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sagesilentfire · 4 years

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I'm looking for a trans sensitivity reader (for Marcie) and possibly a poc sensitivity reader (for the monsters vs mewmans plot), so if you're available, please tell me, and we'll figure something out.

Forgive my inability to draw humans, please.

I know this is a big departure from my usual content, so I'd like to make sure you know that watching SVTFOE is not necessary to enjoy this AU, as everything needed to understand the plot is explained in-story. In fact, I'd love to have someone who's never even heard of a svftoe to read it so I can make sure it makes its own logical sense.

Anyways...

(putting this under a read more for your scrolling purposes)

Hi. I'm Sage, and I would like to talk about a show I really liked. The past tense being the operative, as it used to be good, but...

I started watching SVTFOE after watching the great Steven Universe, which meant I had high expectations for it. And it met those expectations! From the beginning I was hooked. It was a good show. But as the seasons went on, it started to... rot.

Now, something to know about me is that I do not invest myself wisely. I love the things I love deeply and with passion. I get attached easily, and I love to theorize about the things I love. So I was heartbroken when SVTFOE ended the way it did, with none of my questions answered.

And when my theories were better than canon, well, that meant I had a new project: a complete rewrite of Star vs. the Forces of Evil. This AU will start similar to canon, but gradually diverge from it until it's something completely new. It will also have five separate "seasons".

So here's my AU: Star and Marcie and The Forces Of Evil (aka samatfoe). This AU will tear apart the scraps of lore that we got from SVTFOE and expand on it and make new lore, all narrated by my lovely OC, Sílthéy. And I promise I will get to as much as possible. If you're worried, check the titles of all of the chapters, which will hopefully reassure you that, yes, I will get to everything (or at least everything I've thought of ;)).

Dramatis Personae:

Star: Star will mostly stay the same in the first few seasons, but I'll try to have her actually grow and mature while staying a good person in the later seasons. She'll also be a bit more fire-aligned, because I wanted to be able to tell my Star and the canon Star apart easily. (She also doesn't get those wings until Mewberty.)

Marcie: is a trans girl. The entire second "episode" will be about her being trans. And I will, again, try to not have her act like a jerk in later seasons. She also won't be an adult trapped in a teenager's body, as that was waaay too weird for me. Instead she won't age in the Neverzone, period, and there will be an episode dedicated to her re-adjusting to Earth and discussing what the whole "spent a decade and a half in eight minutes" thing means for her. And, of course, she'll be more involved with the Mewni plot, as she will be interested in learning the lore behind Mewni from the beginning and push Star to find out more about Mewni.

Ludo: Ludo's story will not effectively end with the Battle for Mewni. He will get a redemption arc, with all the pitfalls and trip-ups that come with that. And all of his flaws and issues will be brought up, now just forgiving him for everything he did because he had bad parents. And Dennis will continue to be a cinnamon roll. Some things never change.

Buff Frog/Yvgeny: will not change. He is good lad.

Toffee: This is the big one. Where to start, and how to start it without spoiling everything I have planned? Well, let me tell you this: Toffee is getting a complete overhaul. For one thing, I now made them agender for various complicated reasons that will be revealed in-story, eventually. And for another thing, they will get an actual backstory and personality! Isn't that a novel idea! And they will not die abruptly and nonsensically in Battle for Mewni, so don't worry about that.

Jackie: Oh, Jackie. You poor dear. Jackie will not be delegated to the role of "one-time love interest who just skateboards out of the plot". First of all, Marcie will only have a squish (a platonic crush) on her, because I don't trust my aro/ace self with the weird things people in romantic love do to get together, but I do know what it's like to desperately want to be friends with someone. Secondly, while she will be out of the spotlight in later seasons, it'll be because she's on an exchange trip to France, not because we're abandoning her character and her world for no good reason.

Janna: never changes. Pretty sure she's the one constant of the multiverse.

Tom: will have his redemption arc earlier in the story so I can use him for things, but other than that will not change much.

Moon: First of all, she will not betray everything her daughter stands for by siding with Mina this time. There are plenty of other ways Mina could rise to power, so there's no need to ruin her character by making her do a stupid, illogical thing that even a five-year-old would see was stupid. I mean, she's still going to be kind of racist, but she's well-established to be level-headed and even a little clever, so she will not do something that would so obviously blow up in her face. Secondly, she will be a bad ruler, hence why Mewni is a total mess, but she will learn and become better and help Star's efforts to improve Mewni.

Glossaryck: is... changing. He won't "lose" his sanity for season three, but he will also not be in a totally heroic role. It's a complicated thing and a bit of a spoiler, so I'll leave it at that. Also, he's a dragon now Because Reasons (no, seriously, I have a reason for it. It's also a spoiler).

River: River will be goofy, like usual, but he won't be plot-destroyingly stupid. I'll try my best to not make you question why he's even king while still making him a foil to Moon. It's the tightrope I must walk.

Angie and Raphael: Will not completely disappear from the plot in later seasons, but will instead be like a second family to Star and will be a refuge when her overbearing Butterfly side gets too much.

Kelly: Will not be involved in a stupid romantic subplot with Marcie. Sorry. Other than that, Kelly will remain pretty much the same, aside from now being tiny, because that's just how she came out in my art. She's pretty cool.

Miss Heinous: Will not be Meteora this time around. I disliked how Heinous hurt so many people and was a horrible person, but as soon as her Tragic Backstory™ was revealed, all that pain and suffering she caused was ignored in favor of making her Super Duper Tragic™. So I'm separating the characters. Don't worry, though, she'll get the backstory and character arc she deserves.

Saint Olga: Saint Olga will be the main motivator for Miss Heinous's actions, as she is desperate to please the robot. Other than that, Saint Olga won't actually get much character. She's a bad guy, pure and simple.

Meteora: will not turn into a baby. She will deal with the consequences of her actions like a mature, responsible sixteen-year-old. But because she's sixteen, things won't be too harsh when she does snap. She'll still have her mother and father to help her and guide her.

Eclipsa: Regarding Eclipsa's design, I tried to make her fat, but... I don't know if it translates well in my art. I'm just not that good at art yet. But aside from that, making her cheekmarks dark gray (spades are a black card, not a red card! That bugged me so unreasonably much), and giving her as much of a connection to Toffee as the show implied, I'm not changing much about her. She was one of the good characters.

Globgor: Will have fought against mewmans in the past, but not have eaten them (what were the writers thinking?! Making your metaphorical poc eat people is... not good). And it will be more of a case of Star and Eclipsa knowing he is good and should be released from the crystal, but the general mewman populace not accepting it, until Cornonation, where he proves he's a good guy.

Shinjai: Is a new character I am thrilled to introduce to you all! She came from me thinking that for someone who supposedly wants to end mewman-monster racism, Star sure doesn't have any monster friends (Buff Frog doesn't count. He's an adult, and they don't really hang out so much). So here's Shinjai! She's a septarian, and is introduced instead of Princess Smooshy in Sleep Spells. She's a very minor minor monster noble, and her family has about as much political power as your average worm on a sidewalk after it rains, but all noble monsters must go to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty, so she runs away and gets help from Star and Marcie. She's mostly made to replace Pony Head: she's spunky and... uh, actually she's nothing like Pony Head. She's also unafraid of asking difficult questions and knows more about the plot than she lets on.

Rasticore: is very different from his canon counterpart: he only allies with Heinous and Saint Olga to keep an eye on them for ~someone~, and thoroughly dislikes them, despite agreeing to their mission. He also can regenerate as quickly as Toffee, he just chooses not to for ~reasons~. He also has a mysterious partner, but we all know it's – *gets clubbed over the head by Síthéy*

Mina: Making fun of mental illnesses isn't funny kids. Therefore, Mina is the only neurotypical member of the cast. She does boring neurotypical things like... I dunno, cleaning? And she's still a threat: bigotry and hatred are not exclusive to people with mental illnesses, after all.

Lilacia: Now, Lilacia Pegasus, the horse formerly known as Pony Head, will... exist. She won't be as overwhelmingly annoying, hopefully, as she is in canon. And to make sure she feels consequences for her actions, there will be a subplot in season two about her and Star growing apart as Star grows and leaves Lilacia's annoying party girl antics behind. Lilacia will have to realize that her immature actions are making Star leave her behind, and she'll have to grow as a person because of it.

Then there's a mysterious character who is very mysterious and does mysterious things and has a mysterious personality and is generally mysterious... mysterious. She'll be introduced in the second season and will be as mysterious as promised, I swear.

And finally, of course, it will be narrated by Sílthéy. She will tell this story, and her part in it, for all to hear. Or read? It's a bit of a strange medium, storytelling on paper. Or on a screen, whatever.

Now, of course, by now you must be wondering: What about the shipping? The shipping's the most important part, right? Well, here is my answer: There will be no ship wars. There will be no love dodecahedrons. There will be no cheating, no lies, no throwing other characters under the bus for stupid romantic drama. Why? BECAUSE STAR AND MARCIE ARE BOTH ARO/ACE. Suck on that, Starco! I am the last person to trust romantic drama with, so all of the romantic relationships in this bandwagon will be established, healthy relationships that have decades of chosen love and appreciation for one another behind them. And past!Tomstar and brief, schoolchild-crush-esque Star/Oskar but that doesn't count.

So, I believe that about wraps things up for this post. I'll start posting chapters soon, and will post two chapters every other week, and I'll release the descriptions of them two weeks before I post them. If you have any questions, please ask them! I want to work on my drawing skills, so I might even draw something for them!

Description for next episodes:

Star's Birthday: Star is a young, wild princess who is about to receive her family's most precious heirlooms.

Trouble in Diazland: Star is put under the care of the Diaz family, but can't quite seem to connect with their son, Marco.

And, finally, I have thank yous! These are mostly people I watched but haven't really interacted with yet, so if you get tagged know that you don't know me, I just followed you for svtfoe content. And for, you know, your personality.

Thanks to ankle-beez for being hilarious and reminding me why I made this AU when you relentlessly drag svtfoe. Thank you to @full-moon-phoenix, @dappercritter, and the lizard squad for my regular dose of Toffee. Thank you morningmark and @jess-the-vampire for keeping me invested in svtfoe as a whole. Thanks to svtfoe-critical and @twinklecupcake for good ideas. Thank you to TBlofeld on AO3 for your amazing AU, Monsters, Mewmans, Magic, that, while we took things and ran in completely opposite directions, still inspired me to complete mine. And thank you to Blue Order, whose deeply hilarious and deeply accurate video "How Star Vs the Forces of Evil Fell From Grace" inspired me to create this story in the first place. And, of course, thank you to whoever on the svtfoe wiki writes down the transcripts to every episode. You've helped me so much. I admit that I didn't follow all of your guys' advice, but you did help me get here, every one of you. So thank you.

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hydra-collector · 4 years

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Let Me Go (Special)

AO3

Let Me Go

Pairings: Intrulogical, platonic Analogical

Characters: Logan Sanders, Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Janus Sanders (small character)

TW: lots of self-deprecation, sex mention

Words: 1838

Summary: Backstory to Logan and Remus’s relationship in sophomore year.

Note: I wanted to write this for a while, but I mostly wrote it now because I needed an excuse to make a series out of this and boost it on AO3. Still not sure if it’s gonna work.

They just look so soft.

Logan desperately wanted to be with them. It wasn’t like anything he’d felt before. Sure, he’d had crushes, but Remus was on another level. It was odd, really, that he could be this infatuated with someone. Virgil had been trying to convince him to ask them out, but he couldn’t see why they’d want to date him. He was annoying, dumb, and ugly.

“C’mon, Logan. Do it.”

“Why would they accept?”

“Why do you think? They blush every time they see you. Y’all can’t even talk to each other anymore, you’re so in love.”

Logan and Remus had met last year, freshman. They’d argued back to the teacher, who decided to give them detention. Logan, however, believed that they’d made a strong point about the content of their learning in school (even though they suggested some… odd topics instead,) and he argued against the teacher as well.

That was the first time Logan Berry had gotten detention.

The second time was also for their sake, or rather, it was their fault. They’d passed a note to Logan, which simply read, “See you after school.” He obviously hadn’t understood what they meant until they started talking to him, out loud, randomly.

That was the second time the pair of them got detention.

Logan’s had been excused afterwards due to his explained circumstances, but that moment had released a bit of freedom in him. He’d gotten detention. He hadn’t followed the rules.

When he looked back, sitting in the middle of a nearly empty class with Remus next to him, their pretty face smiling, even in the crappy classroom’s lighting, just seeing the eyes and the person and the lips that had brought him here-

He fell in love.

Remus and Logan became friends, and everything changed. They taught him risks and adventure, that life didn’t revolve around being perfect and doing things right. They’d gotten him out of the, so far, darkest point of his life. They’d taught him creativity and experimentation, that he could do more than what school said, or history said, or anything did. He could experiment with how many water balloons you could pile on top of one another before they popped. None of the experiments were perfect or particularly scientific, but god did he have fun.

He started going outside, taking trips to old record shops, thrift stores, and malls, just to see everything. Remus had even convinced him to break into some old mansions and trespass on abandoned train tracks together. He never once took a picture. It was all for his memory.

They’d been each other’s compliment, and listened to each other when no one else cared what they had to say. They could talk and talk and never get bored of each other, just keep listening or adding on to what the other was saying. Sometimes they wondered where all these conversations came from, when all the topics in the world seemed to have run out, but still there was something to say.

Disagreements were never fights. Never. It was always a discussion, talking about how “I’m right and this is why,” while the other tried to change their mind. No one’s ever was, but disagreement is what kept them from doing many stupid things.

And it didn’t last forever, as nothing does. But those were some of the happiest times of his teenage years.

Logan hadn’t realized until Janus had told him that he was in fact, in love.

Remus had realized the moment they laid eyes on Logan and savored every minute they spent together after. They didn’t want to ruin the wonderful platonic relationship they had. And besides, Logan had friends who would convince him to confess if he felt the same way.

Virgil was right about barely being able to talk to each other. Ever since Janus had pointed out his obvious feelings, he’d been especially awkward. He hated it. He knew he should confess in order to retain a steady relationship, platonic or romantic.

But how?

“How do you suggest I go about doing it? I’d like to retain a bit of… me, but being in love is probably a very unlike me kind of thing.”

“No, it is not, Logan. You’ve had crushes on like, six people since I met you.”

“It’s different, though.”

“Why not just tell them ‘I love you?’ It’s simple and obvious and fits your style.”

“What if they take it the wrong way, assume it’s platonic?”

“I guess that could happen. What’s something that’s obviously romantic? ‘I wanna date you?’”

“It sounds odd, though.”

“Wow, picky?”

“I mean, it could work, but I’d rather something more memorable or meaningful.”

“I wanna fuck you?”

Logan tensed. “Ah, um, I’d rather, no.”

“Okay, okay. Do you want to kiss them?”

He thought for a moment, imagining their face, and the love he felt for them, their beautiful eyes and soft cheeks, squishy belly he wished he had the permission to cuddle. The arms that made him nearly collapse because of the wonderful feeling their hugs brought him, their short stature compared to his, and their beautiful lips, out of which so many wonderful ideas and opinions spewed out. He wanted to kiss those lips.

“...Yes.”

“You could use that.”

“I think… maybe I will.”

Today.

Today he was going to tell them.

He’d invited them over to his house, where he imagined over and over telling them, all the ways they might react, especially the negative ways.

He could barely talk to Remus as they walked to his house together, just listening to the endless ideas they came up with. Each word made him love them more and more. Endless possibilities for how the scene may play out repeated over and over in his mind as he panicked internally, hoping they didn’t actually hate him like his brain said they did.

The cold air nipped at his nose and fingers, so he rubbed his hands together in a sad attempt to warm up.

“Cold hands, Lo?”

They took his hands and held them in previously gloved ones, which were still warm. They held them there, trading positions to better warm different fingers every few seconds. Logan felt the heat in his cheeks as well.

When they got inside, Remus went to Logan’s cupboard to grab and make two hot cocoa packets.

“That’s extremely unhealthy.”

Remus said nothing, simply adding another packet to their cup, watching Logan.

“Remus-”

He sighed and let it happen. That was the least of his worries now.

Logan’s heart beat as Remus brought their hot cocoas upstairs to his living room, where he’d planned to confess. They sat down on the couch, putting their arm around him when he did as well.

“Remus, I’ve been meaning to tell you about something.”

“Once you do, do you wanna talk about ancient sea creatures? I read a really good article. Hey, are you alright?”

Logan was shaking with fear, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, everything one could be shaking with.

“Y-yeah.”

“Tell me what you were gonna say. I’m curious.”

What if they hate you? What if they don’t want to be your friend anymore? What if they think it’s weird to date if your asexual? How could they even love you when you are who you are?

He took a deep breath, hoping for the best.

“I want to kiss you.”

“Say no more.”

And Logan had been kissed.

Whatever scenarios ran through his head, this wasn’t one of them. There was one where they’d talked about relationships, one where they agreed and awkwardly asked to and then kissed, one where he was flat-out rejected, one where they thought it was a joke, but nothing like this. Where they just kiss him. He was glad it happened that way.

Logan had expected some kind of verbal reaction, at least. Something like “me too,” or a flirt, at least. But no, just “say no more.” And now he was kissing Remus.

He hadn’t expected to ever reach this point. To be kissing someone he really liked. He wished it would last longer than he knew it would.

He could always kiss them again.

After the few seconds their first kiss had been, both were blushing severely, broken apart. Neither of them said anything, so Logan took his chance to kiss them again. Remus wouldn’t have taken them for someone to initiate a kiss. They weren’t mad, though.

“Thanks.”

What?

“You’re welcome, I guess.”

They laughed it off and spent the next hour discussing the relationships of sea creatures. Probably to avoid talking about their own.

At first, nothing changed much. They still went out on ‘adventures’ together, had the same conversations, interacted with their other friends the same way, and more or less thought of each other the same as they had before.

Logan asked Remus on their first date.

They couldn’t ignore what’d happened forever, and while they weren’t against discussing it, it hadn’t come up naturally. Logan proposed it as a chance to talk about what was to become of their relationship.

“Would you like to consistently date, Remus?”

“I’d enjoy that.”

“My being asexual isn’t a problem?”

“Nah,” they sipped their coffee, “I fell in love with you anyway.”

That was a relief.

“What should we call ourselves, if anything?”

“At somepoint, probably partners. In crime.”

“Don’t remind me that that’s true.”

“I don’t know how I managed to get a date. ‘Specially with you. You’re so cute and all I do is talk about organs and weird creatures and make sex jokes.”

“I do that too, Remus. Usually not sex jokes, though. And I disagree, I’m quite ugly and frankly obnoxious to most people I meet. You’re pretty and lovable.”

“I suppose I’m not most people you meet, then. And I can’t even begin to explain how cute you are. Your glasses make it perfect.”

Logan asked Remus on most of the dates, mostly because wherever they would ask him was illegal or paid, often museums. Logan savored these days.

As they went on more dates, kissed more openly, cuddled more often, the consideration of each other changed from ‘dating’ to ‘partner’ and ‘boyfriend.’ The first time Remus gave Logan a pet name, he was initially adverse to it, but warmed up to them as they kept saying them. After a while, they probably used it more than his real name. He still refused to return affection in this form, however. Remus was sure he someday would (he denied it.)

They were happy together. Janus was glad to see Logan had expressed his emotions, for once, and it led to a lot more happiness. It wasn’t always going to be as happy as it was that year, but he had someone as close as a romantic partner to help him through it. A few years later, he would make decisions he’d later regret, but there was no regret for confessing his love that day.

And sophomore year, those two best friends became partners.

#sanders sides #sanders side fic #logan sanders #remus sanders #intrulogical #ts logan #ts remus #sanders sides fanfiction #ts sides fanfiction #tw sex mention #lmao the first part isnt bad and then it all went to shit #tw self deprecation #kissing #idfk waht im doing anymroe #platonic analogical #grays fics #let me go #tw cussing

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benjfen · 6 years

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Lonely Boy || March 1997

Benjy’s arm itches in the sling, and he’s annoyed that he has to wear it for a few more days ‘just to be safe.’ He can’t do any of his exercises now, so he’s just stuck watching daytime TV and having a series of nurses turn him over and move his legs and arms around. It was only eighty percent degrading, and Benjy was finally at the point where this whole thing was just annoying. He’s bored, bored as hell. He moves the tray connected to the bed back and forth, back and forth, staring at the phone. He’d been calling Lolo every night after her shift ended and Shay went to bed, but it was currently 2 in the afternoon. She’d be busy, there was no one to keep him entertained...except…

Benjy’s punches the numbers in easily but the voice at the other end surprises him.

“Hello?”

“Hey Mare, it’s Benjy.”

“Oooooh human swiss cheese. How goes it?”

Benjy laughs. Mary is Moody’s wife, but she was close to Benjy’s age. She’d actually been an informant for narcotics during the brief time that Benjy was on that squad, and she’d been able to turn her life around after the rehab they had sent her to. They’d stayed friends, strictly so. Mary had met up with Benjy and Moody a many times after their shifts at a pub, drunk solely water, and stolen Moody’s heart. They’d gotten married last year, and Benjy was absolutely not allowed to wear a sash that had said ‘the catalyst for love’ even though it was true.

“I’m sore and bored. Is Al around? I was going to sequester is company.”

“Er…”

“What?”

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this because it’s definitely going to bum you out...but Al’s back at work.”

“Oh.”

She was right, Benjy was decidedly bummed out. That was something Al got to do, something Benjy himself would never be able to do again.

“Shit.”

“No, no Mare, it’s okay. I’m just surprised, that fast?”

“Mmmhm. He was driving me up a fucking tree puttering around here, so I encouraged it. He’s in a sling and on desk duty and thrilled out of his mind as I’m sure you can imagine.”

Benjy takes a minute to imagine his partner, angrily chain smoking and cursing out his sling and anyone who walked too close to his desk for good measure.

“Oh I can imagine. Well, are you busy?”

“I mean, you’d be interrupting my schedule of being pregnant and miserable, so I think I could fit you in.”

“Pregnant?!”

“Oh...shit yeah, Al said he didn’t get around to telling you given everything... but yeah, mate. We’re having a kid. Isn’t that wild?”

For a split second heart aches with jealousy for their life, with sorrow for the life he wouldn’t be able to have now, thanks to the useless limbs he’s forced to look at day in and day out. He shakes himself, and the joy he genuinely feels for his friends fills him.

“Holy shit. I’m so happy for you guys.”

“Yeah, everyone is. It’s so fucking cool and scary and exciting And I mean, having a baby inside of you is a really good motivator to never want to do heroin ever again, it’s crazy.”

Benjy laughs.

“I suppose I’ll keep that in mind if these pain killers become a bit too tempting….oh, hey, not being a jackass, but uh, would coming here be okay for you?”

“Yeah mean seeing all those drugs?”

“...yeah.”

“I’ll manage somehow, arsehole. Be worth it to see you, anyhow. That was super rude of you, by the way?”

Benjy’s eyebrows come together in worry.

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to look out-”

“Not that. Almost dying. That’s incredibly rude. Don’t do it again.”

Benjy laughs softly.

“I’ll do my best.”

“Good.”

“Hey Mary? Before you come here could you do me a favor?”

“You mean other than blessing you with my presence?”

“In addition to that, I need you to swing by my apartment and grab a few things….”

“Hey bitch.” Mary greets him, grinning, as she enters the room, holding two duffel bags he recognizes from his apartment. Benjy sees a tiny bit of a baby bump poking out of her long floral dress, and she’s swept her long black hair into a bun at the base of her neck. It must be warm out today, rare for March, and Benjy desperately wishes he could go outside.

“Hi trouble.”

Mary dumps the bags at the door and crosses to his bed. She’d seen him briefly when Al had still been admitted but Benjy hadn’t really been up to talking then. She bends and kisses his cheek, and Benjy is reminded what a true platonic kiss feels like.

“Nice to see you got over being catatonic.”

Benjy laughs.

“Yeah I had a pretty convincing and dedicated nurse.”

“Oh, Cleona? Heard she’s cute too.”

Benjy gives her a look.

“No idea what you’re talking about.

“Sure. So, I brought you some clothes. And I hid all your porno mags so if you need to send your new girlfriend over for something, she won’t find all your gay shit and leave you.”

Benjy rolls his eyes as Mary crosses the room to get his clothes out and put in the wardrobe in the room.

“Okay first of all, she’s not my girlfriend, and secondly, she knows about me being bi.”

Mary raises an eyebrow. She and Al both knew but they were honestly the only two people in his life currently who did.

“Really?”

“It’s not a secret, Mare. I just don’t advertise it at work. Not that there’s any work to worry about now anyway so…”

“Okay, drama queen. Here.”

She throws a sweatshirt at him and he catches it with his unslung arm.

“Thanks. I’ll lay this across my chest dramatically.”

“Oh.” Mary actually looks embarrassed. “I uh-forgot. Sorry. You just still seem like you.”

“I am still me. Just bloody useless at everything.”

She crosses to him and expertly starts removing the white lost and found t shirt carefully over his head.

“Hush. You’ll get your strength back. In the meantime, I’m doing this for Al too. It’s honestly good practice for the baby, so thank you.”

Benjy groans, not thrilled with being compared to an infant.

“Thanks for that.”

“Anytime.”

Satisfied, Benjy looks down and smiles at the London PD sweatshirt she’d put him in. It feels nice to be back in his own clothes. Normal. Safe. Mary grabs the second duffel bag and drops it next to the side of Benjy’s bed with a loud thunk.

“Now this bloody thing, making my pregnant arse drag a stereo and tape collection around London? You better have a good reason.”

Benjy’s eyes light up as she sets everything down on his bedside table.

“Thank youuuu. Lolo made me a mix tape and her birthday is next week so I want to make her- What?!”

Mary is grinning at him in a very annoying way.

“Nothing. She sounds like a great friend.”

“Piss off, MacDonald.”

“No, I’m being serious. I always make my friends mixtapes.”

She settles herself on the edge of his bed, near his legs. It’s still so weird to him that he can’t feel the heat of her body next to him, or weight of her beside him.

“Shut up. She made it with her kid and they gave it to me when they came to see me last week.”

“She brought her kid? Damn.” She looks over at him significantly.

“What? Mary. She’s not interested in me. She never went home with me before I was a fucking broken pile of shit. Why would she want me now?”

Mary shakes her head, hand instictively going to her little belly.

“God, you know, I always thought boys would stop being fucking morons when I got older. Thanks for proving me wrong, Benjy.”

He sets his jaw, actually getting annoyed now.

“Look, if you’re just going to sit there and call me names you can go.”

“You deserve to be called names! She likes you, idiot. She might even be in love with you. Not going home with someone doesn’t mean you’re not interested, it means you’re being...careful. Maybe she’s insecure about if she’d be good enough for you.”

“Pssh. Right.”

“Don’t you spend every weekend in her bar getting women to go home with you?”

“Did. Past tense. No one wants to fuck the guy in the wheelchair.”

“Oooh pity party. Fun. Point is, Fenwick, she might have shit going on that doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Impossible, everything has to do with me.”

Mary smiles and when Benjy’s good hand reaches for hers, she takes it. Benjy takes a deep breath in.

“Can I tell you a secret, Mary?”

Her brown eyes get bigger. “Anything.”

“I like her.”

She raises an eyebrow.

“Who?”

He sighs and gives her a look.

“Cleona. I like her a lot.”

“Mmhm.”

“I might even...no it’s too stupid to say. But how could I even ask her to give up so much for me? Even just dating me puts her in such a weird position. She’s a single mum, a student, she doesn’t need my literal dead weight dragging her down.”

“Have you asked her?”

“What?”

Mary leans back against his legs, both hands on her belly now, the dark skin of her hands standing out brilliantly against the colorful flowers. Benjy studies her face as she turns to look at him.

“Have you asked her?”

“Asked her what?”

“Asked her if she’d be willing to do that. Give up being ‘normal’ to be with you.”

Benjy shakes his head and Mary raises an eyebrow yet again. “You’re afraid she’ll say no?”

“Mary. I’m afraid she’ll say yes. And I can’t do that to her.”

Mary studies him, silent, looking suddenly older, wise. Benjy starts to squirm under her gaze, and finally gets agitated enough to ask “What?”

“You’re really stupidly noble, aren’t you?”

He sighs and shakes his head, looking away.

“I just want her to be happy. I won’t ever-I can’t make her happy in the way she deserves. And-”

He’s surprised that his voice breaks. He sniffs loudly before shaking his head again.

“Just forget it. Please?”

“Okay.”

He watches as Mary squeezes his leg, forgetting herself, but Benjy doesn’t say anything about it.

“Mare, uh, I really appreciate you coming all this way but I think-I need to be alone right now.”

“Of course.”

He’d been expecting a bigger argument, but she just smiles at him softly.

“Take care of yourself, you big idiot. I love you lots.”

She stands and hugs what parts of him she can, and Benjy hugs her back.

“I’ll try. Also if you don’t name that baby after me, I’ll be pissed.”

Mary narrows her eyes at him.

“What if it’s a girl?”

“Benjamina is a beautiful name.”

Mary laughs and presses a quick kiss to his forehead before getting up and heading to the door.

“I’ll keep it in mind. And Benjy?”

“Yeah?”

“I think you should ask her. For the record.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

Mary shakes her head at him, smiling.

“Fair. I’ll have Al call you tonight. Maybe we’ll come by when he’s off?”

“I’d like that.”

“Okay. Bye, Benjy.”

“Bye Mare.”

She leaves without any more fanfare, and Benjy pulls the collection of cassettes that Mary had brought him onto his lap to start looking. He’d had Cleona’s mix on repeat since she’d left him that first night, and he wanted to give her one that would do it justice. He’s examining one of his Queen cassettes to see if it’s the one with “Liar” on it when he hears a knock at his door. It’s one of the nurses whose name he can’t ever remember.

“Hey, Mr. Popular. Someone else is here to see you. Thought I’d double check to make sure you were expecting another guest.”

Benjy’s heart leaps into his throat. Graham had found him again.

“Who?”

The nurse shrugs.

“Uh, older guy, a bit scruffy? I can go ask…?”

Benjy smiles. Graham had never been described as scruffy in his entire life. It had to be Al, maybe Mary called him earlier and told him to swing by.

“No, it should be fine. Probably a friend from work.”

The nurse leaves and Benjy focuses on his tapes, glancing up casually when he hears someone come in, but he stops to stare. The man hovering in his doorway certainly wasn’t Alastor Moody, but there was something familiar about him that Benjy couldn’t quite place.

“Um...hello?”

“Hello. Are you-” The man’s accent is posh. He looks older the longer Benjy looks at him. Benjy finds his call button, suddenly feeling helpless again. Time to make Keith fuck someone up. “Are you Benjamin Fenwick?”

“....maybe. Who are you?”

“Was your mother named Samira?”

Benjy’s blood runs cold, he knows what the man is going to say next.

“My name is Robert. And I think I’m your father.”

#drabble #fear fear fear fear

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