#also extra funny because i spent all day yesterday NOT doing the video work i needed to do for work and then...made this instead...

[loverboyromanroy]

roman roy – thee good old-fashion lover boy

#roman roy #kieran culkin #succession hbo #roman x gerri #roman x grace #roman x tabitha #fancam #unfortunately these are gonna be my new favorite thing to do because i love being silly #also extra funny because i spent all day yesterday NOT doing the video work i needed to do for work and then...made this instead... #brain worms #my fancam

[spiked-tea-writing]

and they were roommates?!

SapnapxFem!Reader

Summary: Imagine being in love with your roommate, couldn't be you.

Pronouns: She/her

Warning: Swearing

Word Count: 2.3k

A/n: I don’t watch or know anything, I just like these people and I had a concept. Also, he and Dream aren’t roommates in this for the sake of I can’t figure that out. Also also, my timeline is probably fucked but who cares

The dynamic in the apartment was...interesting to say the least

In the two years of living together, it had shifted a lot

In the beginning, you and Sapnap had been... less than cordial to each other

Both eighteen, fresh out of high school, off to college thinking that you knew everything.

There was lots of fighting, to say the least.

All of the “No it’s your turn to vacuum”, and “I swear to god Sapnap I will punt you halfway across the world if you eat my pineapple again”

The only reason you didn’t slit each other’s throats was that if the other person was dead, who would pay rent?

It was the summer before college started at the time, and you were working long hours minimum wage so coming]’/ home to an annoying prick caused a crap ton of conflict

After a few months of being little bitches to each other, y’all got piss drunk in the apartment and it all just sorta fell apart

Got that good drunk therapy, spilling your deepest secrets

(y’all were underage but shhh)

So by the time college started, the two of you had become actual friends and started enjoying each others company

A few months into the friendship, you encouraged him to post the video of “Minecraft, but it’s Raining Cats and Dogs” on a whim

Lmao little did you know what you had created (we’ll get to that later)

You mocked his train of thought constantly, laughing at the timing of it all.

“Ahhh yes, I am Sapnap, the genius who thought it’d be great to become a YouTuber while in my first year of college.”

He’d always just laugh and roll his eyes, playfully shoving you while stealing your chips.

The next few months were a haze of studying, work, and him.

It was truly a friendship of convenience since you guys were so busy, him starting his youtube career, and you working restaurants, then school on top of that, it was just easy to find friendship in your roommate.

Of course, he had his close friends which he spoke to over the internet, and you had your friends from back home, but as for college, it really was only him.

You guys had a fun time just hanging around the apartment, and it became so easy to be friends with him

And it WAS truly platonic (we’ll get back to that as well)

The best thing he brought to the friendship was his animals

You got on fabulously with Cash and the cats

They were all so cuddly and honestly loved you more than him lmao

You guys were just trying to get degrees and not be too stupid, was that too much to ask???

Well to a certain 2020, it was

The beginning of that year was great.

He was sorta realizing that he liked putting himself on social media, but on top of that, it seemed like a great start to a year.

February brought him to twitch, which you loved

You found it hilarious how he would just sorta play games and have people watch him live.

But you were incredibly supportive, as a friend, of course

He really liked it so, you tried to ignore the shouting at three am, and the loud anthems at night

Sure you’d give him hell in the morning, but why kill his fun?

March started great, as it was his birthday.

You got him a glittery lighter as a gag, but it was the perfect gift for a broke-ass college student

Then a certain pandemic came a-knockin’ on y’all’s door

It was a hard hit on both of you.

An executive decision was made that you two would stay put, but being away from your families was incredibly tough.

That spring was the birth of The SMP.

It brought him so much joy, which in turn made you happier.

The rest of the school year was a blur of zooms and test

Nick nearly killed you on multiple occasions when you made fun of the fact that he was learning computer science over the computer or made him help you figure out what the fuck zoom was since it was tangentially related to his major

“SAP HELP ME YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS ITS YOUR FUCKING MAJOR!!!”

“NO, IT’S- AHHHHHHHHH”

Yall got more than a handful of noise complaints shhhh

That summer was fill was spent trying to fill the time in weird ways

Note to self, he can’t cook (which you learned the hard way)

Yall spent so much time trying to cook and bake, then sweating off the calories working out with The Fitness Marshall lmao

As sucky as the situation was, that summer was so incredibly fun for the both of you, and truthfully the only arguments were about what music to blast

“Y/n I swear if I listen to Cosmicandy one more time I will drown you.”

“Well if I hear American Idiot one more time someone’s knee caps are getting harvested.”

(that argument was settled with Elton John.)

When school started up again that fall, something shifted

After a year of actual friendship, you guys were no longer just friends, and the tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife

You had watched every single one of his streams since day one, but within 2 seconds of his Love or Host, you felt the need to hurl for some peculiar reason

It was bizarre because there was no way you could ever like him, of course not.

Within the apartment, you guys suddenly got a lot more touchy, but only because it was getting cold with winter and all that jazz.

It wasn’t because yall were secretly in love, what is this, a romcom?

The number of times you guys woke up on the couch, definitely not cuddling was too many to count

You started sitting in his room while he streamed, definitely not watching him with heart eyes because of how excited he got

He always had a pot of coffee full and a 6-pack of monster in the fridge since he knew you ran on spite and caffeine, and definitely not so that he could spend more time with you in the early hours of the morning.

The laundry started getting all mixed around, resulting in just sharing any sweats, hoodies, or socks.

The same thing went for food.

No longer was anything labeled with a name, if it was in the fridge, it was fair game (unless there was a post-it because come on, yall weren’t monsters)

But no, y’all were just roommates, not dating, lets make that clear.

Feelings? We don’t know her.

This entire time, his friends have had to hear about you rip.

But they got front row seats to your relationship development

“OMG my roommate is the worst she ate all of the frozen strawberries”

“Y/n kidnapped Storm all day while she studied and I thought I lost the fucking cat asjvdk”

“I had to run down and talk to the landlord because we dropped a pot of pasta sauce all over the carpet and couldn’t get the damn stain out.”

“She is so nice in preparation for a family dinner zoom, she ran out to the local Filipino food place and pick stuff up.”

“Sorry I’m late I overslept and didn’t want to wake up Y/n.”

They weren’t stupid, and could clearly see how whipped he was.

Dream and Geroge teased him about it constantly.

“Woah, calm down Sap, you should probably tell her you love her before you propose.”

“Yeah Dream’s right, it’s kinda weird that you’re living together before ever dating.”

He always flushed and denied it with a shake of his head.

He wasn’t into you, are they crazy?

Quackity and Karl messed with him in more unorthodox ways

There are a solid number of clips where they are fake crying over how he’s cheating on them, and even more tweets to match

It only got worse when you met them accidentally.

He was chatting post-stream on a video channel with George, Dream, Karl, and Quackity, and just his luck, you came into his room.

Like of all the times you could walk in, it was the time he was with his five closest friends but I digress

“Yo I got some extra tips yesterday so I picked up some extra Red Bull if you want to do one of your weird all-nighter streams.”

“Y/n I’m on channel.”

“Oh shit sorry my b. Catch.”

All the guys heard was a thud and a groan from Sapnap as the six-pack hit him in the chest.

Dream was the one to recognize your name.

“WAIT IS THAT Y/N I WANT TO MEET THEM!”

You could hear Dream’s voice through his headphones

“Sap… who is that?”

“No one. I’ll be out in a sec to help with dinner.”

You could hear a British voice come through.

“Oh so we are no one now, huh.”

Another voice piped through.

“Common... ¿Qué intentas ocultar?”

You cut in.

“Your headset it shit my guy. I can hear everything. I’m down to talk to them.”

He let out a groan.

“Fine. But you’re gonna have to do the dishes tonight.”

“Deal. Now move.”

“What? No.”

“Fine bitch.”

You collapsed onto his lap, plucking the headphones off of him.

“Hello, Sapnap’s friends. I am Y/n. A pleasure to meet y’all. Can you hear me?”

You heard a series of laughs through the headset, and a voice came through.

“Yes, we can see you too. I’m Karl, it’s so nice to finally meet his girlfriend.”

A blush rose on both of your faces, and another voice came through.

“Yeah, we’ve heard lots about you. Plus we can’t see your face in that picture Sap sent us. I’m Quackity”

That remark stopped your embarrassment in its tracks.

“What the fuck? How do you guys know me? I’m not even his girlfriend? And what picture?”

Sapnap grabbed your arm to calm you down as another voice cut in, but his one you recognized as his friend Dream.

“Hey, it’s okay. He just talks about you a bit, and the picture I believe was of you holding like three cats with like a red bull can on your head.”

“Jesus fucking christ why do they have that photo??”

He looked guilty but chuckled.

“Because that photo is a damn masterpiece.”

Karl’s voice came back in with a giggled.

“Soooo, Y/n we’d love to hear about you. Specifically anything funny or embarrassing that you have learned by living with him.”

Sapnap let out a groan from behind you as you went off.

“WELL lemme tell y’all, he has no cooking knowledge, well I mean, now he does, but one time, about a year ago, I had I been keeping a pot of water boiling for about an hour, soft boiling eggs, cooing noodles, blanching bok choy, etc. but this fucking genius is like ‘oH tHe HaNdLe Is StIcKiNg OuT. LeMmE mOvE iT wItH mY bArE hAnD.’ Needless to say, he burnt the crap outta his hand and kept the bag of frozen blueberries on it for the entire night. It took me like a solid five seconds to actually help him because I was laughing.”

By the time you had finished that story, you had seen Nick roll his eyes like 5 five times while the rest of the guys were wheezing.

“Yeah, well remember the time you were trying to imitate Rapunzel after we had watched it over Zoom with my sister, and you swung the edge of the frying pan into our head and got a nasty bump on it? At least I moved quick enough to put some ice on it.”

“Ice? It was the damn leftover Slushy that I had been freezing.”

“True, but you got to drink it after, so it was a win-win situation.”

“Sap, I had a bump the size of a golfball coming off of my temple. There was no winning.”

“Fine, you’re just making me sound like such a shit roommate.”

“No that’s not true, you do all of the talking to the landlord, and you at least tried to muffle the noise when you stream.”

“I guess that’s true, but you do like 80% of the cleaning.”

“Yeah but only because you’re working. Plus in the past 6 months, you’ve made coffee every morning, AND made sure I was taking my meds.”

“Those things aren’t that hard and I do it to make sure you don’t die because I lo- care about you.”

“What?”

“What?”

You heard Dream’s wheeze laugh and remembered that you guys were still on call.

“Smooth.”

You both went red, and Sap moved his arm around you to leave the channel.

The next few moments were complete torture, the two of you just sitting in silence.

You were wondering if he meant what he was about to say and he was scared that you had heard it.

He was the one to break the silence. (mind you you’re still sitting on his lap lmao)

“I’m sorry about that.”

You weren’t sure how to respond. Should you ask him if he meant it? Because that wouldn’t be that bad. Or just pretend it never happened. Nah that’d be hella awkward. Or-

“I love you too.”

“You what?”

Wow, okay your brain is being a little bitch rn, but fuck it. Balls to the walls baby.

“I love you, and I have for a while now. I just want you to know.”

You finally looked him in the eye, and he was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

“Thank god. I love you, and nearly fucking told you for the first time in front of my friends accidentally. Damn, I’m smooth.”

You laughed and he smiled wider.

“Can I kiss you?”

After a quick nod he swooped in and holy hell his lips felt great. His arm wound around your waist and your hands made their way to his jaw as he pulled you closer to him.

The only thing playing in your mind was “and they were roommates”

#sapnap x reader #sapnap #sapnapxreader #sapnap fluff #sapnap fanfic #sapnap fanfiction #sapnap x you #sapnap x y/n

[gt-ridel]

Several hundred words of Half-Life Borrower!AU goodness

(Hi, this is Passportinspection!) Oooh goodness. I actually started writing this as an ask. I really thought what I had to say would fit into an ask. Since sending that anon about having 350 words of thoughts, I ended up getting distracted for a few hours, and then when I came back to this, I apparently had 400 more words to say. I just love rambling what-ifs about AUs. :’>

_

Hi Passportinspection!  Sorry it took so long to reply to this. I had more work than I thought yesterday. >__< I totally agree! Rambling about what-ifs is WAY more fun than actually writing a story. ;;>__> _

These are… not all A-list ideas, and I was very tempted to cut it down to the best bits, BUT I know that if someone said to me “I had 5 ideas for your au but only told you the 2 good ones” I would be extremely interested in hearing the 3 bad ones anyway, so… here it all is. This was written pretty stream-of-consciousness and then rearranged a bit to form my pinballing thoughts into something a little more linear, but, fair warning, it wasn’t edited much beyond that.

_ Ooo, I absolutely want to hear everything! All ideas, good and bad! Are you kidding? (Gets comfy) _

I keep thinking about the end of that “gordon takes borrower!barney with him through the events of HL1” scenario; Imagining gman’s speech at the end, I like the idea of him saying something like, “As for your.. /passenger/..” and both of their bloods running cold. I can’t decide if I’d rather barney actually go into stasis with gordon or not I think it could be an interesting/cute concept- the idea that gman/his employers figured barney was enough of a factor in gordon’s success that they thought it would be wise to keep them together for future “assignments.”

_ Bro I'll be honest, I hadn't gotten that far in the AU because I still haven't finished the game. My only reference for G-man is Mr. Coolatta. So I'll have to at least look the ending up on youtube before I'll be able to give my informed opinion.  But taking it as is?  That would be freaking terrifying. They've met some other scientists and security guards during their escape, but the HEV helmet was a perfect hiding place. None of them ever noticed that Gordon wasn't alone.  But somehow this reality bending creep knows, and it looks like he's not going to let Barney and Gordon just go home, which was basically what they were fighting for the whole time.  _

I’m also thinking about, like.. With Barney in Gordon’s helmet with him, Gordon must be able to feel him tense up and hear his breathing speed up whenever something particularly scary/dangerous happens, maybe even at times faintly feel the fluttering of his heart, and it strengthens his resolve to make it out of there bc it’s not just himself he’s saving. 🥺 Also Barney can provide running commentary, which perhaps soothes both of their nerves a little. Maybe he even helps with some puzzles. :> I also think it’s funny/convenient that that would work really well for an actual video game format. A friend that’s with you wherever you go that sees everything you see but can’t interact with the world but provides commentary and occasional helpful tips? That fits in nicely!

  _ Ha! Something I was thinking about was how Barney has spent his whole life living in the vents and such. He would probably be a perfect guide for Gordon. :3 As for Gordon feeling when Barney gets tense or scared and that fuling his drive to escape, that was ABSOLUTELY one of the reasons I wanted Barney in the helmet.  It would be uncomfortable, inconvenient, and down right dangerous sometimes. But you cannot deny the unique opportunities for deeper emotional exploration it would present. _

…But also, now that I think about it, maybe there are parts where the only way forward is for Barney to slip through a crack in a blockaded doorway and use a control panel that opens another door- that sort of thing. He gets to help with more than just talking sometimes! :> Oh, dang, imagine the part where gordon gets jumped and almost killed by the military. Poor Barney. D: Maybe a factor in Gordon escaping the trash compactor before it crushes him is Barney frantically trying to wake him up.

_ I was defo hyperfixating on what the whole beat down would be like from Barney's perspective a few days ago! Gordon would be at an extra disadvantage in the fight because he'd have to be careful not to accidentally bash Barney between his skull and the helmet while he's being smacked around.  Imagine Barney being tossed all over the small space, maybe ending up pinned when Gordon finally passes out. Noticing when a small stream of blood starts leaking from his friends mouth and soaking into his clothes. Gordon is completely helpless, and so is Barney as he hears the soldiers talking about what they're going to do with the body.  I just think that whole scene and the escape from the trash compactor would be so fun and exciting~ -

Also, unrelated, but I wonder how barney would wake up in city 17, if he did go into stasis with gordon. That is, since gordon is wearing a citizen outfit when he comes out of stasis, barney obviously can’t be in the helmet anymore. Maybe gman elects to move barney to a pocket somewhere instead lol. I’m imagining as soon as gordon is released from whatever effect gman had him under and he’s able to move again, he starts patting himself down looking for Barney (the same way one does when they forget which pocket their phone is in ), bc last he knew Barney was right up against his face and now he’s /not/, and that man SAID they’d be “hired” as a team so /where is he/ because Gordon needs to know he’s /okay/. As Barney is released from the same effect, he probably moves and makes himself apparent, so it’s only for like a second that Gordon is doing that.

_ Once again, I can't speak much to what would happen in a HL2 continuation of this story, but that sounds about right for an initial reaction scene.  Imagine Barney just coming out of it and being in some sort of... bag? being jostled around? He feels a giant hand pat over him from outside and he grunts in surprise. Then the hand rests against him and Barney realizes he's in a humans breast pocket, being held against someones chest as beside him a thundering heart slowly begins to calm. He figures this must be Gordon. He doesn't KNOW any other humans, and he can't imagine that man in the suit would be all that concerned about Barney's wellbeing.  _ 

Barney doesn’t know where they are/who else is out there at all ‘cause he can’t see from where he is, and Gordon can feel him shifting to lean out of the pocket and get a look, and he just puts a hand over the pocket, covering the opening in the process, and applies a gentle pressure for a couple moments, and Barney knows that means he needs to stay put because it’s not safe to come out yet. Thankfully Barney heard Gman talking to Gordon and addressing him by name, so he doesn’t have to worry about whose pocket he just woke up in. He would probably somewhat recognize Gordon’s gait/the feel of his hands at that point, too. As for how Gordon avoids boarding the train to Nova Prospekt without canon barney there to stop him, I have no idea.

  _ YEAAAH that is a good point. Barney is kind of vital for that role. Maybe we can slot a different character into his place. ^__^;; _

Oooh, going back a bit, maybe when the nihilanth is teleporting gordon around in the boss level, or from the very beginning when gordon jumps into the portal to Xen, they get teleported separately and end up in different places? (Ignoring for a moment the parts with portals in Black Mesa ^^;) That sure is an additional level of distress for the both of them during the Big Final Level(s). And then perhaps at the end, part of gman’s speech can be like, “As for your.. companion, you can rest assured he was recovered safe and sssound. After all, you two performed so well, together, it would be ideal to hire you as, a team.” Or whatever

_ Imagine Barney, stranded and alone on Xen, desperately trying to find Gordon, and having his OWN creepy G-man encounter. :U _

Our Barney AUs differ in some exciting ways and it’s fun to play in someone else’s sandbox for a while. :p I’ll probably cut my notes doc down into something readable and post it sometime in the near-ish future.. Either that or actually write the dang fic.

_ I would absolutely LOVE to hear about your AU too! So if you do either of those things, be sure to @ me!  Thank you so much for playing in this sandbox with me. I am ALWAY down to talk Borrower AU stuff. It's just so much dang fun! ^0^

#Half-Life #Borrower!AU #Borrower!Barney #Gordon Freeman #Barney Calhoun #G-man

[ofsinnersandsaints]

one night and every morning after

rating: E (this chapter is G) total word count: 32752 chapter: 6/? takes place in episode 9 this episode exists almost entirely because of @majestrixstormbringer who is the bestest ao3

Macy woke up at eleven in the morning, and for the first time in what felt like weeks, she wasn’t exhausted. Tired, yes. Her eyes felt scratchy and the temptation to roll over and try to get another hour of sleep was tempting, but it was Christmas Eve and this was the first time she’d ever get to celebrate the holiday her sisters and she wasn’t about to miss a minute.

For as long as she could remember it had just been her and her dad, a quiet and simple holiday which she sometimes spent with her grandparents. But as she got ready for the day, she could hear the Christmas music floating up to the second floor as the murmur of voices drifted up along with the classics and it warmed her heart to hear.

Macy had heard all about their family traditions – decorating the tree today, presents at midnight. They’d asked if she had anything she wanted to add to the festivities, and the only thing she could think of was the massive breakfast her father cooked Christmas morning. Harry had promised to go all out.

With that thought, Macy felt butterflies in her stomach which she tried ignored, because this wasn’t just her first Christmas with Maggie and Mel, it was her first Christmas with Harry as well.

Harry whom she cared about, Harry whom she couldn’t be with in any public way, Harry who sometimes looked at her in a way which made her forget her own name.

Moving to her vanity she picked up her tablet and sat back down her bed, searching through her cloud until she found a very old video. Before she could push play there was a knock on her door, and she knew without asking it was Harry on the other side.

“Come in.”

Her secret boyfriend was wearing the ugliest Christmas sweater she’d ever seen, and it made her smile, but somehow in the short time they’d known each other Harry had learned to read her face. His brows lowered as he came into the room, shutting the door behind him. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she answered, because everything was okay. She had her sisters, she was a powerful witch, had a great secret boyfriend, and yet… “Holidays are just hard since my dad died.”

He moved across the room, a glass in his hand, and sat beside her on the bed. “It’s been two years?”

She nodded and looked down at the tablet in her hands, her father’s face frozen on the screen. “I was going to watch an old video from Christmas when I was kid.”

His smile grew, brightening his eyes as he scooted even closer so he could look over her shoulder. “Little Macy? Now, this I have to see.”

With a soft laugh, Macy pushed play and watched as her father’s face filled the entire screen. He’d set up the digital camera in the corner so it would catch both them and his parents, and true enough her ten-year-old self bounced into frame. Her hair was in a puff, tied together with plaid ribbon.

“Presents!” she announced to the room, and her father laughed.

“Grab one from underneath the tree,” but even as he said that he grabbed one wrapped in silver paper. “This one is from Santa.”

“You’re adorable,” Harry murmured, his eyes completely focused on the image of her meticulously unwrapping the paper of her present. “I’d have guessed you weren’t the type to tear the wrapping paper.”

Macy smiled, a little embarrassed, until she realized she remembered this particular present. Santa had bought her a small, silver jewelry box with a purple gemstone on top – she still had it somewhere, packed in a box. It had been stupid to carry around such a small keepsake, but she hadn’t been able to get rid of it.

“You seem happy.” Macy paused the video where she was showing her dad what she’d gotten. “You must miss him.”

“All of them,” she corrected with a sad sigh. “Gran and Gramps died a few years before Dad. It was just me the past few years.”

He looked at a picture of her and her sisters she kept on her dresser. “Well, you certainly don’t have to worry about that now.”

Macy nodded and took his cup, taking a sip of what she’d thought was eggnog and was caught off guard when it wasn’t anything like she expected. “What is this?”

“According to your sisters, it’s coquito. Family tradition.” She took another sip now that she knew what to expect. “This may not be my first glass.”

With a laugh she handed the cup back to him. “It’s not even noon.”

“It’s Christmas,” he shrugged. Harry stood up and held out a hand. “Shall we?”

“We shall,” she took his hand and together they walked downstairs. It was still a little odd to be displaying any kind of affection outside their little orb. She’d never snuck around in high school, but she imagined it would feel a lot like this, worried at any moment someone with authority would sneak in and catch her doing something she shouldn’t.

When they got to the living room Maggie was moving ornaments, muttering something about how it was the wrong color on the wrong branch, but her face lit up with a smile when she saw them. “Merry Christmas! I was wondering when you were going to join us.”

“It was a late night,” she admitted. “And Merry Christmas to you.”

“When did you get home,” Mel asked as she came into the room with a handful of presents, setting them down carefully beneath the tree.

“After one,” Macy answered. Work at the lab hadn’t eased up for the holiday, so she’d put in extra hours yesterday to make sure she could have today and tomorrow off. “I didn’t get to sleep until three.”

“I hope you’re getting overtime at least,” Maggie commented.

“I’m not, but I’m on salary so if I have to take days off my pay won’t change, which comes in handy with the demons and everything.” Mel looked like she was about to say something, but she was interrupted by the doorbell. Everyone looked at each other as if one of them had done it. “Are we expecting someone?”

“Maybe it’s Santa,” Maggie grinned as she moved to answer the door.

“Santa’s not real,” Mel reminded her.

Her eye roll was a near verbal thing. “Sure, we’re witches, Harry’s dead, and we met an Egyptian fertility goddess, but Santa is where we draw the line.”

Mel grimaced. “I hate it when she has a point.”

Macy didn’t want to think Santa was real, because that opened a whole other door she wasn’t prepared to deal with on so little sleep. In her mind, her dad was Santa, and he was the one who picked out her pretty presents each year. Probably with the help of her Gran.

When Maggie came back into the living room, her smile was strained. “Look who came by.”

Behind her, dressed in all white, was Charity. Almost without thinking, Macy dropped Harry’s hand and took a full step away from him.

It was probably one of the least subtle moved she’d ever done, and that was saying something.

“What an unexpected surprise,” Mel greeted, her friendliness as fake as her smile.

“I know I’m intruding, but I’m afraid this couldn’t wait.” Charity’s gaze locked on Harry first, her smile too soft and intimate to be considered professional. Something like jealous swirled around Macy’s heart, but she brushed it aside as Charity turned to look at Mel. “I was hoping to talk to you for a moment, it’s about the Sarcana.”

“We’ll give you two a moment,” Macy turned and immediately left the room, heading for the kitchen. She wished she was better at cooking, then she could at least stay in the kitchen if she was helping get dinner ready.

Maybe she’d bake a pie.

She’d already made two, but maybe she’d try her hand at strawberry and rhubard. The fact she didn’t have either of those things in the kitchen would mean a trip to the grocery store, a reasonable enough excuse to leave the house and the heavy presence of Charity in her house.

There was that almost jealousy again, which seemed to come up in some form or another whenever Charity was around.

“Macy?” Harry had followed her, which he shouldn’t have done because they didn’t want Charity – who was, by the way, an Elder – to get the wrong idea. “Is everything okay?”

“Sure, everything’s great. Do you think we should ask your ex-girlfriend if she wants to stay for Christmas dinner?”

Macy he turned around, facing Harry over the island.

“My-“ his face had gone white and if Macy wasn’t more than a little irritated at the disruption of her perfect Christmas, she would have found it funny. “You know?”

She hoped the look she gave him was unimpressed. “That you and Charity used to be a thing? Yes, we all know.”

“Ah.”

“Maggie was the first one to figure it out,” she explained, crossing her arms in a way she knew was defensive, but still couldn’t help. Her thoughts and feelings regarding Charity were complicated to say the least. Thanks to the Elder, Macy had her powers and her sisters. She couldn’t say for certain she’d been this close to them if it hadn’t been for the constant danger and unique circumstances.

It was also because of Charity that Macy had Harry in her life now. Charity had been the one, after all, to assign Harry to the Charmed Ones. Without that decision he would have forever been a one night stand Macy dreamed about but could never have again.

On the other hand, Charity was all the things Macy wasn’t. Successful, worldly, confident. And to top it all off, she was also Harry’s ex. An ex who was a witch. Which made Macy wonder, what did all that make her? A second choice? Another bad decision?

Maybe Harry was a rule breaker, and she was handy.

And she was spiraling.

“Were you planning on telling me?” Macy finally asked.

“Eventually,” he admitted, glancing in the direction of the living room. “Though I hadn’t quite figured out how to go about it.”

Macy walked closer to him, anger bubbling to the surface. Ah, that’s what the thing which had felt like jealousy was. When she had realized she hadn’t been Harry’s first witch it had hit her like a punch to the gut, but she figured Harry would tell her, Harry would explain. But they had known Charity for months now, and he hadn’t said a word.

“You told me whitelighter and witch relationships were forbidden, and now I know you’ve been in one before? What do you expect me to do with that?”

“I don’t expect anything,” he said in the calming voice which right now made her want to step on his foot. “But if you’d like, I can explain.”

Macy thought about Charity in the next room, about how ten minutes ago she’d been full of hope and wonder at having Christmas with her sisters. She shook her head, “Now’s not the time. We’ll talk about it later.”

“Macy –“ but whatever he was about to say was interrupted by the doorbell going off once again. “Who else is here?”

“I got it,” Maggie announced loudly. Macy moved around the counter to peak into the hallway, wondering if it was going to be another elder dropping by to say hi. Instead, it was Parker at the door, his hands full with bags.

When she turned around, she saw Harry just inches away from her. She put her hand on his chest and pushed him back a step. “We should probably keep our distance while your ex is here.”

“Macy-“

She shook her head, “Later, Harry.”

Walking into the hallway she saw Maggie oohing and aahing over a necklace Parker had apparently given her. It was beautiful, and old enough to look like an antique. “Oh my god, hold on, I want to get something from my room.”

“You don’t want to put it on?” Parker asked.

“Hold on,” she hurried up the steps and Macy stood awkwardly with Parker in the entry until Maggie came back down with a small box in her hand. “Voila!”

Macy looked down and saw a jewelry box in her hands, silver with beautiful filigree and a little gemstone on the clasp. It was startling to see, because just minutes ago she’d been watching herself open almost an exact replica from Santa.

“Where did you get that?” Macy asked, her voice a little harsher than she’d intended.

Maggie smiled, her face soft and warm with memories. “From Mom, it was tradition.”

“Tradition?” Macy asked carefully.

“Mom got one when she was ten,” Mel explained, appearing from the living room. “And in it was her first grown up piece of jewelry; we each got one when we were ten. I got a necklace.”

“I got a bracelet,” Maggie added. “The clasp broke ages ago and I never got it fixed. Are you okay, Macy?”

“Yeah,” Macy blinked, her heart clenching tightly in her chest so she could barely breathe. “I just need a minute.”

She walked away and stepped outside, the cold biting and real on her skin.

“Macy?”

Turning, she saw her sisters standing the freezing temperature. “You guys should go inside, it’s freezing.”

Both of them ignored her. Instead, Mel walked close enough to put her hand on Macy’s arm. “Is everything okay? You looked a little pale inside.”

“It was the jewelry box, wasn’t it?”

“It was.”

“I’m sorry, I know you never got presents from Mom. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s just the opposite, actually.” Maggie and Mel lowered their brows in the exact same way. Macy pulled her phone out of her pocket, the video she’d been watching still open in the background. “Look.”

Her younger sisters huddled together and watched the video, both of them gasping at the same time as little Macy opened her present from Santa.

“It’s just like ours.”

“Different gemstone,” Mel pointed. “Mine is sapphire. Mom said it would help with focus and inner vision.”

“Mine is rose quartz which is supposed to help with compassion and divinity.” Maggie tilted her head and smile, “I think Mom knew what our powers were going to be. What was yours?”

“Purple tourmaline,” Macy answered because the first thing she’d done after getting the present was look it up. As a kid she hadn’t put much stock in what stones meant but she’d come across the explanation in her search, and it had always stuck with her. “Balance and self-confidence.”

“I was right.” Maggie grinned and laughed softly when Macy and Mel looked at her. “Santa is real. Mom was your Santa.”

“I always thought Gram was the one who helped Dad pick out my present.” Macy put a hand over her heart. “But it was Mom.”

They were all silent for a moment as they took in the knowledge. Her mom had been there the whole time, in the background. But why? “Do you still have yours?”

“Yeah, in storage. I didn’t exactly unpack at my Air B&B.”

“You should bring your stuff home,” Mel all but ordered. Macy wasn’t offended by the tone, knew that was how her sister expressed affection. “You’ve been here for months, it’s time to unpack, Macy.”

Macy looked up and inside the house, knew Harry was in there somewhere. “Yeah, I think you might be right.”

“While we’ve got a minute, what did Charity want?”

Mel looked like she was thinking about lying but sighed heavily. “She wants me to join the Sarcana. I texted Jada and she wants to come over today to officially join.”

Both Macy and Maggie stepped forward at the same time. “Are you sure?”

Macy couldn’t imagine what joining the Sarcana might entail. “Mel, that’s an incredibly dangerous endeavor.”

“If they were a part of Mom’s death, I want to know, and this is the only way to find out. I’ll be safe,” she promised. “And I’ll be back soon.”

“You’re going now?”

“I guess the Sarcana don’t care much about Christmas Eve,” Mel shrugged. “I’ll let you guys know when I’m on my way back.”

“Have Harry take you,” Macy insisted. “He can pick you up when you’re done.”

Mel thought about it. “I’ll have him drop me off nearby. I don’t know how they’d feel about a whitelighter dropping in on their secret clubhouse. Harry!”

Instead of poofing next to them, he stepped out onto the patio as if he’d been within ear shot. “You bellowed?”

Mel ignored his sarcasm. “Can you take me to just outside the Sarcana?”

“Take you where?” he asked, eyes wide.

“I’m joining the Sarcana,” Mel explained. Before he could argue she put up her hand. “Don’t patronize me, Harry. I know what I’m doing.”

“You’re going to give me gray hairs, Melanie.”

“Nothing I can do about that Hare,” she smirked and in an instant they were gone.

“Do you think it’s weird to leave your boyfriend and an Elder in the house by themselves?” Macy asked.

“Oh, shit!” Maggie turned on her heel and hurried back inside. Because there wasn’t much else to do, Macy followed at a slower pace, and just barely caught Maggie apologizing to their guests. “I’m so sorry about that, sister thing. Parker, thank you so much for the necklace, it’s beautiful.”

“Charity,” Macy managed a smile and hoped it was convincing. “Can I get you something to drink? Some Coquito?”

“That would be lovely, thank you.”

Macy turned around and headed back towards the kitchen where the drink was in the fridge. “Where did Harry go?”

“He took Mel to the Sarcana so she wouldn’t be gone long. And if she needs backup, he’ll be close to pull her out.”

Charity smiled, “Harry was made to be a white knight.”

“Mhm.” Macy poured the drink and handed it to Charity. “Be careful, it’s strong.”

Charity nodded and took a small drink. “It was nice of you to include Harry in your festivities.”

Macy wondered at Charity’s tone, but she couldn’t decipher it. She was always so self-assured it made it difficult to detect anything else in her voice. “Harry’s family, of course we’d include him.”

“Mhm.”

She wasn’t sure what to say to that, and was grateful when Maggie brought Parker into the kitchen. “Parker has never tried coquito.”

“Until an hour ago, neither had I,” Macy reminded her with a smile.

“Here,” Charity slid the pitcher towards Parker, their hands bumping slightly when he moved to pick it up. Parker hissed like something caused him pain and in that quick instant there was a flash of blue light coming from the broach on Charity’s shirt. It looked oddly like the mark Macy had seen on Galvin.

When her gaze slid over to Parker he looked shocked, almost as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “Are you okay?” Maggie asked, putting her hand on his shoulder.

And seeming to remember he was in pain, Parker doubled over and groaned again. “Yeah, just side effects. I’ll be fine.”

Maggie wrapped her arm around his middle. “Come on, you should sit down.”

Macy watched Maggie lead Parker away, concerned and confused by what she’d just seen.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Macy pushed her own cup of coquito away. “I think I need to stop with the alcohol.”

After a few minutes Macy went outside again, debating on whether or not to call Mama Roz to see if she could share any knowledge about Parker or the light radiating from Charity when the two touched. But if she called Mama Roz, then she’d have to explain everything, and she was pretty sure that was a no-no.

So what was she going to do?

“Hi Mama Roz, my sister’s boyfriend flinched when he touched someone and there was a magicky glow. What’s up with that?”

Macy groaned and turned back towards the house. She’d ask Harry, maybe he might-

And then everything went black.

 When Macy came back to the world, her head was killing her, her mouth was dry, and her shoulders hurt.

She groaned, or tried to until she realized there was a gag in her mouth. With a wince she opened her eyes to realize she was in the back shed, and her arms were tied up behind her. Shifting on the chair she tested the ropes, but there was no give, and she was worried about toppling herself over and breaking something if she moved too much.

If she could get rid of the gag, she could call for Harry.

It took longer than she’d like, and she panicked about halfway through, She tried distracting herself by trying to remember all the presents she’d gotten from Santa over the years, long after she’d stopped believing. When she’d asked her father about it, he’d insisted he had no control over Santa, the presents came whether anyone want them to or not. He’d smiled a little sadly at that, and Macy understood it now.

Her mother had insisted.

Panic subsiding, she was finally she able to push the cloth out of her mouth. “Harry! I need you!”

It took longer than normal for him to show up, and when he did his Christmas sweater was askew, and he looked in pain. “You just…” he waved his hand as if she had any idea what he might be talking about.

“Some help, please?”

“Right, of course.” He moved across the room and worked the knots free and she breathed a sigh of relief when the circulation returned to her hands.

She stood up the moment she could, getting feeling back in her legs. “What’s going on out there? What happened to you?”

“Someone has been pretending to be you.”

The statement was said so matter-of-factly it took a moment for Macy to understand what she’d just said. “What?”

“And then they threw me out the window.”

Macy stepped closer and put her hands on him, checking for injuries. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he assured her, though she didn’t completely believe him. Who fell out of a three-story window and was fine? He was a whitelighter, not invincible. “Who was it that grabbed you?”

She tried to remember but had only caught a flash of a reflection in the window. “I didn’t recognize him.”

Harry tugged her towards him and wrapped his arms around her, she briefly struggled against the hold. “The elders.”

“Bugger them.” He rested his cheek against her temple. “You know, I always thought we’d eventually have a fight, but I did think you’d be included when that happened. And I didn’t think there would be an actual fight involved.”

Macy chuckled against his chest.

 Christmas was nearly over.

Macy sat down on the couch, and since Harry had said ‘bugger them’ she leaned against his side as Mel and Maggie settled across from them. She slipped her hand into his as she stared at her crying sister, trying to decide on the best thing to say. “Well, um, it’s past midnight. I know it’s probably hard to get into the Christmas Spirit, but…”

“We could open presents,” Mel finished for her.

At Maggie’s tearful nod, Harry spoke up. “My three small offerings are under the tree.”

Macy sat up straight and looked at Harry, surprised at the gesture, and yet not. “Harry, that’s so sweet.”

“I’ll go get us some more coquito.”

As Mel got up, Macy leaned forward. “I’m still kind of new at this whole sister thing, is there anything I can do, Maggie?”

“No, but thanks.” She tilted her head and gestured to them, “So this is official?”

“It is for now,” Macy answered, mostly because she was too tired to get up.

“There are a lot of things we have to work through.”

“And conversations to have,” Macy added. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about Charity.”

Maggie’s smile was a little watery, but it looked slightly happier than it had been a moment ago. “Oh, the ex talk. That’s always fun.”

“Why don’t you pick out some presents, Maggie?” Harry suggested.

“That wasn’t even subtle, Harry.”

He smiled at her. “It wasn’t supposed to be, Margarita.”

“Guys, we drank all the coquito.”

“Ho ho ho.” At the voice, one which was newly familiar, Macy and her family stood and turned towards the sound and she was shocked to see Hunter standing in their living room. “Merry Christmas. You’ve been very naughty girls this year. Santa’s going to make you pay.”

He stepped forward, menacing and clearly intent on doing harm. Macy glanced around for something she could use as a weapon, anything which she could throw at him to give her and her sisters a fighting chance. But before she could summon anything a shadow appeared amongst them and stepped forward.

Parker formed from the darkness, a gold staff in his hand. “They’re not the ones who are going to pay. “Temelechus, deschide poarta.”

When he slammed the staff down onto the ground it felt as if the whole house shook beneath their feet. Macy reached out to grab onto Harry, but he’d slid a few feet away from her and was bracing himself on one of the armchairs.

Parker repeated the words, slammed the staff down one more time. “Temelechus, deschide poarta.”

The floorboards moved like a wave, shivering and falling back into place as Hunter vowed retribution. Parker picked up the rod again, but started coughing halfway through the first word, his brother’s voice mocking him.

Macy was frozen in surprise, but Mel took charge, stepping forward to take the staff and repeating the words Parker had spoken.

“Temelechus, deschide poarta.”

As she moved to help her sister, Macy caught Harry out of the corner of her eye. The shaking and moving of the floor had sent him falling to the ground, but he was safely out of Hunter’s reach so they picked up the staff again and again, repeating the words with more confidence each time as they slammed it down.

They had no idea what they were doing, but they knew Hunter didn’t want it - Which meant it was something the Charmed Ones did.

“Temelechus, deschide poarta.”

“The portal to Tartarus!” Harry yelled as the floor gave way, and a dangerously bright orange flow emanated from beneath. Even from this distance, Macy wanted to run from it, but she held on with her sisters, instinctively knowing they had to repeat the phrase until Hunter was safely trapped below.

Hunter felt the ground, slid across the floor as if something from beneath had grabbed onto him and was pulling him below.

Too late, Macy realized Harry was in danger too.

Hunter had grabbed his leg and was dragging him towards the entrance, and even though she knew it was stupid and reckless, she couldn’t risk Harry.

Macy let go of the staff and ran towards the gaping chasm in the middle of their house. She ran towards him, towards danger, and she had fingertips on him when his grip finally slipped.

“Harry!”

But the floor was back, the chasm gone, along with Harry.

#hacy #charmed #charmed reboot #charmed cw

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 84

June 3 

My father in law passed away today, at eighty-five years old. It has been thirty-four days since we were summoned by news of his hospitalization, and it was barely thirty hours from the time we learned he was declining to his passing. The time seemed so long and so short. 

By the time I got to bed last night, it was nearly two in the morning. I couldn't stop turning things over in my head, questions about logistics for guests, questions about what we needed to ask hospice in the morning meeting, wondering if I'd put whatever random item on the massive grocery list, you know how it goes. At six am, MIL woke us with a tap on the door to let us know that the nursing home had called. If we wanted to be there, they said, we ought to come soon. We rolled out of bed and into whatever was nearest and decent, shoving on shoes and finger-combing hair. I woke up the kiddo, who hadn't gotten to sleep till after midnight, and nudged him along as well. It was only about fifteen minutes from the time we woke up until we were ready to go. 

This journal day is very long because I wanted to remember all of it more so than most days. I’m putting it behind a cut, preemptive sorry if it does not work for you. 

I drove because my husband couldn't find his wallet and didn't want to take the time, and because I tend to drive just a little faster. I don't remember any of us saying anything in the car except when I asked if everybody had a mask and my husband said they would give us masks at the center. It was not a long drive, especially at that hour, but it felt very long. We arrived at the center and walked into the lobby, which of course I'd never actually been in. We filled out screening questionnaires and got our temperatures taken, donned gowns and N95 masks and plastic gloves, helping one another with the fiddly plastic ties at nape of neck and small of back. It seemed to take a very long time. Eventually we were cleared to go in and we walked to his room. 

It was a nice room, even with the sun only just coming up. A pretty view out the window, a single hospital bed, a table, a soft recliner and a padded chair with a firm back. My father in law saw none of it, and I don't think he'd seen any of it since he was moved in there yesterday. He seemed deeply unconscious and was breathing with an open mouth and a cannula on room air but not really struggling, not in a way that  suggested discomfort. He was a big, tall man who looked small in the bed, but at least he was covered by the quilt we'd sent in for him. It was warmth and color in a pale room. After all the rushing, all the hurry and the drive to just get there, we arrived and everything just paused. 

We were all silent for a long few moments. A nurse looked in and asked if she could get us anything. We asked for extra chairs. I stepped forward and touched his shoulder and started talking, telling him that we were here, telling him how good it was to see him and to be in the room with him, I'm not entirely sure what. When my family sat vigil for my grandmother, a vigil that I recall lasting days, someone was always talking. Hearing is supposed to be the last sense to depart, and when you talk, they know you're there. Everyone else started talking too, then, all the inanities of the last few days, how we'd played in the sprinkler, how we'd gone shopping, how the kiddo had a new video game he loved. I told him that I'd gone over MIL's finances and that he'd done a really good job taking care of things. I promised that she would be okay and we would help her. I promised that I'd rolled up the hose after we used the sprinkler because I know he doesn't like it left out. 

We got our additional chairs, and another nurse, attendant, I'm not sure, brought in a rolling tray with iced tea, coffee and a little selection of snacks. It was kind of funny because the cups were massive, probably 24 ounces if they were a drop, and we were filling them a third of the way full. The iced tea was possibly the sweetest tea I've ever tasted. I gave it to the kiddo, who appreciated it. We took the arrival of the snacks as a cue that we could remove our masks and gloves in the room, but we kept the gowns on. They were very warm and sticky, and the elastic of the cuffs bit into my wrists. My husband started talking about the book he is writing, just like starting a thousand conversations he has had with his dad over the years. Two history buffs sharing books, comparing notes, enjoying each other. His dad hasn't remembered well these past few years, but he always liked the talks. 

While my husband and MIL talked with my father in law, I took her phone and began texting the half-sisters, telling them that the timeline had changed. They were planning on coming today or tomorrow, but now tomorrow would probably be too late. I told them I was sorry there hadn't been more notice, that we didn't know. The ones who were coming texted back to say they were starting out now and to get the address. For the sister in Indiana it was even earlier than it was for us, not even quarter of six there yet. I worried because MIL's phone was nearly dead, till my husband produced a charger from his pocket. Definitely more useful than a wallet! I gave the kiddo my phone and let him spend all the stars and coins I'd earned on Gardenscapes, which kept him busy for awhile. He'd cried some already, cried a lot when he tried to talk, but was otherwise pretty quiet. Eventually he squirmed out of his plastic gown, which he'd been about drowning in anyway. 

We all stayed in the room for several hours, running through stories about FIL. I talked about the time my family met theirs and they took us on a tour of Philadelphia, only to run nearly every yellow light and leave us running reds behind them. I remember how he gave me my first tour of their town in his prized Model A Ford, showing off the loudness and true obnoxiousness of a genuine aaaooogah horn. There were other stories, and memories, and emails to let people know that things had started happening quickly. By eight-thirty, the kiddo was in obvious mental and emotional discomfort and wanting to go home. He is pretty mature for his age, but he's still only ten years old, and there is a limit. I put my hand on FIL's shoulder and thanked him for being a good man who raised a wonderful son, and I told him I loved him very much. Kiddo whispered an "I love you, Papa" from near the edge of the bed, and then we left. 

It felt good to be in the parking lot, good to take off the protective gear and slide into the normalcy of the car, but it was a leaden sort of good, the sort where it was still hard to talk. I told the kiddo that it was his choice whether he wanted to do his school meeting today, and he said he didn't think he could. I said that was okay. I told him that today we wouldn't do the points system and we would do things that made us feel better. We went and got some McDonalds and took it home. Kiddo ate the meat out of two sausage biscuits and decided he was full. I ate my breakfast and then cleared away MIL's full coffee cup, soggy cereal and half-eaten banana from the table. It was a striking testament to how the day had changed in the span of a single phone call. 

Most of my day was spent cleaning, trying to get ready to have people in the house. The personal assistant came with a list she'd gotten by text message from MIL and did a bunch of stuff, which helped a lot. I cleaned up and tended to minor details all day, both to occupy my mind and try and make fewer things for MIL to have to worry about. At lunchtime, I got permission from the center to bring food to the front door and have it taken to the room, so I went to Publix and tried to find the best and most tempting things I could, so long as they could be eaten cold. I think my best find was a beautiful fruit salad bowl full of ripe strawberries. MIL had not eaten more than a few bites of breakfast and I wanted to make sure she ate lunch. My husband also asked for a short sleeved shirt (flannel under plastic gown is very terrible) and plenty of caffeine. I was able to provide that, and he made sure MIL ate. That's good teamwork. 

A little while after I got back to the house, MIL's sister and brother in law stopped by with a bunch of footlong subs cut into quarters. They asked if there was anything I could do, and I couldn't think of anything. I was a social disaster all day long, never knowing what to say or do. Sometimes I felt like I was just staring at people and waiting for them to do or say the next right thing. But the sister and her husband are warm and gracious people and they didn't mind. They understood, and told us to let them know if we needed anything at all. Kiddo and I had sub sandwich for lunch. They were really good. I had to clean out the fridge to get five sandwich boxes in there, but it needed cleaned anyway. While I was cleaning, I told Siri on a whim to play music I liked. Siri has an understanding of my musical taste that was almost uncanny until I remembered that iTunes has a comprehensive record of basically everything I've listened to since 2002 and that probably helps. 

A little after four, the oldest granddaughter arrived from Georgia with her daughter. Oldest granddaughter is a year older than my husband, which was interesting when he was growing up, but she is lovely and funny and also likes to can many foods. They went straight to the center and were able to go in and be in the room and talk to FIL as well. I had not realized Great-Granddaughter was coming, so I was at home trying to figure out what to do and vaguely panicking about the fact that we might have ten people needing food and four sub sandwiches left when my husband sent me a text that simply said "He's gone."

  It was quiet and gentle, with people he loved in the room and talking to him. He had never wanted drastic interventions and there were none taken. It was, I hope, the way he'd have wanted it to be. The only sad thing was that his oldest daughter, driving in from Indiana, arrived just ten minutes too late. Ten minutes in an eight hour drive is so little, but it's not as though he was awake at the end, just a drop into deeper sleep. Middle sister, driving down from New Jersey with two of her kids, had an even longer trip to make and wound up deciding to detour and spend the evening with her mom and coming to us tomorrow. I called the kiddo away from his video game and told him the news, and we cried on the living room floor because even the quietest, gentlest passing is still very sad for those left behind. And then, because tragedy is not complete without a dose of the absurd, it was time to go pick up the groceries. 

Walmart down here is still seven days out on their grocery pickup appointments, so it was a full week ago that I scheduled a pickup for today. When I did that, we were looking at long-term financial planning for nursing care, figuring out ways to stay in touch via technology in his room, trying to figure out how MIL would do window visits safely after we went home. Seven days ago I would not have dreamed today would unfold like it did, but we still needed the groceries. I went and picked them up. 

On the way out, I spoke to our neighbor for the first time since we arrived last month, from about fifteen feet away. She and her family have been good friends to my in-laws and did shopping for them when the pandemic lockdown had them inside all day. They are the ones whose kids the kiddo is friends with. She was very sorry to hear that he'd passed and talked about how much they'd all loved him. I did the same social weirdness thing as before, but she understood too. The grocery people did a good job with my huge order, even if they did miss that the bread was bread and therefore squishable. I was disappointed that for the first time ever, Walmart didn't send me a survey so I could tell them about their good associates. I remembered to look at the nametags and everything, which I hardly ever do. 

Back at the house, kiddo did heroic work carrying groceries up the stairs. He was a huge help all day, actually, and didn't complain once when I asked him to do something. He  spent the entire rest of the day glued to his computer, but one day of that will not hurt him much. I put the groceries away, many of them in what are probably new and unique places, and continued fretting about whether there would be enough food. I was concerned enough about that problem that I nearly forgot that I had driven the car home that morning and would need to go pick them up from the center. Luckily my husband texted me when they wanted me to come and I was able to get there quickly. The nursing home had already released all of his possessions, so they came out burdened with clothes and shoes, his walker and the decorative objects we'd managed to send in. I didn't notice until we got home that my husband was cradling his dad's glasses in his hands so they didn't get damaged among the other stuff. 

With everyone congregating back at the house, it was the moment of truth for food. There was enough for everyone; my worry was misplaced. We ate and talked about all sorts of things, a little bit about the day, but also about online schooling and how to cook in a small kitchen. Kiddo was very funny through dinner; he'd self-medicated with a huge bowl of ice cream while I was at the grocery store and was pleasantly sugared up. MIL seemed happy to sit quietly and listen and eat. She didn't cry until her sister called her. After dinner, we pulled out FIL's extraordinarily comprehensive baby book from the mid-thirties, which oldest daughter had not seen before. She was both amused and bemused at the level of detail her grandmother had managed to go into on her young son's early life. Kiddo went out on the deck and yelled at the neighbor kids for awhile, apparently having realized that he could still talk to them if he was only loud enough. They eventually were able to play a little bit, catching fireflies together and carefully never getting too close. It made him happy. 

Everyone was tired after a very long day and began drifting off towards bed around 9:30. I went with the kiddo to his room so I could listen to an episode of The Adventure Zone with him and help him fall asleep. He was hyperactive for the first half hour, crawled into his bed at the forty-five minute mark, and asleep when I left at the end of the episode. I hope he sleeps well tonight. We could all use some rest.  

#quarantine #tw: end of life #tw: death #death #hospice #life and death in the time of covid 19

[anonsally]

Days 79-82 of COVID-19 shelter-in-place

These have been four very intense days both globally and personally. This admittedly long post will focus more (but not exclusively) on the personal side of that.

Day 79 was Wednesday. I hadn’t had enough sleep, but I got up at a reasonable hour because I needed a ballet class. Before class started, I got a call from the medical center for scheduling a procedure I need to have done. That will be in 2 weeks, contingent on me testing negative for COVID-19 four days beforehand. I’m anxious about the procedure but will be glad to get it over with after several months of worry. Anyway, ballet class was good for calming me down. 

It was hot out. I did my parents’ grocery shopping (and bought a few things for us) and then had a nice conversation with my dad when I dropped off his groceries. We talked about the state of the world. He told me about a city that had literally fired its entire police department and started over... which is what we probably need on a national level, with very few exceptions. 

I refueled the car on the way home and got a predictably late start on my work day. Wife got two more job interviews scheduled at very different companies. I took a walk, spotting another Steller’s jay at the bird feeders. The jays are so much larger than the little birds who frequent the feeders!

I then went to try to buy milk, but the tiny independent market had closed early to enable the employees to get home before curfew. So I had to go to Trader Joe’s instead. By the time I got home I was somewhat demotivated about food prep, but luckily Wife pulled herself together and scrambled me an egg. I didn’t manage to get to bed till 1am, which was at least an hour later than I’d intended, but Wife was still up at 4am!

Day 80. I forced myself to get up at 8:30 since I knew I would need to go to bed early that night. I arranged to (video-)meet with my boss at 12:30. I started work around 11am or so and got a few thing done. The meeting with my boss was good--partly social, discussing how we were coping with the situation and working from home, what we missed about the office, and such, but we also talked about what I’ve been working on. She reminded me that the study section reviewing my grant application will be meeting this month, so I will have to remember to check my scores.

Afterwards we had a meeting with a few other coworkers, which was fairly productive. I had a short “coffee break” video call with a colleague, too. The county-wide curfew was lifted a day early.

After work, I took a walk in a direction I hadn’t gone in a while. Was heartened to see Black Lives Matter signs even in cul-de-sacs in a wealthy, mainly white neighborhood. I picked up takeout for dinner, and did a bunch of Adulting in the early evening, including preparing for the next morning. I was in bed by 10:45pm.

Day 81. My alarm got me up at 5am, and we left at 6am. We got to the medical center on time at 7am and I went in (Wife was not allowed to accompany me, but had to be there to drive me home; there was a separate room across the street for visitors to wait in, which was good because it was suddenly very cold outside). Initially, there was a lot of waiting, during which I did a little bit of yoga and dancing as I knew I would not be able to move much for the rest of the day. I was there for a diagnostic procedure involving a needle (for data privacy reasons I won’t get more specific here; it’s unrelated to the procedure I’m having in 2 weeks), which required me to remain horizontal for 4 hours afterwards, at least according to the information they’d given me beforehand. I had to be fasting from midnight the night before: no food or drink, including water.

Eventually I was wheeled down to the ultrasound department, where the doctor who planned to do the procedure met me and the radiologists. However, when they looked at the images, there were a lot of vessels around. The doctor did not feel confident that she could do the procedure based on a mark on my skin without accidentally hitting a blood vessel. So she asked the radiologists to do it as an ultrasound-guided procedure, which would be safer since they would be able to see what they were doing on the ultrasound. This procedure was done with only local anaesthetic. Mostly I couldn’t feel what was going on, and it was supposed to be very quick, but unfortunately, the resident had a lot of trouble--the senior radiologist was trying to guide him through doing, but he couldn’t get the needle positioned quite right, and in the end the senior radiologist had to do it herself. It was pretty uncomfortable and there were some moments where it was quite painful. I tried to breathe deeply and stay relaxed, but it was hard. When they finally got it to work, it was over pretty quickly. I was relieved. It was about 11am by then.

However, I had to spend an hour in a large recovery room with many other patients, while my blood pressure and pulse were monitored. I had expected to have the procedure done upstairs in the room where I’d started, where I had left all my stuff. They very kindly sent someone up to retrieve my phone for me so I could at least text Wife and my parents so they would know the worst of it was over. 

After an hour I was wheeled upstairs and transferred from the gurney to a bed (this took 3 people as I was not allowed to stand up yet) for more monitoring. They drew my blood to test my blood counts; I was going to be allowed to leave after only 2 hours of bed rest if the counts were stable. After the 2 hours, I was allowed to get up and use the bathroom (and grab the crossword puzzles from my backpack to work on), and then I continued resting while waiting first for the blood counts, which finally came back fine, and then for the discharge papers, which took an unreasonably long time. Around 2pm the nurse finally allowed me to have some ice--hoorah! (I was parched. I normally drink at least 2 liters of water per day.) At 2:40pm I was cleared to leave; I texted Wife, who went to get the car and picked me up at the entrance to the hospital at about 3pm. 

Literally every single person on the hospital staff was kind and friendly. They all introduced themselves to me by name, including the people whose job it was to simply wheel me from one place to another, and they all seemed to be invested in my well-being. When I was being wheeled through the hallway, whenever we passed anyone else who worked there they smiled and said hello both to me and to the person in charge of transporting me. It seemed like everyone working really considered themselves a team, with respect for everyone regardless of place in the hospital hierarchy. Since, like all patients during this pandemic, I was there alone and a bit anxious, it made the experience much less unpleasant than it could have been.  

I spent 8 hours in the hospital, so I really hope I didn’t catch COVID-19, but the procedures seemed pretty good. I was wearing a mask almost all the time (except in the room where I was waiting at the beginning and end, which was essentially private), as were all the employees, and everyone was sanitising their hands every time they entered or exited a room or touched any equipment. I also didn’t spend the whole time with any one person. So, hopefully it was safe. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon vedging out at home, rehydrating, and finally eating, and I went to bed earlier than usual though later than I expected, around 12:15am.

Day 82. I wanted to try to get a lot of sleep so my body could heal from yesterday’s ordeal, so today I slept till about 10am. The wound from the procedure is tender to the touch and there’s a small bruise near it, but otherwise I’m not in pain from it. Except my ankle is in more pain than it’s been in for ages, and I have no idea why. Maybe I slept on it funny? Or maybe it’s an aftereffect of the weird position I had to hold during the procedure.

I think my joy at getting to eat cereal this morning was perhaps a bit over-the-top!

Wife had a bad headache today, likely caused by neck tension from all the driving yesterday. I am still pretty tired today, despite all the sleep, but I suppose that’s to be expected.

We went to the farmers’ market and stumbled upon a socially-distanced, family-friendly protest. A friend of mine was there with her kids, but I didn’t see her. We bought our produce--though I had to make an extra trip back to the car to drop off my purchases, as I am not supposed to lift anything heavy today. The stand with the curried fish had run out, but they still had some uncooked prepped fish, so we bought that and they explained how to steam it at home. We came home and cooked the fish and ate it for lunch; it was just as good as it would’ve been if they’d cooked it. Phew! Other than that we’ve been relaxing at home, though Wife did gather her energy and go for a run, which has helped to relieve her headache a little (as has the bath she took afterwards, and the painkillers she took). 

I’m hoping to feel up to taking a dance class (online) tomorrow. 

#personal #dance #birdwatching #Health Care #food #even though there is no picture of food here #black lives matter #epidemiology #activism #tl;dr

[abbeysobelman]

Mon premier mois en France!

“She said, ‘The title of the film is in English, so I’m not going to say it because Abbey will make fun of me.’“ - A friend translating what my French teacher said to the class.

This weekend marks the end of my first month in France! It’s crazy, if I’m honest, to think that an entire month has already passed by. I feel like I got here last week, but I also feel like I’ve been here forever. The thought of having to leave already makes me sad. 

It’s been a good month, but busy. I’m slowly getting a hang of the school system. It’s stressful! They don’t have quizzes, and there’s hardly any homework, so all of our grades depend on tests that we seem to have almost once a week in every class. My teachers are still very understanding, which I’m happy about. I’m worried the grace period they’ve given me is going to end soon and then I’ll really be screwed. We’ll see. Other than that, everything else has been going really well! I still have friends (thank god) and they’ve already made plans to take me to Mcdonalds (or McDo, as they call it) once it reopens, and to show me their favorite places in Paris once we’re allowed. We do the best we can to tell stories with our limited understanding of each other’s language, but I’m slowly learning. My friends have started to teach me new words and grammar rules that I’ve been picking up each day. I’ve also just slowly been learning general concepts that I pick up from their speech. Like the way that they have three different ways to say Ok that aren’t interchangeable. Or the way that they say “Oh la la” in the same way we say “Omg”. 

One of the biggest lessons I think I’m going to take away from my time here is that things probably are not as big a deal as you think. I tend to have a lot of anxiety, I overthink and get anxious about things I have yet to do. But while I’ve been here, I’ve learned that you really can’t get too hung up on stuff, or you’re going to freak yourself out. For example, last friday night when I came home from school, my host mom told me “Tomorrow, you can go to the neighbor’s house and make cakes with their daughter, they invited you over”. Obviously this was entirely terrifying as I had only met these people once and they spoke pretty much no english at all, but I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t overthink and worry about what would happen. I told myself “Well, I guess I’m going to the neighbors house tomorrow to make cake”, and that was that. If you let anxiety control your life, you’re never going to accomplish anything. If had let my anxiety make choices for me, I never would have stepped foot in my school. i never would have approached people or tried to talk to them. I never would have gone to the neighbors house and befriended their daughter. I never would’ve taken a bus and walked 4 kilometers up a hill from the neighboring town. You just have to roll with the punches and hope for a good outcome.

Speaking of the neighbors, it actually went really well! They are good friends with my host parents, and have a son my age and a daughter who’s 14. The girl, ChÏme, and I got on really well. We talked for a few hours in her bedroom, me in broken French and her in broken English with the help of Google Translate if we needed it. We also made chocolate cake (gateau au chocolat), it was really good. We have more plans to hang out in the future, since our houses are less than a minutes walk from each other. Yay to making friends!

I’ve tried to keep of list of weird things I’ve picked up on since I’ve been here (I tend to forget), so here it goes: 

No one carries water bottles, and there are no public water fountains anywhere, including schools and shopping malls. No one really drinks water (in fact, I think they think I’m weird for how much I drink). At school, if you need a drink, you cup your hands under the bathroom sink and hope it doesn’t get on your shirt.

Speaking of school, there’s no toilet seats in the school bathrooms.

There doesn’t really seem to be a rule about what teachers can and can’t say or show to the class. My english teacher (a native french guy who spent a year studying in Northern Ireland. He has a very strong Irish accent) loves to say “What the hell” when someone is doing something weird. And he’s dropped the f bomb a few times. All in good humor, of course. In my speciality English class (I’ll explain that in a minute) we’re studying The Handmaid’s Tale - both the book and the series. So far we’ve watched the first two episodes, containing nudity, swearing, and just about anything that parents in America would complain about if teachers showed this to their students. It’s honestly really nice to be able to do and say things without having to make sure it’s “appropriate”, because in all honestly this is what the real world is like and it’s dumb to have to censor something just because someone says a “bad word”.

When we enter class, we’re not allowed to sit until the teacher allows us, and when a member of administration enters the room, everyone must stand until we are dismissed by the teacher. If the door to the room is closed, you must knock and wait for permission to enter. The relationships between student and teacher is very professional, and much for regulated than it seems to be in America.

Grades here are nothing to be secretive about, and the whole idea of “FERPA” doesn’t exist at all. Everyone knows and shares everyone’s grades. When teachers hand back our exames, the announce your grade and critique you to the whole class. It’s probably so you can learn from other’s mistakes, but it’s honestly a bit terrifying when you have no idea what the teacher is saying to you.

And lastly, on a completely different topic, it costs almost 2000 euros and many months of training to get your driver's license. Because of this, a lot of people drive without licenses or insurance. A lot of teens also have no intentions of ever getting their license (you have to be 18 to drive), and instead rely on public transport. 

So, back to the “Speciality English class”, because the French school system works a bit differently. Highschool (”école”) is your last three years of schooling, so the equivalent of sophomore, junior, and senior year. I’m in première (literally means “first”, the french system for years works backwards) which is the equivalent of junior year, and seniors would be in terminale. When you reach première, you are required to choose a more specific course of study depending on what you plan to do in the future. Certain classes are required, like French, English, history, and science, but everything else is up to you. You have to choose three specialities (”spécialités”), which include math, science (chemistry or biology), english, philosophy, history, geopolitics, and two languages (from Latin, Greek, Spanish, and German). It might seem confusing, because some of the required classes are also speciality classes. Essentially, everyone has three hours of English language class each week, but if you choose English as a speciality, you have an extra four hours of English literature each week. The same goes for the other classes as well. I have three hours of history each week, but my friends with a history specialite have an extra two hours of history a week. Another odd thing is that classes like math aren’t required. Everyone takes chemistry and biology (and some have it as a speciality), but not everyone is required to take math. It’s honestly a really complex system that even I don’t completely understand yet, so please feel free to ask me more questions about it so I can try to explain it better.

And speaking of English class, we are currently learning about The Troubles of Ireland, including bloody sunday. You can infer that of course, of course, we had to talk about Sunday Bloody Sunday by U2. We spent two full hours analyzing the lyrics, the sound, and the music video of the song to “help us better understand what happened”. I’m sure my father will be very happy to hear about this. We also read a poem (in English, obviously) about Bloody Sunday. Of course, my teacher has the students read it so they can practice their english, but they can only read about four lines at a time. I wanted to join in, and he had me read a long stanza, telling the class “now you’ll hear how it’s actually supposed to sound”. When I finished, pretty much the entire class joked that I had an amazing accent, and I got a lot of thumbs-ups. It was pretty funny. 

The French president also lifted some restrictions, as we’ve been in lockdown (”confinement”) since the start of October. Before, we were allowed within 1km of our house for only an hour, but now we are allows within 20km for three hours. Yesterday, I was finally able to see towns other than where I live and go to school. We ventured to the town where my host mom works, where they have a huge (huge!) shopping mall. It was fun! I got to taste my first real French macarons and my host mom bought me a cute tea mug that has the eiffel tower on it. In two weeks, we plan to spend the weekend in Paris, and stay with one of my host family’s sons. Lots of shopping and sightseeing ahead! I genuinely cried with excitement just thinking about it. And though we’re still under certain restrictions, the president plans to have most things reopened by christmas so people can enjoy the holidays. If that happens, we plan to spend a few days in Italy over the break! But for now, we wait.

That’s really everything I can think of for now, but I’ll try to keep everyone updated more! And I’ll post pictures right after I publish this. Feel free to ask questions about anything! Bonne journee! 

#france #foreign #study abroad #foreign exchange #ile-de-france

[redbeardace]

Quarantine 4: Stay Home

[This is a post for the May Carnival of Aces.]

So much is different now.

So much is the same.

I have been very fortunate so far.  The disease hasn’t touched me or anyone close to me yet.  I still have a job and am working full time.  The biggest practical impact on my life is that I no longer have a daily commute.

I see other people talking about their experiences and they’re so...  strange?

Someone remarked on my “8 days without human contact” sign, shocked that I hadn’t needed to go shopping in 8 days, that I must have really stocked up.  But I routinely go two weeks without shopping, 8 days is nothing.  I’m going on my 23rd day on this cycle and the only reason I’ll have to go shopping now is that I’m out of milk.  I still have plenty of everything else.

It’s weird to me that people seem to think that having more than three days of groceries is prepper level stockpiling.  And watching everyone make a run on the stores and seeing what they were grabbing was just baffling.  When Cascadia puts on its big show, what are these people planning to do?

People talk about how little gas they’ve been buying lately.  Welcome to my life. I have a mostly electric car and go months between fill ups.

I am truly concerned about the number of people posting “My kids are making me drink haha” jokes.  Sure, maybe it’s funny for the first few days, but if you’re still saying that on day 57, I think you seriously need to step back and look at yourself and consider if maybe you have a drinking problem.  Because you’ve spent two months talking about how you routinely drink in order to cope with the stress of your children, and that seems like you might have a problem.

Anyone know how to tell a bunch of my coworkers that they may be alcoholics in a tactful way...?

I’ve been telling a daily WFH joke on the company chat system.  I can’t keep it up anymore.  It’s gone on too long.

I’ve been making masks.

I’ve been putting hats on scarecrow owls.

I’ve been making subtle changes to the backdrop of the daily video calls for work.  Yesterday it was an vintage photo of an old man, a middle aged woman, and a teenage girl who might be a timelord, standing in a field.  Tomorrow it will be a jazzy picture of a roll of toilet paper with a face drawn on it.

It is named Sir Roland of Charmaine.

I ordered pizza delivery for the first time ever today.  I like pizza and hate people, so how come I’ve never done this before.

I haven’t had a nasty headache in weeks.

I haven’t put on any weight.

I live alone.  If I get sick, I’m going to have to take care of myself somehow.  I don’t know if I’d be able to do that.  There won’t be anyone to leave dinner at the top of the stairs.  There won’t be anyone to take me to the hospital if things get bad.  

Stuff is piling up.  Like literal stuff in literal piles.  My stairs are on the verge of becoming hazardous.  I’m not sure where all this stuff has come from.

I’m now treating my mail as hazardous material.

If I ever had to deal with actual hazardous material, I probably wouldn’t survive.

I see all these people talking about how much time they have now.  I have no extra time.  I’m feeling like I’m being an unproductive loser because I’m not going to come out of this knowing how to play the mandolin in Romanian or whatever, but I don’t have newfound free time.  Even the time gained back from the commute has vanished somewhere.

I have to have a timer at my desk so that I’ll stop working after 8-ish hours.

They’ve been giving me plastic bags at the grocery store because they refuse to use the reusable ones.  Reminds me just how much I hate plastic bags.

I have to get my house painted.  I’m kinda digging this no contact thing.  I need to take advantage of it more while it lasts.

The president is still a fascist, there’s gun-toting nutjobs on the loose who aim to kill us all one way or another, and the MURDER HORNETS ARE HERE.

Seriously.  The Murder Hornets are here.  WTF.

I’ve mostly been in good shape.  Two incidents threw me off balance.  

I lost a notecard of WFH jokes.  That was kind of a last straw situation, where I had to shuffle and strain to try to make a usable workspace and nothing was going right and even after a best attempt, the chair didn’t fit and I didn’t fit because I never fit and now there’s all sorts of stuff in my hallway that doesn’t belong there and what am I going to do with it all and I didn’t want to do any of this and NOW WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY NOTE CARD BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT HERE AND I WAS CAREFUL WITH IT AND WHERE DID IT GO AND HOW DID I LOSE IT IT LITERALLY WENT SEVEN FEET AT MOST AND I’VE SEARCHED THE WHOLE AREA A DOZEN TIMES AND HOW COULD IT JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT.

The latest Stay At Home order extension.  I knew it was coming, but just running the calendar out based on the dates they were saying and extrapolating for the dates they weren’t saying, and coming up with the middle of July at the earliest and just...

Somehow, the loss of the Pride Parade didn’t hit me that hard.  It should have.

Quarantine beards.  I don’t get it.  I mean, I’m lazy about shaving, but this I don’t understand.  Also, I’m pretty much incapable of growing a proper quarantine beard.  I grow in a month what others do in a few days.

I cut my own hair.  I’ve got electric clippers.  It’s really not that hard and it doesn’t involve potentially giving the plague to any barbers or pretending that democracy is threatened by my bangs getting a bit too long.  Of course, I only do it about once a year.  This is around the time of year that I do it, though.

I’ve worn pants every day.  Regular pants.  Not PJs or sweat pants.  But pants pants.  You all really not wearing pants?  Maybe I’ll wear a skirt one day to mix things up.

I have been routinely testing my sense of smell.  Haven’t lost it yet.

There’s stuff I want to do, but I don’t feel like doing any of it.  There are time-sensitive projects I want to do, but I don’t really want to sit in front of the computer for the time it would take to make it happen.  Because I sit in front a computer in my house all day for work now and there’s no energy left for anything more.  Not that there was energy for that stuff before.

Am I supposed to support the economy by ordering from local businesses online or save the lives of delivery workers by only ordering essential things?  And how come when I ordered a bunch of stuff from a place that claims they’re prioritizing essential items, the one thing that I ordered that could be considered essential was the last thing they shipped?

I had a Nigerian organized crime ring file for unemployment in my name.  The state’s apparently lost millions in this scheme.  I don’t understand how that can be.  It seems like “Don’t Send Money To Nigeria” would be a pretty straightforward check in the system.

Oh.  Wait.  I’m a software engineer who’s spent my time on the quality and reliability side of the house.  I can totally see something like that getting deprioritized and won’t-do’d.

Also had my credit card number stolen and used on a wild shopping spree.  Not sure if that’s ‘rona-related.  It’s the credit card I use for all my online shopping.  So that’s all on hold at the moment.

My car battery died.  I had to use a battery pack to jump it.  Fun fact:  I drive a plug-in hybrid, which had been plugged in this whole time.  Apparently the 12v battery doesn’t get charged by the wall plug.  Which seems really weird to me.

I see lots of people complaining about how they can’t have sex right now or how dating is weird.  So not a problem for me.

#carnival of aces #overreactions from the outbreak

[whats-the-story-tc]

14th of February, 2020

“The One with the Long Way Home”

[THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY LONG, CUZ A  L O T  WENT DOWN, BUT THE ENDING IS REALLY GOOD. PROMISE.]

Another day, another flannel. And y’all know what’s funny? Yesterday, I said V has a shirt similar to what I wore. A day later, she puts it on. I hate her.

Physics first thing in the morning, and the teacher asked me to fetch some tests that we left in our classroom. As I went outside, and looked towards the teachers’ corridor, I spotted an oddly familiar wristwatch on an oddly familiar hand. I step back a little, so I can see the person in question better. Bingo, it’s V — and she was cutting paper. Blood froze in my veins as I walked away. I didn’t remember her promising us a test. Seconds later, I remembered that one of the younger boys I know from rehearsals told me they’re writing a test in V’s class, in second period. Thank God. 

English with V. Turns out, she did have some papers for us, too, but it was only classwork. Didn’t take a minute to recognise the metaphors in the exercise. Meanwhile, V took her dice out of her pocket, twirling the bag in her hands and fiddling with its strings. “Uh-oh...” I muttered. “I’m just playing with it, don’t be scared.” she told me, with the trademark half-smile.

Turns out, my solutions were all correct. Sometimes, I explained them to a confused Art Friend before V could, but she didn’t seem to mind much. I think she’s used to me not having much control over my words. She lets me speak. But when she did get into full-blown story mode, when Know-It-All asked her something... things got interesting. V, sitting on the edge of her desk, looked at him when she started speaking — then turned to me. As in, looked me directly in the eyes all the while she was explaining whatever she was explaining, for about half a minute or so. It wasn’t easy to keep eye contact, but I managed somehow. I’m getting better at it. When she finished, she looked back at him briefly, before walking back to the blackboard. I didn’t know what to make of it. I still don’t. It’s been two days since, and I get butterflies thinking about it.

V asked us if we could recognise what kind of stylistic thingamajig this one quote was. After thinking a lot, as I recognised it, I just couldn’t find the word, I blurted out: “Metonymy!” “Why?” V asked me. “Cuz that’s what first came to mind!” I surprised V to a grin, the rest of the class laughing as well. “I wish it worked like that.” she said.

But here’s the funny part. Know-It-All had no idea what hoarfrost meant (it was in one of the quotes), and thought it was a plant. The look on V’s face... if eyes could kill, he would’ve turned to ashes. The poor woman was shocked. She fully pulled out her phone, googled that shit, and walked up to him with the image search results on her screen. I think Incessant Questions Guy also asked to see it, and, though I don’t remember everything she said, she definitely called him “City Kid”. I was howling with laughter. 

Then I noticed. V types with only her right hand. The same way I do. I raised my hand immediately, and asked her “Sorry, off-topic question, but did I notice correctly that you type with only one hand, Miss?” I think she thought I was gonna call her out on it, because she said “Yeah. That’s what I got used to.” “Finally someone!” I answered. “I spent my whole life getting picked on for this!” She didn’t say anything, but someone else did. “Another similarity.” said Comparison Boy. Oh, the irony. Out of all people, it’s her having this in common with me. I think it would be easier to list our differences than what we have in common.

After V called Blonde Boy in the Back out on him doing fuck all in class, he didn’t take it very well. As we were waiting for our next class, I overheard him tell his friend “What’s going on with this [V]? She’s a dick, that one.” I had to physically remove myself from there so I didn’t say anything. Does discipline immediately mean someone is a dick these days? I’m afraid for my generation.

I don’t remember where my mood started going downhill. It must have been around homeroom, where things got pretty serious. Serious as in my stomach still sinks thinking about it. 

V’s presence in the next period made it slightly better, but didn’t solve things completely. “You know what’s funny?” she turned to me and Pocketwatch Friend, after I said that the other class should get their own loudspeakers (which, as V informed me, they did). “That [this one teacher] thinks yours is free property! [The one she was plugging in] is the other class’, as they took yours, then [another class] took it elsewhere, and then [that teacher] took it like it was free property!” Bless her soul, she was so riled up.

Now, because these loudspeakers were a little different, V had to choose a different spot to sit. That very spot was the other side of the desk in front of ours  — placing V in a way where she was facing me directly. Meaning I actually had to watch the film. As soon as Tatyana appeared with that extra ass hairdo, I said “Shame about that hair,” making V grin and repeat it immediately. And, when I pointed out that Tatyana is the only one wearing colour, my favourite absolute unit of a woman paused the film just talk about it, calling it a “good discovery”. I feel valid.

After class, I thought I’d be cute and help her out a little, and unplug the loudspeakers, as well as take them back to their original place, receiving a “many thanks” for it. As I told Pocketwatch Friend, whom I dragged with me, “I wouldn’t carry anyone else’s shit.” Not true, cuz I help everyone and their mothers cuz I can’t say no, but anyway. When I went back to our classroom, V was still there, giving the Onegin tests back to my classmates. Naturally, I went to check mine. “It’s always the names!” I said, looking at what I got wrong. “Always...” I heard quietly from the other side of the teachers’ desk. V wasn’t surprised. What did surprise her, however, that the actress playing Olga, Lena Headey, is the one playing Cersei in Game of Thrones. When Art Friend and I told her, she started grinning, all wide-eyed. “I didn’t even get that! You learn something new every day.” She was still grinning about it when she walked away.

After that, I started to think about graduation, totally randomly. What happens after. If V and I will stay in contact. How could I possibly ask her something like that. I kept spiralling into things, and took the longer way home, thinking more and more, until I pushed myself to the verge of tears for absolutely no reason at all. Honestly, though. I still don’t get why I did that. There wasn’t a reason. 

But let me tell you what there was this evening — a school dance. There is always one towards the end of winter. And once I finished training, I ventured into the crowd. The day couldn’t end with me crying alone at home and writing a sad post on it. I wouldn’t let it. And this is where Fate kicked in, as everything, that happened from then on, was a string of coincidences aligning a very particular way, too particular for it to be coincidences anymore.

I walked around in circles, eyes sharp, making small talk with a couple people along the way, looking for her, but not finding her anywhere. But... that couldn’t be. Every teacher was here, even the ones who never attend anything. There was no way she wasn’t somewhere among all these people. And as I made my way deeper into the crowd, I spotted a familiar shirt. She was sitting in the very front row. A judge. Every class has to present something, you see, as there’s a contest every year, judged by teacher. Well chosen, I thought to myself. V always sees everything.

But this also meant, that if I wanted to talk to her, I’d have to stay until everyone is done, with either a dance or a video. Am I seriously staying until I haven’t spoken to her? Maybe. Fuck it, I’ll do it. You only live once. - I texted to Pocketwatch Friend. Are you sure this is what you want? - she replied. And no, I wasn’t. No matter what was happening, my eyes were on V. The scoring paper in her hand, the pen in her mouth, the way her shirt collar was open, exposing the nape of her neck... unreachable, now physically, too. On the verge of crying, I waited for my Dad to stop talking to my coach so we could leave. I couldn’t take another minute of this.

Outside, I told Dad that I wanted to walk the long way ‘round home, because “today has been a lot” and “I want to think”. Then Dad posed me a good solution, so I wouldn’t be alone: “Why don’t you walk me home then?” As soon as he told me there was cake at theirs, I was sold. I hadn’t eaten in a while by then, and I would’ve needed some energy for crying anyways, so it definitely felt like a good solution. And it definitely was good cake, even though I nearly teared up at the dinner table about five times.

It’s time to get going, and Dad offered to accompany me until I’m about halfway home. And when he left, I got an idea. I couldn’t simply walk past school without being sad, so... why not go back inside? I could still wander around on the dark streets, listen to sad music and cry afterwards, if I wanted to. But, as I said before, I wasn’t about to let the day end like that. And as long as there was even just half a percent chance that there would be a happy ending to my night, I owed myself that chance to try. I’ve gone mad. - I texted Pocketwatch Friend on my way back. And even though she was trying to talk me out of it, I told her to tell me one reason why I shouldn’t, aside from the pain. It has hurt before. I could take it. But I knew that no matter what she said, she couldn’t talk me out of it. I was already at the corner of the building. I was going inside.

I walked up to the bridge, and ran into Art Friend. Thank God, someone I knew, someone I could talk to about what was wrong! And, of course, she wasn’t the only one there. There V was, just so my heart could hurt even more, stood at the railing, not looking up from her goddamn phone. Now that I saw her, I suddenly wasn’t so brave anymore. I didn’t want to bother her, so I chickened out of going up to her, even though Art Friend tried to talk me into it. I refused and refused until V walked away. Fantastic. I’m literally so fucking stupid

We kept talking for about ten minutes after that, Art Friend and I, both of us venting about our love-related woes to the other, and chatting with a few other people along the way. I didn’t know whether I should stay or go, I felt absolutely hopeless and confused at that point. Nothing made sense. After asking my poor friend about five times whether I should stay or go, I decided to stay. At least until she came back. And she did come back.

V and A walked down the stairs together, both of them joining the people standing at the railing as the band, comprised entirely of students, was setting up downstairs. Now’s my time, I thought, and went closer to where V was standing. One of the teachers, who used to be my homeroom teacher at about the dawn of time, noticed me standing behind her, and offered to swap places with me so I could see better, which would’ve put me even closer to V, who was, for your information, still on her goddamn phone. I politely refused, but she wouldn’t have it, and so, I wound up directly at the railing, my Art teacher next to me, V just slightly behind us. I think you can guess how nervous I was.

I ended up talking to my Art teacher, discussing some stuff in a couple sentences. Bless, she’s the best person to talk to when you’re nervous, as she’s a right laugh. And then. V came closer, bumping into the Art teacher’s feet as she did. The latter barely even noticed, even though V said sorry, so V tapped her shoulder to say sorry again. And there we were. The music started, V wound up between us, so now, she was standing directly next to me. Jesus bloody Christ. So much for a healthy blood pressure.

Listen, guys. We all know V is clever. She knew why I was still wearing my coat. She knew why I was standing there and she knew why I was so nervous and why I didn’t say a word to her. That might be why she decided to speak first. The music was loud, so she leaned closer and just told me “Look at those two stupid seniors in the corner,” referring to two boys dancing in this classical, wobble-your-shoulders kinda club dancing style. She even imitated it, making me laugh, but she was grinning too. Down by the stage, the people started a train dance, which V just commented as “Unbelievable,” still grinning. Meanwhile, I thought it unbelievable that I’m the one she started talking to when I haven’t seen her speak to anyone else all night.

“How were the performances from the first row?” I asked her, subtly referring to the fact that I saw her earlier. She leaned closer again, hand in front of her mouth like she was saying something confidential, and told me “To be honest, I was a little scared of the girls dancing hip-hop.” “Who, the younger kids?” I asked her, laughing. “No, no, the guests.” Yeah, I probably missed those. Anyway. “And how was our clip?” I continued. “I thought there were too few of you in it, but it was really well edited.” “Yeah, [Boy who filmed it] is talented at this. I was only in it, so I didn’t have to go to P.E.” And as the band started playing a new song, I told V “[They’re] really good.” “Yeah, I want to film them.”

And she did. Understandable, I think she teaches half of them, and they were really good. After that, there was silence. She pulled out her phone, and, as far as I’m concerned, she was texting, meanwhile I got a few words with A who was standing nearby, and took photos myself. I decided, that when the song ends, I’ll leave. I got way more than I hoped for, anyway.

“I think I’m gonna go now.” I turned to V, once we gave them the applause they deserved. “Alright.” “And you, Miss? Are you staying until the end?” “Well, I have to.” “And why is that?” Maybe this one I shouldn’t have said, as it was painfully fucking obvious. “I’m supervising.” “Oh. Well, then, have a good weekend.” “You too.” “And keep holding on.” “Thanks.” My Art Teacher waved to me, smiling, as I walked away, and I waved back. Yeah. There’s a bit of a difference between how I like her and how I love V.

I went downstairs to say goodbye to Art Friend, and, just before I left, I looked back up at V, who was smiling. I’m not certain anymore, and I don’t want to write misinformation, but in that very moment, I could’ve sworn she was looking at me.

I no longer needed to take the long way home, I went my usual way. Even so, I burst into tears, but those were of relief. I trusted my gut, went through with it, and my night ended really well. Then I spent the rest of that night and the next morning calling my friends and telling them in even more excruciating detail what happened between V and I. To be honest, it still doesn’t feel real.

See, I still don’t know if there even is a V and I to begin with. But something has definitely changed in the past weeks, I feel it. But I’ll leave this up to you to judge. All I know is that I’m over the moon. Good luck trying to get me off.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

#not @ how this took me a whole ass day to write #tc #tcc #teacher crush community #female tc #female teacher crush

[hunnywrites]

Arcade Dreams: Chapter Two

Summary: There’s a new girl working at the Palace Arcade and Hawkins’ Family Video. Billy can’t stand her, and the feeling is mutual. No matter what everyone else seems to think.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove/OFC

When Teddi said that she was desperate for cash, she meant it. After she had secured her job at the video store she had driven around Hawkins and applied to literally every place in town that had been hiring. On Thursday night she had gotten a call from one of the lifeguards at the public pool. They were in dire need of some new staff and asked if she’d be willing to help out on Saturday. During the Fall and Winter they taught swimming lessons at the Hawkins High indoor pool, and seeing as Teddi spent most of her time these days around kids she figured she could handle it. 

It was a part time job. Her shift would end in time for her to still make it into the video store and they were paying surprisingly well. It almost seemed too good to be true. But she brushed the feeling off. There was no way she was turning down the cash. Even if the kids in class started vomiting pea soup while their heads spun around. 

She showed up twenty minutes before her shift. It was a habit. Teddi had a problem sitting still and she’d rather look like overzealous than sit in her car and watch the minutes tick by. And thankfully she knew someone she’d be working with. A girl named Heather that she had a few classes with. She was nice, even for being one of the popular girls. “You have no idea how glad I am you’re here,” Heather said with a grateful sigh. She was leading Teddi to a supply closet to find her a suit and whistle. “We’ve been spreading ourselves out pretty thin. I was sitting up there nearly my entire shift yesterday while the guys handled everything else,” she said, nodding to the tall chair that overlooked the pool. “They were running around like headless chickens” she laughed. 

A guy named Freddy had been the one that called Teddi about the job. And Heather had mentioned a girl named Katie would be the one to relieve Teddi at the end of her shift. If there was anyone else, Heather hadn’t mentioned them yet. “Okay, so the girl’s locker room is right over there so you can change. I’m up first on the seat, so I think Freddy is gonna find someone to show you around. He’s handling the only class we have today so you don’t have to worry about that. And training is pretty simple. You’ll catch on in no time, don’t worry.” Heather said with a reassuring smile. 

“Oh yeah, don’t worry about me! I worked at the pool back home for a few summers,” she waved a hand. “You go and I’ll find Freddy. Holler if you need anything.” Teddi assured her. Heather gave a playful salute and walked off to get the gym ready to open and Teddi ducked into the locker room. 

Billy swung the gym door open, removing his sunglasses and tucking them into the front of his crewneck sweater. He gave a short wave to Heather before disappearing into the small room that they had claimed as their break room. Freddy was already there, parked in front of the vending machine as he decided on a snack. “Hey, Hargrove,” he greeted. “I got a favor. We have a new girl starting today. Can you show her around?”

Billy raised an eyebrow. “New girl? When did that happen?” he knew Heather and Freddy had been considering hiring someone new for awhile. Things definitely weren’t as busy as they would be during the summer, but the amount of kids looking for something to do during school break was running them thin. 

“Hired her Thursday. She’s just here for a few hours a day, but it’s when things are busiest. But y’know, don’t go scaring her off huh?” he teased. Billy chuckled. He had to admit, there had been a few girls that had come and gone in the short time since he had been hired. He couldn’t make any promises. 

“Yeah, yeah. I got it. So no testing her on her CPR skills then, huh?” he joked. He pulled his sweater off, throwing it into his duffel bag and tossing it aside. Freddy laughed and shook his head, calling ‘later, dude’ as Billy walked back out to the pool. He froze when he saw the girl’s locker room door swing open and Teddi walk out. Great. Freddy definitely wouldn’t have to worry about him chasing this one off. If anything it would be the other way around. 

Teddi was surprised to see Billy there. She never would have guessed he’d be a lifeguard, or rather anything that dealt with kids. She was also surprised to see how annoyed he looked once he spotted her. Teddi watched as he made his way over with that angry stomp of his, admittedly very confused as to why he seemed so bothered by her. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

Teddi blinked a few times. “Uh...I work here.” she offered, looking down at her swimsuit that read “Hawkins pool lifeguard” like his own. Now it was her turn to look at him like he had grown a second head.

“You work at the video store.” he said with an accusing tone. 

“True. But I needed the extra cash...should I lie and say I’m here to ruin your life? That kinda seems like the answer you’re looking for....” she tilted her head to the side. Billy let out a short huff. Teddi wondered briefly if he was still upset about the night before. After he stormed out, Keith had explained that Billy was somewhat of a ladies man. So the fact that she not only hadn’t been drooling over him, but teased him had probably hadn’t made him too happy. She had to admit it was a little funny though. Men could be so sensitive. 

But Billy didn’t say anything. He simply turned away and stalked off. Teddi paused briefly before rushing to catch up to him. “Are you gonna be the one showing me around?” she asked. He only let out a grunt. “I’ll take that as a yes...is this because of last night? Look, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you-“

Billy let out a harsh laugh. “You really think you could embarrass me?” He asked as he lead her into a laundry room. “I don’t give a shit if some weird girl isn’t into me.” Teddy definitely didn’t miss how defensive his tone was. He was so worked up that he didn’t even bother explaining what they were doing. He just dumped out a basket of dirty towels onto a fold out table and started sorting them. 

Teddi tried to mask the amused look on her face as she watched him. His jaw was clenched tightly as he worked and the tops of his ears were growing red. She joined in to help him sort the different sized towels. “I didn’t-“ 

“I am swimming in pussy-“ he spat. Teddi cut off whatever else he was about to say with a loud snort. Billy looked at her incredulously. What the fuck was up with this chick?

“Did you honestly just say that?” She asked, still snickering. “God, you’re just a regular Prince Charming aren’t you?” 

Billy leaned forward and gave Teddi an accusing look. “What are you, like a lesbian or something?” that for some reason only made Teddi laugh harder. “What the fuck is so funny?” he demanded. 

Teddi shook her head, her laughter dying down. “Nothing. Sorry. It’s just...you think because a girl isn’t all over you that it means she’s a lesbian?” she asked, her laughter bubbling back up again. “No, I’m not a lesbian. I just don’t like assholes.”

Billy scoffed and shook his head. He gathered up a pile of towels and threw them in the wash before grabbing new, clean towels from the dryer and bringing them back to the table. The pair silently began folding towels. Teddi hated it. “...Did your sister like the movies?” she finally asked, fully prepared for more snappy remarks. 

Billy narrowed his eyes at her as if she were speaking another language. “What? Oh...I don’t know, I guess,” he shrugged. 

“Did you like it?” she asked carefully.

Billy was quiet for a moment, like he was trying to decide whether he had or not. “...I’ve seen worse.” he finally said. Teddi guessed that was as close to a compliment as she’d ever get from him. 

“You don’t seem to be the type to go to the movies a lot.” she observed. It was hard to imagine a guy like Billy being cooped up in a theater or choosing to stay home with a rental instead of doing...whatever it was that he liked to do. 

“If I do I’m sure as hell not watching the movie.” he smirked. Teddi rolled her eyes. He just couldn’t turn it off. But she’d take the mindless flirt over his antichrist side. She wouldn’t push her luck though. Teddi went back to silently folding towels, extremely grateful when Billy flipped on the radio that was sitting a little precariously on a fold out chair in the corner of the room. 

He could practically hear Max giving him shit for being an asshole. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. ‘You need to learn how to chill the hell out’, she had said. ‘You can’t keep acting like such a psychopath’. So he started to learn to bite his tongue a little more often. He noticed people didn’t mind being around him as much now. He could joke around with Freddy and the girls at work. Things felt just a little bit more normal. A little bit more like back home. But god sometimes it was hard to keep the anger at bay.

 “What do you need the cash for?” He asked suddenly. Teddi looked up at him, her eyebrows raised in surprise. “You said you needed extra cash. What’s it for?” He corrected himself. 

“Oh, yeah. Well, mainly college I guess,” the look on his face told her that was exactly the answer he had been expecting. “Honestly if it’ll get me out of here then I’ll take it.” she said with a shrug. 

Billy raised an eyebrow. Aside from maybe Max, he hadn’t met anyone else that didn’t love living in Hawkins. “You hate it here too, huh?”

Teddi looked around as if someone was listening in before letting out a heavy sigh. “It’s so cold. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s cold in New York. But there was at least stuff to do. All there is here is the video store, the arcade and...cows. I don’t know how people stand it.” she was surprised when Billy actually laughed. A genuine laugh.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’d rather chew off my own foot than stay in this shit hole much longer.” that’s something at least, Teddi thought. Something they had in common. It wasn’t like she was going to go out of her way to become friends with Billy. If that was even possible. But if they were going to work together she at least wanted to be able to be in the same room without him wanting to strangle her. 

There was something she couldn’t really figure out about Billy. He wasn’t just your average angry guy. Her dad was an angry guy. He had two modes. Angry and quiet. Thankfully over the last few years the quiet side had taken most of the control. But with Billy it didn’t seem like it was just hot and cold. Angry and quiet. There were these moments that would peek out where she could see him as a nice guy. A little cranky, but a nice guy. But then they were gone almost as fast as they arrived. 

She decided she wouldn’t press on the matter. She didn’t want to get involved with whatever was going on with him. She would be cordial, and that was that. Mostly anything to keep him from saying pussy ever again. 

So they worked in silence to finish up the rest of the laundry. Billy gave her a tour, gave her a brief rundown of the pool rules and showed her where they kept the pool chemicals, supplies for lessons and anything else she might need. And while there were no more arguments between them, Teddi had to keep herself from rolling her eyes every time she caught Billy blatantly checking her out. 

Before she knew it her shift was up. She headed back to the locker room to change back into her winter wear and stopped by Billy who had relieved Heather from her post. “So, thanks for showing me around. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

Billy looked almost surprised she was thanking him. “Uh, yeah, sure....later.” he mumbled awkwardly. He wouldn’t meet her eyes, almost like if anyone overheard their conversation they’d think he wasn’t cool anymore. Teddi only let out a small laugh, waving at him and heading out into the cold, wintery weather. She decided this would be a good fit. It got her out of the house for a few extra hours, and Billy wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle. 

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove fic #billy hargrove x oc

[wouldyoulikeachinese]

It’s horrible. This feeling inside. This knowing that I feel more for you than I have ever felt for anyone before. I remember the day we started talking. I had just got my 2nd and 3rd tattoos. I was sat at the train station aimlessly swiping on tinder. Then I saw your profile. I instantly looked through all your pictures and read your bio. I sat there thinking she looks wonderful and she sounds like a really lovely individual. I don’t often spend so long on a profile. But I spent a good 2/3 minutes hoping you’d swipe right like me. Then I actually did swipe right. 15/20 minutes later my phone buzzed. Tinder notification. You’ve got a new match. Then not a minute later. Another notification. “Hope has sent you a new message”. Believe me when I say. A huge grin lit up across my face. I read the message. It read something along the lines of “I love your bio” and I replied “thanks, I spent ages thinking of that” Then you asked “but do you actually have hay fever?” I told you “we won’t know till I pick one” and it wouldn’t be for another 5 days you found out the answer to that question. We spent a lot of time talking after that. I remember finding out you ran a hamster rescue and that made me think “gosh, I’m really starting to like this girl” your love of animals has always been clear to me. And I’ve always wanted someone who loves animals. I think it’s a clear sign of a good nature. We kept talking for a few days. I finally plucked up the courage to ask you out cause I knew if I didn’t do it soon I’d never do it. We agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon. As you wouldn’t be able to do a long date cause of your daughter Ava.

I remember when we spoke on FaceTime the day before we met because you said you’d feel more comfortable if we did. I thought that’s a really good idea cause I’m sooooo nervous to meet you. I remember you going off camera to blow your nose cause you felt embarrassed I guess, I thought that was extremely cute. Honestly the call only made me more nervous cause I thought you were completely wonderful from that point on. I still think about the way you told me you eat beans on toast. I still haven’t tried it your way but I’m sure I will do one day. I remember getting ready to come meet you and feeling incredibly nervous. So much so that I vomited before leaving my house in the morning. I remember stopping at Tesco telling my friend Jasmin about how I was going on a date with this really wonderful girl and that I was hoping it would go well. I remember what drink you asked me to pick up for you. Lucazade pink lemonade. I grabbed it for you. I remember biking to Kennington and thinking I’m so nervous cause she seems so great and I don’t want to be the usual nervous idiot I am around new people. I never believed in “love at first sight” and I still don’t. But I remember the first time I saw you as if it was the most important thing that ever happened to me. I had just got into Kennington and you started calling me. You asked where I was. I don’t really know where anything is in Kennington so I told you to stay where you are and I’ll share my location on WhatsApp. I figured biking to the main road would be a good idea. As I reached the main road you asked “are you the blue dot on the map” I said “yes” then as I turned to look on the main road. I saw a girl who looked similar to you facing away from me. I said “I think I see you” you turned around. And I don’t think it did but it felt like my jaw opened extremely wide because I was completely blown away by your eyes. The brightest, most piercing set of eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking in to. You had my full attention from that point on. We hugged and walked down the the lock like we had agreed. We sat on a bench with a lovely view of the lock. There were some people throwing something into the water. You said “I think they’re measuring how deep the water is” but I thought there were just trying to see if they could pull anything out. I don’t think I’ll ever know which one of us was right and I don’t think I care. Let’s be honest it was probably you. I rolled us both a cigarette and you turned your speaker on. We sat talking and it just felt so easy. It all felt so wonderful from the first minute. I remember it started to rain so we moved to a place it had some cover, but by the time we got there it was glorious sunshine. I didn’t mind. We were still speaking and I was falling for you more as each sentence went past. By the end of the date we had already agreed to a second date at some point during the next week and you said you’d get back to me what day. I remember feeling very sad when your mum messaged you that you needed to head home. But I also felt happy cause we had had such a lovely date. I remember as we were walking back towards your mums you said “so good things, you didn’t stab me, you didn’t push me in the river and I don’t think you’re a paedo” I found that very funny, I’ve always found your humour hilarious. I walked you basically to your road which happily happened to be where I turned off to bike home also. We hugged and said we’d had a good time. Then went our separate ways.

I arrived at work following that. I let out a huge fart sat in the smoking area because I had been holding it in so soooo long! I never really needed to cause now we both fart as if nothing could embarrass us. But I felt like it was the right thing to do on a first date. Especially with how much I already wanted to impress you. I remember you had text me already and I was ecstatic to see that. It really made me feel like that date had gone well. I was talking about you to all my friends at work whilst I was there that evening. And anyone else who would listen. I was really hoping our date had gone as well as I thought it had. The next day came my confirmation that it had gone well! You asked if I wanted to come round yours that evening. I remember thinking to myself man I really want to, but that’s a very long way to bike. So I said to you “I don’t even know how I’d get there” you replied “well if you finish at 6 you could bike and be here by 7:30” I thought for a minute after receiving that message. Then I just thought fuck it. I had a lovely date yesterday and this girl has been amazing so far. So I told you I’d come. I worked the fastest I ever have to make sure I got out at 6. I finished work, changed quickly and jumped on my bike. I had to figure out how to get to you on the way. Checking my navigation app all the way there. You rang me when I got about halfway. I didn’t know where I was and you could barely hear me through my headphones. But it was nice to know you were wanting me there as soon as possible. I arrived into Stanford in the Vale after about an hour and a half of solid biking. I arrived at yours and you stepped outside and gave me a hug. I remember my mind saying “ I really hope this girl is worth all this” let me tell you darling. You are worth it all.

We went inside to yours and sat on the sofa. I don’t remember what we watched at first but I do remember watching Britain’s got talent with you. The first time I had watched it since leaving my family home to come to uni. It reminded me of a simpler time. When all was good and me and my family would sit and watch it. Be amazed by the good acts and take the piss out of the bad ones. Watching that with you made me realise how badly I just want a family of my own to make memories with and let me tell you, it’s been a very long time since I’ve wanted a family of my own. Not since I was 17. But you helped me realise that I’ve been looking for the wrong things for a long time. And for that I am forever grateful. We laughed a lot that night and I had such a great time again. I was amazed by our chemistry and how well we connected after just 2 times of seeing each other. I remember biking home from yours that evening in a really good mood. Hopeful for what the future had in store for us. A few days later you invited me round again. Of course I said yes. How could I say anything else? You’re just brilliant. I “helped” you build the guinea pig cage when I came round. I think that was the day you said whenever you’re ready to meet Ava let me know and we will arrange a day. I said I’m pretty certain I know where I want things to go with you so the sooner I meet Ava the better. We agreed on Thursday as I had that day off.

I woke up Thursday morning nervous as hell. I’m not usually very good around kids. But you assured me that she’s lovely and I’d be fine. You were right. When I got round within 5/10 minutes I was thinking how wonderful she was. I remember when I first saw her I could tell she was yours. Because she has the same beautiful eyes that you do. I was extremely broody by the time I left yours that day. I honestly felt like I was on top of the world that night. I came over a few nights after that. I remember watching a film that night with you laid across me and I was just stroking your back. I could tell we were both starting to feel turned on. It was the first time I really wanted to start making a move on you. But I didn’t happen that night. I got home that night. When I had just got into bed you messaged me. It was around 1:30/2 am. You said you couldn’t stop thinking about me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. We sexted and sent a few naughty pictures on snapchat. I came so hard for the last video you sent me.

You invited me to stay over the Monday and spend the day with you and Ava the next day. I was thrilled. I went into work extra early on that Monday to make sure I got to you on time that evening. My boss dropped me off and I spoke to my dad whilst I waited for you to get ready. I had lost my step mum the day before so my dad was obviously reeling from losing his wife. But he seemed to perk up when I told him about how good I felt about you and me. It was really nice. I went to the co op to fetch strawberry laces for you before I came over. I got to yours and we had a lovely evening. Again watching a movie whilst I was stroking your back. We went to bed. Our bodies cuddle together in your bed felt amazing. I started kissing your back, I heard your breathing start to get deeper. I started kissing you all over and eventually you turned onto your back and we began kissing for the first time. It felt like an explosion. I loved the way you kissed me. I will never forget the first kiss. I started to undress you. I touched your pussy. I could tell how much you wanted me. I got you naked. And I went down on you. It was then I realised you weren’t lying with all those strawberry emojis. Sweet sweet nectar. Eventually after quite a while of enjoying your sweet pussy I came back up and entered you. No word of a lie a pussy has never felt so good around my cock. It was another explosion. We fucked for a long time and I really enjoyed how much you enjoyed me being inside you. It was so hot and sweaty. I told you it was the best I had ever had. And I didn’t even cum. I wasn’t lying.

The next day was also amazing. We went to the co op with Ava and then to the park. Ava really is the sweetest child I’ve ever met and I’m so glad I have both of you in my life. I remember doing her flash cards with her and thinking how smart she is for her age. It really speaks volumes about how good of a mum you are. And that only attracts me to you more. We spent a lot of time together the next few days and on the Saturday we went official. I was so thrilled to call you my girlfriend. April 27th. A date I’ll always hold dear to me now. Over the next week we spent more time together and it was amazing all the way. Until the next Saturday. I had spent Wednesday night and all day Thursday and Friday with you. I had gone to work and was coming back that evening. Something happened in the time I was at work. I don’t know still what started it but by the time I got to you that night you seemed like something was wrong. You assured me it was just cause you were tired. We had a good evening watching bgt again. So I tried not to dwell on it too much. But the next morning you still seemed off. Like something was bothering you. You assured me again nothing was wrong, you were just tired. But when I Ieft yours that day I knew something was wrong for sure when you didn’t message me after I left.

You had always messaged me not long after I had left. So I thought I would message you first. I didn’t get a reply. So I asked you again if something was wrong. You told me this time. You were confused and didn’t know why. You said you felt flat and my heart instantly sank. I always assume the worst. It’s a bad trait I have. I thought I had lost you. I tried to be understanding and to give you the support you needed. You messaged me sparingly though out the day and it was hard. Very hard to adjust to the lack of messages when I had been so used to messaging you all day long. Eventually you told me that evening that you wanted to take things slower. And I was so relieved. Finally the feelings telling me I had lost you were starting to disappear. But I knew they would not stay gone. Monday was hard. We barely spoke in comparison to normal. One of the hardest changes was not receiving the usual snapchats of Ava through the day. I think the hardest change was not knowing how you were doing for most of the day though. You asked if I wanted to come see you both on Thursday and I started to feel better again. Tuesday was hard also. Still very few messages in comparison to normal. But I knew you needed your space to figure yourself out. You asked if I wanted to stay over Wednesday night before our day together Thursday. Of course I did. But my paranoia and insecurities really started to play with me that night. I felt like you were slipping away from me and I just wanted to cry. Wednesday I could tell you were starting to feel more like yourself again. But I started to feel worse. My insecure mind had me all messed up and there was a point I was tempted to say I couldn’t come over that night. I did it anyway cause I knew it was just my mind messing with me. We had a lovely evening.

Thursday morning came along. I was fine when I woke up. But after a little while, just before we left the house I got this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. It had gone by the time we got to wantage and we had a great time going round the charity shops. You found a lovely dragon. You looked so cute with him. You asked if it embarrassed me. Far from it. I find your confidence to carry the dragon around the town very inspiring. It only makes me feel stronger towards you. We got back from wantage and not long after that the empty feeling returned. I think the empiness is caused by my paranoia. Telling me your done with me. Even though your actions completely suggest otherwise. It’s hard at times. After the feeling had past we had a lovely evening. You showed me your old YouTube channels and some of the videos on there. You may think they’re silly I don’t know how you feel about them for sure but I think it’s cool how you can look back and see them. See how you’ve changed and how far you’ve come. You impress me more each passing day. And I asked you to stop getting more impressive many times now!! The empty feeling returned when I had to leave yours that evening. It’s been hard adjusting to slowing things down. But I think I’m getting better at it. I spent a long time talking to friends that night trying to answer my problems.

That brings us on to yesterday. I woke up and still felt empty. I spoke to you in the morning and you made me feel better. You’re so wonderful and understanding. I’m so happy you’re part of my life. I’m so happy that Ava is part of my life also. You’re both huge positive influences on me and you surprise me all the time with how amazing you both are. You invited me over. And of course I said yes. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say no to that question. I got over at around 5:30. Bonnie left. That was sad. But it was the right decision. Even if you feel bad about it now. Then a couple came for chestnut. We had a takeaway and watch some Mr Bean. Then we went to bed. You asked me to do your back and you fell asleep quickly. I spent ages caressing you still after that. When you next woke up I had spent so long touching you I was very hot for you. I think me caressing you in your sleep had also got you hot. Eventually we started having sex. I was an idiot and got stressed out during it. I can be a real idiot at times. Then I got all pissy when you started to go for a ciggy afterwards cause I was in a bad mood. Caused by myself. It wasn’t fair and I am sorry for that. Now it’s Saturday morning. It’s 2am and I’ve sat here writing things for 2 hours. Just cause I felt like such a fool. You were in a bad mood before you fell asleep. You assured me it’s not cause of anything I did. I hope not. I guess it’s time to go to bed. Ava will be up before 7 I’m sure. She’s slept well so far. There she is crying now. I’m sure you’ll wake up soon.

[pbandjesse]

I'm feeling very tired. Not really in a bad way but still. It was just a long day. And my allergies are bothering me from kicking up a bunch of dust organizing with James earlier. But it's okay. I'm going to go to sleep soon.

I didn't sleep very good last night. James is heat turned on in the middle of the night and I was just unbearably hot. He got up and turn on some more fans and that helped but it was still pretty terrible. The thermometer on the AC unit said it was 87° in front of the heater. It was a horrible. Like I don't mind being awake and warm at his apartment but I can't sleep like that. Too close to a radiator. Especially because for some reason he has no control over it at all. But I live in Minneapolis and I had a radiator I could turn it off at least. It's fine. I got enough sleep.

He woke up early and made us waffles. I got up a little before 8 and got ready enough to go home after we had breakfast. It was nice to sit with him. And then I walked home. I went to Rite Aid to pick up a few things I need it. I talked to a nice man outside to help him figure out how to get to the Social Security Office. I hope I gave him good enough directions. And then I went back to my place.

I got back here a little after 9. I spent the first hour kind of cleaning and handling some stuff. I took the trash out. I made pasta salad and enjoyed having the door open for a bit. But then I start getting too cold. And I had to convince weepy to come inside. He knows what I tell him to come inside because he chitters back at me and then he runs a friend. But today we just have the chitters conversation back and forth for a few minutes until I told him I would leave the door cracked for him. And about 10 minutes later he pushed his way inside.

I had lunch and pack up my bag. And I headed out. I brought my Furby Vincent with me. And while I was at the bus stop I took him out of my bag to take a picture and someone walking by slow down and gave me a thumbs up and said nice Furby. And it made me laugh.

It was a nice day. I got to work and get some stuff for the class. I thought maybe you were supposed to have a meeting today but everyone else was like no we had an email meeting. I wouldn't call a meeting rather just a bulletin but that's okay. I worked on a lesson plan and got our board ready. And then Chelsi came and we went to Subway together. She offered to drive which was very nice of her I am we got sandwiches and came back and I went to get our kids.

It was a pretty good day. Everyone was kind of in a weird mood and I told the kids that we could find a Planet to blame it on. And I told them that I think Jupiter is in retrograde so we spent about ten minutes yelling about how Jupiter was ruining everything. It was very very funny. But the day was fine.

We worked on art and drew with charcoal again. We're finishing those up. And it was nice to be able to work with the kids on what is essentially a harder project. Making annoying choices to fit a set of rules. But they did a good job. We listen to music and everyone had charcoal all over them and it was just fun.

The day ended quickly enough. Some middle-schoolers wouldn't stop pointing out how short I was. But it was fine. Still a nice day. Honestly anything was better than yesterday. I was just so sad yesterday. Everything just felt very heavy and hard. Today was much better.

The bus was coming as soon as I got around the corner. And I ran the last block but the bus driver was stopping for me anyway. I got back to my neighborhood around 6. Went and drop some stuff off at my apartment. And went to meet James at the pizza place.

I have literally eating out once or twice a day every day for the last 5 days. And I hate that. It's not ideal and I hate that right after I said I wasn't going to eat fast food for a few months then all of that happened. I mean I haven't paid for all of it. But still. James bought us a pizza. And we made a plan for the night. We will go back to my place and do some organizing and packing. He would take one suitcase or so back with him. It's hard to decide what I should pack up now because I still have to live here for a few months but I feel good to get something out of here. He would also go home and finish my taxes tonight so that was kind of a load off. I don't have to think about it anymore.

We are going to smione closet. Went through the trunks. But all of the stuffed animals except for my sloth on my lion away in one trunk. Which makes me kind of sad because I can't see them but it's okay. I think when we move all the Furbies will also fit in there. And we brought down all of my tiny suitcases and cleared them out. We organized all of the sheets that I have and then I went and took a bath. James went through small suitcase in the living room and when I was done in my bath I felt very very weak. Which was annoying because I felt really good right after the bath. It was just once I got upstairs I like ran out of all energy. Had to sit still for a few minutes. It was a little concerning.

But I shook it off and James and me went through all of the stuff in those three boxes. He took the two suitcases into the closet to go with the other empties and I put all the little bits and Bobs I had cleared out in two piles. One that was get rid of in trash and one that was keep. So I organized to keep one and James went through the other. It was decided that all the stuff that was get rid of would go to the school for the kids. It's like pieces of paper and posters and notepads and little tiny toys that I don't want anymore. I'm thinking I could add them to like the store or something. Next year maybe I'll have my own art store but for now Miss Tiffany will have to do.

James went home around 9. I finished testing all of the extra charging cables I have. Found the ones that worked and got rid of the ones that didn't. I changed and did yoga. And now I'm laying down. Because my breathing is hard. I'm just kind of watching videos of soon I will go to sleep.

Tomorrow morning I'm hoping to do some more organizing. I want to go through all my blankets and pillows and see what I can put in vacuum bags now. Ideally I want all of my blankets to fit in the one trunk that I have as a coffee table. Unclear if that will work. I have a lot of blankets. I hope everything is good with you. I just feel really tired and beat up. Send me some positive vibes. Good night everyone

#ootd #work #art #in progress #boy #food #wednesday

[leggigoesabroad]

we’re only here on borrowed time

Sitting on a lovely, smooth, high-speed train from Nuremberg, Germany to Paris.  Yesterday was a day from hell which I'll lightly get into but not dwell on, but for now, I'm so happy.  I'd be remiss to not mention why!!  Part of the reason I decided to book the train instead of flying from Prague to Paris was for many uninterrupted hours to listen to this new book my doctor recommended for me, called "Stress Less, Accomplish More" but Emily Fletcher.  It obviously sounds like a typical self-help book, but I have a crush on my doctor and she really sold it for me.  (BTW she's no older than like, 32, is married with two kids, super pretty, and totally gets me.  She's very female-centric and one time said 'I'll never let you leave here without a prescription for more birth control, we will never let the system be the reason you're struggling with something' after asking if I had enough for the foreseeable future.  Joke's on her, I'm single AF, but it really spoke to me.)  She said it's a book about meditation and although I've tried meditating before, I am a little bit of a natural skeptic as to allllllllll of its listed benefits.  She said this super simple technique helps you sleep better, greatly reduces anxiety/depression, get sick less often, be more effective at work, eliminate jet lag, on and on.  She said she honestly can't say enough about it and it completely changed her life.  I took this as a way to be more like her and immediately bought it.  Also because I wanted her to like me.  Incidentally, she texted me a few days ago inviting me to a new women's group she's developing for people in my demographic who are going through the same things.  Because like of COURSE she did!! She also tells me to call her Casey instead of by "Doctor" and man I should stop now this is getting weird.

Anyway, this book is by an ex-Broadway performer who noticed she was going grey at age 28 (cough cough I am too) and was sick of all the medications she used to treat these symptoms and wanted to get more at the root.  She talks about how simple this meditation method is - 15 minutes twice a day - and how it is literally the best thing she's ever done for herself in her life.  After her course, she asks people how much money it would take to stop meditating.  They all say something between "500 million dollars" and "no amount of money in the world, because what would be the point without everything else meditation gives me?"  I booked the train so I could set aside several hours to listen to the book, especially on this trip, because we all know from the Thailand blog era that being far away in new countries is often what helps me make decisions in life and really self-reflect.  Yes, I hear how extra that sounds, but I'm fine with it.  I'm only on Chapter 5 and I keep intermittently crying!!  We haven't even gotten to the part where she tells me HOW to meditate!  Just her background on why it works and the entire theory behind it.  The author talks about one case in which a guy with advanced Parkinson's started her sessions and after literally the first one, his tremors disappeared during the entire 15 minutes and for 5 minutes after.  She said when they both opened their eyes he asked if she had noticed, and she said she did, and started crying because it was arguably the most profound moment of her career.  I'm crying typing this.  Ugh.  She doesn't claim that meditation will cure chronic illnesses of course, but rather that it's the best thing one can possibly do to supplement medical instruction and for some ailments, it can indeed end up replacing them.  She said after she started the practice, she didn't get sick again (cold, flu, anything) for EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS!!  Because when the body can use sleep at night to fully rest and not just as a band-aid for stress relief, your immune system can work at its intended level and not allow any of these small things to come into play.  You'd think I'd be getting paid for this post, but alas, I'm only 5 chapters in and get ready for me to be even more insufferable than usual when I get home.

Onward.  Last I left off I was in a cafe with Lizzy in Prague.  We stayed for a few hours and actually got a lot of work done!  Turns out my freelance deadlines don't disappear when I go to Europe, hmm.  We then walked to an area called Petrin, which from afar just looks like a tree-covered hill.  It's actually an uphill path in an expansive park that ultimately overlooks the entire city of Prague.  The more we went up, I kept thinking "we must be at the top by now" and then new buildings and castles and paths and orchards would appear.  It felt like a hidden fairyland with twists and turns and new beautiful sights along the way.  I posted a pic on the gram, but at one point we came to a clearing and there was a picture-perfect snapshot of the entire city through the trees.  With the red roofs and striking architecture I again almost felt like crying.  Also saw a bunch of couples making out in the orchards with no shame all, so that was something.  Good on 'em, ay.  We stopped for a glass of wine at the top (duh) and ended up chatting about work/management styles/feelings about jobs/etc.  Something great about Lizzy is that it turns out for everything I'm interested in, she's in grad school for.  I felt like she was the manifestation of all things fascinating to me.  Kinda like when you meet someone really smart who is able to vocalize all the things you feel about things, but better.  Like Hilary, but not my sister.  Like Jay Wong, but not my boss!  We talked about Kitty and her job search and then got into the concept of finding a job by figuring out what you love and what comes naturally to you, and then seeing how you can get paid for it.  She loved hearing about Kitty and SpotX and the proposal she had to do about team-building and customer engagement, and we chatted all about different marketable skills.  I remember crying to Hil many years ago (Hil if you read this, do you remember??) about how I *thought* I was smart but I hated studying/learning/school and my grades reflected that, and how I've squandered all my potential, I'm actually really dumb, etc.  BTW in retrospect I now see a lot of that as my undiagnosed ADHD and I wish I had understood it earlier to get ahead of it, but it's okay.  Hil at the time told me that she may have great grades and a good job, etc., but that she can't walk into a room and command attention or just become friends with everyone, and that skills come in all shapes and sizes and one isn't better than another.  I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL AGAIN.  Remember when my blogs used to be carefree and funny?  Me either.

After that, Lizzy and I walked all through the grounds of the Prague Castle and wound our way down the hill to the Charles Bridge, and stopped for another drink.  Then we got into a whole discussion about relationships and sexuality.  Later, when we were hanging out with her husband, Rob, I found myself saying over and over: "It's like what Lizzy and I were talking about earlier..." and he was like "how did you guys somehow talk about EVERYTHING today?!"  Females, man.  Eventually she went back to her place to shower and I checked into my Airbnb across the street.  Got SO EXHAUSTED and almost fell dead asleep while waiting for her before dinner, but rallied, and so glad I did.  We took the tram up the hill to a nice restaurant for dinner, then went to an Irish pub to watch the Liverpool/Barcelona game.  No one there remembered the epic call from 2010 World Cup that Ned and I quote all the time, but hey, we do and that's what counts. ("AND YOU COULD NOT WRITE... A STORY LIKE THIS.")  We got there at halftime and were ordering drinks at the bar when a guy sitting at the bar was a real dick and says to me and Lizzy, "just so you know, when the game's on again, you've gotta move.  I sat here on purpose for a good view, so make sure you move." Then turned to his partner and we could clearly hear him saying things like, "Fuckin' ridiculous they're standing right there during the game... I'm not going to let that happen... no fuckin' way" Um, a) it's half time. b) it's a bar and we're at the bar ordering drinks. c) WE KNOW. d) fuck off.  He kept talking about us after we moved and she and I briefly thought about starting shit but you know, foreign country and all that.  Luckily he was cheering for Liverpool and they got stomped in the second half to lose the game and we rejoiced. :)

Went to a weird, dark "Books" bar after that and we were almost the only people there.  There were condoms in the bathroom and I took one as a joke to show Rob and Lizzy, but now it's still in my bag and freaks me out every time I reach for my Chapstick.  We went back to their house afterwards and I kid you not, just watched Harry Styles videos.  Turns out they both love him, especially Rob, which is so rich to me.  He was like "this guy is just like coolness personified and he's so talented and he's weirdly attractive in kind of a feminine way but also masculine and he has such a nice voice and swagger...." you'd think I planted Rob to say this to me, but no.  We watched the entirety of his Carpool Karaoke as I told them all of my favorite parts ("I was back middle." "Why am I always Julia Roberts??" "I cry in like, a cool way.")  It's like when someone says to me, "you know, I'd love to know more about the meanings behind Taylor Swift's songs but I never learned, what are all of the albums about?" And I look around expecting that I'm being Punk'd.  Parted ways with them and thanked them for everything and told them I was very grateful for our summer camp relationship.  You know, the kind that is intensely strong, and very brief.  I may never see them again and yet we spent 15 hours straight together on Wednesday and I had one of the best days ever.  See you in another life, brotha.

A series of hiccups led to a very stressful morning on Thursday that I won't fully get into because my poor family already lived through it with me via WhatsApp... but it started with extreme random nausea, (the kind you have a serious internal talk with yourself about: "no.  you are okay.  take deep, slow breaths.  do not throw up here.  you are completely fine, this will pass.  breathe.  you're not sick.  this is just random.  you cannot throw up here.") and then I got on what was supposed to be a train from Prague to Nuremberg with a stop in Schwandorf, but there was a service interruption on the first leg and everyone knew but me.  Probably because everyone speaks Czech and I, ya know, do not.  BTW so far Czech is the least intuitive language I've ever come across.  I could read an entire book in it and wouldn't be able to give you even the slightest context, like you can with French/Spanish/German.  I know, romance languages and all that, but man I really underestimated how important it is to know some of the language when you're traveling through remote towns.  I notice everyone in Plzen has gotten off the train and I think "well that's weird, but maybe they're all local commuters."  A lady comes by and yells at me to get off, I say, "English?" She says, "NO.  Bus." and shoos me off.  In the panic I forget my suitcase from where I stored it - thank the heavens above, it was still there when I realized 15 minutes later and fought my way back on a closed train.  I have such PTSD today and can't fathom what would have happened if the train had left.  Imagine my suitcase just taking off on a train to the Czech countryside by itself.  Zero percent chance I get that back.  Work computer, my treasured leather jacket from Kathy that I swear I'd save in a fire, all of my toiletries and pills and prescriptions...ugh I can't even think about it.

No one spoke English except for a kind man at the info desk who spoke very little, and gave me directions ("directions" is a loose term here, I did a lot of critical thinking and problem solving to vaguely understand what I was supposed to be doing next) to take a bus in an hour that would take me to Stod, where I could then catch my train to Schwandorf and hopefully ultimately Nuremberg.  After a series of mishaps and incredible uncertainty, eventually all of that happened.  I walked into the hotel in Nuremberg and almost kissed the floor.  I had big plans to wake up early and explore, but alas, I'm embarrassed to admit that all I did in Nuremberg was buy some wine/chocolate/gummy bears and stay in all night and sleep late this morning.  Bodies need rest, y'all.  My audiobook author would tell me that my body is in recovery mode after releasing an unnatural amount of adrenaline and cortisol.  NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTED!

I'll be staying with rig friend Angie and her family in Paris, and seeing rig Aaron there too.  He messaged me yesterday and said, "so do you want to see museums and such? Or I can show you my favorite brasseries?" I said, "I've been to Paris, I'd just like to day drink honestly."  Luckily he is on board, shawoooooooo.  Oddly there's no WiFi on this train like they said there would be, but it's not that bad because it's so smooth and comfortable and I still have my audiobook.  Will post this blog sometime later when the WiFi shows up.  Cross your fingers that I get the romantic countryside train ride I pined for.  And happy weekend!!!

[kateahontas]

The Other Party

Kenichi takes his job as Party Master of my school very seriously as of recently, and, in keeping up with his amazing performance of inviting and then receiving attendance from quite a lot of teachers from my school at JET Program Final Mission, he planned another party entirely by himself.

I was told about this party awhile ago and that it would be only teachers from my school. Later, I was informed it would take place in the school cafeteria on a day in my last week, which made attendance quite a bit easier, as it was free for guests and was paid for out of the school’s budget. At my school, we have maybe one or two “parties” in the cafeteria per-year. One is when the new teachers come and the new school year starts in April, and the other is when the leavnig teachers are farewelled at the end of the school year in March.

Typically, these parties involve us all standing to sing the school song, the Principal makes a speech and mum-Sensei does a cheers. Beer is available but everyone opts for oolong-cha because getting wrecked at school is not a thing to be done. We then have some time to eat food provided by the cafeteria and mingle a little bit. At the farewell parties, the teachers that are leaving give pretty set speeches of “what a great time, thanks everyone. I will have a good time at my new school”. In any case, they are very Japanese. I assumed my party would be just like this, since I really had no reason to believe otherwise.

My party took place yesterday, on Monday the 23rd of July. On Saturday night, Matt and I were out with a teacher from his school and her husband because we are all best pals. We were due to meet Kenichi and Lico the next day for karaoke. I looked at my phone at one point, and had a missed call from Kenichi. I instantly thought he wanted to cancel karaoke, even though that is really un-Japanese and I know he has personal problems with people who cancel so soon before something. 

I called him back a bit later and he said he actually wanted to meet a few hours earlier the next day to talk about his plan. On the phone, I was treated to a quick outline of his party plan. A few days earlier Matt had joked that I should dye my hair purple just for the day of the farewell party, since I am leaving here anyway and no longer have a job. I had actually mentioned this to Kenichi on Friday, and I am 100% sure it was the influence for his plan. He really set the scene for me. “First, you are going to walk into the cafeteria and Today by the Smashing Pumpkins will be playing. You will wave and be greeted like a Goddess. You will be seated on a throne at the front of the room”. 

He said that we would go the next day before karaoke and purchase a purple wig. For the beginning of the party, Kenichi said he wanted to show pictures of me with my crazy hair before I came to Japan, and then later on would get me to change into the wig (out of sight) so that people could be photographed with me in my natural habitat. He said he wanted me to send him photos of things Matt and I have done in Japan, kind of keeping theme with the stories that Kenichi shared at JET Program Final Mission. He said he would make some kind of presentation, I would make my speech and people would eat food and oolong-cha (we had a budget cut for this party, so there was no beer). Finally, I walk out of the cafeteria as Don’t Look Back in Anger play, since it’s our song. At this time, I look over my shoulder and wave at everyone. END SCENE.

On Sunday, the day of karaoke, Matt and I meet Kenichi a few hours earlier and go to our favourite pie restaurant together to discuss the party (that Matt didn’t attend). Kenichi ran us through the planned time schedule and said that he wanted to record our rendition of Don’t Look Back in Anger from later that day’s karaoke session, and that would be used when I exited the cafeteria. 

The wig we got ended up being a purple-bob wig and it was a little difficult to get my hair to cooperate with it, but I think I got there after a few tries at home on Sunday night, and then a bit at school on Monday.

The party was due to start at 3:30pm on Monday (yesterday). So, in usual fashion, Kenichi was crazily preparing, up until the very end. He ended up making a slideshow about me titled “What is Kate?” He asked for a lot of specific photos from me to make his dream come alive. This included photos from both mine and Matt’s wedding parties and photos of us with Softbank’s mascot, Otosan. 

There were a few technical issues with the setting up in the cafeteria, and I was in there at about 3:15 still trying to help. The party started a little bit late (a lot of teachers meet with students during this period, so they are often super busy). I was escorted into the cafeteria by my pal Miki while Today was playing and I waved and bowed at everyone and was shown to my seat. Kenichi was in charge of the whole party. 

Luckily (I am using “luckily” because it is very fitting), the Principal and one Deputy couldn’t make it because they were both busy. This meant that mum-Sensei (the second Deputy), scary man from the office (who is not so scary now) and another bloke from the office were the only “official people” present. Firstly, the cheers that we decided on doing, which played on a personal joke between Kenichi and I, was openly dismissed by mum-Sensei because there was no “thank you” to me mentioned in it. I am totally above that shit, and saw no problem. There was a brief interval where the food was brought out (way too much) and we were told we could chill until the presentation started. I went and sat with some English teachers, since I felt a bit weird being on a chair at the front of the room.

During Kenichi’s amazing slideshow, I often looked over at the “official people” table, and they didn’t have the best facial expressions. Kenichi showed pictures of me with pals and of me wearing funny hats. Also, there was a large series of photos of me with my head inside various cut-outs on various trips. In the entrance of my school, there are cardboard cut-outs of both a male and female student, so you can place your head in the circle and get a real feel for school life. Kenichi had taken a photo of me posing as a female student in the cut-out earlier yesterday, and that became his finale of that series. He also took a photo of me with my phone, my bankcard and my hanko, all of which were things he helped me to get when we first moved here that were almost impossible to achieve. 

We had the short interval where I ran behind a pillar out of sight and put the wig on. Then Kenichi announced me and said that I would be available to be photographed in such a manner. I think, overall, the official peoples’ table didn’t have the best reaction, but they posed for a polaroid of me with the wig on, so at least that happened. 

After some polaroid taking and eating time, I made my speech in Japanese. It was a bit rough since I didn’t practice so much, but we got there in the end. Then, I was presented with a gift. The teacher who had been taking the polaroids during the party (Yuki) presented me with a photo album full of polaroids of the teachers that I spent three years working with. They all wrote messages on their polaroids. Also, there was room left in the album to put the polaroids taken during the party. I think I may have broken some sort of record here for the amount of times “polaroid” is used in a never-viewed by anyone blog post.

I had to stall with an extra English speech while Kenichi tried to set-up for the finale. After a few technical glitches, I walked to the other end of the cafeteria while our karaoke recording/video of Don’t Look Back in Anger played, and I waved at everyone. I had taken the album with me, so when I was around the corner, I made the mistake of looking at some of it, and started crying, Then, suddenly, everyone was yelled “Kate, come back!” and I appeared out of hiding. The “official people” said thank you and left, and then the remainder of us ate some more food and hung around in the cafeteria and talked about how there was some definite disapproval from the “official people” but they never stopped the party! A lot of teachers who couldn’t make it to the first part came during this time and we took heaps of polaroids. I have one of Kenichi in the purple wig which has become a life treasure. 

There was WAY too much food provided, as usual, so a bunch of students were called in to eat it. Some of them were forced into a polaroid with me and we had a good time chatting.

Kenichi orchestrating such a party was a huge step in really sticking it to the man, which my school needs a massive dose of. I hope what he did makes the atmosphere here even slightly less robotic. The party was incredible and I didn’t expect anything remotely like it in my life. Kenichi has, once again, gone and taken a huge shit on everything I ever knew about friendships so late in my adult life.

#bosspost #JETprogram #japan #livingabroad #worklife #bestfriend #farwewellparty

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

[matthillica]

Pandemic - Day 10

Luckily, we dodged a bullet on Wednesday and didn’t wind up going to the ER. I think the threat of an ER visit during a pandemic put the fear of god in my wife and mother in law. They strictly monitored her fluid intake the rest of the day, which made a huge difference in how she felt. I’m sure the extra dose of cortisol the doctor recommended is helping too. Her energy levels have been right back at normal levels the last two days. That fact alone has done a lot to lift my spirits.

We try to continue our daily routines as much as possible. Work continues for both of us and, luckily, I think we’re in industries and businesses that might just be able to support us through the duration of this thing if it doesn’t go on too long. If all this is over and we can resume our normal lives by July or August, I’ll be surprised... sadly, I think very few of us are prepared for how long this will actually go on in the US. 

Working from home has been a challenge, especially with a 2 year old, but we’re trying to get all our work done while remaining flexible. People seem to understand... lots of little voices interrupting conference calls these days. Work stress has been oddly increased as we struggle to keep up with the additional strain Covid-19 has put on the business. There’s also a sense that we’re just lucky to have jobs, so we better make the most of it and be very visible to upper management. We try to maintain some normalcy and keep pushing projects through as much as possible. It all feels a bit like polishing the brass on the Titanic. As I’m having a call about where we should move buttons on a landing page, I’m also trying to convince my wife via text to not let her parents go to the grocery store; that we should do it for them. The abstract has become reality and vice versa. It feels so unimportant and futile to be talking about web page changes during the apocalypse. 

To say pandemic is a completely weird and surreal experience is total understatement, but there ya go. Life has been ripped right from the pages of a Stephen King book. I know we’re all going through the same thing at the same time, too. Everyone on Earth is experiencing this, but we have to be isolated as we do it. During these catastrophic events, our instinct is to gather in groups to kind of group process them. After 9/11, I spent so much time in bars with friends or random strangers just trying to understand what’s happening, drowning sorrows. Stories are shared about what we’re hearing, maybe someone had a friend or family member with direct experience... it’s catharsis. And it’s something we don’t have right now. Sure we’re all connected on the internet or Facebook (for now), but that face-to-face group therapy option isn’t here for us. Each of us are processing this on our own, through our own filters, and with whomever we’ve decided to hunker down with for the next week to six months.

Our family has put ourselves on as much of a lockdown as possible. I’ve stockpiled enough groceries to keep the three of us and Laura’s folks fed for at least a few weeks if not an entire month or longer. For about two weeks now, Laura and her parents have quietly (sometimes not so quietly) wondered if I was going overboard. To be honest, I wondered that myself. I’m not worried that the stores will run out of food or supplies, even though I still think that’s a very real possibility. I’m more concerned with the threat of infection. We absolutely cannot afford for this virus to come into our house... the fewer trips we take to the store as a family, the lower our chances of bringing it home will be. That’s what I’m hanging my hat on, at least.  

Yesterday when Laura went to her parents house with Caroline, I sent her with a cooler that had frozen chicken, frozen ham, some canned goods and a few boxes of dried goods. Her dad is 80 and if I can at all avoid it, I want to keep him out of grocery stores. He does all the cooking at their house. They are accustomed to not keeping much in their pantry or fridge and he usually takes daily trips to the store for whatever they’re going to eat for dinner. This virus they were shrugging off just a few days ago has suddenly come into focus for them. Laura said her Dad said to her yesterday, “You know... I’m starting to think I’m one of the at risk people they’re talking about.” Uh... that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys, man! The media hype gets less “liberal spin” to them by the minute now. I think seeing that cooler roll into their house yesterday and coming to grips with what it implied made everyone a little sad and afraid for what lies ahead. 

But you really can’t spend too much time wallowing on that train of thought, am I right? I keep having to remind myself that these stories are unfolding in so many households right now... my neighbors and friend are all going through shades of the same thing I am. Hell, the entire world is. It is crazy and I hope it gives Americans some empathy for one another as we try to pull through this. 

I’ve been taking walks outside as much as possible. I try to go once a day if I can. Before this all hit, I’d been dieting pretty hardcore. I’m doing my best to keep up with it and taking walks has kept a thread of my world’s normalcy intact. Still, walks are not entirely unchanged either. Passing people on the sidewalks, I try to hold my breath for fear of walking through a cloud of exhaled breath... I mean, how ridiculous is that sentence? Can anyone imagine having read that 3 weeks ago? I see the other people doing the same mental math as me as we approach and get ready to cross paths. Yesterday, a couple walking their dogs left the sidewalk completely and were just walking down the center of the street on the double yellow line as we passed one another. “Good morning,” he said. We locked eyes and nodded, then passed, dogs straining at the ends of their leashes trying to say hello to me. You can see the fear in people’s faces. You can see that they really want to talk about all this, but you know... what is there to say? Besides, a conversation would put us all at risk... and in some ways, we’ve just said everything there is to be said. “Morning. Stay safe.” is all I could muster in reply.

It’s enough to make you cry contemplating those moments, and I have. Several times. Certain things just hit me sometimes and let all the fear, sadness, stress, and uncertainty rush in, completely overwhelming me. I made a mistake at work yesterday and was being chastised for it over chat by several people and finally was just like... “Guys... I’m sorry, but I’m still new here and it’s been a super shitty week.” and then I broke down. I think they understand. Silver lining is that working from home is great if you need to have a mini breakdown.

I also cried watching Jimmy Fallon do his monologue from his house on Tuesday night. There wasn’t anything particularly sad about the monologue itself. It was funny, in fact. But again, reality just comes crashing in when you’re watching one of the most famous people on earth attempt to keep his late night show running from an iPhone video with no audience and his kids running around all over the place. You suddenly realize how fragile everything is. It comes rushing in all at once... you see that this is what it’s come to, that this is us struggling to stay alive and healthy, that this is America doing its best to put on a brave face in a time when no one can tell us how long this is going to last or what shape our country will be in when it’s all over. It’s all just so terrifying. I’m anticipating many moments like this over the coming months.

Today is Saturday. This means I’ll be watching Frozen for the 4,745th time. I really don’t care, though. My daughter is happy and healthy and threw a tantrum this morning because she wanted water out of her animal cup, not the orange one I’d already gotten ready for her. it’s comforting to know that certain things continue even with the world falling apart. 

#pandemic