#also sorry for the complete lack of posts!! i've been meaning to get back to creating stuff but then desktop just died

[auldcine]

MAUREEN O'HARA as Mary Kate Danaher in THE QUIET MAN (1952)

#filmedit #classicfilmedit #oldhollywoodedit #filmgifs #moviegifs #userdeforest #ritahayworrth #classicfilmblr #classicfilmsource #classicfilmcentral #cinemaspast #cinemaspam #userfilm #the quiet man #maureen o'hara #1952 #john ford #happy heavenly birthday angel!! i love u sm!! <3 #also sorry for the complete lack of posts!! i've been meaning to get back to creating stuff but then desktop just died #and i'm still in the process of setting up my new one but soon! i shall create something lol #just glad i had these in the drafts tbh though i kinda dislike the way they turned out but lol oh well #anyway yes hopefully will be back at it soon!! #hope you're all doing well! <3

[firelxdykatara]

I too ship Zutara and think they should have been canon. Although for me it's important to know how such a rewrite would go down. I tried to think, and I'm lost.

After Mai betrayed Azula for him, will he just go "sorry, not interested"? He isn't obligated to date her because of this, but her redemption hinges on Zuko and I don't see it being satisfying if he ends up rejecting her after this.

I thought the solution would be to rewrite her arc in boiling rock to make her have a moral realization, but then the problem with Maiko is practically solved. Their relationship wasn't salvaged by her redemption because last time they talked, Mai still didn't understand what's wrong with the Fire Nation and only changed because she loved Zuko. So how do you make it both satisfying & logical?

With Kataang the problem is the Chakras. The problem with the original (in my opinion) is that after he opened his chakra, letting go of his attachment to Katara, he's still attached (forcing a kiss on eip). Should TCoD get rewritten so that Azula shoots him before he opens it? Then why wouldn't he just open it later? Maybe the chakra would be locked so he feels as though he doesn't need to overcome his attachment just yet. In that situation, how would his chakra even unlock? The stone thing felt like nonsense, so how would I do it?

So yeah I have no idea how to approach this. How would you? (Thanks)

I've been rotating this ask in the back of my head like a rotisserie chicken for a few days--it's interesting because I don't generally stop to think like, how would I write them out of these relationships, I either ignore the relationships completely (which isn't hard, they were barely footnotes in the cartoon) or play a little bit with jealous exes or something. Thinking about like, In A Perfect World where Bryke wasn't in charge of ATLA post-canon (because if zutara had been canon, you can be sure they would've made us regret it) is interesting, and I do have thoughts on how I'd handle their relationships in a rewrite.

(this got long, so the rest is beneath the cut)

Assuming you mostly want to keep canon intact, I think maiko would be the easiest to work around, given how little relevance their relationship has in canon. The problem with maiko as an endgame ship is that it was not set up that way--if it had been, it would not have begun entirely off-screen and their whole relationship would not have been a study in misery and utter inability to connect emotionally. His relationship with Mai was there to showcase just how much he had changed and how little he fit into the life he had been so sure he wanted more than anything since his banishment. It worked very well to highlight Zuko's growth--how that contrasted to Mai's lack of it and why she could not understand him even at his most open and vulnerable--and did not work nearly so well when she was shoved back with him in the epilogue, after he'd quite literally forgotten her existence (he never mentions her again after Boiling Rock, not even to say a word of mourning, considering he'd have every reason to believe she was killed for defying his sister).

I don't think you can fix this by giving Mai some moral realization, because there simply is no room for it. As @araeph says in the essay I linked:

As a character, Mai is very useful to the story during Zuko’s return, because she represents everything that Zuko gains by sticking by his father. A girl who cares about him; the ability to indulge her; the authority he has over others at the palace; we see it all in his interactions with Mai. But this makes Mai a tether to a life he has long outgrown. Her function is not to advance Zuko’s character development, but to obstruct it, which also unfortunately means that Mai gaining a full understanding of Zuko’s trials would be disadvantageous to the story. If she knew everything about him and still wanted him to stay, it would give Zuko more cause than he should have to remain in the Fire Nation, but if she knew and encouraged him to leave and join the Avatar, it would rob Zuko of the triumph of making this decision on his own. In other words, there are good narrative reasons for keeping Mai in the dark; it just doesn’t make their relationship any stronger.

The seeds of a genuine redemption arc (one that includes some sort of moral realization and change to her moral framework) for Mai would have to have been planted far earlier than five episodes from the end of the series, but doing so would have of necessity detracted from Zuko's own character arc and the realizations that he makes despite his attachment to Mai (or more specifically to their relationship, which I feel like he was clinging to more out of a sense of abject loneliness he couldn't shake rather than genuine feelings and emotional connection).

So, in my mind, since we're tackling this with an eye towards getting rid of maiko with the fewest ripples to the overall story anyway, the easiest way to do this would be make one slight change to the end of the Boiling Rock two-parter--have Ty Lee (who had always been the least gung-ho of the trio about bowing to Azula's whims and had to be textually threatened into joining her in the first place) save Zuko's life, and then have Mai (who showed the most genuine affection for Ty Lee anyway) save Ty Lee. I love Zuko more than I fear you always fell flat for me as some epic declaration of love, anyway, since a) Zuko is not around to hear it, and b) unlike Ty Lee, she never showed much fear of Azula to begin with, so it wasn't a very high bar to clear. It was a cool line that was entirely unearned, and I don't think it would be missed, there would be some cute mailee crumbs this way, and a throwaway line of getting them released from the prison after the war ended could wrap up their presence in the story pretty nicely.

Now, kataang is a little trickier, if only because the last leg of Aang's character arc is almost completely derailed by his refusal to let go of his possessive attachment to Katara, to the point where he never naturally reopens his chakras, he has to have the Rock of Destiny hit him in just the right place, and the deus ex lionturtle there to give him a way out of having to make a hard moral choice. (I've maintained for years that if you work the final act of your main character's overall arc in such a way that it could have been solved by one good session with a chiropractor, something got fucked along the way.)

The thing about Aang's chakras is that, narratively, his whole thing with Guru Pathik and leaving his training early to save his friends was basically his version of Luke running away from his training with Yoda on Degobah because of his Force vision, only to find out that his friends were in the process of rescuing themselves and then losing his hand because he hadn't completed the most crucial part of his training. What's missing, therefore, from the last act of Aang's character arc, is the return.

See, in Star Wars, Luke pretty explicitly makes the wrong choice when he chooses to prioritize saving his friends over attaining enlightenment and fully mastering the Force. It was the only choice he could have made, but it was still the wrong one--because, like Aang, his friends did not actually need him to save them, he actually almost makes it harder for them to get away by requiring them to save him because, like Aang, he loses a battle in a very critical way. This was a lesson he desperately needed to learn, and it is clear he has learned it by the time he makes it back to Degobah and witnesses the end of Yoda's life, his own enlightenment having already been reached.

But Aang never goes back to the Guru.

And the text refuses to allow us to sit with the fact that he made the wrong choice in prioritizing his attachment to Katara over his ability to master the Avatar State. He is actually narratively vindicated about it, because the plot bends itself into a pretzel so that he doesn't have to spend any time during the last book trying to reopen his chakras and regain access to the Avatar State, handed both in the final battle with no excess effort on his part, and handed the girl into the bargain. (The girl who never even wanted him, so far as we can tell from all the lack of cues she gave him that she actually returned his feelings.)

And I think this could have been solved with a few scattered scenes. Let Katara actually have some agency in her own romantic relationship (or lack thereof), insofar as noticing Aang's advances and clueing the audience in to how she actually feels. Let Aang struggle with the fact that he can't reach the Avatar State, that his mastery of the elements is in limbo because he can't access his full power, rather than ignoring all of this until the end of the show. If we're trying to keep the shape of the last season roughly the same, let Katara confront Aang about the invasion kiss.

This would have been the perfect time to establish that Katara actually does feel some type of way about Aang prior to the epilogue, and it could have saved us from the exceedingly cringey EIP kiss that Aang never apologized for. How it comes across now, of course, is that Katara basically pretends it never even happened, to the point where she doesn't even know what Aang is talking about during EIP until he reminds her--the death knell for any shot their relationship had at looking requited, because I can tell you, as someone who's been a teenage girl, if someone I had conflicted but burgeoning romantic feelings for had kissed me, I would not have completely forgotten about it only a few weeks later--and we never get any indication as to what she actually felt about the kiss (which was not mutual, despite what Aang's dialogue in the EIP scene implies) except for the fact that she looked away and frowned afterwards. (A change mandated by Bryke, who wanted to leave her feelings completely ambiguous; the original storyboards had her smiling to herself.)

So, with an eye towards wrapping up Aang's puppy love crush and establishing Katara's distinct lack of romantic feelings for him, have her talk to him about the kiss. A good frame of reference for this would be Meng's conversation with Aang in "The Fortuneteller", where she finally realizes that he doesn't like her in the same way she likes him. Katara and Aang's conversation about the invasion kiss could be a callback to this, with Aang having some important realizations--that just because Katara doesn't share his feelings doesn't mean she loves him any less, and just because he can't have her the way he wanted doesn't mean he has to love her any less, that she doesn't belong to him but that's ok, because she's still his family and they'll always have each other's backs. Which could have functioned well in helping him take another step towards unblocking his chakras. Going back to the Guru directly may not have worked, since by this point in the story we're hurtling towards the final confrontation and Sozin's Comet, but let Aang reflect on what the Guru told him with new understanding granted him by his experiences throughout the first half of the season.

To keep the stakes high and up the suspense, obviously, he shouldn't have fully unlocked his chakras and the AS before the final fight, but the seeds could be planted--little moments like a talk with Katara about the invasion kiss, maybe a little more empathy and understanding from him about why Katara needs closure in TSR, etc--and then, during the final fight, rather than hand him all the answers on a silver platter, have him almost lose. He still can't go full Avatar, he's out of time, he still doesn't know exactly what to do about Ozai given his own pacifism and desire to preserve that part of his culture--he tries to fight but he's pretty quickly overpowered. Idk how I would've animated this, and maybe it wouldn't have looked as cool for the final fight, but the true climax of the finale was the Zuko and Azula agni kai anyway, so it hardly matters--I'm picturing him doing the rock-shield thing and going into a brief meditative state, where he finally achieves the enlightenment necessary to unlock the AS on his own, no rock of chiropracty necessary. And at this point, I'd give Ozai a Disney Death, since leaving him alive causes more problems than it solves and it's not necessary for Aang to kill him for him to die--they're fighting on a mountain ffs--but if you don't want to change that part then him figuring out energy bending as part of becoming a fully realized Avatar would at least feel more earned than the lionturtle just handing it to him. (And that could've been foreshadowed better by seeding the idea for it earlier in the season.)

After all of that, particularly if you up the emotions during the agni kai and have Zuko and Katara kiss there (or something less explicitly romantic but still tender, like a brief forehead touch), it'd feel pretty natural to have a just friends ending for Aang and Katara. Maybe a brief, slightly awkward but ultimately amiable conversation if Zuko and Katara had a ~thing at their final fight, and then the final shot of the series could be the gaang all together, maybe zutara holding hands or Katara resting her head on his shoulder or something, but since they already kissed there wouldn't feel like a need to end the whole show on romance, something which I've always felt missed the point of the series.

And then, y'know, after that, the world's your oyster! This is how I'd do it if I were trying to keep the bulk of the final season intact. Of course, breaking it all down to its component pieces and rebuilding from the ground up is also an option, but that'd probably be a longer post lol.

#zutara #atla #m.aiko salt #k.ataang salt #atla canon rewrite #hey albert kim if you're taking notes on how to do season 3 of the LA................ #Anonymous #asked

[kaladinkholins]

Probably you have spoken about it earlier (sorry if so), but how do you think that Taigen will know Mizu's gender in the series? And how would you like it to happen? I would like it to be intentional, but regarding the amount of wounds Mizu constantly have, who knows...

Hello! :D And no I don't think I've ever written about it publicly on this blog, and to be honest I've never thought much about it.

To preface, I've not always been the type to properly sit down and theorise about future narrative decisions. When it comes to these things, I'm very "big picture" oriented, where I'd usually be fine with anything happening in the story as long as it touches on certain themes, remains in character, and adds something meaningful to our protagonists' arcs.

For example the only reason I came up with the Mizu's mom theory was because knowing exactly who Mizu's mother is (whether she is white, or royalty, or anything else), could, depending on the different posible outcomes, drastically alter Mizu's sense of identity and how she perceives herself, as well as morph the core themes and message of the overall story.

On the other hand, when it comes to the particulars of the inevitable gender reveal, I'm not picky at all, and I'm open to all the possibilities of how it would play out. This is because the outcome to all of it remains the same (in which Taigen finds out Mizu's gender), with only the process to get there differing, and in that regard, the question is then mostly on personal preference on tropes and avoiding cliches, and speculating future plot beats that would allow the gender reveal to happen in the first place.

Like you said, it could happen by way of Taigen trying to stitch Mizu up while she's unconscious or at least half-conscious, which would thus likely involve a big battle happening prior. A similar instance that comes to mind is Mizu's face off with Chiaki and the Four Fangs; iirc it's the only time Mizu is unconscious and vulnerable in front of Taigen. I'm not counting the time after they both fell out from Shindo and Fowler's fortress, because in that case, they'd both been completely KO'd. So anyway yeah, to get back on track, post-Four Fangs battle, if Ringo was not a factor, Taigen would've likely been the one to bring Mizu to safety and patch her up. From the framing of the scene, and Taigen's expression upon noticing Mizu look so vulnerable (because at this point he'd still believed Mizu to be nigh invincible, as we see from his daydream of him battling a giant Onryo in Episode 2), it's almost like the show was teasing us with the possibility of a gender reveal right there and then. But then of course, Ringo comes in and puts a stop to that happening (and thank God for that, because neither Taigen nor Mizu, on a narrative level, are ready for such a reveal yet).

Other than a Taigen-patching-Mizu-up scenario though, and outside of Mizu confessing to the truth herself, another possibility is that Taigen deduces the truth on his own. And this an idea that Ioana (@saessenach) and I were discussing, assuming a scenario where Taigen did not follow Mizu on the boat to London, but remains in Japan to do his own thing. In this scenario, all four of our protagonists are separated throughout Season 2 to have their own arcs: Mizu in London, Akemi in Edo, Ringo in Eiji's forge, and Taigen? Well, absolutely zero hints were given on where Taigen's going to go after S1, so everything's up in the air. The reason for this could be just some network/authorial reason whereby the writers are leaving it open because they themselves aren't sure what to do with Taigen.

Or, if they'd pre-planned everything early on, the complete lack of Taigen's presence at the end of the finale could itself be an indicator of where Taigen, and his arc, are going. What I mean is, Taigen in Season 2 might be a Wanderer, also known as a Ronin. Remember, he was disgraced and cast aside by his Lord, has lost his station and place in his Dojo, and him witnessing the "humiliating" death of the Shogun could be reason for Lady Itoh to want Taigen gone. He has nowhere to go. Plus, with him beginning on a journey of unlearning his prejudice and confronting his wrongdoings so he can properly change for the better (with the scene of him in Kohama in Ep7 being only his first steps), it's possible that his arc next season will be something along the lines of Zuko's from Zuko Alone in A:TLA. If you haven't watched A:TLA, what I'm referring to basically involves going from village to village, seeing that the status quo and society is cruel and unjust, trying to help people but having it kinda blow up in your face because of the fucked up status quo, and also facing the past you've been running from your whole life (through the form of flashbacks and introspection).

Thus, should a Taigen Alone arc really happen, it's possible that Taigen also gets wrapped up in some plot involving the black market dealers in these towns he visits, which would help tie in to the main story happening with Mizu and Akemi, because the white men (on Mizu's end) and the corrupt officials in the palace (on Akemi's end) both have ties to such black market dealers that Taigen may encounter. So it's possible that while investigating these people and tracking them down, Taigen gets wind of some rumours about the huge bounty on a half-breed blue-eyed girl. And, well, you can guess where it goes from there. Taigen deduces the truth, and when he reunites with Mizu later on, there'd be all this tension because now he knows. And this would be a very interesting outcome because this scenario wouldn't lend itself to a huge heat-of-the-moment argument that everyone's expecting, whereby Taigen finds out the truth while Mizu's right in front of him. Instead, in this case, Taigen finds out on his own, gets time to stew in the revelation, and likely drive himself mad in the process, and BOY THAT'D BE JUICY AS ALL HELL!

So basically, yeah, between the two scenarios I just presented, I'd favour the latter more, but I wouldn't mind the former either, or anything else the writers might throw our way.

However, I do still kind of hope Mizu could be the one to reveal the truth to Taigen herself, as I feel she should be allowed the choice in the matter, rather than having Taigen find out against her will. Plus, being the one to tell him herself would be such a huge step for her, signifying how she's opening up to people again, and would also be a big sign of some pre-established trust in their relationship.

BUT like I said, I'm not all too picky, and I also live for the drama, so, in conclusion: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also I just realised just how much I typed up, and I'm so sorry that I can never be concise with my words, but I hope it's still somewhat legible. 😭 Thank you so much for this question by the way! I love rambling about this show, and I'm grateful for any chance to ramble about it even more <3 <3

#letters.doc #mbiterna #blue eye samurai #blue eye samurai theory #taigen blue eye samurai #mizu blue eye samurai #for real though thank you i love getting asks that pick my brain about this show (or about anything in general tbh) #let this be a sign for anyone to come into my ask box and pick my brain #meta dissertations.pdf #kind of? #fandom.rtf

[kanonavi]

2023 XVX Fic Recs!

Hi, all, I hope you're having a lovely holiday season! Around the beginning of this year, just for fun, I decided that I would record all of the fanfics that I read this year, and during the summer I had the idea to take some of the best fics I read in 2023 and compile them at the end of the year into a rec list. Since xiaoven was the ship I read the most fics for, I've decided to just do a rec list for them this year, but maybe in the future I'll branch out more!

As with any rec list, please take note of the ratings and the tags for any given fic! Just because something suited my taste doesn't necessarily mean it will suit yours, please take care of yourselves. Now, here are 10* fics that I read this year and think that other xiaoven fans should read too! (Also uh. Sorry for how much I'm about to talk in the reviews lol)

*Keep an eye out for a few bonuses that I've peppered in ;)

~

We Creatures of Fate, by Wackachu

[Ongoing, Teen, 57.9k, 7/?]

Xiao is a weapon forged from red, carved from the hearts of weeping souls and etched into the memories of grieving mothers. While free under the care of a new God, he finds salvation, yet feels as trapped as the day the chains first clamped down onto his wrists. Venti is a God, one born from the wishes of others as opposed to his own. After losing his loved ones, he can't help but feel lost, high on a throne all alone, built upon all things he despised. The two find each other by chance, yet the rest can only be described as fate. ---------- A telling of Xiao and Venti's story with a hefty load of lore

If there is any fic on this list that should be read, it’s this one. I am an absolute sucker for speculative lore when it comes to Genshin, and the picture that the author has assembled of Archon War-era Liyue is absolutely masterful. Within the threads of that beautiful tapestry, they’ve also been interweaving Xiao and Venti’s developing relationship all the way from when they were a newly-freed Adeptus and young Archon respectively. They have a long journey ahead of them (the burn is slow, folks), and I think that said journey is an absolute must-read.

~

Extra Recs: Wackachu has also written two other xiaoven one-shots, which I highly recommend for more bite-size pieces of their excellent taste!

~

the holy light of your single lantern, by boxofcrows (@miralia)

[Complete, Teen, 34k, 6/6]

“Long divided by river and sea, For years we two have failed to meet – And suddenly to find you seems like a dream.” Thousands of years of silence, broken by a single visit.

This fic wrapped up recently, so it’s a great time to go and show it some love! One of my biggest sorrows is that xiaoven is rather lacking in really good canon universe fics compared to other Genshin ships, but this fic managed to fill that hole in my heart. The author does a fantastic job of capturing the way that Xiao and Venti’s conflicting natures and ideals can cause friction between them, all while maintaining the undeniable magnetism that they feel towards each other.

~

Relax In My Arms, by alphaparrot (@aparrotandaqrow)

[Queerplatonic XiaoVen, General Audiences, 5.9k, One-Shot]

As Lantern Rite arrives, Xiao is found exhausted and spent by Qiqi of Bubu Pharmacy, who brings him back to Liyue. Upon awaking, Xiao quickly makes his exit and returns to Wangshu Inn, where Venti is waiting for him on the balcony. Xiao isn't in the mood to party, but maybe a chill hang-out would help him relax. Venti knows just the thing to help Xiao relax and recuperate, and as they both get comfortable, they begin to reflect....

Author's Original Promo Post!

Queerplatonic xiaoven was a flavor of their relationship that I hadn’t tried before this fic, but it really sold me on it. What I’ve always loved about xiaoven so much is the inherent intimacy that can be achieved between them once all of the emotional barriers between them have been stripped away, and I think that those ideas are explored very beautifully here. Xiao and Venti trust and love each other so deeply here, and it shows in every word and touch that they exchange, and I think that it’s a must-read for anyone whose brain chemistry was altered by the ‘Endless Suffering’ trailer (so basically, every xiaoven fan ever lol)

~

i can not save us (but you can), by anemowisp (@sillygirl19)

[Teen, 19.4k, One-Shot]

two boys figure out what the hell they're doing

In the midst of one of the most turbulent times in my life, one particular line in this fic really hit me where it hurt, and it’s one of the few times that I’ve actually cried reading a fic. In my xiaoven-enjoying friend groups, we sometimes call Xiao and Venti old men with teenager problems, which means they don't always work when turned into actual teenagers/young adults with those problems, but I think this fic pulls it off really well.

~

what queer sins stain thy soul, by Anonymous (@sincerelyandyourstruly)

[Mature, 3.2k, One-Shot]

In which Xiao, long-established asexual, learns that identity is not as stable as he’d like to believe.

As an ace person myself, I feel it’s so rare to find a really good asexual character study where the asexuality is actually one of the central focuses of the intimacy taking place (if anyone has any recs of that variety please hit me up!), but I think that this fic pulled that off really well. It also delves into that particular vibe of when one’s identity might be shifting, which can be a really scary thing, but Xiao in this fic is lucky enough to have someone he loves and trusts to support him as he explores his new desires, which was really comforting to read about.

~

Where Words Fail, by kavvueh (@kavvueh)

[Complete, Teen, 34k, 12/12]

Author's Original Promo Post!

"You're Barbatos," Xiao repeats breathlessly. The young man in front of him nods. "Yep." "But..." Xiao cuts himself off and tries again. "You're the God of songs and poetry." The Anemo Archon nods his head sagely. "More or less." Xiao fixes Lord Barbatos with the most incredulous look he can manage. "... You're failing Music Theory."

As someone who was also suffering through music theory alongside Venti as this fic was publishing, all of the attention to detail in the musical aspects of this fic absolutely tickled me. But all of that was merely a foundation for a lovely story about a pair of souls finding their partner in a new life. The musical connection that xiaoven have is one of the essential tenets of the ship, and this fic did a beautiful job of using that idea to its fullest potential.

~

Extra Rec: kavvueh has recently started publishing a new xiaoven fic with a similar setting, so if you enjoy these kinds of fluffy modern aus, give that one some love as well!

~

The Stars in Teyvat are a Lie, and So Is the Sky, by yueyunn

[Complete, Teen, 148.2k, 13/13]

There were several issues that Xiao immediately took with Ningguang’s proposition for him to produce for Barbatos: his other artists had upcoming comebacks and year-end stages that required his attention, he was overworked enough as it were already, and Ningguang was not exactly someone he was looking to do any favors for. While her persistence to overlook all this was one matter, nothing aggravated him more than Ningguang completely ignoring the obstinate fact that he. doesn’t. work. with. idols.

Perhaps I was a bit like Xiao in this fic at the beginning of this year, because I approached the two idol/celebrity aus on my to-read list with open skepticism, and then ended up absolutely adoring them both. What I loved about this fic the most was how much care was put into actually translating the character’s canon backstories into the modern idol au setting. The author clearly has so much love for the characters, and it really shows through in the way that everyone has their chance to shine, even the side characters. This fic also updated recently with 15k words of extras, so it’s a great time to visit or revisit it!

~

Extra Rec: gold rush, by underthethousandstars was the other idol/celebrity au I read this year and really enjoyed, so if those aus are up your alley, I highly recommend it!

~

low-key (no pressure!), by windrise (Twitter - @/wyndrise)

[Ongoing, Teen, 75.7k, 11/?]

Following his friend’s questionable suggestion, Venti partners with Xiao—the resident grouch of his early morning stats class—for his music project.

If you want to sit down with a fic that will give you the warm fuzzies, this is definitely the one to pick. As alluded to previously, I don’t really go for modern aus as much, but this fic absolutely blew my expectations out of the water. I was getting the ‘squee’s as I read about Xiao and Venti growing closer over the course of working on Venti’s project, as the author has an excellent grasp of the deep inner kindness that the two of them hold, and how that kindness would naturally draw them together.

~

bouquet of lies, by underthethousandstars (Twitter - @/zhongliorder)

[Complete, Mature, 85.9k, 12/12]

In a world where humans can use elemental magic, Xiao uses his to move through the shadows becoming Liyue’s phantom killer. Known to the public as Alatus, he is their most notorious assassin. One day Xiao secures his biggest job yet: kill the Crown Prince of Mondstadt, Venti. Harbouring no love towards any royal family Xiao pulls off his mission with success. Or so he thought.

This fic falls solidly on the darker end of xiaoven stories (the ‘Dark Fantasy’ tag is there for a reason!), so if you happen to like your ships with an enemies to lovers flare, this is definitely one to check out. This is one of those stories that really managed to pull me into the world of assassins and political intrigue that the author has crafted, and on top of that it puts a fun spin on exploring Xiao and Venti’s individual guilt and the way that it affects them as people. The first fic in the series is finished, but the second installment is currently in progress, so I highly recommend checking that one out as well!

~

every morning in the dark, by magicites (Twitter - @/bribird_wings)

[Complete, Mature, 77.1k, 34/34]

Stuck in a time loop where he succumbs to his karmic debt, Xiao struggles to see the point in moving forward. Venti struggles to save him.

While by far the heaviest of any of the fics I’ve recommended so far (mind the warnings and the tags!!), if you can stomach the subject matter, this is one of those fics that I would refer to as XiaoVen Essential Reading. The author has a pitch-perfect grasp of what makes xiaoven, qualities which are pushed to their limits as the two of them struggle to break free of the loop that they’re trapped in. I took severe emotional damage while reading it, but my only regret was that I hadn’t read it sooner. It’s definitely A Lot, but it’s so, so worth it for anyone who really enjoys this pairing.

~

And with that, we reach the end of the list! If you've made it this far, thank you so much, and I hope I've given you some fics to add to your to-read list for the coming year! I tried to incorporate some newer fics with some classics, so hopefully there's something here you haven't heard from before.

With that said, I'll hopefully be back next year with some more xiaoven or other Genshin fic recs! <3

#genshin impact #xiaoven #venti #xiao #venti genshin impact #xiao genshin impact #fic recs #fic rec list #hey listen! #Maybe I should make my own rec tag so I stop losing fics I reblog but uhhhh tired :) #I technically cheated with bouquet of lies because I only read the sequel this year #But I feel like it made more sense to rec the first fic in the series instead of the second #Also if anyone I tagged in this doesn't want to be please just let me know and I'll remove you #I don't want to offend anyone's privacy

[ineffablecolors]

hey just wondering why you think Roy reuniting w Keeley post s3 would’ve been bad for him? I sort of agree but also don’t want to bash keeley in anyway so I haven’t talked about it

Heya! Thanks for the ask and sorry you feel like you can't discuss something though I do understand why. I'll preface this by repeating something I've said before - canon did such a horrible job of holding Keeley accountable for anything and wrote her as if she could do no wrong and fandom seems to have picked that up and totally ran with it.

I do love that when reading RoyJamie fanfic, I never see Keeley bashing, as you call it, because vilifying female chatacters is such common practice in fandoms. But Ted Lasso fandom seems to swing to the other extreme where I've never even read a fic where Keeley apologises for something? And you can't even quite blame the fans, they just picked what canon put down - Keeley can do no wrong.

So, first of all, I think simply judging Keeley's actions is not bashing at all, it's just treating her the way every character BUT her is treated in both fandom and show. I think Keeley, like almost every other character, has made plenty of bad decisions and mistakes and, personally, how I react to them is a mix of how well I can relate to her and something else. Jack, for example, was a very professionally questionable decision but I completely sympathise with Keeley for it because 1) she faced consequences for her mistake even if it's never acknowledged that she made one and 2) I can relate to it! Hiring Shandy on the other hand was such a monumentally stupid decision that I could never relate to, so it just makes me annoyed with Keeley and the fact that the show treated it as her just being too sweet and wanting to give another horribly unqualified woman a chance rather than as a point towards her lack of professional skills.

Anyway!! The something else is important for my answer. As much as I love discussing my favourite shows and try to be objective, I very rarely am. Once I pick a favourite character, my opinion of almost every other character is informed by how they treat my favouriteTM. Is that fair? No. Do I do it without fail? Yes. Do I feel bad for it? Umm, no, that's my baby, nobody is allowed to be mean to them xD

And this is how we get to the Roy Kent of it all (finally! christ, this is gonna be long, sorry but also thanks!). Roy's my favourite, my baby, my grumpy, old, emotionally constipated and physically aching romantic. Roy can and has done wrong, I'd never claim otherwise. But I'd still claim he's the best chatacter and one of the best people on the show. And he's always gonna put himself last on his list of priorities.

Which is why I fully admit that I judge Keeley extra harshly when it comes to her and Roy. For brief context - I totally shipped Roy and Keeley and think they were good for each other, for the most part, in s1, I was ecstatic they were together in s2 and still shipped them like hell on my first watch (which was binged with s1!) and less and less on every consequent rewatch, part of me still wanted them to be together and then to get back together in s3 until I actually watched it all and completely changed my mind.

Shall I finally answer your question? I don't think Roy should reunite with Keeley because he gives too much of himself and she gives too little. I don't believe they are well balanced and I dont believe he'd feel loved with her again.

That WAS brief! But if you'd like more detail...

I think as sweet and good-hearted as she's portraited, Keeley is inherently a selfish person. Now, we circle back to bashing and judging. I'm doing neither. I'm myself a selfish person in many ways, that's not the worst thing to be in some regards. But I think Keeley is especially selfish in her romantic relationships and that simply does not suit someone like Roy. When paired with a selfish partner, Roy would just give and give and blame himself for not getting as much back.

I'm not saying there haven't been some great moments between Roy and Keeley, full of affection and care from Keeley, such as the scene at the end of s1. That's probably my favourite moment of theirs. But there have been some pretty shit ones too that for me outweigh the good and, more importantly, came once they settle into the relationship.

As early as their first kiss, Keeley got so annoyed and impatient, she immediately slept with Jamie. I know the show took it as an opportunity to have a kinda feminist moment but can you picture that turned around? Roy and Keeley kiss after tons of flirting and build up, and the day after Roy sleeps with a girl Keeley has a proper (however childish) feud with just cuz she told him she was busy that night. That would've never been fine. Again, I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm saying it's the response of a person who only cares about what they want and doesn't plan for the future.

Then, we have the infamous "Roy is a fridge magnet" episode which I still can't wrap my mind around so gimme a sec here. Your boyfriend is too into you, is perfect (by Keeley's own words) but not giving you the space you haven't asked for. So, instead of talking to him - don't even get me started on people writing Keeley as a character who's good as communicating - girl, where?? - you talk about it to his boss, a bunch of his coworkers and your ex who has an antagonistic relationship with him, and eventually as you're spending time together and he's trying to share one of his interests with you, you start screaming bloody murder at him about how clingy he is. Do I have that all correct? All of this would have been forgivable ofc, miscommunication happens, people aren't perfect, etc, etc, expect... forgiveness was asked by the wrong person. What on earth did Roy have to apologise for? This is the #1 example for me of that show trying so hard to make Keeley a perfect sunshine girl boss that they made 0 narrative or even logical sense. Honestly I hate that whole episode with a fiery passion.

Then we have the funeral shenanigans, which I won't even get into because I think Roy was 100% hilarious in that and Keeley was 100% overreacting (and yes, that's a heavy term to use towards a woman but here's the thing... she was). I guess this would be a good place to talk about their ILYs as well. Roy's ILYs always come with an acknowledgement of Keeley's feelings and his own fault for hurting them in anyway. Keeley's first ILY though has absolutely nothing to do with Roy. She's happy about her own success and he's celebrating her. That's it. That's the first time we see her say I love you. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Roy's aren't better but I think that just proves why he couldn't be happy with Keeley. Every time he's said ILY, it's been tinged with sadness and guilt and self-incrimination. Why would I want him to be with someone who constantly inspires those feelings in him?

This is now definitely too long so I'll try to wrap up with s3 very quickly and mainly the fact that the episode Keeley is drinking alone in the pub is one of the only ones where Keeley faces consequence for her actions (in this case, sleeping with her boss - again, not something I blame or begrudge her for but also something she should've probably considered can get her funding pulled when it ends, see: never thinking about the future (and why I don't see Keeley being successful without people like Barbara or Rebecca but thats a different topic)). Keeley responds to being made to face the music by using Roy to make herself feel better. I'm sorry but there's no other interpretation of their hook up for me. He's just read her a very heartfelt apology, ending with another guilt ridden ILY and then he was leaving. Except she chased him down, not to say it back ofc, but to use him for sex.

Thanks, I hate it.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that I think Roy was right to break up with Keeley. Not because she's not a great catch and not because there was anything wrong with her being successful or needing time for herself but because they're not right for each other. Roy is too selfless and ready to blame himself for everything and Keeley is too focused on herself and ready to take advantage of that.

Roy is the kind of romantic that would tell his cabbie to date his wife and compose a playlist for the girlfriend who treated him horribly yesterday. He's the kind of guy that's had to bottle up all his emotions forever and never talks about himself with people and has had his fucking watch stolen by his fucking hook ups. He deserves someone *cough*Jamie*cough* who is absolutely obsessed with him! Who will appreciate the things he does for them and the time he spends with them rather than take them for granted at best and be annoyed at worst. Who will make him feel like he's been struck by lightning! He deserve someone who cares about his feeling and frankly, in season 3 at least, I don't think that's Keeley or should be again.

#roy kent #ted lasso #anti-roykeeley #and i guess #anti keeley jones #just to be safe though it isnt really #gods and this is not even half of my issues with them

[voidscarredadjudicator]

Hey guys. Sorry for being quiet for a month. Hopping on here to let y'all know that I do still have a pulse. Things have been... fine? I guess? Here's a bit of a wordy update on my situation right now, but the tl;dr is, I'm good, HE is still on hiatus, but I'll get back into the groove soon hopefully. Also happy holidays!

The mysterious and vague 'personal life stuff' is still ongoing, and I really don't know how long it'll be something that I have to deal with. I'm continuing to not elaborate because it is very much a personal life thing, but I can assure you that nobody's dying or anything grim like that.

On an only somewhat related note, my expendable income has shrank dramatically in the past few months, so I've been having to get a lot more stingy with what I spend money on. I'm not poverty stricken; I can still afford rent and bills and groceries and whatnot, I just gotta cut corners where I can so I can actually build up my savings.

What does this mean for Humanity's Endling? Well, it's... still on hiatus, technically. But really it just means I'm picking up more shifts than I'd usually care to, which means less time to actually work on it. If work were being done on it to begin with. I'm also cutting out my NSO subscription, which unfortunately means I will not be playing Splatoon 3 much at all anymore. Granted, I was kinda taking a break from it already, so it's not like I've been getting my money's worth of the subscription anyways. So if you were curious about my absence during this most recent Big Run, or the lack of a lengthy season observation/headcanon post like last time, that is why.

All of that said, it's not like I haven't been writing at all - just been hard focusing what creative juices I'm still able to generate given my situation on the accursed TTRPG I've mentioned in prior rambles, as that's an actively running thing that I kinda need to constantly pump stuff out for.

Speaking of which, I pulled a Super Mario Galaxy and wrote a whole ass children's book for the players to find as a lore thing. It was written with the intention of just being a normal children's book in a bubble, but when viewed with the context of the entire campaign thus far, takes on a completely different meaning. Which is to say, you don't need to know a damn thing about the campaign to appreciate the story - a theory I tested by having two people who aren't players read it.

One almost cried. The other actually cried. And when the players found it in our most recent session, one of them also cried, and we had to take a breather after the fact.

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I feel like that's one hell of an achievement. So I am pretty proud of myself for that. If you guys are interested, I might clean it up a bit and post it either on Ao3 as an original work or just straight onto this tumblr. It's only about 2k words, so it should fit nicely in a single post.

That's all I can really think of to say at the moment. Again, even though I might seem a bit quiet, I am still here. I take a peek at tumblr at least once a day to see if anyone's sent any asks or anything like that, so don't be afraid to toss something into my inbox if you have a question.

Oh, and for the anon who sent an ask suggesting me to upload what I have of Act II done already - I don't exactly plan my stories in a linear fashion, nor do I write them as such either. It's closer to me thinking of the major moments I wanna do, plotting out how to connect them, refining, refining, refining, rearranging, refining, scrap half of what I have done, rearranging, suddenly having an epiphany, scrapping another chunk... yeah, it's a bit chaotic. I see what you're trying to say though, and I do appreciate the suggestion, but it can't really be done with the way I go about writing.

That's it from me. Happy Holidays. Play Cyberpunk 2077. It's a good game, I swear. Or Undertale Yellow if you own a toaster. It's me, I own a toaster. I played Cyberpunk on my brother's computer. Thanks, bro. Love you.

#The Adjudicator has spoken. #guess who isn't dead? that's right it's me! #also play armored core 6 #also alan wake 2 #haven't played either of those games but i want to #alan is so cool. he's a writer struggling with writer's block that loves his wife. man is just like me fr

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

Wondering if the reason people make the thieves out as uncaring after 11/20 is because the game itself moves on too quickly from it? Not saying I haven't kind of fallen into that take myself, though not like harshly, just felt they didn't act like they cared *enough* as in it should have been shown more. Because of the way the game's social sim works, you don't get the thieves checking in on/visiting Akira whilst he recovered like you might see in a fic and it can just go straight back into the confidant ranks of helping people with their problems, with no special dialogue or anything to ask how he's doing beforehand; so I feel like that contributes to the takes a lot, especially when one hasn't replayed in a while (sorry your post gave me thoughts on how people get to that take in the fandom, like I think the plan sucked for other reasons such as "Surely someone would notice the lack of a body?" but that's a bit besides the point)

Yeah I think you're absolutely right about that. The structure of the game doesn't let the Thieves care about Akira afterwards. There's also a bit of dialogue during the plan explanation when Akira says "I'm just glad I didn't die" and no one responds to it, which is...kind of baffling. But that doesn't mean the Thieves don't care about him, it means the writers at Atlus made a weird choice. And we know that because we see in that same scene that all of them were very worried for their leader's safety, and like I mentioned before, Makoto herself says she's glad he made it out safe.

The structure of the game kind of fucks over Akira and makes the Thieves look like worse friends in general, too. He helps them throughout the confidants, and then they "stop hanging out" after that, once they all say they want to start helping him out like he helped them. So we don't ever get to see their friendships become reciprocal. But like, that doesn't mean they actually stopped hanging out in-universe. It's a limitation of the play style.

That all said, I do think there is a valid interpretation you can come to which is that the Thieves don't know Akira was traumatized, or the extent of the danger, because he never talks about it. He's overly selfless and doesn't ever talk about his issues, so I could totally see that happening, and it's my personal interpretation. But that doesn't mean the Thieves are terrible friends for failing to read between the lines like that. It's on Akira for refusing to communicate.

And you can even say that they should have been more concerned for him afterwards, and that they put him on too high of a pedestal and think of him as utterly infallible, especially after he escapes with his life. They're kids, and Akira did just survive the impossible.

Or maybe they try not to bring it up on purpose because they don't want hurt him by talking about it, but letting it fester just hurts Akira more and makes him feel like they don't care.

Point is, there's lots of ways to take this strangeness in the game and make it into interesting fic content to explore. There's absolutely a discrepancy going on and exploring that is super valid and interesting. But turning it into "the Thieves are ambivalent and selfish and completely blind to their leader's suffering" takes that way too far. And like...why do people want to do that? Well, at least in the cases I've seen, the answer is twofold.

First of all, there's a section of the fan base that really hates Makoto. This is mostly common among Akechi fans from what I've seen. I think it's a combination of misogyny and the fact that Makoto can be obnoxious sometimes with her defense of the police, which is especially egregious in this situation. Like, the police beat up her best friend, and she still wants to join them. That can read as callous...if you don't understand her as a character, but I digress. (Someday I should write a Makoto defense post bc yeah. People are very stupid about her.) Point is these people like making up reasons to dislike her even more, which is where I think the whole "the plan was her idea and just an ego trip" thing comes from.

And the other reason is that there are a lot of shuake shippers who really, really want Akechi to be Akira's only "true" friend who "really" understands him. Which like...is true to a certain extent, they do have a special bond and Akechi is the only confidant that doesn't ask Akira to fix something for him, etc etc. But them having a special bond DOES NOT EQUAL all of Akira's other friends being terrible friends who suck and DON'T understand him. There's room for nuance here! You can like the toxic ship between rivals without making it less toxic because actually he's the only one who REALLY respects and loves Akira.

Like, he shot him in the head, guys. Let's not delude ourselves here.

But yeah. I'm pretty sure these two sections of the fanbase are specifically Akechi stans, and so they twist actual parts of the game to make Akechi look better and the Thieves worse. They almost like, take Akechi's perspective to a certain extent? Akechi doesn't like Makoto, and Akechi thinks the Thieves are bad friends (maybe, presumably, we don't really know, but he definitely doesn't really like them all that much and he definitely thinks they idolize Joker too much), and these Akechi stans agree with him. Which is baffling to me. Maybe he has half a point, sure, but Akechi is also REALLY stupid and frequently wrong.

And like, to be clear in case anyone who doesn't know me sees this, I say all this as an Akechi stan (look at my username) and shuake shipper.

In conclusion, I do think there is something to be said about how the confidants are written to be unequal, the Thieves don't check in on Akira enough, and the idolization they very much do have for their leader! These are real things that could make for really interesting conflict in fic. But it can happen without villainizing the Thieves or saying they just straight up don't care about their leader. Which is an obvious lie.

I think most people do agree with me nowadays, I've seen a pattern of recent fic and fandom people talking about how this villainization is stupid and going out of their way to make it clear the Thieves do care, so that's good. It was mostly a thing in early fandom that disliked how Akira was treated by canon (valid), wanted to give him conflict in fic (very valid, I love Akira angst), and wanted to make Akechi the "better friend" (???) who understands Akira better than the others (technically true, but it's complicated).

(As for the body thing, Sae said she made sure no one would check the morgue, so you're not supposed to think about it I guess. Makes me wonder about the people who would have taken his body to the morgue, though. Like, did they not report the missing body to anyone? Idk, maybe Sae paid them off too, lol.)

#sera answers #anon

[holdmeclosertinytaron]

RHW: Chapter Three

Story Page / Playlist / Wattpad / AO3

A/N: I am so unbelievably sorry that this is only just getting to you! I've been on holiday to the coast this week and totally forgot to schedule the chapter before I left. Then when I got there, I had pretty much no signal and no access to any decent internet so when I tried to post it, it failed. However, it does mean you get two chapters this week which is a bonus! Thank you for your patience.

And thank you, as always, to my saving grace during this whole writing process, @brayndilyn. You are amazing and I'm so lucky that you popped into my DMs that day last year. Life is brighter with you in it!

Warnings: Explicit language, narcissistic behaviours, rough relationships with maternal figure.

Word Count: 7.4k

December 23rd, 2021

Last minute work obligations for Taron and planning a book tour while also trying to continue her job for Liliana resulted in them not seeing one another since they’d had dinner and drinks. It wasn’t for lack of trying, either. They had both offered multiple dates that they were free but their schedules never lined up properly which neither of them enjoyed. 

Despite their busy schedules, they had maintained their regular text conversations and it had reached a point that if Liliana hadn’t heard from Taron for as little as a few hours, she noticed she’d started to pout which worried her. The attachment she had for being friends with Taron again was growing stronger and his absence had begun to affect her more than she cared to admit. 

It wasn’t a secret that she had been far happier since getting him back in her life. Though it only heightened how unhappy she had been before. If she was this sad not hearing from him for a few hours, she dreaded to think how she would feel if the happiness she’d only just gotten back was taken away. No doubt she would be worse than before the book launch. The thought alone scared her. 

If Liliana had been completely honest with herself, not something she was regularly, she would have told herself that the feelings she had for Taron were slowly beginning to transform into slightly more romantic feelings of late. It had been Evelyn’s comment about them being a power couple that made her realise. She didn’t hate the comment her best friend had made, and found herself fantasising about a life with Taron on the tube home that evening. 

It wasn’t difficult to imagine the future and what it could look like with Taron. Them being together and doing all the things; the small domestic activities like cooking together or watching TV curled up in one another’s arms, and the grand things like holidays abroad and attending events on one another’s arms. At work she found herself drifting off to think about him until Evelyn came into her office and knocked her back to reality with a thud. 

Liliana’s feelings were unrequited. He couldn’t ever feel that way about her. He was an award winning actor and she was, well she was Liliana. She had a published book and that was as interesting as her life got. How could he ever think that way about her? He never did when they were younger. What would have changed in the years they weren’t in contact with one another? 

As their road trip to Aberystwyth approached, Liliana couldn’t stop thinking about being in such an enclosed space with Taron for so long. Her stomach twisted any time she thought about it. Every night before bed she gave herself a peptalk, telling herself that she had to play it cool and see if she could get a read on Taron to decipher how he felt about her. If he felt anything about her at all. 

It wasn’t the time to be making any grand gestures. They’d only been in contact again for a little over six weeks and she didn’t want to ruin what they had built back up. Especially not so close to Christmas. 

On the morning he was due to pick her up for the drive home, she’d been a ball of nerves since her eyes opened. She anxiously flitted around her flat trying to get everything packed and tidied up before he got there. She cleaned every room twice and had reached the point of moving things from one place to another and then decided that she preferred them where they were before so moved them back. It was a vicious cycle that she couldn’t get herself out of. Until Taron arrived. 

Taron had arrived a little earlier than planned to pick Liliana up, which was absolutely unheard of with London traffic, and Liliana wasn’t quite ready. She’d been in the middle of grabbing her toiletries when he texted to let her know he was there. 

I’m just finishing getting my stuff together. I’ll buzz you in and you can come wait up here if you’d like? Instead of sitting in the car x 

No problem. I’ll be there shortly x

No more than a second had passed between him pressing the buzzer and Liliana letting him in, pulling her front door open so he could walk right in without having to knock. Not that she would have wanted him to knock. All of her friends let themselves into her flat and she wanted Taron to feel comfortable enough to do the same. 

With her suitcase now packed completely, she moved to the living room to get her handbag ready. When it came to roadtrips, no matter how short, she took them seriously. She stood in front of her bookshelf and stared at her many books to decide which one to take with her. Her own book, which was selling out everywhere at a rapid pace, sat front and centre staring at her and she smiled to herself. 

‘I know you said your flat was tiny but this is petite,’ Taron commented as he walked through the front door into the narrow entryway that led to each of the three main rooms. He stepped around the suitcase Liliana had left and into the living room where she was trying to pick a book. ‘You know you’re only going for a week, right? That’s one hell of a suitcase for that short a trip.’ 

His words were light and teasing but Liliana went into panic mode. ‘If it’s too big for the car I can get a smaller one. It’s just got all of the Christmas presents I need to take and I don’t have any spare clothes at mum’s or anything.’ 

‘I was joking,’ he said quickly, putting his hands on her shoulders. ‘It’s fine. There’s plenty of space. Hello, by the way.’ 

‘Hi,’ she smiled, allowing him to pull her in for a hug. He smelled good. Fresh and clean and warm. Her arms tightened around his middle a little before she pulled away. ‘I just need to decide on a book to bring with me, or two because I get through books like I do cups of tea, and make sure everything is switched off and things are tidy and then I’m ready. Sorry I wasn’t ready to go when you got here.’ 

‘Don’t be sorry. I’m early. I was shocked at the lack of traffic, especially considering it’s the day before Christmas Eve.’ 

‘Merry Christmas,’ Liliana said, pulling two books from the shelf and putting them in her bag. ‘I can’t believe it’s already here.’ 

She walked through to the kitchen with Taron hot on her tail. The room was small and barely big enough for them both to stand in there at the same time. Their close proximity heightened their senses and Liliana had to clear her throat to break herself back into reality. 

Taron cleared his own throat and offered to help Liliana check the switches. He himself had spent a good fifteen minutes checking each room of his flat to make sure that everything was in order. Liliana accepted his offer and asked if he could triple check the living room for her. He saluted playfully and headed back to the other room while Liliana took a deep, much needed breath. 

‘I may have gone overboard because I got us some snacks for the road and I didn’t know what you’d prefer so there’s a selection of goodies from chocolate to snack bars to fruit,’ she confessed as she left her bedroom and pulled the curtain closed. ‘Knowing me I will also buy more snacks if we make a stop anywhere on the way there.’ 

Taron chuckled. ‘That sounds amazing. I’ve packed a couple of bits too and I always stop. I thought we could maybe stop for lunch? Even if it’s a drive-thru meal somewhere. You ready to go?’ 

Liliana nodded, reaching forward to grab her suitcase but Taron stopped her, his hand already on the handle pushing it down so that he could carry it easier. ‘I’ve got it, don’t worry. You just make sure that everything is locked up properly.’ 

‘You are a menace,’ she laughed as she followed him out of the flat. ‘But thank you. Make sure you watch me lock up. I will ask multiple times if I actually did lock up. I have already asked Marjorie across the way if she’ll keep an eye on things for me.’ 

Taron watched intently as Liliana locked the door and tried it to make sure that it was actually locked. ‘It’s locked. Come on, let’s get going.’ 

***

‘See that, that is why I refuse to drive in London. I hate how impatient other drivers are. Did you see the way he gestured at you?’ Taron had switched lanes on Wandsworth bridge over the Thames when a car sped in front of him and caused him to slam the brakes on. Taron had simply brushed the incident off but Liliana was baffled. ‘We’ve been on the road for five minutes and I already don’t know how you can drive so casually here. It’s awful.’ 

Taron chuckled softly from next to her, turning his attention to her when they hit a red light and he had to stop. ‘When was the last time you drove?’ 

Liliana thought for a moment. She had driven once in London, right when she first moved, and hated it so much that she hadn’t driven since. But even before that she rarely drove. 

‘Oh god at least eight years,’ she laughed. ‘I never really enjoyed driving anyway. I much prefer being the one in control of the music. Which, by the way, I am excellent at, thank you very much.’ 

As they got in the car, Taron passed the auxiliary cable over, telling Liliana that she may be in charge of the music, just as long as her music taste was better than it was when she was a teenager. She’d laughed him off but quietly deleted three songs from the playlist she’d made the night before just in case.

‘You are going to have to give me some songs to add otherwise it’s going to be a Harry Styles road trip which personally, I wouldn’t be against. But that’s me who’s a fan of his.’ 

‘You know I met him once,’ Taron said casually, keeping his eyes on the road. Though he didn’t fail to notice her face turn towards him suddenly, no doubt with wide eyes. He’d just about seen her drop the phone into her lap. 

‘You met him?’ She asked, blinking rapidly. ‘Harry Styles? What? When? Huh? How do I not know about this already? My two favourite men.’ 

She’d let the last sentence slip on accident but couldn’t take it back. Taron had heard it, and the twitch of his lips made it clear that he definitely had heard it. He laughed lightly and indicated into the junction so he could get on the motorway for the big portion of the drive. 

‘It was a couple of years ago now in LA. It was this big meeting thing with Joni Mitchell. There were a few other people there too. Ellen Degeneres and Portia.’ 

‘Yeah, yeah cool. But you met Harry Styles?’ 

‘I did. We didn’t speak much but we had a good chat. Then there was this group photo that circulated the internet for a few days. He looked so much more put together than I did. I think he had this black cardigan on with a pattern on the front or something. I was there in a white t-shirt and a baseball cap.’ 

Liliana’s eyes widened. ‘I think I know the photo. Was it around this time of year? Joni had Christmas lights around her neck. I’ve seen a cropped photo of Harry and her. But you were there? Holy shit, Taron.’ 

She sits with the information for a little while, unable to process the fact that her best friend knows the man whose music got her through some of the hardest days of her writing process. Just as she thought about it, Sign of the Times started playing. 

‘Do you think you could introduce us?’ She asked, letting her inner fangirl out. ‘That would make my entire life, honestly. Getting to meet Harry? Oh boy.’ 

Taron turned to look at her briefly, his eyes soft and full of adoration. ‘Absolutely not,’ he said, shaking his head before turning back to the road in front. ‘You’ll fall for him and I’ll lose you again.’ 

‘You won't lose me again,’ Liliana laughs solemnly. 

Taron’s words sat heavy on her chest. I’ll lose you again. He’d lost her once before. She’d left him. What was once her strongest friendship with her favourite person on the entire planet had been thrown away so that she could run away to another country for a life where she didn’t have to be around her mum. The giddiness she experienced knowing that Taron knew Harry vanished and she was overcome with a solemn, uneasy feeling. 

‘I’m really, really sorry,’ she whispered. She’d moved back to face forward and had let her hands drop to her lap. ‘For leaving. I’m sorry for leaving.’ 

‘Please don’t,’ he whispered back, sniffling once to rid himself of the tears pooling in his eyes. ‘It’s in the past. The only thing that matters now is that you’re here. I’m here. We’re here.’ 

Wordlessly, he reached over to grab her hand, resting them both together on the centre console. They weren’t holding hands but they were touching, and it was enough for them both to know that they were safe and with one another. 

Taron didn’t need Liliana to apologise for leaving. He didn’t want her to. It may have taken him over a decade but he knew why she had to leave. He read her book. It told him things even he didn’t know growing up. It told him more than he could have ever imagined and his heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces as he read the intricate details of her childhood. The details she hadn’t shared with him before. 

As much as he wanted to bring up what had been revealed to him in the pages, he didn’t want to make Liliana talk about it if she didn’t want to. He couldn’t begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for her to put everything down into words, to come to terms with what happened in her life. It can’t have been easy to publish that and have so many people read it and know about it. 

He was in awe of the strength it must have taken her to bare her soul in such a way to the entire world. Reading the book that she’d so delicately written made Taron see Liliana for the strong, independent, powerful, yet softly adorable woman she was. 

He didn’t bring it up for a little while. He let himself enjoy the comfortable silence, no matter how overrated he thought it was, and let Liliana have a few moments to herself. His hand remained touching hers the entire time and he wanted so badly to run his pinky finger over her to reassure her but he didn’t want to scare her or make her feel uncomfortable. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her since their dinner and he was over the moon to see her again and spend a few uninterrupted hours with her. 

‘Lil,’ he said after a little while, unable to keep it in any longer. She turned to him with red rimmed eyes and when he turned to her momentarily, his heart cracked just a little. ‘It’s none of my business, and we absolutely don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but it’s been on my mind ever since I read your book.’ 

Liliana’s heart stopped. She knew that he would more than likely have read some of the book since she’d seen him last. But she hadn’t expected him to read the entire thing cover to cover with his busy schedule. She’d expressed feelings in the book that she hadn’t ever expressed with him and now he knew. He knew everything she’d been too afraid to tell him. 

Taron was back to facing the road and he took a long, shaky breath. It was just as hard for him to bring up as it would be for Liliana to talk about. ‘I never realised the full extent of how bad you had it when we were younger. You always just threw your hair up and smiled like everything was fine when it really wasn’t. I wish I could have recognised it more at the time.’ 

‘Taron, it’s fine.’ 

‘It’s not fine, Lil,’ he sniffled. ‘It’s not fine. It was never fine.’ 

‘But it’s not your fault. We were kids. You were a kid. It wasn’t your responsibility to help me or see what things were like at home. I didn’t even realise the full extent of it until I was in Edinburgh and away from the situation. It took a lot of reflection, and a lot of crying in a therapist’s office, to realise what things were like. When we were kids, I didn’t know any different. It was just the way that I lived.’ 

A tear fell down Taron’s cheek and Liliana wiped it with the pad of her thumb, a sad smile on her face as she started to cry herself. 

‘Look at us. I’m crying and none of it even happened to me.’ He took a long, deep, shaky breath and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his t-shirt. ‘I regret that we lost touch.’ 

Liliana squeezed his hand once to tell him that she agreed and he smiled a very small smile at her. 

‘We just completely lost touch and didn’t speak for fourteen years. I hate that we didn’t talk.’ His words were quiet, barely above a whisper, almost as if he were talking to himself rather than Liliana. ‘Now that we’ve finally reconnected, I would love nothing more than to stay in touch. I want us to keep our promises this time. I think that’s why I offered to drive you back to Aber. It gives us some uninterrupted time to just be together and talk about anything. Or nothing. I just want to be around you, Lil. I want us to be friends again. Real friends like we were before.’

‘I would love nothing more than to be friends again,’ Liliana smiled. 

‘Things will be different this time around,’ Taron said strongly. ‘I won’t let anything like that happen to you again.’

They fell into another silence and Liliana focused on the road ahead. She thought back to being a child and how different her life really had been from the other kids in her class. Taron’s hand on hers kept her grounded as she remembered. 

While all of her friends were out playing on the street on their bikes or playing with a ball in the local field, Liliana was cleaning or cooking dinner for the family. Even when she was as young as nine. She would go to the shop daily when they had run out of bread or milk or sugar and they needed more. When her friends were being called inside to get in the bath, she was making her mum a cup of tea so that she wouldn’t get into trouble. 

Liliana would do everything in her power to make her mum happy, just so she could feel safe in her own house. If Eliza wasn’t happy, she would brush Liliana off completely. It had started before her dad left but it only got worse when he did. Eliza resented Liliana and took her anger and frustration out on her. Liliana being the kid that she was, would always plaster a smile on her face and act as though nothing was wrong, using the free time she had to go outside with Taron or visit his family when she needed somewhere safe to be. 

She wiped a tear away without Taron seeing and blinked hard to stop herself from falling apart right there in his car. Taron had remained quiet but he knew she was going into a place that would make her sad and he wanted to cheer her up so he racked his brain for things he could distract her with. 

‘Tell me more about Matilda,’ he said, remembering how Liliana had lit up the first time she told him about her. 

‘She’s a little firecracker,’ she laughed, pulling up a photo of her on her phone to show Taron quickly while there was no traffic around. ‘She turned ten in August but if you knew her, you wouldn’t believe she was any younger than 21. She’s so smart. Smarter than I ever was at her age, and she’s got these beautiful brown eyes that just scream innocence. It’s one of the only differences between us; our eye colour. And our height. She’ll be taller than me soon. Her dad is a giant though so it doesn’t surprise me. She’s everything I ever wanted. Tell me more about Rosie and Marie. We were cut off the other week.’ 

‘If Matilda is a firecracker then they are little rascals,’ he chuckled, his head shaking. ‘They are to me what Matilda is to you. They’re my half siblings but I would never call them anything but my sisters. I hate the whole half sibling thing. They are my sisters and it’s as simple as that.’ 

Liliana nodded furiously. ‘Yes! Matilda is my sister. I’d be so mean to be like ‘no she’s just my half sister’. She isn’t half a sibling. She’s a full sibling.’ 

‘Exactly. They are honestly so amazing and I can’t wait to see them. They’re similar ages to Matilda. Maybe one day we could take them all out somewhere and they could get to know another. Continue the legacy of friendship.’ 

‘That’d be cool. Matilda loves meeting and talking to new people. Another difference between the two of us. Thank you for cheering me up. I don’t know how you always manage to do it. Even when you don’t know I need cheering up.’ 

Taron grabbed her hand affectionately. ‘It’s because I know you, Lil.’ 

***

‘Do you want me to come inside with you for a little bit?’ 

‘I’m okay, thank you though,’ Liliana responded with a smile.

She turned to her left and looked at the house she grew up in. It still looked like the same house. The bricks were still red and the path from the steps was worn and full of weeds. Yet somehow it felt different than it had the previous year and she couldn’t quite figure out why. It was the only house on the street without Christmas lights outside but she didn’t think that was it. 

‘If you need anything, just let me know,’ Taron replied with a smile. Liliana returned it and took a deep breath. ‘I’m here for you, Lil.’ 

‘I know you are, thank you, Taron. I’ll text you later?’ 

Taron nodded and watched as Liliana stepped through the gate and up towards the house. He didn’t know what was waiting for her at the other side of the door but he could only hope that it was something good. 

Rather than use her key to get in the house, Liliana knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer it. Much to her surprise, Hudson, her mum’s husband, opened it with a smile, pulling her into an awkward side hug. 

‘It’s nice to see you. Your mum’s just nipped to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I don’t envy her.’ 

‘Neither do I,’ Liliana said through a forced smile. ‘Merry Christmas.’ 

‘Merry Christmas. I’m sure your sister will be down any minute. She’s making some Christmas biscuits and is waiting for them to cool so she can decorate them. Every time someone’s knocked at the door today she’s come to see if it’s you. I think she’s more excited for you to be here than she is Santa. Not that she’ll believe in him for much longer. Especially with her starting high school next year.’ 

‘High schoolers suck,’ Liliana sighed. ‘You go get yourself in the house. It’s absolutely freezing out there and I don’t want to let it all in.’ 

Hudson walked through to the living room just as Liliana heard a door shut upstairs. She watched as her little sister, who wasn’t so little anymore, peered over the bannister and beamed as soon as she saw her. 

‘LILI!’ she squealed as she ran down the stairs, launching herself into Liliana’s arms and knocking her to the floor in a heap of hugs. ‘I’ve missed you.’ 

‘I’ve missed you too, little bug.’ Liliana’s voice broke and she tried her best not to cry. She held Matilda close, swaying her lightly. ‘Come on, your dad was telling me that you’ve been making biscuits and you know I love a good old Matilda biscuit.’ 

Matilda stood up and waited impatiently for Liliana to join her before she dragged her through to the kitchen. The dining table was covered in biscuits and bowls of icing of different colours. Bowls that were used to make the dough were scattered across the work tops and the sink was full of trays and cookie cutters. 

The amount of flour that was on every surface made it look like it had been snowing inside and Liliana was sure there was biscuit dough on the walls in places. 

‘Oh my this is a mess,’ she commented with a beaming grin. ‘How about I help you clean it all up before mum gets back?’ 

Matilda nodded begrudgingly. ‘The biscuits aren’t cooled enough anyway so I guess I can help clean up. Do you think you could help me decorate them? Please? It’s been ages since we last baked together.’ 

Liliana nodded, turning the small kitchen radio up a little so that they could listen to the Christmas songs while they cleaned. All I Want for Christmas is You played into the room and the two girls smiled widely at one another, instantly breaking out into their best dance moves and singing along. 

Matilda started to stack the pots she’d used next to the sink so that they could be cleaned while Liliana carefully wiped the walls that were definitely splattered with biscuit dough and scraped the sides of flour so that she could clean them properly. 

Once the room was clean and tidy, and the biscuits were finally cool enough to decorate, Matilda grabbed two aprons from behind the door and threw one to her big sister. 

‘If you wear this then we won’t get icing all over your nice jumper,’ she said, tying her own apron behind her waist. 

‘When did you get so grown up?’ Liliana mused, holding the sides of Matilda’s head so she could bring it to her lips to plant a sloppy kiss. ‘How do you want to decorate these?’

‘With as much icing as we can!’ Matilda dipped her finger into the green icing and licked it clean, smiling so brightly as she did that she lit some of the darkness in Liliana’s heart. 

‘I should have known. I forget that you’re little miss obsessed with icing. They’re your biscuits so it’s up to you what we do with them.’ 

Matilda thought for a moment, tapping her foot against the chair the same way that Liliana did when she was her age. Liliana smiled at her little sister, so in awe of the person she was becoming. When she was Matilda’s age, her life looked so different. She was glad that it was different for her sister. That she wouldn’t have to go through the things she did. 

‘I’m taking some to Granny and Grandad’s house tomorrow so they need to look super good. Can we do melting snowmen on the circle ones?’ 

Liliana nodded enthusiastically. ‘Of course we can! I might have some spare chocolates in my bag if you want to go get them? We could use it for buttons? Or eyes maybe.’ 

‘Oh yes please!’ 

Matilda jumped down and ran through to the hallway to retrieve Liliana’s handbag, walking back with it on her shoulder and strutting as if she were the grown adult. Liliana laughed at her and took the bag to see what she had left from the car journey. 

She pulled out a bag of M&Ms and some Jelly Tots, the perfect things for snowmen buttons. ‘These are perfect.’ 

‘Jelly Tots, my favourite!’ Liliana poured some of the jelly sweets into Matilda’s hand and watched as she ate them happily. ‘Thank you. Other than the snowmen I want to take to Granny’s tomorrow, I don’t know what to do with the others so let’s just do whatever.’ 

‘Aye aye, captain,’ Liliana saluted. ‘Are you excited to see your Granny and Grandad tomorrow?’ 

Matilda nodded. ‘Yeah. Are you coming with us?’

‘I’m not, sorry sweetheart. I’m going to stay here and either go for a walk or go and see my friend if he isn’t busy.’ 

‘Are you going to be here for dinner tomorrow though?’ 

Liliana shrugged gently. ‘That depends on if mum wants me here, sweet girl. Hopefully I’ll be here.’ 

Her mum walked into the kitchen and scoffed at Liliana. ‘What’s it matter to me if you come for dinner or not? You come and go as you please anyway.’ 

‘Mum, please let’s not do this right now,’ Liliana begged, already feeling tears forming. ‘It’s Christmas.’ 

‘When was the last time you asked if you could come, huh? You just turn up. Like you did today. You turn up and then you leave at the drop of a hat and we don’t see you for months at a time. You aren’t around enough so why should I care if you’re here or not for dinner?’ 

Matilda cowered into her seat and reached over to put her hand on Liliana’s, looking up at her through thick eyelashes. Liliana gave her a small smile and motioned for her to leave the kitchen, for her own benefit. She didn’t need to hear the horrible things her mum was no doubt about to say. 

Liliana watched as her mum flipped the kettle on and grabbed a mug from the cupboard. It was a mug Liliana had made her in school and painted meticulously. She wondered if her mum remembered how happy she had been to receive it. Probably not with how she slammed it onto the work top. 

‘I always come at Christmas. You know that. I would love to come more often but I have to put myself and my happiness first.’ 

Eliza rolled her eyes at her oldest daughter and put her hand on her hip. ‘Do you know how selfish that is, Liliana? You don’t care about Matilda, or me, or put us first. It’s always about you and how you come first. You should have stayed closer to home and not run away to Edinburgh and London. Look at what you moving away has caused. You’re selfish.’ 

‘That’s not true and you know it isn’t,’ Liliana just about managed to get out. Tears had pooled in her eyes and she knew if she stayed then things would only get worse and she didn’t want that. 

She wasn’t going to be the reason that Christmas was ruined for Matilda so she grabbed her bag, walked outside, closed the door behind her and started to walk. 

The last thing she wanted to do was leave Matilda again. She wanted to go back and get her but she knew that it was too soon to be around Eliza again. It wasn’t the first time that she’d left Matilda after a row with her mum, and it wasn’t the first time her mum had called her selfish either. 

September 15th, 2011

‘North Road, please.’ 

Liliana sat back in the taxi and exhaled a long breath. The greying clouds above the car reflected her mood. Dull and ready to burst at any given second. She rested her head against the window as the taxi drove through the streets of Aberystwyth and to the house she’d grown up in. Her small suitcase filled with only the essentials was on the seat next to her and she put her hand on it for no reason. 

Despite the deep rooted feeling of anxiety she had whenever she was home, she was excited to head back and start her new job in London. She started working at a publishing company, Between the Lines, at the end of the week with Evelyn, who she had met at university. The flat she was moving into was small and a good half an hour commute to work but it was her own and she could do with it what she pleased. Moving to London was all she had wanted. 

The taxi pulled up outside the house with the red front door and Liliana thanked him and handed over a five pound note, telling him to keep the forty-pence change. He nodded his gratitude before driving off when the back door was closed, leaving Liliana standing outside the house on her own for the first time since she was a teenager. 

She couldn’t tell if the house was bigger or smaller than it was when she was younger. It seemed taller, as if booming over her and showing her just how vulnerable she was in its presence. But at the same time, it seemed narrower, less scary than it once looked.

As she walked up the short, tiled path to the front door she breathed deeply. A whole other life was at the other side of the door. A whole other family. A family she wasn’t a part of. Not really. Her mum and stepdad were happily married with a new baby and it was the first time that she was seeing her new sister since she’d been born a little over a month earlier. 

Something that she couldn’t quite decipher washed over her as she pushed the door open on its hinges. Her feet were heavy, stuck to the wooden floor and unable to move, but she felt like she was floating. As though she wasn’t really there. Like she was dreaming and nothing was really happening. 

Everything looked the same as she slipped her shoes off and stacked them on one of the steps above her mum’s. There were old family photos on the wall, some of her grandparents and some of Eliza with her siblings. Out of all the photos, there was only one of Liliana. It was a photo from when she was a baby dressed in white with the most unfortunate looking bonnet on her head. She was both happy and devastated that it was covered by coats. 

‘Liliana, is that you?’ Her mum called from the living room. Liliana psyched herself up and forced a smile on her lips. 

‘Yeah, mum. I’m just putting my shoes away and then I’ll come in.’ 

The living room door was slightly ajar and as Liliana pushed it open, she could see her baby sister asleep in the moses basket next to the sofa. Even just the sight of the tiny baby curled up all small and tiny had Liliana fighting back tears. Guilt had built up since the day she was born that she hadn’t seen her and even though she was still so small, Liliana hated that she wasn’t there when she was even tinier. 

‘Can I hold her?’ She asked her mum quietly, scared to wake the tiny baby.

‘Yeah. I’m going to go get in the shower while you’re here. I’ll not be long.’ 

Liliana nodded through a teary smile and dropped her handbag on the sofa so that she could take a proper look at her sister. Her hands were curled into tiny fists next to her head and her lips were pouted slightly, something that Liliana did when she slept. With one hand underneath her neck to support her head and one under her bum, Liliana lifted the baby from the basket and held her close, staring at her. 

At almost twenty-two, she didn’t expect to have a new sibling but as soon as her sister was in her arms, she could feel the emotions manifesting wholly. Tears dropped down her cheeks as she sat on the sofa and just stared at the baby. She enjoyed the dumpy weight of her sister in her arms. 

Liliana held out one of her fingers to stroke the little one’s fingers and they gripped around it tightly, not letting her go.

‘I’m not quite sure how it’s possible but I love you more than I’ve loved anything before,’ she whispered quietly, pressing a dainty kiss to her sister’s forehead. ‘I won’t let anybody hurt you, Matilda, I promise. I’ll always be your protector.’ 

Matilda stirred slightly but Liliana rocked her back to sleep, so in awe of the tiny human in her arms. 

‘Look at you,’ Eliza spoke up from the doorway when she’d had her shower. ‘It’s about time you came to meet her.’ 

‘Mum, you know I’ve been finishing university and trying to get my life together. I haven’t been able to be here all of the time like I wanted to be and I am sorry.’ 

When Eliza told her that the baby had been born, Liliana went to book a train ticket straight away to meet her, even if it was just for the day. She wanted to help her mum and meet her sister and be there for her family the way she had always wanted to, but Eliza had continuously put the visit off for one reason or another. 

Liliana could understand some of the time, like when she was too tired for visitors. But then the excuses that she needed to get used to looking after a baby after not having one for over twenty years, and needing to take time for herself, became more common and Liliana stopped fighting. She stopped trying to tell her mum that she could nap while Liliana looked after Matilda or she could have a bath or shower. Liliana would be there for whatever she needed. Eliza never let her though. 

Eliza scoffed loudly. ‘You’re just selfish, that’s what it is. Spending more time away from us, your home, and swanning about Scotland as if nobody else matters. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Liliana’ 

Liliana tried her best not to bite. Instead she casts her gaze to Matilda who was so sweet and innocent and who she would do anything in her power to change the way she was treated. When she looked back up to her mum she saw just how tired she looked. For a second she felt great sympathy for her. She wasn’t used to not sleeping at night and waking up at all hours to look after a baby. And that’s what it took for her mind to race with thoughts of her mum being unable to look after Matilda. 

She didn’t want the same things she went through to happen to Matilda. She wanted her sister to have the best childhood with loving parents in a loving home that always felt like a safe space and somewhere she could run to when she was feeling down. Liliana didn’t want Matilda to feel like she had to run away to a different country for university just to get away from their mum. 

Eliza’s new husband, Hudson, worked long hours and was only there on an evening and night time when Matilda was a little more settled. He wasn’t there during the day when Matilda would scream for hours at a time with no let up. He wasn’t there when Eliza was rocking her trying to get her to sleep and growing more and more agitated with her and wanting to leave her on her own to cry. 

‘Mum, I know that university has taken me away and I hate that I haven’t been here for the start of Matilda’s life but I’m here now. I’m here to support you however you need it. Even if it’s just to go shower in peace and make yourself feel like you again.’ 

She knew there was a chance that Eliza would blow up but she didn’t think it would happen while she had Matilda in her arms. 

‘Why, are you planning on moving back home? Are you finally going to do what you were destined to do and get a job on the seafront and get one of the crappy flats in town? Which is it? How are you going to be here, Liliana?’

‘I moved to London last week,’ Liliana said calmly, rocking Matilda again. ‘I have a job with the same publishing company that I worked with for placement a couple of years ago. It’s a huge opportunity for me and I’m going to be a shorter train ride away than I was in Edinburgh. So I can be here whenever you need me. I want to be here, for Matilda.’ 

Eliza shook her head. ‘You need to stop butting into our lives here. Leave.’

‘What?’ 

‘You haven’t been here for the past four years so what makes you think you’re going to be here now? You’re never here and I don’t think you ever will be. You just want to say that you’re here. But you won’t be. I want you to leave my house.’ 

‘But mu-’

‘Out, Liliana. I mean it.’ 

Liliana was transported back to being eleven and hearing her mum scream at her dad to get out of the house. Her heart sank and anxiety built from the bottom of her tummy to the top of her head. She stood up carefully and kissed Matilda’s head again before placing her gently in the moses basket. 

‘I love you, little bug. I love you so much.’ 

She cried as she pulled her shoes on and got her suitcase from the small cupboard, and she cried as she left the house and locked the door again. 

***

Despite Autumn’s fast approach, the air was warm and Liliana knew exactly where she needed to go to clear her head. On top of Constitution Hill the sun was warm and she’d taken her jacket off to enjoy the rays against her arms. 

The tree behind her was beginning to transform, its leaves changing from a vibrant green to a reddish brown. Another sign of the changing season. The bark of the trunk was harsh against her back but nowhere near as harsh as her mother’s words had been to her less than an hour before. 

A sob escaped her and tears spilled down her cheeks and pooled on her chest. Her breaths were sharp and uneven, as though hands wrapped around her throat and squeezed her of every ounce of breath, trapping her in a world of darkness. 

Fear was second nature to Liliana. It had been since she was a little girl. But there was something about the fear she felt on top of the hill that was unlike anything she’d experienced before. She sobbed to herself for what felt like hours but as she finally began to calm down and her breathing regulated again, she pulled her phone from her bag and unlocked it. 

Her thumb hovered over his contact. The one person she needed to speak to. The person who would understand what she was going through and who would be able to talk her down from doing anything crazy. 

She put her phone away, unsure as to whether he would have the same number as he did four years ago, or if he would even answer if she tried to call him. So she stared at the sea instead, trying to figure out what she was going to do. 

She booked a train ticket home for that afternoon. It wiped her out of money until she got paid two weeks later but she couldn’t stand being in town any longer. She needed to leave. 

To go home.

#rhw #right here waiting #taron egerton #taron egerton au #taron egerton fluff #taron egerton blurb #taron egerton imagine #taron egerton fic #taron egerton fanfic #taron egerton writing #taron egerton x reader #taron egerton fanfiction #taron egerton x oc #taron egerton drabble #my writing

[sanityshorror]

Another Julius canon info please!!

-🧸

I'm so sorry, this is all over the place and I'm pretty sure I've already posted all the information over the course of the last 15 months (I can't believe I posted Julius 15 months ago..) I included his ref and some illustrations/doodles/stretches to jazz it up. ANYWAY

Julius stands at 6'5 inches in his boots, 6'2 without.

Julius is all about deception. Nothing more than a thin veil of beauty to hide the rot beneath – both metaphorically and literally, as Julius is always rotting inside. This leads him to have to regularly replace his internal organs to prevent the rot from consuming him. He has a special rose that decays at the same rate as his body, which lets him know when it's time to change the insides.

If Julius doesn't keep up with maintaining his body, his false form will eventually completely rot and he'll be left in his true form until he fully rebuilds a new body to be his false form

↑ has never happened, however. Being a perfectionist, Julius always keeps up with self maintenance.

Julius is significantly more messed up than Killian. Deception is a helluva thing. There's a reason he scares the living shit out of Killian.

Killian nearly always calls him 'Jules' (his nickname for him), instead of Julius. (Keep that in mind, it's important for MWTSN)

Julius loves animals, especially cats. He really loves cats. He doesn't own any, to his dismay, because he panics over the idea of cat hair getting everywhere.

Julius is basically a cat in human form. Killian discovered when they were young children, if he dangled a string in front of Julius's face, Julius would watch it swing back and forth silently before eventually pouncing at it with no warning. Julius still does this.

Julius is completely apolitical.

He usually uses straws with his drinks, and has a tendency to deliberately loudly slurp from them.

He's generally just a complete sassy bitch and petty as hell.

He's not actually stupid and clearly is rather intelligent. His lack of knowledge on many logic 101 things is based on either 1) the lack of education being a product of his time 2) Julius only learns about things he has interest in, if something doesn't interest him, you couldn't pay him to learn.

Still.. He is..a little dumb xD ↓

Julius was born December 24, 1874 in the outskirts of Dublin, Ireland. He immigrated to Boston shortly after turning 18.

Being a man from the 1800s, he has the expected skill set of one. Meaning, yes, he can hunt, build stuff, ride horses, knows how to survive in the wilderness off the land, so on and so forth.

Julius came from a working class family and came into his money on his own, having a very successful dress shop.

Julius is age locked at exactly 24, he was killed on his 24th birthday.

He was born a human but has been a demon since January of 1899.

He's mob affiliated because of Killian.

His stuffed animal Mr Bear doesn't have any supernatural aspects, Mr Bear is just a regular plushie that Julius is very attached to. He's had Mr Bear since longer than he can remember (fun fact: he was actually gifted Mr Bear by his mother on the day he was born). Mr Bear is very much a comfort item to Julius, he kinda brings it everywhere.

Julius has childish behavior but it's due to mental/emotional stunting, as well as OSDD (I won't elaborate on his OSDD, at least at this time).

Julius is also wise farrrrr beyond his years in other aspects.

He really can't stand being called a Twink lol (he's really not a Twink at all).

Julius is a bit intimidated/made anxious by "fangirls"

He's gay, idk where the bisexual (and straight🗿) rumors began but he's canonically gay and married to Killian Lynch (who is pan)

source: myself, I created both Julius and Killian xD

#creepypasta #julius the dressmaker #killian lynch #julius doherty #creepypasta facts #creepypasta headcanons #creepypasta hc #creepypasta fandom #🧸 anon

[apricusapollo]

Hey! Saw your post about deciding what to do for uni. Obviously it's a choice you have to make for yourself in the end (i know how hard that is as im going to uni this year as well, and im having trouble figuring out what to do too!!). Just offering some of my thoughts here!!

Im from a smallish eastern european country and honestly, I've only recently really started to appreciate my culture and language. I've spent so much time on the internet, consuming and consuming and consuming english, and my mative language skills have suffered for it. Like i hate those moments when i need a word and the first one that pops into my mind is an english one.

English is in no danger. English lacks nothing. It has all the linguists and philology students it needs. Does Georgian have that? Idk how Georgian is doing, but i know that for my own native language the situation is quite bad. A lot of young people speak better english than the native language, they sometimes put in phrasss or have entire convos in english, and that really harms my language, because a language has to be used intensely and in every aspect of life for it to evolve and remain truly alive. So like if i had to choose between english and my language, i think I'd choose my language, just because it's in a more precarious situation.

Like people from all over the world study english yk. But do people from all over the world study Georgian? We have to take care of our culture when we know that others won't, because it *is* valuable, even if only to us.

In the end, i think the best advice is to do what interests you most. If that's english, then sure, go for it, but if it's Georgian, then go for that. Make sure that you don't give up on your passions just because of fear.

helloo<33

the thing is, like you've said, I've been obsessively consuming media in English since I was 11-12 years old and at this point my brain Works in English more than it does in Georgian, ykwim?? I completely understand what you mean when you say that when you need a certain word, English translation is the first one that pops up in your head and it's so frustrating, I completely get it.

I also started appreciating my culture / literature / songs / movies lately and I sometimes get so angry at myself for not being interested in it earlier because, truly, who cares about how much information you have about foreign movies and so on if you don't know anything about your own first, yk??

and people around me use English phrases instead of Georgian too and it makes me So Mad and what makes me even angrier is that I also do that?? like?? why. Georgian is the sort of language that does not lack words or phrases, considering that Georgian tribes have existed since 8 century B.C. so, the point is, we don't lack anything that English speakers have.

another thing (which I have talked about here multiple times since I started studying history properly) is that Georgia has always, always been under attacks throughout its entire existence and we were constantly on the verge of extinction but somehow we always survived and people always managed to find a way to pass our culture and everything sacred to us to future generations. when I look back at that I feel so bad about the possibility of choosing foreign language and literature which was NEVER under the same risk of disappearance while my ancestors had to fight tooth and nail to still speak Georgian as the Russian Empire pressured them into speaking Russian.

honestly tysm for this anon because yeah. as a fellow eastern european, yeah you Get it.

my national exams are in July so I still have time to think about all of this but unless the fear of our complicated grammar makes me change my mind, I have a tiny feeling that patriotism might win within me.

sorry I didn't intend this to turn into such a rant

#crys answers asks

[evansblues]

So this question is something I've pondered about for a while. This is not meant to attack any other readers.

I often wonder how much a reader or medium's personal views/bias affect a reading or interpretation. I've been in the fandom for a while and I want to say before at least 2021 there used to few tarot readers, who weren't too invested in Chris himself and would read on him occasionally and some had 50-80% accuracy. Of course free will is at play and things change with time and ones personal decisions. But I often feel that since 2021 there's been this uptick of people too,too,too much damn invested in Chris. This isn't to attack anyone though, hell I know I've been guilty of it as well(though I don't understand tarot card interpretation and my knowledge of astrology is at best rudimentary)

2021 also was when this very bizarre incident occurred over discord, wherein this frankly strange lady opened up a server for tarot readings on him, had some strange etsy reader come on who urged the members of the server to message her with some emojis and she said she will find out if anyone there is his FS, promptly found out the FS who got the moniker catrose because of the emojis said person used. In reality the person who set the server was frankly a weirdo who was from LSA, who was also shunned there for oversharing about her personal life and often times exaggerated her life and experiences. This lead many more bizarre in-fandom incidents(like the secret gf of Summer 2021 and people seeing reflections of a woman on his piano in of those piano videos he posted)

Now the FS argument always makes my head turn, partly because of the obsession with this unknown woman's EVERYTHING. It's funny how she's a different person in everyone's eyes. Different age, appearance, ethnicity and characteristics according to everyone different. I often wonder if personal bias subconsciously leaks into interpretations and visions. Sometimes I almost thinks it is so. Is that a thing that's possible to happen to a reader or medium or psychic? I genuinely have wondered this because as I said, I've been in the fandom for a while and this FS went from a just a nice lady who will be good for him to completely different people(sometimes a boss bitch business woman to some nice quiet lady who works in STEM or is a teacher to a quirky person who's creative like him but in a different field, some see her as this spicy,extroverted queen and some see her as a quiet but eccentric person who will always stay behind the scenes)

Actually it's not just FS but even about Chris himself, it's like he's a different person in different readings. Of course humans are multifaceted beings and we only see one part of him.

I just, I don't know who to really take seriously sometimes😅

Basically I feel like there's lack of unbiased readings like from back in the day. Talkingtarot was on point about the 20s clout chaser which I guess what Alba is. Tarottabloid is someone whose readings feel fairly unbiased. I enjoy your astrological interpretations even when the amount of knowledge is quite intense for a noob like me.

So yeah, sorry for the huge essay. I just needed to voice it out somewhere.

The answer is bias affects readers the same way it affects anyone in anything. Some don’t want to see bad messages, some can’t or won’t interpret extraneous information, some are straight up fake. I posted an entry on how to spot fakes for that reason. It’s the same motivation as these long essays anons or blogs write about their opinions on why they think the complete lack of evidence on something means x, y, or z. Only some think claiming to be a reader will give them more credibility. I agree there is a lot of focus on him right now and that will mean more readers will tap into his energy or try their hand at interpretation.

As far as his fs is concerned, I see no benefit to anyone being allowed to get personal information on her through divination. It does not appear to me to be in any way to her aid to do so and I believe that is why every reader who pops up every few weeks to read on her gets a face full of negative energy. They are sniffing around where they don’t belong.

[amanda-519]

Rise of the tmnt movie spoilers!! Read at your own risk! I just finished the movie so these are ALL tbe spoilers!!

WHAT A MOVIE!! God I've literally been waiting the while entire day for this!! Checking my watch, waiting for the time to pass, and now that it has, can I just say it was WELL worth the wait!!

I loved every bit of this movie!

Let's start it off at the beginning, the opening shot?? Amazing! I was really worried about spoilers, since I intended to go into this movie completely blind, but couldn't help myself and look up rottmnt on tumblr and hears about the KANG and future Casey and all that. I was worried that we wouldn't see the future till like, 20 mins into the movie but no! It jumps right out at ya at the start!

Gosh I absolutely loved the future versions of the characters!

Ok but can we just talk about Mikey real quick - he's my favorite of the brothers, my favorite character in the whole series actually. And apparently he can TIME TRAVEL?? LIKE FUTURE LEO JUST TELLS MIKEY TO MAKE A TIME PORTAL LIKE HE COUPD ALWAYS DO THAT??

And!! And!!

At the end of the movie he just!! Opens a portal!! Like Leo does!! Granted, it was extremely hard, but Mikey can create portals kinda like Leo can?? Ohhh, what if Leo is the "space" part of "time and space" and Mikey is the "time" part!

Gosh I would really love a future episode, here's to hoping that they get another season, were Mikey finds out he can pull items from the future/past. Maybe it's an accident at first? Like, he keeps accidently grabbing things from the future and/or past. Everything he puts down weirdly disappears. Like, at the start of the episode Donnie can't find something, and complains to everyone else, which makes them realize that things *have* been going missing around the lair lately. And at the end of the episode, when the problem has been solved, Donnie complains about his thing still being missing, only for Mikey to pull it from the past and present it to him like, "ohhhh, you mean this?" (This causing the thing to go missing in the first place)

Also! More about Mikey because like, as I said, he's my favorite turtle. Casey said that Mikey was the "best mystic warrior" in the future. The emphasis on "mystic" really made me wonder. All throughout the movie i was waiting for him to be the first to break out of the mystic power down thing, since he's supposed to be the *best* at mystic stuff. But him getting a new power was also really neat to see!

Also, if I could go on a teeny tiny rant about Mikey and then I swear I would be done talking all about him: I feel like he's the brother without really, a "thing".

Each of the brothers has a "thing". Donnie has his cool tech, Leo is arrogant but is shown to lack the skills needed to gain that arrogance, Raph is prone to outbursts and has the strongest moral compass out of tbe group. I know you're going to say that Mikey is the sensitive one, the artist, and I agree! It's something I really like about him! But I feel like in the show he's kinda always shoved aside. I could go on, but that little rant could be it's own post all on its own-

Back to the movie! If I were to have one criticism of it, is that besides for Leo and Raph, a lot of characters weren't really given much to do? Like, this is undoubtedly a very Leo movie, he has a character arc and everything. Which is fine! I like Leo. I feel like tbe writers should get a chance to explore each bother on their own. But I wish tbe other characters did more stuff, and weren't shoved to the side as much.

I'm sorry Donnie stans, that Donnie didn't really do that much in the movie. Like, when he gets uploaded onto the ship and has full control over it, he doesn't really do much? I think he should haven gotten more of a "moment". Like, maybe he shut down all tbe KANNG monsters on earth or something. Just a way for him to save the day. Raph got his "save the day" moment while he sacrificed himself for Leo. Later Leo got his saved the day moment when he sacrificed himself. Mikey got his when he opened the portal. I think it's very important when you have a group of characters, like the brothers, you need to make sure each of them gets their "moment", their moment when they get to be cool and save the day. Idk, maybe Donnie stans are satisfied with what they got. Let me know! Actually, any other brother/character stan, let me know how you felt about your special character. I was wondering how tbe Raph stans felt, since because he was captured, he wasn't really in the movie as much as the others. Do yall like his character in this movie? Or do you feel upset that his character was just kinda used to father Leo's character arc? Let me know! I'm realy curious.

Also! What was up with those blue vitals April grabbed??? I kept waiting for them to be brought up! When Leo is giving his pep talk on the building I was waiting for April to bring it up but nothing! One vital took up a KANNG whole eye! Why didn't they break into the university and steal more??

I really hope the university is brought up more in the 3rd season, if we get one. They could be next season's big bad? And that's why they weren't focused on more??

Talking about tbe 3rd season, man I really hope we get it! There's literally so many ideas for the 3rd season.

Firstly is, of course, Casey! He's here to stay,which must be weird! It messes up the timeline, not to mention how Cassie (Cassandra) would react when she finds out that she has a SON! Also, it seems like Casey isn't really used to the present, or well, past world. It'll be really interesting to see how he learns to cope with it. It has already been shown that he doesn't do well with people, an episode focusing on how he learns to live in the present world would be cool! Maybe he could even go to school with April!

The 3rd season could also introduce the brothers new mystic powers! Like I said above, I think exploring Mikey's would be cool! Also just a bit more focus on Mikey in general maybe?? Like, ok so, I've kinda always had this idea of Mikey getting insecure that he doesn't really have a "thing" like his other brothers. He can't take hits like Raph, or he isn't a genius like Donnie is, nor is a good leader like Leo is. I think giving him the ability to be more in tune with the mystic side of himself would be interesting. Real Anng from avatar vibes. Especially since there's the wholehidden mystic city and everything. Maybe there's spirit's only je can see? Oh! And that could lead back to Draxum, since he is so intune with mystic stuff and since he's been around for so long. It makes sense because out of all the brothers, Mikey is definitely the closest to Draxum.

Talking about Draxum and possible future episodes! I think he and Donnie should really get an episode. They both really like science, and Donnie looks like he's warming up to mystic stuff. Plus, they're both not really good with their feelings lol. Seeing an episode were they bond would be really interesting!

Anyways, that's all I have to say about the movie right now. But come scream at me in my inbox or my messages if you want to talk more about the movie, or just rise in general! I would really love someone to talk about all of this with!

#rottmnt #rottmnt movie spoilers #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles movie #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles movie spoilers #rise of the tmnt movie spoilers #rise of the tmnt movie

[ronanceisintheair]

hoh anon is BACK and now i'm going to tip my can of worms upside down for the world to see. (hiding behind anon bc i'm lowkey scared of the stans <//3)

so, basically, i've been thinking about it for a while. like, two months kind of a while. also, i just want to note that it's definitely not ALL hoh steve fic writers like this!!!! there are 100% so many that see themselves in steve or even just like steve and want to project and that's absolutely great and valid, i'm not talking about the ppl who r projecting bc it's completely harmless.

you see, hoh steve is one of those hcs where it's been adopted by many people and made into fanon. but the trouble with that is people wanting to write it but not being hoh themselves. whether their intentions are good or not, to ME, aka as someone has been hard of hearing his whole life, it comes off to me as wanting to make steve disabled but not wanting to put in the WORK to make him disabled.

don't get me wrong! like i said, lots of fic writers have the best intentions and many people are projecting onto steve.

but there's a lot of times when i've come across an hoh steve post (when i'm looking desperately for hoh stranger things content </3) and it's come off as just an excuse for eddie to help or comfort or be positive towards steve instead of focusing on the disability and how it affects steve in the first place.

and also, it's like. to a lot of people, writing a character who is hard of hearing is much less work than writing a character who, say, is blind. because then you have to put thought into what they do, how they act, how they interact with the world now that their vision is gone. with a character who is hard of hearing (or even deaf!), you don't need to consider as much, and that's exactly what i mean by 'wanting to make him disabled but not put in the effort of disability'.

again, i just want to clarify that it is NOT all fic writers that do this, and i do like a few hoh steve fics i've come across, this is just the writers who i've gotten the Vibe from, as i can recognize when it comes from someone w the same experience and someone who doesn't.

this got LONG sorry HJSHJHJRHJFHJF

The can of worms has been opened!!🪱🪱(also completely valid in fearing the stans because 😬😬yikes they can be so exhausting and shamelessly ignorant and lacking in awareness. )

Also extending gratitude for you feeling comfortable enough to come back and share <33 thank you: onto the debauchery.

St*ddie is honestly the worst thing to happen to st*ve. I already roll my eyes at the stans but the st*ddie st*ve stans can be the absolute worst.

The disabling or giving of st*ve trauma as the sole purpose of trope-ism and not like its an actual reality. 100% agree it is rarely about st*ve navigating these hardships. Rarely is it actually about the disabilities or ailments. It's more of like an excuse for e*die to "cure" st*ve of these things.

Very glamorized and superficial. Using a disability as an excuse or blanket. Like it was never about giving st*ve real struggles, it was never about implementing representation into a media that is so blatant on ignoring it.

Also please never apologize for letting yourself rant about the horrid conditions of this fandom and its fanon ideology.

It's also usually an extension of the "poor St*ve he just wants to be loved" Nancy hater narrative. It's like giving him a disability as a form of "he's owed love" and in extension making it out that someone who is hoh or with a disability cannot learn to love themselves or live with themselves and their platonic love. (In my head this makes since so I hope it makes sense in words as well)

The closest I can think is the idea of disability/caregiver fetishism but like lite.

#long post #anti steddie #anti steve harrington #<- it's not even anti steve but you know how it is #asksintheair

[lighthouseborna]

“plots please”

(Send plots please if you'd like to request plot/connection ideas!)

oooooooo ok ok ok ok I've got, a couple !

I'm very potentially interested in a good-old-fashioned sort of like. displacement? sort of thing where. either direction could work maybe but the one I was thinking of specifically would basically take Henry from his home universe and just. teleport him into Bluu's time (and probably, therefore, to Fog Hollow) and it's like. he'd be an outsider obviously, except also he would have been brought there through some kind of connection between the powers that be that he was taking on and the powers that be on the island, y'know? Ocean Magic™. he messes with stuff he shouldn't have and now suddenly he's been yoinked out of his home and into this strange and dangerous place and he's going to have to figure out how not to get eaten and also why it happened and he's going to want to go back and all of that seems like maybe it could work and be fun?

also, then, could go other way. either something Henry did or something Bluu did I don't know but either way we could also transplant her back and then leave them to figure out. why. and how to undo it.

alternatively I think 100% modern verse Henry [who I do not have ... an official/complete write up for right now but (here's) (two) posts that give the information run down but anyway I think he-] would be drawn to Fog Hollow either by rumor or chance, but either way just. Out of a genuine and all consuming curiosity. And he likes to hear people's stories and explore places and yeah also happens to write about them but when I say "journalist" about him I don't mean like. nosy expose I mean like travel journal y'know and I just mean. Oh I think would would be neat if he went there just to figure out. What exactly was hidden up that way (Because even if very few stories get out of there then there's the lack of information to make a person go... huh, yknow?) and from there there's technically multiple options because his modern verse can be more grounded where he's just curious and nonconventional and we throw him in there and watch what happens but then option two is like. I generally write him having a sixth sense, in particular for like, forces around death, but also as a general thing. When there's Forces at work he tends to Notice. and so then it becomes the case of, he gets there and is immediately like Oh No because there are. many things there and most of them are now Looking At Him (Outsider.) and lkdsjf;lgkjdf sorry I'm rambling: either way he gets curious, he wants to see more of it, he might start digging into things he shouldn't (he's good at that) and I think maybe they could start to dig into things together? I mean first he's going to have to earn her trust I'm sure and I don't know how that happens but I just think. If you need someone to stir up established things then,,, (gestures at boy) Light, life, luck.

oh oh oh and that reminded me that I don't have. it's not a verse? but one time I did. a dash game. that was like, what if your muse was a deity. and I could turn that into a verse actually that would be fun. i've actually never thought of that before so I don't have anything more solid than that other than (the post) and the thought, maybe he had a similar experience of discovery? and was then either drawn to the island or specifically to Bluu for that reason?

#bluuxriising #hi i've been. combing through the lore stuff btw i'm very #you made a really cool thing ;lskdfjg;ldjg #it's so much more than that i wish my brain was working to word this properly but i just. so cool!!! SO COOL!!!! #terrifying eldritch ocean god(s)/10

[adamruz]

Where’s Adam?

Summary: The morning after Adam goes back to his undercover apartment. Some angst, but not between who you’re probably thinking.

Word Count: 1070

Note: This idea just came to me in one sitting a few weeks ago and I think it's the fic I've been the most nervous about posting. Plus I really need Makayla asking where Adam is in the next episode.

Almost every morning since Kim came home from the hospital, the kitchen was filled with Makayla's laughter and Adam rattling off the latest news stories, but this one was different. It was quiet. She was sitting at the table alone after her and Adam decided it was best for him to temporarily move out for Makayla's sake. She was also letting her daughter sleep in a bit later to avoid having the inevitable conversation for as long as possible.

Kim took the last sip of her coffee when her daughter stumbled out of her bedroom, rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning, Makayla."

"Morning Mom. Where's Adam?"

"Hey bud, come here. He's still caught up with work." Kim was going to use that excuse for as long as she could because she wanted to avoid telling her daughter the truth about him moving out for as long as possible because it would break her little heart.

Makayla's expression completely changed as she responded, "But you promised me he'd be here this morning."

"I know, I'm sorry, but come eat your waffles so we can get you ready for school."

Makayla took her seat with her arms folded and a frustrated look on her face. "No. I want scrambled eggs. You told me Adam would make them for me this morning."

"He'll make them for you as soon as he can. Please just eat this or you're going to be late for school." Kim said sternly as she walked to the bathroom because she didn't want to get any angrier at her or for Makayla to see the tears forming in her eyes. Kim's heart was breaking and she was starting to think that maybe she undervalued Adam and her daughter's relationship.

Makayla picked up her fork, just staring at her food for a few seconds before she heard Kim's phone ringing on the table. A picture of her and Adam flashed on the screen, so she immediately knew who was calling. "Hi Adam! Mom said you are still working, but I miss you."

Adam had to compose himself after being caught off guard because he was fully prepared to talk to Kim and ask her how Makayla slept through the night. "Hey Mack, I'm sorry but this work assignment is going to last a little bit longer." Adam hated lying to her, especially after he already did that when Kim was first in the hospital. He was not working. He was sitting alone on the hard couch in his dark apartment and was struggling to eat the bagel he grabbed from the bakery on the corner. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

Makayla not satisfied with his answer blurted out, "Do you not love me anymore?"

Kim returned from the bathroom and her heart broke at her daughter's words because she knew there was no lack of love from Adam to Makayla. And Kim was ultimately the one that led Adam to decide to move out. Before he could respond, Kim interrupted. "Makayla, honey, he loves you very much. We're just taking a break."

"It's like my mommy and daddy all over again," she said as she got up from the table running into her bedroom and closing the door behind her.

"Makayla," Kim yelled after her.

"I'm on my way over," Adam said on the phone before he hung up.

"Listen to me bud. Moms and dads fight sometimes, but that doesn't mean we love you any less." Kim was standing outside her daughter's door hoping for her to open it up.

"I just...thought I was getting a dad this time."

Adam ran in to Kim's apartment as Makayla said those words and they felt like a knife in his heart. She could tell he rushed over as his flannel was buttoned unevenly and his belt was only through a few loops on his jeans.

"Hey, thanks for coming. She refuses to come out."

Adam rubbed Kim's back. "Let me try."

He walked over to her bedroom door and sat down right in front of it. "Hey Mack, it's me." All he could hear behind the door was her deep breathing in between her sobs. After a few seconds, the door slowly creaked open to reveal her sitting on the ground with her hands covering her face.

"I still love you, Makayla. Your mom and me are working through some things right now, but we both love you very much." She looked up at him for the first time since he arrived. "I actually kinda know how you feel right now. My parents aren't together anymore and didn't like each other very much when I was growing up, but that's not what's happening here. I love you and your mom very much."

Kim just stood back and watched, amazed at how seamlessly Adam stepped in as the father figure in Makayla's life.

"But we were supposed to move in together and be a family."

"I know and we still will be. It will just take some time."

"Pinky promise?" Makayla held out her small shaking pinky finger. Adam looked to Kim first before he acted, meeting her pinky with his, sealing the promise. She flashed a toothy grin and jumped up and ran into his arms to hug him.

"Ok, now let's get you ready for school." The three were a well oiled machine hurrying to get Makayla ready for school. Adam packed up her backpack and prepared her lunch, while Kim got her dressed and fixed her hair.

They both walked Makayla into school, her in the middle holding onto their hands, swinging her arms. After she walked into the building and waved goodbye, Kim turned to Adam.

"You know, you were a champ with her back at the apartment. I can only imagine what you were like with her while I was kidnapped and in the hospital."

"What can I say. I have a way with kids."

Kim let out a chuckle. "I see that. You know, maybe the best decision for our family wasn't for you to move out. I need you and she needs you...her dad."

Adam now smiled at that last word. He couldn't believe he was finally a dad and had a family with Kim Burgess after all this world has put them through. Everything wasn't automatically fixed, but they were both now committed to fix it for each other and their daughter.

#lexi.writes #cpd fic #burzek fic #burzek #burzek x makayla #chicago pd #chicago pd fic #adam ruzek #kim burgess

[pentition]

Today Pen said this during a date when asked about his past;

"The moment I knew what I was doing, I was already learning how to fight. Poor kid, I don't mind though. In this world of ours, the strong rules over the weak. So you need people like me to shield the unfortunate and dish out justice!"

So maybe there is some sort of hope for redemption with him basically saying he is a child soldier. Or they are going the route that even though there is a fucked up backstory some things cannot be forgiven. He's an asshole don't get me wrong, but I've been known to collect assholes because in fiction I find them very funny.

Spoilers!!

I would love a Pen redemption arc and the more I am here, posting Pen content, the more I want that over cementing him as a villain.

I don't want a redemption arc that entirely absolves him because I think Pen's sincere passion for violence is a vital part of his character. I can believe it was conditioned into him by his environment as a super soldier experiment and child soldier. Regardless if he actually likes it or if it's something he adapted into liking for survival purposes, I think either would be interesting.

The murder of Logan's father is fucked up but I can see that being anywhere between a full truth, a partial truth or an outright lie depending on story and character direction. Either way, I can see it less of being a choice and more of him doing what soldiers do, following orders without question. Does it make it okay? No. But how that subject is approached and the things that factor into it determines how it can be judged and perceived.

I think Pen is a messed up asshole. I don't think he needs to be fixed. I think he just needs to have a choice for once on what he wants from his own life. Little moments in his dialogue where he acknowledges his situation (vaguely) with self-awareness just tells me there's emotional intelligence there that he has kept to himself. Maybe he doesn't know what to do with it beyond punching things but that doesn't mean it's not there. Maybe he just needs redirecting so he can do some introspection on himself.

Pen being an asshole is so fun. I do have a weakness for asshole characters most of the time. At least, ones that either have or potentially have layers as to why they are like this - and hint that they don't operate solely on an asshole spectrum but are capable of more. Being an asshole can be a personality trait but it's also a choice, which I always find interesting and have to ask why.

I'd never change Pen being an asshole. I'd just like to see development of his assholeness potentially coming to benefit Sandrock. Or the facts surrounding Pen aren't all what they seem. Because all I can think about is now that he got caught, Duvos may view him as a failure and that completely jeopardizes things for him. Maybe Duvos will come after Pen now too for failing. Maybe he's at risk to be eliminated or sucked back into whatever program made him into what he is.

I'll always find it fascinating that he considered his work for Duvos as his 'second job'. It's little wording like that that makes me hope being Sandrock's protector because his #1. And his asshole personality + soldier mentality is struggling to allow himself to keep wanting that. And for people (like me) that have romanced him, the lack of addressing the whole situation in game is frustrating. From a narrative standpoint though, if he is struggling, it becomes a little more interesting in terms of trying to forcefully distance himself by not acknowledging any of it.

Oop there I go. Sorry for the text wall. sdgdfhgfjhg Either way, I hope there is too. Thanks for the ask!!

#pen #musings