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cadaceus · 4 years

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C2E91

There was... so much to process from this episode. I feel like I can’t even do my little pre-recap ramble without spoiling something. I will say this though: [Captain Holt voice] STONE??? Besides that point however, there were a lot of emotions (especially in regards to Nott near the end there) and I was up until 3am, text-ranting my best friend about said emotions. I think this is one of, if not *the* first Critical Role episode where I genuinely shed a tear. So without further ado here are my liveblogs, notes, and eventual all-caps emotions about Campaign 2, Episode 91 of Critical Role: “Stone to Clay.”

- Nott’s problem is not on her to-do list! That makes me sad :((

- Essek’s soft “If you would have a guest for dinner, perhaps?” stop stop i already love you 😭

- Everyone being a bit awkward at small talk is a Whole Mood, including Yasha saying “I’ll....build a fire?” I love my 7 charisma daughter!!!! (also Frumpkin jumping into Essek’s lap is so cute)

- “There are two stories I can think of that managed to step into the annals of history, the time before.” I am still waiting on that Time Travel Arc!!! I am literally so ready (and they don’t know what happened to the second time traveler... maybe they are still out there somewhere??)

- “Is this friendship safe for you here?” “Nothing I do is safe.” uhhhhhh 👀

- okay WHAT was the embarrassing thing about Essek that Laura got a whisper about, what made her laugh so hard, was he really pooping that one time? I have to know !!!

- Marisha, Sam, and Laura all giving the side-eye when Caleb says to Essek “I think you and I share... interests” dfghjkldjddk leave the wizards alone !!!

- Fjord pretending to be “Jeff” and Jester trying to sell him on the Traveler.... BYE (+ Fjord’s imitation of going ‘Ooh! I’m seeking change and direction!’ is basically him before the Wildmother anyway)

- Fjord’s last name being Stone..... uhhh HELLO? HELLO???

- ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS INSANE COINCIDENCE BECAUSE FJORD’S DESTINY WAS FORGED FROM HIS PAIN OF COURSE BUT ALSO ??? LOWKEY WRITTEN IN THE STARS ??? MAYHAPS ???

- “I’m the Transmutation wizard, but you’re the one who changes people.” Aww that was really sweet, that whole conversation between Caleb and Jester was lovely

- Sam, Travis, and Marisha have the best reactions to that Jester convo with the Traveler loooool

- Aww Yasha sleeping in Caduceus’ room because she’s afraid to sleep alone 😭 My love

- Not gonna lie, I totally thought Vence was dead/had been killed after they’d found out he was being scryed on, so the fact that he’s (a) alive and (b) been captured by the Empire is !!!!!!! A Lot !!!!!

- Also I love how the message was like “Ah yes peace talks to potentially end this devastating war will take place in four weeks” and everyone’s first reactions were “Oof that’s cutting it a bit close to travelercon :/“ because mood 😂😂

- Caleb cupping Nott’s face and reassuring her that he’s so close to solving the equation and getting her back, have I told everyone how much I love them yet lately?? Because I love them so much

- Essek: “So... how I do this... How was your day?” 😭 He’s literally like Zuko post-redemption from the Last Airbender in his awkward but powerful and slightly charming levels, I love him

- One of the lightbulbs in my overhead light has been dead for awhile now but when Matt Mercer said “all the candles immediately light” it chose that exact moment to flicker on for the first time in months???? What kind of witchcraft???

- I’m not saying I ship Beau/Jester/Yasha but...... I’m starting to ship Beau/Jester/Yasha sdfghjk I love them okay

- “The spell is complete” OH SHIT THAT WAS FAST I’M NOT READY AAAAHH

- Laura’s facial expressions during the “We work well together. We should explore other things.” “I have some ideas.” conversation were pure gold I love her sdfghjklkjhghjk

- “You go towards the kitchen and the door is locked.” / Cad: “Well, that’s half your problem right here.” lmaooooo king of comedy

- “I kind of thought I’d have to die to do it again.” When is someone going to confront Nott about her death back in Happy Fun Ball because I think she was acting recklessly under this exact assumption :(((

- Caleb (to Nott): “We wouldn’t judge you if you wanted to stay with us for awhile.” Beau: “Or if you wanted to go home.” Caleb, increasingly desperate: “Or if you wanted to stay with us for awhile.” 😭 😭 😭

- “We do what we always do. We do it together. Caleb and Nott.” Why are they literally making me cry at 1am what did I do to deserve this treatment it’s so much

- Jester: “Do you want to come find some gem dust with me Fjord?” / Nott: “I mean, he can’t dig, so yeah.” / Fjord: “What?” / Nott: “I mean, come on.” LMAO GOT EM

- Nott: “I want Beau to mold my titties and no else, because she’s got the most experience with them--” Yasha: “Well that might not be entirely true!” 😂😂 BYE

- This will be our best trick yet

- Okay here we go...... here we go....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I’m so emotional :(((((

- uhhh chief

- UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,,,,,,,, CHIEF

- Wait so does Nott have a curse on her? She can’t turn back until the curse is broken? On the one hand I’m really sad because she’s been working towards this for so long but on the other hand I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Nott and meet Veth quite yet, I thought it all happened suspiciously quick (in the sense that at the start of the episode she still didn’t even think it was possible/they were actively planning to work towards a different goal, and then at the end it was very possible to achieve Nott’s goal)... I should have known it was too good to be true :((

#whoa this was long im so sorry #critical role #c2e91 #cr #my liveblogs #SO MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE THOUGH SO CAN YOU BLAME ME FOR RAMBLING JUST A LITTLE #nott !!!! fjord !!!! essek !!!! all the character developments !!!!#queue

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night-filled-mountain · 6 years

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So the Labenda Swamp/Berleben episodes, while they had plenty of stand-out moments (KIRI! CALI! Shaving with a greatsword! Awkward hug!), weren’t exactly my favorites this campaign. Intra-party tension, lots of combat, lots of single-minded focus on their job (...their purely mercenary job for a crime boss, with no element of emotional investment or even a whiff of heroism). Basically, they had the generally grim atmosphere that you’d probably expect from a shitty swamp town. By the end of ep. 23, I was really craving some downtime for the group, some richer, softer interactions, juicy character development, and maybe an altruistic side quest that would help me really root for the Mighty Nein (much as I adore their shadiness).

...I cannot express how hard Hupperdook delivered on all of this. I loved this episode so much, you guys. SO MUCH.

Highlights:

There was so much goodness that I think I’m going to have to divide this up based on characters. Starting with...

CALEB

This episode was like the grand payoff for all of Caleb’s conflicts with the others about his inability to integrate with the group. Practically every little thing he did confirmed his affection for them and his determination to be kind and playful and fully present for them, to shed his sad-loner persona and become a team player:

-Magically lighting Beau’s firecracker for her with no hesitation, even though they’re both well aware of his issues with fire

-Encouraging Nott in her dance plans with Jester--i.e. encouraging her to enjoy herself with someone other than him, which feels incredibly healthy for both of them

-Hasting Jester to improve her piano-playing, and tossing gold in the “tipping hat” for her

-Having a civil (and hilarious) conversation with Fjord about the hazards of rooming with Molly in a party town--and actually inviting Fjord to share a room with him and Nott, which I kind of wish we got to see, although the way things actually turned out was equally satisfying

-Telling Yasha he was sorry she wouldn’t be going out with them because he counts on her as his social-anxiety buddy

-Gently checking up on Fjord re: his flirting anxiety (more on that later)

-Participating in the drinking contest--again, with no hesitation (and killing it!). This went against so many of Caleb’s usual scruples (not spending money frivolously, avoiding crowds and social interaction), not to mention making him extremely vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. He had to know that some of his closely guarded secrets might come out, and he had to extract a promise that they wouldn’t let him pass out in the gutter...but he went through with it anyway, trusting the group to take care of him. And they (specifically Jester) justified his trust.

-THE DRUNKEN SINGING. Counting and singing both seem to be compulsions for Caleb, especially in stressful situations (we’ve seen him sing a version of that “Mighty Nein” song on the battlefield, haven’t we?), but even after the heartbreak of the waltz scene, nothing can quite beat, “One of those things is true...aaand you are blue.”

-Speaking of which...

JESTER

-That waltz honestly might have been the saddest (and sweetest) scene of the entire campaign. In a situation that would normally be ripe for high comedy (the most awkward, inhibited member of the party gets super drunk and agrees to dance with Jester, trickery cleric and perpetual agent of chaos), we got a quiet slow dance and a line so poignant in context and delivery that I’m tearing up just thinking about it. The way Laura/Jester’s face instantly crumbled (even though Jester knows nothing of Caleb’s backstory). Her instantly softened tone, the complete lack of teasing. Caleb’s broken little “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m...I’m sorry.” His sudden reversion to Sad Loner Eternally Punishing Himself, as he walked away to seek out solitude in some filthy gutter. Jester’s determination to Not Let Him Do That, to keep her promise and get him into bed. “I’m sure Astrid loves you very much.”

...Yeah, I’m not sure how to do that scene justice other than crying about it.

Moving on to somewhat lighter tidbits...

-“I go over and give Caleb a kiss on the cheek.” 😊 (I need to make a whole separate post at some point about Caleb and touch.) (...About everyone and touch, for that matter.)

-Jester has never been drunk. I always kind of figured that her habit of ordering milk was just an in-joke about Laura’s pregnancy, like the pickles--but no, it’s a legitimate character detail stemming from her sheltered upbringing. I felt sorry for Jester and Laura when she was the odd tiefling out in the drinking contest, but in retrospect, it’s really good (for Caleb’s sake as well as their finances’) that they had a Sober Friend on deck.

-Her conversation with Caleb about “hidden skills” made me wonder, not for the first time, whether she’s actually had a lot of sexual experience as she often implies, or whether her childhood surrounded by courtesans (and her habit of spying on their clients) has simply made her feel qualified to speak on the subject. Passing the written exam but not the practicum, as it were.

-Her frantic (and mostly futile) attempts to get her teammates to say who they’re attracted to while under Zone of Truth were good fun, but her frantic attempts to get them to say whether they like her held a bit more weight, I think. Jester is, without a doubt, the best-liked member of the Mighty Nein--I don’t think there’s a single teammate who couldn’t have truthfully answered that question with a resounding “Yes”--but Jester, with her history of isolation, her social inexperience, her lingering fears of being left alone again, still feels insecure about whether her friendships are sincere. Give Jester hugs, is what I’m saying. Give her ALL the hugs.

-Jester’s concern for Kiri gets more adorable each episode. I especially like how emphatic she is about the fact that Kiri is a person, appearances notwithstanding (“She’s like you, she’s a little girl, not a pet”). Laura said in a Talks episode a while back that Jester thought of Kiri like a doll, but I definitely think her views have evolved. There was something especially touching about the music-box scene. Hupperdook seems to present several options for safe and wholesome environments in which they might leave Kiri, but I’m kind of rooting for Rissa and her father to take her in.

-Jester got to throw around her magic a lot in fun, non-combat ways this episode. Loved the Thaumaturgy cheers for Beau, and the Infernal whispers surrounding the blacksmith kids. But that Locate Object spell not only single-handedly saved their asses, financially speaking, but also changed the entire direction of their current adventure when it led them to that final scene, with the kids in the boarded-up shop.

-It was kind of amazing to see the different ways and specific moments in which each member of the Mighty Nein was affected by the kids’ story. For Jester, of course, it was when they said their parents were thrown in jail for “idol worship.” It is killing me (in a Very Good way) how we’re gradually finding the cracks in the Nein’s cynical, mercenary armor--the emotional buttons that can be pushed to lead them to propose (or support) an actual altruistic quest, despite their much-cherished self-identity as “a bunch of assholes.” Which, of course, leads me to...

FJORD

Holy cats, did this episode radically transform the way I see and feel about Fjord. I haven’t done such an intense 180 on a character since Beau’s one-on-one scene with Dairon back in the day. That was the scene that 100% hooked me on Beau. I went in feeling lukewarm and iffy about her, and came out finding her lovable, secretly vulnerable, and generally fascinating...and this episode had the exact same effect for me re: Fjord.

-His flustered reactions to flirtation have always seemed funny before, and they were funny in this episode too, up to a point...and then, as Travis played it up, it began to feel like something more. I love that it was Caleb, of all people, who sensed Fjord’s genuine discomfort and asked if he was okay. Whether that discomfort just stems from virginity/inexperience or from some kind of bad experience, it makes Fjord’s relationship with Jester--who defaults to flirting as a standard form of social interaction, because of her upbringing--a lot more interesting to me than it’s ever been before. Her offer of sex lessons would have felt like simple comedy in an earlier episode, but now it felt like a case of fundamental miscommunication, a clash between two people with very different backgrounds and worldviews when it comes to sex and romance...and I am All About It, I am so on board for that ride, it appeals to me so much more than Jester’s simple romance-novel-fantasy version of their relationship.

-In my notes on last week’s episode, I forgot to even mention Fjord confiding in Molly about the eyeball on his sword (and Molly’s poorly-timed and poorly-executed Charm Person spell), but Fjord and Molly’s relationship always intrigues me. In this week’s installment of their roommate shenanigans, we got Fjord’s rather jaw-dropping line “Half of me’s interested, the other half is terrified” (I could just hear the fics being written on the spot). My shipping compass is all over the place at this point. On the one hand, Fjord has low wisdom and an occasional tendency to jump on board with crazy scenarios just for the hell of it. On the other hand, I could swear sometimes, looking back over the whole campaign, that the only people in whom he’s shown anything like romantic interest are Caleb and Molly. (If you want to get all metaphorical-innuendo with this, they’re the only two teammates he’s almost allowed to hold/examine his sword...yet, in both cases, he decided to refuse/hold off.)

-Fjord coaching Beau on behavior and facial expressions never, ever gets old. And for once, instead of trying to help her be more courteous and less off-putting, he got to help her ramp up her intimidation to a whole new level (for a couple of teenage punks! 😂). Molly and Caleb doing good cop/bad cop last week was a delight, but Fjord and Beau pulled it off just as brilliantly. (Are we ever going to hear what became of those kids, as they spent a day frantically searching for the thieves the Mighty Nein had already found? ^_^)

-And finally...HOW ABOUT THAT BACKSTORY, THOUGH!?

No, it’s not the first backstory drop we’ve gotten for Fjord; in fact, it’s one of the briefest. We knew about the kids who made fun of him for his tusks and drove him to file them down. We knew about his sailor background, the shipwreck, his near-drowning experience, and that he presumably made a shady deal with his patron (whether he remembers it or not). We knew about his mentor, Vandren, whose fate is still up in the air. Yet somehow, none of that had anywhere near as much impact on me as that one little line, that achingly hesitant response to the question of whether he’d ever been in an orphanage: “Yes. I was. They’re terrible fucking places.”

I’ve actually thought a lot over the course of this campaign about why I’ve had more trouble connecting to Fjord than to the other characters, and I realized that a lot of it boiled down to the fact that he’s just never seemed to have the same vulnerability. Yes, his backstory was painful, even traumatic, but there was a certain macho romanticism to it--explosions, shipwrecks, a shady kraken-esque magical patron, even the fact that the loved one he lost was a surrogate father. It was all a little bit too “classic hero” for me to really feel it down to my bones...and honestly, that also applied to Fjord in general. He was always so smooth, so polished, so badass and confident and leader-like. I never heard the same raw desperation in his voice as I did in Caleb’s when he talked about his parents, or Nott’s when she talked about her goblin heritage, or Molly’s when he talked about rejecting his forgotten past, or Jester’s when she begged the Traveler to appear, or even Beau’s (downplayed as much as she could!) when she was seeking Dairon’s approval.

But with that one line about his childhood, regardless of the specifics, Fjord has joined the club for me. I’m all in. I’d die for him as soon as I would for any of the others. ...And this turned out waaay longer than I expected. 😳 Moving on!

-Everything about Fjord during that last scene (and actually, everything about that scene in general) was pure gold. Fjord was so soft toward those kids; he gave us the gentlest rendition of the line “I’m the one asking questions” that I’ve ever heard. His quiet, eloquent, persistent appeal to the others to join him in a dangerous, unpaid, purely altruistic rescue mission did such a number on my heart.

-Also? “I would really like the opportunity to leave this place better than we found it” was a direct quote from Molly when he talked about his circus days under Zone of Truth--and Molly definitely noticed. I love, love, love that the members of this chaotic-neutral trash group are learning to appeal directly to each other’s backgrounds, issues, and specific values, not just to get a rise out of each other, but to activate the compassion that every one of them has buried beneath a hundred layers of cynical self-interest.

-Of course, Fjord and Molly weren’t the only people having their buttons pushed in that discussion, and Fjord’s wasn’t the only big backstory drop this episode! Which brings me to...

BEAU

-Though I was initially disappointed that the gang didn’t set off a whole bunch of them in the streets of Hupperdook, I am now thrilled and terrified at the thought of all the firecrackers she still has in her possession.

-Everything about Beau and Jester’s friendship is pure as the driven snow, and Beau getting Jester a flower necklace was no exception.

-Beau: *tries to snatch Molly’s tip for a dancer out of midair; rolls a natural one* Dancer: *grabs the coin, kicks Beau in the face, and winks at her* Beau: “I wink back. You know, I kind of liked that. That was kinda hot.” Me: This is the most quintessentially Beau moment I have ever witnessed, and I love her more than air.

-Low-charisma Beau and Molly leaning on the bar, totally ignored, for 15 minutes, was beautiful...but Beau’s “Sorry to interrupt your incessant flirting, but can I please have a drink?” is everything I have ever wanted from Beau and Molly’s frenemyship. I feel so fulfilled.

-Beau’s brief involvement in Jester and Nott’s dance plans (“Yeah, I know, I’m your second choice” / Nott: “No, third” 😂). Beau gets a lot of flak for arrogance, but honestly, her self-deprecation game is almost as strong as Caleb’s, and it is both hilarious and kind of poignant every time.

-Her defense of Nott from the racist (species-ist?) firecracker salesman. “Hey, don’t ever apologize for who you are, man.” Also telling her that Caleb is “a good guy”--which, coming from the one person who (a.) knows Caleb’s full backstory and (b.) isn’t Nott, is kind of huge.

-BEAU BACKSTORY DROP. BEAU BACKSTORY DROP. I wanted it SO BADLY, and I got my wish!! There was nothing about it that I didn’t love, starting with the fact that she confided in Nott. Out of all the Mighty Nein members, they’re probably two of the people with the fewest interactions, but it makes sense that the weird Caleb/Beau/Nott bond formed during Caleb’s backstory drop continues to strengthen.

-“Are you evil? Are you a bad guy?” / “No. I don’t...I hope not. I think it differs from day to day, depending on what I’m doing. Do you think I’m a bad guy?” This said so much about Beau herself, and also Beau’s self-image--and how heavily it depends on how other people see her, despite how vehemently she’d like to claim otherwise.

-Beau’s story wasn’t shocking or even surprising--it basically just tied together a lot of the hints we’ve already gotten--but there were so many little touches that killed me:

Her painfully realistic reluctance to pronounce her father a bad person

The fact that he hired the monks to straight-up kidnap her like some kind of horrific “scared straight” stunt (which is a thing that real parents do to real children, and that’s all I’m going to say about that)

The pained sarcasm of her, “Sure. Great,” when Nott asked if she was okay...and the brief dropped eye contact when Nott asked, “Was it hard?”

The looong pause and deeep breath between, “He was hoping...” and, “...they were gonna beat my indiscretions out of me.”

“I think all of the things that my father saw in me that he hated, the monks saw as a potential advantage.” I’ve always known that Beau’s first scene with Dairon felt raw and emotional and Important, but this scene finally gave us the context to explain why.

And, more than anything, the way her voice broke and dissolved into pained laughter when she said, “In fact, he told me he never wanted to see me again.” ...If this guy is still alive, the Mighty Nein had damn well better hunt him down and give him the full Syldor Vessar or Howaardt Darrington treatment.

...I have to note that amid all those dark emotions, something about Beau’s deadpan delivery of “I worked at a library” sent me into hysterics. (Also, “That had to do with the job that I had before the job that I had--”)

In short: For her first big backstory drop, this was deeply satisfying, but there are still so many things we don’t know! Why was her childhood “meant for someone else”? What about “I came to hate the town I was in and the system my father was a part of”? That seems related to her previous confession to Caleb, that she watched her father give up everything for the Empire and get screwed over somehow. And what about her comment to Dairon ages ago about how her father’s money (for her upkeep) must not be coming in anymore? Is he dead? Missing? In prison? I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

Still not the end of the Beau moments, though:

-Beau getting Fjord out of awkward sexual propositions by pleading erectile dysfunction on his behalf. Best/worst anti-wingwoman ever. (Bonus: Fjord’s Very Southern, Very Offended, “She doesn’t know me like that.” 😂)

-She finally followed through with her long-ago threat to slap Caleb! (Caleb, luckily, was not in a state to care.)

-“I will fucking punch you if you try and kiss me.” Literally could not ask for more with Beau and Molly. Could. Not. Ask. For. More.

-Her anguished “NOOOO!” when Molly literally pulled the alcohol out of her body...and of course, ”Did you touch inside of me!?”

-Despite finally dropping backstory of her own, Beau is still #1 when it comes to digging out other people’s: “I mean, Nott’s over here trying to pull my heartstrings, but it seems like you should be the target. Do you have a thing with kids in orphanages?”

Speaking of heartstrings...

NOTT

-So happy to see more of her friendship with Jester (“Do we need choreography!?”), and an attempt to revive their Detective Duo dynamic.

-It’s been a while since we saw Nott deal with racism (species-ism?). Still as much of a gut punch as ever.

-I loved seeing her gratitude to Beau for taking care of Caleb, along with her determination to make sure Beau is doing it right. I’m still not sure how I feel about Nott’s whole “I am the parent” attitude, but she’s certainly a better ‘parent’ than most of the Mighty Nein have ever known.

-She did a fantastic job bringing out Beau’s backstory without overshadowing Beau, but she still got off some great lines in that scene: “So wait. Little townsgirl, her parents are wine-makers, now you’re a brutal assassin martial artist who can kill anything...what happened in between those two things?” and “You were bootlegging your old man’s hooch!?”

-“I never thought of you as an optimistic person, but that’s a very positive way of looking at it.” Okay...I may finally, finally be letting go of my cherished image of Scrappy Urchin Child Nott, and warming up to Maternal Nott. Watching her earnestly encourage her ever-growing collection of adopted children is kind of the best. (She was also great at “pulling Beau’s heartstrings” during the final scene, though I couldn’t help thinking that a lot of her “Don’t you think the children should be with their loving parents!?” rhetoric would’ve hit home for Caleb as well.)

-The drinking contest was a delight from start to finish, but Nott’s match was probably my second-favorite. (Nothing could beat “little Caleb” triumphing over his mild-mannered opponent.)

-It was a small moment, but it made me inordinately happy to see Nott and Molly profusely congratulating each other after the contest and then DANCING TOGETHER. They’ve barely exchanged a word since (1.) Molly wrenched deeply personal confessions out of Nott with Charm Person, (2.) They clashed in the aftermath of Scrollgate, and (3.) Nott offended Molly pretty seriously during his Zone of Truth backstory. Every single moment of Mighty Nein friendship/concern/camaraderie in this episode gave me so much life, but these two were a highlight.

And, speak of the devil...

MOLLY

It’s been quite some time since Molly got a big chance to shine. I’m mildly concerned about that, but that’s a matter for another post. (And it will probably get cleared up soon anyway--I think Tal just has a somewhat quieter play style, and takes a while to settle into his characters.) That said, the Molly moments we did get in this episode were absolute gems:

-Straight-up knight-in-shining-armoring Rissa with the punks who were harassing her. Nothing will ever be quite as gloriously creepy as blood maledicts.

-“Do I have masculine wiles!?” / “You have...pan wiles.” / “I’m into it.” (There’s this very specific voice Molly uses once in a while, this tone of pure childlike wonder, that sends my Molly love into overdrive. The lines that come to mind are, “Can I!?” back when Fjord joked that Molly could take the mirror from Pumat Sol’s shop, and “I won a strawberry!” back at the Harvest Close festival. I love that I can now add “Do I have masculine wiles!?” to the list.)

-Drawing alcohol out of Beau with his blood-hunter powers to ease her hangover

-“Whatever team you’re on, I don’t think I play for that one...It’s Team Fuck-Off, I’m well aware.”

-Throwing up on Fjord, and then tenderly bringing him to bed (...not that way)

-His “Say no more, I’m in” as soon as Fjord made it clear that the quest to break the kids’ parents out of jail was personal for him. In perfect accordance with his carnie past, Molly often walks this delicate line between “keep your head down, don’t make trouble” and “be the chaos you want to see in the world,” and I love that a friend’s Strong Feelings can single-handedly push him from one side to the other.

-I feel like there are probably more Molly moments I’m forgetting because I’m at the tail end of a post the size of Mt. Everest here, and I am most sincerely sorry.

BONUS

Yasha was barely there this episode, for obvious reasons, but I still desperately want art of her cuddling with Kiri!

IN CONCLUSION

This episode was amazing and I cannot wait for next week.

#critical role #c2e24 #caleb widogast #jester lavorre #fjord #beauregard #nott the brave #mollymauk tealeaf #yasha nydoorin #kiri #caleb #jester #beau #nott #mollymauk #molly #yasha #beau and caleb

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calebandnott · 6 years

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Title: Thoughts Unforgotten

Summary: Caleb lies in bed sometime before episode 12, unable to sleep and unable to stop thinking. Angsty musings on his past, his place within The Mighty Nein, and himself.

I love one (1) morally grey stink wizard who hates himself and is berated by an overwhelming onslaught of psychological symptoms. This has literally zero plot and is just meant to be an exercise into his psychological state of mind and how he thinks about himself and his current situation, because there is just so much going on beneath the surface with him.

Word count: 1200

Link: AO3

He lay in bed staring at the rafters of the inn, vaguely wondering if the wood rot was bad enough that it would cause a potentially lethal roof-caving incident. Not a bad way to go out – a quick death in a bed that wasn’t particularly warm or soft but was certainly warmer and softer than the battlefield or the trodden dirt of an alleyway. Deciding that the rot wasn’t quite bad enough to pose a threat, he tried closing his eyes again. He didn’t expect that sleep would come – it almost never did – but he might as well act the part and try. After all, Frumpkin pretended to sleep, curled in a ball at his hip. He absentmindedly stroked the cat’s fur, comforted now rather than disturbed, as he was initially, by the cool to the touch fur. He tried to focus on the feeling, willing all of his consciousness into his hand, in a feeble attempt to stop the thoughts.

Caleb thought he could stand the sleepless nights if they weren’t accompanied by the thoughts. At this point, when Frumpkin’s comfort failed, he would usually pull out a book and try to read until he quite literally passed out of exhaustion. But he only had a few books in his current possession and he had read them so many times that their bindings were falling apart. Besides, he already had them memorized after his first reading, so the re-reads were largely futile. He feared he’d soon get desperate enough that he’d ask to borrow Tusk Love from Jester –or, more likely, ask Nott to nip it from her, as he wasn’t sure if he could stand Jester’s likely attempts to engage in enthusiastic conversation about how ‘dreamy’ Oskar was. But since he hadn’t degraded himself to this decision yet, reading was out of the question. And so the thoughts came, relentless and unrestrained.

Caleb knew they didn’t trust him. He didn’t begrudge them for this, because he didn’t trust them either – he didn’t trust anyone. What did bother him was that they probably didn’t like him, because while Caleb was still weary of their motivations, he liked him all. Fjord was so charismatic, in a commanding way that didn’t reek of power hungry authority. Beau was too inquisitive for his comfort, but she was so full of life and vigor that only youthful optimism can provide. Jester was privileged but she was also sweet and weird and didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought about her and gave him stale pastries. Molly was nonchalantly the most charming person he’d ever met. Yasha was mysterious and reclusive, but in a way that made people drawn to her rather than distrustful. And Nott, sweet Nott the Brave who had shown her bravery time and time again but thought she had none. He liked them all, but he knew the feeling wasn’t mutual. How could it be?

He had tried to keep his distance from them. He knew sticking with them was best for his survival: in only a few short weeks of knowing them, he had already made more gold than he had ever seen in his life. But while a physical closeness was necessary, that didn’t mean he had to get emotionally close. He couldn’t. So, he had tried to play it cool, just present himself as the poor wizard who could benefit the others and not cause any trouble.

But then the priest had burned.

No, he wouldn’t think about it again. He couldn’t think about it again. The thoughts kept instinctually surfacing but he repeatedly pushed them down. The hand that was petting Frumpkin grew more and more frantic, until Frumpkin woke up, sensing Caleb’s was distress. The spirit cat shifted positions and started kneading Caleb’s thigh, grounding him. Caleb breathed in time with the kneading, grateful that Frumpkin was a cat again. When he had been a bird he attempted to hop on Caleb’s arm and, granted, it elicited a chuckle from Caleb, but did not have the desired effect. Eventually he calmed down by focusing on Frumpkin’s paws pushing into his side and gave him a scratch on the head, telling him that he could go back to his pseudo-sleep again.

He sighed shakily, turning onto his side away from Nott’s squeaky snores and occasional worried mumblings in her sleep. He was worried about her, but the worry was oddly comforting in a way. He hadn’t cared for someone in a very, very long time and it was a refreshing change to worry about someone other than himself. When he was thinking about her, he wasn’t think about what he had seen, what he had done. What he was…

No. Pushing those thoughts down again, for what felt like the hundredth time that hour, he tried thinking about tomorrow’s events. He was anxious about working with a revolutionary group but had early on decided that if anything went even the slightest bit sideways, he would be gone before they knew it. He’d try to take Nott with him, of course, and that might complicate things a bit, but he was sure they could manage it. Maybe they needed a new group soon anyways. He would be sorry to lose this one, since they were so clearly competent and a veritable money pot of their own, and, despite his better judgment, he had started to really like them. But he also craved that immediate relief he felt whenever he entered a new place where no one knew him. Somehow, he suspected the loss would outweigh the relief for the first time since – well, for the first time in a long time. But he sure as hell wasn’t getting caught up in a revolution gone awry. So, if he needed to, he would disappear, as he always did. In the absence of the ability to disappear completely, to not exist or exist as Frumpkin did, he’d simply go away, vanish into a new town, a new place.

With time, he could probably forget Fjord’s smile, strangely devoid of tusks, seemingly sincere but with a slight forced edge that only someone as well versed in deception as he was could notice. He’d forget the way Beau’s eyes lit up with enthusiasm every time they decided on a new path to take or found something that promised adventure in the future. He’d forget Jester’s laughter, laughter than never got caught in the throat or tried to cover something up, laughter that was pure and gleeful and full of joy. He’d forget Molly, all of wondrous, weird Molly who unsettled him in the best way possible, who made him want to see colours in the world again.

He hoped he never had to try to forget Nott.

His companions were forever solidified in his memory simply because he had seen them. His memory wouldn’t let him forget a face. But he’d try. He had to try. He told himself he could barely remember his face anymore, even though he every time he closed his eyes he could see it as if he had just turned away from him.

The one thing he took comfort in is that they would forget him.

#critical role #caleb widogast #critical role fic #i wrote this last night when i was sad and hating myself a lot so uhhh projection happened lmao #god okay sorry putting it under a read more somehow made the punctuation funky so i had to get rid of it #sorry for this long ass post on ur dash lmao

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