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not at all self dxing but I do relate with many ocd symptoms and I am heavily considering emdr to work on it or at least figure out the root of why this fear has affected my life since I was in middle school..
EMDR may have been a terrible route for processing personal (redacted) trauma, but maybe it can help me with my obsessive and intense fear that I am secretly (redacted) and that I have evil eyes and Im not allowed to ever look at people and developing phobias of specific people for no reason at all and not being to attach a pattern or reason to why my brain chooses random people and says "you are a danger to this random ass person at your job!! Or this random person at college (not that I go anymore but yeah). You are not allowed to speak nor even look at them!!! But yet the nervous system will also make your legs feel shaky and heavy like stones so that you cannot even walk right and its super noticeable, like semi paralyzation. For no reason ^-^ because you are soooo scared that u are a danger to them...
My brain doesnt discriminate either. It can be a man in his 40s, a woman around my age, or a random cashier thats still in HS. My brain chooses a random person and convinces me for that reason that I am bad and need to avoid that person bc they are fragile and even looking at them can hurt them. Thats what I mean when I say I don't understand why its happening .....
I hope emdr can help me undig this or better yet help me not live this irrational fear anymore. Bc rationally ik Im not evil, my eyes dont hurt anyone and Im allowed to talk to people at work
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spoilers for the ballad of songbirds and snakes movie down below!! but i just need to talk abt this in xtreme detail before i explode
1. i really liked the Baby Snow / Tigris inclusion. i was wondering if they’d include the cannibal scene
2. the beginning was just a straight up thirst trap sorry. like ik in the book snow was freaking out over his shirt but it didn’t rlly occur to me that he’d be butt booty naked. im not complaining bc i said it once and i’ll fucking say it again: i’m not watching someone be manipulative AND ugly for two fucking hours. it was just kinda a jump scare
3. also another concern was that you wouldn’t be able to tell how shitty of a person he was since he’s so outwardly nice but his internal monologue is slimy and ratworthy, so i thought they’d do the things movies do where he’s narrating his thoughts to the audience. yk like “hey persephone! <3. how are you??” and then his voiceover is like “i fucking hate this bitch. cannibalistic weirdo” but maybe that would have been too humorous
4. speaking of humor i actually loved lucky so fucking much. he rlly emulated the whole “what i lack in experience i make up for in personality :)” thing and just he kinda carried the fact that everything abt televising the games was so new. also that scene at the zoo where lucy gray asked him who the fuck he even was and the cameraman started laughing.. funny as fuck. enjoyed that part immensely
5. also she did in fact correct them that her name was lucy gray and not just lucy
6. loved the whole “how come she gets a mender” “MENTOR” part i’m also glad they kept that in
7. let’s go back to the beginning. i LOVE how closely they stuck to the book when it came to the shirt scene “that must be why it reminds me of my maids bathroom” THATS what i’m talking about
8. also clemensia is sooo pretty. one thing that irritated me was how OFTEN she and snow kept glancing over at each other during dean highbottom’s speech. like i know i’m being irrational abt this but most the time she would look over at him and he would NOT look back (or vice versa) instead of them BOTH hitting each other w the “what the fuck?” glance and something abt that did admittedly grind my gears
9. fucking love sejanus’ actor the first movie i saw him in was west side story and he ate here
10. speaking of that… coral fucking ate too every single scene i was on her side she was the victor to ME
11. anyway let’s go back a bit with the proposal gaul had snow (and clemensia) write up. to me, the way the scene unfolded was weird. it was supposed to show a contrast between clemensia mourning and snow not rlly giving a fuck, but clemenisa being the one saying “give me the bullet points” was strange. to me, i feel like the convo should have gone like: “how could gaul expect us to write that proposal i was crying over arcchane all night” “dw i already wrote it” “where did you find the time? i was too busy grieving” “do you want the bullet points or not?” or something. idk i’m not a movie writer
12. why did clemensia stick her hands in there maybe it was the same in the book but at that point she just needed to admit defeat
13. okay one thing i DO remember about the book is that no one at the cornocupia fought each other, reaper was literally the only one ready to fight. that kinda pissed me off bc i feel like they could have made it interesting in a emotional way (like showing how desperate the tributes are to escape in their own ways) instead of an action sort of way (bc GODDAMN where did they learn to brawl like that?? d4 makes sense but some of them were shooting ARROWS katniss everdeen style). but again im not a movie person so “interesting in an emotional way” is just me being pretentious
14. wovey </3. i’m not rlly sure why they had dill drink the water i think having wovey drink it like in the book would have packed more of a punch ESPECIALLY since lucy gray makes a comment abt how she reminds her of maude ivory / that scene where wovey holds her hand. maybe that was in the book too tho i’m not sure i haven’t read it since it came out. one change that i did remember AND tolerated was snow being the one to cause the whole fuck up w the drones “i wasn’t attacking the other tributes—i was just sending her water” VERY good scene, gave more insight to his character imo. like yes i would have loved a d3 moment but i think this tweak not only made sense but made everything much more nice and neat and smooth
15. okay the singing parts. loved the reaping, but lucy gray constantly being like “give me a second, boys” “let’s go, boys” reminded me of that one delaney video
16. “you can kiss my ass!!!!!!” she ate that
17. also oooo the song she sang abt billy taupe that made snow jealousssss. she was so good like ugh. idk something abt the >:( faces she made ignited something in me. which is exactly the point of lucy gray and rachel zegler literally did such a fantastic job playing maria in west side story so tbh what we were expecting if anyone could have played this role it was her
18. and then lawrence whatever saying this was a love story… okay. i’ve always had the opinion that lucy gray genuinely liked snow (like in a stockholm-y way) BUT snow was too blinded by control to actually love her back, so i could see where he was coming from. with that being said, i feel like in the books snow had a lot more moments where he was doing / saying “sweet” things to lucy gray, so the scene where they almost kissed and then her happiness at being reunited with him just seemed so awkward and out of place. like i get it they truly did not spend that much time together but the kiss before the arena was so important idk why they left it out. when they kissed after being reunited and when she was like :D after seeing him in 12 i was like “uhh yall don’t even know each other like that calm down”
19. let’s go back the arena. i like the little nod of lucy gray killing treech w rat poison, even if it was kinda anticlimactic
20. speaking of anticlimatic… the ending? sucked. like it would have been abrupt either way and maybe i’m just misremembering but the lucy gray showdown with treech could have been the action scene that replaced the bloodbath (bc the bloodbath didn’t exist back then!!! that was the whole point!!!). also i don’t remember gaul being so adamant about not wanting a victor at all, but i understand why they did that bc how else would they have incorporated the “get her out” chant
21. there were a lot of scenes that made me go “ohhh i wanna remember this forever that’s so good and clever.” of course i forgot abt most of it by the time the movie was over, but one scene that stuck out to me was when the capitol students got rlly fuckin angry when reaper tore down their flag
22. also i knew what happened to marcus but tell me why i gasped when i saw him hanging there anyway
23. i don’t remember lamina crying in the books??? also don’t understand why snow was against the alliance here i think him being confused abt it in the book was better bc i when i read it i remember being genuinely surprised that he was surprised that lucy gray wanted to team up w someone i was like ummm isn’t that common sense
24. “it isn’t fair i killed all those ppl for nothing.” GOOSEBUMPS
25. again maybe i’m misremembering but didn’t snow beat the shit out of bobbin even after he already knew he was dead?? even if that wasn’t the case and i’m just misremembering i feel like they should have drawn that out more to show snows descent into Psychotic Bitch Mode
26. that scene where billy taupe was pulling at lucy grays skirt and being like “ik u missed me” dragged out for WAY too long, esp since lucy gray kept repeating “get off me, billy taupe. get off me” like WAY too calmly given the context of the situation. again im not a movie person AT ALL, but i think her snapping and kicking billy taupe away could have been a nod to how she bit his hand in the book. then, after she kicked him, snow could have arrived and started being the shit out of him. idk her biting billy taupe was something snow mentioned when he was justifying how he was gonna kill her, so idk. i thought they were gonna do a ranting sequence / flashback scenes with snow remembering how lucy gray was “violent” / “dangerous” that would trigger him (no pun intended) to actually start shooting. like him beating up billy taupe for a longer time than he needed to was also an indicator that he’s in Psychotic Bitch Mode, but i feel like it could have been a 2-in-1. if that makes sense
27. why did billy taupe push mayfair in the TITS. go to hell
28. said it before and i’ll say it again: lucy gray is a fashion icon. i wanna crochet her bathing suit so bad
29. that scene where they were going to the woods and snow was slapping away the mosquito omg. he was PISSED
30. “it’s a mystery. just like me” oh my fucking god i love rachel zeglers portrayal of lucy gray
31. also call me classist but i fucking hate country music but rachel zeglers performances might have converted me. “cant take my paaaaaast” yee yee!
32. okay. so i think a big question was if snow was portrayed as properly slimy and ratworthy to ppl who did NOT read the books. in my opinion, i don’t think so. in the books, you can obviously tell he’s fucking awful. in the movies, he’s obviously shitty too, but i feel like there are moments where he’s portrayed way kinder than he actually is, like when he started crying over sejanus. they kept in a lot of stuff he said sympathizing w the tributes (like the part in the book where he was like “how could they punish marcus for trying to escape from certain death?” BUT they DID leave out parts that made him so intolerable, like when he genuinely convinced himself that lucy gray was more capitol than district / his gross thoughts abt the games and control and possessiveness in general. like remember when he said that having lucy gray locked up in the capitol was a better alternative than her being in d12 bc at least he’d know where she was at all times?? or when he was ready to give up on trying to reunite w her bc it was hot asf and SENJAUS had to be the one to convince him to keep going? wtf
33. ALSO something that bugged the hell out of me is sejanus’ death scene. bc in the book his last words were ma BUT in the movie it sounded so much like he said pa. idk if that was just me tho but it caught me so off guard bc this man has DADDY ISSUES and it would be so different if he said pa. Pa is money and wealth, Ma is comfort and compassion. wanting his dad = he rlly just wanted his dad to bail him out. wanting his ma = wanting comfort and stability. but it sounded a lot more like ma when the jabberjays repeated everything back so maybe i just misheard
34. snow glaring at the rainbow fucking sent me i know his ass was brainstorming (no pun intended) on how to control the fucking weather
35. okay sorry i need to talk more about how snow was portrayed. my sister went w me but i did not know that she didn’t know ANYTHING about the movie, she was just coming w me bc she felt bad that i’d have to wait another week to watch it and decided that she wasn’t even gonna read a summary abt it. like she did not know that coriolanus snow = president snow, but i was still hoping that she knew that he was a bad person. nope. as soon as we left, she told me how much she hated the ending, and i thought it was bc she was pissed no one found out about snow. nope again. in her words, “i thought they’d get married”
my live reaction to that information
to be fair, when i was her age, i thought heathers was a love story, so i had to cut her some slack. after a bit of INTERROGATION, this is what she told me:
1. at least she thought that HE’D move in with HER, and not the other way around
2. what would be his motivation for moving to the districts? cos obviously he hated the capitol
okay me when i write a lucy gray / sejanus fanfiction. but still. if that’s what she got from the portrayal of his character, i think it’s safe to say that they could have done a lot more work to ensure that he was perfectly ratworthy to the audience. like yes she’s young and yes she had no idea what the fuck was going on (in her words: “yeah i was like ‘i’ll just ask u to explain it to me after’”) but i feel like knowing that he’s an awful person who hates the district should be something u make GLARINGLY obvious, even if it would be cheesy. i know that shoving a hot person on screen and downplaying their characters HEINOUS crimes is rlly common when it comes to things like this, but i genuinely don’t think that was (quite) the case here. like he had the potential of being as horrible as he is in the book (not even hesitating to send the jabberyjay recording of sejanus to the capitol, telling sejanus he only said all that shit abt changing the world bc he just wanted to save his own ass) but it just.. felt very half-assed. in my opinion
36. look i know this post is already xtremely long but would u believe me if i said there were more things i wanted to talk abt but can’t remember bc i have goldfish memory?? bc i do. but that’s all i can remmeber for now. goodnight and goodbye
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so like not really a kinfession but kinda wanna know if how im feeling abt this is valid (no pressure to respond if u guys dont want to btw!)
so my bf and i are planning on making a comic based around our "sonas" (idk what else to call them), but how these came to be was us literally drawing ourselves how we see ourselves essentially. like for me, im demonkin, so i just drew how i remember myself and then projected all my memories to this "character" and i think my bf did something really similar to that when making his, so basically we are these characters and they are us
after a while we added aspects to them that dont reflect memories (such as the two of them dating) but more so reflect us CURRENTLY, as well as some random things that just make sense and these "sonas" became very important to us and huge parts of ourselves (naturally, since we are them)
now wed love to do this and possibly post the series on tumblr and/or another site as a nice project between the two of us but thats when my bf realized: what if people kin them? and it kinda made us uncomfortable thinking about it since its based off our own otherkin experiences and that theyre literally us
so basically what id like to know is if itd be wrong to ask people to not make fan works (if it gets popular) and tag them as kin and stuff? weve seen people mark stuff with that and so thats why i planned on doing that, but do u think people would understand our discomfort? ik people cant help kins, but id feel a lot more comfortable if people didnt make it comfortable they're whole public identity based around one of us or used our work as face claims and stuff. am i being irrational or is this understandable?? (sorry if any of this sounds repetitive im kinda nervous lol)
the thing is, if this does get popular (and thats a big if- i dont mean that as an insult you truly cannot predict these things) yes there will be issues. youre not being Irrational, and i understand where ur coming from but im *in* the same community as you & kin also. if this gets popular, there are inevitably going to be people who dont understand and ignore that boundary, because you cant exactly stop people from doing that once smth gets big. theres a difference between like, asking someone to not kin tag an art post vs not kin from a Popular Piece Of Media, yk? it wouldnt be a wrong thing to ask for no. but if youre ok w the possibility that this could blow up ur gonna have to realize that you cant control an entire fanbase that closely and what ur afraid of is likely to happen. tldr i think this is understandable but im not just the average consumer that doesnt have the full story
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