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xoxo-nikki-xoxo · 3 years

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Heart throbbier pt.1

Stefan Salvatore X Female reader

Requested by: Anonymous.

“can you write a Stefan Salvatore smut, where the reader is Klaus' adopted human daughter and everyone is downstairs and Stefan is fucking y/n, and since Stefan has a daddy kink, he hits a spot inside her, which makes her scream 'daddy!' then Klaus runs up to her room bashing the door open and finds Stefan in there and then it’s all Stefan and y/n vs the Mikaelsons since they don't like Stefan.”

Word Count: 2.4 K

Authors note I had a lot of fun writing his pt.1! I really enjoyed this prompt so much I’m going to write a pt.2 in Stefan’s point of view. I hope you guys enjoy is as much as I do! Also, as a side note I think this is one of the longest imagines I have ever posted. Sorry not sorry!

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Standing on your balcony you realized just how much of a beautiful night it was in New Orleans. The sounds of music and people talking downstairs echoed throughout the compound. But you could not bring yourself to attend the party your family was hosting tonight. All you could think about was you long distance boyfriend, Stefan Salvatore. It has been about half a year sense you father uprooted you again to move back to New Orleans.

Ever sense you started to walk, your life was a constant move. Your father, Klaus Mikaelson, constantly kept on your toes growing up. When you moved to Mystic falls, he had promised you a home there. That you could finally settle down, go to public school and be a normal human teenager. That changed though once you met a Stefan. It got worse when over time though, Klaus could never live a peaceful life. Wither he was trying to sire hybrids, dealing with his daggered siblings, or your “Favorite” when he tortured some of you newly found friends (Mystic falls gang) you had made at high school.

Sense Klaus had caught wind about Hayley and the baby you’ve been here ever sense. Sadly, though your father is not impressed with Stefan and you dating. In the words of your great father, he had exiled Stefan from ever stepping a foot onto New Orleans soil. If he had it, his way Stefan probably could never come to Louisiana.

Sighing you looked up at the sky watching as the stars twinkle. Maybe Stefan was watching the stars where he was at. You missed him so much the long distance was killing you. Even worse with an unaccepting family.

“You know, you look prettier when you smile” It was a voice you recognized oh so well.

Looking down a smile broke out on your face “What are you doing here? Stefan my da- “You whispered/yell at him.

“I’m here to see you. I thought tonight would be the perfect night to come visit you. You said it yourself, your family is distracted right now with the party they are throwing. *Jumps onto the balcony with you* They wont even know I was here. Ill be gone before the party ends” Stefan says smiling his hand goes to your cheek “Six months have been way to long” He says before kissing you.

“We’re going to get caught Stefan...” You whispered wrapping your arms around his neck.

“They won’t, the party so loud I bet no vampire or hybrid will be able to hear up here” he told you watching your eyes sparkle as you gaze up at him.

“I can’t believe you’re here” You whispered to him. You needed this. Him being here its what you needed. The distance, and stress was killing you inside.

“of course, I am” He whispered to you. He moved his hand to you cheek to cup it. “I missed touching your skin so much. I can’t put to words how much I missed you. Damon was begging me to shut up about you” His chuckle echoing throughout your ears.

“Oh my god, Damon! I miss everyone so much. Especially Caroline, did I tell you she writes letters to me keeping me “up to data” with the drama” You smile taking his hand from your cheek guiding him into your room.

“I’m not surprised, she fought hard trying to get your father to let you stay with her. “He comments, his eyes though focused on looking around your room. Artwork hung on your walls, pictures of family and your friends from Mystic falls.

“I never thought you would have kept this picture” he says grabbing the picture of him and you kissing during Christmas.

“of course, I did its one of my favorites on this wall” You commented wrapping your arms around him.” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact you are here…even though you shouldn’t. I just have a bad feeling something terrible is going to happen Stefan” You said laying your head on his arm.

Smiling he wrapped his arms around you “Nothings going to happen, the only thing that will happen is me kissing my girlfriend” he says kissing you again. But this time the kiss has more need in it. You missed each other in more than one way. He was your first, ever sense that day you’ve both been addicted to each other.

One thing led to another and you ended up on your bed. Your hips straddling Stefan kissing him. Both of you topless as you were getting lost in each other euphoria’s. His hands were rested on your hips helping you as you grinded yourself down on him. Removing your hands from him you reach back taking your bra off letting your breast free.

A low groan can be heard coming from Stefan’s throat. “Fuck y/n” he moaned again opening his eyes to flip you over, so he was in the middle of your legs now. He had sat up starting to remove the remainder of both of your cloths. Then here you both where staring into each other’s eyes as his manhood was lined up to your perky hole.

“please Ste- “

“that’s not my name baby girl.”

“Daddy please…. I need you so badly” you whined spreading your legs further apart for him.

“your wish is my command my princess” he says and with that he plunges himself inside of you without a warning.

You missed all the feeling you were feeling right now. You could only do so much with only your fingers. But this was pure heaven the way he worked on you he knew everything. And with how good this felt you could tell he missed you just as much, or maybe even more.

“I missed this pussy so fucking much. I’m never going to leave you again you hear me. I’m going to find a way to rescue you from your family” He moans to you as his thrusts pick up some pace.

“AHHH DADDY don’t stop!” You moan out loudly, the sound of the bed banging against the wall echoing all the way down to the party, but you didn’t care anymore. All you could think about was Stefan and how he was making you feel. He was everywhere, his kiss traveling all around your body. The way his hips rammed into yours it was addicting like ecstasy.

“I’m close daddy” You moaned out pulling at the dirty blonde’s hair.

“Then cum with me baby” He whispered into your ear. He was throbbing inside you. As soon as your walls started to clench around him that when both of you cumed.

Panting you laid down on the bed covering up with a thin sheet as Stefan stood up putting his boxers on.

“Y/N?!” You could hear your father. Your worst nightmare was about to come true.

“Stefan you have to- “You tried to warn but it was to late. Your door flew off the hinges revealing your father, uncles, and aunt.

“Klaus wait I can explain” Stefan says trying to calm him down before everything escalates.

“well, surprising to see you here Stefan?” Klaus began. It was all a blur from there. Klaus had Stefan up against the wall, his forearm on his neck pushing him into the wall while holding his arm behind his back. Elijah was next to him.

“Dad don’t!” You yelled wrapping the sheet around your body as you stood up.

“Why should I? You blatantly disrespect me and your whole family! And as for Stefan he is good as dead Y/N! I have told you countless times that Stefan Salvatore is no good for you!” he yelled putting more pressure on to his neck.

“I should bring him downstairs and execute him in front of everyone. Make a display of what happens when people don’t take my threats seriously” Klaus spat out wrapping his forearm around Stefan’s neck to move him now so you can see him.

“Elijah please! Don’t let him do this to me!” You begged standing up trying to reason with him to convince Klaus to reconsider. But Rebekah held you back standing in your way of Stefan. Stefan was trying to wrestle his way out of Klaus hold, but sadly the hybrid was stronger.

“You know the consequence of your actions y/n, and the turmoil that him and his friends have caused this family. You’re lucky that he was still alive after the things he pulled. I have to agree with Niklaus on this “Elijah said not daring to look you into your eyes though.

“Well, we better get going so we are not holding the party up” Klaus says.

“Rebekah pleaseee… Don’t let him do this to me. You of all people should understand the pain and torture of having them kill someone you love. Please, don’t let them put me through the same pain. I cannot deal with the thought of him being dead because he loves the wrong girl… Please Rebekah save him for me” You pleaded grabbing ahold of your aunts arm as tears streamed down your face. You needed to save Stefan, he needed to be alive. Your words clicked inside of Rebekah’s head. She always says that girls need to stick together. Plus, you were right, she couldn’t let her baby niece feel the same pain her brothers had inflicted on her so many times throughout the thousand years they have been alive. Looking into her sweet nieces eyes she let you go turning to face her brothers.

With that she looked at Elijah first snaping his neck so he would be out of the situation. She could only deal with one brother at a time.

“What have you done Rebekah” Klaus spoke in a state of disbelief at her snaping Elijah’s neck.

“Nik! You can’t do this to her! Take it from the girl that loves to easily, Y/N will resent you for the rest of her human life if you kill Stefan. There has to be another way you can punish both without just murdering him!” Rebekah says standing in front of Klaus as he read his sister.

“what are they going to say if I don’t kill him. *gestures to the party going on downstairs*He blatantly chose not to listen to me when I said to stay away from my daughter” Klaus argues looking at Rebekah.

“Who cares what those people think Klaus! We are talking about your daughter boyfriend. You are the king of New Orléans! But you kill Stefan now you will lose your daughter with him. Shell hate and resent you” Rebekah yells out to him as she threw her hands up in the air. Klaus looked at you then, the tears that streamed down your face. Your heart racing, your body shaking at how scared you were. You feared Klaus in that moment, and that’s what broke him.

“Fine you win this one Rebekah. I will spare his life for Y/N. But I only have one condition” Klaus says still holding onto Stefan preventing him from moving.

“Y/N I love you” Stefan mouthed to you as he tried to break free of Klaus’s hold one more time.

“Anything if it keeps this pour girl from witnessing what I have far too many times” Rebekah says.

Klaus nodded his head, ramming Stefan into the wall again. His hand grabbing onto Stefan’s face the other on his chest to keep him still. Staring into Stefan’s eyes he said “You will forget about ever loving my daughter. You will only know her as Klaus Mikaelson daughter and with that you know not to come near her. All the feeling of love and happiness with her you will now know as unpleasant and awkwardness. You will understand that you will never be enough for her. You don’t deserve her and never will. You will remember nothing about her whereabouts since she left. And when you return home you will tell everyone that you came to speek to me about past issues. But when it comes to y/n you said hi to her and that was it. You will return home and never look back.” Klaus says letting his face go as the compulsion takes control.

“Father no!” You yelled; Rebekah had to hold you again.

“Now my old friend, what do you think about my daughter” Klaus asks looking at him.

“She is a nice person, but she’s Klaus’s daughter.” He says with a hint of distaste in his voice.

“very good, now leave my house the way you came” Klaus says pointing to the balcony. Stefan nodded his head putting his shirt and shoes back on before he disappeared off the balcony.

“How could you?” You asked looking at Klaus as you were hysterical. “You might as well have killed him making him forget about me!” You screamed as the tears kept flowing down your face.

“Ill talk to you tomorrow morning. Better get some rest angel” Klaus says helping Elijah out of the room as he regained his composure.

Once your father and uncle left the room Rebekah had let you go. It pained her to see you so upset. You got dressed again once everything settled down. But you were numb inside.

“Ill stay with you for the rest of the night Y/N if you want. I don’t want to leave you alone while you are in this state” Rebekah says sitting down on the bed next to you as you just stared off into the balcony blankly.

“Do as you please… I just want this day to be over” You mumbled turning your back on her as you laid down curled up with a pillow that Stefan gave you.

“Well than, Im going to take that as an invitation to spend the night with you” Rebekah said moving closer to you. You turned to face her then wrapping your arms around her to cry into her shoulder.

“There there… we will fix this one way or the other” Rebekah whispered to you as she consulted you the rest of the night intel you had fallen asleep.

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#tvd #the vampire diaries #Stefan Salvatore #The Salvatore Brothers #stefan salvatore imagine #stefan salvatore smut #stefan salvatore fluff #stefan salvatore reader #the originals #niklaus mikaelson #elijah mikaelson #rebekah mikaelson #family vs love #mystic falls gang

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macklives · 5 years

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session 63 end

okayyy. neat-fucking-o. thats done and boy OH FUCKING BOY i have a lot to say. and this is going to get mildly serious. sorry. theres a lot to uncover this session which basically is just one huge overall plot point. the whole timeline shindig. the thing that has messed me up for a few hours ngl.

man.... this is gonna be a long one. im not even exaggerating. (still, a tldr at the end)

so, the main thing besides from the time shindig plot, which is both important and essential and precious: DAVESPRITE <3

k cool. ill expand on that throughout this whole note, but would rather like to make a whole analogy first before i do so.

so, to start off from last session, dave went back in time to fix jade and john’s death.

but i guess, from what ive read, GC never realized what she did was bad. she basically screwed everyone over and dave had to go back to fix things, which yes, does sound bad. but honestly? i dont think she really realized how bad it was until davesprite had the talk with her. and now they are both friends i take it, shocking development. but thats between davesprite, rather than dave himself so there may be two different views on how he sees GC. anyways, it was pretty bad. i wont just forget that. i love her character but she killed off two characters (who thankfully are now alive), making dave a sprite and future rose to just not exist anymore. or... well.... she does, but she seemed to have fused with PRESENT rose. which i guess we’ll figure out how that works the next time we see her. which will probably be on derse.

but, tbh, GC wanted to apologize and felt bad about the whole situation. so im giving her the benefit of the doubt here.

now.. man...

can i take a second to analyze davesprite? and a little bit about the concept of john/dave’s friendship (just a tad)? ie the two greatest things in the world? thanks.

i think the thing that hit me the hardest was how davesprite (im calling him that to distinguish which dave im talking about but keep in mind i should be calling them both dave. but this makes it easier to write up.) well, davesprite explained how he’d continue to reset the timeline until john and jade are alive. which basically means he would use himself as a sacrifice to allow their survival. which ALSO means he cares more for them than he does himself. he’d throw his life away for them. he knew there was a possibility of him ceasing to exist if they reset the timeline again. he literally said it in such a nonchalant way that it makes me wonder how much his friends really mean to him. which in retrospect, is a lot. now pls keep this in mind for the next part.

now, dave also has so much appreciation towards himself. but not in the cocky way, of course. rather in the way that shows self love?? kinda?? like he genuinely wanted to hang with davesprite, brainstorm his comic and vice versa bc they both think their alt version is that cool. i know it should sound kinda narcissistic, but listen. a lot of people dont often appreciate themselves for who they are. and what i really want to emphasize on that here, is that this comes back to the whole putting himself before others thing. because that specific line i mentioned before is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. since dave thinks so highly of himself as a cool guy, rad dude, arent we so awesome type kid that he LITERALLY didnt care for his life in that one hot second. he made sure he was a pawn used to help out his friends rather than an actual human being who should worry about his life as well. he didnt care if he survived or not in the process of making sure everything was going alright. which is such a fucking leap from this whole self-respecting thing. its as if that didnt matter anymore. and that takes a fucking beating. that shows how much dave truly loves his friends. do you know how fucking BIG THAT WHOLE DEAL IS?

take john for example. dave didnt give two shits who the person on the other line was. he found out GC was the troll who killed john and basically threatened her with every inch of his life to make her back away from him. he knew what it would cause and said “fuck you” in bright and bold. all because he didnt want to see his friend die again. which? fair enough. and if we look back at the last session, god that could mess someone up. especially someone as young as 13. rose even got the worst end of the stick bc she flat out ceased to exist. but then again, thats in the same boat as jade/john. bc they all technically died. yet davesprite didnt. he remembers it. davesprite isnt just going to forget. he’s going to have surviver’s guilt for a long time, because being dave’s guide will forever be a reminder that he’s the version in the doomed timeline. he’s the only one who knows what happened, and he wont become the “true dave” in a sense that he’s now just considered “davesprite” and nothing more, since he cant just be dave since his timeline ended up fucked. not to mention he technically said he was fine with it, bc since it meant the others survived, he wouldnt care what happened to his life. even tho he should and it still probably hurts him idk. and that kills me a little. actually, more than a little. this is personally the most gut wrenching scene in homestuck (but i may just be speculating too much). but that wont stop him from helping dave and giving him all the answer, and also protecting john with everything he has.

and, man, i feel as if he’s gonna be such a good guide for dave. he already gave him the loot, the rundown and is very open about questions dave already has because he knows how tough it probably is to have a shitty guide. considering he was stuck with calsprite for 4 months. so obviously he’s going to help as much as possible. since he probably had little to none and didnt learn as much as he should have through the course of sburb. but now, as a guide, he can easily access all the info he lost during the pathway of his timeline. and share it with dave so he doesn’t struggle and actually completes the game rather than end up in a doomed timeline like himself.

but yes. dave’s blatant adoration for john basically saved them both in a way. and it seems as if its a little mutual considering john told dave he’d always believe him no matter what in the end. how he reconsidered everything, remembered the note and realized how good their friendship is to just give it up like that. and then vice versa. dave couldnt continue on the game without him or jade, so he went back in time. and showed his pissed-off protective side in order to save john again. which warms my heart bc they both mean so much to each other. and both got each other super sentimental gifts and wrote each other such touching cards.

and thats a good way to end the session, i think.

so there we have it. ive never wanted to hug a character so bad than i do with davesprite. i just hope everyone at least acknowledges him in some way, and gives him some amount of respect for what he did for everybody. ive only met him for like 10 pages, but i think he’s the most emotional character so far. and i guess since he’s dave himself, and i feel for dave based on his situation with bro, its safe to say i would protect him with my life. which i dont want to be *that* person but hey, its true. its just that he’s been through so much bullshit, and davesprite is the only survivor of his timeline, always will be reminded of it whenever he sees dave/john/rose/jade playing the game, is now a fucking sprite who wont be able to live his own path but just be a guide and god, i feel for him. i really do.

i shouldnt have written such a long note about davesprite.. but his whole story as to how he became a thing really got to me, alright?

i should write a tldr, cool. here yall go; i actually love davesprite, he’s been through some shit and he deserves hells of respect. GC is forgiven and we’ll find out next time how both version of rose.. fused together?

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #hs63 #hs63 end

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archivedatl · 17 years

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AP web exclusive: All Time Low tour diary

Posted by Scott Heisel on 08-Dec-06 @ 04:43 PM

Last month, Baltimore pop-punkers All Time Low took to the road with Sugarcult for a series of shows on the West Coast. Here's some of what they saw, in words and pictures. Learn more at www.alltimelow.com.

#1------------------------------------------------------------ Ooohooo So last night we celebrated two awesome occasions...well 3 since matt's molars finally grew in...anyways yesterday was Haloween and our first night of our tour with Sugarcult. I must say, it is pretty strange touring with a band who I spent the better years of my middle school life watching on MTV. Regardless of where this band has been, it definetly didn't eff with their personalities. They were all super nice to us and each came up and introduced themselves. The show went pretty well but it wasn't a good judgement of our the whole tour is going to be because Sugarcult didn't even headline, the Eagles Of Death Metal did, and the tickets for $25 on Haloween night :) I'm sorry but I would never go to a show if those were the circumstances...I'd be out expanding my collection of holiday treats. Tonight the 'real' tour begins so we will see how it goes. We are playing Washington State University in Pullman Washington. We haven't done too many college shows, so this should be interesting...anyways before we got on the road a couple days ago we were couped up in Ben Harper's (formely of yellowcard, now in amber pacific) house/studio in long beach, CA working on our new CD :). We demoed some hot licks that were going to send over to our producer matt squire so that he can put in some input. I heard my blogs are going to be posted on the Alternative Press website for this tour, so if that's the case then...helll yeah! Well I just woke up from sleeping in the van so I am gonna walk out into the freezing streets of Pullman, WA crack my back and grab some Qudoba. Much Love, Jack --jbstar #2------------------------------------------------------------ Yoo dooodds, So I'm gonna update you guys on the passed couple shows...on Wednsday we played Washington State University. Those kids are freaking crazy! Everyone seemed to be having a good time and we made some awesome new friends. I cannot stress enough, how cool the Sugarcult guys are. Which is really cool because I have been listening to those guys since 6th grade! Anyways before we played, matt thought it would be a good idea to have a fork and knife fight backstage...yeah it turned pretty ugly and we should have some footage online soon enough. That night we partied at 'The Christmas House'. Lets just say that I'm pretty sure alex made out with a dog...I really miss Hit The Lights :( Anways...we played Seattle after the college show and it was offf the hoooook. Everyone in the room was dancing and it got pretty redic. As soon as we told them the alex/dog story they went nuts. We met up with the Pink Spiders that night. We were nervous about that because we've heard some stuff...but for real those guys are the shit. There all super nice and we have no complaints about them. We have yet to tour with a band who we don't get along with (fingers crossed). We also heard that we may be doing a few shows with Cobra Starship in Dec, if that happends that would be sick. I'll keep you guys updated. Someone made us a bucket of the craziest donuts ive ever seen at the portland show last night!! They were reallly good. Sorry for the lack of pics, I'll make sure my next post has more, its just hard to take good pics on a sidekick :). Talk to you guys soon!!Jacko #3------------------------------------------------------------ Yo Babaayyss, Last nights show was off the hook! I love playing at The Boardwalk in orangevale calii. The crowd was as wild as usual and a bunch of kids were singing along. A lot of the same kids who saw us there on the Amber Pacific tour came back. Its always cool to see so many familiar faces,,,cough cough hint hint nudge...you get the idea folks! The next couple shows should be interesting...reno and vegas. I wont be able to gamble but at least ill be able to look at a lot of lights. We all have family comming out, so that should be exciting. I havent seen my brother and sister in ages and i know their gonna be wasted so that means they will be even more friendly :) Also Meg n Dia join up in vegas which is sick, SO SIKED FOR THAT!!! We met them on warped and their super nice. anyways i think its time, i go to In and Out because after this tour im not going to be able to go back for a while :( im going to eat there everyday twice a day until we leave Arizona. Ive attached pics from our set on the Epitaph stage at this years Bamboozle Left and also some pics of our acoustic set the 2nd day! Thanks to everyone who watched us either/both days :) love you peace peace n a bottle o' hair grease, jack #4------------------------------------------------------------ Wow...vegas has to be one of the strangest places on this earth. First of all we showed up in Reno (shity city) only to find that only sugarcults crew was there and the show probably wasnt going on. We were welcomed by a hooker in a pink tanktop and no teeth asking if we had any shirts we could give her...Thankfully we have power windows and middle fingers. Thankfully zack was asleep or he might have took her up on some of her offers...he's getting desperate you know..just kidding! Anyways we decided to hang out with sugarcults crew for a little then start the drive to vegas early since it was 8 house. We got to go over the Hoover Damn which was sweet. It's seriously Vegas Vacation all over again! Anyways, we got to vegas around midnight and it was a fantastic site! My bro and sis were staying at the MGM so thats where i headed. Rian to the Excalibur, Alex and Matt to the Venecian and Zack to the Luxor. We all split up and hung out with our fam for the evening. My brother took me around vegas and boyyy was it interesting. I was approached by numerous drunk people. It was basically like an Ocean City, Maryland for older people. It's just a place for adults to drink, walk around drunk, act like teenagers and maybe gamble a bit here n' there. it was Akward to say the least. Anyways the next day was the show at the House Of Blues at Mandalay Bay...probably one of the nicest venues we have ever played. We introduced ourselves to the Meg n Dia folks and got to know our new tour mates as we shared a dressing room. We soon found they are awesome people and they share a love for getting wild! The show was pretty cool, and the crowd was big. It was weird though because the merch was not in the venue, it was in the cassino haha. Anyways Vegas was an experience we wont forget, and I cant wait till we go there again. I hope the next time we go, were 21...actually nevermind because that would be three years :)stay rad, Jack #5------------------------------------------------------------ Lame! Tonight was our last show on the Sugarcult Tour featuring The Pink Spiders and Meg n Dia :( Damone will be taking our place on this great lineup. I am jelous that they get to join up! Anyways we made some lifetime friends on this tour and it was a great experience for everyone. Every single show was amazing and the fans never let us down. Traveling to bumfuck arizona and hearing a couple hundred kids sing your song is the coolest feeling ever. Sugarcult was very warming towards us and their personalities suprised the shit out of me. they were such cool guys and even when zack was sick they made him soup and gave him Emergen-C. WHO DOES THAT !?!? Thats like something my mom does...so in a way Sugarcult are our parents. They actually reffered to us as their younger brothers on stage. At the last show of the tour in Little Rock, Arkansas us and Meg n Dia ran on stage during "Bouncing Off the Walls" and started bouncing around and took over Tim's Guitar n Mic, Marko's (my twin) guitar and Airens Bass. It was so fun to bro down with a band that ive been listening to since middle school haha. Alex also got to soundcheck with sugarcult at Texas AM College because tim was at the hospital taking care of his sickness (i think he had a nasty cold). It was so crazy to see alex soundcheck with a band who for the past few years have held a special spot on my ipod and in my cd player :) I attached a pic of him sound-checking for fun. At the end of the show we said our goodbyes and gave our hugs. This is'nt the end of these friendships though, only the beggining...now we head home to write a new cd. Catch us on the road in the northeast in december when we head out with Cobra Starship! Stay safe, Jack

#2006 #blog #Jack Barakat #text #alternative press #all time low #sugarcult tour

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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

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Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

#delete later / /#maybe / /#mirena #mirena iud #iud #depo #depoprovera #birth control #menstruation #vent / /#pregnancy mention #negative / /#depression / /#tmi / /#long post

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hypnotized-by-your-name91 · 5 years

Text

JM, the things my hearts been needing to say...

there are a few things i have been meaning to tell you but i cant. i cant get myself to find the courage to text you... not because im afraid of what you will say but because i know you dont care about me or i how i feel anymore. i know you wont have anything to say. Its almost as ny thoughts are too much sometimes and i.have so much to say i lose track what i want to say. ill try to keep it simple but i dont know if i can - because you meant something to me. you mean something to me to the point four months later i cant shake the feelings...or feeling.

so here goes nothing.

first i wanted to say i have refound myself. im more in touch with myself than i ever have before. since i lost you i went on this whole self discovery. ive learned to love myself.

two. because of you i know im worthy. i know my worth and i really have become to love myself like always should have. i know i shouldn't be sexond best or on option.. never should i be the side.chick

three. i found out more of what i want out of a relationship..

four. what we had felt more real to me than anything ive ever had romantically woth anyone... even of i was on the side. you made me feel special. our 4 hour phone converstion really helpled ease the loneliness.

five. you put my heart back together but then you broke it all over again.

six. the the time we had something i waz trying to fix myself. i was trying to see how things went wrong with chris. i was trying to be more for you.

seven. i wanted to be all that you wanted me to be. i wanted to do things for us. for once i wanted to better my life for us. but in the back of my mind there wasnt an "us"... really.

eight. im sso very very sorry joe for not trying to out the pieces in my life together so i could be more stable for us.. the maybe "us". i keep thinking joe if i would have gotten my lisence or did this or did that.. and got more stable than you would have choosen me. i wanted it to be.

nine. Joe, im so so so so sorry for letting what we had become public. i keep thinking about over and over again. i ruined your trust.

ten. how could you just leave me like that?!?! like i nevet ever fucking mattered to you!!! how could you?!?!? after you yold me every day that you going anywhere.. do you know how heartbreaking that was to be close to you ine minute.. and then me completely nothing to you the next.. it fucking hurt...more than you will ever know.

eleven. some days i just fucking hate you.. i just fucking hate you. i wish i never met you.

twelve. i cried for weeks. no not just cried. i sobbed in my bed at night and during the day. the whole Christmas break... i knew by then i lost you.

thirteen. even when we were something.. i had horrible nights and i couldnt text or call you and it drove me nuts because i knew you would be able to calm me down. i needed you there, and you couldnt be because of her. because you never really wanted to be there toward the end. i would have nights where i were up late night crying my eyes out becuase id had a horrible fight with my friends and you were the person i wanted to turn too. i needed you there. but you had her. i needed you in my arms and hold me so tight like you always did.

fourteen. although shit hit the fan, and you dont care anymore. thank you, Joe. thank you for everything because what i went through you had made me so strong.

sixteen. having your arms around gave me a feeling i never wanted to lose. being able to just lay here in my bed and look into those beautiful green eyes of yours did something to me i cant explain. i felt something different with you. some how i made myself belive you felt the same

eighteen. i never thought id lose you but my heart knew all along. something always felt so wrong.

nineteen. i wish i were her. not in the sense of you cheating on her countless of times but the way you love her. i want you to love me like you love her.. or so if you do. i get jealous sometimes.. i really do but then again.. you are probably cheating on het again with someone else besides me so no.

twenty. if you so called love her then why did you make love to me, hold me, touch me, kiss me..ect..? i know she works nights and you feel lonley but thats not a reason to do that.

twenty-one. i hope she finds out. not because i want her to hurt but because she needs to know what kind of man you really are. she needs to know she os worth more than cheating lieing ass. maybe she knows but stays for the sake of it.

twenty two. if you arent happy then just fucking leave her.. i know you got everything made there but come on? cant stay in a place you are miserable. hence why i left burgaflex. i know you got a house with her, i know you are stablr there.. i know you have her kids.. but those are hers.. you have no responsibility for them..point blank. you cane get your own house.. just saying.. you make enough.

twenty three: i fell in love with you at one point but no longer am. i got some love for you still and i care.

twenty four: it fucking puts a knife through y heart that you dont care anymore. it makes me feel like everything was a lie. i was nothing to you.

twenty five: somedays i think you are a narcissist. you pretty much gaslighted me.

twenty six: reall honesty? i really never allowed myself to open up to you because i knew i wouĺdnt get the same in return

twenty seven. i hate that you cant own up to what you did to me. i cant even get an im sorry for your lips. those lips that always said, i never want to hurt you or her.

twenty eight. i hate that its been what feels like months and you still cant say a fucking word to me. you got some issues to sort out. i know o was never the issue. i know i got issues but i have been working on them. like i said, i was making myself better for you. i really was...

twenty nine. some days i still have hope that your name will show up on my phone with some kind of apology so then i can tell you things ive needed to say. i guess this will help.

Thirty. id never take you back....

thirty one. i find myself thinking of you still. not as much as i use too.. just have my moments. you are not the first thought in the morning and last thought at night anymore.

thirty two. you lost me.. but a part of you still lives inside me of. the memories we made will live on forever. those were special to me

thirty three. i saw some kind of furture with you and that says a lot. i wanted to build with you. i found myself thinking what it would be like to take trips with you,waking up next to you, and living with you.

thirty four. hate myself some days for how i let you control this whole thing. i needed some control. you had it all. i hate myself somedays for agreeing when my heart wanted more when yours didnt.. but thats what your lips spoke to me.. sometimes..

I hope you come across this some day.

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iceamericanoventi · 5 years

Text

Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between

“Where are you going?”

If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.

“Should I have number one here?”

He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”

Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.

“Promise me you won’t run away?”

Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.

“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.

“Is he always in this temper?”

Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.

“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”

“What is he? A bear?”

“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”

Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.

A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.

"What do you think?"

“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.

“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face.

“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”

Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.

“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”

“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”

“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”

“Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.

“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”

He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.

“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”

“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”

“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”

“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”

“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”

Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.

“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”

Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”

“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”

Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.

“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, me?”

“That’s why you’re a freak.”

“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”

“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”

“That reminds me of someone.”

Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.

“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”

“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”

“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”

“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”

“I knew it.”

“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”

***

Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.

“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”

“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”

“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”

“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”

Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.

“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”

There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”

“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”

“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”

“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”

It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.

“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”

“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”

“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”

“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”

“Did you just know me yesterday?”

Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”

“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”

“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”

“Rockstar. That would be cool.”

“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”

“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”

“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”

“As always, ain’t I?”

The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.

He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.

Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.

“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”

The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”

Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”

Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.

“I’m waiting a phone call.”

“Important?”

“Kinda.”

Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”

“Did I scream that loud?!”

“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”

When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.

“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“Your face doesn’t show.”

“What about my face?”

“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”

“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”

“You have a dog?!”

Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.

“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”

“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”

“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”

“A man can only dream, can’t he?”

Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.

“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”

“But your cigarette?”

Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”

Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.

***

“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”

Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.

The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.

“Minho texted me the other day.”

“Why did he keep texting you?”

The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.

The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.

“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”

Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”

“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”

“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”

“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”

“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”

“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”

“Whatever.”

He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”

Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.

“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”

“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”

“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”

“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”

“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”

“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”

“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”

He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.

“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”

“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”

Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.

“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”

“Ha, you know me so well.”

“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”

“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”

“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”

“Not a chance. I love you more.”

“Stop it or I will kiss you.”

“I dare you.”

“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”

“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“

“And your grandfather?”

Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”

“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”

“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”

“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”

“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”

“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”

Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.

“Can you not smoking inside?”

He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.

“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”

“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”

“Rude.”

“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”

“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”

Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.

Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“You know that you can always talk to me right?”

“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”

“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”

Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.

Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.

Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.

“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”

“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”

“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”

“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”

“Heartless.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.

When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.

“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”

Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”

“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”

“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”

***

cross-posted in my AFF

#shinee fiction #shinee scenario #LWFAWWE

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing.

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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octranslations · 6 years

Text

Dir en grey IN SITU - TABULA RASA DVD Translation

By DirengreyTranslation

02:15

-When your making a song, how do you normally start?

Kaoru; Well by playing the guitar, just kinda playing around, if something catches my interest then i start from that.

Die: From there, everyone listens together then decides what song its going to be, then we’ll add our own phrases, or Shinya adds his own patterns etc like the guitar will be in this approach..

Shinya; Firstly I listen to the first impression of the song, then I create the drumming that I’m inspired to make from that, then its kinda back and forth.

Toshiya: While making a song sometimes the framework changes, there’s various patterns. About the way of the completion of it.. we each maybe have our own.. what would you say.. images. But until there there is nothing like a realized completed form.

Die: If I put it into to words, in there, our thinking all collects so there’s like too many directions mixing together. But like that we’d be unable to do anything.Kaoru: to an extent_______?I’ll say something like “its this kinda feeling” or another member will say something like that, then from there it kinda changes, and we can see where its going. That happens sometimes.Die: So each member will take that, then change their approach, kinda turn it over and turn it overKyo: Even if I listen to the song and think uhh its this kinda song, they’ll change the tempo etc and the image of the song will change.( _____?) so I’ll just think “hmm that part’s interesting”. Its okay. If I enter into song making from the pre production stage then its all a waste. Even though they’ve finished the song, they may have have to redo the tempo.Shinya: If I think i wonder if this is the A melody Kyo will come and read the A melody as a different part, then I make that the A melody.Kyo: The person who comes forward with the idea for the song first has their opinion as the main, if they go too off track, then well correct them butToshiya: In the beginning,_________? for my part, I’ll choose the part that had the best first impressionKaoru: Sometimes I think , well I’ve made so its okay like that, but recently I’ve been more like I should place more importance on that, and thinking like does it sounds like a phrase which is like “he has thought about it”. I like that kinda thing but in what this band plays there’s parts that aren’t like that like the first recording, I want to put importance on those parts too1013.05.15 shinkiba studio coast

13:13Kyo: Vocalists have to be seen on stage, have to talk on stage, ________?, that’s old , so i thought to reversely, hide myself, just express myself with my shadow, then I enjoy seeing how i want to perform? Its not like i think in my head “I want it to go like this so ill do this” when i stand there and do it am i giving 100 percent?What ??ould i call it… hmm.. intuition? I have self confidence in that. I try it and then watch a video of it and think “of course, i did it” “of course, its interesting” I could express one more thing i wanted to._____________? so i just gradually do that.

Toshiya: I get nervous before concerts, i wouldn’t want to not get nervous before them. Standing on the stage and performing i don’t want it to become just like an everyday thing, I don’t want to make it normal. I want it to be something special. I want it to be like a dream.

(we have to think about that if hes still bad tomorrow he may have to go to hospital well, well let’s keep an eye on the condition of his throat today and see if there’s anything strange (something about if it hurts too bad for him to swallow anything?????????????????

15:21 Written on screen

“Yesterday Kyo took to the stage despite suffering from tonsillitis””The other members are increasingly worried about Kyo, whose fever isn’t coming down at all.”

”The other members held a rehearsal without Kyo.”

Kyo?(I think he says something about eating yoghurt and his throat hurting too much for something else?”)

18:44 (written on screen)

"Right after this performance, Kyo was rushed to hospital"Kaoru: At Studio coast, It was like we have no choice but to do it. Rather than thinking is he okay? it was more like, well its tough but lets work hard. There was a lot of that feeling. We didn’t sort of express a worried atmosphere.

Die: I was thinking that next time it could be another member. What if it wasn’t Kyo, but another member, they just have to do it. Its not that Kyo would get better. It’s the part of us that’s like “we’re prepared for war”, we’re always ready."5.20 in the studio"

"A rehearsal was held for the 5.24 Shibuya public hall live"(I can’t really hear this next part properly so its not all that they say><)Guy: Kyo feels like he wants to do it but we still don’t know if he can

Kaoru: If we can’t do it?Toshiya: I don’t want him to do it if its gonna be dangerous.

Kaoru: So we don’t need to over do it?

Guy: We wont tell you “You definitely have to do it”. You guys need to think about it yourselves.Toshiya: I understand his feels, of wanting to do it, wasn’t this a rehearsal to calm our worries? ___________?

Toshiya: It could happen to any of us, not just Kyo. With that thought we thought what should we do? as much as possible we want to think about what course we can take so that we can do it. And not just doing it, we want to do our best.The bands motivation, and the own persons motivation is also important, so if those all go together then we’ll do it.

Shinya: Its something he’d dealt with for 10 something years… so if it his condition is bad I think he should take a break.22:55

“Kyo, whose condition has recovered appears at the scene”

?????

Kyo:?The doctor said i had cured? but i still felt bad? (laughs) tours are often cancelled or postponed due to throat issues. It’s not that my body is too weak, its just overuse. So repeating that over again, it would have been okay to postpone or cancel the tour but I really hated the thought of “again!!??” Normally I don’t feel like that. The other members have memories of that place so they told me not to over do it, but actually I felt even more than normal that i wanted to perform. It would be okay if i could put out 100 percent of my current self. I didn’t think at all about what songs to sing, I just sung what had already been decided. One of the songs that came up was Jealous, probably because when its come up in the past I’ve done it. If I had a choice I wouldn’t have included it, since I haven’t been able to rehearse, and being in my current state, I’m the main in that song aren’t I? Its just me singing.. its too much. Its like um, it’s not normal to go on stage without having practiced it at all

Kaoru: Until the end of coast, that song hadn’t been included. 15 years ago at Shibuya hall we played it in an encore, though that was a different version, with the whole band, not the acapella version. Then while thinking wonder how it would go, wonder if we could do it, I tried putting it out there. Well it was up to Kyo whether to do it or not, but he didn’t say anything so i thought, he feels like doing it and his feelings are forward facing, for the band __________?Kyo: It had been such a long time since I’d performed it, so I didn’t want to.30:52 Written on screen

"The tour in Europe started from Germany"31:37

"A sound check took place at the studio"

34:24Die:(in tour bus) This is only used in Europe, the ceiling’s so low

Camera guy: It is low isn’t it.

"During the tour everyone lives in this tour bus"Camera guy: The beds are that small?. So small!

Die: They’re so small right!Camera guy: So small!

Die: (outside the tour bus) When it’s been one month it’s a bit…Camera guy: So the longest you stay in the bus is 1 month?Die: Well, around 3 weeks. ______?fans try and climb it (the tour bus) that’s why there’s all these marks on it and there’s all this dirt. (cracks up laughing) We’re constantly using it throughout the tour so if it isn’t constantly cleaned it gets really dirty! Insects die on it and stuff.

Camera guy: This is the lounge. Is the bus the same every time you tour Europe?

Die: In Europe it’s normally this kinda of bus. Sometimes a newer one. This part is nicer? ____________?36:55

Die: This place is coolCamera man: Yeah it is.

Die: It’s different every time, the chairs.. and the sounds is,. closed voice rings out??______________? Here, its not that we’re cutting corners we’re just doing it more naturally… but Germany was the first place in Europe we ever played, in 2005, so it’s… how should I put it… like returning to our origins.Die: Today too, the lights and everything are being done by local people we’re working with for the first time. In Japan we have the same staff who always help us, they listen to our songs, and learn/ teach us?. But here it’s completely different, even if they listen to our songs to a certain extent, well, our world views are different, and we don’t win them? But it’s interesting being completely different. Here, it’s not done perfectly____?

39:13

Kaoru: Ah, this is wrong, the final song before the encore is meant to be saku.Guy: Ah, that’s right.Kaoru: Didn’t you make this in Japan? Will it be okay..

41:06Toshiya: (pointing to arms of DEG hoodie) if I cut these it might be cool

Nora: Ah you’re gonna do it yourself??

Toshiya: yep!41:31

Toshiya: uh… Can i get another one?? (cracks up laughing)(are they calling Shinya’s top girly? I’m not sure..)50:15

"They weren’t performing that day so they did some sightseeing"51:48

Toshiya: This is really cool, I got a photo.55:17

Toshiya: For me, tours in Japan are itariritsu _______?tours overseas are for studying.Kaoru: In Japan everything is done very precisely, but overseas everything is much more lose. like “about..” I like that personally.

Shinya: Personally, my thinking is the same for both. Overseas is _________?Die: Overseas fans, and it’s the same for Japanese fans in the countryside, can’t go to our concerts often, so there’s a lot of difference with that. Because for them they don’t know when we will come again, or when they will see us again. The heart is different.Toshiya: ______?a world I’ve never seen before.while I’m fighting I want to try fighting.Kaoru: In Japan we often go to the same places, and we understand the ways of the place. But overseas we have no idea about the places, we’re really just going to do the tour… but I like that. I think if we knew more about the places we were playing then it would affect our concerts. and do something to our condition„

Kyo:I don’t like ____overseas I don’t dislike overseas tours, but I don’t like being separated from Japan? I don’t like moving around, I don’t like the food, I don’t like not understanding at all what?people are saying. Really don’t like it! (laughs) If I came overseas, and put up with all these things I don’t like, then did a shitty concert, I’d really regret it. So I think I need to make them the best.59:16

"What is Dir en grey’s unique weak point?"Kaoru: In a good way, and a bad way, our actions are a bit weak, we… what should I say… we often don’t have self confidence, but reversely, it becomes our power. If all five of us come together we can do all these things, but if we’re alone we don’t have self confidence. So in a good way and a bad way that’s like our weakness.________(also randomly)

Second dvd