#and im really just being neurotic but yeah. maybe i dont like the feeling of taking up space and slowly widening it with every little step | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dejyn · 2 months

Note

i hope you dont mind if i get emotional for a minute…

i just. really appreciate how you portray daddy jack.

i feel like a lot of people think hes flat-out horrible with relationships and treats his partner no differently from the baker’s dozen…

seeing you acknowledge his canon sociopathic traits and villainous ways while also being actually decent if someone catches his interest is really nice…

i mean. yes. i admit part of our relationship is me seeking out as much magic for him as i could. but i like to imagine he appreciates that im going about it on my own and that i stopped expecting payment in return very early on cuz of… how much i love him.

maybe its just me loving the concept of irredeemable monsters having a soft spot, combined with the fact i hate seeing stuff with my comfort characters treating self-inserts/ocs poorly… but yeah…

tl;dr i love your portrayal ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

Heheheh don’t worry I’m myself getting emotional bc of the dude all the time :’D mew

Well, I must say that I’m always trying(trrryyyyiiin) to stick to canon, but that doesn’t stop me from creating my many hcs based on my vision. And one of them is that Jack really has a soft spot, in fact I just feel so much softness in him no less than cruelty, that makes me think he’d give you such an interesting and various experience in relationships he-heh… It surely wouldn’t be the healthiest ones, but let’s leave them to reality lol I’m here to have fun with a fictional troublemaker <3

Tbh I think he can be caring and loving companion, he can be all nice and sweet to you but it’s better to keep in mind that he’s doing it mostly for his own profit/pleasure. I just cannot deny the main point of his character: he is a greedy egoist. A taker. You just have to accept it if you love him. That doesn’t exclude genuine care, though: I can easily imagine him emotionally attached to someone. But his sick obsession with magic stemming from his giant neurotic ego will prevail in the end. Sad but true. But hey, I think this is the point where we can learn how to value signs of affection from him more :> And enjoy by letting him just being himself bc we love him <3 as for the poor treatment I think you’re free to imagine what you prefer and follow your own vision, I don’t think it's such a necessary thing to experience pain of any kind from him. He’s not some maniac even with his sociopathy… He’s a troubled guy who needs help the most. I’m sure if not to irritate him or criticize or argue, he’d be ok, just love him, express your love as much as you can cuz love is about giving and enjoy^^(he’s such fluff material to me I swear lmao) I’m really really glad if my stuffs help you!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Thank you (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ (sorry if my english sucks)

(while I was thinking how to put my thoughts in short [MISSSION FAILED] I remembered this silly pic I drew some time ago, it shows my mixed and conflicting feelings abt this walking disaster, mb that's why he's so catchy to me i dunno...)

#i can blabber about Jack for hours please be careful with me haha #💜

19 notes · View notes

prettyboykatsuki · 8 months

Note

excuse my disturbance and my bad english but i must say that im completely in love with your mind. at this point it feels like a puzzle and every other post you make gives me another piece and i have to figure out where to place it, it gives me an idea of the way you think of certain things? hope it doesn't sound weird. im just trying to express my fascination of your writings and the indepth of your overall characterisations especially. this started with your perception of the itoshi brothers because for me they have been frustrating to understand. its like they are pretty much an open book so it's not hard to understand them and their bond and read into their personality at all but sometimes it feels so blurry you know? and i just can't connect it and it makes me insane. but the way you put them into words feels so easy and simple that makes me even more insane. maybe im just crazy and obsessed about it i honestly dont know. the way you also generally use sexuality as a tool to explain characters feelings/mind is so interesting to me as an inexperienced person. so yeah i just wanted to let you know that i really really appreciate your writings! and what i originally wanted to ask is what books do you think the itoshis would read? or which authors they'd prefer? the books a person reads gives me an idea of their mind, and i love you characterisation of rin and sae so i would love to know your thoughts if you don't mind! sending lots of love :)

WAH!! first of all hello! ur english is perfectly find and understandable do not worry at all!!! but also the opening sentence for this ask is so sweet as is the rest of it?? im flopping around like a wet noodle and whatnot.

i feel like i never make any sense like in the slightest so this ask really surprised me a lot JFSDKJSFS. im always talking out of my ass and while being articulate is important to me i only succeed like half of the time in my own head. so it means a lot that you think the way !! and im really honored that u are so fascinated by my smooth wrinkle free brain

i think the itoshi bros are indeed frustrating if you're not like really consciously examining their characters which most people arent since bllk is primarily about isagi!!! while the rin sae arc is really good its still a side plot and its mostly meant for rin. it took me another good long read and some brainstorming to figure out what sae was like because on the surface he's a really shitty jerk

i like to think of myself as a character first writer!! my stories are not as driven by the environment as other peoples (though im working on being better at that) and most of my writing is pretty character driven. in general i am obsessed with human behavior in a kind of neurotic way sdkjfsk and sometimes that comes out as i write. sexuality is an aspect of that obsession which is why it plays an important part in everything i write.

as for authors for the itoshi bros... i dont think either of them read that much. for sae - i imagine he reads a lot of nonfiction about soccer and sports psychology. unlike rin who has other interests, sae thinks his main flaw is that he's only interest is soccer and i think that extends to his reading.

rin loves horror canonically so probably horror books more than anything? someone like yukito ayatsuji who writes a lot of well received japanese horror

#return to sender #hall of fame #this is so sweet and such high praise #take everything i say w a grain of salt tho fr i speak recreationally

11 notes · View notes

aquilaaktuk · 1 year

Text

deathstar puss in boots last wish au? deathstar puss in boots last wish au.

hastily doodled in a starbucks and everything. theres like way more tho

’why is this written like a shitpo-’ I WRITE LIKE I THINK AND HOW I THINK MADE ONE OF MY TEACHERS PUT ME IN LEARNING ENHANCEMENT IM NOT KIDDING

anyway i had an idea for this but it came to me at 6am after i just woke up so it’s probably REALLY eh. anyway kid is death because thats like the logical jump and blackstar is puss and tsubaki is kitty but not romantically involved at all because tsustar is. vile. anyway, they’re cat robin-hoods, steal from the rich give to the poor. one day blackstar steals something thats supposed to grant immortality and he’s like “theres no way this is real but lemme test it out anyway for personal reasons.” and then it ends up being real. and he’s totally chilling with that because this could be his shot at surpassing god ‘cept death and death jr are not okay with that at all and he looses in a really funny way to dtk and gets pretty pissed. his day is ruined more when tsubaki says she’s on her last life and wants to retire and blackstar properly freaks out. in my head i steal from the sandman a little and the thompsons are two regular twins who got killed during a robbery gone wrong and then get the chance to keep ‘living’ as presumably servants of death and they’re like ‘yeah sure whatever’ and then get passed off to his neurotic nervous wreck of a son and then also belatedly realise theyre ravens and definitely not human. they chill though theyre his literal wing-sisters. *flicks wrist*

anyway because big daddy death is totally not chill with the idea of immortal cats wandering around he tells dtk to go and Git Him because its good training for when he succeeds him or whatever. anyway dtk goes and tries to do that and even though every time they fight he absolutely claps blackstar, b*star always gets away and its getting kinda really frustrating, so he just watches him trying to find a moment where his guard is down enough for a quick stab n go. doesnt really happen instead he just gets feelings which is really gay and lame of him everyone point and laugh. anyway eventually he goes from ‘i must kill this guy because dad said so’ to ‘i wanna be his friend and maybe also kiss him idk’ hes not very good at emotions. its just as well the thompsons are there. anyway eventually theyre on speaking terms and after much preamble they have a lil heart to heart and its very sweet.

i imagine if ass*star was a cat he’d be a maine coon not because they’re large or particularly menacing, but because theyre one of the few breeds with enough fur to maintain that absolutely batshit hairstyle that hes got going

anway kid is like totally freaking out because big daddy death told him to go and kill this guy and he’s absolutely not done that at all, in fact he’s done the polar opposite and romanced him instead so they’re running around trying to figure out what to do and liz is like ‘dude your dad would kill and die for you why not just be out with it’ so they do that and lo and behold, big daddy death is like. totally chill about it.

anyway death dies and that really sucks but i also havent thought up to that point, all i know is that ass*star wont be allowed to run around like that forever and hes definitely not off the hook for becoming some fucked up god of accidentally gaining immortality.

‘but what about the lines of sa-’ i dont care.

#soul eater #semi-shitpost #black*star #death the kid #deathstar #kidstar #sorry starwars fans #actually #definitely-shitpost #if you want me to do something proper with this im gonna need a helping hand because i got a WHOLE 'nother deathstar au thats like #infinitely more thought out #but if someone wants to like dm me and get this fic goin' go for it bro #should i tag for size difference?#nah #i'd say this is probably the most unhinged thing ive posted but #i dont even know anymore

49 notes · View notes

tigerdrop · 4 years

Note

king u gonna elaborate on virgin benrey

listen i have kiryu “is 100% a virgin at the ripe old age of 37, and this is appealing to me instead of fucking hilarious″ kazuma disease and it has followed me here. also this kind of branches into a completely different kink at the end b/c i am diseased

so you know how i write "obviously fucks good and hard all the time" benrey. well........you know.......like..........what if......................he didnt. what if he was. what if he had never fucked before in his life and his incessant flirting finally works and hes like "i did not expect to get this far."

envision, if u will, the delightful awkwardness of virgin benrey + "has never had sex with a dude before" gordon

ive definitely brought up the possibilities of gordon going all science-brain on null benrey before but i think it works just as well on virgin benrey too. its a learning experience for both of them and if theres one thing gordons good at, its research. and gordon probably gets way too up in his own head about making sure he does this shit right and spends a lot of sleepless nights googling "how to have sex with dudes" and, you know, researching,

if benreys not the one fucking babying him thru his first gay experiences he is probably going to bungle it so fucking badly and i think it would be really funny

alternatively please consider gordon being so fucking neurotic about benrey never having done this shit before that he avoids the subject as hard as possible, thinking that hes gonna dick it up hardcore, but the whole time benreys just thinking "bro i havent had my dick touched in [however long hes been alive]. come on". the tension

furiously making out with him behind a fucking crate in black mesa and then realizing this is Going Places and gordons voice breaks as he says, way too loud, "I GOTTA UHHH GO RELOAD MY SMG. RIGHT NOW"

you think gordon is touch starved ? no. Hell with this

Im just tsying theres no evidence hes been touched at all by another human being in his life before this. if hes video game in real he benrey noclip out of being touched

what if he like, chooses not to noclip/not feel....ON that time gordon catches him. just cuz hes curious, a gay impulse. or maybe hes so surprised (and gay) he forgets to avoid it

and oh, to be in gordon freeman's gentle grasp. makes him into an unholy annoyance of awkward gayness for the rest of the series

YEAS.......also he has definitely thought hard about sucking gordons dick but doesnt actually have any idea how he would go about it. hes just heard its cool

giddy thinking about the scenario where its actually benrey whos terrible at sucking dick b/c hes never done it before and gordon who actually does suck dick like a champ

i know that this is literally the plot of the very first serious nsfw fic in this fandom but still. virgin beney. benrey getting sucked off for the first time in his entire life and shaking like a fucking leaf......

Power trip of Gordon realizing this guy whose been hitting on him the whole time has no idea what to actually do

Gordon Freeman Gives Benrey A Prostate Exam

its a joke but its not a joke. virgin benrey being vaguely aware that being fucked by gordon freeman would be cool, in theory, but not fully conceptualizing of how you actually get a dick in your ass until gordons like "what?? no, dude, you cant just stick it in there" and gives him a demonstration and thats how benrey discovers he has a prostate

benrey like "idgi man this just feels weird. when do we get to theohhh my god what. what that" and gordons like "what, u mean this?" (curls his fingers again) mean smirk hours

i want him to make a squeaky little noise when gordon says that and curls his fingers again, and gordon's like "ha- knew he'd like it" and keeps kneading him a while; but oops, suddenly benrey's coming with an even squeakier noise

gordon's so surprised he just keeps going, hes like, not comprehending until benys whining at him to stop

a thought: benreys not good at "being human" and probably doesnt actually know whats supposed to happen when u nut so every time hes been jackin it he just does it until it starts to be Just A Little Too Much and then hes like "mission accomplished" and stops. imagine his fucking surprise when gordons jerking him off and he doesnt stop and hes like "wh ha hu what the fuck i already got off bro" and gordon just stares at him and the distinctive lack of cum on his hand and s like ".......did you? you sure about that one."

tl;dr benrey squirming and babbling and digging his fingers into gordons back as he begs him to keep going, he doesnt know whats gonna happen and hes feeling totally overwhelmed b/c gordons pushing him further than hes ever been pushed and he keeps inadvertently trying to wriggle away b/c its So Much but gordon, maybe, pins down his hips so he can get benrey off For Real.......

even better if its when gordons sucking him off for the first time so he can wrap his arms and hands around benreys thighs to keep them spread wide open and firmly in place

knees shaking and thighs jumping constantly

and benrey has no idea when its supposed to be over so he cant even warn gordon properly. he just keeps getting louder and louder.......

maybe even.......completely hunched over gordon......pushing him down on his dick with his hands in his hair.......

alternating between babbling "stop" and "dont stop" b/c hes stupid

eventually gordon gets so sick of benrey not being able to decide whether he wants to shove gordon onto his dick or yank him off that he just pulls off and says "look, man, do you trust me?" b/c he would really like to just get benrey to stop edging himself here

UNINTENTIONAL OVERSTIMULATION.......THE TEARS........HHHHHHH

and he eventually gets benrey to nod furiously at him that he trusts him and gordons just like, okay, im not gonna stop then. im gonna keep going. and.......he does

eyes glazed, hair sticking to him with sweat, hips all twitchy, dick all red, face also all red

sucking benrey dry until hes over sensitive.......

He started off spasming then he’s rocking into Gordon’s face by the time he’s wailing his name. Panting and gasping like he’s fucking DROWNING

gordon meanwhile almost nuts in his pants from the fuckin show that benreys puttin on for him and hes not even trying. hes just Like This. gordons got jerkoff material for the next month just thinking about the way benrey wails his name and clutches his hair tight

benreys like (slurred) 'u gonna jack off or sumn.......was it not hot'. gordon fighting with every cell of his body not to scream "WAS IT NOT HOT?"

trying to decide what would be hotter: gordon jacking off while hes on his knees with his head resting on benreys thigh or jerking off on benreys stomach and.....r.......rubbing it in

benrey watching gordon cum and feeling a whole new context for it cause now he knows how good it feels and gets turned on again faster-

thinking.......about.......th. next time. now that benreys figured it out. he gives it a try on his own time and hes so surprised that it works that he goes up to gordon like "yo. check this out. i figured out how to jack it" and gordon has the most unimpressed look on his face imaginable

"proud of you, buddy. am i good to go back to watching storage wars, or" "you wanna uhhh.....wanna see it maybe?" and that changes his entire tune

imagining benrey being so fucking bad at it still that he keeps doing the start-stop shit b/c its so intense and hes not used to it and the thing that actually gets him to finish is gordon, pants down to his knees and fisting his own dick like he might die tomorrow, leaning forward and telling him that hes got this, benreys gonna come for him, right? come for gordon?

gordon fucking telling him "dont stop" WRT jerking himself off and benrey just listening to him and pushing himself is ruining my fuckin mind

its a really good thought......i love how it plays into non-human benrey having to figure out human stuff........makes me crayz

probably keeps being sensitive for a long while too........ (mumbling very very quietly) and if hes so sensitive from never being touched before......maybe hes kind of........uhhh..................ticklish

new layers to the whole "oh my god its too much stop it" + "i actually dont want you to stop touching" thing .. . . .. . . . + gordon powertripping when he realizes whats going on with him and why he keeps jerking away and trying not to laugh when gordon touches him like on his stomach or his sides

benrey accidentally jerks too hard and knees gordon in the dick from how ticklish he feels just from like, hands on his sides or something

i was actually thinking about......like.......gordon laying on the ground and suffering (because why wouldnt i be thinking about gordon suffering) and deciding that enough is enough and offering to.......desensitize benrey. you know. for his own health

you know. uhhh. tying up his arms and legs, perhaps, and. you know. "do not noclip through these. i swear to god, benrey, if you kick me in the dick again"

i'm think about benrey begging gordon to stop, so he does, to check if this is a Forreal stop or a "hahah nooo~" stop, and benrey asks him through gasps to keep fucking tickling him (except he just says smth to the effect of ."gh.. ....keep doing it dude wuhdah hell...") and gordon gets an evil fucking grin and just feels on top of the world "yeah?? think you can handle it, huh???" and just destroys him. benrey thinks about gordon's horny manic face for weeks

neither of them had a thing for this before this point but the combination of feeling like hes being tickled and gordons hands on him for the first time making him mad horny gives benrey a brand new fucking fetish. gordons manic fucking face im so glad we are on the same wavelength about that

i truly hate my own posts. incurable. diseased

#asky #writin stuff #SOMETHING GOT COPIED AND PASTED WRONG SORRY

77 notes · View notes

maddiefriendlovesbilly · 4 years

Note

Spencer x Ghost?

Spencer x Ghost

(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!

For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3

Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)

Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.

We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost

Anyway I think this ship is really cute

They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue

One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in

I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY

And Ghost would let this dream come true???

I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.

(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)

Back on topic

I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date

It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”

They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive

We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.

Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.

Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)

Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.

Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.

I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.

(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)

(You absolutely may)

Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”

imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him

I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.

Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*

Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”

Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*

So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]

Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*

Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)

(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)

They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt

Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji

“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”

Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass

Pros:

They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)

I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms

Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree

So is Ghost so this can only go well

Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”

Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears

The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam

Cons:

Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff

They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.

They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit

Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP

Conclusions:

I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D

So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3

#spencer x ghost #jess writes #ishhhhh???????#venturiantale #venturiantale pie #johnny ghost #spencer acachalla #johnny toast #jimmy casket #fred spooker #let me know if you enjoyed this or not it was intense #sr #ship review #ship reviews #vt ships #vt ship reviews #vt ship review #vt sr

19 notes · View notes

tillmays · 4 years

Text

Is just her. II

Riley was on her element, she liked to play, and she knew he liked it too.

so tell me mr.groom, why are you the way you are?

James- well is not that easy to tell.

Riley- you know, is so easy to talk to stranger.

james- is it?

Riley- fine let's make it a little loosely. she she reclines on the sofa, spreading her long legs making the dress fall between them, putting an arm behind the backrest, the lights in the room were off there were only two lamps on, and she was illuminated by the light that came through the large window. - i will ask you something and you will answer exactly how you're feeling i will go first, bored or.. she made a pause and she did a little flicker and raised her eyebrow, make a grimace with her lip and said very slowly - eager?

James- he shrugged his eyes and just saw her. his eyes speak with a desire for her, you know that when a man sees you that way it means that there is only one thought in his mind only the idea of not being able to touch you kills him inside, he said in a very deep and penetrating voice -eager.

Riley- what's wrong Mr.groom you wanna dick me down? *in this hot way he smiled and laughed softly*

James- haha you're very funny, i like that, but you know that i can't.. if i had met you 3 hours ago when i wasn't married, you wouldn't be sitting on that sofa

I'm not going to lie, that made her feel excited, and she was intrigued to see what could happen but as I said she likes to play. Riley- you know, some of your friends call you the christian grey.. and you forgot to ask, it your turn. *she said sarcastic making a little joke referring of what Bozer said earlier obviously he didn't know but it didn't matter*

James- what.. ahaha i didn't know you knew my friends... and no i didn't forget, was thinking for the right question to ask.. with company or lonely.

Riley- lonely. sad or tired? he stared, didn't said nothing for a minute looking at her straight in the eyes, james felt those words really heavy he knew somehow that she felt the same way.

james was with his hand holding his jaw and his fingers over his lips said -you know is both. he sighted- you know i feel i can trust you but at the same time i know you don't care but at the same time you do so.. i this point i don't really care what happens to that man.*he started to tell her about his dad, his work, everything he even told her the name of the person who was going to buy the uranium and what was the business of this person* Riley mumbled very quietly and said- Mac listen. Mac answered. Mac- yeah i heard it all of it, bozer we are ready. Bozer was in the bathroom with the laptop of Riley working on helping mac. desi was waiting for Mr.Oliver to make a move.

James- well it's your turn to tell me something now. what about you, why are you the way you are?

Riley could breath now, cause the team knew what to do now, after hearing what james just confessed about these mens she just needed to keep him distracted so he wouldn't suspect about her.

Riley- oh come on dude, accept the mystery.

James- no no is your turn. what are you broken?

Riley wanted to tease him a little more, she lay down on the sofa and slid a little accommodating her body in a tempting way, she was looking at the ceiling and at the night sky thru the window.

James- girl.. you are deadly.. *She smiled*

Riley- i’m the whole package baby: chaotic, neurotic, erotic

Riley- i was very young and all alone. *riley looked at him and told him some thing about her not the undercover girl, she didn't lie she felt like she didn't have to, that night the two of them opened to a complete stranger and they created their own safe space. he walked to her way, he sat next to her, Riley got up and put her head on his legs, He played with her hair, they kept that energy for 5 minutes. they stayed in silence because sometimes it feels better not to talk. at all.

Riley finally said something, started thinking out loud. - “I wonder what’s wrong with me. Sometimes I just keep wanting to go deeper and deeper into the world of self-destruction. As if I want to see myself fail completely and disappear.”

they looked at eachother, James couldn't take it anymore, he asked.-can i kiss you? Riley just nodded. he grabbed her face and kissed her very slowly. that was a very hot kiss. the only thought of Riley was “maybe i teased him a little too much” Riley said to him- we have to be careful, we can't fall in love. Riley was hearing everything that was going on with the team they got the uranium got the buyer but Oliver was still trying to escape. james heard gunshots. and told Riley to stay there. he went outside and saw everybody running in every direction, he saw his dad with a gun and all of his bodyguards with him, he confronted him told him everything, the way he was feeling, and it was time for him to give himself up.

Mac and Riley

Riley got out the room after james left, she took a a shortcut to get there before him and without him seeing her, she saw Mac and when runnin to him and grabbed her laptop. Riley and Mac when running to the along the side of the castle on a path that led to the large flower-filled garden.

Mac- Riley go to the back and get inside and grab the package,

Riley- okay, i already sent the whole information to matty.

Mac- uh that was fast. *they were standing under the frame of that entrance to the garden. - hey be careful when you get inside, and don’t lose the package, or matty will kill us.. *mac was making the smoke bomb with the thinks he found there* well gotta go.*he went running*

Riley- mac.. * he turned around and went back to her* yeah it’s something wrong? *Mac looked concerned and his eyes started to shine a little from the party lights that were outside, Riley just got lost in them and hold onto the words she was thinking of saying to him, put decided it was better not to.

Riley- nothing, just be safe.. *she gave him a little sad smile*

Mac- yeah don’t worry.. we got this.

Mac and Desi were there, Mac dropped a bomb of smoke to make the bodyguards move Desi and Mac beat them down and there was just Oliver and his son James.. it was the end in their relationship.

james- you know i'm going to leave Chloe, since it was just for your business and that doesn't matter anymore. you can take him now. *Desi put the handcuffs on him* james went running back to the bedroom but riley wasn't there anymore he looked outside and there she was sitting on the steps of the backyard.

James- hey..

Riley looked back and kept smoking her cigarette, she took the bottle of whisky and to glasses. James sat at her side, she served the two shots of whiskey

James- So what’s next?

Riley- You heal. You grow. And you help others.

James- you know the whole night you have been a tormenting vision.

Riley sipped her drink. -you didn't disappoint me either.

James- hahaaha and there is she. i love how you are flirting with a tiny halo on.

back with the guys.

Mac- hey boz, it's time to go you’re ready? where's Riley?

Bozer- she's talking with james, the groom, i think someone ended winning today hu?

Mac just looked J- E -A -L-O-U-S but obviously he kept telling himself that he didn't understand that feeling, he looked at them thru the door that was open. - yeah i guess... *mac putted back his communicator to see if he could hear them, Riley had not taken off hers. mac was listening.

Riley saw that the boys were ready to go.

Bozer yelled, -Riley! we are ready when you're ready!

James- so that's your name.. Riley..

Riley- don't wear it out.

James- well i see you have to go. i'm gonna miss our conversations, your a wonderful woman.

Riley- me too. i hope you find the happiness you've been pretending to have.

they said cheers to that and was the last drink.

James- i hope we can meet again.

Riley- meet me in my dreams tonight and stay there for a while.

they gave a last kiss. you know what kind of kiss those that are late at night slow hot and spicy and teasing, mac saw them he just turned around when to wait for her at the car.

the jet talks, on their way home.

Desi- Riley i gotta said i'm surprised, you literally stole the groom!

Bozer laughed, - hahaha girl she got you there.

Riley- oh come on, i know yall were listening, and it was more than obvious that he was going to divorce that girl, he texted me and told me that they already are going to be filing the divorce papers. they were married like 4 hours at a fake wedding. They never really got married was all done by his father he wanted to use them to make more money..

Bozer- wait you have his number?

Riley- and? what about it?

Mac was just listening. he didn't understand why he was feeling that way. Mac changed the subject and said,- well i'm glad we could stop oliver and the whole clan of the guy who was going to buy it, thanks to Riley for making james speak to us about it.

Riley- what can i say i have my ways.

Bozer- im gonna miss this, i gotta say its gonna be weird when your gone.

Riley- dont think about it now, relax, that this is loong flight way home.

Rileys head.

Riley was still thinking of that moment between mac and her. she didn’t know what to do with her thoughts, they were loud way to loud to be about him, not Mac, hes a friend just a good friend from work… i mean we were pretending, if we hadn’t done that we could have been caught, but we could have thought of something different but maybe it was just the moment, did i like it? or is just my fucking mind making tricks on me..? but it was dreamy.. Did i love a dream? maybe i’m just tired. *she put her headphones and reclined to be more comfortable, when i message popped up it was james, she smiled* ahh finally something i can distracted myself on. *Mac saw her smile like that and here was that weird feeling again, he was wondering what or who could make her smile like that.

....................................................................

if you catched the quote of “Daul Kim, from I Like to Fork Myself “

Photo of the sky by KizanokZ .

oh and for the ones that were wondering and asking me for the hairstyle that i wrote for Riley it was this one.

#macgyver #macgyver 2016 #angus macgyver #macriley #lucas till #riley davis #mac x riley #tristinmays #bozer #wilt bozer #matty #the phoenix #series #fanfic #story #party #desiree nguyen #desi

19 notes · View notes

frigfridge · 5 years

Text

just finished rewatching toy story 1 thru 3 over the past few days, wanted to share my thoughts:

i love these movies a whole lot. the first 2 hold a bunch of nostalgia for me because i was A Baby when 2 came out and when i was also A Baby i would just watch our VHS copy of toy story 1 over and over again. this also makes me the exact age group to be emotionally destroyed by toy story 3, which came out just as i was entering high school and hit really close to home

individual thoughts:

toy story: the first thing i noticed was it still looks really nice even watching in 2019!! which i think is kind of spectacular for the first feature-length computer-animated film. it no doubt helps that the plot is mostly focused on little plastic dolls without realistic hair or clothing to animate but the semi-”cartoon” art direction means the human characters also look pretty nice without going too far into the uncanny valley.

also, the plot is WAY darker than i remember?? not because of sid and all the body horror toys, but because for like half of the movie woodys friends think hes an actual (toy) murderer carrying around the severed arm of his victim (!!) like, its hilarious, but also wow theres a LONG way to go between there and the climax of toy story 3.

the soundtrack is probably my favorite of the bunch. part of that is probably nostalgia but i just really like the consistency of having randy newman singing every song. it sort of elevates him to part of the story, like an omniscient narrator singing woodys (and later buzzs) inner monologue. 2 (and especially 3) didnt have as many musical numbers, which i can understand with a shift to a larger-scale approach to storytelling, but i really like the feeling it gives number 1. “you got a friend in me” is an obvious classic thats been remixed and brought back in just about every piece of toy story media im aware of, but “strange things” and “i will go sailing no more” deserve just as much recognition and praise. there just isnt a weak number among them

toy story 2: heres where the story started getting bigger and more existential, which basically becomes the new direction of the series. which makes sense! this one released 4 years after the first, and while theres no real timeskip in the story (maybe 6 months?) it had been a little while since we last saw woody and the gang. everybody in the real world had gotten older, and with the turn of the millennium approaching, the theme of impermanence loomed large in the collective unconscious. well, maybe not in my unconscious, because i was 2. but its really interesting as kind of a “time capsule” to what people were thinking about as the 90s came to a close.

so toy story 2 was a little more grounded, a little more focus on the human world, but it was also more fantastical in its presentation. the opening “video game” sequence (which still looks amazing!!) and woodys nightmare (”i dont wanna play with you anymore...”) show the animators at pixar really found their groove and started getting experimental. and to great result!! the fantasy sequences are a lot of fun and help 2 really stand out.

i would be remiss not to mention jessies flashback song here. its something else they hadnt really done in the first film and i think it really works. jessie in this film unfortunately doesnt get to do much other than fight with woody about whether he should stay or go (except for when she saves him in the end) but this song makes her character work. it also helps that it destroys me every time

also i think this is the movie that gave me an appreciation for the acting of kelsey grammer. i dont really agree with his politics (i also dont know specifically what they are) but he is a damn fine actor and gives the prospector a very genuinely intimidating edge after his heel turn. the casting really makes the character here, but thats nothing new for toy story-- every voice works. if i were the casting director, i probably wouldnt have pulled erudite kelsey grammer for a character named “stinky pete,” but as it is now i couldnt imagine him voiced by anyone else.

the last thing about toy story 2 is it feels like there were a lot more pop culture references? at least as far as i noticed. there are apparently even more than i noticed but i caught on to the “also sprach zarathustra” riff in the opening, and the jurassic park rearview mirror gag. and of course the extended star wars reference with zurg vs. utility belt buzz (and i guess zurg in general.) the references are cute and mostly unobtrusive but really i could take or leave them.

oh yeah also al is hilarious. just this rude, neurotic businessman whos incredibly self-important for the owner of a minor(?) toy store chain. hes such a puffed-up jerk, every time hes on-screen is a delight

toy story 3: this one kills me to death. i always get misty-eyed during “when somebody loved me” but the ending of 3 where andy introduces his toys to bonnie and plays with them one last time made me sob the first time i watched it. and it still does! thats the long game right there, thats the payoff of over 10 years loving these characters. its an emotional ketchup bomb, everything gets all messy and soggy and sweet. hopefully 4 can follow up, but im not really worried about that-- ive heard some good things. damn, its been 9 years since this movie came out, though! it really doesnt feel all that long, but i guess i havent been doing all that much

i actually dont know if i have much else to say about 3. the opening with the re-imagining of the previous films openings (woody versus one-eyed bart, buzz and woody vs. the evil dr. porkchop) is a highlight, although theres a conspicuous lack of bo peep. ive heard she has a big part in 4, but it was kind of weird to see a lot of toys missing and their absence (mostly) glossed over after the first few minutes. i miss r.c. and lenny, but i get they wanted to narrow down the cast so all of them could get in on the plot.

speaking of which, the escape scene is great too. its kind of a crystallizing moment of how close these characters are, and how well they work together. it reminds me a lot of the escape from sids house in the first movie, but there woody was working with sids body-horror toys and seemed to strike up a rapport with them bizarrely quickly. (speaking of which, i miss those toys! their designs were super cool, but i cant imagine they got much merchandise, especially babyface with the sharp, metal spider legs.) here, though, woody and the gang cooperate the best they ever have, and it really paints a picture of how close theyve become over the years, and justifies the emotional climax in the landfill. this is what i was talking about when i said i was surprised how dark toy story 1 got! these toys all hated woodys guts back then for what they thought he did to buzz. they kicked him out of a moving truck! its just weird to think about that conflict between them when you know how long they end up sticking together. but thats, like, neat, so its ok. it feels earned, its just kind of crazy in hindsight.

toy story 3 was also obviously made long after the first two-- by comparison, the lighting is way more sophisticated, the humans are a lot more detailed. theres just a lot more detail In General. the main cast is, like, super dirty for the middle 90% of the film, and it feels like, yeah, We Have This Technology Now. we can render so many individual glitter sprinkles suck to hamms ass and they will be in every single scene. the “fur tech” on lotso and buster is also an obvious clue, especially in the flashback to lotso trudging through the rain back to his owners house. its like “look! we can make this teddy bear SO wet!” and wow! yeah! you did! so wet!

lotso himself is also an interesting villain in terms of sheer bastardness. he is just a huge jerk. he could have hit that button so easily! and he was so mean to the baby! but at the same time hes a great character in how he slowly “changes” throughout the movie. he is kind of an obvious “pixar ‘twist’ villain” but again, the amazing performance by ned beatty really saves him. also he does get a nice comeuppance at the end, which was necessary because hes really the biggest villain in the series so far. hes knowingly malicious and doesnt have any greater motive, hes just an embittered megalomaniac who (apparently) has sent other toys to be broken, thrown away, and incinerated at the landfill. he honestly deserves worse than being strapped to the front of a truck but it works for a family movie.

i have a couple more thoughts on 3 (i guess i did have a fair amount of stuff to say about it) but im getting tired of writing. the music is good as usual, but the vocal stuff being entirely back-loaded (in the credits) is a bit disappointing since ive always been a fan of the songs, but i get that they were going for something different. the jokes about ken being, uh, ‘flamboyant’ felt out of place, mostly the one at the end (”uh, buzz? barbie didnt write this”) because it comes from one of the gang and not unnamed lotso goon #3, but i guess its pretty tame in the scheme of things.

overall im really looking forward to seeing what 4 does with the series. whew!

#hopefully ill see 4 this weekend #personal essay #got pretty honkin long. click at your own risk

4 notes · View notes

3nch4nt3d-sn41l · 6 years

Text

absolutely cant even begin to understand the diane hate in bojack? what im so happy about re season 5 is they addressed practically point for point everything i wanted addressed and two of these things are 1. mr peanutbutter is an ass whos repeating destructive behaviour is what is driving people away from him and its diane feeling the pressure to live up to his vision of her that make her neurotic until she finally realises she cant keep up anymore and breaks it off.

2. diane is not the carbon copy evil twin parallel of bojack that miserable men desperately want her to be. she is NOT the same as bojack, she has flaws but just because she had made very questionable hurtful choices doesnt make her the same kind of person BOJACK is. honestly when ppl make this comparison it speaks VOLUMES to me about how a violent neglectful disrespectable manipulative selfish man is supposed to be the same level of bad as a woman who is very avoidant w a side of slight self absorbtion. like the misogyny is GLARING how the limits of what makes someone a "bad out of control person" are so strict for women but so fucking lax for men that people could look at these characters and think "oh yeah these are totally on the same level, they really are just as bad as each other"

what people really seem to not like about her is that "she takes the moral highground"... what the hell does that even mean??... she wants to do the right thing? she holds herself to good standards of behaviour? she expects goodness from the people she choses to keep in her life? she doesnt like it when people do mean things? IM COMPLETELY LOST! no one should like it when people are cruel? she wants to use the power that she has to make a positive difference where she can? everyone should be considerate of the impact they have on others and the messages that send to people especially people whos job it is to be in communications and media!

i just think what it comes down to is that the men who most identify w the toxic masculinity that bojack exemplifies cant stand women who speak out about cruelty and injustice and want to take action to change culture to stop people from getting away with it. and the virtue signaling bs they're so annoyed about imo is just insecurity bc they feel intimidated by her and they dont want the guilt of maybe i do this thing she says is bad or am i bad bc i dont care about this? so they reframe their guilt as a problem w diane for being a controlling bitch bc shed rather other people not constantly shit on and mistreat the people around them.

like she doesnt rag on anyone else, shes fine w PC shes fine w todd hell shes still pretty much fine w mr peanutbutter even tho they're divorcing and shes seen the really awkward and weirdly manipulative side of him. its just bojack shes constantly conflicts with and yet she still never truly hates him??? she is SO FUCKIN forgiving of him or at the very least understanding i DONT KNOW WHAT MORE U WANT FROM HER???

idk this has been a diane rant i just needed to say in this house we love and respect diane nguyen bc even tho she has done and continues to do fucked up shit when she said we are not the same i was YES GIRL TELL HIM!! TELL THEM ALL!!!

#big diane defense squad here #bojack horseman season 5 spoilers #bojack spoilers #im so TIRED OF EXTREMELY FREEZING COLD TAKES ON DIANE

37 notes · View notes

darlington-v · 2 years

Text

mm. im nitpicking a post i saw on my dash

theres a difference between challenging urself w ur phone versus challenging being okay with boredom

like idk how to tell you this but humans just typically arent okay with boredom to the point of risking harm just to NOT be bored. like obviously it's ok to be bored. but no one is asking you to be bored nor should you feel the need to be okay with boredom if you can prevent that. like, making urself be bored doesn't inherently assist u any further than oh im bored. maybe i'll use this time to be introspective.

challenging your entertainment coming from your phone is different though! phones can be overstimulating and can also just like... not really give us the room for thinking about anything. like theres a lot IN a phone.

phones can eat up our time! they can pull us away from time we should spend being introspective and time we should spend working on other things. phones can be a damaging source of entertainment, sure.

however, most humans just like. arent built to withstand boredom. like, that's what hobbies are for. i mean there are many things hobbies are for, but they are definitely activities spent that can fill up spaces of time that would just be spent doing nothing. like crocheting, sewing, journaling, drawing, coloring, etc etc. those things are stimulating and enjoyable, but theyre not overstimulating. they keep our hands busy but they don't bog us down with some of the shit that a phone would.

also, all of these are different from rest! like... if you're mentally drained, you're not going to want to do anything hands on like a hobby. you may want your phone because it's less energy but still stimulating? but you're going to know when you need rest, which comes back to like. humans will be self destructive if only just to get away from being bored. so, like, yeah! if you need a rest and a break from your phone and social media, that may be a struggle.

but that's not a struggle with boredom, that's a struggle with your phone and rest. which is super real and tons of people experience that, myself included.

like idk i dont think boredom is something to be appreciated as much as it is something we just have to cope with sometimes.

but idk i have adhd and am just generally neurotic as fuck, so to me boredom genuinely feels painful so ig it makes sense for my perspective to be "this is something i have to cope with" rather than "i can appreciate this"

like... idk maybe i misinterpretted but like idk i feel like appreciating boredom feels like unnecessary discipline and almost like a self punishment. like if the key is to spend more time being self introspective idk if that should be framed through the lens of "boring" because introspection isn't inherently boring.

#prince.txt #like girl no do not just stare at a wall for an hour go do something #like color or sew or like #any hobby literally

1 note · View note

sunbeambisexual · 6 years

Note

wait you're neurodivergent??

well im not diagnosed with anything other than depression (i don’t know if that alone would classify neurodivergency isnt really that Defined i feel) but growing up i definitely felt that my development was different from that of my peers im ways that have less to do with my material reality. i hyperfixate and remember lots of useless information and i struggle with mood swings and emotional impermanence and i can’t keep still im always fidgeting or picking at unevennesses on a nearby surface (usually my own skin yikes) and i either don’t know when to shut up or i don’t speak at all (its not really the same as going non-verbal but it happens) and i can easily get overwhelmed from too much sensory or emotional input and i’m quite neurotic about lots of things bc things have to go my way the same way i’ve always done them in the way that’s Right and otherwise i get upset and i can’t deal with a lot of Wrong textures and i have a hard time being socially connected (especially and groups) because my social battery runs out and i just don’t really like,, catch on. so yeah. it’s not really a clearcut thing with the signs of either ASD or ADHD or OCD or even just introversion and i don’t really find it useful (for myself that is) to self-diagnose with all of them at once because i just,, dont. maybe there’s some kind of different thing that all of those symptoms neatly fit into (i’m secretly hoping there is) but i doubt it, so i’m just kinda sticking with neurodivergent or atypical for now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#wow this is A Wall Of Text #im sorry anon i hope i answered your question sufficiently still lol #also thanks for reading my tags you probably have to put up with a lot of shit bc i practically use them as diary entries at this point #mine #neurodivergency #asks

1 note · View note

tamiddyinyourcity · 4 years

Text

3:59pm, Wednesday, January 1st of 2020!

Happy new Year! And New Decade!

My pussy has reset, i dont know any of them niggas that "supposedly" had sex with me. I am a born again virgin, body count is zero. Im not built like you sinners, the Men In Black erased any memory of a pe.... a pe... god ots so gross, i cant even say the word.

Bleh.

Anyways, in the first few hours of the new year, I....

Got locked inside of the mall for a few hours with no way out. It was actually quite fun, not gonna lie. I almost fazed into the backrooms though, until a security guard found me and i got the sweet, fresh air of the outside, instead of stuffy mall air.

Thought a man was overdosing/tripping balls on BART, but it turned out he was just sleepy and has naturally big eyes..... and I instantly hit on him afterwards. (Haha noo dont overdose on bart, ur too sexy a ha ha....)

It wasnt like that, i just went "yo are you okay???? oh wait, or are you just high?", since nigga had bulging red eyes and was lowkey weirding me out when he was staring at me.... He went "nah im just tired", and i saw his beautiful ass green eyes and said "your eyes are so pretty man??????", and he was like "thank you??", and blushed hella confused..... hope that dude is still chill for the next day.

Then got home at 3:30am, and long story short, some dude asked me out on a date over Instagram.... open to it.

And now this morning, got another message from a fellow, who upon seeing a picture of me in a sparkly dress, decided he WANTS SOME OF THIS ACTION and now is hoping to meet with me this week.

Lovely beginnings, enjoying that.

Still thinking of the few iffy moments that DID almost make my new years eve feel sad, but whatever, those people who were being salty had some really serious self worth issues that were not mine to deal with....

And i looked bomb as hell.

I think i still have body glitter on my arms.

Oh, and I almost called Patrick last night.

The thot summer one, not the neurotic and maladaptive one. We leaving these niggas in 2020.

I aaaaaalmost left a voicemail that was just gonna say, "Hey Patrick, youre a pussy ass bitch for being salty that i didnt like you any more. Maybe put in an effort, and maybe dont spend 4 months banging random girls and ignoring me, if you wanted me to still love you, stupid pussy".

But eh, instead of voicemail, he had answered.

I was waiting for the "please leave your message for.....", but it never came.

"....Hello? Patrick, is that you?"

"Hello? Tamia? Yeah, uh, hey there, uh, whats up? Whats goin on?"

I hung up.

.....I liked the sound of his voice, and appreciated that he still somewhat gave a fuck about me enough to pick up the phone.

So, I simply said, "Hey Patrick. Yeaaaaah, sorry, I expected a voicemail and was gonna say some mean ass shit, soooo yeah see ya talk to you later", and hung up..... yknow, like a normal person would do.

Yeah, he's still hurt over things.

Can I blame him? (Yes.)

But to an extent, me deciding I didn't want his raw dick inside of me, when he already did the whole "we shouldn't have sex, its too soon out of your last recent relationship" talk to me.... then trying to rub it against me...... yeaaaaaaah, imma still say no, and you cant be mad about that.

But it seems like that shit rarely works, the "lets not have sex" talk with two teenagers sharing a bed with each other.

But the difference is, I didn't bang XPatrick since he lacked passion, stimulation, and was just so boring.

And since I missed NPatrick. (I make up two many nicknames for these two? I hope no ones getting confused....)

And well, XPatrick thought sex would work without genuinely caring about me, talking about his repressed emotions, and overall *expecting* it got his dick left high and dry in his bedroom that day.

Meanwhile, later that week, NPatrick and I *communicated* about our problems. Talked about what happened while we were separated, about if we still felt anything for eachother, all that....

We talked about the hard shit, and didn't pretend there wasn't an elephant in the room.

And.... yeah. Things went better.

We did also have the "we shouldn't have sex, since its so early in our relationship" talk.

And he followed it.

Then of course we woke up, and it was like, "Hey Patrick, good morning, how are you feeling?", and his beautiful, squinty-eyed, big grin having self, smiled and stretched while saying, "Eeeeeeungh.... horny", and smiled.

Then we talked about it, and it was like.... Sure, as long as we both consent and are aware of the consequences.

It wasnt the worlds best bang, but i mean, if he hadnt gotten laid since we broke up, hes just rusty..... oral was mindblowing, though.

And yeah, I'm 100% more open to get my brains fucked out by someone that communicates like a healthy acting person would, instead of someone that shys away from their problems, or cant prove they genuinely give a fuck about how i feel.

No matter how big their dick is. (XPatrick had that thang on him, but.... i dont like big dicks like that. And he already was just so iffy of a guy, it just was a repulsive idea...)

And yeah.

Focusing on the short film ideas i have.

Sounds good.

#life #me

0 notes

ggiame · 7 years

Text

all the stuff under the cut

Everything is wrong at the moment, its 70 degrees in february, DT is president, and everything just seems transitional and out of place and temporary. I have 6 jobs right now. im working all the time and yet theres no money. i dont know. just having one of those weird surreal chunks of weeks that im trying to capture with a long text post on a public forum. here we go.

(heads up, me and my therapist named and externalized my anxiety into a character I call ‘chanel’ after the terrible ex and I quote her for clarities sake when ‘quoting’ my anxiety. so yeah. thats who chanel is)

money:

none, somehow.

work:

float sixty, leghorn chicken, aloft reception, pole teaching, online tutor, property manager, and also segway is coming back and also maybe still street performing? dude.

okay highlights version

F60: my boss is Lia, a White Lady who used to work in the beauty industry and is On. a. Diet. She is neurotic and perfectionistic but also a weird hippie which is an odd combination of traits i happen to understand well so we get along nicely. She likes me and I like her. All of my co workers seem cool. Also There is a Cute Boy there who i know next to nothing about.

LH: wow okay its food service but i really like my co workers and also the food is decent but not addicting and i do make some tips. Im making friends there the fastest but its also the job im least attached to. conflicting feelings.

Prop Man: oh my god. rats. broken washing machines. broken stoves. intrigue. sabotage. tune in sundays at 8/7c

My family was joking yesterday that i have the “Karlin Family Work Ethic” and that i was doing too much but somehow i still feel like a lazy, useless, slug who should really just work a little harder. Weird.

The injury-----

The elbow is healing relatively fast. it still feels like a year and a day since i last climbed a rope. its probably two weeks out from being -mostly- functional. right now its int htat good enough for life but not for circus zone. Also now im kinda scared of going back up a rope. which is. not. good. but ill deal with when i get there. fear is the worst. ugh.

FeElings-------------

Okay theres a lot of relationship feelings stirring around in my life despite the fact that i have no significant other and here’s why.

boys:

east coast boy- just as bad at keeping in itstouch as I am. is still wonderful. but its been so long theres really only echoes left.

west coast boy: all that weird buildup for an extremely short lived fling that did next to nothing to release all that pent up wierdness. it continues. This boy is much better at keeping in contact. its getting harder for me to keep talking to him as it gets clearer that neither of us is going anywhere soon.

work boy: cute, seems cool, but i have no idea who he is at all.

tinder boy: i like him a lot, but im not attracted to him yet and i dont want to do that to another person. also can i make myself be attracted to someone? thats playing with too many things. no answers yet. needs more pondering.

Other work boy: Chanel “he did not come to the diner with you on valentines day. has not liked any of your social media posts. probably hates you and also thinks youre ugly. its okay you probably wont see him for another two months.”

Girls and others:

Theres a couple straight girls im into and we all know how that goes. They have boyfriends. it sucks.

the circus one:i havent seen this person in a frustratingly long time. dammit.

also im still afraid of flirting with girls because of Amber Chanel B. the Ex from Hell. which is super awesome.

not.

The Room Mate:

1) is mysterious and doesnt say much

2) is clearly in a bad mood a lot. cause shes working sleeping or working out and never gets a second to herself.

3) which totally means that shes mad AT ME ALL THE TIME

4) and she has taken this super central place in my anxiety tornado which I am now worried that she is aware of and annoyed by. which is also part of the tornado. yeah.

The pot:

wow i started to get into serious problem territory this past month and i felt it building up to the moment. which happened a few days ago. i came to this conclusion

- I have the capabilities of controling and being responsible with my drug usage but my situation right now is making that difficult. The next time i end up on solid emotional ground ill stop until the cravings go away.-

and here i am. the good weather is helping a lot and i finally felt ready to cut myself off for a while, so i smoked it all and now im out and well see how this goes.

Bonus---Musings on hunger and stuff-----

So body talk.

Ive been injured and unable to exercise the way i like

ive taken a job in a fried chicken place.

so yeah i have some weight gain and acne and loss of muscle tone and its making my body image issues flare up. So ive been doing okay and I havent made myself vomit but I have been eating noticeably less and ive started to just kinda let myself be hungry more which is something i had forgotten about.

and then i was thinking about it and I realize that im part of this weird subgroup of extremely priveleged people who also know what its like not to eat for 3 days at a time, or what its like to eat less than a thousand calories a day for more that a month, and that I got complimented for what that did to me. I would sleep through classes and almost pass out when i stood up all the time but i weighted 105 pounds and everyone said i looked great. its a weird thing especially cause it was never really about how I looked, and was entirely about trying to control myself when i have needs that are at odds with my situation.

Then i thought about last year when i was training so much that my body could not get enough food, but my anxiety and depression were at such a place that I could barely eat, and the way that kind of hunger was different. I had never vomited from hunger before but I got to find out what that was like. That was where the weed problem really started btw cause if I hadnt had pot last year I would not have eaten at all and would probably be dead. Having anxiety so bad that your stomach clenching makes you nauseous and then you get nauseous with hunger on top of that and then you have to fly to ankansas to be at your fav cousins wedding and manage to pull it off and not be a zombie. whew.

Also I would like to thank lin manuel miranda because (along with pot) Hamilton is what got me through that experience.

yeah.

thats all for now.

#TMI #body stuff #life stuff #boy stuff #girl stuff #all the stuff #journal

4 notes · View notes

tigerdrop · 4 years

Note

okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........ he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

#asky #writin stuff

47 notes · View notes

cleargreengames · 5 years

Text

i just need to vent for a minute

so like this is all set against the backdrop of my life is a huge disaster (and i am a huge disaster) but im not gonna be specific about that cause its not the main thing im thinking about in this moment, and like i am not wanting it to sound like i think thats cool and blah blah blah. you get it im sure. so yeah im just mentioning it for the context and cause like tbh im pretty actively worried about like dying/how much longer i can survive so thats the back drop. but i want to vent about how stressed out and frustrated i am from trying to work on a million different things at once.its like compulsive to a big degree for me to do these things. making things is all i can do and all i feel any value in for my life but i also feel a neurotic pressure in that i need to do it. when i stop working on something i can maybe sit through like a youtube video or an episode of a cartoon (a movie if its really grabbing) and then i just become miserable until i start working again. and like my fear and anxiety about my crumbling life is really exacerbating this and in my head and heart its like this very loud presence of “rebecca, you have so much to do and so little time” but i am someone who cannot and will not rush. so if i need to be finishing things faster it means i need to work a lot harder and as close to literally nonstop as possible which i know is unhealthy but that isnt whats important really. i have so many ideas for things i want to do and make that it feels like my brain will pop. like i have so many ideas that it makes me cry a lot and not cause of being sad or being stressed out just i feel so fucking overwhelmed by my racing thoughts and how much i feel i need to do this cause its my only connection to life. (i need to interject real quick im talking about my like workwork artwork not the fanart or videos i have this blog for). ive moved around my sleeping and eating habits which have always been erratic and probably pretty bad to basically eliminate sleep as much as possible/ i will nap a bit every day or 2 to try and stay a little bit lucid (i accidentally slept for 4 hours this morning though and im like “ahhh oh fuck”) . i dont know....i guess like what im saying is like this is taking a pretty big toll on me and its not like im a very strong person to carry extra weight lol / so im just kinda freaking out a little bit. cause im working on so many different types of art projects, and even like whether its music or video or design or writing im working on a myriad of things in each category and thats only the counting the counting the ones i can actively make some progress on in an imeadiate and daily fashion and im not even talking about the larger scale video and performance projects which are right now a little biut to big to adress and jesus im stressed out that i will not get a chance to start making progress on thbose. - - this is just more than i can adequately handle. my health and mentality are really poor right now and i just need to get it off my chest to someone or the void lol so i guess how it connects to why i have this blog is obviously i havent posted or recorded a gameplay video in a bit. this isnt a really big deal. i can obviously afford to put that on the backburner, and i dont have an audience im disappointing or anything. i do have some already recorded game videos piled up but i havent had time to edit them. even the ones ive already posted are clearly pretty sloppy and not fully up to my standard which i dont like but its the one area where i can afford to sorta cut corners right now lol it sucks because recording and editing those is weird and fun. and obviously i like playing games both cause its fun and i just find video games so so so interesting. ive wanted to record lets-plays for a long time, and at the end of the day i want to do that (and will pick up where i left off asap) for myself, but i also think with a bit of practice and a bit more time for editing i could be alright at making gaming videos eventually, and it would be fun to have a platform just to try and entertain people, cause my artwork is not really made with the mindset of making something “entertaining” per se. especially not the stuff im most activley working on. idek. plus i guess like more people might be interested in my work if they already knew me from somewhere else, and id like more people to see my art. so yeah i had to pase making those for now. i might record a bit later just to like, take a moment to re collect myself, like i said before i cant help but make things to big for myself. even in just making lets-plays im trying to bite off more than i can chew . im trying to get thru many games at once and have some slightly weird plans for down the line with that. idek. i recorded 5 episodes of a horror themed podcast but i scrapped them and im gonna restart making the show from scratch now. but thats not until i can clear time for that. i need to stop ranting omg okay i hope this isnt too cringe. im not gonna proofread it cause im afraid i wont post it if i do. i dont even mean for this to be complaining. i love what i do. im just really really really really stressed out

#venting #personal #stress #autism #just a rant #trans gamers #blah #stream of thought

0 notes

somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

Text

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

0 notes