#and like again its not even that im giving up ots like this just isn't the place for it. like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nlerb · 8 months

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I feel like I'm in the process of orchestrating a highly elaborate sociological experiment on myself like i have never felt as autistic as I do right now sorry. I feel like it's a 50/50 split between days where I feel kinda confident and feel like I can get started, and days where it's like idk if I can do this like I feel like a screengrab of an anime character where they're like going insane and it's super zoomed in between their eyes. I think the cognitive dissonance that happens when I am trying to work through the issues I set out to when I started in this environment where I have no support and in fact everyones actions are in fact counter to what I'm trying to do is just like too much for me to take and actually make good work. I feel like I'm doing everything completely by myself and I just can't function that way and it feels like the walls are closing in bc at the end of all this shit I have to like present to people about it and like display my work. And leading up to this I'd been putting so much stock in it as like a release valve for all the shit I was like fucking bearing witness to but there's no release it feels like it's just like building up more and more and it's about to blow dude. And within all that idek if the thesis of what I was originally trying to say is even like sound anymore. Like I'm basically trying to fucking. confront this enormous fucking problem singularly and by myself and say something prescient about it. When I knowwww the way to actually do something about it is to connect with an org and organize about it. Like when it came to going to the admin about making the studio more accessible I knew I needed more ppl behind me than just me and I asked anyway and they were like no sorry we aren't doing that. Like individually none of us are empowered to do anything about this it's about collectivity and community, that's where we have power. I think maybe in order to make this work with any sense of integrity or like weight behind it I need to actually build something collectively first or else it's just hollow. Or at the very least it's just way too fucking difficult to take on by myself. Like I feel so on edge all the fucking time I feel surrounded. Jeeeesus Christ dude. So from there it's like should I just completely switch gears and come up with something else? I feel like it's either that or leave. Or muscle through and barely show up to the studio bc the feedback loop I've created for myself at this point is just pure dread and idk if I can keep it up much longer. And part of me feels like it would be giving up to postpone this project that I really believe in in a lot of ways. But also I know it's important to know when to quit. Like it's not that I'm not good enough to do it it's that I just don't have to tools right now so I think I gotta cut my losses. And make work about like perfumes. Or some shit. like maybe I don't have to have the whole fucking world on my shoulders and there are no easy answers. But also no matter what even if I didn't make anything I think I will have gained the lesson of realizing that no matter what I gotta start actually organizing and working with ppl who are already doing the work. Like I think even though this fucking sucks and feels bad and is embarrassing right now this is actually a really fuckin important experience

#like part of me coming to this conclusion is like what the fuck am i even doing here i need to start volunteering like right fucking now.#and maybe thats ehag i should do like start while im still here why not #and like rhe only time ive felt normal in the studio and had momentum was when i was making something that had nothing ti do #with what i came here yo make work about #and i could beat myself up about that but like idk maybe its okay if i can't entirely process and then produce inspired work #about like fucking trauma that is ongoing and yet processed. like maybe i should allow myself to #process those things on my own first before like fucking laying it all out there for everyone to see #and like again its not even that im giving up ots like this just isn't the place for it. like #like i think i thought doing an artist residency was what i was supposed to be dojng and would solve all my problems #like going to a new city and shit #and like i am realizing stuff so that is great ig thats what i cane for after all was to gain perspective #also yo im sitting in the hallway typing this and the ligjts just went off ao im sitting in the dark lmfaooo #lemme get up before the like lock me in here on accident #bjc

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yelshin · 1 year

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RHYTHM GAMES |

dorm leaders with a s/o who's really good at rhythm games(and if they tried playing one)

An: I HAVE DONE IT. IM FREE. my hands r shaking when im about to press post

Tw/Cw: None

一RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

at first he didn't care(1) but when he saw you playing on Cater's phone he was amazed by how you cleared those weird-looking piano tiles without making any mistakes. (i could never) once you offered him to play he was a bit hesitant but you gave him a tip to start at normal level, and now you become his personal teacher at rhythm games. But he rarely plays it because he prioritize his grades first

一LEONA KINGSCHOLAR

at first he didn't care(2) but it confuse him; the way your fingers tap on the screen he knew that you were playing a piano-like game. There are times that he got a little bit dizzy while lazily watching your fingers tap on the screen furiously. BUT if u dare to play rhythm game while you both are on your cuddling session you will say goodbye to your precious device. Will never play because he's too lazy for it.

一AZUL ASHENGROTTO

he's busy(making contracts) to care whatever your playing but once he heard from Floyd how good you are at rhythm games he can't help but challenge you; even tho in the end he looses. If he has free time he will barge in the ramshackle dorm and challenge you again. But instead he always ends up going back to his dorm with the new things he learned from you.

一KALIM AL-ASIM

When you recommended him to play with you he was like: ":0 sounds fun!" And start to giggle like a kid. But when he saw you play he was OVER the moon, he keep praising how good you are at rhythm games and wanted you to teach him some times. When he first tried playing his speed match his happiness making you a little bit worried for kalim because its his first try yet he have those very fast speed.

一VIL SCHOENHEIT

Too busy to care what your playing (2) but sometimes when he's doing his make up Infront of his vanity he looks at your reflection at the mirror while you're sitting on his bed; obviously playing. He gets worried that your eyes have been glued on the screen which will be bad for your eyesight(?). At first he doesn't wanna try it but gives up when you keep pestering him. God when he played he was so so confused but when you guide him he immediately learn it fast, but still he still wont play rhythm games. Well unless he wants to

一IDIA SHROUD

you two are literally made for each other. Both of you mostly do co-op with each other (idk if that is possible to other type ot rhythm games tho) and if he missed a combo you we're there to cover him up; which is why he was blessed to have a lover like you. AND he will spend money for both of you. If it has gacha he's right there updating you for events. I bet he's THAT one player who have 11+ as their speed.

一MALLEUS DRACONIA

Out of all dorm leaders he's the one who gets confused more. He doesn't even know how technology works but Lilia is always there to teach him. He once caught you and Lilia playing together so he thought he could ask you for some help with the game. It took him centuries to get everything, but when he decides to try he keeps getting so many miss; you still wonder how he isn't mad about loosing a combo but confused instead. When you were playing on expert level he just sits there and watch your fingers move at the screen; amazed on how you can keep up with those notes. And you went through another year of explaining again.

twst and genshin impact taglist are open!

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urfavhippi · 5 months

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Musician and her Swordmen (zoro x femreader!)

One Shot!! Zoro x Musician! Reader that plays guitar!

(MY first one on here guys!! Im excited.😁 also MERRY CHRISTMAS!! )

Femreader!!

Tbh I'm currently writing this bc I'm bored and I think I just broke my toe 😀 but I'm eating lasagna later so it's okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Name) stayed still. Except for the occasional shiver as the wind blew harshly. Ofcourse it had to be her turn tonight out of all nights that it was snowing.

While all the other strawhats were snoozing away in the comforts of their warm beds. She was sitting here in the freezing. Yet as she looked up and saw how the moon reflected across the ocean. How the stars glittered the night sky.

Moments like this were so special. As a pirate ESPECIALLY on luffys crew. You never really got a chance to relax. Much less by yourself. Alone time wasn't very frequent. The peaceful quietness. It was almost blissful.

(Name) found herself almost passing out as she gazed at the stars. Shaking herself awake she sighed. Having a moment like this. There was one other thing that she hadn't done in a while.

Slinking back down the ladder stealthily so she didn't wake anyone up. The musician slowly cracked open the door to her shared room with nami and robin before she grabbed her guitar. Tattered and old. It looked like it had been through a lot.

The stories that had came with this guitar. The weight it held. Lives its saved. As crazy as it sounded. It saved hers too. She closed the door quietly before going back up to the crows nest.

"Alright!~ Lets see if I still got it~" (Name) spoke to herself as she cracked her knuckles. Before her hands fit the guitar perfectly. As if it was made for her. She immediately started playing a soft and mellow tune.

Somehow it brought it all together. The middle of the night while she's humming along to melodies she hadn't even remembered she could play. Getting lost in the music. It was only when she heard a thud down below did she stop.

Right before (Name) went to go see what the noise was. A familiar head of green hair appeared. It was just zoro. Her bestfriend. And the man who stole her heart.

She relaxed and groaned softly to herself. Leaning back against the mast. "What're you doing up?" She asked snarkily while she raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it past your bed time greenie?~" She added on to tf he small jest sarcastically as she grinned.

The swordsmen finished climbing into the crows nest. The only acknowledgment she got was a grumpy grumble and a glare. Before he sat down next to her. Their shoulders touching. "Couldn't sleep." He said quietly.

(Name) glanced at him before looking back at the stars. Only giving him a small hum. A comforting and tranquil silence hung over the two. Neither needed anymore words. Just eachothers presence.

Zoro glanced at (Name). Or more like behind her. He nodded to the guitar. "You play?" The girl gave him a bashful smile as she shrugged, looking away. "A little bit. I used to be better. But it's been a while so I'm pretty rusty." She hummed lightly, not thinking too much of the question.

The swordsmen was tired. Yet he couldn't have stopped himself from dragging himself up here. Moments like this were peaceful, when ot was just the two of them. Enjoying eachothers company.

"I'll be the judge of that." He said simply with a sly smirk. Watching the girl mess with the guitar. He yawned softly as he crossed his arms for warmth. "Play somethin for me."

Zoro said it so casually. As if it was as simple as that. (Name) gave him a look with a small smile. The two shared intense eye contact for a second. "Only if you say please." She gave him a playful nudge.

"Not gonna happen." He replied with a small smirk, the usual stoic and gruff reply. Tinted with the faintest hint of amusement as he nudged her back lightly. (Name) only smiled before turning her attention to the guitar. She began to play again. Humming softly as the calming and relaxing music flowed through the air.

The musician missed the sight of th green haired males eyes drooping as he fought to keep himself up. She had been helping him relax so he could get his much needed sleep.

Before she knew it. (Name) would feel a warm weight on her shoulder. Zoro fell asleep. His head resting on her shoulder. The musician set her guitar aside. His warmth surrounding her and enveloping her whole. She wrapped her blanket around them both as the sun began to set.

Maybe night watch wasn't that bad. Maybe she should play her music more often.

(Lmk if tall want more or if you want to request something!!)

#zoroxreader #zoro #xreader #musician #guitar #one piece

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ftpverse · 10 months

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Fragmented at Best an early FtPverse Riku angst mix

what it says on the tin. a replica boy who has a new life and a chance to start over but starting over isn't easy, is it? healing never is

-> [ listen ] <-

tracklist + liner notes under the cut

lies - evanescence you will never be strong enough you will never be good enough you were never conceived in love

hurting for a very hurtful pain - soraru & lon (とても痛い痛がりたい) i want you, it's you i want. // it shouldn't hurt anymore, but… the awful pain's right here in my chest…

imperfection - skillet can i be somebody else for all the times i hate myself

marionette - kredo (instrumental)

never forgive, never forget - the dear hunter but i was damned from the very start and bound by crooked plan then i was left for dead with my head in the ground and my hands tied behind my back

breaking the habit - linkin park memories consume, like opening the wound i'm picking me apart again

song to say goodbye - placebo you are one of god's mistakes you crying, tragic waste of skin

nothing left here to burn - lovers and liars broken record on the stereo shattered glass from a past i can't let go i hope to hell this is the last time i ever hurt

-error - kagamine len cover am i broken? i'm broken all right even so, i want, i want to breathe

sleepsong - bastille all you want is someone onto who you can cling

in your skin - lifehouse wake up, take a breath, remember why you're even breathing you're still alive give in, give it up, you're the only one believing in all of your lies

---

some other notes:

this was salvaged from across like 3 mixes minimum lol. me cherrypicking the best songs and then furiously punching them into a coherent narrative. most of the songs i left out were Extremely Angst Focused to the point of being like. kind of hard for me to listen to haha. and mostly jsut there as angst for angst sake instead of really 100% fitting him; however shoutout to already over pt2 by RED (very fond of but something i could not tonally fit in the mix) and castle of glass by linkin park (song that has always made me think about repliku general that i'm fond of but really is too repliku general and not ftpverse specific enough, haha)

shoutout also to soulseeker by thomas bergerson, which i do consider to be one if riku's soundtrack themes, with marionette being the other. while i love the angry/desperate refrain of soulseeker quite a bit, it's just... marionette is the better of the two of riku's soundtrack themes, especially for this mix, because of: 1) better song flow 2) more coherent 3) i just like it way more and remember always regretting not knowing about it when i made the soundtrack/mixes that preceded me discovering it haha. the angry refrain is much more raw and the use of electronics (a genre i enjoy more than general orchestral and also relate to him more; both as a character and as a music genre he likes to listen to) just feels more fitting . for him . to me.

soulseeker is great out of tsfh's library but sometimes they can't all be tsfh songs, you know. (<- sentences that only really mean anything to me and probably just magik, but maybe also to the five people who were keeping up with the blogspot in 2013-2014)

other than that my thoughts are general 1) you WILL take my vocaloid songs and you WILL like it 2) me frantically picking one of three potential lifehouse songs... i forget the runner ups but in the end "in your skin" both fuckored me more and was more fun to listen to :)

er, and, 3) i went with breaking the habit over somewhere i belong becuase somewhere i belong was in the TTH ost mix lol!!! and also because breaking the habit means a lot ot me!!!!! for ftp riku!!! it's a classic!!!!

also its funny becuase sleepsong is quite not early angst (i strongly relate it to a chapter inthe 160s of dead inside lol) but thats fine its fine

last thought: im so mad i couldn't think of a better cover for the mix but who care..... was not deseprate enough to reread the manga about it lol

#3/3 mixes i had to salvage #c: riku #b1:tth #b0:com #b2:ftp #DI:part1 #soundtrack #mixes

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cow-jumping-over-the-moon · 1 year

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i feel so stupid im overreacting

so my boyfriend gave me goldfish bc he gives me snacks every morning (because he's amazing). and I started to eat the goldfish in class because there were a lot of people eating things so i thought nobody would be paying attention and it wouldn't make me look bad to eat them then or anything. and I was right, the fact that I was eating goldfish isn't what started the spiral. my friend asked me if she could have a few goldfish and I thought "I want the goldfish tho" and my fucking eating disorder INSTANTLY latched onto that thought. "why won't you give them to her? why do you want them? do you think you need them? do you think you deserve them? you shouldn't have eaten the ones you had. you shouldn't have eaten today you should have thrown them away as soon as you got them. you don't deserve to eat them, your boyfriend only gives them to you to make sure you eat so youre fatter than him." (that's not why he gives me snacks AT ALL).

and so i gave them to her but then I instantly felt guilty because my partner gave them to me how could I be so selfish as to just give them away especially since I wanted them if he found out i gave them away when I still wanted to eat them because of this he'd be so upset. but i dont deserve them my friend deserves them she asked for them i shouldn't have even thought about keeping them god that makes me look like such a fatass the fact that I even THOUGHT about keeping them. but i gave them away and i didn't want to BUT i didn't deserve them but i was going to eat them and now my plans for what i eat today are all fucked up and I WAS GOING OT EAT THEM AND I GAVE THEM AWAY BUT ITS GOOD THAT I GAVE THEM AWAY BECAUSE I DIDN'T FUCKING DESERVE THEM I SHOULD NEVER FUCKING EAT AGAIN.

and on top of that everything is making sounds and I don't have my headphones and just being in the vicinity of the friend i gave the goldfish to makes me want to cry again. and im sitting across from her and shes singing and tapping her fingers on the desk and on her swithc and god she is SO ANNOYING I CAN'T STAND HER AND SHES GOING TO HAVE TO FUCKING SIT AT LINCH WITH ME TODAY. ugh im rooming with her during our trip in the summer. i should kill myself before the trip so i dont have to room with her.

or I'll just starve to death before the trip because, like i said, I'm never eating again <3 especially not goldfish. ever.

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h0neyjaehyun · 4 years

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☁︎ 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐎𝐤𝐚𝐲 ☁︎

Summary // Tali sees her leader overwhelmed with all the members that appeared for the new black on black comeback and seemed to almost breakdown.

Characters // Talia Flores + Lee Taeyong (mentions: Nct Members ot 18, blackpink,Miguel, her mother)

Era / Year // May 2018

Word Count //

⚠️Warning⚠️ // breakdown, stress,

Tali always admired Taeyong. She knew he made mistakes in his past and he wanted to make up for them. She related to that, she didn't know what he did, but did relate to the feeling of redemption.

Tali's past was filled with vandalism, running away from the cops etc. She always admired Taeyong for his patiences, and he is one of the people that would fit the description of a person's past does not define them, it only defines how they came to be.

Tali came back from a Blackpink practice, tired of all the rules she has to learn again, since she hasn't had a comeback in Blackpink in a year basically. She has performed but nothing more. She had to relearn some rules to follow since they all are from different companies and all need a unique rules to fit them. At the moment they are trying to decide if Tali is allowed to have interaction with NCT when she is with Blackpink, since most female groups are not allowed to interact with male idols, some even if they are in the same company.

They are leading towards a no, so it can be fair with Rin as she has yet to debut in a boy group. She thinks its ridiculous, but gets it at the same time, they won't really hear her out since she only 18 and people think she doesn't know any better. So whats the point, and the thing is she has to tell her leader, and as a position as co-leader is basically needed so she can help control the dreamies especially right now since they are all together in a big group of 19.

She feels bad knowing they are probably gonna say no to be able to interact with them and putting all the responsiblity on their leader.

She walked to his room unsure on how to tell him, the problem thats probably gonna occur. She knocked on his door and stepped back to give some room to open the door.

"Oh Tali, do you need something?" Taeyong asked wondering why she is here instead of dreamies dorm.

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Yeah sure come on in."

Tali moved on his bed and he sat next to her.

"So, we had a meeting today about rules in Blackpink since all the girls are from different companies and groups. Since Im a girl in a group of boys they are thinking not to let me interact with you guys when Im with Blackpink." Tali finished now looking at Taeyong for some type of reaction. But he didn't react he was frozen. Shocked on how just because she is in a group of boys that she is not allowed to interact with because she is around girls how does that make sense. Then he thought, isn't she a co- leader too??

"Did you tell them that your the co- leader of the group, and that you need to be there so we have help to have things under control?" Taeyong asked now worried when the group is together, since the others are still young. Yes, some are the same age as Tali but they don't have the leadership skills like Tali does when it comes down to it as in decision making and work.

Tali nodded her head yes, "They shoved it off like it was nothing, they said because I was just 18 I didn't know much." Tali stated.

Taeyong was done he was frustrated and tired from the comebacks to the trying to make the new members comfortable, then making sure he sees everything is under control, and then this happens.

He was just frustrated.

Tali knew it was coming, the breakdown. She saw it build up from the starting of this month. She didnt know how to approach him so she figured giving him information that probably he won't like would make him click into letting it all out. She didn't want him to hold it all in, and she always busy so in that moment she took advantage of to help her leader.

Taeyong started crying out of frustration, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he kept repeating apologies crumbling down in Tali's arms. "What are you sorry for you didn't do anything wrong?" Tali said softly, playing with his hair trying the comfort him. "I'm just so tired and frustrated and I was happy to have your help then you tell me this and your getting discriminated." Taeyong just kept saying all his thoughts, slowing laying down on Tali, crying in her neck.

"Yongie"

"Yes"

"Your a great leader, whether you know it or not. I couldn't ask for a better leader, your understanding and patient, have a great personality. Always supportive and bubbly. Always looking forward for a good time, caring for your chaotic members. Its fine to feel this way and please, when you feel this way its okay to come to me too, as you said im the co-leader after all." Tali said softly rubbing his back and playing with his hair noticing he going to sleep.

"Tali."

"Hm?"

"Thank you for everything you've done for me, your probably tired from all the comebacks you're so strong, one day I hope I can be as strong as you." Taeyong whispered.

Tali froze at the comment, noticing that he fell asleep. Tali thought I'm not strong no where near, I couldn't even leave her behind, I let her effect me.

Tali's phone dinged she grabbed it successfully without waking up Taeyong and it came from her brother.

Miguel:We have a problem

Tali:What kind of problem?

Miguel:She left a package for me...

Tali was stunned, she didn't want to think who it actually was, not her

Tali:No Miguel don't pull this with me

Miguel:Why the hell would I lie about this she sent me a package Talia its pictures of you and your members out eating, and I'm pretty sure you didn't post these picture.

Tali was scared, not for her life but her members. Her mother was crazy. And if she sent this to her brother she knows, she is back in town and ready to do crazy things. Only her friends and Straykids understand and its only in the middle of summer.

Tali started silently crying out of fear. She never cried about a sasaengs when they sent her pictures out with a member or playing with a dog mostly because its more bark and no bite. But her mother has bite.

Tali looked down at Taeyong who was pasted out hugging her tightly. She hug him back afriad he would go away and leave her alone then she went into deep slumber with her memories slowing fading away into peaceful sleep.

But Thanksgiving was coming, which means family, which means, her show.

#nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct u #nct additional member #nct 2020 #nct dream 8th member #nct au #nct imagines #fanfic #nct female member #nct female oc #nct female addition #nct fake texts #nct 24th member #nct 22nd member #nct tali #nct taeyong

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