#and my back but that’s ovarian cyst pain not regular pain
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#what hurts today?#always my knees especially the left one#and my back but that’s ovarian cyst pain not regular pain#but I took an oxycodone a couple hours ago so I’m Gucci atm 😂😂#i’m high have a tiktok😘
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Hello! This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about for a while, but was never sure who to talk about it with. I’ve also felt very drawn to this blog lately and after reading some of the experiences here, I got the courage to finally talk about my own!
I’ve wondered for a while if I could possibly be on the intersex spectrum. I hyperfixated on intersex posts and articles because autism; most recently been reading about hyperandrogenism, PCOS, and NCAH as symptoms seemed relatable to me I think? I've also had this feeling for a while of the intersex label resonating with me and found reading intersex peoples' experiences comforting. But I hesitate to use the label as I'm not sure if it'd be valid for me to. Would it?
I've been questioning and am yet to have tests done to confirm anything (+no health insurance). In the meantime, here's my story! I apologize again for the length; a lot of long-suppressed rambling ahead.
(cw: includes genitalia talk)
[ 25 / afab / biracial poc ]
I had precocious puberty starting at around 4 yrs old. I didn’t get my period, but my early puberty did include these:
Minor breast development
Strong body odor
Body hair (especially pubic, belly, and armpit)
Acne
Growth spurt (+was a "tall kid" until reaching my final height of 5'1'' at around 13)
Voice deepening
Clitoral enlargement (+often had issues with friction against it growing up, especially when wearing jeans, causing discomfort while walking. Caused me to walk funny sometimes. As an older kid, I described it as “half-thumb size” and still find that pretty accurate).
My mom once told me she took me to a doctor about my unusual early puberty where they just suggested some hormone-related treatment (puberty blocker I assume?), which she declined.
Aside from that (+urinary incontinence for much of my childhood), I had an otherwise 'normal' and healthy childhood, though had uncomfortable experience with peoples' reactions to my body. One I remember most was a swim class where while in the girls’ changing room, the other kids jumped away from me and loudly exclaimed about my body hair as I was changing into my swimsuit, treating me like I was scary. Never changed outside a stall again.
Returning to the topic of puberty; what I considered my “second puberty” started at around 10-11. This time I experienced more breast development, hips widened, worse acne, increased body & facial hair growth, periods started…
I think my periods were always regular but always SUPER painful + very heavy. Often during the first (or second) day of my periods, cramps got so bad I could barely move around and felt nauseous. I can't remember if my mom got me checked about this problem, but it'd be my “normal” for as long as I can remember. I'd also sometimes get a brief subtle 'sharp' pain (sometimes a slight ache) or "pull" sensation toward one side (especially when stretching) that I was told could be ovarian cysts. Still feel these sometimes. {*Side note: I have 2 sisters, both have infrequent periods and one is confident she has PCOS, though neither tend to experience cramps when they do get their periods.}
Growing up, my mom often made remarks about my hairiness and hormones and taught me to keep my legs shaved + had me regularly pluck my facial hair instead of shaving it (she thought shaving it would "make the hair grow back thicker"). Was always painful, but became a habit. I'd also get comments about my voice sometimes from people (especially in my teens) as it was always considered pretty deep. I began often speaking in a higher pitch on purpose to sound more like what folks considered "feminine". The way my traits were treated made me feel very insecure about myself for a long time.
Thankfully, in the past couple years, I've lived away in a peaceful space where I could learn to find comfort and love for my body. I no longer felt pressured to keep up an image. I stopped shaving and eventually stopped the facial hair plucking (which was challenging, as my mom made it a habit since my childhood). I now have a little stache I'm happy with and my chin hairs have been really coming in. It's so neat seeing the hair growth there after a lifetime of plucking it away when it tried growing. The look I have now even gives me gender euphoria (I'm masc nonbinary, a relatively new realization) and I feel very cool and handsome when I look in the mirror! I also found that my leg hair is thicker than my dad's and my brother's, which is a fact I'm quite proud of. I am very happy with myself and more comfortable in my body than I've ever been, though also more contemplative about my unusual development experience.
That's about all! I apologize again for the lengthy Ask but it felt nice to finally discuss these things somewhere, and I really appreciate that you took the time to read it! I also hope your day is going well! (And of the time of this Ask, Happy Juneteenth!! ❤️)
Hi anon! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, and sorry that it took us a little bit to answer your ask.
As always, disclaimer that we are not medical professionals and can't diagnose you over the internet, but we are happy to give you some variations to look into and do more research on!
Based on everything you've listed, it does definitely sound possible that you might have an intersex variation. Things like clitoral enlargement, more body hair, voice deepening, and more acne all sound like signs of a more testosterone based puberty. It sounds like you most likely have a uterus and vagina due to mentioning your periods, but correct me if I'm wrong. You mentioned PCOS and CAH, and I think those would both be good places to start looking into. With everything you've stated and the extent of your traits, I personally think that CAH would be more likely than PCOS.
CAH is also a recognized cause of precocious puberty (source). It doesn't happen in everyone who has CAH, but it absolutely can cause precocious puberty. So that is something else that makes me think it might really be worth looking into CAH-especially since it sounds like you've had symptoms since a young age. It might actually be worth looking into simple virilizing CAH, not just NCAH, because it sounds like you might have had symptoms from birth. We can rule out salt wasting CAH, but it might still be possible that you have classical CAH. Simple virilizing CAH sometimes can require glucocorticoid hormone treatment so if that is the case, it can be helpful to know. I know you said you don't have health insurance and we are not a big fan of medical systems or requiring official diagnoses on this blog, but if you are ever interested in pursuing diagnosis, you would want to get your 17 OHP levels measured, your testosterone levels measures, and most likely an ACTH stimulation tests.
Less likely but still possible variations include Aromatase Deficiency, mixed gonadal dysgenesis, ovotestes, and mosaicism.
I'm sorry that people have treated you with such judgment for your traits. I understand how difficult that can be to deal with, and I know how insecure I used to feel about my body hair. I'm really happy to hear that you're feeling comfortable and excited about your body hair now--that brings me a lot of joy!!! I also stopped shaving and I love the way my leg hair feels, and I just love all the ways I can feel beautiful with my hair!
It makes a lot of sense that you've been questioning if you have an intersex variation based on everything you shared here. We can't tell you whether the label of intersex is right for you to claim or not, but if you're getting support from intersex resources and resonating with our experiences, know that there are definitely people in the community who will welcome you. The process of intersex discovery can be emotionally difficult, even if you're mostly feeling positive about it, so know that we're here for support if you want to reach out again.
Sending you the best of luck, and I hope you're able to find the answers you want!
-Mod E
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Sorry about the excessive tagging on that last post I just. I suffered for 20+ years because no one talks about this fucking bullshit. I did so much with a constant 4 on a scale of 1-10 pain* from misplaced uterine tissue that formed adhesions to my abdominal walls and organs, and I missed out on doing so much because every day was a game of "how many steps can I take before I pass out?" I still remember once in high school how I went to the nurse for a tampon and she instead lectured me about how I should "know better" when it came to my cycle- bitch, no one ever told me these things were supposed to be regular!! Mine came whenever!! I had to call my mom to pick me up more than once in high school because I bled so much I ruined my fucking jeans!!! In my early 20s I had an ovarian cyst rupture while I was at work and just thought my everyday pain was a little worse than usual. I'm- I'm so fucking mad about what I endured, and I want so badly to go back in time to embrace my past self and tell them, Be Loud, Scream About This, Don't Stop Until Someone Finally Listens To You
*I spent so long in a constant state of endo pain that it shifted my ability to gause my pain. My "best" days, the days I thought I was at a 1, were a normal person's 4. I was always undershooting my pain level with doctors/ in the ER. FUCK!!!!!!!
#long post#rant about having a uterus#Stabitha has been gone four years and I still resent the time she was here#blood tw#ask to tag
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Let's dedicate this International women's day 2023 to discovering inspiring recovery stories of women's getting effective relief from their chronic health problems (PCOS-PCOD, Infertility, Endometriosis, and Irregular periods) – by choosing Ayushakti Ayurved Treatment!
International Women's Day is celebrated every year on March 8th to celebrate women's social, economic, cultural, and political achievements.
This day also provides an opportunity to raise awareness about women's health issues.
In this competitive world, women are working hard for equality and undoubtedly doing impeccably in their respective fields.
But as time and technology evolves, we get less time to ourselves and certainly no time for our health.
One of the many reasons for our bad health is eating whatever is available on the go and having a sedentary lifestyle.
According to Ayurveda, human bodies are governed by three doshas, or energies - Vata, Pitta, and Kapha - which must be balanced to maintain optimal health.
Ayurveda recognizes that women's bodies undergo notable changes throughout their lives, from menstruation to pregnancy to menopause.
As such, it emphasizes the importance of a holistic approach to health that considers physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
From menstrual cramps to menopause, Ayurveda offers a holistic approach to treating a wide range of gynecological issues.
In this blog, we will discuss some common women's health concerns like periods, PCOS-PCOD, infertility, ovarian cancer, and Endometriosis from an Ayurvedic perspective, with a touch of humour.
PCOS-PCOD:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD) are common hormonal disorders that affect women's reproductive health.
In Ayurveda, these conditions are caused by an imbalance in the body's doshas or energies.
Ayurvedic remedies like Triphala, ashwagandha, and Shatavari can help balance the doshas and manage symptoms like irregular periods, weight gain, and acne.
NEVER GIVE UP is not just a Phrase! – Naura Proved it by being Strong for 8 years! Read here to know how she got relief from 8 years old PCOD Naturally!
Hi, My Name is Naura. I've been suffering from PCOD for 8 years — With Ayushakti Treatment, and I can see 90% improvement in almost 2.5 months, I guess!
"I was suffering from Polycystic ovary and hormonal imbalance for 8 years and also some back pain. I have done surgery to remove cysts and right after the surgery my hormone got messed up again and the polycystic ovary went on and on never went away. Ayushakti's treatment for 2.5 months gave me 90% relief. I have no polycystic ovary and my hormones are all balanced now. Menstrual pain is also relieved."
- NAURA, SAUDI ARABIA
Irregular Periods:
Let's face it, and periods are not the most pleasant experience for women.
Ayurveda recognizes periods as a natural process and recommends specific herbs and remedies to ease discomfort.
For example, ginger tea can help reduce cramps, while jaggery can help replenish iron lost during periods.
Additionally, avoiding cold foods and drinks during periods can help reduce bloating and discomfort.
Decision, Determination, and Dedication are some of the words for our Brave Sumukhi Mhatre – With Ayushakti treatment, and her periods got back on time!
Ayushakti changed my life! I got my periods regular thanks to Ayushakti!
"My name is Sumukhi Mhatre and I am 20 years old. I was going through painful periods and sometimes irregular periods, mainly after a gap of 3 months. During my periods I used to menstruate blood clots and have severe abdominal pain plus weakness. Then I had a USG Pelvis done and in my report, it stated heavy bulky ovaries. I met Ayushakti's doctor and they recommended a lifestyle change and a customized diet plan. I followed it with Ayushakti herbal remedies and within 60 days I got results. I felt energetic, and the periods were on time naturally. I continued with herbs and diet and within 6 months I got 80% relief from irregular periods, relief from abdominal pain, and improvement in weakness."
- SUMUKHI MHATRE.
Infertility:
Infertility is a challenging issue for many couples trying to conceive.
In Ayurveda, infertility is often attributed to a disturbance in the reproductive system's balance.
Ayurvedic remedies like ghee, sesame seeds, and ashwagandha can help balance the body's energies and promote reproductive health.
Yoga and meditation can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being, aiding fertility.
With diagnosis comes hope, and with hope comes Ayushakti — Discover Devika's journey from being unable to conceive to giving birth baby boy! Complication-free pregnancy under the guidance of Dr Smita Naram.
I am Devika from USA. After 4 years of marriage, I got pregnant but had a miscarriage after about 3 months. I got to know about Ayushakti from one of Ayushakti client Devi param as she was visiting Dr. Smita Naram and she had experience of many people who have difficulty conceiving or difficulty in pregnancy who got great results with Dr. Smita Naram's herbs and treatment. I sent her the details which I have been given about seven years back when I was a teenager.Dr. Smita Naram looked up my records and without even meeting me at all, she sent the herbs for me which I took before conceiving, fully during the 9 months of pregnancy, and as well as 3 months after delivery. And I delivered a healthy baby boy without any complications during the pregnancy or delivery. So definitely for couples who were wanting a child for many years, I would recommend to come and consult Dr. Smita Naram and Ayushakti.
Endometriosis:
Endometriosis is painful when the tissue lining the uterus grows outside of it.
Ayurveda recommends incorporating herbs like ashwagandha, Shatavari, and Triphala into the diet to help balance the body's energies and reduce inflammation. Practising yoga and meditation can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being, which can also help manage endometriosis symptoms.
A reminder of living life to the fullest– Fight Back!… Watch Ayushakti's founder and renowned Vaidya Smita Pankaj Naram Revealing Ancient Secrets of Ayurveda treat Endometriosis. Click here!
Self Care
And last but not least, let's talk about self-care. As women, we tend to put everyone else's needs before our own. But it's important to remember that we can't pour from an empty cup.
So take some time to do things that make you feel good - a bubble bath, a yoga class, or just binge-watching your favourite show on Netflix. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.
So there you have it, ladies. A little humor, health, and a lot of girl power. Happy International Women's Day! Let's continue to lift each other and take care of ourselves along the way.
Takeaway:
In conclusion, managing women's health issues like periods, PCOS-PCOD, infertility, and Endometriosis can be challenging.
However, Ayurveda offers a range of remedies and practices that can help manage symptoms and promote overall well-being.
So, this International Women's Day, let's celebrate women's achievements and raise awareness about women's health concerns with humour and positivity. After all, laughter is the best medicine!
Ayushakti's mission is to help people in every possible way. You can consult our experts on phone or video. We will suggest diet & home remedies for maintaining your well-being in these difficult times.
Book your consultation here - https://bit.ly/3XiG50D
For more information write to us at [email protected]
You may contact us on our toll-free numbers - 18002663001 (India) & +18002800906 (Global)
Author of the Blog: DR. RAJASEE PATADE
Expert Review By: Dr Smita Pankaj Naram
Co-Founder, Ayushakti Ayurved Pvt Ltd
FOR MORE INFO VISIT - https://ayushakti.com/symptoms-and-illness/category/w/women-health
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a bit of background:
hi. my name is joely, and i'm 18. as my problems grow stronger, and my symptoms get worse, ive deceived to document my disease on this platform.
ive never been officially diagnosed, that's something i'm currently working on. i do, however, have an extensive family history of the disease. my grandmother needed a hysterectomy, my mother had ovarian cysts and needed the organs removed (along with great deals of infertility), my twin sister had ovarian torsion. my sister and i are both on birth control: we have been since elementary school. she's on an injection, however, while i have a bad fear of needles. as a result, i stick to the pill.
my symptoms fall a bit further out of the general menstruel cycle. i think this is why i've been run through so many doctors. the biggest issue being my abdominal pain. along side regular period cramps, i get bad intestinal cramps. as in, skip work, school, parties, family events, bad. i get chills and hot flashes from them, shakes and tremors. i've had this issue since 6th grade. of course, being a sort of misunderstood illness, i was diagnosed with IBS-D. this was in may of 2021. the fodmap diet i was put on did not help. the dicyclomine i was prescribed did not help. another lesser symptom, rib pain. some lower back and shoulder, too, but always under the right side of my ribs. the birth control i take completely stops my period, but never stops the pain. when i am on my period, im completely out of commission. i become more miserable than i already am.
i've been trying to get a laparoscopy, but given that i only turned 18 2 months ago, that's a difficult thing. my mother doesn't want me to have one yet, she believes i'm too young. i think that's bullshit. if im in this much pain and im still lacking a diagnosis, then what am i meant to do? just accept it? is that really all i have left? i want to know what is going on in my body. if it happens my pain doesn't come from endometriosis, then maybe it CAN be cured. if not, then at least i'll know.
a bit about me outside of that, i love art. i've made some on endometriosis that ill post soon, but i think it really is the best way to symbolize my pain and struggle. i hope to make more in the future
ill try to keep this blog updated with my symptoms or any medical updates. i have another appointment coming up this month, im hoping i can discuss surgery options then. thank you for taking time to read of my story 💛
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I have been dealing with intense nausea for almost a week now. It's worst in the mornings and at night.
On top of that I have been in horrible pain from cramps on and off (but more frequently the last two days) for a week (aunt flow coming any day) with bleeding from the really strong ones.
I've been able to eat regular food on and off but during the really bad nausea episodes I've only managed to have some toast and soup (and last night couldn't even stomach that). I was feeling alright this afternoon and had cereal but the milk was a mistake. I might try to sip some soup and ginger ale for dinner.
I was off work because it was way too bad last week. But I'm due back for a 12hr shift tomorrow morning and I really can't call out again because not only will I be in trouble with them but also financially I can not miss any more pay.
I don't know what it is. It's making me scared.
On and off (more on than off) nausea, severe spike in my depression, severe cramps and bleeding before my period, fatigue, on and off appetite, chills, low fever (up to 99.6F), body aches, frequently in the bathroom....
I had my second injection of Taltz on Friday AM which doc says could cause "flu like" symptoms for 24 to 48 hours. But wouldn't I be feeling better by now? I know it's probably a shitty combo of PMS and post injection reaction. But I just feel so shitty I've run through the WEBMD catalog of everything from appendicitis to cancer to endometriosis to pregnancy (I have paraguard so highly unlikely) to ruptured ovarian cyst (I actually have an appointment with that doc in a couple weeks because I didn't want to go while on my period). Maybe I'm dying and need the hospital.
IDK
I just took some anti-nausea meds (prescription left over from a previous illness) but it's been an hour and I still feel nauseous so I don't think it helped.
I feel so alone and helpless and sick.
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No Returns, No Exchanges
Disclaimer: I have debated for quite a while whether or not I should post this blog. Social media is such a curated space for joy and happiness, it can feel oppressive at times. There is so much life-changing positivity, from engagements to new jobs; and don’t get me wrong, that happiness is great to see. But on the other hand, all of that positivity makes me feel like sharing any kind of negative information is attention-seeking and an immense overshare. So let’s ask ourselves why I feel that way. Why is happiness celebrated while the sad, sometimes harsh realities of life are thought to be oversharing? More specifically, why do we feel like life-changing news can only be shared when it doesn’t make other people uncomfortable? Our expressions of pain should not be regulated by the comfort levels of the people who surround us. There comes a time when not sharing something begins to feel like hiding something, and hiding something turns to shame. That is a feeling that I refuse to welcome into my life right now. So here we go.
It has been a while since I posted anything… a really long while. It has been rare, these past few years, that I have even felt I had anything much to say let alone write anything, mostly because my life has been fairly normal, fairly unextraordinary, and I am rather blessed to be saying that during such a difficult time for so many. The few moments where I have felt like I had something to say have been fleeting, and after a good 2am word vomit on paper, I have filed these musings under “not to be seen by the light of day” which is probably for the best.
Sometimes in the past I would find myself wishing I had something interesting going on in my life, something worthy of commentary… I don’t know, I was thinking like a cool hobby, an interesting skill, a kick-ass career, or a run in with Tom Hardy like I’d always dreamed of… something.
Well, to whoever is in charge, this is not what I meant, and I would like to request a refund.
Because as its final parting kick in the ass 2020 decided to gift me with breast cancer. This isn’t a bad punch line, it’s just the truth.Let me give you a second to process that one. I certainly needed a few.
The thing is, a little itty bitty 3-centimeter tumor- that’s not something I can give back, as much as I might want to. It’s not a too-large sweater you can return with a gift receipt, and it’s not a bad haircut you can complain about and get your money back (though it certainly will include one in a week or so!)
A lot of you already know this story and frankly it’s not one I can tell with much finesse or humor, so I will keep it brief. It was a dark and stormy 6pm when I found a lump in my breast in the shower back in November. My initial thought was “you’re a crazy lady and a hypochondriac, let’s give it a few weeks since this is probably nothing.” A few weeks, when my imaginary lump seemed to not actually be imaginary, I figured okay, it’s time to see my doctor, it’s probably nothing but we need to make sure. I was in fact so unconcerned about it that I didn’t even see my regular doctor. I figured I just needed a medical professional to feel me up and let me know what to do next. I didn’t even bother mentioning it to my parents. (For context of my laissez-faire, when I was 14 I found a lump in my breast that turned out, after little fanfare, to be a cyst which was unceremoniously drained on a cold metal table by a male doctor in a somewhat traumatizing but ultimately benign event. That’s a longer story for later).
Cue a physical exam, confirming I was not crazy and there was a lump, but it was probably nothing; an utltrasound, confirming the lump was a shape that they did not like, but it was probably nothing; and an ultrasound guided biopsy, in which the probably nothing was sampled. The week between Christmas and New Year’s was spent impatiently waiting for the news, increasingly feeling that my probably nothing was maybe, actually something.
On December 28 around lunch time I received a phone call in the middle of the work day from the radiologist, who while very nice, was someone I had only met once while she shot a needle in and out of my boob. She asked me how I was doing and then told me my test results were in. “I’m sorry to say it’s not good news,” she said.
And believe it or fucking not my immediate thought was “It’s not good news… it’s great news!” My brain supplied this as if on autopilot like some kind of 90s game show host, knowing fully well that I would not be so lucky because we are not living in a Brooklyn 99 episode. It’s weird where your brain goes under duress.
It was one of the most uncomfortable phone calls I have ever had, wherein I found myself trying to reassure a complete stranger that I was okay and I’m pretty sure I even said, “it is what it is.” I was told a breast surgeon and oncologist from my provider network would be in contact and the call ended. Ultimately, I was diagnosed with Stage 1B Triple Negative Invasive Ductal and Lobular Carcinoma. No returns, no exchanges.
I am two months into my diagnosis, and 1/8 of my way through chemotherapy, the first part of a three series treatment (to be followed by surgery and then likely radiation.) This Friday, after my second chemotherapy treatment, I will begin to lose my hair. Anyone who knows me at all knows that the hair loss will be a pill likely far harder for me to swallow than the chemo itself. And while the look may have worked for Demi Moore in GI Jane, I do not have her bone structure, nor her body. I anticipate I will look more like the yellow peanut M&M, which while obviously the best M&M of the bunch, I think we can all agree is not a cute look for me.
I do not say this to be melodramatic, I just say this because I am cynical and pragmatic by nature: I am not particularly surprised that I have cancer. And this is for several reasons, some of which probably deserve a longer blog later. To put it simply, I have been surrounded by cancer, both by choice and by cruel fate and happenstance, my entire life.
Cruel Fate and Happenstance: Having several relatives who have gone through cancer, and a mother with a BRCA 1 genetic mutation (which I had a 50% chance of inheriting, and in fact did) I always figured it would eventually happen to me. The odds this condition dealt me? “About 13% of women in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives. By contrast, 55%–72% of women who inherit a harmful BRCA1 variant… will develop breast cancer by 70–80 years of age.” That 55-72% is the kind of percentage you want winning the lottery, but the lottery this most certainly is not, and that much I understood. So, I always figured something like this would probably happen. Did I think I would be 28? No. But I figure that just makes me an overachiever.
Choice: I volunteered at a cancer support non-profit from the time I was 12 to the time I was 22, and I wrote my college senior thesis in anthropology on women with ovarian cancer, the cancer that killed my aunt Lizzy when I was 4 years old. I have likely read more books on cancer than your average newly diagnosed person, which I find to be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I know some of what’s coming. On the other hand, I know some of what’s coming. Of course I don’t think any of these things gave me cancer but you might say I have been training for this my whole life. I think this joke is far funnier than pretty much everyone I say it to except my immediate family, because the Tenney/Koss folk are very big on gallows humor, in which case this is hilarious. Comedy is our family coping mechanism, and I am guilty of occasionally forgetting not everyone is wired like that.
So where are we right now? Taking it day by day. Do I frequently find myself wallowing in self-pity these days? Sure. But all the same I feel truly lucky. This is a feeling I am trying to hold on to, because I think the other options might be truly unbearable. Why? Well, I found this tumor. I’m 28-years-old, which means I am hardly old enough for a regular mammogram and MRI. My last yearly physical was a TeleHealth appointment (hence no actual physical) and I will be honest, I never made a habit of regularly checking myself like I should have. But this tumor just presented itself casually during a shower. Breast cancer, when caught early, is highly treatable and curable, and I am fairly confident, knock on wood, that is where this particular nightmare is headed. The fact that it was caught early: pure luck.
Another reason I feel lucky is for the most part, I feel like I actually have the stability to handle the oncoming struggle. I have a large and wonderful support system, an incredible and supportive partner, a savings account with actual savings in it, and a job where I am cared about as a human. If this had happened to me three years ago, almost none of these things would be true. There will never be a good time to have cancer, but some times are apparently better than others. Of course, the ongoing pandemic means I can’t have people go with me to chemo, or my wig fitting, or my surgery consultations, and alone a lot of this seems much more daunting and difficult than it might otherwise have been, but I am trying to make a habit of counting my blessings, and despite this terrible thing I’ve been given, my blessings are many.
There isn’t a “right way” to have cancer, but I think there might be a “right way” for me. I am a private person and I find sharing some of these details difficult and more than a little uncomfortable, but I am also intimately familiar with the healing nature of writing and comedy, so I am going to give it a shot.
And now that I think of it… the peanut M&M is going to make a really great Halloween costume.
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Introductions
**PRO ANA, PRO MIA, AND THINSPO ACCOUNTS DO NOT INTERACT**
Hello to anyone reading this. I’m H and I’ve started this sideblog to document my weight loss and keep myself accountable. Let me start with a little backstory:
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been super active, though I was on a couple sports teams at various points throughout my school life. I always overate as a kid and I still do it now. Eating has been a coping mechanism for me my entire life, and I would say that I am addicted to food.
I have generally been okay being heavy, but bullying is a bitch and I know that other people’s perception of me affected me and made me a nasty bitch in middle school and high school. I wasn’t in a place to understand why I acted out until I was able to distance myself from my long term abusive boyfriend and my dad stopped drinking and got out of his abusive/toxic situation. Now, I understand the effects that the trauma in my life has had on me and I’m calmer and more level-headed, so I am in a good place to start working on my physical health in conjunction with my mental health.
I know that my self-image right now isn’t healthy, and I am aiming to love my body. I am trying hard not to think of the things I might want after this, like skin removal surgery and breast reshaping, but it is hard not to imagine myself with a little sprucing up. While I don’t want to scrutinize over every flaw I have, I think the best way I can motivate myself to keep it up is taking note of my body and how I perceive certain areas, so I will update this with my reflection on how my body looks every so often.
Over the time I have been not working because of COVID-19, I have gained weight, but I have also started keeping up with infamous obese youtubers like Amberlynn Reid and Foodie Beauty, and watching channels like Charlie Gold and Petty Kitten react to them. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a kick in the ass to not become as big as them, but also a motivator knowing that I will never be like that, I won’t allow myself to be like them, and that I am a better person than they are. I know that thinking like that is mean and cruel, but I am here to lose weight, not monetize my addiction and appeal to feeders while maintaining an attitude of entitlement and oblivion.
While we are at it, let me just name a few of my rock bottom moments:
- my abusive ex boyfriend calling me “Whaley”
- being too heavy to ride horses
- being too big for a ride at the fair and having to get off it in front of a ton of people in public
- my brother swiping the back of m head like a debit machine
- my ability to polish of a lot of food in one go
- my lack of stamina standing, walking, exercising, being on top during sex
- crushing my boyfriend when I lay on him
- being too big to fit into 3x clothing on websites like dollskill that actually sell some interesting clothing for bigger ladies
Without too much more delay, let’s get into the facts:
Age: 18
Height: 5′11
Starting Weight: 333 pounds
Current Weight: 329 pounds
Total Loss: 4 pounds
BMI: 45.9
BMI Goal: 25
Current Goal: 300 pounds by day 30
Day: 4
Health Concerns: Morbid Obesity, PCOS and Insulin Resistance, Lactose Intolerance, Depression, Anxiety, Food Addiction.
Diet Plan: OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittent fasting.
The diet I have chosen to follow, OMAD, is one of many different diets I have tried over the course of my life. I have tried keto, I have tried vegetarianism, I have tried slimfast. The reason I have chosen this particular diet this time is because of the freedom to eat pretty much anything within the hour I set aside for myself to eat each day. It’s hard to fuck yourself up too much in an hour. After having done the diet for a few days, here is what I have noticed about it:
- I get hangry
- I am somewhat nocturnal and often sleep from 6am - 2pm, and it makes it so much easier
- The boost in energy after my feels like I am on top of the world, and the naps while digesting fuckin rock, sleepy is a good feeling when you have time set aside for it
- It is a lot of mental will power to look at my favourite foods and say no
- It is a lot of mental will power not to cram 3 meals into an hour
- It is hard to pick what I want for dinner
- Cravings hit hard
- Black Coffee is nasty
- It is easier not to consume dairy with OMAD, and not have diarrhea everyday is nice.
There are some things I have noted as well, like eating dairy at all is a big mistake. It is unpleasant to only feel full for a short period of time before violently emptying the contents of my digestive tract. The effects of lactose has on my body go so much quicker when it is the only thing I have in my body at the time. Lactaid is very hit and miss for me, and by the way the chewable tablets are actually the devil incarnate and I hate them. I have tasted vanilla in my life and that isn’t it.
I chose this diet because my boyfriend does fasting as his preferred diet method, and while I wish I could fast all day, my job requires me to have energy and I am not a happy hungry lady. I intend to do OMAD long term, but may change it up slightly if I start to struggle when I get back to work.
It should also be noted that I seriously do not recommend this diet to anyone who struggles with disordered eating (me), depression (me), anxiety (me), obesity (me), anyone who has an affliction that would make it safer for them to consume more than one meal a day (me), and people who have medications they need to take with food (me). This diet is not recommended by doctors for long term weight loss, my endocrinologist was frankly a bit shocked when I told her, and it can cause a host of problems included but not limited to:
- triggering of eating disorders
- lack of protein
- excess of carbs
- diarrhea (thanks, really needed more of that)
- nausea
- dizziness
- weakness
- extreme fatigue
So let me go ahead here and describe a little bit about my health issues, namely my PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal disorder. It can cause increased levels of androgen in the body, increased hair, insulin resistance, excessive hair growth, male pattern baldness, weight gain, irregular periods, fertility problems, increase risk of developing type 2 diabetes, increase risk of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, acne and oily skin, depression, and sleep apnea, as well as increase the risk for endometrial cancers, and obviously, cause ovarian cysts. This disorder can be passed from mother to daughter, and I got it from my mom. I have been suffering with this for years.
The biggest effects on my body have been my weight, my depression, irregular periods and cysts. I currently have an IUD in place to help with the symptoms, but my periods are not even close to regular and are often brown in colour. Before hormonal birth control, I would have 2-3 periods per year that lasted about a month at a time. These periods were heavy and excruciatingly painful, and the clots I birthed were like jellyfish. I often lost enough blood to become anemic.
It should be noted that my PCOS has caused me to be resistant to insulin, and that can make it hard to lose weight and also cause some brown discolouration on the skin, which I have had on my chest and neck. I remember my mom used to scrub at my neck thinking it was dirty when my neck first started becoming discoloured.
I had my IUD placed in December of 2018, and the follow up ultrasound revealed a cyst on my right ovary that was 21cm x 21cm which required surgery. Due to that, a traumatic situation and my vegetarianism, I lost 30 pounds by March of 2019.
I have also struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety and used food to cope. I am currently on medication for that. I also take Metformin to help with the effects of the PCOS.
Here I will give a short description on the areas of my body that bother me and what I would like to see improve. I will try to be objective about what I don’t like and I will be honest about the reasons I would like to improve. I will say now that many of these reasons are cosmetic and not necessarily health related.
Inner thighs: While my legs are one of my favourite parts of my body and are in general strong and shapely, my inner thighs have a pocket of fat near my pubic mound, and I can see it when I stand up or I can see it in the mirror from behind when I bend over. I am self conscious about this because I don’t like the way it looks/hangs, and it makes it hard to be present and immersed when I am having sex or see myself as attractive if I take a picture for my boyfriend. The goal for this area is to have less hang so I can feel more relaxed during sex and any time I bend over. I also don’t particularly enjoy the thigh holes in my jeans, or that I have trouble with any sort of thigh high sock rolling.
Pubic mound: I’m not even gonna bullshit here: I just want a normal looking vulva. That’s it. I want it to be easier to access my clit, I don’t want such a prominent camel toe when I wear pants, I’d like it to be easier for my boyfriend to go down on me. I have a nice inner vulva and I want the exterior to match. I also find it hard to shave the areas between my mound and my thigh, as holding it open is not easy. That groin area is also prone to skin yeast infections and pimples and blackheads, and while I admit that they are fun to pop, it would be nice if I did not have to deal with it.
My stomach: My stomach hangs. Underneath of it is prone to those same pimples and skin yeast infections (canesten is really helpful for tinea cruris, by the way. Yeast infections are yeast infections.) and while I get some sick pops for r/popping, it isn’t attractive. My stomach is hairy and while that isn’t really totally weight related, it also isn’t cute. My belly button is often very hidden, and it would be nice to get down to a size that I could get it pierced like my mom has. The rolls of my stomach get pimples and the red marks from sitting all day are not cute and can get painful. I have the muffin top when I wear jeans, and while the look of my stomach in jeans is less than sexy, it actually doesn’t bother me all that much.I have trouble keeping up panties that are both too tight or too loose, and tights are always rolling down. If it doesn’t hit just above my waist while still being slightly tight, it isn’t even worth trying to wear at all. All my jeans and leggings are high-waisted, and a lot of them roll when I sit or bend over. As a nanny, that is a really big inconvenience, and I would like to be able to exist for an hour without having to pull up my goddamn pants/leggings/underwear/tights. God forbid I put on a garter belt. Clothes that are flattering are hard for find for obese women. I just want to wear pretty clothes and feel like a person. When I sit with my knees up, my stomach is Very Present, and I can feel it against my thighs and trying to press through the gap in the middle. It would be nice to not feel that way, and I hope that I can achieve a stomach that does not hang.
Rolls under breasts: These are real sons of bitches. Hot, hairy, red, pimply. The heat rash is real. About half to 3/4 the size of my actual breasts. They make finding a comfortable bra difficult, and I would be really happy if they got even half the size they are now.
Breasts: I don’t necessarily have a weight issue with my tibblies, but they are underdeveloped underneath and I don’t really like the shape of them so much. I am on the waiting list to see a plastic surgeon about my options. There are certain things about my chest that I don’t like that are the fault of obesity however, like the dark marks on my chest because of resistance to insulin, but I will get more into that in a bit. I also don’t love boobne, but hey, acne, amirite ladies?
My chin/neck situation: My ‘waddle’, as I so hatefully refer to it, is my least favourite part of my body. This makes me so upset. I think this is the only part of my body that I truly genuinely hate. If I could duct tape it back so I could look normal, I would. I often look at plus size and fat and obese women and think why do they have chins and necks that are ‘normal’ but not me? (spoilers: the answer is morbid obesity.) I would like to be able to wear a choker comfortably and without it being hidden by my neck. It is very hard to pop waddle pimples. I do have the insulin marks on my neck, and a dowager’s hump, which makes me feel weird if I look at it too long. I don’t like when it sticks out of my clothing, and it feels odd to look at it with a necklace on, or a choker or collar or anything like that.
My back rolls: You hate to see it, and it makes finding a bra in my size a pain. It is hard to hide them, and anything that is fitted to the boobs and then flares can exaggerate the look of them. I don’t look at them too often so it doesn’t always bother me, but they can be a pain with certain clothes. It also makes some clothes tight and restricting in a way they normally wouldn’t, like dresses or shirts that zip. Highly unpleasant, and I would like to have smoother back for cosmetic reasons.
The back of my head: I shave the underneath of my head. I’ve had my entire head shaven before, I’ve had just the sides shaven. It would be nice to get to a place where there wasn’t a roll at the back of my head. It would also be nice if my brother hadn’t swiped a card through it, but only one of those things is achievable.
My arms: I have pretty strong arms, my job requires lifting and I’ve never shied away from taking all the groceries in one trip. My arms are large but not huge. I would be happy with a little reduction in the ‘wing’ area and I would like to see my upper arms a little more streamlined when fully extended. I genuinely do have big bones, but it would be nice to be able to wear my bracelets more comfortably.
My hands: For the longest time I have been upset about the idea of ‘fat people hands’. I don’t have huge fingers, but it would be nice to fit rings on a little easier. I have large hands, because I am a tall woman, but not really fat or chubby hands like one might think of when thinking of fat people hands. My knuckles are fairly well defined, though they have dimples when my hands are flat, and have had since I was little. I think they are cute to be honest. I do not have discolouration on my fingers or knuckles.
My face: I don’t have a ton of fat on my cheeks actually. I do have a round face, but I have dimple-like indentations under my cheekbones that clearly define them. It would be nice to be a slightly slimmer face and defined jawline - any attempt at a contour is just awful. I would like to have a less prominent chin and cheeks.
So let’s talk for a bit about long term goals. I am trying to set goals for myself in chunks. I know that aiming to lose 100 pounds the first go around is highly unlikely to get me any sort of success and I know that breaking it up into smaller bits is less overwhelming and more motivating. I am seriously trying to be careful about rewarding myself with any kind of food.
Realistically, I would like to see myself get into the ‘normal’ BMI range by this time next year. I also know that to do that, I would need to lose around 170 pounds. With OMAD, you can expect to lose between half a pound and one pound a day. I do not see myself losing 170 pounds in 170 days. I do not think it is healthy to lose that much in under 6 months, and I don’t think my skin would appreciate it either, nor do I think OMAD is sustainable for that long. The idea is to try and hold out with OMAD for about 3 and a half months, and in that time, with upkeep, exercise and discipline, I could lose around 100 pounds, but I think the responsible thing would be to hope for closer to 75 pounds.
I would like to outline my goals here:
Current Goal: 300 pounds - 33 pounds lost - 41.8 BMI
Second Goal: 270 pounds - 63 pounds lost - 37.7 BMI
Third Goal: 240 - 93 pounds lost - 33.5 BMI
Fourth Goal: 210 - 123 pounds lost - 29.3 BMI
Fifth Goal: 180 - 153 pounds lost - 25.1 BMI
Final Goal: 160 - 173 pounds lost - 22.3 BMI
Knowing how much one can lose in x amount of time with OMAD, and assuming I kept with it for a year, it could take anywhere from 173 days to 346 days to reach my final goal. I know that I won’t lose the same amount every day, and I know that it will be hard to keep it off once I reach my goal.
I also know that I will need to take vitamins and supplements to make sure I don’t lose anything during this time.
I am trying not to set deadlines for when I would like to reach my goals, though ideally I would be losing about 20 pounds a month. There are some important dates that I am hoping to have lost a certain amount for, however, and based on how much I might expect to lose and some basic math, I have deemed it pretty feasible to do.
I return to work around July 6th. It is currently May 30th. In 37 days I am hoping to have reached my first goal of 33 pounds lost. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days, and I hope to keep up that pace.
The other date that I am hoping to have lost weight for is my birthday, which is August 31st. In 93 days I am hoping to have met my second goal of 63 pounds lost. I am turning 19 and very excited to celebrate.
For a little in-depth at what I am doing as far as my meal, I am eating a normal supper for me, a snack and a dessert. I am not counting calories. I’ll give some examples of what I have eaten at this time.
Day 1: Gnocchi bake with chicken, gummies, a chocolate bar, a little bit of bread and an iced tea. I made the bake with a package of sundried tomato gnocchi, one chicken breast, an olivieri package of rose sauce, like 2-3 tablespoons of herb and garlic cream cheese and onion. It was so good.
Day 2: I had the 4 bites of leftovers and some cheese bread, an iced tea, chicken strips, fries, a bite of fish, and some coleslaw. This day I felt sort of weak in the evening and so I had a fried egg sandwich with a cheese slice, mustard and mayo.
Day 3: I GUZZLED water all day long, like 4-5 bottles of water. I had crackers, the middle of a cinnamon bun, chicken strips and fries again, coleslaw and then some cake (I was celebrating a family birthday). My pee has never been so clear, let me just tell you.
One of the good things about this diet is being able to have whatever I would like as my meal for the day. I am an excellent cook (friend, family, teacher, boyfriend’s family and boyfriend approved, being fat has helped me master the kitchen) and I love doing it, so I can really get creative with my meal.
I come from a diet family, and so I am definitely supported on this diet, and my boyfriend is doing it with me, because misery loves company. Overall, I do feel hungry, but I feel satisfied with what I am doing and I have a lot more will power than I thought I did before, so I am proud of myself in that regard.
During my fasts, I try to only consume water and black coffee, which I take iced so it doesn’t nerf me with the flavour. Chewing gum is also quite helpful. My eating period is between 7p-8p, or 7p-8:30p, but that may change overtime as my sleep and activity schedule changes in the coming months.
I do not make promises on diets as a rule, but because of the nature of this diet I have made myself a promise that I will listen to my body. If I need a meal, I will eat one. If what is best for me is splitting my eating hour into two 30 minute eating periods a day for energy, especially while I work, then that is what I will do.
Like I said, the goal is to check in every day with what I ate, my general feelings and if I am changing anything, and then I will try to do a weigh in weekly, and every couple of weeks update any changes I notice in the areas I mentioned earlier that bother me as a fat person.
‘Til next time,
H
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Spoonie Life: My Last Week (fun with complications)
So, I’m having a really rough week. It feels like literally the second I get a break from one thing or a handle on another, then another thing pops up. I never get a break and it is exhausting. And sometimes it just makes you feel so alone because even those that support you - and I have a hugely supportive community of people in my life - just can’t understand. I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed and anxious and alone and my therapist does not have any availability to see me...possibly for months. So I wanted to just write up everything I’m going through because sometimes that helps but also because hopefully some of you may have gone through some similar things (esp. blood clots and ovarian cysts) and could give advice and/or just support.
Here’s a (not so) short summary of shit that’s been going on lately (in list form because why not). Don’t feel like you have to read it all. I know everyone has their own things going on. But I just needed somewhere to vent and while I shared some of this on FB, I also feel freer to be honest and just fully disclose how hard this is for me here. Sometimes that’s one good thing about this hell site - less reason to self-censor and try to sound positive/hopeful/happy when I really truly am not.
Last Monday (the 15th), I finally finished three months of IV antibiotics I was on for an intra-abdominal abscess (an infected collection of fluid that was right underneath my diaphragm which meant that, for a while, it hurt to even take a breath).
Good news right? Stopped it about a week ago which is awesome because the antibiotics were infused two hours x three times a day (i.e. six f*cking hours a day that I was connected to an IV bag).
But, I knew I would need a follow-up CT scan that was scheduled for this past Wednesday....and who knew what that would show.
Towards the end of last week, I started feeling very tired all the time. And then my physical stamina just suddenly....decompensated abruptly. I would get tired doing anything. Monotasker and I went to the grocery store and halfway through, I had to sit down (or risk passing out). After a few minutes, I told him “we need to get out of here” so we rushed through the rest of the basics we needed. And then while he checked out, I sat on a bench near-by. My heart was racing, I was out of breath, I was dizzy and light-headed, and just generally felt like I had run a 5K.
The first couple times this happened I thought “well, maybe I’m out of shape, I *haven’t* been working out at ALL lately. But then I remembered, it was what - a week ago that I attended NYCC where sure, I got tired sometimes and had to sit down once in a while, but it was nothing like this. And I knew that fitness doesn’t decompensate like that....it’s sad that when confronted with such a serious health issue that my first reaction was to just....blame myself. Right away.
So last Sunday (a little over a week ago), I went into the ER to get checked out. I hoped it was something SIMPLE, like dehydration or maybe my anemia had gotten worse or low levels of some kind of electrolyte imbalance. Anything that could be handled in a single evening. Three guesses about whether that was really the problem (though if you’ve followed me for more than a hot minute, I’m sure you know that the right answer is...because of course, NOTHING is ever simple).
At the ER, they decided to do the CT scan I was supposed to have that Wednesday just to make sure there wasn’t anything they were missing. And while the abscess they had been treating was largely unchanged (so they are going to stop the antibiotics), they also found that I had a blood clot in my pelvis. This is my third blood clot but the other two (a DVT in 2008 and a PE in 2015) were both post-surgical. This is my first blood clot that happened “spontaneously”. The admitted me to the hospital for about 48 hours and put me on a heparin drip until they could get a blood thinner arranged to release me and send me home.
A few observations and factoids about blood clots and their treatment for those who are interested.
People with Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis (i.e. IBD) are more prone to blood clots. If you have IBD (or any autoimmune disease actually), you should be aware of this risk and know the signs of blood clots (esp. after surgery) and make sure to take preventative measures like standing up to walk around on long flights.
Traditionally, blood clots were treated with the blood thinner warfarin (Coumadin is its brand name). It takes a few days to get to the correct level in your blood, so you have to be on injections of another blood thinner Lovenox (twice a day, at home, injected yourself) until your “INR” reaches the right level in your blood. While on warfarin you have to have regular bloodwork to check your INR - every few days at first, then weekly, and if you’re on it long term the tests become less common.
This is very challenging for me - after ALL the health issues I’ve had, my veins are completely shot. Even basic blood work is a challenge.
There is a newer genre of blood thinners out there called DACOs - you’ve probably heard of them (they include Xarelto and Elliquis) which are better for a couple reasons, I guess, but the main one for me is the lack of required blood thinners. Three guesses on whether my health insurance approved them? NOPE. They sent me into pre-authorization hell (which frequently means “nope never going to happen” but in this case I hope means “well if your doctor pushes hard enough, we’ll give in eventually).
Question: has anyone gotten one of the DACOs approved? Is there anything specific that you had to prove? How did it end up working out?
If you are someone who menstruates, just be aware - going on a blood thinner can cause your period to start early (mine started less than two days after starting them - at least a week or two early) AND it will make your period longer and heavier.
P.S. - the GYN I saw yesterday said that Xarelto would make that even worse which leads into a later part of this post, but basically she said it was really important that I get my IUD replaced if I was going to be on Xarelto long term.
Since this is my third blood clot, it may mean that I will have to be on blood thinners permanently, which I’m not looking forward to AT ALL. Because really, do I need another medical complication? The answer is no. No, I do not. WHICH MAKES THE NEXT PART OF THIS POST IRONIC.
So this is the part of the post that I could actually use some advice on.
So for a while, maybe as long as a year, every CT or MRI I’ve had has included a note from the radiologist saying that a benign ovarian cyst was seen on the scan (or sometimes it was called an “inclusive cyst” from the ovary into the peritoneal area. It would sometimes “recommend follow up with a GYN”. Okay....fair enough.
When I asked my GI and my PCP about it a long while ago (maybe even two years ago), they both sort of just said “sure you should see an OB-GYN about that at some point” but really didn’t follow-up on it. And then time passed because I had a LOT of other health issues that took precedence.
Sometime nine-months to a year ago, I started having pain in the area where my rectum used to be, especially when I was sitting at my desk at work. There were days it was so bad that I could not sit directly on my butt at all and had to constantly find different positions. And on those days, I would frequently also have pretty severe pain in my pelvis. For months I basically ignored it...again, I have chronic pain and I had bigger fish to fry. Again, it got put on the back burner. Until one day it was so painful I was crying at work. So I called my PCP who also called my GI and he looked at my scan and said “it’s probably that cyst, you should see a GYN....” Still no urgency (and my PCP even said “I don’t know i it’s that - sometimes doctors like to blame cysts when they just don’t know what else is wrong.”) Again and again, this cyst was acknowledged but treated as no big deal - a nuisance to be dealt with eventually.
Side note: at no point in this did my PCP or my GI bother to ask me about pain with sex, despite that being a somewhat obvious question.
So nine months ago (or so), my PCP finally did get me a referral to see someone in the minimally invasive surgical OB-GYN office. I called to make that appointment and was told “you cannot see a surgeon until you’ve seen one of the GYNs” so I got an appointment for several months later with a GYN in the office.
Then, I had to cancel two different appointments with her because I kept being sick and/or in the hospital...and of course, each new appointment was two-three months later.
So my appointment with the GYN (who was lovely) was yesterday. She told me that my cyst (which is in both the ovary and the peritoneum) is now the size of a GRAPEFRUIT! It is almost certainly to blame for the pain I get sometimes in my (former) rectal area and the pain I have when I have sex. She said that even if it’s “benign”, if it’s symptomatic like this, I shouldn’t have to live that way. For the first time, I had a doctor who I felt like was taking this issue seriously even though it wasn’t related to my IBD and was “just” a lady issue. (Though to be fair to my PCP, she has taken it seriously in the past, but it’s just not her specialty).
This GYN also said she’d be willing to take me to the procedure room and sedate me to put an IUD in, whether I have surgery or not because I had such a bad experience getting it last time!!! I really loved that she took my concerns about that seriously. Bless her.
So the (very extended) upshot is that I made an appointment with the minimally invasive surgeon who I was supposed to see SIX-NINE months ago (who, amazingly enough, had an appointment available MONDAY) and I may need to have another surgery to take care of this cyst. This cyst that wasn’t always the size of a grapefruit....but years of being told that it was benign, to “check it out” eventually, and having all of my other health needs take precedence has now left me here. With a huge cyst that has ruined my sex life and is starting to seriously impact my everyday life too.
TL;DR? I have TERRIBLE LUCK. ESPECIALLY this week. And I’m just feeling absolutely overwhelmed, lonely, and frustrated. And if you’ve had experience having surgery for an ovarian cyst, especially one that’s “including” on something outside the ovary, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the procedure and whether it helped and was worth it.
#long post#about me#spoonie life#Crohn's Disease#ovarian cysts#a lot of this was just me needing to write this all out so that I could get it in one succinct rant#i'm having a lot of trouble dealing with these feelings of just.....never ending-ness#how do i do this for another 35 years????#when do i get a break#i need to go back to therapy - i know - but my therapist doesn't have any openings for A WHILE#and starting with a new therapist just seems like a lot#i may start doing the reasons i'm proud of myself posts again#bc i'm also starting to feel bad about my lazy ass self again#to boot
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Hi! I turned 21 earlier this year and have been learning so much about myself this year. One thing i’ve always known but never done much research on is the possibility of being intersex. As a newborn, doctors took me away from my mom for hours, running all these tests and trying to determine my sex. When they finally gave me back to my mom, they told her I was a girl, and that she should consider going through with surgery to make my genitalia look more “normal” I guess? They couldn’t tell if I was male or female because my clitoris was/is enlarged. My mom basically told them off with a quick little “fuck you, they can make that decision for themselves when they are of age, i’m not changing my kids body without their consent.” Which I am so thankful for!! However that’s all she’s ever told me about the instance. Growing up however was really strange. I got my period at 13 and have had many many issues with it since. Constant ovarian cysts, irregular periods, and lots of pain. I started to develop breasts at a pretty young age, but they just kind of stopped growing at a pretty young age. They’ve been the same very small size since I was probably 9, while all the other women in my family have DD and up size breasts. I also started to explore my sexual and gender identity at a young age, and have identified as non-binary since I was just 16 years old. I’ve been researching endlessly on google, reddit, twitter, etc. and i’ve gotten the general consensus that I am most likely intersex. What do I do/where do I go to determine if I am intersex or not? It makes so much sense to me, but I really want to talk to a doctor or therapist that specializes in these issues and can help me, I just don’t know where to start. Any advice is very helpful and I thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story!! :)
Hi there!
So I’d say that it’s absolutely very very likely that you are intersex. What you’ve described about your experiences at birth is absolutely an intersex experience, with the doctors being confused about ambigious genitalia and wanting to surgically “fix” it even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong. I’m so glad that your mom decided to wait and not have surgery performed on you without your consent, and it makes me so mad that doctors always push that on parents and tell them that they need to make that choice. Everything else you’ve said sounds like an intersex experience, too. Ovarian cysts and irregular periods are also signs of intersex variations, and especially when considered in context with your experience at birth, I really think that you are intersex.
One possible condition that you might want to explore is Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH). The things you’ve described are all symptoms of CAH or NCAH, especially having ambigious genitalia at birth and having irregular periods and cysts later in puberty. If you have other symptoms like “excessive” body hair and acne, those would also be signs, as well as rapid growth during childhood but a short stature later as an adult. There are several tests that doctors can do to diagnose CAH. They can check your 17-OHP levels, other hormones like testosterone and androgens, and the main test for CAH is something called ACTH stimulation. All these tests could lead to a diagnosis, if that’s something you want. Of course, I can’t diagnose you over the internet and it could be something entirely different, but it’s a possibility!
If you’re interested in seeking a diagnosis, you could reach out to a doctor or a gynecologist and explain that you had ambigious genitalia at birth and are interested in seeking a diagnosis. If there’s certain traits that you want to seek treatment for, like painful periods, you could bring that up as well. Explaining your symptoms and saying that you’d like to look into diagnosis is a good way to start conversations with doctors, and if you think it’s something like CAH or another intersex condition, you could bring that up. Your regular doctor or gynecologist can probably refer you to an endochronlogist who is more of a specalist when it comes to intersex conditions, and they could do tests and help you through the process of diagnosis.
I don’t know of any intersex specific therapists, but it might be a start to reach out to therapists who specalize in LGBTQ issues. They might be more informed and be able to help you through this process of discovery and self identity. And I just want to validate that whatever you’re feeling about this discovery that you’re intersex is really valid, and that you’re not alone. I know when I found out I was intersex it was really a shock to me, and I had a lot of conflicting feeling about it, and felt like everything I had ever known about myself had changed. If that’s what you’re feeling, know that you’re not alone, and that you’re the same person you’ve always been, and that you just know more about yourself now. There’s a whole community that understands and has your back. Of course if you’re feeling totally comfortable about this discovery, that’s awesome and understandable too! Being gentle with yourself throughout the process of intersex diagnosis and discovery is so important, and letting yourself feel whatever it is your feeling and taking time to unpack and process however you need. The intersex community on tumblr is full of people who can listen and understand, and I’m also in some really supportive intersex discord servers that I would happy to give you a link to if you come off anon.
Overall, I want to affirm that you are absolutely welcome to identify as intersex and that everything you’ve described is absolutely an intersex experience. I know this process can be hard and confusing, and navigating doctors can be difficult, so feel free to reach out if you have more questions or if you just need to vent. I wish you all the best, anon!
-Mod E
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(Not so) Random considerations on birth control methods and menstrual cycle
Although absolutely nobody fucking asked, I wanted to talk about my personal experience with birth control pills and menstrual cycle. First of all, let's catch up on how did I get here.
I started taking oral contraceptives (OC) since my mother took me to a gynecologist for the first time. The doctor made me a prescrition because I told her I suffered with cramps during my period. I was about 13 years old.
I kept taking OC every single day for the following 11 years, until I reached 24. Several doctors I passed by along these years changed the dosage and combinations of hormones I took, because each of them gave me a different bunch of adverse effects. Headache, nausea, menstrual cramps, recurrent urinary tract infections, candidiasis, vaginal bleedings... the list goes on.
During my teenage years I found out some women from my mother's family have circulatory problems, from varicose veins to venous thrombosis. There are also cases of cancer possibly induced by sexual hormones. That is: conditions that make OC, especially the combined ones, contraindicated for me. I got worried and decided to come back to the doctor and talk about another options available. The only one that was presented to me was the so called minipills, which are OC made with a single hormone instead of a combination of two. I took it for the following 5 years straight, and it seemed a good idea at the time because I've spent all my life struggling with underweight and anemia. Since the OC completelly suspended my period, I was supposed to be fine.
However, last January I had a major vaginal bleeding, even though I didn't stop taking my OC. I had terrible abdominal pains, and the bleeding continued for almost 10 days straight. Like I said, being underweight didn't improve the situation and my immune system shut down very quickly. Besides, I was having a hard time to keep up with my bills and wasn't covered by any health insurance at that time (I live in Brazil, and for those who are not familiar, things are a little bit different here. Theoretically we do have a public health system, but in real life we can't barely count on it and the access to the private system is kinda surreal for those living with minimum wage).
Well, as soon as I could, I saved enough money to go see a private doctor. I paid for the appointment and a several exams to find out that my bleeding was possibly caused by multiple ovarian cysts. Both of my ovaries were 3 times bigger than the normal size, and the doctor hypothesized that a big one of them (or a few) must have simply ruptured, and that the whole shit was probably induced by the fucking OC.
In summary, the doctor said I had polycistic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Plus, I should stop taking my actual OC and go back to the combined ones. Yeah, those same I was not supposed to take both because of my family history and the previously described adverse effects. He emphasized that was the only treatment available, and that my condition actually had no cure, so I should just take it for the next 30-40 years until I’d reach menopause, while praying for not having cancer or thrombosis or embolia and... well, to die of something else not related with OC.
So, well... I quit. I smiled and waved to the doctor and left the office. I was about to turn 25 and I decided I wasn’t going to take it that way. Now that you’re up to date in the story, let’s move on to where I was really trying to get with this post.
Please note: I ain't no gynecologist nor physician, but nowadays I’m a post-graduate health professional with a couple years of clinical practice. And I think I’m allowed to apply the little knowledge I acquired during 7 years (so far, still counting) of higher education to see through this situation with a tad of criticism. Not only regarding my own case, but regarding the doctors’ position when it comes to women’s reprodutive health - at least in my country. Therefore, let’s consider some key points:
Is there a real need to prescribe OC to young girls aged 13 years or less just because they come to the office complaining about menstrual cramps? During the period the lining of the unfertilized womb is being shed through the vagina. It involves muscular contractions, so of course it might get painful. There’s nothing abnormal about it, so why purging it like a plague instead of teaching them that’s a physiological process and how to relieve the pain in case it happens? Nutritional counseling, physical exercises, simply using a hot-water bottle or even taking an occasional painkiller can totally solve the problem.
The primary aim when taking OC is expected to be, should be, birth control. Yet, they’re frequently prescribed to girls that don’t even have an active sex life because of light acne, oily skin, menstrual cramps and/or intense menstrual flow without any further clinical complications... or just because. You might take it as some conspiracy theory, but you know what it looks like to me? Creating a very profitable market for pharmaceuticals. And nothing more. If women get sick and end up developing cancer or whatever, even better, so more drugs (way more expensive ones) will be sold.
In fact, there are another treatments available for PCOS. But it seems doctors are too lazy, or too comfortable in their position of filling a single standard prescription, that they completely ignore any alternatives. Can you wonder why? Maybe because it requires a minimum of health and sex education, and that takes time. How are they going to be able to attend people in less than 5 minutes if they’ll have to talk to their patients, right? Simply doesn’t worth it. Anyways, again, alternatives include acupunture, homeopathy, phitoteraphy, dietotherapy throught nutritional counseling and regular physical activity. Each case is different, but keep in mind: OC aren’t the only way, indeed, literally speaking they’re not even a treatment because they don’t treat it.
Opening a parenthesis: of course there probably are exceptions and good doctors no matter where. But doctors at public health system are in general unsatisfied with their working conditions and environment, while doctors at the private system usually are anything but well paid by insurance companies. In overall terms, the more academically qualified the doctors get, the less prepared for attending real life demandings in developing countries they are. Also, the less willing to work in such places they are. (If you’d wish to read more about it, I highly recommend seeing Chapter 5 - An example of a paradigm and its social conditions: scientific medicine of La construction de sciences, by Gérard Fourez.)
Still on PCOS topic: first of all, having multiple cyst on one or both ovaries doesn’t necessarily mean PCOS. PCOS, as a syndrome, means there are multiple criteria that need to be fulfilled for closing the diagnostic. In this case, criteria involve imaging exams, symptomatology, clinical and biochemical evaluation. In my case, for instance, PCOS is a diagnosis that simply doesn’t suit my medical history, but no doctor has ever bothered making an anamnesis. I’m not trying to say anybody should go to Dr. Google’s opinion (seriously, don’t), but look out for more information than it’s given to you at the office, even because often none is given.
I know suspending the menstrual cycle can make life much more easier. No worries about pads, unexpected leaks, cramps, PMS etc. But take it from a different perspective for a second. There seems to be a lot of content over the internet nowadays about body positivity, empowerment and tons of so called movements of deconstruction of established paradigms in our society about feminility and feminism. I’ve seen a lot of girls online sharing their experiences on stopping taking OC etc. I don’t know how far it’s good or not, but there’s a point that can be taken from all of it: the menstrual cycle is a natural part of every woman’s reprodutory phase in life. It’s not disgusting, embarrasing or whatever nonsense we’ve been told. And it can be a good way for us to conect with ourselves, to listen to our bodies. Observing symptoms such as pain, fatigue, cravings, emotions, sex drive; checking on cervical mucus, body temperature, hours of sleep... all of this can be part of a daily self-care routine and, moreover, be useful to birth control.
Talking about birth control: I’m genuinely surprised on how much the doctors whom I interacted during my life underrate condoms as a method against unwanted pregnancy. They say out loud that it’s not safe and, unless the conspiracy theory about selling drugs is real, I simply don’t get the reason why they do that. In first place, this is bullshit because condoms are a very effective fisical barrier that prevent even a single spermatozoid from swimming along the vaginal canal and straight up to the womb. Second, there’s no 100% safe method except for sexual abstinence; not even OC + condoms (theoretically not even tubal ligation) are 100% safe, since the human body isn’t a static machine and everything is prone to error. So, yes, opting for non-pharmacological methods of birth control instead of synthetic hormones can be valid.
Obs: condoms work as long as they’re properly stored, used and discarded. But the same can be said about OC and any other contraceptive methods. And, important: choosing a contraceptive method involves not only statistical data on the margin of error of condoms and pills, but also individual phychossocial aspects. In other words: a determined method might not be the doctors’ first option and they might not personally like it, but they can suck it up and use their fucking knowledges to find the best alternative for you.
Again, I’m not trying to encourage you anybody else to contradict their doctors. However, I think that questioning is part of a healthy and constructive process. First because doctors are human beings, therefore they’re as prone to error as anybody else (or even more due to long working hours). Second, because they’re supposed to be the primary source of information for any questions you might have about your own health. Third, because I believe with all my heart that the relationship between health professionals and their patients must include, if not be based in, trust.
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IT HAS BEEN A WILD, HORRIBLE RIDE AND LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT!
First of all, let me clarify that these two pictures were only taken weeks apart. The first one was taken August 21st 2018. The second was taken today on September 13th 2018.
Over the past few years I have been very overweight. I was never thin as a kid, I had a round face and a little on the chubbier side, but I wasn’t considered fat. Suddenly, towards the end of my senior year of high school I was gaining a lot of weight. at the time I was 18 years old and 165 lbs. I was going through a rough time in my life so I figured I was gaining because I ate too much and spent all day on my computer instead of going out. However, I’m only gaining weight in my stomach, but not my arms, legs or face. But my dad is the same way. I get asked if I’m pregnant a few times. It’s devastating to hear, but it didn’t happen often.
Fast forward a few years later and I get into my first serious relationship with a guy I met online. He’s super sweet, and I’ve sent him full body photos of what I look like. But when he came to finally visit me he said at one point that I was bigger than he thought I’d be. I was absolutely heartbroken and spent the rest of the day and into the next lying on my bed sobbing. We broke up a couple months later. Not specifically for that reason and we’re still good friends to this day, but even though I don’t hold what he said against him it still hurts me even now. It made me fearful of my next boyfriend, who’d I’d also met online, coming to see me and saying the same thing. Thankfully, he had been an absolute peach and we’ve been together for over two years now, but the underlying fear that one day he may decide I was too heavy for him was still present.
Moving forward to present day. Over the years I’ve been in and out of diets and exercise, but nothing has ever worked. I give up on trying to be thinner and instead try to practice self love and body positivity. I try to love myself the way I am, but deep down there are clothes I want to wear and cosplays I want to make that I would never look good in. My family is very concerned for me. A few months ago I went to Knotts Berry Farm for the first time since middle school with my best friend. I am now 25 years old and 225 pounds. I’m too heavy to be buckled in properly to most of the rides, but being extremely prideful and stupid I go on them anyway. I spend half of the rides scared for my life because I think about the stories of obese passengers falling out of their seats and I don’t enjoy myself as much as I could have been.
I got a job in retail back in January working or IKEA, which is an amazing job and so far I’ve loved working there, but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I at the cashier in the restaurant and I get asked if I’m pregnant by the customers CONSTANTLY. Every single day, multiple times a day. I always nicely correct them. Sometimes they ask me if something is wrong. I correct them again and say that I am fine. Because I feel fine. I am a perfectly healthy individual. I am happy, strong, and I eat right. But that’s the thing. I’ve been eating right and exercising. My job by itself is physically demanding. So why am I not losing weight? One day, a customer asks me if I’m pregnant first thing in the morning on an opening shift. I snap at him and I realize it’s time that I ask for help. So I book a doctor’s appointment to ask about it.
My doctor very nearly brushes me aside and is ready to give me a pamphlet on weight loss. I insist he checks further and that I am worried it may be something else, so he has me lay down and asks to check my stomach. He says I am like a balloon and asks about my period. I say that my periods are regular, but they are heavy and painful and my doctor immediately states he wants me to have a CT scan done, even though he previously stated he didn’t want to put me through the radiation at such a young age. A week after my CT scan I get a call back and my doctor informs me I have an ovarian cyst (non-cancerous). It’s been growing in my stomach for years, is full of fluids, and the part that floored me the most was that he said it was the size of a watermelon. I am told that within a week I will undergo surgery to have it drained and removed from my body.
These are pictures of me before and after the surgery. I don’t remember much, just the doctors putting a mask on me and I immediately blackout. They never even needed to ask me to count like I was told they would, I was already exhausted from not sleeping the night before and wanting a nap. I spent the night before watching all my favorite movies to help push through the anxiety. The cyst was successfully drained and removed and I was told it the fluids came to about 18 liters. I dropped 50 lbs in two hours. Its been over a week since my surgery and I’m still recovering. I have a healthy appetite, but it’s difficult to walk and breath right and I am on some really strong pain meds. I’m so excited to be healthy again, though!!! I never thought I’d be thin again! So many things I want to do and try that I couldn’t before. I’m less self-conscious about the cosplays I want to make and wear to conventions and already have a list of the ones I want to try it.
BUT LADIES, I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING! DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP!
I went through so many years of heartbreak and hating myself and I didn’t need to. If you think that there is a chance something is wrong, ask for help. Even if you don’t have a giant cyst like I did, if you aren’t happy with your body ask how you can change that so that you are happy. You aren’t alone. My friends, family, doctors, and boyfriend have all been so supportive. Don’t be like me. Don’t be this stupid person that was too stubborn to see the obvious. I doesn’t even have to be a weight or body issue, it could be something with your mental health, bur get help.
Please take care of yourself. From here on out I’m going to take care of myself.
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Please share!
I’m not the type of person to ask for donations, but an emergency surgery has thrown my life off kilter and I need help.
Last week I had an emergency surgery. Wednesday morning (6/5/19) I woke up sweating, with a temperature of 101 F, and severe abdominal pain that made me almost pass out when I stood up, and that caused profuse vomiting. My roommate took me to the emergency room.
I had labwork done, a CT scan, a pregnancy test (even though I explained that I’m a lesbian), internal and external pelvic ultrasounds, six attempts at an IV catheter, and multiple doses of Toradol and Fentanyl that barely touched my pain. After almost seven hours laying in triage literally screaming and writhing in pain, it was discovered that I had an ovarian torsion.
Basically, I had a grapefruit-sized hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary, and the weight of this cyst caused my ovary to twist several times. Because my ovary had gone so long without blood flow, the surgeon had to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube, along with the giant cyst. The surgeon said that had I NOT had the surgery in time, the cyst most likely would have ruptured and caused me to internally bleed to death. After my surgery, I had to spend the night in the hospital for observation.
Because this surgery couldn’t be done laparoscopically, I have multiple abdominal incisions, including a Pfannenstiel incision - the same pubic incision used in C-sections (and gynecological procedures). I’m looking at 6-8 weeks of recovery before my surgeon will release me back to work. I’ve been working two jobs since last year (on top of school full time). This summer was supposed to allow me to save up enough money to help put me through my last year of nursing school. Plus, on top of that, I have my regular bills coming due and I’m expecting a bill from the emergency room, surgery, and hospital stay at some point.
If you can’t donate, please share. I appreciate each of you.
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Women’s healthcare under the cut
For ladies with vaginas and uterus, please always take care of your gyn needs. If you are in debilitating pain or bleeding profusely do not accept some bs answer that you’ll grow out of it or its normal. It is NOT normal.
As someone who had crappy women’s healthcare in the 80s, and was in a lot of pain, bled so profusely I was on iron pills and couldn’t use standard feminine products, this is a sign of an underlying problem. My doctors at the time told me and my mom it was normal for some girls. My mother thought it odd because she didn’t experience that but she believed the doctors.
Years went by, I got a little better and then worse. I bled for a month and it wasn’t until my mid 20s the words ovarian cyst were mentioned. But that was quickly countered with every woman has cysts. It’s no big deal. They come and go. My concern over bleeding for a month straight was shrugged off. I was given oral contraceptives that allegedly would help.
I was so sick. For about 3 months of nausea on and off, I lived on vanilla frozen yogurt and regular yogurt to settle my stomach. Several times I couldn’t work and had to have someone pick me up from work I was so sick. Yeah it helped the ovarian issue eventually - or so I thought.
Years later those pills stopped working. My cycle went crazy. I was told to wait it out. F that. I quit taking the pills and things got better. Another new dr said she was concerned but she thought I should let my body self regulate for a while. Nobody checed my ovaries. No scans were ordered. Really bad idea.
Down the road another few years, more problems, tried new oral contraceptives. A roller coaster of nausea for 6 months and I said screw this. I can’t live like this. Dr. said I didn’t give it enough time. 6 months. Seriously. Finally after another few years and more problems and consulting with more drs I got an ultra sound. Ovarian cysts and fibroids. Something that should have been discovered long ago.
Another attempt at oral contraceptives and the patch which I was told later wouldn’t work because I was too overweight. Gee thanks.
After moving into a new health care system and getting past the, well you’re fat, that’s your issue, despite having perfectly normal blood work and no other health problems ahem, I got to a gyn (a female gyn) who told me I had a very serious problem and no it wouldn’t just ago away and no oral contraceptives wouldn’t solve this due to the severity. She was pretty horrified at all the crap I’d been told.
One ovarian cancer scare and surgery later, I received confirmation this was an ongoing problem and had been for decades. Oh yes, and I was now firmly on the Ovarian Cancer watch list since it had now reached such a bad stage. The new cysts forming were filled with blood which is not good. I was on a new oral contraceptive that blessedly didn’t make me sick - lowest dose estrogen they could give me - and over time, it helped.
But I still live with repercussions. Menopause visited me early. But that didn’t stop things. I now have bigger fibroids and an enlarged uterus pressing against things in my abdomen. The pain has been pretty bad. It wakes me up at night since it radiates into my back and down my legs as well as across my abdomen. Stress makes it worse. I’m on a different med to help with the other issues this has now caused. I’m doing better but may have to have more surgery. Dr. appt is next week to discuss next step.
The moral here is please make sure you are getting good women’s healthcare advice. If you or your daughter is suffering, don’t just accept the meh it’s normal. Get a second opinion. Don’t be afraid to ask for an ultrasound. Yes, it’s expensive. I’m sorry , it is. I had to make a down payment on mine even with insurance. But do it if you can for your health. PCOS - polycistic ovarian syndrome will not go away and will get worse. It can cause infertility among many other things. Please catch it earlier than I did. You don’t have to live at the whim of your reproductive organs attacking you.
#I hope this helps someone#ladies with reproductive organs#PCOS#ovarian cysts#heath stuff#graphic talk of womanly reproductive cycle#periods#women's health#when your#uterus#attacks you
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I’m Fat and that’s OK.
Several years ago I restricted my caloric intake to a point that I gave myself gallstones. I’ve had disordered eating since I was young, as happens when you grow up fat. I remember dieting when I was in middle school, joining gyms with my mom and aunt in sixth grade, eating nothing but a glass of milk and an apple until dinner in an attempt to be acceptable to the kids that teased me. I’ve dieted, tried exercise routines that I took too far because I’m super competitive and obsessive, counted calories and ended up memorizing caloric content of certain foods. I got helpful advice from people that cared about me: drink a glass of water before every meal (which turned into only drinking a glass of water instead of eating a meal), eat less, substitute celery for a snack, dance while standing in line to burn extra calories...I spent a good year as a middle schooler doing the Slimfast thing, or using the same concept but with milk when we couldn’t afford actual diet drinks. I spent my entire high school career never eating lunch, only occasionally snatching fries from my friends or skipping lunch to go to an elective with them followed by a few times a year staying after school for stage crew and conveniently not eating dinner either. I was always fat. I was nicknamed Miss Piggy in grade school, tormented by bullies, left out, beaten up a few times. Once one of the boys threw a bottle of glue at me so hard that I had a bruise the size of a melon on my hip for a month, coincidentally on the same side I get ovarian cysts, I’m sure it has nothing to do with that...When I almost died of Salmonella at ten I was happy not that I had survived but that I had lost thirty pounds. I alternated not eating anything with binging on junk food. Still to this day if I can’t bring myself to eat anything else I know I can eat ice cream or some sort of fried potato or chocolate. The summer before my senior year of high school I rode my bike eight miles every day it wasn’t raining. Sometimes I rode twice that. I rarely brought water with me, it was summer but I figured that it just meant I would lose weight faster. I did lose weight, I dropped five or six dress sizes and suddenly I was acceptable, I was cool, I was desirable. I was also terribly damaged and needy and threw myself into a series of really bad decisions and relationships because I had zero self esteem. I eventually gained all the weight back. In college I almost fainted during a theater rehearsal and was forced to eat a bag of pretzels, it was the only thing I had eaten that day because I had been busy. I learned that I could replace a meal with a candy bar, something to keep my sugar up. I can’t stand people seeing me eat, I would buy things out of the vending machines and hide in little used spaces and eat my candy bar or poptart. Under the stairs, in the garden, in the basement break room...I knew where all the vending machines were and would avoid them if there was someone else there. I kept dieting, I downloaded apps to help track calories and exercises. The machines at the gym gave read outs of how many calories burned. I was congratulated on every bit I lost, every hour spent at the gym, I fed on praise instead of food. My app said I could have 3000 calories, I barely ate 1200 on a regular basis and that was when I was actively trying. But then I’d look at that 1200 and think, I can do better. The hours of exercise built up and I competed with myself to see how little calories I could log. Each teaspoon of sugar is 15 calories (I didn’t have to look that up, I’ll probably remember it when I’ve forgotten my own name), milk is 125 but black coffee is almost nothing, celery is also almost nothing. 1000, 900, 800...the human body burns something like 800 calories just to keep you alive, so if I eat less than that I’m bound to lose weight, right? Well, yes, I did. After a few months of that I had lost a lot of muscle, my body burning itself up to keep me moving, out of breath walking up stairs, obviously I was out of shape despite the diet and exercise…See, when you’re skinny and you do this, people worry about you and you have an eating disorder, but when you’re fat every pound and inch lost is a victory. According to a doctor I was seeing around that time “Fat people don’t have eating disorders.” I was seeing them because I started having gallstone attacks, I had no insurance and couldn’t afford the surgery, they suggested that I “Just stop eating McDonalds” I insisted that I didn’t eat McDonalds, that I didn’t actually eat much of anything, that I had cut out junk food, that I was dieting, that I thought that maybe I was dieting too much and had a problem. This was met with skepticism and I was told that if that was true then I should keep up the good work. For the first time in all my turbulent history with food I was actually afraid of eating. The wrong food or food at the wrong time resulted in pain. Not eating had also resulted in pain. I had done this to myself, I gave myself permission to eat but I was terrified of putting food in my mouth. Finally after twenty one attacks, some lasting over 9 hours I went to the ER. I was developing jaundice, they gave me the option of surgery. It was elective, they were very clear on that, I could go home, of course I might need a new liver, but it was my choice.
After that I stopped dieting. I eat junk food, I eat good food, I eat because I enjoy it, I walk, again because I enjoy it. I gain weight, I lose weight, I have stretch marks, I still remember calories and I despise that everything has calories on the label now. I’ve gone to therapy, I found out why I am obsessive and restrictive (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) and have tools to help. I still sometimes survive on poptarts although that’s being poor/convenience/I genuinely like them not because I’m afraid that people will see me eat real food. I eat salad because I like vegetables almost as much as chocolate not because I’m supposed to in order to be seen as a “good” fat person. I eat fast food and chips and give zero fucks what someone might say about it and know that I’m allowed to eat what I want, just not to over do it. I am still self conscious, I still worry about whether someone will find me attractive, I still have days where nothing fits right and even my own skin feels wrong and I probably always will. To be fair, I had those days when I was a size 12 too. I found doctors that don’t harp on my BMI (which is a bullshit measure, how could I have the same BMI when I was a size 18 as when I was a size 12 and you could count every rib and take out an eye with my hip bone?), I’m not looking forward to finding new ones but hopefully I can find one that won’t try to make me lose weight before treating my strep throat (totally something that happened).
But the thing is, I work with a lot of women and they are always comparing diets. They eat their salads and talk about how much they hurt from the gym and how no, they can’t have that bread it’s all carbs. And I have a few girls (it’s always the girls) who come through my lunch line and ask for sandwiches without bread because they’re trying to lose weight (although I would have sold both my arms to be as skinny as them when I was their age) and I just want to shake them. I want to tell them about how I starved myself for most of my life, how I hid in my bedroom to eat and hated every moment that I ate with other people and never wanted to be the first in line for food, how I made myself sick and how I’m probably heavier because my body wants to hold on to every calorie I begrudgingly gave it. How those “Recommended daily calorie intake” things are low balled and growing kids should be getting more like 3000-3500 calories a day and the unknown damage I’ve done to myself by only getting half that for most of my life. I want to tear down the whole system that makes money off making us feel bad about ourselves and assure them that none of it matters, that you only have one body and one life and you can’t put off living until you reach some unattainable and unsustainable goal. I want to rip those little signs off everything that says how many calories are in things because it has taken me YEARS of purposefully ignoring them before I can eat things without thinking of how many hours I’d have to be on an elliptical to justify eating something. Because there are little girls looking at themselves in mirrors and hating themselves, because there are women that are painfully aware of how many calories are in those things and don’t need a little sign to remind them, because there are women that are still waiting to be thin enough to love themselves and do all the things they want to do but don’t think they can because they’re too fat. Because there are doctors that would rather we die while they treat our fat instead of our illness. Because fat is the worst thing you can be when there are so many worse things. Because you can’t hate yourself into someone you can love. Because the things we pick up from the world around us and the scars that are left from cruel classmates and behaviors that we develop are insidious and last a lifetime and I’m still self conscious about the way I look. No assurances that “a few hundred years ago, yours was the ideal body type” or “boys may not want to date you now, but someday men will want to marry you” or “Real girls have curves” (which excuse me, but all girls are real girls, curves or lack thereof notwithstanding), or encouraging words from lovers will ever change or erase that damage. I still have bad days. I read something in a story the other day about a chubby, older woman from the male character’s point of view and how he liked the way she looked and I realized that I had never considered that someone could be attracted to me. I always figured that people liked me despite my weight, or that they might like it but in a probably creepy, chubby chaser sort of way. It hadn’t occurred to me that my weight might not even be a factor, or that I might be beautiful (I’ve been told I was, but figured that people are just being nice or just saying that because they wanted something) I had honestly thought that everyone I have ever interacted with just put up with my weight or were willing to overlook it. I had to close my kindle app for a while, I couldn’t process anymore of the story because I had been struck momentarily dumb but the realization that people may well find me attractive. It’s incredibly hard to get past those hang ups but I’m getting better and I want everyone else to get better too.
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Finally talking about what's going on.
Sam and I want kids. Desperately. This was something that we talked about from the moment we started our relationship because my ex husband didnt want kids and a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy in that case) was a huge reason that he left. I wanted to make sure that the next person I dated wanted what I wanted and wouldnt abandon me if something like that happened again.
Sam and I havent ever been careful exactly either. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and several doctors have told me it was highly unlikely that I would successfully conceive a child without the use of fertility drugs. Sam and I have been together since March of 2017. And nothing took.
3 weeks ago I started bleeding, which was fine. I was due to start my period, which usually is about 1 month and a half after the end of my last period. It's not regular at all. So that's a guestimation. Sometimes it feels like my period just comes whenever it feels like it. But this time it was so painful. I asked to go home from work but was not allowed to. This pain continued for 3 days and nothing I took alleviated the pain, and I was not allowed off of work. I'm not allowed to sit at work, so i brought a shopping basket behind my register and used that as a chair when no managers or customers were around.
Eventually my period became "normal". But 2 weeks later I was still bleeding. Out of curiosity, I took a pregnancy test, honestly expecting it to be negative. They were always negative. But this time 2 lines appeared on the test, and @lmperio took me to the store and bought another test. That one was positive too.
We went to the ER. And they performed several different tests. They told me I was miscarrying and to follow up with my regular obgyn. I cried. A lot.
The next day I saw my obgyn. She told me she wanted more bloodwork and that she wasnt convinced it was a miscarriage. I got it done. And she ordered another round of bloodwork.
She sat me down in her office. Not a miscarriage. Ectopic pregnancy, and now I (a pro-choicer who always knew they could never make that choice) was being told that I needed to take a shot to dissolve the egg that was lodged in my fallopian tube. I begged for more bloodwork, praying that my body would take care of this so that I didnt have to make that choice.
I went back to the ER Saturday as I had developed a pilonidal cyst on my tailbone. They told me my bloodwork results. The levels had gone up.
Last night I cried and cried. I've been missing school and work. My boss has been cruel and unsympathetic to my feelings. Saying that I dont need children anyway. Told me that Sam should get a vasectomy. That made me cry too.
My parents were so hopeful. And so were me and Sam. But we knew. I havent told my mother. And I wont.
Tomorrow, I have to get a shot of methotrexate, which will terminate the pregnancy. I may not have carried this pregnancy any further, but I love you, little baby bean. I love you with all of my heart. I'm so sorry that I have to make this choice, but this wouldnt end well for either of us. You will always be in my heart. I will never forget you. Not ever. I'm sorry that I couldnt be the mother to you that I wanted to be. But I still love you so much. And I dont want to say goodbye.
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