#and then they act as tho its your fault for them hardly ever talking to you

[aisu-zeilia]

To Allure and Impede

SUMMARY: Marvin Lockens was fifteen when he was brought under Jameson Jackson’s wing and first started learning how to control and use his magic. Since then, he’s met Henrik Schneeplestein, the Castle’s doctor and his father figure, Chase Brody, the Castle’s Third in Command and best archer around, Jackie Bullmon, the Second in Command and Head Guard who’s always wearing red, and Sean McLoughlin, the King Himself, as well as various others. Yet, despite being with them for more than four years and proving to be a skilled mage, they all still treated him like the shy child they first met. And he was tired of it. What happens when he meets a stranger in the woods, who gives him cards to hand out and disappears into the shadows? What happens when he hides it from everyone? What happens at the Masquerade?

W̙͍̠̿̄͘h̬̲͇̻͎̍a̖̣͇̯͌̈͆ͯ̒͊̿t͇̗̖͕̻̽̄̑ ͚̼̜̪̥͎ͪͬ͊ͦͫ̉̚H̻̯͈͎͇͎͇ͣͣ͛͛ͣ̇ã̠̼̝̖̫̌̽ͯ̍̑p̝̌̐̿̔ͩͤṗ̷̻̳ͤ̂͋ͬ̋͒e̫̪̣̽̐ń͓͚̞͈̲̯͡s̶̀̐͋͂̈?̥̖͊͘

Chapter 3 Words: 1439 Warnings: Mental Breakdown, vague mentions of abuse, self deprecating talk A/N: OOOOHHHHHHHH BOY YALL ARE GONNA MURDER ME FOR THIS CHAPTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Not gonna lie i hurt myself writing this. But hey, I TRIED ADDING FLUFF and ended up adding angst too im SORRY. Anyways, all chapters arw under #TAI AU

and btw, thank my beta readers @lin-apples and @jackjames-exe as per usual

previous // next

Inhale. Exhale. In. Out. Left. Right. Left. Right. Blink. Keep running. Dont look back.

they don't care. They can do better. They dont need you. They'll throw you out too.

Marvin kept running. He ignored the branches hitting his face. Ignored the searing pain in his chest. Ignored the cold, the tears in his clothes. Run away from them. Run away from those thoughts. Don't think. Focus on running. Don't let them find you. Hide. Don't disappoint them.

He didn't know when he reached the familiar house, nor how. All he knew was that one moment he was tearing through the mud, falling, running. The next, hes shivering, wet from tripping into the small stream, knocking on the dark wood door.

A woman opened the door, wavy red hair messy and tied back. She blinked for a few moments, before registering how the mage apprentice in front of her looked. "...Marvin? Marvin, hon, what happened?!" She exclaimed, cupping his face and pushing his green hair away from his eyes. "Come in, come in!"

"You...what happened hon? You're covered in dirt and you're wet, Lucy can you start the fire?" She pulled him inside, already working to remove the wet articles of clothing. "Lets get you warmed up so you dont get pneumonia or hypothermia, ok?" Lucy, who Marvin remembers seeing with Henrik and Marissa, had brought over a quilt and handed it to her mother. She promptly wrapped him up, pulling him to the fire. "Come here, tell me what happened. Talk to me."

Marvin was tearing up, shivering and curling close to the mother figure. Everything in his mind was beginning to settle in, and it was terrifying him. But Marissa didn't push, just held him while Lucy wrapped around his waist. ".....it's okay hon, you're alright...you're safe....."

The dam broke, and suddenly he was clinging to her, sobbing, letting everything spill from his lips. Telling her about the woods, the mystery person, the cards. He told her about the ride home, the lies he told, the outburst. He told her about how he snapped, how he ran from them, how he ran away from the castle. He told her about how he was scared and didnt know why, how he was terrified.

The entire time, she listened. She held him close, carding a hand through his green hair. She didn't let go. Lucy had left, most likely to retrieve something to help comfort the apprentice.

" .....oh hon....." Marissa breathed, seeming to hold him even closer than before. "i won't tell Henrik about this, or Jamie. But i do advise you to give those cards away and get rid of them." A whine escaped Marvin's lips. He didnt want to confront them, not now. There was too much fear, too much tension.

Marissa seemed to sense this. "It doesn't have to be immediately, just soon, alright? Now, Henrik isn't due home any time soon, with the masquerade coming up. And I'm not telling anyone about you being here, so if you want to stay for a few days you go ahead. But for now, lets get you cleaned up." The ginger helped him up, guiding him to the guest room. She chuckled, seeing a bunch of her daughter's stuffed animals being spread over the bed. Even Marvin smiled softly at the sight, the 10-year-old's attempt at cheering him up warming his heart.

"There's clothes on the bed. If you need anything either come get me or tell Luce to come get me, okay?" Marissa murmured. "My room is right down the hall."

Marvin was torn. On one hand, he wanted to go in that room and disappear forever. On the other hand, he wanted, no, needed comfort. He needed to be held, to be told it was alright. He needed to feel safe.

He fell onto his knees, wrapping his arms around Marissa. She made a small noise of surprise, but held him tight. It didn't matter that Marvin was an adult, it didn't matter that it had been years since he was held like this. No, right now it was a mother, holding the scared fourteen year old child that was covered in scars and left on the streets to die, all because he had abilities that were feared. All because he didn't know control yet.

She guided him to the bed carefully, turning around only to let him change into more dry clothing, and tucked him in. At one point, Lucy had joined them, curling up next to Marvin. Marissa had smiled, and stayed with them. She hummed a lullaby, only stopping when they were both asleep. Carefully, she took off the mask that hid his scars, and set it on the nightstand.

She smiled, pressing a kiss to both Marvin and Lucy's foreheads. While Marvin was only a little more than ten years younger than her, and found on the streets, he was her child. And just because he was nineteen, that made no difference to her.

Marissa got up, blowing out all but one of the candles. She quietly walked to the door, taking one last glance at the pair.

"Sweet dreams Marvin, Lucy" she murmured, shutting the door.

"You don't really believe her, don't you?" 

Marvin whirled around, seeing the figure of the person in the woods. Around him, there was nothing but a black void. It seemed to be endless, not an ounce of light anywhere. And in the center of it all was a dark silhouette of a person, covered by a cloak. Though, he could see the green eyes underneath the hood, slitted like a cat's.

"You think that you can stay away for a day or two, and everything will be alright?" The male continued, steadily approaching the mage. "You think it will be normal? News flash, Marvin, it won't be! They'll use this against you. Call you a child, make choices for you. Never give you your freedom."

"....whst do I do?" Marvin looked down, defeated. Whoever he was....he was right. They would see him as the baby, the child that was brought to Jameson four years ago. Nothing more.

The figure grinned. " Perform. Pass out the cards. Make yourself known. If everyone loves you, it will be easier for you to have the freedom you crave. The freedom you NEED. The freedom they won't give you."

The world seemed to grow darker, and Marvin could tell he was waking up. "And one more thing. Don't tell her about this. In fact, don't tell anyone." His voice echoed, before the figure surrounded by darkness disappeared from his vision.

"-vie! Marvie!"

Marvin shot up, breathing heavily. He was slightly ahaking, and covered in a cold sweat. Light peeked in from behind the curtains, and a candle close to dying sat on the dresser.

He jumped, feeling hands wrap around his waist. It was Lucy, hair messed up and looking worried for the older male. "....you were shaking and saying things...." She murmured, sounding concerned and scared. Marvin was like her older brother, afterall. And to see him vulnerable....it was scary to see those who are like protectors break.

Marvin breathed a sigh of relief, pulling her in for a proper hug. "Shh, its okay....I'm alright, see? Just a bad dream." He murmured. He was well aware that later he would be handing out cards, giving everyone a hint of magic in their lives. But for now, it felt like his heart was saying that it was best to stay and be a protective older brother. And so he would listen, at least for a little while.

Jameson was pacing. He had hardly any sleep, save for when he dozed off for just over two hours at his desk. So far no one had found him. Jack had to stay in the castle, so he tried to help search in discreet ways. Henrik had stayed as wel, in case Marvin returned or was brought back injured. Chase had taken his horse and combed through the woods, finding nothing but a couple scraps of material too close to the castle to help. Jackie had taken to the streets, having no luck. He even tried Marissa and Henrik's house, but she denied him ever coming by. 

To say he was stressed was an understatement. He was filled with concern, worried about Marvin. It was his fault, he was the one who snapped. And, according to Henrik and Chase, he had been acting weird all day. Yet he never noticed it.

Jameson sat down in his chair, running a hand through his hair and leaning back.

He just hoped Marvin was okay.

WHOOOOOOO okay just a heads up:

Marissa is Henrik's wife. We dont have a canon name for her or her child's canon name/gender. All we know is that Henrik jas a wife and kids, and I had a friend name her. She found Marvin on the street, face scarred up and just overall beaten up. She took him in for just over a year, then he started going with Henrik to the castle to be taught by Jameson. Hee would always go home with Henrik tho.

now you know.

#jacksepticeye #jse egos #marvin the magnificent #jameson jackson #dr schneeplestein #jacksepticegos #Antisepticeye #TAI AU

[broadwaytheanimatedseries]

PART 4! LETS GO!

Remmy- dyes his hair pink so often that no one except his dad knows his real hair color anymore. His dad also dyes his hair pink and they like to pretend like this is a completely natural hair color to have so at this point all their friends just accept the fact that they'll never know. He and virgil were college roommates and got along so well they decided to keep being roommates after college. Made it easier to pay rent. Remmy has a habit of leaving the house whenever and coming home also whenever without notice which pisses virgil off sometimes,especially if he stays out late and doesnt call or even text virgil at all. Virgil gets anxious and restless when that happens,more than usual,and when remmy finally returns,safe and sound and happy,virgil is relived,exhausted,and angry all at once. But thats just part of a routine they settled into since college,and virgil finds a weird kind of comfort in worrying for remmy,acting like he's a parent to this teenager pretending to be an adult. Remmy is so often found at starbucks that he has a favorite barista. (Its valerie because if there is one interaction i need in my life more than anything its remmy and valerie). One time valerie didnt show up to work for almost a whole week and remmy had to put up with a guy who was annoyingly loud,overly dramatic,and kept misspelling his name on purpose. (Tho he had to admit some of the nicknames he gave him were pretty good. Especially remus lupin and ratatouille's monster.)

(Also idk where to mention this so just gonna say,Remmy got matching leather jackets for him and virgil when they started living together. Virgil's jacket says 'drama' on the back,and remmy's says 'queen').

Remmy's dad is a sweet man known to almost everyone in town as dr picani. Which means that for the longest time,remmy was known as "dr picani's kid". And that gets really old really fast. It got so annoying that when his pranks and attitude made him known as "lazy punk" and other such nicknames he was so happy. The only times he didnt feel happy was when the comments about his attitude would involve his father. "How could such a kind man raise such an obnoxious son?". And it didnt help when his dad tried to treat him like one of his patients to figure out what caused this sudden change in his attitude. So he started directing his anger at his dad. Or as he would call him in an attempt to piss him off,his step-dad. While he was still living with his father,remmy would often turn calm disscusions into heated arguments just so he'll have an excuse to yell at his dad. He would always call him by his first name,emille,just to keep in with the whole step-dad act. He knew it was wrong,he knew it wasnt his dad's fault that everyone around them just didnt see remmy as his own person untill he started rebelling. He still kept acting like it was. And even after realizing his mistakes he couldnt bring himself to talk to his dad.

But he knew he had to apologize somehow.

So after making an appearance on virgil's channel and seeing how so many people wanted to see more of him,he made a video and uploaded it to his channel,(theratfromratatouille),titled "for dad" with no description. The video opens with his face extremely close to the camera. He fixes his hair and takes off his sunglasses,reaviling dark brown,almost black eyes,with flecks of silver. (This is the first time anyone online has ever seen remmy picani without his sunglasses,and you can be damn certain there was tons of fanart of this moment.) He then steps away from the camera so that the top half of his body is in the frame,and he starts to sing. https://youtu.be/iF6SzWvggq0

By the second verse he's fighting tears but he is detirmined to make it through the whole song without crying. In the end he smiles,his eyes practically shining with unshed tears,and quickly closes the camera. His subscriber count doubled after that video and it has a LOT of views. A few days after that,he got a call from his dad and they met in his office and talked it out.

(His full name is remus dorian picani. Because naming your child after famous book characters is met with less judgement than naming them after an animated disney rat and an animated disney fish. When he was young his dad would call hide and seek "finding dori" and if you dont think thats adorable than idk what to tell ya)

Hope you enjoyed this,because its hardly the end.

So as always!

stay tuned...

#dee writes #babysitter au #this one's a doozie

[lizziebennet]

Hi Aurora okay first tysm for your blog It's so lovely to have another person so passionate about my fave things (i.e hp and period dramas) Anyway, i recently read the HP series (again) and found myself feeling SO MUCH. I genuinely teared up at so many different touching parts and I was just wondering what are your favorite most heart-wrenching/emotional parts from the books? I realize this is a lengthy quesition so feel free to never answer this or take a year.

ye S SS i love being passionate ab things and sharing that passion w my followers!!!!! i love yall esp when u ask me questions like this where i get to talk ab my fave things everrrrrrrrr (ps thank u so much for letting me take forever to answer this ur so cute to say that ilysm)

ok so literally i will cry my way thru the entire series when i reread bc harry potter has so much emotional weight for me and so many memories that go along with it. but i decided to limit myself to just 10 bc otherwise id be sitting here typing all day. so w/o further ado: 

AURORA’S TOP 10 MOST TEARFUL HARRY POTTER MOMENTS: 

((in no particular order)) 

HARRY READS LILY’S LETTER IN DH: listen harry doesnt actually spend a lot of the books angsting over the fact that he doesnt have parents but in moments like this u remember he IS AN ORPHAN AND IT GETS ME SO HARD. fuk like just picturing harry crouched on the floor of sirius’s bedroom reading that letter… rereading it… crying… wow.gif!!!!! the line that makes me cry eveRY TIME is “She had made her g’s the same way he did : he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.“ LIKE RIP RIP RIP ABORT ABORT ABORT ITS TOO SAD!!!!!

THE LOST PROPHECY IN OOTP: JESSESCREAMING.JPEG!!!!!!!!!!!! listen ,,, i talk ab this chapter so much on my blog. it is my #1 favorite moment in my #1 favorite harry potter book which is my #1 favorite series of all time. SO ITS A PRETTY BIG DEAL. harry’s reaction to sirius’s death… his anger at dumbledore… his grief… his discovery of his fate… its beautiful writing and its so painful but so amazing to read. LIKE!!!!! MY BABY!!! HE’S LOST SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!!!!! MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD!!!!!!!!!! “I DON’T CARE!“ Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” “You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”” LIKE LITERALLY WHEN I GET TO THIS POINT I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!! also fun story: one time i was listening to ootp on audiobook while on vacation and we were in the car waiting to taxi on to a ferry boat and we were listening to this chapter when the ferry guy came by to take our tickets and i had like TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE and jim dale is yelling as harry in the background…. the guy was like ‘is this bitch ok??’ lmaOOOOo 

HARRY AND THE MIRROR OF ERISED IN SS:  this is another one of those moments where you remember that harry is an orphan and its /so/ painful. thinking about this teeny 11 year old baby harry sneaking out every night just to sit in front of this mirror so he can see his parents………my darling baby sweetheart i love him So Much. it just makes me so sad like hes /so young/ AND HE JUST WANTS TO SEE HIS PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! it also gives way to one of my all time favorite hp quotes: “It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” 

HARRY STOPS SIRIUS AND LUPIN FROM KILLING PETER IN POA: me reading this part is literally ISAYTHATSMYBABYANDIMREALLYPROUD.GIF!!!!!! like!! my boy!! he finds out this man literally caused the death of his parents and he MAKES THE GROWN ASS ADULTS SPARE HIS LIFE… LIKE… he literally acts twice his age and is so mature and is just…….so amazing. it shows such strength and wisdom and it makes me SO PROUD. the way he references james also makes me cry because you see the relationship harry has with james even though he’s literally never met him and its so beautiful. i love harry so much. 

HARRY AFTER SECTUMSEMPER-ING MALFOY IN HBP: this is literally the opposite of that last one where im so proud of harry this is def… not one of his best moments lol. he rly rly fucks up and his guilt is so raw and it makes me so emotional because i feel SO bad for him. its def an important harry moment in the books because it shows his flaws and the consequences of his rage, but it also shows how GOOD he is because he feels so bad about what happens and like willingly takes his punishment even though it means that he cant play in the quidditch match. he really like… atones and even tho its rough to read i def love that its a part of the series bc its a really like watershed moment for harry and i think it really reminds him of the wizard he wants to be. this part also leads to i think a more satisfying harry/ginny first kiss bc ginny defends harry and then him not going to the game leads to “several sunlit days” AKA ONE OF MY FAVE HP MOMENTS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

HARRY AND HERMIONE VISIT JAMES AND LILY’S GRAVE IN DH: “But they were not living, thought Harry: They were gone. The empty words could not disguise the fact that his parents’ moldering remains lay beneath snow and stone, indifferent, unknowing.And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off or pretending? He let them fall, his lips pressed hard together, looking down at the thick snow hiding from his eyes the place where the last of Lily and James lay, bones now, surely, or dust, not knowing or caring that their living son stood so near, his heart still beating, alive because of their sacrifice and close to wishing, at this moment, that he was sleeping under the snow with them.”  THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS THAT I HAVE TO STOP READING BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS ANYMORE. I CRIED TYPING THIS. IM SO SAD. 

THE FOREST AGAIN IN DH: hoo boy. hoooooo boy this is a Big One. this one is really…. wow. just. wow. [deep breath]. there is So Much in this chapter that makes me cry where do i even START. harry realizing that he has to die and ACCEPTING IT BRAVELY LIKE THE HERO HE IS. “Why had he never appreciate what a miracle he was,  brain and nerve and bounding heart?” im crying….. hes so good. HARRY NEARLY STOPPING WHEN HE SEES GINNY and ginny’s crying and comforting some girl and im crying too. JAMES. SIRIUS. LILY. REMUS. WHEN HARRY ASKS IF IT HURTS TO DIE LIKE LITEARLLY I HAVE TO PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GET UP  AND WLAK AROUND THE ROOM BECAUSE I GET SO EMOTIONAL LIKE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! when harry sees harry and screams at him ……………… rip in pieces me!!!!!!!! ALSO ONE OF HIS LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE AVADA KEDAVRA IS OF GINNY AND KISSING HER……….. [GUNSHOTS] [SCREAMING]

BELLATRIX TORTURES HERMIONE IN DH: fuk this scene is no joke scary like it took harry potter to another level of real darkness. hermione being tortured was so chilling like beautiufl amazing smart snarky hermione it was so painful to read like my heart rate goes up when i read it bc im worried for my girl :/ and ron is sHAKING and like screaming and literally throwing himself at the walls to try to get to her and its SO upsetting like. they are still CHILDREN like theyre all so young and they dont deserve this like. hearing her plead and stuff … its just…. too much. these are my CHILDREN i have to PROTECT them. 

HARRY DIGS DOBBYS GRAVE IN DH: this is another one of those harry moments where i just want to give him a huge hug. like he insists on digging dobby’s grave by hand which is just ..... [gets choked up] its fine. and his thoughts while he dig make me so sad. he so /tired/. hes so frustrated with dumbledore and he the hallows and the horcruxes and he feels responsible for what happened. and ron coming out and helping him dig silently makes me so happy and its one of those times u really see how much rons friendship means to harry. and harry comes out of this like ... older and more mature? his wisdom and knowledge is rly apparent when he talks with griphook and olivander right after this like. he knows what hes going to do. hes made his choice. hes not going to race voldemort for the wand. i love him so much for that choice. hes such a grown man in this part like accepting responsibility, taking care of hermione and everyone like getting things in order. i love him. 

MRS WEALSEY HUGS HARRY IN THE HOSPITAL WING IN GOF: “’It wasn’t your fault, Harry,’ Mrs. Weasley whispered. ‘I told him to take the cup with me,’ said Harry. Now the burning feeling was in his throat too. He wished Ron would look away. Mrs. Weasley set the potion down on the bedside cabinet, bent down, and put her arms around Harry. He had no memory of ever being hugged like this, as though by a mother. The full weight of everything he had seen that night seemed to fall in upon him as Mrs. Weasley held him to her. His mothers face, his father’s voice, the sight of Cedric, dead on the ground all started spinning in his head until he could hardly bear it, until he was screwing up his face against the howl of misery fighting to get out of him.” HARRY POTTER DESERVES MORE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he feels so guilty about cedric and god bless mrs weasley for telling him it wasnt his fault because it WASNT!!! he did so amazing in the graveyard like.. .he saw voldemort return and he fought him and he survived and he saw his paretns and hE TOOK CEDRICS BODY BACK SO IT COULD BE WITH HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!! HE TOOK IT BACK FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i would die a thousand deaths if it meant that harry didnt have to experience this pain!!!!

whew so there we go!!!!! the bottom line is obviously that i love the harry potter series more than anything and specifically i love the boy harry potter so so SO much and his suffering is agonizing to read and he didnt deserve any of it!!! i can litearlly think of SO many more heartbreaking moments in the series but here are just a handful. happy birthday to harry!!! 

#anonymous #aurora got an ask #hp #aurora RANTS

[fangirls-awkwardly]

.

#smth i always find really annoying #is when people who you think are your friends never try and get in touch with you #and the only time they talk to you is when you message them first and even then they barely talk #and then they act as tho its your fault for them hardly ever talking to you #and its like?? mate i try #they couldnt even wish me a happy birthday yesterday lol #i love my friends #rant #my post

[mintyicee]

Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3

#rant #venting #feelings #loneliness #sadness #anger #friends #people #depression #life #church

[checksecondaryblog]

“heyy, all of the questions please ;)”

IM SO SORRY I DIDNT DID THIS SOONER!!!!

SCHOOL WAS CRAZY AND STUFF, OMG I ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT  GETTING ASKS BUT WHEN I GET THEM I DONT ANSWER THEM  IM A BIG MESS!!!

AND ALSO HOLY FUCK 70 QUESTIONS....but i guess that was my fault for not putting a limit and bcs i said i was bored ...so is okay...

lets just start....

1. Do you have a good relantionship with your parents?- I mean, i guess i just a “normal” relantionship, sometimes we dont really talk to each other, but others we are together watching movies or playing games, so i guess is ok.

2.Who did you last say “i love you” to?- Written, to a friend bcs... San valentines day, but verbally, probably my mom or my family in general.

3. Do you regret anything?- LIKE 80% OF MY TRASHY LIFE.

4. Are you insecure?- yES

5. What is your relantionship status?- Lonely af

6.  How do you want to die?-.uhmmmm... anything that is not painful, i really dont want to die slowly or painfully.

7.  What did you last eat?- Tacos bcs im a mexican :v.... ok now it was soup.

8. Played any sports?-i used to play basketball twice a week, im trying to play voleball now but idk really.

9.  Do you bite your nails?- i also bite my pens....

10.  When was your last physical fight?-i mean, im more of a pacifist who evades all physical accion, so... “”technically”” when i was 7 yrs old... but literally i just hit a boy and ran away... it wasnt even hard enough to make him mad at me....(i think he didnt even noticed....)

11. Do you like someone? you mean like someone who is real and even knows me.... nope

12. Have you stayed up 48 hours?- not really, my record is 20 something...

13. Do you hate anyone this moment?- like half my fucking classmates.

14. Do you miss someone? a friend who moved to another state... we still chat, but it was funnier when we actually saw each other.

15. Have any pets? Not right now, but i want to...

16. How exactly are you feeling at the moment?- feeling the stress of all the work i havent done.

17. Ever made out in the bathroom?- i havent even made out in a “normal” place ever....

18. Are you scared of spiders?- ehhhhhh.... i dont scream and panic when i see them, but i dont have the guts to kill them or get too close... i just kinda.... stare at them until they leave and hide again in my house... they are gonna take over someday....

19. Would you go back in time if given the chance?- Not really... what if i fuck my life more?!

20.  Where was the last place you snogged someone?-*mexican ass doesnt known what “snogged” is, so she searches it* nOPe

21.  What are your plans for this weekend?- Just lay on my bed procrastinating all my work.....

22.  Do you want to have kids? How many?-not really, i would be the worst mother and i dont think i could deal with having a human being in my watch... i can hardly take care of myself.....

23.  Do you have piercings? How many?- i wanna... probably one or two... i dont wanna go over the top with them.

24.  What is/are/were your best subject(s)?- according to my grades..... physics and english!

25.  Do you miss anyone from your past?-... not really....

26.  What are you craving right now?-CHIPS

27.  Have you ever broken someone’s heart?- HA! as if....if someone would end up heartbroken it would be me...( maybe i did but i never knew... oh fuck)

28.  Have you ever been cheated on?-OK LETS MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR. im still kinda young (12+ tho) AND I HAVENT HAD A RELANTIONSHIP BEFORE, IM SO BORING AND LAME I KNOOOOOW.

29.  Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?-PLEASE REFER TO QUESTION 28...

30.  What’s irritating you right now?-everthing....

31.  Does somebody love you?-family and friends i guess.

32.  What is your favourite color?-  red and purple

33. Do you have trust issues?- no, literally i blindly trust everyone and everything I DONT KNOW WHY THO.

34.  Who/what was your last dream about?-mystery boy who just kissed me and i woke up.... wut

35.  Who was the last person you cried in front of?- if i remeber correctly.. a friend.

36.  Do you give out second chances too easily?-emphasis in “too” IM TOO NICE!!!

37.  Is it easier to forgive or forget?-DAMN THIS IS DEEP. ok too many mayus.... probably forgive... because, in the end, you will have a small memory of that thing... or at least i think so...

38.  Is this year the best year of your life?-march just beGAN... AND ITS GOING HORRIBLY ( jk, mayus are fun)

39.  How old were you when you had your first kiss?-what kiss?

40.  Have you ever walked outside completely naked?... only in a large blouse and underwear....

51.  Favourite food?-( JUST NOTICED THIS JUMPS FROM 40 TO 51 WHAT THE) chips.

52.  Do you believe everything happens for a reason?-Yes...what did i do for my life to be such a mess?!?!?

53.  What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?- trying to update a wattpad fanfic...

54.  Is cheating ever okay?-nooOOOO

55.  Are you mean?-im an asshole to myself.

56.  How many people have you fist fought?-nope.

57.  Do you believe in true love? i just... dont know....

58.  Favourite weather?- THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAYYYYYY ( too fucking tired of  that song tho...)

59.  Do you like the snow?-here in mexico we only have artificial snow... AND I HAVE BAD EXPERIENCES WITH IT.

60.  Do you wanna get married?- i guess it would be nice... if someone liked me enough to do so... ( it will never happen, im gonna die aloooone)

61.  Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?-they have... never done.... but still i dont like the idea of it....

62.  What makes you happy?- staying at home, without worries in the computer in social media doing noting productive and eating chips... exactly what i always do but WITHOUT WORRIES AND STRESS.

63.  Would you change your name?- yES, i hate my name so much.

64.  Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?-again... WHAT KISS?!?!

65.  Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?- i would try to keep a comfortable friendship if i dont like him back, but if the feeling are the same then yeAY.

66.  Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?-not really, only my female friends know my real self 100%.

67.  Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?- a classmate.

68.  Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?-idk, im not that much of “deep stuff” im so awkard when talking about that... so i just stick with dorkiness and such. ( also i cant legitimally remember who or what )

69.  Do you believe in soulmates?-Kinda...

70.  s there anyone you would die for?-i dont think sooo, im such a coward....

ANYWAY, again sorry for answering so late, and this didnt took as long as i expected to... ( bcs there were like 10 questions missing but lets ignore that)

so sorry if my answers are boring ans such but... thats meeeeee...

so bye

#ask #questions #sorry #such a mess #LONELY AF #AAHHHH #the screams came back #question #im so boring #whyyyyy