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sarcastically-defensive17 · 4 years

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OMG, so I had this idea like Luke x reader where they're not public but Cal, Ash and Mike don't like her (probably bc Luke has been hurt so many times) buuut they individualy come around bc they saw like some cute moments of reader being supportive, or taking care of Luke, or being total badass and like they come around and she meets Liz and Liz is like totally happy with how smitten Luke is and well they just have this fluffy moment Pretty please 👀

Perfect - L. Hemmings

Okay so, I was happy with this but then I didn’t know how to end it so IM SORRY IF IT IS BAD. THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT! ITS ALSO SHORT SO IM SORRY FOR THAT! IM NERVOUS TO POST BAHAHAHA

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

It was something out of the ordinary for Ashton, Calum and Michael to not give somebody a chance: so it infuriates Luke to not extent as they deliberately made efforts to avoid Y/N at all costs.

The three men were the kindest people he knew, so he couldn’t fathom why they chose to make his new girlfriend feel less welcome than she already did.

Y/N tried to ignore the cold shoulders she received, knowing it was their way of trying to protect Luke. His past few relationships had resulted in him getting hurt so badly that he was scared to give it another chance.

Until she came along.

It was hard, in his line of work to find somebody who didn’t want him for his fame or his money, but he practically struck gold when he met Y/N, who was so deep in her rock and roll love that she had never heard of a band from Australia named 5 Seconds of Summer.

It was quite a shock when, after a few dates, she found his almost decade long music career listen in black, white and every Colour of Michael Cliffords hair online.

They were now onto their fifth month of dating.

It took the a while to bring the guys around. Calum found comfort in his friends relationship when he witnessed Y/N going into complete nurse mode, and having so much patience while Luke experiences the dreaded man-flu.

He was always one for the drama.

Ashton got close to the woman when he visited Luke at his house during a long writing process. Everybody knew that when Luke was writing, he would go days without proper sleep and not take care of himself, so Ashton, ever the doting friend, intended to bring him coffee and food to make sure he was getting nutrition.

He didn’t expect to walk in on the two of them playing some of their old songs. He learned a lot about Y/N that day, including the fact that she can definitely keep up with him on the drums.

Michael was by far the hardest to bring around. He had been the one to set Luke up with his last girlfriend, who ultimately broke his heart after months of emotional manipulation, so he was hesitant about getting involved in any way with another relationship of Luke’s, out of pure guilt.

It took many stressful weeks and a very intense tournament of Super Smash Bros. but Y/N eventually earned both her victory and a boatload of respect from Michael Clifford. Although, that was built majorly after a tweet surfaced of Y/N defended both the band and Michael’s fiancé from hateful trolls under the guise as a fan. Her and Luke were keeping their relationship out of the public eye for now.

That proved she cared about Luke, but also about his friends. And she was a badass at video games.

The next person to meet, was the most terrifying for Y/N.

She stood by Luke’s side outside of the modestly sized house. The shutters curtains inside were drawn open, and from the outside she could see two people bustling about.

“You okay?” Luke’s blue eyes bored down at hers, concern creating a thick film over the icy colour.

She breathed in through her nose for a minute, breathing out a sigh and smoothing her hands over her black dress, “Just peachy,” her smile was tight and nervous. “Trying to make sure I don’t ruin my chances to get your parents to like me.”

Luke laughed loudly, and she shushed him immediately to increase the tune before they were to enter.

“You’re worries my parents won’t like you? They like everybody!”

“That’s what you said about the guy,” she mumbled, thinking back on the numerous times Luke had promised her the three would like her, and the amount of time she spent trying to win them over. “I’m just nervous, sorry.”

He laced his fingers with her, pressing a kiss to her knuckles, “I’ll be right by your side, my love.”

She flushed at his words, taking a deep breath and pressing her finger to the button. A bell chime sounded, and moments after an older blonde woman was pulling Luke into a hug and pressing kisses to his cheeks.

Y/N found herself smiling at the contact.

The blonde woman turned to her, a wide smile on her face that matched Luke’s. He got a lot of his looks from his mother, that was for sure.

“And you must be the girl who has my baby so smitten,” she pulled Y/N into a crushing hug. “He hardly shuts up about you. It’s so nice to finally put a person to the pictures he sent me!”

She flushed at the comment, shooting Luke a look over his mothers shoulder to which he flashed a cheeky grin.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs Hemmings,” Y/N matched the smile on the hemmings’ faces, feeling happiness wash off of the pair.

“Please, it’s Liz to you,” she pointed at the woman teasingly. “Come on, dinner is almost ready and Andy is fussing with the tellie.”

She was guided through the door by Liz, Luke being left to follow behind them. She was pulled over to an older man who had the same eyes as Luke.

He brightened up at the sight of his son and their guest, “Oh, somebody dragged the Giraffe in. And you must be Y/N.”

She was offered a hand to shake, and she completed a gesture with a smile at his comment about Luke.

“Nice to meet you,” she beamed.

Her nerves were building on the surface as they sat through dinner.

Liz couldn’t help but notice the glances her son would sneak at his beau, and her heart swelled at the sight of him so happy.

She told Luke to excuse himself to clean the dishes with his father, and after slight protest from the two men they conceded, leaving Y/N and Liz alone.

It was quiet for a beat, Y/N not knowing whether to start a conversation or wait for Liz to speak. The older woman made the decision for her.

“You make him so happy.”

Y/N raised her eyebrows, mouth dropping slightly at the emission, “Uh, I do? I mean-“

Liz chuckled placing a hand on her arm to calm the woman’s nerves.

“Honey, Luke doesn’t bring just anybody round to meet us. We’ve only met one of his girlfriends before you, so you must mean a lot to him,” she winked, her blonde hair falling onto her shoulders as she rubbed the woman’s arm.

“Really?” Y/N couldn’t believe the confession. Surely Luke had done this before, it doesn’t mean he values her anymore than he did the other girls.

“I’m serious, Y/N.” Her face holds a smile, but her eyes shout nothing but truth. “I can see it in the way he looks at you. I think my baby boy is in love,” she whispers the last bit, shooting a sly glance towards the kitchen where Luke is with Andy.

Y/N flushes and turns her gaze down to her hands on the table, “I can’t deny that I feel the same way about him.”

Liz erupts into a wide grin, pulling the woman into a hug before she has the chance to realize.

A throat clears in the entry to the dining room, and they turn to see the Hemmings men watching the scene with raised brows. They look so similar that it brings a lopsided smile to Y/n’s face.

“Everything alright?” Luke asks, leaning over to kiss Y/N’s forehead and take his seat next to her.

“Everything is fine, isn’t it, dear?” Liz smirks, watching the way the two hold each other close.

“Everything is just perfect,” Y/N rests her head on her lovers shoulder, smiling at the woman in the room.

#luke hemmings #5sos #ashton irwin #calum hood #michael clifford #luke hemmings x reader #5 seconds of summer #requested

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 5 years

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The Princess of the Prom (Teen Sam Drake x Reader)

A/N: This was offered to me as my friend's ( @xxgoldenhour) fantasy and I promised her, that this would be the sweetest shit she'll see. Also, you don't have to win prom's tiara to be the queen for me. And it doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl. You're the king or queen of your Prom night.

Also, take a note that this is a modern AU. Let's say that it happens today and that Samuel is aged around 19, so that makes Nate a fourteen-year-old boyo and that reader is around 18.

Description: Y/N and Sam were the best friends of high school, no denying in that. Even tho Samuel's Prom was actually amazing and fun, Y/N doesn't feel good about going on her own.

Mood for this one-shot: Night go slow by Carey Shaw, bcs the video is so good and she just got the vibe of being young, amused and in love.

It was all set up to be the best evening of her life. No. Not only the best but the best and the most perfect one. That was Samuel's first and last priority - set all up, prepare anything, get sure that there's a backup plan even if an asteroid hit the earth's ground - he managed to make everything she wanted just to make her feel as good as he could.

He told her anything she needed to know about the Prom just to make less nervous; there were those jackasses who brought vodka and tried to make punch an alcoholic drink, there were the couples who will make out the whole evening just to strangely disappear on the toilets together, but nobody pushed her to do any of that typical stuff.

This about her and her mates, who were alongside her the whole time. This was a celebration of them making such a huge step in their lives. He had his year ago, at the same high school and Y/N was there alongside him, and for him, it was the best evening of his life.

But as her prom was coming to play sooner and sooner, she was more and more nervous. He was practically woman's best bridesmaid because he got into preparations really hard and he didn't leave out anything. Her parents found it really sweet of him, but he always said that it's a sure thing for him to do all of that.

He even borrowed a nice black car from one of his friends' dad, planned the route to pick up all of her friends... You know, that boy was probably stressed about this far more than Y/N.

And the evening slowly came. It was a warm, spring-summer night with the vibe of the real summer slowly approaching. He came exactly on time, with a borrowed tuxedo in a protecting barrier put on his shoulder and with a cigarette in his mouth.

His brother was alongside him, drinking an ice tea in a cup bought in a nearby Taco Bell. Samuel didn't want to left him all alone at their place, so he asked Y/N's parents if he and Nate could stay overnight and they didn't seem to have a single problem with that since he was taking so much care about Y/N.

Y/N's brother Zachary was sitting in the armchair on the terrace and playing video games, so Samuel knew that if something, Nathan is not going to be alone. They weren't the best friends exactly, but they were pretty good pals.

As Samuel knocked on her door, she was already opening it. She looked as gorgeous as ever with a baseball team dres they bought together and in some shorts she wore only at home. Her other best friend, Crystal, was already there and helping her with the preparations; Y/N's hair had some curlers in as Crystal was trying to style her hair into a messy bun and she already had some makeup on; especially the highlight made her face look sharper and he liked how the little crystals in it reflected the light around.

Nathan liked her, she wasn't a person whom he held himself back in front of, so he fist-bumped her with a booming sound. “You look so weird,” Nathan laughed. Y/N rolled her eyes backward and grinned at Nate as she was turning back to lead them into her room.

“Well, you are definitely a ladies man, aren't you? I mean, you can make a girl feel so confident with one sentence,” she laughed as she bumped into him, tousling his hair. Nathan leaned from her as he grinned as well.

“I didn't mean that you don't look good, Y/N. I just haven't seen you wearing makeup or whatsoever, like I mean, nevee” Nathan turned his head to Sam with a wicked look. “But Sam seems to like it.” He added and then he said hi to Crystal.

She was sitting in front of a big mirror, braiding her hair into a really complex hairstyle. Crystal's eyes shined like stars when Samuel came to Y/N's room, slowly putting his tuxedo on Y/N's bed.

Everyone who wasn't blind knew, that Crystal had a thing for Samuel. And it wasn't a single thing. She was straightaway worshiping him like a fucking god. And even tho Y/N was the one whom Samuel could barely exist without, everyone thought that the right choice would be Crystal; she had the longest legs around, big smile full of the whitest teeth and she was blonde, one of the typical Plastic beach girls.

“Hey, Nate!” Crystal exclaimed in a thrilled and tone. “And hi, Sammy!” She yelled in a seriously high tone and practically jumped into Samuels' arms. Y/N and Sam grinned at each other. To be honest, everyone was expecting Sam to go there with Crystal and yet, he surprised everyone when he told them that he's going with Y/N actually. Crystal was hurt and jealous, yet she couldn't blame Y/N, because they were good friends since they met. Everyone left out a long sigh when Crystal accepted an invitation from a quarterback of the year, Terry Banks, with whom they went on the classes of Literature and Astronomy, where Y/N and Crystal ended up because Y/N loved the stars.

Sam let her go and gave Y/N a small bag.

“Oh, what could it be?” Y/N asked in an amused tone as she moved like a cat, dramatizing the whole situation even tho she knew that Sam gave her corsage.

“Can it be the gun which killed John Lennon?” Samuel furrowed as Y/N was about to continue.

“Or is it a bomb?”

“Or a weapon against vampires?”

“You're so silly!” Crystal shouted as she snatched the bag, taking the corsage out. It was truly beautiful, made out of lightly rosy roses and baby's breath and some small, wildly green leaves on an elegant black stripe of semis. And of course it matchet Samuel's boutonniere. “Its a corsage. And it's truly... Beautiful.” Crystal said with a tone of being hurt in her voice, giving Y/N the small box.

Y/N and Sam were all about that weird jokes, theatrics, and fun, just not taking anything too seriously. But a Crystal wasn't the brightest, per se, so she often ruined the magic of the moment.

“It is,” Y/N said quietly as she watched the small thing made from flowers, making them an official Prom couple. Samuel really spent a lot of money to make her evening nice, not like that Y/N's parents weren't paying anything, but the corsage was paid by him. “But you have to go now, we will be getting dressed.” Y/N left the small plastic box on her desk and nudged into his shoulder to make him leave. Sam just raised his hands as if he was showing that they are completely empty and left with an amused grin.

It took them forever. At least for him. He found himself a bathroom comfortable enough to dress into that tuxedo and even to make himself look like a human and even tho it took him at least twenty minutes, you two were nowhere to be seen. Crystal's laugh could be heard as Y/N said something utterly stupid, as always. He sat on the ground in front of her room, watching his wristwatch and playing with his hair, making it messy again.

The door opened all of a sudden as Y/N was turning her head to Crystal just to say something to her. Samuel was on his feet in a second, playing with his fingers as he watched her. She was beautiful. Breathtaking. He inhaled sharply and his cheeks got rosy as he tried to come it with something to say except 'You're the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen' and 'If we were thirty, I would ask you to marry me', but nothing came up, so he rather shut up and just watched her.

Her hair was really in a curly, loose bun and now, she had long earrings smoothing over her neck. Her dress were tight around her breasts and waist, without nothing on the shoulders, but nicely loosed from around her waist to her ankles. They had baby pink, almost beige colour and so she had brigtly beige high heels on.

She must felt him staring, because she looked at him with a blank expression, making him embarrassed. But she shut up and her smile slowly dissapeared as she watched how tightly the tuxedo hugs his shoulders. When they got that huge? Did he worked out without telling her? And the way the trousers hugged his thighs... She wasn't able to spoke up for about a minute.

"See something you like?" Samuel joked with his face still red and Y/N coughed into her palm to release at least a bit of the nervousness inside of her.

"You look... Utterly disgusting, Samuel." She said in an unsure tone and walked right next to him for something, so her parfume hit his nose. He almost collapsed on the spot. When did his best friend, that ugly monster, turned into a breathtaking woman? Why didn't he noticed that? He was glad that she normally didn't wore make up or girly things, otherwise he would have to compete for her attention with a lot of boys. And that was a thing he didn't like to think about liked in general.

Normally, she would wear a high ponytail and a loose baseball t-shirt with a name of some series, band or a movie reference. She was feminine, but in her own way. Not that princess one, she was feminine in a shy, almost uncatchable one. But Crystal was that Barbie feminine type.

She had long, tight, dark blue gown and she was smiling at him, thinking about things she couldn't say out loud. But Samuel was the center of many of them.

Then he put her the corsage and she put a small rose in the pocket on his breast. She looked at him with their typical grin and almost said something about them being so official that they could marry or something, but she didn't say a word.

Her parents took at least three millions photos of them and another three of them with Crystal and then, only them, they were ready to leave. Y/N mum waved at them from the terrace as they were leaving and Y/N with Crystal waved her back.

Samuel drove slow, because he was worried about that beautiful car which weren't his and they picked up another two classmates - Terry and one of his football friends. They were really loud and Crystal laughed at some remark they had.

"Wow, Bryan, look at Y/N!" Terry exclaimed in an excited tone and Samuel hid a smile into his palm. Y/N smiled as she rotated her eyes in her own manner, laughing nervously.

"Y/N," Bryan took her shoulder in his palm and made her look at him. "I never knew that you are a woman. Samuel, you are a one lucky guy, I tell you. Don't let her off your sight, otherwise it's not my fault." He said and Samuel didn't smiled at it, even tho he normally would. He was dead serious at that moment, watching the read.

"Man, don't be like that!" Bryan yelled, laughing. "I was just joking." He smoothed her shoulder and she started laughing as well, which made Sam smile. They stopped on the school parking lot in about ten minutes. Samuel let everyone get off, Terry taking Crystal inside and Bryan waving at his girlfriend Chelsea. Only Y/N and Sam left there, and she was playing with one of the roses on the corsage Sam gave her. She wasn't feeling like it and he would sense if clearly.

"Alright, miss Grumpy, what's the matter?" Samuel leaned into her personal space, letting his elbow lock around her seat.

"I don't feel comfortable. And I might vomit in a minute." She laughed in a sad manner and Samuel looked at how everyone was slowly walking into that building. If she doesn't want to go, then he'll not push her. He can ride them back to her home, watch some movies with her and then sleep on the couch like many times before. If would not be anything new. He liked those evenings a lot, he didn't see any problem with that.

"Well, if you are about to vomit... Don't do it in the car, please, Davie's dad would murder me," he said and that made her laugh again. Samuel loved, when he could make Y/N laugh, because it was so sincere every time. It was sweet and it made him happy as well.

"Oh, that would ease my life so much," she said in a provocative tone and that made him laugh again. And she laughed as well.

"So you don't wanna go, huh?" He smiled and undid his seatbelt, relaxing on the seat itself.

"So I don't wanna go." Y/N repeated mockingly.

"Then tell me, what do you want to do or where to go. Back home?" Samuel asked quietly as if Samuel called her a psycho.

"No! You think that I dress like Crystal just to watch Friends like this?" She yelled with a smile as she wasn't fully serious. "You are an actual moron!" She undid her seatbelt with a wicked smile. And she got off the car, walking away from the school. Samuel locked the car quickly and runned after her, walking next to her backwards.

"Hi there, monster," he cried and cringe-laughed, when she hit his shoulder roughly as she was making her mad face with her little cheeks pumped with air. He was totally unbelievable, but even though he was a lovely little dork. Samuel was taller than her and even tho, Y/N called him small. "Alright, alright," Sam coughed into his palm as he couldn't stop laughing. "Where are we going?"

"I dunno where are you going, dickhead, but there a Taco Bell restaurant just a five minutes from here. I'm going to eat everything there." Y/N rose her eyebrows and Samuel laughed loudly.

"So you can't watch Friends in your prom dresses because they're too good for that, but they are suitable enough for ravaging Taco Bell?" Sam looked at her from his height and she had face of a serial killer. "You should really sort out your values and priorities." He laughed and that earned him another punch to the shoulder.

So Taco Bell was the place where they ended up in. She got some Quesadillas with chicken and cheese, some chocolate sweets and a cup of tea. Sam, who was paying, of course, got himself a burrito and Coke. They sat there for two hours, talking, laughing, topping each other with puns and jokes. They left around nine in the evening, the sun was just setting low and it made her dress look seriously fairy-taily like. He kept his eyes on her all the time. Just as Bryan told him.

"Where we'll go now?" Sam stretched, but she already going to somewhere. So he only followed.

They ended up in a nearby skatepark - and some girls around sixteen tried Y/N teach, how to skate, even borrowed her their shoes, but she was a lost one. He took so much photos and videos of her, a lot of them ending with him cracking up, laughing. She was terrible, but she didn't fall once, which was great. When they were leaving at ten pm, she didn't even put her heels on, she just walked next to him bare, jumping on and off the pavements, walking through the ice cold grass, sometimes holding his hand not to fall.

"So, how's your prom going?" He asked when they were walking down from the aisle from some trees with white flowers on them.

"Oh, it's great," she smiled at him. "I'm dancing, yelling my lungs out, laughing... I'm kidding," she smiled, jumping on another pavement. "I'm glad that I've spended this evening with you." She smiled shyly and sun was shining low in a lightly orange light so Samuel stopped her.

"Go in the middle of the road." Sam asked her and she was confused, but she did it. Samuel took a few photos of her in the sunlight and one of them immediately became his wallpaper. Then she took a few photos of him an some selfies were a necessary thing. The photos were lovely.

They walked almost through the entire city, nobody hurried up anywhere. It started to get cold by the midnight, so Sam covered her in his suit, lightly touching her fingers with his. She was icy cold.

"Oh dear!" He exclaimed and laughed, bringing her hand to his lips, warming it with the air from his lungs. She was looking her in the eyes the whole time. "You haven't told me that you're Elsa. Not yet," Samuel made a remark about her hand and she shook her head.

"And you haven't told me that you're colourblind," she rolled her eyes, slapping his shoulder. "Elsa is blue. I am almost pink. You dork." She slapped it again and left her hand there, which made the difference. Y/N leaned her head to Samuel's shoulder and left it there for a while, smelling his cologne. And she felt his lips in her hair all of a sudden.

"Samuel?" She asked and looked up. "What are you doing?" She said in disbelief, slowly looking at him. She didn't know what to say or how the fuck she should feel; she should be scared or disgusted? She should be glad? Should she just looked over it? Or what the fuck were his intentions?

"What are you talking about?" Samuel smoothed her forehead with his palm and slowly continued down to her jaw, she continued as far as she let him. And Y/N haven't moved an inch. He felt that she felt good doing that. Her eyes were smiling even tho her face was pale in pure disbelief.

What the fuck should he do? What was he supposed to do? Should he just kiss her or lean back and let her be? Should he tell her about his feelings? About those which he discovered five seconds ago? About the urge to kiss her and make her his by that act? He was confused and taken back.

Y/N was his best friend for years now and he never made anything like that, nor even though about it. Maybe the dress caused it, because it made her look seriously hot.

"I-I mean, if, I, oh, I, can you forget what happened?" Samuel stepped away and awkwardly walked from her. And that made her angry; once he looked like he hasn't seen anything as beautiful as her, and the next he chickened out like a little girl. She started to laugh and that made Samuel stop.

"Why-why are you laughing?" He asked annoyed, but Y/N continued to laugh even more after that.

"I am sincerely sorry. You always told me that you are a womanizer, no, no, no, don't you turn away from me, Samuel, the funny part is coming, but when you get the chance to kiss the girl you actually like and care about, you can't move for shit." Y/N burst out again and that made something in him click completely. In a second, her lips crush onto his and her palmed bumped into his shoulder, because he scared her so much. Samuel's hands clumsily held her waist and smoothing it in a non-ofensive manner; not too up because of her breasts and not too down, because of her ass.

Y/N calmed down after a minute, closed her eyes and leaned into him, circling her hands around his neck. Well, she could feel that she definitely isn't his first kiss, but that was the best part. She found his slicked, but messy hair and played with it gently.

They would probably stood there until the morning, but a car's horn made them jump off the road.

"Alright, cowboy," Y/N smiled and took his hands in hers gently. She touched him feather-like, so gently and lightly. "That was a pretty good first kiss."

"First?" He asked playfully, and that compliment made him smile. "So that doesn't mean it was our last one?" He bumped into her hips with his and she almost fell down; she would fall if Sam wasn't holding her hand so firmly. It didn't hurt, but it was firm.

"No, I don't think it was the last one," she furrowed her eyebrows at him like she was thinking about something. "But this," she pointed at him and then she pointed on her torso. "Will upset some people. You prommed last year, you're like my grandad practically." She laughed into Sam's direction.

"Yeah, I am a gross pedophile, that's right." Sam agreed and slowly took her to their car and they drove right to her home.

It was two am when Y/N was about to go to her bed, her hair let down on her shoulders and her make-up was far gone. Samuel left her room few minutes ago and even tho he called her a monster, his eyes were loving and smiling at her. A notification on her phone popped all of a sudden.

She cracked the knuckles on her palms and looked at the phone. It was her Instagram - Sam posted something and tagged her in. She knew that it is going to be that video where she almost fell off that damned skateboard. Even though that humiliation which was waiting for her, she opened the notification.

And she just stayed completely silent with her cheeks burning, watching her face on the display, she was smiling and she was holding his palm as if she was leading him somewhere. And the caption almost made her cry. There was that day's date and a cute little text.

@allaboutthatdrake: After a few years of waiting, it finally happened! Don't let the friend-zone ruin you, because it doesn't exist. 😉

And that was it. They officially started dating. And her prom night was the best night she ever had.

#uncharted #samuel drake #naughty dog #sam drake #young sam #young samuel drake #requested work #this is lovely #enjoyed to write it #prom #prom night #don't worry #you'll win my heart anyways

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thatshighlyoffensive · 6 years

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THAT’S HIGHLY OFFENSIVE: THE SAG AWARDS 2018

So much pink! So many sparkles! it was actually pretty hard for me to be offended by this year’s SAG awards, but don’t worry- there were plenty of people who wanted to make it easy on me... Let the skewering begin!

Danielle Brooks- I think if her hair had been left wild and naturally beautiful, this would have been my favorite look of the night. Her dress is amazing! She looks like a badass, villainous ruby slipper! Or the glam version of the villain in Never-ending Story part 2. I love alllllll of it.

Chrissy Metz- i know it’s not gonna be cool for me to say this, but… let’s kill her off This Is Us so she’s free to star in my new Lifetime Fiction Made for TV Movie, “Violet Beauregarde: After the Gum, Before the Juicing.”

Giuliana Rancid- First things first: She looks like the child of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jay Gatsby and the blonde vulture from the cartoon “Jungle Book.” I’m gonna be honest- I’m having a hard time coming up with new or interesting ways to call her an ungodly shade of orange or the Queen of the Antz. Because while she will always remain those things, she’s constantly finding new ways to offend me and the rest of America by being the most obtuse yet anorexic hymenoptera on the red carpet.

Abbie Cornish- Modeling the newest addition to the Elle Fanning & American Girl collaboration with Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Allison Williams: Some college sophomore who became anorexic in preparation for her Chicago audition.

Sterling K. Brown’s wife (who they keep trying to pretend/cram down our throats is an actress): You’re at the Spelling Bee and your word is DOILY.

Alison Brie: While I’m not obsessed with it, I love how her dress coordinates with her show. It’s fun, it’s eighties, it’s GLOWing.

Niecey Nash- No one cares, except me, but you stole my costume from when I played the Charo originated role of Frog Momma in “The Swan Princess.”

Halle Berry: I kind of love everything about this. It’s pink and berry and sparkly and has black tulle, so LOVE. But i cannot and will not with that My Little Pony Tail. You’re better than that, Halle. Shave that shit off like you did after David Justice!

Laurie Metcalf: If Angelina Jolie had worn this, my head would have exploded. You’re borderline just as devastating bc i LOVE YOU. Well played, sir.

Mary j Blige is clearly on her way to a ballet themed MET Gala dressed in Kmart’s Black Swan collection…

Only Taryn Manning would put a white, ankle strapped, Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls heel with an elegant, black, Audrey Hepburn-esque dress. Because ALL HER CHARACTERS.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a beautiful emerald earring. But when did she get that gap in her teeth?? @jenniferhintonmarion

Saiorse Ronan- If not for the bolo tie wrapped around your waist, i’d say you are a delightful version of Audrey’s character in Funny Face guest starring in a Moondreamers Valentine’s Day special.

Tracee Ellis Ross- At first I thought this was pants. I wasn’t going to like it then and I’m sad to say I shan’t be liking it any more upon realizing it’s a dress. It does nothing for her body and those shoes resemble something Angela Sephton purchased from Gadzooks circa 2004. Maybe if you get your pay raise, you can afford more attractive clothing.

Kate Hudson- The first time i saw this mess, i said to my friend @loganyost “It’s like Samantha the Victorian American Girl doll raped a care bear.” And I stand by that. #whattheactalfuck

Lupita Nyongo- On TV, that dress is PERFECTION. In photos though, it kind of resembles a silver tooth that’s gathered some Oreo around the gum line…

i didn’t think anyone could be as boring as Alexis Bledel at the Golden Globes (or in any role she’s ever played)… Olivia Munn has proven me wrong. #snooze

Brie Larson matched her eyeshadow to her dress. I love all the colors, but I do not love all the things.

Greta Gerwig: i freaking love everything about this. The color (which is giving me major Nicole Kidman in Dior circa 1997 vibes), the shape, the way she looks in the shape, the makeup that works with it all… LOVE.

Why is Molly Sims at the SAG awards? And why is she dressed as a saloon stripper named Cerulean Sarsaparilla???

Nicole Kidman- This is what you look like with the flu?!?!?!?!? i die. This looks like a chic, ruby-encrusted trash bag with a SJP shoulder flower and i love all of it.

Allison Janney came dressed as a SAG statue tonight, manifesting a win. And it worked. And I couldn’t be happier. Her performance in “I, Tonya” made started my year off RIGHT.

Susan Sarandon’s dress is what i want to own in every single color and fabric and have it be the only thing i ever wear to awards shows. And the sunglasses? Does she think she’s actually Bette Davis? I’m fine with it.

Did all the females in the ‘This Is Us’ cast decide to dress in the same shade of blueberry for a reason? Did they think this was the blue version of all black everyone pulled at the Golden Globes? That being said, I definitely think Mandy Moore takes the prize for Best Use of Cobalt, 2018.

Aside from the cheap looking hem on Margot Robbie’s dress, this may be my favorite look of the night. She looks like an Ice Capades Barbie at the black tie gala on the eve of her big skate and i love allll of it.

Dakota fanning ALSO looks like a Barbie, but the #myfirstbarbie version.

Marisa Tomei- Perfection, as always. The ultimate modern bombshell. Pink. Glitter. Yes.

Kristen Bell: Great job as the hostess of the evening. HOWEVER, on the red carpet, she just reminded me to pick up medication for my next UTI.

Holly Hunter: Why am I so obsessed with this? Is it because you are one of my favorite actresses of all time AND you happen to play a fellow ECU alum in your last amazing film, The Big Sick? Is it because there are pockets? I guess we’ll never know.

Connie Britton: Although I cannot forgive your latest role as a 911 operator (even if it is in a Ryan Murphy show), I am obviously obsessed with your pink, sparkly dress! It doesn’t fit even remotely like a dream, but i repeat: PINK AND SPARKLY. If your hair was blonde, the dress actually fit and you had red star earrings with a holographic fairy godmother on the other end, you’d be Jem.

Mary Steenburgen’s dress? Great. The color, the fit, it’s all working. I cannot, however, condone that HAIR! It’s like the brunette Deborah Rush spontaneously cut bangs so she could replace Jeri Blank in the Flatpoint High production of Chicago.

Omg Laura Linney- You look like some sort of beautiful pink bird in a cage in Barbie’s dream house. C’est magnifique.

ALRIGHT Y’ALL... I’D WRITE MORE, BUT FRANKLY, I’VE BEEN DRINKING WINE ALL DAMN DAY AND IT’S TIME TO GO THE PINK SATIN TO BED. LOVE YOU AND THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING!

#screen actors guild awards #sag awards #sagawards #sag #fashionpolice #eonline #giulianarancic #kristenbell #bullying #thatshighlyoffensive #shamblesinc #shambles #celebrities #redcarpet

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shakespesre · 7 years

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things i did not like about beauty and the beast (2017)

oh man am i in the minority in this situation (also this list is comically long) spoilers, obviously

honestly

most of it

during the opening sequence with the enchantress as she was narrating the prince’s actions didn’t match with what she was saying (like he didn’t dismiss her again or beg forgiveness even though the enchantress is saying he did) details like that irk me

also the whole “guys who wear makeup are somehow morally destitute” trope needs to die

the staging of belle made the town feel like its a half an acre big which made for some awful blocking

it just looked really repetitive in terms of staging like there was nowhere to go because the set wasn’t big enough

belle talking to the minister about the books was short and dispassionate

emma watson can’t sing to save her life

the little robot following her around fixing her voice the entire movie should be paid good money

ok i get that making belle the inventor is supposed to be “empowering” but it goes nowhere??

the hill she runs up during the belle reprise is cgi af and it doesn’t feel right??

honestly you couldn’t have found an actual hill

also the fact that maurice being captured was happening concurrently w the number and the sky being all dark made the wonder and longing of it all weaker

i know it’s in the original fairy tale but honestly why did they bring back the rose stealing as the inciting incident for the beast to punish maurice

it makes very little sense

especially given that maurice took A Rose from what he assumed was an abandoned castle

how did maurice get back to the village? like we see at the end that belle has the horse

BIG ONE RIGHT HERE

why did lumiere and cogsworth show belle to her room instead of the beast???

why would you cut the first interactions between your main characters that actually establishes a connection between them?!!?

the west wing loses some of its gravitas bc of this too

and like????? the beast never even considered that belle would be the one to break the spell?????? WHY NOT????? DUDE???????? YOU MORON even the original beast considered that!!! he’s actually lampshading you all the way back from 1991

but the “this way to the east wing. or as i like to call it the Only Wing!” line was funny i laughed at that

audra mcdonald deserved more to do and to sing

mrs potts looked creepy As Fuck

idk the “come down to dinner” scene was played kind of seriously this time and i get why but i think cutting to inside the room changes the dynamic a bit like in the original you never even see belle and she holds all the power but this is a nitpick

why did they cut to black after be our guest??? did the editor lose a bet or something??

gaston was a fun number but the cuts were absolutely nonsensical

you could barely get a feel for the space it took up

they don’t cut to any kind of demonstration of gaston using “antlers in all of his DECoratING” which kind of tells you all you need to know about how bad this movie was at visual storytelling

so many composers and lyricists write music to visuals and there aren’t sufficient visuals to bolster the gaston number

and it felt kind of overcrowded? maybe that one’s just me

the plot just seriously drags

the fact that we spent so much time with kevin kline and gaston out “searching” for belle kind of slowed the movie down a lot

as did the whole “attempted murder” thing

so gaston blows up and tells maurice he’s only helping look for belle bc he wants to marry her

and maurice is like “my daughter is never gonna marry someone like you you’re an asshole!!”

and then gaston punches him in the face and leaves him to die in the woods tied to a tree

and then this miserly old beggar lady comes and saves him and has him accuse gaston of attempted murder

the entire thing is completely unnecessary

back to the enchanted castle

was it just me or did belle not even get that close to the rose? like the animated belle took the case off and was literally about to touch the actual plant and in this one she like brushed the table with her hand

the wolf scene was fine

they lifted the dialogue from the patch up scene directly from the 1991 film except without any of the energy or emotion

also the prince’s backstory is like?? really thin???

the fact that it was literally just inserted into the plot so he and belle could have a “dead moms” connection is so flimsy

they take this random subplot and roll with it instead of actually taking more time to develop belle and the beast as romantic interests

ANOTHER PROBLEM

ok so like the beast was somehow really hurt by the wolf attack right?

so he kind of drifts in and out of sleep for a while and one time he wakes up and belle is reading to him

AND THEN OHHHH AND THEN

HE MANSPLAINS ROMEO AND JULIET TO HER

AND HE GIVES HER THE LIBRARY BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT ANYTHING IN THERE IS BETTER THAN WHAT SHE LIKES

COME ON

WHAT THE FUCK

THATS SO CONDESCENDING

WAY TO UNDERMINE A SWEET MOMENT THAT SHOWS EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN YOUR TWO ROMANTIC LEADS

the new song days in the sun is pretty but combining the servants desires with belle’s make for some conflicting messages

they actually sing something there?

like move their mouths sing

this is another nitpick but like i always thought something there was their internal monologue and it feels weird to see them actually sing them idk

THE BOOK

OOOOOHHHHH THE BOOK

belle and the beast are talking and he’s like “LETS RUN AWAY TOGETHER!!!”

what

ok movie i’ll bite where are we running away to

so the enchantress for some damn reason decides to give the beast a magic book that can take him anywhere he wishes to go

why??? who knows????? certainly not the movie!!!

and he’s like to belle “think of where ever you want to go and we’ll go there just 4 u!!!!!” despite the fact that he literally just said that the world wouldn’t accept him as a beast

so they go to this little house in a Goddamn windmill on the outskirts of bohemian paris

it’s cramped and dark and drenched in a blue filter so you can’t actually see anything

and it’s this useless detour about how belle’s mom died

and it connects to nothing it’s not a plot twist or some big reveal it’s just that she died of the plague

there wasn’t even any emotional backing to it because belle didn’t know anything about her mother because maurice never told her

like if belle had thought maurice just walked out on her mother and resented him for it this twist would have some emotional significance

but that’s not the case

the ballroom scene looks really awkward

like the beast looks especially computer generated here and that doesn’t help the fact that emma watson expresses almost nothing during the entire dance

the whole “you must go to him” scene goes way too fucking fast and there’s no time for the emotions of that scene to actually breathe and release

she rides off in the (ugly) yellow dress which is another nitpick but looks weird

WHY IS SHE IN SUCH A RUSH YOU COULD JUST USE THE BOOK

evermore grinds the momentum of the narrative to a fucking halt

and i swear to god if this wins an oscar for best song while how far i’ll go lost i will dissolve the entire academy of motion picture arts and sciences myself

just love yourself and listen to if i can’t love her it’s honestly a much better song

the part where gaston is hyping up the crowd to go kill the beast progresses in a similar way to the “you must go to him” scene

gaston decides that the beast is a threat to them before he realizes belle has feelings for him which again undercuts the original emotion of the scene

the gaston vs the beast fight feels a whole lot less personal

in such a way that gaston is a good 40 feet from belle and the beast when he shoots him

there is no intimacy no emotion in how gaston mortally wounds the beast because he’s literally a Chasm away from them

the beast yelling "I AM NOT A BEAST" to gaston was the hammiest thing in the movie

they just really hate subtext don't they

AND ANOTHER THING

HOOOOOHHH BOY

the enchantress is the old lady who helped maurice when he was left to die in the woods

and yes she’s still dicking around in the forest for???? some reason?????

the beast dies

straight up dies

and the servants have this tragic goodbye sequence where they all turn inanimate it’s the most emotional scene in the film

belle’s love didn’t save them

she doesn’t say “i love you” and the last petal of the rose falls and they all either die/become inanimate

THE ENCHANTRESS JUST COMES IN AND FIXES EVERYTHING?????

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES?

THAT MAKES THE ROSE TIMELINE COMPLETELY SUPERFLUOUS

THE ENCHANTRESS HAS BEEN IN!! THE!! VILLAGE!! THE ENTIRETY OF THE CURSE

SHE COULD CHANGE HIM BACK WHENEVER SHE WANTED

in the original there was this finality to it and this hopelessness of being cursed by magic that isn’t understandable but permanent and that there is only One Way To Break It

the fact that the enchantress is the one to break the spell and not The Power Of Love undercuts the entire intended parable of the original fairy tale, animated movie, and WHAT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE WAS SAYING

also the fact that she’s there makes the entire transformation less intimate???

like there’s this third old woman creeping up in the background watching them when belle and the beast are supposed to be at the height of their emotional connection

also the transformation itself was kind of hard to follow visually like i don’t even think there was a clear shot of his face

the growl wasn’t hot

i didn’t even notice it when i saw it in the theatre

you all need to get laid

why didn’t they just let audra fucking mcdonald sing the final end version of beauty and the beast

also the actual timeline the movie took place over was strange?

someone can clarify this with me if they want i’m genuinely curious

the prince when he’s cursed is played by dan stevens so like it couldn’t have been more than? five years that he was a beast?

and then when the plot with belle starts, the opening number happens, maurice leaving, belle rejecting gaston, the belle reprise, maurice’s wolf chase scene, the prisoner switch, and the gaston number all seem to take place within a 48 hour timespan

^^^ this is all pretty much the same for the animated movie there’s no problem with that

be our guest and all new added numbers (along with the come down to dinner scene and belle’s wolf chase scene) all happen sometime around here too

but my issue is at the end of gaston where maurice asks if someone would help him look for belle

generously, the time spent searching for her is a day

then maurice is left to die in the woods and is rescued by agatha

he couldn’t have been out there more than two days without dying of dehydration

then, at most, five days from the opening belle sequence, maurice accuses gaston of murder and is about to be locked in an insane asylum when belle rides back to save him

if you’re following correctly, this gave belle and the beast a maximum of four and a half days to fall in love with one another

what?????

i know in the original there’s the whole issue of maurice out in the woods searching for belle but that was addressed by the directors and producers as an oversight and they meant to show that belle was in the castle for at least autumn through winter

so the remake’s timeline is completely unrealistic and goddamnit movie

like at VERY MOST the main plot takes place over six days

TL;DR

most of my issues were story problems, they changed fundamentally so little from the original animated movie and what they did change dragged the plot along or straight up undercut what the narrative was actually trying to impart

the rest of the bullets were either self-described nitpick and trying to work out the timeline

to be clear it’s not wrong for you to like the movie go see it again another three times

this list is for humor

and i didn’t comment at all on le fou for one thing because i was neutral on him but also because it’s not my place to say whether this is good rep or not

#feel free to talk to me abt some of these #just dont be rude i am v tired #beauty and the beast #beauty and the beast 2017 #batb #disney

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