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extremelyblackandwhite · 3 years

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heiress - 5

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

a/n: more parallels between wanda and reader plus hayward being a bitch to reader. also pierce did not die during the winter soldier events in this universe. at this point this is called wanda and y/n collectively grieving over her how shitty their lives are.

previous chapter

The young woman held a small gun in her left hand, shooting the target at least 10 metres away from her with a mechanical precision, switching it to her right hand and achieving the same type of perfection and precision not even senior agents had. Yet, there she was, one of the newest SWORD recruits. Many people had opposed for her to join SWORD straight after escaping from HYDRA and the Red Room; however, Tyler Hayward had forced for her to become a new recruit. “Having Alexander Pierce’s daughter in our team will be an asset” he said and it somehow convinced all of SWORDs panel to take her in. She had nowhere to go after all, the Red Room will be after her in no time and she had no way to defend herself alone and so SWORD was her only option. An option she thrived under, being much more advanced than any junior recruit yet it was a far cry from what she wanted. She didn’t want to be an agent but that’s what she was, what she had been trained to do.

The trainer slowly blinked walking up to her and giving her a congratulatory pat on the shoulder which everyone could sense was filled of jealousy. She was thrown to the back of the line with someone else who also inspired jealousy in most recruits. Monica Rambeau, daughter of Maria Rambeau, the current SWORD director. They had never spoken too much other than orientation day where they introduced each other by their agent number.

- That was the coolest thing I’ve seen today. - she hide a childish smile as the next recruit started his training. - I’m Monica.

- Y/N. - she smiled and shook her hand. - Is it always like this?

- Most of time yeah. The trainers are dicks about it when you’re better than them.

- Men. - Y/N rolled her eyes, getting an understanding nod from Monica.

- Excuse me? - Tyler Hayward entered the trainee room, always dressed in a polished suit as if that would be of any worth in a fighting situation. - I’m sorry for disturbing but I need Ms. Y/N Pierce to accompany me.

Y/N Pierce. She always hated that name, even more than her code name. The mere thought that she had that last name, the name of one of the leaders of SHIELD was almost like a cruel curse on her. Everyone seemed to think of him as this all around saint yet she knew better; after all, if he had no reservations about submitting his daughter as a project and asset then he would have no reservation in hurting anyone else. SWORD had done their best to keep her existence a secret, not really allowing the connection to pass through but she knew he was looking for her and if he wasn’t the Red Room and HYDRA definitely were.

She shared a confused look with Monica before stepping towards Hayward who led her away from the room and into the hall. He didn’t stop to explain to her why she had been summoned, instead he just kept on walking and she took the lead to follow him, entering a blackened window filled hall. They stopped in front of a window which gave way into an autopsy scene. Y/N was used to seeing death, some would say she was born surrounding it; however, she was not prepared to see what was being shown to her. It was almost as if she were sleeping, her mother. Laid across the metal table with various doctors surrounding her, the HYDRA symbol branded onto her foot. She looked over to the side, hand over her mouth as she felt sick just to see it.

- Our intelligence believes HYDRA is trying to send a message and we don’t believe they won’t stop anytime soon.

- Was it fast? Did she suffer?

- Gunshot to the head. Quite merciful, really.

- Why are you showing me this?

- Well, HYDRA experimented on you but there is the possibility your “enhancements” might be genetic.

- What is that supposed to mean? Why did you really brought me here, Hayward?

- We need the next of kin’s permission to perform an autopsy and it seems that would be you, following your mother’s will.

- No. - she stepped back. - You’re not gonna tear my mother apart for a stupid hypothesis. No. You don’t have my permission

- We’re being kind enough to hide you from your father for no specific reason. You either accept it or we’ll be forced to hand you to SHIELD.

The night air was crisp and sharp as he sat on the swing next to hers. She hadn’t changed much other than her hair which was much longer but her face was still unblemished by the tragic unkindness of the world. After all it had been about 5 years since he last saw her and he hated the fact he had forgotten her. Somewhere, deep within himself he knew her mark was still there; he could still hear her voice in his dreams but he always chucked it to his mind crumbling under the pressure it had been under for so many years. Nevertheless, he had heard her voice plenty times, specially in Bucharest. It had haunted him from nights and nights on end; “Promise?” “Yes”, turns out it wasn’t someone he had killed but someone he had forgotten. Her of all people. It had come back all to him after that woman gave him the file. Her name alone, her lips telling him her name. He remember telling himself he would not forget him as they prepared him to go back in the blender and he did. He forgot about her but looking at her everything came back to him; the good and the bad. But the most of it was he remembered loving her, he still did, a feeling that had been dormant for a long while and suddenly awoke in him. Of course Bucky did not expect her to love him back, he didn’t blame her either. She was a good kid, too good even.

- Uhm ... are you enjoying it here? - she motioned her hands abstractly. - In the hex, I mean.

- It’s better than in hideouts with Sam and Sharon. - he chuckled dryly, looking up at the transparent yet red tinted dome. - I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. Sam is great, despite everything and Sharon ... Sharon has helped me so much, I owe her that.

- Oh ... - her heart dropped to her stomach as an ugly feeling took over her. Sure, Wanda would say it’s jealousy but she refused to admit it.

- What about you? I never really asked what you did after ... you know, IT.

- You can say the name. - she smiled at him yet it was voidless of any emotion, as if she were used to people tip toeing around the subject which they always did. - I became a junior recruit for SWORD until the blip then ... I was gone for a while but it didn’t hurt. It was almost like I was finally at peace and then I woke up and Hayward was director. He sent me and Monica to investigate the hex Wanda created, mostly to keep his own project a bay. Then we all ran off, got classified as fugitives. The rest is really not important.

- I don’t really think I need to tell you what I’ve been up to.

- You don’t ... most of it it’s my fault, anyway. - she got up from the swing once she noticed a purple light a few miles away from the limits of the hex. The back of her eyes started growing instinctively white. Bucky got up as he recognised her fighting stance, a hand safely placed upon her shoulder. - Go grab Wanda.

- Y/N ...

- Go grab her, now. - she stood there watching the purple light almost call out for her. Bucky chose to do what she said, the white mist involving around her fingers as she stepped towards the hex, fingers barely touching the wall.

Bucky rushed inside the building, hoping to reach Wanda before Y/N could do anything irrational. However, before he could find the newly named Scarlet Witch, she found him with one of her twins behind her waist. Her eyes were glowing red, almost similar to those Y/N had except those eyes looked desperate, worried even.

- Where is she? - she asked him with an ice like directness. - Where is she, Barnes?

- Outside. She told me to come get you.

Wanda rushed past him with a speed that he had never seen before and he only followed after her. The two stepped outside the building, towards the swing tree where Bucky had left Y/N, except, she wasn’t there anymore. No, he couldn’t lose her. Not again. Vision came after the two followed by Yelena and Monica who had been awakened by the twins; however, Wanda did not need their help. She approached the hex, just missing the purple glow as it entered the woods. Bucky tried to step up but Vision pushed him back.

- Y/N? - Wanda broke through the hex, shutting Bucky out as well as Vision. It was night time, dark and cold surrounded by the woods of the place they had chosen to hide from the world. Breaking dawn was so far away and even the tallest individual would’ve melted into the dark night. - Y/N!

- Are we not going to help them? - Bucky questioned back inside the hex, probably the most awake apart from the synthezoid and the former Red Room graduate.

- It’s a witch thing. - Yelena smirked before springing into action. - We should activate the hex’s protective system in case something happens.

- What about them? - Bucky once again interrupted, not receiving particularly kind looks from Yelena.

- They’ll be fine, Mr. Barnes.

Y/N on the other hand walked further into the confused and dark woods, holding her small trusted silver revolver which reflected the moon light onto its surface; yet most of the light came from behind her coloured eyes. She did not know exactly why they did that, it was almost as if they light up whenever she felt threatened. Whatever it was, it was there inside of her. She, of course, knew it was Agatha lingering around; however, she never got dangerously close to the hex. It was an unspoken truth between the witch and Wanda Maximoff yet there she was.

- God, dear, I thought I’d have to break into the hex to get to you. - Agatha showed up from the darkness, dressed in her typical black and purple palette as if she were royalty. - So, how are you deary? Still playing Queen Elsa? Is that fun for you?

- You’re trespassing.

- Come on, is that how you thank me for giving you Bucky Barnes on a platter? What else do you need to thank me? A love spell?

- Go away, Agatha. What do you want?

- I am trying to help you, just like I helped Wanda. I mean how old are you, sweetheart? Old enough for HYDRA and SWORD to realise you can do much more than just magic tricks. Making a whole room objects disappear? Now that, that was impressive. If I knew you were gonna do that, I would’ve brought Barnes into your life much much sooner. - she crossed her arms. - I think you and I are very similar. Much more similar than Maximoff to be completely honest. Where were the avengers when your father handed you over to a terrorist organisation? Constantly overlooked, underestimated, seen as nothing but your father’s daughter. I understand, Y/N and I can help you if you let me help you.

- I ... - she faltered her response, slightly lowering down her gun. - You can really help me?

- I know more about magic than everyone else, Y/N. I can train you, I can help you more than SWORD or Wanda Maximoff will ever help. I can even give you what you want the most. Barnes, a regular family, everything but a SHIELD recruit. A regular citizen and all I want is for you to give me my regular family.

- I can’t help you, Agatha.

- I don’t mean to cause any harm, Y/N. I’m not the villain, I just want my husband back and only you can give that to me. That’s all I want. It’s a small price to pay for your happiness. I can even take it away, your powers, I can take them away and then you will have what you want. Pretty sure Barnes still has some swimmers and if he doesn’t surely Wanda can get you some kids, she sure did well with getting herself some.

- Y/N! - Wanda’s voice broke through the two woman’s conversation. Agatha smirked, purple eyes replacing her regular blue ones. - Y/N!

- I think you need to make a choice, dear.

taglist: @lookiamtrying

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captainkurosolaire · 4 years

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Beholder Meet Tranquility

Many locks and keys all remained on the Captain and his soul and spirit was restless, never unable to be revealed. The only reason the specification of this encounter was because of how much compassion was burning on the Captain’s desire and need to resolve his viewed and valued frienemy’s turmoil. Despite everything said previously in this one circumstance his claims about every pirate had been debunked here. His philosophy and realism all his books. They were dribble. This was the Captain’s omen of Heart of Evolution it was slowly dawning with transcending past the events of a cruelest Horizon. Every act of creation that surrounded and swarmed peacefully around the maddened mage felt strangely compassionate. It felt like they were soothing and quelling him of all things. When just a second ago that was required for him. “I made you a promise. I keep those… It’s what they would’ve wanted.“ A soft step came inbound to the fortified Lord before he muttered, sensational nervousness stuck in his throat, “Get..away...” This noble was forced into labor. Turned into artificial believed perfection and the philosophy to be Elite. Misperforming wasn’t an option. Losing wasn’t an excuse. The pressure of his race even was a factor in his growing. In a place dominated by a majority and forever viewed smaller and lesser by even more snooty and uppity. He felt no choice but to chose ignorance and thirst for power which welled from schools of knowledge even if it meant sacrificial portions to acquire it. In hopes it’d make him stand out and attain fame for his noble’s house. He was haunted with the philosophy of losing, fearful of it. And that made him forever hate even the mere notion of such a humanized and organic thing in general. It didn’t matter how large his mind was or how fast it processed. It wasn’t opened enough to accept. There was something truly pathetic and pitiful hiding behind such needless struggles, alone in solitude. Forever casting in the dark and only living on applying his value above the will of others. How could he be told or shown to find himself? When he didn’t know where to look. All the places he had once were sealed away and sold for the promise of power. He made a deal with a Devil that he freed and unleashed that these two opponents had dealt with the threat together believing it’d atone him. Now wasn’t that a fantasy but Captain just here had shown him the final answer to all this conflict in this overplayed war. “You never had the pleasure of knowing a defeat in battle. To be outclassed and be thrown off your perch, every-time someone came close you squashed them or you threw them into a situation where they wouldn’t even humor you. Though you were pleading for this. An equal who took you to the limits that you put onto yourself but as I’ve stated… We were for whatever reason contested to forever repeat our highs and lows and exchange in those. The shields, barriers, they showed your fondness of security so reliant on it. We’ve both always known it. Though I’m going to break you. I’m going to defeat you in one blow and when you lose here... The only fight for you remaining is within your veins. Shiro the reason I fought...” A fierce brightness that undertook this man roared his eye’s open and mouth for a shout. ”It was all for you.” Shiro attempted to recoil but his foot was entrapped by a root that began curling onto him. How could anything grow here... His entire mind and those words they came with such passion and an empathy, ears trying to flee by lowering and hunkering to try muffling out those words he felt during each strike and wound that was screaming at him it was so gut-wrenching it warmed even the coldest layers of Shiro’s spirit. This was the eye-opener aforementioned. Panic and sporadic action set in as Shiro lobbed together in his last ditch effort of infested consumption and to preserve his safe-space to do one more ultimatum attack everything channeled into one atomic cluster. His eyes looked up to notice the Seeker peacefully standing in the same position unmoved. The Dark Sun raised his hand into a finger-gun and cocked it before playfully pulling a trigger with his thumb latching down. “Bang.” This instantly made the cerebellum think it’d be a projectile launched at him or some sort of focused and concentrated aetherial attack the punishment for the over-thinkers. Kuro erupted into a fleeting chortle before falling back in a collapse succumbing to his injuries. Before even the confusion set in. The questionable ‘flighters’ like strand insects were his final attack all along. As they rushed into him they looked too docile and passive but when they entered and collected together they disappeared into the Keepers system entirely blowing up and illuminating anything foul ever showing signs of him branded by anything Voidal their puppet slave no more. It was an exorcised electrifying experience from the inside but none of it harmed that which wasn’t an unnatural organic or harmful energy.

A single purging swarm pried out from Shiro’s back as they were floated and engorged from the feast of corruption as their dazzling lights began fading from existence. Shiro’s entire body convulsed and shook while he stayed standing as there was some sort of dignity purposefully written in the technique to give even his rival that. Another compassionate mercy. After a moment in an aching slouch. His creaking body readjusted and his white pupils from the stasis returned to their brilliant aquamarines. He examined himself and identified what event transpired. He still was the one remaining in the winning position as there was no sign of alertness or awaking from the mangled heathen. A low kick to Kuro’s knee even to check if he had any reaction went unavailing. Only the tiniest string of strand fought on. He had all the options but no matter how he felt all them weren’t viable. If he struck a downed opponent he lost from words proven earlier. If he left him here he lost especially if he passed away into this absence of silence. Cause it didn’t change the fact any win he had ever done was often in-front of an audience. There was no delight in anything victorious here. He saw the chivalrous of nobility once again and was exhilarated with this sensation. <I lost.> <I lost.> <I lost...> This was losing in an unwinnable means. To be wrong about everything. To live believing in lies to the point you thought they were guaranteed facts. Nothing you couldn’t be stumped on or you couldn’t calculate or solve. That, yes, humanity isn’t perfect and it’s flawed by so many corners... but by every trinity is the boundless potential to at-least redefine what humanity means to one’s self a feeling of endless venture of a Fantasy that had no Final. It was proven by this scamp. A scoundrel had lost more times than count and had so many prisons on himself but still he was more free than anyone he had ever met before in any of those scrolls that collected dust in some library shelve. Greatness was subjective and had an equal color in every form and hadn’t any lines of disparity or discoloration from preventing anyone from attaining it. Shiro glossed over the battlefield before looking to the almost forgotten relic in fitting tune, he fought detestably during this for this lousy excuse of a material. A tinge of lunacy crossed him as it surely was still potently valuable but not to him, not anymore. As he’d wrapped the downed Seekers arms around the object in a nested cradle. Accepting his defeat and giving the spoil to the victor. “Thank you.” The Keeper scanned before getting up. He’d open up a portal directly in the outline of the carcass of the Captain that’d see him land right back onto the main decks of his ship. The cost of the Captain’s revelation brought to life and light many things even if he would be under the dark for the coming time in recovery. Judas returning up the gangplank would see a humanoid and bloody mess and banged up Captain plummet right between his soles right to the wood and leave a crater. “What the fuck, Captain?” “I told you to return in one piece not a blob of many! Ahoy, you there? Are you awake or alive!?” All the ambience faded as the tiny break in the sky sealed back up. Shiro on the other side put still a hint of mischievous grin on himself but one that was rare with dimples he finally understood it and now honestly saw what it meant to own a friend. Someone willingly prepared to keep their promises for your sake even if it’s by straightening you with a stern thrash it felt invigorating to be lessened that he wasn’t alone and now could thrive to figure out how to also begin a lazarus of himself like the Captain had granted and model shown it can be achieved since the many losses at the hands of the white suit. He knew exactly how to finish retaining and obtain himself the path of travel was paved in goblet lights. With it all said and done Shiro closed his lids and allowed the exhaustion to plummet and successfully fall in matching with his failure face-first. Accepting earnestly they were Forever Destined but perhaps they were supposed to be more than just advisories and rivals throughout their soul spans. They could be further on the same track and page as opposites and still yet fight together in the ground of their prides with it helping another keep lines of peace and allow them to further explore the limits of their boundless labyrinths of greatness residing in all humane hearts now they most importantly seen by their own-selves. Imperfections are the truth in obtaining perfection.

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possiblyimbiassed · 6 years

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Sherlock and the media – Part II

When I wrote this meta about media’s role in BBC Sherlock, I wasn’t really planning to write a ‘Part II’ of it. But then all these great and thoughtful additions to it (see rb notes to the link above) were so inspiring that I can’t resist doing a follow-up. To me it’s easier to see patterns if I try to summarize and structure the various observations and comment on them topic-wise, as well as on a couple of things we seem to agree on. And please feel free to correct me if I’ve gotten anyone’s ideas wrong.

1. The depiction of media in BBC Sherlock is indeed mostly negative

@whimsicalethnographies points out, in addition, that media has the potential to be a positive force in real life, but that’s often not the case; a free press is essential, but the ability to navigate it is just as important. There’s a “huge critique of the media AND the way we consume it” in this show.

And I fully agree with this; media can (and should) play an important investigative and educational role if and when it manages to be an independent source of information. But we mustn’t forget that most of the media is commercial, that its primary interest is to make money. Which means that when the choice stands between trying to be objective and respect people’s integrity on one hand, and bringing sensational news that sell on the other, the latter will often be priority. And as long as we as readers don’t apply critical thinking, a lot of dubious ideas and outright lies will pass for truth, and we’ll tend to consume them and believe them unquestioningly. And I think we see several examples of characters that fall for this in BBC Sherlock, with the results ranging from relatively harmless (Mrs Hudson is now convinced she should never wear the colour cerise because of something a celebrity said on the telly) to disastrous (The Chief superintendent of NSY proceeds to arrest a man who has helped them for years, based on speculations inside his corps and gossip in the media).

So, source criticism is incredibly important.

I’ll leave the rest under the cut for more patient readers, because this is quite long. :)

@raggedyblue observes that the press never looks well in Sherlock; it’s a “very powerful, two-edged sword” which has “the power to change” when taken critically. But it can also “turn people into herds of sheep” (which I believe CAM condescendingly says right out: ‘a nation of herbivores’).

@221bloodnun also sees an increasing role of media as villains in the show, where Mary appears to be the composite of them all. While John’s main problem is media’s representation of them, Sherlock’s problem is the villains, if I understand it correctly.

So yes; together these things make a terrible adversary for our heroes. I think we have it all in BBC Sherlock; villains who use media as a tool for their crimes (Moriarty), villains who thrive on media (Smith) and media itself being the villain (CAM). And then we have the trickiest part; Mary, who is supposedly in opposition to media (seemingly attacking CAM, seemingly a victim of his blackmail), but actually a big part of the problem (a glossed-over murderer).

@raggedyblue also mentions that one of the few press-related characters in ACD canon is Langdale Pike, who is both source and receptor for gossip. (And “strangely very similar to the description of Mycroft, both are sitting all day in the same place, and despite this, they always know everything about everyone”). In The Adventure of the Three Gables, Watson refers to the press that propagate Pike’s reports as “the garbage papers which cater to an inquisitive public.” (I guess their modern equivalents would be the tabloids?) And in Sherlock T6T, observes @raggedyblue, Langdale appears among the government’s codenamed people who helped edit the video of Sherlock shooting CAM. “That’s not what happened at all. But it is what will be told”. We’re not told who of the five characters present at the hearing is supposed to be ‘Langdale’, but my bet is on Mycroft. :)

To the few media-related characters from canon I’d also like to add Mr. Horace Harker of the Central Press Syndicate, the journalist in The Six Napoleons, whom Holmes lies to in order to take advantage of media’s influence on the suspect.

Holmes lets the journalist make a good story out of the idea that the police are on another track, and Watson comments it like this: “I could not but admire the cunning with which my friend had inserted a wrong clue in the evening paper, so as to give the fellow the idea that he could continue his scheme with impunity”. Manipulation involving media. Hmm.

2. The possibility that Sherlock might have faked his suicide to protect John from being destroyed by media, rather than snipers.

@sherlocks-salty-blog takes this even further: “That would explain why Sherlock is so willing to accept Mary in their life? to kill CAM despite of this could be a death sentence? why he was waiting his death in TST? And willing to acept Mary’s deathly advice to save John in TLD?“

Yes, I think you might be on to something there, @sherlocks-salty-blog. Sherlock behaves very differently in S3 and S4 in comparison to S1-2. He is far more passive towards John leaving him for another person than one would have thought after John’s string of girlfriends; Sherlock even organizes the wedding (something so ‘mundane’ that it would be the last thing I’d expected from him). And his acceptance of ‘Mary’ after her shooting and almost killing him is absurd, to say the least. And then even killing for her sake, telling other people that she is his friend in T6T, and taking blame and a beating from John for her death in TLD. Taken at face value, none of this in HLV and S4 makes an iota of sense. Which is why I believe that it’s all happening inside Sherlock’s head and that it’s actually about something else entirely; I think it’s about guilt, about The Fall and about ‘protecting’ John (and probably himself) from having to face the truth about their relationship, actually being honest to each other. It’s probably also fear of what the press might do to John if they would appear publicly as a couple. I think in general Sherlock feels haunted by the press, and he doesn’t like it one bit.

Another interesting observation from @raggedyblue is that CAM and the press are apparently not interested in Sherlock’s drug use; his relationship with John is seen as more scandalous and therefore pressure point. Yes I believe Sherlock learns this the hard way in HLV; you can’t always fool the media. Once they’ve picked up your scent they’ll keep digging. But the total disinterest from the press in Sherlock’s evident drug habits in TLD is still a bit suspicious to me; if anything, this is yet another piece of evidence that TLD happens inside Sherlock’s head. I think this might also be Sherlock’s internalized homophobia speaking; he has probably convinced himself that society will see his sexual orientation as worse than being a drug addict, thus he’s far more reluctant to talk to anyone about his true feelings for John, than about taking drugs. The drugs are rather the excuse, an escape from having to deal with his emotions.

3. As for Sherlock’s public persona, or ‘facade’, I definitely think media plays a role there:

@sherlockshadow recalls an interesting quote from TAB: WATSON: “That is the version of you that I present to the public. I write all of that, Holmes, and the readers lap it up. But I do not believe it. You are a living, breathing man. You’ve lived a life, you have a past. Experiences. Impulses”. To me this confirms that Watson’s chronicles in canon, as well as what we see in the BBC Sherlock show in general, are elaborated products rather than any kind of objective ‘truth’. So it makes sense that the authors would let Watson address this in TAB, which is kind of a mix between BBC Sherlock and canon.

According to @sarahthecoat, The Strand Magazine has become the lens through which we see Holmes, while Holmes himself remains unseen, as exemplified by Holmes hiding in the hansom in TAB.

Yes, I agree, and I think basically the same goes for John Watson’s blog in our times (except for the last post). The interesting thing about BBC Sherlock, however, is that many things are rather shown from Holmes’ perspective. In fact, I believe the whole show is. ;)

4. On a meta level of this show, might there be a message about the media?

@gosherlocked offers the idea that media might symbolize certain parts of the public, of public opinion towards people who are different in one way or the other.

Oh yes, I agree that this might definitely be the case; Sherlock says it himself about CAM (=media):

I think media’s behaviour in the show reflects the fact that the LGBTQ issue is constantly joked about and alluded to, but never addressed seriously. Kitty Riley’s prying into Sherlock’s love life or the papers calling John a ‘confirmed bachelor” in TRF are examples of this. I also believe that this is entirely intentional from the show-makers, because I think it’s meant as satire - maybe a kind of satire that (sadly) flies over the heads of most of their audience, and over real life media’s head in particular, but still satire; harsh, damning mockery. And I suspect that what they’re making fun of might be the hypocrisy of the public opinion, the parts of the audience that uncritically swallows whatever hetero norm rubbish of a storyline they’re served without even questioning it - including the part of traditional sherlockian fandom that would be apalled by the prospect of a gay Holmes. Seemingly ‘warm paste’ but subversive under the surface, I believe.

Another good point, made by @elldotsee, is this: “Oh! I also believe that TPTB are doing the same to us IN REAL LIFE. all the interviews, especially since s4 that insist that there was “never any romance” between John and Sherlock, that Martin and Ben never “played at being lovers”, etc etc. they’re using the media to make us believe the fairy tales, just like they told us they were going to in the show. Maybe this is their “big, ground breaking idea”.¨

Yes - that’s exactly what I think too, @elldotsee. I strongly suspect the writers are playing with us this way. In fact, I believe that the main purpose, the central message with this show is not ‘Johnlock’ per se; it’s not to give LGBTQ people their long due representation in the world’s most famous detective story (even if I do believe this will still be their endgame). No, I think this is a comment on the still very much lingering homophobia and heteronormativity, and just how easily people buy into media’s lies and fairy tales about it. I believe S4 is a Dystopia, as @tjlcisthenewsexy has pointed out earlier - a worst case scenario. But I think they’re very deliberately messing around with their audience, trying to teach us a lesson: ‘Think critically, do not just lap up everything you hear from media’.

The cast and crew can say just about anything in interviews, and next time contradict it, and real life media can twist it around a million times; it’s still only the work that matters.

Therefore, If we want answers, we have to look at the actual show, not at what’s said about it in media.

(By the way @elldotsee , you wonder when John’s blog stops updating? As far as I know, that happens shortly after TSoT but before HLV, and Sherlock makes the last post when John is on honeymoon. I wrote about these things in my meta series ‘What happened to Sherlock?’ (X, X, X, X). John types on a jpg-file in T6T.)

5. About ‘straight-washing’

@tjlcisthenewsexy had a lot of interesting additions, some of which I replied to here. One of them was that S4:s function might be to ‘set the record straight’, just as Janine’s interviews about Sherlock being ‘as red-blooded as they come’, did in HLV, thereby denying any gay relationship between him and John.

@sarahthecoat points out something similar; that Janine’s ‘straightwashing’ of Sherlock in the press in HLV could be seen as a parallel to Mary’s ‘straightwashing’ of John by marrying him.

Come to think of it, that’s pretty much exactly the implications of ‘Mary’s role in canon and in Sherlock, according to this excellent analysis by @green-violin-bow: “And there you have it: the central problem of Mary Morstan/Watson, in both ACD canon and BBC Sherlock – she shoots Sherlock in the heart – or does she save his life?“ “Mary Watson’s presence provides Holmes and Watson with a lifesaving alibi”.

Which was probably the only narrative option for them in the Victorian times, where they would have been imprisoned if found together (and that would go for the author writing about them too). While in our time the same solution seems to me like an infuriating backlash, something we should never tolerate.

6. About media and power

@elldotsee lifts several good points, of which I find this one particularly interesting: The name ‘Napoleon’ is associated with three different persons in this show: 1. CAM is referred to as the “Napoleon of blackmail” in HLV 2. Moriarty calls himself the “Napoleon of crime” in TAB 3. Craig the hacker in T6T says that “Thatcher’s like – I dunno – Napoleon now”

To this I’d like to add the conversation between Sherlock and Faith in TLD (transcript by Ariane De Vere, my bolding):

SHERLOCK: D’you know why I’m going to take your case? Because of the one impossible thing you’ve said. FAITH: What impossible thing? SHERLOCK: You said your life turned on one word. FAITH: Yes: the name of the person my father wanted to kill. SHERLOCK: That’s the impossible thing. Just that, right there. FAITH: What’s impossible? SHERLOCK: Names aren’t one word. They’re always at least two. Sherlock Holmes; Faith Smith; Santa Claus; Winston Churchill; Napoleon Bonaparte. Actually, just ’Napoleon’ would do. FAITH: Or Elvis? SHERLOCK: Well, I think we can rule both of them out as targets.

And instead, Sherlock eventually comes up with the word ‘anyone’ as a target for the serial killer. Yes, because Napoleon wasn’t exactly a target, was he? He was rather the aggressor. Well, in the ACD canon story The Six Napoleons, busts of him are repeatedly smashed of course, just as busts of Thatcher is destroyed in both the episode TST and John’s blog post The Six Thatchers. But in the quote above, Napoleon’s name is also placed beside Winston Churchill, a famous British prime minister. This, in combination with the linking of two villains and Thatcher to Napoleon’s name, makes one thing rather obvious to me: that Margaret Thatcher is also seen as a villain by Sherlock, and the show; maybe she’s even seen as a serial killer. I think there’s a reason why these two names – Napoleon and Thatcher – are so emphasized in the show. Because they link three things together: Homophobia (Moriarty), Media (CAM) and the government (Thatcher). All of them can produce death if their doings drive people to suicide.

7. Kitty Riley

@ebaeschnbliah points out something that I hadn’t noticed at all: that the words ‘Make Believe’ can be found on the wall of Kitty Riley’s room in TRF.

Wow - fairy tales… ;)

@tjlcisthenewsexy also brings up Kitty Riley and the bathroom scene, but then also says this:

“Sherlock WAS protecting John - protecting him from what Sherlock KNEW was coming very shortly. I mean it’s already in the show, really - “Sherlock is a fake” might as well read “They’re gay”. Kitty Reilly colluded with homophobia (in the form of Jim Moriarty) to put together that shaming article that supposedly lead directly to Sherlock’s suicide. Yep….it’s all in there”.

I do agree with this, and I’d like to linger a bit longer on Kitty’s possible role here, because I believe there’s definitely more to these events than meets the eye. There are so many weird things about the scene in her apartment, and the events leading up to it in TRF, that I can’t help wondering which parts of it are actually ‘real’. So let’s have a closer look.

First of all, John hasn’t written anything on his blog about the central case of TRF - the case that meant Sherlock’s supposed death - except this:

And then this: “But you know what happened? Sherlock saved the lives of two kids. Regardless of anything else, he did that. And they didn't even like him very much. If you really think that he was guilty or that Moriarty wasn't real then feel free to explain this “ (link to the post with Moriarty’s hacking of his blog).

But this makes me suspicious, because it doesn’t exactly make sense; why is it ‘too final’? Why is it so negative for John to write about this? Wouldn’t it be John Watson’s dearest interest to write up the truth about this case, trying to clear Sherlock’s name from media’s slander? That’s what he does in ACD canon, at least; he describes The Final Problem with the events at the Reichenbach Falls in detail, to let the world see that the slandering of Holmes by his enemies is completely false (excerpt from FINA, my bolding):

“It was my intention to have stopped there, and to have said nothing of that event which has created a void in my life which the lapse of two years has done little to fill. My hand has been forced, however, by the recent letters in which Colonel James Moriarty defends the memory of his brother, and I have no choice but to lay the facts before the public exactly as they occurred. I alone know the absolute truth of the matter, and I am satisfied that the time has come when no good purpose is to be served by its suppression. As far as I know, there have been only three accounts in the public press: that in the Journal de Genève on May 6th, 1891, the Reuter’s dispatch in the English papers on May 7th, and finally the recent letters to which I have alluded. Of these the first and second were extremely condensed, while the last is, as I shall now show, an absolute perversion of the facts. It lies with me to tell for the first time what really took place between Professor Moriarty and Mr. Sherlock Holmes”.

But apparently our modern John didn’t want to do this on his blog, in spite of having witnessed Moriarty’s whole performance in Kitty’s apartment. John must have plenty of evidence that show Sherlock’s real part in the case, and he and Molly assisted in the whole chemical analysis at Barts. And what about his own role; if Sherlock was arrested for kidnapping, wouldn’t John be his accomplice? But answering the vile attacks on Sherlock in his comment section John just says “Believe what you like”, and not a word about media’s role. In fact, the media is never even mentioned by John between TRF and Sherlocks return in TEH, in spite of having played such a damning role in Sherlock’s downfall. John does write up some other of their cases after this, but the kidnapping case seems taboo. I sense a kind of fear here; there must be things we’re not told. Was John under pressure?

The circumstances around Sherlock’s arrest in TRF look odd to me, to say the least; apparently he’s a suspect for having figured out how to save the kidnapped children, and because one of the kids got frightened when she saw him. But there’s no actual evidence that we know of, only Donovan’s very dubious speculations about a possible motive, based on an upset child’s reaction. And Sherlock made his deductions about the place at the police station, in front of everyone. Basically, they had nothing on him to hold water in a court case. How can anyone be arrested for kidnapping on those grounds? And if Sherlock wanted to avoid being photographed by the media when brought in by a police car, why not just take a cab to the police station by himself? After all, that’s what he usually does!

But instead, he sits and waits to get collected, and then he escapes together with John, and drags both of them handcuffed in front of a bus, based on the extremely risky prediction that the assassin might save them. Is it really worth risking John’s life to prove a point about a computer code? Weird... And then there’s Kitty. Why break into her apartment? This guy is now wanted by the police, and the first thing he does is committing a crime at the very place of the journalist who has been slandering him in the press? Anyway, when John and Sherlock arrive at Kitty’s apartment, the wisest thing to do would be to use any tool in her kitchen to immediately get rid of the handcuffs, right? And then perhaps search her apartment for clues? Nope. Instead, they just sit handcuffed in the dark, waiting for the journalist with her door open.

I think the symbolism of this is very apt; they’re closely and firmly bound to each other, but completely in the dark about it! :))) And then Media comes to reveal it...

More absurdities: Kitty shows them her still un-published article, as if this would be ‘proof’ that Sherlock is a fraud. Let’s take a closer look at it. This is her earlier brief news flash in The Sun, advertising the coming article:

Transcript: SHERLOCK: THE SHOCKING TRUTH - EXCLUSIVE

(Close Friend Richard Brook Tells All)

SUPER-SLEUTH Sherlock Holmes has today been exposed as a fraud in a revelation that will shock his new found base of [ado]ring fans. Out-of-work actor Richard Brook revealed exclusively to THE SUN that he was hired by Holmes in an elaborate deception to fool the British public into believing Holmes had above-average ‘detective skills’. Brook, who has known Holmes for decades and until recently considered him to be a close friend, said he was at first desperate for the money, but later found he had no [...]

And this is the still un-published manuscript that Kitty shows Sherlock and John in her flat - the document that Kitty calls ‘conclusive proof’ (together with some loose papers from Moriarty which do not look like cuttings from newspapers; the paper is entirely white and there’s no logo or date or similar evidence that they have actually been published):

Transcript: SHERLOCK’S A FAKE!

“He invented all the crimes” (Exclusive from Kitty Riley)

Out-of-work actor Richard Brook reveals exclusively to us that he was hired by Holmes in an elaborate deception to fool the British public into believing that Holmes had above average ’detective skills’. “He had the whole ‘Moriarty’ cover cooked up from the beginning and invented all the crimes”, said Brook. “All I had to do was learn my lines.” Brook, who has known Holmes for decades and until recently considered him to be a close friend, said he was at [...] desperate for the money but later [...] he had no choice but to continue the deception. I didn’t realise what I was getting into until it was too late. I’m not proud of myself, but at least now the world knows the truth about Sherlock Holmes”. In what will no doubt spark a massive internal investigation at Scotland Yard, Holmes has also fooled several high-ranking detectives into believing.

‘Well boy’, Uncle Pumblechook [...]

But a closer look at Kitty’s supposed manuscript reveals that this same text (except for the ‘Uncle’ part) is copy-pasted and repeated again and again – this is indeed fake news! And we never got to know what evidence they actually had on Sherlock, the incriminating facts that ‘only someone close to Sherlock could know’ and that Mycroft supposedly ‘blabbed’ about to Moriarty. What was it about? His drug problems? Youth crimes? Mental health issues?Mythomania? I’m still at a loss to see how these papers could prove that Sherlock was a ‘fake’ who had ‘invented all the crimes’ without further details. The fact that we never get any specifics is extremely suspicious to me; what crimes exactly? Is he supposed to have invented Jennifer Wilson’s murder? Eddie Van Coon? Alex Woodbridge? If the crimes weren’t committed, what had NSY been investigating? Fake bodies? And if Sherlock was suspected of having committed them all, why wasn’t John suspected as an accomplice? It doesn’t make sense...

It strikes me, however, that Kitty’s most juicy bit that she wanted to publish about Sherlock, the one about ‘you and John Watson - just platonic or?’ is no longer mentioned in all this. Not a word about the ‘confirmed bachelors’ anymore - why is that? This is all about Sherlock, not John. I very much agree with @tjlcisthenewsexy here; “Sherlock is a fake” might as well read “They’re gay”...

‘Real’ newspapers

To give a more complete picture of media’s role, I’ve made a quick research about the different newspapers shown in BBC Sherlock; which are they and what do they say? It turns out that most of them actually exist in real life. Below is a short presentation and some of their headlines in the show:

The Daily Express (UK ‘middle market’, conservative tabloid)

“Boy, 18, kills himself inside sports centre.” (ASiP) “Bachelor John Watson” (TRF) “Crime of the century” (TRF) “Moriarty walks free. Shock verdict at Old Bailey trial” (TRF) ”Shag-a-lot Holmes” (HLV)

Going by the insinuations about John’s sexual orientation, this paper is depicted as sensationalist in BBC Sherlock, which there’s also lots of evidence for in real life, in spite of being described as ‘middle market’ (see Wikipedia link above). It has been accused of xenophobia, among other things.

Sunday Express (belongs to The Daily Express. Known for controversies )

“Who wants to be a million-hair” (TBB)

Daily Star (’Redtop’ UK tabloid, known for controversies, same publisher as Daily Express)

“World Exclusive Boffin Sherlock solves another” (TRF) “How was he ever acquitted” (about Moriarty; TRF)

The Daily Mail (British conservative ‘middle-market’ tabloid) REPORTER 3: Yes, but if they are murders, how do people keep themselves safe? LESTRADE: Well, don’t commit suicide. (The reporter looks at him in shock. Donovan covers her mouth and murmurs a warning.) DONOVAN: “Daily Mail.”

The Times (British conservative newspaper; not regarded as ‘tabloid’)

John looks at the article reporting Beth Davenport’s apparent suicide. Next to a large photograph of Beth is a smaller one showing the man who just visited the flat and identifying him as D.I. Lestrade. (ASiP)

The Daily Telegraph (aka The Telegraph. British daily broadsheet newspaper)

Sherlock reading, headline invisible (TBB)

The Sunday Telegraph (owned by The Daily Telegraph)

Sherlock reading, headline invisible. Picture seems to show Connie Prince (TBB)

Daily Mirror (British ‘redtop’ tabloid)

“Tragic Carl died doing what he loved” (Sherlock’s clip; TGG) “7 times a night in Baker Street” (HLV)

The Guardian (British daily newspaper known for liberal or left-wing viewpoints)

“Amateur detective to be called as expert witness. Scotland Yard calls upon ‘nation’s favourite detective’ in Moriarty trail” (TRF) “The case is riddled with irony and intrigue but perhaps reflects a deeper malaise that seems to be at the heart of a society” (TRF) “Shock verdict at trial”(TRF) “Moriarty vanishes” (TRF) “What next for the Reichenbach hero” (TRF) “Lord Smallwood suicide” (HLV)

The Sun (British ‘redtop’ tabloid, many controversies around misogyny, homophobia and Thatcherism)

“Sherlock – the shocking truth” (by Kitty Riley, TRF) ”Sherlock’s a fake! ‘He invented all the crimes’” (unpublished, Kitty Riley, TRF) “Suicide of fake genius” (TRF)

Global CAM News (Invented newspaper, as far as I can see)

“Trepoff ‘Guilty’ Sensation!” (MHR)

The Independent (British newspaper, ‘social-liberal’; since 2016 it only exists online)

John reading, headline invisible (TRF)

When making this list, some of the newspapers reminded me of these lines from Tom Robinson’s satirical song from the seventies (my bolding):

Glad to be Gay (Lyrics) Pictures of naked young women are fun In Titbits and Playboy, page three of The Sun There's no nudes in Gay News, our one magazine But they still find excuses to call it obscene Read how disgusting we are in the press The Telegraph, People and Sunday Express Molesters of children, corruptors of youth It's there in the paper, it must be the truth

Three of these six newspapers and tabloids are figuring in BBC Sherlock, one of them (The Sun) highly contributing to Sherlock’s Fall by carrying false and defamatory news about him. And there’s also this, in the rooftop scene at the end of TRF:

JIM: “Genius detective proved to be a fraud.” I read it in the paper, so it must be true. I love newspapers. Fairytales.

This may be a complete coincidence, of course, but I did find some other possible references to Tom Robinson too, which I described in this meta some time ago.

OK, this is already a monster-post, but just one more little observation:

I know we shouldn’t lend too much credibility to the media, right? But ‘you can’t kill an idea, can you’? Not once it’s made a home in your head... :)

Headline in TSoT: “Potential freezing spell puts funeral directors on red alert”. So, maybe a ‘freezing spell’...

...should put us on ‘red alert’...

...and not ‘bury’ this show entirely just yet? I’ll leave you to your deductions. ;)

@ebaeschnbliah @raggedyblue @sarahthecoat @gosherlocked @sagestreet @tjlcisthenewsexy @221bloodnun @elldotsee @mrskolesouniverse @whimsicalethnographies @sherlocks-salty-blog @fellshish

#Media's role in Sherlock

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thehiddenlawyer · 6 years

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Stranger Than Kindness (His Last Vow, Part I)

Enjoy! Let me know what you think!

Ao3

A few days after the wedding and Molly Hooper, newly single Molly Hooper…newly not engaged Molly Hooper…was puttering around her flat, playing with her phone as she chewed her lip, her thoughts filled with Sherlock Holmes. She thought about the days after the wedding, especially the morning after when she’d woken up with his naked body pressed against hers, his eyes mischievous as he’d grabbed the yellow ribbon she’d had in her hair, tying her hands above her head and making love to her with such agonizing, slow movement that she had thought she would die. They’d spent most the day making love, leaving the bed only to sneak down to the kitchen to bring food for one another, wasting an entire can of cool whip and chocolate syrup. He’d left mid-afternoon the second day, and that had been that…

They’d texted of course, but it had been about work, and she’d wondered if there would be any awkwardness between them when he’d texted her, asking if she was in the lab because he needed her help. But he’d shown up, giving her a warm smile, and they’d moved together as friends, comfortable and at ease, but nothing beyond that. She’d wanted to press him, to ask him where they stood but she didn’t think he’d be able to handle it…She hadn’t seen or heard from him for nearly ten days, so the text asking her to go to Baker Street had been a surprise.

Slipping into jeans and a jumper, she took the tube to his flat, spending the entire ride wondering what he would bring up, what he wanted. She felt excitement as she walked up the steps, imagining his smile, imagining the taste of his welcoming kiss, the way his arms would feel holding her against his warmth. Her future was suddenly bright, a promise that beckoned her instead of making her balk.

Dealing with the fallout of the broken engagement had been painful. She had eventually forced herself to tell her mum and friends, who’d all rallied around her, somehow assuming that Tom had broken off their engagement. She’d even gotten calls and messages from his friends and family, mostly asking if she was doing all right with the break off, and if she needed anything from them. Their texts and concerns had reminded her she had to go about the business of a broken engagement, a wedding called off…all the things she had to cancel or return…all the refunds she had to issue…the business of a marriage broken just in the nick of time.

She barely managed not to fall when she walked through the door of the flat, barely managed not to gasp or clutch her chest as her heart shattered, as she felt her soul whither, shrivel. There he was, sitting in his armchair with a woman in his lap, snogging, his hand between her thighs, under a shockingly short skirt. “Sorry!” she managed to squeak with an awkward laugh, “the door was open!”

The woman unfolded herself and Molly recognized Mary’s maid of honor, the one that had been clinging to Sherlock the entire wedding. “Molly,” Sherlock’s voice was deep and raspy, the intimacy of it familiar, beckoning memories of that same huskiness in the middle of the night, whispered against her naked body, “come on in,” he grinned at her as the woman stood up and he followed suit, adjusting his clothes, “you remember Janine.”

“Yes, of course, hi!” Molly’s voice sounded high pitch to her own ears, as if she had swallowed an entire tank of helium as she glanced down to make sure her entrails weren’t spilling on the floor in front of her.

“Hi!” Janine grinned, her lipstick smeared, most of it around Sherlock’s mouth and Molly prayed for death, prayed for a sinkhole to open up where she was standing so she could fall through it.

“Uhm, Molly,” she managed, “I’m Molly. Hooper.”

“Nice to see you again,” Janine smiled, “well I’ll leave you two to discuss business,” she grinned, turning her attention to Sherlock as Molly ducked into the kitchen in search of water, hearing the kiss between the happy couple, the erotic sighs and secret chuckles that Molly had thought belonged to her. She drank water just to have something to do, quickly setting the glass down before Sherlock came into the kitchen, stuffing her hands into her pockets so he wouldn’t see the way they were trembling, checking to make sure there were no tears streaming down her eyes.

Evisceration.

Vivisection.

She nearly collapsed when she remembered the way he’d licked her tears away that night. That cursed night. That....that tremendous mistake.

He walked into the kitchen after she heard Janine’s footsteps going down the stairs, “enjoying your day off?” he asked casually.

“Oh yeah,” she cleared her throat, “just running- running errands when you texted. So, what do you need?”

“Tea?” he asked as he filled the kettle and she wished he would turn to her, that he would tell her she had an insane imagination and take her into his arms and make it all better. Or she’d wake up from a nightmare and find him in bed with her, and they would laugh together when she told him about the dream as he tucked her against him.

“I’m perfect. Fit. Good, yeah, good,” she managed, “uhm, I’m in a bit of a hurry actually,” she lied, her voice wobbling, “so what do you need?”

She barely registered the question he asked about one of his experiments, didn’t know what answers she gave him, trying not to remember what he had told her the last time she’d asked him what he needed. Molly closed her eyes against the memories of his soft voice, of his kiss, of the way he had stood in that stairwell and told her she mattered the most…the look in his eyes when he’d told her…

Somehow, she survived their meeting.

Somehow, she walked away.

Somehow, she made it back to her flat with her entrails trailing behind her.

She sank to the ground in front of her door, and stared into nothingness, wondering where she would find the strength to move on this time.

-------------------------------

Sherlock methodically checked the doors of 221B, making sure they were all locked tight, all the curtains drawn allowing only a sliver of daylight to filter through the window. Eventually, he was going to make his drug habit known, the entire purpose of this was to have the world, especially Magnussun, believe that he was a drug addict, that it was his only pressure point.

But today…today…this first time in a long time, he needed to wallow in the shame that came with the needle and the slip of foil, needed the shame to overwhelm him as he sat down on the floor in front of the fireplace and unpacked his poisonous paraphernalia.

This first time, he needed it, and he needed it to sting and sear his soul, needed all the darkness to envelope him the way it always did, to clear out the last vestiges of humanity left in him to carry on. He filled the needle with poison and told himself this was for the best. Tied the tourniquets around his bicep to make the vein jump and his eyes were stinging as the horror on Molly’s face swirled to the forefront of his mind, the marrow deep disappointment and hurt, the confusion as she’d tried to hide them from him, the way her entire body had been trembling. He positioned the head of the needle against the thick, healthy vein and saw the way she’d nearly tripped over her own feet in her haste to get away from him.

He pressed the plunger and knew the high would be nothing compared to how he felt when Molly belonged to him.

Sherlock felt the poison hit his system and bloom like a gunshot wound throughout his body, felt himself collapse back on the floor and stare up at the ceiling, watching, detached as the hours passed, as the light shifted and all he could think about was how much he’d hurt Molly, repeating the lie that this was the best thing for her. That if he was going after Magnussun, he couldn’t risk revealing his greatest weakness, his greatest pressure point.

Charles Augustus Magnussun.

C.A.M.

He frowned slightly, his addled mind conjuring up one of the telegrams from the wedding, something about…poppet? But he couldn’t remember, didn’t care to remember, Molly…that’s all that mattered…Molly…Molly.

As he sat up to refill his needle with poison again, feeling the high starting to wear off, he began thinking about pressure points as he searched for another healthy vein to destroy, another positive thing about himself that he had to sacrifice…Sacrifice for what, he didn’t know, and didn’t care to know at that point. Because none of it seemed worth it, and he didn’t seem worth any of it.

Protecting Molly, that’s what he was doing, and that’s what he had to remind himself, that’s what he clung to. If Magnussun ever got wind of how much Molly meant to him, she would be in direct line of fire and he would rather die a thousand deaths than to see Molly hurt. And if Molly knew the truth, knew what he was doing….she was too smart and cared too much, she would give herself away with a single glance in his direction. So he had to hurt her, turned that love in her eyes into pure hatred and disgust.

He pushed the poison in his vein and heard his own maniacal, unsettling laughter fill the flat. He was hurting Molly more than anyone at that point, and he doubted anyone else was capable of hurting her as much as he did…but at least she’d be in the world, at least he could watch her move and thrive whereas if anyone found out she was his heart….

Moriarty’s shadow in his mind palace laughed, leaning so casually against the doors of Molly’s locked suite, “I will burn the heart out of you,” he laughed.

Fortunately, Moriarty hadn’t known who his heart was…

His heart was a diminutive, unassuming, mousey little pathologist with brown hair and brown eyes, who had atrocious taste in clothing and didn’t own a single article that wasn’t a hew in the rainbow, who snorted when she laughed and could never time her morbid jokes properly.

That was his heart, and he would protect it all cost.

So, he had hurt her deliberately, pushed her away from him, the excuse of Janine coming along at a perfect time, both his key to Magnussun’s apartment and a way to protect Molly. He was going to keep pushing poison in his veins and let the world know that his greatest weakness was drugs, not his heart…

Human error, he told himself.

Human error.

#Sherlolly #sherlolly fanfic #sherlolly fanfiction #stranger than kindness #my writing #Sherlock and Molly #molly and her sherlock #his last vow #HLV #sherlock #molly hooper #mollock

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malamelodies · 3 years

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mind tricks

my mind is going a million miles a minute. the clock states its 322 in the morning. had an argument with man friend that started with the intention of me sharing that I'm scared and easily nestled its way into the past, and then getting defensive then we couldn't hear each other any more. and now I feel like I'm on eggshells, even though I want to believe its all in my mind. I want to lean into the dreams and hopes. I heard my name being whispered to me as I tried to doze off to sleep. who is calling me? is it my higher self or a spirit of the sorts. all of this is happening and I try not to feel alone, but I do. being an only child is catching up to me. I need to talk with Emma about this. really get to the root of why its effecting me so much. with man friend, it could either go one way or the other. he leans into it or he doesn't. how do I maintain my equilibrium in whatever is decided. I saw a myriad of images as I tried to fall asleep, krater induced, Im sure. a baby boy. proposal. why does it follow me? he says wait at least a year until we talk about marriage. in hindsight, that's totally what I want too, but then I think about my age and I want to push it. how do I balance that. how do I trust that it will happen. and I acknowledge that part of me wants to lean into parenthood because then I feel like then I can feel secure in us becoming a team. its so silly. I have never wanted it that way. I want it to be intentional and loved up and showing devotion to holding each other. I want to feel safe with my partner. is it because I want to cultivate it within myself? its said that we are reflections of one another, so in all that I say and see in him, do I just need to reverse the dialogue to becoming internal towards myself. im getting so confused because I sincerely believe in community and devotion. dad always said a sacrifice isn't a sacrifice if its for someone we love, and I think im being flexible but am I not being flexible enough? the way he casually states that if what he wants isn't in alignment with mine right now, that I can so looks for it elsewhere... that hurts my feelings so deeply. it allows me to feel disposable. that he doesn't mind if I never show up again, this past week and past weekend have been so magical, him sharing his commitment towards me. can it all change within a day. mom even said at one point “they might wake up one morning and not love you anymore’ how is that even possible? my brain and heart and spirit cannot comprehend that. alas, it is the truth for some people. what lessons are to be learned here. my first thought is trust. yes yes trust. the concept I lean into but not too much. is it because, well, I don't truly trust? ha aint that a big ol pickle.

people tell me that not this phase has ended at LoveNest that I need to be very clear on what. want next. what if I dont know? what fi I have general ideas? I want to live with Jedidiah, I want to grow my business. I want a garden, two of these are dependent upon me. and I feel bad, I actually feel bad that ti am putting that kind of pressure/expectation on him. its like genie in a bottle, I can iwhs for things, but not love. part of me believes that if I have a booming business, then the love with come 10 fold. it shows independence and dedication. im actually going to look up craft fairs; and the fist link I click states that they're cancelled. invest my money properly.

that is another desire. weekends being filled up with craft fairs to table at. and farmers markets. then to invest $5000.00 in stock and for them to double in a few months and exponentially keep growing. put $2000.00 in bonds and keep them there for a longer period of time. in 6 months I want to successfully sell my car and get an SUV. self focus and self care will allow for the biggest desire to flourish.

the main thing that moving out of this house has shown me, is I can get horse vision around something that only I can do. I would like to get that with my job now. within the first few months into this new year, I want to bring in 4000. 10 orders of 100 dollars. switch the focus onto audible books about business and marketing. people who want to team up. I've received os much support for moonflower essence along the way. and I truly feel that its a family affair. I want to have employees and a warehouse. I need to get in. get my clinical herbal certificate. take that seriously. continue to expand on ways I can keep growing. the vision I got from the breast workshop.. I want that tremendously. I was able to feel it. it reminds me of the magic of burning man and the first time I want I was told not to imagine what it would look like, rather than the feeling it is. I feel confident. at ease. loved tremendously. I feel important and cared for. the capacity to help others because I am the flowering card of osho. I feel sexy, inspired and creative. creating new products along with art and music. working up to a real size harp. taking on responsibilities with ease and laughter. witty. feeling beautiful. my skin radiant. such a healthy body. experimental with cooking. emotionally mature and intelligent. able to provide for my parents. dancing and laughter. traveling. open to try new things. charisma. enchantment.

and the little girl in me wants to be proposed too, have a love ceremony. have a husband/parter who will draw my bath and rub my feet. thoughtfulness, and brings so much laughter and care. that we continue to crack each other up into old age, that the grandkids love us and we've built a beautiful support system of friends who have become family. lots of gathering and sexy time exploration. we travel the world together and as a family. we genuinely care for each other and continue to tend to the garden of love in incorporating things like therapy and tantra and nonviolent communication and dance and singing together and cooking melas together. we make a great team and NOTHING is fleeting, we are devoted to each other. not codependent. we are independent and live our own lives, and there is NO wavering in the fact that we are in it to win it till our last breath and beyond. I see movies where the couple is old but they are in it together. through the hard times and the difficult. the world has turned upside-down, but they still have each other. rom-com success. I believe in that. I see that with my parents. and when I feel it in my heart, I feel it within me too. and out of all the people in the world, by heart keeps whispering Jedidiah. but I need to keep it under wraps. I feel like as soon as I lean into it, and show him a smidgen more than the bare minimum, he steps away. and what is crazy is that he thinks I already love him so much, but its not even the full surface. as soon as a I feel a promise of commitment, wowed. fireworks and shooting stars.

but until that day come, if it ever comes, I need to just focus on me.

he doesn't see the point of proposal, and that within itself is a red flag. its something so incredibly special. but here I ma. being flexible and putting my desires at the way side, until, so I hope, he comes around. but wha tif he doesn't? what if is all talk. why do I keep believing in it? I want to feel empowerment in being a hopeful romantic vs a hopeless one. I have a really big heart.and I know the capacity is limitless. I just want. family. a big ol; family. I want to legit call Amy Jera and Sarah my sisters. to call Peter dad and Kathleen mom. I feel so weird for wanting that because homie isn't not he same page. every time I drive over train tracks, for years, I wish that he proposes. every time I hold my breath through a tunnel, I wish that were married.and I know when that happens the business and morey situation will be thriving, because he doesn't want me for just me, hell want me for my accomplishments. its fucking gross, but its true. even with the trailer, I thought he wanted to move in together and now I feel he wants to do that because the trailer will be under my name. is it just a story? or is it the truth? when will I become we? for now, sleepy heard, get some rest and read up on fairs and stocks tomorrow/today. I love you.

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