#any kind of connection that had to ur coping mechanism

[woahitsairi]

Hii!! this is my presentation post!🩷

• i’m Airi, Ria for friends🎀

•i’m 18 y.o (7th september 2005)🍰

•i live in Rome,Italy🏛️

•i love mangas,anime,sanrio,animals,hp,marvel,horror movies,occult,books,cooking,drawing,music,the sunset,flowers,perfumes,art,my friends,my daddy and a lot more!!🤍

•i’m asexual,panromantic and non-binary🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

•i’m taken since 30th march 2023 with daddy🩷

•i’m satanist,not evil!!🪿

•i’ve a cat(Misa) and 3 parrots (Nox & 2 Nuggets)🐈

• i speak🇫🇷🇩🇪🇮🇹🇷🇺🇪🇸🇬🇧

•i’m autistic & ADHD🫶🏻

•i’m not anti k1nk,but this account is SFW so i don’t talk abt that✨

•i’m not a zionist,i’m with Palestine🇵🇸🍉

•i’m also a pet regressor🐇

•my DMS are always open to talk and make friends🍼

•My musical tastes are really so wide, here’s my spotify profile! (I want to specify that i’m an adult,so it can happen that there’re playlists & that in my playlists there’re NSFW songs or with references & explicit language)🎧

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝

DNI (DO NOT INTERACT)⚠️

•if u’re transphobic, homophobic, sexist, zionist, racist, etc

•u don’t think all religions and cult are valid until they hurt someone

•u don’t support neopronouns,u support/u’re pedos and zoophily

•u don’t support and discriminate people with disabilities of any kind

•u don’t think neurodivergent people are valid

•u don’t support people with trauma and/or mental illnesses

•u don’t think agere,petre ecc are valid as a safe coping mechanism

•u think self diagnosis aren’t valid

•u’re anti kink and/or u do kink shaming: Many people use kinks as a coping mechanism to try to live with some traumas so no, it's not up to anyone to be able and having to judge these people badly, they’ve the right to do what’s best for them especially if they don't hurt someone

•u judge people without a valid criteria

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝

HOW TO INTERACT WITH ME🍼

•be nice

•respect my pronouns: they aren’t negotiable and I’ll NEVER change them for someone who wants to talk to me

•if u aren’t part of the agere and petre community u can easily ask me all the questions u want (without disrespect obv)

•I'm autistic so please be careful and maybe use the tonetags

•respect my triggers and don't try to use them against me on purpose to make me feel bad,i’ll block u and add u to blocklist

•My enbyf’s also my daddy so no, I'm not available in looking for a CG

•u can vent with me,just ask first please.Sometimes I’ve terrible days where I’ve a hard time interacting and listening to others when they vent, but I really love helping others so I'm here for anything ^^

•u can send me memes,cute pics and posts and everything abt ur interests

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝

MY TRIGGERS ⚠️

•Forms of manipulation such as gaslighting and guilt tripping

•Food: I suffer from being eating and arfild so anything that’s connected to food like calories etc.

•SH: I've had some bad sh seizures and the agere/petre’s helping me stay clean for as long as possible

PS: abt my DCA and the SH I’ll probably post screens of my progress of the time when I was sober

•Whatever concerns the sexual sphere: I'm an adult and I often get involved in sexual acts with my enbyf, but that absolutely doesn't mean that I don't get triggered by sexual things when I'm little!!

#sfw agere #age regression #agere blog #agere community #age regressor #agere little #sfw littlespace #sfw interaction only #sfw regression #sfw petre #sfw little post

[mejomonster]

Honestly I shipped majima and Makoto so so so much in yakuza 0 I am a bit. Sad that they're unlikely to interact like that ever again

They were phenomenal parallels to each other, who met in times in their lives when its just what they needed. Majima to see the harm being caged nonstop does so he realizes he needsssss to get the fuck out of his cage and realizes the gravity of the situation never Ever ends in this kind of life, meanwhile Makoto needed to feel she had power to Do somrthing and start acting. And when majima ignores his kill orders and does the Hard choice to keep helping her, and she sees Lee and him hurting cause they help her, she really pushes to eventually go make her own moves. Which eventually propels her to being able to move into her new life after all this and even try to face and endure a future. They met at perfect times to affect each other.

And I really liked their ending too honestly. Story wise I got why it's nice Makoto go Out of this life and back into the civilian world, why majima doesn't want to reconnect her to it through him and why he thinks he is Intrinsically This World and part of it forever. Why she still is connected through her past so they still ran into each other, still said goodbyes in their own ways. It hurts the way it hurts when you meet someone or care for someone who changes your life. But life parts you.

I really really liked their dynamic and I'm sad it's over.

I imagine many similar things could be said for kiryu and Tachibana, and it's certainly worth exploring if Tachibana paralleled kiryu and how. But I'm still fresh off the yakzua 0 game and I really honed in on majima and Makoto mostly because I found their feelings of caged and unable to act as relatable to things I'd been through more.

(And now that I'm playing Yakuza Kiwami I oddly find nishiki more relatable than I expected. Him all alone feeling guilty kiryu went to prison for him, then responsible for a sister's life he barely has any control over cause health and sickness put you at the mercy of luck, then compared constantly to ur "more perfect" old partner kiryu as the leadership sees you struggling. In like chapter 5 nishiki flashback gives us nishiki on the floor crying sorry and thank you for sparring me, and shaking and slamming his head into the floor and to me it looked like he was in a panic overwhelmed by stress too much to think clear. And it was so painfully relatable. I've been there exactly. And it's the rawest mist like an ordinary civilian we see most of these characters- nishikis been in a somewhat traumatizing parental relationship with his adopted yakuza dad just like kiryu that's controlling and demanding, then a bunch of other abusive leadership, then under stresses of having killed someone and not been able to admit it or process it or grieve, his loved one going missing and his other loved one hospitalized dying and other loved one in prison so no support. Amd he's been protected by kiryu before this so he hadn't been subjected to as much abuse and brutality as long as he did things Correctly but now he can't be perfect and he's juggling too much and hit with everything more and at once. Kiryu always bottles so he doesn't panic much Just gets violent and thoughtless at his most panicked and he went through that more in yakuza 0/probably even younger as soon as he joined yakuza since he probably messed up and face consequences more than nishiki and therefore learned to not do them. Majima was tortured and if he broke down it was then or vefore, so by the time we see him he's got his own coping mechanisms for enduring the brutality he deals with (which he further alters as he picks up other yakuza and peoples coping methods). Makoto likewise broke down before the events of the gamex and probably learned some coping skills from Lee afterward, and definitely took some of majimas once she met him and things got chaotic again. Then all the other yakuza are older leader characters who if they broke and couldn't handle stuff and it warped them, happened before the story starts. So like... nishiki is probably one of the most fresh breakdowns we actually witness, before the guy has broken so much he figured out how he'd function permanently like thst. And we see it through flashback. Meanwhile present day nishiki is an enigma so far to me and kiryu as he's broken so much he's now cutthroat. I just find... nishikis arc interesting and so raw and maybe puts some ppl off Because he's the most like how a regular civilian would cope going through all that with no support network. )

#yakuza #yakuza 0 #majima goro #majima x makoto #makoto #nishiki #kiryu x tachibana #idk i just found the makoto majima pair up as far as #scenes together. really highlighted their character arcs #im gonna miss it a lot

[bigenderteruki]

Bestie what are your hatori headcanons please please ur stuff is so cool

aaaaaa ty ok i have some general stuff n then some more sad things which i will put under a cut

Ok well he's also bisexual #slay

I think i posted about this before but i hc that he has a fear of the dentist. It's sort of a self fulfilling thing bc he scared which makes his powers act up and the dentist equipment go haywire which makes him even more scared.

Has a bit of spotty memory and uses a lot post it notes in order to remember stuff

He lives in a tiny shitty apartment with like barely any room. He does not have a pc setup he just has a shitty laptop that wills into having more ram with his powers. He doesnt even really play anything that needs it he just plays a lot of old games on emulators since theyre one of the few things he sort of remembers from childhood

Speaking of his apartment shimazaki is sort of his roommate. He sleeps on the couch and contributes nothing

I do think he really loved his drones and he was really sad when they got destroyed in the explosion at the end of the wd arc. He would buy more but does he look like can afford that

He does have a big old van that he got for cheap tho bc it doesnt actually work normally but if he uses his powers to drive it it goes anywhere he doesnt even need fuel. He can control it with his mind but he pretends to steer so he doesnt get pulled over

Ok here's some kinda sad things mostly involving claw. Might be a bit more messy but ye

There's another post that has a similar hc to mine, that hatori was one of those kids who were kidnapped by claw and forced to join and that his smugness is a coping mechanism of sorts

Shou says in the 7th division arc that everyone at HQ hated each other and. Yeah. I think claw hq was just a sad lonely place where everyone was mostly concerned with climbing ranks and you were lucky to have maybe one genuine connection with another person.

That's not to say he didn't bond at all the other guys in the super 5. He's clearly worried for minegishi in the wd arc for what will happen to them so going against toichiro. He seems terrified and i think he was possibly speaking from experience. Like he was brought in with some other esper kids and while he was able to keep toichiro pleased and stick around the others. Didnt.

My general hc(?) On the super 5 is that they were all brought into claw in very vulnerable times in their life (with the exception of shibata. Bc who thinks about shibata.) I think the super 5 wasn't just a collection of powerful espers but ones that 1. had the most latent energy for toichiro to absorb 2. Were easiest for him to manipulate

So yeah post claw hatori kinda still has problems connecting and stuff. He doesnt really have any friends at his job and just goes straight home after work to post garbage on internet forms.

He doesnt meet shiori again until after the ???% arc. His childhood is kind of a blur but he does have a vague memory of her. Shiori is kind of sad that he doesnt remember as much as she does but she's at least happy to find her friend again. Claw didnt really do given names so she's the first person in a while to call him "nozomu"

#asks #oc talk #tysm for asking aaaaa!!

[dread-and-despair-dyke]

oh? so u never had a thing since being like 7 yrs old where u were in ur imaginary land, imagining being with whatever book characters or tv characters were comforting to you, imagining being them or being with them as another character from their franchise? bc it helped u cope with the feelings of despair and self hatred? 

and then as life somehow kept getting worse as u got older, u became more reliant on that mechanism, until at like 12yrs old u were in imaginary land all the time every day, and it was at this point like living an entire other life because every minute of your life was spent pretending, otherwise u wldnt be able to feel even close to being ok? 

and it was as if u were writing some kind of shitty fanfic or somth in ur head all the time, but not exactly bc it was just using some character as a vessel for urself because u couldnt tolerate ur actual real self. and the content of the imagining wld be so many things, but all somewhat revolving around a character who was a soulmate or something like that, somebody who u cld have a deep connection with and b comforted by and not have 2 worry abt getting things wrong per se

and now it’s been over a decade and you’re just. fucked in the head. and real life is only anxiety inducing and shallow and u feel entirely disconnected from it, while ur own imagination can provide any gratification u need, but it’s getting old and ineffective and doesnt invoke any positive emotion anymore, youre numbed to it after a little over a decade of that kind of imagining

#deepthoughtsTM

[uncloseted]

hi, how are you? do you have any advice in how to get out of seasonal depression? or just when ur into a very bad phase

Yes! I have advice! First things first, seasonal depression is usually cyclical, so if you have any coping mechanisms that have worked in the past, try implementing them again. It sucks to keep having to deal with seasonal depression, but every time you experience it you'll have a little more information about what works for you to recover from it and you'll be able to pull out of it faster.

If you don't know what's worked for you in the past, don't worry! There are lots of different things you can try.

If you have access to a therapist, doctor, or psychiatrist, that's the first thing to try. They've seen lots of patients with seasonal depression before so they know what works, and they can offer you treatment options that you can't get on your own.

If you don't have access to a doctor, though, there are still things you can do.

If you're up to it, exercising will help a lot. One study found that 90% of people with depression who exercised for 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week had recovered from their depression at 10 weeks. This doesn't have to be super intense exercise- even just walking for 30 minutes will make a difference. If you can exercise outside, that will provide an extra benefit, since exposure to sunlight can help you feel happier.

Meditation is also a great option. Try a free meditation app like Headspace or Calm, or look for guided meditations on YouTube. Loving kindness meditations are my favorite, since they make you feel connected to other people and the world at large. Meditation helps teach you how to stay "in the moment", which is really important for people who have depression.

Try journaling about your feelings. Gratitude journaling, where you write down three things you're grateful for each day and why you're grateful for them, is especially good for depression, but any kind of practice where you get your thoughts out of your head is good. It doesn't have to be a written journal- it can be videos where you talk out your feelings (or even just talking to yourself). If writing down three things you're grateful for is too hard, there are lots of other gratitude prompts online that might work better for you.

Try to interact with people outside of your house. I know this one is hard, but feeling connected to other people helps to reduce depression. Volunteering is especially good for this, since you get to meet other people and you get to do something good for them. In psych studies, they find one of the things that makes people happiest is doing nice things for others.

Try to find a hobby, whether it’s reading, playing video games, knitting, baking, making art, doing makeup, taking online classes, playing music…anything that you can focus on is good.  Try setting little goals for yourself when it comes to your hobbies- it will help you to feel like you’re making progress.

Do your best to get 7-9 hours of sleep a night (no more and no less) on a regular time schedule, to eat meals regularly, and to keep up with hygiene. If cooking is hard for you, keep microwavable meals or snack bars in your house. If showering is hard for you, keep wipes on your bedside table that you can use to clean yourself. These sound like boring suggestions, I know, but they make a huge difference in mood.

Try taking Vitamin D supplements. The jury is still out on this one, but some research suggests that one of the reasons people develop SAD is because they don't have enough Vitamin D in their system due to lack of sunlight.

Finally, you can try light therapy. It has been shown to be an effective treatment for SAD specifically. You can buy a light therapy box on Amazon. You want one that emits blue enriched white light and is a minimum of 2500 lux. What an effective dose of light therapy looks like depends on the person. Studies have found effective doses ranging between 3,000 lux, 2 hours a day, for 5 weeks to 10,000 lux, 30 minutes a day, for 8 weeks, so if you go down this route, you may need to try a few different things to see what works for you. Make sure to follow clinical practice guidelines and use light therapy as recommended, as it loses its effectiveness if you're using it incorrectly. As many as 80% of people who use light therapy as a treatment for SAD find an improvement in their symptoms.

[reversecreek]

lily for magda (thinking about figs feeling evil), tulip for cricket, marigold for ziggy, chrysanthemum for bradley, belladonna for nyla

lily :   how does your muse view their mother ?  

magda doesn’t know a lot abt her mum. she knows vague snippets n details bt they’re all very elusive. it’s kind of a tricky subject where her mum’s concerned bc when she was younger she’d come up w all these assumptions abt how her mum was n who she’d be if she were with her but the rational part of magda was like..... u don’t know any of this. ur literally making things up. it’s kind of hard for a kid to have that vital person missing from their life n to resist the urge to fill in the blanks with their own projections so the space feels less empty. it’s like having a tooth missing n ur tongue always going back to poke at the spot in ur gum. there’s a constant reminder of loss in that. magda knows her mum liked to sing bc her dad said once she’d always sing to her belly when she was pregnant. this is a lot of the reason why magda has always cared so much abt music bc she took this fact in her fist n grasped it tight n never let go n in a way grew parts of herself around it. it’s like............. i feel like her mum dying in childbirth gave her lots of issues when it comes to her identity n like. who she is n who she wants to be.......... bc of magda’s issues w her dad i feel like she got into this habit growing up of rly putting who her mum could have been on a pedestal n basing everything around that.... she’d be like I’m More Like Her (a belief which was only accelerated bc her dad would drunkenly say she looked so much like her) n cling onto that so she liked herself more bc the other option was her dad who she loves but he’s also an incredibly flawed person n they hv a complicated relationship...... i think as she’s gotten older she’s realised her mum cld very well have been that way too n putting people on pedestals isn’t the way to go about things but. idk. as a kid she was kind of obsessed w this idea of her n this idea that her mum being gone was the beginning n end of everything wrong in her life. for the most part now magda accepts she never knew her n sometimes even feels stupid for grieving her at all bc she never knew her to grieve in the first place but. there’s a tiny part of magda tht still hangs on to the comfort of what she could have had n it’s obvious by the fact she still keeps a photograph of her folded up in her pillow. she loves the mum she made up in her head n she wishes she got to meet her. there’s this sense tht maybe then she wouldn’t feel like this culmination of missing parts more than a person if she’d had that in her life. sighs n lks away holding my dyed black emo bang.....

tulip :   how does your muse view people in general ?  

cricket is like. the strangest little anomaly of a person FGHKSFGHSFKGH bc like. u would rly think that after everything he’s been thru he would just have this absolutely jaded view of people and life in general and i wouldn’t even......... blame him for it if he did like. i’d understand completely bc he’s experienced A Lot of bad stuff. n yet somehow he just.... idk. i think i wrote in a reply once this comparison of cricket n a cockroach in the sense that they have this incredibly reinforced exoskeleton n even if they’re stomped flat they can keep living n bounce back from it n that’s very him but it’s more specifically the hope inside him. he has this little candle lit that good things can still happen midst all of the terrible things n i genuinely can’t see it snuffing out at any point even tho sometimes he might want it to. sometimes i think he even gets into these frames of mind where it jst infuriates the fk out of him bc in his head he’s like why do u even think good shit can happen when u have sm overwhelming evidence to the contrary but then he’s also like. look u can dwell on the bad or u can notice the way the light falls thru the leaves in the trees and u can think to urself inside ur head as u listen to someone u love talking abt something that makes them happy ‘hey this feeling is nice n there’s a dozen others like it’. idk. against all odds he’s an optimist. he has tinnitus in his left ear n sometimes he pretends the ringing is angels trying to talk to him. he likes to search for the silver linings in things to make them bearable n that’s how he gets by. obviously he knows there’s evil in the world n that a lot of people can be shit bc he has firsthand experience w that but he also believes there are people to serve as the antithesis to that n he wants to focus on them bc like. why give bad stuff the time of day. not necessarily always a positive coping mechanism (if u bottle up bad feelings n thoughts they leak thru one way or another aka his overwhelming anxiety) but like.... i think there’s a lot of bravery in that n i respect him for it i won’t lie. he cld have become very bitter bt instead he’s like that quote that’s like 'the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it'. suddenly slaps his little anxious rump (supportive) (affectionate)

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ?  how might they handle envious feelings ?  

it’s hard to say w ziggy............... i feel like he doesn’t want to think he’s prone to jealousy bc he’s like i’m literally a god wdym i simply wld never give a fk bc i know i’m above all else................. but like. do u actually believe that ziggy. do u. FKGJHKSJGHFGSHFGKSHGKFHG. he’s good at convincing himself at least........... has me fooled too most of the time. bt. thinks abt this.............. i feel like he doesn’t tend to get jealous over ppl he hooks up w a lot of the time bt there’s definitely a few select ppl he might.......... n then he doesn’t rly know what that feeling is bc he’s so unused to feeling it so he’s like wtf why am i so fking pissed off over the thought of this person fking that person? like literally doesn’t even. connect the dots n make the logical conclusion bc it jst seems so bizarre n nonsensical to him. rly is awful at working out his own feelings like. he cld just suddenly explode one day n have to smash a bunch of shit in a junkyard n after his chest is heaving n he has all this broken stuff around him n he’s just like yo wtf was that man forreal lmfaoooooooooo..... like he just doesn’t even get how his own emotions work it’s tragic n it’s men for u. w anxious feelings he represses them a lot he doesn’t rly understand what they r or know how to recognise them........... i honestly feel like he has a lot of anxiety surrounding his mum esp w her dating n like some of the guys they’ve both had to deal w that she’s dated in the past.......... i doubt he processes that healthily or expresses it healthily either..... probably contributes to the tensions between him n his mum they hv a lot of underlying issues that come out in the form of bickering n petty disagreements...... probably a huge contributor to him acting out so terribly in high skl was just all this pent up worried energy with no means of making sense of itself or like. place to go. like shaking a coke bottle over n over n finally having to crack the lid n let it fizz on something. i also think he probably swallowed a lot of jealousy growing up whenever other kids had gd relationships w their fathers or parents in general probably ws kind of like lmfaooooo yo why don’t mine love me like that. in his head...... so ya. i think he copes w anxious feelings by acting out n also fucking if we’re being honest......... it helps him let off steam <3 king of clapping cheeks ig....

chrysanthemum :   how does your muse express romantic love ?  how do they feel about love as a concept ?  

bradley is kind of hard to read romantically like from an outside perspective but slides on my thin rimmed spectacles n picks up my scalpel to delve right in to the nitty gritty of her brain... omg... that sounded... kind of scary actually but. it’s ok. basically settles in. bradley struggles to verbalise her feelings in this regard but also in a general sense honestly.... like she’s spent a lifetime having any vulnerable or negative feeling shut down....... her dad’s the type of personality where it’s like... u can’t win. even tho he’s narcissistic n thinks he’s a god if u compliment him or express affection he’ll act pleased but there’ll also be this register in his eyes where he thinks less of u for it. so this rly had a domino effect in bradley’s emotional expression in all grounds of life...... romance is probably the most frivolous concept to tony so bradley definitely internalised some of these views n wld feel stupid for ever taking anything seriously in that regard or rly investing herself..... she also just. idk. love has only ever left bite marks in bradley’s world so she’d kind of like ‘why wld i ever expose my tender spots n open myself up to someone just so they can sink their teeth in’. i will say tho that like. despite that she can in rare instances develop those feelings n it’s always like..... quite a struggle for her when she does. she doesn’t rly understand it or how to deal w it. she finds talking about it hard n she feels childish or weak in the eyes of whoever knows how she’s feeling. it takes a long time n a lot of work to earn it bt bradley in love is like. ur the only person on the planet who knows how gentle she can b. she’d literally like. touch the face of this one guy i wrote her being in love w when he was sad so gently it was shocking it ws like a love tht deep unlocked a whole other part of her she didn’t know existed. sex is a big part of her love expression jst like. a lot of it. so much. JHGSFKHGSFGKHFKGSHG let’s get it.......... she’s a ride or die n doesn’t do anything in halves. she has a nasty habit of pushing good things away n also wld probably do this to protect the other person bc her world is a never ending shit show with her father’s presence in every room even when he isn’t physically there. she wldn’t wna subject someone she loved to the danger of that bc she hates it enough herself so. idk. smiles w hand on hip. love isn’t something bradley thinks is on the menu fr her bc she’s only ever known it to be hard or mean n why bother trying when that’s the case. it feels like there’s always small print attached tht will hurt her in the end n nothing is free or genuine. very doomed outlook on love in general tbh.

belladonna :   how does your muse respond to silence ?   do they take comfort in soundlessness ,   or seek to fill the void with noise ?  

nyla honestly doesn’t mind silence at all........ they always wake up rly early in the morning no matter what time they went to bed. it’s like someone programmed an oven timer into their brain n often when they wake up at 6am or something they’ll go on walks around irving tottering in their own little world which is quite a quiet experience in itself when the rest of the world’s asleep........... always off on impromptu adventures they came up w on the spot.......... sometimes they get lost in their own train of thought too so they just randomly fall silent bc they’re having a whole conversation w themselves inside their head or like. writing a whole children’s story abt an iguana in a trench coat floating in a hot air balloon smoking a little vintage pipe all the way to peru. honestly for every 1 thing nyla says there’s about 4987295749572592745 things they don’t say tht are x100 times stranger n more nonsensical they sort of let it all drift thru their head like an open sieve for the most part. having said tht i think in order to sleep at night they probably need some sort of white noise or smthn................. it’s handy living in a beach house bc they just leave the window open to let the ocean gush bt sometimes if they’ve snuck into like. mido’s bed fr the night or someone’s bed idk the sound of them breathing works too................. they used to always sleep w bob ross playing on loop n that was rly comforting to them esp bc he reminds them a lot of their dad w his calming voice n energy.............. sometimes they’d have taken smthn n they’d literally hallucinate it as their dad instead of bob ross n this happened so many times in a row fr a period of time tht when they finally watched it sober they were like wtf since when did they recast my dad in this show...... KJHFGSHFGKSHFKGH but also. frowns... bit sad considering. 

#magda | memes #cricket | memes #ziggy | memes #bradley | memes #nyla | memes #death tw #grief tw #anxiety tw #fortyfivcs #drugs tw #abuse tw #i think thts all tws theyre like not covered in detail obviously bt still #i put under read more bc i wrote literal essays fr everything idk what happened to me.... #also thank u fr the ask sexy :yum:

[isadcrajade]

💀 * [ barbie ferreira + cis female + she/her ] —— have you met isadora oliveira ? they are a twenty-one year old sophomore currently studying fashion design & merchandising. they live on keating house, and word around campus is that this aries is loyal + warm, as well as self-objectifying + obsequious. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. chocolate covered strawberries, gothic platforms, lingerie under leather jackets.

hiii bbies it’s me (gabby) finally here again to post this finalized, messy version of isa’s intro! she’s a brand new never-been-played muse of mine so it’s def bound to be a bit more scattered & less developed than ezra’s, but also much shorter? so i mean there’s a bonus lmao alright here we go:

so isadora (also known by many nicknames such as isa, izzy, iz, & dora the explora if ur trying to piss her off vgbjhksjs) was definitely not brought up in a world of prestige and recognition like the one she’s become so accustomed to in attending holloway university

growing up in the small town of lisbon, maine the only reality isa knew during her childhood was that of living as the only child of a woman who was (TW) both a compulsive liar & and compulsive hoarder. their house was floor to ceiling with things her mom collected as well as garbage built up over time- her condition had already driven isa’s father out of the house when she was just three years old, and she never had a relationship with him as a result

she was still fairly young when she realized the true severity of her own situation, just how abnormal it was compared to that of her friends. she missed out on so many rights of passage during her upbringing like birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. for much of her life her own living space / bedroom were just as bad off as the rest of the house, given her mom’s inability to keep from passing her hoarding tendencies onto her daughter. isa simply didn’t know any better at the time. to her, that was normal.

not only was her mom a compulsive liar & hoarder but she was also extremely neglectful, often leaving isa to her own devices in the dangerous environment they called home. as a result of this she (TW ED) developed harmful coping mechanisms surrounding food, regularly overeating to combat negative feelings of loneliness, and this went on from the time she was just a little girl all the way until she was in high school

high school was rough in many ways- she suffered depression, anxiety, experienced bullying at the hands of the more popular kids for her weight & her mother’s financial situation, and was all around extremely isolated from her peers- the only person she really had to depend on was her cousin (WC) . she had so much respect and envy for her cousin, they had more of a sisterly dynamic than anything, she was just so gorgeous and everything she did just seemed so effortless, to the point isa couldn’t help but idolize her and consider her a best friend. 

like, remember when spongebob said he hoped that by being in squidward’s presence some of his artistic ability would rub off onto him? that was deadass isa & (WC) in high school jhbksnjs my girl was so sure if she just spent enough time with her she’d inherit some of her pretty & cool

high school was also where she reached a turning point when it came to her home environment, able to put a name to her mom’s condition after years of struggling with her strained and toxic relationship with her mom, and ultimately changed the rest of her life. she stayed the night at (WC’s) one night and after she fell asleep, isa stayed up watching TLC- it was there that she first discovered the TV show ‘hoarding: buried alive’ and realized there was a name for her mother’s infliction- but more importantly, learned that there was help available for her condition

when she went home to excitedly tell her mother that she’d basically discovered a cure, a means to change everything for them... she certainly hadn’t been expecting the reaction that came: her mom, who’d always been so indifferent toward her, so lethargic and uninterested in what she had to say, was suddenly listening very clearly- and she was not happy. isa had never heard her mom scream like that, had never really heard her express any heightened emotion, but it was in that moment at 17 years old, just a few weeks away from her 18th birthday, that she realized what she needed to do. she had no choice but to make plans to leave her mom behind.

the final weeks leading up to the big day she was counting on as a turning point consisted of her cleaning out her own space, little by little, enough that she had somewhere to set up her secondhand laptop and webcam. blowing out the candles on her 18th birthday cake came with wishing for a whole new life, and she was determined to make that for herself by any means necessary.

(TW SEX WORK) isa spent half her 18th year in her room working as a successful camgirl, showing everything but her face, & of course always being careful not to dox herself. she eventually earned enough money to start buying herself nicer clothes, but it didn’t take her long to realize she wanted more from life than just rotting away in her hometown. she bought herself a higher quality webcam to keep making money... and a nice sewing machine, something she’d always dreamed of owning. 

all her life she’d been drawing and sketching as a means of escapism, it’d always been therapeutic to her to be creative and conjure up unique designs for outfits in her mind, drawing models in all shapes and sizes to represent her fantasy outfits. but she never felt like a visionary, even though anyone with an eye for fashion who got a look at her work could see that she had the natural talent and potential to be. 

isa had been an a straight-A student her whole life despite having almost no support at home from her mother growing up, and with plenty of encouragement from (cousin WC), she plucked up the courage and applied for holloway university, with ivory falls being far enough from her hometown of lisbon, but still in the same state so that she could go and see her mother from time to time (bc although their relationship is quite strained now, she still loves and worries about her)

the next summer she received her acceptance letter at holloway u for the coming fall semester, and the fact that she’d been able to make it into such a prestigious school made her feel so proud of herself that she completely underwent a massive arc of character development; evolving into someone so much more confident. realizing that plenty of people found her desirable as she continued to earn money through cam shows had been part of that transformation, but realizing she was talented enough to get accepted into the fashion design and merchandising program at her dream school had a completely different effect on her. 

( TW BODY IMAGE ISSUES ) isa decided that as she entered college, she was no longer going to be the meek, insecure girl constantly playing the role of the doting, loyal fat best friend to the ‘prettier main characters’ she’d always been sidekick to- she told herself that she was the main fucking character in her life from here on, and has spent her entire college experience up to this point just,, navigating as she figures out what that really means to her

still has a terrible underlying tendency to be overly-loyal and a bit obsessive with girls she closely befriends, if she has any kind of jealousy towards them. but ! is a lot more confident than she used to be, and it shows in the way she dresses and carries herself, as well as in her long-term goals (to transfer to FIDM for her final years of university)

( TW ED MENTION ) as a young adult, she’s mostly she’s replaced the compulsion to deal with her body image issues by using food to cope that she had as a teenager... by using sex to cope instead, so she’s definitely a bit promiscuous but does her best to keep that Her Own business 

personality-wise she has a massive heart & is loyal to a fault but is also wild AF & loves a good time! never rly dabbled in drugs until she got to college but since then has acquired an interest in trying everything under the sun, even if it’s just one and done. mostly though she just likes to get really drunk & stupid. used to feel like she was constantly living in her cousin’s shadow, & in some ways she still does, but she’s trying hard to make herself believe that she’s reached a place where she won’t be playing second fiddle to anyone, ever again

i’m gonna shut the hell up now & stop pretending i know this character better than i do bc i deadass do not jbhnjss like she’s literally brand new so lemme go head & leave plenty of room for development!

same story as ezra i’ll have a full connections page posted for her soon but in the meantime some ideas i have are: friends, frienemies, ex friends, high school bullies, classmates, old high school friends, people she gets fuckt up with on the reg, people she hooks up with on the reg (any gender, she’s bisexual / biromantic), someone she had a crush on in high school / has pined for from afar maybe?? someone who used to watch her cam shows?? someone she almost kinda dated but Not? someone who she hooked up with while they were dating someone else?? idk that’s what i have for now but there’ll be more where that came from <3 xoxo like this or hmu !

#holloway.intro #this is a hot ass mess #but i'm rly excited to finally play her x

[vldsakai-blog]

and i’ve finally joined the four muses club. this time, let me introduce you to sakai manalo-tanaka, also known as kai or saweol, the lead dancer, lead rapper, vocalist and maknae of mon:star! here is his bio (tw death mention), public profile and private profile. you can also find a few very vague open connections here. if you’d like to plot, just give this a like and i’ll come to you!

sweet filipino-japanese baby. 

born in the philippines, moved to japan when he was a year and a half years old.

his parents were never together, he was the result of a fling between coworkers. his father and step mother were on a break when his mom got pregnant, but got back together not long after.

his immediate family consists of mother, father, step mother, half brother and half sister.

TW DEATH MENTION

when he was seven his mother passed away suddenly and it kind of broke something inside him. his step mom wanted him to come live with them but his father said no, saying it would be too expensive to have three kids in the house.

END TW

his step mom wanted to take him in after that, but his father said it would be too expensive because they already had two teenagers in the house so he ended up getting shipped to busan to live with his maternal grandmother.

meanest woman in the world. the first korean word sakai learned was ‘hAjImAaAa’ bc she used to pull him by his ear and tug his hair when she thought it was too long.

loved him like her own son tho.

ended up going to the atlas auditions in busan because a friend was going and didn’t want to audition alone. 

was super surprised when he was taken, even though he’d been practicing since they announced the autitions.

he was made the maknae of mon:star, and he did everything to prove to his hyungs that he deserved to be there. he worked so hard, sometimes to his own detriment. in their first year after debut, he almost passed out on stage more than once because he pushed himself too hard.

2016 was............rough. the mon:star lawsuit hit him hard. being a non korean member, there was pressures from both sides to join the lawsuits and to denounce it. being barely nineteen, he had no way of emotionally dealing with all of that, so he kinda shied away from the limelight really bad around this time.

this is also around the time that his stage name was changed. from debut to now, he’d been known as kai but it was changed to saweol to make him seem closer to the rest of the group.

very much considered leaving mon:star at this point. he’s still not sure why he stayed.

since then, he’s kinda gone off the deep end. he still works hard and gives his all to mon:star (and mon:unique) but he’s also..... a Mess. covered in tattoos. from his neck to his hands. they were all done impulsively, which has been a pain for the mon:star staff to deal with.

honestly someone just Help Him

RANDOM TRIVIA

speaks too many languages. spanish is his mother tongue but he can speak japanese and english fluently. his korean isn’t bad bad any sense of the word, but he’s clearly not a native speaker. his tagalog is also bad, since he doesn’t have anyone to speak with anymore.

used to have Big Maknae Energy but has really quieted down since 2016. during interviews and variety shows, he’ll only speak when spoken to directly

also really dumbs himself down in front of cameras. he’s not sure why he started doing it, but it’s kinda just stuck. 

super impulsive and chaotic, but it’s all a coping mechanism. he’s never really dealt with how the mon:star controversy affected him, nor does he even know how.

loves his mon:star hyungs so much. he does. even if he tests their patience on the daily.

says he hates skinship. says it all the time. yet the number of pictures of him all over his hyungs?? literally endless. What Is The Truth

also kinda commitmentphobic. no, he doesn’t wanna talk about it.

also u can look at his pinterest if ur interested. tw anxiety mention, depression mention, smoking, alcohol, bruises, cats, wrist, and like, a general sakai tw.

#honey's back with their needlessly long intros wooooo #vldintro

[silverjirachi]

Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?

Hi there!  I considered not answering this because I don’t want to fan flames or stir discourse because I don’t want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences.  But honestly your ask isn’t worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so I’m going to answer it. But I probably won’t answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes.  If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it.  Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone.  I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and I’m writing this in case there’s a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.

With that disclaimer aside...,

Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman.  I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity.  But it’s the same as any other identity.  How do you know you are a woman?  Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with?  Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever?  Did it come to you through your body?  I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but can’t really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries.  And I know people who 100% DON’T identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why.  It doesn’t even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity.  A lot of our language just doesn’t have the words to describe such an internal experience.

It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth.  From what I can tell, that’s what a lot of this really relies on.  I don’t think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience.  I’m sure they’re out there.  But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our “femaleness-” our ASSIGNED femaleness.  (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- it’s true, I was socialized as a female bc that’s what my body “looked” like and that’s just what our society assumes).  But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories.  That’s at the core of intersectionality.  Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways.  People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.

I also have body dysphoria, and it’s true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life).  But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities.  Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and woman’s experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and it’s also quite limiting with the way our society is changing.  This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth.  This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.

I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it.  I think that’s why feminism and gender studies get lumped together.  A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism.  I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but we’ve shifted in understanding and context since then.

And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman.  I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic.  (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around).  And isn’t inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say that’s the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical.  But over time, I just started to change.  Nothing traumatic happened, I’ve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, it’s not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed.  Just my own internal view of myself.

I also got the words for gender euphoria.  And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt.  While it’s true gender roles shouldn’t exist, just like any other role or label, it’s different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them.  As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it.  It’s fucked up in the first place, don’t get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didn’t.  But some people who didn’t still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf.  I had “woman” thrust upon me, didn’t identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a “woman” without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISN’T), still didn’t feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman.  What does happen to me, however?  I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy.  That makes me feel like I’m being really seen.  I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and that’s why it feels so fucking good.  I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell.  Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I don’t have to justify that to anyone.

So TL;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I won’t deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried.  I’ve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I don’t think it’s denying history if we’re building from it, gender roles are fucked up.  I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but that’s why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience you’re talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks.  In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then we’ll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.

TL;DR;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that i’m mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it won’t change the fact that I’m a boy-something and it won’t change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to.  This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.

Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please don’t clown in these notes if it spreads.  I’m tired enough about this as it is today.  I’m tired enough about fucking gender as it is.  We’re all fucking tired.  What I’ve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.

#gender stuff #discourse #seriously i know people are gonna comment on this but i wanted to share it bc i thought it was important to say #but i REALLY don't want other people wrapped up in MY OWN issues and identity #anon #asks

[desolationlovers]

oh yall thought i was done x posting? lol. kamui character rant under the cut

the thing about kamui is i dont know that hes a very deep character??atleast not how clamp has written him and esp not in the manga.

he spends a lot of the manga being confused and often manipulated. and hes really just a kid.

his first big character arc is debastardization basically. when hes introduced hes a TOTAL asshole (the anime added scenes to make him more of a dick at the start but also has a bit of an explaination? ill get to it). hes shown as very rude to everyone around him, yelling at people to get out of his way or get lost, including his previous friends. hes also shown to have absolutely no care for his surrondings and regularly fights and uses his powers in places where bystanders could be injured and leaving roads bridges or nearby buildings in ruins. when confronted about the latter by hinotos knight (his name is saiki) he straight up says he doesnt care if anyone gets hurt. which i mean ok nothing wrong with a character being an asshole. the extreme in your face way kotori and fuuma describe kamui as a kid being very shy and Very quiet and gentle makes this characterization confusing but hey people can change i guess. the confusing part is that as kamui slowly beings to let his guard down he says that the big reason he was so standoffish especially wrt kotori and fuuma was because he wanted to keep them at a distance so they wouldnt get involved with all the end of the world stuff. which makes sense obviously! kamui was absolutely aware of how dangerous it might get. his entire plan was to get the shinken (the sacred sword) and bail because he didnt want any part of any of it. what i dont get is why he was totally cool with bystanders being injured or killed. during his fight with saiki they were in a neighborhood! on people roofs and shit!! saiki is the one to lead them to an abandoned construction site so no one gets caught in the crossfire. and kamui almost kills saiki!!! which i will let slide a bit because kamui was being followed and had been attacked by spells literally that morning. but later on he apologizes to saiki but never explained his reasoning why he didnt care about destroying peoples houses??? and its never brought up again?????? also theres a scene added to the anime where he kicks the shit out of kotori and fuumas dad??? because he wouldnt give kamui the sword?? bro thats ur best friends dad you jackass!!!!!

in the anime they added flashbacks for the time after he moved away from tokyo which i think make his whole character make much more sense. when he first moves and goes to a new school he accidentally uses his powers and makes everyone afraid of him. fast forward past elementary school to high? school? its unclear. at school hes a lazy slacker that never goes to class and never talks to anyone, big ol loner. he sees that a local gang has been stealing kids money and beating them up. so he decides to put on a tough guy persona and confront the gang telling them to knock it off and scaring them shitless with some fun ass kicking psychokenesis. now i am SO on board with this addition. kamui being ostrisized for being weird and scary when hes already a super shy kid, so he embraces this scary intimidating image and tries using it for good because hes still ultimately kind hearted. he gets too absorbed in this tough guy persona that he loses touch with the original purpose of it and just uses it as a shield because he himself is afraid and confused. and maybe even hiding behind it because hes so afraid of having this huge destiny that he doesnt know if he can live up to and how can someone who decides the fate of the world be just some quiet oversensitive guy.

except all of that is my own speculation and analysis because they really do not go into ANY detail about this. i wouldnt say its to the point where it feels like they just flipped a switch and hes nice now but it def feels like that. and it annoys me because after he kind of apologizes for being a dick it doesnt really get brought up again?? i think he broods over it once or twice. but i would have really liked to see flashes of it coming back in high stress situations or something? he has a lot of points of grief and depression but its always meloncholic rather than angry and it really makes him feel like two different characters i wish it was way more of a mix.

anger would also be good with the whole overarching theme of trying to break out of the path destined for you. its constantly said that theres only one future by the dreamgazers although hinoto wants to change it. its supposed destined that kamui will lose and earth will be destroyed. anger but more importantly PASSION is whats needed break out of what has been preordained and to carve your own path. passion is also whats needed for the main part of the second half of kamuis character arc, figuring out what it is he REALLY wants. what his true wish is.

i also think anger could have been a good inverse to the deliberate mirroring of kamuis character and subarus character. subaru really represents despair and being completely swallowed by grief. his story is that the man he fell in love with (named seishiro) was just manipulating him for fun and is actually an emotionless assassian. subaru is so destroyed by this realization he goes into a depression and because of this is unable to save his sister being killed by seishiro. his goal is literally to be enough of a nusance to seishiro that hell kill him. literally he wants to be acknowledged as important enough to bother killing. its pointed out often how subaru and kamui are so similar, with how fuuma killed kotori, and how theyre both kindhearted ro a fault. its an intentional reflection. subaru even pulls kamui out of a similar depressive state after kotori dies. he and kamui have a whole heart to heart about how some peoples happiness can look pitiful to others and how hes going to fufill his goals even when other people are worried for him. and most importantly about how not everyone can be happy with an outcome. i think it would have been really good for subaru to represent someone overcome with depression about how awful the world is and paralyzed with that sadness and kamui would be the rightous anger and compassion needed to actually change the world. “lets this radicalize you rather than lead you to despair” you know? it would have been a really good parallel considering part of x’s themes are literally about having compassion for humanity. but that reading possibly shoots itself in the foot because the language used wrt the two possible futures are things to stay as they are or for a “revolution” to occur, meaning killing everyone to let the earth heal. so ideas of change are insinuated to be connected with the seven angels and genocide. which uh. not going to get into that.

i do like when he starts going to the clamp school he goes back to being shy and quiet and kind of gets pushed around by people with more force of personality. very fun uncomfortably relatable. its ok man im extremely passive too.

anyway final thoughts kamui needs more passion. clamp give me the rights. also let subaru and kamui hang out and have a brotherly bond. no creepy shit. just subaru being an akward older brother that knows what kamuis going thru and gives bad advice bc he has god awful coping mechanisms.

side note we arent ever told about his likes/dislikes hobby or anything of that nature. the blankest of slates. so my city now. i think hes into obscure indie music and has thousands of hours in various life sim games like animal crossing and stardew valley.

#lees posts #forgot to post this last night #clamp posting

[mercuriial]

hello i’m back w another lsdkfjsdf this is seb !! his entire personality is that he is dumb n owns a diner. thank u for comin to my tedtalk. as always , if u want to plot then like this / IM me / msg me on discord !!

TW: DEATH !

✎⌠rami malek. cismale. he/him⌡❝ — well, look who’s just arrived ! if it isn’t the one and only sebastian amer. though, around here they’re known as the rogue. don’t tell ‘em i said this but the thirty-four year old restaurant owner kinda has a reputation of being detached and egocentric. but y’know, they can be open-minded and flamboyant too. typical gemini. anyways, welcome home and stay safe sebastian ! ❞ ↷ jin. 18. she/her. pst.

BACKGROUND

born n raised in misty hollow !! has literally never left the state ! this place is his entire world ( not in a sentimental way ... it’s just all he’s known )

seb was born as the middle child with an older n younger sibling , all boys ! very chaotic. but basically it’s ur typical story where the middle kid was never rly noticed ,, his older brother made lots of dumb decisions ( which seb learned from hehe ) while his younger one was the overachiever of the family n his parents basically bowed down 2 him while seb just kinda got by

like ,, nobody ever had any high hopes for him. his parents wanted to make something of his older brother in spite of him bein awful, and they already knew his younger brother was going places n it was just kind of ... accepted that seb was the mediocre one

so uh,, he did the usual . did whatever to get attention ( also because he knew he wouldn’t get any, his parents always just wrote him off as seb bein’ seb and saw him as a lost cause ), annoyed the shit out of everyone for fun , had imaginary friends n generally did whatever it took to not be taken seriously .

he was close with his mom tho !! like it was mostly his dad who was ,, super shitty n disappointed in seb . his mom was still always really encouraging n was kind of the one person he could actually talk to 

n then when he was seventeen his mom died of a stroke :( n it was so AWFUL . like the one person he had ?? gone !! n now he was stuck in a house w his dad n brothers, none of whom cared much for him at all 

he barely graduated high school , would come home late all the time ( or just not ), basically just like ... perpetuating the cycle of people thinking very little of him. went to jail a few times for things like stealing , vandalism, stuff like that

his dad’s retired now n he’s been passed down the hollow diner !! he’s been running it for quite a while now , n worked there beforehand so it’s pretty much been his entire life. this diner is the one thing he cares abt , like ever since he became the owner of it , he’s put so much time n work into it to make it something that is his and not just his dad’s !  he will do dumb shit until 4 in the morning but will always show up to work the next day 

don’t rly know what else 2 say because his life has been boring like . his life is literally tied to misty hollow - he’s never been anywhere else ,,  he’s just done .... not much with his life other than dumb stuff that rly doesn’t matter in the grand scale of things ( in his opinion ) 

PERSONALITY

seb has a moral compass but just doesn’t ,, use it ?? like he knows he’s a shitty person but at this point he thinks it’s a bit too late 2 turn it around n what else would keep his existence afloat if not for doin dumb things n getting people angry ! 

claims he has never been in love but also falls in love a little bit with every person he meets <3 like he will see a pretty girl n think she is the prettiest girl he has ever seen in this world n then stay up all night thinking about her ... until he sees the next pretty girl

but this doesn’t mean he’s a ROMANTIC ,, he’s just obsessive ? in all aspects really

very Very Avoidant . bad coping mechanisms . if he sees conflict he will a) just act completely normal like it’s not happening or b) run the other way n try 2 forget abt it 

he’s fuckin’ annoying but mostly just self-destructive ?? like never INTENTIONALLY gets in the way of other people ,, ofc he’ll be annoying but on a serious note , he doesn’t want 2 hurt other people ever . he just doesn’t care about himself v much

makes up random weekly specials at the diner hehe

WANTED CONNECTIONS

ok ok ok give me . a best friend who is down for anything ,, they just hype each other up n it’s chaotic but it’s fun !!

people who do not Like him . there r so many ways we could go with this !!

an EX !! i REALLY really want an ex that he was so super in luv w but they left ,, to leave misty hollow n move onto better things

friends w/ benefits ! he would have so many of these n there are so many different dynamics we could do !

regulars at the diner !! secretly seb always looks forward 2 their daily run-ins n he remembers their orders ,, probably sit around n talk for hrs sumtimes hehe

people who seb can be serious w !! even with these people ,, the serious moments would be few n far between but still , give me vulnerability ! 

anything !!!!! i am so open n excited <3 

#misty.intro

[alittledizzy]

tell me ur r+e feelings

You were pretty vague so I’m just gonna dump some targeted feelings at you. My big reddie fixation lately is the idea I’ve seen written in more than a few high school era fics, this concept of them being together without being together - that as they grew into their later teen years their relationship took on a certain form and shape that neither of them were brave enough to ever put a name to but that was still what it was and allowed them to be who they were.

Because they loved each other. They were special. Special enough for Richie to carve Eddie’s name on a bridge. Special enough for Richie to be the one that got Eddie’s last words (in the sewers last words in the sewers not his last words ever la la la optional canon is optional) Special enough for Richie to feel comfortable at thirteen calling Eddie cute cute cute and taking Eddie’s face in his hands when Eddie was in pain and reaching for hugs.

In my mind as they got older, the same seeds we see sewn in the first movie matured with them. he heat between them, the feisty nature didn’t mellow but got stoked by the dose of hormones. Everything just took on an element of more but also deeper and also all the other teenage things: insecurity, awkwardness, a deep-seated fear of being something everyone else wasn’t. I imagine them constantly butting heads to make sure the other was still paying attention, sometimes aggressively, sometimes desperately. And I think they always got that reassurance they were looking for. Bickering on the hammock turned into bickering on a sofa at movie nights, arguing about everything from what movie to get to who actually owes the late fees on the Blockbuster account they basically shared to what kind of snacks to get to which blanket to curl up under.

I think as they grew out of childhood the ways in which they were impacted by the things in their life probably also narrowed down the chances that anyone else could come between them. No one else would know what they’d been through with the clown but even beyond that - Eddie was a kid in an abusive home. It’s nice to imagine that his thirteen year old gazebo rebellion ended his issues but clearly they didn’t, considering the path he took after Derry. My personal headcanon is that things at home just got worse, that the closer he was to independence the more overbearing and manipulation his mother was.

Then I think about Richie; the person who, beyond anything else, was good at loving Eddie. I think about Richie being the person to calm Eddie down and soothe him when Eddie’s anxiety started to spiral. If maybe Eddie had those moments where he felt like everything was his fault, like he really was sick, like he really was a bad son, it was Richie he turned do. I don’t imagine the words were said out loud often (maybe ever) but I think Eddie showing up in Richie’s room with shaking hands and a caged look on his face was enough. I think Richie’s skill was unwinding the tight strings of tension choking Eddie and reminding him that it’s okay to just breathe, that there’s someone in his life who isn’t asking any more from him than that.

Maybe the other Losers saw the developing connection between them between them but my personal thought is that they didn’t. They were teenagers in the late 80s; ‘gay’ was something bullies flung slurs at you over or at best you saw on tv when the newscasters talked about that men dying. I think the other Losers were probably ignorance in an innocent way, on their end, but damaging still. There’s a reason his sexuality was Richie’s secret at 13 - he probably hadn’t heard a single person in his actual small, hate-steeped town to indicate that being gay was alright. And the truth is that maybe the Losers would have all been okay with it (certainly I embrace that interpretation in fic) but maybe they were still young enough to parrot the prejudices of their parents or their religions. For Richie and Eddie I think self-hate was a helluva drug and they didn’t want to risk adding anything else to it.

So they had each other. They had sleepovers past the age when boys were supposed to have sleepovers. They had Richie falling asleep with his head on Eddie’s shoulder or in his lap. They had Eddie curling up tucked in close to Richie’s body on nights that were too cold. They had long days spent at the quarry doing more talking than skipping rocks, those secret conversations the rest of the world didn’t get to hear. Maybe they kept going to the clubhouse years after everyone else abandoned it, and they’d still cram their too-long bodies into the hammock. Maybe they didn’t fit so well on opposite ends anymore and they gave up the pretense at some point and just laid their side by side together flipping pages of the same old comic book or sharing headphones on a Walkman. 

But either way, I think they weren’t lonely and that’s because they had each other, and I think even if as teenagers they never kissed or held hands or went to a school dance together or said the words love you. Just because they just didn’t know that was a door they had the power to open together, that doesn’t mean they ever doubted what they meant to each other and that feeling - that sense of having a Person that they didn’t have anymore and that everything else was just making do as a coping mechanism against life - is what lingered like a thought just on the tip of their tongue for thirty years. 

#anon asks #reddie asks #tw childhood abuse #Anonymous

[nerdgul]

Could you explain the brain receptor thing and unmonitored internet usage?? I wasn’t monitored either and now I’m gay but like what else this shit do

i certainly can 

first off ill start by saying the internet didn’t make you gay. it may have opened you up a bit  and gave you more info on the subject, but thas you own shit my dude. good shit, but yours

and secondly, its way to late for me to be scouting academic articles n shit so this is gon be more of a long winded rant than anything proper. and even simplifying it down this is gonna get long and be badly spelled so sorry in advance (especially to mobile users who don't gets a keep reading break) 

*** now for the tldr; you may not have been monitored but things are significantly different than it was a decade ago. internet addiction is a much more prevalent and real problem. addiction of any kind fucks up how your brain chemistry. today’s tech is essentially heroin for kids and children do not understand the concept of self control. 

so children brains are not fully developed when they come out, but we’re learning and making connections from day 1. thing is is that when a connection is made it pretty damn hard to sever. even as an adult unlearning shit is a lot harder than learning it and when ur a kid your learning shit constantly and it gets cemented way faster. so essentially what happens to your brain in childhood will be pretty damn hardwired into you forever. (there exceptions of course but were talking habits and brain chemistry here) 

which means it’s super fucking easy to get a toddler addicted to shit. like stupid insanely easy. they're little fucking suckers for some sweet sweet pavlovian conditioning.  

but what qualifies as an addiction? a lot of people debate whether or not things like video games/internet can qualify as a legit addiction cause they aren’t chemicals that directly impact the brain but are instead things that cause your brain to produce its own feel good chemicals that still fuck up your brain. but they cause all the same reactions in the end. 

basically the internet make you feel good. you want to feel good all the time. you fuck up your dopamine receptors by overloading them with cat videos. it takes more internet to get the same good feel. you start avoiding other less pleasurable parts of life (school, family, sunlight). bam, addiction. 

i’ve seen toddlers that had symptoms compared to actual meth junkies, the only difference is that when a toddler has a screaming crying raging fit over not having their fix its seen as ‘kids just being kids’ and many parents will roll their eyes and to get them to shut up will just let the kid have 5 more minutes of screen time… or 50. but thing is, that shits not normal. sure tantrums every now and then happen but it is the responsibility of the parent to help their child regulate screen time because children are not yet developed enough to self regulate shit.   

this is especially bad for video games. it might seem harmless enough to hand over some phone game to your kid while your busy running errands to keep em quiet but mobile games are designed to be colorful busy give constant achievements and keep you playing (so you’ll watch more ads or pay more money). its overstimulation and the child doesn’t even realize it, instead they see anything outside the game as being the ‘too much’ and lash out at the parent trying to get their attention instead. 

and beyond the part of addiction too much screen time has also been linked to lack of sleep, delayed speech development, and poor social skills. 

babies literally need to be touched or they’ll die. lack of eye contact at a young age can fuck up their sense of self and connections to others. so if your a parent looking at your phone instead of your kid it already is teaching them the phone is more important. and when they finally get to the screen they will also start prioritising it over socialising  and i cannot stress enough how fucking important regular social contact with children is. they need it to develop right. seriously just look up ‘feral children’ and see what happens (granted those are worst of the worst cases but even self inflicted isolation still isn’t good for anyone). 

so what does poor social skills and a fucked up domaine receptor get you???  DING DING DING, LIFELONG DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!! a slu of mental health issues just waiting to feed on them poor deep fried serotonin nuggets.  

now im not saying internet gives people depression. that would be a gross oversimplification of the subject. and in many studies its been shown the correlation (wich is very high btw) between internet usage and depression is because internet attracts people with pre-existing depression but when talking specifically about children who dont already have these issues its a different story. 

however if you were born in the 1990s to early 2000s you have a different story than children today. so far i’ve been talking about mostly toddlers who use modern tech (phones, kids tablets ect). millennials and early gen z era were a little special having grown up with this technology but in such a way it was much harder for us to abuse it. sure there were some kids who would play webkinz for 5 hours a day and live in front of the TV, but there would also only be a single computer in the house which the whole family shared, and the internet was probably slow so it was a lot harder for this generation to have these kinds of issues. TVs also had to be shared and had regular commercials and reruns so your get bored and go outside sometimes. no constantly continuous streaming of any new content at your fingers. things just.. didn’t need to be monitored as closely back then. 

thats not to say it didn't need to be monitored at all, but more so issues with technology were less likely to happen or developed to a far lesser extent. it’s also why i see a lot of millennials defending the internet. making memes about overprotective moms being worried about video games n shit. They dont relize just how different things are and what that means.

but the reality is technology as it is today is much different. everything wants your attention all the time and growing up in a world where you get your very own touch screen device at a young age to do with whatever you please, that opens the door to a lot more potential issues and they’re things we shouldn’t ignore. 

and thats not even getting into the specific types of content children could be consuming or the effects of social media and internet culture has on older children and teens. but thats a whole other rant. 

anyway if its requested ill make a more informed fully sourced post to tackle any particular subject with more depth, lord knows i’ve still glossed over about a million other parts of the topic, but for now hope this helps. ps; if anyone wishes to add on/correct me/phrase something better please feel free to doso    

#applesauc-y #internet addiction #nerdstuff #asks

[tossertozier]

you mentioned possibly doing a ben or mike writing guide.. would you.. be willing to post a mike one. i'm plotting a fic and im struggling to get my mans down?? also i think abt ur fics weekly bare minimum.

hi there!!! i did my best. i tried to not sound preachy or like a know it all bc y’all know i can barely write. i hope this is helpful in some way!! disclaimer of of course this is all just my opinion & there’s no wrong way to write, you’re the only person who can tell your story!!

[[MORE]]

i think the first really important decision you have to make as Person Writing Mike is his

family & background

-are both of his parents alive?

-if yes, what’s their relationship like?

-if no, who’s his primary caretaker? what’s their relationship like?

-if no, when did they die? did he cope well with it? what’s his relationship with their memory like?

these are really really where you gotta start to write mike imo. or any character! i think one thing stephen king is to be admired for is he doesn’t neglect the parent-child relationship as so many people who write youth do. your parents are the most important people in your life for a long time. i don’t think there’s a wrong or ooc way to answer the above questions tbh. canon has really left a wide open field for you to run amuck in.

(example: i’ve mentioned in the past that my & tfat mike being a small adult is no mistake and intentional. it’s a bit of a throwaway scene, but i mention in on pointe that mike’s parents are coming. it’s intentionally done there too. mike is goofier, more outgoing, more immature in general in that fic in the small bits he’s in & that’s all a response to his familial life. )

culture + friendships

after you answer those questions, important follow up questions are:

-are the losers his first set of friends?

-how much social exposure has he had?

-has he dated? who is he attracted to?

-who influences him? (celebrities, family, culturally)

-what are his cultural interests? what does he do in his free time? how would that impact how he interacts with the rest of the world?

again, no wrong way to answer these. i’ve seen a super broad spectrum of indirect answers to these questions. even thinking about where he might pick up patterns of speech can make him feel much more like a realized character. i’ve noticed some people dip fully into aave to an extent that doesn’t even seem logical in their character’s current situation & it can really seem like a caricature, but i think to write mike without any sense of aave at all is a little ?? too. just be cognizant of it is my only real advice here. it doesn’t so much matter as long as you don’t forget who mike is which next point

humor & personality

-what do you think he would find (shows, comedians, youtube videos) really funny?

-does he have something he quotes often? something he started saying ironically but never stopped?

man i know i’m all there’s no wrong way to write mike !! in this post but i will say real quick that i think mike is funny and i don’t really respect depictions of him where he’s not. i think this is where the movies really just fucked up. book mike drops some of the funniest lines of the book. and honest to god tip is to write out a scene as you feel the urge too, look away for five minutes, look back and give half of richie’s lines away. (or... dialogue.) this sounds like a joke but it was what i did when i first started writing & tfat

i’d always be like “n the funny part goes... to richie.” and thats a fandom inclination too. nooooo. avoid this trap. it doesn’t even make sense. have u ever been in a friend group where only one person... makes jokes? that’d be genuinely so weird. especially bc if you give the joke away to someone else, you can also build on it. amazing things start happening when u start thinking of the characters in flexible patterns. like for example, i almost always give absurdist humor to stan now. wholesome to ben.

mike’s humor is largely situational to me. solid comedic timing & he’s an observant person. sometimes i read back my own writing & have to change the pov bc richies making jokes about things he would never ever notice to make fun of. mike would. mike genuinely sees all. i think he’s just got one of the most analytical brain of the losers. & i think intelligence is subjective and people are smart in different ways but i think it’s foolish to write him as anything other than incredibly intelligent both academically and emotionally. he’s just a natural observer and pattern notice-er. which brings me to my next mike thing:

love & selflessness

i think the biggest part of mike being harder to flesh into a fully realized person is the fandom tendency to make him kind and nothing else. here’s mike. he’s nice. next. bc the book kind of points out his selflessness in his decisions and it makes itself one of his strongest character traits.

especially bc nice seems to trump him having any other emotions. ...no?

i believe in general, but ESPECIALLY in the case of mike, that kindness is a choice. it’s one i genuinely believe he’d make, over & over again. but a choice he makes. he gets annoyed with his friends being annoying like anyone else would. he gets hurt when he feels left out. he feels tired & anxious & hungry and all those other human things. sometimes he might not let it show outwardly, but there’s a difference between that and not giving him feelings at all.

people are selfish. it’s a defense mechanism. it’s to protect us. it’s not a bad thing. we think of how the world impacts ourselves first. we don’t always act upon those thoughts or voice them, but don’t forget to let mike have them. he doesn’t need to be happy for his friends all the time, or rooting for them or supportive. he should have his own things going on.

also. mike’s not a doormat. yes, he stays in derry. but those were life-death consequences for generations of children. it’s really not comparable to almost any decision mike would make in a pennywise free universe. yes, he made a sacrifice in the book but i don’t think he’d just lay himself down in any given universe to whatever fate wants to hand him. but this is where i end this topic bc i’m actually only barely beginning to get to this topic in my own fic!

it’s hard writing the losers young sometimes bc i do feel relationships are naturally a little unbalanced based on basic maturity levels as young people. sometimes friendships just are unbalanced bc of who people are at that time. everyone involved can still be good people in these relationships. it’s about growing together and learning how to be good friends to each other.

for example, in &tfat: certain losers are always checking in with others. others are really wrapped up in their own shit and don’t really notice what bothers the others. it would probably take a chart the size of a textbook to explain how i think this dynamic wholly pans out in full. and yeah, i think it grates on mike a little bit that he is always the checker and never the checkee.

but even when mike snaps, even when he gets upset, i always write it coming out of him with a lot of love. i genuinely think mike, regardless of experience in that fic, has the deepest understanding of love as its own concept and an understand of how exactly it rules his life and and his relationships. mike knows to feel strongly about something he has to care about it. there are lots of things he just doesn’t care about. in the book it’s stated he’s difficult to connect with as an adult. he’s distant. he’s focused on what he wants to focus on. i think mike is actually the most interesting when he becomes a little bit of a disaster man with very little time for what doesn’t interest him.

which last thing, dislikes & disinterests

-what annoys him?

-what makes him genuinely angry?

-what bores him to tears?

i always make jokes that i bring up the nastier parts of the losers bc i love nasty boys but thinking of things people don’t like is as much a part of them as the things they do.

for example, in &tfat, i write richie as making fun of “nerdy” things like anything you could find at comic con. i write bev as not giving a fuck about sports. bill doesn’t care about richie’s music tastes. eddie hates getting condescended to.

bc of the ... kind thing, mike’s one of the harder losers to do this with. i genuinely think mike would listen to any of his friends tell him about anything. & he knows, in return, they can’t say shit when he wants to ramble about history. but dislikes can also be super situational.

again, for example in & tfat: mike doesn’t like when his friends talk about college right now. no one is really being sensitive to him at all. he hates getting blamed for stuff that isn’t his fault, mostly bc it keeps happening.

anyway. i based a lot of my mike (mostly sense of humor and personality) off of a mix of real life friends of mine. it’s a luxury. i know. i’ve been blessed to have friends from literally all walks of life & for me borrowing little habits & quirks & sayings & jokes to slip into my fics and characters is my way of writing one massive love letter to those ive known. i hope i’ve helped you in some way anon. n if not.... don’t be sad i’m hardly one to take writing advice from anyway jandjxjx

overall, as i used to do often, i’d genuinely stop myself and say: is this a person, or a convenience for the plot? and if it was the latter, sigh, and get my backspace key ready.

#mike hanlon

[cashtaylor-blog]

HELLO friends ,,,, i’m taylor and this is my smol son cash. i’m 20 & i’m chillin in the cst.  wOw i’m really excited for this to get started and everything like ?? i’m gonna put some bullet points that explain him more under the cut and some wanted connections too ( if ur diggin any of them hmu !! ), buT yeah like this so & i’ll message you so we can plot a thing ?  ( highkey want to plot with all of you so hmu !! ) triggers: mentions of emotional and physical abuse and homophobia  

✰ ⁂ ✺ [ louis tomlinson / twenty five / male / he/him ] oh hey there ( cash taylor) !! I honestly didn’t see you there! i’ve heard around town you’re a little { guarded and mealy mouthed  ) !! But luckily for you, I’ve also heard you are (witty and affable) !! I always see you walking around town looking like (scrunching up your nose when lying, midnight adventures and rainy mornings) !! though I guess you’re pretty cool since I heard your recent theme song is (believer by american authors) !! welcome to forest! [taylor / twenty / she/her / cst]

fun fact : cash is actually named after johnny cash. his dad was a wannabe rock & roll singer in a band back in the late 80s, so saying he was obsessed with music was a understatement and despite every unpleasant memory he has with his father he got his love for music him. 

truthfully his mother and father had never really planned to have cash. it was all suppose to be just one hookup between the wannabe rock star and his groupie but it turned out to be more commitment than one of them was ready for when his mom found out she was preggo

his dad was the #worse growing up. he was a total drunk and when he was drunk the blatant dislike for the thing that ruined his “career” ( a.k.a cash ) was pretty clear. he would pretty much emotionally abuse his son even at a young age when he had no clue why his dad was acting the way he was.  

it all really kind of messed him up emotionally. he was told practically his whole life that he was nothing, that he’d never amount to anything, that he’d never leave this town and many more that constantly chipped away at absolutely any self-confidence his mother tried to instill in him. 

despite the constant mental and sometimes physical beat down, cash never really showed anyone except the people that he was close to that he was hurting. to people at school he was just another happy go lucky kid who had the world at his hands.

he basically thought if he kept pushing through it and putting on a smile that he’d get to where he didn’t feel like crying every night. wow i’m #sad

anyways when he was kicked out of the house against his mother’s wishes when he was seventeen because his father had caught wind that he might have feelings for a guy ( his best friend at the time/first love ). 

it hurt really bad knowing that even though his mother loved him it wasn’t enough for her to stand up for him and say that this wasn’t okay

PERSONALITYYYY

okay so cash on the surface is a really happy and sarcastic dude. he’s so nice and self-less despite him denying that last fact. 

he doesn’t really let anyone in that often. he kind of has found that it works better that way. he tends to switch conversations around if you start to dig too deep even if you have only the purest intentions. 

growing up & remembering all the repercussions he had gotten from being forthcoming about his emotions to his father made him a very passive aggressive person when something is obviously bothering him. he tends to close himself off when something is on his mind because he’s trying so hard to deal with it on his own. he knows everyone in the world is not like his father, but this  was sort of built into him at this point.

cash never really half-assed anything in life despite how lazy he will tell you he is. if he chose to put time into something he gives it his all, which was why it wasn’t a surprise when he picked up learning how to play the piano, guitar & drums so exceptionally well. he started teaching himself as like a coping mechanism and it worked pretty well for the most part. he’s also a pretty decent song writer too. 

he currently works at one of those mom and pop record shops. it’s kind of perfect because he’s always surrounded by music and instruments all the time. it’s not exactly where he see’s himself being for the rest of his life but it’s a decent job.

WANTED CONNECTIONS ( but i’m literally down for anything hmu !! )

BEST FRIEND ( OPEN ) - give me someone that cash just loves talking to & feels completely comfortable around. like he can share with them his fears,music & they are just there for each other. like they know him so well to the point where they can totally tell when he’s putting on his fake smile okay he needs someone to look out for him and he’ll 100% do the same in return !

UNREQUITED ENEMY ( OPEN ) -  cash doesn’t really like disliking people ?? like holding a grudge just sits bad with him ?? so give me someone that just doesn’t click with cash for reasons to be discussed, but like cash doesn’t really doesn’t know what to do about it. like everytime the person would say something mean to him he’d just be calm & trying to figure out what exactly he did ??

INTEREST ( OPEN ) - someone should REALLY GIVE ME THIS?? okay so for his twenty fifth birthday he was taken to a club by his friends & had a few things to drink which made him kinda tipsy ( he doesn’t drink often bc of his dad but i’d imagine him to be a lightweight tbh bc his intolerance is like nonexistent ) . so basically what happened that night is that a guy came up to flirt with him & cash hadn’t really minded any of it, but as the night went on they kind of got a little handsy. the next morning he was really confused about what he was feeling ??  and maybe they keep meeting up & just talking with cash because they lowkey might feel something for each other ??

FLIRTATIONSHIP ( OPEN )- highkey i think it would be funny to have someone attempt to flirt with cash ?? despite all the dramatics he puts up he is literally the easiest person in the world to get flustered like to the point where he doesn’t really know how to respond ?  like the other person doesn’t have to be serious or can be serious about what they are saying but i just want this ???

Here’s some other ideas that i haven’t really thought through yet

- roommate

- co-worker 

- bad influence

- someone he’s a good influence to

- partner in crime ( someone he’s constantly causing some sort of 

- enemies

- past flings ( they could be over it or not ) 

- childhood friends that have drifted apart for one reason

#forestintro

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

#irvingintro #abuse tw #neglect tw #trauma tw #anxiety tw #violence tw #DOES A LITTLE JIG #admittedly i didnt include a formative moments section like my other intros bc idk what kind of superpowers i was inhaling the fumes of #for those intros but #i'm a mere mortal now.