#because I’d have all this extra emotional stress so all my work would take even longer

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + neutral snake secondary

Hello. I decided to write this according to the list you gave. I have a huge struggle with my primary. I guess it is burned, but I don’t know what it is, or I don’t want to see it because that hurts my ego if it sounds completely fake or in some way empty, or I just don’t vibe with it. Which I understand is an issue in itself. 

An interesting issue. You don’t want a primary assigned to you because you’re worried it’ll sound fake? I’ll keep an eye on that. 

For my secondary I guess it is just straight up a lion, mostly being off or burned, burned badger or bird. I definitely use pre-made personas in social or stressful situations, but I prepare so little that I could be anyone. 

This sounds like Burnt Bird secondary “I do the Bird secondary thing, but not very well.” Or possibly a Bird secondary model that you wish you didn’t have to use. 

Before I have to tell you even if I don’t have clinical depression or a diagnosis, I don’t feel happy, and it probably shows. I am someone who cries every time they see Everything Everywhere All At Once, which at this point probably tells a lot about a person. 

… it tells me that you’re very probably neurodivergent. Very possibly ADHD, but I don’t like to diagnose in these things. (Not actually possible anyway.) 

Also, heads up for my English, it is nowhere near perfect or fluent, so there might be some annoying mistakes, even though I know you don’t point it out to people. I ran it through a grammar check, but I have little doubt I missed something.

1.

Sometimes I wish I’d care more about other people, about strangers, but I don’t care much naturally, and it becomes even more pronounced when I am stressed or having to spend a lot of my energy outside myself. Then, that gaze towards outside shuts down, and I stop focusing and giving attention to other people.

You’re not naturally a Badger, taking meaning and energy from the community. Snake is absolutely possible, especially with the way Snakes will focus very intensely on their own bodies when they haven’t got a lot of extra energy to spare. Like, sure you’d like to do more, and doing more makes you feel like a good person, but that’s extra.

A co-worker could be talking about their accident and what happened to their family, and I would stare blindly and think to myself they are trying to get sympathy and I would not budge at this point. While more normally I would give them it, even if I didn’t feel sorry for them. 

You might also just be low empathy, which is… just kind of a neutral thing. I’m low empathy. A lot of people actually find it comforting that they can be upset around me without getting doubly stressed that they’re making my day worse. 

After all, some emotional work needs to be put into maintaining relationships and keeping it alive.

True. And the way you just kind of put that out there as a kind of ‘Rule to Live By’ is actually making me think Bird primary is possible... or a Bird primary model over a burnt primary?

2. 

As a kid I was timid, afraid to explore town, thinking someone will come and say I can’t walk there. I was never peaceful, but I followed my mother’s advice to ignore bullies and don’t give them attention. Jokes on me – I never learned how to fight and argue. I remember myself hot headed, attention seeking, trying to talk with others, even making up lies or cutting bangs by myself just so people notice me. But I was always careful not to make trouble for my mother, be safe, get no injuries, clothes fine and without a rip. 

I’m leaning more Snake primary for you. Your mother is clearly a very important figure in your life, and what she thinks and values is important, because she thinks it. You ignore bullies, don’t wander, and don’t get in trouble because your Mom told you not to… but there’s still this undercurrent of but I would have liked to. In fact, the way you behave for your mom seems to be very at odds with the “attention seeking” “hot-headed” “notice-me” behavior from the rest of your life. I’m considering Snake secondary (because of the different faces for differnt people) or Lion/Burnt Lion secondary (because you would have liked learning how to fight and argue.) 

I was obsessed with Three Musketeers, friendship and finding connection. I would focus on a small group of people or even one person and hold onto it. It started getting really hard time when I had no friends whatever. That pushed me into survival mode and made me quiet and thoughtful.

This focus on small groups of friends is making me really lean Snake primary. (Also, if you’re a Snake Lion, then The Three Musketeers would be *the* perfect media for you.) 

3. 

I think I solve low-stakes problems with something that looks like a snake or rapid fire bird.  I think if I can and have someone close I can call for help, I will. Once in the dorms my European windows fall off the hinges, I couldn’t close it or put it back. I could have definitely done it myself with more time and more focusing and seeing how things work. But I had a friend living there next to me, so I asked them to come. Not that they knew more about windows than I did, but as out both room windows were similar in age maybe they would have a similar issue and know what to do. I don’t think they did, but it was fun and I wish I could do it more - meeting life with your friends and not alone, that’s why I called them. Administration would have been the last resort, they were pretty meh. I think we just ended looking around and putting it back in somehow, just trying to close it in different ways. I was always careful with it after that.

That’s lovely. And… weirdly I think I’m going to put this in for primary, for that whole “meeting life not alone” thing. That’s bigger than just problem solving, that’s getting into why you do things at all. 

The actual problem solving seems to be “lets compare the broken window to a similar, not-broken window and see what’s wrong.” There’s a *little* I Know A Guy bird in this ‘who specifically do I know who would be able to solve this problem.’ But I could honestly see coming from any secondary. 

4. 

In high-stake situations, the most important thing to me is reaching a mental space where I am stable, looking around without panic. That’s why sometimes, instead of pulling an all-nighter before an exam I turned on a movie. I just couldn’t deal with the stress and said bye lol. I didn’t do it all the time, I also studied a lot, alone and with friends, although I cannot say where studying or the movie was more useful. I personally would say in high-stakes situations it’s most critical to try to calm down and manage my stress and anxiety. 

This is making me say Improvisational secondary (Lion or Snake.) Extra preparation isn’t going to comfort you, it’s going to mess you up. You’re not a Bird or Badger, who’ll get stressed out if they don’t read their notes over one more time. You want the mental space and agility to correctly read and correctly respond to the situation, and so you’re giving yourself the best chance for that.

I had experience with bad roommates so in dorms I wanted to live alone, not bother or bothering someone. While this opinion wasn’t allowed legally in our college, students would bribe administrator. I hate bribing, giving chocolate for literally noticing me in someone’s place (it’s a bribe older generation does here while asking employees for something they think is a favor, but it’s kind of their job; why don’t we just stop being assholes to each other instead? I am not sure other parts of the world does this so hence the explanation). 

It’s interesting. You’re describing bribing, like - yeah you’re breaking the rules… but everyone does it, and everyone knows everyone does it, and to some degree you’re even expected to do it. But even though it’s kind of normal, it still bothers you. And this would bother a Lion secondary (who love to be straightforward and honest) more than it would bother a Snake (who might not even think of giving an administrator a “”gift”” as a bribe.) 

As I mentioned earlier, administrator was meh and everyone and their mother knew it, so you can imagine I thought this is big, and I have to survive this and come on top.

This is very Snake primary energy, it has that practicality I absolutely love. 

Money, I thought, should be the most useful, but there’s also too much and too little. In short, I sit down, wrote an application, had an envelope in my bag, talked a bit about how I would like to live alone and tried to slip it out of my bag on the table as it was nothing special. The most interesting thing was that he seemed amused all this time, and even then, I had my hair down and had lipstick on, so I don’t know, maybe my baby face looked interesting, or maybe that’s just stress distorting my memories. I was kind of prepared, but not really if you know what I mean, I obviously needed more information, but I was either naïve and thought this will work or this will be enough. In some way I was also mostly thinking I hate this, this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see. Maybe not good enough for sorting according to high-stakes situations but thank gods in some way that the only ones I had are like this one or exams.

Now that I have built your anticipation,

You absolutely have, I am extremely invested in this story. 

let’s check together how that ended up for me, shall we? I did get a room for myself, and I really loved the room I got the first year there. Its window opened up to a street, I saw a lot of trees, sky, a neighboring apartment complex that did not belong to college. The bribery? It went well, they were either monitored or they actually meant what they said that they can’t guarantee me anything, and that the college had plans to reduce the available space due to shortage of students. So in the end, I left with my money, a little bruised dignity and a new experience, that I knew I would never want to repeat. We just do what we need to do, and what we are okay about doing, no?

I hate bribery, but I wanted to live alone more, so it weighted over.

Something like that (and this whole story, really) makes me think your primary is fighting with your secondary. You think bribing is wrong, and your Lion secondary hates not just being direct and ASKING for what you want... but you want that private room, so of course you go for it. You had a bad experience in dorms before, you’re going to protect yourself. That’s the decision that you feel best about. 

And when it came down to this conversation, you got dressed up, you considered your appearance and how you came across, you thought about what the right level of bribery would be. But in the end, you think that the fact that you looked “interesting” got you through. And “this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see” is SO Lion. It’ll work, or it won’t, it’s out of my hands. 

5.

Recently I made a hard decision of whether to go back home or stay. Decisions are hard for me, especially when neither one nor the other option look better. I tried to take all that I have gathered about the situation and see which side is/feels stronger, which one has more value. 

I’m starting to see what’s got you confused about your primary. One thing about being in a Snake is that decisions get a lot harder when they don’t affect your personal safety and well-being, or the safety and well-being of your People. You’re making a decision with ALL the tools here - gathering information to know which side is stronger (Bird), asking yourself what side feels stronger (Lion), and also considering which side has more value (depending on exactly what you mean by “value,” this could be Badger or Snake. All those approaching are going to give you slightly different answers. 

I left unfriendly environment which saw no value in me or my culture for a more friendly place, where my roots are, where I can make my own decisions, but I had to leave my family. I didn’t feel good there, had no one I wanted to hold onto. But even though I am not a badger, but I am still in a missing people mood. 

I bet you are. You’re a Snake, and you don’t have any People right now. (You’re not Burned. You’ve just recently moved to a new place, and don’t have any People yet.)

This was absolutely the Snake decision, also. You didn’t feel valued, so you went where you knew you could set things up the way you like them. You left your family to do it, and sure leaving your family hurts, but I think you would have felt like you’d betrayed yourself if you stayed.

Connection is so human, and we fuck it up so bad from so early on. Does it matter if you still feel alone around people who surround you? It doesn’t, so maybe it’s better to let your family members rest, be somewhere lonely without them and try to do it yourself. Is it already depressing? I am sorry I hope this doesn’t feel like trauma dumping.

Nah, you’re fine. You’re absolutely going to find people you connect to. 

6.

My fantasies change with time depending on what inspires and moves me then. I fantasize about a Scandinavian style house, surrounded by snow and a night sky, full of books and huge windows when I just want to run away. Other times I fantasize about being a powerful wizard on the run or in disguise, just trying to live with friends, accepted and running from some kind of huge responsibilities or a war. Not that I never fantasized about something more ambitious, but that probably changed with how my life experiences shaped the worldview I have now. Do I have to mention fantasies of falling in love with someone nice while doing something that I like and brings me joy or is that just basic haha?

The “living with friends/falling in love with someone nice”... that’s very human, but since this significant other person features heavily in a short description of your fantasy, going to put that as a point for Snake primary. 

7.

The characters I identify most with probably has nothing to do with me or who I am, more with how I see them. I identify with Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. In my opinion, she has a similar energy to me, to what I think I am inside or could be with a little more stability and confidence. She talks nonsense, and it is fine most of the time, people still like her. She loves her community, her little town, she creates life there and doesn’t wish to leave, and she doesn’t feel a need to run or rush somewhere. I feel I am most healthy and stable when that rush leaves me, and I am stable enough in here and now to actually live there. 

I was honestly pretty happy with Lion Secondary as a sorting for you. But now I wonder. This doesn’t seem like something a Lion secondary would say. It seems like a Neutral Snake would say. And Lorelai is a VERY loud Neutral Snake (and a very loud Snake primary.

Now, Lion secondaries can be mellow, and just want to Vibe, but I absolutely do see shape-shifting capabilities from you, and I wouldn’t expect to see them from a Lion (unless you also had models or performances.) When you were a kid you were careful and thinking a lot about the ‘correct’ thing around your mom, but wild around your friends. In the bribing situation you came in with a persona, but then switched around - you’re funny, you’re interesting, you’re naive. Also in the wizard fantasy - you’re running away from the war, you don’t want to deal with it. Lion secondaries tend to fantasize about being revolutionaries or leading armies. 

Snake Secondaries who like staying in Neutral have a blunt take-it-or-leave it quality which I do see from you, but you also seem just... kind of tired. Not Burnt, but just kind of done with dealing with a family who makes you feel lonely, an administration who isn’t helpful, an environment that doesn’t value your culture... no wonder you just want the ability to just say whatever, and not have to think about it. 

I also think that the lack of a Person (which is a primary issue) is making this whole ask much more ‘authenticity’ flavored than it would be otherwise. You want, you really really desperately want a person to trust enough, and value enough, to be that level of authentic with. 

I identify with Joy from Everything Everywhere, because she feels like a friend who doesn’t need you to tell them how you feel in these feeble words, she looks at you, and she knows, the whole movie knows. 

You’re fantasizing about someone who just *gets* you, immediately. (You’re fantasizing about a Person.)

Likewise, I identify with Hunter from The Owl House. He says he misses knowing who he supposed to be. He comes from a really unhealthy background, but I just feel happy thinking how not only he himself warms up to people, but others warm up to him, see good in him, accept him and start to care, not how good people care, but how a friend cares. Hahaha, I identify with Pippin from LOTR movies, because he makes mistakes, and everyone around him is like WTF can you not, why don’t you just stand in one place or be tied to a leash? He’s not stupid, he’s not careless, he’s not bad or ignorant per se, mistakes just happen, it’s natural and instead of being made to feel wrong, let’s just not do that and make it normal, because it will happen, and we will learn from our mistakes without pressure or shouting. It’s a miracle Pippin wants to do things after all.

You’re fantasizing about getting a group of People. Don’t think it’s at all a coincidence that both the Owl House and the Lord of the Rings focus on a small, rag-tag group of people who don’t quite fit, for one reason or another. I also think you’ve probably been dealing with someone who does not react to *normal* mistakes in a healthy way. So of course Pippin and Hunter would be comforting. 

8.

Things that make me feel powerful? Money, having choices, being able to say no, I will not do anything of what you suggest and instead do this completely different thing. Because I can, because I want it, because I can see I will succeed, I will make it. I can choose to do things my way. You need money or other resources to be able to do that. Calling a plumber and being able to pay them would make me more powerful than waiting for someone I know do me a favor based on our relationship. While not being able to select what I want, or having crappy choices wherever I look makes me feel locked up and incredible passive. To quote the quiz, helplessness doesn’t make me angry, it freezes m, but I don’t get angry.

Damn. Yeah, I don’t know what I can say to any of that. What is power? Money, and the ability to say no. And really, when you get down to it - money is important when it allows to say no. The more you can say no, the more powerful you are. 

9.

Recently graduating was the most difficult thing I had to do. I had little to no help, big expectations from the board and little freedom on what decision I could make. Myself already being anxious about what I will do in the future and this major giving me panic attacks in the making did not help focus and do it right. I wonder would it have been better if I majored in something I loved but was kind of useless, than something I hated but what is seen as practical and marketable.

There really isn’t a right answer there. Not everyone needs to love their job, but some do. Some people are fine without a steady paycheck, or without a large paycheck - but some aren’t. Any decision that involves the future like that is going to be a gamble. And I guess I’m at the point now, with how fast the world and the economy is changing, that trying to guess what will be practical and marketable ten years down the line - isn’t nearly as sure a thing as it used to be. 

From what I’ve gathered, thesis can feel useless. I knew a guy who paid someone to write it for him, and honestly with my own experience I wouldn’t care about ethics of it now and would have rather done that if I could have a chance. In the end, how exactly writing your last paper, thesis shows your skills? Sure, you can follow academic paper writing rules, you can use computer, you can read and gather information from research papers, and you can ignore your anxiety and interview people, interpret their answers and have enough skill in a language you are using to not only make sense but follow all the rules. I guess you can use the skills somewhere; I am just talking myself out of this idea. Wait, if someone who never majored in your area and does not have the skills you worked for, can write you a paper and write it good, it’s not an excellent way to evaluate someone.

Yeah, Snake secondary for sure. And what can I say, you make a compelling case. The structural problems in academia, the classism, the behind-the-times - it’s very much still there, and there are lots of people who can talk about it much better than I can. 

My friends were busy with their own stuff, my family were far away and with a big generational gap, professors didn’t help and then evaluated me strangely. It was really hard to see a person I knew for a few years, liked, wanted to impress be against me. Sorry I am tired, but I really needed to write something, and this seemed like a good thing to occupy myself with. Off course, I don’t know how you feel about academic unfaithfulness, but from my perspective, my experience was shitty enough that I wouldn’t give a flying sausage if there would be a next time, especially if I did everything else the right way. I really don’t know how much it was me, because it was me in some ways, but I still think my supervisor didn’t help me, but was ready to judge me. She probably felt she wasn’t paid enough to deal with my problems then. Right. You know what I want to do now? I want to never look back, never get back there, and never even touch this major. I want to leave it in the past and start anew. I want to be able to choose and not be tied to it.

Spoken like a snake secondary. And no wonder why you seem so tired. Also, being treated badly by your advisor is going to hurt anybody... but ESPECIALLY a snake primary. 

Thank you for your time. Have a great day. Or night.

I will. :) Thanks for writing in.

#submission #sortme #wisteria sorts #shc #sortinghatchats #snake primary #snake secondary #lion vs snake secondary #double snake #neutral snake

[skye707]

Skye!

Help, please?

I’m feeling incredibly lousy and the lowest of lows, being a bereaved orphan who misses their Father a great deal and in a bad spot mentally, with zero healthy coping methods. Would you mind an ask of what the Rids would think of me hanging out as to not be swallowed by the darkness? (I might not want to leave…. At least I’d finally have company…)

My Dad was always working on something, would get angry easily and had a potty mouth but I loved being useful and helping him out, even if some interactions were silent.

I’d think that Telltale and Arkham might tolerate me, since I tend to gravitate towards men that remind me of my missing parent. I’d quietly admire them and hope to make their time less stressful by offering a hand, but expecting rejection…

As for Unburied and BTAA? I don’t know enough about their characters.

BTAS, Gotham, YJ and Dano would all be nice to hang around in general, no matter what, I suppose?

As for ZY…? I’m not really sure. He is a Riddler that I like, but he is such a wild card! I feel like if the situation isn’t about him, then why bother?

BIG SIGH and tired of being tired

These little guys can, without a doubt in my mind, sympathize with feelings of loneliness and despair. For most of all of their lives, they haven't had anyone to hold their hand or encourage them to be their best self. As such, when presented with the opportunity to be that light for someone else, they jump on it immediately (the extra boost to their own ego is a welcome added bonus too).

Unburied is asking if there's anything you want to talk about. Not necessarily about what is bringing you grief, just anything in general. Your favorite color, why it's your favorite color, favorite animal, etc. Words and their expression of the soul have more power than most people realize, and he finds that the biggest problems can be solved simply by taking the time to express them in the form of conversation. Not all puzzles are with your hands; some solutions are found solely in the mind. He's the one you can call at 3 am and talk to until the sun comes up.

ZY is a distraction, in a good way. No one gives him credit for it, but he's just as smart as any of the other Riddlers. He just solves puzzles in a roundabout way. Feelings aren't permanent; emotions shift and change, so if he can keep you occupied with a joke or some ridiculous game for long enough, you can come to a calmer emotional state where you can deal with your feelings in a more rational place. He's more than willing to be that for you.

Dano understands where you're coming from more than anyone else. When he sees this, he's reminded of his own personal struggles and what he became because of them. He didn't have anyone and felt completely alone in a dark and dangerous world. No matter what it takes, he's not going to let the same thing happen to someone else. No words have to be spoken. He holds you tight and doesn't let go. You can scarcely walk anywhere around the house without him trailing behind you. Maybe, this is why he survived the horrors of his childhood: to be a guardian angel for someone else in the same situation, and he's determined to make sure you come out of it better than he did.

YJ wants to include you in any and everything he's doing. Making cereal? He's asking you if you want a bowl. Going to the store? You guys can get snacks together. Going upstairs? You can help him (he falls up the stairs very often). Either way, he wants you there. Hanging out with Dano has showed him the reality of loneliness and depression and he wants to save you the pain if he can. Also, anything you want to do he's right there with you.

Gotham is in the kitchen baking. You can sit down, and he'll ask what your favorite kind of cake is. Seriously, any kind of cake. He's breaking out the measuring cups and scales. He's telling you every single fact about the ingredients or cake's origin he can think of, doing whatever he can to keep you out of your head. The mind can be a very dark place when you're alone, he knows. But you're not alone, you're with him! And did you know...

BTAA is pulling out his favorite well-loved deck of cards asking if you know how to play poker. If not, that's fine he enjoys the mental challenge of introducing someone to a new game. The first couple of rounds, he's letting you win (much to his own infuriating irritation but he's telling himself it's necessary for you to know how to win). After that though, he wins a round and is celebrating with arias and dancing. Do you know how to dance? Well, he can teach you that, too!

Arkham sees you mosey into the garage/workshop and asks where you came from. You tell your story, and he nods and rubs his hands along his chin (unknowingly wiping grease across them). If you're an experienced craftsman with working appendages, he needs you to hold this piece of metal while he welds it together. Wait! You need a welding mask! Every once in a while, he stops himself from berating you. No one likes to be kicked while their down, he knows. Instead, he gives a little grumble and you two move onto the next part of his amazing project while he explains how it works.

BTAS has been watching each of these interactions over the pages of his newspaper or listening to conversations while he vacuums, sorry he was eavesdropping. After a few hours of working in the garage, he pulls you aside and tells Arkham he can't just keep you cooped up in there like one of his...robot children. The two of you go for a walk as the sun begins to set on the day. He brings you to his favorite little quaint park and shows you all his favorite flowers. If you're lucky, you can get him to spill some gossip on the other Riddlers or Rogues. In his mind, laughter is the best medicine and something he considers himself fluent in.

Telltale is sitting on the couch working on a puzzle box when you plop down beside him. He gives you a long look, and you start to think maybe you should move. However, he pushes the box into your hands and tells you to try your best to solve it. He's offering firm assistance when he sees you struggle. Suddenly, the box opens and music begins to drift out of the inside of the box. The inside mechanism spins swiftly until you can make out the image of a question mark from the various pieces moving. He gets up and tells you to keep it and practice.

(I don't think I can say I know exactly what you're going through, however, I do know how it feels to think you're completely alone. I know how it feels to look around and wonder if you're ever going to be happy again. Consider this your message from future you: happiness does come back. Maybe not as soon as you would like, but it does. Look for the beauty in life, take care of yourself, make a proper meal, look in the mirror and tell yourself that this is just a step in a long journey.)

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness. Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide.

[3kiripima3]

Hello!! I saw ur requests were open for a matchup and I’d love to do one! I will ask for no Valentino because he makes me very uncomfortable.

I’m an AFAB genderfluid aspec bisexual (he/she/they) and an ESFJ 2W1 Leo. I’d consider myself very loud and obnoxious at times but that’s just how I am tbh. Despite me being overwhelming at times I dedicate most of my time to my friends by buying them things and giving all the emotional support I can even if it isn’t reciprocated because some people just need an extra bit of support. I’m a bit of a pushover at times and need a lot of reassurance in my actions because I’m typically pretty overdramatic and sensitive at time.

I have a ton of hobbies, most are art related! I spend most of my time binge watching the same horror movies and analyzing the characters in them and their motives. I often like to make props and do sfx makeup but I paint, draw, do digital art, knit and make jewelry in my free time as well! As long as it keeps my hands and mind busy I’m occupied for hours. I’m a big fan of horror and creepy things like vulture culture (collecting bones) and more specifically my fav movies are Texas chainsaw masacre part 2 and house of 1000 corpses.

I typically wear pretty relaxed clothing like flannels and t shirts and shorts, I don’t really ever get dressed up but when I do it leans more on the gothic side outfit wise, but I’m a sucker for sparkly blue eyeshadow and a light pink lip! I love fashion and makeup and designing outfits and makeup looks despite never really wearing anything of the sort out. I love experimenting with fun colors and seeing what works best.

My main love languages is physical touch and acts of service, no matter how close I am with someone I will get them gifts but it takes me a while to be physically affectionate with someone but once I am comfortable enough I will never want to let go and will want to hold the person at all times!

Hiya! Thanks for the request! After some consideration, I think I'd pair you with…

Velvette!

I think you and Velvette would work very well together!

As Velvette can be very loud and obnoxious herself, she'd be fine with you being similar. However, if she's really not in the mood she'd likely tell you to be quieter.

I feel like Velvette would really appreciate you giving her emotional support. She's always stressed out by the other Vees, so she'd genuinely thank you for that.

Velvette is typically overdramatic herself, so I doubt she'd notice if you were as well. Yet, if you needed reassurance, she'd give you some. Maybe it's not the typical type of reassurance, but in a way, Velvette's feels more genuine.

Due to Velvette being in the fashion industry, she'd really appreciate any form of art related skills. You'd often have her call you to do sfx makeup for her models for different photoshoots as well. She'd likely try and convince you to draw out her ideas to help her visualise outfits for her career, but she'd occasionally draw things for you!

I see Velvette as someone very intrigued by horror and the like, albeit having a tendency to over-critique movies. So, if you were to ever watch a horror movie with her, she'd 100% be judging the special effects.

If you were going out in public with Velvette, she'd make you get dressed up. Otherwise, I don't think she'd mind you wearing relaxed clothing, as long as the colours don't clash. She definitely appreciates that you enjoy fashion and makeup. Velvette would like having another perspective on her designs.

Thanks for requesting! I hope this is good enough for you :)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin matchups #hazbin hotel x reader

[cillspropertea]

Flipped

Chapter 17: The Plan

Warnings: Angst, tense situations, mention of past trauma, unwanted physical affection 

This fic might have dark themes which may irritate or offend some readers. But if you’ve seen Peaky Blinders and are familiar with Thomas Shelby, you’ll be okay. The story, plot, character histories and back stories might not be relevant to the original “Peaky Blinders” . Warnings will change per chapter. This is my first fic. Hope you all like it. English is not my first language.

A/N: I apologize for posting this almost four days later than the committed time.😬 This one took me a while to write.😅 To make up for it the chapter is twice as long. Basically two chapters in one. 😉😘💙Hope you all will like it. 😊

Do not hesitate to comment, reblog and engage. 😁 It works as fuel for my writing. 😉💙💙

Synopsis: Her father’s one mistake shall alter her life’s direction forever.

Word count: 4639

Thomas Shelby

    Bonnie, Esme and Iris stood next to the entrance with all the Lees and Golds with them while Arthur snored in the corner on the bench. Some were sitting on the floor, some on benches and some even outside, since it had become too crowded in there. Polly paced the room while Thomas sat right next to the operation theatre smoking a cigarette. He had driven the car as fast as he could to the hospital after getting Esmeralda out of that cottage where Bonnie had directed him to.

     All the others had already made it to the hospital, admitting and getting the injured treated. It had been a while since she had been taken in there. Everyone was silent, praying and tired. The doctor got out but was startled with the amount of people in the waiting room. It was so full that he knew that in order to get out of there his shoulders would have to nudge and budge a lot of others, he was sure. “How is she?” Polly asked walking forward with clasped hands. “She’s fine. The bullet had crossed right through her shoulder, thankfully without damaging any organs or major veins. But because she was not brought in right away, there was blood loss. I’ve stitched up the wound and had to do a blood transfusion. You’ll have to take a lot of care of her. This is the second time in less than a year that she has had such huge amount of blood loss. She is very weak at this point. Needs extra attention and help. And no stress, physical or mental.” Polly nodded. “Understood Doctor. I’ll make sure it’s done. Um… When can we take her home?” she asked, her eyes were still wet with tears. “Right now, we’ve kept her under our observation but if all stays well, then tomorrow she can be discharged from the hospital and taken home.”

    There was a wave of relief and calm throughout the room. Most of the people there for Esmeralda were present either due to guilt, concern or remorse but love glittered from some corners of the room as well. Most of the Gold and Lee men dispersed with a promise to visit Esmeralda in the morning once she was awake, “Mistakes were made. And I’m sure it’ll be a while when Emmy…” He cleared his throat, “Esmeralda forgives us…” Iris said to Polly and Thomas who had come to say goodbye and thank them for their help in saving their family. He had no doubt that without them, neither he nor his family would have survived the enemy’s attack. They were truly grateful, especially Polly. “She has a big heart but what you people did to her, abandoning her like that…” Polly intervened, her voice full of complaining emotions when Tommy interrupted her, “Nevertheless, you all have done something extraordinary for us, the Shelby today and in respect of that we’ll make sure that whenever you shall call on us for help we’ll be there, no matter the context.” Thomas extended his hand towards Bonnie and Iris which they shook with a bow of their heads. But then Thomas had turned towards Esme, “Since ‘forgiveness’ seems to be the big topic tonight, I’d like to apologize to you as well Esme…” he said honestly, “He was my brother Esme. I wish I could undo it… But…” Esme came forward, everyone watched with batted breath as they knew Esme had a very bad temper. But then she simply put a hand on his shoulder, “I don’t know if I am ready to forgive you yet…” she said honestly, “But what I do know is that if you hurt my blood sister, in any fucking way, even the tiniest bit, you’ll face the worst of my wrath.” Thomas nodded but then frowned a bit, how did she know when he had just found out a few moments ago? Esme grabbed his face between her thumb and fingers making Bonnie call out her name in warning, she ignored him, “Cuz’ she’s been through enough… you know it!” Thomas nodded and politely released his face from her grip. “I’ll keep it in my mind.”

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   Thomas was staring at Esme and Bonnie, sitting together holding hands when Arthur came and sat down next to him. They had decided to stay the night after sending all of their men back. Arthur clapped his shoulder, “So you don’t approve of them, eh?” It was more of a statement then a question. “No. It’s her life and she seems happy.” ‘I miss john…’ he wanted to add but held his tongue. Arthur crouched a little, resting his elbows on his knees, “I miss him too. He went a little too soon…” silence fell as Arthur tried to wipe his tears without letting anyone notice. Thomas just looked up at the ceiling, “Looks like it’s just you and me brother, just you and me…” “And me!” said Polly sitting a few seats away but no doubt eavesdropping. She slid towards them putting an arm around Arthur and nudging Thomas.

    Arthur went directly to the safe house. He had told Tommy and Polly that he would have to stay with Linda there at least until her delivery since the long travel is unsafe in her state. Tommy agreed without complain, mentally knowing how he had demanded a lot from his brother and he had given it to him without a word. Polly went out for a smoke where she found Esme leaning against the wall, an almost finished cigarette in hand. Polly took out her own and Esme silently lit it with her matches. Both of them puffed smoke in comfortable silence when Polly said, “Isn’t he a bit too young?” and twisted her neck towards her, “What for?” Esme’s reply made both of them laugh out loud. And after they were quite again Esme added after a beat, “He understands me, and I understand him. We did not plan anything… But then he just grew on me like a fucking rash!” Polly shook her head, smiling. “Esmeralda has a lot to do with it though! She would call and ask me to coordinate with Bonnie and then all that time spent alone in the caravan, you know how it happens Pol!” Esme said bluntly but her cheeks reddened. “Oh! That explains the long romani calls she did to you.” “Yes, I decided to help her at the last moment, watching all the effort she was putting in. You’re all John’s family in the end and he would’ve done everything in his hands if he’d had the chance too so…” She gulped before continuing, “Esmeralda had planned most of it after the man in the house had approached her.” Polly’s hand covered her mouth, “Antonio! The guy she…” “Killed in the kitchens? Yes. Charlie’s kidnapping wasn’t the part of the deal. She got angry and he tried to get lucky and she just lost it…”

    In the wee hours of the morning, the milkman, who was used to send the reports to the Changrettas came and was forced by Esmeralda on gunpoint to take her to Luca. She had taken the black mare and stood hidden at least a mile away from the arrow house until the milkman had made the delivery and was on his way back. He did not take her directly to him of course, but to a den of sorts where Luca’s men stood hidden until he ordered them on a mission. Surprisingly, most of them knew who she was and after a single phone call to Luca she was transported to his hideout. She had walked in slowly but hearing Charlie’s crying had made her rush towards the room inside the basement of a building, which looked pretty abandoned from the outside. Charlie was in the arms of a woman near a crib, who was forcing him with a milk bottle from which he kept on moving his face away from. As soon as Charlie had seen her face he had held out his arms for her to pick him up but the woman wouldn’t let him. Only when Luca ordered her to was when she let Esmeralda hold him. He was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, watching them. Charlie was inconsolable at first, hugging her as if he was angry, disappointed and scared all at once at her for abandoning him and not coming to his rescue fast enough. When she fed him the bottle, after sniffing it of course, he did not hesitate at all, watching her face as if closing his eyes would make her disappear. She rubbed his temple and nose cooing to him, “I’m here little angel, I’m here. It’s okay now, It’s fine…” he still held her hand tightly over the bottle as his breathing started to normalize. When she was sure he was asleep she put him in the crib and covered him with the blanket. The way he still held her finger tightly in his grip even in sleep made her heart tighten. Luca directed her towards the next room and followed her when she went inside. But before Esmeralda could point the gun at him, he had already pointed one at her, smiling, “You killed my man. May I know why?” he cocked his head. Esmeralda ignored his question, “The child was never part of the plan. How dare you try and trick me into something this heinous eh?” Luca did not respond and neither did Esmeralda but then she gritted out, “he told me how you planned on selling him in the market after killing the Shelby’s. What kind of a monster are you?” Luca chuckled lowering his weapon, “Antonio always had a wild imagination.” He turned and sat on a couch near the bed, “The child wasn’t always part of the plan, he was added just a few days ago because we knew that was the only way to get Thomas Shelby. The people around him and his contacts were too powerful to be removed, unless he got rid of them himself in order to save his child.” He said wagging the toothpick with one hand. “And why didn’t anyone update me then?” “Because of this. Antonio had told me about your… attachment towards the child. I knew you’d react this way. So I’d decided to keep it from you until it was done.” He got up, very much unaffected by the loaded weapon in his face and walked towards her.

      “I’ve answered your question now, can you answer mine? Please?” he smiled. God she wanted to rip his face into two! “He tried to force himself on me.” Luca’s eyes flashed, “What?” “You heard me… he tried to rape me! Tell me Mr. Changretta, was the rape attempt a part of your plan too?” Luca was not impressed and if Esmeralda was any good at reading expressions then she could tell Luca was not aware of his man’s dirty intentions towards her. “I trust you. And if that was the case then you did the right thing. We have limitations and rules too, unlike those Shelby scum, you see Signorina, we don’t kill kids or women.” He smiled proudly. “Really Mr. Changretta? Wasn’t Grace Shelby a woman? And was your father not a Changretta for ordering her killing?” Esmeralda did not skip a beat. “She was a mistake my father made and now here I am, making it right.” He rubbed his temple before meeting Esmeralda’s eyes, “Signorina…” “Stop calling me that!” “Esmeralda…” he raised his hands in resignation, “My family won’t except me as a leader unless I correct what’s wronged and avenge my father.” He sighed, “Honor and dignity are too worthy to my family. I can’t do this any other way, even if I wanted to.” ‘Lies! Lies! Lies!’ Esmeralda thought but didn’t let it show on her face. “Antonio said you… liked me…” She paused. “I do” Luca smiled genuinely, “Not many have struck a chord to my heart but yes, you are one of the rare ones.” Esmeralda gulped, “And you’ve just said that you trust me…” “Where exactly are you taking this conversation?” Luca said, eyes dancing with mischief. “Then let the child go” “Tch I cannot do that” “You have my word I’ll get you Thomas Shelby but just let Charlie go safe and sound.” Luca paced around her, quietly in circles. Was that admiration in his stare or hunger, she couldn’t tell. “And what shall I get in return?” “What?” she frowned, “I mean if I do what you ask of me, what is there in it for me?” Esmeralda was now scowling. If he was implying what she thought he was implying she would… “Marry me.” Her eyes flashed. “Marry me and I’ll let the kid go.” Her whole body felt so tight that if she didn’t do something about it, she felt like she would combust. But then the wheels of her mind started turning. “We’ll live like kings and queens! Everything is done. The Jews, The Italians they are all under my control, or will be once I get rid of that Shelby!” He scoffed. “Why?” Esmeralda mumbled. “What?” “Why do you want to marry me?” Luca raised his brows. A weird amazed expression was on his face as he stepped closer to her. She forced herself to stay put and not move back as his hands gently cupped her face and his eyebrows raised, “Wow!” She looked into his eyes with questionable innocence. “You have no idea don’t you! What you are! What you’ve become!” Esmeralda took a step back now, a little afraid, of what? She didn’t know. The truth maybe. “I’ve seen a glimpse of your true self and ever since then, I can’t think of anyone else but you. You are a queen Signorina! A queen fit for a king and a kingdom! You and me we will conquer everything together…” His gaze had ambition. Too much ambition. She’d seen a similar sheen in her father’s eyes before. 

     “Trust me and say yes!” he urged. “What if I say no?” she croaked, gingerly stepping back, “What if I don’t agree?”  “It will happen no matter what you say!” He barked, all previous gentleness gone. “I’m not a fan of your father’s ways. He has already promised me your hand but…” He said after trying to control his temper. “He has what?” “Yeah he has. You are to marry me as soon as we get rid of the Shelbys…” Esmeralda’s breath hitched. A panic episode was rushing in and she knew it. It was happening all over again. Her father, using her like an object, deciding her fate without her consent, without her approval. She started breathing heavily, trying to control the attack, trying to delay it. She gulped and said, “Okay.” Luca stared at her back, “What?” he turned her face towards him. His hands on her shoulders felt… wrong. But she knew she had to endure it. She had to make it work, “I said okay. I will marry you. But you have to promise me that no harm will come to Charlie. That you’ll send him back to the house RIGHT NOW!” she said, eyes tearing up, her chest felt like it would burst. She did not have time to react when he simply grabbed her by her waist and kissed her. His lips moved slimily over hers, they too felt wrong, dirty! Nothing like the way ‘his’ lips had felt on hers. Natural, soft and perfect. Thomas’s touch and embrace, God! She had even tried to touch herself a few of the nights, just to ease the tension that had been built up by him, by his touch, but it never worked. Every time she would get close to a release, his betrayal and the Duchess’s face would flash before her eyes, spoiling her mood and the built up pleasure in an instant. She tried to think of him, of their moment to get past the forced affection she was enduring in that moment.  She had to remember Thomas’s kiss to get through Luca’s assault. She wanted to push him away but instead she fisted her palms and let the man have his fun but when his hands tried to run beneath her dress she gently stopped him. “I apologize Signorina I… Got a bit carried away!” He said as if trying to control a demon inside of him. She nodded, his taste still lingered in her mouth making her want to puke but she gulped again. “I know how traditional the Golds are. But remember this…” He pulled her against him once more, making her feel his hardened length on her torso, “… this is what you do to me. The fact that you are… untouched makes me want to ….” He sighed, “I can’t wait to fuck you senseless on our wedding night…” the very thought of it made her gag. But she nodded and smiled hiding her gritted teeth. His lips were bruised and she was sure hers had to be as well. “What about the child. He leaves for the house right now right?” “No. But tomorrow. As soon as I know the Shelbys have started their journey unarmed from that house I’ll get the child delivered back to the house…” Esmeralda tried to argue, “Ah ah!” Luca shook his head, “You have to learn to listen to your man woman. You’d be my pet very soon…” He ran his hand over her head, like soothing a child, “…and I’ll have so much fun training you!” He had the audacity to smack a wet one again, on her cheek this time, before walking out of the room in a triumphant trance. Esmeralda slid down, breathing in and out trying to calm her nerves and anger. ‘His time will come! Just wait… just a little longer…’ she repeated until she could stand up again and walked back to Charlie’s crib to run her fingers through his hair.

---

     She’d called Esme a night before the showdown telling Luca how she wished to talk to her sisters once before everything went down, “What are you scared of Signorina? There is no danger. Everything will go according to plan!” she hoped that it will, “I know that but I just really need to talk to them. I am missing them so much.” She said as convincingly as possible. He came forward and had placed a ring on her finger. She was stunned to silence and then forced her tongue and face to behave. “This is my mother’s.” He’d whispered. She knew this was her only chance and she had to make the call otherwise nothing would work. So she did what she thought was the only way. She stood on her tippy toes and kissed Luca. It was swift and fast. A peck on his mouth, but she knew he was happy and distracted. And then when she’d batted her lashes and asked for the call again and how sharing the news of her engagement to him was one of the reasons for the call as well, Luca had submitted. He’d sent a phone with a long wire to the room later and listened to the call from the other room. But of course Esmeralda was careful enough to talk in gypsy romani only.     She’d taken care of Charlie as long as he was there and had waited in the car when he was delivered to Arrow House too. By the time she’d returned and had been taken to the abandoned cinema, the Shelbys had already been captured and were awaiting their deaths.          

    Polly sighed and rubbed her temple, “Jesus! To think she was doing this all alone...” Esme smiled, “She reminds me of mother. The pain and sorrow she resents so much is her true power now. And god knows if she embraces it…” Bonnie had come out looking for her but when he’d seen her with Polly he’d nodded and gone back inside, “A lot needs to be changed in the clans and both of you are perfect to bring it about.” Polly smiled “But sometimes I do think of John and how…” Polly shushed Esme, “None of that. I knew my nephew well enough that I can assure you he would want you to be happy.” Esme did not meet her eyes but nodded.

   “But let me just say it before I forget, send the kids to us, Johns kids are not your respons…” “They are my kids Pol! Not John’s or Bonnie’s but mine. They never were a burden on me nor shall they ever be.” Polly’s eyes watered, “You are the daughter-in-law my family deserves!” and grabbed her in a hug. She’d always liked her more than Grace, “But the one you are getting next is one hell of a bad-ass too!” Esme laughed. Polly sighed, “I know.” She thought of Thomas sitting nearest to the room, “It’s as if the whole world knows except them.”      

 Esmeralda Gold

    She had woken up with a start but her body felt relaxed after a very long time. She could sleep more for hours but when she tried to turn to her side, the pain in her left shoulder made her wince and tear up. It was covered with thick bandage that went all the way to the other shoulder too. Gradually she got up and found herself in a hospital room. The sun was shining brightly through the flowy curtains, she smiled, actually smiled. She’d done it! She’d pulled it off! Finally, no lies, no blackmailing, no guilt! She could get used to this feeling of utter delight and lightness. But then she’d remembered her confession and then ‘his’ answer in return from last night. ‘Fuck!’ she blushed. “How are you feeling?” She heard from the other side of the room. A disheveled Thomas sat on the sofa. The bloody cloths were from last night but the shirt was unbuttoned which showed his bandaged torso. His face had bruises dusted all over it and his eyes seemed tired, as if he hadn’t slept at all. She had gulped as he’d stood up and had started walking towards her bed. He sat down on her bed in front of her, bringing back memories of a similar moment a few nights ago. “The pain is there but it’s nothing I can’t take” She looked up at his eyes shyly. “Polly told me everything. What the fuck were you thinking Esmeralda?” the way he’d called her name, with so much emotion and lo… she didn’t dare complete that thought. “I just… got an opportunity and took it.” “You should have told me! We could have done all of that together. The risk would have been so much lesser…” his voice raised.

     Esmeralda looked down, “You wouldn’t have trusted me. Plus we weren’t exactly on talking terms back then remember?” she looked at him again. “Are we on talking terms now?” there was a hint of a smile on his lips but she couldn’t be sure. Her heart skipped a beat. “I… I think so?” He nodded, “Thank you. For everything you did, no matter how dangerous it was and reckless…!” “I know, and I’m sorry for putting your family in danger…” the words were spilling out of her mouth now, “Especially Charlie! You have to know, I didn’t know about the kidnapping…” He held her shoulders to make her stop, “I am talking about you. I’m talking about your safety! Me and my family, we are always living on the edge of chaos. We are used to it, know how to deal with it but you Esmeralda! You could have died!” His eyes were wide with concern and fear of what could have happened. “A part of me wanted it to happen.” She mumbled looking at her hands in her lap as a tear dropped on them. “Why?... Look at me!” when she didn’t, he simply pulled her chin upwards with his thumb and finger. “There is no purpose of my existence. There never was and never will be. I was result of a sin committed by my father, my mother died because of me and then the ridicule I brought to my family name…” she shook her head as she sobbed, “I wanted my death to mean something. To die in a way that people wouldn’t…” “People would still blame you. Mock you for being a coward because that is what people do! They talk!” Thomas exasperatedly handed her a handkerchief from his pocket and chuckled when she blew her nose in it. “What?” she looked at him with wide eyes but he just shook his head. “I won’t be a burden on you and your family anymore. As soon as I can leave the hospital I…” “Where will you go? Back to the Golds? Or to the Lees?” “To neither of them. I’ll find work. I’ve realized I’m quite good with horses! I can work with a horse trainer…” “Listen to me woman! You are not going anywhere! You need rest and care and my house is where you’ll get it.” “Why?” her question caught him off guard, “What do you mean ‘why’?” She looked at him straight and stern. She wanted him to say it in the daylight, where everything is true and pure. “Polly would fret.” He reasoned, “I’ll talk her into it.” She raised her eyebrow, “Charlie needs you.” “I’m not dying Thomas! I would try and find my work as near as possible so that I can visit him as often as I can. He’ll understand.” He stood up. “Curly… um” “Curly? Seriously Thomas!?” she smiled sadly, “I know you won’t say it and its okay. I know the why too!” she swallowed, “Why would anyone want a cold blooded killer near their child right? Someone who could be on the verge of losing their mind…” Esmeralda’s words halted as she took in what she was hearing. Thomas Shelby was laughing! He was laughing so hard that he was bent over, trying to control it. “Have you seen Charlie’s family Esmeralda? Do any of us seem sane to you?” Esmeralda’s mouth hung open and then closed but then she couldn’t control it too. He was right! They were all insane. “You’d fit right in you know.” He smiled and took a deep breath after sitting back next to her as if bracing himself.

     “I love you.” She sucked in her breath as he continued, “For how long, I don’t know. Maybe the day I saw you for the first time or the day you slapped me maybe…” he frowned as she scoffed. “I tried to fight it. But the truth is… I need you.” He looked as if it had taken all his effort to open up to her like that. “I am not an easy person to live with, I know that But I want you to be a part of our lives Esmeralda. But I would understand if you say no…” He rubbed his temple. “Yes.” He stopped and met her eyes, “Don’t you need time to think about it?” she smiled, “Why would I? I am traumatized, lost my mind and recently murdered a number of people! As you said, I’d fit right in the family!” and before he could say another word Esmeralda moved and placed her lips on his. She moved back a bit, to stare at his eyes, which were dancing, “You silly silly girl!” and this time it was him who brought his mouth to hers as his fingers caressed her face.

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Not the last part. Who is ready for a wedding?💒💐😜  

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[enhaheeseung]

So as I said I would like to make a post as to why I’m thinking about deleting this account before like I said I was dead set on it but now I’m not sure but here are a few reasons for why I’m contemplating it

Number one Im really wishy washy one moment I’ll be so confident in a plot or a story but as I post it I feel like it’s not good enough or I could have done better than I start getting these irrational thoughts like it’s bad or embarrassing and finally I get to the point where I stop writing (hints my 40 drafts)

Another reason is feeling like I have to rush something out even though no one demands me to write and post for some reason I feel obligated or I’m gonna lose readers if I don’t like I said I know I’m the only one that feels that way buts it’s a big hindering point for me

Something else is when I don’t get many comments or asks I feel unimportant like I put a lot of time work and effort for little feedback which is once again all in my head cause you all are literally the best and even if I had just one follower that enjoyed my writing I’d continue for them cause the joy I feel when someone tells me that my writing makes their day is immeasurable

Also I really don’t have any friends on here like there’s no one that I talk to or have connected with and that plays into another on of my problems is that it may seem stupid but I miss my older readers not saying I don’t like my new followers just as much but it’s different when you kinda get to know someone and then they’re are just gone which also makes me feel like a hypocrite cause I’m literally thinking about leaving

Anyways it all sounds really ridiculous if you think about it I mean I just made this account to write but I didn’t know what others things I’d encounter here but the best way I can describe it is I feel lonely and I think that was one of the main reasons for my lack of motivation but I can’t blame anyone cause you all have lives going on and they don’t stop just cause someone posts a fic on tumblr

So those are the more app base problems that I have but as for life in general it’s been really tough all around when I made this account I was only part time but as months went by people from my job quit so I was able to pick up more hours and more hours means more money now typically forty hour jobs are the norm but for me it’s been really tough cause I got hired in October (the day before heeseung’s birthday lol hehe anyways) and my immune system is very weak so I was shifting between first and third shift till October so you could imagine what that was like and it’s still not that much better because of this I don’t eat on proper schedule cause I get home and im so tired I just fall asleep and miss dinner leaving only one meal a day which is lunch with all that being said I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and energy overall so I think that also has a lot to do with my mental status I’ve really just been completely out of it today I was just on auto pilot and it felt terrible cause I had no control over how I feel

I have a lot of emotional stress and family issues that are really bad but I will not talk about that here I typically take out my stress by working and doing things which is the worst way to cope cause my body can not take all the stress I endure nor my mind I’ll usually workout or work extra hard and push myself beyond the limit cause somehow that makes me feel hopeful and motivated to not give up it’s weird but it works

It’s also weird to talk about this here but I feel everyone deserves an explanation for why I feel like leaving

A big problem of mine I’m a huge people pleaser like to an extent that’s almost troubling so I always try my best to accommodate everyone and guess who that leaves on the back burner

Me

And that’s a big problem cause I should always put myself first but I didn’t as I stated before I wrote two of my favorite stories “popcorn” and “angel” angel took ten hours while popcorn took about seven “train ride home” also falls into the category of works I made in just one day I was so excited to post them for everyone hoping it would get a good response and to please my readers at the expanse of me using my whole day off just to write one fic

Overworking has been my downfall since I can remember like I mentioned some time ago I work till the point of satisfaction I push myself to the limit to test myself even if I know I can do it I still have to put my body under some type of physical pain until I’m satisfied an example of this would be a few years ago I used to do sprinting I still do just not as often but I was so driven to beat my previous record that I was out till midnight I ran the same course too many times to count so many times I gave myself a cramp and still kept going I didn’t stop until I beat my record with a cramp and all

This leads me to my stubbornness I just can’t stop even with writers block I continually try to write stories that’s why I didn’t feel like taking a break was an option cause if I know myself I’d just go back and back time and time again in the past I mentioned taking breaks but I never really did I just didn’t post for awhile behind the scenes I was still in fact writing

After awhile I think the positive feedback really kept me wanting to post something about the notifications was almost like an addiction so I kept posting and posting till I eventually went through everything all my plots and idea’s poof gone but I still wanted to please everyone so I continued to post even when I felt it was sub par

I only have a few works I’m proud of but I still beat myself up cause they could have been better overall it’s just I don’t know how to explain it or what’s going on it even feels strange to me one minute I’m up next minute I’m down I think there’s a lot of things to attribute this to such as my lifestyle and just getting older but who really knows

Ultimately the biggest reason is I just feel like I’m not good enough I think that’s what it really boils down to unfortunately I know I’m way too hard on myself and it’s really not this deep but I can’t help it I wanted to share this with everyone to let you know that I really tried my best

And when my best isn’t good enough I can’t help but feel disappointed with myself I’m a perfectionist as well so that doesn’t help my situation in conclusion I’m having a mental battle with myself I think if I can get in tune with my body and mind I could come back stronger and better but as of right now that’s going to take all my effort I am currently working on all these problems I mentioned

Even though it was very tough for me to share my mind with the world it has also been healing and a great experience at times I’m glad there’s a platform for like minded people to meet without any judgement and hostility I’m greatful to everyone who has followed my tumblr journey all I can say is I love you all🤎

Sincerely your hee simp president

#feels a little better to say a few of these things #but as I mentioned saying how I feel is so fucking hard bro #i keep my emotions to myself for so long I don’t know how to let them out and that fucking sucks big man ass tbh🤣 #if you made it to the end thank you for your time #once again I love you all so much🤎 #the time I spent with everyone here was the absolute best just a reminder that you are all amazing all twelve hundred and fifty of you 🤎

[gatoplanet]

What would be your ideal storyline for klaus in s4?

ahhhh this is a good question - i don’t wanna get too invested in any one prediction and disappoint myself, and also s3 was vastly better than any of the possibilities i had floating around in my head lmao BUT!! even if i don’t have a lot of specific events in mind, i know what emotional beats i’d like his story to hit, if that makes sense? like, from how i’ve read klaus’s arc so far, what would feel like the most cohesive ending to me

in my mind tua as a whole is about overcoming maladaptive coping mechanisms and reclaiming agency, but also it’s got bants and superpowers to keep it from just being agonizingly depressing all the time. every sibling has a different way of dealing with their shared trauma, and imo klaus is very much the avoidant one - he dulls the world, distracts himself, occasionally fucks off to the jungle for ten months and falls in love, Just Klaus Things. idk how much of this is in the text and how much is just me rotating it in my brain for three years, but i see klaus’s original dave side quest as a) a necessary grounding element for what is otherwise a difficult character to run a thread through, and b) whatever the opposite of a stress test is?? not that being in vietnam wasn’t stressful, obviously it was a nightmare, but it was a self-contained nightmare with no connection to the main plot or to klaus’s history. there was more than enough going on to completely consume klaus for the time he was there. he got to exist separately from his usual self for a while, as well as the circumstances that cultivated that version of him, and i think of dave as a symbol of that, i guess. good narrative shorthand for ‘klaus went off by himself and got to do some growing, and then it got taken away and he’s back where he started with extra bonus sadness’

klaus getting sober to contact dave’s ghost and making long-term plans to help dave in the 60s are both him trying to reclaim part of the peace that he found and lost. but because he’s back in the environment that shaped him (aka the main plotline lmao) it’s not working. which is a big part of why i didn’t mind the lack of dave in s3 - klaus has to find a way to bring his peace into his actual life, and to do that, he has to face his life instead of avoiding it. he spends the season looking for his mother, learning about his powers, trying to bring his family together to get things done - all much more active things than we’ve seen from him in the past, and very believable ways for him to start to take the reins a little bit, i think!! except he’s not actually taking the reins, reggie still has the reins and is letting klaus pretend to hold them like a toy steering wheel in a grownup car. klaus isn’t confronting the source of the trauma, he’s confronting the symptoms. and then reggie turns on him, and it’s a testament to how much klaus’s character has already changed over the series that luther was able to talk him out of reverting back to full avoidance mode again

so klaus, god, what. backburnered his problems for 30 years, completely skipped out on his problems for ten months, liked what he found there, got dragged back unwillingly, and tried to face his problems for the first time only to have that backfire spectacularly thanks to the same person who gave him the problems in the first place. he’s somewhere unfamiliar without his power, which was both the source of a lot of his trauma and the thing that let him avoid further trauma (ie losing ben forever) for as long as he did. absolutely insane character situation. i’m chewing on my bluetooth keyboard. when robert said he wants to see klaus lose it a little without his powers, this is the shit that flashed before my eyes - yes, it would technically make his day-to-day life easier to not worry about ghosts all the time, but also his power was his failsafe!! the thing that caused him so much pain, that he’s been running from his whole life, is also literally what kept him alive in the first place!! it took his childhood and gave him his brother back!!!! and now it’s gone, both the bad and the good that came from it, and all that’s left are some gnarly addictions and the vague memory of being happy for a while. literally don’t look at me. fuck

all of that being said, to me a satisfying end for klaus would be some sign that he’s at least on the path towards reconciling his self-contained escapist happiness with his actual non-escapist life. i think his relationship with sparrow ben is gonna be a big part of that, since og ben was arguably the ‘good’ part of klaus’s powers-centric bad coping strategy, or at least the part that he was occasionally getting something positive from. i do also want to see him get his powers back, because i feel like ‘the trauma is solved by making the source of the trauma go away’ is not that great of a bow to tie on a series about the lingering effects of trauma lmao. i think there’s also space for dave in s4 to reprise his role as ‘symbol of the time klaus was happy but only because he Won At Avoidance’ - that could either mean klaus getting meaningful closure for the relationship, or bringing dave into his future in a healthy way as shorthand for him finally metabolizing the growth he did in ten-month jungle emotional rehab and incorporating it into his life

that is so many paragraphs i’m sorry. that’s a fucking essay. tumblr is gonna readmore me whether i like it or not

#kat planet’s klave hour

[overcomeanxietycolorado]

The Benefits of Procrastination and The Costs!

What I’d like to do right now is

ride my bike, swim, do yoga for the second time today, meditate, eat cookies and drink iced coffee even though its 2 p.m. and it may keep me awake tonight.

I would also like to work in my garden. Any garden, really.

I’ve been known to pull weeds at the neighbors house just because I see them. I’m itching to redo an overgrown patch in front of my friend’s lovely lawn, because its a mess and I could make it better in an hour.

I’d love to take off this afternoon and play. I’d drive to the mountains and hike. Or I could bake something with all those overripe bananas I’ve been saving in the freezer.

This is called productive procrastination, and I am so good at this it should be call Lisa’s favorite work avoidance strategy.

Who needs to work all the time? Not me.

Once I have the thought, “on Thursday, I’ll write a blog”, the intention is out there and the avoidance begins!

I have been so productive today.

I went to the grocery store, returned an item to the amazon drop off site, set up home and auto insurance policies, donated some old glasses, took a long walk at Wash Park, had a long talk about one of my personal challenges, and even meditated.

And now you and I are just talking about what happens when we want to avoid a job we’ve given ourselves, or worse, a job someone else has given us.

Luckily, I came across several articles on procrastination in my in-box just today. Looks like its not just you and me suffering from this.

What kind of procrastination do you fall into?

Arousal procrastination – good for people who love the thrill of getting something done at the last minute. Extra points if you stay up most of the night before your deadline!

Avoidant procrastination – for when you fear the outcome of your task. You may think it won’t be good enough or that someone will criticize you.

Impulsivity and Distraction procrastination – best for those who just don’t feel like adulting today and are willing to wait and see if there are any real consequences of their behavior.

Productive procrastination – my favorite. Working on other tasks to avoid the one that you are dreading.

The cost of procrastination?

While, I love to have fun with this, it’s not a pretty picture.

Procrastination habits can lead to more anxiety and a slow decline into depression.

These feelings can drive procrastination and increase after procrastination.

Is it a cycle you’re caught in right now?

Most of us do get caught in the procrastination cycle sometimes.

I’m not going to tell you how to avoid procrastination like most of those articles do.

Why not?

I suspect procrastination is just the tip of the iceberg and there are other things you need to talk about, the real issues causing you emotional pain, stress and sleepless nights.

Trying to avoid feelings is what keeps you in your procrastination cycle.

Procrastination may be just one of the problems.

Therapy can help.

If you’d like to talk to a real person who has (mostly) found her way out (for now), please sign up for a free consult, for a session today.

#Mental Health #Procrastination

[robynthomsonnapierfilm]

Moth! PRODUCTION DIARY

NIGHT SHOOT

The night shoot was my first time lighting a night scene. I hadn’t had time for a test shoot at night so I went into this shoot day with my fingers crossed that all the research I had done, and lighting plans I had made would work on set. With every shoot – even if I have done meticulous lighting plans, blocking, planning, and photographing locations in advance – there is a possibility that things won’t go to plan when translating my pre-production plans and ideas onto what I see on camera.

Here are some of the notes I'd taken for this scene's lighting plans during pre-production:

(I had drawn up an official blocking plan for camera and lighting too but I think I lost it on set as I'd torn it out of my notebook to show the camera crew when we were on location)

I felt so grateful for my ACs (Gordie Bryce and Gonçalo Góis) and gaffer (Dan Young) this shoot day. I think this was one of my most stressful days on set since I was already feeling uncertainty around what I’d shot that morning in the dining room. Luckily we had to wait for it to get dark outside before we began to film the night scene, so I had time to go over my lighting plans with my ACs and gaffer (aka my lifesavers). I was so grateful for this extra prep time because we had the opportunity to test out a variety of placements for lights – testing out different levels of brightness, gels vs. no gels, and placements until we settled on the lighting look I was most content with.

I could definitely feel my stress levels rising as the time to shoot grew nearer and nearer. I felt guilty making actors stand in to test lighting because of the low temperatures outside, and the overall tiredness of our longest shoot day was starting to get to me a little. Luckily, the Moth! team were excellent at looking out for each other, and Lilith (in true director style) directed me to sit down for a little while my ACs finished setting up under my instructions. While I often talk about how fulfilling I find the long hours and hard work on set, this day did show me the importance of taking breaks on set when they are needed. While it is good to push yourself, working with heavy kit and having to be constantly mentally switched on all day does begin to take a toll after some time. That being said, after a short break, seeing the scene set and hearing that the actors were ready for our first take of the night shot the excitement right back into me and I was raring to go once again.

Here are some BTS pictures from the night shoot:

(Photos taken by Abi Avery)

KITCHEN ARGUMENT CONTINUOUS TAKE

I shot one long continuous take for scene 2 (the argument between Sophia and her mum in the kitchen) which didn’t fully make the final cut. Since this idea first popped into my head during discussion with Lilith in pre-production, I have been SO EXCITED to finally film it. Shooting a scene as one continuous long take was something very new to me, but something I had always dreamed of doing. This is our most intense scene in the film. It’s the first time we are introduced to Sophia’s mum and the first time we show the dynamic between these two characters to the audience. I felt that I had to do this justice by emulating the highly string emotions through the camera. 

During rehearsals (which I have written about in a previous blog post), I could practice the blocking with stand in actors, which gave me footage to review and find what I liked and disliked with the continuous take. My main takeaway from the rehearsal was that I felt the emotions I wanted to convey didn’t come through the way I wanted with a wider lens. It didn’t feel intimate enough. So, I knew on the day of filming to shoot with a closer lens to create this feeling of claustrophobia that I felt the character Sophia was feeling throughout this scene. I’m glad I made this decision because it definitely got across the pace, visual style, and mood that I wanted from the very beginning. We also did a couple of takes with a wider lens for safety and editing sake.

Considering this was the scene we thought would take the longest to shoot, we ended up having some spare time on set. We took this as an opportunity to add in some extra coverage shots including close-ups of the flowers (a significant element in this scene) and experimenting with different angles of the scene that our editor Brontë could use if need be.

Shooting these extra shots turned out to be really useful in the edit because the pacing of the scene was much quicker than we would have liked in the context of the rest of the film. By cutting up the continuous long take and splicing in cutaways throughout, we could create breathing room in the scene and spread of the pacing to a much better point. While it is a shame the entire take won’t be used in the final cut, I am still content knowing that my original idea went to plan. It is a good feeling to know I have the ability to bring ambitious plans to fruition and this experience has motivated me not to hold back on plans in the future out of fears it won’t work.

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary + badger secondary (unhealthy double bird model)

May I submit from the SortMe list please? The most difficult time in my life so far has to be in Nursing school. In hindsight I know that I pursued that career path for all the wrong reasons. It sounded good to me. Interesting, helping people and decent pay. It’s a job you SHOULD be pursuing. Even tho I distinctly remember a little while before thinking how I’d never want to be a nurse because that means I’ll be away from my future family.

Ah, okay. In that case, I think you're a Loyalist for sure. The first thing is to be close to your family. You made that decision in a kind of Bird primary way - it looks good on paper, the money is good etc. And for another person that might have been enough, but it sounds like for you particularly... not so much.

In hindsight I also found it ironic that my least favorite part was doing clinical. I always felt so exposed. Like I HAD to do everything perfectly or I look incompetent or stupid. I was warned beforehand how hard nursing would be. That just because I was a good student didn’t mean I’d do well.

This sounds a little like a perfectionist streak? Or maybe take that one step further, and it's about being *perceived* as a perfectionist? Perfectionism is unfortunately just a human flaw, but this focus on the *community* and what *they* think might be evidence of Badger primary.

However my family kept saying how hard of a worker I was and how I should take their advice with a grain of salt. I was a hardworker so I’d be fine. It also helped that it seemed like people were coming out of the woodwork to help me as soon as I made the decision.

This sounds like a Badger secondary. Like, it's possible that you modeled a Badger secondary to please your family... but you do seem to own it, and the 'people coming out of the woodwork to help' is a very Badger-secondary-to-the-core thing. You don't even need to ask them, most of the time. They just kind of show up.

Then I entered and I was immediately overwhelmed! The hardest part was the emotional toll. Everything was such high stakes it felt like I could never take a BREAK. Nursing became my world and nothing else mattered. Which I was warned about beforehand, but experiencing it is different.

Okay, so. YEAH, nursing school is very hard and very brutal. But I'm interested in what you found so hard. And what I'm hearing is permeable boundaries. Everything is getting though, you can always work harder, and the stakes are so high that it means you SHOULD. It sounds like we've got some Badger (and I suspect you're a Double Badger) lack of boundaries going on. You're throwing so much of yourself into your community, that you forget that you're part of your community too.

I generally a bit of a loner but I felt even more isolated.

Brutal for a Badger primary. You need your community.

I spent every night in the library studying my ass off eating and breathing Nursing and trying my HARDEST. I built a routine that wasn’t foolproof but it gave me decent grades most of the time. Got extra help everything that’s SUPPOSED to lead to success but it wasn’t enough.

You're doing the Badger thing - buckle down and work MORE, but it does seem that you're doing it in a Bird way, which you clearly didn't *love.* Like it worked *okay.*

The one thing I didn’t do was actually try to study with my classmates more. Which probably would have helped me the most.

I agree. That would be be something that would make your Badger primary happy (and fit in with your Badger secondary problem-solving as well.)

I ended up failing our. The thing about it though is that as soon as I knew for SURE that I’d failed out and there was no way to keep my spot I felt relieved. The pressure lifted for the first time since starting college. Sure I had to switch majors but anything I picked felt like it would be infinitely less stressful than Nursing. It felt nice to know that no matter what happened my fate was sealed when before everything felt up in the air.

I suspect that Birds make especially good health professionals *because* it's easier for them to keep everything at a bit of arm's length if they need to (and systemize things like self-care - they're *very* good at that.) And there was a period where you wanted to be, or were trying to be a Double Bird, and the whole process didn't suit you very much. I suspect that you'll be much happier (and more effective!) at whatever career you try next.

#sortinghatchats #shc #submission #wisteria sorts #sortme #double badger #bird primary model #bird secondary model #badger primary #badger secondary

[nightmarenova-writer]

~Story Drabble Time!! Ft. My Chaotic Thought Process~ #3?

(P.S. this is just a messy asf timeline of how my thought process happened to rapidly grow what was a small comment in my mind into what it is now Lmao. This is gonna be a wild ride so buckle up!)

The first thought: I could do this better what the hell, the story is getting to confusing with all the things there adding to it that I can’t even follow it anymore! I can’t even read this anymore, I’m dropping it.

- this came from a fanfic I was reading that involved multiple fandoms, with many being added in some of the most sloppiest transitions I’ve ever seen, to just straight up giving, ‘this is now a thing, deal with it.’ vibes. It physically hurt me and my inner writer to read what once was a beautifully story turn into a hot mess no one could save. And with this single thought my brain went into hyper drive of what I could do with the bare bones of inspiration I was given by that one fic. Which would lead to now, 2 years of planning and outlining in the works lmao.

The first few months (March - May 2021): During the first few months it was definitely the turning point for me. At first I wasn’t even planning on doing anything with it, cause in the past whenever I tried to write stories I would write a few pages but then that was it. I couldn’t really go far with it since a majority of those times it was impulsive writing and school assignments. So imagine my shock when my brain was giving me the epiphany of a whole ass story line. Main character, back story and all just weaving into a symphony that just clicked. It literally was a ‘Oh yeah, its all coming together’ moment.

The six month mark ( August 2021): By this time I had playlists of songs I could include inside my story (it’s a fic but idk why I’m calling it this). But I was still unorganized when it came to some things, for example the playlists. I had too many but I didn’t want to fix them (until I ended up doing this by July of 2022) so it caused some confusion and set backs when I needed a certain track to get in the mood for a scene, arc, or etc. All of this along with needing to gather materials and references for my story came into play too. In the form of Pinterest, my savior and holy ground for resources and everything I needed in order to saved said stuff.

End of year (December 2021 - January 2022): Oh god, at this time frame I wasn’t really doing much for my story due to the stress of work and the holiday season coming to a close. But that didn’t mean I dropped it entirely, I just worked on things that where also stress relievers for me. So it was mainly music related alongside some written drafts when I had some extra time. (When it comes down to it I’m a write first, type later type of girl)

I also didn’t work on the scenes I wanted to because I didn’t want the stress and negativity from work to seep into or infect them. Especially the scenes that where more or less emotional. Cause I’d be damned if I let my stress screw up a fluff scene I wanted to write down but held off cause I knew my brain would.

One year mark and then some (March - May 2022): This time was the one year mark of planning and outlining my story. And when I tell you I was excited but freaked out I mean it. Like this was the first time I ever really put some much effort into anything??? And I didn’t even lose interest in it!? This was a big thing for me since in the past I was a impulsive writer and would drop stories like hot cakes, so the fact I was till going at this strong made me so proud and happy!!

But this was also a time where I went through a lot of revision with what I had planned out as for the installments. So a lot of taking stuff out and placing stuff in type of thing.

Year and a half mark (July - August 2022):

This is where I went on a organize everything tangent. Like I MEAN EVERYTHING! From the music playlists to the boards I had on Pinterest including the material I have in my room nothing was spared. But I’m glad I did, after all it made things so much easier to sort stuff into and find things related to a specific segment or installment.

Although there where something’s I needed to sort through it was fine if I did it little by little since this was only for the music playlists. This time frame was just a lot of cleaning up and proper organizing lol

End of the Year (December 2022 - January 2023):

This is where I finally began to work on some stuff, like sitting down typing away with my materials spread out on my desk surrounded by cups filled with either coffee, monster, or as of recently hot chocolate. Of course as of right now I’m taking a much needed break as my work place has been having a little trouble with the payroll (or the hours they can give us to work) so I’ve been working only one day a week for three weeks now(?? Or two idk the days have been squished together for me) so I’ve definitely been taking advantage of this.

But this has been the short and undoubtedly chaotic time frame of my thought process and the things I’ve been doing. While this wasn’t a story or what you where probably expecting, I just wanted to share my progress and dedication towards my project. Like cause dam man, two years??? That’s some determination right there man, and I’m know to not really show that towards anything really so this is a huge thing for me. But yeah, hoped you liked reading my rough around the edges time line of events!

#thought process time line ft. me #journey to make my project #2 years of planning like holy shit #2 year mark #this was chaotic for me to write ngl #had to use my brain to remember all this and now it hurts’ #headache gang time #this made me want to cry tears of joy #cause I’m just so proud of myself like ONG

[damneddualities]

I’m just gonna vent because when I get this frustrated and stressed I go pretty much nonverbal but keeping it in doesn’t help either. Also I can’t afford therapy so Tumblr it is.

I recently adopted a cat to be my ESA as petting and cuddling with a cat has always helped calm me down and is almost stim like. I had to leave my elderly cat back home partially due to his age but also because my sister would have thrown a fit if I took MY cat with me down south while I was in school. Mind you she adopted a kitten a couple months ago. Part of the reason I did t fight it was because she also needs animals for emotional support. Yknow she has her dog but whatever I’ve mostly moved past that.

Last year I lost the last kitten I had adopted to the FVIP which is basically kitty COVID and has a 10% of becoming a neurological issue that is almost immediately fatal. My partner is living with me in our apartment while I finish up my last year of college. Before coming down my mom made them promise to not let me get a cat. Mind you she didn’t communicate this with me, my partner did. They have recognized however that our cat greatly improved my mental health and my stress based compolusions. However I have not told my mom yet about our cat.

This is for a few reasons. One being the aforementioned “promise”. Another is that I recently lost my job because I was apparently hired on as seasonal despite being hired before seasonal started. I still don’t have a job and it’s been almost a month. So my mom who is a co-signer on our lease has been helping with rent and groceries because inflation is a bitch on top of being without a job.

Mind you I only adopted this cat because I had gotten hired somewhere. Only to be immediately ghosted on when I would start (then never even sent me the onboarding information). So now I have no savings, no job income for at least another three weeks (working on getting hired somewhere else) and suddenly my cat is shitting blood.

Took her to the closest vet I could because I didn’t have money for a carrier yet. The internet and reviews said they were good and adorable. The first visit is even free! I get there and the tech that comes in immediately starts talking about money and cost. They barely even looked at my cat.

Anyway I explain what caused me to come in (part of it being trauma from suddenly losing my last cat) and they advise me that they’ll probably have to do blood work and give her meds and the price tag just keeps upping. I tell them the most I could possibly pay that day (as they didn’t have any payment plan options and my deductible on the pet insurance hadn’t been paid yet anyway) was $200

So the tech takes my baby back and I sit alone in that room for upwards of twenty minutes. When the tech comes back the vet is with him. She has a type of tapeworm-adjacent intestinal parasite. They tell me they’re putting her in three medications: a probiotic to help with the diarrhea, an antibiotic for the inflamed anus cussed by the excessive shitting (which was where the blood was coming from) and the meds for the parasite itself. Only the Rx for the parasite isn’t on hand and I have to order it through chewy. (So another $20-40. That prescription isn’t even expected to arrive before the 1st so it will have been a week since the appointment that the meds arrive. )The vet leaves and I pay the $147 (an extra $12 for the cardboard carrier they used) and go home.

The next day she is shitting everywhere with seemingly no control. Luckily we had quarantined her to the bathroom so our dog wouldn’t get infected from eating her poop. Now she has rectal incontinence from the parasites. And on top of that she’s bloated from it as well. None of these symptoms/side effects were things the vet told me to expect. So I’m panicking and thankfully was able to get in touch with a vet through online chat for free as I’d gone completely nonverbal in my panic and stress.

All this leads up to me having an emotional breakdown in bed the other night because one of the things I struggle the most with is feeling like a burden, especially a financial one. And I feel like an awful pet owner because our cat loves cuddles and being around the rest of us and now she’s quarantined in the bathroom and I can hear her meowing for attention that I can’t give her for longer than like five minutes.

My partner comforted me and helped me get out of my head and I finally felt like I was doing a bit better. Then my mom calls and because I was taking a depresso nap I didn’t answer so she texts the both of us. To my partner she texts her questions and to me I get the anxiety inducing “call your mother now” text.

I call her. Immediately I’m being berated for using DoorDash to buy McDonald’s the other day. Sorry my depression is chronic and makes it hard to find motivation to cook lunch let alone eat. Then she moves on to my use of Cashapp. A use which I’ve told her in the past it to get money into my own account through another bank which doesn’t have branches near where I’m currently living. Money which needs to be in there for my bills such as my medications and reoccurring subscriptions to be paid. Also it was how I was paying for the vet visit without her finding out I have a cat.

Yes I know I should tell her but I know that when I do it will be an endless barrage of how I don’t know how to save money or so finances and how I shouldn’t get an animal if I can’t afford it and basically implying that I am a financial burden. A concern I have shared with her in the past and she has assured me I’m not. She may say it but her actions and the way she talks to me say otherwise. And if I tell her I got it becuase I had been hired but then was unexpectedly ghosted she’ll give me shit about not confronting the people who “hired” me, knowing that I don’t do well with confrontations with authority and that I don’t communicate well when I’m upset or stressed.

She also started in on why the hell was I needing to take a nap. And rather than have to explain my mental disabilities ((adhd, chronic depression, anxiety (and undiagnosed autism)) tax on me physically I just told her I had a headache (another thing I deal with chronically). She immediately goes into well, and I quote, “prepare for the headache to get worse” and that’s when she starts laying in about the expenses on my account that she has access to. I’m fucking 25 I don’t want to be treated like a child who doesn’t realize how the world works.

Mind you this woman spent at least 2/3 of her teaching career working with disabled kids as a special needs teacher. But would she ever admit her own daughter is autistic and has periods of being nonverbal? No. And I learned not to rely on others because my older siblings always seemed to be of a higher priority growing up than I did. My middle sister is medically diagnosed as “mentally retarded” (yahoo /s for the medical industry 30+ years ago not knowing what the term developmentally delayed is -_-) so she was mentally younger than I was by the type I was ten. My oldest sister is practically a narcissist who I was constantly compared to and I saw how she took advantage of my mom financially (she’s 35+ and has a well laying career but my mom is still the one paying her student loans).

This has probably made no sense and is all over the place but I’m too tired to edit it to be more cohesive and I warned y’all it was a rant. I’m just tired of being treated like an idiot and a burden. Not to even mention the fact that I’m supposed to have access to the money my grandfather set aside for me in a trust (RIP Popop) but my mom won’t confront her younger sister about why she hasn’t handled it yet. Which brings up my partners concern that if the trust wasn’t set up before my grandfather death and is only stipulated in the will then my aunt as the executor can just say fuck you to all of us and keep everything for herself. With her being the most well off out of all of us.

My Popop vaguely told me about this money before he passed because he saw how the world was going financially. He knew I would struggle as the youngest. My middle sister will likely always live with my parents. My eldest sister is married with kids and has a well paying career and owns a home. I’m relying on grants and scholarships and federal loans to pay for college and worked (including my schooling, and my internship) over 75 hours a week last semester just to get by. Plus I know that when my parents go I will be responsible for my middle sister. We do not get along. She resents me for not having the same difficulties as her and for having thing she doesn’t as her younger sister. But my narcissistic eldest sister is a fucking cunt who would probably just blatantly refuse to help out. So I get to be implied to be a burden who is incapable of managing their own money while also being blasted with the pressure of knowing that should anything happen to my parents I will become responsible for my middle sister.

TLDR: moms are fucking nosy and incredibly ableist despite being a former special needs teacher who’s students still remember and send her gifts and I’m out of a job with a shit ton of sudden expenses

If you’d like to help out my Cashapp and Venmo are both lexmars42 and you could even buy something from my redbubble (same as my tumblr handle). Literally a fucking dollar or two would be appreciated.

#mental heath issues #rant #tw narcissistic sibling #tw financial issues #tw pet loss #tw mental illness #unexpected expenses #money issues #overbearing parent #I want to scream but our apartment walls are very thin #and my partner is streaming their dnd campaign #I want to cry but also not

[onestept]

Day 27

Today has been... a bit of a roller coaster.

Firstly, we started taking real phone calls at work today and it was stressful to say the least. I did my best but, I made many MANY mistakes. Worst case scenario, I get fired. Technically the worst case scenario is that I get a hefty fine for violating HIPAA but, I don’t think that will happen.

Anyways, we didn’t text much today. It’s fine but, I feel like I started out being kinda annoyed with you about the FaceTime thing and the package delivery thing then at some point I dropped all of that and was back to missing you and feeling nothing but love and desire.

I hoped like HELL that FedEx wouldn’t attempt to deliver your package until I got off work but, of course the doorbell rang in the MIDDLE of one of my calls. I literally could not answer the door and this was supposed to be the final attempt but, they might try again tomorrow if I’m reading the tracking info correctly. it’s funny because this is so frustrating and stressful for me because after three delivery attempts I’m supposed to pick up the package somewhere before they return it to the company. But I told you I couldn’t receive the package and you weren’t the slightest bit upset, annoyed, or frustrated. You’re so level headed. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure sometimes because I feel like I’m SO emotional and overthink-y and just all over the fucking place. Why do I deserve such a stable person?

Now I’m tearing up a bit because a few hours ago I just suddenly felt very depressed and unmotivated. I’m not sure what could have caused this besides the fact that work was a tad more stressful than usual? But I just feel so defeated. I miss you. I’m working 7 days a week. I was SO tired I napped after work even though I’d originally planned to get groceries since I have basically no food currently. I couldn’t even force myself to work out so now, that’s two days in a row with no exercise. I took Riot on an extra long walk instead but I still feel so guilty especially because I ordered UberEats instead... and it’s some greasy fried food.

I just have SO much I need to do this week and I’m so tired just at the thought of it. I think I can do it though. I’m just sad because things aren’t necessarily falling apart at the moment but, I still wish you were here for support and backup. It’s so unfair I’m doing everything alone like this would be so much easier if you were here with me

Okay this is a longer post and now I’m crying so, to be continued.

[patrocles-you-bitch]

Alright, so it’s been a while, but a lot of shit has happened and the one person I rlly want to talk to isn’t available so… enjoy..? This is really just a way for me to get things out/ have a place to think, feel free to ignore.

Backstory to understand the sitch:

1. I have an Indian mom, who’s always been very on me about my grades, this leading me to place the entirety of my self worth onto my grades and reaching 90s avg all through my school (except Gr 12, which I’ll get to). She’s also very emotional, and prone to getting in these furious moods when she’s really mad at us (not always unprompted but sometimes more traumatizing and unnecessary than anything else)

2. I wanted to get into the life sciences program this year, which I did, but not to my top choice. Even so, I have absolutely no idea what my end goal is, my mom is very very annoyed at this.

3. I’m an immigrant, a brown, gay, immigrant.

4. Last year (Gr 11) I broke thanks to the pandemic. Mental health went to shit, became even worse and led me to self harm and such. Parents found out, got therapy, mom backed off the pressure this year so I wouldn’t be as stressed.

Okay now to the thing:

I’m currently in burnt out gifted kid syndrome. But I’ve also become very lazy, if I’m being honest. And I know this, I know I’m wasting my potential but I found myself left without ANY motivation this year. Up until 12, I had equated my worth to my marks, as had my parents- but then I was trying to learn how to be mentally stable and stop that. I didn’t realize just how horrible that would be for me.

I used to be good at math, like, really good. It was my thing, numbers fascinated me and I loved working with them. Then advanced functions hit hard, and I was left with an 82 for the final avg and a 78 in Chem. I retook Chem in nightschool second Sem and ended with a 90, but now my calc mark is at a 66. I know I could’ve done so much better on my calc, if I tried more, if I dropped the extra course I def didn’t need, but my thoughts just went back to “oh but that course helps keep you mentally stable” or “mh matters more and you’re doing your best”. I wasn’t doing my best. My program is literally very science and maths based, and if I can’t get through gr12 math how the fuck am I supposed to do uni?

My mom had the same question. A couple week ago I had a panic attack during my calc test. Leading me to failing the test and needing a makeup (which I might write tmrw). I didn’t tell anyone in my family, cause even tho I knew they’d see the report card, I just couldn’t let them see how much of a failure I’d become. Not yet anyways. Unfortunately, my mom found out about the test because she saw an email I had sent my teacher about it. This ensues the chaos, the regrets, disappointments, screaming, and anger.

She says that she’s mad at herself for not continuing to push me, for letting me take my life into my own hands because now I’ve gone and ruined it, have shorty marks and have let my life go to rot. That if I can’t even do tests and stuff in high school, or get through them without panic attacks, then how am I supposed to face life? Because profs won’t go “oh nooo you had a panic attack? You’re depressed? Sure I’ll give you a makeup test” And then she told me that I wasn’t ready for uni, I don’t even have a proper endgame, and should take a gap year. So that I can collect my thoughts, retake the math courses, and then do it again.

I have literally been working years to get to uni, and now I’m doubting my ability to do anything. There are 2 main perspectives I have for this.

1. I know how horrible time year has been, I can very clearly see every single mistake I’ve made and know what I could’ve done to fix them. I’ve learned a lot, honestly, and I want to do better, I know I can. I’m aware of what’s taken my focus away and I know where to put more energy. This has honest to gods been a very rough learning experience, one i intend to grow from and am happy I got to experience. And I know that I really really want to try in university, I want to experience it and succeed and excel. Make my family proud, as it were.

2. I don’t know if I’m ready. I can see every single mistake and am terrified of repeating the same mistakes, but on higher stakes. My mom said that I’m just like my uncle, or that she sees the resemblance anyways, and that not who I am or who I want to be. There’s a literal example in the family and I don’t want to turn into him. I refuse. I didn’t even see how they were related and now I do, and I hate it , because I really did take my eye off the ball. It’s too late to fix things this year, but I want to try and continue learning and refreshing my math in the summer, so that I’m better prepared. Make myself a real schedule for it and follow through. But still (if my mom allows) be able to see my friends before everyone leaves.

A part of me thinks that she’s right. Knows it, more like. That I would never have succeeded as well if it weren’t for the pressure cooker she put me in. But also, if I’m being honest, I want to push back against that. Because I wouldn’t be in the same cooker at uni. I would be so much farther away and no consequence would seem real. Meaning there’s more of a chance I would’ve made the same mistakes I made now, but in a larger scale. I have the experience of being my cut free now, my brain automatically didn’t know how to handle it and went loose too. It’s basically psychology , I know what happened to my brain. And I’m still happy that I was left alone this year because that means that I got to see, and understand what this really feels like. I think that this would help me succeed next year. That, or I’m full of crap. I don’t know. What I do know is that my moms is tired and disappointed in me, rightfully so, and she doesn’t know what to do with me know. She wants me to give her my life plan (career wise) and tell her why I acc want to study science, and if I think I’m ready for uni. But then wtv I try to say, she’ll say that I’m just saying that to make them happy, and she’s sick of the bullshit. So, I don’t know how I can try to make her understand, try to build her faith and trust in me, I’m the fact that I can do it, can succeed in uni. I don’t know, I’m just kind of sorry about my existence.

#burnt out #gifted kid burnout #kinda depressing #i’m terrified

[crowley1990]

I hated when my therapist tried to make me talk about things my mum did to upset me because I didn’t want to bad-mouth my mum! She never did anything maliciously wrong, her approaches just weren’t always helpful with my type of overly sensitive crazy. I don’t want to snitch on her she’s a good mother 😠

#like her constantly going on about a job application would make me feel more stressed about it and would end up hindering my application #because I’d have all this extra emotional stress so all my work would take even longer #lol I’m a mess #but like that wasn’t her fault she was just concerned about me and wanted me to apply for jobs #I just don’t do well with extra external pressure when I already have enough coming from myself #but like I don’t want to snitch to my therapist about my mum like that #I just want to talk about my stress and my emotions and how this job application is hurting me #and not be like and my mum nags so she’s bad because she doesn’t care about my emotional wellbeing #because it’s just totally untrue and I don’t want anyone thinking she’s a bad mother and not trying her best #jb

[nashibirne]

Congrats on your milestone!! Love your writing and since you're doing the whole "milestone party" I would like to ask if you could write something about reader and first baby. It could be something like them being very happy in the beginning, anxious by the end of the pregnancy but in the first weeks after the baby is born everything being caotic, the reader is stressed and sometimes they fight for something silly and it could have a happy ending, maybe he preparing a special surprise for her, some smut and they kinda "reconnect"... I don't mind if it gets too big, I would appreciate if you like the idea, It can be sy or walter, their POV, the reader can have a name too if you'd like. Thank you so much and congratulations again 🎉🥳

Here comes the second fic for my milestone celebration 🥳

Dear nonie, thank you so much for your prompt 💜 I love it and it made me think of Walter and his bumblebee from my fic Closer immediately. So I hope you don't mind I made this a follow up.

I tried to include all your wishes and I hope you like the struggles, the fluff and the smut.

🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲

MAYBUG

Pairing: Walter Marshall x reader

Summary: Walt and his wife are stressed out and enjoy a little escape. Follow-up to Closer

Words: ~ 1.8 k

Warnings: Smut, NSFW, 18+, Sex (p in v), fingering, dirty talking, kinda light breeding kink, masturbation, mentioning of sex toys and voyeurism, mentioning of problematic birth

UNBETA'ED! English is not my mother tongue, so expect bad grammar, wrong spelling, chaotic punctuation and clumsy language. All mistakes are mine…

Credits: pics for the header from pinterest.

I don't own Walter Marshall (unfortunately)

If you like this story, check out my masterlist!

***********

I'm sure it wasn't so stressful with Faye when she was a baby. She was a whirlwind, challenging her mum and me 24/7 as soon as she was able to walk but I'm pretty sure in the first year she was a little angel, not doing much more than sleeping, eating and lulling us into a false sense of security, making us think the peace would last forever.

Maybe it's gonna be the other way round with our little maybug. A chaotic first year and all the peace afterwards.

We've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for almost two years now. Y/n stopped taking the pill shortly after our engagement and a few months before our wedding. I couldn't wait to get her pregnant, our sex life was great at that time, we did it as often as possible, having the time of our lives, enjoying each other and our deep connection. When my little bumblebee finally surprised me with a positive pregnancy test after 8 months of very intense trying, we were both beyond happy and completely over the moon and besides the usual pregnancy-related worries and difficulties everything went well.

That was until y/n went into labor and suddenly everything turned out to be very different from what we both had wished for. There was no calm atmosphere, no peaceful water birth but a lot of stress and anxiety instead when unexpected complications occured. I wasn't solid as a rock for her, I was a nervous wreck and very disappointed in myself but my wonderful wife was incredibly tough, fighting to be strong for both of us with fierce determination. She was no bumblebee that night, she was a hornet. In the end she had an emergency c-section and our little boy was born after almost 24 hours of labour on a mild Saturday night in May. When we finally held this perfect, beautiful little bundle of life in our arms all pain and fear was forgotten and we cried together for joy and gratefulness.

Now, six months later, we're still very happy, enjoying our family life and our time together. I've stepped back from work a little, doing office work mostly, staying away from the time consuming major cases. It's hard sometimes to be condemned to just watch my colleagues working in the front-line but I know it's worth it. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, the mistakes that ruined my first marriage and jeopardized my relationship with Faye. Besides that y/n needs my support, although she would never admit it. Our little maybug suffers from colic and cries a lot so she's constantly sleep-deprived and on top of that she tortures herself with self-reproach because breastfeeding didn't work and our baby son only gets formula, which -in her eyes- is the reason for his regular pain. She's constantly stressed out, tense and oversensitive and we fight over the most silly things.

When she had a nervous breakdown the other day because she hadn't managed to cook dinner for me after another night without sleep and a whole day of trying to calm down a crying baby in pain, I decided it was enough, that she needed a break, I needed a break and maybe even our little muffin needed a break from his worn out parents. So after y/n had a good cry on my shoulder, listening to my comforting words that made her relax a little, I made her her favorite sandwich, sent her to bed after she'd enjoyed it and took our little boy on a ride. He likes it when we drive around in my truck, the sonorous sound of the engine has a soothing effect on him and eventually he stopped crying and fell asleep, just as exhausted as his mom. I got myself a burger from the drive-through, ate it in the parking lot and I came up with an idea for a little treat for me and my wife.

And now here we are, sitting in the huge tub in the bathroom of a luxurious hotel suite in our hometown, just 20 minutes away from our little boy who's staying with y/n's sister for the weekend. It wasn't easy to convince my wife that he's going to survive one night without us and that we really need some time for us but now, after a romantic candle light dinner and a special treatment afterwards she really seems to enjoy our little escape.

"God, Walt...you were right, I needed this. The food was delicious and your massage worked wonders. Thank you so much, papa bear."

She's sitting in front of me in the steaming hot water that smells like tropical flowers, her body covered with lush foam, her back resting against my chest, her butt between my spread legs, pressing against my cock.

"Well, it wasn't a Tantra massage but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway." I press a kiss on her hair and hug her from behind. "I enjoyed it too, by the way. My hands all over your wonderful backside, that was very sexy," I whisper in her ear before I start to caress her breasts while kissing her neck. Damn, I love her tits, even more now after the pregnancy. They are so soft, so welcoming and warm, plus they are bigger than before, perfect for burying my face in them or for a filthy boob fuck.

Y/n moans softly under my touch and I go on, determined to make this date night unforgettable. After a while I let one of my hands glide over her belly, that wonderful part of her body that has carried our child and that is so smooth beneath my rough palm. I feel the stretch marks she hates so much but I kinda love them. They're like a map that shows what she's been through and what the female body is capable of. For her it's a flaw, when I look at it I see nothing but strength. With that thought I slip my hand between her legs, stroking her pussy, my fingers gliding through her swollen folds, provoking one of these drawn, hoarse moans that always escape her mouth when she likes what I'm doing and that turn me on so much. She cranes her neck to look at me and I bent my head to kiss her. The kiss is slow and sensual, tasting sweet and promising. I moan into her mouth, one hand on her tit, kneading it intensely, giving her erect nipple some extra attention with my thumb, one hand on her pussy. I keep on stroking her clit while we make out and she moves her hips, rolling them slowly against my rock-hard cock.

"You like that, baby?" I want to know, panting into her ear.

"I like it a lot…", y/n sighs, bucking her hips. I know exactly what she wants.

"How about that?" I stretch my arm, shifting my position a little to penetrate her slowly with two fingers, brushing them against her g-spot with light pressure.

"Fuck...Walt…"

Her moans are getting louder with each thrust into her cunt, her hips moving rhythmically. I stimulate her clit with my thumb and I can tell she's close, putty in my hands, a whimpering, panting mess and I love it.

"Mommy's still my little whore, right?" I ask, my voice rough and thick with arousal and desire, my dick throbbing, pressed against her ass. "Look at you, riding my fingers like the good girl you are. I love how that feels…"

I fingerfuck her harder and it doesn't take her long to cum with a loud moan, my name on her lips on top of her orgasm. She rides it out slowly, breathing heavily and I give her some time to recover before I grab her by her waist, lift her up and make her sit down on my cock. I can't wait another second, I need to feel her from the inside, her tight pussy stretching around my thick dick. She sighs when she easily sinks down on it, starting to ride me immediately, eagerly, greedy. She's still hungry, ready for more, giving me a hard time to pull myself together. I'd love to just rail her, to thrust into her cunt mercilessly to reach my own high but what I want even more is to see her come undone again, to make her fall apart on my dick, milking it when she cums again. So I hold her hips in a vice-like grip, pressing her down and she stops moving, waiting for me to take over. I let go of her hips and fuck her slowly, thrusting into her from underneath, caressing her tits, showering her shoulders with sloppy kisses.

She follows the rhythm and the pace I set and we both moan in unison. She reaches between her legs and starts touching herself which turns me on even further. I love watching her when she pleasures herself. She was a little hesitant about in the beginning of our relationship but when I even bought her some toys, she believed me that it was okay to masturbate in my presence, that it drove me absolutely wild to watch her, that I would fuck her like a predator after seeing her cum just by the touch of her own hands, using the toys I had chosen and allowed her to use. Today is no exception. Her soft moans and appreciative sighs are music to my ears and as soon as I fix my eyes on her fingers that circle her clit, while she strokes the shaft of my pounding cock with her other hand, I lose my shit.

I press her against my body and fuck her so hard and fast that the water spills all over the edge of the tub. She comes again shortly after I orgasm with a noise that's half grunt and half growl, arising deep from within my chest. My balls tighten and when I feel my cum shooting through my dick her pussy clenches around me and her body is trembling on top of mine. She cries out loud when I fill her up with my seed and I'm sure she knows that I imagine breeding her, when I keep on thrusting lightly, not pulling out even after we've both come down from our highs and my hard-on softens.

I know we still have to wait a few months till she gets pregnant again because her body needs time to heal but I guess it doesn't hurt to practice as often as we feel like it and to dream of adding another little bug to our family.

🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲

Taglist (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @artandotherdelights @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @liliumdream @enchantedbytomandhenry @greensleeves888 @witcherfan @margauxmargaux07 @radaofrivia @m07belzen @a-little-counter-esperanto @starstruckkittyangel @mary-ann84 @sillyrabbit81 @emelinelovesjc @wheretheriversrunintothesea @lam0ureuxq @kingliam2019 @pandaxnienke @littleone65 @coloraturadiva

#henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill fanfiction #walter marshall fanfiction #walter marshall #walter marshall x you #walter marshall smut #ask nashi #follower celebration #follower milestone

[yeah-i-like-to-write]

TOKYO REVENGER MANGA SPOILER DEATH CAUSED BY A TRUCK

Can I request Hanma s/o comforting him after he found out Kisaki died

Disclaimer: I binged the entire Tokyo revengers today because I had nothing to do. So yeah you don’t have to worry about spoilers anymore :]

Hanma Shuji - Headcannons

When you heard the light knock on your apartment door you immediately knew it was him.

Opening the door you saw him. His face was slightly bruised and bloody but he looked so exhausted.

“Han,my god come in.” You urged the man into your house and ushered him to the couch. You left to the small kitchen and grabbed the led kit you often used for him. Pacing back to him you crouched to where your face was infront of his. Hanma’s eyes were red and looked as if he wanted to cry. “What’s wrong,Hanma?” You asked as you took out a wound cleaning pad. “Kisaki..he..” his lips were lightly quivering. You placed the cleaning pad onto his cheek where a cut was before looking up at him confused. “You don’t mean..” you realized what could’ve happened and that’s why he’d been crying. “He’s dead..YN. Kisaki is dead!” He yelled in anger,his voice cracking. You lunged forward wrapping your arms around his neck. “I am so..sorry..” you were hesitant on your word choice,not wanting to upset him more.

He hated pity. He hated when people pitied him as if they were looking down on him.

But from you,his boyfriend it was different. He found comfort in your words knowing you didn’t think of him any less.

So he accepted your hug and leaned more into it. His face buried in the crook of your neck.

God he hated being vulnerable infront of others,it embarrassed him and made him seem weak. He had no choice but to let himself go in your arms.

No he didn’t cry,but rather stared into space as he processed what was all happening. How his work partner and “friend” had just died not long ago.

“Hanma,I’m your boyfriend. I’d never judge you for feeling sad,after all you are only human. .” He stayed quiet before replying him a low hum. He pulled you into his lap then flipped to the side. You were both laying on a tiny couch hugging eachother,trying to comfort your boyfriend who was currently in denial of his friend’s death and his emotions.

After laying down with him you eventually heard soft snores coming from him. You figured he was sleep already,the amount of stress he felt putting him to sleep.

You slowly made your way on top of him and began cleaning and placing the cutesy bandaids on each wound.

He laughed every time he saw you put them on him,so you hoped this would maybe help him laugh just a little.

You lastly cleaned the dirt he had on exposed skin before closing your med kit and putting it on the floor next to the couch.

You slowly moved off of the sleeping boy and watched as his face twitched every now and then. He probably was having a dream right now,maybe even a nightmare. You sighed before turning around and grabbing an extra blanket. Covering him,he twisted and turned before settling in getting comfortable. You bent over and placed a kiss to his temple and left to your bedroom to sleep. around three am you randomly woke up. Looking around for what could’ve woken you up. Your eyes landed on a tall figure in your door way. Screaming in pure terror you quickly looked for something to defend yourself with,but hanma’s laugh came from it. “Angel,it’s me” his voice was heard between his chuckles. “Why are you just standing in my door way!” You scolded the ravenette which only made him laugh again. “I just got here,I was going to wake you up..to see if I could..sleep with you” his voice sounded nervous as he looked away. “Of course,Han.” You patted the area next to you and he came shuffling all the way to your bed and laid next to you.

The atmosphere was comfortable,Hanma had laughed a lot and was obviously starting to take his mind off the bad things which was a good sign.

And he was comfortable enough to ask to lay next to you because she didn’t want to sleep on his own.

Your thoughts paused when you felt his hand grab your own under the cover. “Promise me you won’t leave me.” He whispered,his voice struggling to stay a whisper. You looked over at him and gave a soft smile while squeezing his hand. “I promise,Hanma.” He replied with a hum of content before closing his eyes. The both of you fell asleep hand in hand,how cliche is that?

.

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Request are open.

(PS i broke my tumblr and had to reset my phone and for some reason it deleted all my request,I had this one saved in drafts luckily)

#fanfic #fantasy #fiction #gn reader #male reader #hanma shuji x reader #hanma shuji #tokyo revengers x male reader #tokyo revengers #anime boy #mlm #nblm