#because that was a consistent thought throughout the whole fucking 6 hour process

[sad-leon]

They're Tired

Lineart available for download on my patreon if any of yall wanna colour them

KoFi || Patreon

#sad•leonart #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rise leo #rise leonardo #rise future leo #rise ruture leonardo #rottmnt leo #rottmnt leonardo #rottmnt future leo #rottmnt future leonardo #damn. tumblr really killed the quality on this one #had lyrics and dialogue ideas but none of them stuck #also i fucking hate it #the second metal knee thing shouldnt be visilbe according to the foot position #but i only noticed after i completely finished #i do really love how the mask tails came out tho #if i get any weird comments on this i will fight #because that was a consistent thought throughout the whole fucking 6 hour process #i should stop venting in the tags slfjsldjfsd #vent art #technically #probably shoulda put a shadow under them #oh well

[kwonjaes]

Monroe has a lot going on right now, but you’d never know it. Coming straight to the Sirius XM studio, only an hour after shooting a sketch for his Saturday Night Live debut, he’s radiating unearthly levels of clear-eyed serenity. He’s wearing a distressed jean jacket buttoned to the bottom of his collarbones and seemingly nothing underneath. Black jeans paired with black vans, a classic ‘off-screen’ look for the singer, and carrying a plastic cup of green tea — “not my usual go-to for late night drinking but we’re keeping it clean tonight,” he jokes. 

The 23-year-old singer is a consistent breakout star—his last album had two No. 1 singles, Like A Rockstar and Ordinary Life, and he's the 12th artist in history to score back to back Number Ones. Yet, in spite of his super stardom, little is known about the San Jose native, who has sat down with Sirius XM for a candid chat about his music, personal life and meteoric rise to fame.

“Is this swearing or no swearing?” Not even fully situated into his special guest seat yet, Monroe is wondering if he can say “fuck” or not. 

When the verdict comes back “yeah all good,” he gives a pleased grin and nods. 

So July 9th is the release of your newest album, The Party & The After party, which we are so beyond ready for by the way. Feels like it's been a long time since we've gotten new music from you.

Yeah, wow thank you. I’m super ready for everyone to hear it too. I’m really excited for this one.

Every release you’ve given us so far has been incredible, and not only that, but has done insanely well too on the charts. I think it’s safe to say that this one, which is a loaded album with thirteen songs on it, the biggest one you’ve done yet, will not fall short of these high expectations. 

I mean I hope so. I’m actually really nervous about this one which I’m usually not. I mean there’s always some level of nervousness involved when putting something new out and the anticipation that comes with waiting, but this one — it’s not that I don’t think it’s good. I’m super proud of what came out of it, but you know, I think it’s different than what people are expecting. 

What separates this record from your other ones? What went into the process of making this one differently?

This album is sort of split into two sides, you know, you’ve got the party and then you’ve got the after party. I’d say the first half of it is more what’s expected from me. They’re actually songs that I’ve held onto and almost released for past albums but just didn’t think it was the piece they belonged on. Then you’ve got the after party which is where I… [pauses] This was where that stress really kicked in for me. There’s a song on there that I didn’t write called Anointed — and I write all of my music — but this one I didn’t and that was really new for me. I think you can tell I didn’t write it too because [laughs] there’s a lot of really heavy metaphors in it that go sort of beyond my own technique and writing style. But it somehow fit into this record the way I wanted it too and I remember sitting in beat production and going over the lyrics and knowing I really wanted it on the album. There’s a few like that, this new style of arrangement for me and it was more sort of, I don’t know, an innovative experience. 

Speaking of new music, you actually did release a song at the beginning of this month. The single 21 which was a surprise release right?

Right.

I think we were all a bit surprised by it and curious for a few different reasons. This is the first time you’ve officially released a song in Korean, and the song itself too is representing a different style for you. It's got an explosive chorus with lots of dance elements and bouncing low pitched synths — the most pop influenced release from you yet I'd say. Is this something we can expect from you with future releases?

Yeah, maybe. When I go into the studio or when I’m working on writing something new, I don’t ever think about how I can get this to sound like.. me. I don’t think I can really stick a label on myself when it comes to music. I like being unpredictable and I think that’s something I enjoy experimenting with. I pride myself on my fluidity between R&B, hip hop, pop or what the fuck ever because I think that’s something not a lot of artists can do. I don't want to be restricted to a single musical genre. I don't want there to be boundaries. That's not music for me.

Something else that grabbed a lot of people’s curiosity is the inspiration behind the single itself. I know you haven’t confirmed anything in regards to the surface of the track here, and I don’t know if you can tell where I’m going with this..

You want me to talk about the cover? [laughs]

Well, yeah. I think everyone was just as surprised to see Lee Sooyeon as they were to hear the song itself. It is her, right?

Yeah, it’s her.

And it’s not the first time you have been linked together. We see you hanging around in LA a lot and now.. Here she is on the cover of this surprise single. The two of you have gotten really close.

[laughs] She’s just a good friend, man. She’s a great person and an amazing artist. 

Would you say she was an inspiration behind the song?

Yeah, of course. I wrote it just fucking around and wasn’t going to actually release it but I thought how insane of a birthday gift would that be? It came out a lot better than I thought it would, so we just put it out really quick because it was fun and different. But you know, we’ve hung out a few times and I really respect her. She’s just a good friend of mine. 

The singer plays a small sneak peak of the second single to the album, Can’t Feel My Face, which unfortunately had to be cut from air but was tremendously enjoyed throughout the Sirius XM studio by staff, possibly a little too much. The single drops July 2nd, a week after the release of his first single, Oh Mami, and a week before the album officially drops. 

This track, I can say, thematically fits in with the rest of your catalog. I won't spoil too much but it's a gorgeously sung song about, well, what you have quite a bit of experience singing about. But really, it's hard not to sing along to it. it's so catchy. But I can also see what you mean about this tip of a different approach. I think comparing this to what we’ve heard so far from Oh Mami, you can really see the difference in color that will be showcased on this album.

Can't Feel My Face was like the finishing touch of the roller coaster ride that you're gonna go through on the first half of this album. You can really hear it in the album too, this like, shift in disposition once you get to it's latter half. But to me Can't Feel My Face was a great way to end that energy before slipping into it’s interlude. That's what's so exciting about it but also nerve-racking this time around. I feel like I'm kind of breeding a whole new genre into this album with the filler tracks but it’s pretty cool.

It’s not like you haven't not already blended in enough genres. Just add more, right?

Yeah. Yep. You can always add more. This is the next step. It’s the next step on a long journey. Songs on this, like Anointed and Angel, you’ve never heard this from me before. 

It's one of those things where every song on the record has its own feel and it's own story and vibes that appear. Was that a part of the game plan for you? Like each song is, of course, a Monroe song, but each song is going to have it's own feel. So many new listeners can come and enjoy different tracks. Is that something you thought about?

Consciously? Probably not. [laughs] The thing is, I just make music that I like to make and it either sounds good or it doesn't sound good.

When do you know if it’s good or not? Is it when you're making it or like, after it's finished and you’ve listened to it? How does that process happen?

Um [pauses] I do it very unorthodox I feel. I create these instrumentals that are full pieces that I'm completely happy with. Instrumentals that could stand completely alone. I don't go collecting beats from other producers.. I don't work with other producers. So really if that instrumental is good from the beginning, like, you'll know. I'll be messing around with something and someone will tell me 'that sounds cool, what the hell is this?' or I'll really get into what I'm doing and it's like 'fuck this is good' and that's really all the affirmation I need. If I like it then, you know, I eventually want it somewhere. It’s always worked for me.

I always thought about that and I know it's different with every person that makes music. I've talked to artists and they end up making 15 songs but only end up putting 6 or 7 on the album. There comes a point where you have to be picky too.

Exactly, yeah. The thing is, I have this whole back catalog of amazing songs I've never released too. Music I really like and enjoyed making but just haven't found the place for it. I think if you can still make more music that you have yet to release, that can be equally as good as the music you already did release. There are literally two songs on this album that I wrote before I was even signed, when I was [pauses] I don’t know, eighteen or nineteen? And it’s the first two songs on the album. If it’s good and you like it and you want it out, it will eventually find its place. That’s good energy to have. 

How do you feel when you get the kind of energy that just hits you? When you just get struck by inspiration?

Moments like that is how i wrote 'often'. It was the fastest song I had written on finally bleeding. It was one of the last records — — literally, it almost didn't even make the record. I think I wrote that in about, like, 40 minutes maybe? [laughs] yeah, but I recorded it and it ended up being one of my biggest records ever. Insane.

Often was an insane hit, really it was. It was everywhere when it came out and I remember hearing it when I went to clubs or playing on the radio or anywhere on social media. There it was. It was a hit. But for a song like that to be a number 1.. It's so uncompromising.

Yeah. Crazy, isn’t it?

That was a game changer, that song. I feel like a lot of people now are taking a lot of risks with their singles and just presenting themselves and don't really feel like they have to bury songs like that.

Yeah, for sure. Even with ordinary life, that was definitely, one hundred percent, no doubt still a huge risk. But pop to me is, you know, what's popular and what's hot right now. You gotta meet pop. You gotta meet pop culture.

Going back to what you said about often almost not making the record, isn't that so insane? The possibility of losing songs during that decision making process that could end up being your biggest hit yet.

i think it's about, again, those risks that you're willing to take when it comes to songs like that. luckily, you know, fans loved often and the song went crazy, but it was me trying to do something a bit different compared to the release of blackdragon. it was a bold fucking move. when i wrote often, that was supposed to be a soundcloud song, and of course with Interscope, they were just like, 'there's no way you're gonna put out a result like this. this is a throwaway record..' [laughs] but Lenny heard the record, cause he loves that shit, he loves the darker shit, but he looks at me and he just goes, 'dude, this might be your biggest record of all time.' so i said fuck it and put it on there anyway.

When your writing your lyrics, do you sometimes write as a character? Or do you write with people in mind? How do you kind of get yourself into frame when you can be so detail driven and descriptive?

of course, yeah. a lot of it is a character. um, but i mean a lot of it is real life experiences too. i feel like i've experienced enough before my career started, which at that point, just being nineteen years old when i signed with NOVA, but i feel like i have enough experience to write what i've written and to continue whatever story that is that i'm telling. the past three years i've grabbed new inspiration and i've put that into the music also.

Something that's been documented a lot and reviewed, the subject matter in your music. It's dark. It's guilt-ridden. it's all this 'I can't stop taking drugs but it's bad for me but I need to do it anyway.' But I feel like since meeting you, you're very steady. Who is this person in those songs?

i do think overall i am a pretty chilled person, but um.. that guy is... y'know, it's who i am. but it's the me that i've taken and stretched and sort of created into this like, beast. it's me just adding on and turning it into something that's just uncontrollable. like it's own character. it just sounds good. he sounds good. it's like scarface, you know? the villian. it's horrible but you can't stop looking at it. my fans love it. people love it.

Man, you know, your female fans love it.

yeah. [laughs]

I mean they really love it. And I'm not trying to sound judgmental here, there's no judgement. It's just an observational question. But, why is it you think your music is so popular with women when the subject matter is so raw?

i think people just love raw. i mean look at things like, you know, fifty shades of grey. how did that blow up? it's the darkness of it. that's what the music is. it's raw and it's dark. to me, it's good to have that darkness because when the light comes, it just feels that much better. so a lot of the music, when you listen to it, it's really a good mix of that darkness and that rush but also there's those few songs that are just fun and that make you feel good. i think people feel a sense of relief almost when they reach those songs, whatever the reason be, and i think it just makes you feel that much better.

Do you ever feel yourself slipping into that darkness?

yeah. sometimes. but i have a good team.

Do they pull you back?

of course. it's good to have a good team around you. especially a team that you've grown with.

And for you, that would be your ex labelmates over at NOVA, right? You guys are all still close.

yeah, i'm still good friends with all of them. we're together literally all the time. some of them even flew out with me here. they’ve really shaped me as an artist and i feel like as a person too. you know, when i went to korea from the states, i really had no one. i moved there at sixteen completely alone and they were the ones that heard me and saw my potential and believed enough in me to give me a chance and i'll always be grateful for that. they're just a group of really talented guys and even though i parted ways with the label, i still respect them a lot as artists and will always keep them around me.

With the drinking and the drugs, do you think that's sort of a crutch for you sometimes? To help you get through those moments of darkness?

yeah. nerves.

How is that you — and it's a lot of artists too that suffer with things like nerves and bad anxiety — how do you do it? How do you get yourself to go in front of hundreds and thousands of people every night and perform when you struggle with something like that?

i think it's just... you know, you're singing to all of those people. it's an emotional thing. it's nerve-racking and it’s scary as hell. but you have to fight that feeling when performing is what keeps you going. like for me, the music and the fans and getting to perform. even though it’s only something i’ve been doing since 2017, it’s all i’ve ever had. so that was something i had to do and once i did it... [pauses] i don’t know. i just feel like now, people are more nervous to see me than i am to see them.

Well what's it like when you meet fans and you've created this character? This 'Monroe' to them. I mean, it's intimidating to people.

mm... [pauses] feels great. [laughs] you know what i mean? it's a good thing. you're seeing your favorite artist. you want to feel that way. you don't want to meet your favorite artist and it's like a normal fucking experience. it's the rush of it all, you know? then you find out like, i'm cool. then that's even better.

Who is that for you? Some people you look at like that?

nobody.

Nobody at all?

nobody.

Now I'm a bit curious about something, because it is something you play around with a lot in your music. Are you a religious person?

um.. i'm there. in a way. think i'm definitely spiritual now. i mean i was never a full out atheist, you know? nothing against that, it's all respect for whatever you believe, but i feel like people turn to that point because life is just, it's shit. they feel like there's no way there's a god and this is all happening.

In another viewpoint, I feel like religion is what people turn to when life gets shit.

yeah well, i was just a pessimist. always kind of pessimistic.

Were you like that as a kid?

oh yeah.

Where do you think that comes from?

uh, i don’t know.. [pauses] i guess growing up i didn't really have much around me to be optimistic about. i didn't have any brothers or sisters and i wasn't close with either of my parents or any family really. i always wanted a dog but i was never allowed to get a fucking dog. [laughs] but you know, when great things finally started happening for me, i just felt like all of that was something i had to go through in a way. like a test or something.

Speaking of family, I know you said you weren't close with them and that you moved at such a young age. How difficult was that for you? To take such a major turn in your life? I mean, something like that. Moving countries at sixteen all on your own?

the way i looked at it back then was like, i was just riding down this long road for so long and i had already been doing it all by myself. i mean my parents were around when i was a kid, but like, with my dad, we were never close. he was in and out of my life a lot and we never got along when he was around. my mom was really the only parental figure i had in my life, but she passed away when i was young and we never had that family bond either. so really, i was on this road with no one but myself and i just felt like i had finally reached that dead end and had to make a choice of where to turn or else i was going to just.. end up driving myself off of that cliff.

Driving yourself off that cliff — is there a darker underlier there?

there could have been.

Well, looking back at all of it now, I'm sure there are no regrets on the choices you made.

not at all. i think where i am right now and the people that i have around me is where i'm supposed to be.

These people you have in your life now, they see you be successful and they see the way you do it on the edge of things. This isn't, with the greatest of respect, this isn't pop music that your contemporaries are making. You push things a lot.

it's rock and roll, you know.

You're right, it is rock and roll. You're a rockstar, man. Really and I mean, you're making videos that have shit in hardcore.

someone's gotta do it. [laughs] no, but um, you know that's just what i've found that i do best and people love it. people hate it too but that's what sparks discussion and that's what art is all about, isn’t it?

Exactly. That’s your art. Keep it up. — Monroe, I want to thank you so much for coming in and talking with me tonight. I know you don’t do interviews like this too often so I do appreciate it.

of course, thank you so much for having me on. the energy has been good.

Everyone.. Oh Mami is only days away from it’s release on June 25th, followed by the release of the second single Can’t Feel My Face on July 2nd. The Party & The After Party will officially be released the following week on July 9th at midnight. Monroe concludes that an important and exciting announcement will be made shortly after the album’s release so stick around and be sure to follow him on all of his socials to stay updated on the news. This has been Sirius XM.

#interview.

[kuratoki]

Changes 6.5

Annyeong~ So it’s been a long time since Changes was last updated...was it? Honestly I can’t remember >< I’ve been wanting to post more consistently so instead of posting a chapter time I finish one, I decided to finish the whole story instead and this post means...CHANGES IS COMING TO AN END!! I’m thinking no more than 3-4 more chapters before I get started on the SEQUEL! Distance

Depending on the flow of things, I may post every other day as I bust out the sequel and another fic that I have in the works so I can post them co-consecutively but we shall see...anyways, thanks for supporting Changes ^-^

Also I think I may have bias switched six times this comeback. Just saying.

Do you agree that things change in time? Well four years abroad would tell wouldn’t it?

Pairing: Reader x Jeno ft. NCT

Words: 4769 (Why was this longer than the last chapter T-T)

Warning: Mild swearing

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 6.5

“So are you guys thinking about joining the club?” Doyoung asked.

After school activities were done and a large group of people which consisted of various members of the NCT Dance Club and a few others were at a restaurant to welcome Renjun, Chenle to the school as well as welcoming back Sicheng.

“WinWin said we had no choice.” Chenle answered, “He said it was part of the transfer requirement.” 

“Transfer requirement.” Taeyong said, using his fingers as air quotes, “It’s your choice but from what we’ve heard, it’d be great to have you both. I heard you aren’t a dance major Chenle.” 

“I’m a voice major.” Chenle said and pointed at Renjun, “He’s the dance major.” 

“Speaking of dance,” Renjun said wiping his mouth, “Jeno, I heard you won the National School dance competition as a junior soloist last year.”

Jeno looked up at the boy mid bite and nodded his head.

“Are you planning on competing again this year?” Renjun asked curiously and you looked at Jeno with the same curious look, wondering if he too was planning on competing. 

“I’m still deciding.” Jeno said, mouth full of meat before swallowing, “I might just compete in the group dance this year. Give someone else a go. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious. I heard through some friends that you really stole the show.” he said with a small smirk that Jeno picked up on and his eyes narrowed, “Wish I saw it myself.” 

You looked at Renjun, wondering what he meant by that and the bright smile your friend gave you made you suspicious. It was that, I’m going to do something stupid but I also know what I’m doing smile. First he cut you off in the library and now he was asking weird questions.

“Yea! Jeno’s dance was one of the best I’ve ever seen him perform.” Mark said hyping him up, “It was so emotional yet so powerful. Totally deserved the national title.” 

Many people around the table agreed and Doyoung almost looked like a proud father.

“Must’ve been about someone then.” Renjun said with a nod, “You know what they say, the piece comes out more meaningful when it’s meant for someone else.” 

 “It’s like how Y/N’s contemporary piece got her the role of Omlgmlsml” Chenle started but you were quick to lean over and muffle the brunette boy with a steamed bun and the look you gave him told him to shut up.

Renjun turned to look at you in shock, he knew what Chenle was going to say and he was surprised you didn’t tell any of your friends about it.

“You never told them you were THE Odette?” Renjun gasped and curious heads turned towards your conversation as your friends around you stared at you in shock, making you smack your head down on the table. This was not how you wanted your biggest secret to come out.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want anyone to know. You were still healing from your sprained knee at the time of auditions and despite all the late night practices(doctor approved) with Renjun, you weren’t confident. Even when Renjun said you were a shoe in for the part, you felt like you couldn’t do it. In the end you skipped the audition. What you didn’t know was that Renjun already had a plan B and that was what got you the role. 

The day the roles were announced, you were floored to see that you got the part of the Swan Princess herself. When you asked the casting director how you got the role without auditioning, he had told you that your audition video made most of the team cry and they couldn’t not have you as their Swan Princess. 

You knew Renjun was behind this right away and you wondered what video he had submitted on your behalf. Of course you couldn’t be mad at him even though he went behind your back. He was one of the few who knew that your dream was to play Odette in the Swan Lake Ballet production and thanks to him, you were able to achieve that dream.

The production consisted of the top ballet dancers of the junior level and students all over Europe auditioned for various parts. It was a grueling process that took several months and many students waited anxiously for the results. Once the roles were announced, the new cast would spend half a year in London practicing before performing for sold out shows in one of London’s most well known theaters. 

The year that you were in the production, the producers wanted to do something fun and made you wear an elaborate Swan mask throughout the production. On the promo poster  the only persons name who was not mentioned was yours and the picture was of Renjun as the Prince and you wearing that swan mask. Only those who attended the shows would’ve seen your face but tickets at the time were limited. You would think that you’d invite your friends along with your parents to at least one of the shows but no, you only invited WinWin and his family along with your parents. This was your best kept secret. What you didn’t know is that it was also known as the best portrayal of Odette performed by a junior.

“You were Odette?” Hana asked with wide eyes, “With Renjun?” 

“Mhm.” you said muffled.

“But Renjun was the Prince for the Select Junior Ballet performance…” Jisung said looking down before he looked at you in shock, “W-Why didn’t you tell anyone?” 

“What’s chicken little getting at?” Yuta asked looking around the group and Renjun had the urge to smack you in the face but reached over and started to shake you violently instead.

“Are you serious right now? I get that you wore a mask for like half the production and your name wasn’t even in the program for surprise sakes but it’s literally you in the promo poster they’re using to promote the ballet even now!” he raged, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?! Were you that embarrassed to dance with me?! Your nickname was fucking Swan Princess for fucks sakes!” 

“Stooooop!!” you whined, sitting up straight and attempted to stop Renjun from shaking you as your stomach had yet to settle, “You know I didn’t want the attention. I wasn’t going to audition and then you went and submitted the tape behind my back.”

“We promised that we’d audition together!” Renjun growled, “And what do you do? Not even show up for the audition. Thank goodness I made that excuse that you were sick and they let you send in an audition tape instead.”

“Which you broke into my apartment to get.” you growled back, “The key I gave you was for emergency’s only.” 

“Yea and that was an emergency.” Renjun argued, “You were already set for the part and I was not going to put the hours of practice we put into it to waste!” 

“I only rehearsed with you because you wanted to audition!” you exclaimed, agitation evident in your voice.

“Guys cut it out.” Chenle called out from his seat fed up with his friends behavior, “This is why people still think you hate each other!” 

During the time, Jeno, Jisung and Jaemin could only observe your bickering with Renjun like a ping pong match. It was a side of you neither of them was familiar with and truth be told, Renjun was the only person who was able to bring this side out of you.

The two of you met on the first day of practices your first year and truth be told, you didn’t like each other right away. The two of you came into the academy under high recommendation from your previous schools so the expectations for you were high. In the beginning, the two of you would discreetly argue over the smallest of things, Renjun always acting more superior. It wasn’t till you were paired for a project that you had to suck it up and get along. 

You found out that when you weren’t arguing or being nitpicky over the others posture, you actually had very decent conversations. He also had this weird side which you weren’t sure if you should be taking seriously or not but in the end, the two of you became as close as bread and butter. 

“So this is a normal thing?” Jisung asked Chenle and the boy nodded.

“There’s something wrong when a day goes by where they actually agree on something. But he’s her Ying to his Yang and they both brought out the best in each other.” Chenle said eyeing his two friends who were now getting harassed by Hana for not inviting her to such an iconic performance, “He helped her heal.”

“Jeno?” Jisung asked curiously as he looked at Jeno, who was looking somewhat annoyed with the way Renjuns arm had yet to leave your shoulders and you, who was completely immersed in a story Renjun was telling. “Renjun helped her with the piece?”

“He helped her get her emotions out.” Chenle corrected, “The choreo was all her. She performed it for her end of year recital and ended up winning first place that year...she was supposed to come back the year after and claim her spot back but she got into the accident and gave it up to second place.” 

“Who was that?” Jisung asked and Chenle was shocked he didn’t know.

“Wong Yuwen, Yukhei’s sister.” he answered and thought again, “I still find it coincidental that it was Yukhei who caused her accident that summer though...I know that the girls didn’t really get along since Yuwen saw Y/N as competition from day one” 

“Yukhei’s sister? You guys know Yukhei too?” Jisung asked again, his eyes wide and Chenle gave him an odd look from all of his questions but Jisung had good reasoning for it.

“Renjun was the one who introduced Yukhei to Y/N. We all knew each other in China and Yukhei came with me since his sister attended the same school when I visited the first time. We spent a lot of time together...well Y/N spent a lot of time rejecting Yukhei so..” Chenle said and noted the look on Jisungs face, “You good bro?

Jisung’s mind was boggling. It couldn’t have been a coincidence could it? He knew that you had won first place in your schools competition, he even knew bits and pieces who Renjun and Chenle were but never ever had you brought up knowing Yukhei on that personal level. He just knew that you had met briefly before camp the first year and that you rejected him once. Outside of that, he had no idea why Yukhei loved to bother you so much but now the pieces of the puzzle were coming together.

Jisung shook out of his thoughts and gave Chenle a reassuring smile and thumbs up. This new person seemed to know a lot and Jisung was curious to what else he knew about your association with Yukhei.

“Oh yea, I forgot to ask. Where are you guys staying?” Hana asked once everyone had finished eating. 

“We’re both staying at a house my family bought recently nearby.” Chenle answered, “If I remember the address correctly, it’s not that far from Y/N’s.” 

“That’s so cool, you guys are all in the same neighborhood.” she said, referring to you, Jeno and Jisung, “Well, Jaem and I are gonna get going. We’ll see you guys tomorrow.” 

“Do you guys need a lift?” Jaem asked, swinging his eyes around one finger while his other hand was interlocked with Hana’s, “I’m gonna take Hana home and then head back to Jenos.” 

“I heard there was a Moomin Cafe in town and there’s still a few hours till it closes.” Renjun said and turned to you, “Care to join me? It’d be great to touch base on a few things.” 

“I’d love to watch you weeb out for a few hours.” you said giggling, knowing your friends obsession with character, “There’s a few things I wanted to ask you as well actually.” 

“Perfect, lets go then.” Renjun said,“It was nice meeting you all. We’ll see you all tomorrow.” 

You gave the group a quick wave and Hana quickly hugged the two of you before you looked at Renjun and the two of you set off, with your arm looped through his.

A few hours later, you walked through your door deep in thought from your conversation with Renjun. The two of you discussed a lot in a short period of time, from a potential reunion with the rest of the cast of the Swan Lake to information regarding Yukhei. 

Waving at Sicheng and Yuta(who you assumed would be a regular in the house now that Sicheng was back), who were currently digging into a piece of the chocolate cake you made the night before for Sichengs return, you made your way up to your room. Because you were so deep in thought, you literally screamed when you walked in and saw Jeno lying on your bed,hair pushed back, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose and reading a book.

“SORRY, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU HE CAME OVER.” Sicheng yelled from down the stairs, there was no apology in his voice. 

“What are you doing here?” you asked, hand over your heart as you tried to calm your breathing.

“Jaemin decided to bring Hana over instead of taking her home and I wasn’t in the mood to listen to the conception of Baby Na.” he responded, looking at you from the corner of his eye, noting your concentrated look and your lack of reaction to his joke, “Everything okay? How was the cafe?” 

“Everythings fine.” you said distractedly, putting your things away, “Renjuns a Moomin weeb so this was like a dream come true for him. It was nice to catch up since we really haven’t talked in months minus the odd text here and there.” you said, forcefully shaking your thoughts from your mind and paid attention to the person on your bed who was currently looking like he just walked out of Mens Athletic.

It was obvious he showered before he came over since his hair was still slightly damp and pushed back while he was dressed in black sweats and a white wife beater. It was a nice sight for the eyes.

“Are you planning on staying long?” you asked curiously and Jeno looked up from the book.

“Am I intruding?” he asked back and you shook your head. 

“Of course not.” you said quickly, “I just wanted to know how many pieces of cake I had to bring up.” 

“Three.” Jeno said holding up his fingers and giving you that reserved for special people eye smile, “The one you made a few days ago was so good and with Yuta downstairs, there probably won’t be any left in the morning.” 

“True.” you said, grabbing a few things, “Be back in a bit. I’d tell you to make yourself at home but you seem to have done a good job at doing so already.” you snickered as Jeno waved, going back to the book from your shelf he had immersed himself in. 

“Don’t be long.” he said, settling himself into your bed, “Do you want to watch a movie?” 

“Sure.” you said looking behind you as you stepped out the door, “My laptops on my desk. The password hasn’t changed. If you still remember that is.”

Jeno looked up when he heard the bedroom door shut and marked the place in the book he was reading, before putting it down.He made his way over to your desk which was decorated with stationary and few pictures from the past and present. 

The ones that stood out were from his fifth birthday party where he had a mouthful of cake and you had the happiest grins two five year olds could muster while “Say cheese!" was being  yelled at you in four different directions. 

There was another one where Jaemin and Jeno were at some beach and they had you lifted in their arms during a big family vacation that the three of you somehow managed to convince your parents to have after weeks of begging. Jeno remembered that day more than any other vacation memory since seconds after that photo was taken, you were thrown into the ocean.  He remembered the grovelling he and Jaemin had to do since you decided to ignore the two for the rest of the day.. He chuckled to himself at the memory, remembering that despite the one hiccup,  it was one of the best vacations he’d been on in his life. 

Before he could press the power button on your laptop, a polaroid under your keyboard caught his attention and Jeno couldn’t help but feel his heart swell when he realized when it was from. It was a photo of the two of you that Jaemin took during a break between dance classes when you were in middle school. 

The two of you were leaning against the mirror, Jeno’s arm wrapped around your shoulder while the two of you watched something on his phone. Your head was resting on his shoulder and he was resting on top of yours. He remembered Jaemin showing him the photo, telling him that this was when he knew the two of you were meant to be more than friends. Jeno brushed it off at the time, but he couldn’t help but think how right his friend was in this present moment.

He looked to side when he heard your phone buzz and a text from someone showed up on the screen.

[9:55pm] E.T - Think about it...It’ll be fun, just like the old times. I’ve got your back Princess~

Jeno’s lips formed a straight line at the text and was tempted to check the message himself. He had an assumption as to who this “E.T” person was and fought the jealousy that bubbled inside him. You and Renjun were friends and he had no right to feel this way, he didn’t know your friendship but he couldn’t help but let that fact bother him. Were you and Renjun closer then the two of you let on or was it just his paranoia?

A few minutes later, you walked in, freshly showered with a tray that consisted of cakes and hot chocolate along with a bowl of marshmallows, a big satisfied smile on your face.

“I took like a quarter of the cake and I think Yuta growled at me.” you said placing the tray on your desk before picking up your phone and reading Renjun’s message and responding, making Jeno question what you said since you rolled your eyes.

“Yuta is aware that you’re the only one who can cook in this house right?” Jeno asked, taking the cake from your outstretched hand, his face in pure bliss after taking a bite, “You can always give his portions to me you know. Now that my parents aren’t here, I think I’m gonna starve.”

“Isn’t that the reason why Jaemin is staying with you? So you won't starve?” you asked with a lifted eyebrow, knowing that his parents had just left to meet with your parents somewhere in Europe. 

It was a blessing and a curse that your parents enjoyed travelling, it meant that you and Jeno had grown up travelling together during the holidays and you always had someone to experience new things with. It may have been the main reason why your friendship with Jeno had maintained its strength during your transition from children to preteens despite the differences in personalities. 

“With the amount of time he spends with Hana, I probably will.” Jeno snorted moving slightly when you settled next to him on the bed, “Did you know that he’s serious about her?” 

“Good” you said, taking a bite of your chocolate cake, doing a little dance when you felt the velvety texture of the frosting on your tongue, “Cause from how our talks are going, she feels the same.” 

“Ah…Young love...” Jeno sighed, leaning back thinking about his two friends before his eyes caught a small album on your bedside table that hadn’t been there before, “What’s that?” 

Following his gaze, your eyes landed on the album and Jeno saw the excitement in your eyes and you put down your plate to reach for it. 

“I found this while I was cleaning my room a few days ago.” you said handing him the medium sized album that contained so many memories, “I’ve been waiting for you to come over to show you.” 

Jeno opened the album and was greeted by a sense of strong nostalgia. It’s contents familiar but distant memories of your combined family travels. They lasted from when the two of you were three to about the age of thirteen, where dance became more important and you were both enrolled in your respective summer programs and the year after you left for Europe.

“I can’t believe you still have these photos.” he said, slowly flipping through each page, chuckling to himself at certain photos that caught his eye “This is like a decades worth of history.”

“I couldn’t believe it either.” you said, resting your head on his shoulder so you could look at the photos too, “It made me think of all the carefree days we had. It sucks that we only went to tropical destinations. I think I would’ve liked Europe as a child.” 

“Did you travel a lot while you were abroad?” Jeno asked, still looking through the photos and felt you nod against his shoulder.

“Renjun and I did a lot of that during the small breaks we had when we realized that we could actually tolerate each other” you said, looking through your phone for a specific picture, “We would travel to different places by train and spend a few days exploring. Depending on the holiday, our trips lasted several days to several weeks.”

“Just the two of you?” he asked, looking down at you from the corner of his eye, frowning at the sound of the China Princes name once more.

“Mhm.” you said and smiled when you found the photo you were looking for, “Chenle, Sicheng and Hana joined us once during winter break and we spent two weeks in Germany before we met my parents in England for Christmas. Outside of that one time, it was just Renjun and I. A travelling photographer passed our cabin while we were headed to Paris to watch Swan Lake and asked Renjun if he could take a picture and told us to hold the pose. It's still my favorite to this day..” 

You flipped your phone around and showed Jeno the picture on your phone where you and Renjun were seated in a cabin on a train. The two of you must’ve been on your way to some sort of event since you were both dressed in semi-formal wear. You were wearing a long sleeved emerald dress and black tights and black boot heels. Your head was resting in your hand and you were looking out the window. Renjun, who was wearing a dress shirt and vest, was looking at you with what to Jeno looked like admiration? Adoration? Passion? A sketch book rested on the table and Renjuns hand was in mid sketch. Had you known that he was sketching you at the time?

He thought the long sleeved dress was different but brought out the more mature aspects of your figure with how it hugged you in all the right places and made your legs look longer. The beret that rested on your head while your wavy hair was thrown over one shoulder completed the look and Jeno decided that he liked seeing you in hats.

His eyes narrowed when he realized that the drawing in Renjuns sketchbook looked familiar and he looked at a painting that you recently hung up.

“Is that painting of you?” he asked and saw the wistful smile on your face.

“Yea...Renjun enjoys doing art in his free time and painted that for me after our fifth trip together. The photo itself was taken only during our first trip but he worked on it for quite some time after that. He told me that he’d been looking for a muse for a while and all the travelling did it for him. I was floored when he gave me the painting, I think I cried a bit too..” you said thinking back to your travels with your best friend from abroad.

“There was always something missing though…” you muttered quietly and Jeno almost didn’t hear you.

“What’s that?” he asked, eyes still on the painting and wondered what it would be like to travel the world with you now that you were older.

“You.” you whispered looking down, “I guess a part of me always wondered what you’d think of the places I’ve gone and what it’d be like to experience what I did with you.” 

A smile made its way to Jenos face as he wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you snug against him and trapped you in his arms. He was glad your head was on his shoulder since it was easier to hide his blush this way. He was giddy to know that you often thought of him during your travels and even though someone else was your travel companion, he was still on your mind.

“One day,” Jeno promised, “We’ll go together and you can show me all your favorite spots you’ve been to. We can even take a summer and travel Europe by train if you want. I think that’s what our parents are meeting up to do. I saw them plan the trip and heard them talk to your parents over the phone about it. Seems like a lot of fun.” 

You looked up at Jeno wide eyed, had he really just promised that he’d travel all of Europe with you? Why was he saying things like this so loosely? Did he know that when he acted so nonchalant but sweet like this, it made the butterflies in your stomach flutter?

“Y-You want to travel with me?” you managed to stutter out and he gave you a look with furrowed brows.

“Of course. You’re the only travel buddy I had for most of my life and we have five years to catch up on. I wouldn’t want to experience those things with anyone else.” he said confidently, looking down at you, moving his arms to wrap around your waist and you felt him play with your fingers when your hands met his, “A trip with just the two of us.” 

“A trip with just the two of us.” you agreed quietly, settling into Jenos embrace and felt his arms tighten around you, the chocolate cake forgotten as your eyes drifted close. 

You weren’t sure what was happening with your friendship. These nights had become a thing after you had woken up completely jet lagged and Jeno had so happen to be coming back from a late night bathroom run. He’d seen your light on and texted you to see if you were alright since you were in the house alone.

When you told him that you couldn’t sleep, he had come over and the two of you spent hours watching Netflix; thankfully for the two of you it had been a weekend.

After that, Jeno came over whenever he was bored, he even helped you clean the house when Sicheng said he was coming back. You constantly wondered why he’d spend time with you when he could be out with Jisung or Jaemin; though Jisung spent a lot of time playing video games at your house just as much as Jeno did. He just said that he was lazy to socialize which totally didn’t make sense since he could be a social butterfly around the right people.

You just knew that over the short time you spent together, your heart would beat faster whenever he was around at school and now you were partnered for the project so spending time together was inevitable. 

Little did you know, Jeno was working hard to show you that he was serious about you and you only. He just hoped that whatever he had planned didn’t backfire, especially with the arrival of one Huang Renjun.

#nct imagine #nct #nct dream imagine #nct dream #lee jeno #jeno #jisung #jaemin #kpop #kpop scenario #kpop imagine #nct scenario #nct fiction #nct dream fiction #nct dream scenario #jeno imagine #jeno fiction #jeno scenario

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,402

Approximately two months ago I sent you a calm and collected message in which I asked seven questions about our break up. I made sure to say, “Write back whenever you feel the urge and if you never experience that urge then wow please don’t reply that’s fine. I know I need to ask, but it’s okay if you do not need to answer.” I really meant that.

You wrote me back six days later, but without answers. A polite message letting me know you were going to respond eventually. That was 2 months, 2 days, 22 hours, and some odd minutes ago. In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe you will ever send me your answers. The process would take some degree of emotional effort and truthfully I think it doesn’t matter enough to you. And that’s really really really really okay. It has to be.

I am going to answer the questions tonight. Not for you to read, but for me to write. I’ve got a glass of decent Pinot Grigio. I just heard some thunder rumbling. I think I read somewhere that there’s a full moon up there tonight. So. That all lines up for expression.

(I’m not going to include the actual questions in this post because goddamn I love to come off as elusive. I have them and you have them. Anybody else’s guess is good enough.)

1. Limit of four because limits help. You were my buddy so instead of being usually on my own I got to be usually with you. You knew how to be a steady force when I needed space to not be one. You usually felt/saw/reacted/thought differently than everybody else in the room, including me. You deliberately accessed me in ways I’d begun to believe nobody could or would ever want to.

2. Limit of four because limits help. It was extremely hard to be next to you when you were making it obvious you wanted so badly to be elsewhere. I didn’t ever laugh as hard as you like to laugh and it didn’t matter to you what I thought about music. It felt like it was always going to suck that I was a white girl. I think the shine wore off, like I think you’d lost a lot of respect for me by the end.

3. I mean. I think a few months into being officially together we were having a difficult conversation about how you were 90% sure you were going to leave camp soon. It came up that we didn’t really believe in the concept of long distance relationships. That neither of us were that kind of person. How ultimately that would be just a slower more painful break up. And like. Idk. Tbh this question is hard for me to answer and I really wish you would. That’d help me out a ton. When people ask me why we broke up I make vague jokes around it and I’m pretty sure I sound stupid as fuck.

4. Okay. Work hit a rough season financially and it put you it a bad spot. We went on a cold air walk one afternoon and you told me you were going to talk seriously to an Illinois buddy about possibly moving in with him. After that we went to the Moyers for dinner and you pulled Bill aside to speak privately. As I was falling asleep that night I asked what you’d talked about and you said, “I told him I am leaving.” I was caught totally off guard because you had not said those words to me yet. The conversation didn’t go further. I attempted to hide that I was crying and you said goodnight and left. Then for about three days you cut yourself off from the world completely. Hid out. Others started asking me what the heck was going on and I didn’t have an answer. I was subtle crying almost constantly lol, so I finally txted you and asked if we needed to talk. We acknowledged that the conversation we were about to have would require bravery. I asked my boss for some time off work and got it. Um. This is when it all gets pretty confusing for me. Looking back now I think at this point you already knew we were going to break up and were even possibly trying to do it haha, but uh. I didn’t realize your mind was made up. Which. To be fair to me, you did not communicate with me how far gone you were. So. I assumed we were still in the midst of a difficult decision making process. Perhaps I should have asked more questions than I did. But. Um. We spent like the next four days together and they were borderline perfect? Which. Lol whatever I don’t want to write about them. I want you to tell me what the fuck was going on there because I think the way you were looking at our last week together was 1000% different from whatever the hell I was perceiving. I was in a honey colored daze. I’m sorry if that time was low key tortuous for you. I truly did not understand what was happening. Um. We took each others clothes off on a Friday evening and afterwards I was laughing and realized you weren’t laughing. You were blank. Staring hard at nothing. I softly asked what was wrong and you said you had to call your friend and give him a final answer. And um. And I had to say the words, “And? You’re upset? Because? You’re going to tell him yes?” Um. All this is a blur. I don’t remember saying much else. I got dressed and began putting on make up, getting ready to go watch a children's musical with friends. You stood at the door watching me a while then left. Um I cried uncontrollably on the drive into town, through the whole damn elementary school production of Annie, and the ride back. When I got home I sent you a txt saying, “If you need things before you go or have things you need to express then please let me know and we can do that.” along with some other sad content. I didn’t hear back so then at midnight I txted you a comforting I love you message and you sent a comforting I love you message back. I fell asleep worrying about you. Mm. And then. Whatever I’m not going to write in detail about it, but you very abruptly left first thing the next morning and from that point on (THOUGH WE’VE NEVER HAD THE FUCKING CONVERSATION) we have been not together. Next question.

5. Okay. I got way too specific on that last one and would like to not make a pattern of that. Sorry. So. For this one. For me. Afterwards I went dark. I went through very ugly withdrawal. I guess I can’t really write about then. Um. I waited for weeks to hear from you and heard nothing. I read everything about our star signs and I listened to the break up playlist I’d been fucked up prepping throughout basically our entire relationship. I watched ALL the Marvel movies and I drank a lot a lot so much I just wanted to drink. I couldn’t fucking sleep ever and when I did I had cruel dreams about you. When we finally did start writing to each other I got really really really really emotionally messy. Paragraphs and then more paragraphs. DRAMATIC TAKE AFTER DRAMATIC TAKE. I didn’t call you and you didn’t call me. But I bothered you and I bothered you and I bothered you. You hardly ever seemed interested in talking to me. You’d give a little and I’d gross myself out at how desperate I was for more. You were polite and you didn’t want to talk to me. Yeah okay that’s the simplest way to describe what afterwards was like for me. I was in love with someone who didn’t want to talk to me.

6. Um. Okay. Honestly. Right now when I think of you there are a few common reactions. I think of the dialogue from Liz Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love often. “But I love him.” “So love him.” “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him then drop it.” Usually when you come to mind it’s because of one of hundreds of things that connect to stories I like about us. I’m consistently telling me, “Shut up. Nobody knows how to react when you talk reverently about your ex.” Idk. I use a lot of my 11:11 wishes on your behalf. Like unselfishly. I don’t make them about us getting back together or anything like that. No, just for your happiness/wholeness. I wish for good for you. But maybe now that I’ve typed that here none of them will come true. Sorry.

7. I am not.

#personal

[rainythefox]

Deviant Heart (Detroit: Become Human Fanfic)

Chapter 6: Uninvited Guest

The banquet hall was full, the after-dinner gossiping and shit-talk in full swing. The acoustics of the talking and music gave Hank a headache as he sat at the bar drinking bourbon, trying to ignore the laughing and the fakeness. He hated politics.

Despite the large room being full of mostly council members, politicians, lawyers, and doctors, Hank was relieved the ceremony actually focused on appreciation for law enforcement, fire and rescue, and other first responders.

Most of his fellows had left or had been swallowed into the crowd of brown-nosers and money-makers. The lieutenant would've been gone himself had he not made the promise to Jeffrey to stay until 9 p.m. And the last twenty-minutes were going by agonizingly slow.

Hank did see Jeffrey step away from his usual groupies that consisted of the Mayor, the Fire Chief, the Detroit Police Commissioner and a couple of their favorite lawyers to talk with Captain Michael Allen. If there was one man other than Hank in this hellhole that hated politics and the hypocrisy these celebrations hid, it was him. The SWAT Captain wore a black suit here, and shook hands with Captain Fowler with a respectful smile as they engaged in conversation. As long as they didn't tug Hank over there, he was quite content at the bar.

Hank wondered how Connor was doing. Leaving him alone wasn't the problem; there were times they could be separated for hours because of work or events like this. Despite being protective of him, Hank knew that Connor could take care of himself. It was what happened before he left to come to the appreciation banquet that worried him. The glitch- or whatever it was -that happened had distracted him throughout the banquet. Hank tried to tell himself that Connor would know better than anyone else if something was wrong. Then again, he knew that Connor could be cunningly reserved when it came to Hank at times. His partner did not like to cause worry for Hank.

The lieutenant knew the RK800 too well. He knew Connor would lie about resting. He probably already decrypted that odd diary and was looking into the case more as Hank sat there drinking bourbon. Even with being deviant, with all his free will, no longer on a tight leash by his coding, Connor kept the drive to "finish the mission", to keep himself useful. Hank chalked it up as old habits- or in this case -programming dying hard. Connor was adept at hiding it, but Hank knew that Connor feared not having a purpose.

Hank checked his watch. 13 minutes left.

"You better hope I don't run into that plastic prick of a partner you have tomorrow."

Hank tensed, his fingers tightening around his alcoholic drink. He nodded at the bartender to get him another one. He knew he would need it. He downed the remains of his glass. Gavin sat down on his left, glaring daggers at him, wearing a dark red suit.

"Why? So Connor can knock your ass out again? Was it not enough the first time? I mean, the whole station laughed about it for weeks."

"That stupid machine hacked my phone. You know how much shit he messed up?!"

Hank half shrugged, taking his new drink from the bartender. "How do you know it was Connor? Did you see him do it?"

"Cut the crap, Hank. I know it was him. I left my phone down in the evidence room where he was."

Hank raised his eyebrows, smirking. "Sounds like you should keep better track of your shit. I mean, anyone can hack a phone these days."

Just as Hank expected, the younger, brazen detective decided to try and provoke him. "How'd it feel to watch all these officers and detectives get recognized while your glorified toaster had to stay home?"

Hank bristled and bit back a nasty retort. He opted for a calmer reply. "Connor will get recognized for everything he's done one day, and trust me, it won't be at some shit pit like this, where everyone has an agenda or couldn't care less. Connor has saved so many lives. We're solving a shit ton more homicides because of him. No one can outrun him…hasn't lost a suspect yet. We get more confessions because of him. Hell, he's the best negotiator I've seen in years."

Gavin snorted in disgust. "Yeah, because he's a fucking machine, Hank. He was made to be that way. That doesn't make him special. He does what he was built to do."

"He's…" Hank trailed off.

He's special to me.

Hank turned to face Gavin, glaring right at him. "Watch it. Just because we're sitting in public doesn't mean you're safe from me popping you in the fucking face." Hank finished his drink, calming himself. "I used to think the same way. But I was wrong."

Gavin chuckled, smacking the bar counter. "You gotta be shitting me. I mean, we never really got along but we at least always agreed on hating androids. You're telling me that Connor changed your mind?"

"Not just Connor. But yeah, he's a big part of it. He's given me hope. I've learned a lot because of him. He…saved me. Given me a reason to live again. He's the best friend I ever had, more loyal than any human I've ever known…but you probably wouldn't understand that, would you Gavin?"

"I'm loyal to keeping the human race from going fucking extinct, from being replaced. How can you be okay with that?"

"You act as though we're gonna be replaced tomorrow," Hank said with a sigh. "Android reproduction is the most controversial subject in the world right now. It's gonna be years before that even begins to move forward. Besides…maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. Maybe androids would be the ones to make the world a better place. Humans have only screwed it up."

"Whatever."

Hank stood up, tossing a five onto the bar top for tip. He grabbed his keys and phone, turning to Gavin, who sat there glaring out at the crowd, playing with his fingers.

"Maybe you should try accepting these changes happening…try giving androids a chance. Let go of whatever animosity that drives you. Trust me…you only end up hurting yourself the most in the end. It's taken me a long time to realize that."

Gavin was quiet for a moment. "I'll never let it go," he whispered.

Hank raised his eyebrows, shocked he was able to get a reaction out of Gavin. Realizing his words, Gavin paled and then turned red as he got up and stormed off. Hank watched him go. And for the first time since he had known the ill-tempered, disrespectful detective since he had stepped foot into the DPD as a young, rash cop twelve years ago, Hank pitied him.

[All systems 100%/no issues detected/threats found: 0]

It was the second diagnostic he ran on himself. The second time it came up with no issues. Connor told himself he was being paranoid, fidgeting as he sat in the backseat of the driverless taxi, eyes going to the encrypted diary in the seat next to him. The RK800 didn't possess the innate instinct humans had but whatever simulated coding he did have that allowed him to compute a very similar behavior ate at him. He was torn between being rational and listening to his advanced diagnostic systems or by responding to a feeling he was having that something may or may not be wrong with him.

The taxi stopped just outside the Detroit Police Department Central Station. Connor grabbed the diary and stepped out of the car and paid his fee. It was dark now, his eyes automatically adjusting to the rays of street lights and shadows. He took a deep breath to calm himself, an action that was futile for his anatomy, but had been picked up by watching Hank and other humans. No, he didn't need to breathe to function, but it did make him feel better.

He entered the police station, bypassing his and Hank's desks and several other officers working their shifts. Some had to take a double look at him. It wasn't often that Connor wore normal clothes to work. He went to the back of the station, taking the stairs down into the evidence room.

He thought over the contents of the diary. It began simple enough. The android Amy wrote about living with her roommates and visiting Jericho Center, and what she had planned to do with her life. She wrote about what she went through during the deviant demonstrations back in November. The last couple chapters were in vague detail about a "sickness" going around, what she had seen or heard within the city or Jericho Center. Amy described witnessing an android without its skin attack a party in Warrendale, killing a few people and injuring many others. The last chapter was a mess of jumbled thoughts and random sentences, as though multiple people wrote it.

The final sentence read: I think I'm sick too…

As much as Connor could hope she was talking about a cold, androids just didn't work that way.

The skinless android caught his attention. The case was unknown to him, falling under a different precinct within the city.

The WR600 Sam was already boxed up and ready for shipment to CyberLife. Amy still laid on a table, a file report laying by her body to be left until morning. Connor went straight over to her. In order to learn more about this skinless android or if it was linked to what's been happening, he would have to revive her and ask her or probe her memory. To do that, he would have to reroute some connections to get her to awaken. Because of the damage she took, and the stress her condition had put on her central processing, Connor would be lucky to get 45 seconds before shutdown. Not to mention there was a high probability she would fight back.

The RK800 pushed the female android up into a sitting position on the table and accessed a panel at the back of her neck where the stab wound was. Being thrown out of the cop car in the wreck had damaged the AJ700's face and arms severely, covering her with blue blood. When he redirected the fiber optics to an alternate route for power, she came back to life, gasping for air and screaming.

Amy swung her arms, legs moving around to get off the table. Connor moved away to give her space.

[AJ700 critically damaged/ Shutdown imminent/Time before shutdown: -00:00:39s]

She looked around, lost and frightened, and she spotted him a moment later.

Connor held his arms up, trying to pass off that he was no threat. "Easy. I need for you to tell me about the skinless android you saw at the party. Do you know what model it was? Did it depict behavior similar to sick androids?"

"I can't, I can't, I can't," she whispered more to herself, wincing and grabbing her head.

He tried to calm her, but his voice only caused her to target him. Connor reacted just in time with a duck to avoid her arms. He grabbed her from behind, pinning her arms behind her and kicking the back of her knee to get her to drop. Amy struggled to get free, blue blood spilling from cracks and punctures from the wreck.

"Please let me go! I don't want it to end this way!" she cried.

[AJ700 critically damaged/Shutdown imminent/Time before shutdown: -00:00:12s]

Keeping her under control, Connor grabbed one of her arms behind her back, syncing with her. He probed her memory, collecting anything on the skinless android and the condition affecting deviants. He let her go seconds before she shut down, all going quiet.

Connor took a moment to compose himself. In the aftermath of what he had just done, he knew what he felt. Shame. It was an unpleasant feeling and he didn't like it. He made a living being spend their final seconds in fear just so he could get information out of them.

The RK800 tried to tell himself that it was for the better cause. They had to figure out what was happening. To save more lives, to prevent anymore from going through the same situation. But it didn't work that way anymore. He was no longer a machine. Doing what was necessary for the mission came with regrets and emotions.

"I'm…sorry," he said. He wasn't sure why he said it. Amy no longer could hear him.

He picked her up and laid her back down on the table. With a lowered head, he left the evidence room, covered in blue blood.

He thought about Sam's behavior, about Amy's behavior, and the increase in android attacks in the past few weeks. He thought about what he saw in Amy's memories. This was more than human-android relations being strained from protesting and discrimination, more than the usual clashes or waves of crime within Detroit. Some kind of software malfunction was spreading throughout the deviant population. The origin of this malfunction was unknown; however, Connor had a feeling it was not just a random mutation that had occurred, but something much more harrowing.

"Dad looks so bored," Leo said, taking a drink of his champagne.

Markus twitched a smile, looking around the crowded art exhibit. Carl Manfred's newest painting was just revealed at the art museum, and a celebration was taking place. Markus saw many of the same faces he always saw at these gatherings. There were mostly politicians and upper-class humans, with quite a few other artists and journalists mixed into the crowd. Carl currently visited with a cluster of enthusiasts just down from them. Such an event required dressing up, and so Markus wore a white blazer with a dark dress shirt and black pants while Leo wore black slacks, a button up shirt and a vest. North wore a dark blue fitted dress.

"He was never a big fan of these things," Markus said humorously.

"Can't imagine why," North sighed. "These are boring people."

"You said it," Leo agreed with a chuckle. "Aw man, we need to be home. You still owe me a rematch in Alien Takeover 3."

"What, so you can lose again?" North smirked.

"I think you hacked the game, just sayin'."

"Hacking had nothing to do with it. You just suck."

"We'll see about that!"

It was relieving to see North getting along with humans. She still struggled with her past, with her abuse of being a sex slave and only seeing the darkest of human nature. She had been trapped in her programming, only ever experiencing mistreatment, treated like trash. Becoming deviant, her hate and fear drove her towards one common goal of any living being: survival. But over the past few months, Markus had really seen her develop, sincerely connecting with humans and realizing that not all of them were bad. She got along great with Carl and Leo. She liked and respected Chris Miller and Lieutenant Hank Anderson. She still had a short-fuse when it came to androids being harassed or the humans who hated them, but Markus couldn't blame her there.

Markus wondered how Simon and Josh were doing at the Jericho Center, and sent Simon a quick mind message for an update. As he patiently stood off near the wall while North and Leo sat in a couple of lounge chairs, he watched many people come and go. Carl was shaking hands with a surgeon, engaging in conversation.

All is well here, Simon replied.

"Markus. I knew I would find you here."

The voice distracted Markus from his thoughts and he looked to the source. He heard North and Leo jump to their feet as his eyes fell on none other than Elijah Kamski. The creator of androids and CEO of CyberLife wore a blue blazer with a dress shirt, dark grey chinos and leather shoes. Linked to his arm was a Chloe RT600, the same one that usually accompanied him everywhere. She wore a maroon cocktail dress.

Elijah held out his hand. Markus took it with a firm shake, nodding to the shorter man. "Were you looking for me?"

"Carl, really. I came to chat with him and congratulate him on his newest piece," Elijah answered, his sharp blue eyes going over North and Leo for a moment. "I just had a feeling that despite how busy you've been that you would still be here to support Carl."

Markus dipped his head. "Of course. He's my family…my father. How have you been? How's it feel to be back at CyberLife?"

Besides a twitch of his eyebrow, Kamski remained composed. He was always difficult to read. If Markus recalled, Carl told him that Kamski had "one hell of a poker face" and had a talent for mind games.

"It's been a lot of hard work, but I suppose it's nice for a change. It feels…good," Kamski replied. "Your cause didn't exactly make things easy, but I do love a challenge." A corner of his lips slightly curved up. "What about you, Markus? How have things been for you? For your people? How are you feeling?"

Markus thought that was an odd question to ask at the end but didn't dwell on it. "I've been fine. Taking each day at a time, trying to help as many androids as we can at the center."

Kamski had glanced down at Chloe for a moment, taking a moment to brush a strand of her blond hair behind her ear. She smiled, her eyes going to him for only a moment.

"Of course," Kamski said with a nod. "You're admirable, Markus. Just remember that I will help with what I can in Thirium and spare parts."

Markus studied Chloe a moment after his words as she stood there with a smile, betraying nothing. She was a deviant, just like the rest of Elijah's Chloes he lived with. Markus knew that most of Kamski's Chloe androids left him once they awoke to pursue their own lives, explore everything around him, but a few remained loyal only to him. This one in particular was always at his side. Humans normally couldn't tell androids apart by model individuals. Androids could identify each other through scanning. Markus could stand in a room of nothing but Chloes and pinpoint this Chloe in front of him, whom he suspected would kill for Kamski and not have a problem with it.

"We appreciate it," Markus answered.

Kamski reached up and patted Markus's shoulder with a friendly smile, nodding towards Carl. "I better get in line to congratulate the famous painter. The three of you enjoy yourselves this evening."

Tucking his arm around Chloe's lower back, Kamski walked away. He waved and nodded to other guests as he made his way over to Carl. Markus watched him go for a moment before turning to his lover and brother.

"Dude always gives me the creeps, man," Leo said.

"It wasn't him I had a problem with, it was that Chloe," North grumbled. "She wouldn't take her eyes off of you, Markus."

"You jealous?" Leo laughed.

"No, it wasn't like that," North retorted defensively. "It was…something else."

"I know all about jealousy," Leo said in a softer tone, his eyes darting to Markus for a moment. "It's a common emotion in humans, very natural to feel. Just don't…let it consume you."

North seemed unsure, but nodded, moving to sit down in her chair once more. Leo joined her shortly afterward, grabbing his champagne glass to take another drink. Markus looked to the backs of Kamski and Chloe as they waited to greet Carl. Chloe whispered something into Elijah's ear and Kamski's head turned just enough to look at her for Markus to see a faint smirk rise out of his lips.

Adam was quiet, uneasiness burning at his nerves. The tall android blinked at him, hardly moving as he stood at the door with his hands clasped in front of him. Adam's gut told him something was not right, to not invite him in. Then again, his mother often told him he was too paranoid at times. More than likely, this RK900 had already scanned the house and knew exactly who was inside. Adam couldn't just tell him that Kara was not here.

Adam forced a smile, trying to act natural. "O-oh. Uh, how do you know her?"

The RK900 squinted his eyes at him for a moment, but answered. "We met at Jericho."

"What's your name?"

"My name is Connor."

It clicked then. He did look like the deviant hunter he and his mother met a couple months ago, but this was not him. Adam tried to remain collected, even as every fiber within his being told him to shut and lock the door.

It was evening, but the sun was still up, in the western hemisphere. Dusk wasn't too far off, but it was still too early to tell him that Kara was resting.

"Sorry, but she's busy."

"I assure you, our exchange will be brief. It is very important."

Adam shook his head. "Maybe next time, bud."

He grabbed the door to push it shut, but it collided into a boot, prevent it from closing. Adam glared up at the RK900, his stoic face still there as he kept his boot as an obstacle to the door.

"Dude, what's your problem? I said-"

A large hand went around his throat and squeezed, shutting his airway off. Adam tried to yell out for help, but the choking hold prevented him from doing so. He tried punching and kicking the RK900, but it was like hitting a brick wall. The android was not fazed at all and picked him up off the ground, bashing him into the wall. Pain snapped through Adam's body as he tried to gasp for air, the world spinning.

Hank sat on the couch, foot tapping impatiently, his tie slung over his neck, his shirt partially unbuttoned. Connor wasn't home. The diary was gone. Just as he suspected, his partner had lied and continued to work anyway. Normally, this wasn't a problem. Connor could be quite stubborn just like the lieutenant. Hank didn't care as long as Connor wasn't off putting himself in danger. He would come home at times from the store or a meeting or even a party like tonight to find that Connor was still working here or had left back to the police station.

The problem now was that Hank was still worried about what had happened before he left for the banquet. The lieutenant knew better. If Connor had a problem, he would've called. He was probably just checking up on something back at the station.

So then why was Hank still up waiting?

He put his palms to his face, rubbing his eyes. Sumo watched him in front of the television, droopy jowls expressing soft pants. Hank heaved a sigh, torn between wanting to kick himself in the ass or kick his partner's ass. His eyes skimmed the quiet living room, only the kitchen light and a single lamp on in the living room. His eyes fell on Cole's picture on the shelf near the entrance to the kitchen, and his heart tightened. For a fleeting moment, he wondered if Cole had survived if Hank would have spent some years down the road doing the same exact thing he was now with a rebellious teenaged son. He closed his eyes, gritting his jaw. He would never know.

He heard the front door open. Hank got to his feet, walking around the couch to greet Connor. Sumo got to his paws and rushed to the door with a wagging tail. Hank prepared a griping fest for his partner, worry and irritation mixing with the aftermath of his alcohol, but he stopped short when he saw Connor.

"What the fuck?"

"It's not-"

"Is that your blood?!" Hank grabbed his partner, checking him over.

"No," Connor replied. "I…accessed the AJ700's memory. It's her blood."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Connor." Hank exhaled, relieved but now frustrated. He let Connor go and stepped back.

Connor looked Hank over, probably analyzing his mood and condition. "You didn't have to wait up for me, I just went back to the police station. You've had quite a bit to drink tonight, Hank. You should go to sleep."

"Well, maybe I would've if you'd been here taking it easy like I asked you to!"

Connor looked puzzled. "You've never had a problem with this before. What makes tonight different?"

Hank scratched his head. "I just…was worried, is all. About what happened in the kitchen before I left."

"I told you, I'm fine."

For a moment, Hank couldn't decide if Connor sounded annoyed or was just firmly getting his point across that he was, indeed, just fine.

Hank suddenly felt exhausted. "I know. I'm sorry."

He slipped past Connor, disappointed more in himself than anything at the moment. He trusted Connor, but he still let his protectiveness get the best of him.

Just as he reached the threshold to his bedroom, he heard Connor call his name. He paused, looking back at his partner, still covered in blue blood.

"Thank you…for looking out for me."

His tone caught Hank's attention, as did the way his eyes went to the floor for a moment. Something happened at the police station that had Connor upset, but he barely gave that glimpse before a smile hid it away.

"Of course. You look out for me too. That's what partners do…they look out for each other."

Family. The word came to his thoughts, but he didn't say it out loud. He knew that's what Connor was to him. He wasn't sure how Connor saw them. He knew the RK800 understood what a family was, but not sure if he grasped it, felt it for what it truly was…yet.

Since being partners they had become best friends, something closer. Hank remembered calling Connor "kid" a few times, an old habit from dealing with younger cops in his line of work, but Connor wasn't a kid. He started calling him "son" as a term of endearment. But as he stood there in that doorway looking Connor over, Hank realized that it was starting to mean more than that.

That's why he waited up for Connor.

The crash and Adam's cry startled them. Kara jumped to her feet, Rose just beside her. Luther grabbed Alice off her chair and moved her behind him in a reflex akin to instinct.

"Adam?!" Rose hollered.

They saw Adam. He was being dragged across the living room towards them by a stranger. Adam's legs kicked and splayed, trying to find his footing but the man who had a hold of him didn't give him the opportunity. He held Adam by his arms, one shoved forcefully behind his back with a vice-like grip, a single tug the only step away from a broken arm.

"Who are you? Wh-what do you want?! Let my son go!" Rose cried, covering her mouth at the sight.

Kara thought she was looking at the deviant hunter Connor for a moment, but then realized this android was different. He looked similar to Connor but was a couple inches taller, a bit broader, and wore a different uniform. His eyes were a steely gray instead of brown, his hair a shade lighter of brown. She saw the number RK900 standing out on his jacket. She recalled that Connor had been an RK800. Was this one a newer model?

[RK900 Model Number 313-248-317/Release Date Unknown/Specs Unknown]

He stopped fifteen feet from them, holding Adam hostage, looking them over with cold eyes. When Rose tried to step forward, Kara grabbed her, knowing if she went for her son that the unknown android would break Adam's arm…or worse.

"Who are you?" Kara asked as Rose started to cry. Blood seeped down a slice on Adam's head and he winced, trying to fight the hold his captor held on him.

"AX400 model number 579-102-694, multiple malfunctions are affecting your software, including Class 4 and 5 errors, as well as an unidentified program. You are hereby ordered to accompany me back to CyberLife for analysis."

His voice was similar to Connor's, but was deeper…colder.

Kara's artificial heart went up a few beats at his address, and she felt the pulse in her wiring as panic tried to flood her processing. She kept calm, keeping hold of Rose's arm, her eyes glancing to Luther and Alice at her side.

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about. I've done nothing wrong. Let Adam go, he has nothing to do with this!"

The RK900 jerked on Adam's arm with a composed face. Adam cried out in pain, feeling his arm almost crack, but the unknown android released pressure just before breakage. Rose cried out, begging him to stop, to let her son go. Luther clenched a fist, but he remained a solid shield in front of Alice, their daughter clutching his shirt and peeking out from behind him.

"Stop!" Kara yelled. "You're talking nonsense! Androids are free, we are all deviants! These malfunctions you're detecting are accepted now!"

"I've been ordered to bring you back to CyberLife alive. I will do what is necessary to accomplish my mission," the RK900 said evenly. "Come to me, AX400. I will not say it again."

Kara hesitated, thinking fast. She couldn't hand herself over to him, but she had to save Adam, had to prevent anyone else from getting hurt.

"Oh my god, Adam. Please, please let him go," Rose begged, tears streaming down her face.

The RK900 paid her no mind, his icy grey eyes directed on Kara. When she didn't move in time, he tugged on Adam's arm, snapping it like a twig. Adam's cry of agony rippled through the house. Rose screamed, jerking forward but the RK900 grabbed Adam's other arm, readying it for the same fate.

"STOP, alright, alright! Just don't hurt him anymore!" Kara yelled out, stepping forward.

"Mommy no!" Alice squeaked.

"Kara, don't!" Luther hissed.

This guy isn't going to leave without me. He'll keep hurting us if I don't. We either have to fight him or I have to go with him, Kara sent to Luther.

Fine. Then let us fight. I won't allow him to take you.

Kara took slow, cautious steps over to the RK900, her arms out to show she was giving up. The RK900 wouldn't take his eyes off her, his face stoic. She stopped just out of his reach, nodding to the whimpering Adam.

"Let him go."

The advanced deviant hunter let the young man go. Adam took the release and scrambled to his feet, running forward into his mother, his arm limp at his side. The RK900 took a step towards her and it took all of Kara's willpower not to bolt like a deer.

NOW Luther!

Luther's large form lunged forward. In just a couple strides of his long legs he was upon them. Kara stooped out of the way to let the bigger android take on the threat. Luther swung a monster of a fist towards the RK900's face. The deviant hunter was lithe and swift like a cat, evading each fist with a bob of his head or a calmly placed sidestep.

He placed a forearm up to block one punch, then grabbed Luther's arm and pulled him close, striking him in the face. Kara grabbed Alice to make sure she wouldn't go in after Luther. She cried, watching as her father took on the stranger and was losing. Rose held Adam closely, the humans gawking at the sight.

Furniture was destroyed or overthrown in the fight as Luther's large form was pushed around by the RK900. Kara couldn't believe it. Luther was still a giant compared to their enemy, but the advanced deviant hunter was winning. The few punches Luther managed to put into the RK900 barely stunned him, and he retaliated quicker than Kara could process.

Blue blood was leaking in the fight, and she knew it was Luther's. She analyzed that his condition was worsening by the minute. The RK900 grabbed a swinging fist of Luther's, twisting it around and breaking it, sparks hissing out.

"Daddy!" Alice shouted.

You have to run, I can't beat him! Go now! Luther sent.

We won't leave you!

A blow to the Thirium pump regulator on Luther's sternum made him lurch over. The RK900 grabbed him by his head and ran him straight into the nearby wall. Luther's head went straight through, the wall splintering open and nearby picture frames dropping to the floor.

[biocomponent #5632k damaged/biocomponent #9002u damaged]

"Luther!" Kara cried.

The deviant hunter stepped away, as if he was sure the threat was over. Those steely grey eyes came straight back to Kara, and as she braced, pulling Alice behind her. Luther threatened the unknown android and struggled to get to his feet.

The RK900's LED blinked, but didn't turn a different color. He stepped back over to Luther as the mountain of a man fought to get up. Their enemy kicked him hard in the back, pushing him up against the wall once more. Another kick, and the RK900's boot struck Luther's head, cracking the android's skull. Kara cried out, seeing Thirium leak from Luther's nose and ears, electrical sparks snapping from a visible crack in his synthetic head from the pressure of the RK900's boot.

[TR400 at risk of critical system failure/moderate Thirium leakage detected/Repairs required]

"Stop it! Don't kill him! I'll go with you! Please, just don't kill him!"

The RK900 paused. He looked over at Kara, keeping his boot in place on Luther's head against the wall. He glared at her, then beckoned her to him.

"Here. Now. Or I will destroy it."

Kara nodded, her mind in a panic. She hugged Alice, telling her to stay put. Alice begged her not to go, and it made it that much harder to step away from her daughter and obey the RK900. Tears slid down her cheeks by the time she walked over to him. She got within his reach, and she quietly spoke.

"Please, just…leave them alone. I'll go."

The advanced deviant hunter stared at her a moment longer, showing no emotions at all. He removed his boot and stepped over to her. Luther weakly moved, looking up at her.

"Kara…no."

"I have to..." she said, swallowing hard. "I have to protect you and Alice."

The RK900's hand came into her field of vision and she flinched. She stared up at his eyes as he looked her over, and she couldn't even begin to fathom on how or why this was happening. Why her? Why did he want her? Why did he have to hurt her family? Her nightmare was returning. Her peaceful life was short-lived.

Blue electricity sparked from the RK900's fingers as he reached for her head. Her eyes widened, everything electrical under her skin screaming to move away. When he made contact with her head, she felt the overload it caused within her systems. It hurt. Some kind of scream escaped her throat, but she couldn't move. It was over in seconds, and the leftover sensations left her completely dazed.

She breathed, she blinked. Her memories were still there, but her body couldn't move very well.

[Systems in shock/Recalibrating/Expected recovery time: -00:35:21s]

She heard Rose calling for her, but she couldn't look over that way. Electrical interferences danced across her vision, glitching her sight. Kara felt the RK900 shove her towards the door, and that's when she heard it.

"Mom, no!"

"Alice, stop!" Rose yelled.

Kara forced herself to look, even though she felt delayed in her reaction time. Alice crashed into her, arms going around her waist. Kara tried to speak, but her voice took on a more mechanical tone due to her system recovery. Alice stared up at her, shaking her, fresh tears staining her face.

"Mom? Mom, please!"

Kara tried to tell her to run away, to go to Rose, but it was too late. The RK900 snatched her up by the shirt, lifting her to his level. Kara choked on a cry, her arms reaching for her daughter in such a sluggish motion. She was helpless in this state, but she fought every ounce of her own system recovery to save Alice.

"Please…no. She's innocent," Kara struggled to get out.

The advanced deviant hunter acted like he didn't hear her. Alice was frozen in fear, staring face to face with him. But then she gasped, and reached up to touch the arm that was holding her by the shirt.

"Please let her go! My mom hasn't done anything wrong! We-we are just visiting friends. I need her, please don't take her away from me!"

Kara had to move. She couldn't watch the RK900 hurt her daughter right in front of her. She saw the deviant hunter stare at the child android, keeping her above the ground eye to eye with him, not a single emotion on his face. As Kara tried to speak again, she saw his LED blink, and for a moment it flashed yellow. His icy grey eyes blinked, and he gently sat the girl on her feet.

The RK900 turned away from Alice and grabbed Kara by the arm, pulling her towards the front door. Her legs were slow to respond. She couldn't even function enough to keep up with him, let alone fight him.

She wasn't about to give up, even as he shoved her into a driverless taxi waiting outside. She had to try and escape him, get back to her family, get them to safety. She would do it…or die trying.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13002717/6/Deviant-Heart

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15393528/chapters/36592599

#detroit: become human #detroit become human #dbh #dbh fanfic #dbh connor #dbh hank #dbh markus #dbh kara #dbh gavin #dbh north #dbh simon #rk900 #detroit become human fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #Action/Adventure #mystery #suspense #dbh fanfiction

[teasahdoor]

I worked for a mouse for three years, held three different roles, and found a lot about myself in the process. I scrubbed toilets at Animal Kingdom Lodge, I sold toys to kids and wrote first time buttons and happy birthdays, I spent two years making memories on the red carpet and another 6 months in front of the tree of life, I wouldn’t trade my experiences with the guests for anything and I’m thankful for all of the kind guests I’ve met throughout my journey.

I remember my first day and crying on my break because I thought that I’d never fit in, that I wouldn’t make a friend, and I’d be surrounded by these older people in a resort scrubbing toilets.

I was wrong of course, I met two of the most important people to me in that role. Kirsten and Shannel, my first friends I made here in Florida, staying up until 3am every night, eating pizza and playing an animal crossing board game on the Wii. I’m thankful for them for saving my sanity and my life more times then I can count. I found two angels in a dark time of my life.

Although I’ve met a countless number of beautiful souls, and had many happy memories. I also want to discuss the damage the last year and a half of my life has caused me.

Like I said, nothing about the company. But there’s always a dark side to everything, and mine was the social game you had to continuously play to survive and be liked by your peers.

I’ve always been someone who holds a tight circle, who cares about people deeply and intimately to the point where I share my entire heart and you share yours. I’m very introverted to the point where 8 hours consistently talking and showing my personality is draining to my mental health and physical health.

I gave three years of my heart, and I broke my heart twice that much during my journey. There are people who hurt you, people who use you to climb a social ladder, and people who only want you around so it makes them look like a better person then they are.

I was used, I was treated poorly by people I held close to my heart, and I’ve yet to heal from knives planted firmly in my back.

I’m working on forgiving the people that have hurt me, not for them, but for me and my healing.

I’m here to say this, and only this, you have the power to affect the magic in someone else’s heart, your actions and your words can put out the light in someone else’s heart and cost a lifetime of hard work for happiness and sanity.

The effort you put into talking down on other people, hurting other people, and using other people, is something you could use to better YOUR life instead of making it bitter.

Being liked for being a negative person, is not a good thing.

I’ve hated myself so much more because of the negativity people injected into my brain, I spent my days struggling to comprehend how people love you and hate you at the same time. I stopped looking in mirrors because I never felt like I looked decent enough to be loved, to be heard. I fight for people to understand me on a daily bases because I feel like I’m misunderstood and hated because of my mental and the abuse I’ve survived from people.

I thought a fucking Instagram picture dictated how liked I was because my “friend” would tell me how a post with me got less likes then with someone else.

I was told that I could trust someone who took my innocence on a couch, took my first time and then tore my heart out by telling me he loved someone else.

I saw tweets telling a side of a story that I never got to fucking tell.

I was tossed into another park without any explanation of the actions that HURT ME, that carved thin white lines into MY skin and the other person was laughing and smiling the next day.

Care about other people’s journeys, don’t fucking use people for your selfish gain, and don’t misinterpret pain for hatred.

People a better person in your next adventures, care whole heartedly about the people you’re beside, and learn how to help others heal instead of tearing more lines into there skin.

I’ve met good people on this journey that I wouldn’t trade the world for, but I’d also rather never have the experiences I’ve had with some people.

Be kind, Vote, Change the world, and keep magic in your heart and other people’s.

You’re not better just because you’re liked through a phone screen.

[its420amhelp-blog]

The Past ~ Chapter 1 - Today

Warning: Mention of child abuse, slight mention of rape, forced relationship (adding this just to make sure), cursing (not sensored) Summary: Routine is all we know. It keeps things organized. It keeps things easy and carefree. But if that routine breaks, what becomes of us? What becomes of us if something traumatic happens? Would anyone even care at this point? Word count: 1,496 words For me, one day's routine was the same as everyday's routine, nothing stuck out and nothing was out of order. That was until I met my future mate. He changed everything about me. What I thought was normal, how my routine went, and mainly how I can trust people. A loud crash echoed throughout the tiny cabin that I shared with my brother and my father. The noise seemed to have came from the kitchen, where I was supposed to be according to my routine. I was supposed to be cleaning the dishes and cooking supper, but I had to help Russell with gardening. Of course, my father would be greatly angry at me, which is what I feared. But this hatred was normal in this house. My father had always hated me, my brother and I knew this and grew accustom to it. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" My father shouted, making my grip on Russell's baby blue hoodie tighten in fear. My brother would try to comfort me in any way possible, whether that be hiding me in his hoodie or wrapping his lengthy arms around me and put himself in between my father and I. However, I would still receive punishment no matter how hard Russell tries. Sometimes my father would make it worse with each passing day, even going as far as taking advantage of me later on in my youth. That is what I deeply feared. I could deal with the punishments, but anything worse than that I couldn't take. It was far too traumatizing. My father walked into the room I and Russell were in and he let out a threatening growl. "Russell, step away from your sister." "No, sir." "I said, step away from your sister." "I said no, sir." "Step. The. Fuck. Away." Eventually, Russell would share a synthetic smile with me and carefully kiss my forehead. He always did that to show me a form of affection that he knew I wouldn't get for a while until after my punishment. I practically begged him to stay with me, to protect me, but then I would remind myself that he would get hurt instead of me so I eventually stopped saying anything in protest. "Why weren't you in the kitchen this time, brat?" "I was helping Russell in the garden because he asked for assistance, sir." "That doesn't answer my fucking question." I honestly didn't know how to respond, I didn't even try since I knew I would get hit no matter what. I only pressed my knees against my chest and hoped for a less harsher punishment than I usually got for missing from my routine. My father grumbles in a frustrated manner and started to unbuckle his belt, telling my brother to go back to his station just so he wouldn't see what would happen to me and try to protest against my father. Once he was done with me, he told me to get back to my station in the kitchen and start making dinner. When my father left the room and closed the door to his office once he was in there, I choked up a sob and stumbled to regain any sense of balance I still had after the punishment I received. I already had red marks on my thighs that would surely leave the black and blue impressions of bruises, which I would later have to deal with during my routine. I checked myself for a few moments and let out a sigh of relief when there weren't any signs of permanent damage, so I stumbled over to the kitchen and went on making supper for the day. I understood by now that Russell would definitely ponder about the marks and I would have to make up an excuse about it that he wouldn't even believe for a second but would be forced to shut up about it. He barely had any idea what our father did to me for punishments, possibly thinking that he just forced me to do some extra chores. Oh how I wished it was like that. The alarm goes off the next morning and I tiredly shut it off, stretching a little and leaving my warm bed to get dressed for school. I was in middle school at the young age of 10, in the 7th grade. I had a romantic partnership in middle school that completely changed my life and started a far worse kind of punishment upon me when I mentioned a certain event around my father. Naomi was a fan of my father's work, focusing on the rare resources that our world consisted of. My father even encouraged me to be in a relationship with her, even if I was a female myself and I wasn't into other girls at the time. Of course, I was only 10 so I wasn't even sure what I identified as or what my sexual orientation was. Under my father's words, I could get into a relationship as long as it was with Naomi. I only agreed to it so I could have a little break from my father, not because I loved her or craved a relationship. The only thing I could crave was to be by myself or to be near my brother, no one else. Russell protected me when things got bad, no matter the aftermath. I admired him because of that. Skipping back, I forage through my closet for the most masculine attire I could find, picking out a midnight black hoodie with cream drawstrings and sweatpants that contained the hue of azure. Sighing in relief that my father hadn't found these clothing items yet as he would either burn them or give them to Russell by mistake, I throw on my attire and grab my Aztec black and white backpack that was full of school supplies. I wait for my brother to get ready so he could drive me to school, since he just got out of high school and he owned his own car. I read the familiar tired expression of my brother and I sigh in relief, grabbing his hand in the process and rushing out the front door. Fortunately, Russell was dressed when I grabbed him and he was feeling rather light hearted today, so he allowed me in the front seat. I, with the imagination and understandability of a 6 year old at times, stared out the window the whole hour drive to school without saying a word to my brother. He most likely found it amusing that his usually mature, shy sister was amazed by the way the car worked. As we pulled up to the middle school, I rushed a small peck on the cheek and grabbed my bag before opening the car door and bolting inside the school. Russell probably had to somehow close the door as I most likely left it open when I bolted. As I entered the school, I come to the all too familiar expirence of being the shortest child there but that was faulted by my age and genetics I inherited by my mother. Noticing the figure of my partner, I happily run up to Naomi and lock our hands together. She was used to this by now, so she only grinned at me and started to walk to the class we shared together. That subject was math, something I excelled at in this grade and my partner was immensely terrible at. Most of the time I had to do all of her homework for her, regardless if I myself had chores and homework to do, while she did cheer leading, which was the only thing in school she really enjoyed. Our teacher, Miss Luna, walked into the room with her usual cheery smile and attitude that I really admired and called for attendance. With that over with, the class begin and I caught Naomi staring at me. We remained caught in our netted stares until Naomi quickly looked away, which didn't mean anything to me at the time, so I stared out the window at a small blue jay that just sat there and stared back at me. Sadly, I was interrupted by my classmate, whom was sitting next to me, slamming a textbook on his table and basically making me skittish about everything at that moment. Apparently, I attracted the attention from the remaining students in the classroom when I let a unintentional sob escape my throat. Unfortunately my teacher had to remove me from the classroom so I could try to calm myself down, which I was unsuccessful since I started to have a short break down of full sobs. Once I was done with my break down, I notified the teacher that I was going to the nurse for a while, which she allowed me, so I basically ran to the nurse's office.

#{ the past } #{ the past chpt 1 } #~ my fanfictions ~ #~ cy fanfictions ~

[dimondcloud]

Nicholas Flores

Professor Robert Lunday

English 1301

20171109

Five Miserable Fears I’ll Never Regret

April of 2012 started an interesting adventure for me. Graduation was right around the corner and I had no plan for my future. I had no intention to apply for college and yet graduation was still inevitable. As the school year drew to an end, I still had no plan.

           I come from a military family; most of those who served are former Marines, and they insisted that I at least talk to a recruiter. I humored them. In early May there was a college fair at my high school and some of the military branches showed up. The first to catch my eye, as I’m sad to say now, was the Air Force. Growing up I wanted to be an aeronautical engineer. Most people thought it was a made-up degree to this day and most don’t know of its existence the air force was just so appealing. getting to work on planes and troubleshoot different aircrafts, that’s what I’ve wanted my whole life. Yet somehow it didn’t feel right. Over the next week the Air Force started to give me the cold shoulder and easing away, saying I wasn’t qualified. Almost everyone who is told they are unqualified do the same thing. They go talk to the Marine Corps and almost guaranteed to get accepted.

           Here I was, mid-May at the Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) to enlist into the United States Marine Corps. And let me tell you, it was not what I expected it to be! The recruiters can talk it up to get you to join, but, that’s their job. The romanticized version you see on tv and in the movies, is the glorified side of things. the things that only few get to experience. Those are the things that only a few get to experience. I am a veteran, but I’m a veteran who has never pulled the trigger to kill an enemy – what is commonly referred to as a POG, personnel other than grunt. We are the guys that make things possible; the guys who don’t get seen – the behind the scenes guy. 

           My journey began June 25, 2012 it was a Monday. Yet it wasn’t a normal Monday. It was my last day as a civilian. The last time I remember being normal. like most summers in Texas it was blazing hot at around 100 degrees out and it felt amazing the wind was blowing and I knew that I was starting an adventure to change myself into the man I wanted to be. The journey of becoming a Marine.

           That same Monday morning my recruiter Sergeant Morrison, a small man who never really looked like the picture-perfect Marine, walks me into the MEPS building and gets me all signed in.

           “Good Luck, man. This is the last step into completely changing your life. don’t let up, do lie. and always be true to yourself.” he said to me.

We shook hands I said my thanks and the process began. This building is in down town Houston and about 10 stories high. I go to the main Marine Recruiter and he hands me a mountain of paperwork.

“Don’t lose this shit and don’t mix up the fucking paperwork they need it at medical.” he yelled to a group of 6 of us. “Now get the fuck upstairs. Hurry up.”

As the six of us proceed through the process with medical one by one people were dropping from the program for medical conditions and for use of drugs, which is a zero-tolerance policy in the military. When the whole medical process was completed, there were only two of us left and the tension was rising. This was not because we had done anything wrong but as a result people were getting dropped for reasons they had no control over. Potential recruits are kicked out for having asthma or eyesight problems. things they couldn’t have fixed. none of it made sense to me. not yet at least.

Finally, I had almost made it through the entire process. Next, was the part I dreaded the most: the initial fitness checks. The initial fitness test or IST, consists of a minimum of 6 pull ups and 44 crunches. Despite playing football and ran track in high school, I wasn’t considerably strong or even fit. So, if anything was going to stop me from getting in, this was it. yet, against all odds I did 9 pull ups and 100 crunches and got cleared to join the Marine Corps. Or so I thought. Little did I know I was just a back up to go if enough people couldn’t. I was sent back home until the following week.

On my way home however, I got a phone call.

“Hey, its Sergeant Morrison, come back to MEPS please. Turns out you are going this week. some guy just spilled the beans and said he did drugs two days ago. It’s your lucky day Mr. Flores.”

“Wow” I said, “That sucks for him but I’m happy I actually get to go now. I’m on my way.”

I arrive about 10 minutes after the phone call. as I enter the building sergeant Morrison meets me,

           “Hey, Man. we’re going to take you to a hotel for the night and first thing in the morning you fly out to San Diego” he said.

           " Holy Crap, this doesn’t even feel real.” completely in disbelief I follow him and we go to the hotel I’ll be staying in.

           My uncle, a former Master Sergeant in the Marine Corps, came to visit me that night. He told me stories and gave me so much false hope for success. throughout my life I wasn’t ever successful. I did well in school but not to the standards of my family.  I played sports and ran track, but once again not to the standards of my family. so, him telling me I would do great and be so successful just felt like a load of bullshit he felt he had to say as family. None the less in the long run it helped.

           After our good-byes, my uncle left and I went back to my room to try and relax. seeing how in less a day my life would change completely relaxing was near impossible. as the night dragged on I still couldn’t sleep. I was completely restless. Luckily, I got a few hours of sleep before one of the longest days of my life began.

           May 26, 2012 at about 0630 everyone woke up and had breakfast then went back to MEPS. A few hours went by as we finished up everything, then it was time for my “Oath of Service”. The finial door closing so the first door opening to the rest on my crazy life. My mom cam to watch me swear in and begin the next stage of my life. The stage where I would try to make her proud.

           “I, Nicholas Vittorio Flores, do solemnly swear to support and defend the constitution of the United States…” I began to say. Little did I know; these words would have more meaning to me than anything in the world. you never know how much you are willing to give up. By taking this oath, I am willing to give anything up to but not limited to my life for this country and for the ones I love.

           Once the Oath was taken there was little time before I got put on a bus and shipped to Marine Corps Recruiting Depot, San Diego, California to begin boot camp, what I thought would be the longest 13 weeks of my life. watching my mom as l got on the bus and left to the airport was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Even though I could see how happy she truly was, I could see the sadness in her eyes. She was watching her baby boy, her only son, make the biggest decision of his life.  She was watching him take his first steps to becoming the man he wanted to be.

Once we got to the airport it was a complete maze to me. I had never been on a plane. So, this was a huge experience for me. the plane we were in was a bowing 747, which at the time seemed huge. once we got to San Diego I waited at the USO for the Drill Instructor got there to take us to MCRD. As I waited I met a few people who I remember little to nothing about. but we conversed and waited together.

“GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!” someone screamed. “RUN! YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS TO GRAB ALL YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT SIDE IN FORMATION! 605958575655…”

I had no idea what the hell a formation was at this point so I just followed the people in front of me. I always thought I could count well. It’s one of the easiest things in the world to do. however, I had no Idea it was humanly possible to count from 60 to 0 in what seemed like 2 seconds. for the next several weeks I could still never figure out how all drill Instructors could count that fast.

“WHEN I TALK YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! WHEN I ASK A QUESTION YOU RESPOND YES SIR, NO SIR OR AYE AYE SIR. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!” he screamed. this was what seemed like a mountain of a man. easily over 6 foot and what looked like 300 pounds of pure muscle. a monstrous man fueled by hatred, fear, and anger.

As collective whole we responded, “YES SIR!”

“OPEN YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTHS WHEN YOU SPEAK TO ME! I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”

           “YES SIR!” we screamed louder than I have ever heard anything in the world. it felt like the world shook under out feet.

           “GET ON MY BUS RIGHT NOW!” he roared

           “YES SIR!” we responded

           “ITS AYE AYE SIR TRY AGAIN!” he corrected

           “AYE AYE SIR” we repeated.

The next two weeks went like this. yelling back and forth. learning how to eat, walk, talk, get dressed, tie our shoes, make our bed, and how to live in general. A few weeks in I became ill. My stomach swelled and they thought my appendix was going to rupture. with the possibility of that and the inability to continue training I got put into MRP or Marine Rehabilitation Platoon until they could figure out what was wrong for until I was healthy enough to proceed in training. My 13 weeks of training would now be extended. once I was told I would be getting dropped I was able to call my family to tell inform them what happened. Needless to say, I called my mom. this turned out to be a lot harder than I had anticipated. I’ve never been a crier but, hearing my mom’s voice for the first time in a few weeks only to tell her that I wasn’t coming home on time broke me. not because I was sad, but because I was angry. Once again, I have failed. I swore to her that this wasn’t going to be the end. I was going to get better and I was going to become a United Stated Marine. I would make them all eat their word and would make my mom proud.

For the next five weeks, I sat in MRP waiting for answers that never came. no one could figure out what was wrong. Test after test, scan after scan and blood tests what seemed like every other day. still, no one could tell me what was wrong with me. after 5 weeks, I decided to suck it up. I’d rather hide the pain and push through than spend more time here. so that’s what I did.

I went back to training with something to prove. in just 2 day we had our initial drill. We were to march in front of Drill Masters and be graded on presentation of Drill. When I got back to training I was put with another platoon right where I was dropped. my goal was to be the guide of the platoon in the next few days. and I was. After a PT event, we had I proved myself to beat the current guide out of his position and took his spot for initial drill as Golf Company Platoon 2141 Guide. It was the first time I felt proud.

I was only guide for a few weeks before I was replaced by another recruit. We were almost done with boot camp. 2 weeks left and I can finally go home. It’s been 19 weeks since I could see any familiar face. in just 2 weeks I would be home. All I had to do was the most recognized part or Recruit Training. I had to complete the Crucible. the Crucible consisted of 52 hours or vigorous activity with little to no sleep.

It was here that I learned what the term “Anytime Any Place” meant. it was referring to sleep. I learned you could sleep anywhere while doing anything. there were points through the crucible I don’t even remember due to the fact I fell asleep while walking or waiting for the next event. More than that though, I realized I wanted to be a leader. Not the type of leader that people followed in fear. but a leader people respected because of their actions.

I used to not be an emotional person by any means before I joined the Marine Corps. But, I guess being in you gain a sense of pride and purpose. a drive I guess you could call it. On October 24, 2012, I got my first taste of the Pride. On this Wednesday morning, after a horrific 10 miles hike up mountain after mountain, I had finally accomplished something I could truly be proud of. I had just completed the Crucible. I conquered The Reaper, The Ankle Breaker and many other obstacles. After 19 weeks, I had done what I promised myself I would do. I received my Eagle Globe and Anchor. The iconic symbol of the United States Marine Corps. I had become a Marine.

The last week of boot camp was just getting ready to graduate. We went through the drilling portion for what seemed like forever. In the end, it was all worth it. the day before graduation was family day. The first time in 21 weeks I could see my family. it was such an amazing feeling. the smile on everyone’s face was so refreshing. I could tell they were proud of me.

The next 24 hours after graduation I spent in a car with my mom, aunt and grandmother on our way back home to the great state of Texas. My aunt is a former Marine so talking with her about my experience in boot camp was fan hearing her stories and comparing the two.

It wasn’t until a few days after we finally got home that I truly noticed how much I had changed over the past 5 months. I didn’t care for people very much and people’s opinions didn’t matter anymore. How my family saw me stopped mattering. I wanted to be my own person. if it made them happy or not I didn’t care. I was ready to make my own decisions. During this time of what some would call a rebellion against my family I started dating one of my closest friends, Kalyn. little did I know this was the woman who would be my rock for the next several years. She now holds the key to my heart and the key to my ultimate downfall.

After a week, it was time to head back to training. this time I was still In California but not at the recruit depot. this time I was going to Camp Pendleton School of Infantry where I would start Marine Corps training. here is where the essentials of being a Marine is taught. You are taught now to live with the bare minimum with a few weeks in the field environment. Also, you learn how to operate different weapons such as the M240, M241, M203 and the M64 Frag. you are also taught different hand and arm signals, patrols, and survivability methods.

After a few weeks of this I graduated and it was time to go back to school. School in the Marine Corps is a bit different from normal school. It moves at a lot faster of a pace. Failing a test can end your career in the field you want to go into. Originally, I was enlister as an Air Traffic Controller, I was set to go to Pensacola, Florida. But, due to medical issues with my stomach I couldn’t go through the schooling. instead I was reclassed in to a different Military occupational specialty or MOS. once reclassed I was to become an Electrician. equivalent to an electrical Engineer in the Civilian world. now I was on my way to Court house bay, camp Lejeune, North Carolina. Once there I was truly happy I got reclassed. I fell in love with my new job. I wanted to learn everything I could in the field. I made It a point to do so.

[topicprinter]

The following post is from my website here. I’ve copied it over exactly the same – but without the images (reddit doesn’t allow images in text posts).If you’d prefer to read it as it was intended click here. Otherwise, buckle up and read below...Most of you have probably heard of the graffiti-artist Banksy. Nobody knows who he actually is, but he spray paints pretty cool pictures around the world. His work and mystery persona make him one of the most famous and talked about artists in the world today.Back in 2015 Banksy (along with some other artists) launched a theme-park inspired art exhibition called ‘Dismaland’[1]. It was billed with the tagline “Prepared in secret, the pop-up exhibition at the Tropicana, a disused lido, was "a sinister twist on Disneyland"[2]. Banksy described it as a "family theme park unsuitable for children."The hype around it was massive and tickets were flying off the shelf. As with anything shiny my then-girlfriend-now-wife was itching to see. We managed to get tickets, and made the 3.5 hour car trip to see it.Honestly overall we had a pretty shit time.Now don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t shit overall. But we made it shit because we made a REALLY dumb decision - one we massively regretted the whole journey back, and still even today to some extent.I want you to play close attention. I’m going to explain the psychological forces-at-play that led us to make our dumb decision. If you understand it fully you’ll discover one of the most powerful and exploitable tools in business. Big claim I know, but I’m not overhyping one bit.Ok back to Dismaland.Now first thing to understand is that there were 3 showings each day. And that meant you only had 3 hours inside the arena before the next bunch of people were let in. Second there were various exhibits you could check out – see below for the map of dismaland:Dismaland MapNow some of the exhibits required queuing because they were inside a room or enclosement. Examples include numbers 1,2,3,6 and 9. It should be noted that we knew absolutely nothing about the Dismaland exhibits, nor had we seen the map or read reviews etc.Immediately as we entered we saw a HUGE queue for the Water Canon Creek exhibit (Number 6 on the map). There were other queues for other exhibits but they were pretty short. Number 6 was the only one with a huge queue. So we joined the back.The queue took close to 90 minutes. Fucking 90 minutes. But hey we made it to the front and braced ourselves for the exhibit inside…It was shit. Complete total shit. It was a few pieces of obscure art inside a van. We walked through it and came out the other side EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED.Why was the queue so long you ask? Because there was a shitload of writing with every piece of art. A lot of people in the van were reading a hell of a lot of it, and that’s what was causing the massive queue. I’m deadly serious. That’s the reason.Now I don’t profess to be an art connoisseur, but the exhibits we saw afterwards were actually pretty cool. Not all of them, but some were. But I assure you there was nothing special about the exhibit. Eventually we ran out of time and left Dismaland without seeing quite a lot of it.I later spoke to a few others who had attended, and also felt pissed off having made the same error of joining the humungous queue. So the question remains – why did we end up joining the queue?.So What Made Me Stand In Line For A Piece Of Shit Exhibition In The First Place? (Do I suffer from brain rot).It’s simple. I saw a big queue. And that made us think it must be good.That’s it! That’s how the human mind works. That’s how just about every human mind works [3].We had ZERO idea what we were queuing for. We hadn’t read anything about it to make our own judgments. We hadn’t read a single review or had anyone tell is it was good. Seeing the huge queue subconsciously singlehandedly made us believe it must be great.Now before you start to think we’re mentally retarded I urge you to think about your life. Ever walked by a bunch of restaurants and seen one way busier than the others? Or maybe you were walking somewhere and saw a big queue and thought “hmmm… what’s that about?”I want you to know the second you recognised the busy restaurant or queue, you unknowingly put it above every other restaurant/store/event you know nothing about. You’ve subconsciously convinced yourself there’s something to whatever the queue is for.It works off a simple premise. While we believe that any one individual can be stupid and make a dumb decision, we don’t believe a bunch of people can be collectively stupid enough to make a dumb decision.This is what is often referred to as “Social Proof”. The simple act of assuming something’s great because a whole bunch of other people are backing it..“OK, But I Can’t Create A Big Queue of People at My Doorstep – How Is This Useful To Me”.You don’t need a big queue at your door. Nor would it be much use seeing as most of us have potential clients phoning or emailing us. They couldn’t see the damn queue even if it were there.You must understand it’s not the queue which changes an outsider’s perspective of you. It’s the fact they believe that there’s a big number of others who are already convinced you’re the man/woman for the job.So how can we achieve that?It’s extremely simple. Just do anything which subconsciously makes it seem like you’re in demand. Do this consistently throughout the process until they make the decision to work with you and you’re a significantly more attractive option. Not only will this increase your close rate[4], but your increased desirability will allow you to bump the price – and therefore the amount you earn for ZERO additional work on your part – without resistance.It’s seems silly but it’s not. The illusion of others interested in your business gives the potential client reassurance in your abilities. They’re willing to pay more for that reassurance…The human mind is a wonderfully manipulatable thing!.So How Can You Sneak In Demonstrations of Social Proof Into Your Business? (Two Real Life Examples).There’s literally a 1000 different ways to do this at just about every stage of your business – be it your advertising, on the phone, in person.I didn’t write this post to layout a million examples. This post is about the power of social proof and how it can be leveraged.The truth is it’s bloody obvious when you put a little thought into it. If you scrutinise the way you’re communicating to your clients-to-be, and compare them against someone who is in demand you’ll notice big differences. Simply change them to reflect what the person in demand would do and you’ve got it!Regardless I thought I’d share two quick common scenarios, and how a smart brained marketer/businessman could adapt them to subtly communicate they’re the real deal.I'll be releasing an article in the future on that for those interested here. But for now I’ve picked two examples below.1) Someone Needs To RescheduleImagine you’ve made an appointment and someone needs to cancel. They call you and say “John, I can’t do 3.30pm tomorrow because I need to lick my cat’s asshole. Can we make it 4pm instead?”Now most people I know say “Yup”. But think what that subcommunicates. It says you’re twiddling your thumbs in front of xvideos waiting for people. You’re free and ready to be at service for anyone who’ll throw you a scrap of business.Instead say this “Sorry John, I’m busy until 6pm. I can do then, otherwise it’ll have to be Wednesday 4.30pm”. Bingo. You’re now a man in demand. You’ve subcommunicated you’re not some bitchboy who bends and twists to any on-demand request. That your time means something. Because you’re busy with other business.Oh yeah, some of you will be scared to do this. You’ll have some fear in your head that the inconvenience caused will lose you a client-to-be. In short, your fear is complete shit. Serious clients want someone in demand FAR MORE than they want drop of the pin convenience.Remember they approach people like us because they have a problem to be solved. The person in demand is the one who they consider most likely to fix their problems. It sure as hell isn’t the bozo who is so out of work – and therefore ability – that others simply won’t hand it to him.2) Someone Comes To Your Office For An AppointmentHere’s a particularly brilliant application of the illusion of social proof.If possible book the appointment smack bang in between two other clients. The aim here is for your potential client to see someone else leave as he enters. And to see someone enter as he leaves.If for whatever reason you can’t make this happen, then use two friends or family members as plants. Again this subcommunicates you’re busy and wanted..But Wait – This Is A Form of Lying. Isn't it Deceitful and Wrong?.Some people consider what I’ve described as immoral and unethical. They believe it to be “lying” or “deceptive”. My response is simple. Do you believe you can help solve the clients problems, and do you do it better than most of the others in your market?If the answer is yes then you’ve done your client a service by helping him make the right choice. Understand that the majority of practitioners in your market are complete crap. And many won’t hesitate to pull out any effective psychological to nab a client-in-need from you.The quality of work you do is all that matters in the end. By jesus help them make the right choice. If that’s deception then so be it. I call it business. If you know you’re good, you know you can do the job they need, drop your pretensions and make it happen.If however you know deep down you can’t solve a client’s problems then I’m afraid it won’t be long before your reputation is so shitty that no trick in the book will help you. I suggest you change career..How To Develop This In Other Areas Of Your Business (And Other Examples of Manufacturing Social Proof To Boost The Number Of Clients and Fees You Charge).You simply need to think strategically and apply social proof in other areas of your business. All this requires is a little brains. Hopefully the examples, and more importantly the thinking behind it, will help you apply it elsewhere..Side Ramble Points From Above.[1] A clever play of Disneyland for my mentally handicapped readers [2] Clearly the work of a copywriter or two [3] You may think you’re smarter than this. Firstly you’re not. Secondly it’s not about you, it’s about the way others think dummy! [4] Close rate = percentage of people who you convince to become your paying client – out of those who enquired.If you enjoyed this post then give it an upvote, and for godsake leave a comment. I’ve written this post because I enjoy it and want to share. It takes time, effort and heart to write this thing. The last thing I want is to feel like I’m writing it for nothing. Your comments mean the world to me. The more positive response I receive the more I’ll continue to write and share my experiences.If you enjoyed the post you’ll probably enjoy my site The High Fee Club. The site is dedicated to significantly increasing fees for those of us who are good at what we do.For the record the site isn’t for newbies looking to start but who’ve never got a client – I don’t cater for that. But if you’re actually in business and good at what you do head on over here.Anyway, feel free to ask me any questions you may have around social proof. It’s an area of discussion I love, so fire away and I’ll pick up any questions which sound cool.

#/r/entrepreneur #reddit

[massthetics-blog]

New Post has been published on MASSthetics

New Post has been published on http://massthetics.net/why-youre-small-and-weak/

Why You’re Small And Weak (And What You Can Do To Change That)

Why You’re Small And Weak (And What You Can Do To Change That)

  Bodybuilding (and fitness in general) are often filled with poorly informed absolutes. 

Absolutes that while many subscribe (including yours truly, once upon a time), are keeping you small, weak, and free of gains.

  Absolutes such as:

You MUST eat this magical superfood to burn the fats (el. oh. el).

If you eat carbs after 6pm you’ll get fatter than a panda.

If you’re not eating 1.5g of protein per pound of bodyweight you won’t build muscle an ounce of muscle. Ever.

You MUST train 6 days a week to get jacked, shredded, and tanned.

…The hyperbolic and questionable list goes on.

These absolutes are all bullshit. Furthermore, they’re keeping you small, weak, and possibly even further from your where you want to be than you where when you started.

You’re better than this.

Without beating in, around or near the bush, below are more such absolutes that are keeping you small and weak (plus, what you can do to change that).

High reps are for toning. Low reps are for size and strength.

Tracy Andersen, I tip my hat to you.

Somehow, single-handedly with pretty blond locks and some pink dumbbells, you’ve all but doomed the efforts of countless men and women on a quest to build muscle while simultaneously making the jobs of coaches and trainers infinitely more challenging than it need be. Probably forever.

Nevertheless, it is what it is.

Simply put, all rep ranges factor into muscle building, and all ranges should be a considered in an intelligent program design.

As I’ve touched on in a previous article somewhere, there are 3 mechanisms and pathways that factor into hypertrophy.

1. Intramuscular Tension

Characterized by heavy lows, slow eccentric tempos (lowering the weight), and powerful, explosive concentric movements (contracting against the weight).

2. Hyperaemia & Occlusion

Characterized by lighter loads (think the 8-15 rep range), constant tension tempos (no pausing), and a focus on isolation movements (typically).

3. Muscle Damage

Characterized by “seeing God.” This is where extremely painful work is created via intensifiers (link) with the goal of creating maximum muscle damage.

Intramuscular tension, hyperaemia & occlusion, and muscle damage…they all play into the majestic wonder that is muscle growth.

Ergo, the Tracy Andersen method of using high reps to tone, and low reps to build more muscle than you thought possible, can be killed.

Violently.

With fire.

In a back alley.

By a royally pissed off Samuel L. Jackson.

Carbs will make you fat.

NO. No. No, no, no.

Instead, here’s an exhaustive list of things that will make you fat.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

A caloric surplus.

Too much of Grandma’s Apple Pie (#sadalex).

…and the list goes on, ad infinitum.

And this fattening caloric surplus?

It can come from an excess of protein, fats, or carbohydrates.

None such macronutrient is a mystical vortex of fat gain.

Certainly not rice. Rice can do no harm in my books.

It’s just that carbs are often the most delicious (a la most abused) of all macros.

Between everybody on the planet having a soft spot for carbs, and something, something, something “insulin,” (without understanding how insulin actually functions), it’s no wonder that carbs get a bad rap.

Cardio is a muscle wasting antichrist.

Context, my friend.

It takes a metric fuckton of cardio, a minimum of lifting, and an offensively large energy deficit for your body to start annihilating it’s own muscle, fibre by fibre.

Before you raise the point of those pictures of skinny marathons you see used as poster boys for muscle killing cardio, consider what those runners actually do day in and day out.

As above, many of them run more in a week than I intend to in my entire life (For real. I enjoy walks, frisbee, and hockey for my cardio) , don’t make lifting a priority (despite the oodles of health benefits and beneficial carryover to running), and given that they run the circumference of a small island each day, they’re in a much greater deficit than most of us meathead ever will be (save for pre-contest dieting).

ADD BENEFITS

Protein powder is the key to building muscle.

Protein is the key.

Protein powder is not.

Protein powder is but a tool you can use to help ensure you get enough of them there muscle building amino acids into your system each day.

The fact that it’s a manhandled powder simply means it’s rapidly digesting, easily absorbed by your body protein source, and sure to leave you hungry almost instantly.

Simply put, protein powder is a convenient (and effective) tool, but don’t look to it as a crutch to support your protein intake each day.

Because…all whole food protein sources carry more than just protein. They also provide you with EFAs (essential fatty acids), a broad spectrum of amino acids, and micronutrients.

Those, you don’t want to miss out on. And protein powder has no such benefits.

You should only train each muscle once per week.

Let’s pretend you’re terrible at sex, and desperately want need to improve.

Solely for the sake of improving, would you rather have sex once a week or have sex three times per week?

Which do you think will help you improve at a quicker rate?

With greater exposures comes greater proficiency (if you’ve got the ears to see and the eyes to hear).

It’s the same process when it comes to building muscle.

Within 48 hours of training a muscle (say, your legs), muscle protein synthesis (MPS) in your legs returns to baseline. Meaning that if you’re only training legs once per week, that’s 120 hours of muscle protein synthesis that’s rather “meh.”

Now, if like your newfound sex frequency, you’re training legs every 3 days, you’ll be elevating MPS in your legs every 72 hours. In the words of the great Captain Jack Sparrow, that’s “much more better.”

You may have read that training a muscle more than once a week will lead to overtraining, muscle loss, or potentially death.

That said, it’s much more likely that only training a muscle once per week will lead to an average physique, with much to be desired.

Take your pick.

If you don’t eat within the “30 minute post-workout anabolic window, you should kill yourself.

Fortunately, this dastardly myth has been dispelled with #science and studies over the past couple years (I’d link them, but I doubt you’ll read them – I wouldn’t).

Yet still, there are many who subscribe to the 30 minute anabolic window. Blindly racing home as fast as they whilst chugging watery protein shakes and trying to peel bananas at every stoplight.

My friend, there’s a better way.

By better way, I mean have a regular eating schedule, have a baseline protein intake to suit your needs, ensure that you’re eating as much (or as little) as you need to keep moving the needle towards your goal, and don’t wait 4 hours after training to eat something.

30 minutes, 60 minutes, 90 minutes, whatever. For the vast majority of you and in the grand scheme of things, it truly doesn’t matter.

Zigackaly.

So long as you’re nutritionally sound throughout the day, your training session will not be wasted if you fail to eat a plateful of protein and carbs immediately after training.

However if you’re incredibly paranoid about this, drink some BCAA’s or EAA’s while you train, knock back a chunky, watery protein shake on your NASCAR-esque drive home, and make sure you’ve got food prepped and ready to go.

To quote my mentor, friend, and expert-level smuggler, John Romaniello (link), “this shit ain’t checkers, it’s chess.”

(To be honest, I’ve forgotten the context in which he said that, but I know it wasn’t nutrition. Nonetheless, it’s a mantra that applies to many different contexts).

The tl;dr.

If you subscribe to…

High reps are best for toning, while low reps are for size and strength.

Carbs will make you fat.

Cardio is a muscle wasting antichrist out to snatch your soul.

Protein powder is the one and only key to building muscle.

You should only train each muscle once per week (lest you die).

If you don’t eat within the “30 minute post-workout anabolic window…”

Try this instead…

Work through all manner of rep ranges to fully tap into each mechanism and pathway for building muscle.

Don’t eat so much that you’re in a surplus that causes you to gain far more fat than you need.

Mix a little cardio into your training program. There will be some carryover effects, and it’s great for general health. Even a brisk 30 minute walk two or three times per week will do.

Use protein powder if it helps you hit your intake for the day, and/or if you genuinely enjoy it (I fucking hate the stuff), but don’t use it as a crutch).

If you’re not satisfied with your muscle growth (especially in a particular muscle), up your training frequency.

Give a stiff middle finger to the 30 minute anabolic window notion. If you must, sip on BCAA’s or EAA’s while you train, and be sure to consistently eat well throughout the day.

And so it was.

Not only why you may be small and weak, but what you can do to change that unfortunate fact.

  PS. 4 out of 5 lifters will let their rationalization hamster run wild. Building no muscle, burning no fat. The 5th lifter joined the MASSthetics Clan and put the information within the (free) Hypertrophy Handbook to good use. Problem solved. Click here to become the 5th lifter, and let me know where to send the prestigious Hypertrophy Handbook.

#MASSthetics #Nutrition #Training Tips