𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐄 𝐂𝐇.𝟒
Word Count: 27.9k
Warning: lots of angst here and there, smut, fingering, nipple play, oral ( f.receiving), unprotected sex (wrap before you tap), creampie, salirophilia (makeup and hair only), spitting, dacryphilia, sex with exes, mentions physical violence, corruption kink, degradation kink, enemey!Jisung, ex!Hyunjin, has both sub!Jisung and dom!Jisung, switch!Hyunjin, mentions of death, funeral scene, religious themes mentioned, mentions of anxiety, mentions of panic attacks
Synopsis: Everything is falling apart and just when you finally figured out who you really want to be with
A/N: I didn’t proof read this so I apologize in advance. Hope that this chapter doesn’t disappoint and you all enjoy it :)
Eyes On Me Masterlist
𝐖𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐚𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫. 𝐈𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐞 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐟 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠, 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞. 𝐈 𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐈’𝐦 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭? - 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐲 𝐊𝐢𝐝𝐬, 𝐄𝐱
The rather beautiful, sullen face of your ex hardened at your words. “Well, hello to you too.” He said with a huff of air, moving passed you and practically inviting himself into your apartment. Then again you had little strength to stop him. After the long drive back from your parents, on top of your fight with Jisung, you felt drained.
You did have enough energy to glare at him though, walking away from when he attempted to get closer to you. His beautiful, sweet floral aroma shrouded with the smallest hint of alcohol. Hyunjin did drink, but you had never once seen him drunk so at least you knew that he hadn’t come to see you in some weird drunk despair. “What are you even doing here? I’m not in the mood to fight with you.”
“I’d hope not.” He let out a small chuckle, eyes turning to the kitchen, noticing the wine and glass set there. “You have quite the hand on you. My poor face.”
Staring at that beautiful in the low, dim light of your apartment you noticed that the red welt had disappeared. You let out a sigh, a small tinge of guilt forming in your stomach. Despite how horribly cruel Hyunjin had been no one deserved to hit, even your ex. “I am sorry about that by the way.”
He nodded. “Apology accepted. Though, you probably thought I deserved it. I definitely feel like I did.”
“You deserved everything else I said, but I shouldn’t have hit you.” You stated pointedly, reaching for the wine, only to have it taken from you.
Hyunjin always moved gracefully, sweetly, and fast, despite being a clumsy fool. Even now as he took the wine bottle from you, glancing around the kitchen as if remembering the details of being in this kitchen. He plucked himself a glass, pouring the wine. He looked like an ethereal bartender under the dim light of your kitchen. “You’re staring. Am I that beautiful?”
Yes, he was. Though you were never to let your annoying ex ever hear that. “What do you want Hyunjin? I’m not here to play games.”
Before speaking again he refilled your glass, holding it towards you. You refused to take it. He rolled his eyes at you, a classic, disgusted Hyunjin look lining his face. “You act like I poisoned it.”
“You could have.”
His face was completely depanned. “Are you serious right now?” You shrugged at his response. With another roll of his eyes, Hyunjin took his glass, downing it in one go. A satisfied sigh came from his lips. “There you go. See no poison.”
You still frowned despite taking a sip of the wine. When you finished you spoke again. “Seriously, why are you here?”
The remorse on Hyunjin’s face was enough to say it all. His crestfallen expression almost made you feel guilty, key word almost, as his eyes stared back at you. “I wanted to apologize again. I fucked you up just because of my own selfishness.”
“Well, yeah no kidding.” You huffed out, trying to be strong and not him off as easily as before. The last time you had claimed to forgive him you had been drunk and still freshly heartbroken. You were a different woman now...or maybe you weren’t? There was still a confusing mix of emotions still swirling around your head about your ex and his best friends.
For a second you saw an annoyed look cross his face. “I am being serious, (Y/N). I am sorry.” He paused to watch your reaction. You frowned at him, holding your glass to him. Hyunjin sighed, pouring the liquid in the glass once again. “I just want to say, I am truly. I know that’s not enough to repair the damage I caused you, it might never be.” The guilt seemed to sworn Hyunjin’s face as he bitterly took a sip of the wine before you. “You stood by me when I was up. You did everything perfectly. Don’t you ever think that you didn’t. This whole mess is entirely my fault. I fucked up.”
There it was. The apology that you had been so longing to hold against him. You wished to be cruel, you wished that you could hold it over his head and taunt him. Hyunjin didn’t deserve your kindness, he didn’t deserve all the tears you had spent on him. Jisung had been the one person to take care of you during those times and in those times he told you to be honest. You exhaled, finally saying what you should have said at the beginning. “You did fuck up. In fact you fucking broke my heart and I cried about you over months Hyunjin.”
“I know. I was selfish.” His eyes downcasted, as if ashamed of himself.
You exhaled, shaking your head. “If I forgive you, then you have to remember it might take months, years Hyunjin.” He nodded, fully understanding your words. He did in fact break your heart. A question lingered on the tip of your tongue, fear would have overwhelmed you from asking but with alcohol in your system you let the question. “Why did you do it? It couldn’t be just because you love her, right?”
“I couldn’t lie to you. That would have been more cruel. If we continued to date, then I would be lying to you, you would have probably wanted to get married and I don’t think I could go through with it and that would have crushed you.”
You were a little stunned. “ ‘Marriage’? I was never thinking about marriage.”
That made him tilt his head. “You never thought about marrying me?”
Your memories flooded through your mind. Had you and Hyunjin ever once talked about getting married to each other? In the span of 4 years that two of you had actually never truly thought about it. Hyunjin had been the only one of the two of you to actually bring it up and you had casually thought it was simply a joke or just brought up for the simple fact you had been dating so long. You straightened. “No, actually.”
“Really?” Hyunjin was almost as surprised as you were. “This coming from the girl that claimed she loved me so much.”
You exhaled. “So you thought of marrying me then?” You questioned with some venom.
Hyunjin flushed a bright shade of pink, tint his cheeks as he bit his lip. “I did.” He confessed, finishing off his third class of wine before stepping a little closer to you. “How life would be like if we were actually both truly in love with each other.”
His response made you arch a brow. “Are you saying we both weren’t truly in love with each other?”
An almost bitter laugh escaped him. “Well, yeah. I see the way you’re with Jisung, it’s quite obvious who you are in love with and we are already know I am in love with so-”
“I am not in love with Jisung.” You interjected, giving him a pointed glare. That was the truth though, you weren’t sure if you were exactly in love with Jisung or even if you had feelings for him. Though your body was telling you that might be a lie. Might.
His face scrunched. “Then what was the argument at the club then? Are you guys just fucking like I thought?”
The irritation and anger that had felt towards your ex had suddenly returned. So, that was his true motive for coming here in the first place. It was to prove his theory right that you were indeed fucking his best friend. “Fuck you Hyunjin.” You huffed. True to your nature, you rolled your eyes, picking up the wine glass and ran away to your room. You heard him call out your name, clearly annoyed with your avoidance. You didn’t listen though, slamming your bedroom door in his face, only for it to be pushed wide open, Hyunjin closing it gently behind him. “What Hyunjin?” You growled, settling on top of your bed, clearly tired and irritated.
“Oh, come on (Y/N). You could at least be a little honest with me.” Your ex huffed.
Your lips thinned. How could you be honest with him if you honestly didn’t know how you felt like you had feelings for Jisung or that you still had lingering thoughts of Hyunjin. “I don’t know.” You told him with full truth. “I mean yes we have been sleeping together but…” Your words trailed, completely lost for words, your brain wracking to find any way to explain how you were feeling.
Unlike Jisung, it seemed that Hyunjin was understanding your emotional turmoil. He seemed to know why you were struggling to form your feelings into words. That was definitely something that you liked about your ex. He understood emotions, maybe that’s why he was so dramatic. “Why don’t you sleep with me?”
“Excuse me?!” You hissed out. “Are you fucking insane?”
He shrugged as if it was the most casual thing to ask you. Actually, in most cases, most exes would be excited to spend another night together. That was not the case for you though. “Well, don’t you want to figure your feelings out?”
You let out a grumble, running your hands through your hair. “I don’t- Yes I do, but I can’t just sleep with you. If Jisung were to find out he’d be heartbroken.”
Hyunjin shook his head. “He’s mad at you right?” You nodded. “You know Han, it will take him at least three days to get over it and by that time any proof of us being together would be gone.”
“Hyujin I don’t-”
“Think about it sweetheart. If we do it and you hate it then you already know who you have feelings for. Besides, if you tell me to stop, at any point in time I’ll stop.” He promised, raising his hands up in innocence.
You glared at him, eyes narrowing to see if his words held any lies. Maybe you really were drunk because the thought of sleeping with your ex to give you some clarity was starting to sound tempting. This was regardless of the fact that you were still feeling immense irritation towards the man before you now. “Hyunjin if you are lying to me just to get into my pants I swear.”
“I’m not lying.” He promised, eyes locking with yours with firmness. He watched you debate for a while, allowing the silence to overtake the both of you, the sounds of the night being the only thing between the two of you. After what had seemed like forever, you relaxed.
Grinning, as you set the wine glass down, your ex advanced closer to you, clearly finished mulling over the suggestion. Your head was still tilted away from him. Your eyes narrowed at him as he situated himself on your bed finally. This might be the only way to finally figure out your feelings so that you could sort out the whirlwind of confusion that you felt, however, you would hate to give Hyunjin any satisfaction of knowing that he was right about this situation. “You understand what happens if we do this right? You can’t ever be jealous if I pick Jisung over you.”
“Of course.” Hyunjin murmured, hands gripping the pillows that rest on either side of you. “But for right now it’s just you and me, you don’t have to worry about Hannie.” As he said those words he was barely ghosting over yours, eyes fluttering shut as he inched forward to close the distance between the two of you.
Instead of meeting your lips though, Hyunjin felt a small sting against his scalp. Your hand found its way into his locks and you were tugging at his hair. Usually, you pulling at his hair would have been a welcome feeling, he always used to love it, knowing when you tugged at his hair it was a sign of pleasure, not this though. This hold on his locks was a threat. Your grip was sharpening than he had expected, the point of your nails threatening to dig into his scalp warning him if even moved that you would pull harder. “I am being serious, Jinnie.” You donned a venomous look, eyes hardened, hand never faltering as you continued to grip the soft tendrils of his hair.
“Careful there, sweetheart.” He gulped, realizing the threat. You pulled again, earning a groan from him. You were definitely in control, especially with the way that your ex was whimpering. He definitely was a sucker for having his hair pulled. “You could really hurt me if you keep pulling like that.”
That seemed to snap you of the hatred driven thoughts that had flooded your mind when he mentioned you hurting and he was actually hissing slightly. You exhaled, giving his hair on the last tug to get the message across. “I could.” You said, finally releasing him, his face now resting against your exposed thighs. His hot breath had fanned against your skin, causing them to squeeze together out of habit.
Even though you had prayed Hyunjin wouldn’t notice this, he was already a naturally observant person, but after dating you for so long he knew your habits, even though it had taken him quite some time. Unlike Jisung, who was a quick study and immediately figured you out. You knew that you shouldn’t compare the two of them, however that was the whole reason you had even let Hyunjin into your bedroom in the first place. To compare them. To figure out if your heart still longed for your ex or if you really had feelings for Jisung and see yourself actually being with him, fully.
Your thoughts broke seeing your ex’s grin growing as he steadied himself by his elbows and without warning he pressed his lips to your thigh, searing, fiery like kisses trailing to up towards your core. You let out a sigh at first, before yelping as his beautiful plump, pinky lips sucked a harsh purple mark into the sensitive flesh. As your eyes snapped at him, you met with the piercing gaze of his, one that, still to this day, sent shivers down your spine. However, no matter how affected you were by such a beautiful gaze, you still held your ground. You still tugged at his hair, nails digging in his scalp once again.
This time he didn’t take the tug as a threat though, instead his body completely relaxed. He definitely realized that your actions were a positive response. It gave him confidence. And with that confidence, the action of his hands had become instinctual, brushing them up the outside of your leg. Rough palms graze the expanse of your skin, inching higher and higher as Hyunjin acquainted himself with the softness of your skin. Always slow and sensual, being the romantic he was, he found the waistband of your shorts, hastily removing them, surprised that you would even allow this.
He inched himself forward, bringing his face closer to the alluring area of your core. He stopped himself from completely tearing them off though, only groaning as he pulled back. Angel-like eyes fitted up at you. “Do you want me to taste you?” You were glaring at him hard, as if debating whether or not you should have. “Please? I just want to help you and then you never see me again if you really have feelings for Jisung.” Maybe it was the wine, or the desire to be rid of him but you finally released his hair. You pulled away, leaving him the free room to nudge his face between your thighs. It had been a while since the two of you had sex, it was almost like a faded memory, and you knew if the two of you were together Hyunjin would have savoured this moment. It would have taken his sweet time reveling in the feeling of your skin, kissing you as if you had never been kissed before, but this time was different. Everything about the interaction between the two of you was sinful. Both of your hearts seeming to belong to two other people. At least this interaction would allow you some closure compared to the last time a few months ago.
As if no time had passed though, Hyunjin was already wasting no time looping his fingers into the bands of your underwear. He observed the string of your wetness, making your panties stick to you. He groaned at the sight before yanking them off so absentmindedly as they disappeared in a forgotten corner of your room. Parting your legs wider, Hyunjin moved forward, tilting his head up until his lips were directly under your already soaked folds. His ears perked up at the sound of your sharp breath as you waited for him, anticipation swirling in your eyes. A smug smile lined his lips, seeing you on the waiting end, just as he always had you during those 4 years of your time together. It seemed to satisfy him. You internally rolled your eyes. Him and best friend were two cocky little shits in the same pod.
You would have said it out loud had you cried out from the feel of Hyunjin’s tongue swiping along your inner folds. A long languid flex of his tongue all the way from your leaking slit upward to your throbbing bundle of nerves just above your entrance. Your mouth fell open into a moan, practically gratifying your ex who had now taken control by trailing the slick muscle across every inch of your, needy cunt. One of your hands had threaded through the long locks of his hair, tugging once again, but this time out of the pleasure of having him between your legs. The feeling set a dull fire in your veins.There was no doubt that Hyunjin was good with his mouth, those pretty lips weren’t just good for making sassy remarks at you or kissing, they had always been best between your legs. . As much as you wanted to admit that Jisung was better, it seemed that Hyunjin was definitely taking first place for putting his lips to good use. As were you, mouth falling opening to moan again. “Fuck, so good.” You said, almost arching into his touch.
As if reading your thoughts, he pulled away from you briefly, smirking to himself hearing you whine from the loss of contact. He chuckled against your skin, glistening lips meeting your thighs again and marking you for the second time of the night. That definitely grabbed your attention as the both of you locked eyes. “Hold tight okay sweetheart?”
You knew that he hadn’t even gotten to the best part yet. Your ex had been one of your best lovers, and he definitely knew that. You were about to ask what he meant only to have your words completely fall flat into a sharp whimper. That made Hyunjin snicker before rolling his tongue against the sensitive nub of your clit. Your back arched against his mouth, your pelvic bone going up to meet his nose, your body was squirming for the sensation. A sudden clatter caught both of you off guard although it never interrupted his rhythm, as he continued to taste you like a man who had been starved. From his peripheral view he caught the sight of his empty wine glass, something that you must have pushed off.
Noticing his diverted attention you tugged roughly on his scalp, pulling a groan from him, the vibrations going straight to your core. He sent a small glare your way before returning his attention back on you, refocusing his efforts on bringing you closer and closer to your climax. His large psalm was sprayed against the outside of your noew quivering thighs, fingers indenting in your flesh as he pressed you up against the headboard.
“Wait, Jinnie, please fuck- wait.” You requested breathlessly.
Hyunjin brace himself just in time as your legs gave way, bringing your weak form down entirely on his broad shoulders. Hearing you whimper at the lack of support sent a shot of arousal through him. You had always been so beautiful when you were whimpering for him, begging him to wait. He let out a small hush to calm you, toned arms snaking underneath the back of your thighs to settle you on top of him. With a reassuring smile, his eyes found yours, so soft and pretty. Just as Hyunjin was. “Easy, sweetheart. I gotchu, don’t worry.”
You couldn’t find your voice, only stuttering out whatever reply you could manage as he straightened himself, almost getting up completely, all the while you were perched on his shoulders and forearms. He moved the two of you slightly downward, keeping your head away from the headboard. Pressing his hands against the back of your knees, he pushed them up until your thighs were pressed as close as possibly to your chest. It was uncomfortable for you, having your body practically folded in half, your neck awkwardly angel so that your head rested against your pillows. Regardless of that though, you tucked your arms under the back of your knees to hold your legs in place, teary-eyed and eager as you wait for your ex to continue his assault on your pussy.
This was a shift of power. It was perfectly evident by now with how sweetly you were whining, and practically pleading in sinful whimpers, for Hyunjin when he moved his face back to your warm, soaking core. His tongue lapped in heavy strokes. He had taken full advantage of the skill that had with the slick muscles, making sure with each stroke the tip of his tongue caught beneath your sensitive bundle of nerves. It certainly became crystal clear when you hit your climax. Your moans had become a shrill string of profanities that gradually became whiny pleas. “Ji-” Hyunjin had expected you to say “Jinnie” but then you finished, realizing that you had something else, he raised a brow. He hadn’t expected hearing- “Jisung.” You called out again, eyes rolling back and head lolling back. You must have been too caught in pleasure to realize that you were saying the name of his best friend.
He couldn’t help but chuckle at this, his lips still glued to your overstimulated clit, upon hearing you continuing to cry out for Jisung. At least you had figured out your feelings, that was what made Hyunjin smile. It had became apparent to him long ago that you truly did belong to Jisung, after all this had all started because of his best friend. His gaze found you again, watching the tears stream down your cheeks as you squirmed in his hold. Your descent into a beautiful, frenzied high, so much so that you had called the wrong man’s name.
You felt your body go limp, as if you had been boneless in his arms. It was not over though. He eased you back upright, looping your arms around his neck in a weak hold as you pressed yourself against his toned, lithe chest for support. You were so weak now, so weak and compliant, it wouldn’t take long for Hyunjin to rile you up, taunt you and tease you but that was not him. He in fact was not Jisung. Seeing you vulnerable was something that made his heart melt, and even though Jisung did like seeing you vulnerable, soft for him even, especially at your parents but when you hated each other it gave him immense pleasure. Hyunjin was different though.
Instead, Hyunjin gathered you in his arms, a familiar tenderness flowing through him. Cupping your cheek totally your face towards him. His lips brushed softly, delicately, almost like butterfly wings, against yours. It was a long, passionate kiss. One that made you completely take in Hyunjin. His bated breaths, the warmth of his skin, the taste of the wine that the two of you had shared and even his beautifully sweet floral scent. It lingered all around you, but your heart no longer ached. “I missed you angel. I’m gonna take care of you okay? You can tell me to stop anytime.” He told you, lightly brushing his thumb across your trembling lower.
“Okay.” You breathed as Hyunjin enveloped you once again. Your hands that were previously lopped tight around his neck, now dug painfully hard into the white shirt that adorned his back. You tugged on it, just as you did his hair. He pulled away from you, almost hastily removing the fabric over his head. Hyunjin glanced down at you, your eyes blown wide with every emotion but a single one. Love. There is no more love there. The once face you gave him with soft adoration was completely washed over with lust and a slight hint of irritation. The intimacy you both once shared was practically non-existent. That doesn’t stop either of you though, both the two of you stripping down and now completely naked. Both of you choose to remain silent as if your minds were speaking to each other instead, only letting the sounds of pleasure fall from your lips.
As Hyunjing gripped your hips with a bruising golf, he drove forward into your pussy, bottoming out in one hard thrust. His fingers spread into a V like shape, the fluid of strings of your arousal glistening in the moonlight as he gave you time to adjust to him. A flow of hisses and moans filled the room as you clenched around him. He snaked his hand down your stomach finding your clit and toying with it once again. The slickness already smeared his fingers as they worked slow figure 8’s in tandem with hips as they began to move. Using his free hand, turned your head upward, lips pressing hard against your neck, nipping at the skin to mark you once, twice, three times. He knew that this would be the last time he would ever see like this. Hyunjin, despite loving another woman, loved you as well. He knew you were beautiful inside and out, especially like this. Your eyes screw shut, mouth falling into a moan from ecstasy as you reached your second high of the night. You were beautiful, especially now that you were longer trapped by his ghost. You were no longer his and that made you both happy.
𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲. 𝐑𝐞𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐨 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲. 𝐌𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐝. 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝. 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤. - 𝐇𝐚𝐧 𝐉𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠, 𝐇𝐚𝐏𝐩𝐲
In the soft hues white-gold light of your room both you and Hyunjin had laid together. Your backs to each other as the warm sunlight heated your skin, almost uncomfortably. You wanted to be annoyed with the situation because part of you almost feels thankful that Hyunjin came. Without his visit you wouldn’t have realized, after the two of you had cleaned up and decided to sleep, you realized that you loved Hyunjin. Past tense. You would always love Hyunjin, after all that the two of you had been through but your heart belonged to a squirrel like, chubby cheeked, rapper, who was also goof that you had turned away because of confusion. Your heart already ached for him.
A warm hand found your shoulder, gently rubbing soothing circles against your skin. You turned over to face your ex. There was no longer contempt there, no longer feeling the longing for him. You should have realized this sooner, instead of playing a guessing game that had left the boy that you truly cared for to turn away from you. You let out a sigh, you would have to talk with him. “Good morning.”
“ ‘Morning.” Your ex mumbled out, never quite enjoying waking up in the morning. In fact, you were surprised that he was even up considering he was quite hard to wake up. However, as his eyes opened you saw it. Guilt. You both knew that you both enjoyed decorating your body with a litter of bruises but that was when the two of you had been together. The marks that covered your body now, the ache along your throat and between your thighs, that caused the guilt to shoot down Hyunjin’s conscious. “I’m sorry about what happened.”
You shook your head, adjusting so that you could rest your head on your arms. “About the marks or us having sex?”
He let out a sleepily chuckle. “Both.”
You huffed out a laugh as well. Once the small titters of laughter died down, you glanced up at your ex. Finally, feeling as though the two of them had closure. “I don’t love you anymore.” You suddenly said, feeling as though the two of you had come full circle. The last time the two of you had been intimate, he had admitted to loving another woman. Now, you were admitting almost the same about his best friend.
“Oh, I know.” Your ex said with a smile.
That had been an unexpected, your face contorting in confusion as you looked at him. “You knew? And you still had sex with me?” Your voice had suddenly become angry, brown knitting together. You couldn’t believe your ex had the audacity to do that.
Hyunjin shook his head. “No, jeez, you must really think that low of me, huh? You screamed his name every time you came instead of mine.”
The response made your face flush. Had you really been so lost in pleasure that you hadn’t realized that you had called out Jisung’s name? “Oh.” Was all that you said.
“ ‘Oh’.” Hyunjin teased, repeating your dumbfounded response.
“I’m sorry.” You apologized, face still burning at the thought of you screaming out for Jisung. Then your brows knitted again before raising at him. “I called someone’s name and you still continued? Don’t you think that’s a little weird?”
He simply shrugged. “I said I would help you figure it out so here we are.” As his word left him, his body shifted so that the hand he had been resting on could reach for. Hyunjin’s soft, gentle fingers brushed your hair back. The smile that he offered you made you smile in return. Hyunjin would always be a part of your life, whether it be in your heart or because he was prancing around with your friends, Hyunjin would be there. However, he wouldn’t have a hold on you anymore, nor you him. “I think I should head out.” Your ex suddenly said.
“Let me walk you out.”
He raised a brow at you this time. “Are you sure, what about Felix and Chan-”
“I will explain it to them.”
The two of you changed, Hyunjin gathered his clothes and he noticed something. He pointed to the green hoodie that clearly belonged to his best friend and he questioned you about it. Your face flushed, telling him of the endeavour you had the day the two of you fought. That made your ex laugh and in turn so did you. The tension that the two of you both had finally washed away, the air becoming light. It was a nice feeling to know that in time that you and your ex could possibly be friends. Actual friends this time. You quickly threw on a tank top and a fresh pair of shorts, holding the door for Hyunjin. He mock bowed, thanking you with another small titter of laughter escaping him. As if predicting that both your roommates were awake, their tired eyes had already set coffee and ibuprofen for each other to wash away the hangover they had gained from festivities of Jisung and Felix’s shared birthday celebration. Both of them were staring, wide eyed, at the two of you, seeing the marks that had been etched into your skin and blinking rapidly. You quickly explained what was going on, and that this was more a closure situation and that would explain the rest when you got back. Your roommates gave you another glance. You shook your head, telling them that you no longer had feelings for Hyunjin. Felix, being your long time best friend and the only one to know your secret, seemed to almost smile when you said that. Chan also seemed quite relieved to see you saying that, even though he had protested somewhat. Finally, after convincing your best friends that you no longer had feelings for your ex the two of you got out of your apartment.
Standing there you smiled at him, gently, still feeling slightly at ease, holding your hand out to him. “Thank you for last night.”
With a teasing smile, he shook your hand and nodded. “Of course, what are amazing ex’s like me for?”
You let out a huff of air. “You’re unbelievable.”
“Unbelievably amazing you mean.” Hyunjin said, a shit eating grin plastered all over his face.
You dropped his hand, swatting it away from you. “You and your best friend are the same I swear.”
Hyunjin offered you a lopsided grin. “I mean, we both had sex with you, so that definitely is something we share in common.”
A scoff came from you as your eyes rolled. “I hate you.”
He feigned being upset. A frown, or rather a pout, formed on his lips. “How cruel of you. To think I thought we were getting along.”
“You wish, Jinnie.” You replied, giggling slightly.
Hyunjin let out a laugh as well, the air around the two of you still filled with lightheartedness. Then the two of you were silent again, both you and your ex standing there staring at each other. As you mouth opened to give him another “thank you” for the second time, Hyunjin leaned in close to you, cupping your face and kissing your cheek. The action made you slightly withdraw from him but you allowed to place the chaste kiss on your now flushed cheeks. He smirked seeing your reaction, his fingers that were on your cheeks now brushing your hair backs. “Sorry about the marks.”
You let out a breathless laugh. “You’re still as cheeky as ever.”
Hyunjin chuckled. “But you don’t love it, at least not anymore.”
One of your hands came to touch his wrist, your thumb against his wrist softly. “I’ll always love you Jinnie, you know that. So, thank you for doing this.”
“What the fuck?” A voice sounded and you heard the small rustle of something falling to the ground.
Part of you prayed that this was a dream, prayed that your ears were hearing an illusion as your eyes turned to meet with the owner of the voice. There Jisung was, a picnic basket, a checkered blanket and at his feet was a fallen bouquet of flowers. Usually when Jisung was mad at you he would take his time and then after come and find you, you hadn’t expected to see him so early after your argument. Now he was staring at you and your ex, in a rather compromising position. This just after you had told him last night that you had no idea how you were feeling towards your ex.
“Hannie I know what this look like-”
“What? That my best friend is fucking the girl that I’ve been hooking up with for months.”
You shook your head. “Ji, just listen. I realized how I feel.” You said, attempting to mend the situation with a smile.
A bitter scowl crossed his lips. “Oh, yeah I realize that. What were you two gonna do, keep fucking and just not tell? Huh? Was this how it was all along? I bet you two were making fun of me.”
Hyunjin was the first to move, stepping away from you and reaching for his best friend. “Han, don’t. You’re not listening.”
“Don’t touch me.” He snapped, causing the basket in his hand to falter slightly.
Hyunjin reached for him, again and again he was pushed back. “Han, if you don’t calm down you’ll-”
“I’ll what huh?! Have a panic attack?! Cry in a corner?! Shut the fuck up Hyunjin.” Jisung snapped. You had never seen anger explode through him like this before. It was like a storm. Tumultuous waves, deafening thunderclaps, all consuming the once goofy boy you had grown to know. This boy, the one before you that was face to face with his best friend was completely foregin to you.
Hyunjin glared down at him. “She doesn’t have feelings for me. She has feelings for you.” He told his best friend calmly, trying to halt his anger.
A sign of his anger was his tongue poking from his cheek. “Now you care about how she feels?”
“Hannie, I care about both of you.”
An almost hysteric laugh escaped him, completely dropping whatever was in his hands as he pretended to double over in laughter, the sound soon turning into a sob. When he finally finished laughing, he stared back at the both of you. “Do you? You never once cared about me or her. If you did you would have broken up with her before you could even had dated her.”
“Jisung…” You felt pity for him. Seeing him like this, tears welling up in his eyes and trying to force a smile on his face while the anger was still bubbling at the surface.
He let out a sniff. “You don’t know, do you? Hyunjin never told you.” When your eyes turned to Hyunjin but he had the same look of confusion written on his face. Another sarcastic chuckle came from Jisung. “All this was because of me.”
Your brows knitted together. “Excuse me?”
“I started this.” He informed you. “I was the one who met you first. I was the one that had feelings for you first. Me! Not Hyunjin and of course he had to take you away from me…” He words died, tilting his head to the sky to stop whatever tears were trying to prick through his eyes. “That’s all he does, take take take. You really can’t be satisfied can you?”
Again Hyunjin attempted to reach out for him. “Hannie-”
“No!” He shouted. “No, you don’t get to feel bad for me. You know why because she-” He pointed towards you, pausing to wet his lips. “-she didn’t tell you either.”
Your jaw clenched. Oh, fuck no. “Jisung, don’t. You promised.”
“Ha.” He huffed out. “I promised? What about you? You said you were going to start being honest with yourself so why don’t we start being honest now. Either you tell him or I will.” Jisung threatened.
You raised your hand up, showing him that you meant no harm. “Ji. Let’s just settle down. We can talk about this.”
He rolled his eyes at you. “What is there to talk about? You clearly figured out where you want to be.”
Hyunjin shook his head. “Han, you have to listen. If not me, then at least (Y/N). This-” Your ex pointed to himself. “-this is my fault.”
Jisung frowned at his best friend’s attempt to comfort him. “Don’t I know that. It’s just like back in highschool. Youl fucked up. You lost the girl back then now you’re making it everyone else’s problem. You don’t even realize she’s not in love with you.”
“Jisung.” You warned, watching Hyunjin’s face contort in confusion.
He completely ignored your warning, not even wanting to acknowledge you. It was clear that you had hurt him, that was why you didn’t want him to know in the first place. However, as cruel as fate was, it seemed he was destined to figure it out. Maybe you shouldn’t have been adamant about wanting to be honest. “Yeah, the girl you’re so in love with, my best friend. You know the girl that you dumped (Y/N) for? Yeah, she’s fucking Chan. She’s not just with you buddy, she’s fucking your best friend.” That seemed to completely shatter your ex, watching his eyes grow wide with realization. His body had gone tense, hands at his sides turning into white knuckled fists. Jisung didn’t care though, continuing. “Yeah, and (Y/N), she knew about it. Kept it hidden from you in the hopes that maybe when you took her back, she could ruin the image of sweet love for someone else. I guess it worked out.”
You finally let the anger snap in you, eyes blazing. “Jisung, how could you?!”
“How could I?” He scoffed hearing such a pitiful response from. “How could you?! You not only slept with my best friend, but even when you say you’re gonna be honest you still were keeping secrets. You wanted to keep you and Hyunjin sleeping together a secret so I could just parade around with you, right?”
You shook your head, completely distraught of the situation at hand. “No, Jisung, no. That’s not true.”
“Really? Cause it sure feels like it is.” His eyes went to you. Not only were they lined with hurt, but they held utter disgust with you. The boy that you knew that was spending time with you at your parents house now completely changed. His face had gone stone cold as he spat on the ground. He definitely hated you now, more than he had during all your university life. You jumped seeing him shaking his head as a scream from him out in frustration. The sound bounced around you, soon followed by him kicking the picnic basket and flowers, walking back to his car. The sound of tires screeching against the pavement was the last thing you heard before silence settled over you and Hyunjin.
Not much time passed before your ex’s eyes met yours again. “Did you really hide that secret from me just so you could use it against me later?” His voice had gone quiet, but it was enough for you to hear.
“I mean, yes at first. But-”
“How could you?!” Hyunjin's voice suddenly raised, causing you to shrink back from him. “You think I would get back together with you and then you would have used that secret to make me feel worse about myself? Who even are you?”
You shook your head frantically. “No, Jinnie. I thought about it first because you had been so mean and you were hurting me. But see we made up, we talked it out.”
Hyunjin exhaled, exasperation and fury evident on his face. “Would you have told me after all this? Would you have let me know?”
You were at a loss for words. Despite the two of you somewhat making up, would you have been kind enough to let Hyunjin know the truth? If you had then maybe things would be different. “Why would I? So that you could just give up on her and then want me again? How do you think that would have made me feel?”
Hyunjin scoffed at you. “Even when something isn’t about you it’s about you. Han is right, you really are pathetic.”
“Chan told me to keep it a secret.” You protested. This was your best attempt to keep Hyunjin from getting mad at you as well.
It didn’t work though, instead the lines of his frown only grew deeper. “Do you think Chan would really want you to keep this a secret? Does he even know that I love her?” The answer to both these questions you knew was a “no” but still you chose to stay silent. He pulled away from you, sharing the complete disgust that Jisung had written on his face. Hyunjin began to walk away, almost like he was a kicked puppy.
“Where are you going?” You questioned him.
“As far away from you as possible.” He informed, still shaking his head. “By the way, you better tell Chan because I am going to talk with her. It’s the least you could do for him.”
With that both your ex and his best friend had disappeared from you. Their rage, their disappointment, their disdain with you had clung to you. The marks that Hyunjin had placed on you and Jisung’s fading ones suddenly began to sting. You couldn’t take it, you couldn’t bear to stare at the crumpled flowers and the toppled over picnic basket as you raced back into your apartment. And as if fate had cursed you even more, Chan was there in the kitchen alone, while Felix showered. He must have heard the three of you shouting because he instantly went into protective mode, cradling you in his arms and wiping away tears that you hadn’t realized had sprung.
You pushed him off of you though. Guilt surging into your body. This was your fault, everything that you had done put to this point, every little game, every stupid decision had been leading up to this. You wished you would have just stayed in bed during Changbin’s party or maybe not taken Chan’s offer to go to that party during freshman year. Maybe that would have changed your luck. Maybe you would have just been a regular ComSci student and you wouldn’t have been crying like this.
“Hey, I’m here to help.” Chan soothed. “I heard shouting outside and did something happen?”
You shook your head at him though, pushing his hand away. “No, don’t do that. I’m a horrible person. Jisung and Hyunjin already think so.”
Chan frowned. “Is that who was shouting outside? Don’t say that. Tell me what happened.”
You let out a hiss as he attempted to comfort you once again. “Chan, no.” You said firmly. “No.” You repeated, wrapping your arms around yourself. “Chan, I thought you should hear it from me before anything got worse. That girl you're sleeping with is the girl that Hyunjin is in love with.” The words had tumbled out from your mouth. Part of you was proud that you were being honest, but the other part was still holding onto the guilt.
You had never seen so many betrayed faces in one day till you had today. Chan’s face with lined with it, same as Hyunjin and Jisung. He blew out a stream of air and shook his head. “And you didn’t tell me this because?”
Because you knew Chan. Because you knew if he had known that Hyunjin was in love with her, that he would back down. He would have given up on liking her or the thought of a relationship with her and you could see by the way that they looked at each other that he had truly cared for her in some form. You bit on your lip and decided to tell him that. “You would have dumped her the minute you found out about her and Hyunjin. You would have given up on her Chan.” You answered, almost knowingly.
He shook his head. “It was casual, (Y/N).”
“And how would you know that? Did you see the way she looked at your or the way you even look at her?” You told him. “I couldn’t let that secret ruin how happy you were.”
Chan stood over you, almost like a disappointed father. “(Y/N). That’s not for you to decide, especially when it comes between me and my friends. Me and Hyunjin would have talked it out.”
Your brow knitted together. “And you would have let him have her.”
“Why does that matter?” Chan question, a small tinge of anger in his voice. “Is it because you didn’t want Hyunjin to have the chance to be with her? That’s so selfish, I could never do that to him.”
“But Chan, what about you and your feelings?”
Your roommate sighed. “My heart belongs with my friends. If she makes Hyunjin happy then I can’t stop them.”
That made you scoff. You protested with him, almost glaring at the man that you had called your older brother. He was so giving to everyone, and this was not fair. If Chan liked her he should have fought for her, not already giving up. “That’s ridiculous. If you liked her and you cared for her then-”
“That’s not for you to decide (Y/N).” He repeated, this time in a more harsher tone. “You should have told me the minute you found out that me and her were sleeping together.”
“You told me to keep it a secret, Chan.” You defended.
A hand ran through his curly locks. “Keeping my friendship with Hyunjin is more important than getting to fuck someone. You should learn that.” Chan’s voice had gone deep toned, almost as if he was scolding you.
You refused to believe that this was happening right now. That he really was thinking about others before himself. He was still putting Hyunjin before his own feelings. “How can you do that? You like her don’t you?!’ You voice suddenly raised, staring back at him. “Don’t you?! Stop thinking about other people Chan just admit-”
“I’m the one that needs to stop thinking about other people?” He questioned, almost dumbfounded. “You had us basically begging you to come out of your room for months and then you go sleep with your ex and now you’re crying about. How do you think me and Felix feel having to hold your hand through all your emotions just because you won’t admit that you need help.”
You waved a hand at him. “Don’t turn this around on me Chan. We’re talking about you and how you don’t want to even admit that there is a possibility that you want to be with this girl.” You retorted back at him.
Chan frowned at you first before going back to his stoic face.“And if I wanted to and she chose Hyunjin what then?”
You shrugged. “Why don’t you fight for her then? Actually, try to make her fall for you.”
“It’s not for you to decide, (Y/N).”
“It’s not!” He snapped, slamming the water bottle that he had just grabbed on the kitchen counter. Arguing with Chan was never like Jisung or Hyunjin. While those two ran wild with their emotions, Chan could control his. He knew better. Usually, because right now you were beginning to piss him off. So much so that he raised his voice at you. “I can’t make her chose me, even if I wanted her to! Get that through your head.”
“Is everything okay?” Felix questioned. He had been in the shower while the whole ordeal had taken place. His wet bangs covering almost to his eyes as he glanced between the two of you.
A tension had settled in the room, along with deafening silence as both you and Chan waited for the other to make the first move of telling Felix what had just transpired. After what seemed like forever, Chan let out a sigh, shaking his curly head once again and grabbed his keys. “Nothing.” he answered Felix. “
“Chan, wait. Chan, I’m sorry.” You called after him, but he chose not to heed anything of your words. “My emotions… they are just all over the place.” The words never reached him though, the door of your apartment slamming shut before they could.
Felix offered you a quizzical look. “What happened?”
You waved him away. All you wanted to do was sleep now. You were exhausted, you felt sore from your previous endeavours last night, and you also felt the sickness of guilt wash over you. You swore in that moment you would have fainted had you not run into your room and fell on your bed. Maybe this was all one horrible dream and you’d be back in Jisung’s arms, waking from this horrid nightmare.
It was not a horrible dream.You hadn’t talked with them. Chan or Hyunjin, but especially Jisung. Jisung was the one person you had wished had been by your side, just like every other time. How long had it been? A week? Two? Maybe somewhere in the middle. It felt almost empty without him. No whiny voice, chubby cheeked smile and sweet but snarky comebacks. You missed Jisung, not even just for the sex. The weekend back to see your parents had made you feel like you were on cloud nine, but life never seemed to give you happiness so easily. You were cursed, every passing day of this semester that had been filled with a glimpse of happiness had been ripped away from you. Maybe you were really a pathetic, needy fool. You had ruined whatever future relationship that you had with Jisung, ruined the relationship you were finally working on with Hyunjin and now Chan was even looking at you with disdain.
Oh, Chan. The thought of his anger towards you, screaming at you had scared you. You had expected him to ignore you or even scream at you more, but no. He talked to you, but it was much worse than silence. Before figuring out about Hyunjin and the girl that he was hooking up with, Chan had spoken to you like a little sister. His beautiful, lovely sister that he came to take care of. He would drop anything to make you happy, make you smile and feel comforted. Now though, you were like a distant relative that appeared suddenly and that you were intruding on his space. Chan had become so passive aggressive with the way that he spoke with you, you had nearly wished he had gone back to screaming at you. It would have been better than feeling so shunned by him.
Despite all three important boys turning their backs towards you, there was one that had stayed loyal to you despite his relationship with all the others. Felix. Felix, your sweet long time best friend, had tried to visit you as much as possible but with your opposite schedules there was little time to actually sit down and actually speak. That was mostly because you were crying at night though, Chan making sure to stay late at the studio to avoid seeing your tear stained face so that he wouldn’t feel pity for you. Usually, you were alone in your room at night while Felix was at work or in his classes. Except, for today, as you heard the door to your room open you realized that Felix had cancelled his plans with Seungmin to finally get a conversation out with you. That made you feel awful. To think another boy was bending backwards just to make you feel better. It made you feel pathetic, just as Jisung said.
Felix tutted hearing you say that about yourself. “(Y/N), you messed up. It happens, we are all human, after all.”
A sniffle came from where you were. You had curled your knees up towards your chest, as your back rested against the headboard of your bed. “Yes, but ever since this semester I keep fucking up. Maybe I deserve this.” You stared at your sheets, your vision suddenly going blurry with hot tears. No matter how many times you had washed them, the reminder of you breaking Jisung’s heart remained. The guilt was definitely going to the death of you.
“Hey, hey, hey stop.” He cooed, the weight in your bed shifting as he sat next you in. As you leaned against Felix’s body, he immediately wrapped his arms around you. “Everything is gonna be fine.”
“No it’s not. Chan hates me, Hyunjin and Jisung… oh god.” You sobbed once again, burying your head in your hands.
Rubbing your shoulder to soothe you, Felix nodded. “I know I know. You don’t have to worry though, they’ll forgive you.”
A bitter laugh escaped you. “Chan maybe, even Hyunjin, he's a softie but Jisung… Jisung had spent years hating me and he’ll always hate me.”
Felix let out a “ha” and shook his head. “You’re really dumb aren’t you?”
You gawked at your best friend, clearly not pleased with his words.”Thanks Lix, that definitely makes me feel better.” You let out a sniffle, reaching for the tissue box that was sitting at the end of your feet.
Watching you with intent eyebrows, Felix tilted his head, eyebrows knitting together. “You really, actually don’t know do you?”
Despite your sadness you managed to offer him a scowl. “Felix, can you just spit it out?”
“Jisung is going to forgive you. I know he will.” Felix said with a rather knowing smile.
The scowl that you wore remained on your face as you blew your nose into the tissue. Your face was definitely red and blotchy by the amount of crying you had done just today. “And how do you know that?”
Like your scowl, the smile that was on Felix’s face had stayed where it was. “Because he has feelings for you, just like you have for him. Actually, probably more.”
“ ‘More’?” You repeated, almost hopefully. You shook your head. “How do you know this?”
Felix sighed recalling the memory.
It was the weekend of his and Jisung’s birthday and you were about to go to your parents. He remembered the anger that he felt towards you. It was like he had swallowed a fire-seed, one that blazed and burned like the sun. Felix rarely ever got angry, especially with you. He loved you. He knew that you would never lie to him, you never ever lied to each other. It was somewhat of a promise that the two of you made when you had been younger. Felix would never lie to you, nor you with him. Now that promise seemed like nothing as you had entered your shared apartment, hungrily kissing Jisung when you had claimed earlier today that you and Jisung could never be friends. It made his blood boil. Imagine finding your two best friends kissing after your longest, most trustworthy girl best friend had told you that there was nothing going on between the two of you? It made fire simmer through every vein, even more so when you had told him that it had been going on since Changbin’s party and you hadn’t continued to lie to him since. His heart ached. How could you not trust him? His anger didn’t change when Jisung had asked you to leave to your room so that he could speak with Felix in private. Felix was glaring at you as you felt and as soon as the door closed that glare was directed right at his friend. “What do you want to say huh?” Felix questioned, venom oozing off his tone.
Jisung hesitated for a moment, chewing at his lips. Clearly he was debating on whether or not to tell the truth to Felix. As he sighed, he shifted on the couch so that he was facing Felix once again. He shook his head. “A lot has happened since that night.” He stated, legs and hand practically shaking from how nervous he was. Felix instantly felt guilty for his anger, not enough to show it though. “It was an eventful night.”
“Hannie.” He huffed out. “Cut the bullshit. You’re both acting childish right now running around and not telling any of us. You guys go from attacking one another for years to acting like you can actually tolerate each other in a matter of months. What happened?”
“We fucked.” Jisung fucked, eyes averting from Felix’s gaze. Felix was about to spew out that he already knew that but Jisung held up a hand to stop him. “It’s my fault though. It was supposed to be a one time thing and then I chased after her. Then we both argued at the party that I suggested we had here, she said something that really pissed me off. Next thing I know, we’re fucking… we kept fucking. I thought it was just gonna be casual but then Hyunjin made her cry so many times-”
“Wait, she’s still upset about Hyunjin?” Felix’s eyes widened. At that time he had heard about the ice parlour situation but he simply assumed it was because of the overwhelming week that you had not because of Hyunjin. He knew you were one to hide your feelings but the thought that you kept it to yourself rather than telling him, that made part of his anger dissolve. “Why didn’t she tell me? Tell us?” Although Felix knew the answer already. Even when you were younger you had thought sharing your emotions, especially the bad ones, was unfair. It was unfair because you thought that you shouldn’t burden anyone with your problems. Felix thought he had broken that barrier with you after all the years of knowing each other. Apparently, not though. He remembered all the questions that he was going to ask you about your honesty during that time. In the present, he was glad that you had actually been honest and that you had answered him properly. Hopefully, it would remain that way from now on,
Jisung relaxed, now seeing him more concerned for you rather than furious. Could anyone blame Felix though? He cared for you with all his heart, even if you had lied to him, he still cared for you more deeply then some in the moment of rage. “She thought she was being selfish. She went to me because I was always there. I made myself available to her.” Jisung had went into the details of your endeavours, how it had started and how both of you had silently agreed to fuck your frustrations out of each other, till you weren’t. Till the two of, despite you refusing to believe so at that time, started to have an emotional connection.
“Okay.” Felix nodded. “I am happy you both are getting along. It sucked that the two of you were always at each other’s throats. That explains why the two of you have been trying to kill each other as much and she’s been in a better mood.”
“Yup.” Jisung said, popping the “p” as he relaxed back onto the couch.
Felix was happy to hear that you were not only getting laid but that you and Jisung were finally making peace with each other. That would definitely make group gatherings much easier, maybe even with Hyunjin there. However, hopeful as Felix was about the two of you, he was still curious about one thing. “Why do you make yourself available to her? Is this really just about sex? You seemed quite close earlier today.”
At this, Jisung hesitated. He didn’t know whether to tell Felix the truth or deny the fact that he had, indeed, been close to you today. However, Felix had demanded the truth, the full honest truth. He could see Jisung weigh out his options and as the minutes passed by Jisung realized that he was going to have to come clean some day. It had been 4 years and there were only two people that knew he was holding his own secret. One that he had refused to tell you till the time was. It was almost shameful and childish he had kept this to himself. So, with a sigh, he decided to tell Felix. “I...uh… have feelings for (Y/N).”
“You what?” Felix questioned, eyes widening once again. “Dude...what the fuck?”
“I know.” Jisung whined as he dropped his head into his hands. “I know. I’ve been such a dick to her for so long because I was just jealous of her relationship with Hyunjin. It was shitty of me, I know. I haven’t been able to tell and every time I think about it I just know that (Y/N) is just gonna laugh at me. Even when I hint at, she just laughs as if I’m goofing around with her.”
Felix sighed. So, it seemed that his best friends were all hiding secrets from him. Patting the back of his slumped over friend, Felix reassured him. “Dude, relax. How long have you liked her?”
Another pathetic sound came from him. “Fuck...since I first saw. It was like when we watched that movie ‘Closer’ and I just I don’t know… I fell for her and then all that shit happened at the party and then me and Hyunjin got into that fight about their first date.”
Felix remembered his confusion. He had remembered you skipping off to your first date with Hyunjin in that beautiful pink dress, but he didn’t remember that there had been a fight between both Han and Hyunjin. “You fought about him going on a first date with (Y/N)?”
He exhaled. “Well I talked to him and argued about it and then when he said he was going on a second date with her I just didn’t talk to him for a week.”
“Jeez.” Felix said, blowing a puff of air out from his lips. “So, now how do you feel?”
“I definitely have feelings for her. Deep feelings, dude when I first saw her I wrote a song about her, isn’t that sad?” Jisung ran a frustrated hand through his hair. That information about his song had surprised Felix. Usually, Han was opening about all the songs he wrote but he never knew that there was a song about you. Maybe he would pester him about it after this but for now Felix continued to listen to his distressed friend. “I don’t want to push it, you know? I don’t want to fuck up what we have. It’s nice.”
Felix shook his head. Though he was frowning outwardly at his friend, he couldn’t help but feel his heart warm at his confession for you. He never really said anything but he had always felt like the two of you were better suited for each other. Not that there was anything wrong with Hyunjin, but as your best friend and Hyunjin’s Felix could see where there were elements missing. “You need to talk to her.” Felix said firmly. “You need to tell her how you feel and see where she’s at. You need to do it soon before she thinks that continuing to cry over Hyunjin is the only solution.”
Jisung shook his head, grumbling again. “How do you know that’s going to help? What if I confuse her more?”
Felix rolled his eyes at him. Could he really not see how desperately you had been holding onto his lips and acting like a giddy school girl in love. Even though you hadn’t confessed that you had explicitly liked Jisung, Felix knew the tell-tale signs of you having a crush. He was your best after all. “You might but isn’t that a good thing? If she’s confused about her feelings towards you that means there is a chance that she likes you. Listen, I am either trying to get you with one of my closest friends and save you both from heartbreak, especially you. Aren’t you dying to know if she feels the same way?”
“Yes. Fuck, yes.” He confessed, practically throwing his head back. “I hate not knowing.”
Patting his shoulder, Felix nodded, anger completely dissolved as his face scrunched up in a . “Don’t worry. Now you have me to help.”
“So he has feelings for me?” You reaffirmed, trying to fathom all the information that was being presented by you. There was the answer that you had longed for. Actually, you had found the answer when Jisung had found out about you and Hyunjin early that Sunday morning. But when it was presented to you in words, in a conversation, in a memory that had happened so long ago. Maybe that was why Jisung had been so persistent to get an answer out of you that was better than “I don’t know”.
Felix nodded. “Yes.”
You shook your head. “How does having feelings for me mean that he is going to forgive me? I literally tore his heart out Lix.”
Felix just chuckled at you. The deep sound usually comforting you but right now it felt like he was making fun of you. Lightly, you shoved him off you. “You’re making fun of me right now.”
“I’m not. You’re just dumb sometimes.” Felix stated as you nudged him again. “Hey! You are dumb, you can’t even tell how much Jisung cares about you till it was tool late.”
Felix’s honesty stung you a little. Now, you definitely felt like a fool hearing that now, more so than you had before. “You’re not answering my question.”
“I just did.” Your best friend protested. “Jisung cares about you and when you care about someone so much, your heart will still forgive them after that.”
You scowled at your rather optimistic best friend. Of course his little romantic heart would think that Jisung having feelings for you would prevail over all else. You, on the other hand, were more realistic. “Even if that was true, which it is not, there is still Chan and Hyunjin.”
“What about me?” Your roommate's head had poked through the door to your room. You were surprised that he was even stepping food near you or your room, considering the deafening way he gave you the cold shoulder. His eyes glanced between the two of you, stopping at your blotchy, tear stained face. “Are you okay?” His voice was full of concern, however he didn’t hug or comfort you like he used. That was something you were definitely missing.
Felix watched the small interaction between you and Chan. He had lived through seeing you attempt to make amends with Chan, only to be struck with small passive aggressive comments, so Felix had taken it upon himself to speak with Chan. It didn’t take long for his best friend to crack, and basically bombard Felix with questions about how you were. So, here he was now, like a concerned older brother in your room. “The usual.” Felix stated. “When did you get home? I thought you were gonna work all day.”
“I was.” The weight of your bed shifted again. “But Hyunjin texted me and we talked.” Chan’s muscular shoulder just bumping into yours and your eyes turned to him. A thumb came to brush away the stray tears. The response you had to such a gesture caught him by surprise. You practically threw your arms over him, causing him to let out an “oof” sound as you apologized profusely. A hand came to rub against your back, calming you as Chan spoke again. “It’s okay. I promise once everything is settled we will talk.”
You blinked, withdrew from him, surprised. “Really?”
He nodded. “Yes, really.”
You were about to smother him with a hug again but his hand came up to stop you. “Hold on, I’m not letting you off that ease.” His tone had gone fatherly and you immediately paused, not wanting to upset him. He waited for you to have your full attention on him before continuing. “I want you to talk with Hyunjin. And before you say anything, he wants to talk with you too. So, whenever you’re ready.” Chan held out your phone to you. You gulped. Would you really be ready to face your ex?
𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐨. '𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐡, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞. 𝐎𝐡, 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐞. 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝, 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞. 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝. 𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐥, 𝐈 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞 - 𝐎𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐚 𝐑𝐨𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐨
With both motivating words from Felix, and the promise that Chan would talk with you later, you texted Hyunjin. It was only late into the night, around 3AM where he told you that you could come over and see him. Normally, hours like this you had spent horizontal and not with your ex, but you made an effort to get up again. That was all despite working at 7AM. You would have complained that going to his shared apartment with Minho and Seungmin at such a late, or maybe it was early, hour would messed with your sleep but that would be a lie. You hadn’t slept. The text you sent him had been around dinner time and he had only read and responded to it now. The waiting game had made your nervousness spike, you pacing back and forth and Felix had to distract you as long as possible till it was finally time for you to go to bed. Which had consisted of you simply lying there, tossing and turning and waiting for your ex. Now, at 3AM you were walking up to his apartment, the whole building making a wave of nostalgia wash over you. Once you arrived at the door, you pulled out your phone to text him that you were here but before you could even press send the door had opened. It seemed that you weren't the only one playing the waiting game as well.
There standing in a doorway, with Kkami in his arms, was your ex. That sullen, fallen angel look that he wore when he had gone to see you, had worsened. All his beautiful features had become drained, dulled, like he had been crying as much as you had. Part of you thought it was karma for what he had done, but then again you were getting your karma as well. Maybe you both were horrible people and this was fate’s way of getting back at you.
“Hi.” Hyunjin said with a weak smile, moving aside so that you could enter. To the side of the door you saw the tree condo, Soonie, Doongie and Dori eyes turning to you. Dori let out a sound but other than that the cats went back to laxly resting. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”
You shook your head, almost shyly. “No, I couldn’t sleep.” You confessed, point towards the couch. “Mind if I sit?”
He nodded. “Of course, please sit.” As you both settled down, Hyunjin shooing Kkami out of his arms only for him to bounce towards you barking slightly. Hyunjin mocked his barks slightly, the dog turning towards his owner and growling. He shrunk back, fearing that the dog would attack him but he simply turned towards you again, tongue brushing against your palm.
You smiled at the cute little dog. It had been so long since you had seen the dog and part of you had missed seeing him. “Hey, there cutie, how are you?” You cooed at him, the dog once again barking slightly.
Hyunjin let out a small breathless laugh. “He’s missed you. I think it’s because you spoiled him.”
“More than you? I think that’s hardly possible.” You told, still eyeing the small dog, scratching him behind the ears. “Right baby? Does Hyunjin spoil you too much?” There was a small yip in response and for the first time in a while you smiled. Actually, smiled. “Where are Minho and Seungmin?”
“Minho is on a date, obviously and Seungmin is with Changbin, Jeogin and…” His voice trailed, eyeing you to see if the name would be okay to say or not.
You bit your lip, understanding who the last person was. “Ah, Jisung yeah…” After those words left your mouth the two of you went silent. The late night, or early, morning sounds filling the apartment. Both of you fidgeted, as if waiting for the other to speak, to say something about what had happened. You took in a breath. What could you say? What could mend everything the two of you had been through?
“Hyunjin.” “(Y/N).” The both of you said in unison all of a sudden.
That made the two of you smile, Hyunjin gesturing for you to start. “Chan told me that the two of you talked and that I should come over.” Again you bit your lip. The emotions of the 4 years you had together suddenly weighing on you. It clouded your head, it made you want to scream, it made you want to cry. Everything just flooding into your mind that you didn’t even know what to say except. “What’s wrong with us Jinnie?”
The question took him slightly by surprise. “What do you mean?”
An almost bitter sound came from you. “I mean everything. Us, what are we doing? We aren’t like this. We’re just running around playing games and lying and keeping secrets. We were never like that when we were freshman. And now we’re ruining friendships, no, I’m ruining your friendships.” You corrected, running a hand through your hair. “I’ve ruined everything.” You finally said, practically sobbing. You had thought with all your crying that you had no more tears left, still there they were, stinging your eyes.
Hyunjin placed a hand on your shoulder. “No. If you ruined everything, then what did I do? I was unconsciously selfish. I was so overwhelmed by everything you did for me that I never considered giving the same to you. I just let it be as it was and then I broke your heart.”
“But you lied to keep me happy. You were punishing yourself.” You remarked.
“I didn’t lie I did you.” He defended. “And you? I could tell over the years that you knew, you saw the looks I gave her and you never stopped me. You punished yourself too.” He informed.
So, Hyunjin had noticed that. Your ex was an observant person, however you had hoped that your swaying feelings about his love for you would go unnoticed, especially because you never really fought him about it. “Why didn't you tell me that?”
He scoffed. “And say what? ‘Hey I know you know I’m in love with someone else, how was your day?’” He asked rather sarcastically.
“It would have been better than dumping after 4 years.” You told him pointedly.
“I was thinking about the end goal. I couldn’t lie to you if you ever wanted to get married.” He let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. “Well, now I know that you didn’t want to marry me.” A small pout formed on his face, playfully pretending to be sad.
You nudged him slightly. “Maybe you should have just been more honest about your feelings and saved us both the heartbreak.”
A small “tsk” came from your ex. “Says the least honest person I know.”
“Hey!” You huffed. “I am being honest now.”
“How’s the working out for you?” He questioned with a quirk of his brow.
You blew a stream out of your mouth, resting your head against his couch. “Awful. Maybe we should go back to keeping secrets and playing games.”
Hyunjin shook his head, almost laughing at you. “I don’t think that worked out for us as well.”
You agreed with him there, fingers still stroking through Kkami’s fur, cooing the dog but with little response you had assumed that he fell asleep in your lap. As another silence settled over you had thought about everything that had lead to you sitting on this couch. After everything that had happened, the parties, the dates, the break up, all the sex, the war of emotions that the two of shared, there was something that you had been one thing miss. You leaned in closer to Hyunjin, knees bumping together as you swallowed. His eyes locked with yours, a million questions swirling through them. “Hyunjin…” You whispered. “I’m sorry.”
That rooted him in place, his body completely shuddering from the shock of your words. “What? Why are you sorry?”
You shrugged. “Because you deserved to be happy. I was so selfish when it came to my feelings that I probably hurt you and your relationship with...with her.” You confessed, wanting to let go of all the jealousy you had in your heart.
Hyunjin sighed. “The two of us were both selfish. If it makes you feel better I think I was the one that ruined it from the beginning.”
“Why do you say that?”
A heavy breath came from him. “I fucked up again. I did it with her before and now I’m repeating the same mistakes.”
You frowned at him, more sympathetically though. “Oh, Hyunjin…”
He waved a hand at you. “No, no. I think she has all the right to be mad at me. We got into a fight…” Then he told you the story. The way that they yelled at each other, argued, lungs screaming because of everything that transpired between the two of them. Even though you didn’t know how far their history went back, you knew that Hyunjin loved with all his heart and body, with such passion that it could burn the sun. You had experienced it once yourself. So, this fight with her, the girl that he had been so in love with, must have crushed his soul. Here you both were, exes, listening to each other’s heartbreak and comforting each other. The hours seemed to fly by as you listened, playing with Kkami in your lap. The conversation soon died down about Jisung’s girl best friend and Hyunjin’s relationship into reminiscing, thinking about the 4 years that had passed. Every little detail, every emotion, finally coming into light.
Your conversation stopped when you heard the door open, both you and Hyunjin turning to see a rather disheveled Minho walk through the door. “Oh, (Y/N). Did you come back for seconds?”
You rolled your eyes at him. “We’re talking.”
“Ah, right I forgot you’re interested in the other lovestruck idiot.” As he said that, gave small kisses to the three cats that were meowing for his attention.
Hyunjin narrowed his eyes on his roommate. “I am not a lovestruck idiot.”
Minho nodded. “No, you’re dumber.”
Not caring for their argument you turned towards the older. “Why are you here? I thought you had a date.”
Checking his watch, Minho shook his head. “It’s 6AM. Do you really think I was going to sleep over at some girl’s house?”
“It’s 6AM?!” Your voice suddenly growing loud, stunning the two boys around you. “Fuck I gotta go. I have work in an hour!” As you suddenly sprang up, you heard Kkami whimper as you began to gather your things, nearly knocking Minho out of the way.
“Wait (Y/N)!” Hyunjin called after you. You turned to him, eyes in panic and telling him to continue. “Um… it was nice. This.”
You heard Minho in the corner make a gagging sound, as if he was actually vomiting. Though the smile on his face must have definitely said that he was happy the two of you were finally acting like adults and talking out your problems. You smiled at him. “It was. Let’s do it again.”
𝐒𝐨 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 (𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞). 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 (𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲). 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐦𝐞 - 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐧𝐝
The building that Minhyuk and the rest of his friends had owned had surprised you. You had expected a small run down like a studio, instead you were met with a skyscraper. Chan, Changbin and Jisung had rarely talked about the company that they had worked for, and you wondered why. The building had stood out like a sore thumb, you wondered why you had never noticed it. The beautiful metal and glass shining beautifully against the afternoon sun. As you continued to stare up at the building it only seemed to grow, the intimidating height point heavenward. It made you shiver. Could you really face Chan now?
You pushed those thoughts downward as you entered the building, a lunchbox for Chan in hand (mostly to bribe him in case), still your work clothes having rushed here when Changbin had texted you that Chan was here. Technically, he was always here but it was rare that Chan would simply be working on a song rather than helping with Haven, or recording a song where he was supposed to be unbothered. This afternoon he had apparently come by simply to see if he could come up with something. It was the perfect time for the two of you to talk. No one would interrupt the two of you, knowing Chan hated to be interrupted while he was at work.
So, you entered the building, surprised that there was only one security guard as you looked around for the elevator, catching the sight of Chan, Beats headphones on top of his head, so you couldn’t yell for him. You raced towards him, heels clacking against the floor as you attempted to push passed the turnstile gates only for a loud beeping sound to sound and the wind nearly knocked out of you, the gate not budging.
“You need to swipe your key card honey.”
Your head turned towards the desk that you hadn’t noticed before. A mid-aged woman, stated through her cat eyed glasses. You gave her the sweetest smile possible. “I’m sorry. I don’t have one, could you possibly let me in.”
She snapped the gum in her mouth. “Name?”
“(Y/N) (Y/L/N).” You told her.
Her acrylic nails began furiously typing away at the computer and she let out a tut from her lips. “You’re not on the visitors list. I am sorry but I am going to have to leave. Unless there was someone who can call.”
“Um, yeah. Christopher Bang, he goes by Chan or Bangchan. I’m his roommate.” You told her, finger fidgeting.
She shifted in her chair slightly, dialing a number on the landline. As she pressed the phone to her ear. You pray that Chan would answer but to your disappointment he did not. “He’s not taking visitors right now. Come back later.” She said strictly, eyes turning back to whatever was on her computer screen.
“Could you try another name?” You requested, smiling at her once again.
Standing straighter you narrowed your eyes at her. “Listen lady, I need to talk to Chan right away. Now dial that number or-”
“Or you’ll what?” She questioned completely unphased by your irritation. “Honey, I understand that he’s a famous rapper and you probably think he loves you or that you want to get in his pants, but it’s not happening. Now run along before I call security on you.”
“And why would you be doing that?” A familiar voice sounded behind you. There, dressed in a complete, all black Lacoste outfit and a black snap was Hongjoong, holding a strawberry smoothie. “She’s a friend of mine, let her in.”
The woman let a thin lipped frown form on her face, nevertheless your opened the gates for both you and Hongjoong to enter. “Thank you.” You said, practically bowing to him in thanks.
He shrugged, sipping at the smoothie. “No biggie. Why are you here in any way? You going to see someone?” He inquired, almost knowingly. Was there something that he knew that you didn’t?
You nodded. “Yeah. I’m actually her to talk with Chan.”
That made the knowing smile change to a regular one. “Ah, yes. Do you know where you’re going?” You shook your head, to which he laughed. Though Hongjoong was older than Minho, only by a few days, he carried the same maturity that Chan did. You thanked whatever gave you such good luck that he had run into you in the lobby just a few minutes ago. “I’ll take you there, don’t worry.” As he said that he pressed the button to floor 8. That apparently was where everyone’s recording studios were.
As the ride to the 8th floor started both you and Hongjoong decided to catch up. You asked him about his music, about how he found his way to Haven, and how it felt getting out of the student house where he lived to live with Seonghwa, who had become an accountant. Each time he had answered you with a smile, soon returning the favour by asking you his own slew of questions. The first had been about what happened between you and Jisung during his and Felix’s birthday party celebration. Apparently, Wooyoung had been rather upset with your rejection and that was Hongjoong’s concern for his friend. You tried your best to explain what had happened, attempting to keep your secret hidden, but with the look he gave you it seemed he already knew. Thankfully, he had mercy on you, only once asking about your breakup and when you gave him a rather curt answer, he chose to ask the simple questions. Such as work, how Felix was, how school was going, just mundane, small talk. The door to the elevator finally dinged, signaling that the two of you had arrived. He pointed out his studio, Mingi’s as well, among other producers you could meet one day or have heard of it. Nearing the end of the hallway, Hongjoong stopped, gesturing to the door. “This is Chan’s room.” He stated, but then gestured towards the door across the hall. “That’s Jisung studio, in case you wanted to check it out too.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
A fox-like grin appeared on his lips, his teeth biting into the straw of his drink. He definitely knew something that you didn’t. “I don’t know. Just in case you’re curious. Anyway, good luck with Chan.”
You watched as Hongjoong turned around, almost giggling to himself as he disappeared into his own studio, you gave him one last “thank you” before gently knocking on the steel grey door.
“One sec.” Chan said rather loudly, almost if he was shouting. It took a second before Chan opened the door. His attitude had completely changed, lips pursing open seeing you and strict father like eyes locking with yours. “(Y/N). I am surprised to see you here.”
You offered him a thin lipped smile. Chan being angry with you made your lurch, you had partly broken his trust and that was something a little sister should never do to their older brother. Especially, if their old brother was always putting you above anyone else. “Can I come in? I talked with Hyunjin like you asked.”
His fatherly nature remaining he nodded, he scooted the wheeled desk chair out of your way as you sat down on the plus leather couch. “I heard. I talked with Hyunjin as well.”
That had surprised you, even though you knew that the two of them were going to talk but you didn’t think it would so soon after the two of them figured out about Chan and Jisung’s girl best friend. “And how did that go?”
He shrugged. “It went well. I’ve decided to cut things off with her.”
Your eyes widened. “So, you gave up her? Even though you could have liked her? Are you insane?!”
“I’m not, (Y/N). There is a reason why I did it.”
“Why? Because you feel bad for Hyunjin? You said it yourself that you could have seen yourself actually really like her.” You protested, almost shouting at your roommate. As he gave you a stern look, you inhaled and took a deep breath. “Why, Chan?”
In turn, in turn he sighed as well. “Because she and Hyunjin belong together.”
Your brows knitted together. “How do you need that though?! Chan you can’t-”
“Because they have a history together!” He cut, raising his voice at you causing you to shrink back slightly. “If Hyunjin hadn’t made the mistakes he had in the past then they would still be together. She wouldn’t have fucked Hannie because she was heartbroken, and she wouldn’t have fucked me either. She would be with Hyunjin… she told me that herself.” His breath had gone heavy as he scratched his head. “I can’t come between that (Y/N). She’s so in love with him and I would only feel guilty if I did.”
That left your mouth agape, you had never once thought about how Jisung’s girl best friend had felt. Even though she had said that she had hated Hyunjin, she was just using that as a defence to guard her heart, after all they had this complex history that everyone was speaking about. That was the same as you, you had used the words, “I don’t know” to prevent yourself from fully giving your heart to Jisung. Then you had been too late, you had ruined your chances with him. Maybe you and her had more in common than you had admitted. “Chan...I am so sorry.” You finally said, reaching a hand out in sympathy.
He shook his head, a smile gracing his lips. “Don’t be. I am not ready to get into a relationship, I am married to my work.” Your roommate gestured to all the studio equipment that was around him in the green coloured room. “But it means a lot that you and Hyunjin properly talked it out. Thank you for doing that for me.”
You nodded, grateful that he was being so kind. “Of course.” A question lingered on your mind, as you bit the inside of your cheek. Should you ask about Jisung and how he was? Did you have a right to? Instead of thinking, you just let the words tumble from your mouth. “Are you still mad at me?”
A lopsided grin formed on your roommate's face as he pointed towards the lunchbox you held. “Depends. What’s in the lunchbox?”
“A bribe.” You said, opening it up to reveal the steak that you had prepared just for him.
Chan’s mouth was practically watering, smelling the spices that you had placed on the mid-well steak. You handed him the utensils that you had prepared and he dug in, nodding as the flavours danced on his tongue. “Okay, your bribe worked.” He said, hover his hand over his mouth so you couldn’t see the chewed food.
Your whole face perked up. “Really?!”
He swallowed first before allowing himself to speak again. “Of course. I know why you kept it from us, but remember next time that it’s not your decision to determine mine, Hyunjin’s or her feelings, okay?”
“You wanted me to keep it a secret.”
Taking another piece he nodded. “Touché. Though I never thought it would get between me and my friends.” He told, munching on another piece of the steak. “That was an exception. I don’t want anything to ever coming between me and my friends.”
You could agree with that. In fact, you decided to voice your opinion. “Then, I guess I should tell you about me and Jisung.”
Chan chuckled. “Oh, I knew about that.” Your face flashed in shock, hearing Chan confess to knowing your secret. “Don’t look surprised. I keep track of my friends, especially hearing the two of you at night when you think me and Lix are sleeping.”
“That was only a few times!” You retorted.
“ ‘Ah Jisung~! Harder!’ ‘Yeah, pretty girl just like that~’.” Your mouth opened, face flushing with heat, upon hearing the impressions of both you and Jisung in bed. That only made Chan giggle. “Yeah cause when your two friends who claim to hate each other definitely are in bed with each other. I know everything (Y/N).”
You nudged him playfully. “You didn’t know about Jisung’s girl best friend and Hyunjin.”
“I had my speculations but I am glad to know that they were right now.” Your roommate said pointedly, biting into the steak once more.
“And what are your speculations about me and Jisung?” You questioned, almost without thinking.
That made Chan pause, wiping his mouth clean and staring at you. He had known that Felix had told you about Jisung’s feelings but there was a high chance that he doubted your own feelings. Even though you had expressed your care for Jisung’s your actions with Hyunjin seemed to contradict them. Leaning back in his chair, he gave you a soft smile. “I think you should talk to each other. I have a feeling he wants to see you.”
You let a sarcastic laugh. “You don’t think I tried that already? He’s mad at me.”
Chan, as if knowing something, just like Hongjoong earlier. “Why don’t you go next door and check yourself? Then you can tell how wrong I am.”
You quirked a brow at him. “And if you are wrong?”
“Am I ever wrong?” Chan asked, almost cockily,
“Okay, Minho relax.” You remarked.
Chan snorted from the small laugh that escaped from him. “If I’m wrong I’ll pay your share of this month’s rent.” He held his pinky out to you. You would definitely take him on that deal, you wrapped your pinky around his, definitely feeling the strength of it. The two of you sealed the deal as your fingers locked and you stood up. As you were about to step out of the door Chan called for you. You turned to him. “Jisung leaves his door unlocked, so you can just enter.”
You gave him a thank you, ready to exit but then you stopped mid-opening the door. Turning on your heel, confusing him a little, more so when you had bent down and wrapped your arms around him. You had hugged Chan often, usually a side hug, but this time you completely enveloped him. If it wasn’t clear that his anger towards you had disappeared it was now, strong arms finding their way around you. The position was slightly awkward, as you were standing and he was sitting, but you didn’t care. Chan was basically the older brother that you wished you had and even despite your arguments he was still treating you like his sweet little sister. “Thank you, seriously.” You said, withdrawing from him.
A smile, one that reached his eyes and shaped them like crescent moons. “You’re welcome. I love you okay?”
“I love you too.” You breathed out, the tension releasing from your shoulders slightly.
You couldn’t relax just yet, you told yourself. As you bid your actual final “thank you” and “I love you” to each other, you felt your shoulders sag with tension. Once the grey, metal door of Chan’s studio closed you were met with another. The one that was right across the hall, that held your heart there. Jisung was in there after all. Calming your nerves you approached the door and like a parent you knocked while entering. “Jisung?” You questioned, trying to catch his attention if he was in the middle of something.
That he was, that new $400 mic that he talked about was set up, thankfully though that one of his headphones was tucked behind his ears as he stared at you entering. Usually you got an endearing, goofy, chubby cheeked grin, instead you were met with disdain. The scowl lying on his face as he saw you. “What are you doing here? You stalking me now?” Even when you both hated each other Jisung had never spoken to you with such hatred. It stung you directly in the heart. Although you knew it was because he was making sure he wouldn't be broken by you again.
“Chan and I talked, that’s why I’m here.” You confessed to him. You hope there would be a slight hint of sympathy in his eyes knowing that, however there was none. Jisung was looking at you like you were a pest, one that he wished would leave but here you were. “And I wanted to talk to you.”
A sarcastic laugh escaped him, removing his headphones as he sat back into the desk chair, legs wide and tongue poking out of his cheek. “You think I want to talk with you? After all that you’ve done. You really are pathetic.”
You let out a huff of air, facing away from him, trying to calm yourself. “You must be pathetic then for liking me so much then.” You stated, hearing him stop whatever he was doing. His eyes were on you now. “Felix told me you have feelings for me Jisung. And if you would even bother to listen to me you know that I do too. So, please can we just talk?” With these last words, you turned to face him once more, standing mere inches away. That was your confession, your first one. The one thing that you wanted him to hear. It was the one thing you knew he needed to hear. Your eyes bearing into his, you weren’t going to give him the opportunity to dodge the question or change the subject. You were getting to the bottom of this, now.
For a long moment, Jisung simply gazed at you, his expression unreadable. But then there was a sudden movement, and then next thing you knew, he was standing and he had taken your face between his hands. The smooth touch of his bare fingers grabbing at you was a sharp contrast to the roughness of his lips. His mouth descended on yours with almost bruising force, and you felt yourself freeze, unable to think of the correct way to respond to this. You two hadn’t spoken in nearly a month due to all his avoidance and now he was kissing you? Had you not been so happy to finally see him, and finally feel him, you would have yelled at him.
Jisung held the kiss for what felt like an eternity before finally breaking away, though he kept his hands where they were. “Fuck (Y/N), you’re so fucking infuriating.” He breathed. “Take the hint already.” He almost snarled, not liking the way the kiss you both shared sent a flood of heat through both of you. “There’s a reason I’m avoiding you, in case you didn’t notice.”
“And what reason is that?” You said, watching him closely. Your chest was furiously rising and falling as you breathed, studying the way he was glaring at you, paying very close attention to the partially-hidden emotions you could see in his eyes.
“Because…” He stepped forward, if that had been even possible, your breaths mingling and his eyes looking down on you. Pure, lustful hatred swirling through them. “I can’t stand you.”
One of your eyebrows arched at his claim. “Yeah? I think you’re lying.” You challenged. “If you hate me so much, then why were you so jealous about Hyunjin? Why are you always telling me to focus on you and not him? Why have you been avoiding me when I said that having sex with was just a way to get revenge on Hyunjin, hmm? Why did you always comforting me and you even went to my parents house and convinced them you were my boyfriend? You don’t do that with someone you hate.”
That made him blink, momentarily at a loss for words. You had him there. You knew that Jisung couldn’t hide all his emotions at all. At least when you had caught him lying. He watched as his mouth opened and closed soundlessly, unable to think of anything to say in his defense. “Screw you.” He muttered out last. “You are so damn irritating and you make me want to… to…”
You could have laughed at his rambling but you had no time to think as Jisung fisted into the collar of your hoodie. The kiss was searing with heat , one that you felt all the way through your body. His own hands came up to wrap around you, one on your lower back, the other behind your head, twining through your hair.
Somehow, your fingers found their way to the zipper of his hoodie that held the garment closed, and you undeftly unzipped it, yanking the edges open before pushing it off his toned shoulders. He had to release you to shrug off the hoodie, but as soon as it was gone, he had unerringly found the clasps of your jacket, and he made short work of opening it. His hands slid inside, feeling the warmth of your body, and he pulled you tightly against him, nipping at your bottom lip in a silent demand for entry.
Had he not been mad at you, you would have teased him for being too needy and eager. However, right now you don't want to push your luck. You obliged, opening your mouth and letting his tongue enter, but you weren’t ready to relinquish control. You missed him. You had wanted him, needed him. The hole that he left in your life with the month that he was gone had made you almost obedient. Almost. You quickly forced him back out, following him into his own mouth. The two of you went back and forth, each trying to assert dominance over the other, and neither one willing to give way.
He reached up to grasp your wrists, pulling your arms down and allowing him to slide your jacket off, where it soon joined his. Jisung broke the kiss first, but he wasn’t finished with you. His mouth trailed down your neck, placing surprisingly gentle bites along the skin, until suddenly he sank his teeth into your shoulder, deep enough to make you gasp, your body jerking against his. You should have known that he wouldn’t let you get through this without some sort of proof of what had happened.
Licking the bruised flesh softly, he leaned back just enough to see what he was doing. His fingers slid down over your sides, slipping beneath the hem of your shirt and pulling it over your head, leaving you in a sheer black bra. His eyes drank in the sight of you, lingering on unscathed skin. He hadn’t marked you in so long that his previous work had disappeared. His eyes finally zeroed in on your bra, and he grinned. “Oh, please tell me you wore that just for me.” There it was, the same cocky old Jisung. Even when he was mad at you, his personality peaked through.
“The hell I did.” You grumbled, still in denial. That made his face scrunch up in annoyance but he didn’t reply, feeling your hand at the hem of his shirt. You were all but ripping it off and revealing his lean torso. You paused a moment, unable to keep yourself from getting a better look at him. You had seen Jisung like this many times over, but every time you had it was always surprising. You really had to thank Changbin for convincing him to start working out again. In fact, he probably had spent all this time working out because his muscles were taut, fully visible. Placing a hand on top of his pants, you traced upward slowly, your fingers running over his abdomen.
You wouldn’t admit it to anyone, especially since the two of you were fighting, but every time you saw Jisung standing there in front of you half-dressed sent a bolt of arousal straight to your core. Just like right now, you had to hold your thighs tightly together in an attempt to stave off the surge of heat. You didn’t think you had ever wanted anyone more in your entire life. How was it that someone you had claimed to hate so much could make you feel like this? You knew the answer. You knew why. The answer had always been there, just on the tip of your tongue, however you were just too much of a coward to say it aloud though. You were on him again in an instant, distracting you mind like before, leaving a string of bites across the top of his chest and along his collarbones, most of them hard enough to turn the skin pink. If he was going to make you remember this, you were going to return the favour.
His hands came down to your hips, and you felt yourself being lifted against him. Instinctively, you wrapped your legs around his waist, and he turned, carrying you across the studio, putting you down on the couch that had been tucked away in the back. As soon as you parted from him, his fingers were at your belt buckle, unfastening it and then going directly to your pants, which received the same treatment.
“Raise up.” He growled, drawing the material down a few inches. When you lifted your hips, he quickly slid your parents the rest of the way down, before pulling off your heels and tossing them aside carelessly. Your pants soon followed, leaving you clad only in a bra and panties.
Jisung situated himself between your legs, one arm going around to find the clasp of your bra, which came undone. You were quite impressed by his ability to do that with one hand, Jisung was usually a clumsy, goof who was so hasty that you usually were stripping yourself in case he had ripped your clothes. His free hand dipped down over your stomach, coming into contact with the scrap of fabric that was the only thing separating your core from his touch. But he didn’t let this stop him, as he began to rub circles around the sensitive area, easily locating the bundle of nerves that he knew would be the key to your undoing.
You moaned softly, draping your arms over his shoulders and pulling him close, burying your face into his shoulder. You inhaled, his cinnamon like metallic scent had become far too familiar to you. Pleasure slowly saturated your body, setting your nerves alight and making you want more. Unfortunately, Jisung wasn’t going to make it that easy. After all, you had to be punished for everything you had done leading up to this. He leaned back, looking down at you. “Tell me what you want, whore.” He said, his voice low and silky. Your eyes hardened as you gazed back at him. “Don’t look at me like that, you fucked my best friend just because you were lonely. Couldn’t live a day without being fucked. You like going back and forth between us, like a whore.”
You couldn’t argue with him. From his point of view you had immediately gone to Hyunjin and you betrayed his trust. You couldn’t fault him for his anger. Even if you hadn’t meant to sleep with your ex, you had and that was that. Usually, this situation would have gone differently, Jisung would have let up and asked you nicely when you glared at him. But not now, you were just another fuck and he didn’t have to give you mercy. Especially with this. What he was doing felt good,but it wasn’t even close to being enough, and he refused to slip past the barrier of your panties and touch you directly. But did you want it enough to swallow your pride and give him what he wanted? While he waited, he continued to leisurely circle the bud, one finger barely ghosting over it now and then, to remind you of what could be yours, if you just gave in.
You clenched your teeth, suddenly pulling him back for a fierce kiss. When you finally broke it, you kept him close, so you could whisper in his ear. “Touch me Ji, please.”
The pleasure he had been giving you abruptly stopped, but that was because he was currently tugging off your panties, and finally, you felt his fingers come into contact with his bare flesh. You gasped, your legs unconsciously widening as he plunged a single finger into you. Caught up in the pleasure you were feeling you didn’t notice his hand disappear into the pocket of his pants for a moment.
Jisung was a bit startled by what he found. He was met with no resistance as the digit slid into you. Your essence coated him liberally, the liquid proof of your state of arousal impossible to miss. “Damn, you’re this wet for me? I’m flattered.” You wanted to call him out for being a cocky little shit, as he always was but the way he was stroking your inner walls was enough to make your mind go blank. You had missed Jisung too much to argue. Realizing that he wasn’t going to hurt you, he added a second finger, and your passage became more snug around him. He would have to work for a third. His thumb came up to roll over your bundle of nerves above your entrance, and your hips jerked in response as the pleasure suddenly spiked.
“Just prove that you’re worth it.” You told him.
Something flared within his lust-darkened eyes then. “Is that a challenge? You want me to prove that I’m better than Hyunjin, huh?” He asked, rather softly. “Because whatever expectations you might have, I’ll destroy them. I’ve wanted to ruin you for everyone, especially Hyunjin. He doesn’t fucking deserve you, I do.” You remembered, it was the first time he had called you a ‘whore’ and you realized that you quite enjoyed seeing him jealous and possessive. “That’s why you keep coming back to me right? Once is never enough.”
You could only manage a groan to respond to his words, unable to find your voice. As his fingers continued their devastating work within you, he pulled off your bra, pushing you back so that you had to catch yourself on your elbows. He leaned over you, mouth hovering just above your breasts. “It’s been long since I’ve felt these around my mouth. I think I’ve forgotten what they feel like.” He commented, almost to himself. “I think it’s high time I start remembering, don’t you?” Without waiting for a response, he made good on his threat. His tongue flicked across your nipple before he bit down, the sensation stopping just short of pain. You knew you would have another mark there, but you didn’t care. All that mattered was the release he was slowly pushing you towards.
Your hands slid up his back, leaving behind faint, pink crescents as your nails scratched over his skin. He gave a soft moan at the sting, but made no other protest. You flinched slightly as you felt him slowly sliding a third finger into your entrance, stretching you. You groaned again, the sensation sending a mixture of pain and pleasure in your core. Despite the roughness you had both shown up to this point, he was careful, making sure to never push you to the point of feeling real pain. At that thought the discomfort soon faded, and before long, you were moving your hips in tandem with his hand, trying to wring as much pleasure out of the movements as you could. There was a faint tightness in your abdomen that signaled your release, but it was still out of reach. You needed more, and you were sure there was only one way that you were going to get it, however, much to your dislike of the notion. Your hand went to his bicep, digging your nails into it, hard enough that he would be able to feel it.
He hissed against your skin, the vibration against your sensitive bud making you shiver. When you squeezed again Jisung left off his ministrations to your breasts, eyes looking up at you. “Something wrong?” He asked, and you saw that classic, cocky, knowing look in his eyes.
Though you opened your mouth to reply, you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything at first. He hadn’t demanded anything of you this time, you were doing this of your own free will. You knew that he knew these simple, small touches wouldn’t be enough to send you over the edge, and he was just waiting for you to come to the same conclusion and take matters into your own hands, so to speak. You had rarely ever begged for Jisung, only when you deemed appropriate, usually when he pleaded for you to speak up. But at this point, you were too far gone to really care. You wanted release, you wanted Jisung, desperately. “Damn it, Jisung, you know exactly what’s wrong.” You told him. Your legs were trembling as the pleasure flowed through you, but it still wasn’t enough. He was insisting on playing dumb, though, and simply blinked, waiting for you to continue your train of thought.
“Come on, tell me baby.”
“You cocky little-” Your retort died in your throat when his fingers twisted, curling inside of you and brushing against the rough, velvety patch of skin.
“Even when you come and see me all needy you still have a fucking attitude. I’d lose it before I decide to just leave you here, I have a song to work on, pretty girl.” Jisung had never truly threatened you before, not like this at least. Even when he had been jealous, he still knew when to keep his tone down. But seeing him like this, practically snarling, looking down on you as if you were inferior to him was something else. It thrilled you.
Reaching down, you pulled his fingers from you, positioning them above your entrance. “Please, make me cum.” You whimpered, voice going soft that it could only reach his ears.
You thought he was going to laugh at you, or maybe even make you beg more. After all, his personality was just as strong-willed as yours was, especially when angry. Eventually, though one of you would have to submit to the other, it was usually Jisung, but not today. Today you would let it slide because you had come here on your own accord. You had come seeking Jisung, needing him more than anything.
The sight of you begging made something snap within him, and his mouth captured yours in a kiss that took your breath away with its ferocity. He didn’t need any further coaxing, cursing as his fingers went to work, dancing across your clit with a speed and accuracy that would have left you panting, had your mouth not been otherwise occupied against his. Soon you were unable to hold back a soft cry of sheer pleasure, you broke the kiss, throwing your head and closing your eyes. You lost yourself in the sensations flowing through your body as you clung to him, helpless beneath his touch.
“Hearing those words come from that pretty mouth… I don’t think you realize what you’ve done.” He groaned into your ear, tilting your head to the side to nibble at your neck. “I’ll give you what you want first, pretty girl, but then-“ He cut himself off practically growling at you now “-Then you’re mine.”
You could barely register the words, but you really didn’t care. All that matter was the pressure slowly building within you as your release crept closer and closer. Your entire body trembled against his frame, and he held you close, patiently waiting for your high to wash over you. It wouldn’t be long, he knew, Jisung recognized the telltale signs of your body working itself up to its breaking point. And then, through the haze of pleasure clouding your vision, you heard him say something that made you open your eyes. “Eyes on me.” He commanded, something you both always said during your most intimate moments to make sure that the other knew who was in control. Even though Jisung had agreed to your requests before this, he was the one in complete control, he wasn’t going to submit to you. Far from it, in fact, he intended to exert his dominion over you very soon, this was just the first step. “Say my name too. I want to make sure you know who it is letting you cum.” Jisung was enjoying this, damn him. The worst part of the entire thing was that you were enjoying it, too. You didn’t break easily, and you certainly never thought you would be broken by someone like Han Jisung. Yet here you were, slowly unravelling beneath his expert touch. Maybe he really was ruining you.
Before you had time to formulate a reply, searing pleasure shot through your body. Your hips jerked against him and he tightened his hold on you as you rode out your high. His fingers continued to work over you as you shuddered violently, and you felt him pull back, your eyes meeting him as he requested. An arrogant grin formed on his lips, seeing that you were struggling to have your attentions on him. “Say it, baby.” He crooned.
“Jisung.” You breathed, your voice laced with intense pleasure. “Ji- fuck!”
He felt a shiver race up his spine at the sensual sound of your voice. He hadn’t known that you could ever sound like that. So pleasure driven, so needy from him. Of all the times the two of you had been together you had never once called Jisung’s name like that. “God, I love hearing you say my name like that.” Any more cries of pleasure you might have made were cut off as he kissed you, his tongue sweeping in your mouth before you had time to gather the pieces of your fragmented consciousness enough for him back.
His hand slowed its work once he was sure you were coming down from your post-release high, and then finally stopped altogether, dipping down for a moment to collect some of your essence. With your eyes still on him, he made sure you were watching as he raised the glistening, black painted, digits to his mouth, carefully licking them clean. You watched in a curious mixture of fascination. It was starting to become clear that he was going to end up pushing, and that you would have to beg for him to do anything. You made a show of opening your mouth to him, even sticking your tongue out to him. Jisung’s brow arched up at you. “What?” He questioned, still wearing that arrogant smirk. Your doe like eyes, directed him to his beautiful, painted black, fingers. A small chuckle escaped his lips, one that made his head bend down and smirk at you. “You really are a good little whore aren’t you? Want to taste yourself on my fingers baby? I’ve cleaned them clean though…looks like you’re gonna get anything.”
You attempted to let out a whine, only for the sound to cut short as the fingers that were once inside of you found their way to the base of your throat. Jisung had choked you before but never like this. The pressure he placed there caused you to gasp out, but there was something else in his eyes. The hurt, the anger, the betrayal all gathered there as he continued to squeeze your throat. It was as if by having you whimper out underneath him, a slight sting of pain in your eye, would make the pain that made his heart lurch out for you disappear. “Open your mouth.” The command came and you did as you were told, repeating the same action you had done before. With a sharp inhale, he leaned over you, fingers tightening around your throat. Then you felt it, the hot saliva pooling from his mouth. Some of it fell into your open mouth, the rest on your cheeks and chin, trickling quickly over your face as he released the grip on you. “As much as I would like to give you a better taste brat, I think that’s going to have to wait. There are other things I’d rather do right now. Next time though.” His voice dripped with sinful promise.
Your eyes narrowed at him, voice hoarse from the constriction that had been around you. “What makes you think there’s even going to be a next time?” You hissed out, trying to push his nerves even harder. As much as you wanted him to be gentle and soft like it used to be, you knew that if Jisung couldn’t release his anger then there would be no way that he’d speak to you. Or even forgive you. You knew how he worked.
Though he didn’t respond in an angry way. Instead, he simply let an impish grin form on his lips. With a look like that you could practically see the demon horn curling up from his head. This man truly was the devil. “Like I told you before, once is never enough. I think it’s safe to say that it’s the truth. Even when you know I don’t even want to see you, here you are still finding your way to me.”
You gave a hiss of annoyance through your teeth, pushing him off of you, sliding from the surface of the plush, leather couch. Had it been any other time of the two of you sleeping together, you would have gathered your clothes and left him there to take care of himself. Even now you were tempted, just to prove that he was wrong. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Instead, your fingers found the strap of his belt, unfastening it and dropping it to the floor. That done, you went to work on his pants. He didn’t give you the chance to undress him the way he’d done to you, however the instant the button on his pants came loose, he was kicking them off, along with his shoes. In a matter of seconds, he was just bare as you were, except for the chain and rings he wore. Oddly, these two articles of clothing left just turned you on even more than you already were, and you didn’t protest when he made a move to take them off.
Your head tilted slightly to the side as you got your first look at his unclothed form. Each and every time you saw him, it was like the first. Jisung was something to marvel at, he was beautiful. His length was always impressive, the girth always taking your breath away whether it was inside of you or not, and you were rather interested to see that muscles had littered not only his torso but down over his hips and legs, as well. He really must have been pushing himself with your time apart. You opened your to compliment him, just as you did when you had been in your bed at your parents house, but you didn’t have the chance. His hands were on you again, turning you around and pushing you against the black, plus, leather couch. Lifting one of your legs, he positioned your knee on the smooth surface, so you were braced partially on top of it.
Pressing himself against your back, he took hold on himself, sliding his length along your slick folds for a few moments. When you whined out, he let out a huff of air. “Don’t complain, this is what you wanted after all.” You couldn’t argue with him on that. This is what you wanted, you wanted Jisung, whether it would be talking or fucking, you just wanted Jisung back in your life. Aligning himself with your entrance, he pushed forward slowly, pausing every inch so that you felt his cock drag against your walls. When he was halfway in, he suddenly snapped his hips against yours, filling you completely, causing you to give a cry that was neither of pleasure nor pain, simply a mixture of both.
When Jisung was fully sheathed within you, he halted, pulling back your back against his and rubbing his face against your neck. That action was rather endearing despite his previous agitation towards you. Reaching up, you placed one hand on his arm, the other curling back behind his head. Your fingers curled into the dark locks, giving a soft yank, causing him to hiss. You wouldn’t allow him to scold you though as you pulled his head back so you could reach around his neck, trailing a line of kisses along the flesh. As you did so, you also began to slowly move your hips, trying to encourage him to do the same.
A deep chuckle made its way out of his throat, the deep vibration from his chest reaching you. “What, are you getting impatient? You want me that badly?” He paused, you could feel the wicked glint appearing on his face. “Oh, (Y/N)... I told you, you’ve always had me.” The first time he had said that, it had been sweet, like you had been safe in his arms. This time though, you felt the spite in it, the words sounding bitter tasting, as if he was spitting up the bile in his throat and regretting ever uttering those words to you.
Raising your mouth from his neck, you whimpered out for him again. “Please move.”
The hand that rested on your waist tightened its grip, and you had to remove your own hand from behind his head in order to brace yourself on the edge of the table as he set up a fast and hard rhythm that left you jolting forward each time his hips met yours. You moaned quietly, feeling him brush your hair back off one shoulder. His lips began to nibble at the exposed skin, leaving progressively harder bites as he went, pain coursed through you. Jisung had always marked you, a sign of his possessiveness but this was completely different. Like every mark he was leaving would disappear if he didn’t bite into your skin hard enough and that they would be replaced by your ex, his best friend. The pain he had felt in that moment being expressed every time his teeth sunk into you.
That possessiveness and jealousy only making you cling to him tighter, on top the lack of sex you had been having, Jisung could feel every curve of your walls begging him to still. The feeling made him hiss out. “I never thought you would feel this good around me.” He murmured into your ear, his voice somewhat strained as his own pleasure began to flow through him. Your walls, ever tight around him, despite your earlier release brought enough friction to him again that a moan escaped his mouth.
Truthfully, on Jisung’s part he had wanted to fuck you for quite sometime now. Even though your actions had caused him such great pain, there was part of him that still clung onto you. It was the part that knew he hadn’t met anyone like you before. You fought him every step of the way, and that just made him want you more. He had always suspected that you both didn’t hate each other as much as you both claimed. Even if that was such a small hope it seemed to be the truth. Your words might have said that you weren’t sure of him, but your body told a different story. It had taken him a while to be sure of this, what with all the hate sex the two of you had been having, but once you had gone to him for comfort and longing, he leapt in without hesitation, knowing that it was only a matter of time before you both would utter out the same hopes he had dreamt of. Unfortunately, that dream had been shattered by you sleeping with your ex, but at the very least he could have you like this. Just like beginning of this whole sleeping together, he could be satisfied with simply just sex. After all, you had broken his heart.
The hurt had turned into this. This feeling of him knowing that he could enjoy himself now that he finally had you at his mercy. Jisung, fully intended to make you beg, cry for him. He wanted you to feel the torment and betrayal he had felt when he saw you and Hyunjin together, but now that he was sheathed inside of you, he found that he was giving you mercy again. He couldn’t fully bring himself to be cruel to you, even if he wanted to be. Jisung still wanted you fully, whole-heartedly as he did the first time at Changbin’s party and all the times after. It was almost pathetic, however if this was the way to lure you back into his arms again then he would do it over and over, just to have you. Abruptly, he pulled out of you, trying to stabilize his thoughts. You gave him a soft mewl of protest, to which he rolled his eyes, steeling his emotions back down. Turning you around, he lifted you back onto the leather couch full, drawing your legs around his waist before plunging himself back inside you. He wanted to be able to see your face, rather than having your back to him.
Your arms went around him, burying your face in his neck. You allowed him to hold you tightly against his surprisingly, or rather not now, muscular body. One hand raised, and he ran his thumb gently over your cheek in a tender gesture. You felt surprised by the sweet gesture but not as surprised when he spoke again. “Tell me you’re mine.” He muttered, knowing you were going to be displeased with him for even asking this. Sure enough, you had stiffened against him, your fingernails digging crescents into his back. Though there was a slight pain, he stil held you close, not pulling away. “Even if it’s not true.” He whispered, in an attempt to placate your volatile temper that could easily return if he said the wrong thing. “Please, say it for me.” His voice came out almost like he was begging in the most melancholic way.
Raising your head so you could look him in the eye you saw the sadness that you caused. The once bright, goofy man that had you like this so many times, now empty. His eyes devoid, even the lust that had lingered there was barely present. “Are you sure that's what you want?”
“Yes.” He simply breathed out.
With your second climax beginning to build, you felt your inhibitions slipping away. Climaxing with Jisung was like being drunk. Once he had a hold on you, it made you say and do things you otherwise would never do. It made you reckless, and you knew that you would say anything, do anything if it would just continue a little longer, especially if it was with the man that you had been missing so dearly. This feeling kept you locked in that exquisite ecstasy that wiped all rational thought from your mind.
For several seconds, you had said nothing, the only sounds in the room a combination of heavy breathing and the rhythmic sound of his hips crashing against yours as he pushed you inexorably towards your high. You knew the damage that those words could do to your heart and his own. If you uttered those words there would be no going back. Were you really ready to break down the barrier your heart had set up after Hyunjin had broken you? After Jisung had mended it, only for you to break it with one simple mistake? Finally, you reached up. Jisung stilled, thinking you might slap him for ever uttering the request. Instead, you place your hand against his face, and leaned forward to kiss him. It was the seogest kiss you had given him thus far, and it stunned him. He never thought, in this moment, you could be so gentle. When you broke the kiss, rather than pulling away, you leaned back only far enough to be able to speak. You gave him what he wanted, knowing that it held what you had wanted to say since you had been at your parents house. That you did in fact have feelings towards Jisung, that you could see yourself with Jisung, that you wanted to be with Jisung. That was the full and honest truth. With a single breath you spoke again. “I’m yours, Han Jisung.”
These words broke whatever shred of composure he had left. He thrusted into you almost viciously, his hand snaking down and finding the bundle of nerves that had seen you over the edge before. His finger rubbed over the bud frantically, causing you to cry out as you were suddenly finding yourself cumming for the second time. You threw your head back, nails digging shallow channels into his back. “Ji!” You all but screamed his name as almost painful pleasure sank its claws into you, ripping into your nerves, causing them to electrify and tingle. You clenched around him in the process.
The action alone sent him tumbling over the edge after you. You clung to each other as you both descended into a white-hot bliss. He shifted, the cold metal of his chain resting right against the middle of your chest. The feeling made you shudder, already highly sensitive to what he was doing. You felt his face bury against your throat, causing you gasp as he bit down on the juncture of your neck and shoulder, the action pulling you from your thoughts. That was another mark to the pattern he had already left on you. That accompanied with Jisung’s white, almost burning, cum filling you sent your head spinning. Your mind going to the fact that you probably would have to walk out with cum dripping from you because you weren’t sure how you would clean up in his studio. Though you didn’t particularly want to focus on that at the moment.
Instead, you ran your fingers through the dark hair of your nemesis-turned-lover. A mellow feeling washing over the two of you, at least for now. When you’d told him to prove that he was worth it, he had certainly risen to the challenge. The two of you having been deprived of the other for so long, on top of all emotions that had twisted together in the heated session, it almost felt like the first time you both had slept together. Except this time you were willing to admit that you missed him. Especially, because he was a damn good lover.
You felt him shift again, the cold metal dangling from his neck pressing against the between your breasts again. As he was ready to pull off of you, you yanked him back tugging at the silver chain. He let out a huff, eyes flaring up at you in annoyance. You ignored it however. “What is this? I’ve never seen you wear it before.” Your finger traced over the rectangular pendant, noticing the detail of 9 women divided between the front and back on it.
Still slightly dazed, he had to blink a bit before realizing that you had never seen him with this necklace before. “Oh, my girl best friend gave it to me.” He noted, groaning as he felt you involuntarily clench around him. “It’s the 9 Muses from Greek Mythology. She said it was to help me out of my writer's block.”
“I see. It’s beautiful.” You breathed, noticing the tension the two of you had returning.
Without another word, Jisung pulled himself from you. You wanted to whine out that you wanted more, but you knew not to test your limits with him. The both of you were still technically on bad terms. You simply watched as he, still hard, wandered around the room for a moment until he returned with a tissue box and a water bottle, which he gently used to clean the proof of his orgasms off you. Once all traces of your combined release had been cleared away, he tended to himself, before returning to you. His hands found their way on other side of the couch, preventing you from getting up. “So, did I ruin you for all men out there?”
There was the sweet goofy that you had fallen for. You gave him a small shove. “You’re incorrigible.”
A tut came from his tongue as he allowed you room to move. “Are you ever going to tell me what that means?”
“I would, but then I would just have to show you a picture of yourself.” Though he appeared to be annoyed, there was no hiding the grin that had reached his lips. You offered him a smile as well, finally standing up to collect your clothes, methodically putting them on. However, you realized that there was a single article missing. Your thong was gone. Brow furrowing, you spun to look at him. There, lining his lips, was the same impish grin and devil horned expression on hiface. “Give them.” You demanded, holding out one hand.
He feigned confusion. “Give what?” He asked innocently.
You let out a small growl. “Give me back my underwear, Jisung.”
He held his hands up in defence. “I don’t have them. You must have lost them somewhere. Guess you’ll have to go without them.”
For a long time, you stared at him, your hard gaze meeting his amused one. He wasn’t about to back down with his little innocent lie this time. He was going to keep a memento of this, even though it was one that you were far from pleased about. The marks he had left on your body, and the ones that you had left on him would fade, but this was tangible. You had permanently left a mark on his heart, you knew that, one that was known to run away from your feelings, one that wasn’t honest. That was how he saw you. So, you knew that you couldn’t bring yourself to be angry with him, surprisingly enough. However, you could fake it. With that though, you turned back without another word, sliding your pants on and fastening them, without your panties. It would be a bit uncomfortable, but you would be heading home soon and it was the least you could do for him.
Jisung grinned, knowing that he’d won. He changed into his own shoes and pants, watching you as you straightened your clothing. You could sense his nervousness radiating off of him and you were about to question what was wrong, but instead you stilled. Apparently he was unable to control his urges, even when he had been furious with you before as he pressed himself on your back and wrapped his arms around you. You stiffened, not having expected such an action. “You smell like me.” He whispered into your ear. “You always do, but I really love knowing it.”
So did you. The beautiful spice of cinnamon, metallic like come-hither smell, felt like a plague before, but now it was the scent of your comfort, the scent of safety. It was a reminder that Jisung was near. “Don’t get too attached.” You warned him, however in a joking manner. You made sure that your voice had lost the venom it once carried just earlier. “This is a one-time thing.” You joked again, remembering the first time you had scolded him for chasing after you.
He scoffed. “Uh huh. Whatever you say, pretty girl.”
You casted him one final glance over your shoulder, your expression unreadable. “No one learns about this, okay?” You joked once again. Finally, you pulled out of his hold, though rather reluctantly. You remembered that Chan and Changbin were in the room and they probably heard the both of you. Though you didn’t really care who knew your secret anymore, the two of you still had to talk. Talk about what happened. Talk about the two of you and what you actually meant to each other.
Jisung nearly laughed hearing the familiar words. “Don’t worry, I know how to keep my mouth shut.” He replied, reaching for his shirt and tugging it over his head, covering up the love marks you had left on his body.
You snorted. “Huh...could have fooled me.”
“Hey, I was angry, okay?” He defended, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “At least you and Hyunjin finally talked everything out. He told me about everything.”
“ ‘Everything’?” Your eyes hardened hearing that.
Jisung nodded. “Everything.” He breathed, stepping closer to you. “But I want to hear it from you.”
You could practically hear your heartbeat in your ears, eyes meeting his eyes and immediately you just wanted to cling to him. He was your safe space, he was your comfort and you had felt empty without his presence making a mess of your life. You had missed him. A deep sense of longing had settled within you, that was what brought you here in the first place after all. You opened your mouth to speak, finally ready to vocalize your feelings. The truth, the full honest truth to Jisung. Although, as if to prove that you were cursed, the sound of Jisung’s phone echoed in the studio. He immediately apologized, stumbling slightly, breaking the transfixation of your eyes locking to get his phone on the table.
“Hey. What’s up?” He questioned. The smile that his face had dawned suddenly turned to his brows knitting in confusion. The voice on the other line sounded panicked, tumbling over their words as they continued. “Whoa, whoa slow down.” You watched as Jisung’s face mix into the scattered thoughts that were going through his mind and as he continued to listen, you realized that he was starting to panic as well. Not the same way he had panicked when he found out about you and Hyunjin, more like he was rushing to be somewhere. He pulled away from you, finishing hurriedly rushing to finish putting on his clothes.
An unsettling began welling inside of you as the call continued on you. There was something wrong in this room, with that call- but you couldn’t quite tell what it was. It was as if you had entered a room where there was no oxygen, the atmosphere had completely changed, making the air around you dense. When Jisung finally ended the call, you saw his hand shake. You pulled them to you, kissing the knuckles. “What’s wrong?”
He pulled away from you all too quickly. The anger, the pain, the betrayal returning in his expression. “I-I have to leave.” Though his voice was soft you could hear the twisted gut feeling that had been laced in his voice, withdrawing from you again.
“Not now. Not everything is about you, (Y/N). Especially right now.” The panic settled in his voice again. It was like an intense worry was clouding his mind as he finished gathering the last bit of his things. He told you to tell Chan to lock up and when you questioned why he was hurrying to leave you, he simply shook his head. Jisung’s eyes had gone red rimmed, those beautiful eyes begging you to leave him alone silently, as he left the studio. Not wanting to push further, you simply did as he quietly asked you to go to Chan’s studio, telling him that Jisung had to leave because of an emergency and if he could lock up. He nodded, silently wondering if you had been okay but you simply shook it off. As you exited the building, you wrapped your arms around yourself, feeling a slight chill surround you feeling a slight ache in your heart as you headed home.
𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐞'𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐞 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞. 𝐈 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬. 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞. 𝐈 𝐚𝐝𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭. 𝐎𝐡, 𝐧𝐨, 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐭 - 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐚 𝐌𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐟𝐭. 𝐍𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐇𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐧
Good people that would pass on always left us in part of their goodness, and that they will live on evermore. That was something your mother told you the first time you had gone to a funeral. That time you didn’t understand the pain that death held, too young and too naive to realize what it meant to lose someone. Even as you pulled the black fabric of your long sleeved, turtleneck dress on you couldn’t fathom the pain everyone had felt around you upon hearing the news. You even felt devoid, numb to it. You had never been practically close to Jisung’s girl best friend, but she had been a presence in your life. She in fact was everywhere, and you had only really had a proper conversation with her this year. She was sweet, kind to you, even more beautiful inside and out, you understood why your ex loved her. In fact, you understood why your friends had grown close with her as well, and maybe you could admit in your mind you were jealous of her. Jealous of the way that both Hyunjin, Jisung, and even the rest of your group of friends hung on around her, loved her even. Regardless you would never wish death upon someone, especially someone like her.
Your thoughts broke when both Felix and Chan entered your room. The two of them appeared hollow, sullen faces asking you if you wanted to accompany them to the funeral. You shook your head. The guilt would eat you alive if you saw Jisung or even his girl best friend, on a day like that. You had messed with both of them, Jisung directly and his girl best friend indirectly. Going early to her father’s funeral with your best friends to stand there in the front with her would have made you feel like a villain. You had done so much to the both of them and you couldn’t bear to look either in the face. In fact, you almost refused the invitation that she offered to you, but Hyunjin had called you up that night, asking for your support. It seemed that both you and your ex had been feeling the same self reproach these coming days. However, apparently Hyunjin also had a history with her father that was left unspoken of. You would have asked Jisung about it but you were avoiding his presence. The only time you had spoken was when the news of his girl best friend’s father dying had broken. You had texted if he was okay and he responded with a simple “yes”, you informed him that if needed someone that you would be there for him, that earned you no reply. Clearly, your actions with his best friend were still affecting him.
Speaking of his best friend, Hyunjin was the one that was driving you to the funeral. Your refusal to go to the funeral was the same reason that Hyunjin had to be there. The guilt. The mutual feeling that the two of you shared had been suffocating the both of you, the heavy feeling in your chest taking root there, even more so when your ex had cried to you. The incessant throb in your heart, telling you that Jisung had all the right to be callous, that you shouldn’t have even thought about getting close to him again. Nevertheless, you chose to be there for Hyunjin. His own shame had dug up his past and thrown it right in his face. The death of Jisung’s girl best friend’s father had been a reminder to him. A reminder of his mistakes with her, as he told you about their history on the car ride there.
Once you arrived at the church, it seemed that everyone had already gathered inside. You watched as Hyunjin stood there a second. Like a beautiful fallen angel wracked with shame, small tears from his face. Without thinking, your hand reached out for his, intertwining your fingers together as a gesture of reassurance as you both walked up the marble white steps into the church. The first thing you saw were your friends, all taking up the first few rows together. Seonghwa, was the first to notice the two of you walking, gesturing towards the empty space between Chan and Felix, apparently that was your spot. You shook your head at him though. You couldn’t bring yourself to sit at the front, especially so close to Jisung. You took note of another empty space, one that was between Jisung and his girl best friend, one that seemingly was meant for Hyunjin. Your eyes turned up towards him, if he would go up there then you would as well. Instead, he shook his head, pointing towards the seats that were just in front of you. And even as your friends all looked at the two of you, hands intertwined at the back of the church, the two of you didn’t budge, remaining in your guilt ridden pew. Maybe being in a church was a good thing, maybe it would wash away the regretful sins that had lingered on both of you.
The funeral had been a sweet sorrow, filled with moments of raw pain. The cries that surrounded you made your heart lurch in anguish. Watching the casket finally depart and be buried into the ground was the hardest part, both of you and Hyunjin locking eyes with your lovers before placing the roses that had been handed to you, over it. When the two of you began to return to church for the repast, you couldn’t help but think about how your mother’s words had rung in your head. Funerals, above all, were to celebrate someone’s life and what they had done with their time in this life. You even told Hyunjin that, thumb brushing over his hand, a gesture of comfort. Since the two of you had interlocked hands, you both hadn’t released your grip on each other. It was odd to think that you’d find some solace in your ex, however everything that the two of you had been through, it only made sense now.
When the two of you entered the church, the two of you were met with your friends. Wooyoung and Felix had practically tackled you on the way in. It surprised you how your friends could even speak to you. Maybe you were being hard on yourself, but you felt too much shame to even want to be close with them. They all knew what happened between you and Hyujin, on top of that they knew what happened between you and Jisung, they should have hated you. However, seeing them like this, especially Chan who had placed a strong arm around your frame, almost made you tear up. Maybe, it was the fact you were at a funeral, but you couldn’t help but tell each boy how thankful that they were in your life, a great tremor suddenly overtaking you, tears racing down to your cheeks. The boys that had surrounded, softened their composure, bodies pressing together as they hugged both you and your ex. Each boy expressing their own love and gratitude towards you, even to Hyunjin, which had surprised him. Maybe the two of you were really being too hard on ourselves. As you calmed yourself, one of the staff members announced that people could enter the dining hall for the repast. Seonghwa turned towards the two of you. “Will you guys actually join us this time?” He questioned, smiling softly, like a caring older sibling.
Both you and Hyunjin glanced at each other, both shaking your heads. “No.” You both said in unison. It seemed the regret and guilt was still rooted within the two of you.
That made the boys around displeased, almost insisting that you do so, but they stopped as soon as Jisung’s girl best friend approached the two of you. “You guys can go inside.” She told them. You looked at her, throat closing and mouth going dry. She and Jisung mirrored both you and Hyunjin, fingers interlaced trying to find comfort in such a harsh situation.
Grief, you thought to yourself. Grief came in waves, whether little or strong, the feeling could easily sweep one away. A feeling such like grief could replace normalcy with tears, tears that you had seen throughout the whole ceremony. Grief. That was the only thing that you could feel from her, once glowing, presence. Seeing her grief had only made you feel all the more guilt towards both her and Jisung. Her eyes met yours, clearly pensive as she saw the two of you, however she managed to offer you both a smile. “Are you both staying?”
“No.” You repeated, shaking your head, removing your hand from Hyunjin’s. “I mean, we just wanted to pay our respect, we didn’t want to disturb.”
Her brows knitted together, mimicking your actions of releasing Jisung’s hand. “You wouldn't, I would hate for you to feel unwelcome, both of you. Please.”
Hyunjin was the first to speak this time. “We just think it would be a bad idea.”
“Hyunjin, please.” She said, eyes turning up towards him. They had glazed over with tears. “Hyunjin, I need you.”
The words seemed to strike a chord with your ex, as if he had heard those words before. His face had completely gone blank, as if recalling a far distant memory. It made him finally turn towards you, regret lining his face. You nodded, as if to tell him that you would be okay if left you alone with Jisung. Both you and Jisung watched the two of them interact, both Hyunjin and Jisung’s girl best friend walking and talking, her grasping onto his hand. For the time you hadn’t felt the pain of envy towards her, it was actually sad to think of the past that the two of them had and how it brought them together like this. Their story, in it’s own way, a happy one. Here they were, holding hands, her leaning against Hyunjin and for the first time during this funeral you saw her smile. An actual smile, one that touched her eyes, even if it was softly. It was almost bittersweet to think that it took them this long to finally find each other.
Speaking of bittersweet, your attention was caught elsewhere when you heard someone clear their throat. There Jisung was standing before you, he appeared tired, completely devoid of colour or his energetic charmsia that had charmed anyone that had spoken with him. As you opened your mouth he began speaking as well, both of you going back and forth, deciding who should speak as the awkward air settled over the two of you. With a sympathetic smile, you allowed him to speak first. He appeared grateful for that and offered you a thin lipped smile as well. “So, you’re really not gonna stay?”
“No.” You told him once again.
He frowned, or rather pouted. It reminded you of the time you had refused to speak about him after the first time you both had slept together. That memory seemed so distant now. The nostalgia of your time together made the remorse crawl through your spine. “Why not? Everyone would want you to be there.”
Looking into his eyes, you sighed, the words already tumbling from your mouth. “Would you want me there though?”
There was a conflict going on in his mind when those words fell from your lips. At least that was what you saw in Jisung. He was debating the answer, eyes staring back at you with a firm gaze and his lips pursed. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he straightened his posture and answered you. “I don’t know.” Was all he said.
Having used those three words on you, you understood why it had stung Jisung so much. It was like someone had twisted a knife into your heart hearing him say that. You were finally feeling the pain of those accursed three words that you had used on Jisung. It almost made you want to burst into tears. Instead though, you did what you did best despite having been told not to, you hid your feelings, offering him one last sympathetic smile. “Alright, well I better go then. I’ll text Felix and Chan to give Hyunjin a ride.”
“Here let me walk you out.” He offered, hand pressing against your back.
Though Jisung had touched you many times before this, this touch, this small little gesture, lit an ache in you, one that wasn’t like the others. This ache had gone straight to your heart, rather than your core as it usually did. You didn’t realize how much you had missed his presence until it had gone again. It was like an itch that couldn’t be scratched away. You craved to be around Jisung, his aura not only giving comfort and safety but it had been somewhat of a constant that you couldn’t live without. He was right, you were pathetic. You were pathetic for chasing around your ex when in reality you had everything you could have wanted- no needed- right in front of you. It made you look like a fool, a pathetic, lonely fool. You didn’t have time to wallow any further though, the feeling of Jisung’s warm hand leaving your back as you reached the entrance of the church.
You swallowed, eyes turning up towards him. He mimicked your action, mouth opening but there was nothing that could be said between you two, even though there were thousands of words that could have been said. There was still nothing that you could bring yourself to say other than a “thank you” as both parted ways. When the door shut you knew that it was over. Your heart lurched knowing that he was just going to let you go, but you knew that he had all the reason too. You didn’t deserve any of his kindness, you knew that you didn’t even deserve him. That thought alone of losing him, never having him near you had tears welling up.
However, you have little time to cry as the door opened wide, making you jump in surprise and you tried as quickly as possible to compose yourself so that whoever had bursted through the door would not see you like that. “(Y/N)! (Y/N)!” The panicked voice sounded, the panicked voice of Jisung that was.
You turned, eyes meeting his once again. “Jisung-” You could barely get his name out from your lips as they were suddenly smothered by his own. It shocked you at first, quickly recovering to kiss him back. There were a plethora of times that you had kissed, each time with equal fervour but this kiss held everything, every emotion, every fight, every hint of jealousy, every ounce of feeling that had been bottled up for the passed 4 years. It was a kiss that made all the pain of the outside world melt away. It was slow and soft, comforting in a way that you couldn’t quite place yet it was passionate. His hands reseted below your ears, thumb caressing your cheeks as your breaths mingled as the two of you parted. “Jisung-”
“I love you.” He interjected, withdrawing from you enough to see your reaction.
Your eyes had gone wide in shock, the tears you once had trying to cover up falling to your cheeks again. He loved you, he actually loved. Even despite everything that the two of you had gone through, despite betraying his trust and hurting him, Jisung loved you. “I don’t know-”
He raised a hand to stop you once again. “Just please for once, listen.” He requested, voice rather firm. Had it been any other time you would have gotten mad for him interrupting you, hearing those three words and seeing his eyes completely blown out in desperation. You stood there silently allowing him to continue. “I do love you, maybe since the first day I saw you with Felix, call it cheesy but whatever. Since that day I think I’ve always loved you.” Jisung paused, as if you were going to say something, almost as if he was expecting you to say those three words back. “I love you okay? You don’t have to say it back but I want you to know.”
Swiping at your eyes, you shook your head. “I know Jisung.”
“Good.” He said, thumb coming to your eyes ready to wipe away the small trickle of tears that suddenly appeared. “I need to know that, I need my space though. I realized that I could be angry with you forever but after this… after seeing someone so close to me die, I realized that life is too short to be angry with you.” It seemed that both Jisung and his girl best friend had come to see that. The two of them coming to easily forgive both you and Hyunjin. “But I need my space.” He reaffirmed.
You nodded. “I understand.”
That made a small, gentle smile grace his lips. “Thank you.” He pressed his forehead against yours, leaning against you, almost as if he was going to kiss you. Part of you, the selfish part, had wished that he did. Instead, lips met your forehead, lips pressing there as he cupped your face. “I promise when I know you’re ready, you’ll hear those words again. I will tell you and you’ll be ready to say them back. But for now…”
His words trailed away, and you nodded again. You understood. You knew why he would have to guard his heart, you knew that there was a reasoning behind this, but most importantly, you knew why Jisung had been acting the way he did. He loved you. The thought alone could have made you burst into tears had you not already been crying. His thumb came to brush the stray tears away, reassuring you once more with a single kiss that he did indeed love you. Then he was pulling away from you, your eyes turning up to stare at him, as he returned to the church where all your friends were gathered.
With one last swipe of your eyes, you sighed. For the first time, in what felt like a lifetime, you were happy. Even despite your dampened eyes, even knowing that you were going home alone and that you stood alone outside of the church. You were happy. Maybe that was the thing about regret. Regret was a learning tool and today of all days it seemed everyone around you was facing their regrets head on. The thought stuck with you as you walked to your car, a smile drawn on your face. You were happy, your mind told you. Yes, indeed you were.
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