#been dealing with personal stuff+work

[reee-ti-naaa]

Happy Friday the 13th to all my mutuals!!!

#rena.txt #mutuals ily #also sorry for the inactivity #been dealing with personal stuff+work #will be back soon enough. i hope #<3 <3 <3

[julykings]

the last bits of 2023

#the last months I’ve mostly been busy with work but can say that I got through my first semester teaching successfully although struggled #along the way. my anxiety is at an all time high + I’m dealing with some medical stuff so I’m just trying to stayyy appreciative of every #day I feel good u kno. ugh. #I’m working on quitting my excessive weed usage lol. otherwise working out and doing pole when I can. #and watching lots of movies and doing lots of art . at least this past week since school is out #personal

[annamaryllis]

I would like to know exactly how luke asking annabeth to run away with him went down.

#annabeth🥺 #it's sad to think about how it'll be so much harder for annabeth to unpack and heal from that relationship bc he's dead #it's hard enough to come to terms with someone you love/held in high esteem hurting you so deeply #but she's also grieving him too so it's even harder to hold him accountable to herself and recognizing the good and the bad #she may struggle to not romanticize the memory of him #sorting through what about their relationship was pure and genuine and what was fueled by other stuff #both of their trauma really played into it in some of the worst ways... #but to even recognize how her trauma played into it she'd have to identify what her trauma even is and how it's affected her life #it's really complex and difficult work #and bc he's gone she'll never get to question him on stuff like what he was thinking at certain points and why #so certain things will never get the best closure #ugh it's all so fucked up #MAYBE SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE EXPLORED IN HOO RICHARD???? BUT NO #and it would have been perfect too bc she'd also be dealing with issues caused by both of her parents triggered by the MoA quest #like her mother's conditional love #and trauma from her mortal family #and her fear of spiders relates to both of these things bc it's a phobia that's passed down from her mom's actions #so she's being punished for something she's not responsible for and also being burdened with a quest simply for being her mother's daughter #and it also represents her mortal family's neglect bc they ignored her needs and all that... #AND THEN the only person she's received actually pure and good unconditional love from was snatched from her for 6 months #and the MoA quest could have been a way to confront some of these fears and wounds...so she's a little stronger by tartarus which #should bring out the best in her and the worst in percy #and then he can work through some stuff too down there #HoO could have been a journey for them where they're undone and then healed #bc at the end of everything they have the medicine to literally everything which is real love (which they have for each other intensely) #the rant I could go on about this...I have so many thoughts about what HoO should have been. maybe one day #annabeth chase #luke castellan #✏️

[gailynovelry]

I think about how so many resources for dealing with a hoarder house situation online come from a perspective of hatred and frustration for the person(s) perpetuating the hoarder situation in the household, and I think to myself. Would perhaps people have better results by treating the hoarder with a modicum of respect and applying harm reduction strategies to the situation? Like with addiction?

The household we live in teeters in a weird spot where multiple rooms (living room, porch, back room, guest room, upstairs bathroom) are slowly being overtaken with storage boxes.

It's not a filled-to-the-brim hoarding situation yet, but if I'm not actively organizing and cautiously removing items, it came become a really frustrating environment to live in. Blocked closets, hallways you have to squeeze through, stuff like that.

Bu I've been trying to find resources for helping someone out of a hoarding mindset, and so much "advice" approaches the person having the mindset with distaste.

"The problem with hoarders is that they don't think it's a problem!"

That's usually because they see the hoarding as a solution to some other problem, like resource insecurity, or compensating for memory loss via keepsakes. Maybe we should take those fears seriously and help them dismantle it all on their own terms?

#hoarding #decluttering #cleaning #look the fact that i can move stuff and judiciously get rid of stuff now makes this situation WAY better than it used to be #and part of that was yes asserting some boundaries #but another part of it was . . . not being a dick to the person who is filling the house with stuff #approaching them gently with our own concerns like #hey i'm having trouble navigating this hallway can i move some stuff #hey i noticed this thing was broken to the point of unrepairability can i junk it #you want to keep a piece from the broken thing? sure! at least that's less stuff to deal with than before #like we still have the issue of more stuff coming into the household from spending trips but baby steps; we can work on that next #part of the thing is that people don't confront the situation until it gets fully unlivable for them #so it's like. snap. from the hoarder's perspective you have gone from zero to a hundred #and from your perspective you have been drowning in stuff for so long and your thrashing instincts are kicking in #but you have to take it piece by piece; not all at once

[isfjmel-phleg]

🌋

#random personal stuff #personal whining ahead feel free to ignore #it's sinking in that the increase in the displaying of these 'jokes' at work is related to our boss no longer being here #it can't have been a coincidence that the picture in the inbox went back on top the very day we threw her her goodbye party #apparently this man thinks that she was the one who was pushing back against the nonsense? #and maybe she was - I don't know what went on between them #(though I always got the impression that she seemed a bit afraid of him for whatever reason and just let him do whatever most of the time) #but I'm tired of having to put up with this and angry at the situation in general #and I really will go and talk with the VP of Academic Affairs once I can get some advice from my communications major friend #so I can avoid just walking into her office and exploding #(I don't understand this I don't understand why he feels the need to display these images in the office & always about this now-completely- #irrelevant topic and even if it were relevant the 'jokes' are juvenile and mean-spirited and I know he thinks he's doing the Lord's work in #picking the kinds of books that he does but tell me exactly how this garbage is the Lord's work and what he thinks he's accomplishing with #this other than making himself look petty and giving me further cause for frustration because it isn't just the stupid pictures it's the #pervasive attitude behind them that I have had to deal with for years now and I wish I were a different person so I could get right in his #face and tell him that this is unacceptable and expect to be heard and regarded)

[sundropglass]

I’m starting on getting support for my trauma finally. This is kind of a big deal to me because alongside my belief of never getting out of they household(which I finally did), I also stubbornly believed that I’d never get help ever because I couldn’t imagine a life for me where it’d be safe to start talking about things.

And um, thats been well beaten into my brain these past four years with my mom anyway. That I should never talk because it has consequences and she Will know if I have, and I was destroying the family with lying and spreading toxicity and also I’ll kill her and dad by doing so

But I’m doing it now. I didnt even mean to get therapy, I went in to get my meds refilled and came out with appointments scheduled and put on a waitlist that’ll hopefully send me into more specialized care

?????

#all in the UK which i previously thought id have to deal with no meds no help???? #turns out things can work out ????????? #the explain your backstory generally thing was kinda rough and i used big words and said stuff ive been on the fence about for a long time #but dont worry ill just tell her that I Made It All Up hahaha shit im so scared #anyway yeah #personal diary

[whatudottu]

You know, sitting here thinking about TFP humanformers I have rather found it difficult to come up with an idea for a human Predaking, seeing as how his entire schtick as a predacon lead him to being depersonified and marked as a beast before folks realised he could transform.

I mean, these are just humanformer ideas based on Predaking KEEPING his canonical treatment rather than making Predaking and changing the dynamics that way. It does involve some uh... dehumanisation under the cut to keep with the theme, so keep in mind if you DO read, but those parts are mainly in the 'struggling to come up with a concept that isn't racist' section.

The first ideas that I had for him would probably to make him into a super soldier, and sure it works but- if you attempt to 'discipline' a super soldier the way Starscream tried to do so with a predacon's beast mode, I think you'll be walking away with broken shins (aka not walking at all). Another idea was to bring a fucked up 'shockwave inspired' element that would lead to the amp 'beast' comparisons to be made, but the more 'beastman' version of this idea is VERY DELICATE to work with (read: comparing a human to an animal is VERY HISTORICALLY and still PRESENTLY a not great thing to do) but also doesn't quite FEEL that predacon to me; predacons are emphasised to be ANCIENT not that they are extant animals, so if Shockwave has done anything to beastify a human I think insecticons may be that unit of humans.

No, I think that for a human to be considered a beast without being racist about it would be to turn predacons from 'animals' to 'monsters', to Frankenstein's monsters. Though I thought of I think a vague Frankenstein comparison before, I will bring up that many others have also seen some modern Prometheus allegories between Shockwave and Predaking. I was mainly inspired by my [insert number here] rewatch of OSP's Frankenstein episode and especially the particular eye colour Adam was depicted with, but the basic idea of being a dead person brought back to life with the best pieces carefully selected by someone wholly dedicated to the craft of science (irrespective of Frankenstein's dropout status) plus how the monster is almost universally feared? Come on, this is the 'in' I needed if I wanted to keep the general fear of the unknown with Predaking and the Decepticon High Command.

And what better show to introduce a character that is this compilation of ancient human DNA and real corpse than a show that has previously introduced ZOMBIES and will later introduce VAMPIRES!?

If Shockwave shows up, after 3 seasons worth of knowing what a zombie is and that it's a real possible thing to happen - in addition to the fact your own fucking leader stuck a shard of 'zombie making' juice into his chest/bloodstream/whatever the humanformers version of Megan would do - with a creature visibly made up of the dead with eyes of something very non-human, would you welcome them with open arms? Adam Frankenstein certainly wasn't, not even from his own dad which Predaking can at least attest to actually having SOME sort of decent relationship with Shockwave.

In a way, it modifies the predacon fossil scavenger hunt to be 'global graverobbers' which in a humanformers setting might actually be 'go to this great battle and recover the bones of not only our but our enemies bones to provide a human base' which could EMPHASISE the monstrosity of Predaking's nature as a melting pot of old friends and foe mashed together into one fucked up super soldier. In a canon parallel this mixture of gene sequences and cadavers would still influence Knock Out and Starscream to think turning the corpse of C.Y.L.A.S. into their own super soldier would still be a good idea, having something else besides the dark 'energon' (if it is not still energon) fuck up the experiment and make a tech-modified human into some kinda fucked up vampire. Heck, with this old post of mine comparing the looks of the new predacons to the two big blue (dead) bots, this humanformers concept for Predaking can persist and continue to be used by Shockwave to create Skylynx and Darksteel, not made of battles long passed but of the freshest bodies the scientist would have access to.

But I guess canonically there has only ever been 2 zombie hordes throughout the entirety of TFP, if you consider the horde in Thirst to be very hungry vampire thralls instead (considering they were killed rather than revived, I'd place them under 'vampire'), so perhaps not a lot of bots can go 'this is terrifying' and not a lot of evidence that Shockwave can gather about why they are at this level of hesitancy; it's not a simple fear of the unknown, it's the type of fear from experience. But I have a trick up my sleeve!

BOOM, Altered Loyalties baby; human edition, of course.

This might deserve it's own post but essentially, a humanformers 'Shockwave's Monster' Predaking would have a lot more precedence for being a Unicron made monstrosity if the threat of Unicron damned creatures exist as a background constant. A threat to base verse to their position on Earth, a threat in humanformers because the dead outnumber them. All the while, Shockwave stands beside a being created from those very same dead that may or may not have risen from the corruption of WHATEVER it is within the Earth's core, only to announce this is a very new SUPER SOLDIER!? Zombies are one thing with their durability and their hordes, but this creature - this DEMON - stands there with advance agility, enhanced endurance, and superior strength!?

To later find that it - that HE - is not merely a walking corpse, but an intellectual, sends shivers even down Megatron's spine. Megatron, the head of one of the last remaining shreds of humanity, staring at the undead being not only made to be harder, better, faster, stronger than him, but capable of intelligence in much the same way as the poetic ex-gladiator.

He WILL NOT go extinct.

#predaking #tfp predaking #this is mostly a talk about him even with the passing mention of others #transformers #tfp #humanformers #maccadam #i did want to mention that there might have been ideas scraping at the edge of racism because well: they kinda did #ask to tag #but otherwise they were indeed just a part of the thinking process in 'how do i dehumanise a person without making it an animal thing' #boom bang supernatural shit that shockwave somehow scientifically got to #i think it would be some version of fucked up organ donation in combination with 'mysterious science' stuff #like predaking probably looks like multiple different folk both con and bot might recognise #but it's not as if shockwave just used the pieces AS IS it's probably just a gene base for cloning #predaking (and other predacons) probably all have the non-human eyes and even tho shockwave is just utterly desperate as a scientist to fin #that confounding variable causing the eye colour- ultimately since it isn't actively detrimental to performance outside of other's percepti #(something shockwave couldn't even be bothered to care about one let alone less) #he'd kinda let that be until he eventually finds out a routes out that probable cause #but this was a huge ramble on how i'd probably deal with a humanformers predaking #under the assumption that i keep the dynamics the same and just adding details (that could work if not similarly to the main version) #and hope the brief mention of racism is enough of an explanation as to WHY i didn't go with some ideas

[nyehilismwriting]

Just curious, but were Sentinel and Project Hadea both intended to be IFs from the start? Or were they novels that you eventually adapted to IF format? I also recall you mentioning you had a high fantasy piece in the works - will you ever share that on here? 👀 (Sorry for the barrage of questions!! Honest to God not trying to be invasive, just feeling incredibly inquisitive during this dry spell ;~;)

sentinel was kind of a patchwork of a couple of different projects that weren't originally IFs, but then I realised would lend themselves well to the format.

hadea was absolutely conceived as an IF from the beginning (the killing rohan choice was baked in as one of the very first core concepts, before any of the characters really even had names or personalities) and I don't think would work as a novel, since the variation is a bit too entrenched. I think it would be doing a disservice to the story to make it a linear novel (which sounds pretentious but yknow), and i have sort of considered which route i would make Canon if I were to do that and not come up with an answer lol.

the novel is.....she's in developmental limbo atm, I wrote her in like 2019 and never redrafted her and there's some things I would like to change and edit but I never do... she was the first thing I wrote after probably about 10 years of not writing anything, ever, and was written in a single feverish month so i'm sure you can imagine there's. Things To Fix. but i put it down for a long time and while i occasionally pick it up again and do some little touches there is a perfectionistic part of me that thinks I'm a much better writer now and it would be better to just rewrite it from scratch, which is a big undertaking and something I don't have the time or energy for, so now it just kind of sits in my documents for me to open, sigh wistfully at, and close again.

#i have been thinking about her again tho. miss my terrible gays #i have also veered away from writing high fantasy as a genre in the past few years but...never say never #as a Creator i am pretty inconsistent i do tend to pick stuff up work on it obsessively then put it down. sometimes for years at a time #but there are a handful of projects i always come back to #anon #also no worries abt the questions<33 kissing u on the mouth #i know it's been a dry spell here i promise i am still working on the update i'm just. slow #working a draining full time job dealing w personal stuff. u know. the usual #but i appreciate everyone sticking around mwah mwah

[pennielane]

in my brief absence from here i’ve managed to fall in love with a man 11 years older than me

#i think i'm in my dear john era so pray for me #no but actually i've mostly been gone because my best friend is going through some really really terrible personal stuff and i've just been #Supporting Her #and also work has been busy (but good! yay!) #and yes #this 11-years-older-than-me man #he is my coach for a sport i do and i am.....in love (she says while she actually barely knows him) #(and she says while he barely knows of her existence [he DOES know i exist but there are so many of us he coaches so i'm sure i'm just one #face to him dlsiahfih;vdd]) #anyway tell me this...i'm late 20s and he's late 30s so is it....REALLY that bad #......??? #(yeah it's probably not ideal) #(i've been soliciting advice from my friends and they say i have the soul of a 100 year old so 11 years my senior isn't that bad but i still #think it's not....the most ideal) #no but i actually never crush on people so this is a Big Deal for me which is why i'm spiralling about it even though it will never amount #to anything :) #(anyway sorry for trauma dumping but hi! happy to be back on here)

[katandsquad]

.

#my ex and i broke up 4 1/2 months ago #we tried to stay friends #he even started working at the same company as ne #just a different store #on the 4th we went no contact #i'm having a hard time dealing with it rn #we still care for each other but he is too unstable at the moment #he has been lying to me a lot #just so he could avoid trouble #he is in a rapid cycle rn and has almost no control over the stuff he is doing #he told me that he is not recognizing himself rn #as angry and hurt as i am/was #i'm very lonely lately #it makes me angry #i've been fine for 4 months now #now i'm becoming lonely #i'm sick and I just miss the cuddles and comfort of another person #i feel so stupid #just needed to get this out

[jamietarttsnorthernattitude]

The last day at work when you won’t be back for two weeks is stressfullllllllllll.

#not even for fun reasons #two vacation days #well those two are fun #then two different off-site training #stressing out this non wfh person #but I’ll still be working each night bc I have no full time coverage #personal stuff #vague rants #I can’t even get ahead bc my main work is dealing with new clients that come each day #and missing cpr/first aid training which I was actually looking forward to this year #you know for fan fic reasons #we have to take it every year but this is the first year I’ve been writing lol

[thethingything]

do you ever write out a post and then remember the reading comprehension on this site is abysmal and you can practically feel the potential shitty comments and think "actually no this isn't worth it"

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #there are these posts about accessibility and tone tags and the way people use trigger warnings on discord and stuff like that #and one of them is like ''the way people spoiler triggers on discord is wrong and doesn't actually help and you shouldn't do it like that'' #and it's been like. the exact form of warning that worked for us when the ''correct'' way wouldn't have actually helped at all #I haven't seen the posts in a while but I've seen some of them multiple times before and they always piss me off #and I just fucking want people to realise that people have different access needs #yes that format of warning or tone tag or whatever might not work for you but your experiences aren't universal #and it'd be shitty for me to say that formatting it in a way that works for you is wrong just because it doesn't work for me #but that fucking goes both ways #but I just know if I actually posted the very carefully worded post I typed up about it someone would take it in the worst possible faith #''don't spoiler the word in the warning and don't only spoiler that word and none of the rest of the text'' #what if the word itself is the fucking trigger. what if I need you to leave the rest of the text unspoilered so I can figure out what it is #without actually having to see the word because I can back out and avoid a panic attack as long as I don't see the word itself #this isn't even a hypothetical this is something we had to deal with last year #and discord servers with that specific format were the only places we could guarantee we'd be able to avoid being triggered by it

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[fembutchboygirl]

I just learned something so incredibly fucked up

#i am trembling #i cannot let this enable my issues with paranoia further! haha! oh my fucking god #im not joking btw im literally physically trembling. how did this happen oh god oh GOD nononono dont let it get to you #i just need to know. was someone like. double dealing? was someone telling him about it #i wouldnt give a shit if they were stalking me online occasionally (well id care a little bit but honestly itd just be kinda fucked) #but if someone was telling him about me and my personal stuff? #stop. i dont want to think about it. i dont want to think it happened. i have to get this out of my head #but still. absolutely fucking deranged. #ESPECIALLY bc apparently he's been saying i “made him think he was abusive'' and that doing that was shitty of me bc he actually #just has bpd?????? #sol if you're reading this listen closely: one of my best friends has bpd. diagnosed and everything. so shut the fuck up #much like you've been saying i blamed my adhd for being neglectful (read: not meeting your sky-high standards for Truly Loving You 24/7) #you cannot blame your bpd for what a shit person you've been #repeatedly asking you to work on a flaw that's been hurting me is not telling you you're abusive you fucking prick #get a life‚ learn to care about other people away from what they can do for YOU‚ #and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. #p.s. imagine being mad that people who were friends with both you and your partner didnt suddenly cut the other one off after you broke up #like actually angry at these people. what the actual fuck. you're like a divorced parent upset that their child still talks to their ex-wife #my posts

[aropride]

i have therapy tmrw and im scared ☹️ i dont want to talk about and process my feelings i want to lie in bed and feel scared

#text #neg #like the two things on mymind currently have been housing for school + The Trauma #and the second i dont really want to work through in therapy bc i feel like itll bring up too much stuff that i dont want to have to #live at home while im remembering and dealing with. and the first im sick of thinking about and i want to ignore it but i CANT #i have to email the disability dept back . and i have to figure out if i should respond to one of my roommates who reached out #who is apparently an awful person . which is really cool and fine #and like #if i dont get a single room and especially if i have to room with that person #i dont think i want to live on campus #but i dont want to live at home #and if i live at home i'll have to take online classes #which has historically never once worked out for me #but if i drop out. then i have to get a job #NONE OF THESE ARE GOOD OPTIONS. i feel like an animal backed into a corner #ears flattened. hissing. baring my teeth. etc

[blue-bird-lamentation]

This is just a sketch about the dream i had last night.

I was seeing everything as if it was Yu's POV and it was pretty much souyo. For some reason Yosuke was leaving town or something and he never spoke inside the dream. Yu felt like he had to tell Yosuke how important he was to him and how he liked him a lot, and Yosuke would stare at him with affection. They were wearing the epilogue outfits.

In a way it almost felt like it was a role reversal, but on the other i think it was just my mind projecting lol

Anyways, it was super sweet and sappy and i had the picture so visible in my mind, Yu crying on Yosuke's lap, that i really really wanted to draw it.

I'm just leaving this as a sketch for now, since i remember this better today and lots of fresh thoughts about it, but i want to eventually improve the poses and colour it.

Man, i woke up so well from that dream (not only souyo but for a moment i thought i could be as tall and handsome as Yu Narukami lmao, need to go back fr).

It also feels kinda silly and lame, but at least it gave me one new idea. I spent the whole day thinking about how i wanted to sketch this, but i had other obligations

#souyo #personal #my drawings #locking rbs cause i want to finish this first and post a clean version #but i also felt like i needed to share this today and to remind me to work on this again later #I've been dealing well with not stressing too much about drawing but i have more ideas than time to make them and 😖😖 #in this poses i have no fucking idea how to draw his hair it's so painful.... #so mentally ill about them lol 😂ni have more stuff to do 😭