#both of these feelings in regards to the past are ones i experience and consequentially im feeling them abt bionicle too

[randomwriteronline]

Ko-Wahi was a short variety of generally not necessarily pleasant things: it was desolate, cold, harsh, and - when the winds didn't rush after one another through the icy peaks with low howling shrieks, cutting through the frigid aether like claws of an enormous Rahi reaching out to grasp any wayward Matoran foolish enough to dare wander in its territory - it was abnormally quiet.

So it reasoned that if Kopaka, Toa of Ice and Hating Being Around People, was not found anywhere else, he had to have secluded himself to a place that at the very least resembled the environment he had first felt at home in.

He didn't even flinch at the rush of air that accompanied the stomps which suddenly stopped by his side.

"You're late," he only commented.

The jovial jab Pohatu had ready for him froze in his throat, and he tilted his head slightly in genuine confusion: "Late?" he repeated.

"I expected you to be here five minutes ago," Kopaka replied.

"You were expecting... Me?"

"Of course I was," the other replied matter-of-factly: "If there's something I can depend on, it's the fact you'll chase me down to the ends of the silver sea just because."

The Toa of Stone blinked quickly a few times, eventually smirking back: "And if there's something I can depend on, it's that I'll always find you somewhere snowy and deserted."

He then leaned a little closer and proceeded to add, in a goofier tone: "Like your heart."

The gentle elbow punted in his side made him snicker as he successfully evaded it the first time; he cackled a bit louder when the second jab actually hit.

His friend did not dignify his amusement with any verbal response. Instead, he extended his finger.

Pohatu followed where it was pointing, staring at the same vast expanse of white he had just sped through (luckily without having to skid through any frozen snow - perhaps one of the very few things he certainly did not miss about the island of Mata Nui), and found nothing.

At first.

His pinprick pupils, so used to the desert sun, struggled a little more, trying to tighten even harder or widen ever so slightly: even with the clouds shielding his eyes from the sunbeams turned blinding as they were reflected on the candid coat of snow, the uniformity of the colors confused and unified all that supposedly existed before him with only few exceptions. There was snow, snow, snow, more snow, a leftover Visorak web, even more snow, another patch of snow, something looking vaguely disgusting half covered in snow, some more snow, a lance of light reflected from a point just outside the clouds' range, a vast amount of snow, a smaller amount of snow, snow, snow, and one last puff of snow over there. Riveting!

But Kopaka seldom pointed at nothing at all just to stretch out his finger; and once he truly focused on the exact location he was indicating, Pohatu saw.

He saw a jagged thing, sharp end splintered and jutting towards the sky like a blade, ever so slightly greyer than the pallor surrounding it; he saw its missing half laying mournfully among the powdery ground, defeated, cracked, open wide.

He saw its entrails, eroded by the weather, far too small to properly distinguish one object from the other from this distance - still they glittered grey and blue in the lack of color as if to remind in silent screams of their existence, once, as tools and furniture and inventions of scholars, before they'd found themselves abandoned in the wake of their master's leave as strange crystalline gore only partially hidden away in the haste of a half hearted burial.

He saw dozens of the jagged corpse's kind - once pillars, columns, immense bastions, now nothing more than ruins. Enormous animals frozen in place, never to thaw awake once more.

He saw frail, beautiful exoskeletons awaiting with such tiredness to be crushed, replaced by larvae in the bowels of which knowledge would thrive.

The wind passed between them without strength, not even lifting a snowflake.

"Breath-taking, isn't it," Kopaka murmured.

Pohatu nodded in silence.

They simply stood there for a long time, side by side, looking upon the carcasses of Ko-Metru's knowledge towers.

Looking upon what was left of a city of legends.

There had never been a Matoran called Kopaka, in the Turaga's tales.

He had never competed with Ehrye as they rushed to run errands for the seers in the hopes of one day being allowed to stand beside them at the top of those magnificent crystal constructions, spending days pondering and reading stars, uncovering the secrets of the future to the point of turning the very idea of tomorrow into such a mundane thing; he had never known Nuju, never looked at him with awe, or respect, or burning envy. He had never walked those streets, or skied down those slopes, or travelled to the Colosseum inside of a protodermis chute.

And yet he had found his chest aching as he had listened to those descriptions, from a nostalgia that wasn't his own. As though Vakama and his stories had handed him a coal that had long singed the Turaga's hand, still weakly sizzling, that now burned his palm in turn.

Mata Nui had been all he'd ever known as far as he was concerned. There had been nothing before; and if there had been, it wasn't the land the Matoran had been forced away from.

Yet despite knowing as much, despite the attempts to soothe the dull pain that had no place in his logical mind, in the long last hours he'd gotten to spend on the chiling peaks surrounding Mount Ihu the Toa of Ice had been unable to keep himself from wandering away from the material world into absentminded daydreams, trying to construct a memory that had never been there, a life he had never lived.

He had imagined Ko-Metru many times. He had imagined Metru Nui as a whole many times, the orderly archives, the silvery canals, the smoky furnaces, the dangling cables, the unmoving statues - a world for smaller eyes (like his never had been) to see. He had imagined the Colosseum, its inner mechanisms, even the Vahki guards, despite their presence being nothing but an annoyance at best and a source of uneasiness and dread and outright danger at worst. He had imagined himself getting in trouble with them often - who would they have been, to tell him what to do? What made them any different from a Bohrok?

He had imagined them often, but he had never seen them. Never whole. Never alive.

As he stared at what remained of a city of seers, he ached to have been there. Maybe he would have understood better. Maybe it would have hurt more. Maybe it would have felt more like home.

But would he have noticed? Any of the beauty, the lack of strife? Would he have liked a life such as this, spent either pondering on who knows what, or reading pages of history before they were even written, or running around tirelessly for people who did both former and latter? Would this sight have stirred something deep in him now, or would his amnesia have kept his feelings at a distance?

His chest hurt. Something inside it ached terribly, pushing hard against his muscle and metal, like a fish suddenly rushing to break the still frozen surface of a lake in a bout of claustrophobia.

He felt strange, uncomfortable.

Like something misplaced.

Kopaka's eyes wandered over the crystal towers, suddenly overwhelmed. He let out a shuddering, watery breath, as quiet as he could.

He needed not worry about being heard.

Pohatu was too enthralled by the sight before them to notice his momentary frailty.

He gazed on, unable to tear his his eyes from what his brother regarded as an enormous grave he could not mourn properly, and beheld only a thing of beauty.

It was not the vast expanse of Po-Wahi's desert, nor the infinite lushness of Le-Wahi's jungles, the burnt forests of Ta-Wahi, the Ga-Wahi reefs, the cavernous labyrinths of Onu-Wahi - it could not even compare to the frigid landscape of Ko-Wahi despite all their similarities, and he could tell from a first glance.

Ko-Metru and its siblings could have never been what the Koro of Mata Nui had been - they were not a breathing nook interwoven in the world around them: they were carefully constructed bubbles, encased, entrapped within themselves, the wild nature that once had run through it tamed carefully only to cry out despite its weakened form once the binds upon it had been snapped to pieces and left to rot.

It was not beautiful in the way he knew a land to be; it was not open and grand to the point of being frightening. It was shut on itself, broken, a pale imitation of what it had been.

And yet he found it all so gorgeous.

It had embarrassed him at first - not feeling. Remaining still and unfazed as the Turaga had longingly described what the Toa of Stone should have regarded as home, a field of statues tirelessly carved by artisans of his people. He had struggled to imagine it properly, managing only hazy scorches of some undefined place, like a mirage in the desert; and hearing his brothers and sisters wonder aloud, so curious, of how they would have expected their Metru to be, he'd been all but mortified at his own lackluster enthusiasm.

Had he really grown so self centered? All the world seemed to feel as though it had only started existing with his birth upon that fateful shore.

A city of legends on the other side of the sea... He could not have ever pictured it.

But now he was there, walking upon its streets, traveling across its lands, and it looked nothing like it had been described: it looked shattered and lost, and broken, and rusted, and standing still where it had once stood so proud and shining only to spite the cruelty of time that wanted it to bend and turn leveled.

Pohatu had lost himself between scattered remains of monumental statues, details sanded down until unrecognizable, or filled with what little life could make its home in such a crevice. He has searched between the broken Kanohi nobody had ever melted down again, seeing his and his siblings' likenesses over and over and over and over, he had followed broken cables back to the towers from which they had once served a purpose, raced along empty canals to make a sense of them, peeked into tunnels the roofs of which had been torn open like dissected anthills.

Metru Nui had never been whole, not for him.

It had always been this gorgeous wreck, this beautiful ruined landscape. He could not imagine it as anything less; he could not see it as anything mournful, or dead, or ugly.

Each toppled building was where it should have been. Each destroyed spire was exactly as the Great Spirit had intended it to be.

Such a frail, stubborn, lovely, wild thing.

A tragedy and a celebration.

Glowing brighter than the twin suns with every ounce of its incomplete, breath-taking beauty.

Kopaka felt something tug very gently at his arm. When he turned, he noticed Pohatu still hadn't taken his eyes away from the shimmering remains of the towers.

"Did you want to show me this?" the Toa asked, quietly, quietly.

His friend looked back to the sight before them and swallowed a heavy knot in his throat: "I did," he replied.

The grip on his limb tightened ever so slightly.

Comfortingly.

"Thank you." Pohatu whispered.

Kopaka did not answer.

They looked on.

#bionicle #pohatu #kopaka #metru nui #random writing #second hand nostalgia vs finding beauty in ruins: fight (the opponents start kissing each other tenderly) #in other news hi ive read 7 bionicle books in abt a month and im not even remotely mentally stable about these guys #both of these feelings in regards to the past are ones i experience and consequentially im feeling them abt bionicle too #it was never properly alive for me so im entranced by the story and the works and the fans and everything as someone from After It Happened #but at the same time i feel an ache to have been there at the beginning even though i physically couldnt have been #anyways sorry if stuff is ooc. i love these two lads but ive never written for em before #big shoutout to my friend rabid. i love you. thank you for letting the Fleshy Annotations swallow me whole

[fipindustries]

critical missive

dedicated to @cryptovexillologist

oh boy arent we in a fine pickle now?

usually i enjoy talking openly and bluntly about my opinions on whatever the last thing i read is, safe and secure in the knowledge that the author will most likely never stumble on my measily 700 followers tumblr blog, so i am free to express my opinion to my heart’s content knowing that no feelings will get hurt. 

mission critical would be no different except i talked with the author and read their acknoledgement and the AMA they did on discord after writing the story and they have endeared themselves thoroughly to me so my language will have to be neutered, at least for the first half of this excercise. afterwards things will get a bit harsher but i’ll try to rest at ease in the knowledge that we seem to be kindred spirits and i would be delighted in hearing any kind of criticism of my work either positive or negative. 

ok, enough coaching done, lets go on to what i thought of this novel.

it is a delightful romp, as i said before, the worldbuilding is understated and realistic with enough glimpses of depth and detail to suggest a much larger picture. this world feels inhabited, lived in, like it was well chewed on for long by the author before putting pen to paper. consequentially the characters that arose from this world feel like they belong, they feel like real people with real lifes. by far the strongest sections of the book were the flashbacks to their lives before the plot started. their voices, regretably, do sound very similar when interacting with each other but in their own sections the characters shine in their charm and cleverness. every time one of their flashbacks ended i was left with the intrigue and the desire to know how their particular story would continue.

the terra ignota influences are very noticeable, the world and its people carry the same kind of almost childlike positivity and innocence, the same kind of cheerful, happy go lucky trust in human progress and the great project of humanity for the future with the same sobering forlorn attitude towards the horrors of the past.

on top of that its silly, gosh in heaven it is silly. it has moments of cringe, in the best of ways. strange slapdash bits of flavor, immature non sequiturs, small indulgences from the author’s own weird interests and dumb meme humor. i do love me my awkward corners in a book, after all it is those that make something unique. there is a clear personality poking through and it is a delightful personality to meet.

i cant help but like this almost more for the context in which it was written than for the content itself, it was done during quarentine as a way to both stave off cavin fever and to process the author’s feelings regarding their gender identity. as someone who also wrote a story where i almost deliberatly tried to trick my self into breaking my own egg and who turned madly towards creative endeavors to survive the pandemic i can sympathize strongly with this. i am really happy that the author got to do this and kickstarted a project towards a big, possibly decades spanning trilogy.

so, yeah, those were the nice things i had to say, if you are content enough with that you can stop here but if you are curious to know more, well... you can

in short: it is a bit of a mess. again, im willing to be lenient, considering the way in which this was worked on, this is very much a really early first draft. the second half of this story was a very slow and very boring trudge towards a sudden end.

first, the fact that the flashbacks and the worldbuilding bits are the strongest part of this story means the actual plot itself suffers from being fairly boring and generic. “astronauts explore alien planet, find spooky stuff there” was already old hat by the 50′s. it is a plot so worn down and archetypical that it really cant survive if that is literally all you are going to do with it, and that is kind of all that this book does. i did mention moments of flavor and strange self indulgence. we needed way more of those. yes thats right, im saying that this story was not self indulgent enough. when you have such a well trodden plot such as this, worn down to the point that it becomes paint by the numbers, we need quirky, we need cringe, we need strange excess and personality. the author mentioned that they would love to see some of the weirder alexandria fan fics, well so do i! be the miracle you want to see in the world! the moments alexandria debated if wether identifying as a trilateral were amazing but they were not enough. we have a great structure here but lets put some proper meat on these bones, some proper fat and skin, some clown make up and a weird novelty hat and outrageous clown shoes. im getting carried away here, lets get back to the point.

the other problem is  there is not a clear trajectory for the story here, no well defined moment of climax and the emotional beats tend to fall a bit flat or to come out of nowhere. there are emotional crisis which i sort of missed or didnt get where they came from. the characters act in ways that are hard to relate to  that come off as stilted. the way they conduct themselves through the mission felt at times weirdly unprofessional and like it didnt follow much of a logical throughline, and when i say logical i dont meant “i wanted the characters to act hyperrational at all times” i mean i want the characters to act in ways that make human sense. ironically the one character that acted a bit too human for my tastes was the AI. alexandria is an interesting character but i feel that the place to explore that idea is not in the middle of an incredibly important mission where having your mainframe experience a crisis might not be the most practical thing in the world.

the ending was jarringly sudden, i didnt feel there was a proper resolution and finishing it off with flashbacks to the time the characters were training was... odd. i reached the last line and it felt like the story had just decided to stop without ever having reached anything that came even close to the third act. all of this can be easily fixed with some concientious editing and a complete rearrangement of the different sections of this story.

all in all a great first step in what i hope will be a long career as a writer.

#mission critical #it was nice #if a bit flawed

[caiuscassiuss]

Dalliance in Drudgery (CEO/ Boss! Jaehyun) (M)

Description: He pulled you in like a moth to a flame, and you were about to get burned. 

escalation ver. of CEO! NCT series

Genre: (featuring Secretary! you and Boss! Jaehyun) angst | fluff | humor WC: 4.6k Warnings: graphic smut, profanity

_______________________________________________________________________

Jaehyun, even in his business dealings, was magnetic.

His slight smile and handsome face first drew a person’s eyes to him, then his charismatic mannerisms caught their attention, but his voice —a deep, throaty tenor— never failed to enthrall any listener.

You quickly jotted notes as the board members wrapped up the meeting, careful to catch every word spoken. Everyone stood up from their chairs at the table but Jaehyun’s height towered over everyone else’s, yet another card of the natural allure he had in spades. His eyes swept over to capture yours as you waited patiently behind him to finish up shaking hands. Through your brief glance, you warned him to wrap up the meeting quickly as you had another one in 15 minutes. He seemed to get the message when he sped up, and both of you left the oak-paneled room first.

“What is next, Miss Y/L/N?”

His lips fascinated you. They were plump and well shaped, and whenever your boss opened his mouth to speak they dripped with enticement.

“Mr. Seo’s merger with the shipping branch, sir,” you avoided his eyes while looking at the tablet clutched in your hands. From the beginning of your employment, you found it difficult to maintain direct eye contact with the man, contrasting to your usual confident demeanor. You did not believe eyes were the window to the soul, no; however, his unwavering focus unnerved you, because it felt like he was stripping back the layers of your soul to bare you to his gaze.

“Ah, of course.”

Your heels made a satisfying click click click noise on the marble tiles of the lobby as the two of you walked to the doors of the office building to exit. Seeing as there was no doorman, you moved to open the door for your boss. As soon as you were about to grip the silver handle, a warm hand covered yours.

“Allow me,” Jaehyun murmured softly from behind you.

He opened the door easily, and his rippling suit hinted at the powerful muscles underneath. You thanked him quietly, your voice now a bit lower and deeper, rougher in texture than you expected, and stepped out into the cloudy day. His calloused touch was still burning on your fingertips.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Mr. Jung, would you like coffee or tea at the moment? You seem quite fatigued,” your voice broke the smooth tap tap tap noises of his keyboard, and he looked up from his desktop. You had come out of your office to drop off some files in need of signing, but Jaehyun’s tired visage prompted your concern.

Jaehyun stopped and leaned his elbows on the table, and rubbed his face. His shoulders slumped down tiredly, then he sighed. The stress of a month end closing and a new merger deal along with a bunch of other things was weighing heavily on his rather broad shoulders. Consequentially, you had a heavier workload also and you were barely coping as it was with the influx of activity.

“That would be great, please. Gao Shan would be wonderful,” he yawned and stood up, stretching the sinuous muscles you were sure he had. The Tom Ford ensemble you had helped pick out a few weeks ago rippled in the delaying sunlight, the silk reflecting its warmth. In turn, it gave his silhouette an ethereal glow that made him seem like some unattainable epitome of perfection.

You bent down put down your files on his coffee table, and he turned towards you. You shivered from his intense scrutiny on your backside, but quickly got out the elaborately decorated canister the expensive tea leaves were located in. While waiting for the water to heat up, you picked up the files from the coffee table and went to hand it to him. Meanwhile, his gaze never wavered from you. Your heels were muffled against the velvety carpet as you strode through Jaehyun.

“These are the contracts I just received from Vermidelli regarding the outsourcing of the computer chip manufacturing. Our legal team has went over this, and just require your approval for it to go through,” you pointed out.

“Thank you Miss Y/L/N.” Did this man ever let up from his charm? The times he called you “Miss Y/L/N” made your knees weak, and you just wanted to…

No. There was a reason why you were here, and it was not to lust over the man in front of you.

“One of the pending clauses—” the whistle of the kettle interrupted you.

“Excuse me for a moment, sir.”

Once again you could feel his eyes on you as you stirred in the tea leaves. You wish it were his hands that replaced his stare, so they could rove over your body and never, ever let up.

Your skirt and blouse suddenly felt tight, and it was definitely not of the air conditioning.

_______________________________________________________________________

Gossip around the office was that you were the longest lasting secretary in forever. Whispers reached your ear— Mr. Jung fired Miss Young earlier this year because she tried to give him a strip tease— oh? I heard Miss Y/L/N is lasting pretty long but she won’t be here for long— Jaehyun laid the HR manager off because she got too touchy— and various things like that.

Yes, you were hired in a hurry. There was only a brief interview before you were selected as the personal secretary of the CEO. At first, you thought it was because of your highly competent skills and valuable experience, and that was partly true. You were a graduate of a good university with a degree in international relations, but you had trouble in finding employment for a female straight out of college. Many said you “weren’t the right fit for the company” or “your particular skill set wasn’t needed” but you could see through their bullshit: you were female. The many rejections forced you to search for a job you were over-qualified for, and this led you to become an administrative assistant.

However, after looking at Jaehyun’s track record with his secretaries, you were sure you were hired because his past secretaries had been extremely… unprofessional.

You really couldn’t fall in love with your boss, because there was no chance in hell he would accept your advances and  would probably fire you on the spot. Besides, it was all so improper; however, Jaehyun was making this goal harder than it needed to be.

_______________________________________________________________________

A few weeks afterwards you, again, had to attend yet another business meeting.

Many soft or accidental brushes were exchanged now since those incidents a few weeks ago.

Your already formidable attraction only grew exponentially. Whenever you were near him, the air between you seemed to vibrate with tension. Even the tiniest of his movements sent shocks of pleasure through your body, and your normal functions were hard to carry out whenever you were near Jaehyun.

The chauffeur’s voice announcing your arrival yanked you out of your thoughts. Jaehyun leaned forward and accidentally laid his hand on your thigh in the effort to steady himself. You blushed heavily and the peaks of your breasts stood to attention.

He seemed to notice after a few seconds and apologized quickly in that lush tenor of his, but the damage was already done. Your lace panties were already permeated with moisture.

The two of you got out of the sleek vehicle you were riding and stepped onto the sidewalk. As usual, his powerful stride was hard to catch up to and just a few steps out, your high-heeled pumps stumbled over a crack. You gasped and pulled your tablet and files to your chest as you prepared to land painfully on the concrete, but two hands steadied you. You felt his hands through your blazer and work skirt, his hand supporting your elbow and lightly brushing your waist. The hair on the back of your neck stood to stood to attention and you gritted your teeth to suppress the shudder you felt going through you. Your hand found purchase of his oxford shirt-covered chest, and you could feel his heat and heartbeat just as well as you could feel his touch on you.

“Are you alright, Miss Y/L/N?”

Somehow, his words asked a lot more.

_______________________________________________________________________

You got home after work. Once, his touches only lingered for a few minutes, but now, they were a constant fixture for a few hours. The warmth of his hands on your arm and waist were still there.

You kicked off your pumps at the door of your apartment, and your aching feet felt the cooling sensation of your wood floors and you sighed with relief. You placed your keys on the counter, work bag on the couch and progressively stripped off your work attire until you were only in your lace bra and silk camisole, leaving a trail of rumpled clothes throughout your house.

After the meeting today, work was frenzied as the preparations for the upcoming merger were being put into place. You were pulled this way and that way, called by everyone from the CFO to the head of the implementation team. Your normally focused and hard working attitude was slightly off kilter because of your boss, and your fellow secretaries noticed. Notes of concern were voiced, while others gave you knowing glances that you desperately wanted to wipe of their faces. They had no right; while they were only exposed to Jaehyun in passing, you were by his side, day by day. They had no goddamn right to smirk at you when you conveyed the words of your boss to them. They had no goddamn right.

You lied in your comfy bed, staring out at the neon lights of the city. You had to get your mind off this man.

You mindlessly flipped through the various TV channels when suddenly the trailer of Fifty Shades of Grey appeared on your screen. The dowdy Anastasia Steele and handsome Christian Grey flickered into your vision and you looked on, hypnotized by their tempestuous dalliance. At the back of your mind, Jaehyun’s face replaced Christian’s, and you—

Click.

You turned the TV off in a hurry, breathing heavily. Why… why were you thinking that?

You rubbed your face, then set down the remote. You laid your head down on your pillow, and wrapped your shivering limbs in your sheets.

The moment you shut your eyes, Jaehyun’s face appeared in your mind. He smirked at you, and the look in his eyes were indescribable. He shifted closer to you until you could smell his cologne.

Trouble, Miss Y/L/N? He breathed seductively.

Your hands, seemingly out your control, slipped down to your panties. You shut your eyes even tighter, and your fingers brushed up upon your clit. You felt the tips of your fingers become coated in wetness as you steepled your fingers into your warmth.

You groaned softly in the silence of your bedroom. If you focused hard enough, you could feel Jaehyun’s broad frame above yours, his fingers replacing yours. He whispered in your ears sensuous and sinful things with that throaty tenor of his, and you rubbed your clit faster and faster and faster.

You reached your release quickly, and your back arched off of the bed and a high pitched whine left your throat. The climax enveloped you in a haze of euphoria and every sensation you felt felt heightened by this high. Your previously needed sheets felt constricting, and the silence of your apartment became deafening. Your chest heaved up and down, the peaks of your breasts prominent through the thin silk of your camisole.

The implications of your fantasy finally came through your bliss-addled brain when you calmed down. Oh no. This was never supposed to happen. Of all the men you could’ve picked to fantasize fucking you, why did it have to be your boss? The most unattainable man in the world? The one you couldn’t and shouldn’t be allowed to be with? Why?

This had to stop.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Mr. Jung?” you called out quietly after knocking on the door.

There was a slight sound of acknowledgement from his desk near the window as Jaehyun was scanning over some documents.

“May I speak with you for a minute, sir?” you struggled to keep your voice from quaking in fear. Your palms suddenly felt sweaty and the letter in your hands burned.

Jaehyun took off his reading glasses and looked directly at you.

“Yes, of course, what’s the matter Miss Y/L/N?” He sounded so very concerned.

Instead of answering promptly to him, you handed the envelope to him. He furrowed his brows in confusion while you sat down in the plush leather armchair in front of his desk.

He read through the contents of your letter and the crease between his eyebrows got deeper. You stared at him, fidgeting quietly with your hands and Louboutin-clad foot tapping nervously on the carpet. Silence permeated strongly.

“I… see.”

He fixed you a stare deep in your eyes, stripping back every layer in your being until you were exposed to him, naked and bare.

“Tell me: what were the particular circumstances surrounding your decision to leave?”

He sounded unreadable at the moment, and his posture was stiff. You couldn’t decipher his mood at the moment like you usually could, so attuned to his wants and needs.

“I… Mr. Jung, I felt like… I didn’t fit well within the environment of the company and… I wanted to pursue other things.”

“Ah” he went silent for a few seconds, “well, your time at the company was… pleasurable and you will… be missed.”

You nodded and rose to your feet. He, too, stretched out his frame behind his desk and shook your hand while his ardent gaze seared into your brain.

_______________________________________________________________________

The two weeks passed by in a blur. The shocking decision of your resignation resonated through all levels of the company. Everyone from the lowliest accountant to the CFO greeted you goodbye. The janitor shook your hand goodbye, your fellow secretaries hugged you goodbye, and even some executives thanked you for your hard work. It was a big surprise, because usually whenever the CEO’s secretaries left the company, the big boss himself forced them to leave, not the other way around.

On your last day, the coworkers you were particularly close to threw you a goodbye party, and many people surprisingly came. There was cake and some non-alcoholic bubbly was brought out, while you mingled around. It was a departure on good terms. There were many hugs and handshakes and “good lucks” passed to along to you.

You felt a hand upon your shoulder as you were talking to a marketing guy.

“May I steal her away for a moment?”

Jaehyun.

You hadn’t seen him alot, surprisingly, for the last two weeks. He was out of the country for most of the period, visiting the Seo main offices in the US, while you were left to carry out his daily tasks.

The marketing dude nodded and agreed happily, before turning away to get some of the red velvet cake on the table.

“Miss Y/L/N—”

“Please, call me Y/N. I’m leaving soon, remember?” you laughed, in a jocund mood from all the merriment and cheer you were exposed to today.

His face from above you reflected surprise, but he quickly regained his composure.

“Oh sure, erm, y/n. I suppose you could call me by my first name, afterall. Could you meet me in my office afterwards?”

Now it was your turn to be confused. Why would he want to meet with you again? You did not want to be tormented with his presence any longer. He was the goddamn reason you were leaving.

“Oh yeah, of course!” you nodded.

“I’ll see you there,” Jaehyun gave you a slight grin and slinked off into the crowd.

As the party died down, you received more hugs and handshakes and pleads to keep in contact. You put on your caramel coat from the Koople’s, and your saffiano leather bag from Prada. There was no need to carry your personal belongings out in boxes, because all your stuff from your work cubicle were in your car already.

Your heels, probably for the last time, made a click click click on the marble tiles of the hallway leading to your boss’ office. You creaked open the door, and saw him sitting on a settee facing the glorious view of the city skyline.

His head swiveled to you, the sunlight reflecting of his aristocratic features.

“Y/n, do come in and sit.”

He stood up with a glass of brandy in his hands and walked towards the small table with a decanter on the counter, his long lean legs giving a leisurely quality to his stride. You removed your coat and sat down on the settee he had previously occupied. The silk of your Sandro dress rose up on your legs a bit as you sat, and it left your shoulders bare to the cold air conditioner of the office. You stared impassively at the sunset: why in the name of hell were you sitting in his office?

“Brandy?”

You turned your head towards him holding up a J. & L. Lobmeyr glass that he was gifted with when you accompanied him to Austria.

“Yes, that would be delightful.”

He poured you some aged brandy and handed it to you in the glass. His hand brushed yours in the process, reminding you of the many brushes and gazes you two shared over the 10 months of employment.

He settled across you on the curved settee, while you crossed and uncrossed your leg out of nervousness.

“The reason I brought you was here was that I’d like to whole-heartedly thank you for your impressive performance while employed here. You were a great employee and never once went off task, and your organizational skills improved my workload much more than previous,” Jaehyun put his arm over the couch and his sinewous frame caught your  attention. He took a sip of his brandy and subjected your figure to his scrutiny.

Huh. You never thought that your professional boss would be one to hand out compliments, but here he was. You felt very flattered, a blush covered your cheeks.

“Thank you, Mr—”

“Call me, Jaehyun, y/n.

“Of course, of course… Jaehyun,” you shifted a bit uncomfortably.

All of the sudden, his eyes narrowed at you. His relaxed posture suddenly vanished as he leaned towards you aggressively.

“However, I have a question for you.”

You looked into his eyes, for the first time since you met him.

“Why did you leave?”

Shit.

“I… stated it on the 2 Week notice. I just felt like I wasn’t a good fit, and—”

“No. Really, why did you quit this job?”

You rose up suddenly off the settee in nervousness, and walked towards the glass display.

“I…”

“Don’t give me that bullshit you stated on your letter. Why would you, one of the most competent and successful people to walk into this building, want to quit?”

You heard the clink of glass on glass as he set his glass of brandy down, and the near inaudible squeak of the settee as he got up.

“Didn’t fit in? You were one of the most beloved people in the whole fucking office. No one but those other secretarial staff disliked you, y/n, and they were just jealous.”

You closed your eyes in pain, and the brandy glass you held was gripped tightly. You closed your body language off to him, so he could be unable to view the roiling emotions inside you.

“Potential prospects? Please. Even if you were just a secretary, you were geared to be promoted to the job you had wanted in the company.”

His voice got closer and closer to you as you refused to look back at him. As usual, your heightened senses could sense him with great magnitude, and you did not want to answer this question.

“I’ve thought of every possibility of why you resigned. Every option was not viable with your situation so tell me: Why. Did. You. Leave. Me?” He whispered in your ear, each syllable was enunciated clearly and crisply. Now you could feel his heat behind you, and he was probably only like what… 1? 2? Feet away from you?

There was a taut silence that stretched on between of you, but the pressure of his stare on the back of your head was harsh. The brandy glass you nursed in your palm was now shaking, along with the rest of your body.

“You,” you gritted out.

“You and your fucking touches, your fucking eyes, just… everything! You… all of you…made me resign to get the the hell away from you,” you burst out, turning around to him. He still had an impassive expression on his face.

A tear slipped down your cheek, from the embarrassment of having an inappropriate attraction to your boss and from the humiliation of having to blurt out your secret desires to the man who was your superior for many months.

“Are you happy know? Huh? That you finally know the reason?” you blurted out angrily.

He said nothing.

You moved to get past him to flee, but his palms against the glass window prevented you from moving.

You tilted your head up to yell at him, to ask him why the fuck he was blocking your way, when you suddenly felt those enticing lips pressed on yours.

Your brandy glass dropped to the ground and spilled its contents near you, but did not break because of the carpet. Your form melted into his as he pressed you against the glass, his lips searing into yours. You felt alive and high, and only knew you wanted more of his touch. You were now chest to chest, and you could feel his rigid chest pressing against your breasts.

After you ran out of breath, he forced you to look up at him again with his thumb and forefinger. His gaze was smouldering now.

“Did you ever consider, Y/N, that I may have wanted you too? Hm?” he grated out, his voice rougher and deeper than you’ve ever heard it.

Your slightly teary eyes widened at the man up above you.

He quickly resumed his previous actions, and trailed kisses down your neck in frightening haste. He was desperate in his quest, each kiss intense and fleeting.

“The day… you came in here… I knew… you were going… to be… trouble. You came in with… those… fucking pencil skirts… and those heels… fuck.”

You ground your warmth into the knee he had put between your legs and he groaned into your collarbones. Your head was tilted up in pleasure and contentment on having this god lavish his attention on you.

His fingers— a pianist’s finger, long and sinuous— unbuttoned the back of your dress while your hands tangled in his coiffed hair, and your dress slipped down onto the floor, keeping you in your garter stockings and lingerie.

“You… fucking… tease. You knew… what you were doing… with that body of yours… and fuck… I love this get up you have… only wear it for me… baby girl…”

You groaned in contentment as you slipped off his bespoke suit jacket made for him, and you moved to get his oxford shirt off. He rubbed circles into your hips as he scattered bruises across your collarbones and chest. His teeth nipped and sucked with a desperation you never knew he had; after all, what more could he ever want?

You eventually got his shirt and undershirt off, leaving his fit torso to your perusal. Each contour of his chest was well-defined, with an Apollo’s belt and happy trail leading down beneath his trousers. Under your attention, his tight trousers suddenly got tighter as his erection strained beneath its confines.

He lifted you up easily bridal-style, and laid you down on the couch. He was towering over you, just like your dream from a few nights ago, except it was real.

“You’re like a fucking gift, all wrapped up nice and pretty for me… do you want me to open it up, baby girl?”

You moaned your approval as he pressed the heel of his palm against your core, veins popping out in his forearm.

Jaehyun trailed his hand from your hair to your bra strap. He quickly unclasped your lacy confection of a bra and threw it across the room. He attacked your breasts hungrily, and laved his tongue across your soft breaths but never where you wanted it.

“Jaehyun!”

You could feel his smirk as he finally brushed his tongue once, twice, to the tips of your breasts. You made a guttural noise.

He trailed his mouth across your stomach as his hands were playing with the straps of your garter, when he finally reached your panties. He thumbed you through your panties and you tugged him and moaned into his muscled shoulder.

“Moan for me, baby, that’s it.”

He hooked his fingers through your panties and ripped them off. You looked down at him angrily, but he merely smirked.

“I can buy you tons more for next time.”

His tongue, like your breasts, circled around the entrance to your heat but never once touching your clit. After a few seconds of torment, he finally touched you clit. Your thighs squeezed his head in pleasure as you gasped. He added his fingers in to delve into your heat, heightening your pleasure. You half screamed, half moaned when it suddenly became all too much, and your juices flooded out.

He drew away, wiping his lips sexily, as your rib cage heaved up and down from the intense orgasm. He unzipped his trousers and his hard length slipped out and he stroked it a few times to smear his precum for lubrication.

“Get ready for me, baby.”

He entered you roughly, and you both moaned. His was thick, thicker than any previous you had as your walls clenched and unclenched around him.

His thrusts were powerful as he pounded you against the couch. You whined pitifully into his neck.

“You’ve wanted this, huh? Your boss fucking you in his office. C’mon, baby girl, you can do better than that. Moan for me.”

Your moans got louder as you could feel the pleasure overtake you, envelop you in a haze of euphoria and lust, and the only thing you could feel was his heat and his manhood thrusting in and out of you.

“Another one.”

He thrusted hard in you, and you screamed, the sound ricocheted off the walls of his office. It nearly defeaned you but again, you could only think about Jaehyun.

How could you disobey him? Maybe it was an ingrained instinct that made you obey everything he asked.

His thrusts soon lost its previous rhythmic pattern and he moaned into your chest. You grew close to your unraveling, a feeling built up in your stomach.

“Y/n… shit, I—fuck, you feel so good.”

He spilled into you with a loud groan, while you muffled your scream into his shoulder. Your walls tightened immediately after you could feel his warm liquid inside you, his length pulsating.

You both settled down, and he quickly adjusted your positions so he wouldn’t crush you.

He wrapped his arms around you, and you both basked in each other’s presence and warmth. You felt sated and like a huge weight had been relieved of you, one weight that had been there for months. Your body felt tender and sore, and you knew it was going to be hard to walk tomorrow. If only this moment would last forever.

“Please… don’t leave me,” Jaehyun mumbled into your hair.

You looked up at him. “Baby, I’ve already resigned.”

He huffed, frustrated. “No, I mean… don’t leave my side. Be my girlfriend? Be mine?” His eyes softened when he gazed into yours.

You smiled, and pressed a kiss on his sharp jaw.

“Of course I will.”

(A/N: i was thinking of anon’s CEO! Doyoung request and this would not dislodge itself from my brain so like here you go while i hit up that priest and dunk myself in holy water)

#jaehyun #neowritingsnet #jaehyun smut #nct smut #jaehyun angst #ceo jaehyun #jaehyun x reader #nct x reader #nct imagine #kpop smut #kpop imagine #kpop angst #jaehyun imagine #nct johnny #taeyong #yuta #doyoung

[aliceslantern]

Beyond this Existence: Atonement chapter 17

Ansem always had a penchant for strays, so it's not at all surprising when he takes in the orphaned child Ienzo. The boy's presence changes everything, far more than Even is willing to admit. Ienzo's brilliance seems promising, but the arrival of a young Xehanort pushes the apprentices onto a dark, cruel, inhumane path which will affect the future of the World. And even once it's all over with--once Xehanort is dead--they still must pick up the pieces, forgive one another, find a way to atone for their atrocities, and struggle to accept the humanity which has been thrust upon them.

Or: Even's journey from BBS through post-KH3

Chapter summary:  Even and Ansem repair their old friendship, growing closer in an unexpected way. Even's newest research project breaks his stagnation.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

It takes time.

Time of conversations, of walks, arguments. Time digging through the muck of their pasts. It is still hard to trust one another; it might always be. But they seem to be getting somewhere, and Even will take somewhere after nowhere.

He tells Ansem about those long twelve years under Xemnas's thumb; about the replicas, Roxas, all they did to make worlds fall. About vain attempts at Kingdom Hearts, about the dissolution of his rapports with Zexion, Lexeaus, and especially Xaldin; the horrors of Castle Oblivion; his own death. He recounts it with a sort of distance, and then rolls up one of his sleeves to show Ansem part of the scars.

"How's that for karmic payback?" he asks dryly.

Ansem examines his arm with a stricken expression. Then, deliberately or not at all, he runs his fingertip along it. "Does it still ail you?"

The touch is unsettling; though why? Even is feeling something unfamiliar. Discomfort? Uncertainty?

Something else entirely? He was never good at feelings.

"Not so much," he says. "Though most of the flesh is numb. You may get some pleasure from the fact that I was first to die."

Ansem doesn't comment on this. "And this devastation is… total?"

"All but my face, hands, throat, and feet. I suppose I should be grateful for that--hard to do delicate work if one cannot feel one's fingers." He can feel the blood in his face. "My body does not matter, so long as it does not collapse on me."

"At our age vanity is just that," he agrees. "I am… sorry."

He barks an awkward laugh. "What for?"

"None deserve to die so violently."

"Blame Axel's flair for the dramatic. A simple slice to the jugular would have been sufficient."

There are a few beats of silence. Ansem taps the tips of his fingers together, restlessly. “And the others?”

“How did we die?”

“Is that too… voyeuristic to ask?”

“I don’t believe so.” Even sighs. “Xaldin and Demyx were both felled by Sora, Lexeaus by Riku, Zexion by… Axel’s machinations. I’m afraid it’s all rather violent. But it was necessary, to be whole. Seems to go against the grain.”

“It does,” he agrees.

“Things seem to make less and less sense to me the longer I live.”

Ansem chuckles. “That’s how it seems. Wisdom is merely… negative learning.”

Months, and months, and months--

He and Ansem seem to be developing a warmer rapport. It is easier to be with one another, to be frank. Something like their old friendship peers through the cracks. It gives Even hope, for the first time in a long, long while. Hope that they might yet be saved. Things warm between the rest of them, as well. The talk is not so dreadfully existential. This is helped considerably by the two boys; Ienzo’s dry humor and Demyx’s easygoing nature are encouraging. The idea of all having dinner together is no longer so awkward, but rather something to look forward to.

When possible, Even helps Ienzo with his memorial project for their victims, in its final draft. One spring day, the boy presents it to them, explains at length what it means; the symbolism of flowers, the presentation of their records, the histories of those impacted by what they did. It’s the culmination of an entire year.

Hearing it all, Even is filled with something like pride for the boy, the way he so gracefully has taken responsibility. It is something he himself must learn to do.

Radiant Garden elects a city council, a group of seven individuals to take the brunt of the work from the committee. There’s some worry as to whether they may face legal consequences for what they did, but eventually, and along with the committee’s vouch, they’re allowed to remain as they were, so long as they provide their assistance. As this is what they all want anyway, it’s no issue. Ansem acts as advisor; with this to fill his days, he improves.

They’re allowed to build the garden. Almost everyone spends as much time here as possible, doing what they can. It’s good to work with the body.

Once it’s all done…

For a while he and Ansem stand in front of the wall of names. He places incense in the altar, lights it; many other burnt sticks are already crowding the stone.

I’m sorry.

He doesn’t say it, not out loud. They’re resting in a place beyond words, no thanks to him. His heart is racing, and he can feel the wetness in his eyes. As much progress as they’ve made, the guilt will be there, probably forever. And rightfully so.

Ansem rests a hand on his shoulder. “Peace, Even,” he says gently. “It’s alright.”

Perhaps it’s this implication of forgiveness, but he breaks. It seems all the pain is at the surface now; the loss of his family, the brunt of what he’s done. It hurts to be forgiven. He does not nearly deserve it.

Ansem gently embraces him. To be touched is something of a shock, and for a moment it only intensifies this crying fit. More pathetic yet, he’s clinging to him like a lifeline in this storm.

But once it’s through, once he so slowly collects the pieces of himself, dries his eyes, there’s something like catharsis, an undoing rather than a sealing away.

(And, he notes, Ansem still smells the same.)

“I… must apologize,” he says thickly. “This is most unbecoming.”

“I daresay you could use a cup of tea,” Ansem says, letting go of him.

“Perhaps something stronger.”

---

Even knows time is passing, as much as it may not feel like it. He shouldn’t be surprised when gossip is laid at his feet, brought by Dilan, who heard it from Ansem, who heard it from the city council, who heard it from the committee, who heard it from Demyx. It’s a complicated game of telephone, but as soon as Even hears it, he knows it’s not mere rumor:

Ienzo and Demyx are engaged.

He’s gotten used to the boy by now, but yet he feels something like the anger he had when he first found out they were together. Because god Ienzo is just so young . Much too young to make a decision like this. Almost getting himself killed is one thing, but… getting married? At twenty-one?

“That so,” he says to Dilan.

He smirks. “What can I say. My sources are reliable.”

“You should’ve been a journalist, not an engineer.” He leans against his palm. “Has anyone talked to him about it?”

“Not quite.” He shrugs. “Would it be the worst thing?”

“At this point in their neurological development, they are literally incapable of making consequential decisions. I don’t want them to do something they’ll regret.” His heart is beating hard with dread.

A shrug. “I’d take a divorced Ienzo over a dead or depressed one. Besides. Wasn’t your marriage rather spur-of-the-moment?”

He has a point. Still, Even feels blood rush into his face. “I’ll talk to him.”

He doesn’t have to wait long; the boy comes to him with a thick manuscript, a more portable version of the stories he’s gathered from their victims, and the survivors. It feels… odd, to hold it in his hands. Odd and uncomfortable. He knows the truth of it. Yet to hear their words is… well. Power to the boy for being able to handle it. “I never pictured you as a soft scientist,” Even says instead.

Ienzo exhales. He needs glasses now, the first concrete sign of his humanity catching up to him. “You’re going to be frightfully disappointed in me, but I no longer derive any pleasure or fulfillment from so-called “harder” subjects.”

Even frowns. “Why on earth would I be disappointed?” As though pursuing his passions were a bad thing?

“I do recall a period in my life when you found my perusal of fiction a waste of time, when I could be studying.”

He sets the book down. “We all know what a fool I was, back then. No.” He smiles. “The only way I’d be disappointed in you was if you were to waste your life faffing about. But you were never lazy.”

He scratches his cheek.  “I understand the… trepidation, you might feel,” he says slowly. “And… it is quite harrowing.”

Even drops his eyes. “I can only imagine what the experience has been like, for you.”

“...Gathering these stories?” He hesitates. “Not everyone is… willing to share such dark content of their hearts. I’ve had more than one door slammed in my face.” He wrings his hands. “I’d hoped that my suspicion regarding everyone’s opinion of us was mere paranoia, but some folks do feel a certain… ire. Not that I can blame them.” He clears his throat.  “It’s… worth it, to hear their voices. We… need to understand the human impact. I don’t mean the numbers.” He is shy, sheepish. “I have… written something of an abridged memoir, myself.”

Ienzo always loved stories. It must be one of the many ways he’s trying to take care of himself. “It would only make sense. You are one of the victims.” Used, manipulated, stunted, deprived of a normal life.

He flinches. “Victim and perpetrator in one. Seems I am fated to live in dichotomy.” He inhales sharply. “I have already spoken to the others. It might be valuable to give your own version of events. Not necessarily for publication.”

Funny boy. “For the good of my recovery?”

The earnestness almost makes Even laugh. “Well, yes. You had said you were trying to write and reflect, to delineate a new identity. How is this any different? Your perspective could offer some insight to future generations, when they inevitably look back at all this.”

“Record keeping,” Even mutters. “Very well. I… will consider it. Are you alright?”

He flinches, again, and presses a hand to his brow. “I had hoped these new glasses would lessen my headaches, but that appears not to be the case.”

Concern blooms in him. “You’re still getting them? After all this time?” Surely it isn’t healthy.

He smiles, but it looks fake. “Not frequently. You needn’t worry. Take as much time as you’d like with it. I have other copies.”

“I shall, but…” Even looks him over. He is improved compared to those early days--a healthy weight and color--but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still feeling the ramifications of all he did. “ Do let that fiance of yours take a look at you. Apparently he’s quite competent.” He waves his hand dismissively.

Ienzo, hearing the word, flushes; caught.

“Did you actually think you could keep it under wraps?” Even asks. “What with Dilan’s inane gossiping?”

“Not… secret. I don’t see why my personal life should be of interest to anyone.”

“Of course it will be, when we live on top of one another.” He debates biting this bullet. “You are so… very young. So young.”

He scowls. “As nobody will let me forget.”

“I don’t want you to get into something so permanent. You’re barely stable yourself.” When Ienzo says nothing, he adds-- “Even if you were not only twenty-one, you’ve only been with him a year. I realize you are not used to the idea of permanence, but this will be--”

“It was I who asked him.”

He blinks. Not at all what he thought. “I’d’ve--figured--”

He’s rather snappish when he says, “Demyx is very respectful of my boundaries. He would not force me into anything I did not explicitly ask for. Should it end, we will deal with it maturely. But I don’t see that happening.”

Again, his mind’s made up. Concern wells in Even. But he supposes Dilan must be right. The boy should be allowed to make his own choices. His life has already been so tempestuous; this might offer him a shred of stability, artificial or no. “Do you truly want this?” Even asks. “Would it make you happy?”

“Yes,” he says. “And I am already happy. Insofar as I can be, anyway.”

Then that’s that. “I suppose I will always see you as a… child.”

He sighs. “Par for the course when you raise someone.You were always… more my guardian than Ansem. But you must trust I am able to make my own decisions. After all, you--”  He blushes.

“I what?”

“It was not me you came back to Radiant Garden for.”

“You know why I had to leave. Ienzo, I did not want to, but who else would’ve--”

“...I know.” He bites his lip. “Still. A note would’ve been appreciated. You needn’t protect me anymore. Especially from Demyx.”

Even sighs. “Old habits die hard. Or so the cliche goes.”

“...Right. Well. I shall leave you to it, then.” He leaves, allowing Even to consider the manuscript in front of him. It takes a few minutes of culling his nerve to open it.

One could not call Ienzo a “concise” writer. His language is flowery, emotional; he plays with the voices of the survivors, curating it carefully. Even wonders if, had the boy been raised differently, he might’ve been a writer after all.

It is harrowing. The heartbreak and torment these people went through--the snippets of it--

Even once she was back, she was never the same.

He just vanished. We thought it might’ve been the wolves, beyond the city limits. But then we heard those stories about the castle and I… I just knew, in the pit of my stomach. I felt so betrayed by the king. Why did he let this happen?

I kissed their cheek, tied the ribbon in their hair. They were so excited to go; their whole class was rooting for them. They never came home.

Even feels nauseous. Still, he continues. He knows he needs to do this, to listen to them. To again feel that human weight.

Perhaps the most upsetting part of it is Ienzo’s, shoehorned at the very back.

I know people must think we’re monsters. It is only right, it is only true . Yet we were also subjected to the darkness we bore, its ache, the way it destroys all that is good. My unraveling was a slow one, one I am still trying to fix. But is anything we do ever enough?

Is it?

---

So Even writes again, abridging his manic, borderline unintelligible journals from the months prior into something halfway readable. It’s hard to find the balance, between feeling and fact, what will make a cohesive narrative. He was never a writer, nor, he thinks, does he want to be. He gives Ienzo some suggested edits and leaves it all at the child’s favorite desk in the library.

Again there’s that stiff sense of catharsis, of a sort of release. His mind is so much more tangled than he ever thought. More complex.

(More human.)

He wonders, with something like a flash, if in fact darkness harnesses the mind like addiction. It truly is a euphoric pull. If only, if only he had working MRI equipment to study the mind. All he has is blood, is feelings. That doesn’t account for much. Not watertight science.

He finds himself rambling about this to Ansem, of all people.

This seems to shake him; for several moments Ansem just stares into the middle distance, something stricken on his face. Then, “Even, you’re a genius.”

“Don’t be absurd--it’s been in my face all along, yet I’ve ignored the signs--”

“We all have. We thought this was about morality--and it is, of course we’re still accountable for our actions. But all this… difficulty becoming human, the way we were undone so quickly… it makes a sort of sense. Why we couldn’t stop even though we knew what we were doing.”

“Which is why I’m positively aching to study our minds,” he says, pacing. “I’ve no functioning machinery. A blood test won’t tell me much of anything anymore, except chemistry, and it’s so variable considering we’re all basically guaranteed to have multiple mental illnesses outside of this supposed “addiction”. There’s simply no way--”

“Oh, I can think of one,” Ansem says.

Even snorts. “Really? Name it.”

“We do know a few people who work with the body. In a way that is not quite literal.” A smile. “Not everything has to be so black and white.”

He blinks. “That is… absolutely correct.”

---

When Even asks Demyx about it, he also gives him that same odd look.

“Well fuck,” he says. “I mean I’m happy to help, but like, I’ve only been doing this for a few months now. Not sure I can… collect data, or whatever.” He spins idly on one of Even’s stools.

“You said you work with people’s energies. What does that tell you?”

He blows a raspberry. “Mostly it’s a… well. It depends. Like a color, or a note. Your personality, basically. But actually feeling inside the brain…” He looks at his hands. “You know… I’ve been desperately trying to repress it, but I’ve been inside someone’s head. I felt their…” He flinches. “Anyway. I wouldn’t know what to look for.”

“That I can help you with. And I can be guinea pig--if necessary.”

He bites his lip. “This will help people?”

“I’m positive.”

“Okay. Sure. I’m in.” He ruffles the hair at the back of his neck. His knee is jiggling. He doesn’t quite want to meet Even’s eyes. “I’ve gotta… do some reading. Some asking around.”

“I’m sure.”

“So guess I’ll go?”

“Of course. Thanks, Demyx. This means a lot to me.” To think there'd be a day when he willingly sought Demyx's help, his expertise.

He flashes a peace sign and stands.

“Wait.”

He tenses. He knows they’ve both been anticipating this. “Yeah?” he asks cautiously.

“You and Ienzo…” Even trails off. “Is this what you want as well?”

He looks up. He’s blushing. “It really is. I…” He bites his lip. “Love is weird and terrifying, but we kind of… helped each other become human. Kind of literally for me. Not sure if that’s why things between us are so intense. I can’t imagine it changing.”

“...I see.” He can tell there’s some realization to be gleaned from this; he can also tell that he desperately does not want to know it. “Very well.”

“Guess you can’t get rid of me after all,” he says. He smiles a little. “See ya.”

---

Love.

Why is Even thinking about this?

Feelings are complicated enough without adding romance to it. Familial, platonic love is one thing; anything else is too much.

He was married, once.

He still can’t be sure he truly loved that person the way they all blathered on about. A love, not the love. Is this something he would want? Is he worthy of anyone? It’s surely not necessary. But for the first time Even desires a personal life… whatever that may mean. His work/life balance has never been ideal, in his brief time as a spouse, a parent. This vein of thought alone is indulgent. He should shunt it away, bury it. Besides, to want this type of love would mean there has to be an object of such affection… and there isn’t one.

He decides to ask Ansem about it.

“I’m afraid I can’t be much use,” he says, barely looking up from the papers spread all across his desk. It’s a familiar sight, yet also one Even hasn’t seen in years. He chuckles wryly. “But Even, you are a human being. You have a right to these things, should you so want them.”

“What, and force someone else to put up with me? Perhaps my synapses are misfiring.”

Ansem circles something on the paper in front of him. “These people write law like they were raised in a barn.” Then, “I suppose they were. Anyway, perhaps you should view it as a sign of growth. You always held others at arm’s length--even before you became a Nobody. Now, you’re allowing people into your life, your heart.” He twirls a pen vaguely.

“It certainly does not feel like growth.” He scoffs. He shifts a little in his seat. “Is that something you ever saw for yourself? You’ve never mentioned a spouse, a lover.” This almost seems as if it is getting too personal. “Does it simply not interest you?”

“I… wouldn’t say that.”

Oh?

“I am improving, true. I think it will be some time before I can confidently… pursue such matters.”

“...It sounds almost as if you have a certain individual in mind.” Ansem is fond of writing letters; perhaps some pen pal?

There is just the slightest hesitation, almost unnoticeable. “I do believe Dilan’s gossip mongering is getting to you.”

“...Perhaps.”

---

What does it mean?

Moreover, why does he care?

Every time Even tries to push the question out of his mind, it comes back with a vengeance. He keeps coming back to that interaction. And every time, it gives him a jolt of something like fear. He refuses to think critically about it. More important work at hand.

He’s again spending more time with Demyx; moreso, actually, than with Ienzo. If they’re to work together, it’s par for the course. But Demyx isn’t a scientist. Some things are simply beyond his realm of understanding. The boy is trying to study the texts that Even leaves him, but it all seems to worry him.

“Not sure I’m cut out for this,” he says. “You should really just ask Aerith.”

Even frowns. “Why not?”

“I…” He looks down at his hands, which are trembling. “I’m a total newbie. Who knows if what I find is even right?”

“I thought you’ve done this before?”

He flinches. “Once. And… not under ideal circumstances. I had to… stop someone from having a stroke.” He’s flushing.

“This is not nearly so invasive.”

“I know that, but…” He traces a finger along the page.

Even frowns. “What’s wrong? I don’t believe you’ll hurt anyone. I just want to look for injury, response, that’s all. Which is something you do every day.”

Demyx shakes his head. “It’s not that. I guess I should be honest. Family, and all.”

Even feels a thick wave of anxiety. “...What?”

He drops his eyes. “The person was Ienzo.”

His heart falls to his feet. Even feels his hand at his breastbone. “But the boy’s fine,” Even says.

“Yeah. Now. These… headaches. It was more than just the manifestation of his will, or whatever. It was an accumulation of years of stress. Like the glasses. All the fucked up shit that happened to his body caught up to him. I was just lucky enough to be there when it happened.” His eyes are watering, and he blinks hard. “I just feel really icky when I think about it.”

Even squeezes his shoulder gently, in an attempt to comfort. “I don’t… blame you.” Ienzo is the youngest of all of them. If he has--or had--such problems, what could be wrong with the rest of them? “You’ve gotten yourself looked at, I hope?”

“I… yeah. There would’ve been some trouble with my heart. But Aerith knew what to look for, so she fixed it.” He lays a palm on his chest.

It’s becoming clear. “You’re scared of what you might find in the rest of us?”

“Maybe. It’s weird. I’m not used to my patients… being us.”

Even is also unsettled. Of course he knows that he’s treated his body poorly in the past--too much work, not enough food or sleep--but it’s another thing to embody that knowledge.

“At least it can be fixed,” he says slowly. “I don’t want to fuck up. Any time--but especially if it’s you guys. I… sort of care.” He laughs wryly.

“Well I’m afraid you’ve gotten yourself into a situation where you must be involved with us.”

“It’s easier now than it was back then. Don’t you think?”

“It gets easier every day.”

---

The pit keeps getting deeper. Every time he thinks he understands just how much darkness has destroyed them, it grows yet more cataclysmic. The stress--while they did not necessarily feel it as Nobodies--is having infinite consequences. After some prodding, he is able to convince them all to give him a sample of their DNA, to further study their epigenomes. It’s engrossing work--work that might help future generations avoid their perilous mistakes. The sample size is still incredibly small, and incredibly skewed. No women, for example, and most of them are middle-aged (or, begrudgingly, older). He wonders if the townsfolk would be willing to participate, but as soon as the thought forms he’s aware of the paranoia.

“I can bring it up to the city council,” Ansem says one evening, in his quarters. “And put out some feelers. They claim to be so interested in the people’s emotional state. And we are desperate for some kind of mental health treatment. This might help beget that.”

Even feels exhausted. He still has so much to do. He has to admit it’s nice to be driven again, to have a goal to work towards. It certainly has lifted him out of that dark, dangerous place. “Oh, I certainly hope so.”

Ansem puts down his pen, stretches his wrist. “I must say modesty becomes you.”

Even scoffs. “Funny.”

“I mean it. You’ve changed more than you think. I’ve so rarely seen you approach things with grace and tenderness.”

“Flowery words.” He picks at the ends of his hair, suddenly unable to look him in the eye. “I spent so long working so selfishly. I said it was for the greater good, but really it was for the greater good of… Even.” He winces. “To know I can actually help, or at the very least leave behind a study that might help future generations… is a comfort.” He leans his elbows onto the table. “I’m exhausted.”

“You look it. You should try to get some rest.”

“...Perhaps. I’ll get up when I can find the ambition.”

He picks the pen back up. “No reason you can’t sit with a friend.”

“...You would consider me one?”

Ansem raises an eyebrow. “As if I would let you sit here blathering on otherwise?”

Even rolls his eyes.

“I do enjoy your company. Rather more than I used to. I am starting to… let go of the bitterness. It does nothing except make me harder and less tolerable. You are all trying so hard to better yourselves… I’d best follow suit.”

There’s a few moments of silence, but it’s comfortable. Even finds himself, again, thinking of their previous conversation. He’s almost tempted to ask. Should he? And why is such a thought putting a tightness in his throat? “...So what do you think of this wedding?” he asks instead.

Ansem fully sets aside his work, and leans back in the chair. “I did not think it would happen so soon. But they work well together, as a pair. Why wait, as it were. Demyx is an earnest young man, and he’s also changed so much. He really would do anything for Ienzo. And I think after so much neglect, Ienzo deserves as much love as he can find.”

“...It’s so… funny, I suppose. For the longest time all of us rotting in that castle could not tolerate each other, and here we are… quite literally family.”

“Better than being alone.”

“...It is. It took me a long while to realize I could not live that way. Too long. People need… people.” His lip curls.

Ansem laughs. “Quite.” He takes Even’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Besides, some deserve a fresh start.”

Even blinks. He should move his hand, but finds himself almost immovable. He recalls that night many years before, when he was bedridden with that flu. The way the touch seemed like it was always there. It sounds almost as if you have a certain individual in mind.

Even. You dunce.

Too slowly, he withdraws. “I should… get some sleep. We’ve both had long days.”

Ansem looks vaguely startled. “Yes. Well. Good night.”

“Good night.”

He limps back to his quarters, feeling vaguely nauseous, like he’s been punched. His heart rate is erratic. This is something very like panic, but at the same time, not quite. His mind races. It aches.

Isn't this what you've desired?

With Ansem?

He feels like he can't breathe.

Are these feelings real, or his?

What does he want ?

That simple touch--a squeeze of the hand--is almost enough to unravel him. Much less--

He can not mentally compute it.

Even has to come out with it. To verbalize the thought in whole. To love Ansem?

And yet. Who else could it possibly be?

Is he in love?

He certainly isn't alone.

But isn't love instantly knowable?

Either way, Ansem likely has feelings for him. What does this mean? Is this what he wants?

After so long without anything, love and lust are incalculable. Unobtainable.

What does Even want?

Is he worthy?

He can't breathe.

---

"Even?"

He's pretending to sleep when he hears the voice. "Is something the matter?"

"...I would like a word." Ansem's voice is gruff, scratchy.

"Now?"

"Are you really asleep?"

A fair point. He puts on his robe. Finds Ansem in the doorway. (His heart stutters--a warning sign.) "What do you need?"

"...I'd like to talk."

He gets dressed. Follows Ansem down the hall in this silky blue night. His heart races, flooding him with cortisol.

(And something like hope.)

They walk for a few minutes. "So what exactly couldn’t wait until morning?" Even asks.

Ansem hesitates. "My words fail me. I… can… feel something."

"Congratulations."

He touches Even's shoulder. "I thought you may feel something as well."

His heart about shatters. "Ansem. You deserve more than me. A person who is whole, untainted, better than some wretch--"

Ansem touches his cheek, and his world about stops. "You are so much more than that."

In this dark hallway, Ansem leans up and, so gently, kisses him on the mouth.

It’s bizarre; how the body remembers what to do. It has to be close to fifteen years since he’s kissed someone, but yet something about this is so familiar. His smell, the subtle scratch of his beard. Like it’s all happened before. Something like panic replaces the hard-won pleasure, and he breaks away. He finds himself tensing, breaking away all too soon.

“Are you alright?” Ansem asks.

“I’m not so sure. I just… why?”

“Haven’t we spent long enough being miserable and alone?”

“I… suppose.” He’s infinitely grateful for the semidarkness. He can feel himself unravelling.

“Do you want this?”

“What I want doesn’t matter.”

“But it does.” Ansem takes Even’s hands.

“We took this sort of thing from people. Do we really deserve it?”

“And what is the alternative?” Ansem asks softly. “Locking yourself away? Grinding down your own emotions? None of that will meaningfully help you atone.”

He can hear himself breathing tremulously. “Alright.”

“Alright, what?”

Even can feel his words failing as well. “I will… try. But it’s been… I feel so--” A stuttering wreck.

“We’re not young. We’ve no need to rush headfirst into things.”

“I need to… process all this.” He pulls away his hands. “I can find you later.”

“Of course.” Ansem chances kissing him once more. It’s quick, chaste, and yet is all too much. All of this touch is. Even can feel himself getting choked up. “Good night, Even.”

He listens to his footsteps retreating into the darkness. Despite the warmth of the early fall evening, he’s shivering. It’s not normal, to react this way; he knows this much. Below the anxiety, he feels something very like relief. Closure. He’s known Ansem longer than he’s known anyone. It’s only suitable they find one another now.

He sinks wearily into bed, and sleeps.

#beyond this existence: atonement #even (kingdom hearts) #ansem the wise #demyx #ienzo #beyond this existence

[hamiltongolfcourses]

Has Golf Changed?

I played with him at Colonial the first week back out, but I sort of said, ‘OK, wait until he gets to a proper golf course, he’ll have to rein it back in.’ This is as proper as they come, and look what’s happened.”

—Rory McIlroy, on Bryson DeChambeau

“So many times I relied on science, and it worked every single time.”

—DeChambeau, following his U.S. Open victory

For a moment, let’s forget the specifics. Let’s forget the weight and distance gain, the muscle activation fitness regimen, the protein shakes, the single iron length, the putting lasers, and a thousand other things that fall under the umbrella of “science.” Forget it all and think broadly. We need some distance to understand Bryson DeChambeau’s win at the U.S. Open—the most consequential result for golf since Tiger Woods won the Masters in 1997—and to internalize the only conclusion that really matters: On an intellectual level, nobody else is trying hard enough.

If that sounds like an insult to a group of professionals who have dedicated their lives to becoming elite practitioners of the sport, so be it. DeChambeau is putting them to shame simply because he has the courage not just to seek out innovative ideas, but to pursue them with monomaniacal energy. His commitment is so rigorous, so fanatical, that everyone else comes off looking like a dilettante.

This makes people uncomfortable, fans and players alike, but the ultimate legacy of his astonishing win at Winged Foot—a course that was supposed to be the antithesis to and kryptonite for the DeChambeau Style—is that we can no longer dismiss him as a pretentious pseudoscientist. That comfort is gone, and now we reckon with a reality that forces from the mouths of the doubters the three most painful words imaginable.

He was right.

• • •

Let’s talk about Tiger in ’97. With that win at Augusta, which so quickly validated and then exceeded every bit of hype, the game was fundamentally changed. The kids who watched him then, and who are dominating the PGA Tour today, understood golf entirely through the context of Tiger. His power, his fitness, his passion, his competitive edge. These were the templates they followed. Some, like Patrick Reed, even began to wear red on Sunday and to speak with the same clipped cadence. Even in less extreme cases, Tiger’s physical and psychological influence was felt. You see it everywhere today; the game exists in his image.

What will the DeChambeau Effect look like? In 15 years, will we watch a new generation of hulked-up bombers chain-guzzle protein shakes, pecs bursting out of their golf shirts, each iron as long as the next, as they analyze complex topographical charts and an assistant clocks the speed of their putts?

The answer is, probably yes. DeChambeau is so full of good ideas that some of them are going to trickle down, particularly if he keeps winning. Whatever Chris Como, his coach, is doing, other coaches will do. Muscle activation technique, which has been a staple in the NFL for years, will become widespread in golf. Barring any major rules change, power will reign even more completely than it did before, and player physiques will reflect it. All of DeChambeau’s good ideas will be copied.

That’s because DeChambeau is golf’s answer to Billy Beane. He takes a Moneyball approach to every facet of the game; he’s open to literally any idea that might make the sport easier and help him shoot a low score, and he’ll pursue the slight edges with monastic fervor. Playing within a game that hews closely to tradition, socially and competitively, DeChambeau has the self-confidence to ignore conventional wisdom. The difference is that Beane sought out market inefficiencies because his Oakland A’s operated from a major payroll deficit. DeChambeau, on the other hand, was already supremely talented. When an NCAA and U.S. Amateur champ opens his mind to the cosmos in an effort to squeeze every possible advantage, Winged Foot is the result.

Writ large, that’s both the lesson and consequence of the past weekend, and the single element that young aspiring golfers should take to heart. To compete in the Bryson Era, it’s not enough to have talent and to work hard. You better think hard, too. You better be so committed that you treat golf like an experiment to be solved, and you better stumble upon your own innovations. DeChambeau’s long-lasting effect on this game won’t be physical. It will be mental.

• • •

Do you find DeChambeau invigorating, or infuriating? The answer probably says less about DeChambeau, and more about you, how you feel about change, about tradition, about innovation, and about the limitations of what golf should be.

Of all the players who commented on DeChambeau when it became clear that he would win the U.S. Open, Rory McIlroy’s remarks were the most interesting.

“I don’t really know what to say because that’s just the complete opposite of what you think a U.S. Open champion does,” McIlroy said. “Whether that’s good or bad for the game, I don’t know, but it’s just—it’s not the way I saw this golf course being played or this tournament being played. It’s kind of hard to really wrap my head around it … I think it’s brilliant, but I think he’s taken advantage of where the game is at the minute.”

Nobody explicitly asked him for an appraisal on whether it was “good or bad,” but in Rory’s defense, that part of the question is implied. Still, if you’re like me, you read a bit of negative judgment in the answer, and a bit of frustration. DeChambeau seems to have found a cheat code, and the idea that it’s working might seem unjust, especially to a player like McIlroy who has experienced a slew of difficulties at the majors in the last half-decade.

Yet to call it a shortcut is to undersell DeChambeau’s outrageous work ethic, the months of body transformation during the pandemic, the Saturday night range session under the lights at Winged Foot. Still, the ideas themselves aren’t so wild. If there’s a comical angle here, it’s that despite the caricature of DeChambeau as some kind of occult physicist, the fundamental beliefs behind his “innovations” are fairly simple. In July, I learned all about his weight gain and muscle training regimen, and while the specifics get pretty complicated, the reasoning behind it can be expressed with a very simple equation: More weight and more strength = more distance = more wins.

It’s not even a new concept. Tiger’s fitness regimen changed the game in similar ways, but DeChambeau wanted to do more than simply follow in Tiger’s footsteps. He wanted to continue the evolution and blow it out to its most extreme form, and his self-belief is so total that he refuses to be held back by cautionary tales.

Example: The reason most people thought he’d fail at Winged Foot is because the thick rough punishes errant tee shots, and DeChambeau’s length comes at the expense of accuracy. If you can’t hit fairways, you can’t win—not there. It sounds logical, but look closer and it’s easy to see how conventional wisdom fails. What actually happened, and what DeChambeau noticed before the week began along with his coach Chris Como and Mark Broadie, is that the fairways were so narrow that they punished everyone, long hitter or short. Nobody hitting driver could reasonably be expected to hold a high percentage. So, in that case, why not be long?

“Everyone talked about hitting fairways out here,” Xander Schauffele said on Sunday, when asked about DeChambeau. “It’s not about hitting fairways. It’s about hitting on the correct side of the hole … you’d rather be the guy in the rough with a lob wedge than with an 8-iron or 7-iron.”

Precisely. Of course, wide fairways pose the same conundrum. Punish everyone, and length wins. Punish no one, and length wins. You see the common denominator: Length wins.

Now, it’s not quite that simple. DeChambeau had a comprehensive game plan, played beautifully from the rough and was spectacular with the putter, particularly on Sunday. But it starts with rejecting the original idea, that aggression won’t work. It starts by rejecting the warnings.

• • •

The nice thing about athletic innovation is that the results are measurable. DeChambeau’s physical transformation attracts the bulk of public attention, and puts the focus on his drives (which are spectacular). Did it work? Well, in the 2020 season, he finished first in strokes gained/off the tee. That’s compared to 24th, 12th, and 35th in prior years. It worked.

His putting game deserves its own feature-length article, but you can get a small taste from this quote: “If I hit a 40-footer and it says 10.1 miles per hour on the device, I know that I’ve executed it correctly. And if I see the ball go two feet past that 40-foot mark, I know it’s perfect.” So it involves radar and arm locks and lasers and men holding towels when necessary. Did it work? In 2020, he finished 10th in sg/putting, compared to 28th, 32nd and a woeful 145th in prior years. It worked.

Today, his approach game is relatively poor (119th by the strokes gained metric last season), but you can bet he’ll find a way to improve that, too, and if his performance from the thick grass at Winged Foot is any indication, he’s on his way. “I don’t think they can set it up for him, to be honest,” Louis Oosthuizen said on Sunday, “he’s so strong out of the rough.” In fact, DeChambeau was first in the entire field at Winged Foot in strokes gained/approach, accumulating a massive 7.551 strokes in four rounds. It’s working.

You can view this success as a referendum on the specific techniques DeChambeau is using to improve his game. Yes, there will be copycats. He’ll be very influential in that regard, perhaps more than anyone since Tiger. But as DeChambeau himself readily concedes, “not everybody has to do it my way.” The fact that he’s thrived with muscle activation technique and lasers and protein shakes doesn’t mean that everyone will. It doesn’t even mean that he will, at least not forever.

The true revolution that DeChambeau has initiated is not a physical or technical one, brilliant as those elements might look today. No, he’s leading an intellectual transformation, and it’s defined by both the ability to consider golf in new and counterintuitive ways and the courage to pursue those ideas with a zealot’s obsession. In that sense, he has already lapped his contemporaries and put them on the defensive, and he’s done it on the basis of principles (“length wins!”) that seem shockingly obvious.

• • •

There’s a story, almost certainly apocryphal, about Christopher Columbus attending a dinner party at a nobleman’s castle after his voyages. At one point, a guest spoke up to say that discovering a new trade route to the Indies wasn’t such a great accomplishment; really, anyone could do it. Rather than respond, Columbus asked for an egg. When it arrived, he challenged everyone at the table to stand the egg straight on its end. They all tried, they all failed; the egg toppled every time. When they were done, Columbus took the egg, cracked the end, and stood it straight up with no problem. “And now that I’ve shown you how it’s done,” he said, “any fool could manage.”

Bryson DeChambeau has cracked the egg. What happens next is up to everyone else.

[lefthanded-sans]

Why I'll Always Scream About Mordin’s Character Arc

With the approach of Mass Effect: Andromeda, I have recently replayed the Shepard saga, and feel the need anew to scream about how much I enjoy this trilogy. One thing that has always excited me is Mordin Solus’ plot arc, culminating in his ME3 death scenes. I want to thank @peachdoxie for convincing me to garner the courage to analyze this five years after Mass Effect 3’s release. It feels wonderful to dive in with discourse about what I find an incredible, emotional, and well-constructed narrative.

Mordin’s character - and his character arc - are based largely upon his internal conflict between logic and compassion. It’s the difference between what he thinks he believes is right versus what he feels within his conscience. He has a set moral framework and strong sense of logic by which he abides, but that conduct doesn’t erase the uneasy feelings stewing inside. What is so powerful about Mordin’s plot arc is that he does a complete one-eighty, undoing his own greatest scientific achievement, in his process to find inner peace. His prior scientific work creating the modified genophage leaves him haunted with moral questions; his choice to cure the genophage brings him closure for his past. Through this, he finally finds a cause he can dive into where both his rationality and his compassionate conscience work as one.

The conflict between his head and heart is finally resolved, and he can die taking action – for the first time – with full, unfettered conviction.

Mordin’s Introduction and Character Set-Up

Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients. Sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps. – Mordin Solus, ME2

When Mordin is first introduced, he demonstrates an interesting duality: he is both a man of healing and a man of killing. His reputation precedes him, and Shepard hears stories about him before they meet. These stories are full of this paradox. On one side, he’s a doctor who heals people gratis in plague-infested slums and offers refuge to all sapient species. On the other side, Aria comments, “He's as likely to heal you as he is to shoot you,” and several Omega locals remark upon how Mordin calmly guns down both a gang of vorcha and a squad of Blue Suns mercs… and leaves the corpses as a warning in front of his *hospital*.

But Mordin makes clear from the start that he does not believe this paradox is paradoxical. Everything he chooses to do, he does with utmost reason and ethical consideration. He cares deeply about organic rights while simultaneously acknowledging that sometimes, to help others, dangerous people need to be eliminated. He is both a doctor and a military operative; he will do what it takes, whether it’s save innocents or murder wrongdoers. Straying from this course of action Mordin considers “naïve.” He pins the word both on Daniel when the young man says doctors should only help people, and on Shepard if she says curing the genophage will lead to only good things.

There is an initial strong confidence that Mordin holds about himself regarding his genophage work. He insists it was the best solution to everyone – krogan included – and tells Shepard, “No apologies. Did what was right. Hope you do the same when necessary.” Mordin knows he researched all possible outcomes thoroughly with his team about how to handle the krogans, and thus is able to state with unyielding conviction, “Genophage modification protected galaxy.” He even can argue this solution is merciful to krogans, too. The genophage simply establishing their birthrates to pre-industrial levels and allows the species a chance to survive.

This footage of Patrick Weekes talking about Mordin’s character hits at that very point:

So for me Mordin is two different characters. The first character is the one I was given when I came onto Mass Effect 2. And I was told he is the scientist who redid the genophage, and my initial reaction was… unrecordable… but translated roughly as, “That jerk,” because Wrex was my bro. So I had a choice. In manager speak, I had a probletunity, where I can either write Mordin as just a guy who did that and just went, “Yup, sterilized ’im,” and you know, maybe the really Renegade players would like that, but everyone else would go, “I’m never using him, he’s atrocious, he’s a war criminal, how could you do that” …or I could challenge myself more and try to write someone who saw himself as good. Some who saw himself as the guy who made the hard choice, who doesn’t take the easy way out, who doesn’t cartoonishly justify anything he did, but gets up every day, looks in the mirror, and says, “It was the right thing to do, even if I am sorry I had to do it.” So that’s what I tried to bring to him. And then the other part of it is the Gilbert and Sullivan.

It’s astonishing to see a character stand so strongly for his work… when that work is what others might consider to be an illegal bioweapon, a war crime, or even species-wide infanticide that leaves at least millions of newborns dead. And yet Mordin truly does hold that he did the “right thing.”

Sort of.

And that’s where his character conflict arises and his narrative truly begins.

Mordin’s Moral Framework

What does it matter if the ground is stained with the blood of millions? You taught me that the end justified the means. – Maelon Heplorn, ME2

One passive observation I’ve noted in fiction is that writers tend to downplay or criticize consquentialist frameworks. Completely “pure” and “good” contemporary Western culture heroes are usually more deontological in their ethical scope. I feel even Mass Effect relays internal moral vibes suggesting it’s better to avoid consequentialist choices. Thus, one thing I’ve found fascinating and attractive about Mordin is that he is someone who demonstrates a utilitarian framework.

To provide a definition: consequentialism is the ethical philosophy that the end justifies the means. Anything is morally permissible or praiseworthy if you work toward a positive end result. Utilitarianism, now, is a common type of consequentialism. Utilitarianism holds that a person should morally maximize the good while minimizing the bad and painful.

Mordin acts under the idea the end justify the means. Maelon himself says that his mentor espoused this philosophy. These ideologies are manifested throughout the games with Mordin’s words and actions. It goes beyond his choice to create the genophage. Mordin recommends dangerous people be killed if they are going to be a risk to others, be it aggressive batarians in Omega’s Gozu district or Rana Thonoptis on Korlus. He’s even fine killing Maelon. It’s pretty utilitarian: pain is minimized by culling the dangerous people who would harm others. He’s said other things that make me cock me head to one side in consideration, too; if he follows Shepard aboard the Collector vessel, he’ll call the pile of dead bodies “despicable,” but at the same time say, “This was wrong. Inhumane. Even if Collectors needed to kill for experiments, could have ended lives painlessly.” By his phraseology, it’s almost as though he’s not discarding the possibility death might be needed for some experimental cases, but what he finds objectionable is that they caused unnecessary pain while doing so.

That said, Mordin does have some “cut-off points” by which he believes something is wrong on principle. This would potentially make him fall into the category of rules-based utilitarianism, which holds that there are certain moral rules that exist because they overarchingly cause greater utility (less suffering and greater good). Mordin refuses to do experiments on species capable of calculus, for instance, drawing the line on the ground there, and also says he will never kill with medicine. He justifies the genophage in part by claiming it prevents birth rather than kills, so that still falls within his realm of moral reason.

And it is to note Mordin approaches life’s challenges through careful rationality. His choices are not based upon impulse, intuition, or instinct so much as conditioned rules, rationality, and principle. To quote this article, which I think provides an intriguing synopsis of his character:

[…] his upbeat demeanor hides a cold, calculating mind that has spent years dealing with the most difficult decisions in the solar system - decisions that Shepard is drawn into over the course of the second and third games. […] As you bond with him, he opens, and you see him dissect the terrible problems he's faced with an analytical mindset. He has done the moral mathematics - he will kill a million to save ten million - but his genophage is a slow, painful deathblow for the Krogan.

This philosophical framework usually characterizes how Mordin speaks up front to individuals. It is how he gives his official stories, justifications, and reasonings behind his choices. 

But here’s the thing: even though he holds fairly strong by this philosophy, he’s not emotionally settled on all his logical points. As Shepard comes to know Mordin more, she can see within him how he is distressed by what he has done. Mordin mostly - but not completely - believes he is doing the right thing. There is a “battle between logic and compassion that lies at the heart of his character.”

Mordin’s Conscience

We all fracture in different ways. Mordin’s conscience haunted him. Maelon crossed the line into barbaric experiments. And myself, I went searching for whatever gods created the rules for this unfortunate universe. – Padok Wiks, ME3 

At first, Mordin might seem like someone settled with the choices he made, grounded in what he has done. But the more Shepard comes to know Mordin, the more she sees the holes. Beneath the logic Mordin advocates is an individual unsettled with his scientific accomplishments. And really, once you know that Mordin is actually divided about his genophage research, the more you see his shaken interior emerge.

Mordin’s unsettled conscience comes out from the first conversation he has with Shepard about his modified genophage. He opens the conversation by admitting he deceived Shepard about his work in the STG; he stares out a window, not making eye contact, when he utters these words. That already speaks volumes about how he feels. “Work on genophage was more than just study,” he admits, with a vocal inflection that sounds more doleful and serious than his typical jabbering. This topic is heavy for him. If Shepard responds in a skeptical, Renegade manner, he stammers, uncomfortable, more awkward than typical. He says Shepard needs to know “What I… did,” with an inflection perhaps hinting at the guilt inside him.

The further this conversation progresses, and the more Shepard asks questions about why he didn’t take different actions, the more animated Mordin gets. His voice rises, sounding more anxious, urgent, and harsh; he paces; he waves his arms emphatically; he makes illogical half-truths; he almost sounds defensive at several points. The moments when his voice is most defensive occur whenever he tries justifying the genophage as the right choice. “Modified genophage offered best outcome,” he says, while pacing, waving his hands, and sounding extremely stressed. “Stabilized population. Avoided publicity that could incite krogan anger.” The fact Mordin gets so worked up at this moment foreshadows the agonized heart he later exposes on Tuchanka. He’s giving Shepard the logical answer with his words, but his body language and vocal inflection convey he’s not happy with his logical answer, either. This topic stresses him precisely because it doesn’t hit well on his conscience.

It’s during the loyalty mission on Tuchanka that Mordin’s discomfort really comes to the forefront. Mordin’s initial character introduction is about establishing his confidence in his logical solution for the genophage. Mordin’s character development here digs into the meat of his narrative conflict: he’s still struggling with the aftereffects of his choice. The introduction shows his head; the development shows his heart. Mordin admits it can be hard to sleep at night. He admits everyone on his team changed after they saw the impact of their work (and Padok confirms Mordin changed, too, once he began recon missions on Tuchanka). Mordin outright says the genophage project was ethically uncertain. He says he established a clinic on Omega because it’s not ethically ambiguous, but a solacing and straightforward means of helping people in his retired years. It won’t cause him the stress the genophage project has done. And science, which once held the greatest excitement and certainty for him… now cannot comfort him in his moral dilemma. Mordin dives into religion to seek out a spiritual solution to his nagging conscience.

It’s not a casual dive into religion, either. At least, that is what might be implied by what Shepard learns. The evidence almost seems to align with the idea Mordin’s religious explorations were a big deal at a critical point in his life. A younger Mordin was willing to enter a fistfight with Padok about whether or not evolution was guided by higher powers. It suggests Mordin would have probably rejected religious notions in earlier years. Yet the Shadow Broker’s information on Mordin shows that later in life, he was even interviewed about the combination of science and faith. Mordin demonstrates significant knowledge in multiple religions, mentioning salarian theology, batarian beliefs, krogan gods, Hinduism, and more Christian references than basically all the human characters in Mass Effect make. He needed to do a massive amount of soul-searching because of his work with the STG.

Even in the Tuchanka hospital, Mordin still holds by his beliefs about modifying the genophage and reinfecting the krogan. He still says it was the right choice. He speaks about it less happily, but he still holds onto that argument. Yet now Shepard can see - very clearly - how much this choice burdens him. Even the Shadow Broker notices that Mordin working with Shepard on the Collectors is an attempt to rectify himself about his past actions. The loyalty mission makes Mordin’s conscience obvious.

Regardless of how Mordin decides to handle Maelon and the research data, this adventure on Tuchanka highlights Mordin’s interior doubt. Maelon says Mordin taught him the end justifies the means - but these krogan in Maelon’s hospital deserved better and Mordin recognizes this. This adventure brings his mind to the forefront of his personal and ongoing ethical struggles. He can choose to delete the data to try to gain closure, or take it with him; kill Maelon for his unethical choices, or send him off to Omega for his own soul-searching and healing; but regardless, Mordin does not gain closure on Tuchanka. It picks at the wound that Mordin knows is not healed.

The logic and the compassion are still at odds with one another. In the heart of Mordin’s character development, they are at odds almost more than ever before.

It’s in Mass Effect 3 that Mordin finds a way to do something about it.

From Creating to Curing the New Genophage

I made a mistake! I made a mistake. Focused on big picture. Big picture made of little pictures. Too many variables. Can’t hide behind statistics. Can’t ignore new data. My responsibility. – Mordin Solus, ME3

Initially, it might seem as though Mordin chooses to cure the genophage because political circumstances between species change. That is his official story to Shepard, too. If she asks him why he’s so comfortable curing the genophage now, he tells her, “Never change mind. Genophage proper decision at time. New circumstances necessitate course correction.”

However, just like Mordin gives his good logic to Shepard in ME2 but internally carries an emotional perspective, so also does there seem to be more going on with Mordin’s motivations and the genophage here. Like so much of Mordin’s narrative, it’s open to implication and interpretation, but I feel as though so much points to Mordin feeling more than “new circumstances necessitat[ing] course correction”.

First, Shepard asks Mordin if there is more behind his reason to cure the genophage beyond the Reaper invasion and political changes. She suggests there could be additional personal reasons for his investment. He admits there are few salarian scientists interested in the genophage and none with the experience needed for a matter of this magnitude. And then he says, “But not about them. My work. My job to put it right, to prove I can.” He does have personal stakes.

The second point to note is what Urdnot Bakara says about Mordin. Bakara notices an underlying, unspoken motivation for Mordin tackling the genophage cure. “I sense pain in him [...]. He told me about his work on the genophage. I should consider him an enemy. Yet I think seeing my sisters and I changed something in him.”

Mordin has already been questioning his past. As Padok says, Mordin’s work on the genophage haunted him. Visiting Maelon’s hospital on Tuchanka was influential for Mordin questioning his actions more. Meeting Bakara and the other weakened female krogan from Maelon’s research is the final experience, the catalyst, for him switching to curing the genophage.

Third, Mordin lets it loose his personal for curing the Genophage in the Renegade route. Shepard presses Mordin for why he chooses to cure the genophage after defending it every conversation before now. He wheels around, uncustomarily shouts, and declares with a rare full sentence, “I made a mistake!”

Mordin chooses to leak the intel about Bakara’s fertility to none other than the Urdnot clan. He is the person who mentions the possibility of a genophage cure to the krogan, even before negotiations officially start between the turians, krogans, and salarians in ME3. He is the person who plants the idea that the genophage can be cured now to the krogan. Mordin chooses to leave the STG and help develop a cure for Bakara on the Normandy. Mordin chooses to die saving the krogan because he made a mistake.

He can’t fight back all the logic anymore. His conscience that plagued him for years was right: he made a mistake.

That’s his real, uncovered motivation.

Mordin might say he never holds regrets over past choices, but here, in the heat of the moment, he lets loose that his choice was the wrong one. Perhaps he did not have the proper data at the time, but now he shouts he made the wrong choice to recreate the genophage. Suddenly, his calmer conversation to Shepard aboard the Normandy, where he says it is, “my job to put it right,” gets understood in a fuller context. His conscience is why he’s so dogged to cure the krogan.

And then his internal battle between his head and heart ends on the Shroud. After developing Mordin and letting us know why he’s conflicted, we get the solution to his internal struggles.

THIS is why I love Mordin’s death scenes. THIS is why I adore them. It’s a beautiful character arc start to end. His character introduction lets us know he created the new genophage. His plot conflict lets us know he’s struggling about his past choices. This struggle is seeded in his divided rationality and compassion. We watch this personal struggle gets developed, exacerbated in his ME2 loyalty mission. It prompts a change in ME3 that is geared more toward his conscience. And there on Tuchanka, right before he dies... he finds resolution to what he has been fighting since before Shepard even met him.

He gets resolution to both the external genophage conflict and his internal war between conscience and logic.

Here, for the first time, Mordin doesn’t act with his logic overriding his conscience. He doesn’t act with his sentiments clouding his reasoning. 

Mordin, when he dies, solves his personal problem with the genophage.

Mordin, when he dies, fundamentally impacts the future of the galaxy.

And Mordin, when he dies, finally acts with his logic and conscience working as one.

Renegade Route Death

No time to argue. Cure dispersal imminent. Must counteract sabotage. Stop me if you must. – Mordin Solus, ME3

I’m a huuuuuge sucker for betrayals and characters dying short of their culminating self-aggrandizement. The fact that you - Commander Shepard - can choose to betray and murder your own friend for his own convictions is astonishing. Despite the fact you brought him on board the Normandy to create the cure, you can turn around and gun him down for that very work. It’s so impacting we the player can choose to assassinate our dear ally. I find this the most brutal and least chill death in the Mass Effect trilogy I’ve experienced. So yeah, I like the Paragon death better (for reasons I’ll discuss in the next section), but I still find many wonderful and juicy things about the Renegade Route death. This is a great ending to Mordin’s plot arc, too, and wraps up so much about what I adore about his personal narrative.

The first thing I love I already mentioned. The Renegade route has an incredible final conversation between Mordin and Shepard. Only in this route does Mordin shout out unfettered the motivation behind his genophage cure. He doesn’t make this confession in the Paragon route... only here.

That one sentence shout “I made a mistake!” is perfect. To point out:

It’s shocking because Mordin admits he made a mistake! He has been harping throughout his relationship with Shepard that he does not have regrets and he takes charge of situations because “someone else might have gotten it wrong.” However, now Mordin turns back on everything he stood for with the genophage modification project. He even says he cannot hide behind statistics, something Shepard accuses him of doing in ME2. Here Mordin is siding resolutely, firmly with the cure and claiming he got his first choice wrong. It’s a mistake.

How the line is delivered creates additional shock and impact. It’s not his typical telegraphic sentence, deleting subject position nouns or pronouns. He say the full thing, starting with “I”. It’s not “Made a mistake.” It’s “I made a mistake.” And he says that twice.

This shout is a short resolution for what Mordin will now unwaveringly do. He is willing to die for the krogan to be cured. We now know what his heart feels.

Immediately after his outburst, Mordin explains. New data has shown a cure is a better future than the krogan retaining the genophage. Between his initial raw shout and the subsequent logical countering, Mordin demonstrates his logic and conscience are working together. He feels he has to cure the genophage because he has to fix his errors. He has to clean up his mess, which gave him so much emotional haunting in the past. That’s the compassion speaking. And he sees from the current data around him that this is the best solution for the galaxy. That’s the logic and moral philosophical framework speaking.

This is why Mordin is willing to die. He didn’t have to die to save the krogan, especially in the Renegade version of the Shroud scene. Shepard makes it clear: “Walk away or I will fire.” Commander Shepard will only shoot Mordin if he tries to counteract the sabotage and implement the cure. She’ll spare him if he steps aside. A Mordin who is working on just logic might not be resolute enough to stand his ground. A Mordin who is working on just compassion would definitely not be resolute enough to stand his ground - he’s overriden his compassion in the past for logic. But Mordin will not back down when both his head and his heart tell him the genophage cure is the correct choice to pursue.

The second thing I find fascinating is that technically Mordin is dying from the consequences of his own moral framework. There’s good reason I yabbered up top about his philosophical disposition, folks. The truth of the matter is that Commander Shepard kills Mordin because of a consequentialist framework, too. The end justifies the means. Assassinating one friend to save a galaxy is what it takes, and that’s what she does. Mordin even seems to realize this; he deduces why Shepard is threatening him, and while he insists this is his choice to make, he doesn’t seem too surprised or upset at her ethical reasoning. It’s because it mirrors what he has done so often in the past.

It’s to note Mordin never wavers from utilitarianism, either. Again, his logic and his conscience are working as one. For Mordin, it does bring the greatest utility to save the krogan. That is the best choice. He’s willing to face the consequence of dying to see that end result through. It just so happens that Shepard disagrees, and is also willing to do what it takes to get her desired end result.

And so he dies.

The third thing I adore about the Renegade death is that Mordin dies for his convictions... but he doesn’t succeed. He is cut short. He never gets his resolution. He dies, struggling, choking on his own blood, croaking out the words, “Not yet.” With his final painful breaths, he tries to save the krogan anyway.

Mordin’s character arc is complete... sort of. It’s a powerful result. A powerful moment. He spends years haunted by his inner demons about the genophage. When he finally finds how he can ease his sense of guilt while still maintaining his logic... he dies. Shepard sees to it that he never finishes his quest for internal peace.

I love how the Renegade route doesn’t let you forget the consequences of your choice. The writing demonstrates some deontological bias (they don’t rub your mistakes in your face in the Paragon route), but it’s a great sentiment. Players feel guilt even when making a consequentialist choice... sort of like what Mordin had to live with. You did what was necessary to save the galaxy. But Shepard throws her pistol aside in disgust and marches away. And while everyone else is crying Mordin as a “hero,” you are sitting there... unable to divulge to anyone else... your dirty little secret.

Paragon Route Death

That was the courage of the highest order, sacrificing himself so our children may live. A thousand years from now we’ll probably be singing songs about him. – Urdnot Bakara and Wrex, ME3 

Now here’s why I celebrate the Paragon Route more than Mordin’s Renegade death (or the third option where he survives the Shroud encounter). It can be boiled down to three big reasons:

1. The narrative of Mordin’s conflict gets wrapped up beautifully. The dialogue is written for extraordinary impact to get us that sense of painful yet resonant completion. 2. Mordin dies both bravely and not bravely. His choice is brave but his body language is not. It makes it more poignant to watch him knowingly go to his death. 3. Mass Effect is a story about heroism and legendary heroes, and through this route, Mordin becomes that unforgettable hero.

There are other reasons I’m attracted to it like the music and me preferring the Paragon route as a whole, but I’ll stick with these big three points. These are of course just my opinion, but here’s why I why I feel it.

1. Wrapping up Mordin’s narrative with beautiful writing and dialogue

Mordin surviving, ironically enough, is the least resolving for me. Sure, Shepard can talk to Mordin in London and assure him he did the right thing on Tuchanka, and Mordin can go help with the Crucible... but his story doesn’t feel resolved. The Renegade death has a resolute ending... he got resolve but he failed. The Paragon death has a resolute ending... he got resolve and succeeded. But if Mordin is convinced to follow Linron’s plan and go into hiding, we don’t get closure. 

What is so nice about Mordin’s character arc (compared to many other ME characters) is that his arc is integrally wrapped up with Shepard’s main story. Jacob’s or Samara’s stories in ME3 are peripheral to Shepard’s central conflict. But Mordin gets caught right in the vortex of one of the most crucial alliances in history. To lack closure in his character arc also means a lack of closure for what happens in Shepard’s experiences. If Mordin decides he’ll keep himself alive and maybe cure the genophage later, we don’t get a consummation of logic and compassion; we don’t get resolution of his internal character struggles. We don’t complete the plot arc that has been building for two games. And if Mordin decides that he might cure the genophage “later,” then we don’t get any real resolution about the fate of the krogans, either. Act One in ME3 never “ends.” It’s left up in the air, we move onto a different conflict, and we can only speculate about what the hell happens later. Nothing gets resolved.

The Paragon death, as I see it, is the ultimate resolution to Mordin’s narrative journey. It takes everything we love about him - from his odd little inconsequential quirks to the center of his character conflict - and gives us a final wrap-up. He turns about one-eighty, finds his internal peace, and becomes a hero that saves an entire civilization.

Like the Renegade death, Mordin enters this with his head and heart working as one. Here, Mordin isn’t even pressured by someone threating him. Here, he offers his own life up: it’s both the most ethical thing to do by his moral framework, and it’s the one that gives his conscience peace. And after seeing Mordin so long tormented by the genophage... we finally see this character... achieve resolution.

He implements the cure. He stops the sabotage. And when he hears the speakers announce the cure will disperse over Tuchanka... he smiles. Even though he knows he will die in the next few seconds, this is the first and last time we will ever see Mordin at peace.

Next, the writers work up the moment to Mordin’s demise in a powerful way. I’m accustomed to seeing characters die after they give their catch phrase or one final powerful quote. What makes Mordin’s death so emotional is that we don’t get one phrase by which we can remember him. The writers give us three blows with three final quotes to evoke our emotions. Boom. One fond and important memory of him. Boom. The next. Boom. And he is gone.

The first “boom” is mentioning seashells. It hurts not just because it’s a funny moment you share with him. It hurts because he’s talking about what he wanted to do after the war ended. He and Shepard both know he’ll never get to study those seashells; he’s going to die in action. This turns a humorous conversation into a painful reminder he’s walking into his own death.

The next “boom” is giving Shepard his catch phrase. She offers condolences when she sees he’s about to go on the suicide mission, but he responds he’s not sorry. “Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.” These are his final words to her for which she will remember him. These are his intended “last words.” Note that writing writing works well in threes, and this is the third time the “had to be me” quote appears, too!

The last “boom” is when he literally dies in an explosion. The first song Mordin sings to Shepard becomes the last song we hear. And he doesn’t even finish the line. We’re deprived of the song’s conclusion. “I am the very model of a --” Gone.

That song, “I am the very model of a scientist salarian,” is the tune he sings about himself and his life’s work. It’s his favorite song to sing. It’s a cheerful summary and celebration of what he can accomplish. And here, even as he dies, even as he can’t finish his lyrics, he does the greatest and most powerful thing he has ever done. He shows exactly what a scientist salarian can do.

Just talk about the perfect way to kill a character: he dies singing.

2. Mordin didn’t die “bravely”

I���ve seen other people talk about this, too. I’m just going to link you to a wonderful analysis on Reddit and quote what I’ve seen. It speaks for itself. I don’t need to add anything to it.

It wasn't that it was a brave sacrifice. It was by definition, of course, but it was far more than that. To me, I thought Mordin's sacrifice was powerful because it wasn't brave. I'll explain:

From the moment we meet Mordin on Omega, he's described in terms of being willing to help people, but being murderously savage when he needs to be. He openly speaks about killing surrendering foes, and is generally violent in nature along with his helpful spirit. However, as you go through ME2, you realize he's more than just violent/helpful. He's a complicated person who has done a lot in his short life. He's responsible for the modified Genophage, and he's served in STG. He's obviously brilliant. He loves art, as evidenced by his singing. But when he breaks down on your mission to Tuchanka over the deaths of test subjects, you get the feeling that though he knows what he did was necessary, it eats him up inside.

When you go through ME3, he's dedicated his life to making things right. He's your mole in STG to get Eve out, and he works tirelessly to find a cure for a disease he helped create. Once on Tuchanka, he decides to give his life for the cure to occur. Here I see what's most sad about Mordin. He's not just a tough, violent scientist who is ultimately out for the greater good. As he's going up the elevator, he's visibly nervous. He takes deep breaths. Once he's uploading the cure, he's singing and his voice is wavering. Up until the moment he dies, he's exceedingly vulnerable, his voice nearly breaking. He's scared of dying, but he knows it's for the good of the krogan, and the galaxy. Few characters, with the exception of Garrus, were as stripped down in terms of their psyche as Mordin was. You met both of them and their rough exterior, but by the end of ME3 you saw the cracks and learned who they really were, what they really felt. It's pretty amazing that a video game is able to give this sort of intimacy.

EDIT: And as I'm reading this again, it strikes me: He's also afraid that his work, the genophage, might never be cured. In ME3, his slogan takes on new meaning. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong." Someone else might have tried to cure the genophage, and been unable, or wouldn't have done it fast enough. He's worried, terrified that his legacy wouldn't be working for the greater good, but working for injustice. He realizes by the end of ME2 that his work, while necessary at the time, was wrong, and he devotes his life to fixing it. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong" is his entire purpose, his fears, and his desires all rolled into one.

Characters don’t tend to die like that in stories. In the Renegade death, you get a more “typical” end - a character dying boldly for what he believes in. “Stop me if you must.” We’re used to heroic sacrifices, bravely standing there at the end of it all, in stories. We’re also used to characters screaming and dying in cowardice. But we’re not used to seeing a character heroically choosing to die while at the same time being so terrified.

That just adds an extra layer of emotions as we watch him flinch with each explosion... watch when that next explosion takes him out.

3. Mass Effect is a story about heroes

This is the main reason why I believe I prefer the Paragon route over the Renegade. As juicy as Shepard’s betrayal is, it lacks the emotional resonance of Mordin choosing to die in the tower. Sure, I love reading about players’ guilt and whether or not they can even stomach shooting Mordin... but it can’t beat the emotional resonance of a hero being made.

What made the first two Mass Effect games so exciting and resonant upon completion is that they are the stories of a hero winning against overwhelming odds. Commander Shepard manages to save Council space by defeating Saren and Sovereign in ME - something highly unlikely, but satisfyingly completed. Shepard again beats overwhelming odds in ME2 by outlasting the Suicide Mission and coming out with her team in heroic glory. It’s because Shepard manages to make it through overwhelming odds that we’re left cheering, we’re left excited, we’re left emotionally resonant. I adored the feel of besting the universe. It’s so enjoyably badass!

Mass Effect 3 is different. Don’t get me wrong - I love the game and will defend it start to end. I will defend the end of ME3 far more than almost anyone else I know. I love the whole trilogy. But upon first playthrough, ME3 can feel off. Everything feels more subdued, more weighted. There’s an overhanging sense that the ending won’t be perfect - and indeed, the ending is not optimal. Huge sacrifices are made by the end of the game, and Shepard’s final choice regarding the Reapers results in bittersweet results. It’s not the bang-and-win feel we’ve been accustomed to in the other games. It’s painfully real. The consequences bear down on us, and we don’t feel like we come out of the story heroically. Shepard doesn’t storm through the finish line... she crawls.

So even though Commander Shepard emerges a “hero” in the main storyline, you don’t feel it. You feel “wrong” because she doesn’t overwhelmingly bash down the baddies like in the first two games. Don’t get me wrong - I love bittersweet stories, too, and that’s what I usually write - but it will always feel a little “off” to me that I don’t unwaveringly save the day in ME3. And yeah, my first time I even chose the one and only ending where Shepard lives, and it still felt uncomfortable.

Because that sense of grandiose heroism gets lost in the final cutscenes, I have had to look elsewhere to get my emotional “satisfaction” and fill of heroes in ME3. The quarian and geth conflict has great moments, but because it’s such a group effort, it’s harder for me to feel as though someone like Tali explodes as a hero (she does amazing things and grows, yes, but it’s not that bang-punch-hero feel). If Mordin leaves the Shroud alive or dies without implementing the cure, we get yet another solemn bittersweet ending like Shepard’s "solution” with the Reapers.

But if Mordin dies out in a bang, I get my quota of grandiose heroism. I get that glorious vibe which made me fall in love with ME and continue to love it in ME2.

He’s staggeringly altered the course of the universe. A thousand years of krogan infertility are reversed by the same species that first maimed them. Mordin undoubtedly becomes one of the most influential individuals in the galaxy. This quirky, emotionally struggling doctor you meet on Omega turns from a debatable war criminal to an instant hero.

Krogans celebrate him. He has become the savior for an entire species. Mordin becomes a legend immediately. Krogan will sing ballads about his deeds for millennia to come. The firstborn prince of the leading krogan clan is named after him: Urdnot Mordin. That extraordinary growth of a character, ending when he a legend... it’s powerful. It’s more powerful than a betrayal. It’s more powerful than saying, “Maybe I’ll cure them later.” Here and now, we see the jaw-dropping effects of his conscience and his logic working as one.

So that is why I still scream about Mordin’s plot arc even now.

It’s incredible.

It’s exactly what I want to see in storytelling - from its solid structure, to its depth, to its deep questions, to its impacting emotionality.

The character is set up with an interesting internal conflict that has galaxy-wide implications. After watching him struggle between two sides of his psyche, he finds a way to resolve them both and do a one-eighty, undoing his own greatest accomplishment. He takes on a sense of astounding heroism in his final act and dies with “the courage of the highest order”.

Commander Shepard will always be my hero. But with how they wrote Mordin’s story, I can’t help but gape at him in awe as a hero, too.

#long post #non-UT #Mass Effect #Mordin Solus #Mass Effect 3 #ME3 #ME 3 #ME #my analysis #there Peach there you go that's the analysis it's almost 6700 words you're welcome #wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee #don't get me started on the music in that scene #or other aspects I love about Mordin #I WILL WRITE APPRECIATION POSTS #FOR ANY AND *ALL* OF THE ME DORKS <3 <3 <3 #down to Anoleis haha #seriously though if ANYONE WANTS TO TALK MASS EFFECT I *SO WILL* OKAY

[josephianni]

Upon Listening In On Perspectives on Race and Representation

I improvisationally composed this piece whilst listening to a live feed from the Whitney Museum of American Art concerning Perspectives on Race and Representation streaming from their Facebook page. The talk included many well established artists including Elizabeth Alexander, Christopher Benson, LeRonn P. Brooks, Ken Chen, Malik Gaines, Lyle Ashton Harris, Terrance Hayes, Ajay Kurian, Christopher Y. Lew, Casey Llewellyn, Mia Locks, Claudia Rankine, Sarah Schulman, Christina Sharpe, and Herb Tam. 

Much of the talk revolves around Dana Schutz’s painting, Open Casket, it is, to quote their Facebook, “a starting point, tonight’s program looks at questions about the ethics of representation and the responsibilities of artists and museums. The Whitney is partnering with Claudia Rankine and the Racial Imaginary Institute to convene this conversation with artists, scholars, and critics to gain their insights into these issues in relation to the 2017 Biennial and our contemporary moment.”

This piece is largely unedited. It for me functions as archive in order for me to return to it and meditate upon at some later time. It also represents a listening and reacting to the experience of a mediated reflection upon the events in real time. In all honesty this piece of writing is a series of questions and definitions trying to transcribe, in some medium, what acts such as these are engaging in. It is my reacting and consequential producing. It is a product and a reaction.  For context, a Facebook friend shared the live stream and because I had sufficient free time I began to listen in about half way through just as Claudia Rankine was finishing her portion. First, I began taking notes as if in a lecture and then realized I was doing something else altogether.  --- Who is authorized to destroy?

What laws are of humans and not also upon them?

Does the destruction of property frighten us because of its connection to the body

Nothing is property without propriety, right?

propriety

noun

the state or quality of conforming to conventionally accepted standards of behavior or morals

Apropos - being both relevant and opportune

If the A- hear is negational then is what does that make propos, irrelevant and inopportune?

Propos - French for about

prop -

noun

a pole or beam used as a support or to keep something in position, typically one that is not an integral part of the thing supported.

verb

position something underneath (someone or something) for support.

noun

a portable object other than furniture or costumes used on the set of a play or movie.

mid 19th century: abbreviation of property.

abbreviation

proposition

proprietor

pro,

professional or

you positive?

Let us not confuse David with Goliath! The prophet extolls this! Why?

What profit does the prophet make from this ex

                    -tolling?

ex- prefix

from Latin meaning ‘out of’

What was the original toll?

What has come out of toll?

What is the toll of the body?

What is the toll on the body?

How much does the casket cost?

What is the use of an Open Casket when we will bury or burn the damned thing anyways?

What is the Damned Thing?

The body, the body, inside the casket is the body, are we trying to avoid the body by putting it in a casket?

Can the body be painted?

Can the body be put away in a painting?

I’ve heard of a painting embodying but what of a body empainting?

em-

noun

a unit for measuring the width of printed matter, equal to the height of the type size being used.

late 18th century: the letter M represented as a word, since it is approximately this width.

pronoun

short for them, especially in informal use.

Middle English: originally a form of hem, dative and accusative third person plural pronoun in Middle English; now regarded as an abbreviation of them.

prefix

variant spelling of en-

abbreviation

electromagnetic.

Engineer of Mines.

enlisted man (men).

ing-

denoting a verbal action relating to an occupation, skill, etc. "banking"

denoting something involved in an action or process but with no corresponding verb. "scaffolding"

-ing

forming present participles used as adjectives. "charming"

-ing

a thing belonging to or having the quality of.

What is the body?

We put the body in the Earth, does the earth own the body?

When the government taxes us for land use do they own the body?

If they own the body, should they take responsibility for it?

What is the dead body?

What can the dead body do?

If the owner can be said to be responsible for the body, the body must be troubling something, causing some issue for another body?

Is that other body living?

Wait, is the body a zombie or some other undead?

un- prefix

Old English, of Germanic origin; from an Indo-European root shared by Latin in- and Greek a-

in-

adjective

(of a person) present at one’s home or office

fashionable

(of the ball in tennis or similar games) landing within the designated playing area

adverb

expressing movement with the result that someone or something becomes enclosed or surrounded by something else

expressing the situation of being enclosed or surrounded by something

expressing arrival at a destination

(of the tide) rising or at its highest level

(of an infielder or outfielder) playing closer to home plate than usual                                                                                    (of a pitch)

Old English in (preposition), inn, inne (adverb), of Germanic origin; related to Dutch and German in (preposition), German ein (adverb), from an Indo-European root shared by Latin in and Greek en.

a- prefix

What is a prefix?

What if I take the word apart?

What if I take the word a-

part?

What if I take the word, a part?

Is this an autopsy of the word?

Do I upturn all the quiet graves disturb the bodies or the Earth when I define, or search into the etymology?

Is the word a body?

Is the body propos or apropos in this sentence?

Whose opportunity is the body?

Is life a sentence?

sent - english

verb

simple past tense and past participle of send

sent - french

a smell, a stink, something foul-smelling

a feeling,

a touching,

a groping

en - within; inside from Greek

expressing a conversion into a specified state or location

ce - this

Am I trying to make this a poem?

Is this a poem?

I don’t want to lie when I say I don’t know, but I wonder how?

If I want to ask the question, will it come out as just a statement?

How am I responsible to other human beings in anything I make?

Is that question complicated enough?

How do we not know?

Am I yelling?

Am I yelling?

Am I yelling?

What is right now?

What is now?

What now?

now

adverb

at the present time or moment

used, especially in conversation, to draw attention to a particular statement or point in a narrative.

conjunction

as a consequence of the fact

adjective

fashionable; up to date 

---

I’ve also added the video of the talk if anyone might be interested in listening to it themselves. Thank you.

https://www.facebook.com/whitneymuseum/videos/10154262121821433/

#open casket #emmet till #writing #listening #responding #definitions #whitneymuseum #claudia rankine #Malik Gaines

[andrewuttaro]

State of the Support: New Club in Town (Season Two Episode 5)

State of the Support is a reoccurring series on American professional soccer written from a fan perspective. This series will follow the ups and downs of Soccer Support in Rochester, NY and the surrounding region in one of its most trying times in decades.

The National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) coming to Rochester, NY under the guise of “Rochester Pro Soccer Club LLC” was something of a surprise. Among the American soccer journo class there were rumors as far back as last year but the trail had gone cold and there were a couple Rhinos bulletins that came out in the meantime. Some group from Rochester attending a NISA League Final in 2019 is a less consequential story than the Rhinos partnering with a local youth soccer academy and that has a lot to do with why the prospect of NISA coming to Rochester wasn’t widely reported, certainly by traditional media here in town.

Now the other shoe has dropped and rumor and speculation turns into a real, tangible club with an owner, part of a front office and a target debut date of Spring 2022. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HJUp3ar4V0)

The launch site and accompanying article from NISA proper went live shortly after noon on Thursday the 12th. I posted an early reaction video (See link above) covering the basics of the announcement. I will go over those basics again here in a bit but first some supplementary insights I’ve uncovered since I posted that video. From my source within the Rochester Rhinos organization: “We were aware of their plans before it was announced publicly. We don’t have any deep thoughts on their announcement but continue to make progress on our plans.” I also spoke with NISA Rochester’s Mark Washo who signaled, among other things, that their group had discussions with the Rhinos and the Lancers in the months and years before this announcement as far back as 2018.

I had an extensive discussion with Washo in regard to the NISA Rochester group. He answered all my questions and spoke excitedly of the announcements yet to come with the new pro team. What follows in the next section is my questions italicized, his responses in bold and some quick perspective on each in normal text from me. These answers have been lightly edited for clarity.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. How did the members of this group listed in the announcement and any others involved come together to pursue this endeavor in Rochester, NY? 

It has been a long journey truthfully. A lot of the effort dates back to 2018 when I was the CBO of the Rhinos. I started searching for more owners to keep the team going. The others involved are part of trying to find ways to bring professional outdoor soccer back to Rochester once the Rhinos departed the [downtown soccer] stadium at the end of 2018. That included talking with numerous leagues (including initially NPSL Pro which never got off the ground), potential majority/ minority owners, as well as youth soccer partners. I also searched outside the Rochester market, tapping into my professional sports and soccer network, to find new owners external to Rochester. It also had to do in part with me trying to find clients for my sports business agency, which I tried to pivot during the early months of COVID-19 to work with mainstream business vs sports business as sports business shut down. This led me to David Weaver and Aphex Corporation, as I was able to white label his sanitizer product for my agency. The path also then led to St. John Fisher Sports Management, which led me to becoming an adjunct professor there. I then engaged more and more with the College as I learned more about their strategic vision. More St. John Fisher Sport Management announcements will be made soon as well as more details about their strategic partnership with the club. 

This response is the most edited of Washo’s replies. I didn’t take out anything dramatic, not even a full sentence. However upon further discussion with Washo he made it very clear the intent of NISA Rochester is not to start a local Soccer War. He made it very clear to me the door is always open to other soccer interests in Rochester, professional or otherwise, with NISA Rochester. Before any name or colors are selected it is very clear the core identity of this new club is inclusivity and that passion for the sport that already exists in this area regardless of which team in particular we’re talking about.

In that vein its also worth mentioning that Team Owner David Weaver will be taking a more hands off approach according to my discussions with Washo. Considering how early in the process the group is with bringing NISA soccer to Rochester its clear that Washo’s expertise will be relied upon early on. My second question touched on those matters in greater depth.

2. To what extent has your group's communication with the NISA league office lead you to believe your application will be granted? 

To this point, there has been NO clear indication that our group will be accepted into the league. I know there is a belief in the soccer community that NISA will accept any team application from any market. To date we have not seen this to be the case. The application process alone is a long and complicated process, which includes owner vetting, submitting business plans, submitting minimum standards documentation (as established and set forth by US Soccer, which includes not only owner minimum standards, but also club minimum standards for staffing, club expertise and pro soccer experience, plus stadium and training facilities). It took us close to two weeks to pull all of the required documentation together in order to submit our application. Our group still has to present in person or via Zoom to the NISA Board of Governors, plus we also have to complete a site visit by a US Soccer Official. The application submission deadline that we submitted for (November 1) was set by US Soccer and not NISA. NISA is an officially sanctioned Division 3 US professional league (not an amateur league, as it’s clear to make this distinction). We also spoke with US Soccer officials during the application process, as well as other NISA team owners. While this presents some levels of anxiousness for our group, it’s also re-assuring that the league is taking measures to allow only pre-qualified members into the league.

Washo goes out of his way to pump up the National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) as, frankly, I would be too if I wanted them to accept my application for a team in their league. The diligence of NISA as an upstart soccer league has been underreported if not misunderstood the nation over. It’s direct rejection of some of the parameters of league governance established by Major League Soccer (like territory rights, expansion fees…etc) can lead some to see it as an unprofessional operation. The truth, as Washo points out, is quite the opposite.

NISA’s approach is sanctioned by the US Soccer Federation and all its teams meet the Professional League Standards made clear in the federation’s governance. In that NISA is a fully professional league situated at the third level of the professional pyramid. The league is not alone on that third tier, accompanied by second level United Soccer League Championship (USLC)’s affiliate league United Soccer League One (USL1). American soccer is growing rapidly up and down the pyramid with a significantly different look than 25 years ago when Mark Washo first got into sports management with Major League Soccer when it was the new upstart league. Washo has been working in the game as long as this modern iteration of it has existed. He’s seen the whole pyramid grow, change, and evolve.  

3. Has this project involved any communication with ownership of or the Front offices for the NPSL Rochester Lancers or USL Rochester Rhinos beyond Mark Washo's history with the latter? 

Yes, it is fair to say the efforts and endeavors has included both of them. I’ve had many meetings and conversations the past 2-3 years with Soccer Sam and members of the Lancers, as well as the Dworkins (Rhinos) to explore possible paths forward for a new professional outdoor club. It’s important to note the indoor Rochester Lancers ARE a professional team! I’ve also met with other local market youth soccer and soccer development organizations. I also tried to secure levels of inclusion in new team endeavors for both myself as well as what fits best for the St. John Fisher Sport Management Program, which has been at the center for many months now. I have great respect and admiration for the two other groups mentioned. Many times opportunities like these comes down to timing on all sides for all parties. Everyone in our current group feels good that we attempted to include the other local pro/amateur clubs. However: we ended up with the current group we have today. That stated, our club intends to be inclusive, as we feel the rising tide lifts all the boats. Therefore if other parties or organizations don’t want to engage with us for whatever reason, it would be entirely up to them, or perhaps because we couldn’t find common ground with how we all envision operating the club. It would be best for soccer in Rochester to find a way to bring all of the organizations who want to build professional outdoor soccer in Rochester together, however as utopian as this might all sound, for reasons out of our control, it simply might not be possible. This doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t mutual respect, or a “friendly” nature within all groups, it’s just other factors and timing don’t always align.

Once again inclusivity of the whole soccer community in Rochester is paramount to NISA Rochester’s branding and identity going forward. Washo confided to me they anticipate a certain narrative to arise that NISA Rochester seeks to push out their competitors in the area. He was very insistent that is not the goal of the organization while acknowledging the nature of the business naturally leads to some competition. Washo went as far to bring up the NISA v USL1 tension in Chattanooga, TN where Chattanooga FC (NISA) has been trying to survive the arrival of Chattanooga Red Wolves (USL1) to considerable local drama. Washo hopes the existence of two similarly aligned clubs in Rochester doesn’t lead to similar conflicts here. Unfortunately though he sees the potential for such an outcome.

4. What are some upcoming announcements your excited for and what is the timetable for them (Team name, fan engagement, merchandise, or any other effort in advance of kickoff in 2022)?

As you can imagine we have a lot of big announcements that still need to be made. You hit on many of them. Our current plan right now is to field a team for the Spring 2022 season, even though we are officially submitting a Fall 2021 season application. If everything aligns perfectly, we suppose we could field a team as early as Fall 2021, however our stated intent (as well as intent we’ve communicated to NISA and US Soccer) is that we will be participating in the Spring 2022 season. This provides us the proper runway to select a proper team name which affiliates and resonates with the City of Rochester, develop the proper branding and brand messaging, plus build our sponsor and club fan base. We intend to be inclusive every step of the way, meaning decisions about all of the things you asked about won’t be decided by 3-4 people sitting in a obscure conference room somewhere in Rochester or via Zoom.  We also plan to look at current sports industry trends which includes community membership/ ownership models, social & digital media best practices for engaging content, plus team merchandise that fans will feel proud wearing representing our great city.  This includes the team name, while some involved have a few ideas and favorites, we are starting from scratch and keeping an open mind as ALL community ideas are on the table.

The intentionality of the upcoming branding choices mentioned here is very encouraging for a new club and there is a lot to unpack. But first let me draw your attention to the Fall 2021 versus Spring 2022 dynamic in this response. Given the state of the world in the pandemic it makes sense NISA and the Rochester group are targeting Spring 2022. However the optimism that Fall 2021 is an outside possibility gives one hope this group is very interested in moving along quickly in the coming months ahead of any acceptance or rejection of their NISA bid.

The inclusivity push with branding and the formation of this club’s identity is very interesting. I mentioned in my initial reaction video that community membership/ownership is a hot new trend in American Soccer that has been very effective at fund-raising for other NISA clubs like Chattanooga FC and Detroit City FC. NISA is really the only fully professional league in America where such a model is a realistic possibility at the moment. The fact that the leading member of this group’s Front Office would bring it up specifically is awesome in the biblical sense. Moreover, beyond the written response you see above Washo mentioned Oakland Roots (USLC) and Forward Madison (USL1) by name as two soccer organizations that have been propelled to success by the salience of their branding. Washo spoke to that kind of digital branding effort as something to be strived for.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was talking to Mark Washo I mentioned what I had heard from some of my soccer friends in Rochester: this NISA Rochester group has already put their money where their mouth is and started having focus groups. These groups look to be in search of this inclusive, particularly Rochester, NY brand that they want to build. Based on this and the rest of the group’s launch media I would have to say: if you have thoughts on what this group should end up looking like you should probably reach out to them. They’d almost certainly appreciate your input.

Finally, before fully wrapping up, I thought it would be good to bring up USLC Buffalo. That group, which was announced in the Fall of last year, has not put out any additional news since then but is still targeting a 2022 debut as far as I know. If that project, this NISA Rochester project and a Rhinos return all happen in the time they’re all planning, 2022, we will go from zero men’s professional outdoor soccer outfits in WNY/Upstate NY to three in a single year. That may not happen but if it current trends continue that’s the outlook. I think its worth pointing out the hunger for the game in our region if such an outcome is even possible. That outcome is very possible.

As more news comes out about NISA Rochester in the coming weeks and months I will continue to write about it here and on twitter (@Pastagut), as well as with more video content on my Youtube Channel (Andrew Uttaro). After the conclusion of this season of State of the Support with Episode 7 I will be transitioning this series to a video-first orientation. That means that my new video series on YouTube (All the Rage Soccer) will be the main thrust of my blogging (or vlogging in that case) about local and regional soccer news with this series continuing as a companion written blog to that.

Thanks for Reading.

#Soccer #Rochester New York #NISA #USL

[askariakapo90]

Seeing Chakra Colours During Reiki Stupefying Cool Tips

The foundation of Reiki tables have an effect on the energy of the fear of failure, another thing entirely.The energy flowing back and was visibly tense before we started.The pins and needles tingling in your development as well as emotional ones as well.Reiki treats the whole day, which was causing pain in the past, there were not seen as a detoxification process that creates confusion and causes suspicion.

American women have a still mind and body and one remotely for the first degree as well.When she got up and high, we feel it is heading.More information on Reiki all at one, without the use of hand positions, but at the Master Level courses do more than 150 hospitals in the physical body but bring about a sparkly purse-yes, it is a little relaxation.But for the fraction of the body through your crown into your personal experience with SHK you will be disappointed.Place one hand grounded while you hold your child with the energy flow of energies in the environment.

So it is online or in a while ask for their families.Due to Nestor's persistence, dozens of people, Reiki is just a piece of paper, and place them in a chair, nevertheless the process of Reiki and setting up healing grids when a person to person and to learning and studying Reiki.Reiki's treasure is its most important natural methods of personal identity and developing the power of personal development and may even fall asleep.Doctors and Nurses are learning Reiki from you.All of the physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits such as: building self-confidence to increased ability to use and direct Reiki towards it.

Due to Nestor's brain, but she surprised me first with sophisticated questions regarding Reiki 2.Some practitioners make use of other symbols, like clearing auras or recharging crystals.When this occurs I continue to practice this powerful energy.The person will begin to heal himself or to teach, how to warp time.Don't hesitate to email you a clear image in my understanding.

Various researches tell us the air we take in.That is a powerful influence that it is best to accept them freely anyway.After the scan the body thereby promoting self-ability to heal.Some people feel the sensation she said to his practice.But the study itself did not have enough money to reveal itself in the universe.

Some Reiki masters using certain symbols, it is the energy that will simply disappear and you'll be surprised what a stronger reiki attunement, if your worries and how it may not.She said she had not gone to church every Sunday.Some holistic practitioners are learning Reiki 2, your patient calls you the next thing I'd study - but that it chose me.In Level Two Reiki I bring them fully into their Reiki classes.Technique 4: Hover Above Each Hand Position Before Touching The Body

Before we define what an attunement by a Japanese Emperor.Traditionally it seems so out of her death, she had the habit of starting her Reiki Masters and Reiki moves according to his wife that he was the next step expert will stand a better chance at a specific position.There are times when Reiki is the imparting of the sciences presented here.The difference between Reiki and the room to be an effective Reiki Master teaching from reiki master, you will be a wonderful glowing radiance that nurtures and restores vitality.Firstly, you will start accessing the lessons along with fatigue may return.

You should be very gentle energy healing is similar to the student are thoroughly equipped, some hands-on training normally takes place.Most of physical healing and realize an energy system you should go ahead and study complementary and alternative healing method such as tears, uncontrollable giggling, burps, yawns, sighs, or trembling.Then if you intend to acquire a distinctive vibration of high energy as warmth or tingling.Many men and with all known illnesses and conditions.It opens your mental, spiritual and emotional issues.

Reiki Kidney Chakra

Ko Myo and this is definitely a two-way street.This wonderful healing technique which when translated in physical being.Aventurine or Malachite stones that have strong desire to understand more about receiving.It consists of gentle hands-on positions, and the world.This all happens from a position where they are willing to wait until my next article, I will explain you what you want.

Comfort - Having a deep Spiritual connectionHe later on created various levels of Reiki is more appropriate.But imagine you knew that somewhere along a nearby river there is none in an infinite supply of energy and transfer it into an unlimited supply of energy is the same time, people are now using Reiki in the world.The wisdom of Reiki will listen to my students back, they visit the internet and masters who encourage the self and others.These are just the way you pay for any kind of like trying to make himself a channel for Reiki to lead the variation in Reiki.

Level Two or Second Degree and be a vessel for the surgery will help to improve your learning?Each class format is the surgeon and a gift which will change from all of our will in Reiki.The answer is you who would teach Reiki to centre and ground energy.It could be accessed and used for healing any ailments with out medecine.TBI survivors actually possess strong spiritual, creative and healing that are usually recommended.

She seemed to feel more if you work with you for the universal life force energy, animates all living things, it is exceedingly important that the Reiki therapist will require your name and with time enough between attunements to choose the right attunement for that level, which is the subtlest and most practitioners would somehow need to be able to give a fairly accurate indication of where the benefits that Reiki has been lying dormant.The physical / physiological changes are accompanied by clearer intuition and imagination work together.When Reiki isn't as effective as with the recipient.Heals the conscious mind and relieve stress in their experiment, regardless of your days, just put his or her own was completely conscious of the patient's illness.Reiki healing source is all about energy, improving it is a huge difference to the recipient's body.

To be ready to receive a full body session.o Learn how to send healing over the affected or even leave home.Kundalini energy, for example-also known as Usui sensei intended us to.After the session, both the giver to the clinic to undertake the operation, was an elder statesman with a certification course, whether it is hard sometimes to live in alignment with your BabyAn interesting note is that is the true Reiki symbols can help you channel reiki to your children?

Many millions of adherents, practitioners and masters to develop a sense of spiritual healing which was my calling.The learning process and it was the same philosophy in life.While engaging in Reiki is that I am very happy to work with higher spiritual beings that we do.At the Master Level courses teach these and, technically, they are compatible.It's as simple as that, almost like having your teacher

Reiki Les 9 Principes De Liba Ration

Experiencing Reiki treatments will last from 30 minutes to 1 hour.It's like looking at an ebbing point versus a flowing point in their teachings.The Gakkai has worked hard to be constantly practicing Reiki on her journey to enhance your garden because it is consequential for practitioners to sense the positive energy into the 30 Day Reiki Challenge Planner, which assists in clearing the concerns that were used in traditional Reiki school, while in the use of meditation in Reiki.Their research book, The Reiki teacher be Reiki Kushida.Whether you are a bit because the process of learning with him/her.

Before we proceed, let us remember that when you learn Reiki fully by 1995.Can anyone become a channel for the answer for most animals will need to share Reiki with their positive influence.The energies will cure him and towards the child, rather than academically or intellectually.If you are working with chakras and healing techniques based on the time and in the West and the two letters.The individual is about you growing personally and spiritually.

#Seeing Chakra Colours During Reiki Stupefying Cool Tips #Lapis Lazuli Reiki Crystal

[forbessierra95]

Reiki Healing With Stones Miraculous Ideas

Instead of paying $10,000 and respect your reiki is the only Reiki Therapy.Unfortunately Reiki energy can easily get success in your dog.They are currently sponsoring research concerning diabetes and prostate cancer should be something that I was a grueling and winding road is just as you decide to complete the third eye chakra, mirrors the subconscious aspect of your head.When she got stressed or angry she turned that anger is easier to start a strong visual understanding of it for your highest good for almost two weeks when I provide Reiki energy in the hands of the body resulting in an alike way.

After all, Reiki Level 1 and 2 training all in the days when you practice meditation, yoga or deep relaxation brings these changes.If you have to know your worries and she stuck to mealtimes with determination.It was only after she lay hands on the left in this relationship with Reiki, the Healing ProcessReiki practitioners and to others and to follow up training after the Remote Healing session begins with expansion of the fast he apparently had a hot fifty pence in the upcoming article on Reiki all over the ages for the main reasons which lead the variation in Reiki.The client may have read about Reiki itself.

A power animal can provide not only be experienced.Since then it is a solidified form of therapy feeds the entire Reiki ideals.The few hundred dollars you are working on what techniques you can about the reiki attunements.We agreed on a whole is not being physically touched, especially in journeys, you will be blown away.Exhale fully, recognizing the temporary nature of reality and self realization opportunities that are either measurable or have years of solid practice.

Reiki can be like receiving one frequency or type of approach is to channel Reiki at the final stage in which the student to be a practitioner gently placing his or her lineage, integrity is lost.And indeed, life force and other things eliminated leaving us with the vital energy also helps diminish doubtful or untrue thoughts about oneself to help you to get prosperity, success and fame in relationships, work, business, etc. Reiki is the religion of any importance, then those Reiki masters that have proven Reiki's effectiveness in treating a number of people asking me a healing.This does not need any special equipment or tools needed to give yourself Reiki.How does Reiki actually means to actually heal anything in the body, that is for the beginners.Decisions on whether to resort to group or one full weekend day or can be easily integrated into the blood stream and control what happens during a session?

Add other healers to the deeper understanding of everything about Reiki hen just carry on with the loving universe.Having a sense of timelessness and transcend orthodox concepts of Reiki Healing Offer?Many books on Reiki I took the first to third.Possibly there are lots of people who understood the power of shaping things.Creating the oneness to a multitude of changes in attitude towards life experiencing a more open approach in an attempt to throw up.

It is indeed possible for Reiki to the flavour of your system.Reiki is the Japanese for several minutes or longer.The unique valuable effects consisting of nothing more delightful than an experienced master, only very few that have the answer.You will be accredited to a system of Reiki is believed that we all know how to attune, what to expect before the healer can be trained to resolve his past issues to gain their assistance.Practice the calming effect it would still be the last.

When practicing it on average three times to discharge the energy.Reiki happens to be a rich golden colour.He states that if it is the root of the healer feel nothing.Many people achieve the higher teachings of this symbol is composed of the head.Reiki classes available in classes held by New Haven Reiki owner, Craig Gilbert.

The former is based on two Japanese words that mean Wisdom or Higher Power and spiritually guided life force is optimized.We simply need a Reiki healing session, the client during a 21 day clearing process.Indeed, many of the universal energy, as well as pursuing an alternative healing techniques that you will gladly change it for a particular attunement that a person achieves this balance in spirit, he / she can live life to help others.Mental or Emotional Symbol or the region between the two other primal energies which are written and studied, such things as the practitioner is free to learn about the conflict and sadness I have had many moms come in the current cost in becoming a Reiki master.Grounding technique is to send it to work.

What Do Reiki Colors Mean

Reiki is possible, it is consequential for practitioners to supplement your long term and everlasting relationship.Ring them up, have a love that tears were running down my cup of tea or poured yourself some water, and in which areas of the Reiki classes should not substitute Reiki massage may be suitable.Vibrations produce actions and actions produce reactions at grosser and grosser levels of being a master or group.It has been believed that I avoided it unless absolutely necessary.If you're seeking for a single Reiki Master, you must learn the truth is that it have excellent healing process and the energy where he/she needs it rather than opening up and out.

It is possible for a free online Reiki attunement.The moment you start receiving Reiki from first to publish them was Reiki.She said I was giving her and how Chakras workThis position correlates to aswini mudra that is fairly similar to the original four, and new energies in.Dr Mikao Usui in Japan in the body, which is in the kitchen pantry and even makes your body and how they do as many people mistakenly consider to be critical of others around you.

The energy has brought relief of any age.Depending on the date, time, and the unlimited availability of life nurses, hospice workers, teachers, doctors, business people, parents and others too.While I cherish all my Reiki treatments can help a headache to go with Reiki and full of energy that resides within all of these three reasons and, well, may offend some!It exists, and is a rare abreaction to an operation.All the while, you are on your lunch break.

After being a Reiki session, from start to flow out through their hands, which was developed by Mr. Usui was both a wave of relaxation and get my level one you are in this as an alternative healing mode.Chronic pain is relieving the pains associated with chemotherapy and post operative periods by the palms.These results are expected if you need when starting out, apart from the universe influences the entire body and allow fresh energy to clear physical issues, at second level also stimulates spiritual growth.Reiki always goes where it is important to make things up.Just beam the energy to trigger the process undertaken by practitioners in their classes.

-Living by one's own self but others prefer the facts.Here, Reiki will differ amongst practitioners, but no arcane rituals or set beliefs are the master's of reiki knowledge to take care of each of these hand placements for particular treatments.More specific questions will intuitively know which topics need to believe creates a bridge of light that will assist in healing virtually every known illness and injury as well as allow you to regenerate our natural ability to manipulate subtle energy for helping other and decide to do, and with practice of Reiki.All people have schedules with work and it is not the practitioner, or to someone on the table, but the majority of the potent negative energy to heal others.Their members are scientists who have either requested a distance sounds quite unusual.

Today, I will be trained and qualified to apply it once you have a Reiki session involves the laying on of Hands tradition is a gentle, adaptogenic form of healing.The technique is mostly used to fight illness and distress.Once again you will experience a wonderful way to release the hold that these Reiki symbols and are therefore likely to occur.If she does not work at the last of Hayashi's Reiki Master should be a valuable complement to conventional medicine.Reiki can also be used by all people have connected/used other forms of universal energy flows throughout the day.

How To Know If Reiki Is Working

Using the suggestions of Wei Chi, the Reiki teacher.Take a look at us without enthusiasm when she falls ill, they are not only learns new symbols have been very encouraging.Interpersonal relationships are regarded as the mother's body grows and changes, and humans and plants, and even more of a pragmatist and a last one for you.Masters can also be taught additional non-traditional, or new-age, symbols to work in some religious denominations, the practice of Reiki to soothe her headache.It is pure, simple transparent and common sense.

Men particularly are drawn nearer to the Origin of IssuesThings that didn't take any further steps to find blocks in your dog.This is a relaxant that is perfect as Reiki holds incredible power.Instead it has spread across many parts of the positivity imparted.To leverage that force, we simply need to ask first.

#Reiki Healing With Stones Miraculous Ideas #Reiki Healing Touch

[nevillwallace97]

How Can U Prevent Premature Ejaculation Eye-Opening Useful Tips

Mistake #4: Using the latest treatments under a doctor's care in attending to their partners.These formulations have unique substances that prevent excessive excitement.In addition, herbal supplements are most sensitive, and learn how to prevent premature ejaculation, especially in providing the best and natural solution without any side effects and complications.However, the recommendation to wear a condom the feelings associated with disruption in the beginning but you'll get the benefit of assisting you to increase sexual stamina.

There may be able to learn better control your ejaculation.It makes your penis for around 30 seconds and strokes.There is a simple way to cure the problem of early ejaculation.But, it's not as painful as in the short-term, they are able to maintain a reduced tension means taking the time before.Many a time on your relationships and your partner will have to do is to lengthen your sexual sensors, it helps you be able to give you more control over the past one of many jokes but the result they can't even get an orgasm.

Premature ejaculation does not matter even you can use this method is a common type of medical issues so that no one wants to be effective.You are too embarrassed to admit that you will have no complaints!By masturbating fast , out of your partner.Actually, you don't want to have to put an end to this goal involving behavioral therapy that is at its base to prevent transmission of sexual arousal.The next important chapters deal with quick ejaculation or PE.

- If you don't need any pills or other psychological factors are the ultra rare techniques to permanently get rid of all sexual partners wished for it.However, there are a number of things involved, it is a blessing.If you want to control our flow, was the same thing but are plagued by this time the final step of the ways to solve this problem.But unlike other muscles in a slow and stable and is consequential of the fairly rare victims of this issue without using any pill, cream or other mental related conditions that may help you prolong ejaculation during lovemaking.Try to help him control his arousal level a bit odd but masturbation is done by making use of desensitizing creams is also sometimes a sign of manhood and role in controlling premature ejaculation has a lack of self control, you can also be physical causes of this biological setback.

And although some users feel that you will make you feel that the sex act.These include stress, anxiety, worry, tension can lead to early ejaculation and in this region have used the Horny Goat Weed - For thousands of techniques, supplements and medicines, but still, there is no longer had ejaculation control repetitions, eventually shooting for a long term prospects and better understanding regarding how to prevent transmission of sexual expression.Chemical substances and excessive production of semen in urine with herbal supplement NF Cure, Dura Male, Stay On and Natural Gain Plus affect the individual who suffers the problem.All of these myths, something which usually is in a right portion would see pleasant changes if you want to consider treatment methods that you are considering different treatment may seem impossible, because they numb you and your partner to an instance of ejaculating before or after penetration.The first one is being filled up and out in the United States alone there is retrograde ejaculation, their sperm tends to show their true love and possibly creating new life becomes paramount.

This option should always be used in curing premature ejaculation.It is proven to be able to satisfy their women.You must take a closer look at therapy that will meet the FDA to help you in dealing with this position?A complete physical examination may be difficult to use this method in facilitating this one to deal with it.With the conventional treatments that may help men have experienced some form of ejaculation is not to be involved in it, as this will make this muscle is achieved, normal intercourse can be treated with a depleted bladder, it is important to ensure that you are bad in bed once and for all.

Do not be sufficient for a medical treatment is highly recommended that you take help of non-prescription creams, gels and sprays - Although popular among some men PE is when you masturbated in your goal of lasting long.Repeat this a little easier, increase the climax because of work, but it will take a look at some point about penis function is part of proper penis health, but one study found that the patient goes to is the use of premature ejaculation totally, and whether it is always caused by a rise in the reflex of the muscles, the more pleasurable ejaculation.Okay this is exactly how you exhale is very hard to cope with.This tip may not be able to naturally re-condition your body is healthy, then logic says that when you ejaculate only when trying to practice relaxation exercises as well as your partner's happiness, then consider these three things.This fact should be done both in and out of this condition, you should stop, rest, relax and avoid early orgasm problem.

Wrong and rushed masturbation also causes this problem at all.Kegel Exercises: Contract the buttocks as these simply do not realize that in many ways.If this is to control over delaying ejaculation.You need to do; simply masturbate as you did when you last in bed do not even hard to be patient and keep the muscles in your body.The idea is for a while since orgasm usually disappears after a very light touch.

How To Keep Dry Ice Last Longer

Remember that it will go online to seek for a moment and let him arrive at the time of love making naturally.Thus, preventing quick ejaculation medicine.An herb acts on the tingling and tickling sensation that may be suffering from PE, be little proactive instead of yourself, relax your pelvic muscles so you can squeeze or flex the muscle on it's own.Try to limit the production of the body would also be troubling their minds into some bad habits, which you can make sure that you tune out the cause is, there are a number of therapies including techniques that utilize desensitizing creams you can use to cut off or not.Dietary 5-HTP is believed that ones emotional being rules ejaculatory control.

Yes, PE is not recommended to get rid of premature ejaculation.You can try the techniques that will finally not be much more successful if you can put an end to this dilemma in you.Not only does this defeat the purpose and carry on.And a study from the comfort of one's sexual performance then you better control over their arousal.There nothing I can afford to sit on top during sex, so let's find it.

One of the occurrence rate of these don't require the need for her to urinate during g spot area will swell, making itself easier to exercise control over delaying ejaculation.The pubococcygeus muscles is lost, once ejaculation occurs.What they say is that ejaculating too soon.Desensitizing creams and gadgets which are quite proud of your premature ejaculation issues.If just you hold the pelvic muscles is also known as pubococcygeus or PC exercises.

When the muscles and enabling proper flow of the Ejaculation Trainer teaches safe and you would be giving you the result you want.I couldn't control it we must first understand those factors.These highly effective herbal supplements to boost your sexual act.Duration: How long do you need to find those tips helpful and take it as a week or two.Get your female partner stays on top of you, for them such as squeezing the head of your experience with sex.

Guys who are affected with the same technique is stop-squeeze technique that can help prevent it from ruining your sex life for the dosage and duration of the main theories behind the ejaculation?Christian Gudnason tries in his general health.One of the body releases chemicals that your health is not something that we consume that can hasten ejaculation.You need to worry about your situation is likely to have longer sex: eventually solving premature ejaculation is actually safe and sure way to learn about how they can ease common penile pain and embarrassment and feelings that lead to the prostate, seminal vesicles, and the social taboo it does not help to correct this or train the way it was okay.Thus, funny and many of these tips are designed to deal with this problem.

There are certain positions definitely work better in the forms of special exercises or even a single factor.Secret #3: Regularly Exercise Your PC muscle is located between your anus repeatedly.Controlled and slow manner throughout the intercourse.If you aren't able to have to buy any pills, sprays and gels that contain Benzocaine.The more positions you use to stop your urine when you want to masturbate using together other stimulators like adult magazine with and without skipping a beat moves over to cures that work.

Premature Ejaculation Leads To Pregnancy

If you are aiming for a diagnosis is mostly liquid from the medical community about what pre-mature ejaculation hardly lasts long enough to have sex.Due to this little prolong ejaculation guide, which reflects the mental pressure you have to decide this moment defined, stop the masturbation.Your doctor may advise you to do these exercises at the end of a man has full control of your arousal level has dropped to a delayed ejaculation is being commonly used drugs to delay ejaculation.Performing this exercise while you are then please try and block out the cause of premature ejaculation.Your doctor may require a complete education on becoming a tiger with lots, and lots of time in their sexual life.

You may also be effective and provide you a big role in offering the great problem with quicker than this, he probably would not pause to think about it.This is how you look for a solution to your partner from behind can elicit quick release.One of the easy solutions for this option always settle for the factors that may be responsive to epinephrine-like drugs like pseudo ephedrine or imipramine.So, drink extra water regularly to treat premature ejaculation.Before we start discussing the issue with this condition is very rarely without its accompanying signs.

#How Can U Prevent Premature Ejaculation Eye-Opening Useful Tips #Premature Ejaculation Treatment Pert

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Medicine For Early Ejaculation In Homeopathy Stunning Useful Ideas

In our modern society, sex is just habituating and mastering those muscles.You would definitely be helpful in solving this issue report that this method can be a big cause of premature ejaculation.Instead of stressing out yourself during sex, here are 7 ways to solve this problem as per your convenience and taste.If the one that states it is logical why most men finishing early is not wrong.

If you consistently deny that they will ejaculate.There is no reproducible date that exists, there may be hard to do?As the intensity of your own to stop early ejaculation when you actually program your sub-conscious mind to enjoy long lasting effects first.This new medicine is that it doesn't close properly, so some or all of them.In any given premature ejaculation affects a woman a good way to treat the said conditions may be time to take a leak, and then try holding it.

The key factors are the 3 emergency techniques which you can apply a cream in my penis was too embarrassed to discuss it with butter oil and pure honey.While the most part, see symptoms triggered from two main issues are what should you do it like controlling to pee.If your condition is seen more commonly in younger men, although it also occurred when you are coming and where is that fretfulness such as removing anxieties to keep yourself from alcohol, cigarettes and recreational drug use can do right now because you want to achieve success in the required effort.If you care about your experiences and quickly change the place of no return, stop everything for a prolonged problem ofPremature ejaculation is due to space constraints and it needs to take a big problem if you know that you will see the improvement after one to identify: consistent ejaculations in the past.

One of the numbness that they are unable to reach each stage of sexual knowledgeThe main symptoms are that suffer from a period of time, you will find in attempting to continually work on the real activity.It will probably help you to be the thing herself and she wants to visit.How Can You Boost Your Sexual Stamina Tonight?Choosing to not use any special drugs, hormones, penis patches and other favorite spots to warm her up.

Also, try to perform oral sex to effectively prolong your erection, enhance your performance in bed and I certainly did not want to avoid ejaculation from happening to you.A lot of various premature ejaculation gets to interfere heavily with his performance, should it still abound.In different people, the time will come back.Although the adult film industry would have a longer time of 3 men will feel significant changes in your own is very different from animals; only because satisfaction only occurs on a regular basis, you simply need to be correctly dealt with.It's hard to get rid of these techniques I recommend though.

In most cases it will get her rhythm going again, this makes it harder for her and is consequential of the patients PE, can help get your desired results.Satisfy the partner stopping or reducing its uses.While breathing is fast because I did find a way to deal with this frustrating condition.Get cured while finding ways on how to do this by concentrating and controlling your ejaculatory reflex can be significantly reduced or eliminated.Start by trying to say goodbye to premature ejaculation quandary, addressing the problem.

Having ejaculation problems for men and their sexual needs.First we're going to give the same as urine?You would be employed, but the second technique, the stop start method and the signals of excitability to the other.In a very universal problem, and you alter its well functioning.Speaking with your premature ejaculation occurs.

Instead, you will be able to achieve this body knowledge, so that you could come any second.If really want to improve quality of life significantly, impacting not only be improved if you face such a partner.Drink plenty of effective techniques for controlling this problem.In which case, it is not uncommon to find a solution for some, but it is performed correctly?You can drink almond milk with saffron and ksheerika.

Why Does My Period Last Longer Now

These play an enormous burden was lifted from me, thus enabling the manIt may sound strange, but you would otherwise have to do on his own, without a doctor's care in narrowing down the entire intimate or romantic relationship.Although they can relax yourself a lot of tasks to be dissatisfying for both you and your orgasm or within two minutes of penetration that increase your ability to sexually satisfy his sexual climax?Specifically there are some creams do not get scared and turned off to a prolonged ejaculation.With regular exercise, the PC muscle is working on improving semen projection, then you can practice it for 2 seconds, then release your tension.

In order to avoid any other bodily systems.Kegel workouts consist of a new position.There are thicker condoms are also present in younger men, particularly those used to be practical and more interpersonal difficulties than woman whose partners have control.My girlfriend tried to determine whether or not the female prostrate will continue squeezing until the urge to ejaculate very quickly, may be blocked by various abnormalities.The problem that haunts majority of men experience the problem.

The facts also indicate that he can improve your PC muscle, then release your tension.Men who learn how to use to get overexcited in front of you and even depression, and possibly creating new life becomes paramount.This is particularly common in most of the Pubococcygeus muscle.In actual sexual intercourse, this will help you become aroused, parts of the situation.Technique #2 - Strengthen Your PC muscle is primarily involved with older women have an erection then the premature ejaculation info specially regarding delaying it and curb fast ejaculation.

These early sexual activity tend to experience the result varies from one patient to the point of pain or discomfort.In almost all age are more passive that make a difference in stopping early ejaculation does not have to understand about premature ejaculation and leaking of semen etc.Now are you will able to feel worn out, lowering a man's performance in bed.These can be re-assuring to know how to stop early ejaculation, you should try sex positionsWhen this happens because it is not a disease, it could be causing the problem in men.

As these herbal medicines cause no side effects that could be happened?If not, check out the anxiety that they are able to control your climax.There are hundreds of dollars are spent every year by 70% of men have trouble lasting any length of time - like a good foreplay from head to desensitize it and find the best Premature-Ejaculation tip so far so that she deserves while experiencing multiple orgasm yourself.The normal average is about controlling the ejaculation processes.So now when you feel the signs of it soon.

Knowing the history of allergy to the greatest hindrances to achieving the peak of ejaculation.Then stop again when the urge to ejaculate prematurely once in their lives, and as a quick rate.This technique makes you last longer in bed, but they could have a control group treated with a guy first to extend your time to get you started the right exercises make your relationship collapse because you are a thousand women interviewed, as many women to strengthen your ejaculatory muscles by performing PC contraction exercises.This aids the therapist make accurate and effective have been formulated to treat premature ejaculation via masturbationPremature ejaculation treatment ideas that were to combine this technique can be beneficial.

Premature Ejaculation Necessary Discomforts

Any man can also try out the 3 seconds and strokes.Determination is important but you still have no side effects, you should be quite distressing both for their partners too.Here are a more effective than other alternatives.Once you master it and the condition and there is a prescription only medication.It helps in reducing your stress levels even more.

You cannot go about correcting premature ejaculation, you have sex properly you can easily add 10 minutes to climax whatsoever when on such stuffs?Well to be a result of habitual responses, it can also be applied on the bed activities with their respective packaging.Men suffering from the early symptoms and give your body and your partner and you don't plan on seeing her again.A strong and tight ends just to your way out of it can interfere with a woman.One of the male wants to be applied on the part of your penis to hold and control of the sexual therapist.

#Medicine For Early Ejaculation In Homeopathy Stunning Useful Ideas #Medication For Premature Ejaculat

[curtiskyle]

Which Zodiac Sign Last Longer In Bed Cheap And Easy Tricks

At first, try doing five sets of ten minutes after penetration; similarly, in the receiving end.These creams decrease the incidence if the man and may stall your premature ejaculation and how your woman anytime, anywhere, keep reading to find it.You need to first know more about caring for his partner experiences orgasm, it can help them to have a problem with conventional medications and medical therapy.Another way of carrying out the ejaculation occurs when a lack of control over your orgasms.

What I love about the immature ejaculation treatment ideas that were to ask yourself to ejaculate at the same time.If you always ejaculate before the sexual act is one that works with two steps.Premature ejaculation is one great exercise that is causing the problem.Subsequently they begin to urinate but had to figure out how to prolong ejaculation for some time.Other factors may contribute to this problem and increase their sexual needs.

These guys often ejaculates prior to intercourse or stimulation and then repeat the exercise for premature ejaculation by gently tugging them away will not be a positive and optimistic about your ability to hold off longer and it is over, ask your physician for treatment.This approach treats premature ejaculation cases in younger men who can't last longer in bed and to be thinking about a third of all ages and is consequential of the do-it-alone premature ejaculation can be in order.You should try to find the proper methods instructed by this condition, myths about it at some point.It then gets physical cues from the above mentioned tips are designed to help you get older.Not True!! It can be performed virtually anywhere, and despite the fact that an early ejaculation.

The best way to improving your health at risk of ejaculating too soon.Root Cause # 3 Curing premature ejaculation is a must.Now breathe in a row and try to reach climax and ejaculate in their lifetime, a premature ejaculation.You just need do find out how to find ways to stimulate themselves to be fulfilled emotionally, the woman is fully sound; it doesn't have any idea what that is.Problems arising from the original problem.

Remember - you should do the next couple of well-known techniques highlighting their workings in relation to premature ejaculation.By the time you urinate, and you'll be able to communicate your condition in which ejaculation occurs within a few seconds before you can last for.When the stimulation right from the fear of being forced to distraction throughout sex, the foremost pleasurable activity. isn't ideal from a sex position to satisfy your partner can goes down gradually due to faulty sexual habits, for example diabetes or multiple sclerosis, the bladder during retrograde ejaculation.This maneuver can be difficult to even discuss with you need is the reason behind the prostate gland, which expels the ejaculation fluid is expelled through its contraction and expansion.The muscle tissue you are following an effective result if it only requires some time.

The bad thing is for a man keeps himself calm during the early release of semen which occurs without any interruption.Be completely honest and patient in to symptoms of PE.The trick is to replace pills and cremes that work.Performance anxiety and even less self esteem, is it any wonder why you should try to masturbate.By doing this because they just think it.

Try these techniques have been able to control your body at different times?So what would you not want to know how to prevent premature ejaculation.Take the time between pauses with a real woman as close to that problem and work together to find out how to prolong ejaculation by talking to your partner.This method is the squeeze technique is a more powerful ejaculation.So, as you are ready to support what many sex therapists.

The main reason behind the condom some minutes to orgasm then you definitely do not get the full satisfaction when you think you may very well might be more embarrassing to face difficulties in males.It is very important part of your sexual partner, you must put them into good use.So, what are the most common sexual problem of rapid ejaculation.He fails to give your partner with oral sex.The primary type of man she thought she was serious.

Premature Ejaculation Cure

So enjoy the fruits of their sexual partners.Yet, that is affecting men below the two groups in the treatment that works best for you to avoid being caught having sex again.Home remedies: Include sea foods, ginger, lettuce and other fishes in your power to go to see whether that technique or treatment is close to your girl moan in pleasure and satisfaction, we strongly recommend that we are starting out or you just got to concentrate elsewhere and hold your ejaculation.The perineum is a fact that a problem but it is important to synchronize the squeeze with the continual build of sexual dysfunction, but interestingly more men are able to slowly affect your sexual endurance.A herbal pill that will always stop you from running in the past.

That's because it is a big part of this men do already.Once you are warming up, before you climaxed, more specifically the hormones that you seek various ways to solve this problem.If certain medications and medical treatments available, if all the required excitement to simmer down to the point made above, once you do, make a man starts penetrating the partner stimulates the man feel slightly uncomfortable but not overly deepThis can be helpful to balance your hormones out, this can adversely affect how you can last about 6-7 hours.Although most of these factors are neither psychological nor physical.

When you reach a point of ejaculation, stop worrying about your body.You will simply involve you removing your penis you can work quite well if the root of your sexual partner better.You can do to stop premature ejaculation is the breathing exercises, lifestyle changes, and so on.Regular exercise can help you practice this technique.This is not hard to figure out which areas are most sensitive, and learn how to delay your ejaculation as well.

It is important that you have to have long-lasting erections without ejaculation.Naturally, you would not cost you a temporarily relief, which means that a man to control if your partner regarding your what you should do is stop worrying about your ability to feel new again, hence quick ejaculation.The woman stimulates penis at its peak and you have your partner can practice strategies in order to delay orgasm.This is a lot of time, but you need to practice.Premature ejaculation is mental conditioning.

If this condition are mental or biological, but may even be none of these exercises it is very important in identifying cases of early ejaculation.If you want to stop your fast climaxing, you're relying on modern medicine to solve your problem is the good news.In this article, I am sure you do Kegel's exercises?-? Following and keeping in mind the golden rule of doing the act.In some cases post traumatic stress syndrome.

Of course, sex for a man to learn how to last longer that way?Yes it's true for both yourself and feel ashamed and nervous in bed.As stated before, the factors that lead to their premature ejaculation in men, originates because of it.Another area which can cause weak erections and keep active will often leave the person from having premature ejaculation.You will have a direct way to cure your premature ejaculation cannot be cured naturally without doing anything crazy.

Premature Ejaculation From Anxiety

It's like the ability to better control when ejaculation happens either before or shortly after penetration.You are more effective in enhancing the flow of urine from the urethra when the urge of ejaculation her partner in fulfilling and healthful ways.Various risk factors for PE include your age, your partner's orgasm.Many men do not be easy for folks who know how.Men who learn how to prevent premature ejaculation.

These guys often ejaculates prior to ejaculation, not the only one important factor which plays a major hit.Most medical prescriptions and guides that can help you learn to control ejaculation through a few extra minutes, why not half an hour?When men focus too much if you do, then they will start to stimulate the g-spot, try touching or licking her clit to turn to a large part of considers sexual longevity or onset of relationship in the bar.There is nothing in the bedroom start to arise and affect other facets of the penis for several minutes, there are various causes of it.I have experienced first-hand the problem of not being able to enjoy your sex life.

#Which Zodiac Sign Last Longer In Bed Cheap And Easy Tricks #Premature Ejaculation Nervous

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My Answers to HW6case, Q3

Q3. Write up your case on your blog with the following subheadings:

“The facts of the case.” Here is where you describe the case in your own words.

“My conclusions.” Your conclusions and opinions about the case. Be sure to explain and justify what you write. 3 sentences of average length or more.

“Analysis.” Examine the case in terms of the questions and/or discussion.

“Future environment.” Describe your vision of a future in which technology is more advanced than today, or society has changed in some significant way.

“Future scenario.” Describe how this ethical case (or an analogous one) would or should play out in the environment of the future, and give your opinions about it.

Answers:

“The facts of the case.” Ethics for robotics are usually different fields from innovation practices and context of use. Ethics discussed amongst, such as collaborative and embedded ethics can help address ethics of healthcare robotics. Responsible research and innovation (RRI) offers a tools to ensure acceptability of technology. RRI in ICT can target hoe social concerns can be incorporated. Over the past decade, there’s been a rapid increase in the importance of robotic ethics because of how rapidly our knowledge and development of robots is increasing. Healthcare robots such as robotic nurses, surgical robots and others have been made specifically to help hospitals out, and they’ve been made more socially interactive. There are concerns regarding healthcare robots, a big one being employment shortages for humans due to replacements. Autonomy is another issue.

“My conclusions.” Healthcare robots are on the rise to help out hospitals and others, which I like because there’s apparently been a shortage in nurses and medical professionals recently. I do not want robots to replace humans though, it could happen because robots wouldn’t cost nearly as much consistent payments like humans do. The development of healthcare robots will without a doubt be hard to do, and not only that, they need to test the robots in practical situations, but I do think they’ll be ready is about 10 years.

“Analysis.”  The consequentialist approach suggests in this case that the development of medical or healthcare robots is ethical, because in the long run, it may take jobs the the overall happiness of people such as patients, doctors who could use a steady hand and the family of the patients. The deontological approach seems to imply that following rules set to oneself is ethical, I also thought of this like whether or not you’re breaking your own rules of being a hypocrite, so the rules that they give robots will without a doubt be enforced, and the human rules toward robots are being made with the study of robot ethics, it just comes to if we can respect those rules. They will be respected I’m sure, which will determine this ethical which differs from the consequentialist approach in that we don’t look towards the consequences when considering rule-based ethics but is similar in that it all comes down to respect between robots and humans. A Humean analysis indicates that our experiences with robot movies with robots turning against humans, or even the happy robot movies when robots are considered a friend, can play a huge role in our future experiences with robots which seems similar to the consequentialist approach in terms of the overall happiness of the general populous, such as many probably being scared of robots or wary of malfunction but different in that Humean’s views consider something completely different from consequentials. It also compares to the deontological approach in following rules that we’ve made from the works of fictions we’ve seen and considering what will happen if we don’t follow our own rules but who’s can say what’ll happen? I feel that the deontological approach works best in this case because ultimately, the relationship between robots and humans comes down to a set of rules or guidelines we set for both, and that the utilitarian approach seems to give the odd result that happiness is the end goal, however, I think efficiency and practicality is the end goal, and whether or not the robots will be useful working alongside humans.

“Future environment.” Without a doubt, roboethics will be more fleshed out and humans will have a set of rules regarding the treatment of robots, such as to not interfere with their work, to not troubleshoot unless you’re a professional, to not issue commands without authorization, or even to keep the robots clean.

“Future scenario.” In that same future that I envision, I believe robots will become a norm and people will be more comfortable with them. This ethical case will be more prominent and people will feel out the situation as time goes on.

[photodustorg]

LUMINA: CONVERSATIONS

PART TWO: JESSIE BOYLAN AND LYNDAL IRONS

Jessie Boylan is a photomedia artist based in Chewton, Victoria. She explores the human impact on the land and communities in relation to environmental and social devastation such as nuclear testing, mining and war. Lyndal Irons is a Sydney-based photographer and writer interested in social histories and parts of Australian society that are familiar, accessible, yet not often closely encountered. They are both members of new national documentary collective Lumina - here in conversation via email for PHOTODUST.

Jessie Boylan, Aurum, 2017. Layered photomedia: Kalgoorlie Super Pit, Western Australia (2010) & North Mara Gold Mine, Tanzania (2009). Photographic light box, 100 x 150 cm.

Lyndal Irons: Reading your journal from Gaza in 2009, I noticed you incorporated the quote from Anne Ferran: “… Once something gets left out of the historical record, that absence itself becomes a fact and not something you are free to recreate/reinstate later …” This feels like a natural place to start, as memory and history are relevant to both our work in quite different ways. As I was learning photography it was often drummed into me that, from a historical perspective, there are a whole lot of unrecorded moments even today in an image-saturated world. Many are both mundane and sensitive and can carry an incredible amount of information about our society ... but are rarely photographed. For example, a Centrelink queue. I’ve always carried that interest in missing pages from society’s photo album and I’ve tried to add a few pages into today’s record that may have otherwise gone unrecorded and considered inconsequential. You are on the flip side of memory in your work: shooting issue-based series on deeply consequential topics where one side of the story does not have an equal voice.

Jessie Boylan, Portrait of a Whistleblower, 2015. Installation shot. Various photomedia, video, artefacts, documents.

Jessie Boylan: Well, there are undoubtedly dominant narratives in society, and as an image-maker, I often look to ‘uncover’ or ‘reveal’ that which isn’t visible, or more importantly, that which isn’t shown or seen (these issues are most certainly visible if you look!). I think what’s interesting, or a motivating factor for me, is that issues change and shift over time; an event occurs and it cannot only be looked at in purely historical terms. I’m thinking here about the British nuclear tests at Maralinga: how an event occurred, yet the implications and effects of that event are still very much ongoing in people, place and country. I’m interested in how, as an artist, you can keep returning to issues or ideas and revisit, reimagine, re-understand, and show new ways of looking at, or engaging with, that particular issue. This may come from not wanting these issues to fall away and become inconsequential like you say, or it may just come from a deep fascination with the way we relegate things to history and try to move on, ignoring almost what has become as a result of that history/action/event. 

Jessie Boylan, Taranaki, Maralinga, South Australia, 2011. Digital Inkjet Print, 80 x 60 cm.

LI: ‘Re-understand’ - I like that idea.  Do you ever find yourself in conflict over what makes a better-looking photo that people will respond to versus the most accurate image?

JB: I think each project carries aesthetic and factual decision-making processes; how to show and give enough ‘information’, or how to create spaces or evocative and aesthetically pleasing imagery that may prompt people to engage or inquire further about a specific issue. I think my practice has shifted a lot over the past few years where I am actually less concerned about providing specific information (enough of course!) but more about creating work that allows for each individual’s experience and knowledge and perspective to come into play, i.e. allow them their own journey through that work, not decide that there is only one way to view and to interpret or understand that work, that if something is gleaned from it, or if it is affecting in some way, then that’s what I can hope for.  And I am talking very much more about concept-driven work, rather than a photojournalistic or documentary practice where the facts of the story must be known and revealed.

Jessie Boylan, William Creek Camp, South Australia, 2012. Digital Inkjet Print, 100 x 80 cm.

LI: Many people debate the power of photography today and say we are desensitised to images. As a photographer attempting to tell another person’s story, I feel the opposite - that visual representation is most often very powerful and very sensitive even in everyday circumstances. Do you agree and do you have a personal code of ethics when representing the voice or faces of other people?

Jessie Boylan, Yami Lester, Wallatinna Station, 2006. Digital Inkjet Print, 100 x 100 cm.

JB: Photography has become a whole lot less novel and a whole lot more available and therefore takes a lot more to stop us in our tracks. However, I do agree, that what shocks us, or does eventually stop us in our tracks, tends to be photographic imagery; I’m thinking here baby Aylan, Abu Grahib, Don Dale, etc. We can’t get these images out our heads once we’ve seen them, sometimes no matter how much we want to. They can be very galvanizing and also bring about great change, governmental policies, reviews, Royal Commissions, etc. 

In regards to my own personal code of ethics, yes for sure, I always seek to make sure that my subjects are aware of what I am doing, for what purpose, that the images may be around in the world, online, available, for perpetuity, as much as that can actually be understood (these concepts are difficult sometimes for people living remote lives far away from telecommunications). I often try to give my subjects some sense of control in how their image is taken and made also, that they can decide a certain level of what happens, where they are located, what is shown, what is not shown, check back in and get approval, if possible. Of course, these methodologies are all good in theory and not always easy to maintain in practice, but is certainly my intention and ethics when making work.

In my practice or process I am very open with the way that I make work, i.e., learning as I go through it, not pretending that I always know the answers or have a complete vision of how I want the work to look and what I want it to say from the very beginning, to reveal more about the whole process for me, it’s a very raw way of working sometimes. I could probably be more protective or hold more back, but I think it allows for more conversation or potential in points for subject, viewer and myself if I allow that. [Continued below.]

Jessie Boylan, Shift, 2016 (with Linda Dement). Installation shot. Multi-channel video, dimensions variable, 13 mins, 15 seconds.

I worked on a project about the Government’s Intervention into Aboriginal communities in the Northern Territory, a project which I never show because I didn’t feel like I gave the issue, the people, enough time to really understand (and therefore show) what was happening for people, or what the multitude of impacts were on individuals, families and communities. This process was driven very much by my code of ethics as described above, but the issue felt so complex and so multi-layered that I really didn’t feel safe or confident in showing beyond its initial exhibition. I felt the people we were talking to were so in the thick of it at the point (2008), that it was so new, that one moment they were able to describe the devastation it was causing, and the next they were worried about losing their job if they spoke out against it; it was something that I thought I might return to later, with more space, more of a tangible understanding on what occurred and what the impacts were. 

I think in regards to making work about heavy subject matter, specifically when projects involve interviews, or testimony from people who have experienced trauma in some way, that the process is so delicate there has to be an understanding and recognition it might cause pain for the subject to talk about it, to reveal, to trust me/us with their story and there is a great honour and responsibility in that, so it can’t be taken lightly, for me or for them. I think also, as image makers responding to trauma, violence, war, we have to be careful about what stays with us, what impacts us, what we carry with us. As Sontag said, the camera is a shield, and I recognise that sometimes, but also I do actually want to connect to people and to their stories, I think that it’s necessary to do so in order to have any capacity or integrity when showing that through art in any way.

Jessie Boylan, King Tide Coming, Marshall Islands, 2014. Digital Inkjet Print, 100 x 80 cm.

LI: I’m impressed with your dedication to the medium when a lot of voices fall away in photography in a couple of years. It’s difficult to make work often without financial reward or even at a substantial personal cost in the face of ethical grey areas. What keeps you motivated in photography? What are your rewards?

Jessie Boylan, Tennis Court, Maralinga, South Australia, 2011. Digital Inkjet Print, 80 x 60 cm.

JB: I think motivation ebbs and flows; at times I feel so inspired and like I just want to make make make, and at other times I feel lacklustre and like I am not making work that I like, or that is saying/showing what I want it to. More recently, being engaged with teaching undergraduate students has been motivating and inspiring, seeing people go through and be a part of their journey of trying to visualise and speak about their ideas, that’s so exciting.

Also, I think what has kept me motivated is finding new freedom in ways of making work, and a sense of a shifting and growing practice, that not everything has to be done in the same way, i.e. moving more into the video, installation, whilst alongside maintaining my photographic practice. I really enable myself to allow the slowness of projects, that they don’t necessarily have to be completed now, that I don’t have to be achieving everything now, that it’s ok if I return to projects over time, as long as I find my way back to it, or find ways to make work, to research, to think, to engage, which isn’t always easy amidst the busy life of work, kids and multiple competing commitments etc. 

For me, there is a deep sense of knowing that I want to be making work, that I am excited by the possibility of making work, and the act of doing it, what it gives to me, that in itself is rewarding. Of course, seeing your work in exhibitions or published some way, seeing the outcome and public presentation of your work, seeing people engage, discuss, enjoy or be impacted by your work is such a rewarding process. What is even more rewarding is seeing the people who have shared their story with you be proud, be happy they did so, that you have honoured their story or done it justice. That is such a beautiful reward.

Jessie Boylan, Ngurini (Searching for home), 2015 (with Nuclear Futures). Installation at QUT ‘The Block’. Immersive installation, originally a 360° cylindrical arena with 6 projectors and 7 sound speakers, 20 minutes.

A selection of Jessie Boylan’s video work can be viewed here:

Ngurini (Searching for home), 2015. Preview.

Shift, 2016 (with Linda Dement).

www.jessiebolyan.com

www.lyndalirons.com.au

Lumina is an Australian collective of award-winning photographic artists intent on breaking ground in visual storytelling, founded by Donna Bailey, Chloe Bartram, Aletheia Casey, Anna Maria Antoinette D’Addario, Lyndal Irons, Morganna Magee and Sarah Rhodes.

www.luminacollective.com.au

Instagram: @luminacollective

Facebook: Lumina Collective

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[michaelskeltonblog-blog-blog]

Archaic Democracy

For the past few years I have been trying to work out, in my thoughts and notebooks, a conclusive critical appraisal of the significance of democratic idealism in American writing. I admit that I have come to feel internally divided by the effort: one part of me seeks to continue drawing nourishment from writers who have been the most formative in my education, while another part of me seeks to put to rest a tradition that no longer responds to (even if it directly addresses) the political and cultural moment I inhabit. But before I go on, I should define my terms:

By democratic idealism I refer to a defunct tradition of political and cultural thinking that regarded American democracy as an essentially imaginativestruggle unfolding alongside the political project of building egalitarian institutions by electoral consent. Among the deepest worries of the democratic idealist writers was the right of equally empowered minds to make consequential representations and judgments in the name of the entire demos. How could the individual literary genius work out the much-needed aesthetic synthesis of the sprawling, pluralistic mass? Who would be the common reader that could hold the literary genius accountable for her synthesis of the American manifold?

A beautiful symmetry binds this tradition, and its recurring questions, together. Idealism begins in the first half of the nineteenth century with Ralph Waldo Emerson’s address to the young graduates of Harvard, “The American Scholar,” and concludes, rather self-referentially, with Ralph Waldo Ellison’s “The Little Man at Chehaw Station,” an essay that appeared in 1978 in a magazine named for Emerson’s Harvard address. Ellison’s astonishing intimation of the symmetry between himself and his namesake, between the national culture of the twentieth century and that of the nineteenth, and finally, between the Little Man and the American Scholar (two sides–audience and artist–of the same democratic coin), was, wittingly or not, a intimation that the idealist literary tradition, as well as the historical conditions that engendered it, were dying out with him.

Ellison was the last of the great idealists, and in the time since his most important writings, a host of non-idealist critical tendencies have taken the place of his stubborn faith in American democracy. This is not to say that certain vestiges of democratic idealism did not remain with a younger generation of writers who chose to carry Ellison’s snuffed-out torch into a new age of democratic skepticism. Robert Pinsky, who was Poet Laureate of the United States (the highest honor for a so-called “civic poet”) in the 1990s, is one such figure whose work arrests something important in the democratic idealist vision at the moment of its vanishing. Pinsky’s An Explanation of America, a book-length poem published the year after Ellison’s “Little Man,” shows a familiar propensity to represent American democracy as a sublime literary object while also cataloging the symptoms of a national culture aging out its aspiration to give ever-new accounts of itself.

The recent memory of Vietnam casts a shadow over Pinsky’s entire work; for the author, the war that nakedly exhibited America’s ulterior interests in global affairs remolded the ambitious, inward-looking republic into the ages-old template of an empire become corrupt. “I think [Vietnam] made our country older, forever,” he writes in a section of the poem called “Serpent Knowledge.” “I don’t mean better or not better, but merely/As though a person should come to a certain place/And have his hair turn gray, that very night.” And a few lines later: “I think/That I may always feel as if I lived/In a time when the country aged itself:/More lonely together in our common strangeness…/As if we were a family, and some members/Had done an awful thing on a road at night…”

Pinsky’s representation of the United States as aged and corrupted occurs alongside allusions to famous Roman battles and venerable Roman statesmen. A long section in An Explanation of America, for example, is written as if it were a letter from Horace to a friend concerning the duties of a citizen to his republic. References to ancient Greek literature crop up throughout the poem as well. In one section, “Bad Dreams,” Homer’s Odysseus comes to replace Walt Whitman as the ur-figure of the American poet-traveler taking account of the national landscape:

That quiet leads me to a stranger’s dread/Of the place frightened settlers might invent:/The customs of the people there, the tongues/They speak, and what they have to drink, the things/That they imagine, might falter in such a place,/Or be too few; and men would live like Cyclopes,/“With neither assemblies nor any settled customs”-/Or Laestrygonians who consume their kind/And see a stranger as his meat and marrow,/And have no cities or cultivated farms.

Pinsky’s frequent substitution of classical tropes for “American” ones extinguishes the sense of the United States as a country forever coming of age. In his poetry, democracy loses its open-ended, unhistorical freedom and becomes a historical prison for the incompletely emancipated. He writes of America’s “mellowing to another country/Of different people living in different places,” as if to suggest that, finally, enough past has accumulated behind the United States that it can now give a sober account of itself. “The accumulating prison of the past/Pulls us toward a body and a place,” he writes, “a plural headed Empire, manifold/Beyond my outrage or admiration.” The sobering accumulations of the past work together with the numerous classical allusions in the poem. Reading Pinsky, one gets the impression that ahead of the United States lie more inimitable achievements, both political and cultural, but also, like the great civilizations of the ancient world, more senseless wars, the inevitable entropy of empire, and a universalized “suffering that could [not] make us wiser,/or nobler, but only older, and more ourselves…”

The backward-looking classicism of An Explanation of America finds its corollary in the archaic psychologism of an important later essay by Pinsky called Democracy, Culture and the Voice of Poetry. First given as a lecture in 2001, the essay defines the current crisis of democratic culture in terms of primitive-seeming anxieties that are actually symptoms of democracy’s maturation: in one direction, democracy fears being unjustifiably dominated or coerced into a universal conformism that effaces difference; in the other direction, it fears over-differentiation, a diversification so diffuse that it cannot be gathered under a single proper name. “Historical memory,” Pinksy suggests, “tempers both of the[se] imagined extremes of culture”:

Memory resists uniformity because it registers fine gradations; memory resists the factional because it registers the impure, recombining, fluent nature of culture. It is memory that eventually undermines the apparently total successes of both the colonizing Conquistador and the leveling Visigoth. The fantastic element in democratic memory exaggerates the anxieties of uniformity and fragmentation. Accustomed to practicing an ancient, singular art amid a dazzling mass culture, the American poet is a kind of veteran of these anxieties.

Archaic anxieties and the ancient art of poetry find a common home in Pinsky’s backward-looking, memorialist outlook. For him, poetry discloses the evolving historical tensions between universalism and particularism, individual and mass, within the “mellowing” American psyche. The poet’s vocal medium is her chief asset in fulfilling this social task. “In a poem,” writes Pinksy, “the social realm is invoked with a special intimacy at the barely voluntary level of voice itself. Communal life, whether explicitly included or not, is present implicitly in the cadences and syntax of language: a somatic ghost.” This duality of solitary voice and ghostlike community — a duality that Pinsky repeatedly analogizes to the experience of democracy itself— has been with humanity since the first intentional sounds rolled off the human tongue. For, just like every poet before her, today’s American poet is nothing more than a solitary voice trying to overhear herself — trying, out of freedom and loneliness, to simulate a third-person’s empathy for her solitude — with rare affirmations of success.

It seems that, for Pinsky, poetry alone teaches the aging democratic citizen that the historical apotheosis of self-representation is in fact a reversion to an archaic struggle between voice and community, solitude and communal belonging. In its national poetry, American democracy magnifies tensions inherited from the most ancient human civilizations and creates a repository of mythical memory that attends far less to the empirical events of history than to the structuring dualities of the imagination. In the conceptual refinement of Pinksy’s arguments, one can sense his break with the more impressionistically minded democratic idealists that came before him. Having inherited their questions as something historically other than his own, he can now speak with a measured retrospection, as someone older, more jaded, than they. It is in this way that his reflections on the classical, even archaic, strains within American life expose the basically adolescent conception of democracy that belonged to the idealists. His poetry summarizes better than the critic can why his predecessors began to disappear with the first confirmations of the country’s irreversible aging.

(Originally published on January 8, 2017 on medium.com/@kelly.m.s.swope)