#but I've decided to post them on a separate post so I won't ramble too much in this one XD

[ineffable-romantics]

Some thoughts on why and how I believe Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship would incorporate sex/why I do not read them as wholly asexual:

This is something I've seen the most discourse about in this fandom, and I've had a few thoughts of my own that I really wanted to expand upon in a full meta/character analysis post. I do understand that this can be a contentious topic, so first, let me clarify a few things:

First of all, this is going to be long. Tbh it probably won't be that organized either. I ramble and I'm not very good at editing, so just... you know. Be warned. (*Hi, it's me from 2 days after writing this; I'm really not kidding, it's LONG)

These are all my own thoughts. They might not be hot takes, because recently I've seen more than a few people come to the same conclusions on a lot of these points as I have. But I've also had these notes in my drafts for about a week and a half now, and have been continuously adding to it as things have occurred to me. This post is essentially just somewhere for me to collect the separate but related meta I've been kicking around in my head.

I fully respect anyone who does see and prefer an asexual reading of this relationship. These are my own thoughts and interpretations as someone who is not asexual. I am in the LGBT+ community, so while I do know a few things about the asexuality spectrum, I am by no means an expert.

This is NOT something I expect, need, or even necessarily want the show (or, God forbid, Neil's tumblr ask box) to address. Tonally, it's just not that kind of show. Newt and Anathema's sex scene was very much played for laughs, and it worked for that reason. If the show found a way to address it in a way that was both appropriate for the tone of the show and ultimately satisfying, then great! But there is so much more to this relationship than sex, and I didn't need a kiss to confirm their love, so I certainly don't need a sex scene. As immortal beings (as I assume they'll stay) there is so much of the rest of their lives we'll never get to see. You can headcanon them as asexual and potentially be right. I can headcanon them as not and be equally potentially right. Again, these are just a collection of my own thoughts, because I think the question of sexuality (or lack thereof) is just as interesting a facet of these characters as any other.

Note: Tbh I've been second-guessing this whole post and debated deleting the whole thing several times for being silly or unnecessary, bc I don't want anyone to think that this is the only thing I care about when it comes to this story/characters. But if nothing else, it's inspired me to write in a way that nothing has in a very long time, so I've decided it's worth continuing, if for no other reason than that.

This is going to be a mixed bag of textual reading, subtextual reading, and a full-on reach or two. It's been a while since I've been in an English class, but if my teachers expected me to find a deeper meaning behind blue curtains, you can expect me to read too deeply into the symbolism of a loaded rifle or an ox rib. (This is probably not what my professors had in mind when grading my literary analysis papers but oh well) My point is, if it feels like a reach, I'm as aware of it as you are. I am in no way saying that all (or even any) of my points made were deliberate on the part of Neil or the actors or the writers or the directors. I am no longer the delulu Apple Tree Yard child of my youth, I promise.

If anything said here is in any way offensive or hurtful to anyone in the asexual community, please do not hesitate to message me or comment and let me know exactly what it was. I promise you it is not my intention to do so, and am happy to clarify or outright edit anything that reads that way.

With all that being said, let's talk about why I think Crowley and Aziraphale would absolutely fuck nasty incorporate sex into their relationship.

Note: I am out of practice with essay writing, so I think I'll just go down the bullet points of notes I have been making, and expand on each as best I can

Food

Where better to start than with Aziraphale's introduction to Pleasures Of The Flesh? (Just a heads up, this entire post may feel very Aziraphale-heavy, and with good reason).

This might be the least hot take here. We've all seen the Job minisode. We've all seen That Scene.

Whether this was intentional or not, the symbolism here is off the charts. Eve was tempted by an apple. So why not go a similar route and tempt Aziraphale with another fruit, or cheese, or bread, or literally anything else for his first experience with food? Instead, we go with a huge, glistening slab of fresh meat that he proceeds to absolutely go feral upon, moaning and gasping into his meal while Crowley watches with what definitely doesn't look to be disgust or even satisfaction with a good temptation. There's surprise at the ferocity of Aziraphale's appetite, certainly. But ultimately he looks to be intensely fascinated by it, while the thunder crashes, the music crescendos, and the earth literally shakes around them.

(It's also interesting to note how very little it takes for Crowley to tempt him with the ox rib. One murmured suggestion, a bit of unwavering eye contact, and vavoom Aziraphale immediately meets him in the middle.)

Cut to Aziraphale devouring the rest of the meat with Crowley splayed back on a makeshift bed, drinking wine and continuing to watch him indulge through half-lidded eyes. Outside a thunderstorm rages while they're learning secrets about each other in warm flickering firelight. It's cosy, it's intimate, and if they'd thrown in a bearskin throw blanket, it might as well be a post-coital scene straight out of Game of Thrones.

The next time (chronologically) we see them discuss food is when Aziraphale "tempts" Crowley with oysters in Rome. So Crowley first tempts Aziraphale with meat and then Aziraphale tempts Crowley with what is widely regarded to be an aphrodisiac. Interesting.

And then chronologically after that, the Arrangement begins to form, which has always reeked of a friends with benefits situation. Just to throw that in there.

It's What Humans Do

In the very first episode, we're shown Gabriel's obvious disgust and bewilderment towards Aziraphale eating sushi, calling it "gross matter" and being proud of the fact that he does not sully his body with it. Aziraphale initially tries to defend his own enjoyment in it, before passing it off as something that humans do, as something he simply has to do in order to blend in (which we know very well is not the case).

He does this again in season 2, passing off Nina and Maggie being in love as "something humans do". But it isn't, is it? Angels are beings of love, and can sense it, and understand very well what it is... up to a point. Even romantic love is obviously within their wheelhouse, given what we now know happened between Gabriel and Beelzebub (we'll come back to them).

What the "humans do" that angels wouldn't understand is messy, physical forms of love.

But here's the thing: Aziraphale and Crowley love doing what the humans do. They love drinking, they (or at least Aziraphale) love eating. They love music. Crowley loves driving and sleeping and watching rom-coms and sitcoms. Aziraphale loves reading and doing magic and earning little licenses and certificates for achievement in his various hobbies. They love to playact at being human so much that they've stopped playacting and started building a genuinely human lifestyle for themselves and with each other.

Once together in an unambiguously romantic sense, why do we think they wouldn't also want to explore one of the most prominent, intimate, powerful human expressions of love and desire with each other?

Angels, Demons, & Asexuality

Here's where I really want to clarify that in no way do I mean that sex is necessary for a healthy, fulfilling, and loving romantic relationship, or that the lack of desire for sex makes you any less human. Asexuality is a sexuality as valid and human as any. What I would say is that it is definitely in the human minority compared to allosexuality.

Angels and demons, on the other hand, are predominately asexual. Sexless/genderless unless Making An Effort. (Which, btw, is a concept introduced as early as the original book; why even bring it up as a possibility? Why not keep angels/demons being sexless/asexual as a hard and fast rule, if not to open up the potential for later use? Chekhov's Effort, if you will. And isn't that something that Aziraphale in particular is shown to do time and time again? He makes an effort in French and driving and magic, doesn't he?)

And this is why I don't believe Aziraphale and Crowley necessarily need to be asexual, narratively. There is already a huge amount of ace rep within the angels and demons (and no, not just the horrible ones. Muriel also doesn't "drink the tea" and has no reason or desire thus far to Make An Effort, and there are certainly other angels and demons who aren't horrible like the archangels seem to be who likely wouldn't Make An Effort either).

The central conflict for Aziraphale and Crowley is that they are on their own side, the ones who went native, the ones who are so different in so many ways from their respective hives. It would make sense for them to also break away from traditional angel/demon asexuality.

I say "traditional angel/demon asexuality", because I would also like to note that I would absolutely not rule out demisexuality for either of them. This post is being written to as a response to people who specifically believe that they (like the rest of the angels/demons seem to be) would be sex-averse in a relationship, and that it wouldn't be a factor in their relationship. I could easily read them as demisexual, but I do think there would be no real way of verifying this, because they've never been able to form as close an emotional relationship with anyone else but each other. Certainly not in heaven, and I can't imagine they would be able to form that kind of attachment with any of the humans, who they love and emulate but ultimately regard as the separate species they are. So yes, they could either be allosexual or demisexual, in my opinion.

Then again, now that I think about it, Making An Effort itself could be a great metaphor for demisexuality, since they would be entirely sexless/asexual until they have enough of an emotional connection with someone to consciously manifest otherwise. Since the other angels and demons don't generally form those types of emotional connections with anyone, there hasn't been a precedent for it.

Except...

Brielzebub

We do have a precedent for it now, don't we? Gabriel and Beelzebub fell in love. They are a direct foil for Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship, speedrunning right through their courtship and finding their happily ever after on the other side of things.

For being such a 1 to 1 comparison, it feels deliberate that they did not kiss. They held hands, they were gooey with each other, but they did not kiss. That feels like such a deliberate thing to omit when you know what's to come at the end of the episode between Crowley and Aziraphale.

And going back to the food = sex metaphor for a moment, let's notice how even as they fell in love over the years, even when pints and crisps were there on the table in front of them, they never felt the desire to reach out for them. They didn't need to. It's a date (love story) even if you aren't eating dinner (sleeping together).

Yes, I know Jim liked hot chocolate. No, I am not counting it because I don't consider Jim and Gabriel to be the same person with the same proclivities, and Jim was highly suggestible at the time anyway.

Gabriel and Brielzebub's big happily ever after moment (as of now) was one between two asexual supernatural beings. They did not need to kiss to drive the point home. They showed what Crowley and Aziraphale could have, if they would only acknowledge it.

Crowley & Aziraphale's Dissatisfaction

But they do have that already, don't they? If you really think about it, what do Gabriel and Beelzebub do with each other that Crowley and Aziraphale don't already? They hold hands, they spend time together, they create little rituals, they give gifts, they're visibly and verbally affectionate with each other, etc. They are more or less already in a romantic asexual marriage relationship with each other, aren't they?

And it doesn't seem to be enough for either of them.

At the beginning of the season, Crowley is immediately shown to be unsatisfied with the way things are. Obviously part of it comes from living in his car, but it seems to be more than that (especially since Aziraphale makes it clear that the bookshop is just as much Crowley's as his, implying that he could have been living there the whole time and is choosing not to, for some reason?). You could argue he's feeling unmoored without Hell telling him what to do, but isn't that what he wanted? Isn't that what he still wants, by the end of the season? All season long, he's never indicated the desire for a new job, or a new project. He stopped the apocalypse because he wanted the freedom to openly spend time with Aziraphale, to spend his time on Earth however he sees fit. Until Gabriel arrives, he has exactly that (minus a flat).

So where does the dissatisfaction come from? And if it represents anything to do with his relationship, what does he want out of it that he isn't getting already?

I think Crowley only really comes to the realisation of what he's missing when Nina names it for him, not only putting them in the category of romantic, but physical (outright asking if they are sleeping together). These two posts [1], [2] go into more detail about what I mean, but I think it really pushes him into acknowledging that their relationship is more human than either of them have stopped to consider, and what that might mean as far as everything a human relationship can entail.

After all, Nina and Maggie only advised that he should talk to Aziraphale, make clear his feelings. The decision to kiss him, to tip them over the edge from nonphysical to physical, that was all him. And no, kissing isn't sex, but I wonder how taboo even that might be in the kind of all-encompassing asexuality most angels seem to identify with. (If they're disgusted by food and drink, I can only imagine what they think of snogging, much less sex.)

Aziraphale doesn't have this moment of someone observing their relationship from the outside. He loves Crowley, and as of 1941 probably even knows he's in love with him in a way that Crowley doesn't understand yet. Which makes sense, since love is technically his job, he'd be more likely to recognise it for what it is.

However, Aziraphale's reference for romance and relationships is Jane Austen. It's chaste. It's dancing and dinner and doing sweet things for each other and roses and candles and handholding. He contextualises his love for Crowley in that soft fantasy sort of way, where it's there, it's obviously there, but it's neat and easy and unspoken. Not to quote Glee in this, the year of our lord 2023, but it's all very "the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets".

Someone should tell that to Aziraphale's face, then.

I'm not going to pretend I know what Michael Sheen's script notes were, but there were definitely some Choices™ made. Because yes, there were plenty of moments in both seasons with Aziraphale looking at Crowley in a sweet, loving, smitten way. And then there were moments that were yearning.

But yearning for what, exactly? All of those sappy Jane Austen tropes already apply to the two of them. So why are there moments where Aziraphale is looking Crowley up and down like the last eclair in the window and licking his lips and visibly exhaling like he's trying to get in control of himself (see: Bastille scene + Crowley telling Muriel to ask him if they have any other questions about love)? Why is Aziraphale not only unconcerned when Crowley shoves him bodily up against a wall in s1, but staring at his lips and a beat too late in noticing Sister Mary's arrival? Why are some of his lines so suggestive? I'm sorry, but the car ride after the church explosion might as well have been the beginning of a Pizza Man porn with a really weird Blitz theme. If even my mother picked up on that vibe, I can't imagine it wasn't intentional on part of both the dialogue and the delivery.

(This section may feel like more of a reach/joke, but I'm really only 20% joking. These are writers and actors who are EXTREMELY good at their jobs; they know what they were doing here.)

More importantly, I don't think Aziraphale is even aware that there is more to what he wants. He lives in the Jane Austen fantasy and it never even occurs to him that he might be interested in anything further. It never even occurs to him that, as an angel, there is anything further to be interested in in the first place. Until Crowley forces it to occur to him. Just like I believe Nina forced Crowley to confront the idea that romantic love is what he's been feeling all along, I believe Crowley forced Aziraphale to confront the idea that physical intimacy is something he's been wanting, without even realising.

Aziraphale's Hedonism

Expanding on Aziraphale for a moment. We talked about his relationship with food, but we all know that Aziraphale is defined by his love of things that Feel Good.

It isn't just that he and Crowley love human things. Aziraphale loves the best of the best, or at least his version of it. He doesn't just love food, he loves going to fancy restaurants. He doesn't just love clothes, he loves soft, cosy, warm, plush clothes, or shiny, flashy, bougie fashion. He loves the warmth of tea and cocoa, loves getting drunk, and sitting in a comfy chair in the sunlight. He doesn't just experience, he indulges.

Given the emphasis put on things that Aziraphale loves just because they Feel Good, it feels narratively strange to assume that he wouldn't enjoy the feeling of being touched, or that he wouldn't be willing to try it, at least once, with someone he cared very deeply for. And just like the ox rib, I think that once he gets the first taste of things, he would absolutely tip over into complete and utter self-indulgence.

Dancing

I also think that dancing could be construed as a huge metaphor here. After all, we're told flat-out that angels don't Dance. Except one.

I would argue that Aziraphale, in fact, Made An Effort to learn how to Dance. He threw himself into the gavotte with delight (at a Victorian gay club; noted) and worked hard to be good at it. He's chomping at the bit to Dance with Crowley, working up the nerve to ask him with undeniably romantic intent and eagerness. So, angels don't Dance... unless they Make An Effort to do so.

We are told that demons, on the other hand, do Dance, but not well. Makes sense, since they're the ones who would want to encourage a deadly sin like lust, but have as little understanding of human love and physical intimacy as the angels. Crowley, however, is shown to be an excellent dancer at the ball, especially in his compatibility with Aziraphale.

(But Aziraphale WandaVisioned the ball so everyone knew how to dance! Yes, he did. However, the rest of the brainwashing doesn't seem to affect Crowley in any way, and they did actually live through the time period where this sort of dancing was a social norm; I'd be surprised if he never needed to learn. After all, the demons can't spell either, and Crowley is at least functionally literate, as far as we know.)

As of today, it's also been confirmed that when Aziraphale asked Crowley to dance, Crowley replied with "you don't dance." Not "WE don't dance". So going along with the metaphor, Crowley is just now discovering that Dancing is something Aziraphale is interested in at all, much less with him, and not denying that he himself is interested in Dancing. In his defense, I believe he was asleep for a few years while Aziraphale was learning the gavotte, so he wasn't exactly aware of Aziraphale's hot girl summer.

Love Languages

I want to expand on that; Crowley and Aziraphale's compatibility. Specifically in regards to their individual love languages.

We all know Crowley's love language is Acts of Service. I don't think there's any debate there. He loves it, Aziraphale loves it, they're both aware of it, we're all aware of it, God and Satan are aware of it, no surprise there.

You may disagree with me, but I believe Aziraphale's love language is Physical Touch, for a number of reasons. One of which being his aforementioned hedonism. Aziraphale likes things that Feel Good, remember? He likes soft clothes, and well-worn books. Neil himself has said that they like holding hands. And any time he is taken by surprise (Brielzebub getting together, the wave of love in Tadfield, etc.) what is the first thing he does? Reaches out for Crowley. He stops him with a hand to the chest in the pub. He leads him by the hand to the dance floor. He guides him by the waist in the graveyard. He reaches out during the entire Brielzebub scene, whether he can reach Crowley or not. Despite his own turmoil, he grasps at Crowley's back during the kiss.

The one time Crowley reaches out for him (not counting the kiss yet; we'll get there), he is aggressively pushed against a wall (by someone he loves and trusts) with a complete and utter lack of concern (and perhaps some interest, depending on how you read it).

And when he isn't reaching out for anyone, or there isn't anyone to reach out to? Well, he's wringing his own hands together, squeezing his own fingers, as if to find that physical comfort in himself.

So. With that theory in mind, we have Aziraphale (Physical Touch) + Crowley (Acts of Service). Throw in 6000+ years of deep love, cherished companionship, and forcibly repressed longing, and there is a very real potential of this combination resulting in fierce sexual compatibility. Where Aziraphale would want to touch and be touched, to indulge in physical pleasure with someone he adores, in the same the way he indulges in every other fine thing in his life. And where Crowley would want to indulge him in return, to give him everything he wants, and to take pleasure in Aziraphale's pleasure, in the same way he enjoys watching him take joy in food everything else.

So Aziraphale is an angel who is insecure about his own less-than-holy desires, who would want to treat Crowley like a luxury to be touched and cherished and adored. And Crowley is a demon who has, over the millennia, been unhappy about how they've been forced to deny even their friendship with each other, who would want Aziraphale to feel comfortable and safe and encouraged to indulge in earthly delights. That sounds like a stunning recipe for sexual compatibility to me.

"You said 'trust me'" / "And you did"

Just like the Job minisode, the Blitz is RIFE with symbolism (intentional or otherwise). This one will be quick, but I did want to touch on it because I thought it was interesting. Maybe I'm reaching at this point, but I'm assuming you read the tin.

First of all, Crowley not wanting to admit to never firing a gun before; comes off as someone who very much does not want to admit to their crush that they're a virgin ("You must have done this lots of times!" / "Umm.... yyyyyeah.")

(You could make the argument that Aziraphale having a firearms license and a Derringer in a hollowed-out book is symbolic of him not being a virgin while Crowley is. I disagree, for reasons I'll go into later, but it's a valid reading. However, I see it more like keeping a condom in your wallet; it's there in case you need it, but the opportunity has not yet risen no pun intended.)

More importantly, the theme of this entire minisode is trust. We already know they trust each other with their lives against the rest of Heaven, Hell, and the world. But specifically, this is about the importance of having complete trust in your partner in a charged, physically vulnerable, intimate moment, where the only danger is between the two of you.

Aziraphale needs to believe Crowley would never hurt him if he can help it. Crowley needs to trust Aziraphale's unwavering blind faith in him. Frankly, it all feels very symbolic of two people deeply in love losing their respective virginities with each other.

The trick is a success, and they share an intimate candlelit dinner in which they reaffirm their faith in each other. Aziraphale also begins to voice his agreement with Crowley, that maybe Heaven's rules shouldn't have to be as black and white as they are, and that there are benefits to... blurring the lines, shades of grey, wink wink (at which point even my mom was like, whoa guys, this is a family show).

Btw also: Can we all agree how much it looked like Crowley was getting ready to get a lapdance in that one scene? You know the one.

Also also: "Aim for my mouth"? Come on.

The Birds & The Bees

Now that I think of it, there's also something to be said for the fact that Crowley and Aziraphale are both obviously familiar with where babies come from (how they're made and how they're born) while the other angels aren't.

Something something Aziraphale and Crowley fundamentally understand sex and reproduction in a way the other angels (and probably demons) very much do not, nor have any desire to.

Probably not important. Just thought it was worth mentioning.

The Kiss™ & Religious Trauma

The Kiss. Where to even begin?

This has definitely been the hardest one to start, because there is so much going on here that I definitely won't be able to cover it all, and will certainly miss a few things here and there.

Aziraphale's reaction to the kiss afterwards is the most interesting to me. And I don't mean directly after, I don't mean the "I forgive you" part. I mean the way he touches his lips when Crowley is no longer in the room and he no longer needs to save face, when he is completely alone. Had it been directly after the kiss, it would have been rightfully read as horror, or disgust, a shield to discourage further action.

It's not. It isn't just a touch, it's a press. As desperate and angry and unexpected and imperfect as the kiss had been, Aziraphale is pressing it into himself, recreating the feeling as best he can. Beneath all the poor timing and shock and hurt from their fight and fallout, I think it's fair to say that it was something he enjoyed. Something he doesn't think he should enjoy, something that Feels Good that he only allows himself to indulge in when completely alone.

Remember, Aziraphale's idea of love is Jane Austen and gentleness and courtship and fantasy. If he'd ever even considered kissing an option, it might have been gentle pecks, cheek kisses, forehead kiss, hand kisses. Soft, safe, chaste affection.

Crowley's kiss turns all of that on its head. He introduces physical intimacy in a very real, very messy, very human way that I don't think Aziraphale ever even considered could apply to them. Considering what other angels are like and what they look down on, even Aziraphale's Jane Austen fantasies probably would have been considered taboo.

So for their first kiss to be rough and desperate and passionate in the way it was, of course he was confused and in shock. It was deeply physical, and as overwhelming and awful as it was in the moment, it Felt Good. Enough that he grasped at Crowley and kissed back, if only just for a moment, before stopping himself. Enough that he actively pressed it into his lips afterwards, in private, to remember.

I adore how Neil has decided to evolve these characters past the first book/season. More so in this season, Aziraphale and Crowley have both become such interesting allegories for queer people on either side of the spectrum of toxic religion. Aziraphale in particular obviously, because he is the side that so desperately wants to believe, to make a difference, and to unlearn all of the propaganda he's been fed over such a long time. Just like so much of organised religion, there is so much that he is told, time and time again, that he should not want, that he is silly or stupid or outright wrong for wanting. It reminds me so much of the severe Catholic guilt one might feel for wanting/engaging in sex for the first time, and the stigma of being queer layered on top of that.

What is so critical to Aziraphale's character is that he goes on wanting, and more than that, actively pursues. He was convinced to go up against Heaven and Hell and stop all of Armageddon because he wanted to go on listening to music and eating lunch and reading books and enjoying the simple company of the person he cares most deeply for, even if that person is supposed to be the enemy.

All this to say that if angels are as generally asexual/sex-averse as I believe them to be, narratively speaking, it would make sense for Aziraphale to be singular in that regard as well. Mirroring his first experience with food, it would make sense for Crowley to be the one to first introduce this new messy, physical, human dynamic between them, for Aziraphale to hesitate (obviously we are at the Hesitation phase at the moment), and then (eventually) for him to dive in wholeheartedly, to absolutely glut himself on this new thing that Feels Good. It would make sense for his character development to show him overcoming his metaphorical Catholic guilt and pursuing the sexual intimacy most (if not all) of the other angels would scorn.

(I can't help but remember that plot idea Neil described from the unwritten sequel, with Aziraphale in a hotel room trying to watch a full porno by way of the free 2-minute teaser clips so he wasn't technically sinning by paying for it. I so hope this is used in season 3, because gosh, I wonder why Aziraphale would suddenly be so interested in observing human physical intimacy after 6,000 years. Lonely and doing a little surreptitious research there, angel?)

Crowley, on the other hand, is the queer person who has broken free from his toxic religion. He prides himself on being his own person, on their his own side. He doesn't have the hang-ups Aziraphale does. He doesn't worry that he's going to be judged or cast aside for wanting things he's not supposed to. So it only makes sense for him to be the first one to suggest/initiate physical intimacy. It makes sense for him to be the one who "goes too fast" (another fantastic example of this dynamic beginning as early as s1; what is that conversation in the car meant to represent, if not Aziraphale being overwhelmed by the intensity of their relationship, and his fear of succumbing to it when he believes he shouldn't? It's also interesting that this is the first conversation to take place in Soho, just after watching Aziraphale realise he's caught feelings for a demon, with the red glow of lust serving as the backdrop).

Do I think the kiss in and of itself was sexual? No. I think it was a passionate and devastating last-ditch effort on Crowley's part to convey the way he feels for Aziraphale. Not just that he loves him, but that he loves him in the most human way possible. But I do think that the kiss represents how they can move forward from here, and what they might want to explore with each other once they feel free enough to do so.

In Conclusion

I am sure, deep in my bones (unless we are explicitly told otherwise), that this was both of their first kisses no, I'm not counting the gavotte, and that neither of them have ever thought to do anything else physical with the humans while they have been on Earth. Like I said before, they adore the human race and lifestyle in general, but ultimately view them as a separate species altogether, and they seem mostly happy to keep to themselves and each other, unless otherwise necessary. I just can't see either of them being drawn enough to a human to pursue anything close to sex. If Crowley in particular has had anything to do with sex in the context of temptations, I'm positive he would be inciting lust amongst the humans themselves, not involving himself directly. At least not that directly.

So, like every other human experience they've had on Earth, sex is something new that they could explore together, just the two of them, on their own side. A deeply intimate, tangible declaration of their love and everything they've gone through to earn it. A visceral finger to give both Heaven and Hell. A renewed appreciation for their corporations and for each other's. A enjoyable method for immortal beings to simply pass the time in each other's company. A new and exciting way to Feel Good, and all the variations that come with it.

You might agree with this post, or you might not. Whether this is something that is ever addressed or not, it doesn't matter to me. This is a brilliant love story either way, and I genuinely feel so privileged to witness it.

But I just can't find it in myself to imagine, given everything we know about these two characters, that sex isn't an experience they would both consume with wholehearted enthusiasm, curiosity, and profound, ineffable adoration.

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Bonus feature: the very silly notes I made to myself that inspired this post

#pinned post bc I'm particularly proud of how it turned out and i don't want it to get buried when people check out my blog lol #Good omens #good omens spoilers #good omens season 2 #good omens season 2 spoilers #good omens 2 #good omens 2 spoilers #gos #gos spoilers #gos2 #gos2 spoilers #gomens #gomens spoilers #gomens 2 #gomens 2 spoilers #good omens s2 spoilers #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #aziraphale #crowley #mine #meta #character analysis #character study #discourse #making an effort #this literally took me a week to finish i really hope it doesn't sound stupid lol #i know I'm gonna wake up in a cold sweat every couple days bc i forgot to add something but i needed this out of my drafts and also my brain

[dandylovesturtles]

100 Feet and A World Away Lore Post

I said before if I won the first round of the TMNT AU Competition I'd put up a lore post of my separated (kinda) AU called "100 Feet and A World Away," which is really more of a reward for myself because now I get to ramble about my babies.

This is an AU I've been building in my head for some time and do eventually want to write a fic about. When? I do not know I have soooo many things I'm in the middle of right now but! hopefully! eventually!

So for now here's just some lore because I can't contain myself, I have to talk about this eventually haha. Like releasing a pressure valve.

without further ado

100 Feet and A World Away (a separated (kinda) AU) (aka the Shape of Water AU)

cw: dehumanization, child abuse (not by a parental figure), brief dismemberment (caused by Donnie, not TO him)

Backstory

quick note: in this AU the age gap between April and the boys is bigger than in canon because it just made things logistically easier; April is 20 and the boys are their S1 ages (15/14/13)

everything up through Lou Jitsu escaping with the boys from Draxum's lab happens as in canon

a few years later (when the boys are about 5/4/3), Splinter goes out to get supplies, leaving the boys in what he thinks (hopes) is a safe place (he doesn't have a lot of choices). He comes back to find the boys have disappeared.

he won't know what happened to them for 10 years

they were spotted by a human sanitation worker, who called animal control, who were like "what the hell is this" and got a Shady Military-affiliated Corporation involved. The boys are taken to a lab to be studied and, once their sturdiness and combat potential are observed, trained to be used for combat by the US Military.

the boys didn't go quietly, at least not Raph and Donnie, who viciously bit and tried to run; they were shocked and sedated. Leo, who had Mikey, saw this and decided to comply because he didn't want them to hurt his little brother. Mikey was too young to understand what was happening so his reaction was mostly just to cry.

Splinter had told the boys never to talk to humans, and the boys take this to heart, hushing up and never speaking to the humans even once they're taken to the lab. As a result, the humans know they have large brains but still assume they only have the intelligence of an ape at best. They treat them like animals, really the comparison I keep thinking of is the raptors in Jurassic World lol: something scary but with the hopes that they will eventually act like attack dogs.

to be clear revealing they could talk wouldn't have helped them much so it's for the best

the boys are given serial numbers when they arrive at the lab but the scientists call them by numbers as a shorthand based on the order they were processed in:

Mikey is Turtle 1

Leo is Turtle 2

Raph is Turtle 3

Donnie is Turtle 4

because Raph and Donnie acted aggressively, the scientists were afraid they would attack each other as well as Leo and Mikey, so they decided to isolate the two of them. On the flip side, because Leo and Mikey were more docile and Leo kept holding onto Mikey, they decided to keep the two of them together. An experiment in isolation vs socialization

as a result, the boys have not seen each other for the last decade, with the exception of two Incidents that I won't be detailing in this post (gotta keep a few secrets lol)

the boys are put through harsh training in an attempt to "tame" them and train them to attack/kill soldiers as ordered. they're also run through tests to determine things like their mental capacity and problem solving skills. there's no like medical testing/experimentation on them in this AU though it's mostly like if they do bad they get shocked and also the scientists/trainers don't really have compunctions against hitting them or muzzling them.

when not in training they live in their own zoo-like enclosures inside sterile rooms, much like the one in Shape of Water which is part of why the AU is the Shape of Water AU lol

MEANWHILE

April is an aspiring investigative journalist who just saw her first success uncovering some shady dealings in a supposedly non-profit organization

she receives a tip about something strange happening in an otherwise normal lab and testing facility just outside NYC's city limits

she's expecting to find illegal animal testing or bioweapons research

instead she finds Turtle Four

Donnie

has been isolated this whole time and as a result is more than a little feral, but not so much that he can't talk. he just has absolutely no sense of social etiquette (my inspiration is the bit in Rat Flu where he says "Make him say yessssah" and HEY BOY IT'S ME THE PS5-)

also he's still autistic but he hasn't learned to mask at all so he acts in a way the humans find weird and unsettling

thinks the humans around him are all idiots and he's so much smarter and better than them. basically his canon superiority complex has ratcheted up to 100 because he has no respect for these guys at all

makes regular escape attempts so lab security just keeps adding more and more obstacles (like an electric fence around his enclosure and steel doors to the room)

probably could have escaped by now but he always doubles back for his brothers and that's how he always gets caught by The Hunter

not as good with tech as his canon counterpart but only because he hasn't been allowed to read or study anything while he's been stuck here, so he only knows as much as he's pieced together messing with things in his enclosure and observing the humans. he's learned a LOT even this way (which is why he knows he's a genius!) but his thirst for knowledge is immense and he wants to get out so he can read books! break things and put them back together! use the internet!

has built up an entire imagined scenario of how things will be once he finally does break himself and his brothers out of there and I'm sure that everything will go exactly how he's expecting and there will be no hiccups at all :)

no longer has any attachment to the name Donatello and thinks of himself as Turtle Four, though he does remember being called Purple too

thinks their dad has abandoned them and doesn't really have any hope that he's looking for them

has a lot of scars on his body from his many many escape attempts and punishments, but most noticeably a scar along his jaw on the left side of his face

Leo

has been with Mikey this whole time so is still much more socialized, lucid, and "human" acting compared to Donnie

has poured all his energy since coming here into being Mikey's Big Brother and making sure things are safe and comfortable for him, being upbeat and positive for his sake, trying to make him laugh and keep him happy to the best of his ability, and generally just doing his normal canon thing but pushed to 11

this façade is the only thing keeping him going and god help him if it cracks

the scientists realized early on that it's easier to get Leo to comply if they threaten/hurt Mikey so Leo is scared of going out of line and just a big ball of guilt 24/7

due to An Incident he has a scar on the right side of his face that matches Donnie, and he doesn't particularly trust Donnie as a result. wishes he would stop his escape attempts because it makes the scientists cranky and they take it out on him and Mikey

still insists their dad is coming for them, if only to keep Mikey's hopes alive

inwardly pretty sure they're going to die here

is the only one who has seen Raph since their initial separation and refuses to talk about it

I'll Keep These Feelings Inside And Then I'll Die

still fully associates with the name Leo

Mikey

fully aware that Leo's putting on act for his sake, but if being a Big Brother is what he needs to keep going then he'll be the Little Brother he needs

knows it's unhealthy but what are they supposed to do?

feels guilt for being used as leverage against Leo

fascinated by humans even though he knows they hurt him regularly

once he saw a scientist doodling and his mind expanded by 1000%. the scientist drew him eventually and he's wanted so bad to do art ever since

the previous bullet point sounds like it's leading to a wholesome interaction but it is not, I'm sorry I mislead you

not as sure that their dad will save them as he lets Leo think he is; he has faith that their dad loves them and is still looking for them but also thinks Donnie is right that they should be helping themselves so they can get back to him

generally has more faith in their brothers than Leo does

can destroy you but chooses not to

still fully associates with the name Mikey

Raph

has gone full savage; it's a defense mechanism

his memories are still there, but they're so deep in his mind he currently only accesses them as vague feelings and sensations

still knows his family by scent, if not by sight

gentle giant when he's surrounded by Familiar Smells, very very aggressive when surrounded by Unfamiliar Smells

he's so dangerous the scientists don't interact with him much, which doesn't help the situation

thinks of himself as "it," when he thinks of himself at all

uncovering the real Raph would take a safe place and time and patience and he isn't getting any of that here!

April

was just trying to live her life man

dating Sunita but presently bummed that Sunita has rejected her suggestion that they move in together (it's because Sunita hasn't broken the whole "I'm actually a slime monster" news to her yet and isn't sure how, but April doesn't know that so she just thinks Sunita isn't as serious as she is)

when she meets Donnie he scares the absolute shit out of her at first

her first instinct is to get away from this whole mess ASAP, but then she realizes Donnie is just a kid and she can't just leave him in there

then he reveals he has 3 brothers and no he is NOT leaving without them

what has she gotten herself into...

is undoubtedly and irrevocably Big Sis April by the end

Splinter

never once stopped looking

finally found a lead that seemed legit but would need a human to help him get inside

found out about a young intrepid reporter looking for tips........

and that's all I'll say now ;)

The Hunter

basically the evil Robert Muldoon (from Jurassic Park)

I haven't named him yet sorry

his job is to catch the turtles if they escape, and he also participates in their training

fully aware that the turtles are more intelligent than they let on, thinks this just makes them more exciting to hunt

Donnie is basically his archnemesis (having a 14-year-old archnemesis is kind of cringe though bro)

will hurt them and doesn't feel bad about it

is missing a finger thanks to Donnie (I did say this was a Shape of Water inspired AU lol)

This was probably a little thin in places so if you are interested and have questions ask me! Wheeeeeeee~

#100 feet and a world away #my separated au #there's more I want to say but also I don't want to spoil too much if I DO write the fic #so this is just like #the really basic stuff

[damnation-if]

Hi, I just played the demo and I loved it! I was wondering if you could give us an estimate of when the next update is coming?👉👈 (Or link a relevant post, if you already talked about and I just didn't scroll down far enough to see it 😆)

Also, I wanted to check, can you be in a romantic relationship with more than one character, and not just a sexual one? Because I might be in love with every single character in this game 🤭

hi, thank you! i'm glad you're enjoying the game :) i've answered the question about romancing multiple characters a couple of times in a couple of different asks but the posts all kind of link back to each other so you should be able to find all the info by. following the various links in each ask i think, starting here XD

i'm going to put the answer to your other question under a cut because some of it is quite emotional for me

i did Sort Of talk about this at the time when it happened, by which i mean that rather than making a post, i talked about it in the tags of an unrelated post i was using to distract myself (i think it was character playlists and how i'm not sure if it's a good idea to do them or not if i recall), but earlier this year while i was already going through a really rough time, my laptop died and i lost a lot of work on the game.

i knew my laptop was old and that this was possibly approaching so i made regular backups and the good news is that because i write in a separate word document and keep backups of those also i didn't actually lose any Writing. however. my twine has a problem in that every second or third game file that i publish from the build is Haunted - it contains passages i removed weeks ago, or writing that i deleted long before publishing it, that kind of weird annoying shit. (other authors have seen my files do this lmfao) and i just have to hope that the backups i make either won't be needed or aren't haunted. anyway... because hope is futile, the last backup i made was indeed haunted, and utterly useless to me as a recovery file. because it's just twine, i still have all the writing, as i mentioned... but i would have to re-code the entire chapter and put it all back together again because of how much the file did not export, which is a complicated and daunting process.

so i made a rambling explanation of this in the tags of a post and decided to take maybe a couple of days off and cool down from this specific disaster before getting into it.

i wake up the next morning to find the IF community absolutely plastered all over with Helpful Informative PSA posts about how Silly it is not to make backups and how if you just make backups you'll never have problems again and you should know better than to not make backups.

now. i'm not a catastrophist. i know for a fact that nobody was making or spreading these posts out of cruelty or a desire to make me feel bad. i also know that it's not particularly realistic to expect people who don't even know me to hunt down the source of a piece of hearsay that's like "i heard from someone that someone said that an author lost a bunch of their files and is really upset about it" to find out what the situation is and whether or not it's what they imagine. i don't even think the vast majority of people knew who it was that was the author involved, or who i am either.

but to already be going through an extremely stressful time and then lose my laptop on top of that and then be obliquely referenced by people i thought of as my peers as kind of just a big silly bumbling goose who didn't know how to manage my files and a "don't be like this person" attitude really, really hurt me. i can't express just how deeply it hurt me. one particular author was openly laughing at me and saying it was my own fault for being too stupid to make backups using a certain twine peripheral program.

so. there was a period of time where i could have found the motivation to just restart the whole chapter myself and re-code it in a frenzy because i wanted to get right back into writing it because. like a lot of authors, i LOVE writing. that's why i do this even when it's difficult. but that potential recovery was sandblasted away by the reactions of people that i thought of as my colleagues in some sense (even though i understand that they didn't do it with bad intentions, in most cases). and i hope people can understand that it greatly lengthened the amount of time i needed to spend away from the game recovering emotionally, despite being a Very Small issue to most people. i'm literally upset again just typing out this answer lmfao

however one other small piece of good news is that my laptop seemingly just lost the ability to turn itself on (because of its age) so i Think the hard drive is intact. meaning that i think i can get someone to pull all the files off it and just have them back fine once i do. the other piece of bad news is that my life is a trainwreck! and i cannot afford that right now. which is why i sort of pivoted to writing the 2000 follower celebration sidegame as a way to enjoy myself while i hurtle through hell sdjgbdfhfdgh

shortly after this thing with the laptop the house i was living in was sold out from underneath me, even though it wasn't supposed to be, and i had to find somewhere to live with my 18 year old cat, but the city i lived in had zero places that would allow cats (they're totally fine with Dogs though of course) so i had to move to an entirely new city on my own while worrying about her health. and right now i spend every fortnight desperately trying to scrape together enough to survive the next fortnight. there were entire months where i had no access to internet! it's been pretty Bad!!

so i get that people really want updates, and i'm really flattered that people do and it makes me happy that people like the game so much. but i am currently expending so much time and energy trying not to die lmfao, and i need to save up the money to get my files back around that. i truly cannot tell you when the next update will be, but i promise you that it Haunts me, probably more than you can imagine XD the sidegame will Definitely come out before it though, if that's something you're looking forward to.

thank you again for your message, and i'm sorry that i don't have good news for you. but i am trying, constantly. every day.

#what does the chaos mirror see #eternal-flame #i hope it doesn't come across like i'm mad about this question because i'm not<3 #it's just that my life is really terrible! and i constantly feel tense and upset about it! lmfao #i was SO nervous when i published the game for the first time that the build i published would be a haunted one lmfao #literally combing through every single accessible passage with a magnifying glass to make sure it wasn't #would it have been better to get the haunting out of the way with publishing the game or keep it for this backup problem?? i don't know #wish it just wouldn't do it i guess. but then again i haven't noticed it as a problem since getting my new laptop #so hopefully i won't have to worry about it in future #hurgh... still not over this properly i guess lmao

[auxiliarydetective]

We've done it!

Or, more accurately, you've done it! Thanks to you, my fellow Tumblrinas, I've actually managed to hit 200 followers!

I never thought I would get this far, but I'm eternally grateful for all the love you've given me, and I can't wait to share many more brainrots with you!

In tune with that, I've decided: Why not let you look even further into my mind? I've given you lots of writing, but why not provide some visuals? And so, in thinking about what I wanted to do for my 200 followers celebration, I came up with...

⁕ Evie's Mind Palace Festival! ⁕

(Placing a cut so this doesn't get too long ^^)

As depicted in this lovely graphic above, I'm going to be focusing on my OCs' fashion for this little event. But not just that! I'll get to the bonuses later :)

For now, text version! Because Tumblr likes not loading images and some people may not be able to view the image

↬ Step 1: Pick an OC of your choice! From my OCs, that is. Hope that was clear. Anyone from the list. I'll even throw in a little bonus and say that unintroduced OCs are allowed! That means the ones on this list AND ones I may have rambled to to you in a chat we've had.

↬ Step 2: Pick an occasion prompt! The prompts are as follows:

Casual (aka everyday wear, aka their basic character design or an alternate outfit or it)

Formal

Training/Athletic

Battle (this may overlap with either 1. or 3. for some characters, but let's assume they actually get geared up for battle)

Hot weather (your typical summer clothes)

Cold weather (sweaters, winter coats, you name it)

Swimwear

Canon event (may overlap with some other categories, but I made this a separate thing for the lore opportunities it provides) - Make sure to specify what canon event you want!

Stealing clothes - You can include who the character should steal from in your ask, otherwise I will pick the victim myself.

Holiday-themed - Pick your holiday! Any holiday counts.

Fandombend - Pick your fandom! (This will probably come with some headcanons on what the OC would be like in the new fandom)

Inspired by a song - Please, pick a song! Preferably from the OC's playlist. I should have a playlist for almost every OC. Hop into the "#playlist" tag on my blog to find them and, if they're not posted over there anywhere, tap on any playlist that's there, let it take you to my Spotify profile, and hop into the "Character Playlists" folder!

↬ Step 3: If you want, pick an extra prompt! Your options are:

Historical - Please specify your time frame! You don't necessarily have to, but I tend to be an indecisive little gremlin, so it would make things a little easier if you could pick ^^"

Fantasy (This, of course, makes little sense if the OC is already in a fantasy setting)

Sci-fi (Once again, this makes little sense if the OC is already in a sci-fi setting)

Steampunk

Cultural - Please pick a culture for me to take inspiration from! It doesn't have to be a real-life culture. For example, you could pick Japan for some kimono art or you could pick the Kuja from One Piece!

Color prompt - Pick your color! I ask that you do keep it at one color so that I have some more freedom, and I won't take specific hex codes either because those specific hex codes might clash with the OC's color palette

Prompt of your choice - This can be literally anything! Yes, also an occasion, in which case it would replace your original occasion prompt. I just didn't have the space to add in all occasions known to man, so if you have another idea, this is where to put it.

↬ Step 4: Send your ask! Done!

Once you've sent your ask, please keep in mind that it might take me a while to answer it. I'll then make a collage/moodboard and get the ask posted. Maybe, I'll also draw your prompt, depending on if I have the energy and/or time for it. If I plan on doing that, I'll let you know in the post and tag you once I have the drawing finished! I may also be swayed into adding a little fic snippet to the answer, if I do feel so inclined. Maybe a song to match the vibes? It'll be a little surprise!

► Rules:

Be nice! It's not hard, and it's basically all I ask.

This is the one time you might not want to shower me in asks because these asks might take a bit to answer. I'm not putting a cap on how many asks per person you're allowed to send, just maybe be mindful of how long they take to answer and space them out over the time of the event.

I'll be accepting asks from the time that this is posted until March 17th. The event ends with the strike of midnight starting the next day. Whenever that may be in your time zone. As long as it's still 23:59 on March 17th somewhere around the world, send in your ask. I might also extend the event if asks keep coming in and I have the energy to keep going.

↬ Additional info for mutuals: You get to ask for crossovers! Just pick one of my OCs and one of yours and I'll try my best to draw them. I might bother you for references though, so be prepared! It doesn't matter how long we've been mutuals for! It could've been five minutes, you're still allowed to send in crossover asks. As long as we're mutuals, let's say, at the time that the ask is answered, it's all good. In practice, that means that you just need to be following me to be able to send in a crossover request. If you ask nicely and maybe say something about why you'd think why our two children would go well together and we share a fandom, it's very unlikely that I'll deny your request and won't follow you back.

Also, if you've ever wanted to say something about my OCs and/or me and my blog, this might be the perfect time for you to do it.

Okay, that's it for now! Love you, everyone! Here's to more fandom-y shenanigans!

Also, behold my new non-OC post divider! It features a lineart sketch of my blog icon in the middle! The icon was designed by @benevolenterrancy pretty much exactly two years ago when they realized my old icon was not, in fact, a unicorn. I still go full-on heart-eyes mode whenever I see my icon, so I figured it was time to remind everyone of the amazing artist that created it <3

Taglist: @starcrossedjedis @oneirataxia-girl @daughter-of-melpomene @fluffle-system @wheresmybloodynauglamir @supermarine-silvally @nanukanal @cody-helix02 (I believe this is the first time I've ever used my full taglist, aka the basic taglist plus everyone from fandom-specific taglists - wowie!) - Let me know if you'd like to be added or removed, for specific fandoms or the general list!

#evie's events #evie's mind palace festival

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

ooo can I hear about the bap crew?

OF COURSE <333 i loveeee talking about the bap crew thank youuuu

okay so first off general warnings for the podcasts and all my posts about it for the most part <3 there are mentions of cults, death/murder, religion (and the like) and i think thats it mostly? (as a general) but sometimes it can be a lot, take care of yourself yall <33 and the rest is under the cut there is a lot <3

with that out of the way i guess if you didn't know already lol !! they are my podcast ocs !!! i'm in the works of creating a horror <3 podcast that takes place in an amusement park with 5 main characters and a god <3

so this post here explains a lot about the main characters personalities and stuff and the tags #brickwoods and #bap on my tumblr have some other posts related to the crew <3 recently i've been doing some extra stuff for fleshing out their families who will eventually be showing up in podcast and i can do a quick over view of them here tho <3

oh and not necessarily crew related but the length of podcast <333 imma ramble about that for a sec <3 so season 1 is going to be all amusement park stuff and the last episode of that season will be a major plot point/death (sorta setting the darker/more dramatic scene for s2) s2 is also amusement park shenanigans however now that the stakes have been raised the rest of the cast is pretty scared now yk. but they have still their motivations for wanting to get out and so <3

s3 is going to be after our final girl rebecca escapes the park and tries to a) sorta solve why that happened in the first place (why them. who is the god etc etc) and b) try to give closure to the others families so yeah. plus some other plots things yk <3

and then s4 will most likely be rebecca trying to stop/take down the cult because she doesn't want something like this to happen again and the ending is in workshop <33 (aka i can't decide between like. a couple possible endings i have planned but main plot won't change despite which one i eventually choose :))

okay so back to the crew lol <33 since that other post explains a lot of basic stuff about them feel free to ask specific questions about them now that you have info about them <3 but for now family time !!!

(specific warnings for this area some bad parents mentioned)

so david <3 ae is an only child with 2 moms, they are very sweet and amazing and extremely Extremely heartbroken when david never comes home after the park and stuff. they definitely had like plans for college visits and they had a car ready for when david was going to get aer license. the two of them are going to be pretty sad to write for in s3 i think but also i love them as characters (i was posting about them like last week lol they are very cute and fun when they arent sad </3)

hmm sophia's family <3 so her dad was born into the cult when it was a bit less strict (he was 'home-schooled' by the cult but also was allowed out bc his family is a main influential family) and her mom married in. they aren't the nicest parents by a long shot, and they only respect sophia because she became the leader. sophia does have a sibling however she doesn't know about them bc their parents kept them separate in order not to 'taint' sophia's godly touch

rebecca's family doesn't have too much going on, it is also an only child and her parents have been active in her life, not as great/caring as davids parents yet not uncaring either. rebecca really just lived with them her whole life and doesn't totally feel like it connected with its parents in any important way tbh

sunni ! so sunni grew up with only his mom and his sister and after the incident with carter (wait did i tell yall that was her name yet. thats the mutual best friends name in case i Didnt say that already <3) sunni's sister Mary ended up moving out with a friend and not keeping in touch with sunni or their mom again. she also changed her last name as soon as she legally could. but yeah so sunni doesn't have a very close relationship with his mom either and he has no relationship with his sister anymore which upests him a lot but he also keeps this close to him

and blair <3 so blair has 2 brothers (twins age 10 (i think)) named ben and bruno (named by My twin siblings so) and their parents are pretty bad. blair is very protective of their younger brothers and has been trying for a while to save up enough to move all of them out but hasn't quite yet. they fight really hard in the park to try and get out because they do not want to leave their brothers with out someone else to help and be there with them.

and i think thats it for a basic run over of all their families and the characters in general a bit <3 :)) feel free to ask any questions based on this post, the last post or like. literally anything <33 they are my passion project and i love BAP sooo very much <3

#camera asks #whittingsonder #thank you SO much for the ask whit !! #also this took forever to type out i apologize </3 #anyways woo !! i love them lots <3 #also there are Probably spelling/grammar errors im so sorry lol </3 #brickwoods #bap asks #bap

[madness-of-void]

The Cosplay Progress (?)

Okay...I'm doing it. I'm showing off the hot mess of progress of the possibly decent, or absolutely hot garbage, cosplay of my version of human!Ink. I do have a nice chunk of the items for the cosplay - just gotta put it together. Most of the putting together can be done in a day, and I have until July to finish it all, soooo...we'll see how this goes! ^^;

Now I'll just post updates maybe every other day, or once a week, since I do have most of it in hand. And it will all be under the cut, since it'll long as fuck. So, without further ado, let's begin, shall we?

First off, this is probably the most ambitious cosplay I've ever done. Normally I do something easy. Examples: Stiles from TW, casual Keith from VLD, and recently (for Halloween) genocide route Frisk. debating on positing what garbo pics i have of those

Flowerfell!Frisk? Probably the most complex I've done, and only because I had to have help make a flower crown, actually use fabric glue for the flowers and little heart on the shorts and flower on the mask , painted up a random prop stick I had lying around no idea why i had that , and did a little bit of faint make-up. And ended up with this:

bad pic i know but it's all i got of the full thing where i don't look like a drowned rat coz goddamn it was hot af

So after that, for some damned reason, I decided it would be a GREAT idea to do a difficulty jump and do Ink! Yaaaaay...I'm so smart. I have been looking at this as a reference for what I need mostly coz i had it saved on my phone already , which has been both motivation to get this done...but also a little intimidating. But I'm already too far into this. Can't back out now!

Anyways, enough rambling! Let's start with the first update on this silly thing!

HOODIE

So, firstly, I already had my eye on the Ink hoodie from Simakai (I'll properly tag once the whole thing is done). I already have the Underfell one that I used for my Flowerfell!Frisk cosplay. I also have the Outertale hoodie, bi pride hoodie, and ace pride hoodie all from Simakai! They are all amazing hoodies, and I actually just bought Epic's hoodie from their new shop! Definitely check them out! They're comfy, well made, and I'll admit I wear my Outertale and Underfell hoodies out sometimes.

The pic doesn't do it justice (hence all the millions of links above), but tada! The hoodie! My biggest worry is maybe tripping on the scarf, but I think I can manage. place your bets coz my ass clumsy

Also, there is a little surprise in it!

Twas quite the laughing jumpscare when I was messing with the pockets.

And that's it for update 1! Stay tuned for more. >:3

~+~

Update 2 time!

Apologies for how garbage the pics are for this part. Space was a mess at the time, and I'm too lazy to redo it. With that out of the way...let's ramble!

PANTS

So, next to the sash for the vials, this was surprisingly the hardest thing for me to find. I couldn't find anything that looked "just right". The first pair that I bought did look just right...but the color was way off. Way too bright from what was advertised. Took me a while to find another pair, and I actually bought two more. one of which i may use for a ftfo!ink Now, the next pair is the right color...but it's just a nice pair of sweats/joggers. Which is a bit of a bummer, but seeings how I cannot sew/make a full blown pair of pants (can barely sew at all), and my stepmom (who can sew) isn't that insanely skilled, they will have to do.

Here is a pic of the pants side-by-side coz for the longest time I was going to go with the first pair I bought. But after putting it together with the top...no. Just...no. Did not look good. You'll have to take my word for it.

And before you ask, yes. I will have assistance sewing on the little suspenders. That will be two separate posts on their own in the future! It won't be just plain brown pants.

So that's it for update 2! Stay tuned for more! if you want i ain't forcing ya lols

~+~

Update number 3! Wooooo!

And it is actually really boring.

Like...royally boring. sorry?

GLOVES

So these were a bit easy to get. Granted, I did buy two pairs, because I couldn't decided initially. It was only after trying them on that I could make a decision.

They are a bit long, but I can live with that. especially coz I am not planning on doing the tatts, that would end terribly And, yes, they are missing that little piece on the pinky. Just like the pants are missing the suspenders. And just like with those, I will be having assistance sewing that piece on!

I could show you want I have of that, but I'm planning on making that one big update.

Okay! That's it! Stay tuned for update 4!

~+~

Update 4! Not another exciting one again. The more exciting ones will slowly trickle in. depending on what you define as exciting

Anywho! Update 4!

SHOES

Yes. Shoes. I know our favorite souless bean doesn't wear shoes anymore...but I have to. No need to get my toes all messed up! Especially at this convention center. Walking around there can be a nightmare! Closed toed or not. 😭

Anyway!

Shoes!

They were sadly kind of expensive, but these were the closest I could find that kind of fit for what I was going for and i looked at custom ones first. Plus, I will be wearing these outside of the cosplay. So I get shoes for cosplay, and shoes for whenever I wanna wear them - a win-win.

But, one more thing! I will also I guess ruin them, in a way. How will I ruin them? Well...I was thinking of adding more splatter to them. Plus, see that pesky logo? Welp...I also had an idea for that.

And I'll just leave this update at that. >:3

~+~

#void talks #nic talks #cosplay fun fun time #this is a wee bit stupid but eh fuck it #i do what i want #not gonna do huge tags for it coz this is just mostly for me and whoever wants to look at my ramblings

[cits-ocs]

I don't use this acc very often but it's 3 AM rn, I want to ramble about my characters. No pinned post about each of them yet, so I'll use this as an opportunity to get people to know my fellas.

We'll start off with Andres and Indah, my two OCs who I've been focusing on a lot, since a lot happens in their story. I'm going to start from how they were conceived and how they are now.

Back in June 2021, I was reading Legs That Won't Walk, a Korean BL that involved gang members and stuff. I was getting angry from it, because man was it just so toxic but I was like, "I'll make characters that aren't as toxic as them!"

Lo and behold, my 2021 design of Indah and Andres, respectively. (Fun fact I designed Andres off of a picrew I made of him. Indah's hair was just bullshitted.)

Indah back then was just cold, not necessarily apathetic. Like the kinda mean sort of bad boy. Andres stayed the same-ish, he's just a mean goober.

So, we got the designs and personality. Now it's backstory time...

In 2021, I was also sort of interested in human trafficking? It will come into play later, but basically I decided their backstories will be darker than the usual. Like, besides domestic abuse, there's going to be actual crimes.

Their backstories were ROUGH, the worst part is I didn't even have a solid story. Just a stupid vague one and nothing ever stuck, it was just a mist. Since I didn't have a story when developing their backstories, the backstories were more fleshed out than the actual story.

Anyways, let's talk about their original awful backstories, starting with...

Andres P. Matay!

(I removed "Cris" in his name since I ended up having a character whose nickname is Cris.)

He's a Filipino, grew up in the Mindanao part of the Philippines. He had a twin sister, but his dad and mom separated and the mom left to go somewhere and took the sister. So now, it's just him and his dad. They're poor, so his dad had to do multiple jobs to keep them going.

One day, when he was like 13 or so, he came home and saw the police outside his house. Turns out, his dad's been murdering people and using their meat for food. Like, the food Andres ate that contained meat? Yeah, human meat. Now his dad is in jail and he doesn't want to eat meat because he's afraid it's gonna be human meat. So he has no dad now, he's gonna be in the care of social workers.

He was put in an orphanage (or was just a squatter kid. I don't know, I had 2 ideas for this part) and ran away, but then he meets his uncle, who he thought was going to help him. Nah, his uncle kidnaps him. Now here's where my interest in human trafficking came in! He's sent out to be a child soldier.

For some context, in 2017, there was actually this thing called the Marawi war. I was pretty young at the time so I didn't care for it, but the basic gist is there were ISIS terrorists so there was a war in that city.

Andres was supposed to be a child soldier in that war, sent out by ISIS. (There were actually reports of child soldiers in the war) and yeah, long story short, shit horrified him. After the war was over, he had nothing, because the city he lived in is in ruins and he has no relatives to help him. He's skilled with guns so he becomes a criminal, ends up as a hitman. That was his bsckstory.

I made drastic changes lol, because it was just too edgy.

Now it's time for...

Mohammed Indah Monanandara!

(I actually thought "Mohd" was legit just the name but it's just a short version of Mohammed... He wasn't even muslim anymore when he changed his name.)

Okay, this one is like, edgy for the sake of edgy. I'll keep it short because I didn't even think of his backstory as much as Andres.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF RAPE OR SEXUAL ASSAULT

Indah is half-Thai, half-Indonesian. Why? I was active in this server during 2021, and one of the people there was Thai and I was watching Nanno too, so I was like "hm Thailand seems cool" but I forgot where the Indonesia part came from, but the Thai part came after Indonesia. Also that friend made me his surname (I just checked now and it's actually spelled "Monanandra" but ehhh...). Anyways he grew up in Indonesia, in Jakarta. He was also born a girl, this comes into play later.

He had a normal family and was a smart student. Until when he was in highschool, his father suddenly got into debt with like a gang. They lost money. I forgot how this ties into the next part, but the next part is one day, Indah gets confessed to by a male classmate of his. He declines. After school, the classmate and his friends found him alone on the school campus and... SA'd him. Then he got pregnant. Then he gave birth to a child (he kept her).

I was inspired by the first episode of Nanno season 2. Spoilers for Nanno, but first ep, Nanno curses this playboy guy to get pregnant. When I saw the stuff, the idea just popped in.

After that part of his backstory, it was really just empty stuff? I had the vague idea wherein he gets trafficked too or something, and then meets this gang leader who helps him out, etc. etc. Now he's a high ranking gang member.

In his revamp, I only kept the first few parts, then just filled in the rest of the empty spots. Why did I keep the SA part even though it kind of felt... weird? Because I have a friend who likes Indah and relates to him because of that. So, I felt obligated to just keep it in.

Ok this post is like very long and took me almost an hour to write.

Fun fact, Monanandara is spelled as "มรอนันตรา" and means "eternal death" which is very cool

Part 2 will be the next

Part 2, I'll mainly talk about how I revamped them and how they are currently compared to their 2021 versions. And I'm going to start tagging my posts with my characters' names

#original characters #oc #ocs #original character #text post #text #andres matay #indah monanandara #tw sa

[fadebolt]

My brother and I both have our birthdays in March, so our uncle has bought gifts for both of us simultaneously. He has decided to pick a Steam game that has been peaking his interest due to how much he's been hearing a lot about it from someone else recently (and from a rather popular CA video too, I guess).

I suppose it's not very hard to guess what game I'm referring to here. He's even going to wait for me to get home before he'll try it, which is just so incredibly sweet. I hope he'll end up liking it, but considering how he's played a bunch of very unique games that are difficult, have pixelart, or require a boatload of patience, Rain World should be right up his alley.

This is the first time I've managed to get anyone outside of my 4 and 6 year old cousins interested in the game, and I'm frankly quite pumped about it. Though I pray he isn't gonna come over to the Tumblr fandom of the game, cus yeah, he's an amazing guy and I love him, and the same goes for this community, but sometimes, it's simply for the best to keep some things nicely separated, even if you hold both of them rather dear to yourself. As sweet as Tumblr is, it does have a bit of a scary side to it, and it already gives me enough anxiety about the stuff I'm putting out, so I really don't need the stress of having to worry about someone else too.

On another note, I'll have to travel right when the anniversary stream is happening, so I won't get to see the art and announcements live, together with everyone else :(

Thankfully, Akupara does archive its streams, and I doubt any of my stuff would show up anyway, since they only get to showcase, like, 1% (or maybe even less) of the art month drawings, and as much as I'm improving, I'm definitely not even close to the top 1% yet.

Also, again, apologies for the bits of silence, I'm often forgetting to post stuff, cus there's just too much stuff happening, and it's difficult to keep track of it all. I guess I should look through my stuff to see if I forgot anything good, but outside of that, I'll probably just put up everything in a Google Drive as proof that I actually did the darn challenge (even if I attempted some things that were a bit much for me to handle in such a short timeframe, but you know, we live and learn).

Oh, and what did I choose for my birthday gift? Why, the La Ilusion Renata Glasc skin from League, of course! I spammed the heck out of the Chem-Baroness when the Arena was around, and it sounded nice to have a new look for my girl for the next time when the mode rolls around :D

Fright Night is a cool choice too, but I prefer the 'evil mistress of nature' vibes, plus I wanna keep the mask!

That's it for my ramblings! I'm honestly very excited, but also tired as all hell, and I'm definitely taking a bit of a break from drawing once March is over. I might get back to it fairly soon, but that depends on a ton of factors I can't really predict. We'll just have to see what the creative part of my brain will desire during my somewhat sparse free alone time!

#fade rambes

[elinorwritesstuff]

So.. I don't know where to start. I would have sent my message to you through your personal account rather than this one, but I really wasn't able to send anonymous messages like this. And I'm only sending any of my anonymous messages because I'm a socially awkward person.

Hopefully you're fine with this.

And I'll just ask any and every question I can think of in one post, so I won't be spamming your account with multiple questions. If you have decided to reply. Not that you have to. If you see this message.

I have a lot of questions.

I'm attempting to try getting back into writing again after a long time because of personal reasons that I won't get into. And so I have quite a lot of questions I'm curious about, that maybe you might be able to help me with. If you want to. I'm not pressuring you into this if you are wanting to response... I don't know if that makes any sense to you.

So I want to get back into writing again. And I have so many ideas for my stories, maybe too many ideas for stories, that most of the times I never can decide which way my story should turn out when writing.

Are you always fickle about how the plot for your story should be?

Do you have confidence in your writing, or are you always doubting your writing?

How do you keep canon characters in characters while writing them?

And, for me, personally, I prefer reading and writing stories with female characters who are original characters and reader insert characters. Maybe self insert characters if I'm desperate to read about certain characters. But.. one of the thoughts that I've been kinda stuck on... Is that I believe original characters are the rarest type of characters. Not many people read or write these characters anymore. I know original characters are controversial within a lot of fandoms for one reason or another. What I wanted to ask is should I still continue writing about original characters for my stories? Because it feels like not many people care about original characters anymore. I know writing is for you, not other people. But a part of me feels like I would be wasting my time about writing any stories that a lot of people might not be interested in.

I'm asking so many questions all at once that I don't even know if I'm making any sense asking these questions.

Now I'm rambling too much.

Oh, wow, thank you so much for this! Yesterday I woke up and checked my phone and saw your ask and it made my day. Like I’m assuming you got here through some of my writing and thought it was good enough that you’d want to ask me for advice, and that’s a huge compliment. Don’t worry, I love talking about writing, and honestly I love talking about the writing process and my writing process, so I’ve probably written back more than you even wanted. I’m actually going to separate each question into its own post.

[scarlets-if]

Prologue

Now that I have more time to write, the prologue's word count is at over 15k. It's small compared to a lot of IFs but I'm still proud, especially since I haven't had much time to work on it since November. In a week or so, it's my goal to have enough done that I can let my twin play it and let me know what he thinks. Oh and also I feel pretty good about the UI! I might post some screenshots this week once I fill out both sidebars.

So far in the prologue, each route spends some time with their family who will hopefully remain relevant even as THE CANDIDATE ventures to the City Beneath. THE COURTESAN's entry into the City Beneath is pretty different from THE HEIR and THE PROPHET's. While THE HEIR and THE PROPHET both maybe have an optional side quest, THE COURTESAN gets to meet one of the romance options earlier on.

The City Beneath is the working title for where most of the IF will take place. It has runner ups like the Forgotten City, the Unseen City, and the Void Citadel. I chose it because today I found little notes on an abandoned WIP called The City Beneath full of ideas like "lunar warrior maidens" and "void prophets" and a "celestial inner court" which I might incorporate in Within Scarlet Chambers as long as it fits. The vibes are getting more astral and dreamy which makes sense given my tastes and duh Night Court lol.

Character Customization

For now, I'm planning to make gender customizable for a reason that's maybe too specific and will lead to a ramble if I explain it. There will be a female, nonbinary, and male option and probably pronouns will be selected separately. I'll see how this goes.

I'm growing used to second person so I'll just use that when giving more narrative-y answers to asks. There's currently more content planned for female Candidates but that's just because I planned for them longer. I imagine things will even out as time goes on. No matter what, there should be enough story to go around.

I don't know if I've mentioned this or not but there are 5 skill stats that are currently called rites, music, duels, ink, and game. I should probably explain what each means haha but I won't yet. These 5 skills are cumulative and raise over time but I'm considering including traits or feats which will be true/false (either you know them or you don't) types that can be picked up along the way. I'll see if it works. On top of these, there are 3 stats related to THE CANDIDATE's general reputation: renowned, dreaded, and adored.

Appearance ended up a bit expanded. It includes 7 eye color, 4 skin color, 4 hair color, 3 hair type, 4 or 5 (including bald) hair lengths, and 7 body type options. There are 5 overall aesthetics which will decide facial features like eye shape and general visual vibes. The aesthetics are one of the factors which decide the characters' starting impression of the MC.

Relationships

Instead of having more or less uniform starting points, the major characters will have approvals based on the reputation of the route you've chosen for your character and the impression given off by your character's aesthetic and maybe their disposition.

I'm torn between having three separate approval stats: one to measure antagonism and dissonance, another to measure friendship and rapport, and another to measure romance and desire. And having it be like, just a stat for rapport and a stat for romance and then give consistent options for "bickering married couple banter" and so on. They both have pros and cons so I'm not sure yet.

There's another feature that I was going to mention here but I don't want to say too much and think this has gone on long enough haha. I'm really excited about how this is going so far.

#update #interactive fiction #interactive novel #twine game #if wip #does this count as a devlog #fae politics murder #within scarlet chambers

[cinnamonbean]

So I recently read The Wasp's Nest by @demonslayedher, and as usual, began obsessing. I've been following the author here under my main blog for a while, and it's very easy to add onto or hyperfixate on their ideas. I genuinely can't find many blogs like theirs, but it's really cool; and I want to appreciate that.

Below the cut is going to be a simple collection of thoughts I had upon reading chapter one because,, oh my goodness; I have a lot?? For some reason? And I will probably never be able to use them myself.

Whether or not I make this a mini-series for every chapter or few chapters is. Up for debate. I have a lot going on in my personal life right now, so we'll see. This is just Mocha rambling about a cool fic instead of working on their own fics goodbye.

Please keep in mind I did not read chapter two.

Please read the following with only chapter one in mind. I had to force myself to avoid chapter two to ensure I would finish this post. And while I contemplating that art I wanted to post alongside the icons,, I concluded that would take too long. So. Later.

.

.

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• You probably can't see it through the ugly filters but I used the opposite color from Kobayashi-San's hairclip for Mita's eyes. Vice versa for Kobayashi-San's eyes too.

• I know it looks more like green flame but I was actually trying to use water lilies as the motif for Kobayashi-San's eyes! :) I couldn't think of anything cool for Mita's,, so I made it the same flower shape as Koyuki-San's in vain efforts of referencing it to those round-winged butterflies people make? ,,,

• I can't really use butterfly symbolism for the clips. I also improvised on the colors since I really deadass did not know what colors to use. 💀 I didn't use light blue for the border of Kobayashi-San's because they reminded me of the flowers on Makomo's mask,, and I had a Hashira au where she had those colors on her own hairclip,,, I don't mind changing it if it helps the accuracy of the fic! >:)

• Speaking of hair clips,, you gave me a really good headcanon idea for Kanae rereading one of your older posts, but I will probably post it on it's own as a separate post.

• I'm automatically taking everything Mita says with a grain of salt?? Like she seems nice, just. She runs her mouth too much. Is it to cope? Hmm. It'd be interesting to see if Ichijo-Senpai had a larger impact on everyone than we're made aware. Like. Is it really so black and white that Kanao began smiling because of Kanae and Shinobu? Maybe she's just so used to seeing people die because of those other students that she really doesn't think the people she made it past final selection with won't make much of a difference. (I'm salty they were the only five because of plot armor, but that's a story for another day.)

• Mainly because of my personal unrelated headcanons, but I really don't think of Ichijo-Sempai as mean? But if she is,, I can see her contributing to Mita's general moodiness. Bad influences amirite. But also the possibility of her being generally nice and having her parallel one if not both of Mita and Kobayashi-San as we read along makes me weak in the knees.

• I couldn't decide if I liked freckles or facial acne for Mita better, so I gave her both and gave her that emo pale skin. Assholes don't get to have pretty faces I don't make the rules 🙄 (/hj).

• Shinobu, because of your content of her and how she acted in the fic gives me vibes of a practical woman who doesn't care for detailed or pretty looking things. Or believes in doing things simply because you like them. Which makes that scene of her eating with Giyuu even funnier. Like. "You're smiling at your food? D i s g u s t i n g." (/j).

• I'm also. Very sorry. Like VERY SORRY. BECAUSE FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN'T DRAW BLACK HAIR IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME... Ya start with a color you think is close enough to black without being back. Then you add colored accents, put in shading. The lighting. And then, only when it's too late, you realize it. You've given them completely different hair colors. I swear I'm colorblind. (/sarc).

• I was also just too lazy to make the mouths. So they're pitch black and ugly. You're welcome :')

Here's the icons without filters! I originally wanted to make them edited with like gif thingy backgrounds?? BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW,, and I'm not waiting until chapter ten or worse is posted while I'm trying to figure this stuff out.

Before anyone asks, these are free to use, edit, etc. with credit. But really. I'm already cringing at several things in these icons. Really, where are Mita's ears even. Fjsnfjsjf.

Thank you for reading and have a good... whatever time it is where you are. 🚶‍♀️and ty for reading this if you read all the way through.

#The Wasps Nest #help how do i tag #mochaasart #Kimetsu No Yaiba #KNY #Koucho Shinobu #well mqntions of her anyways #Tsuyuri Kanao but also only mentions of her #Shinobu and Kanae's unnamed tsuguko #I don't know why i bothered using honorifics but i did #except Mita she doesn't deserve it #im kidding we love her #kind of #but if she called Kanao the r slur we will have problems #fun fact Mita was a bit too much too the left so i had to merge the layers and move her to the center #Ichijo looks like Tsutako with her braid pinned as a bun and i can't get that out of my head #Ive already been expanding on their ideas as headcanons and simping in discord but this is the thing that sets me off #bit weird but okay #Kobayashi's not overpowered btw dw about it #Shinobu's new/eventually dead kids are just dead inside and the good child with no inbetween #its beautiful

[aotopmha]

Attack on Titan in 2020

I've sort of dropped doing detailed chapter posts on the series because that type of writing wasn't very fun for me anymore and I have taken a liking to a bullet point kind of approach where I list the elements that stood out for me in the chapter or make a separate post for some specific topic I'd like to talk about in it.

I've started like 10 different posts to attempt to talk about AoT this year and I always end up with incoherent rambling because of all of the elements I'd love to to talk about.

This year's chapters were 125-135 and this year's episodes episodes 1-4 of season 4.

The anime episodes in particular have given me a lot of food for thought, so I'm just saying fuck it.

I think the biggest misstep of the story for me will forever be the fact that it decided to use fairly specific historical imagery.

The Eldians are clearly supposed to have allegorical equivalency with Jewish people, but the Jewish people were never the oppressors. There weren't any Jewish empires. That's conspiracy theory bullshit.

But on the other hand, the series clearly takes great effort to not stereotype any of the groups it's portraying and gives complex reasons for what both sides do. It's one of the few Japanese series that I've seen not stereotype Middle Eastern-coded people (Ramzi and Halil) or black people (Onyakapon). Everyone are people, it says. It even champions diversity:

(Chapter 118)

It is also very much true that a bunch of fascist states use long-term history as an excuse for their actions:

(Chapter 127)

Nation did X 2000 years ago therefore our conquest of them is justified.

This makes discussion about the series' themes like a minefield.

The people who are very critical about its imagery are right, but the people defending the series aren't wrong, either because it condemns all of those nasty ideas of conquest and hurting innocent people.

You can't have a more clear-cut condemnation of genocide:

(Chapter 127)

If you combine all of these details instead of zoning in on them one by one, to me what the story is saying is that *even if* all of that conspiracy bullshit is true, innocent people don't deserve to be slaughtered no matter the reason because they are still people who have their own feelings, thoughts and wishes.

The story clearly gets the baseline, but fumbles the details. I decided to look up some more discussion surrounding this these past few days and I just wish there was more good faith discussion about it. A lot of it feels like a moral superiority contest.

I think it's these kind of flawed stories that actually deserve detailed scruitiny over stories that are rotten to the core because they are *almost there*. Talking about them is a good topic starter in what to do and not to do in a story like this.

Speaking of rotten to the core, I think the absolute highlight of the chapters this year is Eren and some of the chapters this year finally gave me a pretty clear picture of what is going on with him.

Context from 123 certainly helps, though:

(Chapter 131)

This is about Eren's perspective. He can't accept the destruction of Paradis.

It's not that this solution was inevitable looking in from the outside (which is one of the interpretations I see around for Eren's actions), it's that *Eren* can't see any other way out of this except the most extreme because of all of the horrible things he has seen from the outside world. It is very similar to the way suicidal people can only focus on the negative.

You can tell them everything is going to be okay, but those words won't reach them because their mind won't let them and loops them back to those negative thoughts.

Eren can't see the ice cream or silly clowns. But he can see how the other Eldians in the league of Eldians are willing to push Paradis under the bus. He can see how Grisha's sister was killed. He can see how racist and cruel Marley is towards the Eldians in Liberio (and how the people have racist leanings towards other nations, too).

He can only see those bad things. But he also understands how everyone outside of the walls are human just as the people inside of the walls are.

So he is torn to pieces by guilt.

He doesn't want to do this, but he can't see any other solution.

This is why I also think he can't rob his friends of their agency. He is fighting for them to have a good future:

(Chapter 133)

(Chapter 131)

What really stood out to me on a revisit is that Eren considers himself much worse than Reiner.

I've seen criticism on how the story pushes the narrative of both sides being the same and this detail is really important to me because this is the story acknowledging that what Eren is doing is worse and gives all of the following exchanges about this the context of it being a similarity in principle.

Both sides have killed for what they think is right and have to deal with how they have killed people. This is such an important detail in the Uprising arc, too, where Erwin firmly acknowledged that overthrowing the government might not actually be the right choice by him. It was simply what he saw as right. On a narrative level this avoids absolute truths and preference of one character perspective over the other and once again makes it about individual perspectives.

The theme of individual perspectives is so ingrained in this story at this point in my eyes that it's another cornerstone in understanding what is going on with Eren to me.

I think it's great.

I also really appreciate Annie and what was done with her in this chunk of chapters.

(Chapter 127)

There has been this narrative going around that proposes that the story is in Eren's corner too much. But these chapters are nothing but questioning Eren and Annie is one of the main voices in this. It's the Marleyan girls, really and I think this is a very necessary part of making the narrative work. Once again, it separates the narrative and character perspective.

It says that the Paradis side caring is about character perspective, not what the narrative sides with and Annie is even sympathetic to Mikasa in that instance.

She gets it. Unexpectedly, I think Annie might play a bigger role in taking down Eren than expected. Her character arc about deciding to no longer go with the flow because she doesn't want any more tragedy to happen is basically calling for it.

(Chapter 128)

Another element I've seen brought up is the fact that nobody seems to address the Bert-sized elephant in the room, but some of our characters are certainly thinking about him.

This is such a thematically strong element and really interesting because Connie joined the military to make his mom proud and be a good soldier. This is the motivation behind his claim when he says they are going to save the world. But what does becoming a good soldier mean, exactly?

Well, apparently possibly gunning down people you care about.

This moment is so good because it's another moment where the idea of glory in war is taken down a peg.

The moment with Connie declaring they're going to save the world is so often criticised, but it is actually turned on its head in 128. There is no heroics in this. This is actually Connie's big "killing a person" moment because it strips away the final bit of comfort in killing in war, the excuse of killing for good moral reasons.

It is also a wonderful complex evolution of the series' themes. Trost was about fighting monsters. In the Female Titan and Clash of Titan arcs some of those monsters turned out to be human. In the Uprising, Return to Shiganshina and Marley arcs all of those monsters turned out to be human and here in the War of Paradis arc, everyone is human and the only separating system is what everyone views as right.

I really hope the anime will let this chapter breathe a little bit more.

Moving on, I guess it is time to address the rumbling.

I love it as a horror spectacle.

(Chapter 130)

And I really I think it needs to be non-CG when animated. CG is fine in spectacle battles, but not in horror settings because it is too clean.

The rumbling needs to be disgusting and dirty.

Chapter 132 gave me one of the few moments in which I truly cared about Levi. I think him telling Hange to dedicate her heart was a very good moment to cap off their relationship. He sent another SL commander to fulfill their duty.

The speech about hatred in chapter 134 also stood out to me. I think it definitely should be fitted in there somewhere in this, but I also see a bunch of criticism for it.

I want to point out that this is the side of present Marley talking here. It's the military dictatorship.

It's the Nazis. I think the Nazis should feel regret for exploiting innocent people and admit they're wrong.

I also like how the horrors here are undoing the brainwashing and showing the truth to the citizens.

I guess you could read it as heavy-handed, but it is also something that needs to be addressed and in principle, it's not wrong.

I'm also going to put a mention of Historia here. I've talked about how this is my biggest and most glaring problem with the series because of how thematically unfitting it feels, but I've also talked about it in many posts. I wanted to focus more on other stuff in this post.

So now, we make it back to chapter 135.

I think having stewed on it for a month now, I like the element of mindscrewing our cast with the Titans of the people they love is the strongest element of it. It's making them face their personal traumas and we also get some great character moments and payoffs from it.

Mikasa ended off the year in a very good note in my eyes.

Even this deep in the story, this chapter left me in a situation where I have no idea how things might turn out.

I might have rough ideas, but not anything specific and that's fun.

Well, this is it on my retrospective.

2021 is confirmed to be AoT's final year of publication as volume 34 is set to be the story's final volume.

Those who hate the story can finally be free of it and those who care for it, can look back on it with fondness and sadness and many other emotions and evaluate.

It's been 7 years for me. What a wild ride.

So, I'm asking everyone, what are some of your observations on AoT in 2020?

Is there anything you'd like to add or do you have any observations or counterarguments for anything I've said?

I'd be curious to see what everyone else thought of AoT in 2020!

#Attack on Titan #Shingeki no Kyojin #Eren #Eren Jaeger #Eren Yeager #Annie #Annie Leonhardt #Connie #Connie Springer #Hange #Hange Zoe #Historia #Historia Reiss #Mikasa #Mikasa Ackerman

[ask-bluesman]

Outfits, ep. 1

I'm not sure if I mentioned it on this blog, but I've been wanting to rework my sailors' outfits and colour schemes for a long while. Ever since I introduced new characters to the crew, I thought that my main trio looked too monochromatic and blue. Believe it or not, blue isn't even my favourite colour! I like it, but turquoise, green & brown are above blue on my list. Besides that, I've mostly switched from digital to traditional art and I'd like to settle on colours that I already own; preferably ready-made mixes, so I won't have to make them from scratch every time.

Well! Boatswain was in dire need of a change and I decided to start with him. His clothes irked me the most because they looked too modern for his times and too clean/neat for a scruffy old grump. Here's a rather disproportionate bos that I doodled about two weeks ago:

I proceeded to sketch other concepts, but eventually came to a conclusion that the first one was, in fact, the best! I tweaked it a bit and drew it several times just to make sure that I'm comfortable with it. Here are some other sketches of it:

Both the bandana & the striped shirt are here to stay because I like them, though I might change their colours. Of course nothing's set in stone yet, but I dig this outfit so far - I think it captures boatswain's character quite well! As for the colours, I gotta bring all of the watercolour palettes I left at my old home before I attempt anything major. I'd like to throw some brown and scarlet in there, but I'm not sure if that's going to work out. Perhaps I'll reserve the warmest colours for captain? Just thinkin' out loud!

I'll be posting updates along the way. Cappin and admiral won't require much work since I'm mostly happy with how their outfits look, it's just the matter of finding the right colours. Once everything's done, I'm going to set up a separate palette with all the necessary paints.

Thank you for reading my ramblings!

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Oh snap!! And don't worry about these asks waiting in my inbox - I remember about them and I'll probably answer them soon. My life has finally slowed down to a point where I can draw, paint and be active online. Feel free to send me more questions if you happen to have any :)

#boatswain #update