#but also don't complain if its too long i'm not forcing you to read it

[windwardstar]

that one t post

Since there's some of y'all who showed interested, here's the big rundown of my experiences with T. This covers being on T for 3 month at 26, stopping it for a few years, then the first 9 months of being on T at 28. Contains the changes that have happened while I’ve been on T + the interactions with my other health conditions + the process of accessing care. It’s safe for work/reading in public as far as any puberty/medical body talk is. Word count is ~8k.

T round 1 (2019 - I was 26)

If you followed me back in 2019, you might recall me getting on T at the end of that year.

I didn’t have a PCP and was in a very conservative state which made me concerned about finding a trans friendly provider, so I decided to go through Planned Parenthood knowing it was informed consent. The PP that had a gender clinic and was open on my day off was on the other side of the state/2 hour drive one way. But also, when I went to book an appointment they had one for the same week/the next day so I didn’t have to wait. I had insurance through my work that partially covered the visit, the lab work, and the prescriptions. This was out of network for my insurance so I paid more than if it was in network. My local pharmacy was the Sam’s Club which has $4 prescriptions for members- which is what I ended up paying as it was significantly cheaper than my insurance co-pay. (I did not get a prescription for a sharps container and bought one from the local store.) I got my supplies in 3 month batches and didn’t have any issues with the pharmacy.

At the appointment, I was given a big packet of “side effects” (aka the desired results) it included a handy chart of when certain changes would likely happen. My provider went over it with me to make sure I knew what to expect, and asked me a couple questions about my gender identity and transition goals to get a feel for me and make sure this was what I wanted. I was completely out at work and socially. I had very recently moved out of an abusive homelife and was catching my feet mental health wise, but I was in therapy at the time and on medications that had been as a consistent dose for about a year (aka: mental health problems were well controlled), so the doctor was comfortable prescribing me T. We decided to try weekly injections first to limit potential high/lows on a longer dose cycle.

The Labs for this provider were Initial Labs, 3 Months, 6 Months, Then Yearly. My 3 Month Labs hit right at the start of Covid Lockdown, I wasn’t able to get in for them (perpetually overlapping quarantines at work yo), the shift to telehealth hadn’t happened, and then I ran out of my psych meds (antidepressant and an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) so my executive functioning skills went bye-bye for a while. So I couldn’t get my prescription renewed and had to stop T after like 3 months. 

I took Testosterone Cypionate (0.25 ML, 0.50 MG) by Intramuscular (IM) Injections in my thigh once a week. The syringes had a twist on/off for the needles themselves (bigger one for the drawing up, smaller for the injection). They hurt a lot for me. I’d get a bruise around the injection site and the muscle would be very sore for 2-3 days after and hurt when I walked or used the muscle. It wasn’t enough to make me want to stop, but it wasn’t pleasant.

(Because of the long drive, the doctor didn’t have me come back for the first shot, just confirmed I was comfortable administering it myself and knew the process. She said if I ran into problems there were youtube videos I could look at or I could call.)

I did have issues with my needle phobia, but before getting to the part of actually seeking out access to T, I’d done a lot of work to manage it. The few years prior to starting T, I’d had to get a lot of blood drawn for lab work, several IVs, and quite a few vaccines which had helped me calm down so I was no longer having panic attacks around needles. The biggest thing that helped though was mental work and visualization. I started out just contemplating the concept of T injections in the abstract, then read posts with people talking about injections, looked at visuals of needles/syringes and people administering them. The last step was then thinking about giving myself injections and visualizing it. The whole time I tried to associate it with all the positive things I’d hoped to get from T and reminding myself the injections/ivs/blood draws of the previous years had all been perfectly fine and my anxiety was not reflecting what actually happened. (I also got a tattoo a month or so before I started T and after the initial anxiety I was mostly just fascinated by watching the tattoo gun, which was what really made me think I could do the T injections.) It took a long time to get to that point. When I started, I was only able to think about needles for a few seconds at a time. But I was able to give myself my first T shot with only a little anxiety (my hands shook a lot). And with each successful injection, the anxiety went down.

The Changes on T (1-3 Months):

Increased body hair. I noticed the hair on my thighs thickening and darkening around the injection sites, but not really much else. The peach fuzz on my face increased and I got a few dark hairs but there wasn’t really anything to shave. I think I shaved my face once because I wanted to not because there was anything to really shave…

Voice Changes: I sang quite a bit so I noticed that my lower register got fuller and the lowest end of my range got easier to access, but other than that there weren’t any vocal changes that I noticed. I didn’t get any voice breaking or cracking.

Bottom Growth: Yeah, there was some of that. Enough I noticed. Things also got very very sensitive and painful. OTC pain meds and ice packs helped. Loose clothes. Also manspreading. 

Periods: They got lighter and less painful almost immediately, and I skipped one 3 months in. Then I ran out of T and got my period back the next month.

Acne:  I didn’t get acne until the 3 month mark or so, but that also coincided with the start of wearing masks. It got really painful so I started using the OTC acne cream I used in high school, and it cleared up to something manageable once I was off T. (My teenage acne hit HARD at 13 and didn’t clear up until I was 24.)

Nightmares: The first month I started getting a significant increase in nightmares/remembering them upon waking up. This may have been because I had just moved into my own place and escaped an abusive environment, but my therapist at the time mentioned that nightmares were a common thing for people starting T (it is a big hormone change so y’know).

Other Changes: there may have been some, but it’s been a few years so I don’t really remember.

T round 2: 9 Months (2022 started at 28)

The goal was always to get back on T. It just took a while. Cross country move (liberal state now yo), new job, getting new insurance. Once I did, I had to figure out where to get T again. The planned parenthoods were all booked months out and none open for gender clinic stuff on my days off. 

I went through my doctor’s office, found out they have a special gender health program for trans people and transferred care to them. I had to wait like a month to get an appointment, but it means my PCP/GP is versed in trans care and does all my hormones. The experience is fantastic. The whole office used my chosen name and pronouns before they got legally changed and had the ability to change the display name on my chart so everyone would use the correct one.

The initial visit was via phone. It was a lot of the same causal “tell me about yourself and your transition goals” as the last time. We skipped a lot of the “this is what t will do” since I already knew it, and folded it in with talking about my experience being on T previously, what I liked, what I hoped for, what I found difficult, etc. I was off the psych medications I had been on the last time, but since I’d been off for two-ish years and was stable, I was ok to restart T. We started me off on the same dose and frequency I had been on previously, but because the IM had been painful, we switched to SubQ.

I didn’t need any initial lab work done, but I’ve done them every 3 months after starting. I had to go in person to pick up my prescription (which I did the next morning after my initial telehealth visit, the pharmacist called the insurance to get the authorization & everyone there was super great) and meet with the nurse to administer my first shot. The doctor poked her head in to say hi in person.

My insurance covers the visits, lab work, and prescriptions. I did have to get prior authorization and have a letter from the insurance company stating my T prescription is approved for a year. I got a prescription for a sharps container this time since the stores did not have any on the shelves. (The pharmacy was out of the small ones too, so I ended up with the big gallon size. It takes up a ton of space under the sink, but it should last me several more years before I have to dispose of it.) My needles also just have a smooth pop on/off to attach to the syringe.

For the first six months, the depo was a 0.25ML/0.50 MG SubQ injection once a week. Because there were certain changes I wasn’t seeing, at 6 months my dose was increased to 0.40ML/0.80MG SubQ once a week.

The SubQ injections basically don’t hurt after I’ve injected them. A couple times I injected them too quickly (just sticking the needle in and pressing down on the plunger too hard and forcing the liquid in, then pulling the needle out immediately) and those are when I’ve noticed redness, swelling, and soreness around the injection site. So my process for minimal pain and bleeding: wait until I’ve got cool skin (not right after a shower), inject slowly, count to 10 before pulling out the needle. Warming up the vial in my hands so the T isn’t cold and making sure everything is dry from the alcohol swabs before injecting also helps with the initial injection pain.

The anxiety around needles has basically all disappeared so I have no issue giving myself injections.

(I have a problem with my T vials crystallizing. I’ve found they take ages to dissolve, so I stick them in a pocket/waistband to keep them warm against my skin for an hour or so as I go about my morning, shaking it every now and then to see how it’s doing. I do my shot on my day off when I generally have time to do that. This time it’s Fridays. Last time it was Wednesdays.)

I started T (again) in April 2022 at 28

(Idk how the math works on these changes when you start/stop/restart on T. I wasn’t able to find anything. Probably because there’s not enough data on it. Given the length of the break, the T levels in my system had definitely reset, and I hadn’t been on T very long previously. Some of my changes went faster than the expected timeline, some slower, some about the same. So know there’s a parenthetical +3 months to all of this.)

Voice Changes: I noticed a continuation of the pattern from the last time. My lower register got much fuller and easier. My upper range started getting harder to reach. Nothing cracking or breaking, but there were some notes I was struggling to reach by the time the choir concert rolled around in mid-May. I started off bordering soprano/alto and was clinging to the alto range before we broke for summer (1-2 months)

I caught COVID from work over Memorial day (~2 months in) and my voice cracked a bit. I went into COVID being able to talk, was sick for a week, and then when the Covid cleared my voice was fried. I sounded terrible talking. Singing wise, my lower range had extended and my upper had come down, but I was still easily able to slip into my head voice.

Started Summer Choir at the end of June. I spent the first few weeks feeling like the songs were a little low for my range. Then things shifted again (~3months) and my singing range shrank to about 3 notes, I could not reliably open my mouth and make a sound, my breath control disappeared. I had one volume I could sing in, no going louder or softer or the sound would disappear. I sounded like a squeaky clarinet. (I did a very good seagull impression.) It was terrible and I loved every minute of it because it was so euphoric. I didn’t sound like a girl. I was firmly in the Tenor range. I was experiencing the puberty I’d always wanted to. (It was hard to tell with the first drop since it happened while I had COVID, but the second time my voice really cracked, I also had a really dry and sore throat.)

Enter August (~4 Months) my range was starting to re-expand. The low notes/chest voice coming back first. I was also figuring out how to make noise with the new instrument, because speaking and singing is all muscle memory. Which meant everything I knew previously was basically irrelevant at best and counter productive at worst. My brain would know how to produce a note on my pre-t vocal chords, so it would try to do what it had done before and either a) nothing would come out because my vocal chords are no longer capable of producing those notes or b) it would come out but be much lower. (I’m still working on retraining this 9 months in. My mental voice and physical voice do not match. I still think I sound like my pre-t self. Like, the thinking voice in my head sounds like my pre-T voice, it hasn’t dropped yet. Which makes singing difficult because I don’t know intuitively how I sound now. I have to adjust once I start making noise.) I was able to make my way through the concert at the end of August, but there were things too high for me since I wasn’t able to access that part of my range yet.

September/October/November/December (month 5-8) my singing range continued to expand and stabilize, the lower notes got much easier, volume control came back, my breath control returned with practice, and some access to my head range. My voice fatigues easily, but that’s getting better too. The vocal fry/clarity of my voice is getting better as well. I had to stop multiple times per rehearsal over the summer, but by December I was able to make it almost the whole rehearsal before reaching my limit. I do not have a smooth transition between notes and get stuck in low gear so to speak. Pre-t my favorite things to sing were songs where I jumped around my entire range. I miss that flexibility, but there are new things to enjoy singing now. I’m also only 9 (+3) months in, and my voice is going to continue to develop. My goals right now are just to continue exploring my singing voice as things change, and to try and get my brain to match what the new pipes can do. 

(January 1st, Month 9 (aka today while I was waiting to do a final round of edits on this post) I had a moment where things finally clicked into place for my singing voice. I was singing while doing the laundry, and I was just able to actually sing without feeling any strain. It felt easy and natural coming out. I had to focus on what I was singing to a degree, but not to the exclusion of doing other activities. The sound didn’t crack or disappear on me, and I didn’t run out of breath mid phrase. I was able to actually sing. It was also a moment where I was able to hear my voice and think “this is what I sound like, this is my voice” as opposed to the transitory state it’s existed in since I first started noticing changes. It’s also just a sense of feeling completed and right. I cried, and there was joy, but the predominant emotion was just feeling that things had finally aligned into where they were meant to be and an overwhelming settling peace.)

My biggest thing right now is just how much more air it takes to make sound, speaking or singing. My laugh has turned from a giggle to just blowing air out through my teeth or a bunch of kekekekeke where the sound is from my tongue stopping the air rather than my vocal chords making noise. Singing, I am having to breathe much more frequently than before. Speaking, I sometimes don’t do enough air and sound doesn’t come out. I go nonverbal A LOT more than before because the physical act of speaking has become harder. That initial start up to making noise is sometimes more than my brain can figure out in the moment.

My speaking voice has also changed a lot. The pitch has dropped, it’s gotten much rougher, but I tend to speak in a very femme manner. People have definitely noticed it’s dropped, but it sounds more “cold/laryngitis” than “guy.” People have definitely started reacting differently when they hear me speak over the phone, but I’ve yet to get any comments and it’s not been enough to keep strangers from misgendering me. I have the ability to sound like a guy, there are times when I am relaxed and can hear it come out. The bulk of how my speaking voice sounds is from how I’m using it. I sound like a girl to others because of all those aspects of speech that have nothing to do with how high or low it is. (Aka sounding like a guy at this point for me is about technique not physical ability. This is where speech therapists would be useful.) My dysphoria over my voice has essentially disappeared. I love my voice now, and I’m filled with so much excitement over seeing what else unfolds with it as I get used to it and how to use it. 

Acne/Skin Stuff: First off, Puberty 1.0 gave me terrible acne. It set in at like 13. Regardless of what I did as a teenager, I was unable to really control it. I had products but they didn’t really work and my mother wouldn’t get me to a dr for it. My skin was dry and oily. It would crack and peel and bleed and had reactions to every product I put on it. It got better in my twenties and was mostly gone by the time I was 24. It came back when I started T the first time + Covid Masking at 26. But by that point I’d found an acne cream + lotion combination of products that kept things almost clear.

I expected to have acne bad again on T because that’s just what my body does with hormones. By the end of the first month the acne was back. It progressed to being painful cystic acne by 3 months. I told my doctor and got a prescription cream. I’m meant to use it twice a day, I did at first, but it made my skin too dry, so I use it mostly once a day (generally after I’ve showered). I use it + a plain lotion for moisturizing/keeping things from getting too dry. I still have pretty bad acne, my face is red and skin is perpetually breaking out. But it’s not painful, and that’s my biggest goal with controlling acne. Especially because I react very strongly to products on my skin.

My acne still gets worse around my periods, so I know a lot of it is hormonal stuff going on. There’s some slight increase in body acne, but nothing that I even have to put cream on as it’s not painful and goes away on its own. The acne usually appeared in spots where hair was growing in for like a week or so while the hair started growing in thicker/darker.

The rest of my skin also got super oily. And I got super sweaty. And smelled funky for a little while. Previously I showered and washed my hair every other day because that was the balance of keeping my scalp happy. My skin also couldn’t handle more than that as it would get too dry and crack even with lotion. 1-2 months in, I was showering every day, over the summer (~3-6 months) I was showering once in the morning and once at night (mostly because sweat, but also smell) and washing my hair every day. I did not really experience any dry skin. Somewhere around the 7 month mark, that all decreased. 9 months in, I’m showering every day (with an extra shower if I get gross) and still have no problems with dry skin on my body.

The T has affected my scalp*. I started reacting to the shampoo I’d been using for years about a month or so into starting T. I switched to a different shampoo that worked for the most part, but then started causing problems about 7-8 months in. I’m currently trying a new shampoo + washing every other day or so, and hoping it works. This is getting brought up at my next appointment either for medicated shampoo or a referral to the derm if the current shampoo doesn’t work. *I don’t know if it’s causing a reaction to the products, or if there’s some interplay of the increased oils + increased sweat + my hair being wet for longer + more washings causing more dryness and more irritation + the hair dryer causing more irritation. All I know is my scalp is hurting and I am trying to figure out why + what I can do to make it stop.

Aka: I had terrible acne during puberty 1.0. Puberty T.0 is running about the same in terms of getting acne, but I’m able to manage it so much better because I’ve a) found a lotion I can apply to my face to help with the dryness and b) got a doctor to prescribe acne cream that actually helps. I’m having worse scalp problems now though, but working to manage them.

Facial Hair/Body Hair/Head Hair:

I started getting dark hairs on my chin first. It was within the first 3 months. It also coincided with the acne. Because my skin is so sensitive and the acne was so bad, I decided to use an electric razor since it doesn’t cut as close and tends to result in fewer nicks and cuts and ingrown hairs. I would not have been able to use a razor without cutting myself at the start. I also tend to react to shaving cream so the electric razor allowed me to not have to figure that aspect out too. I started off every few days, then every other day. Somewhere around 6 months I started needing to shave every day to keep the stubble away. If I have a few days off in a row I’ll skip the shaving so I can see what it looks like, but I shave clean if I have to work.

I’m not really sure when the body hair started growing. I noticed the leg hair on my thighs started growing in a little thicker and there was a bit more hair on my belly 4-5 months in (mostly because the bandaids from my shots started hurting when I pulled them off lol.) At 9 months I’ve noticed the hair on my arms and thighs has gotten darker and a little thicker, and my belly has gotten a lot more dark and thick hair, and there’s some chest hair appearing. I want to say somewhere around 6-7 months, I really started noticing the body hair and getting euphoric and happy about getting fuzzy. (Idk about lower leg hair since I frequently shave it due to wearing compression socks and finding them sensory hell and painful with leg hair.)

(Also got more hair on the butt and the butt crack, which was making getting clean after pooping during colitis flares difficult. Solution I’ve found is shaving/trimming that area (you know how it works with long-haired cats and dogs?) and using wet wipes if needed.)

One thing I did notice for both my facial hair and body hair, is that my skin would get mildly itchy the week or so before I started noticing more hair growing, and would continue for that first week or so + there tended to be some ingrown hairs during that stage. It was rather similar in feeling to what my underarms or legs feel like when I shave them and the hair starts to regrow. The itchiness is pretty mild for me so I didn’t really do anything about it.

The spot I inject the T got darker thicker hair first. And by spots I mean like the circle immediately around the injection sites was noticeably darker and hairier than the surrounding body part. It’s evened out on my thighs since my SubQ are in my belly, and the belly is starting to even out 9 months in.

Head hair. It’s started thinning up top right around my part, and on the sides of my temple. Really only noticed it starting at the 8 month mark. I’m currently in the process of trying to figure out if this is related to the scalp issues (since they can cause hair loss) and reversible, or the permanent slow march of time kind of balding. I really like having long hair. It’s fun. I haven’t cut my hair (which would improve my chances of passing as a guy or at least not getting consistently gendered as a girl) because I like my hair. I want to keep it. 

I know finasteride and minoxidil are both things that can be used to treat it. I’m hesitant to use finasteride since it blocks DHT and I want the effects of that more than I want to keep my long hair. I’m worried about minoxidil exacerbating my scalp problems and causing more hair loss. 

I’m contacting family to find out more information about family history of hair loss (including the ones where there were auto-immune skin conditions that caused it) and will talk with the doctors to figure out what the best option for me is.

I was a lot more anxious about the potential balding when I first noticed, but after a couple months to process it I’m not as alarmed as I was. If I do go bald though, I like the idea of getting tattoos. It’s also something that hopefully will be slow enough that I’m not gonna lose everything right away and can still enjoy having long hair for a while. But also you know the meme, if you can’t produce your own, store bought is fine. Wigs do exist.

Muscles, Fat, and the whole Musculoskeletal Shit

My timeline on this is a little blurry. Mostly because I’ve always built muscle easily and been rather buff just through having jobs that require some level of physical labor. I’ve also got hypermobile joints + low back pain from falling down stairs in 2019 + chest, rib, & shoulder pain from binder (haven’t been able to bind since pre-pandemic) and bra. So my focus on/awareness of physical ability was less on ease of strength and more on whether or not I had pain that made breathing/movement difficult. I’m going to guess it was easier to build muscle fairly early since I did notice some other changes that would track with things being affected.

So first thing I noticed was that my hips weren’t as prone to slipping out of place as usual and the days where they were painful decreased as well as the level of pain. It got to a point where I basically wasn’t having hip pain except around my period (pre-T the pain would get worse around my period, this is a continuation of the existing pattern). I’m not sure if I noticed this by 3 months, but I did by 6 Months. My guess is that the T strengthened the connective tissues and helped build muscle to hold everything in place. When I did a lot of walking and fatigued my leg muscles, the hip pain would get worse pre-T, but now I don’t really notice that at all 9 months in. If I get sore after movement, it doesn’t knock me out for several days. I still have to be careful about how I’m sitting and sleeping as the joints can still get knocked out of place that way. But also, the threshold for pain happening is much higher and I have fewer days of it. I’ve also only had to use my cane a handful of times since starting T.

My rib/chest pain got less severe at some point… I know I’m able to tolerate wearing my bra all day without feeling pain most of the time. That shift happened some time over the summer. So 3-6 months. (This was because my body finally managed to heal from the injuries from binding and the stress injury from using the deli slicer 2-4 hours a day at work in 2018.)

My back pain has kind of been figuring out what makes it worse and better. It’s gotten better overall over the past 9 months, but idk how much I can attribute that to T and how much is just figuring out what makes it worse and not doing that. 

I’ve also noticed a significant decrease in flexibility. To the point I can stretch muscles I’ve never been able to stretch before. I can stretch my muscles without hyperextending joints. I started to resume a lot of the stretching I stopped in 2018 because whatever support my joints now have is enough that I don’t risk being too bendy to hold them all in place. My hands basically don’t dislocate/sublux any more, and the pain in them is gone. My grip strength has never been better. I can open water bottles without fucking up my fingers. (Aka T has definitely helped with the hEDS.)

My skin has also gotten thicker and less prone to getting cuts. If you follow me, you probably saw the post I made about the changes on that, but basically, my skin is tougher. It doesn’t get cut up as easily and I don’t bleed as easily. My mouth doesn’t get cut up as much by rough foods like toast and cereal and brushing and flossing doesn’t cause bleeding and tearing (no gum health issues this is just hEDS stuff, although I also notice the sensitivity of my gums fluctuate with my period), I don’t get papercuts as easily, sewing is a lot less bloody. This has made it slightly harder to put the needle through my skin for the T injections, it used to go in completely painlessly but somewhere around 6 months it started pinching a bit.

I also have a little adam’s apple now! Which I wasn’t expecting since I’m nearly 30 and I figured things wouldn’t shift too much. I started noticing it grow 3 months in or so when I would touch my throat and it slowly got just a bit bigger. 9 months in there’s something visible in my throat when I talk or swallow, just a tiny visible bump but it’s more than it was before! It also tends to sit REALLY high in my throat, which I know is also part of the problem I have with my voice being high and strained. I have a couple vocal exercises that lower it and my voice and reduce strain. But also this was one of the things I wanted but was realistically not expecting to get so !!!

As far as muscle and fat (re)distribution and such, I noticed somewhere around 4-5 months that when I looked in the mirror after showering so a) i didn’t have my glasses on and things were hella blurry and b) the mirror was somewhat fogged, I had a more masculine look. When my hair covered my chest (it was waist length at that point) there was just enough shifting of things to look masc. (My boobs have gotten somewhat flatter/deflated. Around my period I definitely get a feeling that they’ve gotten bigger/swelled back up.) 

Body wise, my shoulders have always been broad, and the ratio of tiny waist to huge hips has always been a source of dysphoria for me. There’s nothing T is gonna do about the underlying bones, but I have noticed my hips and thighs slimming down somewhat / my waist filling out. It’s changed my silhouette away from the hourglass and into something more masculine. It’s helped greatly with my dysphoria when I see myself in the above sink/counter level mirrors. (Full body mirrors/reflections are still hello dysphoria hips.) 

My shoulders also got slightly broader, my neck thicker, and my feet got slightly larger. I know for sure around 5-6 months, as I pulled out my long-sleeves for winter and the ones that had been tight and with no stretch the previous year were too tight to wear comfortably. I also pulled out my performance clothes which I hadn’t worn since month 2 on T, and had to let out the collar on my bowtie by a solid inch and get new shoes as the previous ones were too tight (again I’m almost 30, my feet bones didn’t grow but I did have to go up a shoe size).  I had thought around 4-5 months that my neck was getting thicker since it didn’t look quite as stick-like. Around that time my face also started looking a little swollen around the jawline. It may have been puffiness or just things shifting around. I’m faceblind so I don’t know if my face has changed, just around that time looking at my face made me think the jaws looked a bit like my sister’s did a week after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Whatever puffiness I saw then, I don’t notice now though.

Idk if I’ve gained or lost weight since I don’t own a scale and don’t actually pay attention to that because it’s not actually important. Shrug emoji. 

Periods & Bottom Growth:

If you’ve read this far you’ve probably guessed my periods didn’t stop early this time. As I stated, the first attempt at T, they stopped three months in. My third period came two weeks early this time when I caught COVID. We increased my dose at 6 months because my periods hadn’t stopped. My 8th period happened a week late. This month for the 9th I’ve gotten some light cramping and joint pain (but another week or two will tell if it’s stopped).

I did notice by 6 months the pain/cramping and other things associated with my period were less. (The flow decreased somewhat and the cramps were less severe. I was able to still walk and function with the OTC pain meds, and I had to take fewer for a shorter time frame to get relief. My blood pressure didn’t tank as drastically, so I wasn’t at risk of passing out every time I stood up on the first few days of my cycle each month. I didn’t get chills and shaking. I still get increased acne, bloated, migraines, and my joints all get loose and painful.)

(Outside of my period, my POTS has also drastically improved. Around 7-8 months, all I really started to notice is the tachycardia. The blood pressure problems aren’t forcing me to sit down to avoid passing out, my low blood pressure migraines have mostly disappeared, and my heat intolerance has drastically decreased. The heatwave in 2018 is what ended up with me in the hospital. I made it through the heatwave this year without too much difficulty. I still get migraines when I get too hot, and get weak and exhausted, but I recover within a day rather than a week. My migraines have tons of triggers, but overall I’ve gotten fewer of them since starting T. The only trigger that’s increased in causing them is my low blood sugar.)

Bottom growth has happened!!! I was ambivalent to slightly apprehensive about this part prior to starting the last time, but discovered pretty quickly I was actually really on board with it. For a while this time I was worried starting/stopping/restarting T meant I wasn’t getting any this time around. But the past month or so (month 9) has given me indications it was just taking a while to happen (like my periods not stopping 3 months as previously). This time, I haven’t experienced much in the way of pain + too much sensitivity, but the sensitivity has really increased in the past couple weeks so that may start again as well.

Appetite & blood sugar :

The increased appetite has probably been my biggest most noticeable thing in my day to day life and the only thing that has actually caused me distress (as opposed to annoyance and irritation with the acne). I noticed pretty quickly an increase in my appetite. This brought back problems with my blood sugar just crashing (and tanking my blood pressure with it) that I’d had while growing up. I would also wake up hungry in the middle of the night. 3 Months in it was the biggest change I noticed. 

6 months in I was up to eating every two hours, waking up twice at night, and if I skipped one my body would get ravenously hungry and would have headache and shaking. But I was also getting more used to the routine so I got better about keeping food on me and my blood sugar didn’t crash as often/as severely. My grocery budget effectively doubled so that was yikes to my bank account. I also couldn’t get full or stay full. I was constantly hungry. Since I had a history of food insecurity as a kid, the constant feeling of hunger was distressing and started making my anxiety and ptsd get worse. 

(There is a link between testosterone levels and blood sugar. Most of the data is on cis men. But the little information packet that comes in the box of my testosterone vial includes: In diabetic patients, the metabolic effects of androgens may decrease blood glucose and therefore, insulin requirements. Presumably, the doctors know to monitor this with diabetic patients and to mention it to them. But also, a reminder to read all the paperwork you’re given because neither of my prescribers mentioned this aspect to me, even when I mentioned having problems with my blood sugar dropping.)

9 months in, my appetite has decreased to pre-T levels which also coincided with getting heart burn/acid reflux for a solid week and a half. I’d never had a problem with that before, but I was also eating/drinking and then immediately laying down (aka eating right before bed and a midnight snack) for like six solid months, which is a big clue to the cause. The biggest surprise there is that it took six months to become a problem. I’ve been mindful of staying upright after eating and after a few days the problem went away.

Dysphoria, Mental Health, Mood and Energy;

T has been fucking amazing. Like. It’s fantastic and I’m thriving and have never felt so stable and capable of handling life. I can’t attribute everything to T because I’ve done a lot of work on my own mental health and my living situation improving (moving away from abusive family, getting engaged with friends and community, fulfilling job) but its positive impact on my mental health and general mood is undeniable.

My dysphoria is so much less than it was before. I love my voice now, I am starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my body. There’re still a bunch of things that are dysphoria inducing that will take more time or surgery (top, hysto, bottom) to change and relieve, (and when I am reminded about the dysphoria inducing things like boobs and people misgendering me as a girl, it feels terrible and I want to crawl out of my skin). But the entire experience of being on T has been a daily blessing of euphoria as everything happens. 

I used to joke that you knew trans people were really trans because who else would willingly go through puberty a second time. Puberty 1.0 had been soul destroying terrible. I hadn’t had a single positive experience from it. Everything about puberty 1.0 had made me hate my body more and the changes just kept getting worse. I couldn’t imagine anyone willingly going through that a second time. Somehow despite knowing I wanted all the changes T would cause, my brain didn’t make the connection that I’d like the process aka puberty 2.0. I’d figured I’d suffer through puberty again and in the end I’d have a body I liked and was comfortable in, so it’d be worth all the suffering of puberty.

I was terribly wonderfully wrong. The first time I was on T, I didn’t really notice a ton of changes, but even the small ones I did I liked. It wasn’t terrible. And then, I was off T and the strength of my desire to get back on T and go through those changes was a physical ache. The past 9 months have been full of joy and excitement. Every little change I’ve noticed has made me happy and been something I loved to find. (Barring the acne, and hunger, and potential hair loss.)

Puberty 2.0 is so powerfully positive for me. I love it, and it’s letting me love my body.

My mood is a lot more stable than it was. With my dysphoria lessened, I’m not constantly feeling shitty about that which overall helped my mood. I’m not as depressed (and when I am, it’s so much more mild than before). My mood tends to be either in a stable state or hypo/manic. But there’s no irritability or violence or any of those fear mongering things. T didn’t suddenly change me into the TERF and bio essentialist’s boogey man. T doesn’t change your personality. If you have anger issues on T, you likely had them before. (Also I really want to stress this because I saw warnings about T and bipolar disorder for years: T did not make me irritable or angry or violent. It hasn’t changed the profile of my mood disorder to include symptoms that were never present.)

(As for crying. I don’t cry out of frustration or anxiety as much--which is likely because my mental health has improved and I’m not pushed into those strong negative emotions as often. But I tear up just as easily when I see heartwarming news stories or videos of puppies or see something heartbreaking on the news. I haven’t been cut off from health emotion, or healthy crying.)

Energy wise, I have so much more energy than I did before. I’ve managed to wake up easily all winter rather than take an hour to drag myself out of bed every day. I can work a 12 hour shift, and/or not take a nap and be fine with 8 hours of sleep (or less) at night. I can run around and do things on my days off. I have enough energy to function. I don’t have to have an entire day off just to sleep (although I still enjoy a good afternoon nap and sleeping in). 

I don’t notice my energy level fluctuating with my shot (I do weekly injections to avoid my levels fluctuating and causing other things to do so as well), but I did notice my energy levels increased within the first month. But! There’s also a lot of other things going on that are affecting my improved energy levels. Some of this might be because I actually started taking a vitamin d supplement (and I definitely notice less energy when I forget it). The lessening of my dysphoria has freed up a lot of mental energy for other things, the lessening of my dysphoria has lessened my depression* which gives me more energy, the reduction in joint pain + other chronic pain means I’m not constantly having that low drain on my energy and resting better at night, and the reduction in POTS symptoms means I’m not having that massive daily drain on energy reserves.

(*I’ve noticed an increase in energy at my stable baseline, and an increase in the sustained energy while hypo/manic from my pre-T mood cycles without an associated increase in the severity of other symptoms. My depressive moods have reduced in length and severity because there aren’t as many things fucking triggering me during them (which can also be attributed to the better living conditions and social connections, since I noticed this prior to restarting T), but I also have an increased energy during them as well. Which all tracks with the physical conditions improving and no longer draining my energy as much.)

(I still notice when my blood sugar drops, I get my period, or I have an anxiety attack that my energy levels for the day drop accordingly. But I’m also quicker to bounce back to my new baseline. My anxiety has more or less stayed the same. Also randomly feeling tired has become a much more reliable migraine aura because now being tired tends to have an easily identifiable cause.)

As I mentioned in the appetite section, there has been some downsides to my mental health while on T. The constant hunger was triggering for me, but since I'm in a stable environment and have money for food, it’s something I’ve been able to work through. I’ve also experienced more nightmares since being on T, especially around when I first started and when my dose was increased (biggest changes in hormone levels). But the nightmares also increased in general, which I also want to attribute to having more energy while on T. Before T I had a tendency to be so utterly exhausted I didn’t dream and/or I woke up too frequently during the night due to joint pain/needing to reposition that I didn’t complete sleep cycles and wasn’t dreaming/having nightmares. (The biggest argument for this is also that I’m straight up actually having non-nightmare dreams now too. I rarely had dreams and/or remembered them before. I get them decently often now. Which is nice! Dreams can be fun! And weird. Dream logic does not make sense upon waking up.) 

“Passing” / How people perceive my gender / General Reception

Gender is a party and transitioning is the grab bag. I’m basically completely on board all the physical changes T is making to my body (bar the acne and the balding). Presentation wise, I lean heavier into the men’s clothing than the women’s and would prefer to be read as a guy rather than a girl if people gotta gender me, but I’m not a guy and not actually interested in passing as a guy. So I don’t put any effort into passing as a guy. Being my authentic self and transitioning into my nonbinary genderqueer gender basically means I do what I’m comfortable with and just vibe (until someone misgenders me and then I dark side dysphoria vibe). 

Basically for those keeping track: I have long hair, I shave clean (and wear a mask anyway), my boobs are still visible (can’t bind), my hips are still a thing, and my voice sounds mostly like I have a cold (lower but with girly customer service inflections). My chosen/legal name is still femme. I’m also 5ft/160cm and relatively small. I dress in men’s clothes for the most part. Strangers still assume I’m a girl. Even in trans friendly spaces I get she/her’ed by default. 

(I’m out to management at work but very few others. There’s been maybe one person who might have noticed something. Most people I interact with through work--if they notice anything-- notice my voice change. But all the comments I’ve gotten indicate they think I’ve strained my voice from singing, have a cold, or it’s related to my breathing problems. (I had to wear a mask/scarf outdoors before covid due to the cold making it impossible to breathe, same with smoke. Also I caught COVID right before my voice cracked so…))

As I said, I don’t bind and my hair is long and don’t try to pass as a guy, so it makes sense I won’t. I’m sure if I had short hair and didn’t have visible boobs the default gendering by strangers would shift to a different percentage of girl vs guy vs awkward pause as they guess. So if you’re wondering how long it’ll take you to pass as a guy or confuse everyone, I’m not gonna be too helpful. But if you were concerned about being able to hide being on T/keep your transition on the DL until you’re ready to come out, you can definitely do it, just come up with some excuse for your voice because people will notice that.

Congrats I guess if you’ve read this far. Hopefully this was helpful and/or informative. The TL;DR of it is that the bulk of the changes kicked in somewhere between 3-6 months and are gonna continue for another good while. It’s having a lot of positive effects on my various health conditions (POTS, hEDS, migraines). I’m having a blast with everything that’s happening and am delighted by puberty 2.0. The drawbacks are just kind of inconveniences (and aside from potential balding, seem entirely temporary) and are nothing compared to the overwhelming joy and euphoria of slowly getting to exist more comfortably in my skin.

if you've got questions, feel free to ask. Just know depending on the question and whether or not I even know who you are will influence if I answer it or block you.

tagging myself so i can reblog if i need to @owlsofstarlight

#tag for me #also wow this post got long #and took forever to write and edit up #i apologize if it's hard to follow #but also don't complain if its too long i'm not forcing you to read it #the big t post #t timeline

[rewh0re]

THE SOULMATE THEORY ; MIKAGE REO

- wc: 1.1k, aged up characters (like 19-20) doesn't dive into explicit/hardcore smut but is definitely suggestive in some parts so I'd say readers 16 and above may read this, indirect mentions of sexual activities, fluff, reader is called a minx (affectionate), a little bit of that one old greek myth about soulmates, it's true that once you use em dash you can't stop.

a/n: literally got the idea at the doctor's office don't even. REBLOGS + FEEDBACKS ARE APPRECIATED!! also tagging: @chigirizzz (this is that one reo fic I was telling you about where you asked me to tag you)

The room was dark. The only source of light—though bright but not enough to light up the whole room—was from the digital clock on the bedside table. '12:42,’ it read in bright neon red numbers. It was also quiet, so much so that two pairs of steady breathings could be heard.

One belonged to Reo and the other, to you.

"Are you asleep?" You whisper—soft and delicate—careful as to not wake your lover up if he indeed was asleep but loud enough to let him know of your own sleepless state.

Your eyes have been long adjusted to the darkness and you can make out the silhouette of his face. The length of his nose and his eyelashes, the slight part of his lush lips, his sharp and angular jaw—truly—he was majestic.

"No," his eyes fluttered open and his lips turned upward. His smile, the gentleness of which never failed to make your heart beat ten times faster, which never failed to make your stomach feel all giddy with the butterflies that erupted.

"I was thinking about your face from earlier and the various sounds you made too actually. Sweet as honey to me but I'm afraid Mrs. Tanaka might complain come morning," gentle tone was overruled by mischief. That was Mikage Reo, a gem of a person for a second and a force to be reckoned with the next.

"Please don't oh my god," you covered your face—now tinted with embarrassment—with the comforter you and Reo shared as you whined in protest.

The activities from an hour back rushing into your brain, playing like a movie sequence. As foggy as your mind was earlier, you were surprised that you remembered everything so vividly. You could still feel his rough, calloused and much larger hands tracing every curve of your body as if to memorise its shape. You could feel the lingering kisses on your neck, your shoulder, your chest, the now purple marks left with pride. You would have to cover them before work in the morning. You could hear your own sounds of pleasure and his groans as if to say more, more, more. You could feel it all. You could feel him. Your face flushed a deeper shade of fuchsia as you gulped, trying to get the images out of your head.

"You act like we haven't done this a million times before my love," he laughed slowly, bringing a hand to cover his mouth.

"Come on, look at me. Don't shy away now," he pulled the blanket off of you, removing your hands from your face as he hugged you.

"You're incorrigible, you know that right?" You huffed out in faux annoyance, snuggling against his chest, his arms a veil for your figure.

He laughed then, a laugh full of mischief and adoration and something akin to acknowledgement for your previous statement.

You laid like that, in silence. There was peace that came with the soft lub-dub of your synchronised heartbeats and your gentle breaths.

You were the one to break it first.

"Have you ever heard about that one Greek mythology? about soulmates?" You spoke, your cool fingers tracing gentle and soothing shapes on Reo's bare back which was painted with scratches from your nails.

"Can't say I have. Care to tell me?" He looked for your eyes as he pulled up the slipping comforter before pulling you closer to his chest. His warmth engulfed you whole, a comfortable shield from the much cooler surroundings.

"Well there is this theory," you started, face softening into affection as you laid against Reo's—albeit hard—but comfortable chest.

"It says that when Zeus created humans, he originally created them with two of everything. So two heads, two pairs of both the limbs, you get it. Their souls were one too. Fearing the power that these humans could possess, Zeus split them, including their souls, in half and scattered them around the world. The humans—as we now know them to be—would search far and wide, across oceans and lands to look for their other half. It is said that this other half is your soulmate and you search for them throughout your life," you smiled as you looked up at him, engrossed in your little story.

"Well that's just cruel of Zeus now, isn't it? I mean, what if someone doesn't find their soulmate?" Reo pouted and that made you chuckle a little.

"Maybe. Maybe not. It is just a story at the end of the day and how you decide to perceive a story totally depends on you," you jabbed his chest with your finger.

"I think I've found my other half," he stated with pride.

"Oh? Is that so? I wonder who it could be," you made a face as if you were thinking, tapping your chin with your forefinger.

"Oh I bet you do," in an instant your boyfriend was hugging you tighter than ever, his face buried in the crook between your neck and your shoulder.

His soft kisses were ticklish and they made you giggle. Your fingers further messed up his already tousled hair.

"You want me to say it out loud so bad don't you, you little minx," he whispered in your neck as you hummed in response.

"I think I've found my soulmate in you."

"I also think I've found mine in you Reo," your gentle voice was like ambrosia to his ears. He could drown in it, a bit was never enough.

He trailed kisses down the side of your face, starting from your ear, going down your jaw and finally a little bite on your neck. He licked on it in order to soothe the area. A new addition to the marks he had left earlier.

"Ow Reo!" You playfully smacked his head which forced him to separate from your neck.

"I already have enough marks to cover!" You puffed your cheek, barely hiding the smile that was begging to come up to the surface.

"You'll beg for them again tomorrow," he winked at you.

You could only roll your eyes. What would you even say? Deep in your heart, even you knew that he was right. "What is wrong with you?"

"Just that I'm irrevocably in love with you," he tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, shutting his eyes.

"Unfortunately, I happen to love you too."

Teasing glances from your coworkers and friends due to the remnants from the events of the night would be a concern for later. For now, sleep would come easy to you because here you were, with Reo, in his arms. He was your safe haven and you were his and truly, whatever in the world could ever change that?

#—storytelling🌙 #bllk #blue lock #bllk reo #mikage reo #blue lock reo #reo x reader #mikage reo fluff #reo fluff #mikage reo x reader #reo x you #mikage reo x you #reo x y/n #mikage reo x y/n #reo imagine #bllk fluff #blue lock fluff #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader

[thatstonedwriter]

The Ace up my Sleeve

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A/N- Apologies for the wait. I hope I was able to do justice for this request. If any revisions need to be made, I'm more than happy to take suggestions/critiques. Enjoy <3

Contents; asexuality, romantic, polyam relationship, mentions of relationship insecurity, comfort/fluff

Feat; Fizzaroli x Ozzie x Reader, Blitz, Stolas

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The occupants of Hell, as horny as they can be, are no strangers to the rest of the LGBTQ+ community. No matter where you fall on the ace spectrum, when you come out, you're met with unconditional love.

Asmodeus said it best, "Lust shouldn't be about force. It's an art. To be earned, and enjoyed." There are many, many different kinds of intimacy and affection outside of the physical/sexual realms. Fizzaroli and Asmodeus would know a thing or two about that. As most people know, these two are big on communication. In fact, once you're all somewhat settled into the relationship, y'all set up a time to actually talk about the expectations you each have going forward. This is probably when it comes out you're ace. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, Fizz and Ozzie are happy to accommodate you. Even if you're not involved with the sexual aspects of the relationship, they make sure you're involved with everything else. Reading together, watching TV, playing games, partaking in substances, baking, going on walks, listening to music, you name it. There are so many other facets of a relationship that they're so excited to share with you.

Stolas is another who has to know early on. Likely occurs when he's flirting with you and notices you're uncomfortable. He's marginally better at communication (look at his texts with Blitz and try to disagree with me). If you don't bring it up, Stolas will, whether its in person or not. He wants to set clear boundaries so as to ensure your comfort and the stability of your relationship. Now, he's a passionate person who wants a passionate partner. But don't think that it exclusively applies to sex. Stolas wants to be wanted. He would love nothing more than to spoil you with nights spent on Alpha Centauri (pls someone get that reference), trips to your favorite sight-seeing spots, extravagant evenings spent in the shopping districts. Of course, passion can be found in the simple things, too. When you get him a thoughtful gift, write him a poem, take photos of him, set up a date, the list goes on. At the end of the day, he can't complain. As far as Stolas is concerned, as long as you love him, he's the luckiest being in every universe.

Blitz doesn't know until he absolutely has to. He's flirtatious, for sure. But lets also account for his affinity for being stupid (I say it with love). When you tell him, he's surprised (mainly because most of the people he knows are horny). It's actually a nice change of pace. It takes some getting used to, but he really enjoys learning about what else a relationship can be. It's new- having someone not just want him for sex or to steal things or kill people. Someone just wants him for who he is. Of course, that doesn't mean he knows how to show affection. Blitz is so used to being flirtatious and "weird," so have a spray bottle ready at all times. It's not that he doesn't respect your boundaries, its that he's afraid you'll leave. He doesn't believe someone could just want him for who he is, and he projects that insecurity onto you and the relationship. They key to things with Blitz is time and communication. No matter what though, he does love you, so much it makes him afraid. But it doesn't matter, because you love him too.

#helluva boss #helluva boss x reader #helluva boss headcanon #fizzaroli helluva boss #helluva boss blitz #blitz x reader #request #asmodeus helluva boss #stolas helluva boss #stolas x reader #fizz x ozzie x reader #polyam relationship #romantic attraction #romantic relationships #asexuality #writings.onthe.wall

[konigsblog]

I have a somewhat important question (idk if you’ve answered it yet)!! how how do you think cod characters are? It’s a real question bc people fight sm over it :/

i don't actually think that cod characters are into hard kinks, slapping, ect... although i post concepts and ideas with that theme, it's not accurate to my portrayal of their sex life. i view majority of them as vanilla, and all my posts about them and rough kinks/sex is just a concept and a fantasy.

HOW I VIEW THE COD CHARACTERS SEX LIFE - my personal opinion.

characters: price, ghost, gaz, soap, könig, horangi, alejandro and rudy. ↑ not my photos above.

PRICE is straight up vanilla, nothing wrong with that at all!!! missionary and grunts through laboured breathing. praise every now and then to encourage you that it's alright, very sweet and smells of vanilla and cedarwood.

...

GHOST isn't as slow as price, i think. i think he'd have faster thrusts and actually pretty silent. will praise and encourage you though, to keep you confident. a firm grip. definitely not into any hard kinks, nothing that'll hurt you as he believes sex should be pleasurable and not painful.

...

GAZ and doggy still sticks with me. i do also still think he prefers anal, he's just an ass man. slow thrusts, deep and desperate though. kisses you and gives you hickeys and love bites. groans and moans through pants.

...

SOAP is probably the fastest out of the 141. i feel like he'd experiment but wouldn't push you, nor himself to do something that you, or he doesn't like. frantic and hard thrusts as he teases you playfully, unable to keep it serious. kisses you all over afterwards though.

...

KÖNIG is fastest out of kortac. he seems like he'd say, ‘i'll make it fit.’ and fuck you ruthlessly to get you familiar with the feeling. 100% will not force you and always looks out for any warning of discomfort throughout it, immediately stopping and sitting down beside you to talk about it and how to improve. definitely more needy after deployment, but overall seems like he prefers faster sex. (not rougher sex)

...

HORANGI seems like he'd also experiment as he doesn't seem as old as price or ghost (i'm not sure of his age.) nothing too kinky, but spices it up here and there. humilation? praising? i honestly don't know, but i do think he'd be similar to gaz, and also könig. maybe a mixture between the both as i don't have a lot to say about it, other than he'd be teasing and rougher after deployment.

...

ALEJANDRO has a medium pace. similar to price in that he's pretty vanilla, but a rougher side of him coming out when he's especially needy. i'd say faster than price, more vanilla than soap, he seems like he'd praise you, kissing and marking your neck and gets you all hot and bothered. probably plays with your pussy while fucking you, and a lot of curses in spanish as he cums.

...

RUDY is similar to gaz and price, a mixture. vanilla but always down to experiment, as long as it doesn't break any boundaries, or if it seems like something he's not willing to do. makes love instead of fucking, kisses you all over and tells you that you're doing well for him. maybe a little of alejandro as well, a slightly rougher side of his usual sex life coming out, never after deployment though as all he wants to do is love you.

...

a/n: the reason i'm posting this is because i've seen a lot of people complaining about the cod community and the things they post, specifically about people who post dark content. i'm gonna say this once, and only once; if you don't like something, don't look at it. don't read, watch, anything, it's clearly not your thing and there's no reason to send hate to other people for liking certain things. no one's saying this is how characters act, it could be something they're into. maybe they like ghost and a gun kink, does that automatically mean ghost has a gun kink? of course not, its a concept, a fictional character, an idea.

this is my own blog, and i'm not going to let someone dictate what i post because it makes them uncomfortable. i am not responsible for what you read, you chose to read it, which is controlled by you.

TLDR: stop sending creators hate because of a concept, it's not their portrayal, it's a concept. don't read stuff you don't like, that's you're responsibility.

#orla speaks #call of duty modern warfare #cod x reader #cod imagine #cod headcanons #fem! reader #captain john price #captain price x reader #ghost simon riley #ghost x female reader #kyle gaz garrick #kyle gaz garrick x reader #john soap mactavish #soap x reader smut #könig x reader #könig #horangi smut #horangi #alejandro vargas x reader #alejandro vargas #rodolfo x reader #rodolfo parra #cod mw22 #cod modern warfare #female insert

[mercurygray]

is it too on the nose to suggest john egan + eileen hammond with "film"? if so may i also suggest "rest" or "risk"? i get nervous sending requests aljdfghkj

This request was perfect, Kind Anonymous Friend!

They were nearly at the end of the pile of mail when a surprise appeared.

"What's this?" Solly gave a second look. "A package for John Egan?"

Everyone in the room stared. Small lives called for small joys, and the distribution of mail was the highlight of everyone's week - if you were allowed to enjoy it, that was. Everyone in the 100th's officer's quarters had quietly resigned themselves to the tempest in a teacup that was John Egan during the mail - arms folded, scuffling his shoes, and complaining, in case anyone dared to appreciate too loudly, about wives and girlfriends and friends back home.

"I thought you said no one was writing to you," Frank said, looking up from yet another letter from his mother.

"No one was," Bucky said, swinging out of his bunk and jumping down to take the package, just as surprised as anyone else that the thing had his name on it.

"Does that address say London?" Crank asked, reading over Bucky's shoulder as he turned the package over and ripped through the already-opened paper to get to what was inside - a letter and a single phonograph record in a paper sleeve.

For once in his life, Egan was speechless.

"Who's sending you records?" Frank wanted to know.

"Eileen Hammond," Bucky managed, his voice almost a croak.

"Eileen Hammond!" Crank scoffed. "When I said you should write her that was a joke."

They could all remember that first month, Bucky moping around that once more there had been a mail call and once more he was without mail, and Crank, just as fed up as anyone else that he was being made to feel bad about a letter from home, had exploded. "I don't know, Bucky. Write - Write an actress! One of those USO broads! They got people who answer those - maybe she'll write you back."

"Maybe she won't," Brady had added, practical as ever, himself lording over a letter from his girlfriend. "Those girls get hundreds of letters. Lovesick soldiers are a dime a dozen."

"I," said Bucky, reaching into the cup on the table and pulling out a pencil so he could begin addressing his message blank, "Will take that bet, Crank. I'm a gambler. This is a gamble. Feels worth the risk, wouldn't you say?"

And here, it seemed, the risk had paid off. She'd actually written back.

"He's pulling your leg, Crank," Benny said sagely, hardly looking up from his book. "It's probably from his ma."

Bucky's face was long and dark, and without any warning, he'd stormed off down the hall, probably in pursuit of the rec room and its much abused phonograph, and the rest of the room, curious as anything, followed, wondering just what it was they were going to hear when he turned the record on.

There was a scratch as Harry James was unceremoniously yanked down, and several angry yelps as the rec room's occupants groused about being interrupted. "Put it - put it on!"

Brady and Crank both tried hard to read the label as Egan started up the record player, carefully setting the needle as the whole room listened, expectantly, for the crackle as the machine picked up the sound and a woman's voice bloomed into the air.

"Is this - is it recording? Okay, it's recording, good." A pause - the performer collecting herself before she officially stepped up to the microphone. "This message goes out to Major John Egan, and all the fine fellows of the United States Army and Army Air Forces currently overseas as guests of the German Army. This is Eileen Hammond with a special Command Performance for you all." Crank's eyebrows were in his hair, and even Benny was staring in disbelief that Eileen Hammond - the Eileen Hammond, stuff of painted plane pin-ups and kriegie wet dreams - was just as good as right there in the room with them, taking low and smelling of perfume.

Egan sat down heavily in a nearby chair, still holding the letter and the paper sleeve, and Hammond's voice went on. "Please know that all of you are in our thoughts, and our prayers, and that all the people at home who are waiting for you love you more than words can say. If they'd let me I'd come and sing this to you all in person, as I've done for so many of your fellow soldiers at home and abroad, but for now this recording will have to do. Please hear it and think of better days. We ready, Bob?"

Crank turned up the volume, and everyone in the room could hear a single guitar and a woman's low, sultry voice, all velvet and moonlight, singing the slower, sedater version of a song that everyone from Thorpe Abbotts knew all too well, whether he liked it or not.

Blue skies smiling at me Nothing but blue skies do I see Bluebirds singing a song Nothing but bluebirds all day long.

But the most surprising thing was that Bucky, for once, wasn't singing along. He was too busy reading, holding his letter as if it were made of gold, a small, pleased smile on his broad, sunny face.

#i have written a thing #mercurygraypresents #eileen hammond #Nix better watch out #masters of the air x oc #tds cinematic universe #asked and answered #kind anonymous friend

[atthebell]

this may become a sort of rant but i realised after reading your post about qcellbit that I kinda wish purgatory wasn't canon to the events of the qsmp ... like I thought purgatory would be The Event that brings everyone's individual lore together by forcing them to work together to save the eggs while also making them confront each characters association with the federation... which is why its called purgatory.

but the purgatory we got was lowkey minecraft punishment for 2 weeks. It was fun to watch! I just wish none of it was canon/had anything to do with the disappearance of the eggs

who are the eye workers? hows this relevant to everything we previously knew about the island? i wanna know if the eggs are real and alive outside the island but instead we got egg attacks with these eye fuckers which was happening with the codes anyway. sooo many unanswered questions and purgatory brought even more confusion

you are preaching to the choir nonnie lmao i don't want to be overly negative on here so ive tried to keep my complaining to a minimum but narratively i hated purgatory and yes it felt like two weeks of pure punishment. there were little to no rp opportunities, the lack of player agency was exhausting, and it felt like they were playtesting an event on server members rather than creating an event that would work for lore and be a fun event itself. two weeks was far too long, what does this have to do with the regular island, why did it have to interrupt so many people's lore, why the actual hell did cucurucho save the eggs and not the players (this one ill give some grace to bc so many people were on break and frankly i just needed the eggs back period. but it is one of the most disappointing story choices for me). i liked people getting to play together in new ways, but i wish it hadn't been so long and had been a non-canonical event in the first place. similar to the eggs going missing, i think the rp that has come out of it has been brilliant, but i think it did not need to happen this way.

for a while now it feels like players are no longer the main characters and in an attempt to make overarching lore make more sense and be more cohesive, there's been too much focus on federation npcs and the eye and cucurevil-- there's too many parties at play, and none of them should be the actual focus of the story. this is livestreamed roleplay. the server members should be the main characters. it is less entertaining and less meaningful narratively otherwise. i wish players had more agency again and there were more small, character focused bits of lore going on that weren't so focused on making sure everything is interconnected. i DO have faith that this could be the case again, i there's just been a rough patch for a bit that hopefully gets better.

also listen i do not call myself a cellbit main for a reason i watch a lot of different people and i think that's a better way to go at this type of medium. however, i think im allowed to acknowledge that for my preferred POV, which is cellbit, this has been torture. ive been avoiding talking about it because it felt like idk selfish or whatever or like I'm whining on his behalf which i don't need to do, but i think it's fair to be upset by how much this has fucked his lore because as a viewer it's been disappointing as hell (and not just for him but for other RP & investigation focused people). they helped him plan out the whole murder spree arc that was going somewhere before purgatory and then interrupted it entirely, they took away his best friend who he, atp, spends most of his time either building or investigating with and doesn't really want to play without, they did not provide any clues for finding the eggs nor any kind of investigation (until the minimes which. i don't need to tell you how that went but i can assure you it was the most negative cellbit has ever been about the server and he was still very polite about it).

i know he talked about the server moving from investigation centered storytelling to more pvp/conflict-centered storytelling, but, frankly, i don't think that's working out, especially not for him. and considering the break he's been on in part due to fatigue from purgatory i think this whole period of time has just not worked for what he wants to do with his character. i have faith he'll make it work, and i think the admin team is really good at addressing players' needs (especially cellbit who will just tell them all the stuff he wants), so i have faith in them as well. it's just frustrating considering how much it has sucked to be a qcellbit viewer for the last. idk two months if im being generous four if im not. it's hard bc im not a person who deals in idealism so i don't want to be like "i wish it all had never happened from this exact point" and i do like some of things that have come from rp post-eggs disappearing and even during and post-purgatory. so idk where im going with this anymore anyway i think there are ways to go about fixing this and making the narrative less clunky and focused on players again and allow for individual lore again, i just wish that that had remained the case continuously. sorry for the rant ill try to tag this appropriately

#asks #anons #neg #crit #idfk #i have wanted to complain about this for ages though so like. im happy to actually say all this #i keep seeing posts that come across to me as major copium and im like okay i get not wanting to be negative but we dont need to do all that #you can dislike things you just dont need to fet nasty about it #also i do not want to harp on this so dont send a bunch more asks about it #also this is me being as nice as i possibly can be despite how miserable it has been i hope that's clear #this is my ONE post where i get to kvetch as much as id like. maybe unless i decide to talk about it more

[trash-monkey]

Little Brother

Sitting myself into the bathroom sink from the step stool I had pulled up to it and stare into the mirror to see black eyes looking back, two days ago I have died and only awake again as a three year old but by now I'm over the shock. Blond hair sits on top of my head like a nest and I can clearly see I don't have as much of baby fat as I should since this child has a horrible mother that hardly does anything to keep him alive from what I had seen these last two days.

'Its not a wonder why he left but now it's my life.'

Suddenly the front door is thrown open and clicking heels storm inside.

"Where is that little brat?" A women's voice hissed as I hear her heels get closer until she's standing in the door way.

"There you are." I can tell her tone and smile are fake as she picks me up from the sink and bring me to the living room where she drops me onto the couch, I watch as she moves around the place putting what little I have into a large backpack with a piece of torn paper pinned to it.

".....getting rid of it....." I hear her mumble when she passed by before come back to shove a random pacifier into my mouth and pick me off the couch, her grib is tight enough to leave bruises but I didn't complain. I guess the woman is too in impatient to get rid of me as she hurried into a near by subway and onto the second train but before I know it we're on the streets again, dread claws at me when I saw we passed a glowing sign saying we're entering the red light district.

'Where is she taking me?'

After walking a block we enter a multi floored building and immediately I recognize it as a brothel by the half naked ladies walking around, we take the elevator up to a floor and down the hall. She drops me onto the floor at a door before tying the child leash she forced onto me while we were on the train to the door handle and throws the bag next me before storming away, leaving me completely shock when she flipped the middle finger at me with a smile before the elevator doors shut.

'THIS BITCH IS LEAVING ME IN A BROTHEL!?!!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER!?!'

Fear and hunger eats away at me as I continue to sit there on the cold hard floor, the elevator door open once again to reveal a decent dressed lady and she stops walking when she spots me after taking her eyes off her phone.

"Why hello there, what are you doing here?" With a sweet voice she kneels before me but I just continue to stare at her, not knowing what to do since I can't tell if she knows whoever lives in this room or not. She rise an eyebrow at my silence before grabbing my bag and read the note once she noticed it, her jaws dropped at whatever info the woman had written on it.

"Come on sweetheart, you're coming with me until he gets back." She unties the leash and sit me on her hip as her another hand gets my bag before walking to what I guess is her room one door down, she gently put me on her bed.

"Here you go sweetheart, I'm sorry but this is all I have in here...... you're thin." She mumbled the last part to herself as she hands me a cracker from a pack that's setting on her desk after putting my bag next to me, I pull the pacifier that's been setting in my mouth the whole time and lay it on the bed. I grabbed the cracker and bite a small piece of a corner off, the lady's smile grows bigger.

A cracker and half later a tall dude walks pass the room but once the lady sees him she jumps up off the bed and calls out to him, I didn't pay attention to them as they talk since I was more interested in eating the rest of my cracker.

"Hey" Suddenly the tall dude is kneeling next to the bed causing me to try to hide my cracker with my body making the dud chuckle and give a smile.

"It's ok, I'm not going to take away your cracker." After relaxing and go back to eating I take in the dude, he has blonde hair like me but mine is a shade or two darker in a long braid with the sides of his head shaved as a dragon tattoo lays on one side and also have the same black eyes. The more I stare the more I see that we look alike except a few simple features.

'So the woman dropped me off at a relative.'

"I'm your big brother." He said surprisingly in a gentle voice in response of my confused expression.

'oh, she abandon him too.'

"Bu, yo my bu?" I asked shocking both since this is the first time I have spoken.

"Yes, your brother." A kind smile is placed on his lips which I give him a smile of my own with a happy giggle and crawl my way to him to throw my arms around his neck, he stands after holding me in place.

"Thank you." He whispered to the lady on the way out of her room, he unlock his door but had to hold me and my bag awkwardly to do so. He places me on my feet in the middle of his room which is middle size with shower in upper left corner while his bed rests in the upper right, a shelf of different things in the lower left corner next to the door. Brother sits on the floor next to me and started going through my bag, he pulls out a few pairs of clothes with shoes, another pacifier, and two broken toys. At the very few things I have causes him to sigh before picking up a random pair of shorts and underwear.

"Bath time." He grabs ahold of my hand and lead me into his shower, with his help I pull of my clothes causing he frowns at the forming bruises on my side once seeing them. Once done with the bath he dries and dress me before brushing my hair, he leaves me on his bed with the two broken toys to entertain me while he takes his own shower but when he got he finds me asleep. With a sad smile he undid his braid before sliding into bed and carefully lay my small body on his chest with a hand rubbing my back.

_______________________________________________

#fanfic #male y/n #male reader #anime #tokyo manji gang #tokyo revengers #tokyrev #tokyo revengers draken #child reader

[owlf45]

when it comes to unfinished fics, i actually found i prefer instead of a writer forcing themselves to slog through and finish the fic, just a chapter summarizing the way the story was going to end. like where the plot was going, what was going to happen to the characters. it could even just be a bullet point list tbh.

a couple people made this point. i think it's definitely a good middle ground for sure

not to be contrary, i really do enjoy when authors do that, but ill give my own perspective since i complained about no one giving theirs and i have yet to contribute to my own conversation.

for my smaller projects, especially the ones that only got a chapter or so in and could easily be read as ambigious/open ended— leaving those unfinished worked fine.

for my longer projects, like imaginary and indefinite, even if its like pulling teeth, it is fulfilling to return to them. I'm not as passionate about the works, but also being in the middle of passion can instill paralysis— you cant write because you're too damn excited. writing now can be exhausting, but it satisfies that little version of me that dreamed about updating the last chapter so many years ago.

of course, i dont think this would be possible if i didn't have my notes and a rough direction i was heading. some stuff still slips past me, but generally the direction is the same. i don't think my writing and execution is as strong, but most people don't seem to notice or don't say as much, to be honest. even if my grasp on the characterization isnt as strong, even if my passion has cooled, as long as i have that direction i intended so many years ago, i feel good about what I'm posting.

i used to be deathly afraid of mediocrity and disappointing people, of not capturing that original glow that made my work so fun to begin with— but that saying 'either do it, or do it scared' holds true here. and i can add something aged and different to my work. also, i think focusing so hard on quality makes you lose yourself in creation rather than creativity.

but of course, that's only my journey, navigating with my 5 year-old-fics. they're old loves. i think if you're sick of a work, or if you're coming back to a work with genuinely no direction, it can be very hard to write and you'll be lost and frustrated. old-me already did all the heavy lifting, i just have to do my job and put words on paper.

#my asks #alright im getting off my soapbox #i was just curious from the reader's perspective #i dont read much fanfic anymore #i think ive really struggled coming back to old fics (hence why fourteen masks is on a separate account) #but posting to imaginary and getting a warm reception made me re-realize that its not a burden; its a hobby #its a warm embrace of an old fic

[valittlecorner]

!? Do Cozmez actually Trust each other !? ☆ (VD predictions)

- Hey! After reading through the lyrics for Trust Nobody, I feel like it's being strongly hinted that Nayuta is getting tired of Kanata's attitude towards certain things while Kanata is very stressed thanks to his PTSD. I believe there's an insane mix of unfortunate events going on that made stuff turn out this way. Even though I can't understand the VD (where are the people who sub those istg) just the overall vibes and lyrics of Trust Nobody lend me to believe this is the case. So let's speculate about what's going on!!

☆ Part #1 ☆ The lack of Trust (based on Trust Nobody lyrics)

- If you pay attention to the subs, it looks like there's a constant discussion going on through the whole song. Every Kanata verse keeps talking about all the stuff they've gone through as brothers, and how he doesn't Trust anyone besides Nayu. While Nayu acknowledges this, he still pretty much says the opposite about Trust. We have quotes from him like:

"It can't be helped that all can't be mutually understood, pushing values and correctness onto each other, there's no way that can be called Trust. As long as we live, there'll be a difference in our strides."

- Nayuta believes there's no trust between him and Kanata, and that's completely normal. They haven't seen each other for 2 years, Kanata had to deal with strong trauma and changed a lot overtime, while Nayuta was pretty much frozen in time and his life just restarted. Nayuta was used to the old Kanata, so he seems to be bothered by current Kanata. I'm guessing Kanata has been very overprotective (as usual) and trying to force some ideas onto him (like for example, try and make him NOT trust anyone but him). I don't think Nayu can measure just how miserable Kanata becomes when they have disagreements, but he does know he usually starts having a breakdown, so he probably doesn't know how to go around it without getting a frustrating outcome (for him) of Kanata leaving him mid sentence or just exploding on his face. This isn't anyone's fault, they just need to talk it out, but considering Kanata's stubbornness, its really hard for Nayu to even try.

☆ Part #2 ☆ The consequences of Fame? (based on VD sample)

***I'm pretty sure the first part is actually happening, but this part is more based on speculation and what I can gather from the VD without subs, take this with a grain of salt.

- For context, the VD sample seems to begin in an interview. The interviewer brings up Buraikan, which annoys the twins, but especially Kanata. After Buraikan mention, interviewer says another thing which greatly offends Kanata and leads him to complain with Nayuta, who tries to calm him down so they can continue, but Kanata just left all together leaving Nayuta by himself. After this, Kanata encounters some fans, featuring a kid and some girl invading his privacy and taking pics. Kanata reacts violently which scares the fans, until Iori comes to the rescue. SO for what I can gather Kanata seems to not be taking the fame too greatly, which can also impact Nayu's annoyance towards his attitude as of late. Kanata's mind must be pretty busy just by dealing with the stress of being with the REAL Nayu, who's a changing human being (not an illusion now) and is way harder to protect of something like that incident happening again and just the outside world, and this with going to interviews that bring out other artists all the time and pretty much ignore Kana's efforts for achieving his dreams + fans harassing him must be really messing with his mental state, which ends up harming Nayu since Kanata seems to be in a terrible mood without Nayuta knowing why. This can also be a factor as to why Kanata acted the way he did and their overall lack of trust, since

Kanata can't trust Nayuta to survive alone and Nayuta can't trust Kanata to let him live and explore by himself.

- Okay so, this is all I have!! We'll see how close I was when the actual VD releases.... Shiver me timbers. I love analysing Kanata but it's 3am so excuse any grammar errors or typos. 😭😭

#paradox live #pararai #cozmez #kanata yatonokami #nayuta yatonokami #trust nobody #i love him #valittletheories

[overobsessivewhumper]

Whumpcember 2023: Day 3: Hypothermia

@whumpcember

Content warning: Emetophobia (mentioned)

Read on Ao3

After almost 200 years in darkness, Astarion isn't used to the sun. On a particularly hot day, he gets to see just how bad the sun can make him feel even when it isn't burning him.

Astarion loves the sun. How could he not, after almost two centuries of cold and dark. His elven need for less rest meant he had been up for every sunrise since his abduction, soaking up every bit of sunlight he could. The thought of growing sick of the warm lights touch on his skin had seemed impossible to Astarion.

He feels sick of it now.

It had been hot all day, but when the sun reached its highest point, the temperature rose even further.

Astarion squints at the sky, where the sun still hangs almost dead centre. The pulsing pain in his skull is only getting worse, and even what little armour he's wearing feels too heavy. Astarion didn't know it was even possible for him to sweat this much. But he feels the way his clothes stick to his skin.

The sun must surely be mocking Astarion by showing him all the other ways it can hurt him.

The others are walking ahead of Astarion. He'd stopped listening to their talking a while ago, but it seems like Gale is talking with Karlach about something. Something Astarion is sure he wouldn't have cared to listen to even if his head didn't feel like it was about to slit open. Wyll ads comments to their conversation now and again, but he's mainly focused on keeping a keen eye on the path they are walking.

That's all they've been doing really. Just walking.

Hiking wasn't Astarions preferred pastime, but he usually doesn't struggle with the activity this bad. He feels shaky, every step he takes uncertain.

His companions are dealing much better with the heat. Sure, Astarion is certain he heard Gale complaining a while back, but they're managing fine. Astrion can't afford to let on how bad the weather is making him feel. Not after everyone just recently learned of him being a vampire.

Being a liability in addition to a potential threat? There's no way that would go down well. He's just going to have to power through.

As that taught crosses his mind, Astarion is hit with a sudden wave of nausea, and his vision blurs.

He's forced to lean onto a nearby rock for support, fearing his legs might give out if he doesn't.

But only for a moment, he tells himself. He only needs to rest for a moment, and then he'll catch up with the others. When Astarion next opens his eyes, he is sitting on the floor, not sure he can remember doing so.

He immediately closes his eyes again. Next to being too hot, the sun is also too bright. Oh how Astarion longs for somewhere cool and dark to curl up in. But he has to get up. He tries to force his shaking arms to do just that by pushing himself up and off the dusty floor, but he falls back down again immediately.

Astarion groans, but doesn't go to try again. Not right away anyway.

“Astarion?”, comes Wyll's voice, sounding concerned, whether for Astarions safety, or because he doesn't trust the vampire to leave his sight is unclear.

When Astarion opens his eyes, his companions are already next to him. Wyll and Gale are crouched next to him, Karlach a little further away. Karlach has got that look on her face she often does, a look of conflict as she tries to work out how to help without actively setting something ablaze with her burning skin.

Astarion sighs. So much for not appearing as a liability.

“You're burning up.”, Wyll says, hand hovering just short of touching Astarions skin.

“You don't think he's...” Gale continues before Astarion can even address Wyll, a look crossing his face that betrays what the rest of his statement is. Astarion bats Wylls hand away and tries to stand up again. His arms cramp and a fresh stab of pain shoots through his skull.

“I'm not turning into a Mindflayer, Gale.” Astarion slurs, the unsteady quality of his voice surprising him. “Just let me get up.”

“I have to agree with Astarion.” Wyll says. “Not the bit about getting up, please stay down.”

Astarion sighs in annoyance, but complies. He feels like he might actually be sick if he did manage to get up. He wasn't going to let the other see him sink to that kind of low.

“I have seen this before.” Wyll continues “People that were out in the sun too long experiencing sudden bouts of weakness.” Astarion wants to protest, disagree with Wyll calling him weak. Ironically, he couldn't muster the strength to do so. “We need to cool you down.”

Astarion zones out once more as Wyll and Gale discuss moving him to the shade, as Karlach stands there looking uncomfortable in her inability to aid in the task. Astarion is distantly aware of Wyll and Gale's hands on him, moving him, but the headache spiking with every shaky movement claims the majority of his attention.

Wyll snapping his fingers in front of Astarions face brings his focus back to the present.

“Hey, don't pass out on us.” Wyll says, sounding concerned again. Astarion wants to tell him to piss off, maybe insult him too, but all he ends up doing is glaring at him. Wyll looks fuzzy and washed out, but at least Astarion can see him. Karlach and Gale are barely more than smeared specks of colour at the corner of Astarions field of view.

Wyll started to insist Astarion lose some of the layers he was wearing, and again, Astarion wants to spit out some kind of comeback, embarrass the man with a flirtatious remark.

“Fine.” is what Astarion manages to force out. So soon he's laying there in his shirt and trousers, armour discarded to the side far less neatly than he'd usually like.

“Do vampires drink water?” Gale interjects after a while of heavy silence. Astarion doesn't remember ever having a problem with it, and can't bring himself to care to think about it further. At this point, he'd try almost anything to cool down. He holds his hand out in a silent demand for someone to hand him some. He pretends not to notice how much his arm is shaking, and tries to not let on how much energy the motion is costing him.

A bottle is handed to him, Astarion not having the will to pay attention to whom it came from. Couldn't have been Karlach. Everything she handles feels at least warm to the touch.

The water isn't cold, but it might as well be when it hits the back of Astarions throat. A lot of it gets spilled down his neck and chest, he feels the cold rivulets running along his abnormally hot skin.

They stayed like that for a long time, just resting in the shade. Karlach asked if they were sure there was no way she could help, and whilst Astarion couldn't see her, he knew she must be pulling an expression more and more like a kicked dog. By the time she asks for the sixth or seventh time, he was sure telling her apart from Scratch would be near impossible.

By the time Astarion feels marginally better, at least not like he's going to be sick if he moves too hastily, he expects the other three to show at least some annoyance with him for waiting the better part of the afternoon, if not downright animosity.

But none of them mentions anything of the sort. If anything, they act like it was their fault. By the time they get back to camp, sun almost gone from the sky, they even insist Shadowheart take a look at him.

When Astarion settles to trance he feels weird. The headache is still there, but manageable now. No, it's nothing physical that makes him feel off. It's the way the others reacted to his weakness. He can't place how he feels about it.

So he begins his trance, odd sensation in his chest, hoping they weren't going to spring some sudden recompense for their compassion on him. All he could do was continue to prove his usefulness and try to steer clear of any more embarrassing displays of ineptitude.

#whumpcember2023 #astarion ancunin #wyll ravengard #bg3 #gale dekarios #karlach #emetophobia

[leothil]

I got tagged for this by @shitouttabuck and @mistmarauder while I still was escaping the internet out in the archipelago, so please accept my humble answers now instead!

1. were you named after anybody?

My second name is for my dad and my grandfather (and was also the second name of my paternal great-grandmother).

2. when was the last time you cried?

Today while watching 911 1x08, specifically the scene where Bobby said he thinks God is punishing him by forcing him to stay alive.

3. do you have kids?

No, but I have niblings.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

Somewhat, but way less than in my early 20's.

5. what sports do you play/have you played?

Ballet ca ages 7-11 (I honestly don't remember exactly), football ages 9-14 (with a year off aged 11-12 because of a knee injury that also ultimately ended my career), different kinds of dance since I was 15. A couple of years of athletics sometime around age 10. I liked long jump, triple jump, hurdles, discus and hammer throw well enough, wasn't that good at high jump or sprints. I took up running (jogging?) in my late teens and have done it on and off, currently on again. I took some kickboxing classes a few years ago. I've also dabbled in pilates, yoga, and body pump and its similar forms of gym group classes.

6. first thing you notice about someone?

Their hair!

7. eye colour?

Moss green

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I don't do scary movies.

9. any special talents?

Uh. Singing? I'm really good at sight reading notes. I also like to think I'm good at dancing. Oh, I can gut fish, I do it every summer!

10. where were you born?

Helsinki

11. what are your hobbies?

Being online too much. Video games, reading, crochet, west coast swing, choir, solo singing lessons, sometimes cross stitching.

12. do you have pets?

Yes, two cats!

13. fave subject in school?

I loved physics in [school that overlaps with the last three years of american high school]! Religion and history were always super fascinating too!

14. dream job?

Don't have one. But I really do like the one I currently have, no matter how much I sometimes complain about it!

Tagging the besties @hattalove @oatflatwhite @clusterbuck @buckactuallys @thatbuddie @capseycartwright 💖

#tag games

[rollercoasterwords]

oh!!!! happy 100k words wfrau!!!!!!! she's getting bigger (<- like you would speak of a puppy). how long is it supposed to be & how far along are you? and also... would you like to share a snippet you like (from any chapter ofc... no pressure if no it's completely understandable)? what do you enjoy the most about writing it? bc it seems like you're having fun & it's so nice to see someone enjoying a hobby so openly online... especially writing... there's this conception that writers don't actually enjoy writing (the whole 'forcing myself to write' bit) and i'm curious to hear your perspective on it!! also!!!!!! i hope moving will be easy & fun & the world will be kind to you with the change <3 i keep telling myself 2 read marx but i can't find any good translations to my native language and reading it in english is making my brain go grgrgrgrgr like an air conditioner on its last leg so alas it might have to wait... so true for liking iced drinks they're really the best!! i've heard someone say it's childish but i think they just live a very miserable hot life in the august heat drinking their hot coffee instead of putting some ice cubes in it :) it's funny you say that about fav line because it's definitely my fav fic of your writing & the ending of it is soooo beautiful i get back to it every time i need to feel something!!!!! that song line is beautiful too omg... and well the weather is hell everywhere at least the world is all suffering together :( i hope the atmosphere isn't suffering too much :/ honestly i am a big 'i would rather be hot than cold' believer because i am from a hot country so i know how to deal with the heat but you know what i'm sure the chill can also be intriguing to some... not me though... i hope the winter will be kind on you <3 thank u for letting me invade ur ask box i am creating myself a room here for now i think. anyway. love and hugs!!!! <333

hello!! she is indeed getting bigger <3 if i had to guess right now i'd say i'm maybe...possibly nearing the halfway point of the fic, plotwise? but honestly it's really hard to say lol. i've got 2 more story arcs to cover in part 3 (plus finishing the current one), and then part 4 is gonna have like...2 or 3 story arcs as well, plus an epilogue. so it just depends on how long it takes me to cover all that ground!

and yeah i'm having a lot of fun writing!! i know what u mean abt the whole "ugh writing amirite" bit that writers do lol and i'm sure i do it sometimes too...i mean i think tone varies a lot and many people who complain about writing still really enjoy the activity, but i do think there is sometimes this self-flagellating tendency amongst some writers to act like writing is meant to be this strenuous, emotionally draining activity like ur...idk sisyphus w the stone or something, and if you're writing something 'easy' or 'fun' you're somehow a lower caliber of writer than those who Nobly Suffer for their art, etc...which i think is dumb lol. suffering doesn't inherently make art any better or more noble

& thank u 4 the well-wishes w moving!! i'm mostly nervous about getting to my flight on time lol i have to go into work the literal day before i leave and then catch a train across the country at 5am the next morning 2 get 2 the airport...not going 2 be fun so i'll take all the well-wishes i can get !!

sorry 2 hear u can't find marx in ur native language :( it's hard enough 4 me 2 understand reading in my first language i cannot imagine trying 2 parse it in a second language...maybe it might be easier 2 find one of his (or engels') shorter texts 2 read? capital is a monster but i started off with a few shorter pieces ('socialism: utopian and scientific', 'principles of communism', 'wage labour and capital,' 'value price and profit') which i found helpful! also there are lots of secondary resources of other people breaking down + explaining marx's work; maybe there's a good source in your native language that could give a summary/overview of capital? there's no one right way 2 learn, it's just abt finding what works best for u!!

iced drink supremacy 4ever truly <3 me myself & i we can only enjoy a hot beverage if it's very cold outside...otherwise i am simply thinking well why would i do that 2 myself... & thank u!! happy 2 hear u like the lines!! v happy w them v proud <3 & also appreciate the well-wishes re: weather i cannot relate 2 the hot-weather preference i much prefer cold...or at least i used to i grew up in a relatively cold climate but then i moved south 4 university so at this point i'm going on 6 years of living in what is categorized as a "humid subtropical climate" & i think my winter tolerance has been all but destroyed it hardly ever drops below freezing...but hot&humid weather is still my least favorite i think i would prefer icy-cold winter + mild summer but i will be actually putting that theory 2 the test this year so!! who knows maybe my hubris will be my downfall...

& of course!! u are welcome 2 stop by + chat anytime...in my heart we are drinking iced beverages 2gether <3 also as requested here is a snippet from ch 14:

“Don’t,” he tells her, firmly, “Don’t say that. I don’t—want you involved. If they ever did anything to hurt you…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” She stares at him, eyes ablaze. “And how do you think I feel? Knowing that they only pick on you because—” her voice falters, cracking, “Because you’re with me?” Her lip is trembling again, tears threatening to spill over from her eyes. Sirius shakes his head, helplessly, at a loss for what to do.

#snippet is a bit spoilery i think...might be able 2 piece 2gether some of what's gonna happen based on it #but also might just be confusing lol #hard 2 post anything from ch 14 without giving some stuff away tho so!! out-of-context possibly-spoilers it is... #ask #wfrau

[jazzywazzy89]

Ugh sorry that people are evening assholes about your work. You put too much time and effort into your stories to have losers complain. Like you said, if they don’t like the direction the story is going, they can stop reading and go read something they like.

Hey Anon,

Thanks! I appreciate you dropping by to commiserate and show some appreciation for the fics. Tbh, it's mostly been Damon and Bamon stans which is why I have avoided writing for the ship for so long. I get a lot of folks complaining from the first one or two chapters without even seeing how the story plays out and wanting the character to be coddled, not held accountable, and Bonnie to not take into account his past behavior as the relationship develops. Like for The Gods of Virginia, people felt more empathy for Damon because Bonnie had a better relationship with Stefan at the start because Stefan in cannon treated her slightly better at the time and Damon had given her literally no reason at that point to have much good feelings towards him, than they did for Bonnie who was trapped in the 1800's during slavery and forced into a relationship for her own survival. Make it make sense. I felt pressured to write the story a certain way after a while and it felt less like my story and less about Bonnie as a character so it was hard for me to go back to. I'm planning on finishing it along with some others but I am doing a sort of reset than people will likely not be happy with but since I decided to just write the story I want to write instead of catering to other people the PSA was just a forewarning so hopefully I don't have to deal with the foolishness.

Also my annoyance and frustration aside it also just take away from those who just enjoy reading the story. I'm cool with folks having pairing preferences but its the entitlement that gets me and the shade being throne at Bonnie when she doesn't make the choice they want or act in a way they want by people who are supposed to be stans. But I digress. I've decided I'm not going to let it stop me from writing because I do love that fic and I honestly get enjoyment out of playing around with both Bamon and Stefonnie as pairings. I just want folks to know they can feel free to not read as opposed to coming for someone over a fic that they can walk away from if its not for them.

#anons #replies #bonnie bennett #bamon #don't come for me #i love bamon stans but some of ya'll need to not

[skelltan]

my thoughts on wet moon 7

finished wet moon. i liked it. i wish the ending was different though. i feel like a huge bitch for complaining about it since sophie worked so long on it and i don't want to tell her how to do her own story better and i can definitely tell she felt it was the best way to end the story. i'm not taking that away from her whatsoever, i dont think it was a bad ending by any means, this is simply how i personally would've preferred the story to end (spoilers for wet moon 7, obviously).

the idea of a conclusion - wet moon is very floaty in the way the story is told. it's not super abstract, but it's not really told as a conventional story, either. it's just sorts of glimpses at character's lives. this is why i find the finality of morning cold unfitting. we do have a lot of things left open, but they're more plot points than character relations for the most part (what was with the cleo eats it stuff, the paranomal stuff, etc). it felt like it closed the door on each character's narrative way too concretely. i thought the scene with beth was cute, but if she never showed up after her departure prior, i think it would've been fine. i'm also not a fan of penny's biphobia being swept under the rug for it to turn out she herself is queer all along

as a continuation on that point - the "fairy tale" ending. i thought the ending was far too sweet. i'm not a hater of happy endings, but again, tied with the conclusivity and fluff in the forms of beth and penny's story i thought could have been omitted, it felt too twee for my tastes

to summarize my biggest complaint spawning from those two: i felt this book was a bit of a tonal mismatch to prior ones. it was a bit too cut and dry and didn't have as much mystique

i dont mind cleo and mara splitting, and there were definitely seeds to it happening, but it was a bit sudden - moreso was trilby and cleo getting together when the door on that felt closed since about book 2. mara and natalie also felt a little forced, but both relationships had merits, the latter much more than the former

i don't completely get why trilby is mad with martin - you can sort of gleam why but this is left open in a way that isnt satisfying such as the other closed plot points i'd have been fine with keeping open or the things that do stay unexplained

while i mention natalie - her design. i feel like her scar was really downplayed. which, if it healed, yeah, sure, but i liked it a lot more in prior volumes. i also just generally prefer her design in prior volumes, but that's a minor gripe

a lot of focus on nissa and nora. this isn't inherently a problem, but they were barely that present prior, so to have a majority of the finale focus on them was an odd choice - though it's a bit of a lose/lose. either they could have been retroactively used more (which would've had to have changed the story a lot), or just shafted entirely. this is another minor gripe, but it stood out to me.

but don't get me wrong, like i said i still enjoyed wet moon a lot - i wrote all of this because i care, and even then, i must stress it wasn't a bad ending at all, i just have my gripes.

sophie's art through all books is spectacular and her writing was engaging - even despite my gripes with this volume, i thought she nailed the character voices (especially zia) and understanding of the character relations - its less so that she ruins character relationships, but rather she has a lot more clarity on them that, while good, feels somewhat incongruent with prior volumes.

on the art - every volume had great art but holy shit she really stepped it up in this volume. im not good with descriptive words but its just like a total evolution and its wild. trilby's redesign is awesome. every character manages to look more distinct than they already were, which again feels like magic. i definitely wanna read more of her stuff

#wet moon #comics #sophie campbell

[somehowmags]

NAND THANK YOU 😭😭😭😭 VIL, IN FACT, WOULDN'T FORCE THE BODILY STANDARDS HE HOLDS HIMSELF TO ONTO YOU!!!! i once saw someone write a fic entailing epel's development of an ED as a result of vil and it genuinely did make me sad. epel and vil's bond is so beautiful. epel, despite his lower rank and duties to vil as his protégé, still has that strong spirit. he probably would just have another outburst at vil, attempt to challenge him, and/or run away. not to mention, vil genuinely cares about epel and loves him. he learns to embrace epel literally and figuratively, especially in chapter 6. sure vil would maintain a diet for epel and is extremely adamant on it, but vil isn't stupid. he wouldn't deprive epel of his right to eat sufficiently, or hold him to the strict diet vil maintains. vil would personally curate a diet suited to epel's needs and tastes. vil's watchful eye would probably sense if epel was struggling with his diet and would ameliorate that by either making changes to it, or talking to epel himself. rook is also there to gently chide vil if he ever did come to this (NO HE WOULD NEVER...) it's just. rggrgrhrghr. vil just wants you to make the best of yourself. follow basic hygiene. plus size? doesn't matter to him, as long as your body serves you healthily. skin full of scars? if you want a serum that helps clear marks, he'd readily provide you some. if you don't want it, atleast hydrate and keep your skin clean. crooked teeth? just remember to brush and flush regularly; if it impedes your health or self image, braces would help. point is, he wouldn't care in "fixing" these bodily "flaws" or other traits that do not personally align with what he holds himself to, but rather a general state of wellness and the effort in taking care of yourself so you are both satisfied with yourself and make the progress you are capable of. sure, he'd recommend it, but if you don't want to, he likely wouldn't bother to press you. because he just. wouldn't!!! do that to you!!!!!! if it's not in your interest to change that part of YOU, its not in HIS!!! and if you have any sort of mental illness that impedes your ability to take care of your hygiene, he would NEVER think of you as lazy! he'd very likely want to help you out of your rut! he does not like people who have every right and ability to make a change, but do not. or people who intentionally wallow in their own shortcomings. he does not have anything against people who are struggling mentally and emotionally! you are facing obstacles out of your control and as long as you make the effort to overcome them, even if it's the smallest step, even if you stumble and fail, even if you need time first, that's all he needs. that you try. if you do, he will, and he won't give up and as long as you won't. he's so pookie bear i want to roll him up like sushi and sell him on the conveyor belt for 2 dollars and 90 cents

YEAH i think people are like. a little too quick to make characters ooc for angst. like longtime followers of somehowmags dot tumblr dot edu will know that i am a frequent complainer about people making characters ooc for cheap angst but damn ive seen Some Shit. not as much in the twst fandom as in other fandoms that will be immediately apparent if you scroll down my blog for two seconds but there have been some abysmal takes from twsties as well.

i think people who have this take are misinterpreting vil putting nrc tribe on a diet for vdc (im NEVER calling it sdc my deepest apolocheese to the eng localization) which...i'm going to be honest with yall. granted i am not a dietician i read that in the same way that people do diets when theyre participating in athletic competitions. if you were training to run a marathon, you would probably try changing your diet a little to help you build up your strength, which is the same thing vil is doing. i think its intended to be more of a strength building diet, not a weight loss one. and again as a fat person and as someone who has been put on diets i get the kneejerk reaction of disliking diets, but i don't think that's whats happening here

ultimately i get why people think about vil but by god i do not have to like it alkdsjdfhlaksdfh

#asks #twst #tw ed mention #tw diet mention #tw fatphobia #<- pls ask if u need me to tag more alkdshflkashdf

[blnk338]

Blnk, do u have any advice for young/starting writers?

for specifically reader inserts, try to go as vague as you can, or include EVERYTHING. what i try to do is include things like knowing multiple languages in RWYS-- which actually ends up perfectly for Reaper because she likes to know as many languages as she can-- or have the option of knowing them (with the exception of a few for plot stuff!)

similarly to that, i also try to include things like varying hair lengths, non-descript skintones, and including things like durags/bonnets into the story so its not like "here's my blond-haired blue-eyed white girl whos skinny and sexy with a GIANT ass and GIANT boobs"-- while some things are based around the story-- like some muscles and stuff, i try not to give a specific body type to my inserts. but being fat, being skinny-- neither of those mean you aren't strong (PLEASE!!! go look at the top athletes of the world!! the weight-lifting category is filled with fat people!!)

i know it feels like rambling, but its crucial to remember that its not only people that look like you who wanna read this story, its all kinds of people. its good to be open, anyway, you know?

when it comes to writing in general, i recommend using the tools that are available and work with yourself. my basic writing process goes as such:

bullet point everything in whatever app you use-- i also have a bunch of reminders of ideas, so i go through my phone and put them into the bullets as well

write everything in word

go over and add details

edit a first time

input the words into AO3's editor and go over it a second time, this time, however, with the Grammarly add-on

i suppose one thing that i learned is that generally, you aren't going to get hate and you don't need to be afraid of it. saying this here and now, I've so far gotten 0 hate messages or anything (knock on wood LMAO) of the sorts. with that, criticism is important to take, but people who send messages or asks like that don't mean it in a poor light. if they wanted to be mean, they'd be mean. of course text doesn't show tone quite well (and if I've ever come off as rude, I'm terribly sorry for that)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was afraid too for a long time to be fully into my own story for a moment. i was afraid people would complain that rigo was trans, or i was afraid people wouldn't like that i made reaper bisexual, and i was frankly very afraid that people would send me terrible messages about my story, but i haven't gotten anything like that. this isn't twitter where people are sent threats for posting what they want, and you don't need to be nervous.

with all of that being said, writing should be fun for you. if at any point you lose interest in what you're writing, but you feel obligated to keep going because you posted it: don't be nervous, and don't force yourself. things happen and sometimes stories drop, and that's okay! life moves on! and hey, maybe it's not done forever. maybe you get burnt out and you gotta slow down or take a hiatus-- don't worry!! whether you come back to that or not, there will still be people out there who want to read what you post

plus it's fun to see how far you've grown as a writer. i can say that even from the start of RWYS, I've improved significantly! and while i edit the old chapters to make them more legible, i have the original copies of the chapters on my computer still!

have fun, love your work, and love yourself :)

#asks #rwys asks