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queer-starwars-bracket · 8 months

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Queer Star Wars Characters (Round 2): General Bracket Match 29

Sabé | Identity: bisexual | Media: Queen’s Trilogy/Darth Vader comics

Sabé, born Tsabin, was a member of a family of musicians who set their daughter on the same path. However, she was only skilled enough to ever have a supporting role and instead volunteered to be one of Queen Amidala’s handmaidens. She became Padmé’s most trusted operative, pretending to be the Queen during the Invasion of Naboo. After Padmé’s term as queen ended, she remained her operative and worked with Tonra, a member of Naboo’s security force, to attempt to free slaves on Tatooine. They eventually made contact with the White Suns, a Tatioone slave liberation movement. When the Clone Wars began, Sabé once again acted as Padmé’s decoy when Padmé was away from Coruscant conducting an investigation. There she learned Anakin and Padmé were married. However, to make sure Padmé didn’t have her closest confidant, Palpatine blasted Sabé’s brain with the Dark Side until she didn’t want to work closely with Padmé anymore. Sabé spent the rest of the war helping the White Suns.

After Padmé died, Sabé founded an organization known as the Amidalans- a rebel cell consisting of Naboo (including some of the other handmaidens), who sought to avenge Padmé. They attempted to assassinate Vader (who they deemed responsible) on multiple occasions. Sabé focused on deception, preventing to work with Vader to find Padmé’s killer and infiltrating Crimson Dawn. until she figured out that Vader was Anakin. Remembering how Padmé’s last words (which had been recorded) was “There’s still good in [Anakin]”, she decided to actually become Vader’s operative. Her given reason was that the Empire and Vader did bring order to the galaxy, but it is just as likely she is following her queen’s last order to attempt to bring the man she loved back to the light. She remained by Vader’s side even when her fellow handmaidens came to “rescue” her. Her last appearance in the comics was Vader abandoning her on a beach until she could decide to fully commit to the Dark Side (emotionally speaking). Sabé had crushes on a handful of people and even a romantic relationship with Tonra, but her most important was her romantic love for Padmé. These feelings were requited, with Queen’s Hope creating a love triangle where Sabé represented ideology and duty and Anakin was selfish love. As we know, Padmé chose Anakin, but a deciding factor was Sabé’s self esteem being temporarily shattered by Palpatine. Her wider moral view seems to have degraded after spending over two decades focusing on avenging Padmé instead of joining the wider Rebellion. However, even working for the Empire, she hasn’t gone completely evil yet- doing things like pretending to kill a bunch of refugees to gain their loyalty instead of actually killing them.

Vernestra Rwoh | Identity: aroace | Media: the High Republic Phase I

Gifted Kid SyndromeTM. Vernestra Rwoh is primarily a character in the middle grade High Republic novels (as appearing in the YA Out of the Shadows). A prodigy, she solves the problem with adults having to be out of the picture in middle grade novels by being one of the youngest Jedi Knights ever- being knighted at 15 after an unusually short term as Stellan Gios’ padawan also from an abnormally young age. As a padawan, she would fall unconscious when traveling through hyperspace and have visions, something that resolved itself on its own (unknown to any of the characters, this was an unrealized ability to navigate hyperspace). Following a vision from the Force, she secretly modified her lightsaber to become a light-whip.

She was on the Steady Wing, a diplomatic ship, that blew up and killed all of the adults. Working with the prodigious inventor Avon Starros, Honesty Weft, and the padawan Imri Canatros, they survived and captured the Nihil who sabotaged the ship. She also talked Imri down from the Dark Side and became his new master, despite their similar ages. During the Attack on the Republic Fair, she joined Ram Jamoram and Lula Talisola, who both looked up to her, in restoring communications on the planet. Later, she and her Padawan investigated a gravity well generator the Nihil were working on. During that time, her hyperspace visions were reactivated by Mari San Tekka. She was with the old woman when she finally managed to die, denying the Nihil any new Paths. She gave Venrestra one final path.

Later, following visions of Avon being in danger, she and Imri found that the Nihil were kidnapping children to be made into recruits on the planet Dalna. By leading the Jedi of the Dalna temple to the camp, they were able to alert Starlight Beacon and evacuate the planet before it was geologically destabilized by the Nihil’s kyber crystal experiments. She was in the top part of Starlight Beacon when it was destroyed and participated in the group effort to hold it together. She presumably escaped.

As a prodigy, she had the maturity and serenity expected of a Jedi. Fear didn’t trouble her, but she struggled with self-doubt, wondering if she could really be a Jedi Knight and Master to someone the same age as her. She also understood not to let her friendship with Avon cause her to be more worried about her than the missing children on Dalna (commentary with how her being aroace doesn’t make her immune to attachment). She was also a terrible pilot. She has been confirmed to appear in Acolyte.

#star wars #sw #the high republic #sw thr #vernestra rwoh #sw thr phase i #sabe #padme amidala #darth vader comics

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korodere · 3 years

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kamukomahina gender/body headcanons

a bit of a ramble about my body, gender, and general appearance headcanons for them bcuz someone sent me a curiouscat prompting this 3k words of hyperfixation nonsense

Komaeda:

- He has a naturally lithe body, with a thin waist, broad shoulders and hips, which give him an hourglass. and a rather andrognyous body, which is "lucky" for him, because I hc him as nonbinary and gender non-conforming

- Gender-wise, as I said, I think he's nonbinary. Usually I do view Nagito as AMAB but I indulge in transmasc Nagito from time to time depending on my preference and how much I wish to uh, well, project, lol. But either way I think he would use he/they pronouns in a western sense. In japanese, however, they don't use third person pronouns that other people refer to them with, and in canon he uses the first person pronoun "boku", which is a "soft" masculine pronoun, in comparison to the "hard" masculine pronoun, “ore” (which Hajime uses btw!) which fits quite nicely, in my opinion! Also, in Japanese, you can be 'fluid' with your first person pronouns depending on the situation, so I think he could use more neutral or feminine pronouns should he desire it, too, to play on his gender non-conformity.

- Komaeda is very secure in his gender, regardless of being AMAB or AFAB. He does not care about stigma, or discrimination, he does not care about being "accepted" by broader society. Broader society is sort of meaningless to him, the average person and their ideas about gender and presentation and effeminity mean NOTHING to him. Whether or not a random person the street genders him correctly or treats him with respect is sort of, pointless? Because to him, most ordinary people are pointless nobodies. Their thoughts do not matter to him. I think he is still prone to insecurity, however, when around his "betters" but I just struggle to think he would degrade himself in regards to gender. to him, it's the least of his problems. what he cares about is hope and talent. He could dress femininely or wear makeup or straight up crossdress and not mind it, really. He thinks people would find a problem with it are the problem, because why does it even matter? It speaks to the way Komaeda is detached from societal norms & "normal" people, he did not grow up in normal circumstances, so he doesn't interact with the world normally by any means. he can mask and act normally to the best of his ability, often unintentionally?, but he simply does not fit into broader society and doesn't seek to.

- Komaeda loses weight really easily, and doesn't gain weight that well. This is mainly due to his many illnesses but also the medications he's been put on. He has a low appetite and burns weight rather easily, even though I headcanon that he eats like garbage (mainly junk food & takeout, since he obviously cannot cook). This makes him overall, health wise, not very healthy, and stick thin because of it. A stiff breeze could knock him over, tbh.

- He has a lot of faded scars, self-inflicted or not.

- Pre-despair (in HPA) he is fairly healthy but still lithe, and progressively his body deteriorates through his 2 years of hopes peak before the Tragedy begins.

- During the Tragedy itself, his body is at it's worst. he is almost nothing but bone at times, barely kept together by a need to live so he can see hope triumph. His weight fluctuates but he's very unhealthy. He's not anorexic or on death's door, but he's not well off, either.

- After being put into the neo world program, right after waking up, he's very, very thin and gaunt. he was in a pod on feeding tubs for an indiscernible but at least probably a month's worth of time? So he's just very weak, like he could collapse if he moves too quickly.

- But a while after waking, he goes into remission, and starts to gain more healthy habits due to being rehabilitated and cared for by Hinata, and gains some weight, finally at a healthy, normal weight. I still think he would struggle with putting on too much weight, but I am slightly fond of the idea that he gets a bit of healthy pudge after a while. To him, it's so foreign being healthy, that he honestly think something's wrong with him at first.

Hinata:

- Hinata has a very... average body, true to form. His hips and waist aren't too pronounced but he has a loosely "hourglass" shape, too, just not as exaggerated as Komaeda's in comparison.

- Gender-wise, I am EXTREMELY fond of transmasc Hinata. While I think I portray AMAB Hinata more than transmasc Hinata (in art and writing), I still firmly prefer transmasc Hinata. The reason I think portray otherwise more is just out of comfortability, but I've been getting better at comfortably portraying FTM Hinata. I have some reasons I prefer it and think you can extrapolate it from canon, but let's get into that

- Hinata, in my eyes, has an arc and story that fits perfectly into him just. Being trans. His desire to be someone else, someone better, someone he can proud of, and the way he overcompensates for himself and has an extreme inferiority complex would easily lend to him having similar feelings about his gender. To me, Hinata is a trans man who overperforms his masculinity out of insecurity and a need to pass. I see him as someone who would strictly use "he/him" in a western sense, which is lended to by his use of the "ore" pronoun in canon, which is almost hypermasculine.

- Even if he were AMAB, I think it still works, I think he's still someone who's insecure and tries to assert himself more strongly and therefore performs masculinity in a way to appear more confident than he is.

(side note: I actually read a bit about queerness in Japan and how it relates to gender performance and the use of pronouns, and read a bit about how queer women in japan tend to use "boku" and "ore" to perform masculinity, which I find neat. “Ore” was also sometimes used exclusively to show anger and dominance, which is why it's categorized as a "rough" pronoun. I think Japanese language, gender, and expression, and how those all relate to one another, are extremely interesting and if you get the time you should read about it lol)

- Body-wise, pre-despair, I think Hinata would. not have top surgery, obviously. I think he has a fairly average but leaning a little on the hefty side chest (pre-op) and binds it, hence the '91 cm' (but also he still has 91 cm post-op because bazongas). I also just think he leans on the "twunk" side of things at this point, not buff but not stick thin or without muscle, just kind of average with average strength and all, though I think Hinata would've tried to do sports and stuff to find his talent so he's in shape :)

- My personal, kind of amusing, but also kind of... thematical? Headcanon, is that during the Kamukura project, he also underwent gender transition. to be honest, while it may not make sense in modern Japan, I think we can suspend our disbelief for fiction, and also make the argument that Hinata's "transition" into Kamukura CAN be read, in some part, as relatable or at least familiar to the trans experience. Iit is not out of the realm of possibility, either, to assume that because many bits of society in Danganronpa are advanced (specifically science, is extremely ahead of our understanding, almost sci-fi like at times) certain attitudes about gender and sexuality can be smoothed over more in a Japanese context.

(side note: I also think that science-wise, we can suspend our disbelief, and assume that top surgery and bottom surgery are much more advanced in this universe, given the almost unbelievable levels of science in Danganronpa, such as memory wipe, mind control, completely realistic virtual simulation, um literally everything about Kamukura which is body modification and brain modification to an extreme, etc. I think it's kind of fitting within these to assume that... Hinata/Kamukura could just, gain a functioning penis, lol)

Kamukura:

- Kamukura would have a. "Perfect" body. it's stated, I'm pretty sure, that they modified not only his brain but his body, because he needs to be able to perform every talent under their belt with ease, and his strength, instincts, technique, are all superhuman. So it's clear to me he'd have a buff body. toned muscles and all. He wouldn't really feel a need to keep it up, though, but I think since they're very... artificial (basically fucking steroids?) they wouldn't fade from a lack of keep-up.

- Kamukura also rarely ever is injured, but when he does, his body heals rather fast and can care for himself adequately, because again, his body is modified to a point of almost inhumanity.

- Gender wise, Kamukura genuinely does not care. however, I am not one to think that Kamukura is "a different person" from Hinata, rather, he is separate from Hinata, but an extension of Hinata as well, proven that he experiences some of his emotions even if subconsciously and without understanding them. he isn't a different personality or person developed in Hinata's body, but a very traumatizing, repressed, and manipulated version of Hinata given a new name, with memories repressed. He's like Theseus's ship in human form---if you get rid of everything that makes someone themselves and replace it, bit by bit, is it the same person? Technically, yes, but... truly? Who knows.

Because of this, I think Kamukura would have a leaning toward masculine gender performance (in canon, in fact, he uses the soft masculine pronoun "boku" in stead of "ore" like Hinata) BUT I think he is still very nonbinary. In a western sense, i think he would use he/they pronouns, but not really care if someone mistook him for a woman, I suppose.

- His appearance, unironically, is very nonbinary or "he/they" to me because he's wearing a suit, the archetypal form of masculinity, but has extremely long hair, which is considered feminine, and speaks softly (dully). Of course, the bishounen "pretty boy" appearance isn't uncommon or considered less masculine in japan, I think, but there is still a different between soft masculinity and rough masculinity in japan, which lends itself to being interpreted sort of gender non-conforming by western audiences :)

- Kamukura, due to his apathy, struggles with self-maintaining, but as we all probably know i am extremely attached to KamuKoma and thus headcanon that Servant helps him, sort of like a royal servant would royalty in the old days, take care of himself by bathing him, brushing his hair out, grooming him, etc. partially out of duty, partially out of appreciation for Kamukura's body, and partially out of maintaining his sort of "perfect" look since Kamukura, especially post-Junko death, is perceived widely by the public as the new leader of the ultimate despair, even if he is ambivalent to such a title.

Post-DR3 Hinata/Kamukura combined:

As I rambled on about previously, I don't think that Kamukura and Hinata are separate people or personality, I really dislike the interpretation that they are like a "split personality" or operate like DID, because they do not "form" like DID, but also in canon, are not portrayed as separate people.

In post-dr3, Hinata instead says that he is both of them, because he is. Kamukura is Hinata, always was, but had been given a new, false identity, had been stripped of his previous self, his memories, his personality, and crafted into something new. but that did not "split" his brain into two people. It simply repressed who he once was, and made him someone he now was. But when Kamukura regains his memories, his past self, through the means of the new world program by restoring his own memories after SDR2 concludes and he wakes up, as well as doing the same for everyone else, he decides to be "Hajime Hinata" who he always was, but carrying and shouldering the weight of what "Izuru Kamukura" had been, become, and done. Hinata *is* Kamukura, he answers for Kamukura's wrongdoings, his crimes, as something he had done as a different person who's mind operated differently, due to being artificially suppressed, modified, into an apathetic tool for the scientists who made him, and later and aimless, bored individual who simply sought meaning he did not have in the unknown of what despair would be at it's climax. And if hope could overcome it.

As such, I think, when Hinata's self is brought back into the mix, and he now deals with Kamukura's apathy and boredom in part, but much less consuming and much less often, I think hinata is less staunchly "masculine", does not overperform it anymore, and is trying to understand what his past means to him, what his present is, and what his future will be. I think that Hinata would still primarily use he/him (or still use "ore" in Japanese, as it's also a means of his personality, which is a bit rough around the edges and blunt), but be more ambivalent to rigid gender expression, still finding comfort and idealness in masculinity, but not be made dysphoric or feel frightened, uncomfortable, with non-comformity or anything like that. being boyish, masculine, is what he enjoys, but he's comfortable in it now, doesn't need to prove himself or overperform it. He can explore nonconformity without feeling like his gender or masculinity is at threat, even if it's not his preference outright.

Body-wise, I think it's safe to say he retains Kamukura's muscle and all, but Kamukura didn't put much effort into the everyday machinations of being a human being in general, and Hinata is much more fond of food than him now, eats more often, and I enjoy the idea that he gains a little pudge and has a kind of "dad bod" almost, post-DR3? lol.

Both for Hinata and Kamukura I don't see their bodies as “bara” or overly buff, masculine, but a kind of comfortable middle ground between twunk and hunk, lmao. I think they're also averagely hairy, not overly so, very lightly. kind of well groomed, and all. Hinata, pre-despair, put not so much effort into his appearance but still some, especially in trying to pass. (In fact I think his hair cut looks like a home job, all choppy and stuff, which fits him in my opinion, something done by his own hands even if messy and imperfect, he still prefers to be in control of it. also fits the trans headcanon tehe).

Izuru put very little if any effort into himself, only the bare minimum necessary to function, but servant helped him upkeep it to a perfect standard. Hinata, post-dr3 now, finds himself putting you know, an average amount of care into himself and his body, enough to be healthy, but not overly critical and conscious of himself.

Komaeda i have always seen as someone who takes a good deal of care about himself, merely if to alleviate the "disgust" of his appearance and body, by practically preening himself. He is someone who is good at cleaning and seems to appreciate clean and well kept spaces, so I think he would have a similar attitude toward himself. even if he is insecure, and of course, struggles with mental health and may slip at times in his routine in keeping himself well-kept, I think he still maintains an appearance for the most part, at least in his later years (teen to young adult). An argument can be made that he cared less in his adolescence because he had much more apathy about the world, but when he gave himself a purpose with hope and talent, I think he would care for himself a little better, even if his was spiralling mentally.

His hair is always washed, it is just very curly and prone to mess, so it often looks like perpetual bedhead, even when he combs and brushes it. His skin is soft even if a little worn by his tendency for accidents & injury, it's still soft and almost luckily so, and he takes pride in moisturizing and cleaning himself. His skin is a little sickly, still, and I think that despite having blemishes, scars, etc. Komaeda manages to look pretty in a strange way, not conventionally beautiful, but almost ethereal? He's just *pretty*, there's no way to explain it, he is nice to look at even with all his "flaws" and imperfections. Even when he's sickly and bony, even when his cheeks are gaunt or his hands shaky and weak, when his hair is a tangled mess or his clothes are dirty, he's nice to look at in a way that's nonconventional, and it's sort of mesmerizing.

Hinata I think is very average but also in a way that's nice to look at it. He's not ground-breaking hot or conventionally attractive, he has a good body, a nice face, and hair you could play with a little if you wanted. I think what's appealing about him is his normalcy, he's not trying too hard or "gifted" gene wise, but he's just kinda nice to look at, he's enjoyable to be around, an understanding person, or at least tries to be even when he fails, and despite having flaws, insecurities, blunt, he is someone you're drawn to because he's one of those people that's just, easy to talk to? An emotional anchor, almost. The kind of guy everyone kind of knows and has talked to at least once, even if you're not friends with him personally, not because he's cool or popular or anything, but because he's a normal dude who's easy to trust and talk to.

Kamukura, on the other hand, is intimidating, appearance wise and personality wise. he looks, strange, anything but normal, his eyes are red and his hair is this dark cloud that envelops him. His face may still be that plain one Hinata has but faces can be changed by the surrounding attributes as well as expression and such is true for him, with his apathetic and cold expression as well as otherwordly characteristics, he comes off as much more beautiful in a dark way, kind of? In a way that's intimidating or a little daunting, but he's still very beautiful. mesmerizing.

okay, thats my ramble. ty.

#nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #izuru kamukura #komahina #kamukoma #headcanons #my headcanons #kota.txt

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questionthebox · 4 years

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How I really talk.

a few things, I want to make note of,

1. the notion of life or existence being a simulation is meaningless, as the word “simulation” doesn’t mean the intent, of what we all think it means, just google the definition, if life were really a simulation, no rules of “abstract reality/morality” alongside the fact that advanced science should already if this was true be able to understand it, and modify it, the way I put mods in my Skyrim, if life were truly a simulation, there would be by random chance, junk or glitches spread, no computer that I'm aware of, can simply run things this smoothly without glitches or crashes happening at points, if this was really being ran by a computer ? which is never specified when scientists speak of a simulation, they never specify what a simulation is machine wise, is it a super duper computer, or some sort of artificial intelligence, wouldn’t our super computers pick up mathematically if life was a simulation ? I'm just spitballing here, but I'll go back to that, if this was a simulation, why the inherent sense of morality and reality ? because I can mod my Skyrim so that I could kill anyone at will, and no one notices, lastly this notion of simulation, begs the ultimate question of why, perhaps our leading psychologists can answer this, but I don’t see why a “God” or “Gods” would do this to this extent, if we are indicative of the simulations, simulator, then that “God” presumably has the same sense of morality and reality that we do. my true feelings on life and its existence, is that of what the buddha said, of the unknowable questions, if anything, these questions will arise once different advance civs collaborate on them, if they the advance civs actually exist.

2. I feel weird when the notion of experience is thrown around, but somehow I have a lot of it, don’t know why, but I guess I always put myself in the, well actually I do know why, some people chase thrills, I chase narratives, but there’s something ive been encountering, people in my generation that have no experience whatsoever, in particular Sexual, which confuses me, considering how overly sexual things are, I'll be frank here, in that ive heard from many their little pussy ass sob stories, on their “experiences” I'm going to do something controversial here, and blame the victim, you people are just fucking weird, I realized that, it has nothing to do with all these grandiose things, you’re just weirdos, and cowards, who are afraid of life, who won’t grow up, Sex is part of growing up, its not this thing done to you, or that you do onto others, Sex is about the freedom of adulthood, its about looking at oneself as adult, and putting aside the bullshit, that distracts, and because these people have no experience all they have, is friends who are bland, trivial things like, video games, or whatever media these weirdos consume, its almost as if they’ve totally bought into being a passive audience member, that consumes, they are the true definition of a consumer, I'll put it like this, you’re never going to get me to fully put myself into anything that isn’t SEX, like I'm never going to treat College as I would Sex, because College and the people in it, are muted, boring, anal, and that’s it, in repeat, ive personally figured out a way to operate within this system, without it, affecting or defining what I do in life, in life, I chase narratives and people, and experiences, in life, I'll spend a week at a beach, doing drugs, writing a book of poems, you’ll never hear me talk about “BABY YODA” .

all that being said, its still weird to encounter, I'm 28 btw, people who have scarcely had SEX, and who want to have SEX with me, like no I'm not going to have sex with you, because your just a pussy ass spiritual asexual who wants to be a vampire and leech after my spirit, and trust me, there’s many of these people,

which leads me to this, my generation is a true “LOST generation”

from the totality still living with parents, of which I live with my dad, to all the things we are denied, to the unhealthy bullshit we have access to, and its even worse for the generation under us, those kids are dumb little weak pussies, and I mean piss dumb, they only know some fucking ghetto rapper, saying “yeah” over and over again, I fucking hate young people, I hate the attention paid to the young, I hate how they determine culture, just the way of perception, the young are weak, how many times have I told or tried to motivate people to do shit, how many times did I use to tell miss Agnes Varda, im a 29 year old writer woman, stuck writing romance novels, meanwhile I live with a ugly ass boring husband, she should write and make films,

and this is what Jen wants to be “young” ha,

over the past few years, ive found myself in an “entanglement” with a middle aged woman, who wants to be two things, an artist, and a young woman again, and I understand the first desire, and I know she is an artist, but the second one, I find to be utterly deranged, because the young of today offer nothing, who would want to be among them ? which reminds me,

last Semester of college, I was in the gallery, at the desk, surrounded by my classmates, all young people, it was national coming out day, and there was this door, people were taking pictures with, like going through the door to represent “coming out” and they all sort of gathered around me, to discuss, their insular little realities, with one bitch saying she was ASEXUAL, which I have a funny story to tell about her, that girl, was plain, a real plain Jane, and if you know me, you know how warm and nice I am, and so I paid her a compliment one day about her hair, and the next day, she comes all jazzed up, hair long, showing stomach, the whole 9 yards basically, trying to get my attention, and its like bitch you just made a whole thing about being ASEXUAL, and her deal was honest to gods truth, she didn’t want to grow up, the bitch just spoke about anime and cartoons, like yuck... ok then there was the little gerble little rodent looking bitch, who went on this long winded polite thing about being pan sexual, and this person is the definition of those people you meet at college who only care about being some ass kissing do goober who does their work and goes beyond doing the work, they treat it like a lifestyle, I had to listen to that bitch claim she’s “Pansexual” which made me laugh, because your only saying that because your ugly as fuck, and can’t get no dick or pussy if you tried, then the other weak ass followers chimed in their little polite coming out stories, and I'll never forget this, this dude, taps me on my arm, and says “yeah who’s really straight now anyways”

which leads me to this

I AM motherfucker, and yeah ive had queer experiences when I was younger, but that was due to just being experimental and fun, but as a 28 year old man, baby you best believe I love VAGINA, I love DOGGY, but they wouldn’t understand that because they ain’t never had it, or had anything good, honest to gods truth ive had some fire ass women, because im a fire ass nigga, I once made a woman, during a love making session, that started in the early evening, and continued to the next day, cum according to her, like 20 times, NO CAP... and that was just me being completely entranced and let loose, because love making is a feast, ive been lucky and you know what ima speak as a MAN, I was lucky for the first two women I really had, and one in particular, to have had women with absolutely knockout bodies, I mean this woman had d cup breasts, nice hips, ass, long hair, she did modeling originally when she lived with her aunt, I mean god damn nigga, and to just be young and experience that, because it was levels to this shit, it wasn’t just fucking, it was lets give each other a bunch of orgasms, because were genuinely super fucking attracted to each other, it was shit where I would be going on my intellectual rants and she would just start randomly kissing a nigga passionately, I remember the first time she did that I was like WTF, and she was like well I ain’t never heard anyone talk like you before, its passionate, and that was just one woman, in these 10 years, from 2010, til now, do you know how many groovy women ive been lucky to experience life with,

you think I just say shit, you think I write poems about ELLY, I write poems about her, because I know there’s shit her and I will do, that's super far out, from witch pagan shit to all kinds of shit, like niggas don’t have any sense of romance and imagination,

like its like people don’t care to know life as something beautiful in a collective sense,

im a communist because I can see life as that, you get me, all the shit I complain about, is this the shit I see that makes life not worth it, im choosing to stand up at risk of total alienation and people hating me, to say look it can be more then this.

MOTHERFUCKERS...

#poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #my thoughts #prose writing #metaphysical #rant post

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windwardstar · 5 years

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Bouquets and Beads: Gender and Sexuality in The Star Verse

And a new addition to the “world building nobody asked for” series. This is a breakdown of how each culture approaches gender and sexuality and then various symbolism and vocabulary. Uh. It’s pretty long. 1800 words. So it’s below a read more.

Bouquets and Beads: Gender and Sexuality in The Star Verse

Warring Lands:

Warring Lander society is “ok” with people having relations with whoever they want (but only sort of). Men are expected to be faithful to their wife and monogamous once married. Women don’t have the same expectation when married and are free to carry on affairs with whomever they choose. Everyone is still expected to reproduce, so anything that brings that possibility into question is seen as something that could jeopardize the possibility of producing children. This is more of a thing in the upper classes, where inheritance and lineage is a thing and adoption for inheritance is an unheard of abomination. For the lower classes, it’s not technically allowed and technically frowned upon, but it’s done and there are legal ways to do it. The elite could also do it, but they’re more sticklers. Society is matriarchal, lineage and inheritance is passed mother-to-daughter, and treat men as disposable property to an extent.

Their cultural associating with gender and sexuality as sorted identities comes from the Cloth Halls and the system the original sex workers set up as a way to indicate who they were and what clients they were open to. It then came into wider use outside of the initial context. It’s a system of colored glass beads on a colored ribbon. The colors were picked from prominent spirits at the time of the founding, although they have been modified and added to since.

So colors:

Yellow: masculine, male, mlm, gay (Ber from Tand, Iyaan Parraich) Light Pink: feminine, female, wlw, lesbian, (Xing Mei/The Tea Lady) Purple: nonbinary, inbetween, liminal gender category Blue/Green: nope (The Blue Man alt name for The Wandering Man, The Green Dragon)

(Originally, yellow and pink only indicated the gender of male or female but upon wider use came to become shorthand for mlm and wlw respectively, and the blue/green was a way to signal that the person wasn’t available for that specific service.)

Later Bead & Thread Color

Blue - strict aroace Green - grayspec

White - trans (Oslen) Brown - m-spec (Trader adoption)

Blue and Green can be used together or separate as they’re seen as shades of the same color. White and Purple can be used together or separate, although with just the white, the person would be assumed to be binary trans and is the one that tends to be braided/twisted with ribbons of the binary color they identify with, and the purple, the person would be assumed to be non-binary. White also came in later due to the original color scheme not separating cis and trans for the binary genders. White came about later when people started using it to self-identify.

As for the words people use to describe themselves, they generally take the adjective (color) and turn it into a verb (present active generally - al). They can also take the name of the spirit and add the present active verb ending (al) to it, turning it into something that’s recognized as “orientation”. And within their culture, an orientation is seen as the being the concept. So like, Xing-al would be recognized as “lesbian, bi/pan wlw, woman who loves other women”

For people attracted to multiple genders, they can string the colors together. They have also adopted the use of Brown from the Traders.

Generally speaking, cis-straight people don’t really use the beads and thread as the queer community has largely claimed them and it’s not really approved of.

Sun Desert:

The Sun Desert is much less caring about gender and sexuality and romance than the Warring Lands. Like, they really don’t care at all. Be what you want with who you want. It’s pretty normal for men to have relations with other men while on the hunt and women to have relations with other women while on the boats. Some people want to continue the relationship after the journey, others don’t. It varies. But, well, long distance relationships without phones or the internet have a tendency to fall apart so they tend not to last. And while the hunts and the boats are the most common place for those relationships to start and exist, they’re not the only place.

Due to the association of the hunt with being a man and fishing boats with being a woman, their idea of feminine and masculine are likewise linked. Femininity is associated with boats, sails, fish, and the sunset and sunrise. Orange is the typical feminine color. Masculinity is associated with the hunt, spears, cacti, and the color green.

Generally, it’s given that people are m-spec and will have relationships with whoever. Men who are exclusively attracted to men tend to be called hunt-lovers or green men or green-heart. Women who are exclusively attracted to men tend to be called boat-wives or sun-wives ro orange-heart. People who are straight or don’t have relations on the boat or hunt tend to be called home-hearts. It’s main connotation is that the person only has a relationship with one person who they are exclusively monogamous with so they don’t have relationships elsewhere. So it can apply to people of various sexualities. They generally don’t have terms for aroace people, so they tend to get lumped under home-heart or just say they’re not interested in anyone or anything. And if they want a platonic or romantic-only or sexual-only relationship with whoever, they tend to just use the existing language structure.

Traders:

For the Traders, gender is a spectrum, specifically the spectrum from blue to green. Male is on one end, associated with the land and the color green. Female is on the other, associated with water, the ocean, and the color blue. When you mix water and dirt, you get mud, or muddy water, anyway, it usually ends up brown. And the wind has no color, but clouds tend to be white or gray.

Male - green Female - blue Nonbinary/Intersex - blue-green / teal / brown

So then they have the concept that trees, which need water and earth and wind and light to make them grow tall and strong are symbols of life and community, and leaves are representative of love of all kinds.

Their stance is generally, love is love, gender is whatever, if you don’t have kids of your own just help take care of the others in the group/caravan/ship. Their words for orientation are generally the noun associated with the gender, or the gender, plus the word for love.

So a gay guy expressing that could say “Ik-sen oba rela” (I, me, love green.) Which would mean “I love boys” in the sense of being gay. “Ik oba rela” would be (I like green) which would mean “I like green” in the sense of the color green.

Stone Lands:

Like the Warring Lands, the Stone Lands has as strict sense of gender and sexuality. Of what makes up the natural family way. Which of course means that terms for the queer community totally exist. And unlike most of the other cultures, they have a specific distinction between cis-straight people and the queer community.

They do have a gender neutral gender case for neutral animate, which is generally used for animals, but has been claimed by gendery people.

So, the patron spirits of secrets is The Lady of the Rose, who also happens to be a bi trans lady. So she def has a soft spot for the community. As such, it’s generally called the Rose Community.

Rose / Rosy / Floral tends to be a general queer term. Thorny / Thorned is also used.

Flower pot, flower, gardener were initially derogatory terms (and some of them still are) but have also been reclaimed as identities. Because flowers are cool.

“A whole bouquet of secrets” or “in the garden” is the “in the closet” concept.

Sappy is a term used by mlm, as are hearts-of-amber and sweet which both reference the sap, which is derived from the (derogatory) term Sap Sucker. (Brown/Amber/Gold would be a pride flag color.)

Tea Rose - also leafy, used by wlw based on the fact that The Tea Lady is also a big figure in Stone Land society and green and pink are both feminine colors and Tea Lady colors. So the Tea Rose and tea leaves are symbols, as are light green and light pink.

Due to a lot of cultural flow from the middle of the continent, the concept of trans people being Speakers For the Birds has kind of migrated a bit, with the adjective “feathered” being a slang term for being trans.

Empire:

In the Empire and Imperial Controlled Land, Marriage is a business or political deal, at least for those of any social standing. Generally, they talk in metaphors of euphemisms.

“A warring lander” “a white-haired queen” wlw or aro/ace woman - after the matriarchal society where women are free to mingle with whoever they want or don’t want. “Board a ship,” “travel with the traders” means queer in some way, rather leave than marry who they were matched with, also the Traders are pretty openly queer. “A feathered bird” “a singing bird” trans, queer from the middle of the southern continent. “Wears beads” from the system the Warring Lands use. “Like flowers and tea” “likes spending time in the garden” from the Stone Lands. Basically, anything to avoid stating things explicitly.

Of course, the general population tends to follow the system of the group nearest them.

Dark Island:

Gender and sexuality are complicated and varied there, and the terms they have are like shortened syllables arranged together to make a word and it’s like man, woman, nonbinary likes man, woman, nonbinary, multiple, none

Like:

Mama mawo manon mamu mano Wowo woma wonon womu wono Nonma nonwo nonnon nonmu nonno

But with like the words they have for gender and shit.

Which requires worldbuilding...specifically, conlanging…which I haven’t done for their language

Qiv would be “no-no” because of their relationship with gender (which is FUCKING COMPLICATED WHEN YUR GENDER IS TIED T YOUR ROLE IN SOCIETY AND YOU COMMIT TREASON AND ARE CAST OUT OF SOCIETY)

No gender, no attraction, no-no

Western Lands:

They’re a mash of different cultures given that they’ve been scattered and also their original culture didn’t really have a concept of gender as a default thing, thanks to the whole communal vs individual identity and the nebulous concept of love.. like it was all just fluid and shit

Spire Mountains:

Haven’t worked them enough to know, but I think they have a pretty fluid concept of gender and sexuality as a society. I’m not even sure what living in such close proximity to the magic fog would do as far as having a static physical body goes since spirits /can/ reshape if they wish… and magic allows the modification of matter...

#star verse: worldbuilding #worldbuilding nobody asked for #star verse: warring lands #star verse: stone lands #star verse: sun desert #star verse: imperial empire #star verse: dark island #star verse: spire mountains #star verse: traders #star verse: western lands #star verse: slang

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stimtoybox · 7 years

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Your blog is safe haven for me. It means so much it makes me tear up!

Oh, anon. It means everything to me that you said that, it really does! I’m tearing up!

The horrible thing is that I don’t have a good, easy answer for you. I wish I did, but I struggle with assertiveness in verbal conversations, especially when I feel unsafe. I’ve been bullied by my family my whole life for my autism. For needing to have the same pillows to be able to sleep. For not eating a varied amount of foods. For finding things too loud. Right now I’m in a kind of quiet war with Mum because she can’t understand that I don’t just dislike her perfume - it makes me sick. Because she doesn’t hear me when I tell her it does make me sick (as in she hears the words but they don’t fit her worldview, so they don’t have meaning for her) it looks as though I’m being nagging and demanding when I ask her not to wear it. That lack of comprehension, that feeling that I am being demanding, results so often in teasing or just blank refusal to accommodate us.

The terrible, tragic, utterly unfair truth is that we can’t make someone else understand. There’s a high chance that this may not work, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that. We can’t make someone else listen. We can only try to present the information in ways they’re more likely to accept, but if they don’t, anon, this is not your fault. Some people will not understand, no matter what we do.

I am assuming, anon, that you’re verbal enough to have a spoken conversation, although I think everything below applies for most other methods of communication. I’m choosing to focus more on verbal conversation because that, as wrong as it is, is largely the only sort of conversation these sorts of bullies accept and is more often the form in which you’ll be forced to have this conversation.

What I do know about assertiveness is this: subtlety and politeness does not help you get what you need. Hinting, suggesting, adding five pleases and five thank yous … the social rules we’re taught about being polite, respectful humans don’t teach us how to look after ourselves. Be direct, say as few words as possible and don’t bother yourself with their feelings. (They’ve shown that they care little for yours.) The best ever response to a cis straight dude lecturing me about how “that’s so gay” isn’t offensive was me snapping and going, “I’m queer. I don’t like it. Stop it.” No arguing, no debating, no explaining, no attempt to justify why I didn’t like it. He stopped, then and there.

(Note: “say as few words as possible” is unfair. ND communication tends to be indirect. We generally talk in many words, extra detail, repetitions and tangents. See this entire blog as a case in point! We should not have to master their preferred (direct) communication to be heard, but results are better for us if we can. I say this because I’ve done assertiveness training with a couple of different psychologists, and they’ve all taught me direct communication without ever acknowledging that my natural, indirect communication is valid - that the problem is the bullies’ unwillingness to comprehend me, not my method of speech. So I will acknowledge it here. We communicate just fine. They just choose not to understand us and force us to jump through extra hoops to be heard. And that is a thousand kinds of wrong, but it’s better for us if we can attempt to jump those hoops, in terms of effectiveness.)

When we hint and suggest, when we try to be nice about getting people to respect our health requirements, people have this strange idea that we’re not serious about it. People think that extra words and extra politeness means it’s not really necessary to accommodate our request - even though this thing is so important to us that we’re smoothing it over as much as possible in the hope that they accommodate us. This is largely because they don’t want to help us, so anything that isn’t direct bluntness is used as an excuse to not bother.

So we don’t give them those excuses. We say what it is we want. We don’t be rude, we don’t be aggressive and we try our hardest not to be angry (they’ll use all those as excuses to not listen to us, too) but we say what it is we need as simply and clearly as possible so they have the fewest possible excuses to avoid accommodating our needs.

If you’re dealing less with bullies and more with people who can’t comprehend how they’re creating a toxic environment for you, it really helps a lot if you can offer up a solution to the problem, something they can do in response:

“The noise from your game is bothering me. Can you use your headphones?”

“Your perfume creeps into the whole house. Can you spray it outside?”

(Please note: if the solutions are not workable for you, don’t offer them. But if their using headphones cuts down on the noise driving you to distraction, it’s in no way unreasonable to ask them to do this.)

If you can make these comments without judgements on the thing making your space unlivable (you’re making a bloody racket, your perfume stinks) this is more likely to work. Mum’s perfume smells like petrol to me, but telling her that makes her wear it more, not less. Take that from hard-earned experience!

If you’re dealing with bullies or there is no modifying action they can take other than to not do the thing, just tell them to not do the thing. Don’t try to justify; keep explanations brief. Don’t mock them, don’t rage at them, don’t accuse them of anything or get sarcastic. Try, as hard as you can, not to cry. (As a serial crier, this is incredibly difficult and ridiculously unfair, but my family has the magical ability to stop listening to me as soon as tears leave my eyes.) Just tell them directly what it is you want:

“I don’t like it when you tease me about lights. Stop it.”

“I need you to turn down the speakers.”

“You know why I stim. Stop turning it into a joke.”

“Don’t use this scent inside the house. It makes me sick.”

Be direct. Unless your stims are causing them stress/discomfort in some way (I do not mean NTs being bothered by ND people daring to be ND, but something like the sound of your spinner causing irritation) you’re under no obligation to compromise here. (All of this is impacting your health, comfort and safety. You don’t compromise on those things.) I do recommend that you pick your battles in the beginning: work on those things you truly can’t stand, and leave those things you can tolerate grudgingly for later on. Pick one thing, if that feels more comfortable for you, and start with that before moving on to something else.

Anon, this is going to be really hard. I’ve done this stuff, and I know it works, and I still struggle to apply it on a regular basis (consequently, the perfume). It requires communicating in a form of communication (verbal speech) that is genuinely difficult for us. Script it. Write it out in a journal. Practice speaking to the mirror, or a soft toy if you’re uncomfortable looking at your reflection. Practice speaking to a friend, if you have one with whom it is safe enough to do this. Practice saying (speaking, not just writing or thinking) the words. If you spend three weeks practicing saying the words each night, you might be surprised, one day, at how they just slip out when needed.

Lastly, this might not work at all. Bullies be bullies. It says nothing about you if they don’t change in response to direct communication. Nothing. Unfortunately, it’s all on them, because you’re already going to an extreme amount of effort here to try and communicate what you need (something you’re already telling them through words and voice and body language - you’re telling them; they’re just refusing to listen) in ways they’re more likely to hear. If they don’t? Absolutely not on you.

Anon, you are entitled to stim. If you’re not causing someone else or their possessions harm and you’re not being disruptive, you’re entitled to stim. It doesn’t matter if this is fidgeting with a fidget cube or swaying while you talk or windmilling your arms. Toys make our stims a little more acceptable, and that’s why they’re important, but they are not the be-all-and-end-all of stimming. You have the right to stim without enduring abuse (bullying is abuse) for being yourself. Absolutely.

Thank you, by the way, for this ask, because this was something I think I needed to write out and relearn for myself.

If anyone has any better advice for our anon, please comment. But, anon, we’re cheering you on, okay? Because you deserve to be safe, happy and accepted. You deserve to stim without being bullied. You deserve to live in a comfortable space. It’s wrong that you have to fight so hard for this, but the stimmers in this little corner of the internet are so cheering you on. And if I can’t make you safe anywhere else, I’ll try my hardest to make sure you’re safe here.

- Mod K.A.

#ask #anon #text #discussion post #stimming discussion #ableism discussion #abuse and bullying discussion #neurodiversity discussion #long post #very long post #not a toy #off topic #mod K.A.#queer mention

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jiskblr · 7 years

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6/6: Gender/Sexuality

Worldbuilding prompts

I mentioned previously that every major language is a descendant of the lingua franca of the Carthaginian Empire. (Well, most of them are contact languages with whatever the vernacular was, but several structural aspects were kept almost everywhere.) This has a major impact on gender, because Old Punic had a twelve-gender system based on the moons and word types. This has been influential enough that international culture assumes that everyone uses them.

Naming the typology is somewhat tricky because I don’t have good names for them, so by reference: The outer moons, which are not tidally locked but which are fixed in relation to the sun: The dawn moon, over 8:00 AM; the dusk moon, over 4:00 PM, and the night moon, over midnight. The inner moons, locked in relation to each other and tidally but moving at 2:1 in relation to the outer moons: The basket moon, the face moon, and the staff moon.

The standard system correspondence:

transitive verbs, the dawn moon in day, active martial masculinity intransitive verbs, the dawn moon at night, decisive judgmental animate nouns, the dusk moon at night, nurturing fertile femininity inanimate nouns, the dusk moon in day, enduring solid stolidity adjectives, the night moon at night, poetic sensitive mysticism numbers and determiners, the staff moon at night, academic Spockiness measure words and classifiers, the staff moon in day, bossy precise organizers conjunctions, the face moon in day, chattery social butterflies topic/tone particles, the face moon at night, insightful therapist-y confidants adjective-modifying and verb-modifying adverbs, the basket moon in day, loud creative performers relational adpositions, the basket moon at night, physical fidgety makers catch-all, the night moon in day, special-snowflake paradoxical mysteries

These have varying specific stereotypes by culture and language, but cross-linguistically have grammatical marking for each (usually as a syllable or vowel in an adfix which denotes both grammatical gender and the part of speech). Stereotypes are fairly strong and occasionally create problems, and until recent decades it was common to assign a gender based on the timing of the birth and mobility was low, but recently a choose-your-own-moon movement has gotten significant strength, and in cosmopolitan areas it is considered normal to pick whichever category best fits you and use fashion choices and speaking style to make it obvious.

For sexuality:

The relationship that is most “correct”/normative is a procreative marriage between one person whose gender is a day moon and one who is a night moon, from the same "circle” of three (dawn/dusk/night or staff/face/basket). There has been a long-set expectation that the night moon in day catch-all category, “Wanderers”, will do their own weird thing and have their weird same-gender relationships, and the LGBTA+/MOGAI/queer movement name is “Six-Moon Wanderers”. (”Dodged a bullet there, amirite?” - Anchor residents.)

In general, each of those normative pieces have a share of something being considered weird and out of the mainstream. Nonprocreative marriages, day/day or night/night relationships, cross-circle relationships, same-moon relationships. (I’m sure that there is internal 6MW debate over which are the most important to oppression, just like there’s debate over whether Wanderers have privilege.) There’s some historical precedent for romantic lionizing of three-person “whole-circle” relationships, which has led to stable triads being considered slightly weird and not government-supported but generally more socially popular than less structured polyamory.

For people’s actual attraction, there’s a strong tendency for procreative attraction (80% of long-term relationships, 60% of short-term ones) and most genders have a noticeable biological sex bias. (Especially dawn-in-day and dusk-at-night, which are named for traditional deities analogous to Ares and Demeter and are strongly historically associated with biological sex; both of those are about 85/15.) Most people have a preference for particular genders like most people on Earth have personality and body type preferences, but other than the social pressure toward traditional pairings there’s no statistical pattern of attraction preferences being different between genders. (Ares/Demeter relationships show a somewhat stronger pairing preference than other traditional pairings, and they’re the stereotype for both Chad/Trixie frat culture and hyper-traditionalist conservatives. Socially promoting them as more traditional is popular among conservatives, but this is ahistorical and only showed up along with the Six-Moon Wanderer movement.)

#jisk worldbuilds #anchors #this gender system is very convenient for clarity of pronouns

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h0lybasil-blog · 7 years

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Facts Are Not Feelings

The double-edged sword of activism linguistics.

QUEER LANGUAGE

If you know me at all, we’ve probably gotten into a conversation about linguistics at some point.

I’m particularly interested in the way language affects our ability to connect with one another, and how what we say influences how we feel.

A lot of activists in the queer community are also quite concerned with linguistics, and it’s an issue every person seems to relate to differently.

This morning, I woke up to a thread of Facebook comments on a casting call I posted, requesting “male bodied humans”.

The word choice was intentional. I didn’t want to ask for “dudes” or “men” because a fair amount of the dudes and men I know have vaginas. While I love them and want to celebrate their bodies and experiences, this particular project required someone who inhabits a biologically male body, regardless of how they identify their gender, which is a totally personal detail, and doesn’t have a lot to do with the body you inhabit, in my opinion.

Usually, when I’m at work, I am usually “in drag” as a cis-woman - I am dressing the part that society expects when they see my physical form. I’m comfortable with this! I’m also comfortable when I leave the house in jeans and a backwards baseball cap. Because I don’t identify as either gender, dragging as both can be a fun experience, and a powerful way to play with image.

I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m doing my best.

How I choose not to identify seems to cause confusion in people who aren’t up on the “in-group slang” (aka people who exist within the bounds of mainstream culture) — I’m not a man, not a woman, not a feminist, not a liberal socialist, not an anything, really, as I believe identity politics only lead to frustration.

But Tate, didn’t you just tell us all that you’re “queer”?

Yes! I did. That is an identity. You caught me :) While I claim my queerness, I am still a human first. I think that might be what I mean by identity politics — letting a facet of your experience become the lens through which you interpret and interact with the rest of your experiences.

This is hard. I want to be kind and respectful to everyone. I also want to be able to express myself in a way that feels authentic.

This next thing is difficult to say, because I know it will upset some people who are passionate about social justice:

I’m tired of being yelled at. Especially on the internet.

Today, I was accused of marginalizing and contributing to the physical harm of trans people. Going back to labels and identity politics, I don’t choose to call myself trans, though multiple people have told me that technically I qualify as transgender, since I don’t fit into the socially expected gender of my body. I don’t identity as trans because I think that while the word may have a more inclusive annotative definition, it is my perception that transgenderism has been culturally understood as males who identify as women, or females who identify as men.

Let me take a minute to explain this, before you start scrolling to the comment section to tell me that “female” and “male” are improper ways to describe people’s bodies.

Male/female are the medical ways we describe most of the population’s genetic sex. To be crass, a person usually has a sex organ that is either an innie or an outie, and that sex organ usually determines the balance of hormones they have in their body, and the shape and appearance it takes overall. Taking out of the mix people who have modified their bodies with hormones and surgery (fuck yeah for the freedom to body modify!), I am fully aware that individuals exist who’s bodies generate hormone imbalances, or are intersex.

These people are valid, and I care about them. I care about everyone. I want all of us who feel less than supported and celebrated by our current social/political/economic system to be free from whatever is telling them they aren’t allowed to reach their full potential. Just because someone is different than you doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be respected.

A lot of people prefer to use “AFAB/AMAB” or “DFAB/DMAB” — assigned/designated female/male at birth. To me, these terms are practically analogous with “male/female bodied human”, though I can see the argument that FAB/MAB is more inclusive to people who are intersex, as it acknowledges their being marginalized/erased by the medical system.

So why use the clunky term “male/female bodied human” if it causes strife?

Well, I use “female bodied human” to refer to myself, as I find it to be validating of my gender in the many situations where I am qualified for participation due to my female sex, regardless of the fact that I don’t identify as a woman. Work, for one, when it involves playing a role, as it often does. (Quick shoutout to Asia Kate Dillon for using their notoriety to leverage a much-needed change in the entertainment industry!)

Just because a silly string of words makes me feel comfortable, it might not work for everyone. And I think we need to be okay with that!

PRONOUNS

This is something I have struggled with. I prefer “they/them/theirs” pronouns. It’s awkward to ask people to use what feel like foreign language to refer to me. Most who aren’t a part of the queer scene will be confused by me “referring to myself as multiple people”. In a lot of ways, that feels accurate and comfortable for me — it feels like a truer reflection of my multi-faceted human experience. (Not that cis-gendered people can’t have multi-faceted experiences…)

I don’t ever expect perfection, nor total understanding, but if someone wants to be in my life, I do expect them to try. It’s hard to understand someone’s existence that you can’t relate to, but that’s where empathy comes in. While pronouns may be tricky, I don’t think it’s hard to understand someone’s desire to be seen as their true self. I think everyone should have the opportunity to identify however feels authentic, and also to have the freedom to disengage with people who don’t desire to respect their self-perception.

It’s all personal choice!

I identify as human, and I use my human capacities to work towards the greatest good for all humans, as far as I can understand it. Seems simple, right?

As it turns out, not really. Society is big, and takes time to change. We do change, though! Less than one hundred years ago, I likely would have already been jailed for taking one of my love interests on a simple date. In this country’s short existence alone, we have come to see women as more than property, black people as more than slaves, and homosexuals as more than perverts. I know we can do this gender thing, but it’s going to take work.

In the English language, we regard pronouns as a “fixed class” of words. This isn’t technically true, as “fixed” in this case just means “harder to change”, not “permanent”. More than two classes of pronouns for humans is so new to the mainstream, it’s still just a little larvae of a concept. We have a while to go before alternative pronouns are a butterfly of language, free and easy.

EDUCATING THE MAINSTREAM or COMPASSIONATE ACTIVISM

This is not something I ever thought I would say, let alone publish, but I want to publicly thank my mom for getting into a comment debate on my Facebook page. She brought up some valid points, properly gendered me, and was gracious to a stranger who (I believe with good motives) angrily typed in her direction.

Let me paint a picture: my mom is a self-described “boring 52 year-old” real estate agent who lives in San Diego. It has taken years of learning how to share my feelings and preferences with her to help her understand my perspective and experience. The conversation has spanned over a decade, and took a lot of incremental retooling as I became more comfortable with myself, as well as a better communicator.

I started with yelling at her as a teen, and slowly moved through stages of avoidance, confrontation, and finally listening to her — letting her teach me how to ask for what I want from her. We have learned to meet each other halfway in our vastly different life experiences. While one of her best friends is publicly gay, she doesn’t have access to the young, queer scene up here in Los Angeles. Hardly anyone does.

In activist communities, there is a lot of conversation around wanting people who aren’t in the know to “self educate” before they even ask questionsabout someone’s life they can’t begin to understand. Have you ever thought that since these people are open and curious enough to ask questions, they might be worth a few moments of your time and knowledge?

I’ll be the first to admit, if I observe said person starting to speak combatively, I walk away. No one deserves to be the whipping boy of a bigot. I trust you, compassionate activist, to make the distinction between a naive, normal person and someone who is festering in their hatred for things they don’t understand (usually including themselves).

If we weirdos, as the self-appointed teachers of the rest of the known Universe, can take the time to educate ourselves on how to best express our thoughts and ideas, we might start getting somewhere. But please, no more yelling.

I’m not saying no yelling in general, just no yelling at people. If like me, you have neighbors, great places to yell are into a pillow, in your car, and that’s about it.

It is so explicitly important that we learn how to communicate in a way that invites others to experiences and revelations, rather than chastises them for not knowing the newest in-group slang. It’s not fair to be mad at someone for not knowing something that you didn’t know less than a year ago.

If you know something before others, congratulations! You get a chance to be a teacher. It’s one of society’s most esteemed — and poorly paid — positions. In fact, you’ll be doing this job for free. But you don’t care, because you believe in the cause of all people being treated with respect!

So, let’s start by mastering how we introduce our philosophical ideals. Let’s be kind and generous with people who we perceive to be less knowledgable than us.

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

I can’t recommend highly enough that anyone who does any kind of activism familiarize themselves with the concepts of NVC (Non-Violent Communication), which is self-described as a system of “skills that foster compassionate relating”. I’m not saying it’s a perfect system, but I think it’s a lot better than what we currently fumble with, which is a lot of blaming, name-calling, and CAPS ATTACKS — three things I’m sure your rational mind recognizes as inefficient ways to get people to listen to you.

But Tate, gender/queerness/feminism/racism/etc. are emotional issues! We aren’t allowed to be emotional about emotional issues!?

Yes, these issues have deep emotional ties, which is why the conversation is hard. I’m glad you have strong feelings about oppression! I do too. Let’s examine how we want to transmit our feelings about injustice to those who may not be so aware, in an attempt to bring them on our team of humanist do-gooders. (Yes, it’s probably because of privilege that they aren’t aware of the way that some people struggle. No, I don’t think using the word “privilege” is going to strengthen your argument. It’s still in-group slang.)

Calling someone an oppressor is not going to get them to listen, either. We have to stop blaming white people. We have to stop blaming straight people. We have to stop blaming men. Mainstream culture is a representation of the average social experience. Yes, we can look back and see that a lot of our societal infrastructure is the product of many years of non-consensual power imbalance, but that doesn’t mean that every straight white guy alive today has to pay for it. It’s no more their fault that our world is unfair than it’s your fault for being whatever you are.

I’m saddened by the number of awake, compassionate men I know who have expressed the only way they feel welcome in any political conversation is to shut up, and publicly reduce themselves to a string of insults, “I’m a hopelessly cis-straight-white guy”. Perpetuating the cycle of blame and shame is not what we need. We need everyone on board, inspired to be their most compassionate and inclusive selves. We can’t do this by alienating most of the mainstream population, a lot of whom are smart and have skills to contribute.

If you have someone in your life who you want to introduce to the concepts that have freed your mind from the oppressive systems at play, please treat them with the same respect you want to be treated with.

I often find this NVC formula quite helpful. Ready for a mini lesson?

Verbally identifying these aspects of emotionally charged situations — in order — has been extremely valuable to me.

Observation

Feeling

Need

Request

Observation: What this means is, first, I want to identify — without judgement — exactly what is happening. This is different than an interpretation of events, which is often how we defend ourselves when we feel our ideology or identity is being threatened. I’m not using this example to shame anyone, but because it is fresh in my mind, I will use the Facebook debate as an example.

With the use of NVC skills, the conversation might have looked more like this:

“I notice that you’ve used the term “male-bodied humans” to effectively refer to “men”. Some trans people have told me that this is not how they like to be identified.”

2. Feeling: Next, I like to relate how what I’m observing affects me. Not how the other person “makes” me feel, because that isn’t a real thing, but how I naturally react to what I’m observing.

“I feel uncomfortable knowing that some people might feel excluded or erased by your choice of words.”

3. Need: This is the most important part. Relating your feelings back to a universal human need, and acknowledging the other person’s needs establishes mutual respect and understanding. Helping your conversation partner feel seen and cared for will do the opposite of attacking them - it has the potential to open them up to learning something new.

“I recognize our need to be specific when referring to people, and to have clear concepts for effective communication. I also want to respect the needs of others to be seen and accepted with our use of language.”

4. Request: Lastly, this is how adults ask each other for things. We make requests. We don’t demand, and we don’t passive-aggressively stew in our disbelief that someone hasn’t already read our mind and acted perfectly according to our silent desires. We ask specifically for what we want out of the interaction, and are prepared to hear “no”. No ultimatums.

“May I request you consider changing the term you use? I can suggest a different term that might be more palatable to more people.”

SUBJECTIVE OBJECTIVITY

People are rooted in their personal experiences more than anything. We all experience our objective reality through unique, subjective lenses.

Because my subjectivity has led me to like the term “male/female bodied human”, it will probably take me a good amount of convincing that my preferred terminology (as someone who is already on the fringe of society) is unacceptable.

We run on an infinite treadmill of PC terms turning into slurs. It seems like each week another word goes out of vogue. We can’t get mad at each other for not knowing the latest, least “offensive” way to refer a person or concept.

We aren’t going to achieve equality by cyclically pushing people down and blaming them for our problems, which are all built on the backs of dead people. That’s why our prisons are filled to the brim with people of color. That’s why trans people are getting murdered daily. It’s not because I used the term “male/female bodied” (as a fellow “trans” person!) — it’s because we don’t know how to change the mind of the opposition.

This is exactly why political revolutions fail: the oppressed become the oppressors. Facts are great, but they won’t change people’s minds. People aren’t changed by statistics and lecturing. People are changed by personal experience — in other words, people’s opinions are changed by their feelings. (Ever wonder how Trump became our leader? Certainly not with facts.)

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