#but i wish i could talk about it outside of tumblr and super private spaces. but i dont like having to explain myself all the time to peopl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

selvesdiscovery · 7 months

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hi, i'm putting this on anon because people i know are highly anti-endo and i don't wanna out myself as being pro-endo. if you want to delete this feel free btw since i know fusion is a touchy subject for some systems

we're a system. we've been diagnosed with DID and told to see a specialist. said therapist who diagnosed us and referred us out is advising we peruse final fusion. we would do it... except the only reason why we would is because we fear nobody would ever like us the way we are (we're a very independent and private system. other than the host, all dating and such is done in system and kicking the host out of front is rare).

do you have any advice on that? i'm sure it eventually gets easier but i'm not sure how to make it easier. do you have any resources and advice on getting comfortable with being a system, and being comfortable sharing that with people (both other systems and singlets)?

thank you. just delete this if it's against the rules or if it makes you uncomfortable :) your comfort is important too

Hi! Thank you so much for reaching out.

This question isn't too sensitive or anything like that, and I see stuff like this a lot in the system world. Even I myself have dealt with similar issues.

What really helped me was 'coming out' to only a few really close friends. It gave us the space to talk about what goes on inside our head, and be honest about who we are.

Ofc, this isn't super helpful if you dont have really close friends. The second best thing I can suggest from personal experience is participating in the system community, either here on Tumblr or on Discord or wherever else, and working on being progressively more open there.

Those are both really vague and I'm sorry about that, the only thing we really personally needed to come out of our shell was trust, either already pre-existing or built from watching others live the same way as us.

Something else that really helps us personally when trying to get more comfortable with ourselves OUTSIDE of a social context, is encouraging the others to find their own way. That's why we made this blog actually. The best way to become comfortable both socially and personally with being a system is to foster a space for every headmate to live their most authentic life as fully as possible.

If you can, try inviting your alters to front with you, to try out new things that AREN'T related to trauma, therapy, or journalling (If you don't have a journal already, I suggest you look into that first and foremost). If you can't, you could always just wait until you cofront naturally to bring this up with them. Your headmates are people too, and the best way to make THEM stop feeling like less than or like something to be ashamed of is to help them grow.

As for your therapist, it sounds like she doesn't have your& best interest in mind. If you can, I'd look for someone who's comfortable with both fusion AND functional multiplicity as options, and can help you find the way you truly want to follow way better than I, some stranger on the internet, ever could.

Lastly, a fair disclaimer, DONT go about doing any of these things if you think you or your alters might not be entirely ready. If you happen to be newly discovered as a system, it might be good to take some time to learn about one another at a nice slow pace, first, before jumping into anything else. Be very careful, as much as selves discovery and branching out and growing as people is important to being happy how you are, it can be dangerous to some systems in certain situations.

I could understand though how these things may not be what your looking for, but since I don't have a ton of information on your personal experience I can't really get any more specific. If you're looking for more specific resources, I'd encourage personalized research, or going to a professional with your concerns, since the most I really have for this sort of thing is personal experience.

Either way, I wish you luck, and I genuinely hope you can find people who accept you as you are, and help you in your journey to grow. You& got this!

#tw fusion #tw integration #Mod Cyn 🔪#alters #headmates #did #plurality #growth #discovery #social issues

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babylyctor · 3 years

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can John actually control time or am i making things up? trying to reach a conclusion via tumblr posting

so as a theory this is 75% vibes. however there’s some things in the books that give me pause, and i wanted to put together all those bits and see if there’s something there. i’m not totally on board with this idea because it seems too complex to leave entirely to the last book, and i don’t know how it could fit with the rest of the narrative (or do i?) but in any case i keep thinking about it so here’s this way too long post. spoliers for everything

first, this fucking suspicious sentence that’s one of the first things John tells Harrow (Chapter 2, HtN)

"I would let you come back, bit by bit, until you felt entirely ready to wake up. I can’t. I mastered Death, Harrowhark; I wish I’d done the smarter thing and mastered Time. I have to ask you to get ready soon, and so I am going to show you something I hope might … trigger your readiness.”

so this sounds like a really dull complaint on this immortal god’s part but also i don’t trust a single thing out of this man’s mouth, and this would be the exact kind of private joke he would make if he had actually mastered Time (capitalized) too. Also the context in which it’s said, talking about Harrow coming back from her coma, regaigning consciousness, awakening... you get it, oddly relevant theme wise.

then there’s the whole Soup Moment (Chapter 25, HtN), in which John seems to actually stop time maybe? i have doubts about this so lets see what our narrator tells us;

And God said, “Stop.”

The world slowed down. Augustine and Mercymorn stopped, arrested in the act of half-rising from their seats. Ianthe stopped, left arm paused, outflung, to shield her face. You stopped, sitting upright in your chair: your bones somehow rigid and still, and your flesh chilly and rigid around those bones. The shrapnel spray from the Saint of Duty did not stop, [...] But what remained of him stopped too, half man, half rupture—his prurient details hot and white, naked insides clothed with the sinus-drying burst of the power of God.

so here John freezes all the lyctors in place, they’re still conscious, or at least Harrow is, but they have their range of movement almost totally restricted. this is not like Mercy pinching Harrow’s dorsal nerve to paralyze her, this is a completely different feeling, maybe John’s thalergetic powers? it would make sense, all the lyctors are living bodies, they have thalergy and Johs is able to manipulate that, presumably. the bits of Gideon OG cascading down the table don’t stop but that might be John selectively using his powers, or it might be that that’s no longer living flesh.

so we’re saying this could just be John’s super special thalergy magic and nothing else. the first problem though is that technically he shouldn’t be able to use it against his lyctors without touching them, thanks to lyctoral invisibility. in fact when he explodes Mercy’s chest (rip in peace queen) he expressely reaches out and touches her to do so, because presumably he needs to make contact with a body in order to use magic against it, same as Mercy. so that’s a caveat, then there are these descriptions from the same Soup Moment;

You stared down the table at him: at the blank, remote faces of your two nominal teachers—at the frozen ivory stillness of Ianthe, her hair now whitish pink—at space outside the window, where the asteroids themselves seemed to hang in tranquilized arrest.

The Emperor of the Nine Houses stood. The spell, whatever it had been, dropped like a white sun setting.

These seem to imply certain ambiguity. John’s God and all that but i don’t think thalergetic magic should be able to affect asteroids, lifeless space rocks. of course it says they “seem” to hang in tranquilized arrest, not that they are really unmoving, but i think it’s a suggestive sentence all the same, and i’m suspicious of every word Muir writes. The second quote, specifically the highlighted part, is also a bit frustrating. It seems to imply that John isn’t exactly doing magic as we know it, but something else. If it was Harrow narrating we could go further with it, but since it’s Gideon we could simply attribute it to her lack of knowledge and familiarity with magic. However, two sentences after that we don’t have that problem;

The construct gamely clamberign our of the Saint of Duty dwindled to a powder of pink dust. The shard you had been driving up the cervical vertebrae to the base of the spine [...] simply disappeared: destroyed or removed, you could not tell.

This is still Gideon narrating but in this case she’s specifically telling us that Harrow doesn’t understand what John just did, it’s not magic Harrow is familiar with. There’s also the contrast between what we know is a normal process of destroying a construct - reducing it to dust - vs this mysterious disappearance, that doesn’t really fit into what we know so far about the way thanergy/thalergy work.

so far, nothing conclusive, we know John is really powerful, but we don’t know exactly how, where his power comes from or what it can do. Then there’s the moment he unexplodes himself (Chapter 52, HtN);

White light.

It bleached the insides of your nose and the back of your throat. It hurt coming out your ears. It bled out your eyeballs. It wasn’t a flash of light, more … a suddenness; when it was gone—as though it hadn’t even existed, but had been a luminous hallucination—time stopped.

That light took colour from the room—everyone was a slow-motion cavalcade of greys, of eyes caught widening, of mouths parting in stone-shaded articulations of shock.

It happened in an instant. It happened over a myriad. A wet red construct knitted itself back together, [...]

again that white light that has been associated with thalergy magic and again all these references to time slowing down, stopping or just behaving in strange ways in general. again lots of ambiguity, this could be a thalergy based power - the ability to hold living bodies in stasis, and therefore make everyone feel like time has slowed down - or it could be that John is actually affecting time, maybe even reversing it (?) since he literally un-exploded himself, after Mercy put all her millenia of expertise into atomizing him and reducing him to almost nothing.

is that even explicable with regular thanergy/thalergy based magic? i’m not sure, a regular necro could never do that, a lyctor couldn’t do that. So if John isn’t just an overpowered lyctor what’s the difference exactly? i mean, how do his powers manifest differently from those of every other necromancer we know?

the other person we’ve seen using powerful thalergy magic is Silas. Whenever he siphoned, Gideon describes a similar vacuum sensation to the one that John’s magic also provokes, as well as white light;

As he faded, the pale Silas incandesced. He glowed with an irradiated shimmer, iridescent white, and the air began to taste of thunder. (Chapter 17, GtN)

Gideon felt an internal tug, like a blanket being pulled off in the cold. (Chapter 17, GtN)

Silas clambered to his knees, clasped his fingers together, and the feeling of suction popped the pressure in both of Gideon’s ears. (Chapter 34, GtN)

Silas is nowhere near as powerful as John but siphoning - thalergy based magic, condemned by God - still causes that suction effect and is marked by white light and lightning, just like John’s magic. However, there’s no mention of a time altering effect, no slowing down, no freezing in place, and seeing how both kinds of magic are similarly coded otherwise i find this difference suspicious.

To end this somewhere, two quotes, first, this thing Harrow tells Ortus when they both discuss what it must be like to be a lyctor (Chapter 5, HtN);

“Nigenad, what would be the tragedy in living for a myriad? Ten thousand years to learn everything there is to know [...] What is the tragedy of time?”

honestly to me that sounds like Muir making Harrow say things she will regret later. of course it could be about any of the numerous tragedies in Harrow life but still, gave me pause, specially because it kinda echoes John’s earlier sentiment, wishing he had mastered Time.

finally, a quote that might be totally meaningless and completely off base in this theory or it could round it up perfectly, i haven’t decided yet;

[...] ; yet you prayed all the while knowing Ianthe’s facility for tergiversation would have given the whole universe pause. (Chapter 36, HtN)

we know Ianthe is a girlboss and gaslighting is her thing. However, isn’t this sentence a bit too dramatic to describe Ianthe? doesn’t it sound kinda ominous to you? it definitely does to me, and although it might totally be my Ianthe bias wanting her to play an important part, who is Ianthe hanging out with lately? exactly John God “Jod” the Emperor.

in conclusion, i haven’t reached any conclusion. but i still think there’s something off with John’s powers beyond what we’ve been told, which isn’t much really, and i think there’s something going on with Time within the narrative (that’s another whole post though), and i think these two things are most probably related. but i can’t say i’m 100% sure of any of it. this was fun though. if you made it here thank you so much you’re the best <3

#the intermitent use of capitalization throughtout this wole thing...#this is really very long. if you read it and have any thought whatsoever about it please do share i'd love to hear them #htn spoilers #harrow the ninth spoilers #the locked tomb #meta commentary

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honeypoticns · 4 years

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i’ve been going back and forth for almost a year trying to decide whether this is a story i want to be made public, but between a message i got and what i’m seeing on the dashboard, i think i should share my experience with simvicii and oliveandoak.

i won’t go into too much detail, and i want to preface this by stating that i only heard about the second server a couple months ago, as my experiences with them lasted for three-ish months at the end of 2019 and ended shortly before christmas.

i will also say in advance that i don’t have any screenshots because this happened almost a year ago and i frankly didn’t think to screenshot anything at the time. you’ll have to just take my word for it, or not at all. either way, here it goes.

i made my simblr in september if i’m not mistaken and nicole was one of my first followers, always super nice and engaging with my content. meg was also my mutual, and i messaged her once i believe telling her i enjoyed her content (i used to just randomly dm people a lot then, something i’ve stopped after my interactions with them). i happened to reblog one of their ‘squad posts’ once and apparently they found my tags amusing because meg dmed me and out of nowhere invited them to their server, and i said sure. there were only 5 people including me, and that stayed the same for the majority of my time there (towards the final days i spent in the server a few more people joined, but we didn’t interact much).

i didn’t witness any racism, ableism, homophobia or antisemitism in my time in that server, but it didn’t shock or surprise me that they were capable of that sort of behaviour.

what i did witness was a series of toxic behaviours. they talked shit about other content creators and their posts and then i saw them interacting with them and praising them on the dashboard, for what i can only assume was “”simblr clout””. they viciously critiqued anything that wasn’t stereotypically “beautiful” and had no issues about it. they were extremely two-faced, but at the time i ignored it because they’d been nothing but extremely nice, considerate and supportive of me and for that i apologise.

a couple weeks after i was in the server, the mood shifted and i was made to feel like an outsider – the people there were friends, i was just tagging along. they had group projects and talked about doing things on simblr together and that conversation didn’t include me. i started doing timezone reblogs and they liked the posts while talking on the server about how trashy it was. i enjoyed my content more on the warm side and they talked about how ugly it was when posts were brown/pink tinted. it was a weird give and take that didn’t make a lot of sense and made me feel discouraged and embarassed about my content, but every time that happened they would turn around and compliment something else i did so it evened out.

the falling out we had was something that to this day has confused me and it seriously affected my mental health as at the time i was dealing with untreated anxiety, i was in the process of grieving my mother and had undiagnosed ocd, which in short means i wasn’t alright at all. i won’t go into what happened, but i will say that i was dropped without a second thought for virtually nothing (i accidentally called meg nicole and apologised a thousand times) with not even an explanation as to what the fuck was going on. i removed myself from the server because i could tell that meg was uncomfortable and i wasn’t going to stay there when it was first and foremost her space. i thought i’d hurt her, it was my fault, i had to leave.

what i find more telling is the experiences i had afterwards. i stayed active on tumblr for a month or so after this, but i began to be so anxious to even come online because of their presence and before i could talk myself into calming down i was blocked by meg out of the blue and softblocked by a few people i had no issues with, and who seemingly had no issues with me. after that i left and stayed away for a month or two (i don’t really recall).

when i returned, a friend invited me to a server and i met some really nice, supportive people who took the time to message me privately and apologise for ever thinking poorly of me because of what they’d been told by meg and nicole. that’s the sort of people they are – they’ll take a situation that held no drama, no confusion, no apparent casualties and talked absolute shit about me to people daily. i’ve been told that they talked about how they’d taught me everything i knew and then was a bitch towards them and how much they hated me.

when meg left tumblr i was comfortable being on again, and when nicole returned i left again. my interactions with them weigh heavily on me and still affect my mental health to this day.

i know i should’ve said something earlier, but at the time that i interacted with them i was afraid that i was going to get run out of this website because before the meg situation went down, heaven forbid anyone said a word about them. i still wish i had, as i know they hurt a lot of good people and perhaps i could’ve prevented that. i’m always gonna be sorry i didn’t say something, but i can’t change it now.

this has nothing on what’s come to light about meg and nicole’s behaviour, and it’s miniscule in the grand scheme of things but i’ve been holding this shit in for close to a year and i really have nothing to lose at this point by saying something. they’re manipulative, two-faced bullies and you can add that to their long rolecall of bullshit.

#bullying tw #mental health tw #simvicci #oliveandoak

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yndigot · 4 years

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REALLY THOUGH -- Tumblr is the worst place to experience fandom.

The thing about mailing groups and LiveJournal communities and and message boards was that I could go there and see a specific kind of fandom content and talk to people about THAT and bond with them about THAT.

Tumblr collapses all of that into a place where people are also talking about personal life and 15 other fandoms -- and I can’t follow you and reliably see the things you say that I’m interested in without ALSO seeing everything else.

And there are people where I’d probably be happy knowing LESS about your personal lives (and people where I enjoy it, admittedly, but there are far fewer of them).

There are times when someone reblogs something that I find super annoying, and I wish I could just go back to hearing their fandom thoughts, but I’ll never see their fandom thoughts if I unfollow.

There are also times when someone reblogs something with a very particular context or audience in mind, but I am outside of that audience or not privy to the context, and it doesn’t come across to me at ALL the way they want it to because they weren’t thinking about me reading it at all.

In a mailing list, no one saw all your off-topic BS unless you were close enough that you were privately emailing each other off the listserv. On LiveJournal, you could post openly in communities and then keep your personal life on a personal blog that could be locked and only viewable to people you had a personal relationship with.

This all allowed us to have a private space and a public space, and conversations that were focused instead of scattershot, and to build friendships around an interest before dumping our whole lives into someone’s lap. It meant that you could dump a bunch of random thoughts in a relatively private space that was separate from your fandom space, and the people who saw it would be people who understood the context and the way you think and WHY you were saying the things you were saying instead of broadcasting every passing fart to the world.

That was wonderful. This is not.

I miss my old fandom friends and the communities I was a part of. It’s probably been a good 8(?) years since I felt part of a community in fandom or had a good number of friends in fandom rather than just being focused on consuming and producing content.

#i might be fandom old

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thenonbinarydetective · 4 years

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MID Overview/Review

Ok so I redid it because tumblr broke the first one. Luckily, it gave me the oppurtunity to fix some of my grammar/spelling mistakes.

It’s actually even longer than before.

I’m thorough what can I say?

besides please read this it took a while.

· On the menu’s Extra Section there’s a trailer for Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase (2019). A movie that came out way before this game which is kinda funny

· The movement is a little janky, to put it in professional terms, it’s a little fast and jumpy. It took a bit to get used to the navigation.

· The problem with the movement really jumps out in the end in the tunnels. I could barely get my cursor around the Hardy Boys or even Mei.

· Also in the tunnels, if I went slightly off trail the game would FREAK out. I wanted to look around the tunnels and maybe get a bad end but our Sleuths but I couldn’t look around without being yelled at.

· This happens in other mini games and puzzles, whenever you mess up the characters make a snarky remark in your direction. Every. Single. Time. It would be funnier if it was only on a few occasions but it was every time I “messed up”.

· The graphics were obviously terrible. They also were variable…Somethings looked kinda okay and somethings looked awful. Like the quality changed from time to time. Sometimes even in the same frames. Frank, graphically, looks better than some of the other characters. When he and Joe stood next to each other, they almost looked like they didn’t belong in the same game. This goes for some of the other characters too.

· I don’t get why Frank was always in that pose? Everyone else stood awkwardly but admittedly it was a bit more normal. They stood with their hands towards their hips like how people typically do. Although there was a few times where people just grabbed their wrists for no reason.

· As someone who loves mythology and folklore (and pretty much anything that can be tied to into those) it was really cool to see the Malleus Maleficarum or The Hammer of Witches in the game. I wish it actually had more use in the game and maybe helped in some way. I know the book did some terrible things but it is an interesting read. As I do own a copy of it.

· Also my birthdate was used on the puzzle. Which was cool. It’s fun to be born on special dates. Except my birthday isn’t part of the solution but that’s okay.

· There’s a couple times where Nancy(and Frank) starts talking about clues or reading things out loud before I got the chance to look at them which was super annoying.

· The game crashed multiple times while playing

· The closer look at the clues was nice but was only okayish for me. It didn’t always work that well. Besides I’ve seen other games with the same function that worked smoother.

· I’m not a big fan of the new chat format. I prefer the old way. In this new format a lot of the dialogue options were getting cut off or the option didn’t fully describe what Nancy was going to say so I didn’t know what I was choosing.

· The text boxes were a bit buggy and there were times I couldn’t click on some of the dialogue options.

· The cutscenes were slow and the game had WAY too much talking. There was more talking than gameplay. The game was honestly just walking and talking

· �� I liked the text messages, they were fun and cute but they didn’t add much to the gameplay

· Lots of objects were clipping into each other

· Loading screens were always glitch

· The audio was off a lot of times. There were times when I could barely hear the characters over the background music or ambience sound. In Austria, I called Ned and Carson and I wouldn’t have even known they were speaking if not for the subtitles. Even after lowering the music and ambience sounds specifically and I still had this issue.

· Also Ned’s voicemail has changed. Did he make up with his sister?

· There were a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. Almost every other written thing (books, pamphlets, and notes) had some kind of mistake. Hotchkiss’ book is one example.

· There were times when the pop-up text box was harder to read than the written thing. Not all the paragraphs were spaced out far enough in the boxes but were fine on the written thing.

· No “Can’t check that off yet.” The Checklist was unusable by the player. Unlike every other game. It did it automatically which wasn’t fun. I liked using the checklist.

· The game was so linear that I couldn’t really look around or do my own thing. When one thing was down you were immediately shuffled to the next thing. It basically made the checklist unnecessary.

· Terrible Animation. People moved for no reason. Just stuck in the same cyclical animation over and over and over again. They were pretty janky and awkward. Joe was the worst for me, he was constantly twitching on the screen. Frank was stock-still in comparison. No one else was that bad.

· Many of the mouth movements did not remotely match what the characters were saying. Sometimes nonexistent.

· Everyone’s EYES ARE SO WIDE. IT’S LIKE THEY DON’T HAVE EYELIDS. THEY’RE SO OPEN.

· The Parry’s curtains glitch in the sink. There’s a few plants that look weird, they had a neon glow on them. Olivia’s hands are always clipping through her robe and hair. In Moosham Castle there is a thing that’s inside a table. Both the Hardy Boys’ feet (and maybe other characters) were entirely in the ground at times. There were plenty of other problems like that.

· If I looked around a certain way while everyone’s talking at the Parry kitchen table Frank’s entire body disappears with the exception of his neck and watch.

· Some of the windows had a view of the town outside but other windows have this shine that you can’t see through.

· I’m not thrilled about the bystanders. Only the protest guy really helped. Over all they didn’t add to the game or help me at all.

· Dr. Hirst’s silhouette was kinda weird

· Also why did the game start in Austria??? That’s just weird? I thought we were just gonna start with Deirdre calling us but whatever

· I really hate the needless and honestly misplaced drama. Why couldn’t we talk to Ned and why haven’t we talked to Ned. It really pissed me off. Why would you put this directly after Ned’s whole “I Love and Support- This Could Basically Be a Proposal” Speech in Sea of Darkness? It’s just super off

· Not to mention the fact that the “Francy” moments in this game felt super forced. I don’t like what it does to their characters too. It feels like Ned isn’t trusting Nancy, which is crazy because he trusts her with his life. Frank is the more awkward Hardy Brother but that was ramped all the way up. Also Nancy completely ignoring Ned? What? They don’t feel like themselves here. It’s just off. This tone should’ve been brought in so soon, chronologically, after SEA. It’s out of place.

· Who was the female voice that was in the phone call with Ned? That was never answered. Was that a drama plot that was unfinished? Why not take it out of the game if you’re never going to resolve it? Why start an unnecessary relationship drama that’s both half-assed and unfinished?

· It’s kinda weird how in the end Nancy leaves the Parry house and calls Ned and we can hear her side of the conversation but not his. She’s just talking to herself.

· The phone friends were basically useless. If it wasn’t for the flashlight and the checklist I would say that Nancy didn’t even need her phone. And I guess talking to Damian Faulkner. 95% of the calls I made just went to voicemail. I want to chat about the case, talk to my friends, and get hints like we used to. I didn’t even know we could call Dr.Hirst about the ergot poisoning. I only found out on accident. I don’t know how many conversations I missed. Calling people used to feel important but here it doesn’t even need to be in the game it’s so useless.

· Just because this bugs me I don’t like the Hardy Boys starting their own detective agency. They began their work by working for their Dad. Who is a private investigator/private detective. Who runs a Detective Agency. Why would they start their own?? If you’re gonna make this a family business why not make it a family business? Right?

· May February, 1692 was an actual date they used. I think it was supposed to be February and they changed it to May. Earlier in the same note they used May so I’m guessing they didn’t properly finish the rest of the note.

· The lockpick game was visually glitch for me and the game itself didn’t work that great for me

· Joe’s hair makes him look like a fake blond lol. There are parts of his head (by the nape of his neck for example) that have brown hairs. Also some parts of his hair didn’t load properly on occasion and underneath was brown. Did he dye it?

· Which brings me to my next point. The hair was animated horribly. Frank and any of the other short and simple haired characters were okay. But probably only because they had short and simple hair. The longer haired characters were not as well animated.

· I randomly got double the Johnny Cakes when I made them. So Teegan and Olivia got extra.

· I will admit that making the Johnny cakes wasn’t the worst cooking minigame we’ve had in the games before.

· Frank getting the Frankenstein ones were a little obvious. It also didn’t feel as personal as the other ones oddly enough. We had a fun little dialogue about the design with everyone but Frank. He just got some cringey “I’ll eat these right away” kind of dialogue.

· I wish the truth serum was actually useful. Solving Tituba’s poem and going a bit out of the way to get the ingredients led me to believe it would be used for more than some “fun” dialogue choices. Joe and Deirdre are the only ones to use it. Which leads to some cute moments in which Deirdre admits she actually kinda likes and admires Nancy. I love her. Joe says he always tells the truth (no) so he doesn’t know how to tell if it works. I love him.

· Maybe it’s just me or the audio was off but Carson sounded different in Austria than he did in Salem.

· The use of the ergot poisoning was kinda of awesome. It’s one of the most popular theories on why Salem went bonkers and it was interesting to see it used to trick our favorite sleuths.

· The note to save Deirdre didn’t appear when I clicked on it. Frank (and I think Joe) reacted to it but it didn’t let me examine it. The bug fixed itself by closing the examination and clicking on it again.

· I love how the “ghosts” were handled. Especially them being hallucinations. My favorite was in the cemetery with the Hardy Boys and Olivia. The screen got kinda weird and everyone started to get worked up and really tense. They started fighting and you could see Abigail before they did. The build up to it was fantastic. The other scenes were cool too.

· The tunnels where the “ghosts” jumped out at every wrong (and sometimes right) turns while you’re desperately trying to escape the tunnels with Mei was pretty awesome. One of the jumpscares even got me.

· THERE WAS NO ENDING LETTER. She wrote a letter to Ned in the beginning but she never wrote a second one. Sure we sorta got to see how everything turned out at the party but it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel properly ended.

· I lowkey ship Jason and Mei. I could totally picture the two of them making out in those hidden tunnel rooms beneath Salem. Not just because I would too. This easily could’ve been another unfulfilled romance sideplot.

· Some of the books/notes really didn’t feel that helpful. I did learn some new things about Salem but I don’t feel we used the knowledge we gained properly in the game.

· The Jack O Lanterns were fun.

· The parallels between the Judges of the Witch Trials and Judge Danforth was a pretty interesting plot point. There definitely is a difference between accusing witches and accusing someone of arson when they were 9.

· Teegan’s guilt for both the shed and Hathorne house was something I didn’t really expect. It was a good plot twist. I can see how it was hinted earlier on by Lauren who says “Teegan likes to protect what’s important to her, sometimes that’s Mei.” Sometimes being the key word.

· The Hardy Boys being home-made ghost hunters was hysterical and adorable. I want them to have their own games soooo badly.

· I am completely on Joe’s side that we can’t prove that ghosts don’t exists, even if we can’t prove they do exist.

· I knew Alicia was the bad guy the second she started shit-talking Ned without knowing him. Only bad people don’t like Ned. He would never force Nancy to become a housewife, that’s not who she is and he loves her for who she is.

· I did “OK Boomer” Judge Danforth. He deserved it.

· I loved the little tidbits that we got of Frances’ and Lauren’s relationship we got to hear about. It’s really sweet.

· The comparison of Jason being a fast food cheeseburger with extra extra extra cheese and Ned being a home-cooked meal is perfect. Home-cooked meal is a great way to describe Ned.

· Either way they’re both snacks.

· Ok Jason’s ugly in these graphics but it was implied he was supposed to be hot.

· Jason could’ve been a true himbo but unfortunately he wasn’t

· TBH Ned, Carson, and Damian were the most attractive characters in the game. Only because they weren’t subjected to these graphics.

· I loved the Ghost Wavelength Spectral Analyzer 2.5 the Joe Hardy Guide to Amazing Finds but I hate the spectral analyzer itself. That mini-game was the WORST. It took forever!

· Alicia was straight up just gonna kill everyone. I’m doubting her biology knowledge.

· Also if you wanna raise kids in a more “modern” environment just freaking move. I know there was money in that real estate deal but there’s real estate in other towns.

· I love Deirdre. She’s really funny and kinda sweet. Even though she likes Ned (and maybe Nancy too lol) she doesn’t try to break them up or get between them. At least not anymore. She knows how much Ned loves Nancy. She even gave Nancy relationship advice. Which Nancy desperately needs because she terrible at this.

· This is just me but I kinda wish Nancy had an original idea for their vacation instead of just going back to Austria. Maybe let Ned pick this time because he’s the one who has to play catch up all the time and it’s only fair.

· Carson’s an adorable dorky dad and the only rich white man I trust. I’ve said it in my tweets and I will say it until I die. No one can take that away from me.

· This may be repetitive but I don’t like what this game did to Ned, Frank, and I guess even Nancy too. Ned knows about Frank’s feelings for Nancy. And now needless, useless, meaningless drama is gonna happen. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT!

· Just the relationship drama didn’t add a thing to this game. It was stupid. Especially because it was unfinished. It should’ve just been taken out.

· Joe looks 13 and way to skinny. He’s the brawn to Frank’s brain. Yes, he’s smart too and Frank isn’t weak. However, Joe is way stronger than him. If there has to be a scrawnier Hardy Boy, it’s Frank and we all know it.

· To quote Joe he’s got Man Strength™.

· Cause “Boy” is only part of the title, but Hardy Men doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

· At times it feels like that the creators forget that Joe’s supposed to be smart too. There were times where it felt like they made him a total idiot. Though that could be personal too.

· Frank being a total Captain Obvious, perfect.

· They’re both puppies that got turned into human boys. Frank is just a calmer puppy

· Love that Mei’s going to Waverly but some of the other references fell flat. The Cat thing and the “I only smoke when I’m on fire” thing. It’s just not the same.

· Jason deserves the Not-As-Much-of-a-Jerk-as-You-Could-Have-Been Award.

· Mei’s a sweetie when she finally lets you in.

· The multiple endings seemed to have changed from different culprits to just what happens to Hathorne House and/or Teegan (I think). They seem to be pretty much the same. I did expect that as that has often been my experience with “multiple endings” games.

· I’m glad that both the Accused Witches and Lauren can get the house. It seems right for that to happen.

· Olivia’s pretty funny. I have a thing for eccentric characters. And it was funny how she tried to induct us into the coven at the end.

· The red/ginger hair superstition is a real superstition and I’m glad it was used. It’s for witches, werewolves, and vampires. Not just that gingers have no souls. (from the Malleus Maleficarum)

· If there is another game, I hope it’s the Nedcy vacation. And that we actually get to see Ned lol. I don’t get why he has never made an in-game appearance. It’s a little unfair at this point.

· Considering Emerson College is 39 minutes away from Salem and we still didn’t get him, I doubt it. Even though they mentioned both Salem and kidnapping Ned in Labyrinth of Lies.

· Also that the next one feels more like a Nancy Drew game.

· There’s no puzzles and there’s so much changed that it doesn’t have the same feel to it.

· This doesn’t feel like it took 4 ½ years to make. It feels like it took less than ½ a year. I can tell that things have changed because pretty much all the people who worked on it originally got fired. And that the Austrian game development company that took over everything (besides licensing) struggled to match the quality of the previous games.

· It definitely wasn’t beta-tested or was barely beta-tested. Quite a few beta-testers have come forward to say they didn’t get the offer to beta-test until September of this year. A month before preorder. Yikes.

· I know I got a little mean for some of the points but coddling the company by just saying positive things doesn’t help. They’ll get comfortable and give the fans worse things than this. I’m not an expert but I’ve played and learned enough games that I know some basics about how they’re made. It’s not easy but that doesn’t mean we should excuse things because of it.

· There’s been a lot of controversy with HER and Penny and this game and probably more. I’m not gonna get more into that besides mentioning that things changed because of this and not for the better.

· I probably missed somethings but whatever this is over 3000 words. I covered the basics and then some.

· This game is just a 2.5/5 for me

#nancy drew #mid spoilers #midnight in salem #ned nickerson #nancy drew games #herinteractive #frank hardy #joe hardy #the hardy boys #the hardy brothers #mei parry #teegan parry #olivia ravencroft #lauren holt #judge danforth #jason danforth #alicia cole #deirdre shannon #carson drew

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Hey super big question , I feel like we’re about to be slaughtered this December because Grindlewald is Aro Gay And I’m worried that jk is going to completely dehumanize him with Jonny Depp and that she chose Jonny because of his ability to play dehumanizing characters and the writing and his portrayal combined is going to be horrific for us and I can’t stop stressing about it , and asshole allos had to bring up Grindlewald is Nazi metaphor and then I just read the wiki on Hitler, he was ace fml

I said on the weekend that we should be allowed to connect to characters who are not good representation and express that connection, and that’s absolutely true. This said, it is also true that our connection does not mean other people cannot discuss the problems with that character and story. I can express a connection with Clariel; other people have the right to discuss how her position as series antagonist situates her as another loveless villain and her message is, consequently, damaging. Both approaches are important.

To deny people space to talk about the problems, parallels and metaphors in a work or character because of our connection is as silencing as their denying us space to speak of our connection. There are specific spaces where it isn’t appropriate to discuss some feelings in that space (a fanblog where folks gush about Clariel isn’t the best space to argue that she’s dreadful aro-ace rep) and this should be respected. On your own blog, you can certainly put up boundaries on the conversations you prefer not to see. But in broader, general community spaces, the risk is that people will have differing viewpoints and that many of these viewpoints can be hard for us to take, especially if our connection to a character or work is deep and intense.

As an autistic, it can be difficult to see people have a differing opinion about a special interest. It bothers me if they don’t like something I like; it bothers me even more if they like something I consider terrible! It feels like a personal judgement, and it’s hard not to get extremely defensive in response. When it’s tangled up in questions of representation, erasure, marginalisation and identity, it becomes even more complicated, and my connection to my special interest is such that seeing differing attitudes and evaluations of it that hurt me provoke depression, defiance or anger. Those feelings don’t make for easy conversation about it with other people.

One thing I’ve found as an answer, at least in the realm of a work I connect to being dismissed, is analyzing works myself. Yes, I like it, but what does it mean? What’s the context of this character? What are the themes and how do they relate to real life? How might these themes cause harm to others? What does the context of this character say about identity? What lead them to develop this viewpoint? Is it one I should keep? This allows me to continue to engage with a special interest topic while having desensitised myself to viewpoints that aren’t mine, because part of how I now connect to it is thinking about it from lots of different angles. But this took me years to develop and you may not be yet in a position to approach things this way. It also doesn’t work for attitudes and evaluations of a work based in out-and-out hatred or bigotry; you need to be prepared to dismiss them without being overwhelmed by them, and that’s also an ability that takes time and self-awareness to gain.

I do recommend exploring the idea that a special interest doesn’t need to be perfect to have value to meand that a special interest doesn’t need to be perceived the same way by others to have value to me. Your connection to a work is about you and you alone. That connection is not diminished or erased by someone else’s opinion, someone else’s actions or someone else’s response. This applies for disagreement about character arc or idealised representation, and it applies to erasure and antagonism.

I know nothing about Hitler being ace, but so what if he is? Seriously, so what? There’s plenty of lesbian TERFs. There’s heaps of binary trans truscum causing harm to non-binary people. What of Milo Yiannopoulos? Does that mean all lesbians, all binary trans people and all gay men are irredeemable? Of course not! Being of a marginalised identity does not preclude one from being harmful, dangerous, cruel, malicious or damaging. There are aromantic people out there who are dangerous to me. That doesn’t make them less aromantic or less dangerous. It just means all kinds of people can be aromantic, including those I think morally reprehensible.

Anyone who declares all gay men dangerous because of Milo Yiannopoulosis a heterosexist bigot, and the same applies here. You cannot spend your life worrying that an awful person is gay/ace/aro/trans/autistic (etc) and what that means or if people will use that against you. If you do, you’ll never be able to breathe. The only person you’re harming with this worry is you, and you deserve better than that.

If other people use someone’s existence to dismiss your community, as has happened so many times in antagonistic conversations over the last couple of years, handle it like you handle anyone else hateful. Block them. Report vile hate speech to Tumblr. Move on to more constructive creations and conversations.

The majority of fictional and creative media is at least unthinkingly amatonormative, ableist and cissexist. I rarely get to pick up a book that respects me as a trans, autistic aro, and I have to acknowledge this risk of being hurt every time I start something new. This isn’t right or fair, but it is our reality. This movie is going to be no different on that regard, no different to the rest of the media that hurts us. The difference here is that I think this is a property you care about, one that you deeply connect to--and that’s perfectly right and normal! But that connection makes it harder to see that this is the same thing the a-spec community has been enduring for years and years. We’ve weathered everything that’s come before and we’ll weather this, too. You’ll weather this, just as you weathered every other instance of erasure and antagonism in a fictional work.

You can’t change what track the film takes or how people respond to it. You can’t control other people’s coding. You can’t control other people’s hatred, dismissal and erasure. Worrying does nothing to change the situation; it only causes you unneeded distress. Rowling has supported Depp’s casting despite wide condemnation, so what else can you do? You either see the film anyway, knowing the risks, or you don’t--and not seeing it is a valid and reasonable option, one absolutely worth considering.

Under the cut, I talk about therapy and self-care for handling anxiety:

Given your distress, I do feel it a requirement to say that I think you should look into psychology and therapy services for your anxiety. This ask goes a little beyond the scope of what I can reasonably and ethically offer in validation and support. As someone with severe anxiety myself, I swear to you that worrying about something like this, a situation you cannot change yourself, is a problem that is causing you unneeded distress and harm. I don’t know where you live or what your options are, but there are blogs that detail support options. I genuinely believe that you need professional support here and encourage you to consider this in whatever options available to you.

(If you are already in therapy or treatment, I take this post as an indication that your current approaches are not best supporting you and it may be worthwhile to discuss this with your care providers.)

I’ll finish by saying that you can handle the situation, if you feel that you cannot bear the finished film and conversations about it at all. Blacklist tags relating to content you don’t wish to see. Unfollow people who post content you don’t wish to see, especially if it’s most of their content or they don’t tag. Don’t go searching tags. Follow blogs you trust. Quietly block anyone who annoys you. You don’t need to engage in arguments on something you disagree with; you can block users and, if you really need to get something off your chest, make new posts about it on your own blog, in your own space. Turn off anon asks if you think you might be harassed for your opinions; restrict private messages to only blogs you follow.

I’d strongly advise not engaging in discourse and arguments with people who disagree with you. Block, make new posts on your blog if you must talk, reblog folks who are making points that resonate with you. You don’t have to convince the world of what you know or how wrong they are. You don’t have to engage in activism here. Just block and move on. Getting yourself caught up in arguments with people who aren’t disposed to hearing you will only cause more stress and harm to you. Some people can constantly engage in discourse without losing themselves in anger and aggression, but I’m not one of them, and I suspect you’re like me in this regard. Our activism is healthiest for us when directed into community building and validation, not fighting those who won’t listen.

Likewise, you can prepare for any self-care you need should the above fail. Have go-to media like books, films and music you need to distract yourself. Have a list of activities you enjoy that you know that calm you and work through them. If you have a friend or two you can trust to talk with you or distract you, contact them. If this is in your ability, go outside, go for a walk, go to the shops--away from your computer or phone. Watch a YouTube craft video and attempt to follow it. Play games. Write unrelated fanfiction. Keep a list of Calming Things You Can Do by your desk and on your phone, and work to develop a habit of reaching for that list when even slightly overwhelmed or stressed. Again, this is an area where a mental health professional will help you in identifying and using the interests and tools you already have to cope, particularly in working with your own interests and needs, so if you can’t put this into action on your own, this is another sign that you need a psychologist or therapist on Team You.

It’d be irresponsible of me not to suggest that you, and any other aro-spec who feels this way, seek professional support. That you’re turning towards me says you’re not currently getting what it is you need elsewhere, offline and off. That’s not a criticism on you: you deserve to be supported. It’s in no way a crime to want someone to help shore you up in the face of dismissal, erasure, antagonism and hate; it’s in no way a crime to want support from a fellow community member in the face of the antagonism we are so often dealt.

But right now, I do believe–again, as a person with severe anxiety myself–that you’re in need of professional support to cope with the things you’re finding difficult, much more support than I am ethically able to provide. I know first-hand that finding good mental health care is far from easy for many of us, but if anything is available to you, I hope you’ll consider seeking it out.

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bipolyjack · 7 years

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Please tell me more about why you like sheith, I'm very curious to hear the rest of it.

(alright luckily i had the beginning of this saved elsewhere when tumblr just randomly sent it early so imma just begin by pasting. also spoilers for voltron s4 obv)

the original ask was something like “curious why u like sheith? ive thought abt it and i think i prefer klance”

rubs hands 2gether Thank U for Asking

first of all, thats chill! if klance is ur thing, fuckin go for itmy dude, have a great time with that shit. the fandom’s huge andtheres tons of content. im all for ppl shippin what they want and imnot here to tell someone to ship or not ship something. if u do trulywant to know why im a sheith tho, buckle the fuck up cause im awashin sheith feelings at every moment and i got Things 2 say

alright so the main thing with sheith is that it feels realhealthy and good. (well it did. things are weird this season bc shiromay or may not be a clone but up until his disappearance at least.)they’re rly good abt checking in with each other to see how theother one’s doing and feeling, and they lean on each other a lotfor support. they also treat each other as equals and respect each other’s choices (again, with minor exceptions in the current season). they got that good good hidden backstory together. they got that good good star crossed lovers thing goin on where the universe keeps ripping them apart, fucking them over and tossing them back together more fucked up than before and my dude i Eat That Shit UP. also that good good height difference.the show gives them lots of moments where they’re either alone in a room together havin a private moment or havin an equally private moment in front of the whole fuckin team where fuckin everybody can see them (like the first Hug tm). they’re openly physically intimate with each other (which keith is not with anyone else) and they’re not like. ashamed of that. there’s so much canon content i cry daily.

here lemme break it down

we know they knew each other in the garrison, and not just like in passing, like acquaintances, but enough that keith was the only person there to see shiro off when the kerberos mission launched. in s1ep1 lance says of shiro “omg that guys my hero” and of keith “you’re my rival” but neither shiro nor keith know who lance even fuckin is. bc presumably they didnt hang out. everyone in the garrison knows who keith and shiro are but they - keith especially it seems like - dont keep track of the other students. also theres this whole fanon thing where shiro and matt were best friends in the garrison and hung out all the time before kerberos, but in s4 when matt greets shiro hes incredibly stiff and awkward and calls him sir and shiro just goes “pidge never gave up on u buddy” which i guess could be a clone thing but could also be him bein like “i totally did give up on u tho, whatever” (and i can totally buy that considering how pidge’s whole personal arc this whole time has been looking for matt and their dad, and while shiro has been supportive of that, he’s also been like hey dude that’s not our top priority as a team). so from that i infer that matt and shiro werent best buds in the garrison, and that he must have spent a lot more of his time with keith bc in s2ep1 keith makes it clear that shiro made a significant impact on his life and that he still thinks about things shiro said to him before kerberos. which we havent seen. bc theyre hiding the pre-kerberos backstory from us and i cry. also their flashbacks in s1ep2 (i think, i dont exactly remember which ep but i think its that one) when they all put on the headsets and we see their fondest memories, shiro’s is the day they were separated and keith’s is the day they found each other again like jesus.

then there’s keith’s first scene in the show. the first thing we see him doing is kicking the shit out of like three garrison guys to rescue shiro. we get that close up of him touching shiro’s unconscious fuckin face and his first line in the whole show is him saying shiro’s name. like shit dude how am i supposed 2 not ship that. the first time keith and lance interact, its lance butting in on that moment and keith being like “who the fuck are u” and its. uncomfortable. we also know that keith has been livin alone in the desert and obsessing over these lion carvings bc he got kicked out of the garrison for basically insubordination sometime after shiro went missing. we get that scene in the shack where keith talks abt feeling lost until shiro showed up and everyone else in the room looking all confused and uncomfortable as these two dudes who clearly already know each other well and have been separated for like a year just stare into each other’s eyes or what the fuck ever. also the scene outside the shack where keith comes and finds shiro and puts a hand on his shoulder and asks him how hes doing - theyre alone for that part. also worth mentioning is that keith has no hesitation touching shiro’s galra tech arm, whereas lance hesitates before shaking his hand. we see a bunch of times that keith is touch averse with almost everyone except shiro, in a way that indicates a degree of prior familiarity and a good understanding of boundaries that keith hasnt had the time or inclination to set up with lance, hunk, pidge, allura, coran etc. also the one time he holds lance when sendack attacks the castle and lance is unconscious, lance sort of blows it off later and basically goes “no homo” when keith brings it up so that was a bummer

i also love some of the Pauses they put into shiro and keith’s dialogue, some of them are just. so choice. like when keith proposes a crazy plan that puts him in danger and shiro just takes a sec, closes his eyes, then goes “alright i’ll back u up, do what u gotta do” like!!!! boi!!!!!! thats good shit. also in s2ep9 during the blade of marmora trial when keith is basically having this nightmare about shiro rejecting him because of his connection to the galra, (which real actual shiro can see because this whole ep was a fuckin fanfiction) and he does that same thing where hes like “shiro... *pause, close eyes for Just a sec* you’re like a brother to me” which! by the way!! i have said the same thing!! to a friend i had a crush on!!! who was straight!!!! and i was a little baby who didnt know i was into girls yet and we used to say we were like sisters bc i? didnt know i?? was gay???? we shared her bed whenever i stayed over and she really did see me as a sister and i would just lie next to her and daydream about touching her boobs,, anyway keith is so relatable there i could yell forever but continuing on,

can we, real quick, talk abt the first time keith flies the black lion? bc in s2ep1 hes not the black paladin yet. real shiro is still around. and keith legit goes up to black, puts a hand on her big ole nose and goes “ur boi is in trouble, we gotta help him” and she goes “yeah dude hop in” like?????????????? thats some fanfic shit again! black Knows! also dont even talk to me abt how many times keith and shiro yell each others names in that ep its unreal. also the trope (that i eat the fuck up every time) of one member of the otp lying trapped and injured somewhere and talking to the other member of the otp thru a helmet comm or whatever and they cant see each other but they can hear each others voices, so they have to keep talking to like reassure each other they’re both still alive and okay?!!! im such a sucker for that shit!!!! ummmmm the fact that shiro keeps reassuring keith that hes fine when theres a gaping glowing wound in his side and hes like visibly in pain, clenching his teeth, eyes closed, groaning, sweat beading on his forehead, the whole fuckin thing?? and josh knocked it outta the park with shiro’s voice in that ep making him sound like he was trying not to sound hurt and exhausted so that keith wouldn’t worry too much like Fuck me up!! smiling thru the pain when keith talks abt how much shiro changed his life and made him a better person??? boi!!!!!

then there are the times when shiro talks abt something happening to him and keith taking over as voltron’s leader, and keith gets all panicked about it like he cant stand the thought of losing shiro again (this happens a bunch of times but the ones that are coming to mind are s2ep1 and s2ep9 bc. again. those are the fanfic episodes). and then he Does lose him again and he’s so clearly grieving, lashing out at the rest of the team, super obviously feeling shiro’s loss more than the others (and lance is a real dick about it a bunch of times which really rubbed me wrong), going out to look for him over and over bc he wants to believe so bad that shiro’s out there somewhere. omg the “please no” when the black lion accepts him that shit Fucked me right up!! he wants to honor shiro’s wishes!! but some part of him knows that’s like admitting that shiro’s gone and isn’t coming back. and then!!!!!! when they find kuron and its just the red lion and the galra ship floating alone in space just like. gently drifting toward each other. keith’s little tired smile there. fuck me up. and then we find out in the next scene that keith has been the only one in shiro (kuron)’s room while he’s recovering and shiro (kuron) hasnt bothered to shave or cut his hair or get dressed yet and he lets keith see him like that and not the rest of the team. fuck. keith looks Exhausted in that scene. hes got bags under his eyes, hes kinda hunched in on himself, arms crossed, like something in him Knows this isnt his boi but he wants to believe it’s him so bad and its. god. its a lot. and Then when hes turning to leave and kuron is like “how many times will u have to save me before this is over” and keith’s face just relaxes into this legitimately genuine smile when he says “as many times as it takes” like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me

this is where it starts gettin awkward with them bc kuron isnt shiro and he doesnt treat keith the way shiro would but he Tries, like after keith fucks up that one mission and kuron comes and finds him (again, in private) to touch his shoulder and be like “im proud of u boi” when keith clearly Did Not Do A Good Job and keith just looks bummed like “thats. thats not tru” and it Hurts me bc we know real shiro doesnt do fake praise. also kuron orders keith to put himself in danger more than once and doesnt give a shit that keith and the others get hurt because of it which also real shiro would never do - we’ve seen him react when his teammates take hits before, but especially keith, like during the bom trial. then theres s4ep1 where keith sort of drifts away from team voltron in order to do more stuff with the blade of marmora and everyone’s pissed at him but then as hes walking out kuron’s like “you know we’re here for you if you need us” and keith gets that soft smile again like “i know and i cant tell you how much that means to me” and then they do that good good hand clasp that turns into a hug which by the way is a stark contrast to when other people hug keith and they just kinda grab him and he goes all stiff and it takes him a sec or three to put his arms around them if he even does that at all - with shiro they do the hand clasp first and then walk into the hug together and keith buries his face in shiro’s fuckin shoulder and smiles and closes his eyes and i wanna die. and theyve done this twice now which makes me think they probs did it before kerberos too and that also hurts me.

then theres s4ep6 where keith has gone the whole season feeling like he was a bad leader. it seems like voltron doesnt rly need him and his friends dont need him and shiro doesnt need him and hes been hanging with the bom who have their whole philosophy of not going back to rescue their own guys if it means putting the mission or the rest of the team in danger (which keith already was saying when allura was captured - how very galra of him) and now keith’s having to readjust to that mindset after being part of such a close knit team. so when he sees a way to take that shield down, he just fuckin goes for it. hes started to see himself as expendable. when shiro thinks hes about to die, we get all kinds of flashbacks, the first of which is him and keith alone outside the shack. there are no flashbacks with keith. he just closes his eyes. and shiro (kuron) congratulates him. like obv its before he knows what keith was about to do, but still, thats some fucked up shit.

now this wasnt rly part of ur question, ie u didnt ask me how i felt abt klance, but i feel like i gotta say: lance just grates on me. im sorry i know lots of people who love him but he just. isnt my cup of tea. and i do think the relationship shown in the show between keith and shiro is a lot more mature and healthy than the one shown between lance and keith. lance has some good moments! but canon lance and fanon lance seem like two entirely different people to me a lot of the time and thats all cool and fine if ur lookin for that, again im not here to stop ppl from having fun, but there are so many good sheith moments in the show and im just glad to see the relationship between two dudes depicted that way regardless of whether it becomes canon or not. also lance in the show is only shown being attracted to girls, and in kinda a skeevy way - like ive met guys who treat me like that and been Very off-put by that kind of behavior. and it would put me off if after all that they got him together with keith. like hes just superficially interested in all these hot girls but keith, who he has very few heartfelt intimate moments with onscreen, is his True Love? like thats,, not good bi rep. i Do rly like the bond hes been building with allura since they switched lions, that seems like its going in a direction that could turn out to be very wholesome and sweet. but again, if klance is ur thing, by all means have a ball.

k that was a lot but tl:dr i like 2 cry and sheith provides me with lots of opportunities to do that,, if u read it all then thank u deeply and truly for ur attention, u probs Understand me as a person a bit better than before lol

#long post #voltron spoilers #s4 #sheith #this got Very long im sorry #voltron #shenanigansintime

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artificialqueens · 7 years

Text

Dress Up in You: Chapter Nine (Trixya) - Eve

A/N: Guys. GUYS. This is so horrifically late and I’m sorry. Back on the wagon with a shorter chapter to ease myself back in. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for every message I received about this fic in my absence. It’s a lesbian cis girl AU and you can find all previous chapters at my author tumblr here or on AO3.

Dress Up In You - Chapter Nine

Trixie’s serving fish, by which she means doing a fantastic impression of a koi karp, mouth wide in puzzled surprise at Violet’s greeting. The little surge of shock/surprise/residual rejected pain stings in her chest like an open wound being prodded by her colleague’s long, acrylic-tipped fingers. Eyes down, Trixie quirks half of her mouth into an unconvincing little smile of acknowledgement and quietly asks “Friend of yours, is she?”.

She wishes she could say she didn’t care about the answer.

Violet nods, and then elaborates “Yeah! She rents a studio in the same building as me, I share a little space there to work on costumes and shit for my burlesque…” and of course Violet is into that, it’s the least surprising thing she’s ever heard. Trixie can totally see her in a vintage corset wiggling seductively by like, gaslight or whatever.

“Oh, that…makes sense. I guess. How d'you know we went on a date?” Trixie asks, cautious, wondering whether Katya’s been venting about the clingy one-night stand from hell, and dreading the response. To her surprise, Violet looks a little sympathetic as she says “I saw her last night, working late. She seemed pretty torn up when we were outside smoking so we just got talking about her weekend. She feels pretty shitty, man”.

Trixie, having spent the last twenty-four hours going over and over their fight in her head, is a little surprised. She’s pretty much come to the conclusion that neither of them were really in the right or the wrong – crossed wires, unrealistic expectations and bad communication maybe, but actual bad behaviour, not so much. “She feels shitty? I mean, she shouldn’t. It’s totally her right to want whatever she wants, you know?” she asks, hating the little wobble in her voice and the blush of embarrassment that springs to her full cheeks.

“Hmm. She’s a tricky one, Katya,” Violet answers, looking thoughtful, “and she’s convinced she’s like, Satan herself. I’m not gonna get into it too much but she’s got a lot going on. Are you gonna see her again?”. Trixie’s taken aback a little by the line of questioning, answering “Um, I don’t really think that’s an option, Vi. I want to actually date someone, and she…doesn’t really want anything, I guess. I’m sure she’d rather forget about it and move on, too”. Violet sort of squints at Trixie, pursing her lips a little in thought. She seems to sense Trixie’s discomfort, how little she wants to get into this, and she just says “I really wouldn’t be too sure about what Katya wants, Trix. I don’t think she knows, like, at all”, before abruptly changing the course of conversation, clapping her delicate hands together decisively and brightly declaring “Now I am ready to take a look at these new matte lips, aren’t you?”.

Trixie is grateful for the distraction, and muses as she and Violet sit swatching products that she seems to have found herself with an unexpected but surprisingly thoughtful new friend. Her actual work that day is pretty fun – she and Violet take a few pictures for the work Instagram account and experiment with the new shades in stock, promoting them to their walk-in customers and trying on a few themselves. By the time her shift is over, Trixie’s feeling pretty upbeat, and she decides to treat herself to one of the new hot pink lip stains that she tried earlier. She’s totally not above admitting that a little retail therapy (especially at a hefty discount!) is always a cheer-up, and she applies the heavily pigmented shade in the staff room before she leaves.

Maybe it’s the positive vibes from her good day, or the little buzz of confidence she feels knowing that her bold new lip colour looks amazing on her, but she doesn’t walk to a different stop tonight, secretly hoping to bump into Katya. Some kind of masochistic, curious bit of her brain wants to see how the other woman would react to her – what she’d say or do, whether she’d be friendly or cold. Violet’s words have given Trixie a lot to think about, and she doesn’t really know what to think. Vi didn’t seem convinced that Katya was as off-limits as she claimed to be herself, and the stuff she said about Katya feeling so down about the weekend was intriguing, to say the least. When Katya isn’t at the stop, Trixie feels oddly disappointed, realising just how much she’d been psyching herself up to see the other woman. She thinks hard about her all the way home, wondering exactly what Violet means about Katya being unsure, and whether it would be crazy or pathetic to have hope.

It’s this state of mind that finds Trixie laying on her stomach like a teenager on her little sofa, her stocking feet sticking up behind her. She types ‘Katya Zamoldchikova’ into Google on her phone, unsure of how to spell the surname but sure she’s at least in the right ballpark. Apparently this name isn’t too usual in Russia, and Trixie’s search returns a lot of obviously-not-Katya results. She narrows her search down by adding the word 'art’, and bingo. She’s rewarded with an Instagram account that seems to be pretty active – the most recent post is a close-up of inky black liquid with tones of blues and greens floating on the surface. The caption reads “The seas are troubled tonight, Brenda. Or do I just not clean my brushes enough?”. Trixie smiles to herself, almost able to hear Katya’s voice saying that out loud. She scrolls down the page, checking out Katya’s art – it’s all great, but the photos she tends to pause on are the ones that show small scraps of the artist herself.

One image shows Katya’s shadowy face reflected in the glass of a framed painting, barely there and ghostly. Trixie has to squint to see it, but when she does, the art melts away and leaves her searching for something she can’t name in the phantom image of Katya’s downturned eyes, her wide, pursed lips. Who are you, really? Trixie thinks, struggling to reconcile the mysterious, quiet-seeming woman in the photograph and the larger-than-life, wisecracking extrovert she knows Katya to be. How much of you did I not get to see?

Trixie knows this is super unhealthy, but on she scrolls, more intrigued with every glance she gets into Katya’s quiet, private life. Small artefacts of her emerge from the images – a bony knob of ankle peeping behind a canvas resting in her lap, a slender wrist in a photo modelling a watchlike jewellery piece she worked on with a sculptor a year ago. Trixie thinks about Katya alone, wonders what she was like when these were taken – dwells for a long time on a looping video of her long, elegant fingers smearing thick paint on a blank surface, teasing the shades that lie in layered blobs out in long, even swirls. The concentration and effortless intensity behind those digits is something Trixie can approximately imagine – after all, it’s not that long ago that it was all focussed on her writhing body. She’d love to be the focus of that calm determined motion, no frantic need or poorly considered lust this time, just slow, deliberate care, as if Trixie was something Katya had thought deeply about and considered worth doing. She sighs at her own dumb thoughts – she sounds like she needs to take a train back to LiveJournal in 2006 or something.

Trixie really does have nothing to lose, Katya-wise, she reasons with herself, and so she allows herself to 'like’ one of Katya’s more recent images – it’s an indirect sliver of contact, okay, but it’s an olive branch nonetheless. She taps the Insta post twice, a little red heart lighting up to confirm that she, Trixie Mattel, likes this. She just has to hope it’s a little better received than the last heart she sent Katya’s way.

#dress up in you #eve #trixya #lesbian au #katya zamolodchikova #trixie mattel #rpdr fanfiction #submission

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wanderingjotun · 7 years

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Pop Culture Paganism, Semantics, and My Practice

I resisted the name of “Pop Culture Pagan” for a while, not because I wasn’t interested in working with pop culture spirits, but because there was this feeling that being a PCP required worshipping these spirits as divine entities, as gods (or, alternatively, only working with the particular gods of a pop culture system, like Hylia from Hyrule). And that never really sat well with me. Not because I don’t believe they can be gods, if they wish or that’s how your practice shakes out, but because that wasn’t what I was looking for when expanding my spiritual practice. I already have gods meddling enough, thank you very much. And, to be quite honest, I’ve never really been one for ‘traditional’ worship to begin with.

I don’t really know where this idea that pop culture entities were to be treated like gods or “you’re doing it wrong” (ugh) came from, but I let it keep me from really exploring pop culture paganism until recently. I was determined to stick purely to the Norse pantheon—the gods I gushed and cried to and had to swat off when I needed private time. But I liked the idea of pop culture paganism a lot. I kept a TARDIS papercraft on my altar, partially because I saw Loki in the Doctor and partially because, deep down (though I wouldn’t admit it at the time), I wanted to work with the Doctor in my spiritual practice. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t wind up opening that door at the time. I wasn’t ready. And one cosmic Trickster was enough.

In an attempt to learn more, I would trawl through the Tumblr Pop Culture Paganism tag, hoarding ideas, unconsciously refueling my “I can’t do this” bias, and marveling at the people who could. I tried to pick a fandom I thought I could start with if I ever decided to try, but every time my fear of permanency—of fucking up and being stuck with that poor choice forever—kept me from actually giving it a shot. Add in a healthy sprinkling of self-doubt and self-consciousness about how other people might see me, and the very idea started tying me up in knots. Once that happened, I would ditch it completely for a while and remind myself that I was a Good Heathen™ (let’s just ignore the whole “working with Loki” thing and the fact that “Good Heathen™” is super problematic in other ways for now) and couldn’t possibly work with pop culture gods, because I was devoted to the Norse deities. Eventually, the curiosity and the urge would hit me again.

So, I was caught in this weird on-again, off-again consideration of an idea I found both appealing and off-putting. As a sort of middle ground, I made my Fandom Oracle deck—a stepping stone toward working with pop culture spirits by using their likenesses (and, potentially, energies) in a divination tool. Almost a year after putting it together, it’s my favorite deck of all time. But I was still exceedingly uncomfortable with the idea of further incorporating pop culture entities into my personal practice. There was still that hang up of “worship.” I sucked at worshiping the gods I already worked with, how could I justify potentially reaching out to more of my own accord? And that wasn’t even counting the fact that I almost never initiated a relationship with a spiritual being on my own. Normally, they’re the ones that reached out first. I had no idea where to even begin.

By the time I started watching my roommate play through Final Fantasy XV, I had finally resigned myself to doing pop culture magic and divination, but never really being a person who could be in contact with pop culture entities. There were no PC gods that called to me, and my other internal issues were their own block. I never expected to feel so attached to three (well, four, but Noctis is a special case at the moment) characters in a game I wasn’t even playing yet. Especially since I’d never actually made it through a full game in the franchise before, mostly because I’m just not a huge gamer and got distracted by other things.

But I couldn’t get enough. I looked up fanart. I read the game spoilers. I started my own play through. It became my de-stressing tool at the end of the day and, even on days when I felt like I had no energy for anything, I could manage to play an hour or two and spend time with the Chocobros. The banter and the easy relationship between the boys was a safe, comforting space for me. And that’s not even including the beautiful scenery, the catharsis of beating up imaginary creatures, or the amusement of the game glitches.

The game became my escape, in more ways than one, and I started realizing I felt like I knew Ignis, Prompto, Gladiolus, and Noctis better than I knew some of the people in my life. I felt like I could trust them for some reason, even though I knew they’d been programmed to act a specific way. I connected to them in a way I hadn’t connected to characters in a long time, and I’m still not even sure why. But it happened.

One night, on a pure whim, I jokingly asked my pendulum if I should consider reaching out to Ignis spiritually, since I was so similar to him. To my utter surprise (and anxious horror), it gave me an incredibly firm “Yes.”

I’ll admit: I panicked. I must have done the reading wrong. It was just supposed to be a joke; I couldn’t possibly actually reach out to Ignis! So, being paranoid and a devotee of discernment, I did about a hundred other readings (including asking for some third-party blind confirmations) and everything came back positive, no matter the iteration or subtle word changes I used. Yes, yes, yes, talk to him already!

When the message finally sank in, I reluctantly reached out. And, as things tend to do in my spiritual life, it quickly snowballed. In the span of two days, I had had brief interactions with Ignis, Prompto, and Gladio, because package deals are apparently my thing. The moment I opened up to their energy, to the idea that they were real PC spirits and I’d somehow gotten their attention, I could feel them clearer than I’d felt spiritual entities in ages. I was pretty sure I was losing my mind, but I pushed forward nonetheless.

So, now I’m working with pop culture spirits and there’s no turning back. Does that make me a Pop Culture Pagan? Yes and no. I am a Pagan/Heathen, and I work with pop culture spirits alongside the Norse pantheon. I don’t believe the Chocobros are gods, nor do they seem to want to be (jokes about Prompto being the god of photography aside). I’m not worshiping them in any traditional sense, but I’ve made a list of gifts and activities I think they’d enjoy, same as I’d do with friends on the physical plane, and I’d love to get figures or art of them for my altar. They’ve already helped me through panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and awful meetings at work. They still make me smile every time I feel them around, or boot up their game (even when I’m crying about the uber-angsty plot), but I don’t pray to them or have the same ‘godly’ feeling I have when Loki or Odin or Frigga pop in.

If I had to create my own label for my current situation, I’d probably use something along the lines of “Pop Culture Spirit Companion.” Which is entertaining in its own right, since “spirit companion” is another descriptor I’d never really thought to apply to myself before. But it fits here. First and foremost, I’m friends with the PC spirits currently in my life. They want to help me, and I want to help them, but mostly we just goof off and sass each other. And that’s perfect for us right now. It’s friendship, companionship, with spirits that originated from a video game (well, I mean, multiverse theory suggests they have their own plane and whatnot, but most people will look at it as “these are video game characters, Nonir”) instead of more “traditional” spirits like ghosts or fae.

“Pop Culture Spirit Companion” isn’t really a term I’ve seen used before, either. From what I’ve seen of other people sharing their experiences (admittedly, this is pretty much confined to Tumblr and the godsawful tag search system), the closest is a discussion of soulbonding with PC entities, but that doesn’t feel quite right when discussing my relationship with Iggy, Gladio, and Prompto. It is, of course, a matter of semantic preference more than anything, since these sorts of terms mean different things to different people, but I like to think there are more people out there who have a sort of spirit companionship-type relationship with PC entities, even if I’m the only one actively working with the cast of FFXV.

For some reason “Pop Culture Pagan” still carries a connotation for me of venerating PC spirits and entities the way one honors other gods (because my paganism is inherently polytheistic, this is where my mindset goes; I know, logically, there are a lot of different pagan paths that don’t include deities at all), and that just simply doesn’t describe my current path. But if I have any hope of connecting with other people who work with PC entities in any form outside specific spellwork, it’s a label I have to uncomfortably shoulder for now.

There’s still resistance, and there may always be. But for now, I am a Heathen and a Pop Culture Pagan/Spirit Companion. And I’m learning to be okay with that, for both their sake and mine.

#pop culture paganism #Nonir's spiritual flailings #Long post #Astral Chocobro Adventures

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worrisomeme · 7 years

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Do You Wanna Date my Avatar?

Prompt request to anyone who gets the reference! XD Here’s a snippet from my unnamed MMO AU

“Shit!” Bucky shouts.

Then he remembers his mic is on. Whoops. Good thing he doesn’t have a party right now.

He forgets again a second later when he dies and then there he is, shouting again. He really should work on that.

“Goddamnit,” he groans to himself as he watches the loading screen. Okay, so he might need some help on this thing after all. Well, that’s annoying but whatever.

[TheWinterSoldier: Anyone free/bored and wanna lend a hand? hmu dm or w/e]

He wastes some time in town, buying, selling, repairing armor. He’s just about to give up and try going at it alone again when a private message pops up.

[CaptainAmerica: I’m bored. Where we going?]

Bucky sends a party request and that gets accepted immediately. Alright, here we go. Hopefully this kid has a mic.

“Hey stranger,” he says. “So I’m working on this side quest and I need this potion but these fucking bandits have it. Just outside the city. I dunno but they kicked my ass alone.”

The other guy laughs. “You boost your skills and shit?” he asks. His voice is low and sweet and he sounds older than Bucky had anticipated. Probably around his age, actually.

“Yeah, I’m all good to go,” he replies, stretching a little.

“Alright,” the stranger replies. “Lead the way.” As they start making their way toward the bandit camp in game, the guy asks. “So Winter Soldier, huh?”

“Yeah,” Bucky chuckles. “It’s from an old DnD character of mine. Captain America got a story behind it?”

“It’s just something my friends started calling me,” he laughs. “My birthday is the Fourth of July. You can just call me Steve.”

Bucky finds himself grinning. “I’m Bucky. Nice to meet you.”

Steve lets out an honest to god giggle and teases, “What kind of name is Bucky?”

“What kind of name is Steve?” Bucky shoots back playfully.

“A normal one!” Steve manages to get out around his laughter.

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a normal one too, but only one person in the world knows that one. And only because she scares the hell out of me.”

“Oh now I have to know. It must be pretty bad if it’s worse than Bucky,” he teases. “You have to tell me.”

“It’s not worse than Bucky,” he argues. Then he realizes the insult he just gave himself and laughs. “And Bucky’s not bad either! It’s just a shortened version of my middle name.”

Steve’s giggling again. “What the fuck could your middle name possibly be then?”

“Jesus! What’s with your obsession with my names? Are you going to stalk me or something?” he says without malice. “It’s Buchanan, alright?” he laughs. “Now come on Stevie, focus!”

Steve is practically dying laughing now and they are absolutely not going to make it out of the bandit camp with the potion on this run. “Like the president? Oh man, I’m going to have an asthma attack and die,” he jokes.

“Oh my god, shut up,” Bucky snorts, rolling his eyes. But there’s a smile on his lips and he’s thinking maybe he doesn’t mind if they have to try the mission a couple more times.

[Stevie: Hey, I’m working so I gotta go hands free. Skype?]

The text comes after a month and a half of almost constant texting. They’ve gotten so close Bucky feels like he can hardly remember a time without Steve in his life, despite the fact that it hasn’t actually been very long at all.

So why does the thought of Skyping with him make his heart race? They already know what the other looks like. Between Snapchat, Instagram, and selfies on Tumblr there won’t be any surprises. It’s really more of a surprise that they haven’t Skyped yet.

He’s already got the exact shade of blue of his eyes memorized, and that blond hair, his frame, small and thin and lithe. But not delicate by any means. Gorgeous. Stunning. Amazing. Wonderfu-

Oh. There it is.

Shit, he got lost in his head again. He should probably answer. It would be weird if he said no. Definitely. Shit. Time to face the music.

[Bucky: Sure, call away]

That stupid Skype ring starts up and he answers immediately.

And then, oh god, there’s that face.

“Hey stranger,” Steve says with a wink before focusing his attention back on his drawing tablet.

He’s seen a million pictures of him and heard his voice, but seeing Steve as a living, breathing, moving reality is a whole new world and Bucky is fascinated.

“Hey you,” Bucky replies, forcing a laugh and hoping to all the gods he doesn’t sound as nervous as he feels. He snatches up his stress ball and starts tossing it up in the air and catching it.

If Steve does notice the nerves he doesn’t say anything. Instead he just keeps working and asks, “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

“Nah,” Bucky says, some of the tension leaving his body as he focuses on the ball. “I was mostly just staring at the screen wishing my brain would work,” he chuckles.

“Well don’t you think that’s asking a little much?” Steve teases him, glancing up to catch the brunet’s reaction.

Bucky snorts and rolls his eyes, flipping the blond off. “That’s fuckin’ rude,” he says, fighting to keep a straight face. “You are just so mean to me. I don’t know why I put up with you sometimes.” Finally he cracks and cracks a smile.

“Because I’m so smokin’ hot,” Steve says, tone flat but he’s smirking as he shifts his attention back to his work.

“Oh, yeah, how could I have forgotten?” Bucky retorts, rolling his eyes again. He lets the stress ball drop and tries to focus his attention on his own screen.

There’s silence for a while as they both work, or something like it, but then Steve looks up, a shy smile on his face. The movement catches Bucky’s attention and he looks up too.

“What’s that look for?” he asks with a chuckle.

“Well, there was actually something in specific I wanted to talk to you about,” Steve replies, looking equal parts sheepish and super excited.

Bucky leans back in his chair and rests his hands behind his head. “Oh yeah? Shoot.”

“Well…” Steve can’t help himself now and he’s grinning from ear to ear. Bucky can’t help but think how fucking adorable he looks. “I’m doing my first convention as an artist next month!”

“No shit!” Bucky laughs, clapping his hands together and grinning. “Congrats man!”

“That’s not even the best part!” Steve says, gripping the edge of his desk in excitement.

“How could it get better?” the brunet asks, laughing.

“It’s in New York! I’ll be able to come see you!”

Bucky’s heart stops.

Thankfully, his brain is still working. Mostly. “That’s awesome!” he laughs. “If it’s not too far you can totally stay with me. It’ll cut down on expenses.”

“Really?” Bucky swears Steve’s voice has gone up an octave. “I mean, the company pays for the hotel but it would save a lot on other shit. And I’d rather stay with you anyway! Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?”

“Yeah,” Bucky’s grin never drops despite the butterflies making rounds in his stomach. “You won’t have to pay for any food or anything.”

“Well I wouldn’t expect you to just feed me!” he laughs.

“Nope! It’s totally on me. No arguing. It’ll just be me cooking anyway.”

“Well you at least gotta let me take you out to dinner one night then!” Steve’s voice is up that octave again. “Oh! Maybe I can even come early! Or stay an extra night or two! Then we can actually have some time together,” he laughs, “since on con days I’ll be stuck down there! I am so excited now!”

“That sounds great,” Bucky says, letting out a little nervous chuckle as he starts fidgeting with a hair tie he finds on the desk. “Me too! I don’t have a spare room but I’ll totally take the couch so you can sleep on the bed.”

“Don’t be silly!” Steve snickers. “We can share the bed. It’s not a big deal. I’m so small you’ll barely even notice me. I’m not making you sleep on the couch! I won’t even try and get in your pants, I swear!” he jokes.

Bucky turns pink instantly and chokes a little, which sends Steve into a laughing fit. See? He knew Skype was going to be a bad idea. Can’t hide a blush through Skype.

“You’re not worried about me trying to get into your pants?” he’s trying desperately to recover, to sound teasing, joking. He’s not sure how well of a job he’s doing.

Steve stops laughing and quirks an eyebrow at him, a little amused smile on his lips. “Into my pants?” he snorts and rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Just about as much as I’m worried that the moon’s going to come crashing down from outer space and destroy the planet. No one tries to get into my pants. Don’t be mean Barnes.”

“You are so full of shit Rogers,” Bucky laughs and it’s his turn to roll his eyes. “I can’t wait for you to get here so I can sock you every time you say dumb shit like that.”

#stucky fic #stucky #mmo au #my wips #just so you guys know #the game they're playing is mostly based on guild wars 2 #because that's my mmo of choice #this has been sitting in my wips folder untouched since november

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skillwiththequill · 7 years

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answer all 150. do it. i fuckin dare ya

....

.......

This took me over an hour. I hope you’re happy.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Probably my niece, Eliza. She is turning 2 soon and is HECKIN ADORABLE.

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends on the situation. If I am comfortable then I am outgoing, if I am stressed or uncertain I am shy.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Solomon, the boy I like

4. Are you easy to get along with? Maybe? I dunno. I can be pleasant, but sometimes I don’t give a crap whether people like me or not and I’m just unabashedly myself.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I think both the people I like would take care of me. One would do it better than the other, but they are both really nice people. I feel like the one who would take care of me better would probably insist on a serious conversation afterwards though, because we are LDS and drinking isn’t really a thing we are allowed to do. Yeah...

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? People who care about things a lot. People who are snarky. People who listen to me. People who like to make me smile.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? And ruin my almost 22 year streak? Not a chance, bruh.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Definitely not a boy named Solomon. Actually I have been thinking about my brother a lot lately, he is going through some stuff right now. That isn’t a fun crush-type response though. Sorry.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not nearly as much as it used to. It depends on the people I’m with obviously, but I feel less weird about it than I used to.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Marissa.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?” Kk. Let us know when you get home, okay?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? The World is Wide Enough, Emma Dear (by a friend, you won’t know it), Breathe... I dunno. I don’t listen to a lot of music.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Lots. Right now it is all split endy though, which makes me feel super self conscious because split endy hair insta-tangled.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes?

15. What good thing happened this summer? I got to spend a month with my niece and the polar bear at the zoo liked her a lot.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ....never been kissed. Sorry to disappoint

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Given the vastness of the universe, probably. Intelligent life? Given the vastness of the universe......probably?

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Not really. I should Facebook message him actually, I heard he just started at my school

19. Do you like bubble baths? Yeah. Gotta have a book or an audiobook though. I can’t handle being alone with my thoughts that long.

20. Do you like your neighbors? I have a downstairs neighbor I like a lot and there is a girl in my building that I absolutely ADORE. In general though, I don’t know my neighbors.

21. What are you bad habits? When I feel insecure my knee-jerk reactions are usually pretty manipulatory. I don’t like that about myself.

22. Where would you like to travel? Top 3 are New Zealand, Germany, and London.

23. Do you have trust issues? yeah

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? My favorite parts of the day are when I’m cooking. I don’t really have a fave routine though.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? The part that I’m uncomfortable with that affects my daily life is my upper arms. They don’t look good and I can’t wear a few shirts because they either show too much of them or the sleeve gets super stretched and gross looking. Overall least favorite part is probably my tummy though.

26. What do you do when you wake up? Go back to sleep or read stuff on my phone.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Not really. I like my skin tone. I am a little paler than I usually like right now because I don’t go outside anymore, but it isn’t something I would wish to instantly happen.

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Marissa. Maybe Bethany.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Never had a relationship, can’t exactly have an ex.

30. Do you ever want to get married? Yeah.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yup.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I don’t think I would feel comfortable with a threesome or no strings attatched sex, so I am gonna pass on this one.

33. Spell your name with your chin. azlkytszsxza wedastghgewrfsdtyoln

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Naw.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? I reject the premise of this question. TV is a very specific mode of entertainment and music is super broad. Does “music” mean listening to an audio file or does it mean I can’t sing or play the piano or go to a concert? As it is, the two options are not in the same category and I refuse to play along with this insanity.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yyuuuuuuup.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? CAW

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Cares a lot about people and things. Snarky. Likes to make me smile and entertains my bad jokes. Holds me. Sorry y’all, I can’t give a physical description really.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? bookstores. grocery stores.

40. What do you want to do after high school? um. Go to college. Already there, bruh. If we translate this to college, I’d say work in DC and then become Toby Ziegler.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? I think they should be offered a second chance, but that second chance may not look the way they expect. They deserve an opportunity, but they have to earn trust.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m in my head and I probably shouldn’t be there. It means you should give me a way to get out of whatever situation I am in and take me to a private place and ask if I am okay.

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes. Usually it is the White People smile/grimace/nod thing.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Where in outer space? If I get to go to another planet, I pick that. If I am just gonna chill in emptiness that is cool and all, but I would probably prefer DEEP bottom of the ocean. More to see.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? work. Class. books. friends.

46. What are you paranoid about? nobody likes me and they all just tolerate me because they pity me and I don’t have any actual friends.

47. Have you ever been high? I’ve been in a plane, does that count? One time at the dentist I got pretty loopy from nitrous.

48. Have you ever been drunk? no

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? maroon

51. Ever wished you were someone else? frequently

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? do I have to pick one thing? If I can’t get a whole new me, I wish I could cut down a lot on the self doubt.

53. Favourite makeup brand? I don’t wear makeup really.

54. Favourite store? half-price books. Or Winco.

55. Favourite blog? I’m going to change this question to favorite twitter and answer LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA’S

56. Favourite colour? Yellow

57. Favourite food? depends on what I am craving. Rught now probably asparagus.

58. Last thing you ate? lefotver lasagna and a side salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? ...a bit of leftover lasagna while I was toasting oats for a quick granola to put on my yogurt.

60. Ever won a competition? For what? yeah a lot. Singing, speaking, debate, and Academic Decathlon in general. Plus random crap like indexing competitions and a lord of the rings trivia competition.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? heh. heh. I started a doctor who club in my high school without permission and put up a couple posters at which point I got in-school suspension for graffiti.

62. Been arrested? For what? no, Got pulled over one time because the inspection on my dad’s car was overdue and I was driving it to work.

63. Ever been in love? ...not reciprocated romantic love.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I’ll let you know

65. Are you hungry right now? naw, had some leftover lasagna.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? some of them more than some of them. I have about 5 favorite people in the world and 2 of them are tumblr friends.

67. Facebook or Twitter? ugh. I don’t actually use twitter, I go to a few specific feeds and read those. So probably facebook, even though I hate facebook.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tujmblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? no, I am answering questions. When I finish I will probably continue watching Speechless.

70. Names of your bestfriends? okay so does this have to be reciprocated best friend-ships? Because a lot of people are more important to me than I am to them and I don’t know if they count.

71. Craving something? What? I want some water right now.

72. What colour are your towels? light green. Close to that teal-y shade that everyone and their mom loves right now.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?1. Sometimes 2.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yeah, a teddy bear named Jamison.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 2. Back home I have a stuffed kitten named Silver. My older brothers used to torture her to make me cry.

75. Favourite animal? if dead pets count, my cat Pantouf. If not, a lynx

76. What colour is your underwear? beige

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? depends on the selection. I like me some burnt almond fudge though.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black, with a dark grey sweater over it.

80. What colour pants? medium dark jeans

81. Favourite tv show? the show I am watching right now is Orange is the New Black. My favorite TV show is The West Wing still.

82. Favourite movie? I dunno. I like the prestige. Right now I want to watch Finding Dory.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? haven’t seen the second

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? haven’t seen 21 Jump Street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? idk, it has been a while. The gay guy.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? The Starfish

87. First person you talked to today? I woke up for 20 seconds to say bye to my roommate, but I went back to sleep. So probably my coworker who called to ask how to fix a printer.

88. Last person you talked to today? Angie, my downstairs neighbor.

89. Name a person you hate? Trump

90. Name a person you love? Marissa

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? yes

92. In a fight with someone? never been in a physical fight that was not for training in Tae Kwon Do

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 1 pair of sweatpants and 1 pair of yoga pants.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3 hoodies, 3 sweaters. Only 1 sweater that I wear over other things though.

95. Last movie you watched? I Am Not a Serial Killer. Y’all should watch it, it is on Netflix.

96. Favourite actress? Kate McKinnon

97. Favourite actor? I guess probably still David Tennant, though I haven’t watched anything with him in it for months.

98. Do you tan a lot? I mean, I tan easily. I don’t ever go somewhere with the purpose of tanning though. It just happens when I am at the beach or I am walking or whatever.

99. Have any pets? none at school, 2 cats and a dog at home.

100. How are you feeling? thirsty

101. Do you type fast? eh. Not really. Faster than I used to, but most people under the age of 40 can probably blow me out of the water.

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah

103. Can you spell well? yeah

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? a lot

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? I grew up by the beach. All the time.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I doubt it.

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes. One time it didn’t end well, the second time it was fine.

108. What should you be doing? I should probably go to the bathroom. Idk, it is Friday before a 3 day weekend. I don’t have a lot pressing on me rn.

109. Is something irritating you right now? fearmongering about GMOs

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yup

111. Do you have trust issues? wasn’t this already a question? IT TOTALLY WAS. #3.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Probably my roommate Makenna. Last semester was rough.

113. What was your childhood nickname? My mother came up with a lot of inane nicknames for me. I’ll share “Wyssie”

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yup, lots. I am outside it now.

115. Do you play the Wii? When I am home.

116. Are you listening to music right now? I can half hear the music my roommate is playing in her room.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? It aight.

118. Do you like Chinese food? Depends on where it is from and whether there is congealed pig blood in it.

119. Favourite book? The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Not really.

121. Are you mean? I don’t try to be. I probably come off that way dometimes though. Or rather, I come off as insensitive/self-centered sometimes. I wish I could stop that.

122. Is cheating ever okay? no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I’ve never legitimately tried and I don’t see myself trying.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? yeah

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? people. Being not me.

128. Would you change your name? my name is fine.

129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius

130. Do you like subway? I worked there for 2 years and I still like it. Except for the cold cut combo. Don’t get the cold cut combo, it is disgusting.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Think about it a lot and potentially go out on a date with them. Idk. I don’t currently have a male best friend.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? okay this one is a repeat too. What is with this noise.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? teach me how to say goodbye

134. Can you count to one million? why? I mean I theorhetically can, I doubt I would have the patience though.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I bet I told some idiotic ones when I was little. Don’t remember them.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? yes. Usually closed, but I don’t care if they are open.

137. How tall are you? 5′7″

138. Curly or Straight hair? wavy

139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette

140. Summer or Winter? Late Fall

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? December

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark

145. Tea or Coffee? tea made from things that are not tea leaves.

146. Was today a good day? it was aight.

147. Mars or Snickers? never had a mars bar

148. What’s your favourite quote? The stigma will last as long as our silence.

149. Do you believe in ghosts? I think I believe in spirits, but I don’t believe they come visit us

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? There’s nothing rich folks love more/than going downtown and slummin’ it with the poor (hamilton: the revolution)

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