#but. i just think its literally never fixed anything
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4Me 4Me - Matt sturniolo
♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱
♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱
Summary: completely ghosting your ex boyfriend definitely helped you get over him…right ??
Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI !!!, use of alcohol, weed, and nicotine, language, tiny bit of smut, switch!matt x Switch!reader, uses of pet names (baby, honey, sweetheart, pretty girl), not proof read, lmk if I missed anything
Word count: 5.8k
You and Matt dated for a year and ended up on bad terms due to your jealous toxic behavior and Matt’s possessiveness. For the first 2 months of the break up yall stayed in contact and still acted like a couple until you got a fucking grip and completely ghosted him on the 3rd month. You started going out a lot more and making new friends even flirted with a couple guys but nothing was truly helping that bit of emptiness that you still felt without Matt.
It’s now been 10 months since you and Matt broke up and 8 months since you’ve completely cut contact. You stopped going out as much you really just focusing on yourself and fixing your bad behaviors making yourself a bit cold and distant with everyone in your life, your friend even calling you “heartless” at one point. And maybe also you know tattoo therapy….
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Tara invited me to her party that’s tonight and of course I said yes, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her or even went to a party period.
Its was currently 8pm and I’m contemplating going now that I’ve been staring at myself in the mirror or a bit to long
“Yeah no I can’t wear a dress”
Everything about it was just unflattering and too feminine I change into some baggy dark wash jeans with one of those black rave star halter tops that literally only covers your boobs and the rest of it is straight up string
I accessories with a black BEBE belt , black and white tie dye beanie, studded cuff bracelets, and to finish off the look some black and white DC shoes. I also make sure to lift my thong a tad bit so you could see it poking out of my waistband
“Okay now I feel better”
I definitely started dressing less fem and more masc over these couple months but honestly it’s a nice change I personally think it’s made my style better
I check the time it’s 8:30pm and my Uber should be here in 5 minutes. I grab my phone, my vape, my penjamin, and my house keys. Lock the door and happily go outside and get in my Uber
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Pulling up to Tara’s party you got a bit of a qweezie feeling in your stomach but just brush it off texting Tara letting her know your here and step out of the car thanking the Uber then head inside.
It was loud and surprisingly dark you try to look around and see if you recognized anyone…..JAKE ! It was always easy to spot him due to his height. You head in the direction of Jake but also looking around to see if you know anyone else, you see Tana in the distance with her bf, Johnnie awkwardly standing next to Sam while he talks to Colby. It was nice to see your friends again you couldn’t lie you missed being out like this.
You finally get to Jake lightly tugging on his jacket for him to notice you, Jake looks down in confusion but breaks into a smile once he sees you
“Y/NNNNN nice to see that you escaped prison” he chuckles and embraces you into a hug
“Please don’t make me seem like a criminal Infront of people that don’t know me” chuckles “but thank you I really have Tara to thank though, speaking of her where is she ?”
“I actually do not know but maybe the bar knowing her”
Chuckles “yeah you’re right”
You turn in the direction of the bar and sure enough you see her tiny self
“God damn y/n how many tattoos did you get within these past couple months, your more covered than me”
You look around confused for a second then realized you never posted about your tattoos when you got them
“Oh shit right dude honestly um I thinkkkk twenty, cause I have 28 in total right now and when we meet I only had 8”
“Your crazy”
“Says you you also have a fuck ton of tattoos”
“Yeah but mine are small patch work you’res is like HUGE”
“If you think any of these are huge then you should see my most recent tattoo it goes down my whole leg”
“Your actually insane now go see Tara cause she has something for you”
He lightly pushes the small of your back in the direction of the bar which you moved heading to where Tara is your anxiety spiking for some reason you take a hit of your vape and continue
Tara sees you coming her way and started squealing in excitement and runs to hug you and you hug her back of course
“Ughhh you don’t know how much I’ve missed you you really went all ghost on everyone for so long” she looks you up and down “like look at these tattoos most of these weren’t here a while go” she chuckles “you look so hot though maybeeee might get a guys number you neverrrr know”
You laugh at her teasing blushing a little bit
“Nono I’m really not here for that I just want to have a good time you know that”
“Hehe okay we’ll take a shot with me pleaseeee”
“Just one”
“Three”
“Two”
“Fine two”
“Give me a chaser bro I am not taking these straight”
Tara laughs handing you her Diet Coke “Go first”
I throw back both of the shots then chug down the coke
“Uhhh fuck I hate alcohol so much”
You Take a hit of your vape and pen
“Smoking is also bad for you, you know”
“Yes but I much rather kill my lungs then my liver thank you very much, also Jake said you have something for me what is it”
“Oh yeah um it’s not a gift or anything but more like someone gave me this to give back to you, open your hand”
You give Tara your hand while she places something in it
“Promise me not to get upset”
“I can’t promise anything Tara but I won’t make a big deal out of it”
“Okay”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
She moves her hand, it’s a ring and bracelet…. Matt’s ring and bracelet that I gave him when we first started dating.
“Well that sucks it’s the one thing I wasn’t expecting coming from him, give it back to him they’re his not mine”
“Give it to him yourself y/n it’s been 8 months”
“Yeah I guess right…”
Tara smiles a little
“Okay well let’s not worry about that now let’s have fun”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Nick pov
“MATT YOURE COMING INSIDE”
“NO IM NOT I BROUGHT YOU AND CHRIS HERE NOW GET OUT”
“I’m tired of your depressed self you never have fun, ever since y/n broke up with you, you’ve been MISERABLE and I’m tired of it, it’s been 8 months officially, tighten the fuck up and get over it”
“Matt you even got ready JUST GO IN you act like we’re gonna see y/n, I tell you all the time that women has CHANGED for the better at that. she doesn’t go out anymore she’s a homebody and on her work grind dude”
“I don’t understand why you still talk to her”
“She didn’t want too for the longest but I made her stay my friend cause I didn’t wanna lose a good friend cause of my brothers possessives and his own problem’s”
“She also had things wrong with her”
“NO SHIT MATTTTTTT SHES THE ONE WHO NOTICED THAT AND DECIDED TO END IT”
“Matt come on dude you’ll be with us the whole time”
“I do not wanna go”
“You are not about to miss ANOTHER Tara yummy party now get your ass out of the car, NICK GRAB HIM”
I hop out of car and open the driver door and pull Matt out the car while Chris pushes him out, Matt is extremely pissed off
“OKAY JUST GET THE FUCK OFF ME”He straightens himself out
“Okay we can go inside yall are so annoying”
“Wait Matt where is your ring and bracelet?”
“I guess I just forgot them”
“You fucking idiot”
I could tell he was lying it’s not hard to tell he always wears them and he was fidgeting with his hands way to much
My phone vibrated in my pocket it was from y/n
“Nick are you at Tara’s party ?”
“About to go in why !?”
“Im coming outside”
“WAIT YOURE HERE ?!?!?”
“Um yeah Tara invited me??”
“Stay inside”
“Now why the fuck would you tell me to stay inside?”
I look up from my phone to see y/n coming towards us with a confused look on her face
“Oh fuck”
My eyes dart to the side looking at matt for the second, she turns her head to look at him then tilts her head
“Oh That’s why, well I came to give you Matts bracelet and ring back but since he’s here”
She walks to him and places Matt’s bracelet and ring in his hand
“Next time don’t send someone else to do your dirty work Matthew I know you’re not weak like that”
“Y/n I-“
“You don’t have to explain yourself Matt I don’t need to know, it was good see you three, I’ll be going inside now if you’ll excuse me”
We watched as y/n walked back inside
“Now if I must say y/n has only gotten more attractive, holy fuck even the way she composed herself”
“Chris shut the fuck up” I start “well is that what you wanted Matt”
“Her tattoos…holy fuck”
“Oh my god your not even paying attention”
“I am I am but what the hell why did she only get more attractive and I’ve gotten less”
“Your not ugly your a very handsome boy”
“Yes a very attractive young man”
“Okay yeah but COMPARED TO THAT no dude I just fumbled”
“I mean not really yall where toxic asf nearing the end of it”
“Yeah but she’s changed”
“And you haven’t soooo let’s move on with this conversation and get THE FUCK inside please and thank you”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Y/n pov
I run back inside to find tara and grab her by the arm
“Matt is here I ran into him by accident”
“Girl huh how?”
“Nick told me he was outside so I went to give him Matt’s stuff but he was literally right there I just gave Matt his stuff of course but I spoke to him but I feel like I was super harsh with it”
“Girl breathe… talk to him literally what is the harm it’s been 8 months I’m sure he would understand also it’s not like you like him still”
Bats eyelashes blank stare
“Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me y/n”
“IM JOKING IM JOKING but I do wanna apologize to him for everything cause it was mostly my fault”
“Okay but wasn’t he like overly possessive”
“Yeah… but I always pushed his boundaries with that shit and was always insecure and made him not have any privacy like I definitely need to apologize to him more than he does to me”
“Instead of telling me that why don’t you just go”
“Heeehhh let me go hotbox the restroom and enjoy my first thennnn I’ll go talk to him later in the night”
“Might as well get another shot in while you’re at it”
“Ugh fineeee just because I know your gonna bother me about it anyways”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Its 10:35pm now your a bit more drunk then you would like and you where also a tad bit high as well.
You feel all sweaty and crammed now kinda wanting to go home now but you still wanna talk to Matt so you go to find him. you stumble apon chris first though he was sitting and talking to colby and his girlfriend Malia
“Hmm chris have you seen matt?”
“I havent actually why”
“I wanna talk to him”
“y/n youre drunk”
“Yes i know chris im not gonna do anything stupid trust”
“Hmm dont know if i should”
“He going into the bathroom right now” colby spoke up
“Hehe thank you colby also Malia you look absolutely gorgeous”
“Thank you y/n” she giggles
“Hmm of course”
You very joyfully head to where that bathrooms are and stand there and wait for matt to come out, getting more nervous you hit your pen
“You waiting for someone beautiful”
You look up and meet eyes with a guy youve never meet before, you look at him confused
“Random flattery wont work on me”“Awe come on you wouldnt dress that way for no reason”
“What are you implying exactly huh”
“You know what i mean look at you” he goes to grab your waist and you back up
“Hm okay well imma give you two options now. 1. Leave and dont bother me again, or 2. Continue to harass me and i make a scene”
“Awe come on a pretty girl like you shouldn’t be threatening no one” he went to brush your hair behind your ear but you slap his hand away
“Try some stupid shit again dawg”
“Awe what you think you all tuff i bet i could bend you over right here and fuck that attude out of you”
You spit in his face “lmao the fuck you think you are”
“YOU BITCH” he pushes you hard against the wall winding you
Just in the blink on an eye you see matt grab the dude by his collar his slam him against the wall “watch your fucking mouth and if see you put your hands on any women again ill wont just slam you against a wall next time, patchetic excuse of a man” matt lets go of the guy looking over at you worried then comes over too you
“Are you okay ?”
“Yeah i didnt feel it tbh im a little to drunk”
“Um can i jus-”
“Wait no dont say anything can we talk outside i really need to talk to you”
“Um yeah lets go to the van”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
You both head outside and get in the van at first it’s just silence between yall until Matt clears his throat so you speak up
“it’s been a while since I’ve sat up here”
“Yeah it’s one think Chris doesn’t have to worry about anymore”
“He must of loved when I stopped coming around huh”
“Only for the part he didn’t have to fight anyone for front seat, he misses messing with you he really sees you as a older sister y/n”
You didn’t even hear him you were too much in your head which lead to word vomit
“I’m sorry for everything, I was a pretty shitty girlfriend I never had trust for you even though you gave me no reason to feel like that I had a lot of mental health issues going on and I pushed everything onto you and it just became more and more toxic cause my jealously and insecurity’s only grew… I truly am sorry for everything”
There was a moment of pure silence which scared you a bit until Matt let out a light chuckle
“I see that you’ve gotten way better at talking about your feelings”
“Yeah it’s called get on anti depressants and getting help”
“Oh shit sorry..”
“Nono oh my god I was joking about the anti depressants, I am on ADHD medications now though” you laugh and how easily he believed you
“You’re an idiot”
“Youre a bigger one”
“Shut up”
“Hey, don’t catch an attitude with me Mister” you grab him by the chin making him look at you then let go
“Okay I’m sorry I take it back, but I do wanna say I still can’t apologize to you about how possessive I was cause well it hasn’t changed, I thought it was cause well I haven’t had any interest in anybody but no… seeing you again especially with other guys it gave the same feeling in the stomach that it did back then as well”
“Matt can I ask you something”
“Yeah of course ?”
“When we were together what was i for you”
He looks at you confused but then just sighs
“Everything. You made everything just feel so perfect nothing was bothersome anymore all my thoughts would leave my head I was just happy… anytime I was away from you all I was waiting for was you to text or call me once you weren’t busy anymore or asleep, everything revolved around you because I wanted it too, you felt like my true safe place… and when you ghosted me it honestly ruined me.
“Matt…”
“I thought it was some kinda sick joke at first but even Nick and Chris couldn’t get through to you.. it felt like my whole world crumbled down. After the first week I got a little better since Nick forced you not to break contact with him and Chris just because of me, I’m pretty sure neither of them told you this but sometime when you would call them they would have the phone on speaker just so I could hear your voice…it was the least they could do they said cause they felt bad”
“I’m sorry Matt I didn’t know it affected you so much…but I do remember on the 4th month of having no contact with you Nick called me at like 3am asking me if I could just get back with you could shut up but I didn’t know what he ment at the time”
He looked confused for a second but then it clicked
“I woke him up one night cause I couldn’t sleep and just complained about how much I missed you”
“You know I unblocked your number on the 4th month right?”
“Huh no what ?!?”
“Yeah I unblocked your number a while ago totally not to see if you would call me or something…but since you didn’t I just assumed you were over it at that point, it lifted a weight off my shoulders but now knowing that wasn’t the case, I’m sorry”
“Hm don’t apologize you didn’t know”
“I still feel bad” you pout
“Wipe that pout off your face you look ridiculous”
“Ugh you’re still so mean when I pout”
“Uh yeah your not a kid don’t baby yourself”
“I don’t even mean too you know that”
He laughs resulting in you taking a hit of your cart and exhale in his face, he waves the smoke out of his face
“Rude”
“YA MOTHER, actually I take that back I love your mom so much”
“She actually asked about you last week well she asked Nick not me”
“Awe did she really?”
“Yeah she asked when you would come to visit her in Boston”
“What yall tell her?”
“Nick told her that he would ask you”
“He never did ask”
“Oh well um when would you wanna go see her and dad?”
“Next time yall take the trip out there I’ll go with yall”
A huge smile plasters across Matts face, he uses his hand to cover his face trying not to seem more happy then he needed to be
“Yeah okay, I’ll let Chris and Nick know and we’ll figure out a week to go”
“Okay perfect, I’m actually kinda excited I haven’t been in forever”
“Does this mean we’re back to being friends?”
“Absolutely” you give him a bright smiles “just make sure to not go back into bad habits, I’ll make Nick go off on you”
“Yeah yeah whatever”
“I’m serious Matthew”
“I promise I won’t go back to my old bad habits”
“Pinky promise”
I hold my pinky out so Matt can interlock his but got distracted by the feeling of the car door opening behind me, it was Chris
“UGHHHAHHHHHH MOVE”
“Chris back now don’t even start”
“She just came back and I already have to sit in the back”
“She’s a women she gets front, go”
“Ughhh”
Chris dramatically closes the door with a big huff then gets in the back with Nick
“Sorryyyyy”
“You’re not sorry you have a full smile on your face”
I couldn’t help but giggle, I missed this to be honest.
“Okay let’s get y/n home and then call it a night huh”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Almost 4 months have passed since the party, you started hanging out with the triples more often even if it was just to sit in there house and do work, Nick wanted you up and out of your house even making you run errands with him and Matt just like yall use to. You were mostly with Nick and sometimes Chris for the first 2 weeks but gradually starting hanging with Matt more often weither it be watching a movie together or just talking about a topic over a meal.
After a month has passed yall started going on night drives together sometimes it wouldnt even be days you were at the house he would just randomly come by your place and tell you to come downstairs. Matt always knew you enjoyed listening to music and driving around at night and it was a nice way to catch up more, matt even opened up a bit more about his insecurities and internal struggles
Now going into a new month the boys planned a trip to Boston to visit their parents and of course you’re going along, you’re currently all packed and waiting for Matt to get to your place your legs bounce with anxiety but also excitement, you haven’t seen there parents in a while
Soon enough Matt texted you that they were here, you quickly headed downstairs seeing the van putting your luggage in the back you could hear Matt screaming at Chris to get in the back, Chris gets out of the front with a huff and gestures at you the get in
“Let’s go passenger princess we don’t have all day we have a flight to catch”
“Chris just shush”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
It’s now 6pm, trip there was nice no difficulties or anything except for Chris trying to scare you while on the plane resulting in Nick and Matt silently yelling at him cause he made you scream super loud by accident. once getting through all the airport security and whatnot yall where finally able to get outside, Nick ordered a Uber for yall while yall waited. You’re still a little tried leaning your head on Matt’s shoulder
“Y/n?”
“Hmm?”
“You okay?”
“Mhm just still tired, sorry”
“It’s okay, you can take a nap in my room when we get to the house yeah?”
“Can we eat first?”
“Mom knows we’re coming she said she’s making us dinner so you’ll eat don’t worry”
He tucks your hair behind your hair and kisses the top of your head, only recently he started being physically affectionate with you again and your fine with it he knows your boundaries
Soon enough the Uber gets there and yall head to the sturniolo household
Once there the boys head in first and you follow behind them, Mary Lou ignored the boys and engulfed you into a big hug
“Ohh honey how have you been”
“I’ve been good, how have you been?”
“Oh honey you know the same old same old nothing new around here, I’m glad to see you again I thought I wouldn’t see you again after Matt told me yall broke up”
“I thought the same thing to be honest but everything is worked out now, I’m glad to see you again and doing well”
“Same to you”
“Ayeeee look who it is, my daughter in law that’s technically not my daughter in law anymore but still definitely is to me”
You laugh at jimmys comment before he gives you a small squeeze
“It’s nice to see you again sweetheart”
“Same to you”
“Okok whatever y/n isn’t important what about your sons?”
Of course Chris had to speak up, you see Matt rushing back downstairs you didn’t even see him go upstairs
“Your stuff is in my room if you need anything”
“Thank you Matt”
“Mhm of course”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
It’s been 3 days since yall have been in Boston it’s been a lot of family time and catching up, you’ve been sleeping in Matt’s room on his bed while he continues to protest to sleep on the couch in the living room even though youve told him multiple times that its okay for him to sleep with you.
Its currently 8pm on a wednesday evening its just you and matt in the house chilling in the living room. mary lou, jimmy, chris, and nick went out to a small get together with friends. Matt didnt wanna go out which is common, you stayed because well your not from boston and dont know anybody theyre going out with plus you really wanted to catch up on your reading since your behind.
You get up from the couch to stretch
“Imma go take a quick shower”
“You showered yesterday though?’
“Imma just wash my body off not like im washing my hair”
“Hm okay have fun”
“I guess??”
You giggle as you walk away genuinely wondering why he seemed annoyed by you going to take a shower. You clip your hair back then grab some jammies and your hygiene stuff then go to the restroom to take your quick shower. You lied about the the quick shower you actually ended up doing an everything shower minus your hair cause you felt like it, it still wasnt super long only 20 minutes. After drying off you slip on your black lace panties and your junji ito PJ pants over them, tossing on a black spagettii strap not bothering to put a bra on, You also do your skin care then clean up and head back to matts room putting your dirty clothes in the basket you and matt are sharing for the time being.
You grab your headphones, penjamin, reading glasses, and book from your bag then get comfortable on matts bed putting in your headphone and connecting them to your phone choosing your reading playlist, opening your book placing the book mark next to you and put your glasses on, finally taking a blinker cough your lungs out a bit and now ready to get completely immersed in the book.
Its been 20 minutes since you finished showering matt figured you would comeback downstairs once your done but youve been gone for 40 minutes now and it was bothering him so he went upstairs to his room to see you peacefully reading on his bed not even noticing that he walked in, he decided not to bother you and just grabbed clothes so he could go shower as well leaving you be for now until he was done.
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
I picked up my phone to check the time its 7:27pm youve been reading for a little over an hour now, you take a quick stretch then sit back down to continue reading
“Damn you still reading?”
“Oh hm?”
I look up from my book and see Matt shirtless with grey sweatpants on and damp hair. I could feel my face heating up
“I came In here earlier and you were reading I figured by the time I finished my shower you would be done, didn’t know you wear glasses though when did that start”
“Oh. Um they’re just reading glasses I’ve had them for a while now but I never really read but now I use them all the time”
“Can you look at me and point your finger up”
Confused but curious I do as he says, he takes a picture and starts laughing
“You’re so cute”
“Oh shut up, let me see”
“I’m being serious”
He walks over to me showing me his phone with a stupid smile on his face
“I look so stupid”
“Erm actually looking ahh”
“SHUT UP”
“I’m kidding I’m kidding, I think you look very beautiful with your glasses”
He places his hand under my chin making me look up at him threw my glasses
“Don’t look at me with those eyes sweetheart”
“Maybe keep your mind out of the gutter, I’m just looking at you Matt”
He chuckles and lets go of my chin
“Well I’m headed back downstairs enjoy the rest of your night”
“Matt for the love of god can you just stay up here with me”
“Naw naw I don’t wanna bother you”
“Matthew Bernard sturniolo please stay with me”
I don’t know why I’m begging, but I just wanted to be with him I wanted it to feel like old times I don’t want him to put that space between us anymore, I just want him again.
“Are you sure?”
“Matt I swear to god-“
“Okok I get it I’ll stay”
“Okay, I’m almost done with with book though so give me like 5 minutes”
The moment I pick up my book he takes it from my hand and places it in a higher spot where I can’t reach
“You’re done reading cause I’m bored and cause I said so”
“Fine”
I take off my glasses as Matt crawled into bed with me, cuddling closer to him he wraps his arm around me and plays with my hair
“What’s going on sweetheart, what’s going through your head”
“Nothing why do you think that ?”
“Well it’s just that this is the first time we’ve done this In a long time so you know”
“I just wanna be close to you I don’t know, I’m comfortable around you”
“Glad I make you feel comfortable”
He kisses my forehead continuing to run his fingers through my hair, I drape my arm over his chest scooting myself closer to him
“Matt.”
“Yes?”
“Is it bad that I don’t wanna let you go ever again”
“No, cause neither do I. You’re so important to me on so many levels just those 8 months alone went to show me that I was miserable without you”
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t apologize, you did what you had to do and guess what you learning and progressing also helped me out you know”
Just watching him talk made you smile, Matt in general makes your heart feel warm
“Matt can you kiss me?…”
“Woah..y/n I-“
“Nevermind sorry that was to mu-“
Matt cups my cheeks and places a small peck on my lips then looks at me for reassurance, I nod my head. He pulls me into another kiss it’s slow but passionate just like it’s always been, I began to move myself from my side to the middle to straddle him, my thighs on either side of his body directly placed above his slowly but surely growing erection. I break the kiss, Matt places his hands on my thighs looking up at me
“Are you sure about this”
“If I wasn’t I would tell you”
“Hmkay just making sure baby, is it okay if I mark you”
“Only if they’re hidden”
“Can I make just one of them noticeable?”
“If you buy me the pair of shoes I’ve been wanting”
I said it as a joke cause Osiris NYC 83 skate shoes are 1. Expensive and 2. Lowkey hard to find especially the color ways I want. Seeing a smile spread across Matt’s face told me that he already bought me the shoes and I should have come up with a better deal.
“Whatever your thinking in your pretty little head in correct”
He flipped us over him now being on top of me
“Safe word is meatball”
“Matthew you’ve gotta be kidding me”
He chuckles and kisses my neck
“I’m joking sweetheart gosh, you know it’s always been strawberry nothing has changed”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
He carefully takes the clip out of your hair throwing it across the room, he kisses the side of your lip slowly going down peppering kisses over your neck he lightly bites down on your collarbone earning a whimper out of you
“Ow Matt”
“Sorry baby”
He kisses where he bit soothing his hand over it with his other hand slipping it under your shirt
“Can I take this off?”
You nod your head
“Words sweetheart”
“Yes”
“Arms up”
He easily slips your shirt off again tossing it across the room
“No bra?”
“Shut up”
“Yes ma’am”
He kisses down your chest to stomach leaving marks every once in a while, coming back to your lips giving you a small peck
“My pretty girl”
Your face heats up in embarrassment making you cover your face with your arms
“Awe come on don’t do that baby, let me see your pretty face”
You put your arms down
“There’s my beautiful girl”
“Matt just fuck me”
He chuckles “your so impatient I’m just admiring you honey, it’s been too long also just look at these beautiful tattoos on you”
He traces the stars that go down your left ribs, you squeeze you thighs together at this point everything Matt is doing just feels like teasing
“Do you really need me that bad”
“Oh shut the fuck up”
Matt slides his finger under your waist band
“When is the last time you’ve came y/n”
“Matt don’t make me answer that”
“No I wanna hear the answer”
“Matthew”
“Yes sweetheart”
You sighed knowing damn well he wasn’t gonna let it go
“The week before I ghosted you”
“Hm that was also the last time we had sex isn’t it?”
“Yes now shut up and just fuck me Matt please”
“At least you said please”
He quickly pulls down your bottoms panties included, Kissing down your stomach once again until reaching your pussy giving it a light peck
“Already wet huh?”
You close your legs around his head, you notice his eyes scanning over the tattoo on your under right thigh
“Yeah and what your gonna do about it ??”
“Eat you the fuck out”
(I would write full smut for yall but I’m genuinely so bad at it..)
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Now naked cuddling in bed together watching SpongeBob while Matt plays with your hair making you doze off a little
“You tried sweetheart?”
“Kinda”
“Let me get some clothes on you then we can sleep yeah?”
“Yeah”
Matt grabs you a pair of his boxers and a shirt of his
“You got it or want me to do it”
“I’ll do it just throw on some boxers please, I love you and your body and your dick very much but please cover it up”
“Repeat what you said”
“Throw on some boxers please”
“After that”
“I love you?”
“I love you too”
He puts on his boxers while you slip on your as well and put his shirt on, he lays back in bed tacking you in the process
“Does this mean we’re back together?”
“Don’t rush it pretty boy ask me again in the morning and I’ll say yes as of right now though let’s sleep”
“I love you so much”
“I love you too Matt, I won’t leave you again I promise”
“You better you know much I hate when you leave, just stay”
·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·
Ragghhh hihiiii um this is kinda an authors note i guesss sorry if this is kinda wack shit I had writters block for 8 months and this is my first writing coming out of it so be nice 3:
#matt sturniolo#matthew sturniolo#matt sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo x reader#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo smut#sturniolo x reader#Spotify#nick sturniolo#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#chris sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo smut#nick sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo x you#chris sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo x you#smut
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thinking more,,
#i cant help but feel horribly heartbroken every time i hear whats happening in gaza as well as so many other places#it feels like-- like none of this had to happen#i guess ive never even been in the same universe as someone who even sees one death as a solution#let alone thousands#as a jew especially it feels horrible#like this happened to us. and we're just doing it to someone else??? why??????#because if you walk into someones home kindly they will take you in. walk in with a gun and theres gonna be tension#i dont understand at all#and like maybe im naive. maybe im just young and my brain hasnt developed yet#and when im an adult ill understand how people could ever think war solves any problem#but. i just think its literally never fixed anything#sometimes people suck. should NOT kill them over it#and thats not even true in this situation!!! israel fucking sucks and theyre the ones commiting a genocide here!!!!!!!#if you walked in peacefully none of this wouldve happened#pass over is soon. and we'll say prayers and eat matza and have lots of food#and those across the globe will do the same. and yet they are murdering people#and we'll be in our safe warm houses and they will be dying#shouldnt there be some way to help them all???? america is one of the richest countries in the world and we're actively hurting them..#i genuinely cant fathom how people could ever think like that#i dont think evil exists but then i look at the world and i realize weve gotten pretty damn close#and yet i still have to wake up tomorrow#and i still have my own life to live#and the world doesnt stop for me to mourn strangers#i hate all of it. why cant we just be nice to people#anyways. ive just been trying mostly to avoid this topic esp online#this is my little safety zone and ive never really been one for politics; esp things that i dont understand#yknow i dont wanna spread misinfo; and at the same time i dont have the energy or knowledge to fact check#plus the whole emotional toll in a place that i just wanna unwind in#idk. i think im starting to feel like i cant just ignore all these posts anymore. im kinda starting to feel like i wanna scream#all of this really fucking sucks. this shouldnt be happening
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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I know people say youre never too old to improve your art but hoh boy does it suck when burnout has made it impossible to improve as an artist as much as you wanted to in the past ten years and now im slowly accepting im going to feel like a mediocre artist forever :')
#And yeah my art is Ok#better than it was before but like#i am just so disappointed i havent improved as much as i wanted and also having a narcissist father who for years has discouraged my art#journey and he isnt subtle about thinking its a waste and how i should find a better career that gets me money faster#But my guy i am so fucking burnout and just not the brightest of people i am not fit for anything But art#and if i cant succeed in this field literally what is left for me#work some shitty retail job until i die?#literally worst fear#it also sucks bc being stuck in two soul sucking food service jobs in my late teens and early twenties made#trying to improve my art nearly impossible bc i was always so tired and so burnout and ive still felt like this even after quitting idk#point it ive tried but i havent tried enough but i dont have the energy to try more but if i dont try more im just going to keep being#a mediocre artist in my eyes and will never accomplish anything memorable#idk#i forgot where i was going w this but ig im just tired of feeling stagnant as an artist and not having the strength to fix it#Im just tired dude i wanna enjoy drawing again but everything feels like a chore
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oh my god u know the hrt is working when u get genuinely white girl drunk
#ive never been this drunk before this is crazy. the gender euphoria of not having any tolerance despite being able to drink 4 drinks a year#ago#like its that or someone Did something to this drink but it was from a housemate's stash. oh my god i wanted more of this im so glad im in#bed rn i could have made so many bad decisions#im like this close to posting one of the thirst(?) pics i took on my sideblog that i havent touched in a month#oh my god im fucking up so many words . gang im not pretending here i drank like 2 shots tops and its Fucking me somehow#WAIT I CAN EDIT TAGS#typos fixed :sunglasses:#genuinely crazy how much im feeling it tho ive literally Never felt it this much. id ask if ibuprofen or spiro interact w alcohol but i#think there was a decent amount of time between when i took both#yeah like i took spiro ~10:57 and then uh drank after. 11 hm ok this isnt as spaced out as i expected#i dont think im going to alcohol jail tho. im being responsible im In Bed im not gonna go do anything stupid (altho i do. want to ask#someone downstairs to do something stupid. but maybe thats the alcohol talking)#also shileas is downstairs and shes a bitch and i dont want to be cringy in front of her#i dont know if shes trans or just a really masc lesbian btw . shes cool but she also has some bad takes sometimes and i dont think she#likes me#im writng so many tags <3 but thats what love is. if anyones read this far idk like the post or something#you know the one post where the person puts an egg in their mouth. and then people share the tags. this is that#i was gonna be typing this out on a discord server but i thought no. this deserves to have everyone see it#man also if i went down and asked like if anyone wants to fuck like who would say yes . shileas is a super senior maeve is in a relationshi#p#i dont like riley and . man idk about griffin. but i think im a lesbian. maybe im just desperate.#bUT IM NOT GONNA. im not gonna.#i dont want to sleep tho i want to have fun :(( but my roommate is asleep#& its not like anyones gonna fuck me on this bed . with like my lovies (thats what i call my stuffed animals) and shit .#i genuinely didnt expect that i could get this drunk and whats crazy is i know i could be more drunk#can u imagine if someone reads this and goes 'well shes clearly sober and faking it' no </3 im simply very eloquent i was neglected as#a child so i read alot lol#whoops *a lot not alot#wasnt there a limit of like 26 tags. when do i hit that
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what is the truth. schrodinger's normal abnormal boy
#i was going to write a meta but i deleted it all bc i got embarrassed and can't put woRDS TOGETHER IN A SMART/CLEAR WAY#RHGHHH#its in my brain though i swear#its just abt daisuke's juvenile sense of confusion#hes young. hes a lil lost! he goes along with his family's phantom thievery but he doesn't necessarily completely enjoy it#it's complicated. he truly genuinely from the bottom of his heart loves art. but he doesn't necessarily like the stealing aspect#and he'd never ever steal anything deeply precious to anyone. he refuses to hurt anyone's feelings#but also- he's a little out of touch with things too sometimes. he keeps convincing himself he's 'mostly' or 'sorta' or 'pretty much' norma#when hes NEARLY DIED PLENTY OF TIMES thanks to his training#nobody normal comes home to electric doorknobs pitfalls alligators rabid dogs and lasers#his whole family is literally a family of criminals! he has live artworks w bonkers powers in his basement!#his own weird pet rabbit can FLY AND TALK#ud think turning into dark he'd be like 'well this might as well just happen' but in a way dark rlly was the last straw for daisuke#and like. there's nothing normal about any of this oagbdkgfk ESP IN A MODERN AGE!!!#but daisuke a) is a little willfully ignorant of it and b) genuinely ignorant of anything outside of it. bc again. hes a kid!#he doesn't have a lot of friends! he's a loser!#satoshi bringing up the tamers' cycles too. dark and daiki both agreeing that even if things seem fine now#that in the future the niwa and hikari would fight again. the niwa would cause the hikari pain#over and over. daisuke can't stand it. everyone keeps trying to tell him that his life and future is fixed#but if it's not one he agrees with or wants for himself then he's going to reject it#and that goes double for people like satoshi who have to reject krad. their sorrow and pain#bc it doesn't actually produce any beneficial outcome. its just senseless#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.
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LITERALLY THO like i hate how tfa bumblebee is reduced to a “so random! 😝🤪” only silly idiot prankster kinda guy when like. He’s smart! He’s caring! Yes he can be silly and yes he can be a bit reckless but he loves his friends and he can figure out how to care for them (like where he and bulk are comforting sari 🥺) and also figure out the best strategy to defeat whatever villain of the week is there! TFA bee means so much to me and i am also so excited for earthspark. Continuities where bumblebee is not the kid appeal character my beloves
LICHERALLY !!!! Like I love Bumblebees silly fun nature thats why he's one of my favorites ever, BUT IT DOESNT MEAN he can't be more than that.
Tfa in particular bothers me bc like. It's my fav bumblebee bc he has more bite and spunk (due to being based more on hot shot), but then. They never. Truly take him as seriously as other characters (except maybe bulk but that's bc hes also not taken seriously,)
which is so absurd bc he has some Legit shit going on with him that should fuck him up!! His whole career, his dreams, got flushed down the toilet bc he was unfortunate to have an instructor that doesn't like him and doesn't give him a chance (except when he did 1 singular time and then he immediately sent him to space repair duty for doing the noble thing and taking the fall for bulkhead)
And he doesn't get over this. He is still depressed about it when he says to Longarm "at least one of us achieved their dreams" in like the saddest tone ever (I think it's literally the saddest line delivery bee gives in the entire show) and he talks abt how no one believed he would amount to anything in the trial of megs script reading.
I'd argue his general behavior reflects this too (though idk how intentional it was), bc hes always like attention seeking- approval seeking. He wants to appear to Earth like he's a hero so he can feel successful (and that still went down the drain bc the humans started hating the autobots later)
But do they ever take time to address this issue and sympathize with him? No <3 instead they act like bee has no issues at all, to the point it's like "wasp is suffering so much, bumblebee wtf is wrong with you. YOU CANNOT RELATE TO LOSING EVERYTHING you just can't. nothing bad has ever happened to you. Go play videogames you stupid motherfucker" not that wasp isn't suffering but cmon. don't act like bee didnt have his entire career fucked over like it's not a serious thing
Not to mention as you said he has multitudes to him, he's caring and compassionate! He's quick witted and has lots of skill! He's not just a bumbling fool- Sentinel is wrong about that! (His assessment of ppl is not rlly accurate at all btw, he called bulkhead "bulk and no brains" when that guy is literally the leading expert on space bridge tech)
I am rlly excited to see earthspark bee bc its like. I think he's going to have the same kind of wise-cracking spunk tfa bee has BUT he is in a mentor role now. So there's a good chance he won't be reduced to being a silly jokester, bc he has to have some seriousness to teach (and thus the writers will treat him more seriously) also there's already those earth bots that are probably going to fill up that kid appeal role anyway
tldr: I love tfa bee's personality but I think his writing is lacking bc it doesn't take him as seriously as other characters, and I hope earthspark bee takes what's good abt tfa bee but gets better treatment from the writers
#sorry this took forever to respond i had to get all my thoughts together and thats hard for me sometimes akhdkfh#anyway#another reason i hate that they dont take tfa bee as seriously that im not gonna put in the text part of thia post#i think its part of the reason will insist hes a kid. like a literal child.#bc they took him less and less seriously over the course of the show#so he was just relegated to the guy that tells jokes and plays viddy games & hangs out with sari#and bumblebees voice got higher pitched#bc first ep bee. is much deeper pitched than s3 bee#so this all together makes ppl say shit like ''LOOK hes obviously teen coded'' like no thats bees character degrading as the show went on#and this is particularly annoying to me bc then they certainly wont take bee seriously either#and Not even acknowledge how bee has an innately adult struggle of how he couldnt pursue his dream career#bc they dont see him as the adult he is and then thus they dismiss the existence of this conflict he has#and then continue the cycle of ''bee has never had anything bad ever happen to him so hes carefree and silly all the time''#not that other ppl take him seriously went they dont see him as baby. they often still treat him like a baby anyway#or still act like he is all carefree and has no struggles and is just a snot nosed twerp#or just reduce him to being. sex appeal? and just make his whole character revolve around sex#though that problem is not exclusive to bee lots of characters get reduced to just sex#regardless its just simply hard to win as a bumblebee enjoyer in this world when u are also a pretentious hater </3#🐝 could you repeat the last part? 🟦#oh there are several typos in the tags here I'll fix them later when im on my laptop
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i love getting stupidly invested in characters. i use the whole hyperfixation as a blotch test to externalise and explore all the hang ups i didn't know i had and/or don't dare to face head-on.
#me connecting the dots and realising why sh/unazu and iz/lo have such a chokehold over me#its the platonic breakups that fuck you up for years#the i miss you i hate you i hurt you im sorry#the i know you were hurting but you hurt me too#i know i was hurting but i hurt you bad. im sorry. i cant fix this. it was better for us to part ways. it was unsalvageable#the thinking about our best days still makes me smile i still miss it i wish we could go back to those times sometimes#then i remember that we both were in terrible places back then. we were a ticking time bomb#the i still care about you i hope youre doing better now i hope we never fucking meet again#me in 2020 wondering subcobsciously zooming in on sh/unazu: im sure this doesnt mean anything#im glad i had sh/unazu and iz/lo to explore these feelings bc#theyre still so enormous and overwhelming#i dont think i would hv had the clarity to put all this into words if i didnt have#these chars for me to see it from a more detached perspective#anw problematic dynamics in fiction are so important to me <3#anw just a thought but why is sh/nz deemed problematic when iz/lo gets a pass#literally sh/nz is healthier than iz 'you gave your life to me im not giving it back' lo#i have so many sh/nz mutuals who had to go priv bc some randos come at them for liking a ''''problematic ship''''
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my mom and i both have pisces sun/mars/mercury/saturn in 8H, scorpio IC, and aquarius venus in 6H.....astrology is insane 🫣
#her mars mercury & saturn are tropical pisces and mine are sidereal pisces though#astrology is insane....our birth charts are literally copy pasted 😭#shes a tropical leo rising im a sidereal leo rising (tropical virgo)#shes a tropical taurus moon im a sidereal libra moon (both venusian)#absolutely insane to think about#txt#random astro observation#we Are very alike but i actually find her to be far more intense and judgmental and fixed in her opinions#meanwhile she sees me as too serious and easily angered (im not im just a scorpio moon and i dont express myself publicly)#i see HER as being easily angered though. but only with me. with literally anyone else she acts much more pleasantly#and i guess thats bc im the closest to her and she is the most raw with me#while with other relatives she puts on a façade#so even though it hurts that she isnt as ''pleasant'' with me i understand that its bc she trusts me the most#and that she feels the most comfortable being her true self with me#and that includes the unpleasant sides of her as well#i get that. i understand it. its just the effect my scorpio moon has on people :')#she has told me things she's never told anyone else bc she knows i dont judge#but i never tell her anything about myself#bc she WOULD judge me. silently. and i would sense it#so even though we are very similar we still have our differences#she sees my aries mars & mercury as too quick tempered but i see her sidereal aries moon and i cower#she doesnt control her anger like i do . i get loud when i get irritated but i dont get Angry angry#if i get upset i just go cry about it 😭 she doesnt#i cry so much its unreal 😭 but she doesnt know that bc im a professional at hiding it#this isnt a negative post btw! its just like. a little analysis of my relationship with my mom#despite everything our relationship is good and we are extremely attached to one another#we literally can't live apart#i had to live alone for 2 nights and i cried and freaked out and started hallucinating my mom was here with me#and she experienced the same with HER mom when SHE had to live alone too#its insane to think about these similarities.....rly makes u wonder how two people can be copy pasted like that
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being a yellow diamond hnk enjoyer really does go from like. this at the start of the manga
to
#its literally so sad because. because they're never happy. even after they get all the physical joys that they wanted#like they get their former teammates back and they get to become a lunarian and it fixes nothing for them#i think yellow is the one hnk character that i can semi-confidently say never really did anything wrong so it just... fucks me up to think#about#hnk
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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//Venting in Tags:: TW Sewerslide and shit like that
#dude seriously sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. and the people around me would be better off if I wasn’t around#I know they love me they say it all the time but at the same time in the back of my head there’s just this little voice telling me like#telling me its all fake. telling me theyre only staying out of pity for me or something like that#theres so many things wrong with me and if it’s not on the inside or how I act its how Im presented#I hear it all the time ‘you need to lose weight’ or ‘your face looks bad (acne)’ or literally anything#even small shit like I got told I was feminine and it hit me like a truck#I never EVER liked myself#I cant remember a time when I did#even when I was little I knew there was something wrong with me#I genuinely cant remember a single time when I was happy with myself and my life#I love my friends more than anything#and I have family members I would do anything for#but I know damn well what a disappointment I must be. Im not productive I don’t talk to anybody irl I don’t do anything irl I’m just#lazy and gross and depressed and stupid#I hate myself I always have and I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating myself#I have a fucking suicide note written and everything because I know one of these days somethings going to happen#and I won’t be able to stand it#and I’ll do something idiotic#and I’ll find the one permanent solution to a possibly temporary problem#I don’t want to be this way but I can’t bring myself to fix anything#it’s like my mind and body won’t let me get better. maybe i was just destined to be this gross fucking thing#maybe that’s it#maybe I don’t have a purpose. maybe I was just born to suffer#who knows. maybe Im overthinking everything. maybe im fine. maybe it’s gonna be ok. but I don’t know#I just don’t know anymore#I don’t know what to do
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el oh el
#tw:? idk if i should label that but i feel like talking here so yea#i literally can not stand my family not just parents in general i#really hate everyone i cant be happy i cant remember when i was really happy for more than a day#something has to happen and i spiral back down i always go back to the start i cant be fixed#im so tired idk how im gonna survive anymore#i always say its bad but then i just distract myself rn i cant focus on anything but on how im feeling im tired im really tired#i keep saying that but sometimes idk how im feeling anymore#i feel so alone#no one gets it no one will#everyone has their person whether its platonic or romantic or wtv#but why not me#i always think that#why not me?#what's so wrong about me that no one wants to be close to me#is it my personality or my body my looks maybe#people just randomly hate me#they probably think im annoying too#everyone does#ik everyone does#people r just that good of actors that they sit w me talk to me say they love me but i could never believe it#i always get compliments on my insecurities but they never really fix anything or even raise my spirits#i just wanna die rn#nothing is working#im gaining weight im not happy with myself no one would like me i bet no body even thinks about me#i sound so pathetic rn but im so close to actually doing it.#idk if i wanna say this here but tw:sh ig#i did it idk how or why it just happened i was hurt so hurt i cant remember what really happened i just unscrewed a pencil sharpener and#my thighs and forearms#it's not that bad and i did stop but still#it already happened and the scars r there they're deep but i liked the feeling of them i liked the burn they gave
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me 🤝 my mom undiagnosed anxiety disorders
#the older i get the clearer it becomes that me and my mom catastrophize about things very similarly#difference is i found healthy coping mechanisms while my mom found homophobic death cult evangelical christianity#of course this realization makes me feel very bad for my mom because like. i get it.#she tells me that she worries about me and i know she doesn't mean the normal way moms worry about their kids i know she actually means#that she has a creeping suspicion that my life choices are going to send me to hell and she feels powerless to stop it#and her brain will not let her think about anything else so 24/7 its just alarms blaring#and because she's constructed her entire belief system around having anxiety she's like. this fear i feel is a message from god.#and i have no idea how to help her#like????#she's literally believed these things fro her entire life giving them up feels like the end of the world#and her WHOLE FAMILY is there with her so even if she could realize she'd be happier without these beliefs#she'd immediately have a dozen trusted voices telling her no actually. your anxiety is correct and you're right to afraid all the time#for awhile when i was like. 18-19. the major question i had about my childhood was WHY didn't my mom never take me to therapy#because yeah okay she came from a culture where therapy isn't trusted and god is supposed to fix all your mental illnesses#but she read all the parenting books and universally took experts' advice over what she'd learned from her own parents#(because she knew her parents hadn't done a great job and didn't want to repeat their mistakes)#and she KNEW i was REALLY bad. i was crying all the time having her drive me to the bookstore to get books i thought might help#sending myself into anxious spirals if anyone mentioned death around me#not a fun time in my life or her life#and she DID take me to talk to my pediatrician about it so like??? why did we never see a therapist???#i was 9 i though there was just nothing that could be done but????????#but now i realize that what happened to me back then didn't really scan in my mother's head as something wrong with me#because she was the same way#:/
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sonic the hedgehog tumblr dashboard simulator
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💠 extremegayr Follow
got held up in traffic today cause some noob couldnt drive the fucking loop-de-loop. lmfao fucking coward
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🎛 420zone Follow
ok but robotnik's kind of a dilf tho
🌫 wispgender Follow
he's literally a war criminal can we NOT do this tumblr
🎛 420zone Follow
📰 its-no-use Follow
@wispgender dont u literally simp for nominatus like who is one to talk
🌫 wispgender Follow
NOMINATUS ISN'T REAL????
🛜 viralsensation-destructorofworlds Follow
that you know of
🌫 wispgender Follow
what
10,672 notes
🔷 sonicinthewild
43,834 notes
☣️ lineinthesand Follow
saw sonic the hedgehog irl once. he showed up at my village, released 30 feral pickys in the town hall, paid the ice cream vendor roughly a thousand rings for a single chili dog, told me not to waste my life worrying about the little things, and then caused a fucking tornado
🧿 spiralhillspindash Follow
ok and??? you're not special
☣️ lineinthesand Follow
THIS WAS A PERSONAL POST GO AWAAAAY
173 notes
🌠 chaoinspace2electricboogaloo
sucks that sticks the badger hates all technology you know she would do NUMBERS on here
568 notes
☸️ r0u3e Follow
being an islander be like "are those the kind of eggsplosions i should worry about or the kind of eggsplosions that are gonna repair our crops, fix the economy, and bring my dead grandma back to life"
🌁 eggpawnkindathicctho Follow
being a continenter be like "oh great what primordial diety has risen from the grave to block traffic and fight a 15yo today"
🥭 chao-official
being a chao be like "chao chao chao chao chao"
🌁 eggpawnkindathicctho Follow
you said it my mans
579,056 notes
🏵 sprinkles-the-chao Follow
hold on if sonic the hedgehog is jewish then how is he santa claus
🤖 e123-omegaverse Follow
dont question him
85,628 notes
☣️ sparkygoboom Follow
hey guys real question are human/mobian relationships problematic
💠 extremegayr Follow
op is about to start the anthro church schism of the fifteenth year all over again
🛞 mobotropolis Follow
ok but in all seriousness did your mom never teach you that part of history
🎢 marxiobros Follow
someone doesn't know about the united federations public school system
🛞 mobotropolis Follow
what the fuck is a public school
⏭️ drowningmusic Follow
⚄ paradoxprism Follow
are we gonna talk about op's chaos radiation fetish
💠 extremegayr Follow
OP'S WHAT NOW
🏞 mobiancrossing Follow
ok but am i the only one who thinks that the public school system would be a good idea if handled right? like i know it's traditional to learn from your parents and then experience the world on our own from the ages of 7-13 but like combining all our knowledge and learning together doesnt seem like a bad idea
☠️ fabian-vane-number-1-hater Follow
bitch that's what the internet is for
🌅 s0leanna-apple-barrell
yeah where else am i gonna learn to make infinite chaos emeralds
❇️ freesurge Follow
"infinite chaos emeralds" that's called the phantom ruby
🏳️🌈 rainbowwispforgayrights Follow
everybody on this site has brain damage
❇️ freesurge Follow
yeah. from the radiation
603,573 notes
🐸 froggysfriend
caught this today
🏝 digginginthegroundfortubers
if anything happens to this blog i genuinely hope eggman blows us all up as punishment
950,420 notes
🐊 teamchaotixofficial
Hey guys! Sorry to do this again but rent's a little tight this month :( If we've ever solved a case for you guys or made you guys smile, please consider sending a ko-fi our way! we just need a few rings to get through the month <3
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🖼 give-the-koco-a-gun Follow
do we ever talk about that time the sky turned blood-red and shadow the hedgehog's demon dad descended from on high to murder us all and we only barely survived
❤️🔥 songoose4evr Follow
shadow fixed it it's fine
🎮 n0cturnity
yeah that was like twelve apocalypses ago move on
🎆 robotniksbignaturals Follow
kinda wanted to bang black doom tbh
🖼 give-the-koco-a-gun Follow
THE DEVIL???? FROM THE BIBLE????
🎆 robotniksbignaturals Follow
yeah. move over gayboy i'm boutta be shadow's new dad
856,301 notes
🗑️ berrybarry
starting a conspiracy that time hasnt moved since 2006
🗑️ berrybarry
why the fuck was i shadowbanned after posting this
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🤡 clownfinite Follow
tfw you finally save up enough rings for ice cream and you go outside and get hit by swatbot pieces and the rings just go fuckin everywhere
587 notes
🔷 sonicinthewild
34,452 notes
🌌 h-o-l-o-l-y-n-x
so did y'all see that genesis wave or was it just me
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🆙 planetsgiantcrack Follow
the virgin tweeter "if you use a bad word in the same tweet as the word 'cream' you get obliterated off the site" vs this chad site of "i want to put knuckles back in a microwave"
💟 presidentyaoi Follow
BACK????
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⬜️ chao-and-wisps-4-ever-so-cute-2 Follow
ok posting my first fanart to this site pls be nice! <3
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🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
why does tails look like he's always about to say "it fucken WIMDY"
🦊 miles-prower-official
Hello, @emeraldfwuitgummy!
I actually quote that image on a constant basis! Sonic thinks it's hilarious every time. He's quite the fan of memes, and it's nice to get a laugh out of him!
Formally,
Dr. Miles "Tails" Prower, PHD
🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
SO WAS ANYONE GOING TO TELL ME THAT TAILS WAS ON THIS FUCKING SITE OR--
🏅 iwishhumanswerereal Follow
do. do you not know he created tailblr. dude it's in the name lmao
🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
he
WHAT
🍭 milfwisp Follow
didn't eggman invent this site???
🪫 veganswatbot
THE EGG ABANDONED SCRAMBLR IN ITS TIME OF NEED AND THE FOX RAISED US FROM THE ASHES. YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT HIM
🦊 miles-prower-official
Hello, @milfwisp and @veganswatbot!
Very good question! This site was Eggman's until I ate his bones. Thank you for engaging! :D
Formally,
Dr. Miles "Tails" Prower, PHD
🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
YOU
WHAT
🌭 sonicsays
what's not clicking
#long post /#sonic the hedgehog#sonicverse#sth#sonicedit#mine#unreality /#unreality#long post#<< trying different tags here cause ppl are telling me the first attempt wasnt working
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