#cause it seems like it always does

[freakylilnutjob]

I hate how I always have this feeling of impending doom, especially when I’ve got something good going for me

#like part of me is always waiting for everything to go wrong #cause it seems like it always does #i hate mental illness #can I not just enjoy something worry free for once in my fucking life #always doubting people’s intentions and sincerity #I fucking hate it!!!!!!! #sav speaks

[nguyenfinity]

You would not believe what AU I cooked up with @posebean this time it's genshin

Additional notes:

Melt synergy (also reversed colors yahoo)

They run a tea house!! Hachimitsu Tea House :]

And they're married

They're sooo married (Niki's ring is holding his lil tassel)

Niki

Support/healer (anyone's a dps if you build them hard enough though)

Signature dish: Cinnamon baked apple slices (we'll figure it out don't worry about it)

Ascension mats: pyro cube, slimes, naku weed

Constellation: esuriens ursi

Rinne

dps (glass cannon style)

Signature dish: Honeycomb nikujaga (once again don't worry about it)

Ascension mats: bathysmal vishap, treasure hoarders, onikabuto

Constellation: fila fati

he throws his claymore at you and then decks you in his normal attack sequence

mr. master of deception keeping his vision tucked away and wearing red

mostly useless without his wife (see: passive)

#enstars #rinne amagi #niki shiina #rinniki #genshin #no matter how offline i may seem i am always plotting. scheming. cooking even. and somehow bean is in the kitchen with me #these files were made oct 7th and 8th so you can only imagine how long they've been baking for #we're still putting together their kits #rinne's kit is mostly rounded out tho #actually his kit's. basically done just need the skill and burst passives #colors were hdgjfhdjk 'cause i wanted to make rinne silly with his 'wears red but is actually ice' thing #and then balancing the colors between the two #anyways we have a bunch bunch more in the works #including other characters!!! #we did rinky first 'cause we're. y'know [gestures to all that] #we're just. busy #the second we finish our school stuff it's over for y'all #i love making outfits it's so much work but it's also so fun #i say as genshin outfits get on every single one of my nerves like loose threads on a sweater but anyways #sana does fashion #sanabean impact #<it's important enough to warrant its own tag.

[thotsfortherapy]

having mommy issues be like I hate that you know me I hate that we’re related I hate that you birthed me I hate that you don’t know how to love me properly I hate that you can’t see how much you hurt me I hate that I’m expected to love you

#cy says stuff #I moved out when I was 17 for a reason #but I do still go back to visit when schools out sometimes and I regret it every single time #every time we talk I’m like damn is it time to call it quits because this is not it #I literally feel like I’m constantly on the brink of being disowned or kicked out of the house when I’m there #but it’s also for things like. bringing a single bottle of wine to a Christmas party that I did not even drink #or like. moving in with my partner of 4 years. because we are going to the 2nd most expensive city in Canada and girl I cannot pay the rent #or being upset when she reads my diary ?? or reads my credit card statements without permission and also just like behind my back?? #like do you think I’m not going to find out when you bring up information you only would’ve known if you had read those things #I can put two and two together… #also I’m literally almost done my university degree. i am fully an adult. these should not be issues ! #ahhhhh!!! #anyways I will speak to my therapist about this lol #also y’all my friends are always like oh I love my mom and it just seems to be a socially accepted thing that you should love your mom #but what if your mom sucks what then #I genuinely cannot relate to them I’m like literally what does that feel like #the first time I felt loved was when I was 15 lol there is 0 love in my family #anyways ! #it’s okay I am out of it and I have been out of it #just #always on the brink of cutting her off forever lol #some ppl just never change as much as you want them to and that is tough to accept. #it is also harder because society is telling my that I need to stay loyal to my family cause they’re blood #but if this were anyone else I would’ve blocked them so long ago 😭

[thewhizzyhead]

okay but AJR'S new song "Yes I'm A Mess" is one of their coolest concepts to date cause like, AJR has been hyping up the chorus for a long while now and from the frequently tiktoked verses "I could hate my guts when the sun comes up but I like myself like this" and the overall tune of the chorus, the most common impression on the song is that it's a song about the brothers "blowing up their lives" through partying and all that because they "like themselves like this". Basically it's your "wooo let's fucking party song" but in the perspective of them using it as a means of escape in a way. This impression is confirmed with the release of the full song whose lyrics include them wanting to quit their jobs and start over ("I'm in it now, I'm in it now, could I start again somehow?)

And of course, the theme of wanting to escae start over and becoming what you like yourself to be even if you make yourself into a mess is something quite relatable especially for young adults right? So that concept is good in it of itself but what makes this song so much fucking different IS HOW AJR FLIPS IT BY THE BRIDGE. By the time Jack sings "I could hate my guts when the sun comes up but I guess that's what this is. I like myself like this", there is a layer of acknowledged resignation that them blowing up their lives and escaping in the interest of starting over and "liking themselves" is something that's not that all good AND THAT POINT IS ESTABLISHED WITH HOW THE SONG ENDS - WITH THE OUTRO BEING ALL SLOWED DOWN AND REVERBED AS IF THE PARTY IS STOPPING AND YOU'RE COMING DOWN FROM YOUR EUPHORIC PARTY HIGHS.

This part especially took a lot of people off guard because they simply weren't expecting this shift of tempo to happen in a song marketed as a partying fun song and holy shit that's the whole point! The constant escape for a new and clean slate through indulging yourself into becoming someone you like to the point of self sabotage won't ever end up well - cause sooner or later, the tempo will turn slow, verses will be slurred, and the fun beat and whistles will stop. And for a band who prides upon having their songs be fun to dance to while being relatable in its woes of having to grow up and wanting to escape that, holy fuck is that an amazing point to make.

#look i'll be fucking honest i wish ajr was a bit more descriptive when it came to their lyricism #because i like how they play around with lyrics and additional context through lyrics is always nice for me #but i applaud their new direction nonetheless because right now ajr is playing around with concept execution #and yes i'm a mess just basically 110% confirmed that for me #i had a feeling that their newest album was gonna head to this direction given how vastly different the prod is #and the singles they've released so far seemed a lot more personal too #so yea if the rest of the album continues this pattern of being this conceptually smart #then my all time favorite album Neotheater might have a strong contender #cause like damn yes i'm a mess may not boast of smart wordplay and the like but goddamn does it carry a unique concept #and how the concept is executed is well done too especially that break down at the end aaa #anyways stream yes i'm a mess by ajr and all their other songs woo #ajr #yes i'm a mess #the maybe man

[hydrangeyes]

I really do love how the fandom has their ship but man do I wanna see a bit more of the rivals to codependent to lovers route more

#satosugu #in which them beefing in the gym was hilarious to me and i wanna see that be a part of their early friendship stages #and THEN it turns out theyre both so stupid they just wanna kiss each other #you know that whole yakuza vibes where fighting definitely means more than just fighting #idc what anyone says #alot of yakuza could have been solved if they'd shut the fuck up and talked in some cases kissed even #anyway #i need fics where they talk about how fucked gojo's mental state must be over all #cause your telling me someone who was born so powerful and is hated because of it and only treated well (in a distant sort of way) is okay? #like damn geto had him snatched with that one scene #i need more shoko love frfr also #also does geto ecen eat given he has to eat curses and shit like they cant put that shit in some soup or a smoothie or something??? #i need a fic where gojo cries but like the quiet kind cause he's always been the stronfest and strong people would never cry like a weakling #type shit #i want a fic where gojo learns new emotions as he's taught to unlearn the damage his title and family have given him #like genuine joy or non deadly fear or or crying is okay #i need geto to have a support system thats not just gojo like theyre each others number one's but theyr both fucked up #they needed adult nanami in their lives imo cause my guy seems to be the only one who got it

[lyxchen]

Look I know my gender is a bit weird and I'm not fully sure what to identify as but I am pretty comfortable in being afab and percieved as a girl. I like my name and I like my she/her pronouns, I tried other pronouns too but they didn't feel right and so I'd say mostly I'm comfortable with my gender. But. Why the fuck do I always get such massive gender envy for male characters??? And male characters only!! I don't get it

#it's cool and all #but also kinda not cause whenever i realize that it's gender envy i really don't know what to do about that #cause i really do not look like these characters and can't easily change my look to appear more like them #but i wanna #i really wanna look like them!!! #how do i do that?? #why does this keep happening #i know that i'd like to seem a bit more androgynous but that's about it #hhhhhh #anyways #this post was brought to you by: the gender envy i have for campbell bain #this boy has so much gender and i Wamt it!!!!! #(the same goes for steve harrington and grizz visser btw) #but honestly it's so hard to figure out for me that what i'm feeling is gender envy #cause it's always like #i love this character So Much but not quite the same i love other characters but i also know it's not a crush because i'm gay and me being #with them romantically feels super weird #and then i realize it's that thing of 'i don't want to be with them i want to Be them' but you know i just wanna have their gender #and it's weird #welp #i'm gonna go look for fabric to sew campbells cute colorblock sweater now because that's the only think i feel like i can do about this rn #sooo yeah #man (gn) i really thought i didn't have gender confusion and then this keeps happening #that's it for now #i'll update when i find the next guy to feel gender envy for #so far i have my three boys :3 #lea's random thoughts #(campbell give me your gender i am begging you!!!!! i love you!!!)

[childrenofthesun77]

Were akira and tooru also orphans?

Mahiru never mentions maternal grandparents, at one point he realizes that when akira died his uncle also became alone and while it doesn't have to mean anything I did find it interesting that when they were still in school and tooru asked touma to come to his house to eat he said akira would cook for them and not their mother or father. When mahiru thinks about heroes always coming back smiling we saw a flashback of akira coming back after apparently leaving a very young mahiru in tooru's care, not with her parents.

The discussion at akira's funeral service also made it sound like the people were more extended family than close family? Where is the rest of the shirota family? Is it just them?

#servamp #mahiru shirota #akira shirota #tooru shirota #time for another absolute crack theory that has close to no basis but I would find it funny if it came true #what if akira and tooru were also children born out of wedlock #and they were mikage's children #mikage does look similar to mahiru which always suprised me a bit #why is his hair dark when most other family members are blond? #it's an odd artistic choice #anyway the only reason why I even started thinking about this is because sigurd mentioned that 3 people survived drinking the counts blood #which created three magical bloodlines #I could be wrong but whatever is up with mahiru being because of his heritage makes the most sense to me #and nor lily or touma seem aware of it #so it sounds like it might be because of an even older family secret in the shirota family #what if two bloodlines secretly crossed when akira was born and with akira having a son with touma all three crossed #and that causes...something we have yet to learn #Again just a crack theory but this all being just a giant family drama makes me laugh #mahiru and misono/mikuni would be half cousins lol

[thetimelordbatgirl]

...So uh, basically bootleg Suicide Squad featuring not even a comic's accurate team but instead, just random characters picked randomly from throughout the MCU, including even character's that make zero fucking sense to be on the team???

#anti mcu #cant even make their own plot #just gonna go for another film plot instead #like looking into the team in comics and where did the government stuff come from #where did goverment sends them on missions come from #in comics history from looks of stuff they just form cause the avengers are...well...dead....like always with heroes dying in comics lol #but like theres no signs of government #but that is what you know the squad in dc are #a government formed team who have villains as members in exchange for time off their sentences #granted marvel aint copying why the villains do it #but they seem to be copying the government element #and yeah if anyone curious which members make no sense mcu wise #honestly only us agent actually makes sense lmao #bucky we know makes zero sense at this point as hes a hero at this point after being freed from hydra and such #ghost literally at the end of ant man 2 was said to be getting the cure she needs aka her motivation for villain stuff #taskmaster and red guardian literally ended black widow leaving with the freed black widows and such not doing evil stuff #hell taskmaster falls into same area as bucky: mindcontrol- so how the hell does she count as evil #yelena they can't seem to make their mind up on but i generally assume hawkeye show intended for her to not be doing evil sutff anymore #since she only sought revenge on hawkeye thats it #but once told the truth suddenly no longer evil stuff #like only US agent actually makes sense and the lady at the end of the line who i guess is attempt at mcu waller #which...good luck because waller is a good character while this one so far...isnt

[aroaceleovaldez]

i think about the fact that Nico’s powers randomly include temperature control way too much. he can make stuff cold! and is apparently immune to cold himself, at least to some degree! why? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯probably ghost reasons! even though it is not inherently tied to ghosts at all and he can just Do That!

#pjo #riordanverse #nico di angelo #its probably ghost reasons for the whole ''oh ghosts are cold'' and ''ghosts make enviornments color'' thing #the other theoretical reason is ''something something mythology'' cause yknow. the whole myth of how the seasons happened #but based on that alone then Nico shouldnt necessarily have that power? #itd be more of a cabin 4 thing #idk i just like his weird cold powers. theyre so random. he is immune to cold and can drop the temperature around him. good for you bud. #it's fun to mess around with too cause Nico is basically completely unaware of it #he just does it by accident like his killing grass thing #''Nico why is there frost everywhere and its below freezing all of a sudden?'' ''oh sorry i thought i saw a bug'' #my favorite part though is the temperature powers thing seems to not be inherently tied to nico himself just naturally running cold #though it could probably affect that as well. nico naturally running cold is most likely his vitals run slower than most people's #cause we know he can control that re: Death Trance #which is another interesting thing. Nico can control his vitals! he can just go ''im gonna take five on MY HEART FUNCTIONING real quick brb' #Nico's bleeding out? no problem! just. turns off his heart. crank that puppy down a bit. cant bleed out if the blood's not moving! #this could also be why he passes out so much. his powers make his blood pressure inherently low and then uses them more. whoops. hes asleep. #i do v much like the hc that Nico just. cannot perceive external temperature. he's just always A Little Chilly cause of his powers #doesnt matter what the actual temperature is. he'll be fine. just also Slightly Cold thus Always Needs Layers

[hella1975]

.

#be deadly fucking serious rn PLEASE whatttt. that post that's like 'parents will say something that shapes you as a person #but for them it was just another tuesday' like WHAT JUST HAPPENED #basically if you've been following me since i went to uni then you know first year was an... interesting time for me and my mum #we rowed all the time and it's the most unsettled our relationship has ever been and i do truly believe it was just some unfortunate #external factors like me leaving home would rock the boat enough it was always gonna rejig our dynamic #but on top of that i was her LAST child to fly the nest which she hated AND my sister was in germany being insanely dependent on my mum #so i got sidelined a lot which was shitty at the time but i get it now like im still a bit bitter bc being the eldest everything my sister #does is an exciting first and our age gap means typically our academic big moments tend to cross over #so my a-levels happened during her first year of uni so for me a-levels were the biggest thing ever but ofc her thing was bigger #but when she did HER a-levels it was the biggest thing ever and i was /just/ doing gcses etc and germany was the same #like it was JUST my first year of uni bc meanwhile my sister was living alone in a foreign country. so that sucks and my mum was #defo focused on my sister and i wasn't in a position to be like 'hey i know it doesn't seem like it now you've got one kid through it #but going to university and settling in for the first year is still an insanely stressful and lonely time so please pay attention to me' #and all in all me and my mum just STRUGGLED we fought A LOT and not petty rows either they were really emotionally heavy all the time #and basically what's caused this post is that she said about america 'it'll be the longest ive been away from you' #and i know what she meant like a month out of england is the biggest thing ive ever done and im not even in EUROPE so this is huge #but i kinda said like 'im pretty sure i went a month in first year a couple times without visiting?' AND I MEANT IT CASUAL #BC I AM PRETTY SURE IT'S TRUE LIKE I WASNT EAGER TO GO HOME I WENT SOME WEEKS NOT EVEN RINGING #which REALLY shows how strained it must have been at the time. and she responds with confusion so i pointed out that first year #wasn't a great time for us and again still being casual bc it's such a fundamental truth for me that first year was Bad for me and mum #and she just blinks at me like 'what are you talking about' what. WHAT. like i knew she wasn't paying much attention to me then #but it made me MISERABLE for an entire YEAR like boom can testify bc they had to deal with my bs over the phone the entire time #and my mum just. didn't even notice that we weren't doing well. what. what the fuck even..... baffled by this actually #like i am REELING from this i feel like she just tipped the fundamentals of my world with that #hella goes home

[irafuwas]

BUMP OF CHICKEN - 「Aurora」

もうきっと多分大丈夫 どこが痛いか分かったからね 自分で涙拾えたら いつか魔法に変えられる

i'm sure everything's gonna be okay 'cause you realized where it hurts, right? if you can gather up your tears, they'll transform into magic someday

ほんの少し忘れていたね とても長かった ほんの少し お日様がない時は クレヨンで世界に創り出したでしょう

you just forgot for a little while, is all for a really long little while on that dark, dark day didn't you use your crayons to dream up the sun into the sky?

正義の味方には見つけて貰えなかった類 探しに行かなくちゃ 呼び合い続けた あの声だよ

even though your knight in shining armor never came you still gotta go look for that voice that always called out to you

溜め息にもなれなかった 名前さえ持たない思いが 心の一番奥の方 爪を立てて 堪えていたんだ 触れて確かめられたら 形と音が分かるよ 伝えたい言葉はいつだって そうやって見つけてきた

those nameless thoughts that couldn't even muster themselves into a sigh they lay deep in your heart, lashing out around them and they waited if you can reach out and touch them then you'll understand just what they are that's how you always end up finding the words to say what you want to say

振り返れば途切れずに 歪な線を描く足跡 悲しいくらい分かりやすく いつもここに向けて伸びる

if you look back, you'll see the the footprints you left behind still in that unbroken, crooked line it's sad, how easy it is to understand that they'll always be there, heading towards today

大切にするのは下手でも 大切だって事は分かっている せめてその白い手紙が 正しく届きますように

i'm not good at treasuring things but i know this is important to you i hope at least your letter will get to where it needs to go

考え過ぎじゃないよ そういう闇の中にいて 勇気の眼差しで 次の足場を探しているだけ

you're not overthinking it when you're in that dark place all you're doing is being brave and looking for the next step to take

解き放て あなたの声で 光る羽根与えた思いを その足が向かうべき先へ そうしなきゃ見えなかった未来へ 諦めなかった事を 誰よりも知っているのは 羽ばたいた言葉のひとつひとつ 必ず届きますように

your voice gave all those thoughts and feelings you kept bottled up inside their shining wings now it's time to set them free and for you to go down the path you're meant to take - to that future you've never been able to see before each and every one of your words knows better than anyone else that you didn't give up now look as they take wing i pray they'll reach where they need to go

もう一度 もう一度 クレヨンで 好きなように もう一度 さあどうぞ 好きな色で 透明に (Aah) もう一度 もう一度 クレヨンで この世界に 今こそ さあどうぞ 魔法に変えられる

one more time, just one more time pick up that crayon, and draw whatever you want just once more, go ahead use any color you like, that transparent sky is your canvass once more, just once more make the world what you want it to be now's your chance, so go ahead. it'll transform into magic

ああ、なぜ、どうして、と繰り返して それでも続けてきただろう 心の一番奥の方 涙は炎 向き合う時が来た 触れて確かめられたら 形と音をくれるよ あなたの言葉がいつだって あなたを探してきた そうやって見つけてきた

you kept on asking yourself, "why? just why?" but still you kept on going, didn't you? in the deepest depths of your heart your tears burst into flame and now it's time for you to face them head on if you can reach out and touch them, then you'll understand just who you are your words have always been looking for you and that's how they found you

もう一度 もう一度 クレヨンで 好きなように もう一度 さあどうぞ 好きな色で 透明に (Aah) もう一度 もう一度 クレヨンで この世界に 今こそ さあどうぞ 魔法に変えられる

one more time, just one more time pick up that crayon, and draw whatever you want just once more, go ahead use any color you like, that transparent sky is your canvass once more, just once more make the world what you want it to be now's your chance, so go ahead. it'll transform into magic

#song tl #my tl #bump of chicken #silver #this is like his theme song to me #not just cause the song title is befitting for him but also because its a song about having to be your own hero #and pushing forward even when everything seems to be against you. he perseveres against his sleeping curse and his limitations #as a human in a world of fae. we saw in his dorm vignette he really does feel bad about what people think of him #but still he doesn't give up!! he still tries so so hard #and the song is also about coming to understand just how powerful your words are #silver has such a hard time figuring out how to say what he wants to say but when he does find his words- #-like when he stood up to malleus and lilia in endless halloween- #i feel like it matches perfectly with the songs lines about how your words have always been looking for you #and they know better than anyone else that you never gave up #i also like to think this is lilia talking to silver and encouraging him to keep going on like he did in ch5

[v-arbellanaris]

Bioware 100% wanted her to be seen as one of the best, if not the best, options for Divine. The way her ending slide is worded makes it seem like she does change some things. A "new" Circle and a "new" Templar Order. Ohh.. such change. Except its not. She just puts everything back the way it was. Because that totally worked the last time!

YEAH. the epilogue slides for leliana and vivienne clearly outline the changes that they've made. leliana dissolves the circles permanently, she opens up priesthood to other races, rededicates the chantry to charity. vivienne creates a stricter order and a freer circle. vivienne being a mage and leliana's progressive reforms are plenty of reason for nobility to turn against them. but cassandra's slides has the LEAST amount of explanation for what the hell she even does as divine.

if you sided with the mages as free allies, they refuse to join cassandra's circle. if you conscripted the mages, they do rejoin the circle but it quickly splinters into a group pushing for reform and closer ties to the inquisition. this latter piece of information, more than anything, tells me cassandra didn't reform anything in the circles, she just recreated them again.

if you sided with the templars as free allies, and cullen wasn't put back on lyrium, and you encouraged her to rebuild the seekers, they join the seekers under the divine (which is exactly what they were doing before, anyway??? but this is irrespective of who is divine. if the templars were free allies, cullen wasn't put back on lyrium, but the seekers weren't rebuilt, then cassandra brings the seekers back under the divine -- and they agree to it on the condition that she doesn't "leash" them, whatever the fuck that means for the seekers, who were never controlled by lyrium addiction in the first place?? if you sided with the templars as free allies, and cullen WAS put back on lyrium, TONS of them return to the chantry because nothing changed anyway. and if you conscripted them, THEY REFUSE TO JOIN CASSANDRA'S TEMPLARS ENTIRELY, regardless of whether cullen is or isn't on lyrium. they stay with the inquisition. because nothing has changed????

and yet! and yet, despite all of this, somehow, for some reason, the divine's epilogue slides allude to people threatening to DECLARE WAR on her "demanding a return to the status quo" to IMPLY some kind of change? like. cassandra literally cannot return to the status quo; she never LEFT IT. and yet, HER SLIDES are somehow indicating the most aggressive pushback from the public -- more so than a mage divine??? bioware. EXPLAIN.

#A MAGE DIVINE??? THE THING THAT CAUSED THE CHANTRY SCHISM WITH TEVINTER??? #literally like WHY. does this game. always go so far out of their way to make it seem like templars suffer so much #whenever they try to do something ''good''. god. FFS #asks #cassandra critical #anti chantry #bioware critical

[ozymoron]

i dont think i actually like shipping for like normal shipping reasons im pretty sure i only like ships cause i like seeing boys kiss and girls kiss especially if what they have going on is fucked up and weird

#⚠️ #my favourite characters always seem to be the ones that dont really have much romance shit going on #like jerome just doesnt have anything romantic going on. spencer reid i remember like no one wanted him lmao except that one girl who died #so fast it was kinda funny pretty sure later he gets with jj but i genuinely couldnt give less of a fuck lol #and ash is more like sex focused compared to romance probably cause yknow having your girlfriend die and then attack you probably #gives you a couple like issues around romance and shit #like he never really gets another partner does he #he got close with that one cop but she died #i mean he did get married to that one lady candace barr i remember her name cause its a pun and i like pun names #pretty sure her name was candace #but like that didnt last very long so #hes so so awful thatw as so fucked up of him i need him so bad but still #herbert is more focused on his work than on romance and sex hes very aroace to me #but the whole fandom is just danbert which is fine i agree theyre gay as hell but like after a while i started losing interest lol #same happened with ed its all just nygmobblepot

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand. #which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing. #the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

[that-otter-kid]

I wonder how many other kids were absolutely terrified of having anything above their bed after reading Flat Stanley

#I was always scared that the psinting above my bed would fall down and flatten me #196 #rule #flat stanley #does anybody else remember flat stanley or did hallucinate the existence of an entire book series #cause it does seem kinda like a fever dream now that i think back on it

[shrineofprophecy]

WHICH IMAGINARY ILLNESS DO YOU HAVE?

Shedding

You are losing yourself, bit by bit. Your own skin is peeling away, moths forming out of it as you shed more of yourself. Your breaths birth hummingbirds and doves as they abate, your fears turning into savage things of teeth and claw. How much more of yourself will you have to grate away until you fit the mold you set yourself today? How much more will have to go tomorrow? How much longer until you've shed too much of yourself - until the pieces you left by the roadside are more than what little you have left?

Wanderer's Ache

You need to leave, you can't stay. You've forgotten how to do it - how to set your roots, how to unpack the moving boxes. Staying too long isn't an option, the steady thrum of mixed curiosity and dread always propelling you forward. You've burnt all your bridges, leaving a trail of shattered connections every time you leave. But still you can't stay, can't even sit still. You tire of life as it happens, wishing you could quit your job and just become something else - anything at all. You've forgotten how to make a place into a home, feeling content only in novelty, at home only on the road.

Blooming Pox

Their roots have taken hold inside your veins, your breath is shared now. Life grows from your flesh - an inescapable, floral infection. It will feast upon you until you have nothing left to give, it will trap you and make you unable to move forward. You know all this as you watch the flowers bloom just above your skin, their own petals stained with crimson - but isn't it nice to be needed, doesn't it feel good to have them depend on you for them to grow out of your not yet rotting corpse.

stole it from: @deathsmaidens <3

#ღ — dash memes #⤜ character【 sparkle 】 #⤜ character【 fu xuan 】 #⤜ character【 serval 】 #( I did 3 cause I'm greedy ) #( waiting for the day until sparkle really loses it ) #( fu xuan's was unexpected but she does want to move forward ) #( always working tirelessly and dealing with everything she sees in divinations ) #( it takes a toll on her and then she also wants to become general?? ) #( gotta seek the answers she needs ) #( but it will never be enough ) #( serval really seems like she's stuck in place ) #( she'll take care of her siblings but for how long? ) #( they don't need her at some point ) #( time to go on the express and find herself again )