#cix angst

[restlessmaknae]

one to let go, one to hold on [k.s.h]

➳ Characters: dance partner!Seunghun x female!reader/you

➳ Genre: slice of life, coming of age, fluff, angst, real-life bittersweet, friends to lovers, dance partners au

➳ Words: 6.5k

➳ Warning: mentions of pressure, low self-esteem, perfectionism, nose bleeds

➳ A/N: This story was inspired by two songs: Sarah Cothran’s I’m Here and Seunghun’s cover of ABIR’s Tango. I recommend checking out both for the vibes. *-*

➳ CIX taglist: @wccycc​, @dat-town​

If dancing was a language, you and Seunghun would speak the same one.

May it be because you had been dancing together ever since you had been really young (young as in awkwardly moving middle schoolers), may it be because you just complemented each other so well both on stage and off stage, but when it came to dancing, you and Seunghun were the same soul in two different bodies. It was as if he could understand you without saying a word (just by the posture of yours) and he could see the flaw in your movements even before you could make a mistake. He was there to catch you when you fell and also to help you get to your feet when he couldn’t catch you. He was there to pick you up when you didn’t have the confidence to continue a practice or you felt like giving up.

For this reason, you felt like no one could understand you better than he did. Just how much time and how much care it took for someone to know when you were having a bad day and when you were just faking a smile - only by a mere look at you? Just how many people could finish your sentences or know exactly what you would say before you doing so? Just how much you had to know someone to be able to read their mind and suggest something without the other asking about it?

On bad days, you told yourself that it was because you had known each other for so long. You had seen each other when you had been missing a tooth, when you had been wearing your braces throughout the day, when you had been breaking out during puberty and when you had been awkwardly growing into longer limbs and more defined curves. Truly, there was nothing that could create awkwardness between you two, or so you thought.

Not until you both realised that despite speaking the same language (dancing), you two had very different reasons for doing so.

“So what would you be doing if you weren’t dancing?” Seunghun asked after a practice when it was only the two of you left at the practice room (not a rare sight). You two were on the floor with your back to the wall, catching your breath between sips of already lukewarm water (it always warmed up during practice no matter how cold it was when you got it).

Truth to be told, the boy looked the most attractive to you in this state - messy, probably already long enough curls to trigger a visit at the hairdresser falling into his deep, dark eyes, cheeks tinted ruby due to the intensity of the practice, drops of sweat painting lines along his skin, oversized, comfy clothes drenched in sweat, but that genuine, content smile playing on his lips. He seemed the most handsome in your eyes this way because you knew that this was his rawest, most bare form, that this was when he didn’t have any flashy outfit or extravagant make-up on, yet he was so powerful, so captivating. Not just anyone could have this effect on you, but boy, he did.

“What do you mean? Like hanging out at PC rooms?” You furrowed your eyebrows after letting out a confused chuckle. You reached for your water bottle yet again, but stopped in the midst of it when Seunghun elaborated.

“I mean, what would you do if you weren’t set on becoming a dancer?”

You were 15 at the time. It was a weird age because it both seemed like whatever you did at this age determined your future (whether you studied well, whether you studied the right subjects, whether you had the right hobbies, whether you looked up to the right people and so on…), but it also seemed like you were still so young, so much was ahead of you that could change, that could happen or that you could go with. You were dancing on the fine line between childhood and adulthood, and this dancing seemed unfamiliar, jarring, uplifting, tense and embracing at the same time.

“I’m not set on becoming a dancer,” you reasoned firmly, averting your eyes from the water bottle to the sweat-stained face of the boy’s. It was Seunghun’s turn to look puzzled.

“Wait, what? You don’t want to do this for a living?”

“No. I’m studying to become a lawyer,” you explained without your voice wavering, but no matter how much you tried not to pay attention to the creases deepening on the boy’s face or the slight tremble of his lips… You had spent too much time together not to notice such subtle changes.

“I thought you were so determined to always do your best and stay for extra practice after classes because you are serious about it. I mean, like your future depends on it, you know.”

“I…” You started staying, the words catching in your throat. You realised that you had no solid answer to his assumption because you, too, had to think about your reason behind trying so hard when it was just a hobby for you. A hobby that you loved dearly, something that could free your mind between school and studying until late at night, something that was your sweet escape from the big, scary world out there full of what ifs and should haves. “I guess I just try doing my best no matter what I’m doing.”

It was what you settled on, and it wasn’t actually far from the truth. You had been expected to excel at everything you tried your hands on, and despite the fact that your parents had never made it to your competitions (unlike Seunghun’s), they saw the medals and cups you won, so they knew that you were doing well.

“But… you’re going to keep dancing, right? You are so talented,” Seunghun complimented, but he was still in a bit of a shaken up state, so it felt like he was trying to reassure himself instead of telling you that you were doing well. As if he was trying to tell you to continue.

“Of course, you silly. I have to beat you,” you semi-teased, nudging the boy’s shoulder playfully, but his face remained solemn. Despite the fact that you two were on the same dance team, you liked to challenge (and motivate) the other by saying that you were actually up against each other, and if someone could hold out longer with their extra practice after a class or leaned forward more in a side split, they would be the winner.

“Are you sure?”

It was scarce to see Seunghun so serious, but little did you know, your following answer was actually one that he would hold onto whenever the next few years would keep him doubting the future.

“Yes, of course. Do you want me to pinky promise like we did back in the days?” You offered as you held out your pinky, and there it was, that toothy smile spreading across the boy’s lips. It was as if the whole world had turned for the better when he smiled like that.

“Forget about it! Loser pays for the snacks on the way back,” he announced hastily before pushing himself off the floor and running out of the practice room to head for the changing rooms. You shouted after him to say that it wasn’t fair, but it fell on deaf ears, and you knew that he would win anyways.

You let him nevertheless.

One way you didn’t let him win was to win over your heart.

Seunghun had never been good with words, not when it came to serious matters. When he was telling a story oh so enthusiastically with big hand gestures or when he was quick-witted enough to add to an already funny joke, words came to him easily, almost as easily as breathing. On the other hand, when it was about confessing something that might change how others would see him or asking about something that had been weighing down on him, words died on the tip of his tongue.

Just like these days when he wanted nothing more than to ask you if something was wrong and console you if there was, listen to all your concerns, so that he could lift some weight off your shoulders that were already burdened by so much.

The truth is, Seunghun had heard, seen and noticed things you might not have known about. One of his friends, Yonghee, attended the same school as you did, so he frequently heard about your achievements - the straight As, the top places at competitions and even the fact that you had been selected as a member of the youth parliament for high school students. He had even overheard you as you had been talking to your mother on the phone about how exhausting dancing on top of school and extra classes were, how could you even take on volunteering? Your mother had insisted that it would be for extra points, but Seunghun could see the consequences, and believed that something would have to give.

He had noticed that you had visibly less energy - your moves weren't as precise as they used to, and more mistakes slipped in. There wasn't that familiar fire burning in your eyes that he had seen when you had been younger. You were also more moody, easily irritable and almost always out of reach. "I'm busy", "I can't today" and "maybe later" were the most frequent texts you sent to him, if you sent him any. A lot of times you just left him on read.

The truth is, Seunghun didn't know whether he had any right to comment on it, whether you were close enough for that. He might have liked you more than a friend, but he wasn't sure that you felt the same way. He had been convinced before that you had, but maybe it had been you being in love with him as her dance partner rather than him as a person. After all, now that there were no more fleeting touches, no more secret glances and no more little too tight hugs, he wasn't that sure. Still, he wanted to muster up the courage.

So once when you all too familiarly dismissed his idea of heading to the bus stop together because your mother would pick you up, he stood in front of you, blocking your way to leave the practice room. You two were the last ones after class, but it was more because you tried to catch your breath like crazy and more because he wanted to catch you than anything else - which used to mean you two staying after classes to practise a bit more.

You didn't speak up, but your eyes were telling a story on their own - you were throwing daggers with your gaze. Seunghun looked down at you, his lips twitching at the sight. Where had your joyous smile gone? Where had all of those playful remarks gone? Where had you gone?

"Why don't you ask me to move?" He breathed, his words no more than a whisper. He believed that yelling at him and physically pushing him away would hurt less than being this quiet. It just hurt him to look at you like this - like a mere shadow of yourself.

"I figured you would do it yourself without asking."

"I have a question. If you answer, I won't be in your way," the boy started cautiously, but all he earned was a huff and a bob of your head. You waited for him to speak up, but when he kept staring at you without uttering a word, you stepped sideways to walk around him.

As if woken from a stupor, Seunghun followed along you and stepped sideways - like two well-coordinated moves, the boy couldn't help but think just how frightening this dance seemed. How cold. How lifeless. Like the last dance of a dying swan.

"I don't have time for this, Seunghun."

"I know, but it's just hard to get it out because truthfully, I don't know what to ask. 'How are you' seems so wrong when it's clear as day that you're not fine. 'Are you okay' would indicate that I don't see how much you're not okay, and I don't want you to agree to that. So I don't know, and I don't even know whether it's right of me to ask anything."

When he said it out loud, it sounded so desperate. Maybe he was desperate, he just didn't want to face it head-on, but he knew that tossing and turning in bed at nights, his fingers itching to reach out to his phone meant that he cared even though you didn't ask anything about him. It pained like the sight of a forgotten object at the practice room because he knew that now he was the abandoned one.

"Seunghun, I have to do a lot of things. As I've told you, I'm not going to be a dancer, so I have to do everything in my power to make sure that I get into a good university. I know you can't understand this, but-"

"Maybe I can't understand it because I don't have first-hand experience with this," he cut you off, slight frustration lacing his words. If you thought that he would just let you pull up a wall between you two because you two had very different goals, you would be dead wrong. It had never been about dancing with you for him, it had always been about being with you - in whatever form.

"But I can see what it takes away from you. It's like you're not yourself anymore," he pointed out, his voice slightly raised. You let out a huff, looking away for a second before looking up at him again.

"Seunghun, I've grown up. It's not like I have to be the same girl who danced with you when we were mere kids," you counter-attacked, and even the word 'kids' seemed like an accusation when you said it with so much malice - as if you looked down on that time of your life.

"I don't want you to be the same. I just want you to be happy, but are you really happy now?"

You gulped, not finding the right words to say, and Seunghun knew all too well that you weren't. You didn't even try to deny, and if anything, that just broke his heart even more. Because part of the reason he liked spending time with you was the obvious way he could make you happy, let it be his silly jokes, his wiggling eyebrows, teasing semi-flirty lines, loud and impromptu singing sessions and endless attentiveness when it came to you. So now he felt a bit like he failed himself for he couldn’t make you even a tiny bit happier.

“I will be. Once I get into law school, it’ll all be worth it,” you concluded and pursed your lips, walking out of the practice room. Seunghun could see you move, but you felt so far away, and he felt like even if he could reach after you physically, he wouldn’t be able to reach you emotionally.

And that’s when he knew he had lost.

You knew that you were being unfair to Seunghun, but you couldn’t help it. You just couldn’t keep up with dance on top of everything, and when senior year rolled by and your advanced maths classes overlapped with your dance practices, you were almost relieved that your mother told you to give up dancing.

“Everyone will understand. Even though you’ve won awards for dance, you’re set on becoming a lawyer, so your focus is on studying now,” she said, and you weren’t sure whether she said it to reassure herself or you, but you were relieved nevertheless. Even more so because it meant that you didn’t have to break Seunghun’s heart by isolating yourself from him.

He might have thought that it wasn’t conscious, but you did it on purpose. You didn’t want him to see you in your state: nosebleeds over text books, dark bags under your eyes, little to no appetite due to anxiety, numbness taking over you whenever you had a spare moment and this pang of bitterness whenever you saw students your age or younger ones who still had time to have fun, be with friends and go to places other than the after school academies. It’s like you had nostalgia for something you had never experienced. Seunghun deserved someone who could match his energy, and you weren’t one anymore. You might have been once, but you were far from it right now.

However, putting an end to your dancing years felt like a goodbye to Seunghun as well. You didn’t go to the same school, you didn’t have friends in common, you didn’t live close to each other, so dancing was the only thing that connected you. You did talk out of dance practices or at least you used to, but with your mounting school work, sometimes you just left his messages on read or turned down his offer to meet up. So now it seemed like that there would be no reason for you to meet, and with your busy schedule, you had a feeling that you wouldn’t be able to do so anyways.

It didn’t mean that it hurt any less because Seunghun was a part of you, a part of your childhood and your youth, someone who had been there from the start and who had not given up despite you pushing him away again and again. Maybe it was for the better. You were sorry for him for what you gave him and what you couldn’t give him, and whatever it was between you two, you were sure that he would thrive and find someone else he can care about like that.

Despite the fact that you had tried to prepare yourself for the goodbye, it wasn’t any easier when it happened. You had a bit of time before your after school Maths class, so you headed to the dance academy, asking him if you could meet up. He must have thought that you were there for the dance class as well, but it was evident that he knew that you weren’t when you met in the corridor with you in your beige coat and him in his favourite grey sweatpants already.

“Thanks for making time for me,” you started, your heart hammering rapidly. No matter how many serious discussions you had regarding global warming and inequality during classes or how many times you presented confidently at a competition in front of a jury, when Seunghun looked at you like that - as if you were a pearl that he cherished, but it kept slipping through his fingers -, you found it difficult to keep your tone steady.

“Oh, come on! It’s nothing. I’m glad you’ve wanted to meet up,” the boy mentioned with a shrug of his shoulders, and he tried with a casual smile, but you could see through it (him), and you knew that it wasn’t as casual as he wanted to make it seem like.

Precious seconds rolled by in silence, but you couldn’t even decide where to begin. You wanted so hard to appear composed in front of him, but you were falling apart, even more so because he was in front of you.

“The truth is… I’m not going to attend dance classes anymore. Not here, not anywhere. I’ve already told Miss Kwon about it,” you said in one go, hoping that it would make it easier on the boy if you didn’t drag it out any further.

Seunghun’s smile wavered, but only for a short while. It was replaced by a gentle, warm smile, one that he gave you whenever he found one of your antics lovely or he had a compliment to say. You felt your heart shake, like leaves meeting the cruel winds, especially when he broke the silence.

“I’ve figured that it was already too much for you. I’m glad you can now focus more on your studies,” he mentioned with a toothy smile, and oh, how you wished at that moment that you could have treated him better in the past year. You didn’t deserve his words, you didn’t deserve him.

Torn by his overflowing kindness, you just stood there without being able to mutter any words. Seunghun, on the other hand, took two steps closer to you and hugged you. At first, you froze in place, but soon just like the ice starts melting under the warmth of the rays of sunshine, you eased into his touch. You missed it so much. You missed his touch, this comfort and the feeling of being safe beside him no matter what would await you after dance practices.

“I’m going to miss you nevertheless. You should at least reply to my messages, so that I know you’re doing okay,” Seunghun mumbled while still hugging you tightly, and you bobbed your head a bit, signalling that you would do so.

This moment was one that you wished to engrave into your head, but it had to come to an end eventually because nothing, not even feelings, lasted forever. So after you let go of each other, wished each other well and promised to keep in touch, you left the dance academy to head to your Maths class, only to find yourself crying in the bathroom afterwards.

There were different kinds of goodbyes, and Seunghun thought that he had gotten used to saying goodbye. However, this one was different from any other before. It wasn’t like saying goodbye to his parents in the morning before going to school, to his dance teacher after class between ragged breaths, to his friends after hanging out at each other’s house or saying goodbye to you when you had stopped dancing with him at the academy. This time, he would go far away for a long time, and if everything went according to plan, he wouldn’t come back for two years, only for holidays.

No wonder his mother had been teary-eyed when he had packed his suitcases the day before or his father had been extra quiet on the way to the airport. His grandparents had also told him to never skip meals and call back frequently - or video chat them if his parents helped them out -, and his former dance teacher had also sent his wishes the last time they had met. A lot of his friends had given him something to bring along - for instance, Byunggon had given him a plushie that had magically fit into one of his suitcases - while some of them including you waited for him at the airport to bid their goodbye.

Seunghun was glad that you had decided to tell him that you wouldn’t come to class in person because he would have been really hurt if he had only gotten to know about it through the dance teacher. He might have even given up on trying to stay in touch, but with your promises back then, you had managed to stay in touch, albeit messages had been more and more scarce the closer the end of the senior year had been. Seunghun had been busy preparing for his audition tapes for dance schools abroad while you had been busy with your exams.

However, once summer break had rolled by, you two had been more free, and you could have spent some time together - going to cafés, walking in parks and watching movies together. You had seemed more radiant, thankfully, and Seunghun had been happy for you. It was as if you had found your way back to yourself. You had been just as happy for him, after all, he had made his dream come true - to learn from some of the best dancers in the US -, and he had been eligible for a scholarship thanks to his amazing audition choreography and recommendation by his former dance teachers.

So there you were beside Hyunsuk, Jinyoung and his parents, and he couldn’t believe that the close proximity you had now would expand to thousands of kms in a bit. It felt like he had just gotten you back, and now you would be even further away than before.

“I think you should go soon,” his father reminded him of the passing time when he had gotten too immersed in a dance video that Jinyoung was showing on his phone.

“Right. I shouldn’t miss the opportunity to charm the West with my dance,” he joked around to ease the tension in the air because his mother was already sobbing and you looked like you were on the verge of crying, too.

“Remember what I’ve said,” Hyunsuk mentioned playfully as he gave him a hug, and Seunghun nodded, toothy smile and all. His friend had asked him to get him his favourite sweet in its original form and preferably an XXL version, so Seunghun was set on doing just that. As expected, Jinyoung had less to say, but his hug was just as tight as Hyunsuk’s.

Then came his parents who could barely let him breathe, they hugged him so tight. You had already lent his mother a new tissue because she had used up her own, and his father earned a few supportive pats on the back from the boy’s friends.

Then came you, and suddenly, there were no words that could describe how he felt. It would have been so easy to dance his heart out, but here, he couldn’t do so. Instead, he let his heart do the dance, and hugged you like he didn’t want to let go of you (because he really didn’t want to).

“Take care, and don’t forget to rest when you’re at your limit,” you reminded him like his own mother would, and the boy couldn’t miss this opportunity to tease you that you sounded just like his mother.

“She’s right though,” the woman agreed between little sobs.

“You too. Don’t burn yourself out at uni,” he told you firmly, and even though he could feel that you were ready to let him go, he held onto you a bit more. “Just a few seconds more, please,” he whispered into your ears, so that only you could hear it. You relaxed into the hug once more and patted his back, encouraging and empathetic as always. Seunghun wished so badly that he could just keep you in his arms and take you away because he was so damn afraid that distance would keep you two apart.

“I promise I’ll write back and we can video chat, too. I promise, so go now. You’ll miss your flight,” you prompted him albeit a bit weakly. You might have tried to keep it together, but your voice told him all he needed to know, and that was what prompted him to actually let go.

“I won’t, but I’ll miss you,” he confessed with a gentle smile, his chest tightening at the realisation that it was time to go.

“I’ll miss you, too,” you responded quietly, but that was all he needed.

So with the hope that distance would only do you good and bring you closer, Seunghun held onto the strap of his backpack and headed towards the security area. While walking, he kept waving back until you were all out of sight. That’s when the first teardrop rolled down his face.

You would be lying if you said that you didn't miss Seunghun while he was away; that you didn't miss his jokes that were the best told face-to-face, his eccentric behaviour that popped out of nowhere sometimes, his dance that you loved watching in person despite not dancing yourself anymore and just him. His warm, chocolate-brown eyes, his little dimples that popped off when his toothy smile was on display, the mischief in his eyes whenever he was in his prankster mode and his bone-cracking hug. Seunghun was a person who loved to give with actions, and even though he was far away, he continued doing so.

He kept sending you good morning and good night messages despite the time zone difference, he recorded himself dancing and asked for your opinion, he kept bombarding you with selfies of himself in more or less clothes, not to mention the movie night/morning weekends when you watched a movie together while sharing your screen. It was all fun and heart-warming, and even though these didn't make him appear in front of you, they did reassure you that you would stay in contact even despite the distance.

You regretted not cherishing the time that you had together, and you regretted all the times you had turned down his offer to meet up. You hadn't known any better back then though, and while it was difficult not to get sucked into the deep, dark world of perfectionism again, you slowly learned how to do so. It wasn't easy, you were still struggling to know where your limit was and how you should set boundaries to keep a good balance between your studies and private life, but it was a work in progress. The idea of losing someone so precious to you who cared so much for you over something like this terrified you, so you felt like you had to do this. Plus, the fact that you enjoyed what you were studying made all your efforts to get into a law school worthwhile.

So despite Seunghun coming home during holidays which meant the time just before exam season mostly, you took every opportunity to hang out with him and his friends. Seunghun had also learned that some people didn't bother to give him a call or send him a message while he was away, so not all of his friends stayed his friends, but it was for the better. The important ones stayed.

However, the question was always lurking in the back of your mind; what if he stayed, what if he didn't come back after 2 years but instead, stayed in the US to keep dancing? Seunghun hadn't even known a definite answer to that question in the beginning, and when he had had a relationship for half a year, it had seemed that he would stay because his girlfriend had wanted him to. He hadn't told you why they had broken up exactly, but he had said that letting go had been for the better.

On the other hand, Seunghun came home after those 2 years. His previous dance teacher at the academy called to tell him that there was a teenage class he could take under his wings if he wanted to while still dancing competitively under the academy, and he had said yes. His friends couldn't stop teasing him since then that he would be a teacher, and teenage girls would probably have a crush on him despite the age difference. Seunghun just laughed it off, saying that though his charm was undeniable, he had to be a good teacher in the first place to not lose the ones who would have a crush on him. He admitted that he was a bit nervous how it would go, yet he was excited nevertheless.

"I'm sure you'll do great. You've taught me well when I needed help," you reminded him when he was sharing his concerns with you over a cup of coffee. You had stumbled upon this café the summer before he had gone abroad, and you had been sitting at the exact same table when you had been sharing your worries over getting into your desired university. You wondered if he remembered.

(He did.)

"I know, but you were different. We danced together, we were practically breathing together when dancing," Seunghun pointed out with a cheeky smile, and you couldn't help but roll your eyes. Seunghun was like this even before his move, but since coming back, his remarks were even more smooth, even more borderline flirty. You didn't know what to do about it. You didn't know if he knew he was doing it so flirtatious.

(He did.)

"Well, you'll get to know them better as time goes by. You'll do great, I know," you reassured him with a confident nod. "Though if you end up not enjoying it, there's nothing wrong with that, too. You should be doing something you love."

"Is that really you, y/n?" Seunghun let out a lighthearted laughter that didn't fade away even after he saw your expression. "But for real, you've become so much... Looser? More at peace? With yourself and the world. It's nice. I like seeing you like this again," he admitted on a more serious note, and his words played on your heartstrings. The way he looked at you did too: as if his eyes were twinkling little stars, his face the peaceful canvas of the night sky and the smile that he wore on his lips was a shooting star that you could wish upon.

"You're the reason for that after all," you blurted out without thinking twice about it, but confusion was written all over the boy's face, so you elaborated on something you couldn't have seen two years prior, but now it was clear as day that he was the reason why. "If I hadn't been so afraid of losing you, I might not have stopped being so hard on myself. But you reminded me that I have to be kind to myself to be able to be kind to others. And I... I also felt guilty for not dancing anymore. I felt that I've failed you somehow. I know you would never say that to me though," you clarified swiftly when you saw the boy open his mouth. He closed it immediately, prompting you to continue with a bob of his head.

"But somehow I felt that way. I loved dancing, but I hated how it turned into one of those slots in my days that weren't directly study-related. I also hated how I didn't enjoy it anymore, but I thought it was because of dancing itself, not because I didn't enjoy anything else either," you didn't need to continue for Seunghun to know: that it was him who had pointed it out. He had pointed out that you hadn't seemed to enjoy dancing, and when he had asked if you had been happy, you couldn't have said yes. No one else had taken the initiative to ask about your real feelings.

"If you could go back in time, would you do something differently?" Seunghun raised an eyebrow, his eyes boring into yours. His expression was a mixture of curiosity and bitterness for he knew just how dark this time had been for you. However, as the closest person to you, he had every reason to ask about it, so you weren’t afraid of answering between little sips of your favourite latte.

"I don't think I would because that conversation we had at the dance academy when I left was the one that had opened my eyes. If it hadn't happened, I might not have taken your words that seriously or if I hadn't stopped dancing then, maybe I would have really ended up hating dancing even more."

This was also one of the things that had changed between you two in the past few years: you were yet again as candid with each other as you had been in the beginning. May it be because you had grown and experienced more or may it be because while having such a distance between you two, you couldn't have communicated any other way other than honestly. After all, you hadn't been standing face-to-face to read each other's facial expressions or body language.

Seunghun nodded and thanked you for sharing this with him. You gave him a gentle smile before asking about his side: if he had something he wanted to change. He hesitated for only a bit before he admitted:

"I would have told you that I like you." The confession rolled off his tongue confidently, yet there was a hint of fragility in his voice. Your heart skipped a beat at his words and the way he said it so truthfully, his eyes still on you. "I just thought that by saying that, you might not actually keep your promise of staying in touch because I would make you feel uncomfortable... And it just didn't seem like a good time. You already had so much to worry about," he elaborated, and the more he talked, the more touched you felt.

So he hadn't even told you how he felt because he was worried that it would make you feel even worse? So he had sacrificed all these years to keep his feelings to himself because he had wanted you to not worry about his feelings? Oh dear gosh, yet again, just how much he had actually put you first?

"I... I..." You stuttered, struggling to find the right words to say and pulling yourself together to keep your voice steady. You didn't know, of course you didn't know, and he was also right: it wouldn't have been the right time. You wouldn't have been able to give him enough love, care and appreciation because you hadn’t even learned to love yourself back then, but now…

"I understand if you don't feel the same way, but I felt that it would be time to come forward. I thought I missed you as a friend while being away, but being in a relationship made me realise that I was looking for what you and I had together, and I was looking forward to have that with you again."

So that was the reason they had broken up with his girlfriend. You just had no idea why: how could he have held onto this - to you - for so long without giving up? Maybe you did know though. It was him, he was Kim Seunghun after all, and he, he didn't give up.

(He did it because of you, because it was you, not someone else.)

"I like you too, Seunghun. I've liked you for so long," you confessed as the thought prompted you, and the way his whole face lit up hearing your words was absolutely worth everything. "And I think it was the right time this time."

"I did think so, too. You just made it easy for me to confess," he mentioned with a playful edge to his words. You broke into laughter because it was just so him, you were honestly so looking forward to how it would continue. Your story. Everything and nothing would probably change at the same time. Yet, you knew one thing for sure: that you did like him.

(And he liked you, too.)

A/N: This was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster, right? I know, but actually, this story was supposed to be even angstier. It was supposed to be an open-ended one with them actually losing contact after the reader leaves the dance academy (without telling Seunghun) and meeting again accidentally when he comes back from the US.

However, as I was writing it, writing how much they meant to each other, I felt like it wouldn’t be them. At least they would talk it out, and that’s how it ended up like that. I also think it’s quite realistic in a way that sometimes relationships go through highs and lows and times when losing contact is almost inevitable, but then, people make up. Seunghun and the reader were also constantly growing and experiencing things, and they confessed when it was time.

On a side note, I’ve been lucky enough to see CIX during their European tour, and OMG!!! They were incredible both singing and dancing-wise, and their personalities really shone through during those hours. I was so so happy to see them enjoy themselves. (I could write a whole dissertation about it haha) I hope every FIX can have such a magical moment to themselves and see the boys live! 🥰🥰🥰

I hope you enjoyed the story! Thank you so much for reading it! ❤️

If you want to read more stories of mine, let it be for CIX or for other bands, consider signing up for my taglist here.

#cix #cix imagines #cix scenarios #cix x you #cix x reader #seunghun #seunghun imagines #seunghun scenarios #seunghun x reader #seunghun x you #cix fluff #cix angst #seunghun fluff #seunghun angst

[dat-town]

you are the knife i turn inside myself (that is love)

Characters: Seunghun & OC (Jieun)

Setting & genre: angst, hurt/comfort, set in the world of Save Me Kill Me MV

Summary: Jieun had always been an enigma. Yet, Seunghun can’t stop loving her.

Warnings: mentions of suicide (Yonghee’s), past attempted suicide (MC), bullying, parents’ divorce and neglectful behaviour (MC’s), deceased parents (Seunghun’s), academic pressure, depression (MC’s), therapy ‒ if any of these topics are triggering for you, please don’t interact with the fic. if you would like to know what to expect under any warning beforehand, feel free to send me an ask

International suicide hotline: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Words: 6k

Author’s note: it’s a spin-off to in your eyes i see another me, for my convenience I named the previous reader, as Jinah. I don’t think it’s a must to read it but it gives more context. Heavily inspired by the CIX story films and Save Me Kill Me MV, so the boys’ characters resemble that more than their idol personality. This story is heavily Seunghun-centric.

Title taken from Kafka, read the meaning here.

For @restlessmaknae, thank you for always being such a supporter, for introducing me to new music (and groups) and for fangirling with me over fictional characters or real people in general. I hope next year you find a place where they appreciate you the way you deserve it and that it will be a better one health-wise. I wish you more (kpop) concerts, travel experiences and happiness! love you <3

Seunghun couldn't tell when exactly he fell in love with Jieun. Was it love at first sight? The way her fringe had fallen into her dark eyes, the fierce fire in them, the way she had looked at him like everything was a challenge ever since the first day of high school? Or was it much later when she had held his trembling hand during his mother's funeral?

Seunghun wasn't sure but he knew one thing: he didn't remember how it was to not be in love with her. That's why it hurt when he started to notice her building up walls, acting weird and hanging out with Byounggon more. The boy told himself he wasn't jealous, he had nothing against the other guy after all, but lying could only take him that far.

Then his whole world turned upside down when it turned out that Jieun had a twin who pretended to be her while she was in a hospital. In a coma. Because of attempted suicide.

It was like an ice cold shower because Seunghun would rather have Jieun be with somebody else than dead. Or in pain. But Jieun was like a rose with sharp thorns, so to love her was like handing her a knife, ready to be hurt.

The smell of the hospital was the same. Seunghun remembered it all too well. It didn't matter that it wasn't the same building or that months had passed. He had spent too much time beside Yonghee's bed, praying that he wouldn't leave like his mom, to forget. And now here he was, right by the unconscious Jieun's side doing the same.

She looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, all pale and put on machines that kept her alive. So unlike how she really was: wild and lively like ember among ash. Whenever Seunghun came to visit, his heart sank at the sight and he couldn't help checking the heart monitor just to make sure. Hoping that one of these days it would be different, that she would open her eyes and everything would be okay. What a wishful thinking but it's not like he had anything better to do.

"Your sister comes back from the UK tomorrow. You should see Byounggon, he's like an excited puppy," he recited, sitting on the uncomfortable metal chair next to Jieun's bed. He didn't believe she heard him but the nurses told him it could help, so he did his best. It made it feel less weird too, just being there, silent, watching her sleep. Like this, he could pretend they were gossiping, like she could chuckle anytime soon and call him out on his bullshit when he exaggerated. Not this time though; ever since Jinah notified them that she had finished all her final exams and was heading back to Seoul for the summer, Byounggon was restless. "How long do you think it will take them to get together officially? We all saw how they looked at each other and long distance can't be an excuse now."

Honestly, given Jieun's and Byounggon's arguing history, Seunghun didn't think the girl would have been thrilled to know that her twin got so close with the guy, but he would have rather taken her frustration than her silence at this point. He would have given anything for her to wake up. Maybe he was selfish but he wasn't ready to lose her too. Too many good people had left them last year.

"I miss you," he whispered, toying with a loose thread of her thin duvet. The realization wasn't sudden but his confession was. It tasted bittersweet on his tongue or like sour candy.

Seunghun gulped while watching Jieun's porcelain face, her dark lashes and listened to the rhythmical beeps of the machine beside her. Nothing even stirred. Gently, he reached out to take her hand in his, so cold against his sweaty palms, so still and unlike her. Jieun wasn't fond of public displays of affection after all. He sometimes got away with a brief hug or nudge on the shoulder, but Jieun was often quick to pull away. But she was like that with everybody, so Seunghun didn't take it to heart.

He squeezed her hand softly, suddenly nervous at being so daring, but naively he hoped that maybe the cliché things from dramas would turn out to be true for once. But no, even as he stood up to leave and let go of her pale hands, the heart monitor's beeps remained steady.

With Jinah back in town, they had one more person at those Saturday hang outs Hyunsuk liked to call movie nights in honour of the film club they used to be a part of.

Eventually all of them had graduated, even Byounggon and Jinyoung had managed to do so without having to retake the senior year. Seunghun wasn't sure it would have happened without Jinah. Sure, her lying to them and impersonating her sister had been morally wrong but with her around they had all gotten a new perspective: that they all had something to live for and none of the people who had left them would have wanted them to feel otherwise. At first, Seunghun had thought that it had been naive to think so, so unlike Jieun, but then he had gotten to know about her in the hospital and realized that maybe it had been their pessimistic mindset of theirs all along that had pushed the girl to the edge.

Hyunsuk and Byeol had gotten into the same college, sociology majors – she had wanted to study that and he hadn't known what else to do –, and it was cute how they lived their campus romance. Jinyoung had started working in a coffee shop and whenever they visited him, female customers were making heart eyes at him. Byounggon had gotten a job at a convenience store and often took night shifts because he had always been a night owl (and because with the timezone difference, this way he could talk more with Jinah), but with her back in time, it was most likely up to change.

And Seunghun? He had taken on a few children's dance classes to teach and was studying for the civil worker exam. With house bills to pay he couldn't allow himself to dream big. With all of them pressed up against each other on a couch, watching a movie, he was already paying his dream coins thinking of Jieun – that she would make faces but like this anyway –, wishing she was there.

It was almost the end of the visiting hours when Seunghun woke up. He didn't mean to fall asleep over Jieun's hospital bed, arms folded like a pillow but he was up late learning a new choreography. He loved the lack of crushing thoughts when he was dancing, the soreness in his muscles and the beats of music the only thing he was aware of. No what ifs or guilt or anxiousness, just dance. Except when Jieun had been watching him dance before because then his thoughts had been all about her.

The boy startled and pulled back, scooting back in his chair. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes. Then he froze, eyes widening.

Jieun was watching him.

Her eyes were misty and unfocused but she was awake. Seunghun stood up so vehemently that he almost knocked his chair back. Her name was a prayer of gratitude as he called it. The soft sound made the girl focus on him. Breathing through the plastic mask over her face, heartbeat measured by the wires put on her body, white hospital grown over her pale skin, Jieun seemed like a stranger but her eyes, they were still the same: sad but with fire in them.

Seunghun held his breath while a single drop of tear rolled down Jieun's temple, then she closed her eyes again right before the nurses arrived.

Seunghun was sent out while the doctors and nurses ran a million tests on the girl. He called Jinah and wrote in the group chat but he didn't know what else to do. He was pacing, walking up and down the corridor and while this was what he was waiting for, for her to wake up, it was also nerve-wrecking.

"How is she?" Seunghun ran up to the nurse who just came out of the room.

"Better than expected. But I can't tell you the details. Only family members are entitled to know medical details."

It left a sharp feeling in Seunghun's gut after spending in the hospital hours every week, but he wasn't surprised. He needed the family's permission to be able to visit too, so he didn't push it.

"Can I see her?" He asked instead, but the nurse looked at him uncertainly, with pity.

"I'm sorry but… the patient specifically said she doesn't want you to see her like that. Nobody apart from her family actually," she bobbed her head apologetically before hurrying away, leaving the boy behind.

Disheartened, Seunghun sank down onto the row of uncomfortable plastic chairs in the corridor and tried not to feel hurt. He knew how proud Jieun was, how much she hated to show weakness to others. He should have expected it, but it still stung.

He didn't know how much time had passed by the time the doctors and rest of the nurses left or when Jinah and Byounggon arrived. He just sat there, waiting, waiting. He wasn’t sure what for, not anymore.

Jinah told all of them that according to the doctors Jieun would make full recovery. She had to attend rehabilitation because she just spend months not moving and obligatory therapy due to the attempted suicide. She wasn't particularly happy about either of those nor having to repeat her senior year. But at least she didn't look like she was disappointed that she survived or so Jinah said. Not that they talked about it. Jieun wasn’t quite generous with words, not when it came to topics like this.

After a week of various examinations they would let her out of the hospital and she would spend two weeks in the mountains for recovery. Three weeks until Seunghun could see her again. If she was ready then.

"Seunghun, you are a beat behind. Where's your mind at?" His dance teacher's scolding pulled him out of his running thoughts.

Thoughts around and about her. Always her.

"Sorry," he mumbled and tried not to think of Jieun.

But he saw her even when he closed his eyes.

Jieun was alive and awake yet she had never felt farther. Seunghun's messages went unread on her phone and he only knew what was happening to her from Jinah. It felt wrong. Weren't they supposed to be best friends? When had it all gone wrong?

When she had jumped? Or when Yonghee had done?

Or when he had fallen in love?

Seunghun felt like she was slipping through his fingers like sand. It was almost like he was losing her all over again. For real, this time.

People said that it was natural to drift apart with your friends after school, once you didn't see each other every day, but he couldn't let go. He knew it wasn't about him graduating. Jieun was avoiding him. Seunghun told himself that she must have needed time. She was one of the strongest people he knew and she hated when she was seen as weak or vulnerable, she must have resented that he had been with her in the hospital. But how could he have not? At least he had been close to her that way.

The day after Jieun got back from the mountains, Seunghun got a text in the middle of his teens class. It was one simple message:

Can we meet?

His heart thrummed like a traitor when he saw it. He was sweaty and tired, but he wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity.

They agreed to meet at the park they often hung out later that night. Seunghun was more nervous than he would have liked to admit. His hands got clammy again after taking a quick shower and water droplets were still falling from his hair when he jumped on the bus. He was drumming on his knees to the rhythm of his heart, a jumpy little dance.

He didn't know what to expect. After months of not talking to Jieun, he wasn't sure. After her not wanting him to see her, he got even more uncertain. He kept replaying their last conversation. The one Jinah had confirmed wasn't with her. The way Jieun had smiled at him, nudged him playfully and stolen his fries. It had been painfully normal. He had used to beat himself up over not noticing the signs but all of them had been a mess after what had happened with Yonghee and Seunghun  had been busy with his mother's funeral too. There had been a new norm after that, nothing had been the same, so nothing had felt out of the ordinary. Nothing had felt like ‘Yonghee all over again’.

Jieun was already there when he got to the park. She sat on a bench with her long hair falling onto her shoulders, moonlight shining on her fair skin beautifully. She wore her signature eyeliner and black nail polish which reminded Seunghun of times before she got to the hospital where she was pale and bare faced, looking young, innocent and so so fragile. Seeing her again like this knocked the air out of the boy.

"Hey," she looked up, straightening her spine a bit once she was aware of his presence. The small movement didn't sit well with Seunghun. They were closer than to act differently around each other… Or so he thought they were.

"Hey," he echoed and took the seat next to her, his hands gripping on the edge of the bench. It felt unreal, being so close to her again, and she was awake, warm and real. "You… you look better."

It was a clumsy compliment but Seunghun knew Jieun would have never let him get away with calling her pretty or something like that. She didn't like that and the boy never knew why but according to Jinah they were always compared based on their academics and looks too. Early signs of Jieun's rebellion came with her going against what their parents would have liked to see her as: the ideal, well-behaving, perfect little angel.

"Better than half-dead in the hospital? Jeez, thanks," the girl snorted and her tone made Seunghun wince. Joking with her almost dying wasn't funny to him. He didn't say anything though, so silence embraced them for an uncomfortable moment.

"I'm sorry," Jieun sighed eventually and she sounded sincere.

Seunghun wasn't sure why she apologized though. For the insensitive joke? For ignoring his messages? For not letting him visit her in the hospital once she was awake? Or for the reason she had been at the hospital in the first place? Nevertheless, Seunghun shook his head, not wanting her to blame herself.

"Don't be."

"I am," she insisted, her eyes intense when their gazes met. "I never wanted to hurt you."

The boy sucked in a breath.

He was at fault too: he cared too much. But he couldn't say it was okay nor he could say he wasn't hurt. He was so damn confused at the same time as he was just happy to have her back. Because she was back, right? She wouldn't disappear like that again?

He wanted to ask. He wanted to beg even though he didn't have the right to tell her what to do. He wanted her to stay, but they didn't talk about it, about the elephant in the room, since everything was still so fragile.

Instead Seunghun looked into her deep dark night of her eyes and smiled.

"I missed you," he said.

Stay with me, he wished.

"I missed you, too," she said with the smallest of genuine smiles in the corner of her mouth.

For then, it was enough.

Admittedly, Seunghun had feared that Jieun wanted to meet because she would have preferred to cut ties with him, that it would have been a goodbye, maybe her moving away or just trying to start a new life. He was terribly relieved when it turned out that she just didn't want to apologize over messages for being distant ever since she woke up. She just needed time and space and she didn't like the idea of him wasting his time beside her hospital bed like he had done with Yonghee, too. He wouldn't have called it a waste of time though, he'd had nothing better to do and he had wanted to be there for them. Since he hadn’t been able to help, this was something he could have at least done. But convincing Jieun something like this was a lost cause and he didn't want to argue. A part of him just wanted things to go back as they were but another part of him, the one that wasn't a coward, wanted to be mature about it and talk it through. But he was afraid Jieun would put her walls up and shut him out then and he didn't want to lose her. He knew how much she disliked that therapy already that she had to attend for a year.

So Seunghun did the next best thing he could think of: making sure Jieun had reasons to live. He started writing a list, a list that he hoped would never end, of things that he knew she wanted to do, achieve or see. Be it a band concert, a trip to Gangnueng or just a choker she bookmarked on her phone. He knew her well and long enough to easily come up with a dozen list items but the hardest part was being smooth enough at delivering these that Jieun wouldn't call him out on it.

Like when they were out late again one night and he thought using that excuse that he was hungry would be enough to suppress her doubts.

"It's just so random," she grumbled when he told her dinner would be on him. It wasn't even anything fancy, just bibimbap that she always loved.

"I wanted to take you out from my first paycheck but you weren't awake then, so here we are," he echoed the practiced explanation. Technically it wasn't even a lie, he had wanted to do that. But now he had one more reason to.

When they crossed an item off his unwritten list, Seunghun added two more points in its place. With time, it turned into a little bucket list about things he wanted to do with her. Hyunsuk teased him that it was almost like he was planning dates for them and Seunghun had to make him promise not to call them dates out loud in front of Jieun. So what if he wanted to try out the new bingsu place with her or watch falling stars together or discover old record stores? He just wanted to be with her.

He knew it was only a matter of time that Jieun noticed the pattern and actually said something about it and then it would end. Seunghun guessed she kind of already knew, she just entertained him by letting him throw in a new idea for every weekend. Sometimes she asked if he shouldn't have studied instead but eventually let him be after listening to his nonsense excuses like how taking a break would fuel his productivity eventually.

Seunghun thought he could act like nothing had happened. Because it seemed like this was what Jieun wanted.

But sometimes he just couldn't.

"Jinah told us that you went to a psychologist," he said quietly after they visited Yonghee and his steps halted when Jieun fell behind.

"She shouldn't have. She had no right," she snapped, sounding both cold and angry at the same time, brushing past him, clearly not wanting to talk about it.

It was exactly what Seunghun wanted to avoid, but the cat was already out of the bag, so he didn’t want it to be an affair to brush off. He caught up with the girl, grabbing her wrist just temporarily to stop her and slip in front of her vision.

"You could have told me," he added, quiet and gentle, and Jieun's anger seemed to fade. She always seemed to soften just a bit when it came to him. Maybe that was also a reason why he fell for her. Because she made him feel special.

"You were struggling already because of your mom on top of what happened with Yonghee," she reasoned and Seunghun wished that she would have been more selfish than that. How could she have thought that her struggles would have been too much on top of everything as if she mattered less to him?

The boy sighed, shaking his head.

"That's not the only reason," he argued because he knew her and she respected him enough not to deny.

"That's not the only reason," she agreed, keeping eye contact. Brave, brave Jieun, why was she so afraid of showing vulnerability as if it was a weakness? Didn't she know that he wouldn't have thought less of her because of something like that?

"Can you tell me now? What happened? I would have never thought that you…" Seunghun wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence and it was probably the worst timing and not the best location either. But at least the streets were vacant and they were the only people under this alcove. The stars would keep their secrets. 

"I wanted to know how Yonghee felt," Jieun shrugged, trying to play it off but Seunghun saw the nervousness in her movements, the way she put her weight from one leg to the other. “Was he scared? Was it fast? Did it hurt? Maybe if it was fast and painless, it would be easier to accept it.”

Seunghun imagined her walking over the bridge, watching the river rush by underneath her and thinking of Yonghee. Of the boy with the gentlest soul and all those bruises on his fair skin. He imagined her screaming and reckless, finding comfort in the dark and the waves. The impact of her jump held magnitudes. It could never be fast and painless, not for those who loved them.

“Do you know what was the last thing I told him?” Jieun asked but Seunghun didn’t answer.

How could he have known when she had never told him? What he knew was that she had gotten into an argument with Yonghee not much before he had left them. But that was nothing new, Jieun had got into her fair share of arguments with all of them, especially Byounggon, because she was like an ember, fierce and restless. Yonghee had known this, he had known that her words were sometimes harsher than she intended.

“I called him a coward. I told him he was weak. That if he wasn’t going to stand up for himself, it’s like he’s letting them kill him,” Jieun’s lips trembled and she looked away, her voice getting breathy. “We were his safe space and I made him feel like he was a disappointment. I…”

A sob escaped her. It was so sudden that Seunghun didn’t see it coming. He had never seen Jieun cry. Not at Yonghee’s funeral, not when she had broken her arm trying a skateboarding trick in their freshman year. Yet, it was like an instinct: winding his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace. He half-expected her to push him away, to build up the walls once again just to prove that she was strong and independent. But maybe, finally she knew that from time to time it was okay to be vulnerable, with the right people it wasn’t a bad thing.

“I… What if that was the last straw? What if it was like I pushed him over the edge?” She sobbed into his shirt and he held her tighter as if he could keep her together as she was spiralling down. He had no idea she held so much guilt and grief inside.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered into her hair and murmured other reassuring words while storing her back. Yes, they were all bystanders and maybe they could have offered help, could have pushed more but Yonghee had loved them and he insisted that he was okay. There was no way they could have known what had been going on behind his smiles.

Jieun cried for a long time. Years worth of tears dried up on Seunghun’s white tee as she pulled back and wiped away the rest from her cheeks.

“Shit. I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you,” she sighed, her voice raspy from all that crying and the boy practically saw her build up her walls level by level as she composed her facial expressions and wiped away her smudged makeup. She was mentally running away, so the boy told her the only words he thought that could stop her.

"Jieun... you are the strongest person I know."

The girl blinked at him in disbelief, his reflection clear in her shiny eyes.

"Do you really still think that?" She asked ironically with the certainty of someone ragged and patched up, scars from her fall still fading into her pale skin. But to him, she had never been broken.

"Yeah, I really do," Seunghun nodded, convinced and genuine.

She had never looked stronger.

Seunghun was hovering over his textbooks in the pleasant warmth the coffee shop where Jinyoung worked provided when somebody stopped by his table. His first thought was the barista boy but the mellow female voice that greeted him proved him wrong. Even after months of knowing Jinah, sometimes the striking similarity of the twins still surprised him. Most likely because he had spent years without knowing about the other girl's existence. But now that he knew and the girl stopped pretending to be Jieun, it was also painfully obvious in just how many subtle ways they were different. It wasn't just about the lack of eyeliner – which Byounggon had noticed since day one –, but the way they styled their hair, the way they dressed or the way they talked. There was that warm smile on Jinah's face too that Jieun so rarely showed. Looking back it was impossible to not tell them apart.

"Hi, how's studying?" She asked, sounding sincerely curious as her fingers intertwined over her iced frappé.

"As okay as it can get,"  the boy shrugged, straightening his back, using her presence as an excuse to focus on something else other than the material. "And what are you doing here?"

"Just getting coffee while I wait for Gon to finish his shift," she explained and glanced at her watch, checking the time, before pointing at the chair across from Seunghun. "Can I join you until then?"

"Sure," the boy nodded, trying not to show any lingering awkwardness that remained from the time when she had been pretending to be Jieun. He wasn't angry at her anymore, he understood her reason no matter how wild it was but he still couldn't forget the confusion he had felt when he had thought he had been starting to lose Jieun to Byounggon only to realize that it hadn’t been her to begin with.

Small talk with Jinah wasn't as awkward as he thought though. He asked her about how she was holding up in the Korean summer weather and told her about his upcoming civil servant exam. Only when they seemed to run out of easy topics like that did she bring up her sister.

"Did Jieun tell you anything about Gon and me?" She asked, fidgeting with her napkin.

Seunghun furrowed his eyebrows. Why would they have talked about them? Was something up? Should he have known something? He thought things were going well.

"Uhm, no. Why?"

Jinah seemed a bit uncertain at the outright question. She was probably embarrassed to bring it up herself.

"She doesn't really like him, huh?" She whispered, tapping her nails against the glass. "And it's not like I need her approval but... she's still my sister, you know."

Well, Seunghun didn't know. He didn't have any siblings and up until last year he had no idea Jieun had. But after getting to know Jinah and their close bond with her twin despite being separated for years, he thought he understood why she felt that way.

"Jieun doesn't hate Byounggon or anything like that. They are just too similar in a way," he told her eventually, thinking of how vocal they both could be about their opinions, how fierce they could fight for their loved ones or how reckless they could be if they thought it was the right thing to do. They had similar enough personalities to clash because neither of them liked to be proven wrong... or seen vulnerable. They were the lone wolves that could lead packs. "Maybe the same reason why she doesn't think she is fit for happiness is why she would prefer if you stayed away from him."

Jieun was good at holding grudges but the one she forgave the hardest was herself. As if she didn't deserve it just because she made some honest-to-god mistakes.

"The same way she stays away from you?" Jinah asked and Seunghun's eyes widened, his ears on fire.

"Did she–"

"She didn't need to say anything, but I can tell that she is guarded whenever it's about you. She cares about you, a lot, but she doesn't want others to know," Jinah interrupted him before he could have asked and yeah, that sounded very much like Jieun. "While I was pretending to be her, I heard girls whispering that she didn't deserve you. That's also probably why she had 'bitch' written over her locker and who knows what else happened to her that made her think it would be a bad idea to… let you closer, I guess."

Seunghun hummed, more to himself than to her, his hands in fists, knuckles white in his lap. Was he a bad friend for not knowing about it? For thinking that something so petty couldn't get to Jieun?

He wasn't sure he had the right to ask more even if Jinah knew more, so he stayed silent and then watched Jinah's face brighten and following her gaze, he saw Byounggon by the door, with the same, small but happy smile on his face. They were so obviously in love that it made Seunghun wonder when it had stopped hurting for them.

Seunghun made a plan. It wasn’t a very thorough or foolproof plan but summer was ending and he really should have stopped being a coward. Life was short and he didn’t want to live with regrets.

He asked Jieun to meet at the playground in the park where they often hang out. This late it was empty and Seunghun was sitting on one of the two metal swings, enjoying the last of the summer breeze in his face. Jieun arrived with soft steps and a not so soft push on his swing. Her laughter that followed his yelp was a chime of bells in the night.

"So what's the occasion?" She asked, straight to the point, taking a seat next to him, not yet sensing his nervousness, so the boy decided it was better to just tip off the bandage.

"I thought we could get away from the city before you go back to school," he said once he was sitting up straight again. He reached into his backpack and handed her a return train ticket to Gangneung, her favorite beach town. She took it with a frown, her surprise morphing into something akin to embarrassment mixed with frustration. Not a good sign but the boy tried not to lose hope as he waited patiently for her to say something.

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to, I don’t know, trying to convince me that life is beautiful or whatever," Jieun scoffed but her fingers grazed across the paper ticket in her hands like it was something precious. Her addition almost sounded like resignation. "I don't want to die."

The not anymore echoed somewhere between them.

"I know. But I want to do these things with you," Seunghun insisted because it wasn't just about that. What happened to her made him realize that life was fragile and fleeting, he didn't have all the time in the world to wait around for a chance with her. He didn't want to procrastinate these plans anymore.

But it wasn't enough for Jieun, it never was. She liked logic and reasons and the truth.

"Why?" She asked firmly and Seunghun felt like he was held at gunpoint.

Because we are best friends sounded like a lie.

"I want to be the one you do these things with," he admitted and it sounded like a confession. He didn't plan it but his voice softened as he looked at her, his eyes were probably full of the longing he tried to hide so hard all these years because he knew she would reject him for a better or worse reason.

"Seunghun…" Jieun sighed and he thought this was it, she knew and she would reject him. Of course, she knew. He wasn't exactly subtle, even Jinah knew and she knew him for the least amount of time. Jieun looked at him and the boy held his breath, waiting for the blow. The invisible gun, aimed at his heart, fired. "You deserve better. I'm such a mess and a bad influence. You deserve a pretty girl who is kind and patient."

It didn't hurt as much as he expected. Jieun said nothing about her feelings or that his were ridiculous or one-sided. She just said what she thought was true because she had no idea how he saw her, how much he could thank her. She might not have been the conventional idea of pretty but to him, she was the prettiest. And bad influence? When it was her who pushed him to believe in himself and keep trying because he could do anything?

"I don't want anybody else," he said because he knew he couldn't have convinced her of anything else. “I like you.”

Jieun abruptly stood up from her swing and leaned over him, grabbing the metal chains to support herself just above his hands, her hair falling around them like a silk curtain and her warm breath fanning over his skin. Seunghun felt heat rush to his cheeks as he kept eye contact and warmth spread through his whole body from the point where her pinky brushed against his fingers.

"Why me?" Jieun asked and it was the most ridiculous question because the boy couldn't have said why it could not have been her.

The girl who had taken the blame when they had gotten caught being late from school because there had been a long queue for the waffle they had bought before classes. The one who had been there for more of his dance recitals than his own parents. The only one who had told him he could do it even when he hadn’t believed it. His safe place. His first love.

"It could never be anybody else," he whispered. He didn't mean it literally and she knew it. There were girls who had approached him before both in class and at the dance academy but he didn't care. To him, there was only Jieun.

"Idiot," she murmured but there was no edge to her words, only fondness. She sat back down on the swing next to him, feet kicking sand.

Seunghun turned to her, watching her expressions closely before he reached for her hand. First, he just tentatively held it, half-expecting Jieun to pull away, like she always did but when she didn't, he intertwined their fingers. They were both holding on.

What was love if not this? Feeling content just by sharing a space, this kind of closeness between two people? Knowing that by being vulnerable with them, they could hurt you and yet you willingly give them the power because you hope they wouldn't? Why? Because they love you too.

#cix angst #cix scenarios #seunghun angst #seunghun scenarios #cix seunghun #stories

[yong-jelly]

·˚ ༘ masterlist

🍮 - fluff

🍨 - smut

🥛 - angst

·˚ ༘ whole group

[headcanon] CIX AS LOVE LANGUAGES 🍮

[headcanon] HOW CIX WOULD EAT YOU OUT 🍨

[headcanon] PET NAMES THEY WOULD CALL THEIR S/O 🍮

[headcanon] CUTE THINGS THEY DO AS YOUR BOYFRIEND 🍮

[headcanon/drabble] MAKING OUT WITH CIX 🍨

[headcanon] HIDDEN RELATIONSHIP WITH CIX 🍮/slight 🥛

[mlt] MLT FWB mild 🍨

➩ bx | lee byounggon

[imagine] ALL ALONG 🍮

[imagine/drabble] SLEEPING IN 🍮

➩ kim seunghun

[imagine] COLD 🍮

[drabble] 🍮

➩ kim yonghee

[headcanon] NEWLYWED YONGHEE 🍮

[drabble] 🍮

[drabble] 🍮

➩ bae jinyoung

[headcanon] KISSES WITH BAE JINYOUNG 🍮/ slight 🍨

[drabble] 🍮

➩ yoon hyunsuk

[imagine] ESSAY mild 🍨/🍮

[imagine] DON'T LOOK DOWN 🍮

[nsfw a-z] 🍨

#kpop #kpop masterlist #kpop drabbles #kpop imagines #kpop x reader #x reader #cix #cix masterlist #cix imagines #cix drabbles #cix headcanons #cix fluff #cix angst #cix reactions #kpop fluff #kpop smut #kpop angst #bx #byunggon #seunghun #yonghee #bae jinyoung #hyunsuk #yoon hyunsuk #yong-jelly

[liamade]

Leap of Faith ; Kim Yonghee

»»—pairing: kim yonghee x reader

summary: your boyfriend yonghee randomly calls you out late one night, the two of you sharing your worries as you take a leap of faith towards your futures

genre: fluff, light angst, high school senior au, boyfriend yonghee

warning(s): N/A

✧ word count: 2k

*.✧.*✧*.✧.*✧*.✧.*

The sound of your blanket ruffling fills your dark room as you roll onto your other side for the umpteenth time that night. You absentmindedly scrolled through tiktok, lazily smiling or laughing here and there as you waited for sleep to take you.

Your eyes snap to the top of your screen when you get a notification, the smile on your face growing without you even realizing it.

loml yong 🥰

Are you awake?

you

of course i am,, who would i be if i wasnt-

loml yong 🥰

Lol

Tiktok again?

you

you know me so well 🥺

but what are you doing up mr 10 hours of sleep

loml yong 🥰

Couldn't fall asleep unfortunately 💔

you

why whats wrong??

loml yong 🥰

...nothing

Just worried about that test in chem..

you

ooohhh

i dont know why you stress about those

you pretty much ace every test you take babe 🤕

loml yong 🥰

But what if this is the one time I fail?

That's all I can think about right now.. 🙃

you

heyhey your kim yonghee,,,, the smartest person i know alright >.>

you study all the time, youve got this okay?

and even if you fuck up this one time mr lim lets us retake :)

loml yong 🥰

*you're

But you're right, thank you ♡♡

you

😐

last time i try and help you

"*you're" 🙄🙄🙄🙄

loml yong 🥰

Lmao sorry, I couldn't help it

you

😒

loml yong 🥰

Your parents are sleeping, right?

you

yeah why-

loml yong 🥰

Come outside 😊

Your eyes widen as you drop your phone on to your pillow, kicking off the blanket and running to your bedroom window.

Peering outside, you could see a man in a hoodie standing under a streetlight, leaning against it as he stares down at his phone screen. A gasp escapes your lips—though the guy was turned away from you, you could recognize the matching dog hoodie to your cat one anywhere.

Wasting no time, you rush over to your closet, grabbing whatever sweater you could get your hands on before shoving your phone into one of the pockets.

You slowly creaked open your door, sneaking through the hallway and down the stairs, cringing every time one of the floorboards attempted to snitch on you. Soon, you were outside and immediately blasted with the crisp 12 a.m. air.

"Yonghee!" you called out as you all but skipped in his direction.

"Hey," he greeted simply as he turned to look at you, "..you're wearing the pajamas I got you."

"Of course," you hugged him before leaning back to give him a once over, admiring how beautiful he always looked, even in the simplest clothes, "just like you're wearing the hoodie I got for your birthday~"

"Of course," he copied you, eye smile on display as he habitually took one of your hands into his own, his cold skin sending a slight chill down your back.

"Anyways, what are you doing out this late?"

"I told you I couldn't sleep.." He looks away, lost in thought as something hard to pin swirls in his eyes—a small seed of worry is planted in your stomach as you silently rub your thumb on the back of his hand, waiting for him to continue. His eyes are back on yours as whatever quiet storm they carried seconds before seems to settle. He lifts his other hand into view, a rustling capturing your attention. "I brought us snacks."

You stared at him with pouted lips, wishing you could read his mind and pick his brain for whatever was bothering him. Though you loved spontaneous moments like this with him, Yonghee wasn't generally that—he always meticulously planned things like your dates just to make sure you're happy and have as much fun as possible—so, for him to show up outside of your place at a time he'd usually be sleeping...

"Why're you staring at me like that?" he asked, breaking you out of your own thoughts. The smile stretched on his face now was one of smoke and mirrors—something you could see through.

You shook your head in response, though, because even if you could tell he was hiding his sadness away, he'd tell you eventually when he figured things out within himself. He always did.

So you stuck a smile of your own onto your face, hands immediately going for the bag as you stuck your head in to look inside, "oooh~ What'd you get?"

He was laughing now as he passed the bag to you so you could get a better look. "All of your favorites. I did good, right?"

You pecked his cheek as you excitedly pulled out a bag of chips. "Without fail, my lucky star."

"Lucky star?" He questioned, taking a seat on the curb and wiping down the spot beside him for dirt and pebbles so you could sit beside him.

"Don't ask," you responded with a laugh, already chomping away at your chips, "it just feels right."

The two of you soon fell into a comfortable silence, something you've become accustomed to since the two of you met at the beginning of freshman year almost four years ago.

You were stumbling around the halls, eyes desperately searching the walls for any clue as to where the hell your first period class was. It was the second week of the first semester so everyone else had the gist of their routes—except you. You being you, of course, this was only your first day as you ditched the entire first week. It was hard for you to make friends and unfortunately for you, none of your middle school friends came to this school; it was safe to say you weren't excited to start high school so you'd ditch whenever you got the chance.

Then there was Yonghee, some random kid who decided to help you out.

Yonghee was pretty much the opposite of you when it came to this whole school thing—he was diligent, even went to the freshmen orientation and everything. You were lucky that he noticed you, that your first period on that day was the same class, that he unknowingly let you attach yourself to his hip.

"Hey, y/n?" He called out to you, pulling you away from your reminiscent thoughts.

You simply hummed in response, glancing at him as you went back into the bag in front of you for another snack.

He paused for a second, toying with the promise ring around his finger that gleamed under the street light: it was something he got the two of you last year for your 2nd anniversary. It always made something well inside you when you notice him wearing it.

"Have you.. sent in your applications yet?" He quietly asked, big, curious eyes watching for your answer. They overwhelmed you, making you turn away as you looked up at the moon.

"Nope." You answered simply.

"'Nope'? You know the window closes soon, right? You should turn them in..."

You let out a puff of air that mimicked a laugh, but completely void of humor. "I'm not going to college."

His body was fully turned to you now, his eyes even wider than before from the shock of your words and how casually you said them. "You're not going? What do you mean you're not going??"

"I mean.. I'm not going, Yong. I'm taking a gap year, figure out what I wanna do, whether or not I wanna spend another four years suffering through school."

"And your parents said okay to that?"

"Of course not- I haven't even told them yet; they'd kick me out."

"Y/n…" he trailed off as his head spun from everything you just dropped on him.

You sighed, turning to face him with a small smile—though you understood his concern, you were dead set on your decision, already having thought it over at least a thousand times. "Hey, it's fine, alright? I'll get a job, stay with Jooyoung—you know her parents love me~"

Yonghee simply stared at you, not even knowing how to process it all or what to say in response. His face just fell further into a worried frown.

Your smile grew as you lifted a finger to his forehead, pressing at the space between his eyebrows to smooth out the crease, "I'll be fine, I promise, okay? Enough about me; have you done your apps?"

And there was that storm in his eyes again…

He looked away with a sigh of his own, "Yeah, a few Ivy's and um… an arts school."

"An.. arts school?"

"For acting- it's stupid, isn't it?" He lets out a pitiful laugh as he lowers his head to his arms that rested atop his knees.

"Not in the slightest, babe," You placed a hand in his hair, gently combing through it because you knew he loved that, "I just didn't know you were seriously into acting—I thought your theatre class was just for the credit?"

"It is… theatre isn't for me. I wanna be on a screen.. in dramas like-"

"Like Park Hyungsik?"

He lifted his head to look at you, unable to hold in a laugh when he met your sparkling eyes at the mention of Hyungsik, "if that's what you want, then sure."

"But in all seriousness though, Yong, I believe in you to make it. You've already got the face of an actor," you pinch his cheek as he blushes at your compliment, "you've got endless talent, a drive to do better all the time- if anyone's gonna be the next big actor, it's going to be you."

The smile Yonghee flashes your way this time felt like a blast of sunlight through the temporary reign the moon held on the sky. It was blinding, made your heart beat like crazy, and you knew that no matter how long you end up with him, you'd never get used to his beautiful smile.

"I feel like I can take on the world with you by my side." He whispered out, his voice honey sweet as he gazed at you.

You weren't able to handle him looking at you like that so you thought of the most moment-ruining thing you could do: fake vomit. You started dramatically gagging as you scooted away from him.

"What? What'd I say??"

You feigned disgust as you glanced at him, "how do you always manage to say the cheesiest things without realizing it?"

He rolled his eyes at you yet that pretty crescent sun stayed etched on his face. "Whatever just come back over here or else I'll have to eat all these snacks by myself."

You were quick to cuddle into his side, resting your head on his shoulder as you hugged his arm.

"Y/n?"

"That's me, yeah."

"Can you promise me something?"

You slightly pulled away from him to peer into his face, his eyes already on you, "I've been making a lot of promises tonight, but sure, what is it?"

"Promise me," he started before his hand hesitantly came up to cup the side of your face, making sure you didn't turn away from him as he spoke, "that no matter what happens.. we'll always be together, even if it's just as friends. I can't imagine my life without you in it now."

You could feel your cheeks blossoming red as you tried to stutter out a response, taken aback by the seriousness in his expression and words, "I- um- yeah.." Your hand raises to his own, your finger lightly rolling his cold ring against your cheek, "that's what these rings are for though, right?"

Yonghee didn't verbally respond but you could see the love he held for you color his dark eyes under this bleak night sky. His eyes shone much like his smile, but whereas his smile was like the rays of the sun, his eyes were the light that reflected off the ocean—it brought a subtle, but steadily growing warmth to your world.

So you kissed him. You kissed him to express all the love you held for him, love that he filled you with whenever he could, love that you were more than happy to give back.

main masterlist

© liamade, 2022. all rights reserved.

#cix #cix au #cix scenarios #cix imagines #cix fluff #cix angst #cix x reader #cix yonghee #yonghee fluff #yonghee angst #yonghee scenarios #yonghee imagines #yonghee x reader #yonghee au #kim yonghee #yonghee scenario #yonghee imagine #yonghee #cix imagine #cix scenario #yonghee oneshot #yonghee drabble

[kpop-kitkat]

Throughout the Years | Kim Yonghee

pairing | lover!kim yonghee x f!reader

genre/cw | fluff, slight angst, non idol au, sexual content, fluffy bath scene that’s slightly suggestive, dad!yonghee, mom!reader, cute family, stress, hurt comfort sorta 

wc | 2.0k

notes | yonghee is so sweet i cannot-

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧  

Love is one of the most wonderful things a human being can experience. And to find love at the young age of fourteen, while not exactly ideal, is just as much of a gift. That was the case for Y/n and Yonghee. 

You hear about middle school romances in movies, books, the news even. But never did these two think they'd find their lover in grade nine. It was fate, honestly. Like the most cliche romance drama, Y/n was being picked on by the school's bad boy. And her hero, Yonghee, happened to be in the vicinity.

 "Go away Kento," Y/n begged, hugging her books close to her chest as she backed into her locker. 

 "No seriously," Kento continued from his previous words. "I'm confused. Were you born that ugly? Or did your witch of a mother use her magic and put a curse on you?"

 "Leave her be Kento," Yonghee seethed, stepping into the situation.

 "Oh look, it's the Yongster. Come to help your little girlfriend again? What are you going to do about it, tell my mom? You're not a real threat," he scoffed, inching his way closer to Y/n. And nothing could've prepared Kento for what Yonghee was about to do. Yonghee pushed his shoulders, forcing him away from Y/n, before punching him straight in the face, effectively sending him to the floor. "Ah! Help! Yonghee hurt me!" He immediately sounded, like the spoiled brat he was brought up as. But nobody listened to him. They were all equally fed up with his evil antics. In fact, they sided with Yonghee.

 "Nobody is going to help you, Kento. Now leave us, and while you're at it, get a life," Yonghee growled, earning a round of applause from his nearby peers.

Yonghee took Y/n's hand and brought her out of there, and into the open air of the outdoor basketball court just outside the school's gym.

 "Thank you, Yonghee. You didn't have to stick up for me like that. I appreciate it," she smiled.

 "Yeah, no problem," Yonghee blushed, being the shy teenager he was. He cleared his throat, remembering how he had been on his way to tell her something. Something important. "Hey uh... I've been meaning to ask you something," he scratched the back of his head.

 "Okay, what is it?" Y/n tilted her head at the boy. The boy who she had her eyes on since fifth grade.

 "I was wondering if... you... maybe uh... wanted to go out? Like to the park? Together?" He smiled sheepishly. "It doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be... I just think you're cute and I uh-"

The flustered boy was cut off by Y/n pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, catching him off guard. "It's a date then."

 "Y-yeah, cool."

~~~~~

Y/n cheered as loud as she possibly could when Yonghee scored a three-pointer, winning the game for Cix Academy's high school basketball team, the angels. The rest of the arena cheered as well. The fans, family members, and friends ran onto the court to congratulate the boys on winning, not only a game, but the championship. But Y/n, not wanting to be trampled, waited for the commotion to die down before she congratulated her boyfriend. And once the people cleared out, she did just that. 

 "Yonghee!" Y/n yelled, grabbing the boy's attention. She jumped into his open arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. "You did so well!" She squealed in delight. 

 Yonghee hugged her tightly. "Thank you," he smiled before pulling away to see her face. "I couldn't have done it without you cheering me on from the stands," he smirked, looking down at her lips.

 "Stop it," she playfully rolled her eyes.

He laughed. "You love it," he said, then capturing her lips for a brief moment. He pulled away and set her down before walking towards the exit, arm around his girlfriend's shoulder.

~~~~~

Yonghee and Y/n, the newlyweds, sat across from each other as they enjoyed a nice home cooked meal made by Y/n, in their brand new house. Life was seemingly perfect. He had everything he needed and wanted. Or so he thought.

”So, how do you entertain yourself when I’m gone?” Yonghee wondered, taking another bite.

”Lots of things. Piano, reading, swimming, cleaning,” she listed, also taking another bite. She swallowed and took a silent deep breath before saying the next part. “Taking a pregnancy test.”

Yonghee nearly spit out all of his water, but he gulped it down. “You took a test?”

”Yeah,” Y/n smiled.

Yonghee had never felt his heart beat so fast. It was out of pure anticipation and excitement. “What did it say babe?”

”Look under your plate.”

His gasped before lifting the glass plate that held his food ever so carefully. Under it, was a Clear Blue pregnancy test. And on it, was written the word, pregnant. “Oh my gosh,” he gasped, holding a hand to his mouth, feeling the tears welling up. He was wrong when he said he had everything he wanted earlier. Because now, he did. He got up from his seat and went to his wife. When she stood, he immediately embraced her, choked up, not knowing what to say. She smiled and hugged back. 

“Are you happy, love?” Y/n asked quietly, stroking the back of his head.

He looked into her eyes and sniffed, crying but laughing at the same time. “I’m more than happy, baby,” he smiled so wide, Y/n could’ve sworn she’d never seen him smile wider. “I love you so much,” he said, embracing her again, as he began to sway her back and forth.

”I love you too,” Y/n sighed, so grateful for his positive reaction. Despite the fact that Y/n and Yonghee had been trying for a baby after their first couple months married, fear still gripped her. All the possible scenarios would run through her head, and she’d begin to regret the whole thing. But Yonghee would never do something like that. He loved Y/n, and just as much, he loved children. She couldn’t be a luckier woman. 

“I can’t wait until the baby is born. Just to see you brush our little girl’s hair, or dance with our little boy,” began Yonghee. “You’re an amazing cook, you have an amazing fashion sense, and you’re just an amazing person. You’ll be the perfect mother. I know you will.”

”Oh Yong,” Y/n whispered, tearing up at his words. “I know you’ll be just as good a father.”

Yonghee laughed again, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. “I don’t deserve you babe. I really don’t. But I love you, and I’ll love our child just as much,” he said, moving his hand to caress her stomach.

~~~~~

“Minjoon! Hana! Stop jumping on the furniture!” Y/n yelled as she tried not to burn the chicken she was frying. Her two children only laughed and stuck their tongues out, knowing she couldn’t get to them. “Don’t make me tell your dad!”

”Yes mommy,” they replied in unison, both jumping back onto the floor, knowing they didn’t want punishment from their dad. 

It wasn’t easy, parenting a six and four-year-old, while your husband was working a late day. But it had become the normal as of late. But Yonghee promised he’d talk it over with his boss, and have more time at home. Money wasn’t even a problem for them, he shouldn’t have to work his ass off when he had two children and a wife at home.

”Minjoon, go clean your room. It’s a mess,” ordered Y/n.

”Okay,” the brown haired boy pouted, dragging his feet up the stairs. 

“And Hana, make sure mommy and daddy’s bathroom is clean,” she told her black haired daughter. She was only four, so she could only inspect the bathroom, not clean it. 

Hana went upstairs, checked the bathroom, and went to report. “It’s clean!”

”Thank you baby,” Y/n said, wiping the sweat from her forehead as she finished her meal, luckily without burning it. “Where’s Minjoon?”

”Cleaning his room.”

”Oh right,” Y/n mentally facepalmed. She sat down on the sofa and checked her phone realizing, she had gotten a text from Yonghee.

Love😇: Home in ten! Sorry for taking so long. Ily 😘

Ten minutes ago 

She quickly made sure everything in the house was picked up, and also cleaned herself off a bit. And when she heard the keys jangling in the door’s lock, she ran to the door, her children back in the living room playing with their toys. She smiled, seeing her husband’s handsome face after a long and tiring day.

”Hi baby,” Yonghee sighed happily, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. 

“Yonghee,” Y/n sighed, just happy to be in his hold.

”You sound tired,” he pouted, looking at the bags under her eyes. “Everything alright.”

She didn’t want to cry, but emotions overtook her. She was on her period also, adding to the day’s stress. “You’ve been gone so much lately, and it’s hard to take care of a huge house while making dinner and supervising two children,” she said, all choked up.

”Aww baby, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here. I promise I’ll try to take time off, okay?” He smiled, caressing her cheek. 

“Okay,” she sniffed, smiling again. 

Yonghee looked to see his children. “Daddy!” They both screamed, running into his arms. He laughed as he was nearly trampled before hugging them both, knees on the floor. 

“I missed you two,” he said, kissing both of their heads. “Let’s eat and go to bed early today, okay? Mommy is really tired.”

“Okay!” Said Minjoon, happily skipping to the dining table. 

Yonghee assisted Y/n as they set the table for their family of four. Five if you count the dog that waits for food to fall under the table. 

They all enjoyed the well cooked meal: fried chicken, a vegetable mix, and some mashed potatoes, the kids’ personal favorite. 

After eating, Yonghee told Y/n to rest on the sofa as he filled the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen. He then went to his children. “Alright you two, time for bed.”

”But we’re not sleepy!” Hana whined.

”Do you want to go to the park tomorrow?” Yonghee asked.

”Yeah!” Minjoon exclaimed.

”Then let’s go,” he nodded his head towards the stairs. They pouted, but they complied. 

Once he finished putting them to bed, he went to his nearly sleeping wife. “Baby,” he whispered, causing her to stir. “Do you want to take a bath together?”

She nodded in response, but refused to open her eyes. He shook his head and smiled before picking her up, bridal style, and carrying her upstairs. He ran the hot water and made sure it was the perfect temperature before he went to Y/n again. He carefully removed all of her clothes, and still awed at the sight of her beautiful body. “You’re so lovely baby,” he whispered, kissing her lips and nose before picking her up again, carrying her to the bath. Once he stripped his own clothes and got in next to her, he gently lathered lavender scented soap all over her body. Then he got the vanilla scented hair wash and massaged her scalp, earning a moan of satisfaction from Y/n. He took the mini shower head and rinsed her body and hair off. Once he finished, he pulled her to his chest, loving the feeling of her body against his. 

“Yonghee,” Y/n sighed, clearly sleepy.

”Yes love?” He smiled, kissing the top of her head.

”I love you,” she replied, yawning.

”I love you more,” Yonghee sighed, closing his eyes as he rested his head atop hers.

Most people say middle school romances never last. But look at Y/n and Yonghee. Met in fifth grade, fell in love at ninth. And they made it work. 

Because true love isn’t temporary. It’s forever.

#kim yonghee #yonghee #cix #cix yonghee #yonghee cix #cix fluff #cix angst #cix x reader #cix suggestive #yonghee fluff #yonghee angst #yonghee x reader #yonghee suggestive #kim yonghee x reader #kim yonghee cix #yonghee ff #kim yonghee ff #cix imagines #kpop #kpop boy group #kpop boys

[yv17]

after midnight - kim yonghee (김 용희)

a/n: this one's requested by anon and i'm so happy cuz i don't really get that much requests??? i'm incredibly sorry it took so long to write, but i don't usually write longer pieces and the fact that this ended up being 2k words is incredible to me. i hope you'll enjoy it !!

warnings: swearing, cheating accusations, argument?? yonghee is a bit of a bitch towards y/n, mentions of stalking

genre: angst with a fluffy ending, non idol! au, also mentions of fromis_9's seoyeon as y/n's best friend

the house was filled with the smell of a freshly cooked meal, the deliciously looking dinner waiting on the table. as always, your boyfriend yonghee went out of his way to prepare something nice for the both of you. and even though you should be feeling happy about it all, you felt as if there was something wrong, the tension thick in your shared apartment.

for the entirety of the day, yonghee felt distant, almost as if he didn't want to speak to you at all. and as much as you wanted to ignore it, his behavior was surely strange to you; he never acted this way, always the clingy, sweet type of boyfriend. so to see him barely speaking to you through the day, not even a kiss before work? it was weird.

you sat down at the table, your hands shaking slightly as yonghee sat down aswell, right across from you.

'thanks for the meal, honey' you said, smiling lightly at the boy in an attempt to loosen the tension up a bit. he gave you a small smile in response, a short 'mhm' escaping his lips.

he went straight to eating after that, trying his best to ignore your confused gaze on him. almost as he was pretending you weren't there.

'is there something wrong?' you finally asked, breaking the silence between the two of you. 'did something bad happen at work lately? some family issues?'

he sat silent for a few seconds, avoiding eye contact with you.

'i don't know, you tell me' yonghee said, looking up at you. you couldn't really read anything from his face, but his eyes showed a lot. sadness, betrayal and a slight but clearly noticeable hint of anger. and yet you had no idea where all these emotions came from.

'what do you mean?' you looked at him, a confused look painting on your face.

'maybe about the big flower bouquet that someone left in front of our apartment yesterday?' he said in an annoyed tone. 'or maybe the love letter that came along with it?'

'yonghee, what are you talking about?' you couldn't hide your confusion. for a second you thought he might've imagined something; you had no knowledge of any flowers, let alone love letters from anyone else but him.

'don't play dumb, y/n.' he said, the tone of his voice making you shiver. through the entirety of your relationship, he never spoke to you that way; it was something new, and definitely not something you enjoyed.

'i am not.' you said, the whole situation stressing the hell out of you. 'i truly have no goddamn idea of what you're talking about.'

'do you really?' his eyes focused on yours, his earlier resting face now expressing anger and annoyance 'or are you just hiding something from me?'

'honey, please calm down.' you stood up in an attempt to come up to your boyfriend, but he quickly shut you off.

'don't honey me right now, y/n.' yonghee spat, standing up to take a step awan from you. 'you're trying so fucking hard to pretend you're not cheating on me, it's almost funny.'

his words were like a punch straight to the face.

'what?'

you couldn't believe he would actually accuse you of something like this. in that exact moment, you felt as if a stranger was standing right across from you, not your loving boyfriend. after all, your boyfriend trusted you, or so you thought. because whatever left his lips right now wasn't any signs of trust and you were 100% aware of it.

tears started gathering in your eyes, threatening to fall down every second. you felt as if someone just put a knife straight through your heart; all meanwhile you were trying your best not to burst out crying.

the room went silent, as yonghee slowly came to the realization of what he just said, and it scared him. he promised himself, so many times, to never gush out on you, and yet there he was; standing right across from you, a terrified, broken look on your face, looking like you're at the brink of breaking down.

and it was all because of him.

he wanted to apologize, say anything that would deny his previous words, but it felt as if his mouth was sealed, and no matter how much he tried, no words came out of him. 

and so he just had to watch as you bursted out crying, hiding your face in your hands as you walked out the kitchen, heading to the door. he watched frozen in place as you put on your shoes and coat, how you reached for your keys from the top shelf, where you would always put them. 

‘y/n-’ when he finally managed to say your name, it sounded more like a weak plead rather than his voice just minutes before, and all of a sudden he found himself at the brink of crying. 

he took a step towards you, an attempt to prevent you from leaving, but at the same time he knew that you would walk out the door either way. he fucked up, and your reaction was adequate to the situation you were in. 

he had no other choice but to let you leave. 

‘i’m going to seoyeon’s place.’ you said, trying to contain your crying just for a second. ‘just so you know where to find me, i guess.’

and you left, closing the door behind yourself, leaving yonghee to himself in an apartment that had never felt so empty before. it didn’t take long for him to break down just like you did a bit earlier; tears staining his cheeks as they rolled down, landing on the wooden floor. 

that night, yonghee didn’t sleep for even an hour straight. 

he was so mad at himself. for leashing out on you the way he did, for accusing you of something he knew you would absolutely never do. he risked losing you over something so stupid, too blinded by his own anger to even give you a second to explain yourself, to remind himself that you loved him too much to even come close to anything as terrible as cheating on your loved one. cheating on him.

he contemplated on whether to drive to seoyeon’s place or not, knowing well how overprotective of a friend she is. she probably wouldn’t even let him inside; not after hearing about what he did. 

yonghee didn’t waste any more time, not even bothering to change into something that wasn’t his yesterday's outfit. he looked quite miserable; hair messy, clothes creased, but at that time, it wasn’t really important for him. what was important was getting to your friend’s place as fast as he could. 

you didn’t really know what to expect when you saw your boyfriend in the doorway of seoyeon’s apartment, breathing heavily as if he was rushing up to get there. you didn’t have too much time to think about it, either; soon enough seoyeon’s head peeked out of the kitchen, and quickly rushed him to get inside. 

‘can we talk?’ he asked, his eyes focused on your face. before you were able to answer, though, your friend quickly got in the way of you two. 

‘before you even try to explain anything to her, i need to exchange a word with you.’ seoyeon looked serious like she never did before, yonghee shivering slightly at her cold and expressionless eyes staring daggers into him. ‘come outside with me for a minute.’

she looked over to you, her gaze immediately changing into a soft one, as she mouthed a quick ‘i’ve got this’, before disappearing behind the door. 

and so you waited in silence, with shaky hands and stress eating you from the inside, waiting for them to come back. 

you were grateful to have a friend like seoyeon for many reasons. one of them was that no matter the situation you were in, she would always help you out. just like she was doing it now. 

the night before, after she calmed you down and let you explain what had happened at your apartment, you asked her to talk to yonghee before talking with him yourself. she agreed immediately, knowing what the situation looked like, knowing why the argument even started in the first place. 

after all, you were well aware of the flowers and letters sent to you. you were just to afraid to tell yonghee about the whole situation.

the idea you could ever have a stalker never really crossed your mind, and yet here you were; receiving flowers, letters and other presents, first to your desk at work, then right to your doorstep. every single time before you had managed to somehow hide it from yonghee, afraid he wouldn't believe you if you told him about it, or that he would react the same way he did the night before; accusing you of cheating on him. 

and so you kept it to yourself. after a month, it became a routine for you; throwing out the presents you always got every day, extra careful not to let anyone see that there was anything wrong. 

but seoyeon obviously noticed. 

she had asked you about it one day at work, and you almost broke down in tears explaining the whole situation. even though you tried to play it cool all of the time, reality was this stalker thing was eating you from the inside. but having at least one person to help you deal with it was great, and you were grateful that she helped you with getting rid of every single thing your stalker got you. yet still, you didn’t want to listen to her with the most important thing, it obviously being telling your boyfriend about it. 

so you were incredibly relieved when seoyeon agreed to having that conversation with yonghee instead of you. she took a really big weight off your shoulders with that, and you couldn’t possibly comprehend how much you appreciated her for that. 

you heard the door open, snapping you out of your thoughts, and suddenly, the stress came back. but it seemed to die down immediately the moment you saw yonghee, his gaze soft and caring, just like it usually was. 

he immediately came up to you, closing you in a tight hug, one that you definitely needed at that moment. 

‘i’m sorry, honey.’ he said, resting his face on the crook of your neck. ‘for everything i said yesterday. for not taking time to think everything through. for gushing out on you like that. fuck- i’m so sorry.’

you smiled at him, your hand resting on top of his head, slowly stroking his head.

‘it’s okay, really’ you said, your hand continuing the movement. ‘it’s partially my fault for not telling you about the whole situation. i was’ you stopped for a second, taking a deep breath. ‘i was just scared you wouldn't believe me if i actually told you.’

‘please don’t feel that way, ever again’ he said, his eyes locking with yours. ‘and don’t think it’s your fault, y/n. it was me who’s in the wrong for gushing out on you this way, and i shouldn’t have done this. i’m here to support you, right? help you through every situation. after all, your problems are my problems too, you know?’

‘i’ll keep that in mind.’ you mumbled under your breath, just enough for yonghee to hear. he simled lightly, planting a quick kiss on your forehead. 

‘sorry to interrupt your moment’ seoyeon said, walking out of the kitchen with her phone in her hand ‘but are you guys staying for dinner? i planned on ordering pizza today, and there’s a discount if you buy more than one.’

you looked at eachother, laughing silently.

‘i’ll pay for it.’ yonghee said, his words sounding more like a fact than a suggestion. ‘it’s the least i can do for now.’

‘sounds good to me.’ seoyeon said, heading back into the kitchen ‘but don’t think you’ll buy yourself into my graces this way. i’ll have my eye on you!’

yonghee laughed at your friend’s remark, looking over to you.

‘don’t worry about that. i’ll prove to you i’m worthy of dating your best friend.’

taglist: @ox1-lovesick <3

>> main masterlist

>> cix masterlist

© yv17, all rights reserved.

#yonghee x reader #kim yonghee x reader #cix x reader #cix fluff #cix angst #yonghee scenarios #yonghee fluff #yonghee angst #cix x y/n #yonghee x y/n

[kyufessions]

Losers

context: best friend! hyunsuk has had a developing crush on best friend! g.n. reader for quite some time, but terrified of confessing to them (featuring close friends! cix)

word count: 2.0k

warnings: fluff, just both clueless, making out at one point, some arguing but not too descriptive so i guess a tad bit of angst ?

a/n: clueless love struck hyunsuk </3 so cute ! i am in no way saying this is how any of them would act in the situation with reader x jinyoung (especially jinyoung), this is all fiction and in no way real.

—————-

everyone at the dorms absolutely adored you- they thought of you as their secret sixth member who laid low and kept them company most days. they’d even refer to you as a sibling of theirs (mainly byounggon and yonghee). but out of everyone, you were closest to hyunsuk. both of you were inseparable to be honest- always cuddling during movie nights and on facetime when not together. the other four would always tease about you two getting together eventually, but it’s been a good two years and nothing even remotely close has happened between you two to that extent.

something of that extent would have happened if hyunsuk wasn’t so terrified of making a move. everytime you even look at him it causes his heart to race; don’t even get him started when you fall asleep with your head on his shoulder because he could go on for hours. he liked everything about you, both inside and out. and everyone knew it too, except you of course. when it came to you, you were oblivious.

you liked hyunsuk at first, but as months turned into two years right before your eyes you decided to let your feelings subside. you figured he didn’t feel the same so you decided to attempt to move on. you would go on occasional dates, nothing too serious, but none of them started working out once you realized you had feelings for someone else besides hyunsuk as well. they only started around two months ago, but they were growing at a rapid pace. you had no clue how it happened, but here you were in the dorms. alone. with said person.

hyunsuk had been out running errands, making sure to be back in time before you had gotten there. he even picked up some of your favorites from the convenience store down the street, loving the excitement in your face when you were surprised by little things such as buying your favorite things out of the blue. but his excitement exited his body as he entered the living room of the dorm to find you sitting in the lap of his other member, lips moving together hungrily as your hands tangled themselves in his hair and his hands held your waist.

he felt his heart shatter. all the members knew of his feelings for you, especially jinyoung. but here he was, shoving his tongue down the throat of the person he felt himself gradually falling in love with. he made his way out of the room quietly, neither of you hearing him enter. he dragged his feet towards his shared room with yonghee, opening the door to see his roommate sitting up on his iPad. when he noticed you enter in a sulking manner, his attention shifted from his current math problem he was attempting to solve to the sad maknae.

“hey, what’s wrong?” yonghee asked, setting his iPad down on the nightstand beside him. he shifted his body to have his legs hanging off the side of the bed, resting his elbows on his thighs as he leaned forward to listen better.

hyunsuk put the bag of your goodies on his bed, sitting beside it and playing with the plastic bag. “i didn’t know y/n and jinyoung were a thing.”

yonghee’s eyes widened, tilting his head to the side. “what do you mean they’re a ‘thing’?”

hyunsuk pointed towards the door before ripping open the bag and taking out a drink he bought for you, debating if he should drink it or not touch it and just give it to you later. “they’re out there making out on the couch.”

and with that, the older member stormed out of the room and down the hall to talk to jinyoung. hyunsuk didn’t bother to listen in when the voices got bigger, even when his name was mentioned. he just stared down in the bag of the goodies, eventually picking it up and stuffing it into an empty nightstand drawer. for now, he just wanted to lay in his bed and forget everything. he would put it all away later.

when yonghee interrupted your heated make out session with jinyoung, you were confused as to why he was pissed off. that was until he said something you never thought you’d hear.

“you know hyunsuk likes them, why would you do that to him?” was all yonghee said to have your mind scrambling.

you had no clue how hyunsuk felt whatsoever. again, as previously stated, you were oblivious to that fact. you sat there, listening for a few more moments before deciding to get up and storm off to hyunsuk and yonghee’s room. when yonghee said your best friend walked in on you both, you knew he would be in his room. after all, where else would he be?

you didn’t even knock, just entered and watched as he sat up from his bed with his sad eyes meeting yours. you just sighed, walking over to his bed and sitting at the far end corner. he just watched you in silence, not sure of what to say. he didn’t really have a reason to be mad at you, really. he was more upset at his group mate and himself if anything.

“why didn’t you tell me how you felt, hyunsuk?” you questioned, not breaking eye contact with him for a second. you weren’t sure how to feel at this point- you had a million thoughts in your head.

“i was scared you wouldn’t feel the same.”

“for two years?” he nodded, causing a sigh to escape your lips once more. “i liked you too, you should’ve said something sooner.”

“past tense?”

you nodded, looking down at your hands and fiddling with your fingers. “i figured if you liked me you would’ve said something. so i tried to move on. then i got closer with jinyoung and- yeah.”

he shrugged, still looking at you. “i get it. i mean, it’s jinyoung.”

you chuckled, shaking your head. “no, hyunsuk. don’t. you don’t get it. don’t think lowly of yourself because of this- because of me.”

you stood up, not wanting to look at him as you started walking towards the door to exit his room. ”i, i still really like you but after this i don’t know how to feel. i wish i would’ve known sooner. i’m sorry.”

and with that, you walked out of his room and the dorm as yonghee and jinyoung both argued back and forth in the living room with byounggon trying to calm everything down. no one paid attention to you as you left, too immersed in everything that was happening.

days, weeks, and months passed by without a word from you. you hadn’t reached out to anyone, too embarrassed of the situation. you made out with jinyoung while his best friend had a massive crush on you, and you were too blind to even notice it.

for a few days, everything was bitter between the two. after a week, everyone else forced them to sit down and talk it out like adults. and they did. apologies were spilled and hugs were exchanged. they both agreed to not allow anyone to come between them, especially over romantic interests. after that, everyone messaged in the group chat you were in with them hoping you’d respond. but as weeks went on and you hadn’t responded, they became more concerned than anything. they all missed you, especially hyunsuk. but there wasn’t much for them to do if you weren’t responding since they didn’t want to push it. all they could do was text you occasionally and hope for some type of response.

months passed, and nothing. that was until one brisk october night when hyunsuk went for a nightly walk by himself. you had been on his mind all day, even more than normal. so he figured he take a small stroll through the park you both met at- coincidentally three years ago today. it was almost eleven at night, the sounds of crickets filling the night air.

the pale moonlight kept you company as you swung weakly back and forth on the swing, your head leaning against the chains. you were missing hyunsuk and the rest of the boys a lot more than normal, but you were too scared to text them. what if they hated you? or wanted nothing to do with you? you knew that wasn’t the case, but your thoughts held you back.

when hyunsuk saw you from a distance, he felt his legs dragging him towards you. he had no idea what he was going to say, if he was going to say anything at all. but he just had to see you up close in a better atmosphere than the previous one. even if it was potentially going to be for the last time.

you looked up as you heard someone approaching, the last person you expected to see be yoon hyunsuk. your breath caught in your throat, unsure of what to say to him. you both stared at each other as he sat in the empty swing next to you. for a while, you both just swung back and forth in silence. up until he spoke up.

“i missed you.” hyunsuk confessed, kicking his feet back and forth in the dirt.

you nodded, scared to talk. so for a few moments you just sat there not saying anything, until the guilt took over you and you decided to speak up. “i missed you too. i just feel, embarrassed about everything. almost like it’s my fault.”

hyunsuk took this opportunity to look at you and reach over to place his hand on top of yours in your lap, careful to not push any boundaries he made sure to hover his hand above yours. when you reached up to grab his hand, that’s when he knew it was okay to do so. he started rubbing circles into the back of your hand before speaking again. “nothing is your fault at all. you didn’t know of my feelings for you, i should’ve said something before. i just thought you didn’t feel the same and i was terrified of losing what we had if you didn’t.”

you let out a dry laugh, looking up to meet his eyes. they held hope yet sadness at the same time, and all you wanted to do was hold him in your arms. “suk, i’ve had feelings for you for the last two or so years. i just didn’t think you felt the same way either so i tried going on dates to forget you and even convinced myself of having a crush on jinyoung to forget my feelings for you. but it didn’t work and, as fuck up as this sounds, i was imagining you the whole time.”

hyunsuk couldn’t hold back his laughter, causing you to let out a hearty laugh as well. as he threw his head back, you just stared at him with admiration. you’ve missed this, all of this. his laughter, his smile, everything under the sun. this time, you were going to make sure not to let him go.

“no one is mad at you; in fact we all miss you. me more though, of course.” he stood up, interlacing his fingers with yours and tugging on your arm ever so gently. “come on, let’s go on our first date.”

you stood up as well, following behind him in confusion. “what if i don’t want to?” you joked, a playful smile tugging at your lips.

he looked back at you and rolled his eyes, letting out a soft chuckle afterwards. “we’re both losers who are hopelessly falling for each other, i don’t think you’d say no.” he pulled you up to his side, bringing your hand to his lips and planting a soft kiss on the back of it. “unless you don’t want to, of course. i won’t force you.”

you shook your head, a smile never leaving your face as your cheeks heated up. “this loser would love to go on this long awaited date with you.”

#cix #cix hyunsuk #cix scenarios #cix fluff #cix angst #cix byounggon #cix bx #cix x reader #cix jinyoung #cix yonghee #cix seunghun #cix bae jinyoung #yoon hyunsuk

[jenos-eye-smiles]

Hey guys! I’m sorry I’ve been gone for like ever, but I’m working on a CIX fic rn! It should be up by the weekend! It’s a Seunghun x Reader fantasy fic!! I’ll post the summary later on!!

#cix #cix smut #cix fluff #cix angst #kim seunghun #cix seunghun #seunghun x reader #cix x reader #kpop fic #kpop smut #kpop fluff

[seokmattchuus]

Sober - Optional Bias

A/n: I don’t know what this is but like, here you go. Not sure if I proofread this well enough, I be stressed out.

You had a love-hate relationship with drinking. You usually only did it when you were stressed, but you hated how you could never shut the fuck up once you started rambling.

“Please~ I wanna stay~~” You whined over the music as you held onto his arm, your eyes trying their best to muster a pleading look.

“Y/n, you really don’t need any more drinks.” He sighed, taking your arms in his as he tried to pull you with him. 

“Why not~” You pouted up at him, batting your lashes in an attempt to get him to change his mind. 

“Because I’m in charge of you and if you have one more drink, guess whose problem you’re going to be?” He smiled sweetly at you, a direct contradiction to the words he just said. 

But the look in his eyes had you complying. How could you say ‘no’ when he smiled at you like that.

“And what do I get if I agree?” You challenged, still pouting, but you weren’t really that upset. As long as you left together, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

“I’ll buy you hangover soup in the morning. Just the way you like it.” He laughed lightly as your eyes lit up at the mention of food. "Now, c'mon," He paused as he fixed his hold on you to keep you up. "Let's get you in the car."

-

The drive home had you wishing you hadn't had more than five drinks. Was the road always this bumpy? Were there always this many turns?

"Slow down," You whined, a small gag following the statement.

"We're not even in the car." He laughed lightly. "You fell asleep after a while and when we got here, you wouldn't wake up, so I carried you to your bed."

Through your drunken haze, you didn't believe him. Your arms reached out, patting around you and feeling the softness of your blankets.

"If you're feeling dizzy, though, you're probably gonna puke." He pointed out. "Would you like the restroom, or a trash can?"

"I'm not gonna puke." You mumbled a protest. "I just wanna sleep."

"And if you puke in your sleep?" He raised a brow.

"I'm not~" You whined. "If I was gonna puke, I wouldn't feel so cold." You stated matter-of-factly.

"Fine." He reluctantly gave in. "But you need to let me know if you feel like throwing up, okay?" He said softly. "I'll be in the living room, just call out."

"Or you could stay here, just in case I can't call out in time." Your voice was low, your previous sleepiness coming back.

“Yeah, yeah,” He smiled down at you as he tucked you in. "We both know you're just too lazy." He shook his head as he shifted back, but your arm came out to grab at his before he could get up.

“I meant it,” You mumbled, your voice soft. “Stay.” You tugged him towards you, the scent of his cologne making you want nothing more than to snuggle into him.

You meant it more than him being on simple puke-watch. It was the first time he'd stayed over in a while, and you wanted to make the best of it. Even if it meant pretending you couldn't remember it that well tomorrow.

He didn't pull away and you took the chance to pull him down next to you, your arms sneaking around his waist in the way you always wanted to.

His fists clenched at his side as your arms wrapped around him. Why were you making this so hard for him? Why couldn’t you just go to sleep?

“At least stay until I fall asleep.” You pouted, realizing you were probably making him uncomfortable.

It took everything in him to not say what he really wanted to. How he'd stay all night if it meant he got to wake up with your head on his chest. Instead, he placed a hand in your hair, slightly scratching it, and giving you a small 'hm' in agreement.

To him, you would never see him the way he saw you. You would never say this if you weren’t drunk. He’d be taking advantage if he stayed but he didn’t have the heart to tell you ‘no’.

And to you, he would never see you the way you saw him. Your petty excuses to spend time with him were running out. He'd see through it eventually, but you really couldn't help it.

“I’ll stay on the couch after you fall asleep, okay?” He was lying and he knew it. In the morning, he'd pretend he had fallen asleep while waiting.

His voice calmed you as he finally settled into your hold, his free arm wrapping around you in hopes of locking the memory in.

The way your hands laid on his chest made you feel at home. Be it your drunken self getting cozy or the way he actually felt comfortable, you hummed to yourself in delight.

And he couldn't be happier with you wanting him to stay. How your fist closed lightly, trapping his shirt in your hold. He felt brave enough to pull you closer, his head leaning down to place itself on top of yours.

Maybe it wasn’t how you wanted it to happen, and maybe he'd never speak up, but he felt more comfortable with the thought of doing so as you snuggled into him. He closed his eyes, a single thought repeating in his head to tell himself he wasn't going crazy.

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

#ahahahahahaha what is this #if it's an optional bias do you think of someone other than an idol because when i write one they sometimes lowkey be about certain someone #feelings are gay. boys are stupid. i will only be falling in love with tiktok boys from now on idc idc idc idc #send me a tiktok boy to become obsessed with so i can write hoe shit again #x1 angst #victon angst #wei angst #woodz angst #seventeen angst #vixx angst #ateez angst #astro angst #cix angst #sf9 angst #monsta x angst #stray kids angst #vav angst #ikon angst #a.c.e angst #the boyz angst #wayv angst #the rose angst #got7 angst #pentagon angst #kim wooseok angst #exo angst #kard angst #kpop angst #mine #zerobaseone angst

[whatsk-poppinhomies]

𝐓𝐨 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤, 𝐑𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭? 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 : 𝐒𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐮𝐧 𝐱 𝐅!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 : 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 𝐓𝐖 : 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ; 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭-𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 ; 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬 ; 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐦 ; 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 ; 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 𝟓.𝟕𝐤

“I love you to the moon and back…” He cooed as he leaned over you on the couch. You had been perfectly positioned between his legs, your head resting against his chest as you both reveled in each other's company. It felt like it had been forever since you had seen him last, but the truth be told, it had only been about a week, which seemed to be the longest the two of you could stand to be away from each other. 

You cringed at the cheesy sentiment, your nose scrunched up as he pressed quick kisses across your forehead. “You’re so corny.” You playfully whined, trying to move away from the onslaught of affection that didn’t seem like it would let up anytime soon. “And your kisses are so sloppy!” You squealed as his hands slowly slipped from around you, the thought in your mind that he was about to let you get up, but instead they attached to your hips, tickling you ruthlessly as his own laughter sounded from above your head. 

“You never complained about it before!” He teased back, his fingers still working at your sides as you tried to wiggle and squirm your way down the couch in an attempt to escape, but his own body seemed to move with yours, every inch you moved, he seemed to move as well. “Are you trying to avoid my love!” His portrayal of shock was over dramatic and adorable, his hands finally moving away from your sides to fly up to his heart, his head falling back loosely to the arm of the couch. 

“No…” You said in between the breaths that you struggled to catch, rolling over onto your stomach now and laying on top of him, your own lips creating a trail of kisses along his jaw and across his cheek until you reached his nose, pecking it swiftly before craning your neck to look down at him. “You just kept missing the target.” 

He gasped loudly, immediately flipping you over and pinning you beneath him, a sly smile on his face as he slowly moved closer to yours until his lips were hovering just above your own. “I guess I shouldn’t keep you waiting, right?” In response you shook your head no, puckering your lips to meet his, but as if it had all been strategically planned, he quickly moved his head to the side to press a wet kiss to your cheek causing you to groan in teasing disgust. 

“Ruuuude!” You whined, weakly pushing against him, although there was nowhere else you’d want him to be than where he was right now. “You say you love me sooo much, but you won’t even kiss me.” You pouted up at him, dropping your hands from his chest to cross over your own and he didn’t even try to hide the smile as he looked down at you. 

“You’re so cute, sweetie…” He cooed, finally kissing you the way you both had wanted, a soft hum escaping his lips as they moved against your own. “I just love teasing you… You can have all the kisses you want.” 

Oh how the times change, and it doesn’t even take that long to change either. Everything seemed perfect, everything was perfect, at least in your mind, that’s the way he had made it seem. You love Seunghun, and he never gave you any reason to think that the feeling wasn’t mutual. He’d show up to your apartment with flowers and an endless foray of kisses as if you were the only girl in his life, the only person in his world. 

You thought that you were, you really did… There had been no sign of change, no red flags that everyone warns of, he was the same Seunghun that you had fallen in love with, and you didn’t think that you had changed, you were the same girl that he said he loved and adored and wanted to spend forever with. There was no lying in his voice, none that you could pick up on at least, so where had it all gone wrong? 

A visit to his dorm, it was something that you always did, something that he always welcomed, you were always invited. He had told you to come over for dinner, it had been planned out a week in advance so that the both of you knew that your schedules would be clear. You had been expected, so you didn’t understand why… 

Why had you walked into the dorm to find all the lights off, which wouldn’t have been a problem if you hadn’t tripped over the shoes that had been so carelessly taken off right in front of the door. With a flick of a lightswitch, you saw that the shoes weren’t his, they weren’t any of the other members either, they were red high heels, clearly not your own, but you wrote it off as another member having someone over. If you had turned back there, would it have made any difference in the grand scheme of things? 

You’d never know though, walking further into the dorm, the emptiness was so obvious, it felt like you were the only person in there. You were quiet, trying to listen for the sound of anything or anyone, and that’s when you heard the low moans coming from the bedroom, a bedroom that you had become all too familiar with. 

The first thought that came to mind was that he was just… watching something, passing the time until you were supposed to show up, unaware that you were already there. It made you giggle quietly, your body vibrating as you walked closer to the door, your hand reaching out for the knob and turning it slowly, not wanting to surprise him too much. 

You wished that you hadn’t, you wished that you would have turned around right then and there, given him the peace that he wanted, at least you wouldn’t have had to walk in on it, walk in on him, you wouldn’t have had to see the undeniable proof. You could have stayed in denial, it most likely would have been better than what you were dealing with right now. 

They weren’t even under the blankets, ballsy, cocky, and arrogant enough to perform on top of the comforter, a show for all those who might have accidentally walked in. You couldn’t even make a sound as you looked at your boyfriend underneath the woman who… who wasn’t you. “Uhm… Who’s that?” The girl whispered, pausing as she looked between you and Seunghun. She didn’t even know about you, which is more likely than the opposite considering you didn’t know about her either. 

His head craned around the woman’s body, his eyes finally landing on you as you stood in the doorframe, and you could only imagine how pathetic you looked with your glossy eyes and your trembling boot lip, your look of shock at what you thought would never happen, could never happen. “It’s… Y/N, hey… I thought… Because you weren’t supposed to be here until… Shit.” He practically pushed the girl off, and amazingly, she had the nerve to look just as insulted as you felt as she landed face up on the mattress beside him. 

“Please don’t… Don’t try to explain… This…” You motioned around the room before stepping back as he scurried off the bed, collecting his pants off the floor and struggling to put them on as he walked over to you. His hand reached out to grab yours, but you quickly swatted it away, shaking your head at him as you backed up against the wall, your knees buckling as you tried to hold yourself up. “Don’t… I don’t want you… I don’t… I need to go…” You stammered, shrinking into yourself as you walked past him, not even wanting to brush against him, the thought of any kind of contact with his body made you physically ill. 

He called after you, his feet following behind you as you made your way to the front door which was thrown open, Byounggon, Jinyoung, Yonghee, and Hyunsuk rushing in, laughing amongst themselves, unaware as to what had just happened, but their laughter shortly faded when they felt the tension in the room. “What’s… What’s going on?” Jinyoung asked, looking between you and Seunghun questionably, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at his hyungs bare torso and your teary eyes. 

“Nothing is going on…” Seunghun muttered, looking at you with eyes full of pleas for you to listen to him, to stay with him. Jinyoung pursed his lips, the suspicion evident on his face, but Byounggon patted his back, shaking his head as if to tell the younger member not to question it right now. “Y/N… Just listen… I-” He cut himself off, running his hands through his hair, becoming more and more stressed as he tried to come up with an excuse for what you had just seen. 

“I’d really rather not.” You stood your ground, not allowing him to get the better half of you, knowing that if you did stay and listen, you could potentially fall foolish to whatever he planned on saying and doing. “Plus, your girlfriend is waiting for you.” You motioned your head over to the doorway where the girl was standing, the blanket wrapped around her body to shield herself from the eyes of all the guys that were now whispering in the living room, most likely figuring out what was really going on. “Don’t call me, don’t text me… You don’t exist to me, and I’d rather not exist to you. Alright?” 

You truly meant it, or at least, you felt like you did. It was like an internal game of tug of war with yourself, and it was hard to figure out which side was really winning. You never thought that he’d hurt you the way he did, but for some reason, your heart was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was only one time, it’s not like he would do it again… But would he? Listening to your heart was foolish, it only made it harder for you to try to forget about him, even after all the pictures and mementos were gone. 

“I love you to the moon and back” His words would repeat in your mind on a loop, it was like they were haunting you, mocking you for believing such a foolish phrase. How far was the moon anyway when it came to love? Shouldn’t it at least be Mars, or maybe Jupiter to show that you were worth the extra distance? It was stupid. What did the moon have to do with it anyway? 

At least he hadn’t tried to get in contact with you, or… Maybe he did, you weren’t really sure considering your phone had been turned off from the second you walked through your front door in a fit of tears. It’s not like you needed to hear from him or read a text with some last minute, strung together excuse or apology that would be his attempt to get you back, you didn’t need it then and you sure as hell didn’t need it now. There was no excuse for what he did, no reason for him to have hurt you the way he did, and so blatantly too. He knew that you were coming over, he knew that he was expecting you… He really assumed that he’d be able to finish and get the girl out before you showed up, and that only made you question it more of how long something like this has been going on and how many times he had done it. 

There was no real reason to question it though, there was no use dwelling on it or trying to figure out what was really going on or the frame of time that it had been happening. The past was just that, it was in the past, and you had seen enough with your own two eyes that you didn’t need any more answers than the ones that had been put right in front of you. There was nothing more for you to do than move on, or at least attempt to begin the process. 

It was easier said than done though, with your trust absolutely gone, you couldn’t even begin to think of moving on with anyone in regards to romance or a relationship, but even going about your daily life seemed to resonate in some shape or form with him. There was a lot that you and Seunghun did together, and those were some of the best days of your life, some of the best memories that you had were with him, it was hard to just give all of those up no matter how hard you tried or how much you wanted to. 

Time is the best medicine, it was something that you had heard before, that time could heal all wounds, time this and time that, but truthfully, there was no truth behind it. The more time that passed, the more you seemed to think of all the time that you could be sharing with him had he not fucked up. Time could maybe help the memories fade, but it could never completely get rid of what you had walked in on, of what you had seen. Time could never heal the wounds that you had gotten from him, so really… Was time the best medicine?

“Come out with us, it’ll be fun, really!” Your friend's attempts at persuasion weren’t the best, but you had sat in your apartment for what felt like eons and you didn’t want to be there anymore, the walls that surrounded you had begun to feel like a prison. “You can get all dressed up and you’ll look super sexy, you’ll find someone who might make you forget about him, at least for the night.” The thought of forgetting, the promise of being free from those memories for even a few short hours had you nodding your head fervently, pushing yourself up off the couch and heading straight for your room with your friends following excitedly behind you. 

“Don’t go overboard or anything, I still want to be recognizable.” You joked, although there was a hint of seriousness thrown in that you hoped your friends would pick up on. The three of them worked diligently over you, trying to cover the bags that had formed under your eyes from sleepless nights spent up crying and sniffling into your pillow, tediously brushing out the knot that had formed in your hair and moisturizing your face so you didn’t look like the zombie that you had felt like for so long. 

Your friend snorted loudly, swiping the blush brush under your nose in an attempt to try to get you to laugh, or at least smile a little as they worked on you. “Honey, everyone will recognize you, they’re gonna recognize how hot you are. You need this, you need some you time, some girl time!” The other girls all agreed, cheering in unison, and while you weren’t the type to get done up like this, you could see that they were trying, and you loved them for it, so you weren’t going to stop them, you’d enjoy the time that you had with them, the only time that it felt like you could really be free from your thoughts. 

You felt like a completely different person when you stepped out of the back of the cab, the other girls scooting out right behind you, and while they all seemed to be used to dressing up this way and going out, you felt like someone else, someone new, and while that should have been scary, it would have been scary, but right now, it was almost empowering. You liked the feeling of being in this… different skin, this new look, and along with it, a new attitude. You were ready to enjoy the night, to walk into the club and just relax, which sounded almost contradictory, but you would finally be able to focus on yourself, on having fun again, and that was all the relaxation that you really needed. 

Walking into the club was like walking into a new world, and it’s not that you hadn’t been out to a club before, it had just been so long, but the music and the smell of alcohol, it was freeing in a way that you couldn’t quite understand yourself. Your feet carried you to the bar and your friends followed behind you, your bodies moving to the rhythm of the music that pulsed through the floorboards beneath your feet. “First rounds on me!” Your friend shouted to you and the girls, trying to be heard over the music, and while neither of you could make out what she was saying, you all simply nodded, continuing to enjoy the music, your bodies rocking and swaying to the beat as you stood against the counter. 

Shot after shot was lined up and tipped back, the liquor strong, but not taking its full effect yet as you all continued to sit on the barstools. “Should we go out on the floor?” You asked, your body beginning to heat up, but you wrote it off to just the body heat of everyone else in the building. Without even waiting for your friends agreement, you got up from the stool, your feet almost giving out beneath you as the alcohol rushed through you at the sudden movement, but you were quick to catch your balance, smoothing down your dress and heading out into the sea of people that were dancing under the flashing lights. 

You weren’t sure where you were going, it was like your feet were moving on their own, bringing you to the center of the floor with everyone surrounding you, and even when you were so enclosed, in such a tight area, you had never felt so free. You wouldn’t have been able to do something like this if you were still in a relationship, your reputation was just as important as Seunghuns when you were together. There was no issue of trust, you didn’t have to worry about getting your feelings hurt, you didn’t have to worry about commitment as you looked through the crowd, finding the first guy there that you could dance with. 

You didn’t care, you just wanted to have fun, you wanted to forget. There were no strings that attached the man to you, and while he was attractive, there was nothing there except your drive to get over everything that had happened to you. The man’s hands held onto your waist as you danced against him, his body moving rhythmically with your own, keeping you close against him as it did. Your hands were held on top of his, keeping them where they were, the alcohol coursing through your system having you in a complete state of bliss as the warmth of the man’s body seeped through your clothes, only heating you up more. 

“We came out to have fun, to get your mind off your own mistake, and you’re still sulking.” Yonghee said, leaning over the table that he, Seunghun, and Byounggon were sitting at. Byounggon had gone to the bar to grab more drinks, but Seunghun continued to sit in the booth, overlooking everyone and everything with a look of disinterest. He wanted no part of it even if he had agreed to go out, he was coming to the realization that it wasn’t as fun and mind clearing as he had hoped it would be. “Look, you guys broke up like… three months ago. You need to get over it, it was your fault anyway.” Seunghuns neck practically snapped as he turned to look at his younger friend who simply shrugged as if what he had said shouldn’t have pissed him off as much. “I’m sure she’s already over it.” 

He didn’t want to hear it, he wanted to hope that you were holding onto the same hope that he was, that things would work out, that with time the relationship would be able to heal and come back together, but it had been three months and he hadn’t heard from you at all. “I made one mistake… I don’t know what happened… But I’ve regretted it every single day. I hurt her, I shouldn’t be having fun… This is bullshit.” Seunghun muttered just as Byounggon came back with the drinks, setting them out on the table in front of everyone before taking his own seat, his face contorted into one of deep thought and awkwardness. 

“You would not believe who’s here right now…” He said, taking a swig of his drink before looking around at the others. It was an open ended question, one that was open for any array of answers that they could come up with, but neither of the guys seemed interested in what he had to say. “Come on… I’ll give you three guesses… If you’re wrong you have to take a sip.” 

Yonghee sighed, shaking his head as he wracked his mind for the answer that Byounggon was potentially looking for. “I don’t know… The girl that Seunghun cheated on Y/N with?” He asked, and Seunghuns annoyance at the answer was palpable, his groan loud enough to be heard over the blasting music. 

Byounggon shook his head, pointing his finger at Yonghee. “No… But you’re close, you’re super close.” He said, waiting for Yonghee to take a sip from his drink before looking at Seunghun who simply shook his head, not wanting to take part in the foolish game that his hyung was playing right now. “Fine, you don’t want to play… Alright. But, she’s here… Y/N’s here. I saw her.” 

That was enough to have him perking up, his back shooting up straight as his eyes darted around the crowded club, trying to find you, and it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. There were so many people, people that he had wanted to avoid this entire time, but now he found himself wanting to swim through them basically just to find you. “Where, where is she?” He asked impatiently, pushing away from the table to try to get a better view of everyone around. 

“Well… Last I seen her…” Byounggon paused, bringing his bottom lip between his teeth, his sudden hesitation causing Seunghun to grow only more irritated and more impatient. “I don’t know man, she probably already left. Her and the guy were getting pretty close and… I…” His mouth snapped shut as he saw Seunghuns expression shift from worried, to blank, to pure anger in a matter of seconds. “You can’t be mad!” Byounggon tried to call after him, but Seunghun had already stormed off, pushing his way through everyone to try to find you. 

“So this is either going to be super bad, or he’ll somehow get her back… I’m banking on really bad though.” Yonghee said, leaning back in his chair as he sipped on his drink, earning himself a look of disbelief from the oldest member. “What? Come on, do you really think this is going to work out in his favor? She couldn’t possibly want to see him again.” Byounggon knew that the younger member was only stating the facts as he saw them, but it didn’t annoy him any less. This was their bandmate, their brother in a sense, and the fact that he was acting so nonchalant about it all was getting under his skin. 

Out on the floor, Seunghun could catch little glimpses of you through the people that seemed to purposely crowd around you the closer he thought he got. Calling out your name proved pointless with the sound of the music that deafened him and most certainly everyone else on the floor. With each little glimpse that he got of you though, it felt like his blood would simmer more and more, and he knew very well that he had no right to feel the anger that he was at the moment, but it didn’t change the fact that in his mind, you were still his, and the sight of any other man around you had him wanting to rip his hair out. 

“Y/N!” He called out once more when he felt like you were within arms reach, and he knew that you could hear him with the way your eyes flickered up in his direction only to turn away once more. “Son of a-....” He didn’t finish his sentence, but his nostrils flared with rage. You hadn’t given him the opportunity to explain himself, and while there wasn’t much to really explain that would make what he did acceptable, the least you could have done was hear him out. “Hey!” He shouted once he was in front of you, loathing the way your body seemed to mesh with the man behind you, not just that, but it was bile inducing the way the man’s hands seemed to carelessly roam around your body as if you were his to touch. 

“What… What are youuu doing here…? Huh?” You weakly sassed him, your speech slurring and your body wobbling from your obvious drunkenness. A pang of worry and guilt flitted through Seunghun as he looked at you, knowing that you were absolutely oblivious to what you were truly doing and he knew that the alcohol that you ingested was most likely just the chaser to the pain that he had caused you. “Shouldn’t you…” You hiccuped mid sentence, giggling lightly at the sound of it, and the man behind you laughed as well as he nuzzled his nose into your neck, the way you tilted your head to allow him to do it had Seunghuns stomach churning with anger and jealousy. “Mmn… Shouldn’t you be… Home… Banging your girlfriend or something.” You mumbled, an emotionless snicker escaping you after you had said it, your face completely devoid of emotion as well. 

You had been hurt, and he knew that it was his fault, but it hadn’t been planned, he never wanted to hurt you, and he surely didn’t want to see you get hurt by doing something foolish and he felt like something like that would happen if you stayed where you were at, if he walked away from you right now. That’s why, as much you hated him, as much as you wanted him to leave you alone, he just couldn’t, so he grabbed your wrist and started dragging you towards the edge of the crowd. The man that you had been dancing with called after you once, but no more after the initial pull away. Once you were out of the man’s sight, it was like you didn’t exist anymore. If you had been sober, the thought alone would have been upsetting, but you were too intoxicated to care.

“What were you thinking? You don’t know that guy, you don’t know any of these people here. What if something had happened to you?” He sternly questioned you, his face so close to yours that you could feel the heat of his breath hit your face with every word he spoke. The closeness was excruciating because the last time you had been this close to him his arms had been around you, merely seconds away from your lips crashing against one anothers, but now he was angry, no, scratch that, furious at your carelessness. “Who are you even here with? Don’t tell me you came alone, you can’t be that reckless. Tell me you’re not that reckless.” There was an edge to his voice that even your fuzzy mind could pick up on, but you could only scoff in response, the warmth in your stomach giving you an edge of your own. 

You rolled your eyes, taking a step away from him as you shook your head, your eyes glancing around the room that seemed to have a haze around the edges, although you were sure that was just your drunken visibility diminishing. “Don’t act like you care now, Seunghun… You never cared. You looove me to the moon and back? Huh? Well… Fuck you… And your lies… And your stuuupid moon.” He couldn’t tell if your eyes were glassy because of the drinks or if you were on the verge of crying, but in a second, the first tear fell, smudging the little bit of mascara that had coated your bottom lashes. “I never want to see you again.” 

Your voice didn’t slur, it was the most composed thing you had said to him that night, it was as if you had sobered up completely just to hit him with the words he didn’t want to hear. “You don’t understand… It was a mistake… Y/N, believe me. She was part of the staff and… She came over, I don’t know what happened… I just know that… I-” His voice broke, the air hitching in his throat and his chest shaking with the breath he was trying to take. “I did it… But… It meant nothing… I swear to you, you’re the only person I love, the only girl I want to be with… Believe me.” 

With narrowed eyes, you looked at him, studied him as if he were some sort of foreign object that you were trying to understand, and a part of that was true. You were trying to understand him, trying to understand how he can still so blatantly claim he loved you after what he had done. It was like his words had evaporated any trace of alcohol that was left in your system, and you wanted nothing more than to run back over to the bar to grab another one just to ease the pain that you were beginning to feel once again. 

“That’s a shit excuse, Seunghun and you know it.” You mumbled, keeping your eyes from landing on him, not wanting to see the distraught look on his face as he continued to listen intently to you. “Does that mean I should be able to fuck everyone at work just because I’m close to them? I’ll just invite them over and let them rail me and then go to you and say ‘Sorry, didn’t mean it, try to understand’...” His head shook fervently, both denying and trying to shake the thought of anyone other than him being able to love you the way only he does. “But you would have never had to worry about that anyway… And I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about it either… I was wrong… I guess we were both wrong.” 

His mouth opened and closed but no sound escaped, he looked like a fish out of water, gasping for air, trying to hold on to something that he was losing his grip on, he was trying to hold onto you. “No, no, I was wrong. I was wrong, Y/N. You are perfect, you’re amazing and you’re beautiful and… I messed that up. I messed everything up, but I want to try to fix things, I want to get us back because I feel like we can. We can start over, we can fix this… You know that I love you… You’re all that I want…” 

The look in his eyes screamed that he was genuine, but he was also desperate, desperate to get back the one thing that had given him happiness in his life. He needed you, he needed you more than anything because you were everything to him. The entire world could fall apart around him, but he’d still find a reason to smile if you were on his doorstep, the center of the crumbling scene behind you. 

One step closer, his eyes glanced down to look at your feet just to make sure he wasn’t imagining the closing space between the two of you, but he saw the toes of your shoes against his own, the closest the two of you had been in what felt like forever. Leaning in, your lips closer than ever to his, it was like he could feel them brush against his own if you had started talking, and you did, and he did, he could feel it, he could feel them. “No…” Was all you said, and that word, that two letter word that most would brush off felt so heavy, so crushing that he could fall to his knees and be swallowed up by the floor beneath him. Your lips pressed against his once, and he could feel it, a goodbye that held more meaning than the words themselves could carry. “I love… I loved… You…” You were having trouble finding the words to say, especially with the way he was looking at you, his bottom lip trembling, the gloss that you had left behind on his lips shakily reflecting the lights of them. “There’s nothing to fix, I’m over it… I can’t trust you… I don’t want to put myself in the position of being hurt again if I tried to trust you… So please… Just stop…” 

The world was falling, crashing and burning in a universe that was filled with other planets that seemed to be doing fine. Maybe it wasn’t the world that was falling, maybe it was just his. Everything that he had built his entire life around, the thought of being with you forever was a dream he had held onto for what felt like a lifetime, and now it felt like nothing more than a silly wish that a kid would make while blowing out candles on a birthday cake. It’s not that someone had taken his dreams away, if that were the case he could have been angry, he would have been angry, but the only person he had to blame was himself. He had trashed everything just for a moment of lust, fueled by the cheap wine that he and the staff member had picked up on the way back to the dorms. He didn’t even know why he had done it. He would never really know why, but he did know the outcome of it, he knew that once you walked away from him it would be the last time you would and he could only hate himself for what he had caused. 

#kpop #kpopfanfic #kpopimagine #kpopscenarios #kpopheadcanons #kpopfic #cix #cixxreader #cixxyou #cixfanfic #cixfic #cixheadcanons #ciximagines #cixscenarios #kimseunghun #cixseunghun #seunghun x reader #cix angst #seunghun headcanons #seunghun scenarios #seunghun reactions #seunghun drabbles #seunghun oneshot

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HYUNSUK

✒ burn in love 🌪

angel!Hyunsuk x reader/you

Do you know how the moth is attracted to the light despite the possibility of getting burnt? That’s how you and Hyunsuk were.

JINYOUNG

✒ never forever 🌪

prince!Jinyoung x female court lady!reader/you

Just as much as you would have liked to delude yourself into thinking that you could have anything together with prince Jinyoung, it would be simply impossible as long as you were a servant and he was a prince. Which meant that you could never do so.

✒ back to life  🌪 ♥

high school senior!Jinyoung x female reader/you

Jinyoung didn’t deserve to be believed, being misunderstood was his punishment for not being able to help his friend when he would have needed it. He felt like he could have a redemption only if he finished school without anyone talking to him, so why… why did you want to see him when he wanted to be invisible?

SEUNGHUN

✒ one to let go, one to hold on ☀ 🌪 ♥

dance partner!Seunghun x female!reader/you

If dancing was a language, you and Seunghun would speak the same one.

✒ you’re my fireflower ☀ ♦

soldier!Seunghun x female!reader/you

As a medic, you would have never let an unconscious, bleeding boy die in front of you, but by saving him, you actually tie yourself to him for life.

YONGHEE

✒ spoonful of love ☀

boyfriend!Yonghee x female!reader/you

What’s sweeter than a sweet boyfriend? Having ice cream on a hot day with a sweet boyfriend, and realising just how lovely and fun it is to live with him despite little mishaps.

#cix #cix x reader #cix masterlist #cix x you #cix scenarios #cix imagines #cix fanfic #cix au #cix ff #cix fluff #cix angst

[dat-town]

in your eyes, i see another me

Characters: Byounggon & female reader

Setting & genre: angst, hurt/comfort, set in the world of Save Me Kill Me MV

Summary: After 6 years, you come back to Korea and take your sister's place. You discover more secrets than you would have ever thought so. Maybe you didn’t know her as well as you believed.

Warnings: mentions of suicide (Yonghee's), attempted suicide (minor character), bullying, parents' divorce and neglectful behaviour (MC's), deceased parents (not MC's), academic pressure, depression (not MC’s), anti-depressant pills, invasion of privacy (between siblings), arson, theft ‒ if any of these topics are triggering for you, please don’t interact with the fic. if you would like to know what to expect under any warning beforehand, feel free to send me an ask

International suicide hotline: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Words: 11.9k

Author’s note: Heavily inspired by the CIX story films and Save Me Kill Me MV, so the boys' characters resemble that more than their idol personality. The story takes place in the next school term, which I decided to make the senior year, after the MV's events. According to this, Yonghee's character never wakes up, so this is partly about the aftermath, sorry. Furthermore, the reader’s arc was inspired by the Thai drama called Not Me. No need to know it in order to understand the story but if you do, know that I took the twin thing and ran with it.

Title taken from Ateez’s Dazzling Light.

For @restlessmaknae, sorry for the angst (again) <3 (also it was actually hard to choose a guy for this story because you are soft for all of them but the mv and @lily-blue helped)

You used to have this game with your sister: you switched places and waited how long it took for people to figure it out.

Being identical twins, you looked pretty much the same. Even if your behavior had a stark contrast – where she was sharp and brave, you were timid and careful –, you could deceive people easily. Sometimes even when you looked into the mirror you used to be unsure whether the one you saw was her or you. It was in a way a frail attempt of trying to remember her, trying to imagine how she grew up while you were separated.

The divorce was ugly. Lots of yelling and plate breaking. It was better this way but you didn't expect losing half your family, too. You moved to London with your mom and Jieun stayed in Seoul with your dad, cutting off all contact. You were twelve then.

Eighteen when Jieun jumped from a bridge.

It was the first time you heard your father's voice in the last six years. It was also the first time since their divorce that you heard your mother cry. The next day after the call the two of you got on a plane and within 48 hours, you were back in Korea, back in your childhood room that now had more makeup than teddy bears. Jieun never liked soft things anyway.

She was always tough in your memories yet she looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, tied to machines, unconscious. You couldn't help but wonder about the reasons. Why would she do such a thing? You had a fairly wealthy family and she was said to be a good student. What could possibly make her do it, to give it all up? You had no idea and it frustrated you to no end. It was like you didn't even know your sister and sadly, it was exactly the case. That last six years put the world between you.

It was an impulse decision, such a Jieun thing to do, when you visited a hairdresser and had your long hair cut shoulder-length like hers with bangs you had never had since you were fourteen. You also went to get your ears pierced and put in one pair of her earrings. You looked the same once again. Your mom almost fainted when she saw what you did. But at least you felt closer to Jieun somehow.

The questions kept you up all night even if you knew you wouldn't get your answers staring at the ceiling of her room. You went through her drawers first then her phone. She had an unanswered call from a boy named Seunghun from the night she had jumped. And a bunch of photos with a group of boys, all wearing the same school uniform as hers. You stared at Jieun's untouched school clothes hanging from her wardrobe door and made your decision.

So far in your senior year, your school in England let you take the classes and tests online, not real time though due to the time zone difference, so you were mostly at home while your parents were either at work or in the hospital. You didn't think they would even notice you leaving. So the next day, you put on Jieun's uniform and name tag, then left for her school.

Korean high school life was both the same and very different from the UK one at the same time. You tried your best blending in. Even more so because you knew that your parents didn't want to shout out to the world what had happened, so the school only knew that Jieun was on sick leave. Divorced parents was enough of a stain on the perfect family picture but a daughter with suicide attempt would have been worse. You thought it was ridiculous, that they were still so afraid of losing face when their daughter was in coma due to the head injury she had. But their arrogance came in handy to you because this way nobody was too shocked to see Jieun – you – back at school so quickly.

"Jieun-ah!" Came the voice from behind and you were so lost in your thoughts, trying hard to not look like a sore thumb sticking out as you were looking for the classroom of 3–2 class, that you forgot that you should have reacted to your sister's name like you did to yours. The boy didn't take it to heart though, he came up to you from behind and threw an arm over your shoulder which made you flinch but he didn't seem to notice that as he smiled down at you brightly under his fluffy hair hanging into his eyes. "Hey, are you feeling better now? Mr. Lee said you were sick but you didn't reply in the groupchat."

Oh the dozens of unread messages on Jieun's phone? You couldn't make yourself read them, not yet. It probably would have been wiser to do so before you walked into the school wearing her name tag but strangely, out of all the things you did, reading over her private messages would have felt the most like invading her privacy.

"Ah, I'm good but my phone seems to be acting up, I need to take it to the service," you lied but tried to make it sound natural and casual but you had a feeling that you sounded a bit nervous. Gosh, Jieun would have never. Hopefully it could be written off as her being sick for a while.

"Oh, okay. I just got worried when I called you and you didn't answer. After what happened with Yonghee last year…" he trailed off and you used his momentary distraction to glance down at his name tag. Kim Seunghun indeed. So he was the one who called Jieun on that day and since he said he was worried, they must have been close.

You had no idea what had happened with that so-called Yonghee though but you couldn't ask about that. It seemed important to Seunghun and you were sure Jieun would have known about it. You made a mental note to look into it but first you had a class and you still didn't find the right classroom.

"Did I miss a lot?" You asked vaguely enough, so the boy could interpret it as in studies or in the previously mentioned group chat too.

"Not really but you should ask Hyunsuk or Byeol for notes if you want them. We all will meet after classes anyways," Seunghun hummed and still with his arm's weight around you, he guided you through the corridors, chatting your ears off about this new choreography his dance class was learning. Huh, pretending to be your sister seemed easier than you thought.

The Korean education system was stricter than the British one you got accustomed to but the hardest part of it was the language. The sinus-cosinus definition wasn't really part of your native language vocabulary that you used with your mom while being abroad. The teacher wasn’t so supportive either, you got reprimanded for not catching up quick enough after your sick leave. Jeez, did they think you were machines, all fine after rebooting? You clenched your hand into a fist, suppressing the urge to yell at her that Jieun was in a freaking coma because she had tried to take her own life and the homework was all she cared about? You had been brought close to tears just by the reminder of what happened to your sister but nobody cared. The teacher called out another student’s name and you cast your eyes down, feeling the weight of Seunghun’s worried gaze on you. He didn’t say anything even if he thought that you were acting out of character.

“Jieun-ah! I’m so glad you’re back,” Thin arms embraced you tighter than you would have expected from them when you got up from your desk after the torturous Maths class. You peeked down at the petite girl with long hair and reserved smile as she stepped back. Behind her stood the tallest boy of the class, a lopsided smile playing on his lips shyly. “I should have sent you the schoolwork material but you went MIA and we didn’t know when you would be back.”

“Her phone broke,” Seunghun piped in as he slid to sit on your – Jieun's – desk, the casual familiarity of the action making your thoughts run wild. Jieun seemed to have close, good friends yet none of them seemed to be aware of her struggles. Just what exactly was she going through?

Hyunsuk and Byeol were a funny couple. You weren’t sure they were official per se but they were practically attached by the hip and while they weren’t touchy or anything like that, the boy looked at the girl as if she hung the stars and all. He even gave her his strawberries from his tray during lunch break claiming that he didn’t crave anything sweet at that moment. Byeol was less obvious but she looked overly fondly at him whenever he did something slightly embarrassing or said something funny. It was cute.

The rest of the school day wasn't too interesting but after meeting the couple and also sharing lunch period with them, you wondered who else Seunghun meant when he had said that you would meet the others after school. You thought back on the group picture you saw on your sister's phone. They all wore the same uniform, so they must have gone to this school too but not all of them were in this class apparently because you haven't seen other familiar faces yet. You packed your bag slowly, following Seunghun's lead when the group left the classroom after your last History class for the day. When you ended up in front of the door of the Film Club, you were rather surprised because you had no idea Jieun was into movies. Maybe you would have expected more movie posters in her room than indie punk rock band merch then. Just how much you didn't know about her?

Seunghun opened the door and acknowledged the presence of somebody inside with a nod. You gulped as you stepped inside, trying not to be too obvious about never having been at that place by looking around too much. It was a cozy little space but your gaze settled on the boy sitting on the worn couch. His uniform's necktie was loosened but his name tag was still neatly attached, so you could catch his name. Bae Jinyoung.

At your arrival the boy looked up from his phone, his expression stern and neutral, his gaze lingering on you longer than the rest of the guys before turning back to whatever he was doing before. You glanced down at his hand holding the device, at his knuckles that were scarred and red. You soon learned though that he wasn't the most troublesome-looking member of your current company. The winner of that title came in late, wearing a black hoodie instead of his uniform jacket, clicking a lighter in his hand, his dark gaze unwavering when he saw you.

"Ran out of eyeliner today or what?" He scoffed and needless to say, you were shocked by his first words at you. Did he know? That you weren't Jieun? Just because of your makeup?

"Not your business," you rolled your eyes at him, trying to channel your inner savage based on your father's descriptions on your sister's 'rebellious phrase' and it was probably believable and Jieun-like enough that the boy just plopped down by the coffee table, leaning against a shelf without saying anything more.

Who the heck was he anyways? Maybe you really should have read over your sister's chat history to know how to act with all these people. You only guessed how Jieun was now based on what you remembered  from 6 years ago and what your father said about her behavior from before the incident. Hopefully she didn't have any secret boyfriend you should have known about because you didn't even consider that possibility. You didn't wish to deceive somebody so close to her. In retrospect, it might have been a crazy idea to even try to figure out what had happened to her by being literally in her shoes instead of asking around about her but people tended to be wary of strangers, and you didn't want to waste your time with gaining others' trust.

"Gunhee and his minions still bother the freshmen. I saw them pour the contents of a lunch tray on one of them yesterday. I guess we need something more memorable than destroying their property that can be bought with daddy's money. Any ideas?" Seunghun started off and you tried to school your expression into a less confused one than how you felt. Wait, wasn't it a film club?

"I say we should hit them where it hurts them. Especially Gunhee. He's their leader, without him, Botong and Woobin wouldn't do anything," Jinyoung noted and everybody hummed in agreement. You obviously had no idea whom they were talking about.

"What about taking Gunhee's expensive Swiss or whatever watch? He's so proud of it," the boy whose name you didn't know grimaced in disgust and this time you couldn't stop yourself from speaking up.

"But that's theft."

The boy's sharp, dark eyes laser focused on you. But not only his. You could feel everybody's gaze on you.

"I'm aware, Miss Dictionary," the guy in the hoodie rolled his eyes, his tone condemning. "What? Pouring bleach on Wonhee's hair was okay but theft is suddenly not?"

Oh that sounded like an accusation. Did Jieun really do that? Either way you raised your chin and stood by your standpoint.

"Theft is illegal and if they are rich enough, they can get you into serious trouble. Expelling you from school is the least," you tried to talk some sense into the guy and looked around to see if anybody would support your point but you could only catch a glance of Hyunsuk and Byeol exchanging a glance.

"If they know that it was me. We never got caught before," the boy kept going and the realization that they were doing things like this for quite some time based on his words messed with your head. Just what kind of friends had your sister gotten herself? Just what kind of things had  she done that led her to jump into the cold water of Han river?

"I'm just saying it's too risky and has a low impact. Even if it's a fancy watch, he can probably get another after a slap from his father," you claimed because you might not have known these students but bullies and rich kids were the same everywhere.

"Do you have a better idea then?" The rude guy challenged you and shit, you didn't think that ahead. Or at all.

"Byounggon…" Seunghun put a hand on his friend's shoulder. Probably he could feel the tension in the air too and bless him, he wanted to help. "She's right. It's nothing we didn't do before."

"Let's catch them in the act. Record it and send it in to the school committee," you suggested but of course, the other boy was quick to call you out on your naivety.

"You know that wouldn't change a bit. They would bury the case. Gunhee's father is an honorable donor to the school's trust fund.

"Then let's humiliate them in public. Post the video online. They couldn't bury that," you retorted, sliding your gaze from one boy to another when the so-called Byounggon didn't object.

"I like it," Byeol broke the silence quietly and apparently being a petty loser when it came to arguments, the hoodied guy pushed himself off the ground and stormed out of the room.

"Don't worry about him. He will cool down soon," Hyunsuk said seeing your dumbfounded reaction and you wondered if every meeting was like this for them. What kind of club was this exactly? Revenge Rangers of what?

After the adrupt leave of the guy, the others discussed where would be the best idea to catch the bullies red handed but you only paid attention partly. Your mind was too busy processing all the information about Jieun's friends. No wonder Seunghun, who seemed to be the closest to her, noticed that something was up with you.

"You were quiet today," he spoke up, not accusatory, just kind of worried, as you walked out of the building, backpack on one shoulder. Funny because you didn't feel like you were quiet at all, you had never been so argumantive. Was it an every day thing for Jieun?

You couldn't look the boy in the eye as you shrugged it off.

"I still feel a bit off," you quickly made up a lie, hoping that it was believable enough and luckily the boy didn't stick to the topic.

"I will walk you to the bus stop," he said instead and you were grateful for his consideration even though you knew it wasn't directed at you. Nothing they did was, it was all for Jieun.

You were doing everything for her too.

As expected, your parents were too busy to notice that you slipped away during the day and even if they did, they didn't ask about it. The deeper you dug into Jieun's life, the more you felt like you didn't even know her. Sure 6 years was a lot but still. Even the rude guy was right. Based on her pictures, Jieun liked to apply a thicker eyeliner with dark smokey eyeshadow lightly enough to get away with the school policy probably. So you adjusted.

You also caught up a bit on her recent messages with the group, trying to find something, any clue about what she could struggle with and to not give yourself away. Seunghun seemed like a constant in her life, they texted a lot, him always checking in on her. She also talked a lot to Byeol and Hyunsuk. Her last conversation with Byounggon was months ago, him asking where the hell she was but it was left on read. While searching for Jinyoung's contact in the app, you stumbled upon Jieun's conversation with Yonghee dated back late last year, her frantic last messages still unread.

can we talk? yonghee please i'm sorry

It took a simple search on the school website to figure out that Yonghee was a boy in Jinyoung's class. Or used to be. The tragic news of his suicide were more hidden as if the school or somebody tried to cover it up. Yonghee's father was a political figure, so it must have been a sensitive topic. Could that be the reason behind his actions? Could it be behind Jieun's?

You knew that academic pressure was intense in Korea but it must have been even more overbearing if one was born into a family of high esteem, since they couldn't allow themselves to lose face after all. On top of that, was Yonghee bullied too? The others had never said anything but they seemed to be very pissed at bullies, it would have made sense, doing this revenge plot. Yonghee seemed happy in the videos you found after all. But it was easy to only see only one side of the story when somebody was trying to hide the other.

The next time you met Byounggon, he acted like he was looking for trouble.

You were by the standees next to the school's basketball field, texting your mom about going home late because you needed to check something out in a local library for homework. You didn't think anybody would be around there but apparently you were wrong.

“What do you need two phones for?” The guy grumbled at you, hopping down next to you on the bench, eyeing the iPhone in your hands as if it personally offended him. At first you wanted to tell him that he remembered wrong, you only had one phone but it would have been a hard pass because he could have asked any of the guys who had seen you use Jieun's Samsung even that day.

“My phone has been acting up lately, remember? This is my backup,” you tried to make it sound convincing but it didn't matter. The guy still crunched his nose in disgust.

“Rich people things,” he muttered under his nose, disdaining and you wondered whether he was like this to your sister, too. Based on their scarce messaging, probably. What was his problem anyway?

“Why does it matter to you?” You huffed, not really getting why he had to make these kinds of comments. For real, did he walk up to you just to point out your phone?

“It doesn't,” he rolled his eyes, sliding backwards to balance himself on his elbows, looking up at the sky before closing his eyes. You used this chance to let your gaze linger over his always stern features and his black hair brushed out of his face. That day he didn't wear his hoodie, but his tie was loosened and his uniform was crumpled.

“Don't you have class?” You blurted out and the guy peeked at you, narrowing his eyes.

“I could ask the same.”

Well, he could. You would have had PE but you managed to get away with claiming you weren't feeling well and the teacher sent you to the infirmary. You needed time to work on your Literature essay for your home school back in the UK before you failed because you spent too much time digging into your sister's life.

“I wasn't feeling well. I guess the teacher didn't want me to faint during running laps,” you shrugged, getting better at lying. It wasn't a skill you should have been proud of but maybe Jieun would have been. Not that she would have been too happy about discovering that you pretended to be her. But you would have cared about that when she woke up. You would have taken any scolding happily if that happened. When, you reminded yourself, not if. “What's your excuse?”

“I'm just not feeling like it.”

So he was skipping class too. You wondered how often he did. Whether he didn't care about acing the CSATs and getting into a good university at all. Or maybe he just gave up, knowing he couldn't afford tuition and that's why he hated rich people so vehemently.

The next thing you went through among Jieun's things were her wardrobe's hidden or stacked compartments. That's how you found the bottle of pills labeled neatly, half-empty.

"Did you know that Jieun took anti-depressants?" You brought it up at the already awkward family dinner that night, the silence following your words was astonished.

"What? That's ridiculous," your father scoffed but it wasn't laughable in your opinion. Nor something that should have been brushed off. Especially because you knew that mental health wasn't an as accepted topic in Korea as in the UK.

So you looked up the doctor who prescribed the pills and booked a session under your sister's name. She welcomed you with a kind smile and understanding eyes, she asked how you were coping. It wasn't even a lie when you told her that everything was a bit too much.

"Did you think about what I asked last time? What do you have to live for?" She asked and you felt your heart churn. Maybe Jieun really had had enough.

It was an interesting session: trying to act and think like your sister while answering deep, thought-provoking questions about things you had no idea of. At one point you wanted nothing more than to cry and admit what you were doing and why or how worried you were about Jieun but in the end, it still felt like it helped. Talking to somebody about Jieun's situation, even if you didn't get to know much more about it.

But when you were about to leave, the psychologist called after you.

"Is Jieun okay?" She asked, firm but not unkind, no malice or anger in her voice.

"Did you…" You blinked, surprised, but it made sense. If she was good at her job, she must have seen the differences in your mannerism and reactions. You wondered when she realized you weren't your sister.

"She told me about you, you know. She missed you," the psychologist said and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

"I missed her too," you admitted, a little fragile sound in the back of your throat. "She jumped from the Mapo Bridge two weeks ago, she's in hospital."

Saying it out loud made it so real and yet, it felt somehow deliberating that somebody other than your parents knew who you really were. That you could talk about Jieun with somebody like this.

"Did she really want to die?" You found yourself asking, a part of you afraid of the answer.

"She felt guilty for a lot of things. She wasn't as strong as she made herself seem but she didn't want her friends and family to know," the woman said in an understanding, emphatic tone and you wondered just how many things Jieun was hiding.

You thought you would feel closer to her if you went to Mapo, but you only had more questions. Standing by the railing of the bridge, you watched as the waves washed the shore quietly. On the way, you had walked by an emergency phone booth for people thinking of suicide and you wondered why your sister hadn't reached out. Why didn't she tell anybody that she had been struggling? The psychologist's words rang in your ear: she didn't want them to know. But still, why jumping? She had those prescribed pills, she could have painlessly overdosed herself if she really wanted to, why this? Did she want to give herself a chance to survive? Or was it just a sudden decision? Was it because of Yonghee? You thought of her last texts to him. Was she feeling guilty towards him too?

There was another thing that the psychologist said that made you think. Was the reason why she could tell the difference between you that she knew that Jieun had a twin sister to begin with? Maybe pretending to be her was only easy at school because nobody knew about you? Who would have guessed after all that you were a secret twin just because you acted a bit differently? Not even the teachers nagged you about the change in your test results. You aced English but sucked at Korean Literature and History. Everything else was mostly okay because science and Maths couldn't really have been taught differently. It was only temporary, you told yourself, it wasn't like you were going to take the CSATs instead of Jieun too.

Not how you took her place in this group of hers. The Film Club was just an excuse to get together because the closest you got to anything relevant was Jinyoung showing a recording through his phone's cracked screen about one student shoving others out of his way. It was shaky and taken from farther away but it showed just enough to know where it was taken and what was happening. Still, you knew that this much wouldn't do much. Gunhee's behavior would have been written off as rude but not as a bully.

"It won't be enough to convince people," you murmured and even though everybody must have known that, you were the scapegoat for saying it out loud.

"What? You want us to film when he kicks and hits kids for fun and do nothing just to have video evidence?" Byounggon snapped at you, his face distorted with disdain. As you glanced at him you saw something else there too though: guilt.

“Well, it's not like we would find any CCTV recordings now, would we?” You asked, keeping eye contact with him. Of course, you didn’t want any of you to just be bystanders and watch bullying happen, but you wanted to stay realistic and you knew that in a world where money and power talked, something like this wouldn’t have been enough, it would have gotten buried.

"And whose idea was the whole thing to begin with?" The guy retorted and seriously, you had no idea whether he had a problem with your sister, you or the whole world but his snarky comments bugged you.

"Wait…" Jinyoung interrupted, louder than he usually did, before you could have spoken up and potentially escalated the situation. Everybody turned to the boy because it was rare that he spoke with such vehemence and urgency. "Their phones… I had seen them record things before."

You felt dread spread in your body as you imagined just what kind of videos those could be. You watched Jinyoung closely, the way his hands were in fists, knuckles turning white and wondered, just what he could have seen.

The others were shaken up a bit as well.

“I’m sure they are sharing it in their disgusting group chat,” Byeol muttered.

“That’s messed up,” her boyfriend agreed but it was Seunghun who eventually threw in the idea:

“So… are we stealing a phone?”

Yep, you were planning to steal a phone. If only your parents knew what you were up to! If Jieun knew…

It was easier said than done because it wasn’t enough to take a phone. You needed it unlocked and preferably without anybody noticing that it was gone at least for a while, so you would get away with it the easiest. But Gunhee and his minions were going everywhere like a pack, it was hard to find them alone and unsuspecting, so you were over some unsuccessful attempts when the guys started to get restless and annoyed. You were afraid that one of them would do something rash and stupid, so you told them you would approach this thing differently. The bullies might not have trusted you knowing whom you were friends with and how vocal they and Jieun had been against them but boys were boys at the end of the day and if you implied that you liked them, their pride might have overshadowed their judgment. You just needed to ask to exchange numbers or KKT contact after all to have their phone in your hands, easy peasy. But Byounggon called your plan stupid and Seunghun looked at you with worry written all over his features as if they hadn’t put themselves in the crossfire with their previous attempts. Like Jinyoung who almost got into detention because of it.

"Is he… okay?" You asked later when it was just the two of you with Seunghun, tentatively.

Jinyoung clearly wasn't okay but you didn't know how to phrase it better. The dancer boy seemed to understand it though.

"Not really. Not since what happened with Yonghee," he said and despite still not knowing what exactly happened to their friend, it would have been too suspicious to ask now.

It was already too late to reveal the truth without burning the bridges behind you. But the more and more time you spent with them, the more guilty you felt whenever you lied to them. Like when you told Seunghun you didn’t take your usual bus because you headed in a different direction for your dental check up when in reality you went to visit Jieun.

You sat by her bed and held her hand. You whispered promises like that you wouldn’t mind if her friends hated you after they found out about the truth or even if she wouldn’t forgive you, you wouldn’t care if only she woke up. You had missed 6 years already, you didn’t want to miss more. You wanted to be there for her, so she wouldn’t feel so alone ever again to feel like she didn’t have any other choice but jump. You promised you would go against your parents if they wanted to separate you once again. You wouldn’t leave her alone, not again.

You stayed in the hospital until a nurse kindly sent you away and even then you weren’t ready to go home yet. There were days when it hit you that a tragedy (an almost tragedy) had to happen, so you would come back and it just didn’t feel right, without Jieun at the dinner table.

It was while you wandered around the neighborhood when you heard the angry yelling, a man threatening to call the cops and the next moment you saw a flash of somebody run past you and it was only because you had spent so much time around him lately that you recognized him in his signature hoodie over his school uniform right away. You didn’t really think, you didn’t really have the time, you acted on impulse as you ran after him and catching up, you grabbed him by the wrist to pull him into the first 24/7 corner convenience store you saw.

Panting, you crouched down behind one of the shelves before getting a good look at Byounggon’s bruised face.

“Just what have you been getting yourself into?” You questioned but probably your worry came across as an accusation because the boy’s only answer was to yank his arm out of your hold and sit down on the ground with his back to the fridge on the other side.

No matter how hard you watched him, you couldn’t tell if he was more angry, annoyed or embarrassed, so you decided not to push the topic. Sighing, you got up, made sure nobody was looking outside of the store's glass walls before picking up two cups of noodles, sausage, cheese and hard boiled eggs and went to the counter to pay.

Without saying anything you dropped a few items into Byounggon’s lap when you were done and walked to the dining-in part of the store to pour hot water over your noodles and started packing out at one of the plastic tables. Soon enough, the grumpy guy joined you as well, sitting across from you, putting down his own steaming cup of ramen.

“Did you cry?” He grunted out and you had the urge to laugh because if this was his idea of small talk or thank you, he was doing it wrongly. But still, since he noticed your puffy eyes, you automatically reached to wipe down any possible remnants of tears.

“No,” you objected poorly, not liking to cry in front of anybody.

Byounggon didn't call you out on your bullshit though, just shrugged and muttered something under his breath about you looking okay without the eyeliner too. You huffed out a laugh at the absurdity of his comment but felt a bit lighter after.

Clearly, you both had things you didn’t want to talk about, so you didn’t exchange any words while you waited for your noodles to soften and even then, when you both dived into the spicy hot late night meal of yours, chit-chatting wasn’t really among your plans. There was enough casual intimacy in sharing a meal. But the moment you slurped on your ramen, the flavourful taste startled you which obviously didn't go unnoticed by the boy.

"What? Does it not appease your rich taste?" He huffed but you were too baffled by the amazing taste to take offense in his tone.

"No, god, I missed convenience store food!" You admitted excitedly like a child, diving back into your instant ramen with the melted cheese and egg on top. Your mom never let you eat this kind of ‘junk food’, so it felt a bit like rebellion doing something like this behind her back but thinking about it, lately you had done worse things she wouldn't have been proud of.

Byounggon seemed a bit surprised but he didn’t make any more comments and continued eating instead but you didn’t forget his comment while devouring your new favorite guilty pleasure.

"Why are you so obsessed with my family's financial background anyway?"

"I'm not obsessed," the guy rolled his eyes and bit some off his sausage.

"Sure, you just like to point it out whenever you have a chance,” you reminded him and even though you knew that you didn’t owe him anything, you had enough of him acting like you were some spoiled princess. Sure, your family might have been privileged because you didn’t struggle financially but money couldn’t solve everything. “You know that I can't change that, right? What family I was born into. And it's not like it's picture perfect. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and I haven't seen my sister in 6 years, so whatever idea you have about it, it's not like that," you blurted out a bit more vehemently than you intended to before turning back to your food.

"I didn't know you had a sibling," he said, quietly. Out of all things he could comment on he chose this. But this confirmed your theory: the reason why Jieun’s friend didn’t even suspect you must have been because they didn’t even know you existed.

"Yeah, well, sometimes it feels like I don't," you muttered, casting your eyes down as you went back to slurp your noodle.

You weren’t sure what but something shifted between you and Byounggon after that night. He wasn’t so quick to make comments on you or your ideas but it didn’t mean that he didn’t nose into your business. If anything, suddenly he was everywhere.

You usually ate at the canteen with Seunghun, Hyunsuk and Byeol, sometimes joined by Jinyoung but never Byounggon. Now he put his tray at the end of your table more often than not. Even Seunghun notices that you didn’t argue that much.

“You know, you got somehow less reckless. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. You and Byounggon were always like fire and gasoline, a dangerous duo, always overbidding each other with crazy ideas. Now, it's almost like you can control his flamboyance with rationality," he told you and even though you didn’t feel like you could control the other guy at all, it was an interesting insight.

Was Jieun really like that? So hot-headed? Was that why Seunghun was constantly worried about her or was that because he knew that she put up a front? It was clear that he was the closest to Jieun of the group but you couldn’t be sure just how close. The boy had never implied that they were ever more than friends nor acted suggestively at all but still, sometimes when he looked at you ‒ at Jieun ‒ you couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to know.

But your head was already a mess with all the things going on with your sister, the bullies and Byounggon’s weird behavior. You didn’t want to add more to the pile. You were already too distracted as is, enough to get knocked out by a dodgeball the next time your grade had PE together. You only remember lying on the ground, looking up at the sky, other students hovering over you.

“Hey, are you ok?” Byounggon shook your shoulder and despite feeling dizzy, you tried to nod. He didn’t look convinced. “I will take you to the infirmary.”

“Don’t,” Seunghun brushed his hand off you. “I will take her.”

Next time you woke up, it was already late. The sky was dark outside of the window and the only light inside was provided by the yellow lamps in the infirmary room. It was quiet and empty, except for Seunghun dozing off in a chair next to your bed. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position, wincing when you touched a bruise you acquired during the fall. Maybe that was what brought back the boy to reality because he immediately rushed to your side, worried.

“Are you up? How do you feel?”

“As if I slept the day away,” you shrugged. You weren’t really in pain or tired but you still felt a bit sleepy. Hearing that, Seunghun sighed, relieved.

“The school nurse said that it’s unlikely that you got a concussion from that. You should get some rest, ice the bump and go to a hospital if you feel dizzy or nauseous,” he told you and offered a hand as you were getting out of the bed but you didn’t feel weakened, so you didn’t need his support no matter how much you appreciated his help.

“I should change,” you said since you were still in your PE clothes and you had the rest of your stuff in the girls’ dressing room or the classroom. Seunghun offered to get your bag while you put your uniform back on, so you agreed to meet in front of the changing rooms.

When you switched on the lights inside, you immediately noticed that something was off. On the metal locker in which you had previously put your clothes, there was a writing scribbled with red lipstick. It was smudged but there was no mistake in what it was supposed to be: bitch.

You furrowed your brows, not understanding where this suddenly came from. What had you or Jieun done that resorted somebody else to such means? Did Jieun have enemies? It was all too sudden after weeks of radio silence, so you tried to ignore it as you put back on your clothes and closed the locker. You didn’t say anything about it to Seunghun when he waited for you with your bag in hand.

“Thanks,” you smiled at him, grateful, and fished your phone out of the inner pocket. One glance at the screen was enough to know that the atmosphere at home wouldn't be great. You had missed dinner without telling your mother in advance after all. Or maybe they got a call from the school that something had happened with Jieun. One option was worse than the other.

"I need to go, mom wants me home," you excused yourself without thinking, turning to leave only for light fingers to circle around your wrist, keeping you in place. You looked back at Seunghun with furrowed brows, his expression just as confused.

"Your mom?" He asked, tentative and worried. Your heartbeat picked up its speed as you realised your mistake. Shit. "Is she back?"

With how close they were, you weren’t surprised that the boy knew about how, for Jieun, your mother was out of the picture, so no wonder he was surprised but honestly, after everything you had learned about her, you weren’t sure you knew how your twin sister would have reacted to your mother being back for a while. Because it was all temporary, you reminded yourself.

“Yeah. She has something to do in the city,” you shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, as if you didn’t just drop a totally cover-blowing information.

“So… she won’t stay?” Seunghun asked so softly as if he was fearing that his question could hurt you and once again, you were grateful that your sister had friends like him who cared about her like this.

“I don’t think so,” you shook your head and saw something painful flash in the boy’s warm brown eyes, so you reached out to squeeze his hand. “It’s okay. I’m okay,” you reassured him, not knowing if you were actually comforting him or yourself.

It happened so fast. You still hadn’t come up with a new plan about how to have proof about the main bullies of the school when you found yourself in the middle of a situation.

You ran into Byounggon and Jinyoung by one of the benches near the canteen and sat at their table. Before you would have never done that without Byeol or Seunghun beside you but the others were busy and by now you weren’t afraid that any of the boys would corner you with doubtful questions. Jinyoung acknowledged your presence with a brief glance then he turned back to his food, Byounggon on the other hand kept his eyes on you. Did you forget the eyeliner or did he find something else off? Either way, he didn’t comment on it and you all ate in silence.

Then you heard metal clattering on the floor and laughter that erupted somewhere further in the back. You were on your feet right away but the boys were quicker, so you could only follow them. Of course it was Gunhee and his gang. Girls and boys alike laughed over how one of their classmates fell, dropping his tray.

“You should have paid more attention. I can put my leg wherever I want to, can’t I?” Gunhee tsked as if it wasn’t his fault or intention. You stood there frozen, not sure how the situation would unfold with so many people watching but not daring to interrupt. You were all bystanders one way or another. Whenever people were watching but didn’t do anything it was partly their fault too. But you couldn’t blame them, not really, because they had their own reasons for not acting up: out of fear or because one wasn’t supposed to be nosy, not in a society like yours that depended on hierarchy like it was law written in stone.

“Come on, say sorry,” the guy cooed at his victim, kicking his tray even further away, his expensive sneakers smeared with the lunch. The kneeling boy in front of him stuttered out sorrys but apparently that wasn’t enough. “What was that? I didn’t quite hear you,” he pushed more and leaning down, he grabbed the boy by the hair.

That was when Jinyoung snapped. He bolted from by your side and grabbed Gunhee by his collar, pushing him against the table, pieces of metals making cacophony. You wanted to go there and pull him back, explaining that violence shouldn't have been the solution but instead you rushed to the boy on the ground and helped him up. He was too embarrassed to look you in the eyes and he quickly brushed your helping hands off him too before hurrying away.

Beside you there was chaos. The popular girls, like that Wonhee Jieun apparently had beef with, were either screaming or leaving but Jinyoung and Byounggon were fighting with Gunhee and his minions, punches thrown and kicks exchanged. It was two against five, they stood no chance. That’s why you ran to get a teacher to stop the fight even if it meant that all of you ended up in front of the teachers’ room after everybody on the scene was questioned in private, waiting for the verdict over the case of ‘unacceptable violence’.

“Everybody can leave except for Bae Jinyoung and Lee Byounggon,” the teacher who showed up claimed and from the bench across you Gunhee scoffed as if it was expected.

“Why can they just leave?” You stood up, confused, not reacting to the all too smug smile the bully guy flashed at you as he passed by you.

“Other than you, nobody thinks that Gunhee did anything to trigger your friends’ aggressive behavior and the other involved student you mentioned also said they were just joking around,” the teacher explained, tired and didn’t even give you a chance to retort before turning to the boys. “You two get a week of suspension. Be grateful that Gunhee’s mother didn’t insist on a harsher punishment.”

“But‒” You wanted to protest, to yell, to do anything because it was so unfair, it felt like a punch. Now you were feeling on your skin how much injustice it could cause when you went against powerful people who had the money and influence to have their way.

“Leave it,” Byounggon told you firmly and grabbed you by the wrist to hold you back from going after the teacher.

You couldn’t believe that both of them were so resigned, willing to go down without fighting. Were they tired of it, always being pushed down by people on the top? Were they giving up? You found yourself looking down at the boy with pleading eyes because they couldn’t do that, not now, but he just stared back at you, the corner of his lips lifting and he pulled out a phone from his hoodie’s pocket. It definitely wasn’t his  because it was a new model and not to mention an iPhone for which he had practically called you a snob before.

“You got it!” You whisper-yelled, suddenly excited and feeling accomplished. Byounggon nodded at you and just held out the phone to Jinyoung who didn’t seem surprised at all, as if it was their plan from the beginning.

“I’ll leave first,” the other guy said after pocketing the phone. Neither of them seemed too upset over the week long suspension even though with the approach of the exams, they probably should have. But the phone and the videos on it mattered more than grades, the untold stories of hurt and the ugly reality. If it was revealed and the bullies were accordingly punished, maybe the victims could feel at least a bit at ease. You hoped at least.

You would have thought that Byounggon would walk away similarly too but instead, he turned to you, something serious you couldn't quite place written on his face.

"Wanna skip class with me?" He asked and you furrowed your brows, ready to protest but then realized that due to the whole incident it was already twenty minutes into your Maths class. You shrugged but followed the boy nevertheless.

You thought that he would go off school grounds since he was suspended anyways but instead he led you to the teachers' smoking area balcony on the third floor and beckoned you towards the ladder resting across the building's wall. You furrowed your brows, not sure that going up to the rooftop wasn't against some kind of rule but didn't say anything. You have broken enough rules for the day, one more couldn't have hurt.

You were climbing up the steps, taking Byounggon's outreached hand when you reached the top, barely noticing how his touch lingered when you saw the scenery. Everything around you seemed so small, so unimportant, it put life into a different perspective.

"Wow," you breathed, wandering farther ahead.

"I know, right? It's pretty cool," the boy behind you hummed. "I kept thinking why Yonghee chose this place to jump from. But after all, it was this school that killed him."

You froze in place, suddenly trembling despite the warm breeze in the air. The boy didn't seem to notice as he sat down on the ground and lied down to watch the cloudy sky.

"Sometimes we keep doing things that's killing us," he added and you couldn't help but glance at him then, the blooming bruise on his cheek, the firm line of his lips. "Did you know that my father died from smoking? I was fourteen."

He didn't expect an answer as he took out the lighter he always played with. Your heart churned at the sight.

"Do you miss him?" You asked, gently, not pushing. You wanted to reach out and hold his hand, reminding him that he wasn't alone.

"Yeah," he whispered, a heavy word on such a sharp tongue. He turned to you, head tilted, his fringe messy against his forehead but eyes so so clear. "Do you miss your mom?"

You needed a beat to realize that he asked about your mother because of Jieun. Of course, he did.

"I do," you echoed, because your sister must have missed your mother the same way you missed your father. It wasn't the same as him though, at least they were alive and yet, that somehow hurt more that they willingly decided to stay out of your lives.

"You know…" Byounggon started as he sat up, quiet like he was sharing a secret, his eyes boring into yours. "I wish you had come into my life sooner."

You blinked slowly, throat dry and heart beating like a drum. You couldn't look away from the intensity of Byounggon's eyes, his words hanging between you like a thread that binded. Your breath hitched as he inched closer.

You thought of his outstretched hand, of him getting you napkins at the convenience store, of throwing back the paper spitball that was thrown at you in the canteen,  telling you that you looked okay without makeup too, of him holding you gently, insisting to take you to the infirmary… but no, it all wasn't for you. He believed you were Jieun, all of them did.

The realization once again felt like a slap that even if he liked you, he didn't like you for you but for being Jieun. Their constant banter must have been their version of flirting.

You were too busy living your sibling's life to realize your own feelings, that the reason why it felt like ache in your chest was because you actually started to feel like you belong in this group, you started trying too hard to act like your sister because they accepted you like this. Seunghun noticed the change, so they all must have. Didn't Byounggon?

You turned your head before he could have closed the distance between you and let out a shaky breath. You could feel his breath against your cheek, warm, and then when he pulled away, it hurt even more but you couldn't do that to Jieun. You couldn't do that to him. It wouldn't have been fair to any of you.

Just then the school bell rang in the distance and in its echo, your (Jieun's) phone buzzed, Seunghun's name on the screen. You took it without thinking, needing any distraction you could get.

"Hey, I heard what happened. Where are you? Are you okay?" The boy asked, worried probably because you didn't show up for class.

"Yeah I'm good, I'm with Byounggon," you replied, fingernails digging into the cement under you. You could tell Seunghun tried not to sound disappointed when you mentioned the other boy but right then it was too much, so you just told him you would go to your next class, not to worry about you. It also gave you a valid reason to leave.

"I have to go," you excused yourself once you disconnected the call and Byounggon didn't try to stop you as you stood up.

"When will you stop lying?" He asked suddenly though and his voice was thunder in the quiet.

You forgot to breathe for a moment and you stared back at him with widened eyes. You expected him to be fierce and mad since for the first time he actually had a valid reason to dislike you. But you looked him in the eyes, dark as always and somehow this time it was softer. There was some kind of understanding in it. He usually had so much pent up anger at the world and guilt to deal with. You assumed that his clear dislike towards your financial status had come from the latter. Or maybe he just needed an outlet for his anger and your sister's personality provided him the perfect banter to de-stress.

"What?" You asked, dumbfounded, fearing but not sure that he actually figured out the truth about your real self. Would he have looked at you like this if he had done? Would he have confronted you before telling all your... his friends about you or even the whole school?

Byounggon sighed, his gaze never wavering.

"You are not Jieun," he said, certain, and your heart was beating in your chest like crazy. You wanted to object out of reflex but at the same time you didn't want to keep lying anymore. He didn't even let you. "The Jieun I know is reckless, acts first, thinks later. The Jieun I know hates her mom for leaving her and has a scar on her arm from when we got into a fight one time. The Jieun I know would have slapped me if I tried to kiss her."

Your breath hitched at the last part but you tried not to get fixated on the detail that he even mentioned that. You had bigger problems to take care of. 

"When did you figure it out?"

"You have been suspicious for a while. Suddenly you were more naive and cursed under your nose in English but I became sure that something was off when you fainted during PE. The lack of scar confirmed it."

If he had a hunch ever since then that it meant that when he was going to kiss you... he really meant to kiss you, not Jieun and yet, he had never said anything. Was he waiting for you to reveal yourself? Is that why he brought you there, why he told you about his father, why he tricked you to talk about your mom?

"So... who are you? The sibling I guess. Twin?" He asked and it would have made no sense to deny it further, so you nodded. "Where is Jieun? I doubt you are reenacting The Parent Trap."

You wanted to snort at his mention of the old Lindsay Lohan movie and wished that was the case. You never planned to tell them this way but he had the right to know, so you bit the bullet and told him about what happened in the simplest terms you could manage:

"She is at a hospital. She jumped from the Mapo Bridge. That's when my mom and I came back to Seoul last month."

"And you just decided to carry on with her life?" Byounggon raised a brow and you knew exactly how crazy it was but you had your own reasons.

"I wanted to understand why she did it," you explained even though pretending to be her got you nowhere near close.

"Well, good luck with that," the boy said bitterly and you wondered whether he was thinking of Yonghee. Whether everybody in the group had such deep trauma after what happened with him. The lack of his presence seemed to have affected all their lives deeply.

"Can you tell me what happened with Yonghee? I found Jieun's last texts with him and I think it might have something to do with her reason," you pleaded at which Byounggon looked away, his expression weary and sad and you were about to tell him not to mind your nosy ass but then he started talking and he didn't stop.

He told you about how the group had been formed, coincidences pushing them together and like-mindedness keeping them together. They were different in many aspects: families, hobbies, goals and yet, they could be themselves comfortably around each other.  There had been the five of them at first, then Seunghun had befriended Jieun. Hyunsuk had only started dating Byeol after what had happened to Yonghee. There had been a time when their group seemed to fall apart, each of them blaming themselves in a way, yet ironically it had been Yonghee and the Film Club that had brought them together again. That was when they had decided to do something about the bullies, so what had happened to their friend wouldn't happen to others. Yonghee had been facing a lot of academic pressure from his parents and bullies had liked to pick up on him too. Byounggon had known but he hadn't done anything about it, not until it was already too late. Neither had done Jinyoung and he had taken it even worse.

"Did Jieun know?"

"With his bruises, I think we all could have guessed it sooner. We could have helped but Yonghee was always so guarded, claiming he was fine. I think we were afraid it was his father,” Byounggon trailed off, quiet, his nails drawing crescents into his skin through the tear in his pants. “Jieun and him got into a fight before... you know. I think it was about some grade. Jieun told him he was overreacting and he didn't take it well saying he had to prove his worth for his father."

Oh, that would have explained the texts between your sister and him. Could it have been one of the last straws? Could it have been why Jieun was also struggling? All you had was guesses but Byounggon was right, you could never know what was going on in another person’s head, not even if you were friends or family. Everybody had their own reasons and nobody could know when somebody would reach their tipping point. It could have been something small and otherwise insignificant that pushed them too far.

“You need to tell the others,” Byounggon spoke up again and you cast your eyes down. It was easier said than done. It was easier to avoid than facing your wrongdoings.

“Don’t you hate me?” You asked, because you were sure that would happen if any of them realized that you deceived them and lied for weeks, listening to stories they wouldn’t have shared with strangers like you.

“No. I mean, it wasn’t the smartest plan but I was mostly confused when Jieun started to act differently. The others will understand why you did it, too,” he said and while you weren’t as sure as him, he knew his friends more than you did, so you nodded, promising him that you would. But not yet, you weren’t ready yet.

The boys’ suspension gave you some time to think over things, to get prepared for the end of this play and ironically you realized that you were sad that you would never see them again. But it was always supposed to be this way, you weren’t supposed to stay and become a part of their lives or them, a part of yours.

All of you gathered at the Film Club’s room, watching the video Jinyoung had edited during his time away from the material he had found on the memory card in the stolen phone. He covered the victims’ faces but never the bullies, who could be clearly recognized in all of the edited pieces. It was undeniable evidence, it would ruin the current fabolous life of those guys but they deserved it. So you posted it on the school website’s forum and on every major video sharing platform, making it impossible to get it down too easily.

With that done, feeling accomplished, there was nothing else left to do. You gulped nervously, stealing a glance at the boy in his hoodie, his eyes encouraging you as you stood up to face the others.

“I have to tell you something,” you admitted in a higher pitched voice than usual because you were nervous and from then on it was like an avalanche. You rambled about how you didn’t want to lie to them but it was necessary because you knew nothing about your sister and it felt like the only way. Only when everybody stared at you clearly confused, did you realize that you missed the most important bit. “I’m not actually Jieun. I’m her twin sister.”

The shocked silence that followed was expected and you felt bashful under the stares.

“Wait, what? Are you serious?” Hyunsuk broke the silence first, furrowing his brows, looking closer.

“I can’t believe that you guys didn’t notice,” Byounggon scoffed, oh so helpful as always, at which Byeol was quick to retort.

“Of course, we noticed! She even came with me shopping once. Jieun never did that. I just thought that maybe she changed.”

Okay, so far you had to admit it wasn’t as bad as you expected. Jinyoung seemed way more invested in the video statistics than whether you were or weren’t Jieun but Seunghun’s silence was actually scary.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, feeling small and guilty but for the first time since you had known him, his warm brown eyes were unkind.

“Did you have fun?” He accused you and you had never seen him so angry. You deserved it though, so you understood it. He was the closest to Jieun after all, he had every right to know what was happening with her, but he didn’t even let you answer, he almost stumbled across the table as he tried to get to you in a hurry.

“Where is she? The real Jieun?” Seunghun asked, desperation dripping from his voice and you tried not to think too much into how protectively Byounggon stood between the two of you when he had seen the other guy lunge towards you.

“Would you like to visit her with me?” You inquired instead of directly answering. Your parents made sure that only family members were allowed into the ward where Jieun was kept, so no matter how mad Seunghun was at you, he couldn’t see her without you.

“We’re all going. She’s our friend,” Byeol claimed and you didn’t argue, just nodded at her.

The bus ride was mostly her and Hyunsuk asking you questions about your real life. It was almost like they tried to get to know you for real. It was ridiculously good for your heart that they took it so well. When you locked eyes with Byounggon accidentally, his knowing look was like an unsaid ‘I told you so’ and you smiled at him, grateful, nevertheless.

When you arrived at the hospital, you could feel the tension in the air. It must have brought back a lot of memories for them. You could see the way Jinyoung stopped in his tracks by the entrance before he cleared his throat.

“I will wait for you guys out here.”

“I will stay with him.” Byounggon offered.

The rest of you went in, finding Jieun just as you had left her last night, on machines, pale and vulnerable. Quietly, you told them about the bridge and what the doctors had said about her chances. You promised you would talk with the hospital, so they could visit Jieun on their own too and at that, Seunghun at least spared a glance at you. Byeol patted you on the shoulder.

“He will forgive you too. He’s just blaming himself for not noticing,” she mouthed.

You glanced at the way Seunghun was looking at your sister and it made so much sense.

So this was it. The dreading end of pretending. You hoped it would end on a happier note, Jieun waking up and taking back her life. But in a way it was fair this way, that you had to step down yourself because you couldn’t pretend anymore and you didn’t know how to be yourself around the guys. If they even wanted you to. You didn’t want to wait to find out the hard way, it would have made no sense. You would eventually have to go back to the UK. You didn’t plan to stay this long in the first place. You had heard your parents talk the other day, that they wouldn’t have thought Jieun would be on machines for so long. You feared that it would be their way of saying that they would let her go but you were glad when it wasn’t the case. Still, it was your mother’s reminder that she didn’t plan to stay afterwards. She had built a new life in Europe for herself and you. But back then, you didn’t have a choice to go or to stay, legally you still couldn’t but now you could stand up for what you wanted more. And what you wanted? It felt so selfish.

You stayed in the hospital until visiting hours ended, so you didn’t expect Byounggon and Jinyoung to still be waiting for you outside. As Seunghun elbowed his way through the friend group's little crowd, Jinyoung followed him quietly, throwing an arm around him supportingly. You thought the others would leave too, without saying goodbye, but Byeol, the always sweetheart, hugged you briefly and waved her goodbye with a little smile before taking her boyfriend’s hand and tugging him towards the bus stop.

You glanced at the boy still standing beside you, his dark eyes haunting but gentle and you didn’t know what to do with yourself. The whole situation was probably the most unfair to him because you wanted to go back to that time at the rooftop and let him kiss you now that you knew that he had figured your lies out by then. But what would it have been good for when you weren’t meant to stay?

“See? It wasn’t that bad,” Byounggon broke the silence and in a way he was right, other than Seunghun, everybody took it pretty well, better than you expected. You still felt guilty though. Towards them, towards Jieun.

“Still, tell them I’m sorry,” you sighed and finding it hard to look him in the eye, you turned to walk in the other direction. You weren’t sure where exactly, just to hide, away.

“Are you going to just disappear?” The boy called after you as if he was reading your mind. He seemed to know you better than anybody despite not knowing much about you at all. It froze your limbs with a heavy feeling.

“Why not? Now you all know where and how Jieun is,” you said, thinking that you didn’t need to explain the obvious. Even if you didn’t get the answers you wanted, at this point you doubted you would this way and they didn’t need a middleman like you either.

“And you think we wouldn’t be worried about you?” Byounggon asked and it sounded so much like an accusation that it made you turn around, to face him.

“I was never supposed to be part of your lives.”

“It’s too late for that,” he retorted, firm and direct, and your lower lip trembled.

You loved your parents but their divorce made you feel like an asset, something to choose, something without a choice itself. Maybe that’s why your life never really felt like yours, just a half of whole. Maybe the reason why you didn’t make lasting friendships was because you were afraid your mom would pack up one day and take you away with her without questions asked. It was ironic that you felt the most at home when you carved yourself into Jieun’s place.

“Stay,” Byounggon whispered and you thought of him sticking by your side in the last weeks, sitting next to you quietly in a convenience store after midnight with a bruise on his cheeks, him still being there. I wish you had come into my life sooner, he had told you, his words still echoing in your ears. He saw you, really you. Not Jieun or the mirror image of her. He saw you for yourself and the relief that washed over you brought tears into your eyes.

When he hugged close, quieting your sobs with the soft material of his worn hoodie, you finally realized: you weren’t alone, not anymore.

For those feeling betrayed by the open end, here are some notes about what happens after this:

Jieun wakes up with Seunghun beside her. Yes, Seunghun is in love with her and she knew, she ignored it on purpose because she thought she didn’t deserve it (I can see them getting together though)

the bullies do get dealt with and using the virality of the video, the gang keeps working on making changes in how bullying is treated as a norm and how stressful is the current education system

MC makes up with her sister (who rolls her eyes whenever she sees her with Byounggon). They go to family therapy though to get through their problems

MC goes back to UK to graduate but comes back to Korea for university to help the gang with their new initiatives

#cix x reader #cix angst #cix scenarios #bx x reader #byounggon x reader #stories

[yong-jelly]

·˚ 🍮 ̗̀ dai (they/she) | @yong-jelly @luv-seoggie | masterlist

started: june 6th, 2022. (on temporary hiatus)

˚⋆｡˚ i exclusively write for cix, but i may write optional bias fics from time to time.

˚⋆｡˚ requests are open! please read my rules for requesting before submitting anything!

˚⋆｡˚ i may not write every request :<

˚⋆｡˚ lapslock is intended.

working on: 4 drafts

🎶 song of the week

i hope you enjoy your stay!

#kpop imagines #kpop masterlist #kpop headcanons #kpop fluff #kpop angst #kpop smut #cix #cix imagines #cix headcanons #cix fluff #cix angst #cix smut #cix reactions #Spotify

[dalivanmagritte]

FIC REC : MULTI GROUPS

CIX

kim seunghun

you're my fireflower (fav!, fluff, angst, knight!au, witch!au, warrior!au, hybrid!au)

panty line crime and punishment (smut, office!au, ceo!au)

bae jinyoung

camboy (smut, camboy!au)

never forever (fluff, angst, royal!au)

yoon hyunsuk

bunny effect (smut)

kinky tarot reading (astrology, smut)

first (fluffy smut)

ENHYPEN

sim jake

not off limits (fluff, bestfriend's brother!au

THEBOYZ

eric sohn

san francisco vapor (fluff, angst, reincarnation!au, greekmythology!au)

sunburnt (fluff, pharmacist!au)

batter up! (luff, baseball!au)

all good boys (fluff)

coffee, waffles & the boy next door (fluff, neighbour!au)

summer nights (fluff)

endless race (finished serie, streetracer!au, mechanic!au, angst, fluff)

lee juyeon

splash! (fluff, lifeguard!au)

ATEEZ

first flight to hongkong (freaky ver) (basically a gangbang)

cleopatra part.1 (all members)

wooyoung:

déjà vu: i want you so bad (smut, fluff, college!au)

#fic rec #cix #baejinyoung #seunghun #yoon hyunsuk #enhypen #sim jake #the boyz #eric sohn #juyeon #smut #fluff #angst #kpop fic rec #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #cix scenarios #cix imagines

[kyufessions]

Opposites

context: popular college student! seunghun x lonely college student! g.n. reader

word count: 3.6k

warnings: fluff, some angst

a/n: idk how this got so long but enjoy !

——————

you were both complete opposites. you hated everyone, he loved everyone. he always wore color while you wore black, grey, and white tones. you were a business major while he was a music major. he was well known and “popular” around campus, while you blended into the background. you couldn’t be more different from one another, so when you both got paired up to work on a class project together you couldn’t be more anxious and a bit irritated. why him? of all people? you even would’ve been fine with the asshole soccer player.

as class finished up, you took your time packing up and stuffing your notebook into your bag. before you could put your headphones on, a tall figure started approaching you at the corner of your eyes. you could already feel his positive aura oozing out onto the floor and approaching you at a rapid pace.

“excuse me?” you heard him say, the smile evident in his voice. when you turned your head to look at him, you noticed the bright smile that spread from ear to ear. it was lovely and welcoming- which to you was frightening.

“yes?” you replied, fiddling with the wire of your headphones awaiting his response.

“we’re partners for the project,” he started, his smile never fading as he spoke. “can we exchange numbers so we can plan our meet up for the project?”

you nodded, pulling out your phone and opening your contacts to add a new one. you typed his name into your phone before handing it over to him, standing up from your chair as you did so. when you noticed the height difference between you both, you felt intimidated. you never noticed his height until now, has he always been this tall?

when he took your phone in his hands he was going to start typing out his name when he realized it was already typed out, causing him to raise a curious brow. he glanced up at you as he typed in his number, parting his lips. after inserting his number he texted himself a quick ‘hi’ so he had your number as well. “how do you know my name?”

when he finished and handed you back your phone, you opened up your music app to start listening to some ph-1 as you walked back to your dorm. “you’re kim seunghun, everyone knows who you are.” you said as you slid your headphones on, putting your phone in your pocket and walking away from the confused man that stood there baffled. who were you?

a sigh of content escaped your lips as you finished up your rough draft of an essay for your english class. you had been sitting on your ass for the past three hours writing, your stomach now growling because you haven’t had food for severest hours. as if on cue, your roommate, chaesol, walked in looking as tired as ever. you weren’t that close to her, but she was the only person you’d ever consider a friend.

“hey,” you started, turning to look in her direction and watch her plop dramatically onto her twin XL mattress. “long day?”

all she did was hum in response, turning on her back and staring up at the white ceiling. for a few seconds, silence filled the room you both shared. when you stood up after closing your laptop is when she spoke up again. “the cafeteria just closed, by the way. i don’t know if you ate yet but i didn’t see you so i figured i’d let you know.” the groan that left your lips signified that you hadn’t ate, which made her feel bad for not picking you up something. “the snack shack should be open though. it’s not the most healthy but i’d rather you eat something rather than nothing.”

you nodded, grabbing your wallet and putting on your kuromi themed slippers. “thanks for letting me know, chae. do you want anything?”

she shook her head, sitting up lazily in her bed and kicking off her backpack from on top of her bed. “no, i’m good. by the time you come back i might be asleep anyway. i appreciate it though, thank you.” she smiled over at you, waiting for your awkward smile back. and when you sent it her way, she waved as you walked out the door and down to get some fried food.

excitement filled you as you noticed there was no line, only the two workers behind the counter. you walked up to both of them, ordering mozzarella sticks with onion rings and a vanilla cola. you thanked the workers, sitting down on one of the couches after paying and watching whatever was on the miniature TV mounted on the wall. you normally didn’t watch the office, but since it was the only thing on you figured you would invest your time in it for the time being. in fact, you were so invested that you didn’t even feel someone sit next to you.

for a few moments, seunghun just sat there staring at you. not saying a word. when it hit him how weird that probably was, he spoke up. “hey, partner.” his voice caught you off guard, causing you to jump in your seat. he let out a chuckle, putting his hands up in defense when you shot him a glare. “sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. just figured i’d say hi.”

you huffed, his annoying smile spreading across his face yet again. why was he always so happy? “it’s fine, i guess.” you mumbled, turning back to face the TV and watch the commercial that was now being displayed.

he propped his arm up on the back of the couch, resting his head against his fist as he still looked at you. “what’s your name?”

“what?”

“your name. you never told me.”

as if out of some movie, your name was then called from the snack shack. senghun hadn’t ordered anything and there was no one else here besides you both, so there was his answer. it was confirmed when you stood up and walked over to retrieve your food, turning back around to sit at a corner table and much down on some food. you had hoped the cheerful man would leave you be, but here he was sitting in the chair across from you with a goofy, friendly grin.

“may i help you, seunghun?” you questioned before biting down on a mozzarella stick, looking up at him with an annoyed look.

“are you free tomorrow to talk about the project? also your name is very pretty- it suits you well.”

the last sentence caught you off guard, but you didn’t allow it to show. all you did was nod and after swallowing, answer him. “i’m free after one thirty, i’ll text you.”

“okay! i’ll rent out a library room from two to three for us to use and once you text me i’ll send you the details, if that’s okay?”

all you did was nod, standing up with your food and pushing your seat in so you can start walking back to your room. you did not want to speak to him, or anyone for that matter. you already had a low social battery, and having someone like kim seunghun talking your ear off was not helping. plus, after working your ass off you didn’t want to speak to anyone. just spend time with yourself and this delicious food.

you started walking away, but not before hearing him speak up. “hey, wait!” he called out, shuffling to his feet to catch up to you.

you paused, letting out an annoyed groan. “what?” you turned around to face him, puffing out your cheeks to signal irritation.

he pointed to your slippers and then at his. when you looked down, you noticed his pompompurin ones. you looked up at him confused, cocking your head to the side for a moment. “we both like sanrio, i see.”

you nodded, turning around and walking away leaving the tall man standing there alone. at least he knew one way to get through to you now.

the next day you went straight to the library since it was halfway across campus from your class. you hadn’t been looking forward to today, you just had a feeling he would bring up he would bring up the fact both of you liked sanrio. granted you never really spoke about your love for your interests because you believed no one would really care for them, but you couldn’t be more wrong when it came to kim seunghun; you would soon figure that out.

when you arrived, you looked down at your phone to double check the text he had sent you about which room he would be in. you glanced through the glass, seeing him gathering items out of his school bag and noticing a white box sitting in the middle of the table with two cola’s. curiosity entered your mind as you walked through the door, being greeted by his smiling face as he watched you walk to the other end of the round table and take a seat.

he pouted as he opened the white box, hoping you’d sit directly across from him instead of at the other end. “i brought us some snacks and drinks. i noticed you liked vanilla cola so i brought some for us, hope you don’t mind.” he spoke up, looking over at you to see your expression.

you nodded as you took your notebook out of your bag along with a pen. you felt your stomach do a flip as he mentioned the vanilla cola- you hadn’t even told him about your liking of it so he must’ve studied what you bought last night at the snack shack. no one really ever paid attention to you, so why was he? “thank you, seunghun.”

“whyre you sitting so far away?”

“why not?”

“you’re always so distant. shouldn’t we work together?” he picked out a chocolate chip cookie from the box, shoving it into his mouth to take a small bite.

“we are working together. we’re in the same room, at the same table-“

“no, like, sorry to interrupt but shouldn’t we be sitting next to each other as we figure out what to exactly do for this project?”

you knew he was right, but you just hated being close to people. you shrugged, picking up your material and scooting closer to him. he watched as you did so, grabbing the vanilla cola and seeing you eye the box of goodies he picked up from a local bakery.

“okay,” you sighed aloud, opening to the first clean page and clicking open your pen. “i was thinking for the topic we could-“

seunghun placed his head in his hand, watching you speak. when you finished your proposal he nodded, not taking his eyes off of you. “tell me about yourself, y/n.”

you turned to meet his gaze, raising a curious brow. “no.” you reached over for a cookie, grabbing a snickerdoodle which just so happened to be your favorite. “what for?”

“pure curiosity.” he took a mental note of you grabbing the snickerdoodle cookie, assuming it was one of your favorites. “you’re quiet and distant.”

you groaned before taking a sip from your cola, looking away for a split second before looking back at him. “i dont like meeting new people. i just want to get this done, okay?”

he chuckled, bringing his hand up to pat the top of your head gently. “okay, my little kuromi.”

you fake laughed, shaking your head at his nickname for you. “kuromi? really?”

he hummed in response, now turning his notebook open. he grabbed a pencil from a zipper in his bag, beginning to write down the previous idea you mentioned for the project. “you like kuromi and remind me of character. it’s adorable.”

and with that, you both finally started on the project.

in these past few weeks, you and seunghun sadly grew close. you say sadly because you didn’t like meeting new people- overly cheery people at that- but you couldn’t help it when he was the way he was. he paid attention to you, paid attention to your little details and actually listened to you when you spoke. and even though you hated hanging out with him four times a week for an hour, you secretly liked it. he was a comforting presence for you- a change of pace. he enjoyed your presence as well but he didn’t keep that a secret- he actually admitted it a few times to you. you would just roll your eyes and mumble a ‘thanks’, but he knew you secretly enjoyed hearing that- or hoped you did anyway. he wanted to figure you out so bad but has only scraped the surface.

you both ended up getting closer as weeks passed, something you didn’t think would happen but boy oh boy did seunghun have a way with his words. he even opened up to you too, sharing his hopes of becoming a kpop idol and sharing how he’s been training for the past few years. he even shared his worries of never debuting but you reassured him he will because what kind of company would pass up the opportunity of having someone with such an angelic voice debut? they’d be crazy not to. when he first sang for you is when you felt yourself gradually falling for the man; it was just something about the way his eyes held so much love and his voice so much passion that tug at your heart strings. but you, of course, never told him that. because why would you?

as the deadline approached, you both felt upset. you enjoyed your little one hour sessions, never wanting them to end. both of you wondered if your friendship would continue after this project was handed in. seunghun did, and you kind of did too as scary as that was to admit for you. seunghun always wanted to hang out after sessions or even extend them a bit but you refused, not wanting this to go anywhere. you believed that once people entered your life, they would always leave. that’s always how it was for you. once you got close to someone and opened up, whoosh! they left you in the dust. after a while it got old, so you decided to stop seeking out relationships and keep yourself closed off- whether it be romantic or strictly friendship.

seunghun never knew this though, you refused to tell him about it because you knew how he’d respond. he would claim to be different when in reality you were convinced everyone was the same at this point. even though you felt he would be different, you didn’t want to be proven wrong. you even spoke to chaesol about him, gushing about him every so often. she wanted nothing more than you to allow him in your life- you deserved someone like him, after all. she called you both ‘y/nhun’ which always caused you to roll your eyes, even if you did secretly like it.

as your last meeting came to an end, you clicked the submit button on the bottom right corner with a small smile. although you will miss these sessions, you were not going to miss all the work. when the work was finally submitted, seunghun held up his hand for a high five. you, of course, turned to him and high fived him back with enthusiasm.

“finally!” you exclaimed happily with a proud smile on your face.

he let out a small laugh, looking from your eyes to your hands. he tilted his head to admire the difference in hand sizes, his smile growing a bit wider at the realization. he then took your hand in his, playing with your fingers innocently. you just watched him do so, your smile never leaving your face. watching him made your cheeks heat up and your stomach do flips.

“proud of you.” he mumbled, still admiring your hand. all he wanted to do was hold it for hours. for days. for weeks. to place kisses on it.

“you too, honey.” you replied, reaching up and patting the top of his head.

he moved his gaze from your hands to your eyes, his smile not as big as it was before but his eyes still holding so much love within them. “i don’t want this to end.” he confessed, his fingers still playing with yours as he spoke.

clearing your throat, you placed your hand on top of his in comfort. “i don’t want to either but-“

“see, you don’t want to either. so why should we?”

“because i- i just can’t, seunghun.” you replied, looking away from him and into your lap.

“but why, y/n? do you not feel the same?” his voice changed from its usual cheerful tone to a disappointed one, making your heart ache.

“i do but i can’t bring myself to get close to you. you’re gonna leave like everyone else.” and with that, you stood up to grab your items and leave. you couldn’t do this, as much as you wanted to. you wanted him, and vice versa.

he stood up as you did, walking in your direction as you started to walk away towards the door. “i promise im not going to. I never would. im not like everyone else, y/n.” he placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, careful not to startle you. “what we have isn’t fiction. i like you, so much.”

you shook your head, opening the door and walking out but not before mumbling, “i like you so much too, kim seunghun. so fucking much.”

you paused at the exit of the building, stuffing your laptop into your bag to protect it from the downpour. you mentally cursed at yourself as you walked outside, wondering why you didn’t bring a hoodie or even an umbrella. all you wanted was to run back to seunghun, to confess to him. but your mind was beating you up about it, yelling at you not to. to protect yourself from the hurt. while your heart ached for his touch one more and your mind wondering what it would be like to have his lips crashed against yours.

as you crossed the parking lot, you crossed the street to then walk through another parking lot to the dorms. sniffles were all you heard besides the rain hitting the pavement beneath your feet- that was, before your name was being screamed as well. your eyes widened, knowing his tone of voice all too well. you took a few steps forward onto the curb before deciding to turn around to see a tall man with short red hair streaming down his face as he ran towards you. his long legs carried him fast towards you, stopping just a few feet in front of you.

you both stared at one another for a few seconds, minds racing faster than ever before. you reached your hand to his face, wiping away some red streaks. he melted under your touch, tilting his head to the side to admire you.

“i know people have treated you badly before, i get it. i know it hurts when people leave, but i can promise you i will never be one of them.” he brought his hands up to your face now, cupping your cheeks and rubbing circles into them lovingly. “i know we’ve only known each other for some time but you make me happy. i don’t want to let this go and look back on what could’ve been.”

“seunghun-“

“let me finish, please.” he said, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “i know it’s scary, but i’ll do everything in my power to make you as comfortable and content as possible. to make you as happy as i can. to bring you the joy you deserve. damnit, i just- can i kiss you?”

you nodded, not holding back on the smile you so desperately wanted to hold back. you brought your hand up to the back of his neck, pulling him in to close the gap between you both. as the rain came down harder, you both smiled into the kiss. neither of you wanted to pull away, both of you enjoying the taste and feeling of one another. everything felt perfect, almost like some kind of sickly teenage movie. but you didn’t care, all you cared about was this moment. you and seunghun.

you were the first to pull away, smiling through the sniffles. “you’re going to catch a cold being out here like this, honey.” you said, grabbing his hand as he laughed. you started pulling him towards the dorms entrance before he pulled you back around to face him again, pulling you in for another quick kiss.

you couldn’t help but laugh as his lips met yours again, him doing the same. but you quickly pulled away, hitting his arm lightly and starting to tug him towards the entrance again. he pouted, grunting dramatically as he followed behind you. “is that a yes?” he asked.

you looked back at him and rolled your eyes as you scanned your dorm ID, walking inside soaking wet with a red haired man following behind you as red streaks painted his face. he smiled at you, squinting his eyes as some red water entered his one eye. you reached up as he hissed at the slight pain, wiping away the streaks and pulling him aside. a soft kiss was planted on each of his cheeks, making his cheeks heat up as you did so.

“of course it’s a yes.”

he pulled you in for a hug, wrapping his arms around your body and planting a dramatic, loud, wet kiss on your forehead. “so you’re officially my little kuromi?”

“too soon, seunghun. too soon.”

#cix #seunghun #cix x reader #cix seunghun #cix scenarios #cix jinyoung #cix fluff #cix angst #cix byounggon #cix yonghee #cix bx #cix hyunsuk