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dat-town · 4 months

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you are the knife i turn inside myself (that is love)

Characters: Seunghun & OC (Jieun)

Setting & genre: angst, hurt/comfort, set in the world of Save Me Kill Me MV

Summary: Jieun had always been an enigma. Yet, Seunghun can’t stop loving her.

Warnings: mentions of suicide (Yonghee’s), past attempted suicide (MC), bullying, parents’ divorce and neglectful behaviour (MC’s), deceased parents (Seunghun’s), academic pressure, depression (MC’s), therapy ‒ if any of these topics are triggering for you, please don’t interact with the fic. if you would like to know what to expect under any warning beforehand, feel free to send me an ask

International suicide hotline: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Words: 6k

Author’s note: it’s a spin-off to in your eyes i see another me, for my convenience I named the previous reader, as Jinah. I don’t think it’s a must to read it but it gives more context. Heavily inspired by the CIX story films and Save Me Kill Me MV, so the boys’ characters resemble that more than their idol personality. This story is heavily Seunghun-centric.

Title taken from Kafka, read the meaning here.

For @restlessmaknae, thank you for always being such a supporter, for introducing me to new music (and groups) and for fangirling with me over fictional characters or real people in general. I hope next year you find a place where they appreciate you the way you deserve it and that it will be a better one health-wise. I wish you more (kpop) concerts, travel experiences and happiness! love you <3

Seunghun couldn't tell when exactly he fell in love with Jieun. Was it love at first sight? The way her fringe had fallen into her dark eyes, the fierce fire in them, the way she had looked at him like everything was a challenge ever since the first day of high school? Or was it much later when she had held his trembling hand during his mother's funeral?

Seunghun wasn't sure but he knew one thing: he didn't remember how it was to not be in love with her. That's why it hurt when he started to notice her building up walls, acting weird and hanging out with Byounggon more. The boy told himself he wasn't jealous, he had nothing against the other guy after all, but lying could only take him that far.

Then his whole world turned upside down when it turned out that Jieun had a twin who pretended to be her while she was in a hospital. In a coma. Because of attempted suicide.

It was like an ice cold shower because Seunghun would rather have Jieun be with somebody else than dead. Or in pain. But Jieun was like a rose with sharp thorns, so to love her was like handing her a knife, ready to be hurt.

The smell of the hospital was the same. Seunghun remembered it all too well. It didn't matter that it wasn't the same building or that months had passed. He had spent too much time beside Yonghee's bed, praying that he wouldn't leave like his mom, to forget. And now here he was, right by the unconscious Jieun's side doing the same.

She looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, all pale and put on machines that kept her alive. So unlike how she really was: wild and lively like ember among ash. Whenever Seunghun came to visit, his heart sank at the sight and he couldn't help checking the heart monitor just to make sure. Hoping that one of these days it would be different, that she would open her eyes and everything would be okay. What a wishful thinking but it's not like he had anything better to do.

"Your sister comes back from the UK tomorrow. You should see Byounggon, he's like an excited puppy," he recited, sitting on the uncomfortable metal chair next to Jieun's bed. He didn't believe she heard him but the nurses told him it could help, so he did his best. It made it feel less weird too, just being there, silent, watching her sleep. Like this, he could pretend they were gossiping, like she could chuckle anytime soon and call him out on his bullshit when he exaggerated. Not this time though; ever since Jinah notified them that she had finished all her final exams and was heading back to Seoul for the summer, Byounggon was restless. "How long do you think it will take them to get together officially? We all saw how they looked at each other and long distance can't be an excuse now."

Honestly, given Jieun's and Byounggon's arguing history, Seunghun didn't think the girl would have been thrilled to know that her twin got so close with the guy, but he would have rather taken her frustration than her silence at this point. He would have given anything for her to wake up. Maybe he was selfish but he wasn't ready to lose her too. Too many good people had left them last year.

"I miss you," he whispered, toying with a loose thread of her thin duvet. The realization wasn't sudden but his confession was. It tasted bittersweet on his tongue or like sour candy.

Seunghun gulped while watching Jieun's porcelain face, her dark lashes and listened to the rhythmical beeps of the machine beside her. Nothing even stirred. Gently, he reached out to take her hand in his, so cold against his sweaty palms, so still and unlike her. Jieun wasn't fond of public displays of affection after all. He sometimes got away with a brief hug or nudge on the shoulder, but Jieun was often quick to pull away. But she was like that with everybody, so Seunghun didn't take it to heart.

He squeezed her hand softly, suddenly nervous at being so daring, but naively he hoped that maybe the cliché things from dramas would turn out to be true for once. But no, even as he stood up to leave and let go of her pale hands, the heart monitor's beeps remained steady.

With Jinah back in town, they had one more person at those Saturday hang outs Hyunsuk liked to call movie nights in honour of the film club they used to be a part of.

Eventually all of them had graduated, even Byounggon and Jinyoung had managed to do so without having to retake the senior year. Seunghun wasn't sure it would have happened without Jinah. Sure, her lying to them and impersonating her sister had been morally wrong but with her around they had all gotten a new perspective: that they all had something to live for and none of the people who had left them would have wanted them to feel otherwise. At first, Seunghun had thought that it had been naive to think so, so unlike Jieun, but then he had gotten to know about her in the hospital and realized that maybe it had been their pessimistic mindset of theirs all along that had pushed the girl to the edge.

Hyunsuk and Byeol had gotten into the same college, sociology majors – she had wanted to study that and he hadn't known what else to do –, and it was cute how they lived their campus romance. Jinyoung had started working in a coffee shop and whenever they visited him, female customers were making heart eyes at him. Byounggon had gotten a job at a convenience store and often took night shifts because he had always been a night owl (and because with the timezone difference, this way he could talk more with Jinah), but with her back in time, it was most likely up to change.

And Seunghun? He had taken on a few children's dance classes to teach and was studying for the civil worker exam. With house bills to pay he couldn't allow himself to dream big. With all of them pressed up against each other on a couch, watching a movie, he was already paying his dream coins thinking of Jieun – that she would make faces but like this anyway –, wishing she was there.

It was almost the end of the visiting hours when Seunghun woke up. He didn't mean to fall asleep over Jieun's hospital bed, arms folded like a pillow but he was up late learning a new choreography. He loved the lack of crushing thoughts when he was dancing, the soreness in his muscles and the beats of music the only thing he was aware of. No what ifs or guilt or anxiousness, just dance. Except when Jieun had been watching him dance before because then his thoughts had been all about her.

The boy startled and pulled back, scooting back in his chair. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes. Then he froze, eyes widening.

Jieun was watching him.

Her eyes were misty and unfocused but she was awake. Seunghun stood up so vehemently that he almost knocked his chair back. Her name was a prayer of gratitude as he called it. The soft sound made the girl focus on him. Breathing through the plastic mask over her face, heartbeat measured by the wires put on her body, white hospital grown over her pale skin, Jieun seemed like a stranger but her eyes, they were still the same: sad but with fire in them.

Seunghun held his breath while a single drop of tear rolled down Jieun's temple, then she closed her eyes again right before the nurses arrived.

Seunghun was sent out while the doctors and nurses ran a million tests on the girl. He called Jinah and wrote in the group chat but he didn't know what else to do. He was pacing, walking up and down the corridor and while this was what he was waiting for, for her to wake up, it was also nerve-wrecking.

"How is she?" Seunghun ran up to the nurse who just came out of the room.

"Better than expected. But I can't tell you the details. Only family members are entitled to know medical details."

It left a sharp feeling in Seunghun's gut after spending in the hospital hours every week, but he wasn't surprised. He needed the family's permission to be able to visit too, so he didn't push it.

"Can I see her?" He asked instead, but the nurse looked at him uncertainly, with pity.

"I'm sorry but… the patient specifically said she doesn't want you to see her like that. Nobody apart from her family actually," she bobbed her head apologetically before hurrying away, leaving the boy behind.

Disheartened, Seunghun sank down onto the row of uncomfortable plastic chairs in the corridor and tried not to feel hurt. He knew how proud Jieun was, how much she hated to show weakness to others. He should have expected it, but it still stung.

He didn't know how much time had passed by the time the doctors and rest of the nurses left or when Jinah and Byounggon arrived. He just sat there, waiting, waiting. He wasn’t sure what for, not anymore.

Jinah told all of them that according to the doctors Jieun would make full recovery. She had to attend rehabilitation because she just spend months not moving and obligatory therapy due to the attempted suicide. She wasn't particularly happy about either of those nor having to repeat her senior year. But at least she didn't look like she was disappointed that she survived or so Jinah said. Not that they talked about it. Jieun wasn’t quite generous with words, not when it came to topics like this.

After a week of various examinations they would let her out of the hospital and she would spend two weeks in the mountains for recovery. Three weeks until Seunghun could see her again. If she was ready then.

"Seunghun, you are a beat behind. Where's your mind at?" His dance teacher's scolding pulled him out of his running thoughts.

Thoughts around and about her. Always her.

"Sorry," he mumbled and tried not to think of Jieun.

But he saw her even when he closed his eyes.

Jieun was alive and awake yet she had never felt farther. Seunghun's messages went unread on her phone and he only knew what was happening to her from Jinah. It felt wrong. Weren't they supposed to be best friends? When had it all gone wrong?

When she had jumped? Or when Yonghee had done?

Or when he had fallen in love?

Seunghun felt like she was slipping through his fingers like sand. It was almost like he was losing her all over again. For real, this time.

People said that it was natural to drift apart with your friends after school, once you didn't see each other every day, but he couldn't let go. He knew it wasn't about him graduating. Jieun was avoiding him. Seunghun told himself that she must have needed time. She was one of the strongest people he knew and she hated when she was seen as weak or vulnerable, she must have resented that he had been with her in the hospital. But how could he have not? At least he had been close to her that way.

The day after Jieun got back from the mountains, Seunghun got a text in the middle of his teens class. It was one simple message:

Can we meet?

His heart thrummed like a traitor when he saw it. He was sweaty and tired, but he wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity.

They agreed to meet at the park they often hung out later that night. Seunghun was more nervous than he would have liked to admit. His hands got clammy again after taking a quick shower and water droplets were still falling from his hair when he jumped on the bus. He was drumming on his knees to the rhythm of his heart, a jumpy little dance.

He didn't know what to expect. After months of not talking to Jieun, he wasn't sure. After her not wanting him to see her, he got even more uncertain. He kept replaying their last conversation. The one Jinah had confirmed wasn't with her. The way Jieun had smiled at him, nudged him playfully and stolen his fries. It had been painfully normal. He had used to beat himself up over not noticing the signs but all of them had been a mess after what had happened with Yonghee and Seunghun had been busy with his mother's funeral too. There had been a new norm after that, nothing had been the same, so nothing had felt out of the ordinary. Nothing had felt like ‘Yonghee all over again’.

Jieun was already there when he got to the park. She sat on a bench with her long hair falling onto her shoulders, moonlight shining on her fair skin beautifully. She wore her signature eyeliner and black nail polish which reminded Seunghun of times before she got to the hospital where she was pale and bare faced, looking young, innocent and so so fragile. Seeing her again like this knocked the air out of the boy.

"Hey," she looked up, straightening her spine a bit once she was aware of his presence. The small movement didn't sit well with Seunghun. They were closer than to act differently around each other… Or so he thought they were.

"Hey," he echoed and took the seat next to her, his hands gripping on the edge of the bench. It felt unreal, being so close to her again, and she was awake, warm and real. "You… you look better."

It was a clumsy compliment but Seunghun knew Jieun would have never let him get away with calling her pretty or something like that. She didn't like that and the boy never knew why but according to Jinah they were always compared based on their academics and looks too. Early signs of Jieun's rebellion came with her going against what their parents would have liked to see her as: the ideal, well-behaving, perfect little angel.

"Better than half-dead in the hospital? Jeez, thanks," the girl snorted and her tone made Seunghun wince. Joking with her almost dying wasn't funny to him. He didn't say anything though, so silence embraced them for an uncomfortable moment.

"I'm sorry," Jieun sighed eventually and she sounded sincere.

Seunghun wasn't sure why she apologized though. For the insensitive joke? For ignoring his messages? For not letting him visit her in the hospital once she was awake? Or for the reason she had been at the hospital in the first place? Nevertheless, Seunghun shook his head, not wanting her to blame herself.

"Don't be."

"I am," she insisted, her eyes intense when their gazes met. "I never wanted to hurt you."

The boy sucked in a breath.

He was at fault too: he cared too much. But he couldn't say it was okay nor he could say he wasn't hurt. He was so damn confused at the same time as he was just happy to have her back. Because she was back, right? She wouldn't disappear like that again?

He wanted to ask. He wanted to beg even though he didn't have the right to tell her what to do. He wanted her to stay, but they didn't talk about it, about the elephant in the room, since everything was still so fragile.

Instead Seunghun looked into her deep dark night of her eyes and smiled.

"I missed you," he said.

Stay with me, he wished.

"I missed you, too," she said with the smallest of genuine smiles in the corner of her mouth.

For then, it was enough.

Admittedly, Seunghun had feared that Jieun wanted to meet because she would have preferred to cut ties with him, that it would have been a goodbye, maybe her moving away or just trying to start a new life. He was terribly relieved when it turned out that she just didn't want to apologize over messages for being distant ever since she woke up. She just needed time and space and she didn't like the idea of him wasting his time beside her hospital bed like he had done with Yonghee, too. He wouldn't have called it a waste of time though, he'd had nothing better to do and he had wanted to be there for them. Since he hadn’t been able to help, this was something he could have at least done. But convincing Jieun something like this was a lost cause and he didn't want to argue. A part of him just wanted things to go back as they were but another part of him, the one that wasn't a coward, wanted to be mature about it and talk it through. But he was afraid Jieun would put her walls up and shut him out then and he didn't want to lose her. He knew how much she disliked that therapy already that she had to attend for a year.

So Seunghun did the next best thing he could think of: making sure Jieun had reasons to live. He started writing a list, a list that he hoped would never end, of things that he knew she wanted to do, achieve or see. Be it a band concert, a trip to Gangnueng or just a choker she bookmarked on her phone. He knew her well and long enough to easily come up with a dozen list items but the hardest part was being smooth enough at delivering these that Jieun wouldn't call him out on it.

Like when they were out late again one night and he thought using that excuse that he was hungry would be enough to suppress her doubts.

"It's just so random," she grumbled when he told her dinner would be on him. It wasn't even anything fancy, just bibimbap that she always loved.

"I wanted to take you out from my first paycheck but you weren't awake then, so here we are," he echoed the practiced explanation. Technically it wasn't even a lie, he had wanted to do that. But now he had one more reason to.

When they crossed an item off his unwritten list, Seunghun added two more points in its place. With time, it turned into a little bucket list about things he wanted to do with her. Hyunsuk teased him that it was almost like he was planning dates for them and Seunghun had to make him promise not to call them dates out loud in front of Jieun. So what if he wanted to try out the new bingsu place with her or watch falling stars together or discover old record stores? He just wanted to be with her.

He knew it was only a matter of time that Jieun noticed the pattern and actually said something about it and then it would end. Seunghun guessed she kind of already knew, she just entertained him by letting him throw in a new idea for every weekend. Sometimes she asked if he shouldn't have studied instead but eventually let him be after listening to his nonsense excuses like how taking a break would fuel his productivity eventually.

Seunghun thought he could act like nothing had happened. Because it seemed like this was what Jieun wanted.

But sometimes he just couldn't.

"Jinah told us that you went to a psychologist," he said quietly after they visited Yonghee and his steps halted when Jieun fell behind.

"She shouldn't have. She had no right," she snapped, sounding both cold and angry at the same time, brushing past him, clearly not wanting to talk about it.

It was exactly what Seunghun wanted to avoid, but the cat was already out of the bag, so he didn’t want it to be an affair to brush off. He caught up with the girl, grabbing her wrist just temporarily to stop her and slip in front of her vision.

"You could have told me," he added, quiet and gentle, and Jieun's anger seemed to fade. She always seemed to soften just a bit when it came to him. Maybe that was also a reason why he fell for her. Because she made him feel special.

"You were struggling already because of your mom on top of what happened with Yonghee," she reasoned and Seunghun wished that she would have been more selfish than that. How could she have thought that her struggles would have been too much on top of everything as if she mattered less to him?

The boy sighed, shaking his head.

"That's not the only reason," he argued because he knew her and she respected him enough not to deny.

"That's not the only reason," she agreed, keeping eye contact. Brave, brave Jieun, why was she so afraid of showing vulnerability as if it was a weakness? Didn't she know that he wouldn't have thought less of her because of something like that?

"Can you tell me now? What happened? I would have never thought that you…" Seunghun wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence and it was probably the worst timing and not the best location either. But at least the streets were vacant and they were the only people under this alcove. The stars would keep their secrets.

"I wanted to know how Yonghee felt," Jieun shrugged, trying to play it off but Seunghun saw the nervousness in her movements, the way she put her weight from one leg to the other. “Was he scared? Was it fast? Did it hurt? Maybe if it was fast and painless, it would be easier to accept it.”

Seunghun imagined her walking over the bridge, watching the river rush by underneath her and thinking of Yonghee. Of the boy with the gentlest soul and all those bruises on his fair skin. He imagined her screaming and reckless, finding comfort in the dark and the waves. The impact of her jump held magnitudes. It could never be fast and painless, not for those who loved them.

“Do you know what was the last thing I told him?” Jieun asked but Seunghun didn’t answer.

How could he have known when she had never told him? What he knew was that she had gotten into an argument with Yonghee not much before he had left them. But that was nothing new, Jieun had got into her fair share of arguments with all of them, especially Byounggon, because she was like an ember, fierce and restless. Yonghee had known this, he had known that her words were sometimes harsher than she intended.

“I called him a coward. I told him he was weak. That if he wasn’t going to stand up for himself, it’s like he’s letting them kill him,” Jieun’s lips trembled and she looked away, her voice getting breathy. “We were his safe space and I made him feel like he was a disappointment. I…”

A sob escaped her. It was so sudden that Seunghun didn’t see it coming. He had never seen Jieun cry. Not at Yonghee’s funeral, not when she had broken her arm trying a skateboarding trick in their freshman year. Yet, it was like an instinct: winding his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace. He half-expected her to push him away, to build up the walls once again just to prove that she was strong and independent. But maybe, finally she knew that from time to time it was okay to be vulnerable, with the right people it wasn’t a bad thing.

“I… What if that was the last straw? What if it was like I pushed him over the edge?” She sobbed into his shirt and he held her tighter as if he could keep her together as she was spiralling down. He had no idea she held so much guilt and grief inside.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered into her hair and murmured other reassuring words while storing her back. Yes, they were all bystanders and maybe they could have offered help, could have pushed more but Yonghee had loved them and he insisted that he was okay. There was no way they could have known what had been going on behind his smiles.

Jieun cried for a long time. Years worth of tears dried up on Seunghun’s white tee as she pulled back and wiped away the rest from her cheeks.

“Shit. I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you,” she sighed, her voice raspy from all that crying and the boy practically saw her build up her walls level by level as she composed her facial expressions and wiped away her smudged makeup. She was mentally running away, so the boy told her the only words he thought that could stop her.

"Jieun... you are the strongest person I know."

The girl blinked at him in disbelief, his reflection clear in her shiny eyes.

"Do you really still think that?" She asked ironically with the certainty of someone ragged and patched up, scars from her fall still fading into her pale skin. But to him, she had never been broken.

"Yeah, I really do," Seunghun nodded, convinced and genuine.

She had never looked stronger.

Seunghun was hovering over his textbooks in the pleasant warmth the coffee shop where Jinyoung worked provided when somebody stopped by his table. His first thought was the barista boy but the mellow female voice that greeted him proved him wrong. Even after months of knowing Jinah, sometimes the striking similarity of the twins still surprised him. Most likely because he had spent years without knowing about the other girl's existence. But now that he knew and the girl stopped pretending to be Jieun, it was also painfully obvious in just how many subtle ways they were different. It wasn't just about the lack of eyeliner – which Byounggon had noticed since day one –, but the way they styled their hair, the way they dressed or the way they talked. There was that warm smile on Jinah's face too that Jieun so rarely showed. Looking back it was impossible to not tell them apart.

"Hi, how's studying?" She asked, sounding sincerely curious as her fingers intertwined over her iced frappé.

"As okay as it can get," the boy shrugged, straightening his back, using her presence as an excuse to focus on something else other than the material. "And what are you doing here?"

"Just getting coffee while I wait for Gon to finish his shift," she explained and glanced at her watch, checking the time, before pointing at the chair across from Seunghun. "Can I join you until then?"

"Sure," the boy nodded, trying not to show any lingering awkwardness that remained from the time when she had been pretending to be Jieun. He wasn't angry at her anymore, he understood her reason no matter how wild it was but he still couldn't forget the confusion he had felt when he had thought he had been starting to lose Jieun to Byounggon only to realize that it hadn’t been her to begin with.

Small talk with Jinah wasn't as awkward as he thought though. He asked her about how she was holding up in the Korean summer weather and told her about his upcoming civil servant exam. Only when they seemed to run out of easy topics like that did she bring up her sister.

"Did Jieun tell you anything about Gon and me?" She asked, fidgeting with her napkin.

Seunghun furrowed his eyebrows. Why would they have talked about them? Was something up? Should he have known something? He thought things were going well.

"Uhm, no. Why?"

Jinah seemed a bit uncertain at the outright question. She was probably embarrassed to bring it up herself.

"She doesn't really like him, huh?" She whispered, tapping her nails against the glass. "And it's not like I need her approval but... she's still my sister, you know."

Well, Seunghun didn't know. He didn't have any siblings and up until last year he had no idea Jieun had. But after getting to know Jinah and their close bond with her twin despite being separated for years, he thought he understood why she felt that way.

"Jieun doesn't hate Byounggon or anything like that. They are just too similar in a way," he told her eventually, thinking of how vocal they both could be about their opinions, how fierce they could fight for their loved ones or how reckless they could be if they thought it was the right thing to do. They had similar enough personalities to clash because neither of them liked to be proven wrong... or seen vulnerable. They were the lone wolves that could lead packs. "Maybe the same reason why she doesn't think she is fit for happiness is why she would prefer if you stayed away from him."

Jieun was good at holding grudges but the one she forgave the hardest was herself. As if she didn't deserve it just because she made some honest-to-god mistakes.

"The same way she stays away from you?" Jinah asked and Seunghun's eyes widened, his ears on fire.

"Did she–"

"She didn't need to say anything, but I can tell that she is guarded whenever it's about you. She cares about you, a lot, but she doesn't want others to know," Jinah interrupted him before he could have asked and yeah, that sounded very much like Jieun. "While I was pretending to be her, I heard girls whispering that she didn't deserve you. That's also probably why she had 'bitch' written over her locker and who knows what else happened to her that made her think it would be a bad idea to… let you closer, I guess."

Seunghun hummed, more to himself than to her, his hands in fists, knuckles white in his lap. Was he a bad friend for not knowing about it? For thinking that something so petty couldn't get to Jieun?

He wasn't sure he had the right to ask more even if Jinah knew more, so he stayed silent and then watched Jinah's face brighten and following her gaze, he saw Byounggon by the door, with the same, small but happy smile on his face. They were so obviously in love that it made Seunghun wonder when it had stopped hurting for them.

Seunghun made a plan. It wasn’t a very thorough or foolproof plan but summer was ending and he really should have stopped being a coward. Life was short and he didn’t want to live with regrets.

He asked Jieun to meet at the playground in the park where they often hang out. This late it was empty and Seunghun was sitting on one of the two metal swings, enjoying the last of the summer breeze in his face. Jieun arrived with soft steps and a not so soft push on his swing. Her laughter that followed his yelp was a chime of bells in the night.

"So what's the occasion?" She asked, straight to the point, taking a seat next to him, not yet sensing his nervousness, so the boy decided it was better to just tip off the bandage.

"I thought we could get away from the city before you go back to school," he said once he was sitting up straight again. He reached into his backpack and handed her a return train ticket to Gangneung, her favorite beach town. She took it with a frown, her surprise morphing into something akin to embarrassment mixed with frustration. Not a good sign but the boy tried not to lose hope as he waited patiently for her to say something.

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to, I don’t know, trying to convince me that life is beautiful or whatever," Jieun scoffed but her fingers grazed across the paper ticket in her hands like it was something precious. Her addition almost sounded like resignation. "I don't want to die."

The not anymore echoed somewhere between them.

"I know. But I want to do these things with you," Seunghun insisted because it wasn't just about that. What happened to her made him realize that life was fragile and fleeting, he didn't have all the time in the world to wait around for a chance with her. He didn't want to procrastinate these plans anymore.

But it wasn't enough for Jieun, it never was. She liked logic and reasons and the truth.

"Why?" She asked firmly and Seunghun felt like he was held at gunpoint.

Because we are best friends sounded like a lie.

"I want to be the one you do these things with," he admitted and it sounded like a confession. He didn't plan it but his voice softened as he looked at her, his eyes were probably full of the longing he tried to hide so hard all these years because he knew she would reject him for a better or worse reason.

"Seunghun…" Jieun sighed and he thought this was it, she knew and she would reject him. Of course, she knew. He wasn't exactly subtle, even Jinah knew and she knew him for the least amount of time. Jieun looked at him and the boy held his breath, waiting for the blow. The invisible gun, aimed at his heart, fired. "You deserve better. I'm such a mess and a bad influence. You deserve a pretty girl who is kind and patient."

It didn't hurt as much as he expected. Jieun said nothing about her feelings or that his were ridiculous or one-sided. She just said what she thought was true because she had no idea how he saw her, how much he could thank her. She might not have been the conventional idea of pretty but to him, she was the prettiest. And bad influence? When it was her who pushed him to believe in himself and keep trying because he could do anything?

"I don't want anybody else," he said because he knew he couldn't have convinced her of anything else. “I like you.”

Jieun abruptly stood up from her swing and leaned over him, grabbing the metal chains to support herself just above his hands, her hair falling around them like a silk curtain and her warm breath fanning over his skin. Seunghun felt heat rush to his cheeks as he kept eye contact and warmth spread through his whole body from the point where her pinky brushed against his fingers.

"Why me?" Jieun asked and it was the most ridiculous question because the boy couldn't have said why it could not have been her.

The girl who had taken the blame when they had gotten caught being late from school because there had been a long queue for the waffle they had bought before classes. The one who had been there for more of his dance recitals than his own parents. The only one who had told him he could do it even when he hadn’t believed it. His safe place. His first love.

"It could never be anybody else," he whispered. He didn't mean it literally and she knew it. There were girls who had approached him before both in class and at the dance academy but he didn't care. To him, there was only Jieun.

"Idiot," she murmured but there was no edge to her words, only fondness. She sat back down on the swing next to him, feet kicking sand.

Seunghun turned to her, watching her expressions closely before he reached for her hand. First, he just tentatively held it, half-expecting Jieun to pull away, like she always did but when she didn't, he intertwined their fingers. They were both holding on.

What was love if not this? Feeling content just by sharing a space, this kind of closeness between two people? Knowing that by being vulnerable with them, they could hurt you and yet you willingly give them the power because you hope they wouldn't? Why? Because they love you too.

#cix angst #cix scenarios #seunghun angst #seunghun scenarios #cix seunghun #stories

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cixthotshit · 2 years

Text

Butterflies

Pairing: Yonghee x Femme Reader

Genre: One Shot, AU - Non-Idol Yonghee/University AU, Fluff

Summary: Tutoring sessions were for solving math problems, but with Kim Yonghee so close and patient, the fluttery feelings inside can't be ignored anymore...

Word count: 2.9k

Rating/Warnings: Mature/Not Beta Read, Sexual Themes: Kissing, Dry Humping, Body Touches, Sex Talk

Minors DNI! 18+ ONLY

Author’s Note: This was a request and THANK YOU SO MUCH Nonny!!!! I never thought anyone would send in a request! I'm so sorry it took me so long to fulfill your request. Personal life has been a lot T_T I'm not completely back from my hiatus, but I wanted to post this fic as a celebrations of sorts for FIX Day. IDK if I'll be around here for that.

I'm sorry for any mistakes or messing up OP's fantasy!

The air vent whirred loudly. She wiped the fridge door handle one more time, eyes glancing around the floor.

The tutoring session didn’t start until 6:00 PM but Yonghee always showed up five minutes early. Coat closet door squeaking as she threw the broom inside the dusty space.

The doorbell rang loudly. Chipped polish from the tips of her nails snagged at the loose tendrils she brushed behind her ears. Dragging her feet, she scanned for any messes she might have missed.

She made a vow to clean up after herself more routinely - instead of letting small messes clutter up until she had to worry about another human being seeing how she lived. Especially someone perfect. Smart. Put-together.

Yonghee.

Giving herself a few moments to catch her breath, adjusting the fit of her blouse as she stood beside the front door. Maybe it was too tight at the neck? Chest? She certainly wasn’t perfect.

Far from.

He was her tutor, helping her with her math homework, she couldn’t mess around with the idea of flirting with him. What she was concerned about wasn’t looking attractive to him. But she still had to present herself well. She couldn’t have her tutor thinking she was lazy.

Her chest felt bubbly, like she could float into the air when she opened the door. Hands in his trousers pockets, blazer unbuttoned, and red tie impeccably in place against his creaseless white button-up, Yonghee looked more like her professor than her classmate. His round black framed glasses gave off an otherworldly maturity as he nodded to her in greeting.

She could barely say more than a couple words to him as she let him in. His sparkling brown eyes lit up, jawline sharp as he smiled. Pearly white teeth shining, his high cheekbones heightening his handsome features. Almost lost in his beauty, she looked away.

“Are you thirsty?” She walked over to her small white refrigerator in her tiny kitchen. “I have water or apple juice. Or beer?”

“Water is fine, thanks.” His handling was careful as he set his shoes aside. Her body felt the familiar heat tingle up her stomach as Yonghee stood beside her, their shoulders touching as he washed his hands alongside her. “This soap smells good. Did you buy a new brand?”

“You notice things like that?” Her head ached as hot blood rushed up to her head, neck and cheeks burning. He’d licked his lips as he smiled, eyes downcast.

“You buy very good smelling soaps. I like this new scent too.”

Her blouse felt heavy as the sensation of the silky fabric brushed against her skin. She turned away, hands grasping the paper towels from the rack that sat beside her glass kettle. The heat of his body created goosebumps up her back as he grabbed his own paper towel, reaching around her.

She walked away from their close space together, getting two bottles of water out of her fridge. Watching him fold his damp paper towel before setting it down on the counter for reuse. He’d apologized profusely the first handful of times he kept throwing them into the trash after one use.

“How did your Geometry test go?” He sat to her left at the kitchen table. Her back faced the front door and living room.

Opening her Geometry book, she pulled out the five page quiz she took three days before. There were giant red marks all over the front page. A high, sweet whistle rang as he held her quiz up toward the lamp that sat behind him.

“73% is a lot better than 59%.” Body feeling like it was a hot summer day, her blouse was heavy against the tops of her breasts. “I know I could have done better. I keep confusing congruent and similar triangles.”

“That’s a great improvement.” His long fingers ran along the edge of the paper as he set it down. Her cheeks were ready to burst - like cherry tomatoes - his smile was sweet, eyes locking with hers. “Should we go over the questions you got wrong?”

Tucking her left foot under her right leg, she leaned over as Yonghee picked up his black mechanical pencil. His thumb circled the eraser at the bottom end a couple times before clicking down to push out the lead tip. Dark tendrils fell over his forehead, head tilted down at the quiz.

“Problem 4-” his pencil tapped against paper “-you forgot about the length of the third side. Despite being correct with the equal sides, that was the error.”

Stomach aching, like something was growing inside. Up her chest.

“I was so excited that I had written the equation down right, I can’t believe I forgot such a small thing.”

“Hey, it’s OK.” His hand was over hers. The tone in his voice had gotten even softer. Like a soft gust of wind. “Going over your mistakes is a good exercise. How else will you improve? A lot of people forget about the third side all the time.”

The pink shade of his lips were the same shade as the panties she wore, making her stomach tingle like butterflies had been unleashed inside of her. His smile always made his eyes sparkle, even though the light of the lamp was behind him.

Faking a cough, she freed her hand from his warm hold. Threw it over her mouth to look away. Hoping the sudden rush of butterflies inside would disappear. Wings thrashing against her chest and heart.

“I should write this down.” She pulled out her stack of yellow Post-It notes, clicking the end of her pen against the table with her free hand. Deep breath, hoping the butterflies would settle down.

For a while, they worked methodically together. He’d glance at the problem she got wrong, tell her where her mistake was, and she’d write down notes. The Post-It notes were placed inside her spiral notebook, each note having had Yonghee’s thick index finger gliding over it to make sure they remained adhered to her notebook.

Her eyes were strained. Mind unable to track how long they’d been working. The mole she marveled so much at the corner of his eye came into view as he tilted his head down, capturing her gaze. Pretty inkspot on his creamy skin.

“Are you tired? Should we do a stretch break?”

He pushed his chest into the air as he brought up his arms, stretching them over his shoulders, flexing his elbows before throwing his fists up into the air over his head. Butterflies tickling her belly as his broad shoulders cracked. He’d pulled his blazer off. Shoulders looking so broad in his bleach white shirt.

“Did you want coffee or tea?”

“No. It’s too late for caffeine.”

Tilting her head from side to side, she looked away from Yonghee’s gaze, eyes focusing on problem 36, one of the last problems she’d gotten wrong. Tension in her shoulders and neck loosened as the familiar cracking of her joints made noise when she rolled her shoulders back. Heat hit her cheeks as she locked eyes with Yonghee again.

“Nice.” He smiled, eyes crinkling up. His handsome features brightened into sweet affection. “I knew we needed a stretch break.”

“I don’t know why I’m so tense.”

It was because Yonghee was beside her, smiling his innocently perfect smile, smelling like fresh linen and dew. Looking sexier than every before with loose tendrils falling over his eyes. Her chest shook deep inside, the million of butterflies rushing round and round her heart.

His eyes moved down to the quiz that sat between their arms. She saw his lips moving but all she heard were noises, her mind unable to turn them into cohesive words. After a deep breath, her mind connected the noises with words.

Settle down, butterflies. Please, settle down.

“-in relation to the rectangle, not the triangles within it.”

“Oh, I see.” She licked her lips, nervous. She’d taken nothing in. If she asked him to explain again, he’d know she hadn’t been paying attention. Worst tutor student ever. “Thank you, Yonghee. You’re so sweet. Coming here and teaching me so late. I probably waste so much of your time being so slow learning Geometry. As you know, I’ve never been good at math.”

Mortified that she was babbling, she shifted her eyes down as his tongue licked his lips. They remained fixed on her blank Post-It notes as she thought of the pink dots she’d noticed flush up his cheeks. Her face was hot and her blouse felt heavy against her chest again.

The sensation of hot blood rushing up her head finally dissipated. The insides of her ears stopped hearing loud ocean waves crash around as she realized the room had been silent for much longer than a minute.

Yonghee had gone silent. The blurry corners of her limited vision were still, like he’d stopped moving too.

“Yonghee?”

“You will never waste my time. Every moment with you is special. No one cares for me like you do. I wish I could show you how much I want to care for you too. This tutoring is nothing.”

She finally set her pen down and tilted her head up. His eyes were darting back and forth gently, studying her face. As she felt a hand on her neck, she touched his neck too. His face was coming in closer. His eyes were closing, so she did the same. His lips warmed hers.

Her mind spun as the scent of his cologne filled her nose, infiltrating her mouth. Down her throat.

She wanted more as his tongue wet her lips. Humming gently before she pushed her own tongue against his. His large, soft thumb caressed her jawline. Glided down the side of her neck.

Fingers grabbing the collar of his shirt, she inhaled as she let him shove his tongue roughly into her mouth, moaning softly. Cool air touched her slickened lips as he broke their kiss.

Her fingers slipped down his arm as he pulled away, one hand touching her chin. She wanted to blurt out how much she’d been wanting to kiss him, but she felt tears welling up in her eyes. If she did anything, she might cry.

She shut her eyes, his lips over hers. The familiar musk and taste of sugary candy filled her senses. Hot tears pricked her eyelashes. Hands against his chest, she pushed him away, breathing heavily through her mouth.

Eyes wide, he mirrored her breathing as she stood. Grabbing his hands, she tugged, hoping he would stand up. Tongue licking his lips, he grinned as he stood, hands shooting to her hips as he stood.

“Oof!”

Her mind blanked. She lost sense of gravity - air leaving her lungs.

A moment passed as she realized her back had hit the wall, Yonghee’s sturdy body pressed against hers. Her mouth ajar, she inhaled dramatically, hands planted against his chest.

“Are you OK?” His eyes were soft, fingers caressing her cheek, tilting her head up to look him in the eyes. Nodding, she pressed her lips together. “Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes.”

His thumb brushed over her lips, making heat surge down her chest to her stomach. Eyes shut. Knees weak. Yonghee’s hips pressing against hers.

Biting her bottom lip, she bunched the fabric of his shirt into her fists. Their lips met again, his sweet kisses consuming her.

Wrapping her arms around his neck her finger raked through his soft tendrils. His tongue flicked against her lips with every kiss. She teased him; parting her lips the slightest bit with every tug from him. His gentle hum against her lips as he paused to press their lips together shook her sinuses, reverberating down her spine.

His lips on her neck, she bucked up against him. Breathing in deeply through her mouth. Knuckle lodged between her teeth, she bit down as her hold around him tightened, stifling a moan. His fingers massaged her flesh as they explored her back and hips.

When his fingers caressed the inside of her thigh, heat surged up her insides, making the heat between her legs noticeably warmer. She released him, hands back to his chest. Her whole body filled up with butterflies, her mind spinning with jumbled thoughts. As much as she wanted more, she firmly pushed against his chest, making him break their kisses.

“Have you had dinner?” Her fingers brushed the loose hairs away from his forehead.

“I’m not very hungry right now.” His stomach grumbled loudly between them as it shook against her front.

“Let’s order something.” She laughed as the apples of his cheeks flushed pink. “You need to eat.”

She sat down on the couch with her legs crossed in front of her, feet tucked underneath as she scrolled through her phone.

The local fish and rice restaurant sold a tofu and bamboo soup she enjoyed, and they also sold a boiled chicken and rice dish that was quite popular. With one arm around her waist, body resting against hers, he held her close. She was seated in the sun with him.

Her focus was barely hanging on by a thread as he cooed gentle affirmations into her ear, finger continually brushing her loose baby hairs away from her face.

“We don’t need to order rice. I have some.”

His lips warmed the pulse on her neck. A gentle “Mmm-hmm” vibrated against the front of her throat. She moaned, his tongue flicking her skin.

“I-I-I like boiled chicken. Do you want me to order some?”

“Yes.” His nose nuzzled against the back of her ear. His deep inhale sent shivers down her spine. “You smell like lavender and peony, so sweet. So warm.”

His fingertips’ strokes against her skin sent heat rushing down her neck. By the time she finalized the order, his lips were back on her neck, sending goosebumps down her chest and back.

“Yonghee.”

His lips were over hers. She grabbed his tresses to direct him into a better kiss. Her arms tightened around his neck as his arms parted her legs, settling himself between them.

She gasped against his lips as she felt the heat of his cock against her clothed center, the weight of his hips creating a heavy upwards friction that pushed against her labia.

“That feels so good,” she breathed against his lips, nails digging into the flesh of his neck.

“I don’t want to rush it,” he said softly.

“Liar!” She laughed as she pushed against his chest.

His eyes were heavily hooded as he planted his hands on her hips. Bucked his hips against her again, harder and faster.

She cried out, feeling her chest ache, gasping for air. Arms hooking under his armpits, she clung onto his shoulders as she thrust against his motions.

The friction sent waves of fiery heat deep into her core. Her insides were hot and wet. Sweat and arousal making her whole body tingle.

“Do you want to do more than this?” He quickened his thrusting, hands grabbing her wrists as she loosened her grip on him. She arched her back, hips no longer able to keep up with Yonghee. Her mind was filled with the pleasure of his cock throbbing and rubbing against her wet heat. “You’re so beautiful. So warm. Do you want more?”

“I-I-I can’t!” He stopped, breathing heavily as he held her arms down beside her shoulders. As he opened his mouth, she cut him off. “Th-this isn’t my first time, but I’m shy. I’m not just a girl you can sleep with.”

“I wouldn’t just sleep with you.”

“I’m not a naive girl, you know. I know a lot of guys say that.”

He got off of her, holding his hands out as he offered to help her sit up. Her cheeks flushed with heat as she watched him sit back in his seat, giving room between them.

“Don’t be silly.” She moved to wrap her arms around his waist, resting her head against his chest. “What plans do you have tomorrow?”

“I have an exam in my morning class, and then I’m free to study for the rest of the day.” One arm wrapped around her body as his free hand touched her chin, making her look up at him. “Will you join me for lunch? I want to spend time with you outside of our tutoring lessons.”

“What did you have in mind?” Her shoulders felt tense as heat rushed up her stomach to her chest.

“There’s a sushi place nearby here that sells melon shaved ice too.”

“That sounds nice. And afterwards, why don’t we come back here and do some more math?”

“You want to study?” His voice raised a few notes, making her laugh as she sat up to look at him.

“Add in you and me,” she began slowly, hand touching the front of his shirt, fingernail tapping against the top button of his shirt, “subtract our clothes, divide the energy it takes for you and me to have a good time-”

“-I get it, I get it.” His nose nuzzled against her cheek as his lips warmed her neck. “I’ll buy condoms and chocolates and…lube?”

“So romantic, Yonghee, you’re so calculated.”

“You’re not as good at puns as you think.”

“Coming from a math wiz, that doesn’t add up to much.”

She laughed into his lips as his hands were back at her wrists, his body pushing her to lie down onto the couch.

Body consumed with butterflies, she held onto him tight. Yonghee spun her world upside down, but he held her safe, hands holding hers tight, lips sucking her earlobe. A sweet sigh escaped her lips.

“Thank you for this tutoring session, Yonghee.”

---

Thank you for reading!!!

Love, CC ♣︎

#cix fanfic #yonghee x reader #yonghee x y/n #cix imagines #cix smut #cix #cix yonghee #cix fluff #cix scenarios #cix au #cix college au #college au

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astroyongie · 6 months

Text

CIX October Reading 2023

Note: please take it lightly and enjoy

Love: BX is currently single but still in love with his ex-partner and he doesn’t seem ready to move on or does he want to give up on them. He hasn’t been active in trying to win them back, he kinda just waits for them to come back to him

Career: he is still not over everything that has happened, and he feels like his name is still dirtied by all the rumors that have been going on around him. BX has probably thought about ending his career

Self: He has been very hasty lately and BX likes to talk big and say about things he will do and conduct but at the end of the day he doesn’t have the courage to do anything. He has been trying to self-express his feelings and no one hears him

Seunghun

Love: He is still dating that idol however their relationship is currently going through a huge conflict/argument that hasn’t been solved yet. I feel that Seunghun has been very upset about the whole thing

Career: He keeps a few secrets from the other members, because he knows, that if he speaks what he knows the group will fall apart. When it comes to his own career, Seunghun suffers a lot from impostor syndrome and he doesn’t think he is good compared to other vocalists (when it is so stupid because he has in my opinion, one of the best 4th gen vocals.)

Self: He has been struggling a lot with his health lately, both physical and mental. Seunghun is very exhausted from everything and I believe he has developed some paranoia as well with everything that happens in his life

Yonghee

Love: He is single but Yonghee is very demanded! He has been receiving a lot of confessions, either from other idols or people who aren’t idols. He haven’t accepted any for the moment since he has some many choices. He is taking time to evaluate things

Career: I believe that he doesn’t have much luck on his career, that because the main manager of the group doesn’t appreciate him much and they don’t have the best relationship either. Yonghee also has a hard time keeping his tongue inside his mouth.

Self: He is rather of a loner, he doesn’t like to hand out with people much and he is more on the introverted side but lately he has been learning about enjoying the sociable life

Jinyoung

Love: Definitely in a relationship but as said in previous readings, his relationship isn’t healthy at all and they are based on co-dependency from both parties since they feed each other’s unearthly habits

Career: Bae is rather lucky when it comes to his career and he is probably the only members that gets lots of money from the company compared to his teammates. He has a confirmed success and he also believes that CIX’s successes are because of him

Self: He keeps being stuck on his unhealthy habits and he doesn’t seem like he wants to stop (and I also don’t see that happening any time soon);

Hyunsuk

Love: single and completely bored by the idea of love. Hyunsuk is rather stuck on his ideals since what he wants, he doesn’t find. He is also very perfectionist and whenever a partner doesn’t get to his high stands he discard them.

Career: He went through a very tough period in his career but he is slowly regaining strength and doing better overall. He still believes that his group can be as close again as they were in the past if they are ready to work on it

Self: he is rather okay, healthy both physically and mentally which is a very good thing.

#CIX #CIX astrology #CIX tarot #CIX reading #CIX headcanons #CIX imagines #CIX scenarios #CIX reactions

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liamade · 2 years

Text

Leap of Faith ; Kim Yonghee

»»—pairing: kim yonghee x reader

summary: your boyfriend yonghee randomly calls you out late one night, the two of you sharing your worries as you take a leap of faith towards your futures

genre: fluff, light angst, high school senior au, boyfriend yonghee

warning(s): N/A

✧ word count: 2k

*.✧.*✧*.✧.*✧*.✧.*

The sound of your blanket ruffling fills your dark room as you roll onto your other side for the umpteenth time that night. You absentmindedly scrolled through tiktok, lazily smiling or laughing here and there as you waited for sleep to take you.

Your eyes snap to the top of your screen when you get a notification, the smile on your face growing without you even realizing it.

loml yong 🥰

Are you awake?

you

of course i am,, who would i be if i wasnt-

loml yong 🥰

Lol

Tiktok again?

you

you know me so well 🥺

but what are you doing up mr 10 hours of sleep

loml yong 🥰

Couldn't fall asleep unfortunately 💔

you

why whats wrong??

loml yong 🥰

...nothing

Just worried about that test in chem..

you

ooohhh

i dont know why you stress about those

you pretty much ace every test you take babe 🤕

loml yong 🥰

But what if this is the one time I fail?

That's all I can think about right now.. 🙃

you

heyhey your kim yonghee,,,, the smartest person i know alright >.>

you study all the time, youve got this okay?

and even if you fuck up this one time mr lim lets us retake :)

loml yong 🥰

*you're

But you're right, thank you ♡♡

you

😐

last time i try and help you

"*you're" 🙄🙄🙄🙄

loml yong 🥰

Lmao sorry, I couldn't help it

you

😒

loml yong 🥰

Your parents are sleeping, right?

you

yeah why-

loml yong 🥰

Come outside 😊

Your eyes widen as you drop your phone on to your pillow, kicking off the blanket and running to your bedroom window.

Peering outside, you could see a man in a hoodie standing under a streetlight, leaning against it as he stares down at his phone screen. A gasp escapes your lips—though the guy was turned away from you, you could recognize the matching dog hoodie to your cat one anywhere.

Wasting no time, you rush over to your closet, grabbing whatever sweater you could get your hands on before shoving your phone into one of the pockets.

You slowly creaked open your door, sneaking through the hallway and down the stairs, cringing every time one of the floorboards attempted to snitch on you. Soon, you were outside and immediately blasted with the crisp 12 a.m. air.

"Yonghee!" you called out as you all but skipped in his direction.

"Hey," he greeted simply as he turned to look at you, "..you're wearing the pajamas I got you."

"Of course," you hugged him before leaning back to give him a once over, admiring how beautiful he always looked, even in the simplest clothes, "just like you're wearing the hoodie I got for your birthday~"

"Of course," he copied you, eye smile on display as he habitually took one of your hands into his own, his cold skin sending a slight chill down your back.

"Anyways, what are you doing out this late?"

"I told you I couldn't sleep.." He looks away, lost in thought as something hard to pin swirls in his eyes—a small seed of worry is planted in your stomach as you silently rub your thumb on the back of his hand, waiting for him to continue. His eyes are back on yours as whatever quiet storm they carried seconds before seems to settle. He lifts his other hand into view, a rustling capturing your attention. "I brought us snacks."

You stared at him with pouted lips, wishing you could read his mind and pick his brain for whatever was bothering him. Though you loved spontaneous moments like this with him, Yonghee wasn't generally that—he always meticulously planned things like your dates just to make sure you're happy and have as much fun as possible—so, for him to show up outside of your place at a time he'd usually be sleeping...

"Why're you staring at me like that?" he asked, breaking you out of your own thoughts. The smile stretched on his face now was one of smoke and mirrors—something you could see through.

You shook your head in response, though, because even if you could tell he was hiding his sadness away, he'd tell you eventually when he figured things out within himself. He always did.

So you stuck a smile of your own onto your face, hands immediately going for the bag as you stuck your head in to look inside, "oooh~ What'd you get?"

He was laughing now as he passed the bag to you so you could get a better look. "All of your favorites. I did good, right?"

You pecked his cheek as you excitedly pulled out a bag of chips. "Without fail, my lucky star."

"Lucky star?" He questioned, taking a seat on the curb and wiping down the spot beside him for dirt and pebbles so you could sit beside him.

"Don't ask," you responded with a laugh, already chomping away at your chips, "it just feels right."

The two of you soon fell into a comfortable silence, something you've become accustomed to since the two of you met at the beginning of freshman year almost four years ago.

You were stumbling around the halls, eyes desperately searching the walls for any clue as to where the hell your first period class was. It was the second week of the first semester so everyone else had the gist of their routes—except you. You being you, of course, this was only your first day as you ditched the entire first week. It was hard for you to make friends and unfortunately for you, none of your middle school friends came to this school; it was safe to say you weren't excited to start high school so you'd ditch whenever you got the chance.

Then there was Yonghee, some random kid who decided to help you out.

Yonghee was pretty much the opposite of you when it came to this whole school thing—he was diligent, even went to the freshmen orientation and everything. You were lucky that he noticed you, that your first period on that day was the same class, that he unknowingly let you attach yourself to his hip.

"Hey, y/n?" He called out to you, pulling you away from your reminiscent thoughts.

You simply hummed in response, glancing at him as you went back into the bag in front of you for another snack.

He paused for a second, toying with the promise ring around his finger that gleamed under the street light: it was something he got the two of you last year for your 2nd anniversary. It always made something well inside you when you notice him wearing it.

"Have you.. sent in your applications yet?" He quietly asked, big, curious eyes watching for your answer. They overwhelmed you, making you turn away as you looked up at the moon.

"Nope." You answered simply.

"'Nope'? You know the window closes soon, right? You should turn them in..."

You let out a puff of air that mimicked a laugh, but completely void of humor. "I'm not going to college."

His body was fully turned to you now, his eyes even wider than before from the shock of your words and how casually you said them. "You're not going? What do you mean you're not going??"

"I mean.. I'm not going, Yong. I'm taking a gap year, figure out what I wanna do, whether or not I wanna spend another four years suffering through school."

"And your parents said okay to that?"

"Of course not- I haven't even told them yet; they'd kick me out."

"Y/n…" he trailed off as his head spun from everything you just dropped on him.

You sighed, turning to face him with a small smile—though you understood his concern, you were dead set on your decision, already having thought it over at least a thousand times. "Hey, it's fine, alright? I'll get a job, stay with Jooyoung—you know her parents love me~"

Yonghee simply stared at you, not even knowing how to process it all or what to say in response. His face just fell further into a worried frown.

Your smile grew as you lifted a finger to his forehead, pressing at the space between his eyebrows to smooth out the crease, "I'll be fine, I promise, okay? Enough about me; have you done your apps?"

And there was that storm in his eyes again…

He looked away with a sigh of his own, "Yeah, a few Ivy's and um… an arts school."

"An.. arts school?"

"For acting- it's stupid, isn't it?" He lets out a pitiful laugh as he lowers his head to his arms that rested atop his knees.

"Not in the slightest, babe," You placed a hand in his hair, gently combing through it because you knew he loved that, "I just didn't know you were seriously into acting—I thought your theatre class was just for the credit?"

"It is… theatre isn't for me. I wanna be on a screen.. in dramas like-"

"Like Park Hyungsik?"

He lifted his head to look at you, unable to hold in a laugh when he met your sparkling eyes at the mention of Hyungsik, "if that's what you want, then sure."

"But in all seriousness though, Yong, I believe in you to make it. You've already got the face of an actor," you pinch his cheek as he blushes at your compliment, "you've got endless talent, a drive to do better all the time- if anyone's gonna be the next big actor, it's going to be you."

The smile Yonghee flashes your way this time felt like a blast of sunlight through the temporary reign the moon held on the sky. It was blinding, made your heart beat like crazy, and you knew that no matter how long you end up with him, you'd never get used to his beautiful smile.

"I feel like I can take on the world with you by my side." He whispered out, his voice honey sweet as he gazed at you.

You weren't able to handle him looking at you like that so you thought of the most moment-ruining thing you could do: fake vomit. You started dramatically gagging as you scooted away from him.

"What? What'd I say??"

You feigned disgust as you glanced at him, "how do you always manage to say the cheesiest things without realizing it?"

He rolled his eyes at you yet that pretty crescent sun stayed etched on his face. "Whatever just come back over here or else I'll have to eat all these snacks by myself."

You were quick to cuddle into his side, resting your head on his shoulder as you hugged his arm.

"Y/n?"

"That's me, yeah."

"Can you promise me something?"

You slightly pulled away from him to peer into his face, his eyes already on you, "I've been making a lot of promises tonight, but sure, what is it?"

"Promise me," he started before his hand hesitantly came up to cup the side of your face, making sure you didn't turn away from him as he spoke, "that no matter what happens.. we'll always be together, even if it's just as friends. I can't imagine my life without you in it now."

You could feel your cheeks blossoming red as you tried to stutter out a response, taken aback by the seriousness in his expression and words, "I- um- yeah.." Your hand raises to his own, your finger lightly rolling his cold ring against your cheek, "that's what these rings are for though, right?"

Yonghee didn't verbally respond but you could see the love he held for you color his dark eyes under this bleak night sky. His eyes shone much like his smile, but whereas his smile was like the rays of the sun, his eyes were the light that reflected off the ocean—it brought a subtle, but steadily growing warmth to your world.

So you kissed him. You kissed him to express all the love you held for him, love that he filled you with whenever he could, love that you were more than happy to give back.

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oraclekleo · 1 year

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Hyunsuk (CIX) Kinky Tarot Reading

Disclaimer:

All celebrity readings have purely entertainment nature

I don’t know any of the celebrities personally

Don’t base life decisions purely on tarot readings

I can never guarantee any of what’s said in the reading

Reading Info:

Rating: 18+

Reading Type: Single - Couple

Requested: Yes - No

Requester: /

Deck(s): Edgar Allan Poe Tarot

Spread: Kinky Reading

Questions:

Position

Libido

Turn On

Kink

Dirty Secret

Celebrity Info:

Full Name: Yoon Hyun Suk

Stage Name: Hyunsuk

Group: CIX

DOB: 08.09.2001

Blood Type: B

MBTI: ENFP

Sun Sign: Virgo

Chinese Sign: Metal Snake

Life Path Number: 2

Masterpost: CIX

Hyunsuk (CIX)

Full Name: Yoon Hyun Suk Stage Name: Hyunsuk Group: CIX DOB: 08.09.2001 Blood Type: B MBTI: ENFP Sun Sign: Virgo Chinese Sign: Metal Snake Life Path Number: 2

Spread / Question: Kinky Reading Deck(s): Tarot of Mystical Moments

Position - 2 of Pentacles

Hyunsuk is a bit of a juggler when it comes to relationships. He’s something of a chameleon; he can balance his lover in all aspects. He likes to play, push all the buttons and then play an innocent angel. On the other hand, if he’s given a task, he’s likely to complete it, even when he might be a bit of a brat about it. He’s not really a dom in a relationship but he’s not a complete sub either. He’s likely to take his share of responsibility if he’s asked to do so, although if his lover is the caretaker type, Hyunsuk will happily leave everything to them. He might have a thing for being corrupted a bit by his lover.

Libido - 3 of Swords

Normally I would say that Hyunsuk’s heart is broken and he feels no passion here but to be honest with you, I’m getting a completely different vibe here. Hyunsuk is a bit of a thief of hearts and womaniser (or men eater) himself. I mentioned before that he likes to play and he might have playboy tendencies. Hyunsuk knows how to charm people he likes and he knows how to pull them on a string as long as he pleases and then just cut them off, forget about them once he’s bored and leave them in tears, none the wiser what actually happened. While he likes to play like this, Hyunsuk isn’t really that passionate and sensual lover. Tricking somebody’s mind, playing with their heart, feels sort of more arousing than the act itself. I’m getting the vibes that sometimes Hyunsuk might find sex even boring and tedious. It’s really a strange idea I’m getting with him so please, if you disagree with me here, feel free to tell me. Maybe I’m getting wrong signals.

Turn On - 4 of Swords

Once again I’m getting a strange but very specific idea here. Hyunsuk is likely to feel attracted to someone mature, yet vulnerable when it comes to their experience. It might even be an older person but for some reason they haven’t dated much in their life. Imagine someone who got married young, lived with their spouse, now they are going through a divorce and out of the blue, here comes Hyunsuk to steal their heart and sanity. This type of person wouldn’t notice Hyunsuk’s mind games immediately and at the same time they would be likely mature and willing to pamper him. Until the moment Hyunsuk is fed up with them, of course. What a hyena, this young man is. I’m starting to like him. Lol!

Kink - Queen of Cups

I have already said that Hyunsuk finds regular love-making dull and is more likely to enjoy the process of seduction than the fruits of it. However, even such a cold hearted monster (I’m joking) has a kink. Hyunsuk is likely to especially enjoy being babied by his lover. If they are willing to actually play this role, and it’s possible that Hyunsuk will go into details and have elaborate scenarios for them, they will be rewarded by his passion eventually. I’m not sure if this kink is some sort of reaction to maybe abandonment issues, Hyunsuk might still have unresolved. Maybe his parents couldn’t give him as much attention as he wanted from them. It would make sense for him to quickly dump his lovers in fear of them doing it first but these are dangerously deep waters and I don’t really want to go there in this reading.

Dirty Secret - 3 of Pentacles

I mean… I don’t want to explore my hypothesis, but it kinda all makes sense. Hyunsuk is secretly hoping for someone to come and mend his unfinished soul structure, patch the wounds and help him to actually mature. He’s probably aware of his issues but it’s not an easy task to cope with them on his own, especially in such a stressful environment like the entertainment industry. Don’t take me wrong, he’s not really falling apart or breaking down. He’s only not completely done with growing up, yet, and he probably dreams of a person who could help him get there.

Aww! Look at him! I mean I know what demon he is and I would still hug him and give him home made cookies. 🤣

Just joking. Honestly, this is one of those readings where I feel it strongly but my better judgement is shaking head. Please, feel free to disagree with me regarding Hyunsuk. Maybe there were some solar storms disturbing my intuition or something. 😊 Take this reading with a huge grain of salt.

Thank you for reading!

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yv17 · 2 years

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a/n: cix comeback was announced and i CANNOT WAIT. it's gonna be another bop (as always because they never miss) ^-^ and idk if this work makes any sense but yeah, i was falling asleep while writing this so it probably has a lot of mistakes, sorry :((

[00:59] "uh, jinyoung? i think you accidentally messed up my order."

jinyoung's head snapped in your direction, looking at you as you took the food out of the bag. you were hanging at cix's dorms as usual, you and the boys deciding that a movie night might be a nice way to spend your time. and since jinyoung lost the game of rock paper scissors - which was definitely not the only way the boys would decide on different things - this time he was the one to order food for all of you.

and he just had to accidentally take yonghee's order two times.

all of the boys turned their attention towards the two of you, knowing you'll probably be upset by jinyoung's mistake, since you were a picky eater. the boy gave you no time for any comments of disappointment, though, as he quickly ran to your side and took the box from the bottom of the bag, the one he saved for himself.

"here, you can have mine" he said, handing the box over to you, a small smile on his face. you couldn't see it, due to the lighting in the room, but the way your eyes lit up at his offer made the tips of his ears turn red. "you always steal it from me anyways, and since it's my mistake, i'll eat the wrong order."

you smiled brightly, giving your best friend a quick but warm hug and mumbling a small 'thank you' under your breath, only to grab his hand and drag him to the couch, where the other boys were currently seated.

the movie started and all six of you sat down to enjoy your food, trying to not make too much noise so you could clearly hear everything happening in the movie. jinyoung sat at the very corner, slowly munching on the food, when he heard yonghee shifting in his seat next to him.

"dude, you literally hate all the food i order" he whispered looking at the other boy with his head tilted to the side "and it's one of y/n's favorite meals. you simp for her this hard, yet you didn't knew it?"

you couldn't help but hear yonghee's comment amongst all the chaos happening on the tv screen, and the realization hit you. bae jinyoung, the boy every single girl would've killed to have, your best friend, liked you.

you tried to ignore that for the rest of the night. when it came time to wash the dishes, you were the first one to stand up, already heading to the kitchen with half of the plates in your hands. and, much to your satisfaction, jinyoung followed right after, offering to lend a helping hand.

the two of you did the chore in silence, but you could feel the occasional stares he would send in your direction.

"you know, for someone who's always trying to keep his cool guy persona, you're very obvious about staring at me" you said, not even looking up from the plate you were cleaning, and jinyoung froze in his actions.

"you don't seem to be complaining, though" he said, trying to hide the fact that he was in fact incredibly nervous; which you could see clearly, because as much as his face said nothing, the tips of his ears were still red.

and this time you caught that.

taglist: @honey-choi @moonarix @triuusi <3

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#bae jinyoung x reader #bae jinyoung #kpop x reader #cix x reader #cix fluff #cix scenarios #cix drabbles #cix jinyoung #cix x you #cix x y/n #bae jinyoung x you

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restlessmaknae · 11 months

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never forever [jinyoung]

Just as much as you would have liked to delude yourself into thinking that you could have anything together with prince Jinyoung, it would be simply impossible as long as you were a servant and he was a prince. Which meant that you could never do so.

➳ Characters: prince!Jinyoung x female court lady!reader/you

➳ Genre: romance, angst, fantasy, magical realism, kingdom au

➳ Words: 11.8k

➳ Warning: mentions of minor character deaths, poison, political tension, attacks

➳ A/N: This story had the most votes in my poll, so I hope it lives up to your expectations. 🥰 It can be read on its own or with Seunghun's story that took place before this one. ❤️

➳ CIX taglist: @wccycc, @dat-town

When you had been younger, your favourite word had been ‘forever’. Warmth had always invaded your heart when you thought of this particular word, and how your parents had promised each other that they would love each other forever. Your mother had told you multiple times too that her love was not only infinite towards your father but you as well. Forever was like a precious friend to you, a little gem that you would try to keep safe as much as you could, holding it close to your heart, holding it dear.

Then, forever had turned to never when your mother had died. When you had realised that you would never see her again, your world had shattered, the little gem slipping through your fingers, falling to the ground and breaking into tiny pieces. Even though your father had reassured you that your mother would love you even from the spirit realm, you hadn’t been convinced because forever had seemed so far away. You had decided that it was stupid to have a word that didn’t make sense. After all, forever didn’t exist.

You had been 6 at that time. Your mother had been a lady-in-waiting to the Queen at the royal palace, so you hadn’t seen her during the week, only on the weekend. You had spent your days at home reading books and practising writing while your father had been teaching his pupils in a different room. He had been a great scholar, teaching those at your home who could not afford the institutions he had taught at most of the time. For some time, you had resented the royal family for keeping your mother away from you when you had known all too well that your mother had been deeply grateful for the royal court for providing her with a high status job and a very decent pay that allowed her to shower you in gifts.

On the other hand, when your mother had died, and the court had organised your mother a funeral, more glorious (thus more heart-wrenching) than you could have ever imagined, your feelings had completely changed. When the Queen had come up to you afterwards and lowered herself down to be at eye-level with you (disregarding the gasps from the court ladies around her, warning her of her dress potentially becoming smudged because of the muddy ground), your tears had fallen even more fervently. You had wanted nothing more than to hide during the ceremony, so to be seen and acknowledged by the Queen herself brought on a handful of different emotions.

“When I was around your age, I also lost my mother. I thought of it as a great shame on top of being a great loss. A young girl growing up without a mother? I thought people wouldn’t take me seriously, they wouldn’t look at me for who I am, they would always see the girl without a mother,” she had shared, and you had watched her with tears streaming down your face, your mouth slightly agape. You hadn’t heard of the Queen losing her mother at such a young age, but you had been young, and your parents hadn’t told you stories about the royal family back then.

“And they did?” You had asked between little sobs that reverberated through your body.

The Queen had given you a gentle smile, and you had wondered if all mothers smiled the same - so lovingly, so forgivingly, so reassuringly. Her smile hadn’t been exactly like your mother’s, but you could feel the genuine affectionate behind the delicate curve of her lips, something that mirrored your own mother’s. The kind of smile that parents gave you when you admitted that you did something wrong, but all that mattered to them was that you were safe and sound.

“No,” she had shaken her head. “I proved them wrong, and I showed them what I can do regardless of what happened. You can do, too,” she had added so confidently that your little heart had welcomed the undeniable hope that her words had brought along, newfound warmth spreading through your veins until you had realised that…

“But… I am not a royal.”

“Where you come from doesn’t matter, whether you have a positive impact on just one person or a whole nation doesn’t matter either. You are valuable as you are,” the Queen had pointed out, her words like a wise scholar’s. You had just blinked at her, wide-eyed and amazed, and you hadn’t even realised that you had stopped crying in the meantime, you had been so focused on what she had been saying.

You had been so awestruck that you couldn’t have spoken up, and you didn’t remember whether it had been what had prompted the Queen to bid her goodbye or she had been told by her court ladies to presume her duties for the day, but you remembered one thing very clearly.

That day, you had decided that you would have a positive impact on the Queen’s life, and you would try to be there for her just as much as she had been there for you at that time. So when a year later, the royal court had announced that they would hold their annual recruitment day for new servants, you had applied.

You had read every book on royal etiquette, you had learned embroidery, sewing and all sorts of activities that might be tested during the recruitment process in that year, determined on making the cut. You hadn’t even been the youngest candidate, there had been girls as young as 5 trying to secure a future for themselves (or more like pressured by their families), but you had been dedicated for a different reason: to serve the royal family and to repay them for all they had done for your family including sending your mother on her last journey so graciously.

Even though you hadn’t succeeded on the first try, you had done so a year later. Since then, you had been trying to live up to your mother’s memory, hoping that she would be proud of how you were serving the royal family, living to make their lives as comfortable as possible, living for them.

Little did you know, one day, that would be the exact same reason you would feel so torn to fall in love.

The first few years at the palace, you spent learning. Then, you applied what you learned. Then, you practised everything over and over again until you wouldn’t make a mistake. Finally, as years went by, your service to the palace became a valuable treasure, an important part of the operations. Your loyalty and diligence meant that you were keen on doing the best you could, and your perseverance didn’t waver even in hard times.

However, no matter the many lessons and learnings during those years, the greatest teacher and the dearest compliment you could get for your hard work was when you could upgrade your rank. After 15 years of service and being over the age of 20 meant that you could rightfully start serving one of the royal family members directly or one of those who stayed at the palace. For instance, a few girls who were at the congratulatory ceremony beside you would assist the royalty that were visiting the palace from time to time, and two of those now stayed beside a princess who came from a kingdom further up north, who was currently spending her time in exile at your court. Due to the trade agreements and favourable business partnerships, it wasn’t uncommon to provide a shelter or a hiding place for those who came from different kingdoms, but couldn’t stay in their own residence for whatever reason.

You, on the other hand, were assigned to the Queen herself, and even though you would never brag about your conversation with the Queen at your mother’s funeral ceremony, you knew that the smile she gave you when she handed you your new gown and your matching hairpin - engraved with a lotus symbol for prosperity and a dragon mimicking the ones that guarded the palace for safety - was telling tales about her positive feelings towards your future services.

After an elderly lady-in-waiting had passed away, two female servants took her place including you. You knew that you were still fairly young compared to the other court ladies, but you had been serving at the palace for so long already, and you excelled at every task they had given you. You knew though that the major reason that you had been assigned to the Queen was because you could read and write well, something that would be needed to discreetly handle the letters the Queen received and sent.

However, following the Queen almost everywhere meant that you had more interactions with the other royal family members and those who were close to them - soldiers in higher up ranks, master magicians and magical creature tamers. In passing by, you caught glimpses of the royal family members while serving them in the past years, but that couldn’t be compared to the experience of being in the same room with them, to see them from up-close.

When you first accompanied the Queen to the practise field where prince Jinyoung was receiving his training, you realised that he still lived in your memories as someone around your height with a cheeky smile when he was running around the court, making his nannies run after him, and you were taken aback by his height and his built now. He was tall and slender, but when he reached his sword out to attack, his muscles clearly showed through the thin fabric he wore. Drops of sweat rolled down his cheeks while he was concentrating, and his features were solemn and hard.

His practice partner was Seunghun - a soldier you saw around the court frequently. Rumour had it that he was courting one of the medics, but you didn’t know whether to believe that because all sorts of gossip were flying around. Besides, others’ love life was none of your business, but since you and Seunghun had joined the court around the same time, you knew him and his way of talking to the ladies - all smooth and flirtatious. He had that cheekiness to him even when he was younger, no wonder he was on good terms with the prince.

The Queen halted by the side of the field, and you did, too, a few steps away from her. The prince and the soldier were so engrossed in their practice battle that they didn’t even take notice of her presence until they finished with their round of sword fight, Seunghun coming out as the winner.

“What is the purpose of today’s practice?” The Queen raised her voice, confident and unwavering, while looking at the boys. Seunghun didn’t fail to bow upon seeing her, but his grin was still a bit cocky when he helped the prince to his feet.

“Just some… friendly duel, Your Majesty,” he answered joyfully, and he patted the prince’s shoulder when prince Jinyoung straightened up. “Even if he were to be seriously hurt, one of our great medics would tend to his wounds,” he added in a friendly manner, but you could hear the Queen’s voice hardening when she spoke up.

“Not so much if he can help it himself.”

“Of course,” the soldier’s smile faded immediately, and he bowed his head apologetically. Prince Jinyoung tensed a bit beside his friend, but his eyes were trained on his mother, not on his friend. You didn’t spend enough time around him to tell what his eyes could show, but you had a feeling that he wasn’t that delighted about the Queen’s words. If your assumption about his power was right, you knew why.

“Well then, keep going,” the Queen made a waving gesture with her hands, indicating that they could move on, and turned on her heels to head back to the palace. You bowed to the prince and soldier alongside the other servants, signalling your departure.

Afterwards, you waited for the older ladies to follow suit as they were the first to follow behind, you were supposed to be the last as you were the youngest one. Even though your rank was the same as theirs, age order was still important.

You took a few steps forward when you felt your hair loosen, and you instinctively reached for the back of your neck, gasping when you couldn’t feel your hairpin. You were about to turn around just at the same time as a figure slid into your vision, and put your lotus and dragon carved hairpin into your hands. It was for the briefest of a second, so was his rough touch, but you felt like you could feel the ghost of it on your skin even after he yanked it away.

Your eyes frantically went to the figure’s face, and you were about to open your mouth to thank him, but he put his index finger on his lips. Why couldn’t you thank prince Jinyoung for helping you out? Why wouldn’t you?

You were so baffled by his indication that words died on the tip of your tongue, and he was out of your reach as quickly as he ran up to you, so there was no way you could go after him. You were already behind the other servants, so you needed to catch up to them.

However, as you were hurrying after them, you looked back at the field, the prince and the soldier already in another round of a fight, no remains of the recent incident, only the ghost of his touch on your hand and the mystery in his pitch-black eyes when he handed you your hairpin.

In a magical kingdom like yours, you were grateful that you could be of help to the royal family even though you didn’t possess magic. The magic in your kingdom lied in healing, hence there were two types of medicine in your kingdom: magical and non-magical medicine. Magical medicine was mostly used on the members of the royal court including the royal family and the royal army, plus magical creatures that lived in the woods or in the mountains - such as fairies, unicorns and such - or serving the kingdom - such as dragons guarding the palace.

Non-magical medicine, on the other hand, was used on humans to treat their wounds, and that was what most medics practised outside of the palace, though it was applicable at the court as well in non-emergency cases and subtle illnesses. Magical medicine was also extremely rare since only magical practitioners could deal with it because they were the ones born with the ability to tame magic, but even they needed thorough practice and extensive training to be able to make use of their abilities to their full potential. Magical medics were also almost exclusively serving at the palace. The royal family was also said to be possessing magic in their veins, though they didn’t have to use it on themselves because the most powerful magicians were already in their court, serving them.

Neither of your ancestors had magic, so it was unlikely that you would, but having a scholar as a father and a royal servant as a mother meant that you knew that you could use other skills and strengths to your advantage, so you never felt any less than those who were born with magic. You were merely in awe at what some people could do, and when you could see for yourself how magical medics worked at the palace, you were mesmerised. Even if the Queen had a headache, not a physical injury, all the medic needed to do was place their hands above her core - the centre of her energy - and she was healed, though advised rest for the night.

For that reason, you could leave the Queen’s chamber earlier than usual after helping her to bed, and while the rest of the ladies were heading to their own rooms in the courtyard, you were staying back to stroll around the garden that separated the palace from the court. A part of the garden was reserved for the royal family only, but the other was accessible by everyone, and you liked walking around the pond dotted with a palette of colours, a different type of fish hiding behind each distinctly shaped creature, water lilies breaking the smooth surface of the water and lanterns lighting up the sideways like little stars on the sky.

When you walked these parts of the palace, you wondered if your mother had been the same. She hadn’t really talked about her time at the palace - what she was doing when she wasn’t on duty, how the place looked like and what was her favourite part of the court -, if she did, she only talked about the Queen and her admiration towards the woman. Ever since being part of the court though, you couldn’t help but imagine your mother walking down the same path, looking at the little bridge connecting the path to a pavilion as you did now, walking the same corridors and feeling the same sense of belonging as you did now.

“I hope you’re proud of me, mother,” you mumbled to the dark sky above you that seemed like a blanket covering the palace grounds, your words carried away by the gentle breeze of this fine spring night. You hoped that she was at peace in the spirit realm, and looked over you fondly. No matter how many years had passed by, there was still a part of you that missed her.

With a resigned sigh, you looked down at the pond in front of you, and decided to leave. However, as you were about to walk back, you crossed paths with prince Jinyoung who seemed to be walking around as well. You were surprised that he was alone, no soldiers guarding him, but maybe he had time to himself at these late hours just like the Queen did after you left her in her chambers.

“Your Highness,” you greeted him immediately, bowing out of respect. When you straightened your back, you looked up at the prince, and he was already looking at you, his deep, dark eyes boring into yours. It seemed that he was about to say something, but he changed his mind, and pressed his lips into a thin line. You blinked up at him, uncertain what to do or what to say for it was scarce that you were alone with a royal family member. In fact, it was the first time that it was just the two of you, and the thought sent a shiver down your spine.

“Are you done for the day?” Prince Jinyoung broke the silence after clearing his throat, and your heart was both heavy and light upon his question. You didn’t know what you had expected him to say or if you had expected anything, but his inquiry still caught you off-guard. In a positive way.

“Yes, Your Highness.”

He bobbed his head, acknowledging your words, and you had a feeling that he wanted to say something but couldn’t this time either. Or maybe it was because he seemed so out of reach usually; the mighty, ethereal prince Jinyoung who was said to be cool-headed and reasonable, a great fighter and a hard-worker in whatever he did. He was said to excel in everything, making him the perfect heir to the throne. From a young age, he had the watching eyes of the people, the weight of the kingdom’s future on his shoulders, and a responsibility that could crush anyone, let alone a boy so young. In passing, he had always seemed so composed, knowing exactly what to do and what to say, and you had heard only good things about him.

On the other hand, he seemed so humane now. A human being searching for the right words to say with secrets in his heart and mysteries in his eyes. Libraries of tales were about him, but when he was standing there in front of you in his white royal attire, he seemed nothing more than a boy around your age. The thought soothed your nerves and scared you at the same time.

You shouldn’t look at him that way, you work for the royal family after all.

“Well then…” You broke the silence that fell upon the two of you, bringing him out of whatever stupor he was under. “Good night, Your Highness!” You bowed yet again, ready to continue your walk to the court.

Nonetheless, before you were out of hearing range, the prince spoke up, though his eyes weren’t trained on you, but on the pond in front of him.

“Your mother would be proud.”

The words made you halt and turn to the prince who was examining the water as if he was pondering how to describe the sight properly. The lanterns lit up the way of the footpath, and amongst them, one was shining directly onto him, and now with you in the shadows of a nearby tree, and him in the light, you wondered how the two of you from two different worlds could be having this conversation now.

“How… How do you know about my mother?” You blinked in confusion. You didn’t believe that he could have heard you before, but maybe he could.

“You are not the only one who likes to go to the pond late at night,” he replied without any shame or any cheekiness in his voice as he turned towards you, and even though you were further away than before, you could see the end of his lips curling upwards. Before you could grasp onto this moment though, the prince turned on his heel and walked towards the pavilion, walking away from you and from the light that was shining onto him.

Afterwards, it happened a few more times that you and prince Jinyoung met in the garden, around the pond. Truthfully, when you hadn’t been serving the Queen, and you had been working in the courtyard instead of the palace, you had come to the pond, but not so late at night. However, it felt good to take a bit of a walk somewhere aside from the walls within the palace, and the garden was truly mesmerising under the moonlight. So you could believe that you hadn’t crossed paths with the prince before because you had been walking around at different times.

On the other hand, despite knowing that you might meet him in the garden these days, you didn’t back away. After all, you weren’t doing anything shameful, and no one else was around, so rumours couldn’t fly around regarding you two. At least, you tried to tell yourself such reasonable words, but you were conflicted just how far this could go. A court lady and a prince talking late at night around the pond? No matter how many times you told yourself that this wasn’t wrong, you felt oddly at unease whenever you heard something crackling or murmurs rippling the night air - even from far away.

Yet, when you were in the act of talking to the prince, you couldn’t feel more at ease. Talking to him felt natural and he didn’t seem so distant while sharing stories with you even though you two came from very different backgrounds. Beside you, he seemed like a boy turning into a young man, knowing the responsibilities of his actions yet letting the childish side in him come to the surface when his duties didn’t call for something else.

Not to mention that it was, in a way, fluttering to be able to talk to him in the first place, let alone get to know him. You realised that he was both very different and not so different from you. He didn’t care about your rank, or that you might tell others about what he was telling you because he trusted you enough, and you trusted him the same. Maybe this was why he was open to talk about the disruptions in the kingdom, and how much the royal family would try to protect peace within its borders.

And maybe this was why he wanted to let you know about the secret you had suspected some time ago.

“The truth is, I don’t have magic,” he blurted out one time after silence had taken over the two of you.

You had been looking at the ripples across the pond, watching the many colours dance under its surface, hiding fish in all shapes and sizes, but your eyes found their way to the prince’s delicate features when he spoke up. He looked ahead of himself, his lips pressed into a thin line, and it wasn’t a different image from his usual self. However, instead of his hands resting in his lap, his hands were balled into fists, clutching a part of his snow-white robe.

“Why… why are you telling me this?”

You tried to keep your voice as gentle as possible because you had a feeling that this was a confession that must have been living in his heart for so long, trying to break out, but it was a caged creature - forced within the bars by his family more than himself. Even though not all of the members of a family had magic if one person possessed it since it wasn’t hereditary, it seemed that the royal family wanted it to be true since the King had magic in his veins, and princess Jinhee was said to possess it, too. However, you had a feeling that prince Jinyoung didn’t do so because you had never heard him use it whereas princess Jinhee was frequently praised for her skills.

What was more heartbreaking than this was the fact that the Queen tried so hard to hide his lack of magic - as you had experienced it on the training field when she had claimed that prince Jinyoung would take care of his wounds if he got hurt -, and maybe it was because she came from a different kingdom and thus didn’t have magic, but you had a feeling that she didn’t know the weight of her actions. She didn’t realise how much she was denying something that the prince didn’t wish to talk about to begin with.

You didn’t act like a fool, that’s why you didn’t ask him if it was true for you had a feeling for some time, and he seemed to notice that, too.

“Because I know you’ve figured it out yourself, and it feels good to tell someone else about it apart from my friends,” he explained as he averted his eyes from the scenery to you, and you gulped when you saw the hurt in his pitch-black orbs. Maybe it was that you mistook his pain for secrecy before, but now instead of a stern, out of reach, almighty prince, all you could see was a boy grieving something that had never been his, feeling guilty for something he had no control over and being vulnerable to someone who shouldn’t have mattered to him.

Yet, since he was willing to share his secret with you, you didn’t want to think about whether it was right or wrong. Instead, you wanted to be there for him, comforting him with words.

“You aren’t any less because you don’t have magic, Your Highness,” you whispered to him, afraid that your words might open up his wound instead of tending to it, but he didn’t seem to take it to heart.

“And you aren’t any less because you’ve grown up without a mother,” he added similarly quietly, and you felt your heart drop. You were about to say something, but then, you closed your mouth, pondering how to word this feeling. “See. It’s difficult to believe it no matter how many times others tell you.”

It was difficult, he was right, but you assumed that no one really knew how much the absence of your mother still impacted you, and the way you thought of yourself. He did, it seemed. He might have been reserved and didn’t like to pry in other’s business, but he was perceptive, even more than you would have thought so.

“How do you… Why does it feel like you know me so well, Your Highness?” You furrowed your eyebrows, not accusing, merely curious. Prince Jinyoung, as if he was waiting for you to confirm, let his lips curl a bit upwards before leaning a bit closer to you, as if he was telling a secret.

“I’ve told you. I’ve heard you talk to yourself at this pond. I just never wanted to interrupt you,” he explained matter-of-factly, but that was not enough for you. You didn’t know what took hold of you, but you were persistent, so you asked:

“So why tell me now?”

Prince Jinyoung looked back at the pond, then shrugged his shoulders. After some silence, you decided to drop the topic, and excused yourself to head to your room instead. Your heart was in mayhem already, you didn’t want to continue this dance that had started between you two because you were afraid that all it took was a few more turns to fall into his arms, to fall into him.

Thankfully, he didn’t hold you back, nor did he come with you, so you could walk to the courtyard, your heart still hammering in your chest. That's how you missed him saying to himself after you had left:

“Because you aren’t that unreachable now.”

The fact that you served the Queen directly meant that you knew more about the kingdom’s business affairs than before as the royal family including the King, the Queen, prince Jinyoung and princess Jinhee often attended business meetings with and without the royal council. It was said that it was, so that they knew exactly what was going on in the kingdom, and it was a merit for the children of the royal couple as well. Trading, business affairs and politics were fields that prince Jinyoung would be involved in as the future heir, and princess Jinhee would be considered a knowledgeable young lady if she knew of such topics, making her an even better wife candidate. When the council had a meeting, you were supposed to wait outside along with the other servants, but when it was just the royal family members, you could stay inside and possibly help the Queen to write letters and contracts for her or to read them for her.

The main issue these days was the unjustifiable attacks on a royal carriage sometime ago and a recent revolt near the borders - both lead to the assumption that rebels from the nearby kingdom were behind the attacks. It wasn’t very concerning for now, but the royal family wanted to be prepared for every scenario, and they tried to put out the fire before it could burn down their reputation. That’s how you found yourself accompanying the Queen and princess Jinhee to visit Naturalia that offered favourable trade in exchange for the princess marrying into the family.

You, a few other servants, soldiers from the royal army and two magic medics - including Byounggon whom you frequently saw around prince Jinyoung - accompanied you, so you ended up going in three different carriages, and the plan was to stay for two days and one night. You tried not to look around too much, but you hadn’t travelled outside of the kingdom before because you had started working at the palace from such a young age, and this particular kingdom boosted the magic of nature, so all kinds of surfaces were covered in colourful plants, vivid trees and rainbow-like herbs. You had read that there were people who regularly went to collect such magical plants, but the trading of their magic was limited to their kingdom only. Unless princess Jinhee would marry prince Jaehyeong.

However, your awe was cut short when upon the introductory tour around the palace, you were invited for some tea, and the servant - Hyeri - who tried the so-called immunity boosting drink to test it before the royal family would do so started gasping for air.

“What is it? What is the problem?” The Queen immediately rose to her feet, but you and another court lady were already there to hold onto the woman whose face turned purple. She looked like she was struggling to breathe, constantly hitting her chest with her balled fists and struggling to keep upright.

Bewildered, you found yourself hyperventilating for a moment, but then, you tried to remember what your father had always said. Do something about a problem first, and panic only if the consequences are not in your favour.

“I’ll call for the medics,” you suggested hastily, almost falling over your feet as you picked up the hem of your robe and ran out of the dining room to call for the two medics who were stationed outside in the hall. You quickly explained the situation, but they didn’t waste time either, they immediately came rushing with you. By that time, the woman was already on the floor, lying seemingly unconscious.

You felt your heart beating wildly against your ribcage, like a wild horse that didn’t know where to go in the unfamiliar woods. You couldn’t help but think of the worst case scenario, and you felt blood rushing to your head, making you dizzy. What if it was a trap? What if this was the plan of Naturalia’s royal family all along? What if your Queen was in danger? What if all of you were in danger?

Despite being wary and conscious of the many reasons behind this incident, prince Jaehyeong’s mother was seemingly shocked as well, trying to come up with different scenarios as to why it could happen - maybe the court lady was allergic to the ingredients in the tea -, but the Queen was suspicious, and didn’t let it slide even when the joined effort of the two medics and princess Jinhee’s magic helped Hyeri to regain consciousness.

“It was too strong of an effect for it to be accidental. If three of us needed to use magic to help my court lady, it was intended to kill one of us. Even if the incident was out of your control, it is not safe for us to stay here,” the Queen concluded rather indignantly, and at least the other royal family members didn’t protest, and reassured her that they would do everything in their power to get to the bottom of this case.

The ride back to the palace was a tense one because it meant that even if the Naturalia royal family didn’t want to kill the Queen or the princess, someone in their royal court would want to do so, someone who had the power to get inside their walls and put some kind of poison in the tea. They should have known that such royalty didn’t just drink or eat before testing it out with their servants, so maybe it was a kind of warning. First the carriage incident, then the rebels, now this… Was it all because the two kingdoms were to be united by the prospectus wedding? Did a group of citizens from the other kingdom have anything against your Queen?

You kept thinking about the what ifs, signs you should have seen, but you still couldn’t rack your head around what had just happened. Upon your arrival back at the palace, the Queen asked you to accompany the startled Hyeri to her room instead of walking her back to her chambers since she had other servants who could help her now. You obeyed her, but your voice was shaky as you responded to her, and your hand trembled when you reached out to hold onto the court lady. It could have been you as well, you could have died that day…

“It’s all okay. You’re safe now,” you mumbled to Hyeri nevertheless, trying to soothe her nerves, but you could still see how frazzled she was. Even when you left her after she had thanked you for your assistance and denied that she needed anything else, you could clearly see how terrified she was. You told her that she shouldn’t hesitate to call for you if she changed her mind and needed anything. Afterwards, you left her behind and started aimlessly walking around the court until your legs didn’t feel wobbly anymore. You needed time and some fresh air to clear your mind.

You were just about to head to the court ladies’ house when you walked into prince Jinyoung who looked just as shaken up as you deemed that you had been some time ago. His usually delicate locks sat on top of his head messily as if he had been running his hand through his hair more often than it was necessary, his jet-black eyes were painted with agony, his facial expression alarmed and his voice shaky when he spoke up.

“Are you… alright?” His words came out raspy, as if he was still trying to catch his breath. Did he come to the court ladies’ area after hearing the news? Why did he seem so uncharacteristically concerned? The usually stern and reserved prince didn’t usually meddle with the servants’ business as you had seen. He was on good terms with his soldier friend, Seunghun, and one of the magical medics, Byounggon, but he usually didn’t worry about the court ladies’ safety. Some said that it was because he didn’t want to be swept up in rumours while you deemed that it was only natural since he was royalty, and of the obedient type.

You bobbed your head, though you were at a loss for words seeing him in this state.

“Are you sure you don’t need more medical assistance?” The prince continued, taking a step closer to you as if to examine if you had visible injuries. However, the way he worded himself sent waves of warmth through your body.

“Oh, it was not me who drank the tea. It was court lady Kim,” you justified to the prince whose lips formed a surprised ‘O’ in return. Other than that, he didn’t seem taken aback, more like a bit coy, but his features softened as if he had been relieved by your answer.

“Oh… is she alright, too?”

“Yes, I helped to accompany her back to her room,” you explained, trying to keep the shaking out of your voice. You had never thought before that being in the court could mean that you were in direct danger because you weren’t a soldier or a bodyguard, but it seemed that there were multiple ways one could weaken a King on the throne.

You heard a door opening and carefree chatter coming out of a house nearby, so instinctively, you grabbed the prince’s robe and pulled him to the wall of the nearest house, into the shadows. You couldn’t really tell what took hold of you, but it felt oddly wrong to be so out in the open with just the prince. It was different in the garden when there were just the two of you. It was like your little hideout, an island of solace, a place of security, however now, you felt like you were stripped bare.

Prince Jinyoung’s eyes widened in surprise at first, but he must have guessed your reason for bringing him with you out of the public eye because he didn’t protest, nor did he ask why you had acted this way. Instead, he peeked out from behind the wall, then back at you.

“And you? Are you alright?” He asked as if he had just continued from where he had left off. “This must have shaken you up.”

The way his words were so gentle, so caring made you feel things that you shouldn’t have. If the prince was the moon that lit the way for the people of the kingdom, the light in the darkness, the hope in the unfamiliar, you would be the sun that shone only during daytime, shining bright until night came, and the moon took its place. You two weren’t supposed to encounter each other, let alone seek out time to see each other.

He shouldn’t have cared about you, and you shouldn’t have let him, but still… You couldn’t lie straight to his face.

“I am… I just…” You wanted to say so much, yet the words died on the tip of your tongue. Your heart was way heavy, the flashbacks of the scene in the dining room even heavier, and you felt a drop of tear sliding down your cheeks as you were trying to pull yourself together. You had to stay strong, you couldn’t show him vulnerability. He couldn’t care about your vulnerability. “I am sorry, Your Highness. I do not want to bother you anymore. Please, go on your way,” you said instead, keeping your eyes down as you bowed.

You wanted him to go away, to stop caring, to stop looking at you, but he didn’t budge, and it was a rule that you could straighten up only when a royalty took the first step. However, he didn’t do so, instead, he tapped your shoulder, and helped you straighten up.

“You don’t bother me at all,” he mumbled like a secret, a feeble attempt at diminishing the gap between you two that should have always mattered, but he crossed it as if he didn’t see it at all.

And you, you weren’t strong enough to push him away. Not that day, not in the comforting shadows under the faint moonlight, not out of the public eye when he looked at you as if he was ready to give you the world. The hand that had rested on your shoulder before now slid to your back as he embraced you, holding you strong, holding you steady

The walls crumbled down, the shield of your heart taken away, your rational thoughts tossed aside. Now, there was only his comforting touch that put out even the tiniest flicker of resistance within you, and for a moment, you believed that this could be your reality, your present and future, and your forever.

After the incident, the palace was in uproar. They couldn’t let it slide as promised, and so the investigation started to get to the bottom of this. The royal family of Naturalia was helpful though, and soon enough, they found a group of rebels who didn’t want your kingdom to be in alliance, let alone in union with their kingdom because of the special magical plants they possessed. They deemed that it was their gift and their gift only. It made sense why the attack on the carriage had happened when a letter had been delivered to Naturalia, then around the borders when news had gotten around that a marriage deal had been proposed to princess Jinhee, then when the Queen and the princess had actually gone to visit the other kingdom.

They didn’t find all of the rebels though, and there was no guarantee that they wouldn’t attack again no matter the fact that peace was in both parties’ favour. So for now, the marriage proposal was put on hold, and instead, your kingdom tried to strengthen its ties with other alliances. After the passing of the King in Elementalia - the land of elemental magic where people could possess the ability to control fire, earth, water and air -, his rather young heir took place, but it meant that marrying one of their princesses off to another kingdom would secure their power with a boy king on the throne.

That’s how you found yourself in the room with the Queen, prince Jinyoung and other servants, listening to their conversation about prince Jinyoung marrying the princess in question.

“They are in a tight spot, and we are in need of securing our safety. Who knows when those rebels would attack us again? It is best if we do not push your sister’s marriage with prince Jaehyeong now, but rather, we reassure them that we will not make moves towards their kingdom. The best way to do that is to shift their attention to our other affairs… such as your possible marriage with the princess from Elementalia,” the Queen concluded confidently, but you could hear the indignation in her voice. Seeing one of her court ladies almost getting poisoned took a toll on her as it did on all of you. One of her court ladies had even resigned, feeling like her safety was threatened.

Needless to say, prince Jinyoung was also aware of the tension in the kingdom, and while you had only met him once since that embrace, he had seemed rather troubled then and now as well.

“And princess Yunkyeong is said to be a very intelligent, obedient young lady. You might not be interested in her now, but at least, give her a chance. Let us arrange a meeting with her, and see how you feel about her being your wife. I will not force you to make any rash decisions, but we-”

“We need this marriage deal now to reassure our people that our kingdom isn’t threatened. I know, Mother,” the prince cut her off, his voice void of any emotions. His face was also void of any emotions, save for the slight wrinkles forming on his forehead.

You wished you could do anything to help this situation, but in cases like this, your hard work didn’t mean anything. These affairs were bigger than you, bigger than anyone in the royal court. Plus, the Queen was right. Despite not talking explicitly about what had happened in both the carriage and the tea incident, word had gotten out, especially with the rebels making a ruckus around the border. The people were confused and scared, questioning what the royal family’s next move might be. It was best to reassure them with such prosperous news rather than talk about any uncertainty.

“I will come back when you feel ready to give me your answer,” the Queen suggested as she rose from her seat, and so the servants lined up behind her. As you got in line, you made the mistake of looking at the prince, and he looked back at you, though you couldn’t exactly say you knew exactly what he was feeling. However, a shadow of sorrow passed through his features, but you didn’t know what it was for. Or rather, you didn’t want to know.

So you kept your eyes on the ground even after straightening your back from bowing at the prince, and didn’t look back.

You purposefully didn’t go to the garden afterwards. You could have said that you didn’t have time or you were too troubled by the recent events, but the truth is, you merely wanted to avoid meeting the prince. If you hadn’t had conscience before, now you would have felt like you had betrayed the Queen and all that she had worked so hard for if you had kept up your encounters with prince Jinyoung, and the people had gotten to know about it. Such news might even prompt princess Yunkyeong and her family to step back from their marriage proposal. After all, a prince and a court lady should never meet under private circumstances, let alone embrace in the shadows.

Now more than ever, you regretted letting prince Jinyoung console you in your state, you should have known that it would lead to nothing good. You should have stayed strong, you should have never shed tears in front of the prince. On the other hand, you knew, you knew very well with prince Jinyoung’s personality that he wouldn’t have felt compelled to embrace you even if you had been crying. He had done it because he had wanted to, but this thought only weighed down on you even more. What were you two doing anyway? Even if you had moments when you could have believed that your feelings would be reciprocated, the question wasn’t whether they would be reciprocated, but just how wrong it would be if they were reciprocated? You couldn’t fall in love with a prince.

Nonetheless, it was too late. You felt that bittersweet tug whenever you walked to your room straight after finishing your duties for the day without wandering around in the garden, you felt a wave of childish thrill go through your body whenever you caught sight of similarly pitch-black locks as the prince had - though you knew that it couldn’t be the prince for the royal family always wore white and the court members always wore burgundy-black -, and you felt your heart yearning for him, like a person coming up for air after being underwater for too long.

No matter how many times you tried to tell yourself that you could only make things worse if you felt everything so deeply, so grandly, your heart was at war with your brain, and it seemed that your brain was at defeat. Despite everything, you longed for what you had, for what you could have and for what you would never have with prince Jinyoung.

It didn’t make things any easier that you were there when the prince gave his answer to the Queen - that he would meet the princess in person -, you were there when they were arranging for the arrival of princess Yunkyeong and the Queen of Elementalia, and you were there when they arrived. You even needed to be the one to notify the prince that they arrived, and you felt a lump forming in your throat as you walked closer and closer to the prince’s chamber. You felt like your legs were made of steel, your limbs numb and your heartbeat as erratic as it could be.

Even though you had never been to the prince’s chamber, you knew where it was for it was the room closest to the Queen’s own chamber. Knocking on its door made you think of scenarios where you could do the same, but you quickly got rid of all of these silly fantasies. After all, they were nothing more than fantasies, irrational wishes and ultimately bullets through your already fragile heart.

When the prince answered, you opened the door to his chamber, and you made your way inside, bowing immediately before letting him know about why you were there. You could see that prince Jinyoung was both surprised and reassured by your presence, but he pursed his lips into a thin line when you explained the reason behind your visit.

“What do you think about this marriage?” The prince asked abruptly, and for a moment, you felt like icy thorns were invading your throat, making it impossible to speak, gulp or even breathe. Why did he have to make this even more difficult?

Deep inside, your rational side managed to break free from all the fantasies, and reminded you that you would only make things worse if you acted as if you were affected by the possibility of prince Jinyoung marrying a princess. As he should have after all. So you pulled yourself together, and tried to word yourself very diplomatically.

“I believe it is a very beneficial one, and princess Yunkyeong is said to be a lovely young lady as well, Your Highness,” you reasoned, keeping your voice steady. You even managed to keep eye-contact with him, and you saw confusion flash across his features. He seemed weary, someone who hadn’t been sleeping well because of his tormenting thoughts, and you wished to soothe the wrinkles on his forehead, to feel the warmth of his touch again, and to hold his hand to reassure him that everything would be alright, but you knew it was all just wishful thinking. It was all just a lie.

The prince took a few steps closer to you and you took a few back because you didn’t know what he was about to do without saying a word. Your back almost touched the door, and in a fraction of fragile seconds, he closed the said door, and turned back to you. This way, no one in the corridor could see you or listen to you two.

“Is that what you honestly think?”

His gaze was piercing, almost burning, and it felt like he could see right through you. His usually warm orbs reflected sadness, sorrow and bitterness - something that you saw reflected in your own ones recently. Seeing him in this state made you feel even worse for lying to him, but you had to. Words were your only defence now.

“Yes, Your Highness. I wish nothing but the best for you.”

“Do you believe it would be the best for me if you kept this up, and I would lose you in the meantime?” He kept going on strong, almost demanding, but you could detect the thorn in his words, you could detect his fear. Even though he wasn’t as close to you as he had been when he had embraced you in the shadows, you still felt like he was about to break down your walls. You couldn’t let that happen. Not this time.

“I do not believe that my presence should matter that much, and besides, we should hurry to-” You tried to direct the conversation back to the way it had started, but the prince cut you off, and the sincerity, the pain and the same longing you felt laced his words, and you were rendered speechless.

“It does matter that much even if you might not think so. So just once, can’t you be honest with me? Can’t you tell me what you really feel?”

Amongst many, there was one thing about prince Jinyoung that made him a likely successful heir to the throne: no matter what he said, he could make others believe it, no room for doubts. His voice was always confident, no cracks or wavers, but now, his voice shook. It shook like a man’s during prayers, during struggle and during darkness. As if he was desperate.

You physically ached to give him the answer he wanted, but you were already hurting so much, so you made a promise to yourself that no matter how and when you would meet him again, you wouldn’t let it continue the same way as it had done before. The sooner you could put an end to it, the less it would hurt.

Or so you assumed.

“I do not understand what you intend to say with it, Your Highness, but my duties lie with the Queen, and I always, always put her commands first,” you emphasised sternly, masking your tone in a coldness that you had never found within you before. “So if you could follow me now, that would make my job easier,” you added, strictly drawing the line between you two, and before waiting for his answer like you should have according to the etiquette, you walked around him, opened the door and walked out.

You expected him to follow you, and he did, but you were thankful that he didn’t walk beside you because you had to bite your cheek to keep your tears from flowing. It hurt for you to be so rigid to him, but that was the only way you could put a distance between you two.

So why did it hurt so much? Why did it pain you more to lie to him than if you had just been honest with him? If this was love, why did it hurt so bloody much?

It turned out that princess Yunkyeong was indeed a lovely young lady, and seeing her interact with the prince made you feel undeniably bitter because she was so bright, so considerate and so patient, you wished you could have turned back time to never make him feel anything because you knew why he was so distant. Even though he was trying not to appear stern, you could see the way his facial expressions changed in a fraction of a second when he turned away from her. You knew that the reason was you.

Nonetheless, you hoped that he wouldn’t cling onto the foolish hope of you two ever having your own happy ending because just as much as you would have liked to delude yourself into thinking that you could have anything together, it would be simply impossible as long as you were a servant and he was a prince. Which meant that you could never do so.

So when you heard after the princess’ visit that the prince had given in to the marriage, you should have felt relieved, yet you would be lying if you said that you were. After all, it would mean that you would see the princess around all the time because she would move into the palace after the wedding, and though the pain might numb after a while, her presence would always remind you of what you could have had if it had been for different circumstances.

You tried not to think about it, you really tried, but there was a pang in your chest whenever you and prince Jinyoung were in the same room when he met up with the Queen, and despite not catching each other’s eyes, your heart couldn’t sit still. The same went when you walked by him in the corridor, just one look at him and the fact that you could never be close again almost felt like the consequences of getting burnt. You were too close to the fire, but you were tempted, so you touched the flames, and now you were hurt, yet still yearning to do it again. Now you understood the expression that you would walk through fire for someone, you really did.

You were almost glad that the Festival of Day and Light happened a few days before the wedding because you could get time off to visit back home, to visit the festival because the Queen was preoccupied with the wedding arrangements, and hence, she would stay inside her chamber for most of the day.

It was the usual yearly festival for the fall equinox, and when you had been younger, you had been ecstatic to spend this day with your mother, to commemorate the gift of light, and to light a candle for all your loved ones, wishing them a bright year. There were all kinds of games for kids, stalls of delicacies lining up on the main market square, people lighting candles and placing them on the riverside that crossed the capital of the kingdom, and white or yellow decorations in the shape of stars, the Sun and the Moon.

Despite the usual joyous atmosphere of the celebration, ever since your mother had died, you hadn’t gone out to celebrate it as your father wasn’t the kind to believe in such things. So this year as well, you went home for the day, had a meal together with your father, helped him around the house, talked about everything that came to mind, then headed back to the palace later at night. Yet, there was no way you would be able to go around the celebrations on the main market square, so you mindlessly walked through it.

To be precise, you wanted to, but an elderly woman with an impossibly wide smile shoved a candle into your hand, and looking down at it, you didn’t have the heart to not light it up. So you walked to the edge of the river, a less crowded part of it, and crouched down to touch your candle to the wick of another one, watching as the flame moved from one candle to the other.

Then, you placed yours on the ground, closed your eyes and wished for your father’s health, your mother’s comfort in the spirit realm, the court ladies’ perseverance, the Queen’s well-being and even for prince Jinyoung’s happiness. You really wished nothing but the best for him even if you weren’t a part of it.

When you opened your eyes to the world around you and straightened up, you didn’t expect to find a familiar pair of jet-black eyes staring back at you. Your heart and mind didn’t even have time to protest, the words already rolled off your tongue.

“Your Highness,” you greeted him with your mouth slightly agape, then pulled yourself together for a proper bow. He placed his index finger on his lips - just like the time he had picked up the hairpin for you -, and the déjavu of the whole situation sent a chill down your spine.

He indeed looked like he didn’t want to be seen as he didn’t wear his trademark white robe, but a burgundy-black one with a hood that now covered most of his face, but you could never mistake his orbs for anyone else’s. You had stared into them, you had gazed at them and you had daydreamed about them enough times to be able to recognise them anywhere.

“What are you doing here?” You inquired quietly. It wasn’t unheard of that the royal family members went out for such celebrations, but then they walked into the sea of people in their usual clothes with bodyguards around them. This time, the prince seemed to be alone, and you expected him the least out of anyone since his wedding was just around the corner.

“I’ve never had the opportunity to light a candle. I’ve gotten Seunghun’s clothes, so that I could come here in peace, and then I saw you here…” He trailed off by the end as if he wasn’t sure that he should have said so much, but you could understand him. Especially after how you had lied to him last time.

“Should you be here so close to your wedding?”

Your question might have been assumed to be laced with malice, but you didn’t ask about it out of spite. You were concerned about him, that’s all. You knew how fussy the Queen was about the whole wedding, and it took a toll on prince Jinyoung (or was it that he still didn’t let go of you?). The last thing you had expected from him these days was to see him at the festival.

“Probably not,” he replied, and despite the tense question, the corner of his lips curled upwards, a bit childish and a bit bashful. Not the expression you had expected to see on him given his general state nowadays.

However, the prince didn’t seem guilty now, but there was definitely melancholy in his features. His lips couldn’t bloom into a full smile, his eyes weren’t twinkling, and his limbs were all tensed up as if he was ready to bolt anytime. Maybe he really was, seeing how he covered himself up.

Your heart ached for him, for all the possibilities that were crushed by the sole difference between your ranks, and for all those endless fantasies he had been a part of, ones that popped into your mind whenever you let your mind wander off, whenever you caught sight of him at the palace, and whenever you walked by the pond in the garden. Even though the latter had become a place of solitude, a safe haven for you, now it was just another thing that reminded you of your pain. The wound was there, and it was still open, it was still bleeding, no wonder it was difficult to wait out the time it would start to heal.

And in a way, something in your gut told you that he was the same. His following words proved it, too.

“But I’ve wanted to wish for someone’s bright future even if I won’t be a part of it,” prince Jinyoung suddenly broke the silence, his voice coming out raspy. He crouched down to light his own candle as he continued, but you were glad that he couldn’t see your face because his words struck you to your very core. “I felt like I wasn’t supposed to tell her after what we’ve been through and that she wouldn’t let me tell her how I wish the best for her, so I came here instead. I was hoping that my wish would somehow be carried forward.”

The more he talked, the more certain you were that he was talking about you, and instinctively, tears began to spill. You tried to hold them back, but they found their way to the surface, and all you could do was to sob silently, hoping that prince Jinyoung would look at his candle for a long enough time, long enough for your heart to prepare itself for a response, for your heart to prepare itself for a possible goodbye.

You reached to wipe the tears off your face, but as the prince straightened his back, that’s exactly what he caught you doing, so there was no turning back. You let your sobs reverberate through your body, your words following the rhythm of your tears like raindrops on a windowsill.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled through tears, not being able to look him in the eye. So you just stared at your shoes instead while your tears dropped to the ground one after another. Drip… drop… drip… drop… “I thought that being harsh would be the only way I could make it hurt less, but it still hurts so much.”

“I know. I don’t blame you,” came the answer almost immediately, and when you looked at prince Jinyoung through the waterfall of your tears, you saw the same kind of longing that you dressed your features in these days. If anything, that just made you feel worse. Why couldn’t you be as heartless as last time?

You sobbed quietly, hoping not to attract unnecessary attention, but this part of the riverside was pretty quiet, and the stillness of it all magnified the loudness of your beating heart. You felt like it would break through your ribcage to find the prince’s own heart because it was what it sought after. Too bad that you couldn’t listen to your heart now…

“I’m sorry, too,” prince Jinyoung added, his voice cracking by the end.

You knew what was to come even before it happened, but as opposed to last time, you didn’t feel warmth, you didn’t feel comfort. When the prince embraced you, there was pain; because when you share the same kind of pain with someone, your pain is amplified by the other’s pain. It was a gawking, raw, soul crashing kind of ache, one that you felt in your bones, in your veins and in your heart. You couldn’t even do anything about it, your arms just hung idly by the prince’s body, your tears spilling endlessly, words abandoning you and sobs scratching your throat instead.

You couldn’t tell how much time had passed by when the prince let go of you, but you had a feeling that it was for good. When he squeezed your hand gently, you could feel the hesitation only for a short moment, and then, he slowly slipped through your fingers, all of your remaining hope leaving with him.

The walls that he had broken down now laid at your feet, lifeless and in multiple, messy pieces.

You somehow pushed through the wedding, but afterwards, you kept coming down with something, and even Byounggon’s healing and the medics’ tips couldn’t help because it just kept coming back, so the Queen granted you indefinite leave to go back home and to recharge yourself.

The truth is, once you were off the palace grounds, you got better, and you had a feeling why. On top of that, your father was also feeling poorly, so you were glad that you could be at home during this time. The truth is, ever since you had left for the palace 16 years ago, you hadn’t spent more than a week straight at home, so now that you were there, you realised just how much time had passed by, just how lonely your father must have been, how worn out your old shoes had been, and how loaded all your bookshelves were.

You made yourself busy in and around the house, cleaning up, buying new pillows for yourself and new clothes for your father (it seemed that he didn’t like spending money on himself, rather on books), picking up some herbs for your father from the nearby medics - from two young men, Hyunsuk and Yonghee, who were said to be good friends -, cooking, sewing clothes that were torn, reading the books you had not yet read from the shelves, and daydreaming about how you would take prince Jinyoung to your home, how you would lead him around the house and how you would introduce him to your father… if the circumstances had been different, and he hadn’t been a prince married to a princess.

The news of the royal family reached your neighbourhood as well, so you knew that the prince was on a trip to Elementalia with his wife, and maybe that’s what prompted you to go back to the palace then to formally hand in your written resignation.

The Queen didn’t seem taken aback by your decision, in fact, she rose from her usual sitting position, put her hand on your trembling ones, and gave you an almost motherly smile.

“Thank you so much for your service in the past 16 years. Your mother would be exceptionally proud of you. I wish nothing but the best for you and your father,” she said as she sent you on your way, and when you walked out of her chamber and passed by prince Jinyoung’s own chamber, you knew that it was for the best. Maybe some would say that you ran away from him, but you knew that you couldn’t have run away from the pain even if you had tried. So you had tried to give yourself space and time to decide what would be the best for you, and both your body and your heart thanked you for this decision.

You couldn’t help a teardrop roll down your cheeks though as you stepped through the gates - probably for the very last time -, flashbacks washed into a wheel of events; so much laughter, so much learning, so much love and so much pain. Like the different colours of a rainbow, all of these were needed to make you who you were today, and even though you didn’t believe in forever anymore, you would always, truly, deeply wish for nothing but the best for prince Jinyoung. He had given you so much care and affection, and this was the only way you could repay him.

A/N: I managed to finish writing and proofreading this story in time for the comeback, but I didn't think that it would top all the pain that the comeback might cause. Sorry for that, but I hope that you enjoyed the angst of it!

How do you like the comeback, the MV and the album? Do you have a favourite song? I love suffering, and I love emotional MVs, but the MV and the whole album were on another level in the best way possible. I think the boys outdid themselves again, and I'm super proud of them!

All in all, I hope you enjoyed the story! Thank you so much for reading it! ❤️

If you want to read more stories of mine, let it be for CIX or for other bands, consider signing up for my taglist here.

On top of that, keep your eyes out for the other boys' stories set in this universe! 😉

#cix #jinyoung #cix imagines #cix scenarios #cix x reader #cix x you #jinyoung scenarios #jinyoung imagines #jinyoung x reader #jinyoung x you #bae jinyoung scenarios #bae jinyoung imagines #bae jinyoung x reader #bae jinyoung x you

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hyunbaes · 1 year

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[2:17am]

—

you had been anticipating your boyfriends arrival after he said he’d be home late from practice. the clock hit 2am and just barely did you hear the rattling of some keys outside your door. it seems yonghee had finally returned home. you hurriedly grab the small cake you bought for him as today was his birthday. the door opens and he sighs, not looking up at you just yet as he puts his stuff down. “y/n im home” he says just loud enough for you to hear, unaware that you are in front him. he looks at up and his eyes widen as he sees you with a cake in your hands. he smiles immediately. “happy birthday my lover” you say, as he is walking towards you to engulf you in his arms. yonghee whispers into your ear, “you’re always so good to me y/n, i love you” as he plants a kiss on your forehead. nothing is better than this, nothing is better than being with him.

#cix #cix imagines #cix fluff #cix timestamps #cix scenarios #kim yonghee #yonghee scenarios #yonghee fluff #yonghee imagines #cix yonghee #yonghee timestamps

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kyufessions · 2 years

Note

hi! i just had a thought and i love your writing so i’ll bring it to you, secret idol relationship with hyunsuk cix. i feel like he would have such a hard time hiding it😖

OMG STOP hyunsuk would hate having to hide the relationship ,,, gives off vibes that he absolutely loves showing off his partner. would send photos of his s/o on universe PM and be like “look who i’m with” or “say hi FIX!”

but when y’all start dating and tell the company, they don’t mind it at all but want y’all to keep it under wraps for at least a while. mainly to make sure the relationship is solidified and give you both time to adjust. even if he reassures the company that he’s really into you and wants to show you off to the world. but respects the company’s decision at the end of the day because, of course, he has to.

has to be given a talk before award shows by the members + company when you’re attending the same one as to not make it obvious that you’re both dating or even have some kind of romantic involvement. so he obviously does as told but wants nothing more than to blow you cringey kisses that he knows you’d die for. sends you/your group food sometimes during promos at broadcast shows and sends you flowers as encouragement with cheesy notes attached to them. loves sending you good morning and goodnight texts (at odd hours bc, of course, hectic idol life and constant traveling) and also paragraphs of supportive words during promos and touring.

the type to send constant selfies. especially if you text him “i loved your makeup/outfit/look from todays stage!” and he sends you 100000 pics and selfies of him, maybe some from twitter that fans took of him. buys you gifts while on tour like a mini statue of liberty 3D keychain he found in a random NYC store at the corner- stuff like that. also says “don’t worry, i’ll take us here one day” while attaching photos of the city, the store, whatever it may be. if you’re both traveling to the same city or something like, for example, KCON or something similar to it, he would sneak to your room at night to watch movies or just sit and chat with you. i feel like he’d love having long talks with you as he plays with your hair, your head on his chest as his heart beat fastens because of your presence and simple sound of your voice.

takes pics of you and with you, just because he loves you dearly. would make you his home screen instead of lockscreen because he doesn’t want anyone to potentially notice his home screen. takes you to nice small restaurants/eateries on your nightly dates in head-to-toe gear that hides your identities so no one realizes who you both are. bothers his company every. single. month. when is he able to come forth about your relationship. is finally ecstatic after being told he’s able to after almost an entire year, ultimately deciding to take you with him to meet his family during the time when the company makes the official statement so no one can bother both of you and you can have a small getaway with his lovely family members.

overall: hates having to hide the fact he’s dating you, but in love with the fact that he’s actually dating you.

also thank u for enjoying my writing i appreciate it 🥹

#. kyufessions inbox #kyufessions cix #cix x reader #cix hyunsuk #hyunsuk #yoon hyunsuk #cix scenarios #cix fluff #cix drabbles #hyunsuk fluff

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youngjellyfishbasement · 2 years

Photo

CIX [JUNGLE] MUSIC VIDEO x art aesthetics

stan CIX, stan beauty and talent

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dat-town · 9 months

Text

in your eyes, i see another me

Characters: Byounggon & female reader

Setting & genre: angst, hurt/comfort, set in the world of Save Me Kill Me MV

Summary: After 6 years, you come back to Korea and take your sister's place. You discover more secrets than you would have ever thought so. Maybe you didn’t know her as well as you believed.

Warnings: mentions of suicide (Yonghee's), attempted suicide (minor character), bullying, parents' divorce and neglectful behaviour (MC's), deceased parents (not MC's), academic pressure, depression (not MC’s), anti-depressant pills, invasion of privacy (between siblings), arson, theft ‒ if any of these topics are triggering for you, please don’t interact with the fic. if you would like to know what to expect under any warning beforehand, feel free to send me an ask

International suicide hotline: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Words: 11.9k

Author’s note: Heavily inspired by the CIX story films and Save Me Kill Me MV, so the boys' characters resemble that more than their idol personality. The story takes place in the next school term, which I decided to make the senior year, after the MV's events. According to this, Yonghee's character never wakes up, so this is partly about the aftermath, sorry. Furthermore, the reader’s arc was inspired by the Thai drama called Not Me. No need to know it in order to understand the story but if you do, know that I took the twin thing and ran with it.

Title taken from Ateez’s Dazzling Light.

For @restlessmaknae, sorry for the angst (again) <3 (also it was actually hard to choose a guy for this story because you are soft for all of them but the mv and @lily-blue helped)

You used to have this game with your sister: you switched places and waited how long it took for people to figure it out.

Being identical twins, you looked pretty much the same. Even if your behavior had a stark contrast – where she was sharp and brave, you were timid and careful –, you could deceive people easily. Sometimes even when you looked into the mirror you used to be unsure whether the one you saw was her or you. It was in a way a frail attempt of trying to remember her, trying to imagine how she grew up while you were separated.

The divorce was ugly. Lots of yelling and plate breaking. It was better this way but you didn't expect losing half your family, too. You moved to London with your mom and Jieun stayed in Seoul with your dad, cutting off all contact. You were twelve then.

Eighteen when Jieun jumped from a bridge.

It was the first time you heard your father's voice in the last six years. It was also the first time since their divorce that you heard your mother cry. The next day after the call the two of you got on a plane and within 48 hours, you were back in Korea, back in your childhood room that now had more makeup than teddy bears. Jieun never liked soft things anyway.

She was always tough in your memories yet she looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, tied to machines, unconscious. You couldn't help but wonder about the reasons. Why would she do such a thing? You had a fairly wealthy family and she was said to be a good student. What could possibly make her do it, to give it all up? You had no idea and it frustrated you to no end. It was like you didn't even know your sister and sadly, it was exactly the case. That last six years put the world between you.

It was an impulse decision, such a Jieun thing to do, when you visited a hairdresser and had your long hair cut shoulder-length like hers with bangs you had never had since you were fourteen. You also went to get your ears pierced and put in one pair of her earrings. You looked the same once again. Your mom almost fainted when she saw what you did. But at least you felt closer to Jieun somehow.

The questions kept you up all night even if you knew you wouldn't get your answers staring at the ceiling of her room. You went through her drawers first then her phone. She had an unanswered call from a boy named Seunghun from the night she had jumped. And a bunch of photos with a group of boys, all wearing the same school uniform as hers. You stared at Jieun's untouched school clothes hanging from her wardrobe door and made your decision.

So far in your senior year, your school in England let you take the classes and tests online, not real time though due to the time zone difference, so you were mostly at home while your parents were either at work or in the hospital. You didn't think they would even notice you leaving. So the next day, you put on Jieun's uniform and name tag, then left for her school.

Korean high school life was both the same and very different from the UK one at the same time. You tried your best blending in. Even more so because you knew that your parents didn't want to shout out to the world what had happened, so the school only knew that Jieun was on sick leave. Divorced parents was enough of a stain on the perfect family picture but a daughter with suicide attempt would have been worse. You thought it was ridiculous, that they were still so afraid of losing face when their daughter was in coma due to the head injury she had. But their arrogance came in handy to you because this way nobody was too shocked to see Jieun – you – back at school so quickly.

"Jieun-ah!" Came the voice from behind and you were so lost in your thoughts, trying hard to not look like a sore thumb sticking out as you were looking for the classroom of 3–2 class, that you forgot that you should have reacted to your sister's name like you did to yours. The boy didn't take it to heart though, he came up to you from behind and threw an arm over your shoulder which made you flinch but he didn't seem to notice that as he smiled down at you brightly under his fluffy hair hanging into his eyes. "Hey, are you feeling better now? Mr. Lee said you were sick but you didn't reply in the groupchat."

Oh the dozens of unread messages on Jieun's phone? You couldn't make yourself read them, not yet. It probably would have been wiser to do so before you walked into the school wearing her name tag but strangely, out of all the things you did, reading over her private messages would have felt the most like invading her privacy.

"Ah, I'm good but my phone seems to be acting up, I need to take it to the service," you lied but tried to make it sound natural and casual but you had a feeling that you sounded a bit nervous. Gosh, Jieun would have never. Hopefully it could be written off as her being sick for a while.

"Oh, okay. I just got worried when I called you and you didn't answer. After what happened with Yonghee last year…" he trailed off and you used his momentary distraction to glance down at his name tag. Kim Seunghun indeed. So he was the one who called Jieun on that day and since he said he was worried, they must have been close.

You had no idea what had happened with that so-called Yonghee though but you couldn't ask about that. It seemed important to Seunghun and you were sure Jieun would have known about it. You made a mental note to look into it but first you had a class and you still didn't find the right classroom.

"Did I miss a lot?" You asked vaguely enough, so the boy could interpret it as in studies or in the previously mentioned group chat too.

"Not really but you should ask Hyunsuk or Byeol for notes if you want them. We all will meet after classes anyways," Seunghun hummed and still with his arm's weight around you, he guided you through the corridors, chatting your ears off about this new choreography his dance class was learning. Huh, pretending to be your sister seemed easier than you thought.

The Korean education system was stricter than the British one you got accustomed to but the hardest part of it was the language. The sinus-cosinus definition wasn't really part of your native language vocabulary that you used with your mom while being abroad. The teacher wasn’t so supportive either, you got reprimanded for not catching up quick enough after your sick leave. Jeez, did they think you were machines, all fine after rebooting? You clenched your hand into a fist, suppressing the urge to yell at her that Jieun was in a freaking coma because she had tried to take her own life and the homework was all she cared about? You had been brought close to tears just by the reminder of what happened to your sister but nobody cared. The teacher called out another student’s name and you cast your eyes down, feeling the weight of Seunghun’s worried gaze on you. He didn’t say anything even if he thought that you were acting out of character.

“Jieun-ah! I’m so glad you’re back,” Thin arms embraced you tighter than you would have expected from them when you got up from your desk after the torturous Maths class. You peeked down at the petite girl with long hair and reserved smile as she stepped back. Behind her stood the tallest boy of the class, a lopsided smile playing on his lips shyly. “I should have sent you the schoolwork material but you went MIA and we didn’t know when you would be back.”

“Her phone broke,” Seunghun piped in as he slid to sit on your – Jieun's – desk, the casual familiarity of the action making your thoughts run wild. Jieun seemed to have close, good friends yet none of them seemed to be aware of her struggles. Just what exactly was she going through?

Hyunsuk and Byeol were a funny couple. You weren’t sure they were official per se but they were practically attached by the hip and while they weren’t touchy or anything like that, the boy looked at the girl as if she hung the stars and all. He even gave her his strawberries from his tray during lunch break claiming that he didn’t crave anything sweet at that moment. Byeol was less obvious but she looked overly fondly at him whenever he did something slightly embarrassing or said something funny. It was cute.

The rest of the school day wasn't too interesting but after meeting the couple and also sharing lunch period with them, you wondered who else Seunghun meant when he had said that you would meet the others after school. You thought back on the group picture you saw on your sister's phone. They all wore the same uniform, so they must have gone to this school too but not all of them were in this class apparently because you haven't seen other familiar faces yet. You packed your bag slowly, following Seunghun's lead when the group left the classroom after your last History class for the day. When you ended up in front of the door of the Film Club, you were rather surprised because you had no idea Jieun was into movies. Maybe you would have expected more movie posters in her room than indie punk rock band merch then. Just how much you didn't know about her?

Seunghun opened the door and acknowledged the presence of somebody inside with a nod. You gulped as you stepped inside, trying not to be too obvious about never having been at that place by looking around too much. It was a cozy little space but your gaze settled on the boy sitting on the worn couch. His uniform's necktie was loosened but his name tag was still neatly attached, so you could catch his name. Bae Jinyoung.

At your arrival the boy looked up from his phone, his expression stern and neutral, his gaze lingering on you longer than the rest of the guys before turning back to whatever he was doing before. You glanced down at his hand holding the device, at his knuckles that were scarred and red. You soon learned though that he wasn't the most troublesome-looking member of your current company. The winner of that title came in late, wearing a black hoodie instead of his uniform jacket, clicking a lighter in his hand, his dark gaze unwavering when he saw you.

"Ran out of eyeliner today or what?" He scoffed and needless to say, you were shocked by his first words at you. Did he know? That you weren't Jieun? Just because of your makeup?

"Not your business," you rolled your eyes at him, trying to channel your inner savage based on your father's descriptions on your sister's 'rebellious phrase' and it was probably believable and Jieun-like enough that the boy just plopped down by the coffee table, leaning against a shelf without saying anything more.

Who the heck was he anyways? Maybe you really should have read over your sister's chat history to know how to act with all these people. You only guessed how Jieun was now based on what you remembered from 6 years ago and what your father said about her behavior from before the incident. Hopefully she didn't have any secret boyfriend you should have known about because you didn't even consider that possibility. You didn't wish to deceive somebody so close to her. In retrospect, it might have been a crazy idea to even try to figure out what had happened to her by being literally in her shoes instead of asking around about her but people tended to be wary of strangers, and you didn't want to waste your time with gaining others' trust.

"Gunhee and his minions still bother the freshmen. I saw them pour the contents of a lunch tray on one of them yesterday. I guess we need something more memorable than destroying their property that can be bought with daddy's money. Any ideas?" Seunghun started off and you tried to school your expression into a less confused one than how you felt. Wait, wasn't it a film club?

"I say we should hit them where it hurts them. Especially Gunhee. He's their leader, without him, Botong and Woobin wouldn't do anything," Jinyoung noted and everybody hummed in agreement. You obviously had no idea whom they were talking about.

"What about taking Gunhee's expensive Swiss or whatever watch? He's so proud of it," the boy whose name you didn't know grimaced in disgust and this time you couldn't stop yourself from speaking up.

"But that's theft."

The boy's sharp, dark eyes laser focused on you. But not only his. You could feel everybody's gaze on you.

"I'm aware, Miss Dictionary," the guy in the hoodie rolled his eyes, his tone condemning. "What? Pouring bleach on Wonhee's hair was okay but theft is suddenly not?"

Oh that sounded like an accusation. Did Jieun really do that? Either way you raised your chin and stood by your standpoint.

"Theft is illegal and if they are rich enough, they can get you into serious trouble. Expelling you from school is the least," you tried to talk some sense into the guy and looked around to see if anybody would support your point but you could only catch a glance of Hyunsuk and Byeol exchanging a glance.

"If they know that it was me. We never got caught before," the boy kept going and the realization that they were doing things like this for quite some time based on his words messed with your head. Just what kind of friends had your sister gotten herself? Just what kind of things had she done that led her to jump into the cold water of Han river?

"I'm just saying it's too risky and has a low impact. Even if it's a fancy watch, he can probably get another after a slap from his father," you claimed because you might not have known these students but bullies and rich kids were the same everywhere.

"Do you have a better idea then?" The rude guy challenged you and shit, you didn't think that ahead. Or at all.

"Byounggon…" Seunghun put a hand on his friend's shoulder. Probably he could feel the tension in the air too and bless him, he wanted to help. "She's right. It's nothing we didn't do before."

"Let's catch them in the act. Record it and send it in to the school committee," you suggested but of course, the other boy was quick to call you out on your naivety.

"You know that wouldn't change a bit. They would bury the case. Gunhee's father is an honorable donor to the school's trust fund.

"Then let's humiliate them in public. Post the video online. They couldn't bury that," you retorted, sliding your gaze from one boy to another when the so-called Byounggon didn't object.

"I like it," Byeol broke the silence quietly and apparently being a petty loser when it came to arguments, the hoodied guy pushed himself off the ground and stormed out of the room.

"Don't worry about him. He will cool down soon," Hyunsuk said seeing your dumbfounded reaction and you wondered if every meeting was like this for them. What kind of club was this exactly? Revenge Rangers of what?

After the adrupt leave of the guy, the others discussed where would be the best idea to catch the bullies red handed but you only paid attention partly. Your mind was too busy processing all the information about Jieun's friends. No wonder Seunghun, who seemed to be the closest to her, noticed that something was up with you.

"You were quiet today," he spoke up, not accusatory, just kind of worried, as you walked out of the building, backpack on one shoulder. Funny because you didn't feel like you were quiet at all, you had never been so argumantive. Was it an every day thing for Jieun?

You couldn't look the boy in the eye as you shrugged it off.

"I still feel a bit off," you quickly made up a lie, hoping that it was believable enough and luckily the boy didn't stick to the topic.

"I will walk you to the bus stop," he said instead and you were grateful for his consideration even though you knew it wasn't directed at you. Nothing they did was, it was all for Jieun.

You were doing everything for her too.

As expected, your parents were too busy to notice that you slipped away during the day and even if they did, they didn't ask about it. The deeper you dug into Jieun's life, the more you felt like you didn't even know her. Sure 6 years was a lot but still. Even the rude guy was right. Based on her pictures, Jieun liked to apply a thicker eyeliner with dark smokey eyeshadow lightly enough to get away with the school policy probably. So you adjusted.

You also caught up a bit on her recent messages with the group, trying to find something, any clue about what she could struggle with and to not give yourself away. Seunghun seemed like a constant in her life, they texted a lot, him always checking in on her. She also talked a lot to Byeol and Hyunsuk. Her last conversation with Byounggon was months ago, him asking where the hell she was but it was left on read. While searching for Jinyoung's contact in the app, you stumbled upon Jieun's conversation with Yonghee dated back late last year, her frantic last messages still unread.

can we talk? yonghee please i'm sorry

It took a simple search on the school website to figure out that Yonghee was a boy in Jinyoung's class. Or used to be. The tragic news of his suicide were more hidden as if the school or somebody tried to cover it up. Yonghee's father was a political figure, so it must have been a sensitive topic. Could that be the reason behind his actions? Could it be behind Jieun's?

You knew that academic pressure was intense in Korea but it must have been even more overbearing if one was born into a family of high esteem, since they couldn't allow themselves to lose face after all. On top of that, was Yonghee bullied too? The others had never said anything but they seemed to be very pissed at bullies, it would have made sense, doing this revenge plot. Yonghee seemed happy in the videos you found after all. But it was easy to only see only one side of the story when somebody was trying to hide the other.

The next time you met Byounggon, he acted like he was looking for trouble.

You were by the standees next to the school's basketball field, texting your mom about going home late because you needed to check something out in a local library for homework. You didn't think anybody would be around there but apparently you were wrong.

“What do you need two phones for?” The guy grumbled at you, hopping down next to you on the bench, eyeing the iPhone in your hands as if it personally offended him. At first you wanted to tell him that he remembered wrong, you only had one phone but it would have been a hard pass because he could have asked any of the guys who had seen you use Jieun's Samsung even that day.

“My phone has been acting up lately, remember? This is my backup,” you tried to make it sound convincing but it didn't matter. The guy still crunched his nose in disgust.

“Rich people things,” he muttered under his nose, disdaining and you wondered whether he was like this to your sister, too. Based on their scarce messaging, probably. What was his problem anyway?

“Why does it matter to you?” You huffed, not really getting why he had to make these kinds of comments. For real, did he walk up to you just to point out your phone?

“It doesn't,” he rolled his eyes, sliding backwards to balance himself on his elbows, looking up at the sky before closing his eyes. You used this chance to let your gaze linger over his always stern features and his black hair brushed out of his face. That day he didn't wear his hoodie, but his tie was loosened and his uniform was crumpled.

“Don't you have class?” You blurted out and the guy peeked at you, narrowing his eyes.

“I could ask the same.”

Well, he could. You would have had PE but you managed to get away with claiming you weren't feeling well and the teacher sent you to the infirmary. You needed time to work on your Literature essay for your home school back in the UK before you failed because you spent too much time digging into your sister's life.

“I wasn't feeling well. I guess the teacher didn't want me to faint during running laps,” you shrugged, getting better at lying. It wasn't a skill you should have been proud of but maybe Jieun would have been. Not that she would have been too happy about discovering that you pretended to be her. But you would have cared about that when she woke up. You would have taken any scolding happily if that happened. When, you reminded yourself, not if. “What's your excuse?”

“I'm just not feeling like it.”

So he was skipping class too. You wondered how often he did. Whether he didn't care about acing the CSATs and getting into a good university at all. Or maybe he just gave up, knowing he couldn't afford tuition and that's why he hated rich people so vehemently.

The next thing you went through among Jieun's things were her wardrobe's hidden or stacked compartments. That's how you found the bottle of pills labeled neatly, half-empty.

"Did you know that Jieun took anti-depressants?" You brought it up at the already awkward family dinner that night, the silence following your words was astonished.

"What? That's ridiculous," your father scoffed but it wasn't laughable in your opinion. Nor something that should have been brushed off. Especially because you knew that mental health wasn't an as accepted topic in Korea as in the UK.

So you looked up the doctor who prescribed the pills and booked a session under your sister's name. She welcomed you with a kind smile and understanding eyes, she asked how you were coping. It wasn't even a lie when you told her that everything was a bit too much.

"Did you think about what I asked last time? What do you have to live for?" She asked and you felt your heart churn. Maybe Jieun really had had enough.

It was an interesting session: trying to act and think like your sister while answering deep, thought-provoking questions about things you had no idea of. At one point you wanted nothing more than to cry and admit what you were doing and why or how worried you were about Jieun but in the end, it still felt like it helped. Talking to somebody about Jieun's situation, even if you didn't get to know much more about it.

But when you were about to leave, the psychologist called after you.

"Is Jieun okay?" She asked, firm but not unkind, no malice or anger in her voice.

"Did you…" You blinked, surprised, but it made sense. If she was good at her job, she must have seen the differences in your mannerism and reactions. You wondered when she realized you weren't your sister.

"She told me about you, you know. She missed you," the psychologist said and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

"I missed her too," you admitted, a little fragile sound in the back of your throat. "She jumped from the Mapo Bridge two weeks ago, she's in hospital."

Saying it out loud made it so real and yet, it felt somehow deliberating that somebody other than your parents knew who you really were. That you could talk about Jieun with somebody like this.

"Did she really want to die?" You found yourself asking, a part of you afraid of the answer.

"She felt guilty for a lot of things. She wasn't as strong as she made herself seem but she didn't want her friends and family to know," the woman said in an understanding, emphatic tone and you wondered just how many things Jieun was hiding.

You thought you would feel closer to her if you went to Mapo, but you only had more questions. Standing by the railing of the bridge, you watched as the waves washed the shore quietly. On the way, you had walked by an emergency phone booth for people thinking of suicide and you wondered why your sister hadn't reached out. Why didn't she tell anybody that she had been struggling? The psychologist's words rang in your ear: she didn't want them to know. But still, why jumping? She had those prescribed pills, she could have painlessly overdosed herself if she really wanted to, why this? Did she want to give herself a chance to survive? Or was it just a sudden decision? Was it because of Yonghee? You thought of her last texts to him. Was she feeling guilty towards him too?

There was another thing that the psychologist said that made you think. Was the reason why she could tell the difference between you that she knew that Jieun had a twin sister to begin with? Maybe pretending to be her was only easy at school because nobody knew about you? Who would have guessed after all that you were a secret twin just because you acted a bit differently? Not even the teachers nagged you about the change in your test results. You aced English but sucked at Korean Literature and History. Everything else was mostly okay because science and Maths couldn't really have been taught differently. It was only temporary, you told yourself, it wasn't like you were going to take the CSATs instead of Jieun too.

Not how you took her place in this group of hers. The Film Club was just an excuse to get together because the closest you got to anything relevant was Jinyoung showing a recording through his phone's cracked screen about one student shoving others out of his way. It was shaky and taken from farther away but it showed just enough to know where it was taken and what was happening. Still, you knew that this much wouldn't do much. Gunhee's behavior would have been written off as rude but not as a bully.

"It won't be enough to convince people," you murmured and even though everybody must have known that, you were the scapegoat for saying it out loud.

"What? You want us to film when he kicks and hits kids for fun and do nothing just to have video evidence?" Byounggon snapped at you, his face distorted with disdain. As you glanced at him you saw something else there too though: guilt.

“Well, it's not like we would find any CCTV recordings now, would we?” You asked, keeping eye contact with him. Of course, you didn’t want any of you to just be bystanders and watch bullying happen, but you wanted to stay realistic and you knew that in a world where money and power talked, something like this wouldn’t have been enough, it would have gotten buried.

"And whose idea was the whole thing to begin with?" The guy retorted and seriously, you had no idea whether he had a problem with your sister, you or the whole world but his snarky comments bugged you.

"Wait…" Jinyoung interrupted, louder than he usually did, before you could have spoken up and potentially escalated the situation. Everybody turned to the boy because it was rare that he spoke with such vehemence and urgency. "Their phones… I had seen them record things before."

You felt dread spread in your body as you imagined just what kind of videos those could be. You watched Jinyoung closely, the way his hands were in fists, knuckles turning white and wondered, just what he could have seen.

The others were shaken up a bit as well.

“I’m sure they are sharing it in their disgusting group chat,” Byeol muttered.

“That’s messed up,” her boyfriend agreed but it was Seunghun who eventually threw in the idea:

“So… are we stealing a phone?”

Yep, you were planning to steal a phone. If only your parents knew what you were up to! If Jieun knew…

It was easier said than done because it wasn’t enough to take a phone. You needed it unlocked and preferably without anybody noticing that it was gone at least for a while, so you would get away with it the easiest. But Gunhee and his minions were going everywhere like a pack, it was hard to find them alone and unsuspecting, so you were over some unsuccessful attempts when the guys started to get restless and annoyed. You were afraid that one of them would do something rash and stupid, so you told them you would approach this thing differently. The bullies might not have trusted you knowing whom you were friends with and how vocal they and Jieun had been against them but boys were boys at the end of the day and if you implied that you liked them, their pride might have overshadowed their judgment. You just needed to ask to exchange numbers or KKT contact after all to have their phone in your hands, easy peasy. But Byounggon called your plan stupid and Seunghun looked at you with worry written all over his features as if they hadn’t put themselves in the crossfire with their previous attempts. Like Jinyoung who almost got into detention because of it.

"Is he… okay?" You asked later when it was just the two of you with Seunghun, tentatively.

Jinyoung clearly wasn't okay but you didn't know how to phrase it better. The dancer boy seemed to understand it though.

"Not really. Not since what happened with Yonghee," he said and despite still not knowing what exactly happened to their friend, it would have been too suspicious to ask now.

It was already too late to reveal the truth without burning the bridges behind you. But the more and more time you spent with them, the more guilty you felt whenever you lied to them. Like when you told Seunghun you didn’t take your usual bus because you headed in a different direction for your dental check up when in reality you went to visit Jieun.

You sat by her bed and held her hand. You whispered promises like that you wouldn’t mind if her friends hated you after they found out about the truth or even if she wouldn’t forgive you, you wouldn’t care if only she woke up. You had missed 6 years already, you didn’t want to miss more. You wanted to be there for her, so she wouldn’t feel so alone ever again to feel like she didn’t have any other choice but jump. You promised you would go against your parents if they wanted to separate you once again. You wouldn’t leave her alone, not again.

You stayed in the hospital until a nurse kindly sent you away and even then you weren’t ready to go home yet. There were days when it hit you that a tragedy (an almost tragedy) had to happen, so you would come back and it just didn’t feel right, without Jieun at the dinner table.

It was while you wandered around the neighborhood when you heard the angry yelling, a man threatening to call the cops and the next moment you saw a flash of somebody run past you and it was only because you had spent so much time around him lately that you recognized him in his signature hoodie over his school uniform right away. You didn’t really think, you didn’t really have the time, you acted on impulse as you ran after him and catching up, you grabbed him by the wrist to pull him into the first 24/7 corner convenience store you saw.

Panting, you crouched down behind one of the shelves before getting a good look at Byounggon’s bruised face.

“Just what have you been getting yourself into?” You questioned but probably your worry came across as an accusation because the boy’s only answer was to yank his arm out of your hold and sit down on the ground with his back to the fridge on the other side.

No matter how hard you watched him, you couldn’t tell if he was more angry, annoyed or embarrassed, so you decided not to push the topic. Sighing, you got up, made sure nobody was looking outside of the store's glass walls before picking up two cups of noodles, sausage, cheese and hard boiled eggs and went to the counter to pay.

Without saying anything you dropped a few items into Byounggon’s lap when you were done and walked to the dining-in part of the store to pour hot water over your noodles and started packing out at one of the plastic tables. Soon enough, the grumpy guy joined you as well, sitting across from you, putting down his own steaming cup of ramen.

“Did you cry?” He grunted out and you had the urge to laugh because if this was his idea of small talk or thank you, he was doing it wrongly. But still, since he noticed your puffy eyes, you automatically reached to wipe down any possible remnants of tears.

“No,” you objected poorly, not liking to cry in front of anybody.

Byounggon didn't call you out on your bullshit though, just shrugged and muttered something under his breath about you looking okay without the eyeliner too. You huffed out a laugh at the absurdity of his comment but felt a bit lighter after.

Clearly, you both had things you didn’t want to talk about, so you didn’t exchange any words while you waited for your noodles to soften and even then, when you both dived into the spicy hot late night meal of yours, chit-chatting wasn’t really among your plans. There was enough casual intimacy in sharing a meal. But the moment you slurped on your ramen, the flavourful taste startled you which obviously didn't go unnoticed by the boy.

"What? Does it not appease your rich taste?" He huffed but you were too baffled by the amazing taste to take offense in his tone.

"No, god, I missed convenience store food!" You admitted excitedly like a child, diving back into your instant ramen with the melted cheese and egg on top. Your mom never let you eat this kind of ‘junk food’, so it felt a bit like rebellion doing something like this behind her back but thinking about it, lately you had done worse things she wouldn't have been proud of.

Byounggon seemed a bit surprised but he didn’t make any more comments and continued eating instead but you didn’t forget his comment while devouring your new favorite guilty pleasure.

"Why are you so obsessed with my family's financial background anyway?"

"I'm not obsessed," the guy rolled his eyes and bit some off his sausage.

"Sure, you just like to point it out whenever you have a chance,” you reminded him and even though you knew that you didn’t owe him anything, you had enough of him acting like you were some spoiled princess. Sure, your family might have been privileged because you didn’t struggle financially but money couldn’t solve everything. “You know that I can't change that, right? What family I was born into. And it's not like it's picture perfect. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and I haven't seen my sister in 6 years, so whatever idea you have about it, it's not like that," you blurted out a bit more vehemently than you intended to before turning back to your food.

"I didn't know you had a sibling," he said, quietly. Out of all things he could comment on he chose this. But this confirmed your theory: the reason why Jieun’s friend didn’t even suspect you must have been because they didn’t even know you existed.

"Yeah, well, sometimes it feels like I don't," you muttered, casting your eyes down as you went back to slurp your noodle.

You weren’t sure what but something shifted between you and Byounggon after that night. He wasn’t so quick to make comments on you or your ideas but it didn’t mean that he didn’t nose into your business. If anything, suddenly he was everywhere.

You usually ate at the canteen with Seunghun, Hyunsuk and Byeol, sometimes joined by Jinyoung but never Byounggon. Now he put his tray at the end of your table more often than not. Even Seunghun notices that you didn’t argue that much.

“You know, you got somehow less reckless. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. You and Byounggon were always like fire and gasoline, a dangerous duo, always overbidding each other with crazy ideas. Now, it's almost like you can control his flamboyance with rationality," he told you and even though you didn’t feel like you could control the other guy at all, it was an interesting insight.

Was Jieun really like that? So hot-headed? Was that why Seunghun was constantly worried about her or was that because he knew that she put up a front? It was clear that he was the closest to Jieun of the group but you couldn’t be sure just how close. The boy had never implied that they were ever more than friends nor acted suggestively at all but still, sometimes when he looked at you ‒ at Jieun ‒ you couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to know.

But your head was already a mess with all the things going on with your sister, the bullies and Byounggon’s weird behavior. You didn’t want to add more to the pile. You were already too distracted as is, enough to get knocked out by a dodgeball the next time your grade had PE together. You only remember lying on the ground, looking up at the sky, other students hovering over you.

“Hey, are you ok?” Byounggon shook your shoulder and despite feeling dizzy, you tried to nod. He didn’t look convinced. “I will take you to the infirmary.”

“Don’t,” Seunghun brushed his hand off you. “I will take her.”

Next time you woke up, it was already late. The sky was dark outside of the window and the only light inside was provided by the yellow lamps in the infirmary room. It was quiet and empty, except for Seunghun dozing off in a chair next to your bed. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position, wincing when you touched a bruise you acquired during the fall. Maybe that was what brought back the boy to reality because he immediately rushed to your side, worried.

“Are you up? How do you feel?”

“As if I slept the day away,” you shrugged. You weren’t really in pain or tired but you still felt a bit sleepy. Hearing that, Seunghun sighed, relieved.

“The school nurse said that it’s unlikely that you got a concussion from that. You should get some rest, ice the bump and go to a hospital if you feel dizzy or nauseous,” he told you and offered a hand as you were getting out of the bed but you didn’t feel weakened, so you didn’t need his support no matter how much you appreciated his help.

“I should change,” you said since you were still in your PE clothes and you had the rest of your stuff in the girls’ dressing room or the classroom. Seunghun offered to get your bag while you put your uniform back on, so you agreed to meet in front of the changing rooms.

When you switched on the lights inside, you immediately noticed that something was off. On the metal locker in which you had previously put your clothes, there was a writing scribbled with red lipstick. It was smudged but there was no mistake in what it was supposed to be: bitch.

You furrowed your brows, not understanding where this suddenly came from. What had you or Jieun done that resorted somebody else to such means? Did Jieun have enemies? It was all too sudden after weeks of radio silence, so you tried to ignore it as you put back on your clothes and closed the locker. You didn’t say anything about it to Seunghun when he waited for you with your bag in hand.

“Thanks,” you smiled at him, grateful, and fished your phone out of the inner pocket. One glance at the screen was enough to know that the atmosphere at home wouldn't be great. You had missed dinner without telling your mother in advance after all. Or maybe they got a call from the school that something had happened with Jieun. One option was worse than the other.

"I need to go, mom wants me home," you excused yourself without thinking, turning to leave only for light fingers to circle around your wrist, keeping you in place. You looked back at Seunghun with furrowed brows, his expression just as confused.

"Your mom?" He asked, tentative and worried. Your heartbeat picked up its speed as you realised your mistake. Shit. "Is she back?"

With how close they were, you weren’t surprised that the boy knew about how, for Jieun, your mother was out of the picture, so no wonder he was surprised but honestly, after everything you had learned about her, you weren’t sure you knew how your twin sister would have reacted to your mother being back for a while. Because it was all temporary, you reminded yourself.

“Yeah. She has something to do in the city,” you shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, as if you didn’t just drop a totally cover-blowing information.

“So… she won’t stay?” Seunghun asked so softly as if he was fearing that his question could hurt you and once again, you were grateful that your sister had friends like him who cared about her like this.

“I don’t think so,” you shook your head and saw something painful flash in the boy’s warm brown eyes, so you reached out to squeeze his hand. “It’s okay. I’m okay,” you reassured him, not knowing if you were actually comforting him or yourself.

It happened so fast. You still hadn’t come up with a new plan about how to have proof about the main bullies of the school when you found yourself in the middle of a situation.

You ran into Byounggon and Jinyoung by one of the benches near the canteen and sat at their table. Before you would have never done that without Byeol or Seunghun beside you but the others were busy and by now you weren’t afraid that any of the boys would corner you with doubtful questions. Jinyoung acknowledged your presence with a brief glance then he turned back to his food, Byounggon on the other hand kept his eyes on you. Did you forget the eyeliner or did he find something else off? Either way, he didn’t comment on it and you all ate in silence.

Then you heard metal clattering on the floor and laughter that erupted somewhere further in the back. You were on your feet right away but the boys were quicker, so you could only follow them. Of course it was Gunhee and his gang. Girls and boys alike laughed over how one of their classmates fell, dropping his tray.

“You should have paid more attention. I can put my leg wherever I want to, can’t I?” Gunhee tsked as if it wasn’t his fault or intention. You stood there frozen, not sure how the situation would unfold with so many people watching but not daring to interrupt. You were all bystanders one way or another. Whenever people were watching but didn’t do anything it was partly their fault too. But you couldn’t blame them, not really, because they had their own reasons for not acting up: out of fear or because one wasn’t supposed to be nosy, not in a society like yours that depended on hierarchy like it was law written in stone.

“Come on, say sorry,” the guy cooed at his victim, kicking his tray even further away, his expensive sneakers smeared with the lunch. The kneeling boy in front of him stuttered out sorrys but apparently that wasn’t enough. “What was that? I didn’t quite hear you,” he pushed more and leaning down, he grabbed the boy by the hair.

That was when Jinyoung snapped. He bolted from by your side and grabbed Gunhee by his collar, pushing him against the table, pieces of metals making cacophony. You wanted to go there and pull him back, explaining that violence shouldn't have been the solution but instead you rushed to the boy on the ground and helped him up. He was too embarrassed to look you in the eyes and he quickly brushed your helping hands off him too before hurrying away.

Beside you there was chaos. The popular girls, like that Wonhee Jieun apparently had beef with, were either screaming or leaving but Jinyoung and Byounggon were fighting with Gunhee and his minions, punches thrown and kicks exchanged. It was two against five, they stood no chance. That’s why you ran to get a teacher to stop the fight even if it meant that all of you ended up in front of the teachers’ room after everybody on the scene was questioned in private, waiting for the verdict over the case of ‘unacceptable violence’.

“Everybody can leave except for Bae Jinyoung and Lee Byounggon,” the teacher who showed up claimed and from the bench across you Gunhee scoffed as if it was expected.

“Why can they just leave?” You stood up, confused, not reacting to the all too smug smile the bully guy flashed at you as he passed by you.

“Other than you, nobody thinks that Gunhee did anything to trigger your friends’ aggressive behavior and the other involved student you mentioned also said they were just joking around,” the teacher explained, tired and didn’t even give you a chance to retort before turning to the boys. “You two get a week of suspension. Be grateful that Gunhee’s mother didn’t insist on a harsher punishment.”

“But‒” You wanted to protest, to yell, to do anything because it was so unfair, it felt like a punch. Now you were feeling on your skin how much injustice it could cause when you went against powerful people who had the money and influence to have their way.

“Leave it,” Byounggon told you firmly and grabbed you by the wrist to hold you back from going after the teacher.

You couldn’t believe that both of them were so resigned, willing to go down without fighting. Were they tired of it, always being pushed down by people on the top? Were they giving up? You found yourself looking down at the boy with pleading eyes because they couldn’t do that, not now, but he just stared back at you, the corner of his lips lifting and he pulled out a phone from his hoodie’s pocket. It definitely wasn’t his because it was a new model and not to mention an iPhone for which he had practically called you a snob before.

“You got it!” You whisper-yelled, suddenly excited and feeling accomplished. Byounggon nodded at you and just held out the phone to Jinyoung who didn’t seem surprised at all, as if it was their plan from the beginning.

“I’ll leave first,” the other guy said after pocketing the phone. Neither of them seemed too upset over the week long suspension even though with the approach of the exams, they probably should have. But the phone and the videos on it mattered more than grades, the untold stories of hurt and the ugly reality. If it was revealed and the bullies were accordingly punished, maybe the victims could feel at least a bit at ease. You hoped at least.

You would have thought that Byounggon would walk away similarly too but instead, he turned to you, something serious you couldn't quite place written on his face.

"Wanna skip class with me?" He asked and you furrowed your brows, ready to protest but then realized that due to the whole incident it was already twenty minutes into your Maths class. You shrugged but followed the boy nevertheless.

You thought that he would go off school grounds since he was suspended anyways but instead he led you to the teachers' smoking area balcony on the third floor and beckoned you towards the ladder resting across the building's wall. You furrowed your brows, not sure that going up to the rooftop wasn't against some kind of rule but didn't say anything. You have broken enough rules for the day, one more couldn't have hurt.

You were climbing up the steps, taking Byounggon's outreached hand when you reached the top, barely noticing how his touch lingered when you saw the scenery. Everything around you seemed so small, so unimportant, it put life into a different perspective.

"Wow," you breathed, wandering farther ahead.

"I know, right? It's pretty cool," the boy behind you hummed. "I kept thinking why Yonghee chose this place to jump from. But after all, it was this school that killed him."

You froze in place, suddenly trembling despite the warm breeze in the air. The boy didn't seem to notice as he sat down on the ground and lied down to watch the cloudy sky.

"Sometimes we keep doing things that's killing us," he added and you couldn't help but glance at him then, the blooming bruise on his cheek, the firm line of his lips. "Did you know that my father died from smoking? I was fourteen."

He didn't expect an answer as he took out the lighter he always played with. Your heart churned at the sight.

"Do you miss him?" You asked, gently, not pushing. You wanted to reach out and hold his hand, reminding him that he wasn't alone.

"Yeah," he whispered, a heavy word on such a sharp tongue. He turned to you, head tilted, his fringe messy against his forehead but eyes so so clear. "Do you miss your mom?"

You needed a beat to realize that he asked about your mother because of Jieun. Of course, he did.

"I do," you echoed, because your sister must have missed your mother the same way you missed your father. It wasn't the same as him though, at least they were alive and yet, that somehow hurt more that they willingly decided to stay out of your lives.

"You know…" Byounggon started as he sat up, quiet like he was sharing a secret, his eyes boring into yours. "I wish you had come into my life sooner."

You blinked slowly, throat dry and heart beating like a drum. You couldn't look away from the intensity of Byounggon's eyes, his words hanging between you like a thread that binded. Your breath hitched as he inched closer.

You thought of his outstretched hand, of him getting you napkins at the convenience store, of throwing back the paper spitball that was thrown at you in the canteen, telling you that you looked okay without makeup too, of him holding you gently, insisting to take you to the infirmary… but no, it all wasn't for you. He believed you were Jieun, all of them did.

The realization once again felt like a slap that even if he liked you, he didn't like you for you but for being Jieun. Their constant banter must have been their version of flirting.

You were too busy living your sibling's life to realize your own feelings, that the reason why it felt like ache in your chest was because you actually started to feel like you belong in this group, you started trying too hard to act like your sister because they accepted you like this. Seunghun noticed the change, so they all must have. Didn't Byounggon?

You turned your head before he could have closed the distance between you and let out a shaky breath. You could feel his breath against your cheek, warm, and then when he pulled away, it hurt even more but you couldn't do that to Jieun. You couldn't do that to him. It wouldn't have been fair to any of you.

Just then the school bell rang in the distance and in its echo, your (Jieun's) phone buzzed, Seunghun's name on the screen. You took it without thinking, needing any distraction you could get.

"Hey, I heard what happened. Where are you? Are you okay?" The boy asked, worried probably because you didn't show up for class.

"Yeah I'm good, I'm with Byounggon," you replied, fingernails digging into the cement under you. You could tell Seunghun tried not to sound disappointed when you mentioned the other boy but right then it was too much, so you just told him you would go to your next class, not to worry about you. It also gave you a valid reason to leave.

"I have to go," you excused yourself once you disconnected the call and Byounggon didn't try to stop you as you stood up.

"When will you stop lying?" He asked suddenly though and his voice was thunder in the quiet.

You forgot to breathe for a moment and you stared back at him with widened eyes. You expected him to be fierce and mad since for the first time he actually had a valid reason to dislike you. But you looked him in the eyes, dark as always and somehow this time it was softer. There was some kind of understanding in it. He usually had so much pent up anger at the world and guilt to deal with. You assumed that his clear dislike towards your financial status had come from the latter. Or maybe he just needed an outlet for his anger and your sister's personality provided him the perfect banter to de-stress.

"What?" You asked, dumbfounded, fearing but not sure that he actually figured out the truth about your real self. Would he have looked at you like this if he had done? Would he have confronted you before telling all your... his friends about you or even the whole school?

Byounggon sighed, his gaze never wavering.

"You are not Jieun," he said, certain, and your heart was beating in your chest like crazy. You wanted to object out of reflex but at the same time you didn't want to keep lying anymore. He didn't even let you. "The Jieun I know is reckless, acts first, thinks later. The Jieun I know hates her mom for leaving her and has a scar on her arm from when we got into a fight one time. The Jieun I know would have slapped me if I tried to kiss her."

Your breath hitched at the last part but you tried not to get fixated on the detail that he even mentioned that. You had bigger problems to take care of.

"When did you figure it out?"

"You have been suspicious for a while. Suddenly you were more naive and cursed under your nose in English but I became sure that something was off when you fainted during PE. The lack of scar confirmed it."

If he had a hunch ever since then that it meant that when he was going to kiss you... he really meant to kiss you, not Jieun and yet, he had never said anything. Was he waiting for you to reveal yourself? Is that why he brought you there, why he told you about his father, why he tricked you to talk about your mom?

"So... who are you? The sibling I guess. Twin?" He asked and it would have made no sense to deny it further, so you nodded. "Where is Jieun? I doubt you are reenacting The Parent Trap."

You wanted to snort at his mention of the old Lindsay Lohan movie and wished that was the case. You never planned to tell them this way but he had the right to know, so you bit the bullet and told him about what happened in the simplest terms you could manage:

"She is at a hospital. She jumped from the Mapo Bridge. That's when my mom and I came back to Seoul last month."

"And you just decided to carry on with her life?" Byounggon raised a brow and you knew exactly how crazy it was but you had your own reasons.

"I wanted to understand why she did it," you explained even though pretending to be her got you nowhere near close.

"Well, good luck with that," the boy said bitterly and you wondered whether he was thinking of Yonghee. Whether everybody in the group had such deep trauma after what happened with him. The lack of his presence seemed to have affected all their lives deeply.

"Can you tell me what happened with Yonghee? I found Jieun's last texts with him and I think it might have something to do with her reason," you pleaded at which Byounggon looked away, his expression weary and sad and you were about to tell him not to mind your nosy ass but then he started talking and he didn't stop.

He told you about how the group had been formed, coincidences pushing them together and like-mindedness keeping them together. They were different in many aspects: families, hobbies, goals and yet, they could be themselves comfortably around each other. There had been the five of them at first, then Seunghun had befriended Jieun. Hyunsuk had only started dating Byeol after what had happened to Yonghee. There had been a time when their group seemed to fall apart, each of them blaming themselves in a way, yet ironically it had been Yonghee and the Film Club that had brought them together again. That was when they had decided to do something about the bullies, so what had happened to their friend wouldn't happen to others. Yonghee had been facing a lot of academic pressure from his parents and bullies had liked to pick up on him too. Byounggon had known but he hadn't done anything about it, not until it was already too late. Neither had done Jinyoung and he had taken it even worse.

"Did Jieun know?"

"With his bruises, I think we all could have guessed it sooner. We could have helped but Yonghee was always so guarded, claiming he was fine. I think we were afraid it was his father,” Byounggon trailed off, quiet, his nails drawing crescents into his skin through the tear in his pants. “Jieun and him got into a fight before... you know. I think it was about some grade. Jieun told him he was overreacting and he didn't take it well saying he had to prove his worth for his father."

Oh, that would have explained the texts between your sister and him. Could it have been one of the last straws? Could it have been why Jieun was also struggling? All you had was guesses but Byounggon was right, you could never know what was going on in another person’s head, not even if you were friends or family. Everybody had their own reasons and nobody could know when somebody would reach their tipping point. It could have been something small and otherwise insignificant that pushed them too far.

“You need to tell the others,” Byounggon spoke up again and you cast your eyes down. It was easier said than done. It was easier to avoid than facing your wrongdoings.

“Don’t you hate me?” You asked, because you were sure that would happen if any of them realized that you deceived them and lied for weeks, listening to stories they wouldn’t have shared with strangers like you.

“No. I mean, it wasn’t the smartest plan but I was mostly confused when Jieun started to act differently. The others will understand why you did it, too,” he said and while you weren’t as sure as him, he knew his friends more than you did, so you nodded, promising him that you would. But not yet, you weren’t ready yet.

The boys’ suspension gave you some time to think over things, to get prepared for the end of this play and ironically you realized that you were sad that you would never see them again. But it was always supposed to be this way, you weren’t supposed to stay and become a part of their lives or them, a part of yours.

All of you gathered at the Film Club’s room, watching the video Jinyoung had edited during his time away from the material he had found on the memory card in the stolen phone. He covered the victims’ faces but never the bullies, who could be clearly recognized in all of the edited pieces. It was undeniable evidence, it would ruin the current fabolous life of those guys but they deserved it. So you posted it on the school website’s forum and on every major video sharing platform, making it impossible to get it down too easily.

With that done, feeling accomplished, there was nothing else left to do. You gulped nervously, stealing a glance at the boy in his hoodie, his eyes encouraging you as you stood up to face the others.

“I have to tell you something,” you admitted in a higher pitched voice than usual because you were nervous and from then on it was like an avalanche. You rambled about how you didn’t want to lie to them but it was necessary because you knew nothing about your sister and it felt like the only way. Only when everybody stared at you clearly confused, did you realize that you missed the most important bit. “I’m not actually Jieun. I’m her twin sister.”

The shocked silence that followed was expected and you felt bashful under the stares.

“Wait, what? Are you serious?” Hyunsuk broke the silence first, furrowing his brows, looking closer.

“I can’t believe that you guys didn’t notice,” Byounggon scoffed, oh so helpful as always, at which Byeol was quick to retort.

“Of course, we noticed! She even came with me shopping once. Jieun never did that. I just thought that maybe she changed.”

Okay, so far you had to admit it wasn’t as bad as you expected. Jinyoung seemed way more invested in the video statistics than whether you were or weren’t Jieun but Seunghun’s silence was actually scary.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, feeling small and guilty but for the first time since you had known him, his warm brown eyes were unkind.

“Did you have fun?” He accused you and you had never seen him so angry. You deserved it though, so you understood it. He was the closest to Jieun after all, he had every right to know what was happening with her, but he didn’t even let you answer, he almost stumbled across the table as he tried to get to you in a hurry.

“Where is she? The real Jieun?” Seunghun asked, desperation dripping from his voice and you tried not to think too much into how protectively Byounggon stood between the two of you when he had seen the other guy lunge towards you.

“Would you like to visit her with me?” You inquired instead of directly answering. Your parents made sure that only family members were allowed into the ward where Jieun was kept, so no matter how mad Seunghun was at you, he couldn’t see her without you.

“We’re all going. She’s our friend,” Byeol claimed and you didn’t argue, just nodded at her.

The bus ride was mostly her and Hyunsuk asking you questions about your real life. It was almost like they tried to get to know you for real. It was ridiculously good for your heart that they took it so well. When you locked eyes with Byounggon accidentally, his knowing look was like an unsaid ‘I told you so’ and you smiled at him, grateful, nevertheless.

When you arrived at the hospital, you could feel the tension in the air. It must have brought back a lot of memories for them. You could see the way Jinyoung stopped in his tracks by the entrance before he cleared his throat.

“I will wait for you guys out here.”

“I will stay with him.” Byounggon offered.

The rest of you went in, finding Jieun just as you had left her last night, on machines, pale and vulnerable. Quietly, you told them about the bridge and what the doctors had said about her chances. You promised you would talk with the hospital, so they could visit Jieun on their own too and at that, Seunghun at least spared a glance at you. Byeol patted you on the shoulder.

“He will forgive you too. He’s just blaming himself for not noticing,” she mouthed.

You glanced at the way Seunghun was looking at your sister and it made so much sense.

So this was it. The dreading end of pretending. You hoped it would end on a happier note, Jieun waking up and taking back her life. But in a way it was fair this way, that you had to step down yourself because you couldn’t pretend anymore and you didn’t know how to be yourself around the guys. If they even wanted you to. You didn’t want to wait to find out the hard way, it would have made no sense. You would eventually have to go back to the UK. You didn’t plan to stay this long in the first place. You had heard your parents talk the other day, that they wouldn’t have thought Jieun would be on machines for so long. You feared that it would be their way of saying that they would let her go but you were glad when it wasn’t the case. Still, it was your mother’s reminder that she didn’t plan to stay afterwards. She had built a new life in Europe for herself and you. But back then, you didn’t have a choice to go or to stay, legally you still couldn’t but now you could stand up for what you wanted more. And what you wanted? It felt so selfish.

You stayed in the hospital until visiting hours ended, so you didn’t expect Byounggon and Jinyoung to still be waiting for you outside. As Seunghun elbowed his way through the friend group's little crowd, Jinyoung followed him quietly, throwing an arm around him supportingly. You thought the others would leave too, without saying goodbye, but Byeol, the always sweetheart, hugged you briefly and waved her goodbye with a little smile before taking her boyfriend’s hand and tugging him towards the bus stop.

You glanced at the boy still standing beside you, his dark eyes haunting but gentle and you didn’t know what to do with yourself. The whole situation was probably the most unfair to him because you wanted to go back to that time at the rooftop and let him kiss you now that you knew that he had figured your lies out by then. But what would it have been good for when you weren’t meant to stay?

“See? It wasn’t that bad,” Byounggon broke the silence and in a way he was right, other than Seunghun, everybody took it pretty well, better than you expected. You still felt guilty though. Towards them, towards Jieun.

“Still, tell them I’m sorry,” you sighed and finding it hard to look him in the eye, you turned to walk in the other direction. You weren’t sure where exactly, just to hide, away.

“Are you going to just disappear?” The boy called after you as if he was reading your mind. He seemed to know you better than anybody despite not knowing much about you at all. It froze your limbs with a heavy feeling.

“Why not? Now you all know where and how Jieun is,” you said, thinking that you didn’t need to explain the obvious. Even if you didn’t get the answers you wanted, at this point you doubted you would this way and they didn’t need a middleman like you either.

“And you think we wouldn’t be worried about you?” Byounggon asked and it sounded so much like an accusation that it made you turn around, to face him.

“I was never supposed to be part of your lives.”

“It’s too late for that,” he retorted, firm and direct, and your lower lip trembled.

You loved your parents but their divorce made you feel like an asset, something to choose, something without a choice itself. Maybe that’s why your life never really felt like yours, just a half of whole. Maybe the reason why you didn’t make lasting friendships was because you were afraid your mom would pack up one day and take you away with her without questions asked. It was ironic that you felt the most at home when you carved yourself into Jieun’s place.

“Stay,” Byounggon whispered and you thought of him sticking by your side in the last weeks, sitting next to you quietly in a convenience store after midnight with a bruise on his cheeks, him still being there. I wish you had come into my life sooner, he had told you, his words still echoing in your ears. He saw you, really you. Not Jieun or the mirror image of her. He saw you for yourself and the relief that washed over you brought tears into your eyes.

When he hugged close, quieting your sobs with the soft material of his worn hoodie, you finally realized: you weren’t alone, not anymore.

For those feeling betrayed by the open end, here are some notes about what happens after this:

Jieun wakes up with Seunghun beside her. Yes, Seunghun is in love with her and she knew, she ignored it on purpose because she thought she didn’t deserve it (I can see them getting together though)

the bullies do get dealt with and using the virality of the video, the gang keeps working on making changes in how bullying is treated as a norm and how stressful is the current education system

MC makes up with her sister (who rolls her eyes whenever she sees her with Byounggon). They go to family therapy though to get through their problems

MC goes back to UK to graduate but comes back to Korea for university to help the gang with their new initiatives

#cix x reader #cix angst #cix scenarios #bx x reader #byounggon x reader #stories

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