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shhhimwritingat3am · 7 years

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Ashes to Fire Part II

PHOENIX

I tell Fadi my story: the reason behind my serious façade, the reason why I don’t sleep over anywhere, why I don’t let anyone in, why I’m not with anyone even though I’m twenty-eight years old. I tell him every excruciating detail. At some point Kay walks in and comes to my other side. She holds me in her embrace willing me strength. She’s never heard me talk about Daniel and the girls in these four years. With her presence, and as I tell the stories, I’m taken back to what I hold now a less complicated time.

I’m 15 year’s old. There’s a party later and I’ve decided to take Paul with me. He came from Germany to spend the summer with my family and I feel bad leaving him behind. Our grandmothers were cousins so we’re practically family. We get to the party and I see Alexander talking to Sofia. I rush up to him and give him a big hug and kiss. “Alexei! Cuando llegastes?” I ask him. He smiles that signature half smile of his, “Hoy. Aterize y vine directo pa’ ‘ca.” I laugh and turn to Paul, “Alexei’s been off at boarding school in England. He comes back every Christmas, but last year his family went to spend it over there.” I see comprehension flood Paul’s face. I introduce the two boys and grab Paul’s hand to go dance. I feel it’s my obligation to teach him to dance correctly. Like I tell him, “That way all those German girls won’t know what hit ‘em.” We dance a little and I think to myself, “Now, they’ll all notice.” Always saying I’m just like a sister to them. Ugh, so annoying. Now they’ll see me with Paul and realize I’m not a sister. “Is he your boyfriend?” Paul asks me interrupting my childish game. “Huh? No. Not at all. It’s just I’ve known him, just like everyone else, since I was a baby practically.” “Oh.” He says. I work my way around the party. Introducing Paul to everyone and talking to people about plans for New Year’s Eve. I leave Paul talking about soccer with some guys. I head over to the makeshift bar in the far corner of the patio. I grab a beer out of the blue cooler on the floor for Paul and set it on top of the bar. Then I walk around it to the mini-fridge and take out the vodka and cranberry juice. I pour myself a glass. As I’m finishing it up with a slice of orange Alexei comes up and sits down on one of the wobbly stools. Without looking up at him I say, “I wouldn’t sit on that if I were you.” He smiles, “These old things will never break. Remember Cody?” I laugh at the memory. “How much do you think he weighed back then? Let’s see if it will hold us.” I look at him with a squint. “Very cute.” He opens his arms to me, “C’mon. You say it won’t withstand us and I say it will. If I win you kiss me. If you win I kiss you.” “Ha. Ha,” I say drily. I grab my drink and try grabbing Paul’s before he puts his hand on mine stopping me from grabbing the beer. “C’mon. Don’t be like that. I just got here.” “It doesn’t mean you can get what you want. Your parents may do that out of guilt, but I don’t feel guilty.” He puts his hand to his chest, “That hurts.” He still has his hand on mine and makes me sit on his lap. I look at him, “Happy?” “Very,” he breathes in my face. I can smell the sweetness of the rum and cokes he’s been having. I try getting up and lose my balance and fall right back down on his lap again. The stool collapses. My drink spills all over my dress and more than half the party sees my black G-string. Alexei is laughing so hard he can’t get up. I scramble to straighten my dress but keep losing my balance. Alexei still hasn’t let go of my hand. “Sueltame!” I yell at him. Finally he frees my hand and I’m able to get up more successfully. I storm off the patio and ask a friend for a cigarette on my way to the front of the house. Instead, she gives me a blunt by mistake. I look at it in frustration and put in my pocket. I lean against the wall by the front door and stare at all the chauffeurs. Some of them are asleep in the big SUVs, others are walking about smoking a cigarette. I walk over to one of them and ask for one. He says he doesn’t have anymore. Bummed I head back to the front steps and sit down. I hear him before he approaches me. “Porfa, Alexei. Deja de molestarme.” I tell him. “Ay Nix, no sea asi. It’s not like no one’s ever seen your ass before.” It’s not Alexei, but Daniel. I smile at him. “When did you get here?” “Just in time.” I roll my eyes at him, “Why do you all have to be so annoying.” “C’mon, Nix. You have a very nice ass. At least it doesn’t look like Alejandrina’s.” We laugh. I give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks.” “For what?” He smiles looking into my eyes. “For making me laugh as usual.” He laughs a good hearty laugh. “Anytime, Phoenix.”

*****

Daniel grabs my hand and we walk up the stairs to the party. We walk in and immediately a server offers us something to drink. I take one, but he doesn’t. We dance and I drink and we laugh with our friends. After my third drink Dani takes me outside to the balcony. We look at all the drunk people passing by. We throw tiny pieces of ice on them and watching their reaction. We laugh and continue to play this evil game. “Phoenix?” Dani asks. I look at him, suddenly feeling alarmed. I see him coming in closer and knowing what he is about to do I grab his hand and pull him onto the dance floor. “Let’s dance. I love this song.”

FADI

“Ten years ago I married a man I had known my whole life.” Phoenix begins to tell her story and already with that sentence, I want to bolt fearing the worst. “It was one of three of the happiest moments of my life. A year later we had a baby girl named Loraina. She was a gorgeous thing with eyes as blue and deep as the ocean and hair as black and shiny as ebony. I never thought I could love the way I did with her. She was everything to me. I took motherhood very seriously. I read books, I did research on the Internet, I asked other mothers about their ideas on parenthood. Every moment was a learning opportunity for me. We were always learning. Sometimes I’d teach her things that I already knew and sometimes we’d learn interesting things together. We went to museums, parks, and the beach all the time. I taught her to speak, to walk, to eat, to spell, to read, to ride her bike, everything you can imagine. She was my life. And Daniel would add on to whatever we were doing in the afternoons and weekends. We were always busy but somehow not. We led a very carefree life; almost hippie-like. We had no worries, no big ones anyways. Then, when I was about to turn twenty-three we had a second baby; a little girl. We named her Cora. She looked nothing like her sister. Loraina was in love with Cora. She would help me with everything. I had two beautiful daughters. Our lives couldn’t get any better. Just after Cora’s third birthday Daniel and I got into our biggest fight yet. I can’t remember what it was about. It could have been about his grandmother or about my group of friends and their crazy antics. It was dumb, but it was aggressive. I told him that I wanted a break. I wanted to escape of being all these titles (mother, wife, lover, friend, etc) for a little while. He takes a mini-vacation with his firm all the time. I wanted the same. That’s when the argument escalated. He got the kids and said, “Fine. You want a break? I’ll give you one.” I never thought it’d be permanent. It’s been four years this February since their death. These past few years I have tried to erase that from my memory. I have forgotten how things really ended. How my babies and husband were ripped away from me as if I didn’t deserve them. And for the first year that’s exactly how I felt. I would wallow in all the negativity. How I could’ve saved them, how if I wasn’t selfish they’d still be alive. Now, I’d give up my entire freedom to be with them. I’d embrace all my titles just to be with them again. I’d be happier and more grateful. I wouldn’t think a single bad thought. For a few months I blamed Daniel for everything. I would go to his grave cursing at him and blaming him for the way my life was at the moment. That last stage didn’t last very long. After that I believed that God simply wanted to show me what He could do. I believed my life was perfect before the accident. I believed that Daniel was the perfect husband, the kids the perfect children, me the perfect wife. Until very recently I started seeing the truth. I’ve started to relive certain memories, realizing how imperfect we were.” She falls silent and I take it all in. Kay sooths her by running circles along her arm. “Kay thinks you’re the reason why I’m getting ‘better’ as she says it. Maybe that’s the case, but I think it’s the fact that I’m letting you in.” She turns to Kay, “Honey. It could have been anyone. Maybe I could’ve gotten better sooner if I hadn’t turned away from everyone. If I was still friends with Greta. If I weren’t so young. But don’t blame yourself, I’m the fucked up one, honey. All these years you’ve been my rock, and I think I’m here now because of your strength. Some progress is progress, honey honey. I love you ma soeur.” Kay starts to cry, “I love you schwester.” I slowly get up from the bed and walk out into the living room. I sit on the couch and stare out at the night sky. The moon is just passing overheard, but I can still see its warm light shining through. I run my hands through my hair, feeling…helpless.

PHOENIX

Kay confides in me everything she had been feeling all these years. We cry together, we listen to each other, and for once Kay doesn’t feel sorry for me. “I started believing that you guys had the perfect relationship too. I’d forgotten all those fights you’d had. All those times he left you because he took his personal vacation. I’d forgotten how bratty the girls were. How mom used to nag at you all the time. How do you forget all the bad?” “Some people forget the good. It’s a coping mechanism. The best thing is to remember all of it.” “Oh, Nixie. I’m so happy that you’re talking now. It’s been hell all these years. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I had no idea you were feeling all that, that you decided to keep moving forward because of me. I don’t think anyone would have thought less of you if you would’ve run home to Nicaragua.” “That’s the thing, Kay. Nicaragua isn’t my home anymore. Miami is and it will always be my home. My girls were born here, and you weren’t my only motivator. Everything that I do, I still do for my girls. They will always motivate me to be a better person. I don’t think I can ever leave Miami.” “I’m sure you can. Look at where you are now, compared to four years ago. It’s a big difference.” “I guess.” Kay and I lie on my bed until the sun comes up.

I leave Kay sleeping and I walk out into the living room to make coffee and banana bread, Kay’s favorite. As I open the refrigerator I find a note on it:

Phoenix:

I went running. I needed time to think. I’m sure you can understand. I’ll give you a call later.

Fadi

I understand, Fadi. I let the task at hand distract me. I feel the whole in my chest open up again, but this time I put my heart above it to shield it from any pain. I take a few deep breaths in and feel the pain from the gaping hole subside. As I have done, and will continue to do—one day at time.

* * * * * * * * * * *

PHOENIX

Kay and I are sitting down at the dining table eating an early dinner. We have about an hour before I have to drop her off at the airport. She had to change her flight information since we missed the earlier flight from sleeping in this morning. She’s grinning like a hyena, why? I don’t know. “Why are you smiling so big?” “Huh?” She says finally looking at me. “I just love Thai Beef Noodles. You know it’s my favorite.” “Uh huh.” I start to pick up our plates, “No way. Big sister. I’m washing dishes. Isn’t that your rule?” “Yes. Since when have you been concerned about my rules?” “Since now.”

“Dani! I’m home.” I say giggling, thinking of I Love Lucy! I place Loraina in her high chair and give her some Cheerios. She’s just learning the pincer grasp and I want to encourage that as much as possible. Also, I forgot to give her a snack during our errands. “Babe?” I call out again. I hear shuffling coming from the formal living room. I walk towards the room when Dani shouts, “Don’t you dare take another step!” He rushes out of the room. I take another step, “I’m warning you!” He comes up to me almost tripping over his feet. He reaches me, picks me up, and puts me back in the kitchen. “I said not one more step. Why don’t you ever listen?” I giggle, “Because then I wouldn’t be the girl you love so much.” “Explain to me why I love your stubbornness so much?” I reach for his lips on my tippy-toes and give him a kiss. I lean over him to check on Loraina. She’s happily playing/eating with the Cheerios. I smile at her. She looks up at me and smiles in return. Daniel wraps his arms around me. I rest my head on his chest. “I have something for you,” he whispers into my hair. “Yes?” I smile expectantly. “Grab Loraina and come to the formal living room.” I make a face. “The living room?” I look doubtful. He smiles at me as he makes his way across the house. I get Loraina and follow him. He reaches the formal living room and shuts the door. He takes Loraina from me and tells me to open the door. I throw the door open and see a very clean living space and a giant wooden piece of something in the middle. My mouth falls open as I realize what I’m staring at. “No you didn’t! Oh my goodness you did!” I squeal. He walks past over my stunned person to the bench and sits. He pats the space next to him, “Come. Play for us please. I miss hearing you practice.” I sit down and open the flap. I gently lay my fingers on the keys.

“Now why are you smiling?” Kays asks as she picks up my plate. “I was just remembering when Dani gave me that piano.” “Oh.” She looks toward the far end of the condo, where the piano is dusty and forgotten in a locked room. “I miss hearing you play.” “It’s just something else that reminds me of how I mistreated Dani. How much I yelled at him and got angry with him.” “What are you talking about?” “That night that Dani brought home the piano I got into an argument with him because he refused to wash the dishes. I should’ve made love to him; instead we had makeup sex. I was never grateful.” “What are you talking about? Sex is sex, as you always say. And anyways, that’s why everyone loved you guys, why they looked up to you.” “What are you talking about?” “Nixie. You and Dani were honest with each other. You guys did nice things to each other because you wanted to, not because you owed the other person. Yes, you guys argued and that was annoying, but you were always honest.” Kay goes into the kitchen and starts to wash the dishes. I stay sitting at the dining table thinking about what she just said. I get up and find the ring of keys and unlock the door that holds the piano. I take the white sheet off and blow at the keys. Dust fills the air around me causing me to sneeze. I sit straight up and hover my fingers over the piano keys. I close my eyes, take a deep breath in and play one of Daniel’s favorites. In the middle of the piece Kay sits down next to me and leans her head on my shoulder. I feel another presence, but I don’t acknowledge it until I’m done. I play the piece two more times, on a loop until finally my hands give in and I can’t play any longer. I look at my little sister and hug her tightly, “I promise to get better.” She wipes her face, “Well, come on. I’m gonna be late.” I help her with her carry-on as she gets her purse and passport.

I miss the turn for my street and I go straight to the cemetery. I wave at the guard and he returns a sad smile. I get out of the car and walk toward Dani’s grave. I lie down and summon him to me. I close my eyes and imagine him lying next to me with his arms wrapped around me. Without even asking him he says, “Your sister is right, baby. You can’t believe that we were perfect. We were far from perfect. And that is what made us, us.” “How can you say that? I don’t remember a single time we fought. We had arguments; that’s it.” He laughs at me, “How can you say that babe? We always fought! Arguments? Ha!” he scoffs. I snuggle closer to him and wrap every one of my limbs around his. I try to breathe in his scent, but all I smell is dirt. “You smell funny.” I say scrunching up my nose. He begins to stroke my hair. “Do you remember how lazy I’d get when it came to buying new clothes or shoes?” I laugh, “Yeah. I used to hate it when you left the house with your faded black pants that were practically grey. But I thought it was cute.” “Cute? Who are you fooling? For weeks you yelled at me every time I left the house in them. You gave me lecture upon lecture. How I should feel lucky that we have the money for me to buy new clothes. That there are people in the world who are forced to wear pants like that and I’m choosing it only out of laziness. When you finally got tired of talking you ripped up my pants. And when I got home you made sure that I saw you using it as rags.” I pout, sticking out my lip more than normal so that he can nibble on it like how he used to, “I would never…” “Phoenix,” he interrupts, “don’t you dare lie to me. Stop lying to yourself.” he sighs heavily. Then, the memory floods my head and I can hear my former self yelling at him and then using his pants to clean our wooden table. As the memory fades, I notice that so does Dani. I panic, “Don’t go.” He looks into my eyes with all the love I remember, “I have to babe. You need to start letting me go.” “I don’t think I can.” I say looking away from him as a tear escapes my eye. “I know you can.” He reassures me lifting his translucent hand to my tear to wipe it away. I pucker my lips waiting for his to meet mine. He obliges and then I feel nothing. I get up from the grass and wipe my clothes clean.

***

Kay and I talk often while she is away. I know she’s checking up on me, but in a way I am too. Despite everything, I still want to make sure my little sister is all right and that she’s getting herself into just the right amount of trouble. Kay has decided to spend the entire summer in Washington due to her internship; she’s set on moving there. “No beach, Kay? No more spaghetti straps, or short shorts. What are you gonna do with all those layers?” I laugh, but I already miss her. “I’m a chameleon. I adjust. And, besides, I love the nature here. All the pictures I’ve taken and all the hiking trips I’ve gone on already. Everything is vivid, but muted at the same time. But as summer goes on, it becomes more vivid. And there are lakes here. People go there and there are pools too.” “Well, good for you Sissy. I hope they offer you the position.” “Me too. I love the work I’m doing.” I hang up and continue working on a new proposal for IDL. In the course of three months we have secured ten children for appointments. Matt and I have already set meetings with several deans and school board members to discuss expansion. I never thought I could get this much done in so little time. I guess when you have so much time there’s nothing left to do. At nights, when I run along the beach my mind wanders and I think of Fadi. It’s funny how easy I can revert to hold habits. Thinking about when and if he’ll call me. Sometimes blaming myself for being too open, too soon. I suppose that the best way to trust someone is to simply trust them. Essentially I lost the one person I could trust, the one person who has ever known about me and my needs. Not even my so-called friends knew me enough, and when I did trust them, they stabbed me in the back. There are so many factors why I am in this state of mind; more than what Kay thinks, or anyone else. It’s never as easy as it seems.

FADI

I consistently think back to that night with Phoenix and her sister. The manner in which I fled, the cryptic note I left behind, and the thoughts that consumed me during and after the story—saying this girl is too much. I could never be enough for her, and I wouldn’t want to even try. At least that’s what I thought until I read her thesis in the Psychology Review. Just her name in print made me want to see her again. What man becomes weak at the knees for some girl? “Mammá?” I call the one person whom I know would understand this situation. “Comme va, figlio mio?” She says on the other end of the telephone. “Sto bene, e tu?” “You know your father.” I put my hand to my forehead and massage my temples trying not to react about my father. “What’s the matter, figlio mio?” “Mammá, I need to ask you a question. And I need your absolute honest answer.” “Si, figlio, qualunque avete bisogno.” I explain to her all that happened with Phoenix before me, and while she’s been with me. I explain to my mother that Phoenix is an accomplished woman. How strong I believe her to be, how beautiful she is, and how tender she is despite what life has thrown at her. “Mammá, cosa devo fare?” “I don’t think you have a choice.” “What do you mean?” “Fadi, you are in love and you have no choice in the matter. This is your fate. To be with her. The moment her family died you already didn’t have a choice. I’m sorry that this your destiny, but while fate is being cruel to you, it is being kind to her.” I start to get angry, “How is it being cruel to me?” “Darling, she will never love you as she loved him. You will always be second. It’s not what I would want for you. And as your mother, I ask that you consider forgetting about her.” I think about it for a moment. I think about these last couple of months without Phoenix, without seeing her on the beach or at Big Pink. For only knowing her for a little period of time I feel like there is something in my life, and it wasn’t missing before. I resign, “I can’t.” “Lo so, Fadi.” She says sadly. “Grazie, Mammá.�� “Di niente. Ti amo.” “Ti amo. Ciao.” “Ciao.”

* * * * * * * * *

PHOENIX

“Hello?” I decide to answer the unknown number, fearing it might be Kay. “Hello, Phoenix.” A breath escapes my lips and I feel my heart beat slightly faster. Is that warmth creeping on my cheeks? “Hello, Fadi.” “Did you know you came out in Psychology Review?” He asks good-naturedly. ‘”No, I didn’t know. What is it?” “I’m assuming it’s your thesis. It’s very good.” “Thank you.” “How could you not know?” “It belongs to my professor. He can do with it as he pleases. I’m surprised he gave me any credit at all.” “Oh. Yes, I see his name printed here. He says he was a collaborator.” I laugh. “If by collaborator meaning he marked passed in his grade book, then I suppose he did contribute.” Fadi laughs. There’s an awkward silence. “Phoenix?” he whispers so low I can barely hear him. I don’t respond. “Phoenix,” he tries again, “listen. Are you hungry?” I smile, not expecting that and appreciating him not going back to that night. “Yes.” “Big Pink?” “My favorite.”

FADI

There are moments in life when one knows what to do, when one can see the light at the end of the tunnel and rushes out into the blinding sun. Sometimes, however, that blinding sun may blind you for too long and the other end of the tunnel may not be what you expected, but there’s no going back.

Phoenix walks up to me and gives me a chaste, respectful kiss on the cheek, “Hi.” “Hi.” I respond drinking in the sunshine that is pouring out of her. I open the door for her, I follow her in, and she walks directly to the booth we shared. “Phoenix, I want to say—“ She brings her hand up, palm facing me. “Don’t. You did what you had to do. It’s OK.” She rests her hand on my outstretched one. “Fadi, I understand I’m not easy. It’s the reason why I haven’t bothered letting anyone in. You’re the first person to get through to me. With just that I am already indebted to you.” “I didn’t do anything, Phoenix. It was you who decided.” “Yeah, blah blah. It would be nice to believe I’m that strong. But let’s face it. You’re an attractive, appealing guy. I wanted more than to just fuck you from that first day. So, no, I didn’t save myself. You saved me.” “You’ve wanted to fuck me, from the beginning?” I give her a sly smile. “Yes, you’re irresistible.” She says this as a fact, not a compliment. But I smile knowingly. “Ms. Phoenix, I’m sorry to say. But I’m not very hungry. Not for food anyways.” “You know, Mr. Ferdinand. Neither am I.” She gets up, grabs my hand and walks out the door.

PHOENIX

How can I explain the emotions playing war inside my stomach? It’s not even my mind that is confused. My mind knows the truth: I will never be happy, because I want what I can’t have. What’s going on in the pit of my stomach? Apparently, that’s where my heart rests. Maybe the cavity that holds my heart is too full of pain and sorrow that it can’t hold any other emotion, so it has spilled over into my large intestine.

Fadi reaches out for my hand and the warmth of his large hand wrapped around my small one brings back feelings that have long past. I feel like a Catholic schoolgirl doing something she shouldn’t. Now that the gate has been open every emotion is visible on my face, I can just feel it.

A dark thought crosses my mind: No matter what I feel for Fadi, Dani will always be present. I look quickly at Fadi and wonder if he knows this fact. I would never want to bring someone else along this path of destruction I have set for myself. I’ve already hurt enough people.

As much as I wish I could stop being with Fadi, I don’t think I can stop seeing him. Especially now that he knows. Especially now that my cheeks have some color in them. Especially now that my mouth is capable of twisting upwards.

As Fadi and I lie next to each other after we finish I realize I can’t stay with him. I can’t be anything with him.

* * * * * * * * *

FADI

I wake up to find Phoenix gone; no note. I stay in bed knowing this would happen. She ended things with me. She slept with me just to be sure; a pity fuck. I lie in bed and wonder at what kind of woman she was before the accident. What kind of woman did her husband date, did her husband learn to love? Would she be as enticing to me? This is Phoenix’s second life, she’s a whole new person. But how do I convince of her that? She’ll never forget her previous life, and she’ll always compare this life with that one.

As I shower I think of mergers and acquisitions, trying to get my mind off her. My cellphone rings as I step out of the shower and I answer it, “Figlio mio. Come va?”

“Bene, Mama. How’s dad?”

“Bene, Bene. Our flight arrives at 10. Will we have dinner after?”

“Si, Mama. I’ll see you then. Have a safe flight. Ti amo.”

“Ti amo, figlio mio.”

* * * * * * * * *

I look at my parents watching TV thinking when they’re going to go back to Italy. I love my parents, but they know how to comfortable in my house way too quickly. After watching them from the kitchen I decide to join them and sit down on the La-Z-boy in the far corner. My dad switches it to the news and the three of us watch it in silence.

My dad, the forever jokester, “So, how ‘bout them dolphins?” I smile at him, “Apparently, they got a very big player during the draft.” “Great.” He says trying to keep it going. My mother gives my father a meaningful look. “What?” I ask. “Mia vitta, I already spoke to you of the girl and I was right.” “What do you mean you were right?” “(in Italian) I don’t think this is the best time.” My father interjects. “No! This is the perfect time” I say brusquely. “Ascoltare! You left in such a rush. I went into my computer and wanted to check my e-mail. When I opened Gmail yours was already connected. I saw that you had an e-mail from that girl. I had to know if that’s the reason why you left.” “Mama!” “Mio bambino…” “No! I am not your bambino.” I interrupt her, “I am no baby, Mama. You must see this now. I am old, much older than you wish to believe.” My father lifts his hand as my mother is about to speak, “Ascoltare figlio. Your mama and I are worried.” I was about to interrupt but he lifted his hand to stop me, “We shouldn’t have read your e-mail. We were sbagliato. However, we did and now we know about this girl. We are not saying you cannot see her. How could we say that! Como vecchi, we know things you do not know. We’ve seen much more than you have despite how old you are. Essere prudenti mio figlio. Si?” I sigh out, “Si, Papa.” “Che bene!” he says opening his arms and smiling as if everything has been solved. I get up from the tethered La-Z-boy and think for a second how I need to throw it away. As I’m walking out I say in the general direction of the room, “I am going to marry her someday and I would appreciate it if you learned to not judge her.” I get my keys and storm out of the house. There’s only one place I would like to be right now so I get into my car and drive there.

PHOENIX

I was just about to head out for a run and yoga session on the beach when I hear a knocking at my door. Kay is on the couch reading and I’m still in the kitchen getting water and a banana. The knocking continues and slowly turns into banging. Kay doesn’t even stir. I sigh out in exasperation. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it. Who cares I’m juggling my ginormous water bottle and banana. Don’t worry about me. I can handle it,” I say sarcastically at her back. Nothing.

I drop my things on the entrance table. The banging continues getting progressively louder. It better not be a salesman! I thrust the door open.

It’s Fadi. Immediately the hardness in my face melts away into a smile. “Hey,” I say breathlessly.

It looks me up and down, “Was I interrupting you?”

“No,” I say looking puzzled. Then I look at my outfit; black jogging shorts, bright yellow sports bra and a white tee. “Oh, um. I was about to go running and yoga on the beach. Wanna come with me?” I say the last part slowly looking at his face. “Is everything alright?” I ask. I make sure he’s wearing sneakers and offer him to come running with me. He obliges and I say goodbye to Kay.

We walk to the beach in silence. I want to grab for his hand and hold it, but not sure how dating works for people our age; or for people at all. I shrug and argue with myself. Finally, I win and grab for his hand. He lets me hold it and I see his shoulders relax a little. Before we hit the beach I chug some of my water and stow it with the banana in a tool box I pulled out from the bushes. I lock it and place it back hidden from any prying eyes. I start to make my way towards the beach and beckon Fadi to follow. We reach just where the high tide stops coming in. I stand in front of him, facing him.

“Just follow what I do and ignore the rest, k?”

“Ok.” He says.

I let him have the view of the beach so that the calming waves soothe him. I always begin my yoga with the sun salutation stretches. Then I proceed into warrior poses and I end with inverted poses. Fadi follows every move. I motion for us to start jogging. He follows right next to me. We jog all the way down to Douglas and back up to 8

and Ocean. He follows easily with me. This makes me smile. I look at him and find him smiling as well. Hopefully my exercising calmed him down a little. I throw myself on the sand when we reach our starting point. I lay back and watch the descending sun steal the colors of the sky and clouds. The rising moon throws its silvery glow on everything it touches. With the sun the waves were a rich blue with white tips, now they’re a deep mysterious midnight blue with silver tips. I let the water attempt at reaching my sneakers. I breathe out happily and close my eyes. I feel Fadi lay down next to me and breathe out as well. I can feel his heat come off of him in the same rhythm as the waves of the ocean. I feel sweat trickle down my neck onto the sand. “Thank you” I hear him breathe out softly.

I bring myself down to the sand next to him and say, “Anytime.”

With Daniel I have learned to not even be curious about the other person. If that person wants you to know something they will tell you. There’s no need in insistent questioning.

“I was thinking,” he says, “that maybe we could go out dancing.”

I laugh, “This workout wasn’t enough for you?”

He flips onto his side facing me and starts to trace the inside of my arm. “Eh, I can keep going.”

“Ok.” I say holding what he is doing to memory.

Losing a husband helps you to never take even the smallest thing for granted.

“Good.”

“How about we eat first? I don’t think my banana survived the heat but I still have that water.”

“Alright. How about I cook for you and this time you meet my parents for real.”

“Ok. Am I allowed to change?”

“Nope. Never change a thing about yourself.” He says seriously staring into my eyes.

I never noticed before, but having him so close I can see he has tiny freckles in the irises of his eyes.

#ashestofire #amwriting #iamawriter #writing #shortstory #story #lovestory

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