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bigassmoonchild · 8 months

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The Aftermath

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Reader

Word Count: 2k

The first part does give context, but isn’t required for this read.

Summary: You knew the difficulty the process of being a mated Omega in the military. You understood how much you would lose, but you never thought about the difficulty in your normal life. Never thought about the panic you would have, or how much it would effect you and Ghost's personal relationship.

Content Tags: Hospitals, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, No use of Y/N, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha! Ghost

A/N: I was not expecting such a good response to Maple Syrup, and since y'all seemed to like it so much here's basically the next part. Let me know if you want anything specific, my asks should be open. <3 I'm adding a 'keep reading' link to make sure you can scroll on if you want.

Previous, Next | Headcannons, Masterlist

Everything felt wrong. Ghost wasn't injured, but he was being held overnight in the medbay. The Maple Syrup had run its course through him, but he could hear chatter echoing in the room. He could smell you, you weren't too far from him but he wasn't allowed to see you. Price had come in not too long after the doctors had checked him over and cleared him, arms crossed as he sat in the chair next to the bed Ghost was in.

"We'll need to talk, you know," was the only thing Price had said, leaning back and relaxing in the chair.

"Is the Doc okay?" Ghost asked, looking in the direction your scent was coming from. The sickly sweet smell of heat was becoming stale, but you were on lock and key just in case any Alpha soldiers tried to come in. Price looked in the same direction, giving a faint shrug.

"I'm going to be updated once she's steady enough for the doctors to leave her alone," Price said. "Gaz is on watch outside her room," Ghost nodded. Gaz was a Beta, so it would be fine for him to be that close. Ghost still didn't like it, he didn't know how his pack was, where everyone was, if everyone was safe.

It took a few hours, it was well past midnight before any movement came from the direction of your room. The curtains surrounding Ghosts bed was moved, the Doctor gesturing for Price to follow him. Ghost had tried to listen in, but it wasn't worth it. He was still in mild pain from the mission, the place where the tranq had stabbed him still throbbed every so often.

Price walked back in some time later, looking at Ghost with a sigh. That didn't make him feel good, panic started to flow through him, thoughts of you dying flashed in his mind for a few moments.

"She's gonna be fine," Price started. "They got her heat back under control, they're just waiting for it to finish cycling through her. Outside of that, she's fine," Price sat next to Ghost. "I can't ask you about what happened. I can only tell you what will happen," he looked away.

You woke up, head foggy and throbbing with a headache. You could see a form moving next to you, checking your vitals. You gave a soft groan, your neck throbbing alongside your core. Everything hurt, but you weren't able to tell if it was everything.

"You finally waking up?" The voice asked, and you could recognize it. "You've been out for a few days, you've even had Ghost trying to get in," she giggled a little. Amanda. That was her name, she was one of the nurses you'd been working with prior to the mission that went south.

At the mention of Ghost, you sat upright, vision spinning before righting itself.

"It was a really bad heat you were sent into, y'know. Took us a few hours to stabilize you, but you're doing good for yourself," she smiled, trying to lay you back down but you pushed her off of you.

"I need to talk to him," god even your throat hurt. She nodded slowly, sticking her head out of the door. You rubbed your head, headache now making you feel sick. It took a few moments, but you heard footsteps come in the room, a figure standing next to you. When you looked up, it was Price.

"There are some procedures we need to go through. I've already got some officers in, but we still need to talk about what happened," Price started, moving to sit in the chair near you. "Ghost has already spoken with them, so it'll be you, me and the officers. I think Laswell has flown in as well," you stared at Price.

With a few blinks, you looked down to think. Ghost had already spoken with the officers? You knew what the rules were like, and you knew that your career was now in his hands. It pissed you off, if you could really focus on feeling much outside of pain.

"The officers are trying to get him to make a decision on your career. I can't let you two talk about anything yet, the Adjutant Officers still need to figure things out before you'll be allowed near each other," Price looked away, your jaw tensing. You really had no rights anymore, did you?

It took another few days before you were released. The second you had clothes of your own to wear, you were gone off into your room.

Someone had been here. You could smell a stale scent, but you weren't able to place it. It was too distant to be able to decipher, but your room was exactly the same as it had been left before you were hospitalized. You didn't feel comfortable in your room, knowing someone had been here.

A knock on the door made you spin, nerves set tight. As you opened the door, a large figure came into view.

"Doc," Ghost started, before being yanked into your room and having the door slammed behind him. You turned on him, staring at him sharply. You pointed, opening your mouth before shutting it and groaning, running hands through your hair.

You kept trying to start talking before you stopped yourself, eventually kicking at the wall in irritation.

"What did you say to them?" You hissed, back still turned and facing the wall. You could hear him shift behind you, boots scuffing against the ground. You turned, storming up to him, chest to chest. "What the hell did you tell them? You gonna dismantle my career? Make me some fucking house-omega?" You were growling now, you could feel your muscles tensing.

When he didn't respond, you groaned, tossing your hands up in defeat and walking away from him. You turned, hand on your hip, waiting for a response.

"I don't want to take your career away," he whispered, finally. You barked a laugh, rubbing your wrist against your bitten gland. His hand reached out to grab you, but you moved away from him. "I don't want to make decisions for you," he added, voice growing more desperate.

You shook your head, pulling your hand away from your gland and shaking them out. Ghost reached out to you again, hand catching your shoulder before you shrugged him off.

"I don't know what to do," you whispered. "I'm terrified, because now I'm outed to so many people, and there's quite literally nothing I can do to save myself," you turned to look at Ghost.

He scoffed. "You think I'm going to ruin things for you? I've already told you, I don't want that kind of control over you," he looked away, crossing his arms. You could smell the distress on him.

"You have done shit to make me trust you!" Your voice raised before dropping, a hand running down your face. "I have zero control left, you know how many rights I have as a mated Omega?" He shook his head. "None," you glared at him.

Ghost glanced at you before looking away again. He shook his head, moving to leave before you blocked the door from him.

"You don't get to walk out when we're talking," you growled at him and he growled back.

"This isn't a conversation, this is you getting all pissy on me," he loomed over you, forcing you to take a step back. "I didn't want this to happen, I would have chosen any other way to save us, but we didn't get a choice, did we?" You looked away.

"Get out,"

He could smell the distress on you the second he spoke. Your scent left him spiraling, he was panicking. His Omega was distressed, and he was the cause. He wanted to fix it, correct the problem and make you happy again.

Ghost could do nothing when you repeated yourself.

"Get the hell out," you glared at him. Ghost opened his mouth to give you a retort, but you had turned away. He bit his tongue, turning to stare at the door.

"You know that's not what I meant," he whispered, opening the door and leaving.

Even after walking aimlessly for ten minutes, he could still smell your distress on your scent, the sour taste stuck on the back of his throat. This wasn't how he had intended to talk to you, he wanted to make a plan for when they asked him more questions regarding your career.

Ghost was pissed off, more so with himself than you, but he wanted to comfort you. Fix what he had said, take it back.

But he had a meeting to attend, and he needed to make sure he didn't say anything wrong.

You sat in the conference room, Price, Laswell and an Adjutant officer sitting across from you. This was the third time you'd gone over what had happened.

"So you say this 'Maple Syrup' is what caused Ghost to go into a feral rut?"

"Yes," you deadpanned, glaring through the Adjutant. "We've already been through all of this, there is literally nothing else that I haven't told you," the Adjutant hummed.

"We need to make sure everything is covered," he told you, looking at the paper he had been writing on for the past hour and a half.

You looked at Price, hoping he would help you in any way. He looked away, leaning further back into his seat.

"What about my career?" The room went silent, the Adjutant stopped reading, glancing over at Price who had finally looked at you. "I want to know what's happening," you whispered. The last few days had left you unsure of yourself. You wanted to confront Ghost, you wanted to apologize for snapping at him, you wanted to fix what you'd said.

None of them spoke, Laswell had opened her mouth to speak before closing it, taking a deep breath. Her fingers tapped on the table, looking at Price and the Adjutant.

She looked back at you. "You aren't allowed to make any decisions regarding that, you know," your head dropped back with a groan, wrist rubbing against your bitten gland roughly. You were terrified, you didn't know what the future was going to hold.

You had so little control and it was getting worse. You stood abruptly, going to walk out the door before Price spoke.

"Would you like to speak with Ghost?" You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. With people around, you wouldn't snap on him, but you also didn't want to see him since his last remarks. You really needed to know if you still worked here, or if he was going to force you to become a house-omega.

You nodded, turning around and sitting back down while staring Price down as he made a phone-call. A few moments later, Ghost walked in and sat beside you, but you still couldn't look at him. It was silent for a few minutes, everyone looking at each other, waiting for the first to speak.

"You still have a job here," Ghost spoke up. "I didn't let them remove you, but they won't allow you on missions anymore," he added the last part quietly. You nodded.

You could hear Price and Laswell ushering the Adjutant Officer out of the room, the door closing with a click behind them. Neither you nor Ghost talked for a few minutes, you could smell a certain level of stress on him.

"Thank you," you whispered, glancing quickly at him. He was staring at you, eyes watching your every twitch and shudder. "I'm... sorry, for the other day," you fiddled with your fingers. "I didn't mean to snap at you."

Ghost shook his head, hesitating before grabbing your hand, pulling it close to him and in turn tugging you towards him. You finally turned to look at him, and his eyes visibly softened.

He looked down, then back up to you. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I did. Not in the way I did," he tugged you even closer to him, nuzzling into your gland. "I don't regret having you as my mate now, but if I could've changed what I did, you wouldn't be stuck with me making decisions for you now," you leaned in to him, pressing your face into his chest.

It relaxed you, his scent, and allowed you to think much clearer.

"I'm just so scared,"

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misshoneyimhome · 2 months

Note

If you don’t feel comfortable writing this then that’s fine but I had this idea: being married to William and after you have your first baby (for context maybe like a year and a half into being married) you’ve struggled a bit emotionally in general but also with confidence bc of how different you feel like you look. William has been the most supportive and has not let you dwell on the physical changes bc he still thinks you’re beautiful. You’re about 6 months post partum and William decides to take you on a little getaway with the baby taken care of by your parents. While on vacation you’re both able to reconnect and William just really wants to make you feel good and it’s just a lot of soft and slow sex. Like it somehow feels better than how you remember.

Oh bb, you can hit me with all the dad!Willy requests you want - I'm not entirely sure what I'm not comfortable writing about in this context 😉

I know body changes can be a sensitive subject, but I believe it's also important to discuss - pregnancies are wonderful, but they can also bring a lot of challenges 🤰🏼

Anyway, I hope this aligns with what you had in mind and you enjoy it🤍 「Dad!Willy x reader」

Warnings: post-pregnancy sadness, reference to sexual activity, mild smut, soft unprotected sex (p in v);

"Tu stasera, vedi, sei perfetta per me" = Darling, tonight you're perfect for me

[Inspired by 'Perfect Symphony' by Ed Sheeran, ft. Andrea Bocelli]

Word count; 3.3K

・✶ ｡ﾟ

"Tu stasera, vedi, sei perfetta per me" I William Nylander [Dad!Willy]

Everything felt different now. Everything was different now.

Not necessarily in a negative way, but it just wasn't the same anymore. Although you were aware this was how it was going to be, you still felt somewhat taken aback by it all. Since the off-season last year, you'd been mentally preparing for this, preparing for the new lifestyle you and William would face together, and the new chapter you'd begin. Yet, nobody can ever be entirely prepared for when reality sets in.

The weather was lovely. Spring had arrived, and the hockey season had left its mark with the intensity to prepare for the playoffs. And as the sunshine filtered through the curtains of your bedroom, you couldn't help but admire the little bundle of joy in your arms.

It had only been two weeks since Eliot had entered the world, and you were more than overjoyed by your new role as a mother. Additionally, you couldn't help but be emotionally moved by the fatherly role William had embraced.

You knew it had been challenging for him during your pregnancy, not fully experiencing the fatherly kicks. But his teammates had been nothing but supportive, and the fathers of the team had gone out of their way to help him ease the nerves and not worry too much.

And truly, there was no need for concerns. Though he may not have felt the fatherly kick during the pregnancy, as soon as Eliot saw the light of day, William showed nothing but love and affection for his first-born son.

It had been incredibly emotional for all of you when he first held him in his arms, and William had sat bare-chested with him on the stool, a tear streaming down his cheek in sheer joy.

It had been so beautiful.

However, as soon as you returned from the hospital and slowly began to settle in with the newly added member to the family, a sudden unexpected feeling of sadness rushed over you. Something you hadn’t thought much about during the so-called wonders of pregnancy: the changes to a woman’s body.

Of course, you knew what you'd endured for nine months: weight gain, swelling, increased water levels, nausea, headaches, stretch marks, back pain, knee pain, all sorts of discomfort. But every time you talked to other women about pregnancy, they all kept mentioning how great you looked, how well you were doing, and what a glow you carried with you. Everyone always talked about the wonders and miracles of creating a new life, yet nobody liked to discuss all the awful aspects of it. All the downsides and terrible emotional days that came along with it. And most of all, nobody talked much about how your body was going to change after giving birth.

It was as if no one would ever speak negatively about having a baby. It was always portrayed as roses and glitter, yet you knew the truth. Sure, you loved your pregnancy and how smoothly it went—especially considering how many people struggled with conceiving—but to be honest, Eliot was a result of two young adults driven by desire, finally having the chance to indulge in uninterrupted sex during the off-season from hockey. And although you knew there was no contraception involved, which you had both agreed to, neither of you could have imagined that after four drinks and two shots of tequila in Southern France, William could still manage to ejaculate twice in one night.

Despite the romantic circumstances of a vacation in Saint Tropez, the reality of being in the hotel room next to Stephanie was less so.

Yet here you were, cradling your precious son in your arms as you attempted to rest your still tired body. While William was at training, you were simply trying to make yourself as comfortable as possible at home. Then, as Eliot finally drifted off to sleep, you carefully attempted to lay him down in his crib, ensuring he was settled before quietly moving about with the baby monitor in your hand.

However, as soon as you stepped into the bathroom, your eyes fell upon your reflection.

You didn't know how long you stood there. All you knew was that you couldn't help but stare at your figure. The body that had once exuded sexiness, providing you with the confidence that had attracted William when you first met. The body that you had worked on and trained for years, and of which you were proud. It had been with you through all your dietary changes, indulging in too much junk food, enjoying delicious dinners with wine and cocktails, and most importantly, it had carried your baby.

You knew you were strong, as every pregnancy book stated. A woman's body was resilient. But what they didn't mention was how depressed you could feel when you didn't feel as attractive as before your pregnancy. You didn't even recognise yourself anymore. And you weren't sure how to cope with it.

Just the idea of William touching your new body was almost repulsive.

So, as you had done many times before, you would simply shake your head and go to great lengths to avoid looking in mirrors.

However, William did not share your feelings. In fact, quite the opposite.

Perhaps it had been because of all the chats his mother Camilla had forced him through, making sure he understood the importance of being there as a partner during this time. You were sure she’d even given his way too detail sexual education just to make sure he knew what you were putting yourself through for him and this family.

But regardless of her input, William still thought you were beyond beautiful. If now not more than ever. You had been stronger than he ever could be, grown a life he could now call his son, and brought him to the world while he was half panicking by your side.

To him, you were amazing.

Yet he sensed your sadness every day that followed the birth of Eliot. And despite his bests effort in trying to remind you just how wonderful and amazing you were, his words seemed to fail.

Even the other mothers on the team, Amanda, and Sana in particular, who’d been by your side through it all when the boys had been on the road, were trying to comfort you. They knew exactly what you were going through. But nothing worked.

Despite your smiles and giggles out in public, a boiling uncertainty and vulnerability lingered under the surface. And it was made clear to William how bad the situation was, when he tried to touch you, and you were quick to throw him off.

In the beginning he just though it was because you were embarrassed by the changes it had caused for your core. But then, when he even tried to gentle and simply caress your body in the shower, you couldn’t even stay there and be naked with him.

And it frightened him. Not only were you no longer you bubbly self, happy and cheerful at all times, but you were also in this state of depression because of something he’d done, the choices you’d made together. The decision of having a child.

It was painful. Witnessing you in distress for weeks and months, unable to do anything about it, crushed him.

It wasn't until the off-season when you spent the summer in Sweden with William's family that Camilla suddenly pulled him aside.

"Willy, my dear," she began. "Have you talked to y/n about how she feels?" she inquired one evening, while you were playing with Michelle and Eliot.

The question hung in the air, heavy with unspoken worry, as William's gaze shifted to meet his mother's. And in that moment, the floodgates of his own apprehension opened, releasing a torrent of fears and doubts that had long been simmering beneath the surface.

"I've tried," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "I know that... she hasn't been herself lately. But I just don't know how to help her."

Camilla's hand tightened around his, a silent reassurance amidst the storm of uncertainty. "Sometimes, my dear boy, the greatest gift we can give to those we love is simply our presence," she said, her words a beacon of wisdom in the sunlight. "Be there for her, Willy. Listen to her, support her, and above all, remind her that she is not alone."

William couldn't help but feel a sense of comfort from his mother's words. Yet as he continued to observe your forced smiles on your wonderful lips, his heart sank a little deeper.

And that's when he had a new idea.

William knew how much you loved Italy, especially the food, wine, and music. It had always been a dream travel destination for you, and having only been there once in your life, he thought it was time to revisit and create new memories in the wonderful country.

You needed some time away from your life in Toronto. So, with a bit of planning and assistance from his family, since planning wasn’t usually William’s strong suit, he managed to arrange a small trip to the homeland of pasta and pizza.

Furthermore, he even coordinated with your parents to look after Eliot while you were gone. Although he understood it would be difficult for you to be away from your baby for almost a week, he believed it was best for the two of you.

So, two days before departure, William revealed the surprise to you.

“Babe, we can’t just leave like that,” you exclaimed, your voice filled with concern and excitement. “What about your training? The season is about to start…”

William chuckled, loving your concern for his sport. “Don’t worry, I've sorted it all out with the team. Besides, I’ll make it back in time for the season start,” he reassured casually. “Baby, you need this. We need this. And that’s way more important right now.”

You could hear the sincerity in his voice, his eyes sparkling as he expressed his love and concern for you. Eventually, you nodded and flashed him a sweet smile.

Initially, William had planned to surprise you on the day of departure. However, knowing you would need time to pump and provide breast milk while away, he decided it was best to give you a couple of days to prepare.

With all preparations done, you were more than ready to enjoy your little getaway, just the two of you.

Florence was the flight destination, but the true paradise you were retreating to was a small semi-private luxury bed and breakfast a few hours outside the city. With a quaint restaurant where the hosts served local specialties, food courses, and only the finest local wines. The pool boasted a view over the beautiful countryside, filled with olive fields and vineyards, and outside the resort, small trails led through the gorgeous nature Italy offered.

Given the stress you both knew the new hockey season would bring, you spent most of your time simply relaxing in the warmth, enjoying the refreshing pool water, and indulging in the best Italian cuisine you'd had in years.

William had truly outdone himself this time.

From the moment you arrived, he devoted every available minute to showering you with love and affection. Though initially hesitant to touch you too much, he gradually caressed your smooth skin, gently exploring more and more until he felt you relax under his touch once again.

It wasn't easy for either of you. Despite William's efforts to convince you that your post-pregnancy figure was amazing, it took you two days before you felt comfortable wearing your swimsuit. And when he saw your wonderful curves, his eyes lit up like a bonfire. But what truly convinced you about your new physique were the compliments from the Italian mamas working at the small holiday destination.

"You had a baby?" one lady remarked on the third night during a late dinner. Completely taken aback by her sudden remark, you simply nodded. "You, beautiful woman. Strong! I can tell…" she added with confidence.

"See, I'm not the only one who thinks so," William chuckled lightly, flashing you his signature smirk.

"Of course, she bella donna!" another lady chimed in. "She is Mama! She made a miracolo… men? Hnf, they cannot do – no, only woman can be real strong."

And it was just the confidence boost you needed.

Listening to the words of the Italian women slowly made you realise that you should never be ashamed of your own body and skin. You had given William a son, and now nature proudly flaunted what you had been through.

William hadn’t seen you smile like this in so long, and he was beyond happy to finally hear your wonderful natural laughter again.

And after finishing tonight’s amazing dinner, retreating to your room and enjoying a refreshing shower, William was caught off guard by your soft voice.

“Willy…,” you almost whispered as you stood in the middle of the vacation home, and William slowly approached you. “I want you to touch me…”

It was a gentle plea, devoid of any neediness or desperation. It was delicate and timid.

“Are you sure?” William inquired, his chest nearly touching yours and his breath within reach.

And gently, you nodded, dropping the small towel that had wrapped your body. With your eyes meeting his, you slowly traced your palms up his torso and delicately wrapped them around his neck. “Yes, I need you…”

William couldn’t suppress a smile as he admired your beautiful features in the golden light of the setting sun on the horizon. Your eyes had found their sparkle again, and gently he felt your warm body against his.

It was as if you were falling in love all over again. Like experiencing your very first kiss when William leaned down to close the gap between you and gently connected your lips.

And immediately, you melted into his touch. Like a magical spell, you felt a pleasurable sensation course through you, an enchantment only William could evoke. Your knees went weak for him as his large hands cupped your face and deepened the kiss.

Your hands rested on his bare chest, almost feeling his heart beating, mirroring the rhythm of your own heart for him. Amidst the sun setting and the darkness of night slowly enveloping you, you allowed yourself to be guided by William. Onto the mattress, he carefully hovered over you, his lips always remaining connected as his tongue explored your mouth.

Your fingers found the lengths of his locks as you relished the feeling of his body against yours, his arms on each side of you as you connected deeply and passionately. Soon, you felt his member slowly growing firmer in his shorts, pressing against your inner thigh, and a strangely familiar sense of arousal building up within you.

Your cunt pulsed with anticipation, craving the attention it had been deprived of for months, and William was more than eager to satisfy it.

With his own throbbing length hard and proud in his shorts, he felt more than ready to be intimately close to you again. Breaking the kiss, he slowly discarded the only fabric separating you, and very carefully, he let his member brush against your core. His eyes locked onto yours, searching for a reaction, where he was met with your soft, sweet moans. Your fingers lightly tugged at his hair as you bit down on your lip, signalling your desire for him to be inside you.

Which he gladly obliged. With great care, William let the tip of his cock find your entrance, slowly pushing it in and stretching your walls in a way that was familiar to both of you. For a moment, he held still, relishing the sensation of your muscles around him and the soft gasps escaping your lips. He couldn’t help but admire you in the dim lights, taking in all your beautiful features, before delicately starting to move his hips in slow motions.

The lovemaking was slow and gentle, romance filling the air under the starlit sky and moonshine. With each tender thrust, every moan that escaped your lips was filled with nothing but love.

As he slid his cock in and out of your core, bringing you pleasure and stimulation, you both felt connected once again. Feeling the heat, the sparks igniting between you as you both drew closer and closer to climax.

Deep breaths were shared between hungry and sloppy kisses, both eager to reach climax. William's hands clenched the sheets with every thrust, feeling your muscles clenching around him, and he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. After months of no sex with you, he felt himself in desperate need of release.

And he wasn’t alone. As your hands shifted to find his shoulder blades, your cunt pulsed as you were on the verge of orgasm. And when William increased his speed just a little, you knew you were about to surrender. Digging your nails into his skin, you closed your eyes, arched your back into the pillow, and with a loud moan, you let the orgasm wash over you.

It was one of the most wonderful orgasms you’d ever experienced. Finally in touch with William again, bringing you pleasure, you were in a state of bliss. Your mind was foggy, breaths heavy, and a small smile formed on your lips as you came down from the high.

Meanwhile, William was on the brink of climax. With a few more powerful thrusts, he let out a deep grunt, followed by heavy breaths, as he released himself into you. It wasn’t nearly as intense as the climaxes he’d experienced with you before, however, given how long it had been since you'd been intimate, this felt beyond amazing.

To you, it almost felt even better than you remembered it prior to your pregnancy.

And as you both calmed and regained your breaths, William pulled you into his sweaty body for an aftercare cuddle.

"Was it okay?" he spoke gently, finding your expression in the soft glow of the bedside lamp.

"It was amazing, Willy," you replied with a soft whisper, your eyes shimmering as they met his.

William couldn't contain his satisfied smile, finally able to enjoy your happiness again. "Good, baby, you're so amazing and beautiful. You're the most wonderful mom our son could have… you deserve the world."

You chuckled softly at William’s sweet words. You knew he meant them, coming straight from his heart, even though it hadn’t always been easy for him to verbalise his emotions.

"It’s all because of you, Willy. You bring out the best in me," you offered him a sweet smile, letting the comfort of his arms envelop you.

"No way… you’ve always brought out the best in me, babe, believe me," he chuckled as well. "To me, you’re just perfect… don’t you ever forget that."

A wave of sweet content washed over you as you absorbed every praise he had to offer. There was a soft moment of silence where you both simply enjoyed the relaxation and the soft Italian air coming through the curtains.

But then you softly broke it. “Although… we probably should have used protection, Willy…”

"What do you mean? We never use protection…"

"Well, exactly," you chuckled lightly. "I could get pregnant again…"

"Wait, you can get pregnant already?" he asked with sincere curiosity.

And you couldn’t contain your amusement. “Of course, babe!”

"Even when you breastfeed?"

"What? Yes, of course, Willy! Even when I breastfeed. That’s just a myth… honestly, don’t you know anything about a woman’s body?" you playfully asked, but William simply responded with another chuckle.

"Well... I do know a thing or two," he flashed you a mischievous grin before pulling you in for another deep kiss.

#my asks #dad!willy #wn88 imagine #william nylander imagine #toronto maple leafs imagine #nhl hockey imagine

126 notes · View notes

aealzx · 6 months

Text

“Uhm… Yes?...Why?” Don responded, taken a little off guard by the question. They were already borrowing the infirmary weren’t they? Donnie and Lil Mikey were going to stay the rest of the night at least. Leatherhead was already settling Donnie back into the bed he’d been in before, and Raphael was trying to lead Leon over to the other bed for Lil Mikey to sleep on.

But Leon was apparently distracted by something else, leaning away from Raphael halfway and slow to respond. “You have intravenous antibiotics, yeah?” he asked, a mix of feeling rushed and excited making his speech faster as he eventually obeyed Raphael's mildly frustrated coaxing and carefully rested Lil Mikey on the mattress. “And two metal plates, about this big, and screws?” Leon followed up, holding his hands up a short distance apart and then a certain thickness.

The questions immediately caused Don’s mind to start listing possible uses in the context he was given. Injuries that would warrant metal plates, screws and antibiotics filtering into his head as he narrowed his eyes just slightly. “Yes, of course. Why?” Don confirmed and repeated his own question with a little more emphasis, restraining himself from grabbing Leon to check him over. It couldn’t be any of them that were currently there that were injured. The only thing Don could think of was a severe fracture, and if that was the case he didn’t think Leon would be moving as easily as he was.

But luckily Leon answered the question of who without the need of further interrogation.

“My brother has an open compound fractured tibia and fibula. Let me go get him, I’ll be right back.” Leon’s answer came as a rush of syllables accentuated by one of the swirling blue discs opening up next to him. Don flinched back slightly at the revelation, and Raphael was more caught off guard by the portal. The kid hadn’t even moved for that to appear. It was a little disconcerting since they still weren’t quite sure what they did exactly. Before the others could fully register what was going on Leon had slipped through the portal, mask tails nearly being caught by the closing gateway.

Being left in silence, Raphael mentally repeated in his mind what Leon had said. He understood most of it, but he wasn’t familiar enough with the names of bones to know which ones the tibia and fibula were. Something in the leg? Or was it the arm? They sounded familiar enough for him to think they were in one of the more external limbs. Looking over to Don for clarification and possible direction, Raphael let out a smothered snort of amusement. Don’s hands had remained frozen in the air where he’d reached out on reflex, and his expression betrayed his disbelief in what he’d just been told. The revelation caused stress to build to the point it bubbled over in the form of a higher pitched whine slowly escaping his form while his fingers flexed.

“Easy there Doctor Don. We don’t want to scare the kid off now that he’s finally started to trust us,” Raphael cautioned with a mild chuckle, recognizing Don’s mental restraint barely keeping him from chasing Leon down. Speaking up only caused Don to redirect his stress at him though.

“Hhhhhhhhh Raph you can not tell me to take it easy after being told the last one of them has a bone sticking out of his leg! if they’re not back in four hours I’m tracking them and getting them myself, and I make no promises on the four hours,” Don rambled, grabbing Raphael’s shoulders and lightly shaking him in distress.

Raphael could only chuckle, reaching up to still Don’s hands and keep him from shaking his brains up too much as Leo and Master Splinter moved closer. “Then I guess you should keep yourself busy getting the supplies you’ll need?” he suggested. Anything to keep his brother occupied and not giving someone a headache.

“...Duh,” Don huffed, giving Rahael an incredulous squint before breaking away to scurry towards the cabinets. The least he could do was make sure they had everything where Leon and he could easily get to it.

“What’s going on?” Leo asked, having heard pieces of the conversation but not actively followed it. He had a relatively clear guess on what the problem was with Don, but he preferred getting clarification before causing issues out of ignorant guesses.

“Remember when your bone was sticking outta your arm?” Raphael asked, raising his own arm and pointing at it.

“...Yeah?” Leo confirmed, reflexively glancing at the scar running down the length of his arm in memory.

“The kid Leo says his brother has the same thing, and went to get him. Obviously that got Don all worked up,” Raphael explained, jerking a thumb at their brother pilling medical supplies on the rolling surgical tray near the table.

Leo’s brows raised in mild surprise before furrowing in concern. He had been quite distracted when his own arm had been broken, for obvious reasons. But he still remembered Don being just as frantic. Paranoid about bone infection, or being able to properly stabilize it without doing further damage, or preventing it from healing properly. Honestly Leo still thought Don had done an amazing job with it, as always, considering he didn’t notice it anymore. And yet the memories just added yet another thing to the list to explain why Leon had been so upset earlier. “..Did he say anything about needing transport?” Leo asked, tone a little more sullen than before. He was starting to regret the way he’d reacted towards Leon’s actions. They were the wrong actions to take, but Leo was starting to find it hard to hold anything against Leon now.

“Nah. I think he can teleport just fine. Like he was doing when he got here,” Raphael admitted with a shrug. “Don gave him four hours, but I bet he’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Then let’s make sure we’re ready for them,” Leo directed firmly, moving around Raphael to head towards Don to see if he could help with anything.

Raphael watched Leo go and could only huff in amusement as he folded his arms. “Took him long enough,” he mused, lowering his gaze down to Master Splinter as he stepped next to him.

“Leonardo has always had difficulty thinking clearly when the safety of his family is in question. A trait he has come to manage as he’s gotten older, but also one that I have never faulted him for,” Master Splinter mused with a smile, looking fondly after his boys. Then his gaze shifted, a knowing smile as he looked up to meet Raphael’s eyes. “It would seem this young, other dimension version of my son has the same trait. And you, my son, have gotten much better at recognizing the motivations behind others’ actions.”

Raphael had to snort in mild embarrassment at the compliment, shifting his weight and shrugging his shoulders uncomfortably. “Wasn’t hard. It was written all over his face. Don saw it too,” he brushed off despite forcing down the grin tugging his mouth.

Master Splinter could only chuckle softly, but was unable to add more to the conversation as yet another blue portal swirled into the room in practically the same spot as before. Raphael stepped back to fully face it, and had to chuckle in mild triumph. “See? Just a few minutes.”

—---

As time crept on at an agonizing pace in the still darkness, April was finding she hated that she’d agreed to wait until noon to look for Leon. It wasn’t only that she was worried about him, but she missed having him there for company in this empty place. Of course having Raph in her lap brought some comfort, for she wasn’t truly alone. But her back was bare other than a light blanket, and she trusted Leon’s medical expertise way more than her own. She wanted her brother’s weight on her back, and his encyclopedia brain ready to address their needs. But she also wanted all four of her brothers there too. Which was the only thing that kept her where she was, staring at the map on her phone as it showed Leon chasing around the city, trying to find their little brothers. Part of April wanted to help look, but she didn’t know how she could. Leon was definitely able to move around way faster than she ever could. And she knew the best help she could give was to stay there and look after Raph. He didn’t handle being alone in a foreign place well at all even when he was healthy. So she had to be there to keep him calm. But his current state wasn’t doing much in the way of keeping her calm.

Thirty minutes after Leon had left Raph had woken up again, asking almost immediately where Leon had gone. Noting how disoriented Raph seemed to be, April had made up the excuse that Leon had gone to the bathroom. Partly because she didn’t want Raph to try and get up, but also because she didn’t want to add any more stress to her biggest little brother even if he behaved and remained laying down. She just knew he would start imagining all the wrong scenarios in his overprotective mind. Probably start talking aloud that everything was fine to reassure himself. Get fidgety, want to check outside, and otherwise just not relax and rest like he needed to. He needed all the rest and care he could get.

When they had settled down in this room Raph had looked relatively okay despite the pain from his broken bones. Just a clenched jaw and furrowed brow behind his bright red mask. But now those rich green cheeks were flushed red, and his forehead was damp from sweat instead of the rain. April knew the signs of fever in all of her brothers, and even without a thermometer she could tell Raph’s temperature was creeping up. Leon had anticipated it, and had already given him a fever reducer that he’d had stolen while gathering supplies. But they weren’t exactly in the best circumstances. The tarp on the floor wasn’t that comfortable. The blankets weren’t that thick. And their sanitized bubble of space wasn’t impenetrable. They needed antibiotics, and a proper bed at the very least. As soon as Raph had shivered once April had wiggled out from under him to crank up their space heater. Then her own blanket was tossed over him before she slipped his bandana off so his face didn’t overheat.

Two hours after Leon had left April couldn’t bring herself to make up another excuse when Raph opened his eyes again amidst her absently rubbing his head. His right eye was always slightly unfocused after the damage it’d sustained from the Krang, but now even his left eye was finding it difficult to register where April was in the dark. Yet despite that it didn’t take much effort at all for him to notice Leon still wasn’t there.

“... Wh’rs Leo now?” Raph asked, slightly mumbled from exhaustion and fever haze. He sounded a little grumpy, but April knew it was just his worry creeping up into his sleepy mumbles.

“...He went to get Donnie and Mikey,” April relented this time, not willing to lie to Raph a third time and shifting her phone so that he could see the screen as well. Leon’s icon had come to a stop with the other two, and April kept telling herself it was because he’d finally located them, and was just taking care of them or something. Checking their physical and mental wellbeing. Catching them up on what had happened. Making sure no one saw them. The usual. His vitals had had a spike in heart rate at one point, but it was calm now. As were Donnie’s and Lil Mikey’s. So they had to be fine. Right?

“...What?” Raph almost wheezed, shifting to sit up and grinding his teeth when even twitching his leg sent stabbing waves of pain up it.

“Easy there, big guy,” April protested, placing a hand gently on Raph’s chest, pressing lightly to direct him to lay back down.

After halting his movements and giving a slight hiss, Raph looked back to April with a slight squint. “Why didn’t he wake Raph? I should be helping him get the others-”

“You know you’re not in any condition to be moving around,” April interrupted quietly, but firmly. “Don’t make me lecture you. We agreed after the Krang that no one would be doing anymore self sacrifice bull crap, remember? That includes forcing yourself to do what you physically or mentally shouldn’t when there isn’t immediate danger.” Her scolding felt shallow, but the conviction was still there under the sleep worn exterior. No more hiding injuries. No more getting seriously hurt to save others. They were to include themselves when it came to protecting who needed it most.

At first Raph wanted to be belligerent towards April. It was his job to look after his brothers. He was the oldest. It had always been that way. Especially if they were in an unfamiliar place like they were now. If he’d heard Leon correctly, they were apparently in an alternate dimension. And while Raph was probably the least scientifically inclined of them, he’d seen enough sci-fi stories to know what that meant. This was probably the most unfamiliar place they could get. He wanted to be there for his brothers. Not only to rescue Donnie and Lil Mikey, but also to be there to support Leon. But hearing April remind him of their agreement deflated his stubbornness almost instantaneously. He knew he could move on his own if he had to. His ninpo apparition would make it easier to not use his leg. But he didn’t need to move right then. As far as they knew, he was the most injured. So it was his job to behave and not worry the others. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t also just want to curl up and cry whenever he did move his leg. It was worse than when his shell had been broken.

Seeing Raph almost deflate into obedience, April let out a breath in a tired sigh and returned to rubbing his head. “There you go,” she complimented, grateful for his choice. “He said to wait until noon, and if he wasn’t back here by then to come looking for him,” she added, just so Raph knew they had a plan other than sit and wait endlessly.

She sounded so tired. And that, combined with everything else caused Raph to let out a small whimper as he shifted to wrap his arms around back around April. “...Okay… Raph will wait,” he agreed quietly, silently wondering what he could do for April in turn. He couldn’t imagine she was comfortable waiting in the dark on her own. So this time Raph stubbornly didn’t let himself fall back to sleep, staying curled around April as they gave each other comfort in the dark. It was hard to pass the time in silence, and unfortunately Raph’s brain felt a little more fuzzy than usual. He didn’t think talking about the others would help either, he knew it wouldn’t help him stay calm. So he ended up pulling himself to other, way less important thoughts. “....Do you think they have Jupiter Jim in this dimension?”

April couldn’t help snorting at the seemingly random question. But she found the topic was actually incredibly calming. “If they don’t I’m gonna be extremely disappointed,” shifting her attention to her phone with the thought to search for it on the internet. Seeing the tracking screen again though, she paused before looking back to Raph. “Do you have your phone? I’m not sure how to get back into this screen if I exit,” she admitted with a slight grimace.

“Yeah, I still have it,” Raph nodded, moving his hand from his hug just long enough to get his phone from his shell and pass it to April after unlocking it.

Quietly tapping the franchise name into a search engine, April ended up scoffing. “Whaaat? Nothing came up? Okay this dimension officially sucks now. What about your dad, are there any of his movies?” she huffed, immediately switching to the next curiosity.

Raph had to snort at her choice of search, and furrowed his brow. “... I dunno. We’re kind of an oddity…” he mused. He and his brothers were decidedly created by someone, not just a common species. He wasn’t sure how that would factor into consistencies between dimensions if something like Jupiter Jim wasn’t there.

“Euh, you’re right. Nothing came up for his movies either. Laaaaame,” April groaned, rolling her eyes.

Raph could feel the tension slipping out of her frame as she excitedly began looking up other things that were familiar to them. The Nexus Hotel wasn’t there, but surprisingly there was still a pizza chain called Lou Mike Tony’s Pizzeria. The two ended up excitedly making a note to try and get some once everything calmed down so they could compare. It made the next hour much more bearable, and they ended up slightly startled when a familiar blue portal whisked into view near them, momentarily illuminating the room as Leon slipped through before it closed.

“April!- Raph!” Leon blurted when he saw them, including Raph when he saw his big brother was awake this time and had jerked his head to look at him.

“Leo!- GAhhkk” Raph called, his attempt to sit up and greet his brother interrupted by another fierce pain firing up his leg.

“Woah there. Take it easy,” Leon cautioned, rushing over to crouch next to Raph and offer support. Even in the dark it only took him seconds to notice Raph’s flushed cheeks, and a brief expression of worry flashed over Leon’s features as he reached up a hand to Raph’s forehead. “Sss… okay, bit higher than expected…,” Leon hissed more to himself, eyes flicking down to Donnie’s wrist computer on his own arm and swiping the screen over to the vitals. 38.7 degrees celsius for Raph. Not horrible, but not good either. Leon knew they wouldn’t be able to avoid a fever, but he’d been hoping he’d have more time than this. At least he had a good place to take Raph and April too now though.

“Did you find Donnie and Mikey?!” April rushed while Leon checked the wrist screen, wedging next to Raph’s side to act as a prop to hold him if needed and handing his phone back to him. She could see Leon checking all of their vitals, so she knew she didn’t have to tell him about changes in Raph’s condition.

“Yeah!” Leon chirped, a bright smile returning to his features as he looked up to them. “They’re okay- Well, they��re a little banged up, but they’re already taken care of and sleeping. These really great guys from this dimension that are probably pretty much us already found them and took care of them,” he rambled, unable to sit still in his eagerness to get back. “They’re also gonna let me borrow their hella cool infirmary to fix up Raph! April you should see it! It’s like a whole hospital crammed into one room! They even have an MRI machine! At least I think that’s what it was….”

April listened to Leon in mild disbelief, what she was hearing conflicting with what she and Raph had thought more than half an hour ago. “Hold up-,” she paused, raising her hand, palm open. “They have the best ninja turtles ever in this dimension too, but no Lou Jitsu?”

“They don’t have Lou Jitsu here?” Leon repeated, looking borderline offended. “Wow, that sucks. Though I guess it makes sense. Their dad is kinda…. Weird. So quiet and…regal? I dunno. I feel like he’s one of those old dudes that just sits and drinks tea all day,” he mused, scrunching his nose slightly. He didn’t think he’d like not being able to roughhouse with and tease his dad. But that was a topic for later, and he pushed it aside in his mind as he addressed Raph again, leaving April to try and configure an image in her mind of this other version of their dad.

“We’re going to have to move you again Raph. Think you can handle it? I’ll try to make the distance as short as possible,” Leon informed apologetically, shifting around to crouch and wiggle underneath Raph’s arm on the opposite side of April.

“Are we going where Dee and Mikey are?” Raph asked, unable to resist giving Leon a little squeeze hug once he was squished under his arm.

“Yup! They’ll be in the same room. But we’re going to fix your leg before letting you join them, okay?” Leon confirmed after giving a small wheeze squeak and laugh at being squished.

Seeing Leon in such a good mood compared to the last time he saw him, Raph realized wherever they were going it was apparently safe enough for Leon to want to be there. And that was enough to reassure Raph that all of them would probably be alright. “Okay, let’s get going then,” Raph nodded, realizing they needed to get moving before the relief Leon brought washed away all resistance he had to the desire to lay back down. Shifting to help Leon and April lift him to his feet, Raph bit back almost all of his whimpers as the trio heaved the group up as carefully as they could. “Easy. Gently. Sorry,” Leon chattered uneasily, pushing back the heartache bubbling up in his chest. “Don’t put any weight on your leg at all okay?” Leon ordered just in case Raph forgot or wasn’t thinking about it, and adjusted his own position to try and take all of Raph’s weight off his broken leg. He wished he had a better way to move them, but portal dropping him onto the surgery table was risky as well as too jarring. So he just had to keep his heart in his chest, forcing himself to be steady as every noise from Raph made him want to stop moving completely, and gradually help them make their way through the new portal he opened.

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Iiiiii struggled so freaking hard with this one ;v; Not only because I just couldn't get words to work to give this part the attention I wanted (it's barely acceptable now), but I've been working on a massive collab image, and then also got super distracted by a game's story |DDD oops.

you for your patience <3 Hope you enjoy the Raph snuggles =7=

#my art #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #cross dimension kidnapping #Raph #April #rise + 2003 crossover #writing #long post

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perpetualexistence · 2 months

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An Appetite for Knowledge: An Intellect Devourer Noah AU

So, based on me watching clips of Baldur's Gate 3 and @total-drama-brainrot's false hydra Heather post, I couldn't help but think to myself: 'Why should Heather be the only one who's a DnD monster?'

Hence me making an AU where Noah's an Intellect Devourer. If you know what it is, you know EXACTLY what kind of horrifying implications that has. Though the name itself is also an explanation of what one is.

I've made a whole horror one-shot showing those implications that you can check out here! I highly encourage you to read it first for maximum suspense before reading on where I fully explain what Noah's deal is.

Also, the first pic you're going to see if of a brain with legs so keep that in mind for the kind of tone this AU's going for.

Noah's one of these little scamps:

Intellect devourers are squishy little guys whose whole purpose is someone unlucky enough to cross their path, use psychic attacks to paralyze them, and then consume their mind and memories. They replace the mind they just ate with themselves, and now have a body to use to lure people towards mind flayers.

They can crawl out of their new bodies at will, or else be forced into leaving through certain protection spells. But there is no getting the original person/brain back short of performing a literal miracle.

Typically they work on orders from the hivemind they're a part of. Without orders, they'll be skittering about either following the last thing they were told or keeping themselves alive.

That's the situation that a certain baby intellect devourer finds itself in. The hivemind that it was once a part of got destroyed by an adventuring party. But they failed to do it properly. Rather than killing everything connected to the hivemind at once, they only severed the connection from the main brain to everything else. They had no way of knowing it at the time, so everyone thought the problem was dealt with.

Leaving strays such as this creature without a name to fend for themselves. It's smaller than the rest, and knows staying with a group will make it more likely to be noticed by adventurers that want it dead, so it scampers off on its own to find a body it can safely hide in.

It finds a small child all alone on his way to wizard school, takes over, and names himself Noah. He was lucky to find himself a child genius that's effectively a 3rd level wizard. He's got access to a spell known as Nystul's Magic Aura that lets him still appear as human through magical means unless someone really tries pressing him with magic. Eventually, he'll also get access to Nondetection that'll prevent others from targeting him with spells to find out what he is without first dismantling Nondetection.

Combine the fact that this is the kid's first time in a new country, nobody has any context of knowing that Noah's acting weird. He's hard to detect, and he'll only get worse as he learns more magic.

Luckily for everyone, Noah's lazy thanks to how spoiled he's been with the body he's managed to snag. He also isn't required to kill anyone thanks to a hivemind.

He's fairly content with only snagging as much intelligence with others as he needs. After all, if dead bodies start piling up in a wizard school, life is going to be a lot more difficult for him.

He just needs to be within 10 feet of a person in order to feed from them. He can unleash a mild psychic attack to steal some of their knowledge, but for them it feels more like a headache. His favorite feeding ground is the library. It's easy enough to believe studying and stress are causing a headache and making it hard to remember something rather than an intellect devourer feeding on the knowledge you're trying to learn.

Plus, Noah rather likes reading. Before he got into his human body he couldn't see in the traditional sense. He could only sense things around him, and detect anything with intelligence from 300 ft away. Any knowledge he got had to be stolen. So now that he has the opportunity to learn that doesn't require him putting the work of stealing it from someone else? Of course he's going to take it.

He is capable of a more powerful psychic attack to incapacitate someone, but that's harder to hide. He never plans to use that unless his life was seriously in danger.

He also surrounds himself with people who are physically stronger than him to make up for his own lack of physical prowess. Hence him sticking with Owen, Izzy, and Eva. The wizard school he goes to is either really near or partners with other nearby adventuring school, which is how he meets them.

Does he truly cares about them, or does he just keep them around because they're useful to him?

It's hard to say. He was also the kid-equivalent of an Intellect Devourer when he possessed his first human, who also happened to be a kid. He was cut off from a collective before he was fully formed., Most of his personality is heavily influenced on the kid.

He actually understands what empathy and morality are, which are more than what most of his kind can say. But they make him uncomfortable, so he's much happier to just not think about it. He just knows he likes having his chubby buddy and Team E-scope around, and he's go no reason to feed on them. The only one smart enough for his palette is Izzy, and she's tinged with crazy so he's Not Touching That.

He won't feed on Alejandro either, but that's for a different reason. Alejandro's certainly smart enough to be on the menu. It makes it even tastier that he's got cunning. He's smart enough to figure out that Noah's more powerful than he looks/is hiding something. He's dangerous to be near, but Noah still will.

After all, Noah's got to have a backup plan if anything happens to his current host. He'd lose his ability to cast spells like before, but he'd gain a stronger body, and one with money to boot.

Still, Alejandro's nice company for now, so there's no need to be hasty with the emergency murder plan.

Noah's eventual plan is to be a part of the adventuring party that Owen and Izzy are trying to create with him, Eva, and Alejandro (and possibly Tyler because Team CIRRRRH shall live forevermore in my AUs).

He can travel around, sampling knowledge from across the continent. When they do need to fight monsters for the sake of 'doing good' and getting paid, everyone else can take the hits while he casts magic from the back while remaining unharmed. No one will ever be the wiser.

This isn't going to go exactly how Noah wants because somehow everyone else is going to find out about Noah being an Intellect Devourer.

I'm currently torn between two ways of it happening: Someone is casting Protection from Evil and Good on the whole party and Noah isn't able to get out of it, forcing him out of his body.

Or they get caught by something else (possibly mind flayers), and are put in separate cells. Noah scurries out of his human body in order to get out, consume and possess one of their captors to release them all, and then gets caught by the others when he tries to scurry back into his body.

Either way, it's not going to be fun for everyone else to grapple with the fact that the scrawny little nerd they know has killed, and has no problem with killing again if he thinks he needs to.

#an appetite for knowledge au #intellect devourer noah au #total drama #total drama au #total drama noah #td noah #dungeons and dragons au #dnd au

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protectingtulpas · 4 months

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sorry if I'm being annoying because you probably already answered to a lot of questions like that but I'm very new to tulpamancy so do you have any tips for a beginner ? Thank you in advance!

Hmmmm there aint much context here but I'll give ya some tips I can think of for the most basic of beginners!

- learning to listen to ur own head is a skill in of itself, and it's an instinct you gotta develop. My host did it by learning to do stuff in our headspace before working on me, but the basic skills ya want are being able to listen to the instinctive responses of your brain, being able to focus on your internal state over a long time, and (eventually) multitasking doing something in ur head and in outerworld at the same time. We have adhd so having something to do in headspace helped a Lot. Some of my earliest memories are of choosing where to go in headspace.

- A lot of places will tell you about active forcing and how important it is to dedicate time to your tulpa, but our greatest advances personally always happened when I was being shown something in headspace or outerworld, getting some kinda stimulus or thing host thought would be interesting to me. So while yeah just paying attention to your tulpa is important too, especially in the very early stages, don't be afraid to do things with them! Give em experiences, things to base their identity off of. Your tulpa is speedrunning learning how to be a person, they can't do that in a bubble!

- When you're starting out tulpamancy, it's common to base your tulpa off of some kinda predetermined guidelines like personality traits, likes, or even a character or concept- that's how I was made, and how I'm a fictive. It also makes it easier to kickstart their creation and feel their presence faster. But be careful not to rely on that framework too much, cus it can make you paranoid later on. For a couple examples: maybe Host A starts working on Fictive Tulpa B, and she knows how he acts in-canon so well that she struggles to tell if she's actually getting responses from him or if she's just automatically judging what the character would say. In another example, Host Y has been forcing Tulpa Z with a specific set of traits, and when Z diverged and expressed an opinion contradictory to that framework, Host Y began panicking and thinking xe did something wrong. In both cases, Host A and Host Y are focusing too much on what they expect their tulpas to be, and not enough on how they are in the present and the development of their autonomy.

- You probably won't get much vocal response right away, especially if you're starting out as a singlet. You gotta watch for more subtle cues when you're just starting out, like feeling their presence, them moving their headspace form, or sharing positive or negative feelings. Sharing emotions and thoughts without actual words is pretty common in systems, and in the tulpamancy community it's called tulpish. Be on the lookout for nonverbal communication like that, because it's some of the first stuff we can do! Also, something lots of new tulpamancers report are head pressures, which are like really mild temple headaches that come with lots of forcing or the presence of your tulpa. (feels like the "expanding brain" meme irl if im being honest LOL) If you're struggling to tell if you're making any progress, try paying attention for that too.

That's about all I can think of for now! Good luck to ya anon ✨ check out my #tulpamancy advice tag for more!

#tulpamancy advice #tulpamancy #tulpa #endogenic system #pro tulpa #endogenic #tulpamancer

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charon-cries · 20 days

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if it's not too personal an ask/you don't mind sharing: what is your disability/illness? I have something that sounds similar and it's nice to see someone with the same worries/struggles.

no worries! i have fibromyalgia + chronic plantar fasciitis. both of them run in my family; my aunt and my grandmother were both diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few years after they turned 18 and i started developing it when i was twelve. and a good deal of people on my mom's side of the family has plantar fasciitis as well. apparently, that usually goes away, but literally no one in my family has ever been able to get rid of it so the doctors diagnosed it as chronic for me right off the bat based on my medical history haha

fibromyalgia tends to vary for different people from my experience, so for context: i can't sit in one position for too long and need to adjust almost constantly or i'll be super super achey the next day. i can only really stand for about five minutes without pain, but i can push it to about 45 minutes before i start getting into the "i'm about to collapse" territory. and i can walk for about two hours (with breaks) before my physical timer runs out.

if i DO end up pushing it on either of those things, then i tend to be pretty out of commission for the next at least three days, in which i can't really move without pretty terrible muscle pain & my leg muscles will get extremely stiff and difficult to stretch because of the plantar fasciitis.

i don't get migraines (as in actual migraines— i do get pretty bad headaches but i'm sure that's caffeine addiction related) but i DO experience some mild brain fog where i tend to forget unimportant facts (such as birthdays or my exact age) and have trouble stringing together efficient and complete sentences.

i also tend to get random-ish pain flare-ups, typically at the start and end of winter, where i experience all of that ^ but from just sitting around on my couch like some guy.

i once housesat for a dogowner for a week, and the only exercise i did the entire time was taking her on two five-minute walks a day, and by the end of the seven days i was in full smegol from lotr stance for like a full seven days after hahah

all of this stuff, of course, is inconsistent— there are some days where i'm able to be out for a few hours, deal with some pretty bad pain that day, and be at baseline the next morning. it's a mystery to me. anyway that's all, i hope this helps ^^

#echolocating #actually disabled #fibromyalgia #plantar fasciitis

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liketwoswansinbalance · 3 months

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The Brothers' and the School Masters' Futures & Trivia

Note:

I would suggest reading my role reversal fic, "Masters of None," featuring an AU in which Rhian and Rafal are young, kidnapped, Reader students and Sophie and Agatha are the School Masters, before reading this post as this post may be confusing if you haven't.

Here are links to the fic on:

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A Q&A about the characters' futures.

When I posted this fic to another site, I got some questions about the brothers' and the School Masters' futures, and since I have no plans to write a sequel to this fic at the moment, I offered answers about their and other characters' futures. So, if you're interested, that bonus content is ahead!

Also, thank you to everyone who asked questions! If anyone has further questions, feel free to comment them below.

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Fun fact: Sophie says hydrangeas nauseated her in QFG because they resembled brains, so these ones are part of Agatha's interrogation technique.

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Q: So if they're immortal (Sophie and Agatha) can they just eat belladonna berries or poison without effects?

A: Probably, they'd suffer mild side effects from poison, like an upset stomach, nothing major.

For instance, the undiluted scream of a mandrake root is supposed to kill a mortal man instantly when heard. Sophie just gets an aching, throbbing, pounding headache of massive proportions. In the moat, the root's properties are interfered with, and it's sort of waterlogged, so it doesn't kill Rafal, a mortal, when he hears it, luckily.

Considering how Rafal was capable of feeling temporary, mortal pain in the prequels, even when his magic was at full strength, it would only make sense to not make Sophie and Agatha 100% invulnerable in this context.

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Q: What do the Good students think of Agatha? And does anyone have a teacher crush on Sophie, rather than Sophie flirting with them?

A: The Good students are fond of Agatha, but they see her as the exception, not the rule. She's still very unconventional to them as an Ever, but they hold a certain reverence for her anyway, like she's a respectable Lady of the Lake-figure. (There are Camelot letters on Agatha's desk. For a few years, the king of Camelot (Tedros) has been attempting to court Agatha, and Camelot itself, despite its traditionalism, approves of the match, if only Agatha would agree to it, because her status as Good School Master would elevate Camelot even further.)

Yes, Everboys generally have a crush on Sophie from afar, for the first few weeks of school, until they realize she really is as Evil/fatal as they've been told, and stop viewing her as some kind of damsel to be saved. It's a reasonable mistake to be made. Usually, this happens when they hear the screams from the Doom Room, and arrive at the conclusion that the Evil School Master is kind of psychotic, even if she seems perfectly coy, polite, and demure on the outside. They rarely act on their crushes though. The dimmer few that do quickly find out she's Evil the hard way. If they manage to scale the School Masters' tower, and reach the catwalk, they are caught by Sophie's high-security magical wards. The glitter on the walkway, which looks perfectly harmless, adheres to any exposed skin, and causes horrid blisters. The Everboys usually end up sobbing wrecks at that point, and are taken back to their side by Sophie's Stymphs.

The Evergirls in Beautification (which she teaches in Agatha's stead) look up to her, but they don't entirely approve of her either.

The Nevers don't care about how attractive their School Master is. Some of them secretly don't like her because of how un-Never-like she is.

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Q: Would you say Agatha is the type of teacher that can be strict but is also really good? Like people actually learn a lot by being taught by her.

A: Yes! As a teacher, she's kind of like August Sader. She tries to get her students to figure things out for themselves, teach them critical thinking along the way. Though, she does answer questions as she isn't a Seer.

(Also, the Nevers have a point. Sophie's not exactly representative of them as a whole. At the very least, Woods leaders respect Sophie because they're kind of obligated to, even if she seems silly to them, and they're very afraid of her.

Eventually, Agatha reluctantly goes on a date with Tedros. But, she can't be queen and School Master at the same time. (Both are demanding jobs.) So, if she ever were to marry Tedros, she'd take on the position ceremonially, and she'd have to delegate to the household in Camelot from a distance through some kind of correspondence because she's constantly busy at the School.)

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Q: What kind of questions is she asked?

A: Two common dilemmas:

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Ever: School Master Agatha, my Ball date left me! What should I do?!

Agatha: First, take a deep breathe and take my handkerchief. Do you have any reason to believe they indeed left you? [First, to make sure they aren't exaggerating when they explain themselves.] Why do you think they left you? [After listening to their response, she'd either re-direct them to fix things, apologize, or tell them it wasn't their fault but the date's. And lastly:] What do you think you should do?

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Ever: What's the answer to this question I got wrong on my Good Deeds Quiz?

Agatha: Why don't you read it over again and tell me? If you really can't come up with any answers, come back and I'll explain it to you. And remember: there may only be one entrance to the kingdom of Putsi, but there are many, many ways to be Good!

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Q: That sounds like a smart way to handle things. How does Tedros feel about that?

A: Tedros tries to be ok with it, but he's clingy, and sometimes, is at the School to see his wife more than he should be. Often, Camelot has to send multiple envoys to the School, to get him to come back and rule!

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Q: Aww poor Tedros. So how does the wedding work? Was school canceled for the day?

A: The wedding takes place on a School holiday, and Agatha takes a leave of absence for their honeymoon.

Sophie is thrilled to have the Schools all to herself, and would've wreaked havoc, if Agatha hadn't given her Dean precise instructions before she left on how to defuse Sophie. The Dean doesn't manage to interfere with all of Sophie's plans however and was tricked into running errands (a wild goose chase, to get rid of him). When Agatha gets back, all the uniforms (including the Evers') have been redesigned, Evil's front lawn has been filled with man-eating yet beautiful rose bushes, the Blue Forest has been turned pink, and Sophie had a new bathtub and chandelier installed in their tower.

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Q: And how does Agatha react to the.. ahem, renovations?

A: She's not too happy, and gives Sophie a lecture about over-spending. Sophie reasons that Camelot can pay for it all, and Agatha is just... at a loss for words.

Agatha permits most of the changes to stay (The Evers like their new uniforms. The Nevers don't, but Agatha can't do anything for them.), except the Blue Forest is changed back, and the roses have to go because they're a safety hazard.

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Q: Aww the roses actually seemed oddly.. cute?

A: I guess they were cute, to Sophie. But, they were relocated to the Blue Forest, to be part of that year's Trial. And, Sophie replaced the empty patches with lavender and honeysuckle instead, to use for her beauty routines. The honeysuckle attracted a lot of hummingbirds, and Reaper loves them too, for that reason. Only the Nevers themselves hate the new gardens.

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Q: Maybe the insomniac Nevers can use lavender to help them sleep..

A: They could... if only they would listen to their School Master. But they don't, and largely continue to be insomniacs.

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Q: Is Sophie Tedros' ex in this?

A: No, she's not.

I guess Sophie and Agatha would have to be from the Woods, not Readers originally, and I'm not sure if they would've attended the Schools themselves. Plus, Tedros is centuries younger than Agatha, even if he's an adult, so they didn't really all know each other during Sophie's prince-chasing phase.

And, it was Sophie who started the Reader-kidnapping tradition (she flew to Gavaldon while looking for a new tailor), soo actually, yeah, they can't really be Readers themselves. Agatha couldn't have found Gavaldon because, as an Ever, she refuses to use blood magic for flight.

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Q: Like Rafal starting it in the og!

A: Yep! In this AU, Sophie is basically him but with her own typical personality. Hence how she was a shadow at the beginning of this fic.

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Q: So what happens with Kyma and all?

A: She's part of a class in the much more far future, long after Rhian and Rafal's class. She's the only Evergirl known to rival the Good School Master's Goodness, and eventually takes the position of Dean of Good under Agatha. No stupid boys like Aladdin for her!

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Q: WILL Rafal eventually kill the School Masters?

A: No. Agatha got through to him, mostly. Well, it takes him a while to change his mind and turn over a new leaf. By second year, he has other goals.

It's hard to picture him in a job other than School Master, so I think, when he graduates, he either goes off and does his own thing, extorting money, gaining power, assassinating important dignitaries in his way, and maybe, taking a fortress for himself, or he works at the national Bank of Putsi, or becomes a member of the Kingdom Council. Something else that affords him power.

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I don't have any plans for a part two at all, but if inspiration ever strikes, I might write some kind of follow-up. However, if you'd like to know anything about the characters' futures, I can just tell you what I have in mind!

Q: I can imagine! Do tell me what you have in mind. :D

A: Sophie and Agatha continue on as School Masters for the rest of time. No wars are fought. The Woods remain in balance.

By the time the brothers' fourth year rolls around, Sophie is harboring a bit of a petty grudge against Rafal because they had a platonic, student-mentor friendship for a bit, and then he rejected her very outrightly in a no-nonsense, undramatic way, so like any prodigious witch or woman scorned, she sets him up to fail and with luck, end up in a watery grave. So, their dynamic is closer to Tedros' and Sophie's in canon, like friendly-enemies, not even "frenemies" but worse.

Agatha is a little miffed by this turn of events as Rafal had always been such a promising student for his side, and she thinks it's such a waste for Sophie to squander her best student. What on earth was her sister thinking? (Hint: She wasn't. She'd rather settle a score than lead Evil as a whole to greater victory on the shoulders on a boy she "despises." And that small-scale pettiness is probably the greatest Evil of all, denying her side that chance to win.) Nevertheless, Evil students are not within Agatha's sphere of influence, so she can't truly do anything about Rafal's fourth-year questing assignment, which is to parlay with the infamous Night Crawlers that have already killed many a man for centuries. How her sister expects Rafal to confer with inhuman creatures that cannot talk is beyond her. Then again, that must be the point: a roundabout death sentence over Rafal's head, engineered to be a no-win situation for a mortal.

Meanwhile, Rhian is frantic over Rafal's unfair questing assignment and doesn't pay much attention to his own. He literally throws himself at Sophie's feet, but she will not yield. Even Agatha tries to bribe Sophie with jewelry to re-assign Rafal's quest considering that it's causing one of her students severe emotional distress, but Sophie will not reconsider. At all. She does take the diamond earrings though.

Rafal is less worried than Rhian, but everyone (including his own Never classmates) suspects it's a facade, some kind of false bravado, or sheer overconfidence as Class Captain. He's more mad than afraid, actually. Because, he's devised an ingenious way to game the system against all odds. While teaching him sorcery, Sophie had shown him the flesh-over spell (from TLEA), good for mild blemishes and pimples and such. However, he adapted that spell into a regeneration spell, so he would continually have more blood to give and could manually "heal" (temporarily patch up) his wounds so he wouldn't bleed out, meaning, that if he couldn't secure an unfortunate stranger as a decent hostage to trade to the Night Crawlers, he'd be able to use himself as bait/part of the exchange in a controlled manner and still live to tell the tale.

Eventually, tales of his regeneration spell, as the best-known substitute for immortality, are bandied throughout the Woods for decades, but no one ever manages to replicate it. And since he's the only one known to cast it successfully, having withheld the knowledge for his own gain, only a few intrepid souls approach him every year with requests, often, veteran soldiers to gain back a limb, who bring him their weight in gold that they scraped together. So, Rafal is mythologized and becomes a Baba Yaga-type figure because he passes his judgments on the people that seek an audience with him, and either murders them instantly or helps them. The decision always seems sporadic on the outside, but Rafal has his reasons/intuition around who he sees as fit to live.

Anyway, somehow, Rafal negotiates incredibly well, and in return, agrees to help the Night Crawlers reach their lightless paradise at the bottom of the sea, probably below the seafloor. And he does it so well (partly by tricking them/using "exact words") that he is crowned The Sorcerer King of the Night Crawlers and Master of the Inagrotten. Of course, when this news reaches Sophie, it infuriates her, but she finally decides to leave him alone.

She also takes some of the credit for teaching her best student, saying she knew he'd succeed all along and had faith in his talents, but not everyone believes her. The Rot eats up the story when they interview her though. And hers is the only version of the story they have. Rafal doesn't care and flat-out refuses to be interviewed. His refusal does make headlines though. He encased a very talkative reporter in solid ice for his troubles.

With his new, hard-earned, fearsome reputation, Rafal has enough leverage to take up a fight with the Kingdom Council now because no Ever kingdom in the Woods is willing to utter his name for fear of summoning him (an urban myth that's cropped up). So, they call him "Rothbart the Second" as a pseudonym, or refer to him by his illustrious title. Rhian finds all this very funny, but he goes along with the bit whilst in polite company, so no one makes him throw salt over his shoulder.

And, Rafal does Rhian a favor after Rhian wraps up with his more typical fourth-year quest: campaigning for equal marriage rights for all in Pifflepaff Hills (the pink and blue kingdom). More on that later.

Rafal pays off Seers to be one step ahead on rare occasions, extorts money from various emperors, kings, and regents, and doesn't have a permanent fortress/address because that would be too vulnerable to attack, an unchanging place. Soon enough, everyone would figure out where he is and bother him, and he can't have that. (The only person who is aware where Rafal is at any given time, or who knows where he "lives" is Rhian because they post each other letters on the regular.) Rafal lives inside his own Celestium, in a black cloak he enchanted, which is only accessible to him. It's also the only place in the Woods where he's not paranoid because several Ever kingdoms have put a bounty on his head. No one ever manages to kill him though, which is a fact he's extremely smug about. He learns blood magic, and can fly off from any threats, if he has to. And, he takes a life-extension elixir of blood-and-gold to prolong his life even further. He still ages mortally a bit slowly, but Rhian worries that he's cheating death too much and that it might catch up to him one day.

As for Rhian, he never does find the perfect, imaginary True Love that lives up to his ideals, but finds that he's contented by Rafal's monthly visits, especially considering how after his quest reached a successful end, Rafal got him a position on the Kingdom Council (the favor), as a biased "in" for him to exploit (the cover story), but secretly also so he'd know Rhian would have a relatively safe job for the rest of his life, so he wouldn't have to worry about Rhian dying while he's away.

Eventually, Rhian rises in the ranks and becomes a judge of some kind of inter-kingdom court, at Four Point, which is funny because his brother is technically an outlaw, not that Rhian would ever pass a verdict against Rafal, because he can't oversee a trial where someone he knows personally is involved anyway (it's against the rules), but still, it's really strange to see the strait-laced, gold-robed judge have tea with his brother in black. Without fail, the foreign Ever dignitaries scatter from the courtroom when they spot the Inagrotten docked at the nearest port because they know exactly who's arrived.

The END.

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Q: Very curious! What were Rafal's reasons for rejecting Sophie?

A: Like Rafal in Rise, this Rafal has no interest in romance, and probably, still has part of his original impression of this Sophie in his mind, which is "annoying" and "too fussy/difficult/high-maintenance" for him to deal with. He's got enough on his plate with Rhian already, so he doesn't want another "Rhian." He doesn't tell her his reasons though. But, he would like his life to be drama-free, for once.

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Q: That's what I thought! Honestly, I'm not a fan of Rafal x Sophie in general, but I can see how TLEA's Rafal works with her.

A: Yes, they're my favorite ship, but wouldn't have worked well in this context, so they couldn't end up together. Personally, I think they balance each other well, but not in all circumstances. (Probably, because I view Rafal and Agatha as similar, and Agatha and Sophie also balance each other well (platonically).) And TLEA Rafal and Sophie I like because they're in love and in pain, which is just... entertaining and devastating, kind of. They have chemistry there too, I think. The TLEA banter is basically some of my favorite dialogue in the whole series. You can really see contrast in Sophie's line about tea parties and sunlight. Though, I'm just kind of attached to the idea of the ship, haha.

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Q: What happens with Agatha and Sophie after the twins have their own careers and so forth? Hopefully they don't kill each other..

A: Well, like usual, they get another class of students, and the cycle repeats. It's less tumultuous this time around because Sophie is not infatuated with the students. She's probably learned her lesson, but in a couple of centuries, it may just happen again...

And, no, they don't kill each other. There are some close calls, like the time Agatha broke a mirror, the time Agatha fed one of Sophie's leather handbags to a Stymph in retaliation for Sophie's flower arrangements aggravating her hay fever, and the time that she accidentally let Reaper into Sophie's closet (resulting in torn hems and clawed curtains). But, luckily, Sophie does fundamentally love Agatha, so Agatha is never actually murdered. Sophie just screams at her, and gives her the silent treatment for a couple days. Then, Agatha brings her a lavish present, and all is well again.

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Q: What does Rafal's Celestium look like?

A: In this AU, Rafal's Celestium has a deep, velvety, black, midnight sky, and spangles of "stars," white pinpricks of lights, like holes in a swath of fabric, so he can breathe. There are dark, stormy clouds, but all is silent, like he's in a vacuum, like he's safely tucked in the eye of a major storm or within an inkblot. If he wants to, he can adjust the lighting, so it's not too dark. The second light source is these beautiful, phantom flowers that grow from vines that encircle the clouds. They're not real, physical things, just offshoots of magic, ghostly and golden, like some kind of residual effect from spending time around Rhian. There are often more of them when Rafal's close to Rhian, during his visits. And, he likes to watch their constant glow, like nightlights. It's a comforting reminder that Rhian is alive after all. Though, he never touches them or prunes them, just lets them continually take over, or wither in their own time frame because he once found that when he touched one himself, to attempt to pick it and bring it to Rhian, it instantly crumpled to ash in his hand. They're inaccessible to him, the way Good is figuratively inaccessible to him, like a symbol of what he cannot be, but can only do.

(In the universe of TOTSMOV41, his Celestium has more movement/clutter, and a different appearance, but that will be revealed a while later. It does come up in one of the sequels I have planned to TOTSMOV41, if I ever manage to finish it.)

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Q: If Rafal has a Celestium, does Rhian have one too or did he not take up magic as seriously as Rafal? If he does have one, what does it look like? I would imagine he would have something associated with Rafal in there as well.

A: Rhian wouldn't practice his sorcery as frequently as Rafal would. As an Ever, he doesn't have as much cause to, except when he needs to discern the truth at trials, or judge the souls of the convicted. Otherwise, he uses his sorcery for frivolous things, like manifesting clothes, or levitating his luggage and books through the air.

Rhian's Celestium would be found in his gold, judicial robes, or when he's in a pinch, he can access it via his heavily-embroidered cravats.

The robes have mesh-like embroidery embossed on them, with some dimension and real heft to the needlework, from thread of pure spun gold, mostly at the sleeve cuffs and about the wide borders at the bottom hem. This would translate to a fragile-seeming, mesh-like, geodesic dome in his Celestium, that looks as if it could be toppled by a strong wind, as part of its "sky," with very intricate lattice-work done, wrought in twisted gold, the way palace gates often are, with hammered gold leaves and flowers, to match the embroidery work. The space wouldn't exactly have a ceiling, considering how the whole thing is a dome, but a paneled atrium ceiling would also be a similar image to what I have in mind.

Usually, his Celestium would be sunlit and warm, and the voluminous folds of his robes would make up the sky, usually reflecting a sky at sunrise through the gold wire structure, in pale blues and oranges, which would carry over from the deep blue and orangish, bronze-colored, brocade inner lining of his robes. The lighting within the dome mimics the Golden Hour at all times unless he were to tamper with it.

Some of the panels of his sky-dome are just mirrors, like shimmering fish-scales embedded in the sky, so he gets a good view of himself from many angles. Typical Ever vanity and hubris.

Rhian's sign of Rafal in his Celestium are soft, slick feathers, black swan feathers that rain down slowly, floating in the atmosphere, like wisps of smoke. Some just hang there, suspended in the air or blown about by airstreams. They brush Rhian on their way down, and at times, tickle him when they fall past.

If all the feathers were to drop to the ground at once, he'd probably have true cause to worry, believing that Rafal is gravely wounded or even dead. It hasn't happened yet though.

Here are some images, of a geodesic dome and of the gold wrought quality it would have, if you're at all curious:

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Once again, if anyone else has other questions, concerns, or thoughts, I'm perfectly willing to answer them in the comments section!

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marta-bee · 11 months

Text

As you might have guessed from the quotes, I’ve been reading Good Omens again. I was all prepared to be uncomfortable with this par. Crowley was about to turn paintball guns into gun-guns, and I was sure after all the mass shootings America has seen since the twelve or so years since I last read it, that part would just hit differently.

I wasn’t wrong, though I’d forgotten how funny and delightfully ‘90s-ish the corporate warfare was. Honestly I was laughing too hard at all the humor around the violence to notice. I can’t recommend it enough, if you’re old enough to remember why Dilbert was funny once upon a time, you really should give this bit a read. A sample:

The contingent from Financial Planning were lying flat on their faces in what had once been the haha, although they weren't very amused.

"I always said you couldn't trust those people from Purchasing," said the Deputy Financial Manager. "The bastards."

A shot pinged off the wall above him.

He crawled hurriedly over to the little group clustered around the fallen Wethered. "How does it look?" he said.

The assistant Head of Wages turned a haggard face toward him.

"Pretty bad," he said. "The bullet went through nearly all of them. Access, Barclaycard, Diners-the lot."

"It was only the American Express Gold that stopped it," said Wethered.

They looked in mute horror at the spectacle of a credit card wallet with a bullet hole nearly all the way through it.

"Why'd they do it?" said a wages officer.

What most struck me though was the bits woven between all the poking fun at white collar office culture and the human capacity to wish violence on each other. I’d almost call it a coincidence if it wasn’t actually relevant to everything else going on. Any of my fellow Sherlockians, you know what they say about coincidences.

Let’s start with Nigel Tompkins. Or a little before he shows up, for context. Aziraphale and Crowley are hunting for the antichrist so decide to go back to the hospital where Crowley left him. It’s been burned down, most of the sisters have left, but now Sr. Mary Loquacious (now Mary Hodges, no sister) has turned it into a rather unorthodox corporate events center. They’re doing paintball. Lots of stultified corporate types have been handed nonlethal guns and told to have at it, which has exactly the result you’d expect (humans being humans) even before Crowley miracles their dearest wishes into reality and turns their paintball guns into real guns.

This is the scene Az&Cr stumble into (the paintball version to start). Nigel Tompkins has the bad luck to shoot at them as they’re getting out of the car, and after much hemming and hawing over stained fabrics, Crowley scares him off:

Tompkins thumbed another paint pellet into the gun and muttered business mantras to himself. Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You. Kill or Be Killed. Either Shit or Get Out of the Kitchen. Survival of the Fittest. Make My Day.

He crawled a little nearer to the figures by the statue. They didn't seem to have noticed him. When the available cover ran out, he took a deep breath and leapt to his feet.

"Okay, douchebags, grab some sk-ohnoooeeeeee . . ."

Where one of the figures had been there was something dreadful. He blacked out. Crowley restored himself to his favorite shape.

"I hate having to do that," he murmured. "I'm always afraid I'll forget how to change back. And it can ruin a good suit."

"I think the maggots were a bit over the top, myself," said Aziraphale, but without much rancor.

Then later:

Nigel Tompkins had come to with a mild headache and a vaguely empty space in his recent memory. He was not to know that the human brain, when faced with a sight too terrible to contemplate, is remarkably good at scabbing it over with forced forgetfulness, so he put it down to a pellet strike on the head.

He was vaguely aware that his gun was somewhat heavier, but in his mildly bemused state he did not realize why until some time after he'd pointed it at trainee manager Norman Wethered from Internal Audit and pulled the trigger.

It’s this “scabbed over” language that really interests me, because ti comes up again with Mary Hodges. Trying to get information out of her, Crowley puts her into a kind of trance to question her.

"Good"-Crowley glanced at his watch-"morning, ma'am," he said, in a sing-song voice. "We're just a couple of supernatural entities and we were just wondering if you might help us with the whereabouts of the notorious Son of Satan." He smiled coldly at the angel. "I'll wake her up again, shall I? And you can say it."

"Well. Since you put it like that . . ." said the angel slowly.

"Sometimes the old ways are best," said Crowley. He turned to the impassive woman. "Were you a nun here eleven years ago?" he said.

"Yes," said Mary.

"There!" said Crowley to Aziraphale. "See? I knew I wasn't wrong." "Luck of the devil," muttered the angel.

"Your name then was Sister Talkative. Or something." "Loquacious," said Mary Hodges in a hollow voice.

"And do you recall an incident involving the switching of newborn babies?" said Crowley.

Mary Hodges hesitated. When she did speak, it was as though memories that had been scabbed over were being disturbed for the first time in years.

"Yes," she said.

"Is there any possibility that the switch could have gone wrong in some way?" "I do not know."

Crowley thought for a bit. "You must have had records," he said. "There are always records.

Everyone has records these days." He glanced proudly at Aziraphale. "It was one of my better ideas." "Oh, yes," said Mary Hodges.

"And where are they?" said Aziraphale sweetly.

"There was a fire just after the birth."

Crowley groaned and threw his hands in the air. "That was Hastur, probably," he said. "It's his style. Can you believe those guys? I bet he thought he was being really clever." "Do you recall any details about the other child?" said Aziraphale. "Yes."

"Please tell me."

"He had lovely little toesie-wosies."

Neil and PTerry are not authors like me, they don’t just use the same word all helter-skelter because they cant remember what they wrote five lines earlier. They’re funny and most importantly clever people. Or at least they have good editors who will call them on it. So likening this hazy or lost memory to a scab seems intentional to me.

But it’s not that Mary was traumatized by her time with the order. She was young and a bit hemmed in, but they weren’t evil in anything more than being allied with Crowley’s side. There’s nothing about her time with them that would be particularly upsetting, certainly not so much she’d have blocked it out even from her subconscious. Crowley’s putting her under here feels vaguely akin to hypnosis, suppressing part of her mental defenses so she’ll share more information with less filtering. And even then, talking about that time brings on the same sensation Nigel had when exposed to something too scary and --more importantly-- weird to fit with how he normally saw the world.

I think it’s Crowley. Specifically, Crowley letting his human face slip a bit. With Nigel it was intentional, with the nuns, possibly because Crowley was more distressed than he normally was so was less in control of himself? He wasn’t transforming into things that go bump in the night, sure, but between being so upset about the Apocalypse happening and these being his people so he didn’t have to fight so hard to hide his essence, I wonder if he didn’t let a certain something just ... slip through? Something the human mind just isn’t equipped to deal with?

It calls to mind another scene where we talked about memory and the benefit of failing to leave an impression, from much earlier:

"Is that him?" said Sister Mary, staring at the baby. "Only I'd expected funny eyes. Red, or green. Or teensy-weensy little hoofikins. Or a widdle tail." She turned him around as she spoke. No horns either. The Devil's child looked ominously normal.

"Yes, that's him," said Crowley.

"Fancy me holding the Antichrist," said Sister Mary. "And bathing the Antichrist. And counting his little toesy-wosies . . ."

She was now addressing the child directly, lost in some world of her own. Crowley waved a hand in front of her wimple. "Hallo? Hallo? Sister Mary?"

"Sorry, sir. He is a little sweetheart, though. Does he look like his daddy? I bet he does. Does he look like his daddywaddykins . . ."

"No," said Crowley firmly. "And now I should get up to the delivery rooms, if I were you."

"Will he remember me when he grows up, do you think?" said Sister Mary wistfully, sidling slowly down the corridor.

"Pray that he doesn't," said Crowley, and fled.

I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but maybe it’s not Crowley, or just Crowley, that makes her memories of this event feel scabbed-over. “Lost in some world of her own” could just be getting a little absorbed in the new baby (lots of women particularly are conditioned to think we need to coo over infants, and I can’t imagine the type of women who become nuns-- satanic or otherwise-- are much different in that respect). But it doesn’t have to be just that, does it? Prolonged exposure to the supernatural, even the also-human antichrist in his veiled form, seems like the kind of thing that’s too weird for the human psyche to easily come to terms with.

It’s interesting, because that sort of inability to be noticed is really biting Crowley in the backside now.

"Of course, we might be able to get a human to find him," said Aziraphale thoughtfully. "What?" said Crowley, distractedly.

"Humans are good at finding other humans. They've been doing it for thousands of years. And the child is human. As well as . . . you know. He would be hidden from us, but other humans might be able to . . . oh, sense him, perhaps. Or spot things we wouldn't think of."

"It wouldn't work. He's the Antichrist! He's got this . . . sort of automatic defense, hasn't he? Even if he doesn't know it. It won't even let people suspect him. Not yet. Not till it's ready. Suspicion will slide off him like, like . . . whatever it is water slides off of," he finished lamely.

"Got any better ideas? Got one single better idea?" said Aziraphale.

"No."

I’m not saying this has to be the same sort of inability-to-be-perceived that affected Mary and Nigel above. It could be a sort of built-in defense mechanism specially for the antichrist. But it seems on theme at the very least. There seems something deeply sad to me, and probably very relevant to the queer experience of the ‘80s and ‘90s, around the time this book was written and published, to there being something about your true nature that’s just not allowed to be seen and remembered.

Now I’ve made myself a bit sad, and if you’ve read this long you deserve to end on a treat. Luckily, our favorite authors have us covered there as well.

"Ducks!" he shouted.

"What?"

"That's what water slides off!" Aziraphale took a deep breath.

"Just drive the car, please," he said wearily.

They drove back through the dawn, while the cassette player played J. S. Bach's Mass in B Minor, vocals by F. Mercury.

#good omens #book omens #marta rereads good omens #queer representation #of a sort

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