#could also be a cultural thing in which case they did a great job weaving it into the way the story is told

[a-alhazred]

Red-Pilled

I really liked Matrix 4. Rather than writing an essay (yet) I’m gonna post my thoughts on viewing #2 post-first-time-excitement where I actually start seeing things I don’t like.

Also basically every online critic who says the movie is too concerned with being self-aware hates it because the thing it’s self-aware about is modern-day commercialized nerd culture which they all think is great. Wil Wheaton is going to feel like this movie is a personal attack (but he can’t say it because he’ll get cancelled for trying to call out an LGBT writer/director.)

(I also don’t think the movie is quite as masochistic as some others who like it but it definitely is a little, at least.)

Spoilers, obviously.

-The direction Jonathan Groff's take on Smith goes; I say "the direction it goes" because it's very clearly a choice that was made by someone. When he first remembers everything in the office shootout, he's not quite as good at being Hugo Weaving as the dude who played Bane was, but that "Mr. Aaannnnderrrsoooon!" and "I've missed you" are amazing and you totally think "that is absolutely Smith." Then in his next scene, where he shows up with the exiles and Merv, this really weird thing happens where he starts off still doing that and then it just inexplicably stops once he and Neo are alone and start fighting. That parting line where he says "and so, our unexpected alliance ends" would've been so much more amazing if he was still doing a little Hugo Weaving with it. The fact that Smith in this movie was originally conceived as just Hugo Weaving again and then they had to apply the "yeah people's appearances can be totally changed without their own input now" handwave to him simply because Hugo Weaving was already booked when this film was shooting makes it even more strange. The whole thing is extremely bizarre.

-I wish we got into the past 60 years a little more. I want to see what happened to the Architect, because if I'm going to believe someone that cold and calculating was just purged, I want to see it. (I know part of his character is that he had serious sour grapes over never being as good at his job as he wanted to be, but he wasn't outright incompetent, either. Or at least, the word incompetent wouldn't be appropriate unless the Oracle had never worked to change anything and thus the cycle would've broken down way more catastrophically in the future.) I hope there are plans for another movie and that part of the plan is delve more into the intervening time. I would say it was also a huge misstep implying the Oracle of all people died off-screen, but I have feeling that if there's more, we're going to learn she's quite alive; I don't think Sati herself ever even mentions her, which if I'm right about, would be a huge hint in and of itself, since Sati pretty quickly establishes herself as being more than willing to withhold information if she thinks it's a good idea. I'd love to see the Oracle's take on the current state of the world; she did say she didn't think peace would last forever, I wonder if she thinks of herself as retired and would say to anyone who asks why she disappeared, "I did what I could, I can't pick up all the slack." It would be very interesting to re-explore the idea of "no one can see past the choices they can't understand" with the current state of things, in part because being better at understanding choices is clearly the skill the Analyst has that let him usurp the Architect.

I also definitely want to see what the Merovingian’s been through and how the purge ruined his business and made him homeless.

(Worth noting that one thing I absolutely love about this movie is that it makes explicit what I've been saying has been said subtly in the trilogy for the last 20 years instead of throwing it in the dumpster, that Man and Machine have a serious case of "not so different" going on, and the Oracle saying "I'm interested in the future, and believe me, the only way to get there is together," was a huge case of a line of dialog being way more important than it seems the first time. It's not the direction I'd have gone, I think it would've been more interesting without the Machine civil war by having the Matrix be the center of all unrest to emphasize that everyone needs it like MxO tried and then lost it's budget for, but the direction it actually goes is not at all bad. I love that the current state of the setting is "it's not perfect by any means, there are still terrible villains and bad things happen to good people, but the world is objectively a better place than it was during the cycle." The end of the trilogy showed that the Oracle succeeded, and it hasn't been undone.)

I also want more specifics on what happened to Zion. Is it actually a total, wiped out ruin, or are there still people there, hopelessly trapped in a failed state? (State in the political sense.)

-I was totally wrong about the Macguffin being the long-thought-lost kills witch for Dark Storm, but I'd have liked for someone to have actually mentioned Dark Storm, especially with Neo having his moment where he hasn't yet been shown how the world is indeed a better place than he left if even if it's not perfect. That would've been the perfect time for someone to mention, if not Neo himself, "and no one's even thought to attempt to clear the sky with the cycle broken?" because it’s seriously an important part of why the entirety of the setting is the way it is. I still think that should be a plot point eventually, and I think if this franchise ever either wants to close out for good or have a major shake-up, clearing the sky should be how it's done, because it's the perfect set up for change that doesn't remove the entire potential for conflict/storytelling in the setting, where Dark Storm is what has to happen for the world as a whole to heal, but it obviously won't be an instantaneous fix. Also, the entire reason that the kill switch would be a fine plot device to base an entire story around is precisely because the idea of clearing the sky has yet to have ever been broached at all; clearly even the Machines think it’s impossible. (If there’s even a kill switch to find it would also take a lot of steam out of that absurd “The Second Renaissance is Machine propaganda meant for humans” theory since it would make the old-world humans slightly less comically stupid. I mean, I’ve always been enough of a pessimist realist that it never seemed unrealistic to me at all, but a lot of people don’t agree.)

-The climax kind-of runs out of steam as a set piece. It's not really badly done, but the excitement runs out. It would've been more exciting if everyone who isn’t Neo and Trinity hadn't gotten to a vehicle and had to do a more traditional fight through the zombie horde. Like, it should've been a more extended and more Matrix-y version of the intro cinematic from Left 4 Dead.

-Would have liked to have seen more of the Mnemosyne's crew. Especially Berg, because I may, hypothetically, have had a small celebrity crush on Brian J. Smith since even before he did Sense8. Another one for the "hope it's in the next film" category. (Oh and Berg totally thinks Neo is hot, that line about the long hair and beard working for him is absolutely not just “wow Neo is so cool.” Brian Smith came out between doing Sense8 and this, Lana Wachowski totally wrote that in for him like, ‘enjoy being out and not giving a single fuck what anyone thinks my gay bro.’)

On a random note, I'm extremely glad everyone pronounces "Mnemosyne" incorrectly, because “NEM-uh-seen” sounds better and rolls off the tongue easier than “nuh-MAH-suh-nee.”

Oh I DID call the foreshadowing from the Mnemosyne's dedication plaque, that there would be serious betrayal from some or all of the crew, but I got the details wrong, I thought someone was going to betray Neo. Clearly it refers to Bugs disobeying orders and quite nearly getting drummed out for it. Or maybe someone on the crew will betray Neo in the next film, but until there is a next film...

#the Matrix #the matrix resurrections #matrix 4 #the matrix 1999

[mocacheezy]

Things that made watching Transformers (2007) easier and even enjoyable:

[note: B'verse gets the treatment that it gets by fandom for good reasons. There are tons of posts that dissect the bullshit of these movies far better than my second-language-english-non-american self could ever tackle, so I am not doing that, or plan on doing that. But if I decide that I'll get through every continuity of the franchise I will find a way to make it fun for myself. And so, this is my search for golden nuggets in these movies, because they did bring in new fans to the franchise and that's why we have other continuities that we might not have otherwise. Credit where it's due, and some positivity for those that did find B'verse at least amusing if nothing else. ]

🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪

Frenzy

Anytime Frenzy was on screen made me smile because his movements and personality were hilarious, he is just so expressive despite looking like someone super glued a bunch of knifes together. I wouldn't know it was Frenzy if I didn't go to the Wiki, but no matter that, he was funny and that's what matters.

The original Cybertronian robot modes

We don't see them for long, but the glimpses were glorious. Just look at Optimus

Gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to see the details up close. Maybe I'll go looking eventually, but this is just so nice.

We also get a "sexily rises from the pool" scene with Ironhide (probably unintentional and I am biased due to being a robofucker. In any case, very very nice and Cybertronians look so good as aliens)

"Excuse me, are you the Tooth Fairy?"

You see this kid?

This little girl was the only human I cared about in the movie until I saw just how badass Mikaela is, and how cool the military dude is. I don't like kids, but I would lay down my life for this girl.

This one scene just makes me think of what would happen if her parents showed up way earlier. Ironhide would be her guardian and it would be both adorable and hilarious because "Honey, you have to drive in a sentient alien that looks just like our car because the goverment men said so or there will be consequences and potential alien threats."

There are so many joke potentials there; the cultural barrier, the "I am the ine that is supposed to keep her safe" glaring contests, there is just so much shenanigans that could happen.

Also, tea party with the kid. Tea party with the kid.

Sam Witwicky actually reacts like an average human would when faced with the situations he finds himself in

Do I like Sam Witwicky? No, he is the kind of character that I would want to punch irl because of his personality and actions. He is disgusting. But watching him scamper and scream and stutter when faced with giant metal robot aliens that can squish him like a bug? Good, that was a beliavable reaction and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Megatron. Just, ✨Megatron✨

(the best screenshot of the few I could take while watching, no, I am not going back for a better one, he looks perfect like this)

I also laughted at how they kept him frozen like a popsicle. And not even well, like, they COULD'VE made an actual freezer and pop him in instead of using those couple of tubes just so he was displayed for all personell to gawk at. HE CRASHED IN THE ANTARCTIC!

The design looks so good, because it looks ALIEN and POINTY and AGH!!! The colors? There are no colors that would make him stand out, he looks like someone opened a cutlery drawer, mixed up what's inside, threw in some extra knifes for a good measure and then shook the whole thing until this guy materialized from the pile. It is both incredibly annoying and satisfying.

🔪

Mr. Welker did an amazing job with his voice, I don't know what the directions were, but oh man it sure sent shivers down my spine. That is the kind of voice that spells "You are going to die" and I already have my coffin picked out.

EDIT: SO APPARENTLY! IT WAS NOT WELKER THAT VOICED MEGATRON.

It was Hugo Weaving, and yes the man did am amazing job, but I apologize a million times, I was CERTAIN that THE OG VA OF MEGATRON WOULD ALSO HAVE VOICED MEGATRON. LIKE, OKAY BAY, OKAY!

🔪

LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF ICE! With how quick he came back fully online once Frenzy turned off the freeze liquid tubes, I bet he was half awake through the whole thing. Systems just below idling or something, in any case, AGENTS YOU ARE SO DUMB! WHO WAS GIVING SUBPAR FUNDING TO THEM, THEY BETTER BE FIRED!

I also was glad that Sam refused to call him by the name the sector asigned to him, despite Megatron being in stasis. And that he insisted they use the correct name. Good job Sam, acknowledge the threat by the actual name and show respect to a fellow sentient lifeform. Even though said lifeform is hellbent on destruction of the universe and your world.

ALSO, AND I CANNOT STRESS THE LAUGHTER AND AMUSEMENT HERE; the sheer DISRESPECT! They don't disassemble Megatron's corpse. No, these idiots, these absolute morons decide to dump him into the ocean, letting him sink to the lowest possible point (not sure if they did say it was the M' Trench or not), where there are proper freezing temperatures - good! You're learning, good job!! - just... In full. Full corpse. What's left of him. Just blup! Down with the fishies he goes!

I understand that they probably didn't know how to approach Optimus about it, but... At least behead the guy. He came back ONCE, who is to say he won't come back again?! Safety precautions my dears.

They also completely disregard what a giant extraterrestrial metal alien rusting away on the bottom of the ocean could do to the ecosystem at large. Like, I find this incredibly amusing, because this ISN'T something most folks think about when watching a movie but we have giant squids down there. We have so much weird things down there, the ocean isn't even fully explored AND YOU WANT TO CHUCK AN ALIEN CORPSE DOWN THERE?!

Now the real question: is he a looker? *looks at the pictures* hmmmm, depends on if you like knifes. Like, really like knifes. Like really, really REALLY want to get it on with a fine assembly of kitchen knifes that were exposed to the elements but somehow haven't rusted away completely.

I think he's neat.

Needs a good long powerwash though. Preferrably with something to help the whole "I was frozen for more than 50 years and sprang back to action as soon as I woke up" thing that happened.

My man needs to take a moment and get his bearings, like dude. Please. You can conquer the world after some energon and slow system boot-up period. The strain on the systems my dude, you ain't young.

Also love that this "death" was probably reused in TFP because lord golly, do we love our faves ending up under the sea. (Though Megan took a much bigger fall, Bayverse WAS PLOPPED INTO THE WATER LIKE A NEWLY ACQUIRED FISH I CAN'T YOU GUYS I CAN'T!)

In short: I love the comedy of american military giving such disrespect to an Alien Warlord. These guys are really sealing their fate.

I loved the way they got the Witwicky family to be important to the plot

The whole "selling my great great grandpa's glasses on e-bay" thing gives us a very good self insert/OC/rewrite/movie AU potential. Don't like Sam and his disgustingness? Find a way to write a cousin or some far off relative or hell, even just someone who buys the glasses off e-bay and go wild with it!

Archibald was also clearly an inspiration for Isaac Sumdac as far as I can tell, what with both of them using Megatron as a means of helping technology advance.

Only difference being one of them lived and actually talked to Megatron after he came back online and the other got driven to madness and death due to the amount of information beamed into his brain. Isaac also acquired a space baby daughter, so the guy is absolutely luckier of the two.

Mikaela being fucking competent and badass throughout the movie, and not being just fanservice eyecandy

I could do without the fanservice, but her personality? I loved it. I loved that she wasn't crawling to Sam and wasn't being "hard to get". Which is also why I was very displeased at the very sudden "oh yeah, romance! She returns his feelings after he took her for a ride and let her vent her frustrations!". The movie is 2 hours long and they could throw in some moments where these two connect?

Welp, it is an action movie, boy gets girl no matter what, can't complain about the staple in the genre.

However, Mikaela x Optimus? Now THAT is something I considered as soon as the two locked eyes and interacted. Like, even taking my shipping goggles off, these two could have a very interesting dynamic and Mikaela could be a very good protagonist. I wonder what the movie would be like with her as the lead and Sam being the fucking moron she has to drag along with her.

BUT ALSO! Can we talk about the horrible, excruciating fact that her and Bumblebee drove around with Bee's damaged legs dragging over asphalt all the time he was shooting at 'Cons? There were sparks flying! SHE WAS DRIVING BACKWARDS! She took command of the situation and did what she could because Bee still wanted TO FIGHT!

Also, they way she beat up Frenzy? Gorgeous, I want to slap Sam's non-existent balls off for not atleast saying "thanks". The dude would be sliced thinner than cabbage if she wasn't there.

The millitary man we are supposed to care about because his wife gave birth while he was on duty and we see his baby three times in the whole movie, actually being a pretty awesome and well-written character

Look, personally, I was a little confused at the reason why we were seeing his wife and baby interacting/the scene where she thinks her husband is dead. Mostly because I don't like kids, so scenes like that, when I don't even know who the character is, have no impact at all. Him having a baby isn't going to make me like the guy more, unless I know his character. Him being absent because he's on duty doesn't mean he'll be a good dad (though he looks like the kind of man that will try his best, and I like that in a man). So seeing his wife and kid at the start of the movie seemed pointless to me.

BUT! FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES HERE!

Lennox is a good character and whenever he was on screen I was invested in what is going to happen to him. He's the kind of action movie lead that would have me invested, despite my meh interest in mainly gun fight oriented action movies.

Essentially, loved the guy, would love to see more of him while also being able to tell what's happening on screen. Also the comedy scenes he was in were usually funny.

~

Okay so these are the things I like about the first movie! It was very long, had to watch it on 2,5x speed because it simultainously dragged while ALSO giving me too much information, but the moments like these and the way my imagination latched onto characters I liked made it watchable. It isn't a movie I'd use to introduce someone to the TF franchise, but it provided me with lots of material for my imagination to run wild.

#moca watches #transformers #transformers bayverse #moca screeches #Yes the cutlery divider is due to the Decepticons looking like they do. It amuses me greatly.

[shesey]

Excerpts from Rachel Cusk’s “Kudos”

“A degree of self-deception, she said, was an essential part of the talent for living.” “What is history other than memory without pain?” “...for the world seemed full of people living evilly without reprisal and living virtuously without reward, the temptation to abandon personal morality might arise in exactly the moment when personal morality is most significant.” “I have met people who have freed themselves from their family relationships. Yet there often seems to be a kind of emptiness in that freedom, as though in order to dispense with their relatives they have had to dispense with a part of themselves.” “You asked me earlier... whether I believed that justice was merely a personal illusion. I don’t have the answer to that... but I know that it is to be feared, feared in every part of you, even as it fells your enemies and crowns you the winner.” “We invent these systems with the aim of ensuring fairness, she said, and yet the human situation is so complex that it always evades our attempts to encompass it.” “They forgive so easily, it is almost as if nothing matters.” “And I wonder, she said, whether we haven’t done them a great disservice in sparing them this pain, which might somehow have brought them to life, at the same time as knowing that this couldn’t possible by true, and that it is only my own belief in the value of suffering that makes me think it. I am one of those who believes that without suffering there can be no art.” “It may be the case, she said, that it is only when it is too late to escape that we see we were free all along.” “Why should I trust your view of the world if you can’t even take care of yourself? If you were a pilot, I wouldn’t get on board - I wouldn’t trust you to take me the distance.” “You earn just enough to get by but at the end of the day there’s nothing left mentally, and so you cling to the job even harder.” “That tribe was one to which nearly all the men in this country belonged and it defined itself through a fear of women combined with an utter dependence on them.” “We live with an almost superstitious belief in our own differences, she said, and Luis has shown that those differences are not the result of some divine mystery but are merely the consequence of our lack of empathy, which if we had it would enable us to see that in face we are all the same. It is for his empathy, she said, that Luis has received such acclaim, and so I believe he should congratulate himself, rather than feeling ashamed for being praised.” “... and it is impossible not to feel that we have broken him, not out of malice but out of our own carelessness and selfishness.” “Behind every man is his mother who has made so much fuss of him he will never recover from it and will never understand why the rest of the world doesn’t make the same fuss of him, particularly the woman who has replaced his mother and who he can neither trust nor forgive for replacing her.” “... because it reminds them of the possibility that it is patience and endurance and loyalty - rather than ambition and desire - that bring the ultimate rewards.” “In this country, for a woman to survive the numerous attempts to crush her, he said, she has to live like a hero, always getting up again and always, ultimately, alone.” “I replied that this was something all of us had felt in our turn, as we passed into adulthood and recognized the role of outside events in shaping history and their capacity to interfere in and change our lives, which until now had remained in the hermetic state of childhood.” “Great art was very often brought to the service of this self-immolation, as great intelligence and sensitivity often characterized those who found the world an impossible place to live in.” “Could a spiritual value be attached to the mirror itself, so that by passing dispassionately though evil it proved its own virtue, its own incorruptibility?” “And that was without mentioning the moral duty of the critic to correct the tendency of culture likewise to err towards safety and mediocrity, a responsibility you couldn’t measure in dinner invitations.” “What he couldn’t tolerate above else, he went on, was the triumph of the second-rate, the dishonest, the ignorant: the fact that this triumph occurred with monotonous regularity was one of life’s mysteries.” “Yet if one looked at the work of Louise Bourgeois, one saw that it concerned the private history of the female body, its suppression and exploitation and transmogrifications, its terrible malleability as a form and its capacity to create other forms.” “It is hard to think, she said, of a better example of female invisibility than these drawings, in which the artist herself has disappeared and exists only as the benign monster of her child’s perception.” “Plenty of female practitioners of the arts, she said, have more or less ignored their femininity, and it might be argued that these women have found recognition easier to come by, perhaps because they draw a veil over subjects that male intellectuals find distasteful.” “It is understandable, she said, that a woman of talent might resent being fated to the feminine subject and might seek freedom by engaging with the world on other terms.” “I remember, she continued, as a young girl, the realization dawning on me that certain things had been decided for me before I had even begun to live, and that I had already been dealt the losing hand while my brother had been given the winning cards. It would be a mistake, I saw, to treat this injustice as thought it were normal, as all my friends seemed prepared to do.” “These boys, she said, had the most ridiculous attitudes towards women, which they were busy learning from the examples their parents had given them, and I saw the way that my female friends defended themselves against those attitudes, by making themselves as perfect and as inoffensive as they could. Yet the ones who didn’t defend themselves were just as bad, because by refusing to conform to these standards of perfection they were in a sense disqualifying themselves and distancing themselves from the whole subject. But i quickly came to see, she said, that in fact there was nothing worse to be an average white male of average talents and intelligence: even the most oppressed housewife, she said, is closer to the drama and poetry of life than he is, because as Louise Bourgeois shows us she is capable at least of holding more than one perspective. And it was true, she said, that a number of girls were achieving academic success and cultivating professional ambitions, to the extent that people had begun to feel sorry for these average boys and to worry that their feelings were being hurt. Yet if you looked only a little way ahead, she said, you could see that the girls’ ambitions led nowhere, like the roads you often find yourself on in this country, that start off new and wide and smooth and then simply stop in the middle of nowhere, because the government ran out of money to finish building them.” “I also enjoyed the attentions of men, she said, while making sure never to commit myself to any one man or to ask for commitment in return, because I understood that this was a trap and that I could still enjoy all the benefits of a relationship without falling into it.” “It did not seem like enough, she said, simply to pass the baton to the next runner, in hope that she would win the race for me.” “I have a male counterpart on the show, she said, and he is not required to look attractive, but I am not in the slightest bit interested in that example of inequality. What I am interested in is power, she said, and the power of beauty is a useful weapon that too often women disparage or misuse.” “For a while, at university, I sat as a life model for the art students, she said, partly to make money and partly to get this subject of the female body out into the open, because it almost seemed to me that even by clothing myself I was inviting the mystery to take root there under my clothes, and to weave the web of subjection in which later I might become trapped.” “In my own case, she said, I have fought to occupy a position where I can perhaps right some of these wrongs and can adjust the terms of the debate to an extent by promoting the work of women I find interesting.” “I said I wasn’t sure it mattered where people lived or how, since their individual nature would create its own circumstances: it was a risky kind of presumptions, I said, to rewrite your own fate by changing its setting; when it happened to people against their will, the loss of the known world - whatever its features - was catastrophic.” “... That family was big and noisy and easy-going, and there was always room for him at the table, where huge comforting meals were served and where everything was discussed by nothing examined, so that there was no danger of passing through the mirror, as he had put it, into the state of painful self-awareness where human fictions lose their credibility.” “The truth was that he no longer wanted to go there, beacuse the same things that a year or two earlier he had found warm and consoling he know found oppressive and annoying: those mealtimes were a yoke, he now saw, by which the parents sought to bind their children to them and to perpetuate, as he saw it, the family myth...” “He recognized that in taking their comfort he had created a responsibility towards them; and this realization, I said, had caused him to consider the true nature of freedom. He understood that he had given some of his freedom away, through a desire to avoid or alleviate his own suffering, and while it didn’t seem exactly an unfair exchange, I believed he wouldn’t do it again quite so easily.” “There was a word in his language, I said, that was hard to translate but that could be summed up as a feeling of homesickness even when you are at home, in other words as a sorrow that has no cause. This feeling was perhaps what had once driven his people to roam the world, seeking the home that would cure them of it. It may be the case that to find home is to end one’s quest, I said, but it is with the feeling of displacement itself that the true intimacy develops and that constitutes, as it were, the story. Whatever kind of affliction it is, I said, its nature is that of the compass, and the owner of such a compass puts all his faith in it and goes where it tells him to go, despite appearances telling him the opposite.” “But you, he said to me, don’t belong anywhere, and so you are free to go wherever you choose.” “... these experiences do not fully belong to reality and the evidence for them is a matter of one person’s word against another’s.” “Our bodies outlive their use of them, and that is what annoys them most of all. These bodies continue to exist, getting older and uglier and telling them the truth they don’t want to hear.” “I feel so lonely, he said, and yet I have no privacy.” “You can’t tell your story to everybody, I said. Maybe you can only tell it to one person.”

#rachel cusk #kudos #feminism

[talkfastromance4]

More-- Chapter Two (c.h.)

Summary: Single dad Calum doesn’t want to leave his son, Kai, while he goes on tour. A nanny accompanies them and Kai isn’t the only one who falls in love with her. 

Chapter One

Masterlist

Holly arrives at Calum’s house at around 3:30 a.m so she can help him with Kai before going to the airport. The plan was to leave at 3:45 and arrive at the airport at 4:00 so they can go through baggage and security and make sure all of Kai’s belongings were accounted for.

It was a hassle but Calum was thankful for Holly as soon as she walked through the door. His dark chocolate eyes were alert but his hair looked like he’d run his fingers through them about a hundred times.

“Rough morning already?” she asks setting her canvas bag near the door.

“You have no—“he does a double take from his phone to Holly and what she was wearing. She had on black leggings with a white t-shirt and an oversized gray knit cardigan, her hair was tamed beneath a black hat. She looked really pretty and Calum suddenly realized he had dried spit up on his black t-shirt. “You have no idea,” he grunts.

“What can I help with?” she steps closer to him weaving through all the luggage.

“I can’t find Kai’s diaper bag and I’ve been texting everyone if I left it at their house so I haven’t even begun loading the bags in the SUV.”

“Okay, well, Kai’s diaper bag is in his room by his crib. I put it there last night filled with everything he’ll need. I thought I told you last night, I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re right,” he groans, “You did tell me. I’ve just been going crazy with this whole thing.”

“Don’t worry, I’m here to help,” she smiles. “I’ll help you load the car so it’ll get done faster and then I’ll get Kai all set in his carrier. Come on.” She takes his phone from his hand placing it on the counter, her fingers brush his skin.

“You’re a lifesaver, Holly,” he breathes.

Once the luggage is all loaded up, the hard part now is to get Kai ready. Calum brings his carrier into his room and gently lifts him from his crib, his blanket clutched between his fingers. Kai squirms a little but stays asleep as Calum settles him into the carrier. He straps him in and tucks his blanket all around him. He stands up and glances around the room while Holly shoulders the diaper bag.

“We’ve got everything,” she assures touching his shoulder. “Let’s go, we’re right on time.”

**************

Kai slept through the car ride and up until they were just about to board. He was getting extremely fussy and Calum tried to calm him down but he was also stressed because it was tour day.

“Here, let me, you’re both stressed and you’re just becoming a big stressed circle,” Holly says taking Kai from his dad.

Calum sighs handing him over and Holly rubs his back. After a few moments Kai calms down and cuddles into Holly’s chest.

“Morning all,” Ashton greets them followed by Luke and Michael, Crystal and Sierra were in tow.

“Hi Holly!” Crystal greets happily.

“Hey guys,” Holly smiles still rocking Kai. He turns his head at the newcomers, he sighs from crying but plays with a strand of Holly’s hair.

“How do you know each other?” Michael asks suspiciously.

“She’s in our barre class with us,” Sierra responds smoothly and smiles at Holly. “I’m glad you got this job, it’s going to be fun to see you when we come and visit.”

“It will be fun,” Holly agrees continuing to rub Kai’s back.

Michael and Luke exchanged looks with each other but no one else took notice. Ashton was speaking with the tour manager and Calum was making sure Kai was all good. Sierra and Crystal couldn’t hold their grins at the cute little picture of Holly, Calum and Kai.

“All right, it’s time to go,” Ashton says.

They all say goodbyes and Crystal and Sierra give extra kisses to Kai before the whole group heads to the gate. They smiled excitedly when Calum put his hand on Holly’s lower back. Their plan was set in motion.

 *********

Throughout the flight, Kai slept either in Holly’s arms or Calum’s, he was so distressed from the plane that he kept falling asleep. Which was good but also bad because that means he will probably be up all night when they arrive in Japan.

Since Holly would be with Kai twenty-four-seven, she and Calum decided they would stay in the same hotel room, with two beds respectively. It would all work out because Calum would be coming back to the room super late from a show so he would never see Holly undress, even though he wouldn’t mind sneaking a peek.

The first few days was brutal. Kai was aggravated and wouldn’t eat or sleep that well and Calum was in wonder at how Holly didn’t even look fazed by it. Calum on the other hand, was feeling the pain his son was going through, he hated seeing Kai like this. But Holly just kept trying and trying, not once did she seem like she was stressed.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Kai was silent and sleeping against Holly’s chest wrapped snugly in his blanket. His plump lips were pursed and she was petting his dark curls when Calum came over.

“How do you do that?” he asks quietly.

“What?”

“You don’t seem anxious at all with him when he gets like this. I try not to be but I hate when he’s upset and it only makes me upset,” Calum shakes his head, “How do you do it?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs kissing the top of his head. “I just know what to do with him, I’ve gotten attached to him I guess.”

“I’m glad. Honestly, Holly I’m so thankful that you’re here with us,” he squeezes her knee gratuitously.

“You’re welcome,” she smiles. “I love being here. Are you nervous about the first show tomorrow night?”

“Not really, I’m more excited than anything. We’re so proud of this album I can’t wait to play the songs.”

“I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

“I wish you could be there.”

Holly notices his hand hasn’t left her knee, she also notices that she doesn’t mind that it’s still there. “Me too, but while you’re working, I’m working too,” she smiles indicating the little boy in her arms.

“Right,” he grins. “Maybe you could come at the sound check?”

“That’d be cool,” she nods. “I’m going to go try and put him in his crib, I think he’s completely knocked out.”

Calum finally lets his hand off her leg as she stands up slowly gauging Kai’s reaction but he’s still sound asleep. He nuzzles closer to Holly’s neck as she moves him to the crib by the window settling him into it. His face scrunches but Holly hushes him by stroking his cheek and he relaxes back into his deep sleep.

“Well, I’m beat,” she whispers stretching her arms and turning her neck from side to side. “Goodnight.”

“G’night, Holly,” he says and she moves behind the separation wall where her bed is.

********

Holly loved Japan, the culture, the people, the whole experience was just that, an experience. She was also glad that the fans were very respectful of the guys when they were out, especially if Kai was present. Holly felt completely safe while she had Kai in his stroller and stood to the side while Calum talked with the fans.

Holly and Calum became very close, they spent a lot of time together and found out things they both haven’t told anyone else before. They were out for dinner on their last night there, Kai sitting in a high chair playing with chopsticks while the grown-ups talked.

“So, tell me,” Calum says taking a bite of his sushi. “How in the world are you single?”

Holly nearly choked on her soda. “What?” she coughs with a laugh.

“How are you single?” he shrugs. “You’re a great catch, independent, beautiful, funny, smart; you’re the whole package.”

“Well, I’m not sure how to answer that. I’ve had boyfriends in the past but they’ve all left me for someone else,” she shrugs.

“You’re kidding,” he deadpans, eyes wide.

“Nope. And they all ended up staying with that other girl way longer than with me. I’m just a pit stop to other’s happiness I guess.”

“That’s terrible, I’m sorry.”

“It is what it is,” she casts her eyes down to her shrimp and chicken. Kai drops his chopstick on the ground and whines at the loss trying to reach for it. Holly picks it up and hands it back to him, he continues smacking the table like drums.

“So you haven’t dated anyone recently, then?” Calum asks.

“Not really. I’m busy with work, and barre classes. I’ve done a lot of focusing on myself and now it’d be hard to date someone when I’m traveling all over the world taking care of this cutie pie,” she smiles to Kai rubbing his cheek affectionately.

“That’s true.”

“Have you been on dates since Jane . . . did what she did?” Holly asks cautiously.

“No,” he scoffs. “I’ve been hurt one too many times I pretty much gave up on love until. . .”

“Until?” she prompts.

Calum shifts his gaze to hers slowly, her blue eyes are wide and hopeful, and he almost wants to tell her he’s starting to get feelings for her. Almost.

“Until Kai,” he sighs looking at his son. “I love him more than anything in the world.”

“I can tell, and he loves you too,” she smiles.

“He loves you too, he’s never connected with another woman besides my sister and mom before.”

“I feel honored,” she smiles at Kai and makes noises with her mouth before kissing his nose and he giggles.

********

There have been rumors floating around that Holly is actually Kai’s mother, no one besides the band and crew members know her name, and since she’s always with Calum and/or holding Kai people have just assumed. Holly had deleted her social media apps before leaving on tour with the band in case something just like this were to happen.

Calum couldn’t ignore it though. He didn’t want people, especially his fans, to think Holly was the one who walked out on Kai. Holly was absolutely nothing like Jane and he didn’t want her taking the bad rep.

“Hey, Cal, what’s going on?” Mikey asks while they’re onstage doing a sound check for the concert later tonight.

“Hm?” he asks completely distracted by his phone where he keeps reading what the tabloids are saying about Holly.

“What are you—why are you reading that shit?” Mike asks looking over his shoulder. “Don’t feed into that, you know what the real deal is.”

“I know but I don’t want Holly to be seen as a bad person because she isn’t. She’s nothing like Jane.”

“Of course she’s not, she’s better than Jane. Kai and you are lucky to have her as your nanny.”

“Yeah, nanny,” Calum sighs pocketing his phone and Mikey gives him a look.

“Calum, are you catching feelings for Holly?” Mikey asks and Calum makes it a point to tune his bass. “Calum!”

“I don’t mean to! I didn’t plan on this happening. She’s just . . . she’s so good, Mike. She’s sweet and kind, she gets along great with Kai and loves him so much. She’s funny and beautiful and I feel so comfortable around her. But I’m not going to do anything because she is my nanny and if things don’t work out then what the hell would I do? Fire her? Then Kai would have to go back to my mom’s and it’s just a shit show going on in my head right now.”

“Woah, hey, breathe. Take a breath, I’m sorry I didn’t think you were thinking about all of that. I thought you were just attracted to her,” Mikey pats his best friend on the back.

“I mean, I am attracted to her. Jesus, she’s fucking beautiful but I can’t do anything about it and it’s driving me nuts.” Calum runs his hands through his hair in exasperation.

“I think you should go for it.”

“What?”

“Go for it. I haven’t seen you like this with anyone since Jane, and I know part of it is because you’ve been busy with Kai, but even with Jane you didn’t act the way you do now. You’re different with her and Kai is different because of her. Just, I don’t know, ask her on a date and see what happens. We can watch Kai for you.”

“You really think I should?”

“I do,” Mikey nods his head solemnly.

“All right, I’ll think about it,” Calum mutters. “I’ll try not to be distracted anymore. Let’s get through sound check so we can meet Holly and Kai for dinner.”

********

When sound check was over Calum and the others went to the restaurant White Fences where Holly was supposed to meet them with Kai for dinner before the show. When they arrived Holly was nowhere in sight and Calum felt a prickle of worry creep up on his neck. He immediately pulls out his phone calling her. She picks up on the first ring.

“Hi, I’m so sorry I’m not there. Kai’s had a bit of a fever since his nap and I’ve been trying to bring it down but he feels hotter now. I just finished calling for a doctor to come by and was going to call—“

“I’m on my way. Are you still in the room?” He asks brusquely motioning to one of their security.

“Yes, I’m—“

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He hangs up and heads out the door without even a backwards glance to the guys. He’ll send them a text in the car, right now he had to get to Kai.

Calum practically jogs to his and Holly’s shared hotel suite and fumbles with the key card in the door before forcing it open. Holly was standing by the crib when she looked up at Calum, her mouth open in a soundless gasp. His entrance startled her and Kai began to whimper in the crib.

“Where’s the doctor?” he asks rushing to the other side of the crib looking down at his son. Kai’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes were tired. There was a damp cloth on his forehead and Holly put him in a short sleeved onesie. When Kai saw his dad he reached his little arms up for him.

“He’s on his way, he should be here soon,” she watches him pick Kai up and hold him to his chest.

“Why didn’t you call me sooner? Why didn’t you let me know he woke up with a fever?”

“I didn’t know it was a fever, sometimes babies get hot when they sleep. But then he wouldn’t eat and he was so sleepy so I took his temperature.”

“Why didn’t you call me then?” Calum’s voice rises and Kai lets out a small cry.

Holly straightens her back at his tone. “Because you were doing sound check and I was told not to disturb you during that.”

“If it’s about my son having a fever then you can disturb as much as you want. If I didn’t call you would you even have called me?”

“Of course! I was going to call you as soon as I was off the phone with the doctor but you called as soon as I hung up with him,” Holly defends herself.

“You still should have called me right away,” he says icily and rubs Kai’s back.

“Calum, I—“

There was a loud knock at the door and Calum walked stiffly past her to open it. Holly watches him greet Dr. Nichols and stands to the side as Calum sets Kai on Holly’s bed so the doctor can examine him. First he takes his vitals and then his temperature.

“Well, it’s just shy of 101° but I don’t think it’s an ear infection or anything else that would become serious. His body is just fighting off some virus; this is the first time he’s travelling?” Dr. Nichols asks Calum and Holly.

“Yes,” Calum answers.

“His immune system is working very hard, that’s all. I assume you already gave him a lukewarm bath and tried a wash cloth?” Dr. Nichols asks Calum who stands there with his mouth open.

“Yes, I did that as soon as I saw he had a fever. I tried having him drink a full sippy cup of water but he’s not feeling himself so he barely drank anything,” Holly says.

“Good, keep doing all of that. If it’s still the same, use this children’s liquid Tylenol,” Dr. Nichols pulls out a bottle of it from his bag. “I always have some on me for instances such as this. Use the recommended dose and if it doesn’t go down or his fever increases, give me a call immediately.”

“Thank you, we will,” Holly says taking the bottle from him and examining the dosage chart.

“It should go away on its own, but like I said, call me if it worsens.”

“Thank you Dr. Nichols,” Calum shakes his hand. “Let me walk you out.”

Kai rolls over on the bed and crawls to Holly, he stands up holding his arms out for her to pick him up which she does. She gives him three kisses on the top of his head before reading the label of the medicine. He rests his head on her shoulder with a big sigh.

“I know baby, you don’t feel good,” Holly glances up to see Calum still talking with Dr. Nichols. “I’m gonna make you feel better, okay?” she kisses his head again and sits down on the couch.

“How’s he doing?” Calum asks quietly standing next to her.

“The same, he’s tired and miserable,” she says stoically.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he sits on the coffee table in front of her, his hands are folded in front of him. “I shouldn’t have. This is just the first time he’s been sick with a fever and I—I freaked out. It’s scary.”

“I understand that, Calum,” she sighs, “but you hired me to do a good job of taking care of your son and that’s what I was doing. I’m qualified for this job, and to have you doubt my abilities . . .” she shakes her head not knowing how to finish her sentence. It made her stomach clench when Calum snapped at her.

“And you’re doing an amazing job, Holly. Truly. I’m sorry I snapped, you didn’t deserve that. You handled everything way better than I would have.”

“Believe me, I was freaking out,” she sighs setting the medicine next to her.

“Should we give him the medicine?”

“Not yet, I want to try bringing it down by giving him another bath first,” she stands up from the couch and Calum takes Kai from her arms. He follows her into the bathroom and she kneels by the tub. “Undress him.”

Calum places Kai on the floor unsnapping his onesie and pulling it off him while Holly lets the bathwater fill the tub a little bit. She turns her body holding out her arms and Kai gladly goes into them so she can set him in the water.

“There, I bet that feels good, huh?” she asks grabbing a washcloth and wiping it down his chest and the back of his neck.

“How do you know what to do?”

“I went to school for this, mother’s intuition,” she shrugs then freezes at her words. Her eyes are wide as she looks to Calum. “That’s just an expression, I don’t—“

“It’s okay, you’re more his mother than Jane ever was, or will be. I’m glad he has you as a mother figure in his life,” his brown eyes stare into hers with such tenderness she almost forgot to breathe. “There’s no one better.”

She can’t stop staring into his eyes, being this close she notices the small freckles he has scattered across his face. Like stars just kissed his skin and left remnants there. She’s studying every bit of his face when Kai splashes the water and it goes onto her chest, pulling her out of her trance.

Calum peels his eyes from Holly as well to look at his son who continues to splash. Her eyes were even more beautiful up close and she smelled like apples and a clean blanket.

After the bath, Holly changed Kai into a clean diaper and a loose onesie.

“I’ve got it from here, you shouldn’t be late to your own concert,” she says when his phone rings for the tenth time since they exited the bathroom.

“I don’t want to leave you, what if his fever goes up?” His dark eyebrows furrow in worry.

Holly’s heart leapt when he said I don’t want to leave you but she didn’t let it show. “If it does, I will call Trey and he’ll yank you off the stage. Look at him, he already seems more like himself. I’ll take good care of him, Calum,” she vows lifting the smiling baby in her arms. He’s holding his head up now and waves his little fingers to Calum.

“I know you will,” Calum takes Kai’s fingers in his large ones and kisses them. He sighs. “Okay. I’ll be here in a flash if you need me.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Holly smiles.

“Bye buddy, I’ll see you later, I love you,” he kisses Kai’s forehead and he’s standing very close to Holly.

Holly looks up at him, noticing his adam’s apple bob as he swallows and looks down at her. Their faces are precariously close and she can feel his breath blow on her face.

“Have a good show,” she clears her throat.

“Thanks,” he breathes. He takes her hand gently and gives it a quick squeeze before heading to the door. “I’ll see you later.”

Holly’s breathing is erratic when the door shuts. Holy shit what the hell just happened? First the instance in the bathroom were she was in a trance from his eyes and now he was really close to her and she had the urge to kiss him.

“Taa!” Kai exclaims pulling her from her thoughts.

“You’re right, Kai. I can’t be falling for your Dad because I’m just the nanny,” she sighs and sets him on the middle of her bed so they can watch a movie.

#calum hood #calum 5sos #calum hood 5sos #calum hood imagines #calum hood writings #calum hood smut #5sos #ashton irwin #ashton irwin imagines #ashton irwin 5s0s #ashton 5sos #luke hemmings #luke 5sos #luke hemmings 5sos #luke hemmings imagines #luke hemmings smut #michael clifford #michael clifford 5sos #michael 5sos #michael imagines

[hellobengski]

THAILAND: POST COLLEGE ADVENTURE 2017

The last time I felt clouds in my presence was in the year 2012, month of December, in which the airplane landed to Hong Kong. The dilemma of life and death in an open space was merely forgotten, where everything you could see was tranquility. I never wanted to stop looking at cottony clouds. They made me feel safe. It was 5 years later when I felt it again.  I remember how it feels to fly without wings, appreciating the beauty of nature beyond what I imagine.

           Thailand was the next stop on my travel bucket list all over Southeast Asia. It was a place that had similar atmosphere with my very own country. EDSA was the first thing that came into my mind when I walked outside the airport. I heard various honking of buses and cars, but in a more disciplined way, I guess. But more than that, I had a view of a new horizon of tradition and culture.

My mom, sister, and aunt had to travel 2 hours away from the airport so we could check in to the hotel where my sister booked through the online. I was assuming somehow it could be near a quiet place, or maybe a road of consecutive coffee shops, but I failed. It was entirely different than what I anticipated. Khao San Road was a place where small bars and party houses were all located. Abstract shirts, different items with elephant designs were displayed along the narrow road of which tourists could experience a good bargain with merchants. I have seen discrete races all over the world who stayed for quite some time in their respective hotels. I could turn my head 360 and whichever direction I bumped into, I could always see unfamiliar but lovely faces.

We met Ms. Nancy, our tour guide for the 1st day. She had a medium short hair, showed a very long glittery eyelashes in her face, and a pale pink lipstick on her mouth. She had a pleasing personality, I could say, or maybe she needed to be because it was part of her job. She was shorter than me, maybe an inch, and was in her typical shirt and pants with Chuck Taylor shoes to stay comfy.

I only had 2 hours to prepare and fix my baggage before I travel with Ms. Nancy. I swiped the card through the doorknob, allowing me to embrace a very relaxing and convenient 1 single room with 2 large soft beds and pillows. I put my sister’s make-up kit in front of the mirror with a hairdryer beside it. My personal hygiene necessities were located just outside our bedroom, in the midpoint of two comfort rooms, so it would be easier to grab just in case we’re in a hurry to take a bath. My aunt placed some leftover biscuits all the way from Philippines next to the huge flat screen TV. My mom being my mom, tried to clean some of her stuff, but there was no enough time left. Angela, my sister, did some of her retouch on her face to make her feel fresh even when she already felt exhausted. We left the room and ate one of the most popular Thai food called, “Pad-Thai” along the road.

The value of respect of Thai people for their King was the very first thing I ever noticed. As I was riding in an outsized van, I spotted some black and white colored curtains hanged outside the gigantic temples of the individual kings who passed away, and for the royals who are still living. Ms. Nancy shared some of her ideas about Thai’s history, telling us that these long curtains represent grief and condolences for the King who died due to his old age. And this will last for a year, until they go back to the feeling of relief.

I went inside historical temples of different images of Buddha, taking pictures for a remembrance to my relatives when I get back home. I tried eating coconut ice cream for P50 baht, which savored my starving throat into something refreshing. Tuk Tuk, a classic Thai vehicle, impressed me with its three wheels, although Ms. Nancy recommended us not to ride on it. Even if I wanted to stay longer in a certain place, we only had limited time to grasp some of the stories that were in there.

Alarm clocks in our own phone woke up us too early. I didn’t have enough sleep. Maybe because of too much excitement, or maybe because of the extreme coldness inside our room. I woke up at 4 in the morning holding my phone, checking some news and updates in the Philippines. It was a never-ending extra judicial killings on my newsfeed, letting me feel the frustration and agitation for my government’s administration. And few days from now, ironically, I would be home in a place where I wouldn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to think about overthinking, so I tried to wake up my mom. I went directly to the bathroom, thinking about the plans and places Ms. Nancy listed for us the day before she left us in the hotel. Everyone else seemed to be freaking out when I finished taking a bath, considering the only time we had to eat for a buffet breakfast. I chose to wear an orange shirt and shorts with floral design, supposing it would match the places we would be visiting.

Just by the time the restaurant open its door, I hurriedly walked into the different kinds of food. I was truly overwhelmed seeing complete set of breakfast that made my stomach perfectly full.  Sausages on my left, croissants and toasted bread on my right, a problem of choosing between fried rice or pasta, and slices of watermelons and pineapples were put into my plate. I wasn’t even contented at all, I made my own coffee to match my croissants, even bother to get cucumber juice just in case coffee wouldn’t give me satisfaction. The question of time never crossed my mind when all these food were prepared in front of me. Although it was a must to rush, a Thai man, who works with Ms. Nancy in the same travel agency, fetched us. It was a group tour, consisted of two couples, one from America, and the other from Malaysia.

The tour started by introducing Mr. Thai’s name. I forgot, though. He considered making jokes out of telling stories, associated with historical Thai’s exotic food too. He is a 55-year old man, who has 3 kids. All I could remember was every time he gets to see me smiling, the memory of his daughter blissfully retains in his mind. He shared about how he got involved into a travel agency, which I think a lot of Thai people are working at. He was not as chatty as Ms. Nancy, nevertheless, he was entertaining. He showed us the famous Floating Market in Thailand, where tourists needed to ride on a boat to purchase some stuff. I have seen amazing paintings in all sizes, carved vases, coconut ice cream with nuts for its toppings, “lansones” which was sold by an 85-year old woman, weaved hats, and a lot more. The biggest Eureka moment was, all I thought Thailand has only one floating market. By the time we had to leave the place, Mr. I forgot-the-name actually revealed that in every town, has its own one. Well, not a thing was bought during the boating experience, all I know was my heart was fulfilled seeing people enjoying moments that could only last once in a life time.

The magical performance in theater happened at night after the tour in Floating Market. We entered a huge closed room with people wanting to witness such beauty in arts and entertainment.    Siam Niramit, is a state-of-the art theater yielding one of the largest stage productions in the world. It’s a captivating adventure through Thailand’s history and culture in high-flying fashion, with live elephants, acrobatics, pyrotechnics and stunts – all performed by a troupe made up of thousands  of performers adorned in great costumes. I would never forget my mom’s unexplainable reaction and experience throughout the entire show. She wanted to cry out of joy most of the time. It’s as if she didn’t want to go home in the hotel. I never saw rejection from her face, telling me that next time she comes back, it would be with my dad. We captured moments with several actors and actresses after, leaving us a souvenir with elephants, making this as her favorite art of the travel.

Off my bucket list was also riding an elephant. One of the many animals I have always wanted to experience, carabao was supposed to be the first. I think elephants were made to listen closely to everything, to everyone. They were made to be friends with people most especially when you treat them with care and respect. They love watermelons and coconuts. They like being splashed with water after taking us into a routine. They were also trained to take pictures with various poses of their trunks, and that’s how they get to be attractive for locals and foreigners.

The famous Thai massage will never be forgotten. So my brother’s friend who happens to work in Bangkok accompanied us after a very long day in market. This has got to be the most effective massage in my whole life. At first I thought it was brutal, since it was my first time the legit Thai massage. I was taking it easy for the first few minutes but later on, it kinda felt horrible. In a matter of seconds, the compress became weapon and I was literally cringing under the pressure. I actually found myself concentrating on regulating my breathing. The way they provide Thai massages are with entire body. They leverage their own body weight with certain movements in order to provide enough pressure to the body. I did fall asleep several times but still ended with a very soothing cup of tea.

Of course, our vacation wouldn’t be complete without the “party.” Prior to shopping in Chatuchak Market, my sister and I had been planning to socialize with people. We were really after drinks and fries, although it wasn’t our first time doing this, we wanted to make sure to at least meet good-looking guys from Europe. Our mom was subtle with her words but still she allowed us to explore. By the time we went down from our room, that’s when the party started. I thought we were courageous enough to do things beyond our control, but surprisingly, we were like high school students who just stayed in a corner of the street to observe how a street party works. There were people who literally danced as if it was their last day on earth, girls and guys French kissing each other while tossing their drinks, Asians and Americans twerking as if they’re showing off to every person they’d bump into. There was also robbery that happened in 7 Eleven Convenience store, unknowingly grabbing sodas and fresh milk from the fridge, to ease their drunkenness. After all, I saw emptiness. I felt emptiness. The superficiality of society where people wants to fit in to get accepted because after all, no one wants rejection. The façade of being proud “in” but in reality, they’re slowly dying. And for me, street party seemed to be an outlet of frustration, sadness, anxiety, and depression. People always long for something in the end.  But life should be more than a night of drinks and smoke. It should be more than meeting temporary people.

Four days and three nights was a short term goal achieved in knowing and living the life in Thailand. More insights were added to my unending learnings in life. It was more than the feeling of being grateful of what the life has more to offer for people like us who seek for journey mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Life is really full of surprises and adventures and I couldn’t wait for my next destination. Until next time, Thailand!

#thailand #bucketlist #vacation #vacationtrip #asia #asianculture #thaifood #floatingmarket #party #travel #travelexperience #travelblog #travelstory

[sumukhcomedy]

Brown Skin, White Audiences

During my freshman year at Miami University I took a class on diversity. There was not a lot of what could be labeled as diversity among the students in the class but at least all of us were there with a genuine interest in the subject or needing to fulfill a credit requirement. The class was taught by a delightful old white male professor nearing retirement who later in my senior year would be my professor for a class on Shakespeare. He weaved through both classes with a great deal of kindness and respect.

Sadly, now 11 years later, I remember very little from either class. In the case of the diversity class, I only remember one moment. We somehow got on to the topic of racial slurs and derogatory terms and the topic of “honky” being used towards white people came up. A white kid in the class who I had found relatively obnoxious but nice enough said that he took no offense to the term and that he, in fact, found it funny. In a way, this was my first introduction to the dangers of the white audience and humor. I and many people of color have heard our fair share of racial slurs targeted towards us. But those slurs have not been for humor. They have been to put us down. And here I had a kid in front of me telling me that a slur that could be used for white people did nothing to him. George Jefferson used “honky” so freely when talking about his neighbor Tom Willis and about other white people and the masses laughed at it. But it now seemed clear that, while the white majority laughed, they felt nothing by hearing that term.

                      This is a strangely accurate photo of America today.

In those 11 years since I graduated college, I've been a stand-up comedian. By starting in Columbus, Ohio and then traveling the country, I can tell you that I have entertained a lot of white people. With that, I have met a lot of very understanding, respectful, and kind white people. But even the kindest of white people cannot fully understand what it will feel like to be a person of color performing for a white audience.

Over the weekend, two separate incidents that blew up social media had an impact on this topic. First, there was an interview with Mel Brooks with the BBC in which he said that comedy has become “stupidly politically correct which is the death of comedy.” Then, of course, there was Donald Trump going off on both NFL players for kneeling during the National Anthem and Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors for not wanting to come to The White House.

I have a lot of respect for Mel Brooks because his movies were important in my comedy upbringing. What he says holds some accuracy because perhaps Blazing Saddles wouldn’t be made today. That’s beyond me to know. I wouldn’t know what dictates Hollywood’s production decisions today. But where Brooks goes off is stating that comedy is “stupidly politically correct” currently. As I’ve said before, I’m sick of seeing “political correctness” brought up in comedy because no one has any idea what that term means and it means something different to everyone. It also now has become a convenient term for someone like Brooks from a different era of comedy or mostly white comedians presently to lament that they are losing their ability to be as honest as possible in what they say in their comedy. What they totally disregard is the marginalized groups they feel they have to be “politically correct” towards have never been able to be as honest as possible not just in comedy but in their speech in every day society. We’re in a beautiful time where certain white people are on the defensive over what they can say while people of color are finding their ability to say what they want to say and getting ridiculed by those very same white people.

At 21, when I started doing stand-up comedy, I thought that it could be a potential vehicle to right the ship of the mistakes of my past towards race and social awareness. I was a quiet child, the son of Indian immigrants, and I was trying to figure out how to weave my way through and survive in my own predominantly white suburban community and this country as a whole. It’s why I didn’t force people to pronounce my name properly until adulthood. I succumbed to tailoring to white America’s inability to pronounce my name. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers. I just wanted to feel accepted. So now as an adult provided with a stage I felt I could both entertain while also providing humor, education, and being a strong representation for my race, culture, and community.

What anybody will tell you in trying to be a great comedian on your way up is to perform in every room you possibly can. I’ve heard interviews with Jay Leno and Louie Anderson where they’ve stated the goal is to be able to entertain anyone anywhere. It’s an old school philosophy and I greatly appreciate it even if there are small parts of that which I don’t fully agree with. Nevertheless, I did the same thing for as much ability as I could as I started to do comedy in Columbus. I got big laughs some nights. I ate it other nights. It’s all part of the process. But what gets left out is that “working every room” is still primarily about entertaining the masses and the masses interacting with comedy and the entertainment decision makers in this country are predominantly white.

As a result, I have never 100% been who I wanted to be in comedy or as a performer because I have to tailor what I do to white America. I do not blame this on “political correctness.” I could and hoist “political correctness” on white people being the problem. Instead, I’m disappointed that many white people do not know a lot about other races but I try at least in my own subtle and dry way to make them more knowledgeable while also being entertained at any show that I do.

What I wish more white people would understand is the difficulty of being a performer of color who cares about the impact his or her comedy has on the audience. Each night, I have to wonder if the laughter actually served its purpose. It goes back to the same feeling I had watching my classmate shrug off the term “honky” with a smile. At so many shows I’ve done, white people have laughed and I hope they laughed because they understood the material or it motivated them to be better people. But sometimes, a white audience member is laughing because they actually are happy to keep you at a lower place than them.

I give this example a lot but I had a joke in my act that is on my album about a kid on my bus in elementary school nicknaming me Abu. He meant to call me Apu but screwed up his cartoon characters. Audiences understood the joke and laughed a lot at it. When you decide to do material about a topic like this and it’s personal, you are inviting an audience into your world. In my case, I’m offering them a personal story like this one in the hope that they laugh and be better as people. The underlying point of the story being that, as a kid, I went through some ignorance. That kid was pretty stupid in what he said but he also was a kid at the time who didn’t know any better. Don’t be dumb like that kid. Nevertheless, there are plenty of audience members over the years who have been dumb like that kid. After a show, they will come up to me and say “Apu!” or “Abu!” and laugh and now it’s as if nothing has changed and I have to go back to being that quiet elementary school kid on the bus again in dealing with a white person. I’m trying to get people to have fun but be better as people, not to have fun then keep doing the same stuff that made me feel terrible as a kid.

In situations like this, I always bring up Dave Chappelle leaving his show for Africa but it’s still such a remarkable moment to me because it was a black person in power in comedy taking a stand. I loved Chappelle’s Show but even when it happened I understood why he did it. Being in college and at a university that leaned more conservative, I could see where the dominance of his show could be having a negative effect on its purpose so I got, even at the age of 20, why he did it. Still, white America labeled Chappelle as crazy. They couldn’t understand why someone would walk away from that much money. Again, to white America it’s about money. It’s not about dignity, respect, identity, and justice. We see that in how some of them interact now with athletes or entertainers of color who are making a statement. The topic to some of these white people is not to listen and understand the justice and equality these athletes and entertainers are seeking for their people (and even for themselves with Michael Bennett as an example). It’s instead about how much money they make and that should make them happy enough and that they should just do their job to entertain the white masses. These are the most powerful athletes and entertainers of color and they are getting ridiculed simply because of what their job is as if people of color have anyone else that high up on the stage that is our society that can speak for them. There’s more to it all than that even for me as a comedian and I’m nobody comparatively. As Jon Stewart put it on the topic of Chappelle and his departure from his show, “I think Dave felt a responsibility, as a black performer, to live up to a responsibility and to not give people—you know, it’s sort of what we call the bucket-of-blood laugh….You can only control the intention of the execution, but I think for Dave it became more complicated than that.”

Mel Brooks is 91 years old. He is a legend who has had a huge impact on American comedy. Sure, perhaps Blazing Saddles in its original form couldn’t be made today. But you don’t think that a comedic genius like Brooks could make Blazing Saddles in a hilarious way that still would not be “politically correct” but would appeal to an audience in 2017? No one wants to see The Jeffersons made in the exact same way in 2017, either. Time moves on and the best at it are able to work with society’s changes while still exemplifying the very cores of comedy that Brooks claimed were dying. “Political correctness” is a tiresome excuse for bad comedy and I have every expectation it will be brought up by someone of prominence every month for the rest of my life. And, look, if you want comedy without “political correctness,” trust me, there are plenty of places it exists on television, the Internet, or in your local community. I’ve opened for comedians doing it at plenty of terrible venues across the country and those shows have made me want to quit comedy.

It applies to audiences as well. People who care laugh at a joke and learn from it if there’s something to be learned from it. Via entertainment, they modify their behavior and have a proper discussion on it. The people who do not care get defensive about it. They live within their generalizations. They take their own mindset and narrative and project it on the entertainment that was presented to them. That type of perspective knows no political party affiliation or cultural background or race. That is someone just not knowing how to interact with comedy or entertainment or sports and the individuals who worked hard to get to a point to represent those stages and have their opinions be expressed.

I’m not concerned with Mel Brooks because he’s 91 nor what Trump says because that’s a whole other minefield of discussion. I’m more concerned about comedians or audience members with Mel Brooks’s perspective who are 21 or 31 or even 41. As a comedian, instead of using “political correctness” as a defense mechanism for not getting what you want, why wouldn’t you examine the landscape of society and create great comedy that reflects it? As an audience member, instead of using “political correctness” as a defense mechanism for the downfall of our society, why wouldn’t you examine the downfalls and injustices of our society that may have led to this weirdly and unclearly defined term you keep bringing up?

To either the comedians or the audience members who are so angry about “political correctness” and feel so bad they have to change who they are or what they want to say to fit American society, well, congratulations. You now have a small sliver of understanding of how I’ve had to live my life and perform my comedy every day in white America.

#political correctness #free speech #mel brooks #donald trump #nfl #takeaknee #national anthem #stand up comedy #comedy #dave chappelle #blazing saddles

[shinmegamitensei2]

i was gonna sleep cus i’m tired as shit but then my brain started blaring some thoughts in my head so now i can’t sleep, so now you guys get to hear me ramble angrily about privilege and intersections of it on my blog instead

warning: this is extremely long and at points starts to sound like “pwease weave the poow twans men awone we did nofing wrong uwu” but i promise there’s a point somewhere in here about how we gotta start thinking about what we say has consequences

just... i get so angry when privilege is conflated to “if you have it, you have every single facet of it and you always benefit from it” when that’s really not the case at all, and to treat privilege as a single card that is separate from, and consequently unaffected by personal experience, other VISIBLE aspects of identity and individuality, and so forth is a really flawed way of thinking

the way i see most people explain or treat privilege is whether you have, say, a “privilege card” and the more you accumulate, the more privileged you are and thus the more benefits society offers you as a result of your status over another person (say, a white cis straight man is far more privileged than a black trans gay woman)

this is it, a simplification of privilege, easily digestible and easy enough to regurgitate to other people to get them to understand on an elementary level what it means to have privilege - when you have it, you have benefits over another person because society deems you better than another person

but then the conversation stops there. it stops, and this simplification becomes a hard and fast rule rather than the beginning of an educational moment, and suddenly we have concepts such as self-determination of your identity means you can gain and drop privileges as you change and determine WITHIN YOURSELF who you are, rather than what society deems you as

and therein lies the problem: how do you gain or lose privilege? how does the concept of passing privilege factor into all this? what does it mean to pass, or to not pass, and can privilege be bargained, can it only be half-gained or half-lost, can it change on a whim?

the only times i ever see this brought up, it’s by some asshat who’s got some shitty opinions or is trying to defend the privileged group wherein exchanges of power usually do not happen on the level i’m trying to discuss (re: race and a white person whose family is predominantly european-white, although there is a lot to be said about someone who is white but also comes from a mixed family and the way that privilege can also be bartered based on perceived appearance versus the reality) but what i really want to look into, specifically, is the bartering of privilege gained and lost through identification as trans, nonbinary, or another gender unrecognized by mainstream society

because, like... it’s here, i feel like, where passing privilege becomes its most prominent (as well as sexuality and the culture surrounding it that has crafted a persona, either influenced by or influencing [or both!!] by homophobic caricatures of the past and present) and where we need to start having discussions, serious discussions, about how one passes not only affects their privilege, but also that we cannot and should not treat people specifically based on what privileges or disprivileges we believe they should be experiencing in their day-to-day lives, because... it doesn’t work that way

there’s such a monumental difference between people at different stages of passing, and what information they have about them that is on the internet, or among their friends and family, or to their bosses and coworkers or if it gets leaked in ways they didn’t intend or want people to see or know

i AM going to use trans men in this example, being one myself, because i don’t intend to try and explain anything using experiences that don’t belong to myself so as to not misrepresent anyone, so i apologize that this comes off as being really whiny and “wahhh stop treating transmasc ppl badly” because a whole lot of trans masc and trans men adopt misogyny and absorb toxic masculinity in an attempt to become masculine, in a world where manliness is often defined by how much you can reject femininity and the constant attempts to redefine masculinity in a way that doesn’t allow male predators to adopt it solely to hurt women I’M GOING ON A TANGENT ANYWAY

there was a point i wanted to make here, and it was specifically on the idea that, like... you cannot ever, possibly, expect a trans man who is completely untransitioned and is seen, societally, as a woman, to own any amount of male privilege that makes any real difference where it matters aside from an online community wherein anonymity is valued, but also in said community where that information (that they are trans, whether or not they mention they are untransitioned) may be open and ENCOURAGED to be posted online for the sake of engaging in these conversations in the first place

as opposed to a trans man who is fully transitioned, has spent several years being accepted as a man, having absorbed ideas about masculinity that may make him indistinguishable from other men and nobody questions his status as a man, and all of this is STILL contingent on the fact that nobody knows or SHOULD know that he is trans, as once that information comes out on a platform where people feel empowered to challenge him (not only including the internet, but in real life, where it is common and encouraged for men to engage in violence, especially where bigotry is concerned)

as opposed to any trans men who may be in between, too! a man who is taking T, whose voice is changing over time and where his neighbors may catch onto what’s going on and grow suspicious; a man who takes strides to act masculine where he can, but who is stifled in an environment where he could be abused or killed purely on account of transphobia; a man who does not WANT to take the steps required for society to fully “recognize” him as a man, and so may never be able to fully participate in presenting the way he wants

this is all transphobia, full stop. not transmisandry or whatever weirdo terms ppl are coming up with these days, but there is a lot to be said in how transness AFFECTS male privilege, and how that male privilege may be adopted, absorbed, and enacted depending on the way that society recognizes men, maleness and masculinity

trans masculinity, and the state of being a trans man, is not an experience shared by every trans man. trans men are not all the same - some are trans nonbinary men, some transition, some do not, some adopt abusive techniques and toxicity that comes built into the system that tells us what being a man is and what being a woman is (although i could also argue that in a lot of ways, to be recognized as a man without having homophobia and transphobia and misogyny thrown at you constantly is to HAVE to participate in these systems, but alas)

there is a wide variety of difference in all of these people, and how they are recognized on a widescale manner that makes any shred of difference outside of this website - which begs another question! where does privilege travel? can it disappear or appear depending on where you are? where you go? can you have privilege on tumblr, but then have it vanish when you leave this website?

there’s a distortion, a way we talk about privilege and the privileged folk, that makes it so damn difficult to discuss the finer and more important details about privilege, intersection, and how privilege is not the same for everyone. it CANNOT be the same for everyone, because passing privilege is not yet another token given to people just to show that they have it! and privilege is not a set of cards and coins that come separately and totally irrelevant of each other!

a trans man is pelted by misogyny, homophobia, as well as transphobia when he does not pass. just as cis men are pelted with these ideas, so too are trans men. and yes, they are misguided. they hurt women and gay people more than they hurt men and straight people, this much should be obvious to anyone. but these things - they are STILL internalized, and how they are internalized changes depending on who is on the receiving end, and in many ways these things are markers and indicators of how to and how not to act for men

i wanted to keep going on about this point and i think i have more to say but my end point with all this is just that privilege changes power depending on where you are, who you are, and on a moment’s notice depending on what information people have a hold of, and i know i did a not-great job of explaining this but also i’m just venting so whatever

another thought occurred to me, about something i was thinking about earlier today, and it’s about how we talk about this concept, and how we approach privilege and privileged people and people whose privilege may variably change

obviously tumblr’s a bad place to be. it’s polarizing, because a lot of people use it as a place to vent, and there’s a lot of gross and nasty people here (including highly-privileged folk and fucking neo-nazis for fuck’s sake) and having long and meaningful conversations here is pointless because it’s drowned out by the obsession and need for having notes yet lacking a cohesive way to spread posts and all proper additions to that post without someone losing some form of context along the way

(that fucking, pewdiepiekin post goin around is one such example, since it’s apparently a joke that OP has but everyone’s treating it as fact, and like obviously it’s hard to tell sarcasm on this website given how much weird shit we’ve seen, but also that it’s FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to correct such a misunderstanding BECAUSE of the very nature of tumblr itself, go figure)

but that’s also why i think we gotta have this conversation, this like... talk that we can’t keep talking about shit the way we have been, especially in regards to social justice and conceptualizing it for the younger kids who USE this website, and like... we just gotta have a different way of approaching things now, because the more i watch idle chats where people gleefully and openly post screenshots of others making fun of them for minor shit or momentary fuck-ups that could be easily ignored because the person is still learning (ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE LIKE 14) and otherwise give themselves a free pass to become openly vicious and in the name of coping or to share amongst their friends how pathetic they view some people

like ok not to be a liberal and i’d rather not be classified as such because i don’t lick the boots of the privileged or pull any of that devil’s advocate shit but this extremely hostile environment we’ve cultivated and continually defend because we think this website creates ANY sort of meaningful difference in the world and anything we do on this website has any sort of meaningful impact that is beneficial to us while also openly encouraging behaviors that mitigate and deny growth and learning from mistakes is honestly kind of fucking scary

this is in no way saying giving a pass or go on behavior that directly spreads violence like saying slurs and whatnot, but we’re also so, so very fucking vicious, and at some point, no matter what reason you have for saying what you do, the consequence is that your words and intents get hijacked and used out of context in a manner that forms high hostility in the first place

and it’s so, so hard to talk about here too, without going “well if you hate men hurr durr it’s ur fault everything on this site sucks don’t openly say you hate your oppressors hurr durr!” like that’s such an easy trap to fall into but i don’t believe that either, even if i’ve grown distasteful of openly expressing “i hate cis men” (because they terrify me and could murder me at a moment’s notice, both for thinking i’m a woman and for finding out i am trans) or “i hate straight people” (because they fetishize my gayness and shit!) and etc

i’ve got so many reasons why i could express those thoughts, but should i do it, and on a regular basis, consequences follow. consequences that destroy my cultivated and intended reputation as someone who is open and friendly and kind, because it is difficult to really PROVE that to someone who may be on the fence from allowing themself to be deprogrammed from societal teachings and ingrained and taught transphobia and homophobia and misogyny and racism and so on so forth

and i know not everyone is like that. not everyone WANTS to teach and to provide the resources for that and to help deprogram people. most people just want to vent, most people want to escape from the daily abuse and fear and vent their frustrations. i get that. but then where do we go from there, when we have such an absolute volume of people doing and saying this exact thing, in such a degree that such a climate becomes normal to be reactionary and to react to any level of ignorance with anger, no matter who it comes from?

i’m being so, so vague here, and i really do not want it to come off as protection of the poor soft privileged or what the fuck ever, i genuinely do not. i guess i’m just describing a time in my life where i was like that, where i openly enjoyed mocking people that i thought were beyond reprieve and “saving” and getting into fights and it was such a nasty attitude to be in because it led to me throwing people out of my life, throwing caution to the wind, destroying my reputation online and getting put on places like r/tumblrinaction and potentially k.i/.w/i./f./a/./r./.m//s for my actions

living that way endangered me, and not just because of who i am. living that way destroyed me, and it destroyed my way of thinking, too. it destroyed my moral system, it encouraged me to dehumanize others. it encouraged me to find new ways to rationalize violence as a way of “vengeance” and “retribution” for the damages society dealt me, as if that was any rational and correct way of approaching this situation

anger has its place. anger has its place in destroying the system we have now and rebuilding a new one. but we need to understand that our actions, no matter how justified, still have consequences, sometimes extremely unintended, and even unwarranted that we didn’t deserve, and just... i dunno

there is no easy solution to this. i don’t believe we’ll get anywhere by being nice to everyone all the time, just as much as i don’t believe we’ll get anywhere by developing such a community-wide but aimless anger that we develop as hostile an environment as we have on this website

i don’t know what we need, but it can’t be this

#vent #this is way too long and you probably shouldn't read it #and please absolutely do not rb it i would very much appreciate that #it's a bunch of thoughts i wanted to throw out there and it's not coherent #nor is it a blatant and exact statement of my ideologies #tons of it is vague even because i just do not want to stick to my guns and say something stupid #and like have all my friends turn on me and tell me how i'm no different from the people i'm rambling about #i dunno. this website has that effect on me now i guess #i know that's a broad reaching term too to be like 'fucking tumblr LOL sjws' #but... yeah everything i fucking put out here scares the shit out of me so thanks