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kingofangst · 5 months

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A Senpai's Sacrifice

OKAY RIGHT NOW I AM IN MY FEELS OF ANGST AND SADNES. I AM COPING RIGHT NOW.

So here is a bittersweet one-shot I created, where surname-san makes a tough decision and sacrifice! While I incorporated some of the lyrics of Unravel by TK Ling (DIsclaimer: I do not own the rights to this song) to darken the mood. This has nothing to do with my Jujutsu Kaisen fanfic au: A Nexis's Peril, this is a totally different oneshot I wrote myself. Enjoy the derpession!

Characters: Itadori Yuji, Kugisaku Nobara, Mahito, past reader, past Satoru Gojo, reader-senpai, reader is gender-neutral

Warnings: Graphic violence, past bullying, that's about it

P.S: Made some edits when I noticed I saw some typos and I had to change it from "he" to "they" to make it gender-neutral. Sorry about that!

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There were...there are two Mahitos. That explains why Nobara damaged Mahito's soul, she fought a clone and used her resonance to Mahito's clone as an effigy to damage Mahito's soul-

Their blood freezes when the real Mahito switches places with his clone

"RUUUNNN!!! KUGISAKI!!!"

The pain in Itadori's voice made Surname-san recoil, but pales in comparison as they watch the real Mahito charge at Kugisaki who is in shock at the scene before her. Then everything went in slow-motion…

No...no no no no no no no no NO!

This wasn't how things were supposed to end...they didn't expect things to turn out this bad without Gojo-sensei…

Kugisaku...Kugisaki...Kugisaki...Kugisaki...KUGISAKI!!!

They can't afford to see their own kouhai, who they watched grow in the past months, this fiery and passionate girl of steel taking out two Special Grade curses with Itadori 5 weeks ago, die in front of them or Itadori who has already lost so much...from Shibuya's destruction...Nanami-sensei's death…

There's no place in this world that they would want more than to see their kouhais safe and happy, away from all of this...Okinawa sounds like a happier place to be in than here…

"Cursed Technique: Kyomu no Ten'i..." They manifest with their cursed energy, having their hands out, creating a sphere of black energy, getting lighter and lighter as they prepare themselves for their last stand…

"...Shin'en no Kokan!"

"You're a weird kid, you know that?"

"Huh?" They question, looking up at a classmate in their 4th grade science classroom, eyeing the other kid.

"I said you're weird...how are you even good at making things explode when you can't even make friends?"

Those were the words that stuck inside of 10 year-old Surname-san's head since the 4th grade. They weren't the most sociable kid, nor the funniest, nor the most popular. But they knew they were different from anyone else in that classroom and in the school. How does one explain to someone who is purely human that they can see curses at a young age?

Oshiete oshiete yo sono shikumi wo

Surname-san saw the green and purple curse swarming around the antagonistic kid's shoulders like a cobra, it's weird seven eyes staring back at their eyes. Of course, Surname-san didn't do much except leave, as the kid continued to shout and bully them as they walked away. School was horrible, life was horrible as a foster kid, they had no will or desire to even fix things. They thought they were cursed since birth.

Boku no naka ni da ga iru no?

A week after their hardships, a tragedy happened, one that happened in their school. The day that they lost their entire class and grade to a horrific curse…the very same one that was on the kid that bullied them…

Kowareta, Kowareta yo kono sekai de

The hideous, cobra-like curse, slithering towards them from corpse to corpse, taking one life after another while they watch the carnage before them, shivering in fear

Kimi ga warau nanimo miezu ni

Running through the bloodied hallways of the school while the curse was hot on their trail wanting to consume them and their soul, shouting eerily “you’re weird!” “you will never make friends!” “why can’t you just die?” the words are all too familiar, from the very voice of the boy that is now dead. Now they stood in a corner and trapped between a wall and the path of where the curse was, hissing with a maniacal grin. The individual felt scared, horrified and was the only one alive against this very strong, hideous being.

Beings they have seen on a regular basis, the sheer malevolence and disturbance of them from humans. As the curse leaped forward and went in for the kill, the individual shielded their faces as if to not face the gruesome fate that awaited them, unknowingly producing black circles that shot out to the curse. Instead of hearing their flesh and bones crack, they heard thuds and sounds of pain yelps. They open their eyes to see a shocking sight before them. The curse, in pieces, held separately by black swirling voids, crying in pain before starting to vanish into thin air.

Kowareta boku nante sa iki wo tomete

They never knew they could produce such abilities from their hands. How on Earth did they do such a thing? The crashing of windows burst through, shattering on the floor, startling them when a tall figure with white hair, all dressed in black with shades lands on the floor, their feet crunching the glass that shattered. The male, looking between them and the now evaporating curse and the odd, circular black things exorcising the curse, is surprised and impressed. He watches the curse being destroyed, before walking up to the frightened child that began crying silently.

Hodokenai mou hodokenai yo shinjitsu sae freeze

“That was you?”

“H-Hai- I don’t know I- I don’t know what I did b-but everyone d-died and it chased me and I-I…I was running and I d-didn’t want this to eat…eat me-!” Their hiccups and sobs overtook their voice as the taller figure realized what this kid had before pulling him into a hug after a traumatic and grotesque event.

Kowaseru kowasenai kurueru kuruenai anata wo mitsukete

“Kid, what’s your name?”

“Surname first-name…” They sobbed into the male’s chest, finally letting out their pent up emotions of being bullied from school and foster care, not being seen as a person, not being defended by the guardians at foster care, not being able to have a happy life since birth. They felt cursed and just wanted to be erased from this world.

“You’re not a curse…” Is what the male tells them is what makes them realize they said it out loud. “You are a special human being. One that can control your cursed energy and can be able to use a cursed technique. Surname-san, my name is Satoru Gojo, and you are a sorcerer. I see you’ve had a rough life judging by what you said out loud. So let’s forget about that, forget what life throws at you, and let me help train you?”

And so, they took his hand, out of awe and pent up emotions of what this male told them, saying “You’ll be doing amazing things, surname-san.”

“SURNAME-SENPAI!!”

YURETA YUGANDA SEKAI NI DANDAN BOKU WA SUKITOTTE MIENAKU NATTE

One second, Kugisaki found herself in shock, staring at Mahito’s hand inches away from her face, then the next second being pulled in a black void that was endless, before seeing light and same beige tiles of the place she was in, falling beside Itadori whose pained shout she heard echo the hallway. She turns in time to see her senpai, in the exact place she was in, horror taking her features as Mahito’s hand swipes Surname-san’s face. They switched places with her!

"Surname-senpai! What the hell did you do!?"

MITSUKENAIDE BOKU NO KOTO WA MITSUMENAIDE

So this is what it feels like to be touched by Idle Transfiguration, they think as Mahito’s evil cackle erupts in the atmosphere before gripping their head in discomfort. They already felt their soul begin to unravel, their brain starting to become painful.

Kugisaki didn't want to admit the grim truth of their senpai's actions. But no matter how much she tried to think otherwise, she couldn't think of one. Because...Surname-senpai sacrificed their life for her by switching places at the exact moment Mahito was supposed to touch her, and taking her place.

DAREKA GA EGAITA SEKAI NO NAKE DE ANATA WO KIZUTSUKETAKU WA NAI YO

“SENPAI!!!” Both of their voices called them out, fear and horror in their tone. This isn’t how they wanted to die, or go out. But if it means to save someone younger than them, then it’s worth that sacrifice. The memories of them since entering Tokyo Jujutsu Tech pouring in like a movie film, each memory of them with their classmates…

Maki…Toge…Panda…Yuta…gomenasai…looks like I won’t be treating you all to sukiyaki at Ginza…

"Gomen, Kugisaki but I promised Nitta-chan and Maki that I'd help you survive." They chuckle sadly, knowing the pain is only increasing and seeing Kugisaki's angry and horrified expression with Itadori's terrified one.

OBOETEITE BOKU NO KOTO WO

The drops of blood from both of their nasal holes, dripping rapidly, along with their head feeling as if it is going to implode, makes them gaze up to the scared eyes of Itadori and Kugisaki, their eyes widening in horror at how Surname-san is looking. I am so sorry you have to see this…

Oshiete

Maki…Yuta…Toge…Panda…Hakari…Hoshi…Gojo-sensei…Fushiguro-kun…Yaga-san…Ieiri-san…I…I am so sorry for this…I can’t make my promise…but…arigato

Oshiete

“Itadori-kun, Kugisaki-chan…thank you…for making me believe I was a good person…live a long life…both of you…”

Boku no naka ni

Those were the final words of their senpai, before hearing a gross popping, then witnessing their head explode into flesh, blood and brain matter scattering the floor and their uniform before the headless corpse falls to the floor with a sickening crack to the floor.

Then, the hallways echoed nothing but Itadori’s and Kugisaki’s cries…while Mahito was cackling at the demise of someone important to them

Dare ga iru no?

Itadori's cries echo the hallways the loudest alongside Kugisaki's crestfallen and tear-gazed expression. Itadori couldn't take it anymore...the tears cascacding down his face as his eyes lose the brightness in them completely.

Their senpai's bloody, mutilated and headless corpse was in front of them.

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Congratulations, you'll have depression now. You're welcome!

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eveliina186 · 6 days

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Society's losers. Suicidal losers. Bullied losers. Drug losers. And losers in love.

What is a loser for you?

A loser is someone who doesn't fit into the social canons and sees himself outside of society and society also shuts him/her out because of that.

A Loser is a person who has reached a point where he can't stand his life and has to do things that he has to do to escape from his reality. This society is set up so that you end up being a loser, no matter how hard they try to say otherwise (The American dream). Are we losers? Yes, we are. Proud? Of course we are.

Today the psychologist told me that I am angry with the world. What could have happened? I want to kill myself. It's something that happened when you were 5 years old. Why don't we get over it? Because we're fucking losers.

What makes a loser be a loser, his circumstance or his self? Maybe it's clinical derpession.

It's also situational that makes you a loser. It's not fitting into a system, into a mold, so whatever surrounds you and discriminates you makes you a loser. Because there is a false idea of winners and losers. It is an illusion that capitalism has created, to separate the people who are worth and those who are not worth, those who are useful and those who are not. It is to be productive for the system and for the microsystem that is the family. Do you know why we fight so hard to spread the importance of public mental health and achieve almost nothing? Because the powerful are not interested in people starting to be well in the head and heal their traumas, because people who have depression are worthless, do not produce and bring problems. They are not interested in keeping us alive. There are thousands of suicides a year (in any nation) Are they doing anything about it? Other than putting up a useless phone number. An outsider doesn't produce in the same way that a person who doesn't rethink their life produces. People who are outsiders reveal themselves in some way and see the seams in the system. Not wanting to be part of the norm. One fucking phone number for a country of millions of people, do they think they are saving the world with that? It's putting a wet band-aid on a huge wound. They can put public psychologists and they have the money for that project, but they don't want to spend it on that because it doesn't suit them and they are going to let us slit our wrists (message to anyone who has any kind of command or important position in the government). If they want us dead, be honest and say so, that is better than giving false hopes.

“The system is going to protect us, keep us alive and happy, I trust it fully” said no one ever.

Maybe you are saying that blaming the system all the time is too easy. No, you must think that there are people who are born with a looser tendency to struggle. That may happen that there are people who generate their own misery and their own undoing.

But most psychopathic losers are not born, they are created by the system. Do you know what is one of the reasons why people are terribly bad, depressed and suicidal? Fucking money. And that's the system's fault. Your father can work 16 hours a day, barely have any time left to interact with you and still not have enough money to make ends meet and you'll still be short of food at home and you'll have a father you can barely know because he's working all day and so your childhood sucks. Is it the kid's fault?

Hit rock bottom to stay alive. Something as necessary as the air we breathe.

Is a message from the movie “Fight Club”: when you lose everything you are free to act.

And not being able to see beyond, a typical symptom of depression that is not often talked about. How do you explain to someone who has never had depression what “not being able to see beyond” is? It is something very specific. It's being anywhere and saying “I can't imagine myself living another second and I can't bear the thought of continuing this life”. It's the most horrible feeling in life. When you are in that tunnel of not seeing beyond (you don't know it's a tunnel, in those moments you only see a wall) the only thing you can see is the ceiling. You can play games, watch a movie, many things. But you don't even have the motivation to get up and go pee. And it all builds up inside you.

Let's see, it's not good to hit rock bottom because it's dangerous and you may not get out. But if you see that you can't stop going down to hell, don't worry so much about hitting bottom. There will come a time when you will get fed up with yourself and you will say: this is it, you have to get out of the pit. There is no other way out of depression. No matter how much you go to the loony bin, if you never get to say “I hate myself, I'm sick of myself”, there are two solutions: I shoot myself or I try to live. You can't live locked up in a room, however tempting it may be, because otherwise you fall into the apathy of depression. And emptiness is far worse than any physical pain. The emptiness of depression is nothingness. You can be blank, staring at the wall, and you can spend hours dissociating. But underneath that apathy is the pain that brings you out of it.

If there is no rebellion that comes from pain and nonconformity, there is no hope.

Sadness is rebellion.

You have to hit rock bottom before you can start living. And when you hit rock bottom you learn many things, like the priorities of life, what really matters.

And when you come out of the depression (if you come out), or when you relapse, you have the learning you have acquired from the depression and that serves you for your whole life and you become a much more assertive person and much more empathetic and a fucking decent person. Not like shallow people who go through life without empathy thinking that others are their pawns in a game of checkers and they think they can go through life doing whatever they want to do in life. *A person who has depression does not go around playing with people's feelings because they are terrified of making someone else feel the suffering they have already experienced. Basic people are the meanest.

Fictional loser characters, our own: The characters in the movie Little Miss Sunshine.

Dwayne, a teenager who has made a promise to himself: to be an aviator, to escape “flying” from that family he detests, and he has imposed selective mutism on himself until he achieves that goal. Frank, the uncle who tried to commit suicide. He is gay, his boyfriend has left him and he has lost his job.

Olive, the little girl who dreams of being a beauty queen, but is the furthest thing from hegemony.

Sheryl, Olive and Dwayne's mother, who never makes ends meet.

The grandfather who has been kicked out of the nursing home for using cocaine and is a burden on the family (one of the best characters). Poverty is very present in this story.

But, the biggest loser of that family and the only really pathetic one is the one who doesn't fit in society but wants to fit in at all costs: Richard, Sheryl's husband, father of the girl. He believes in the American dream. As much as he tries to fit in (and pursue financial success as his mecca and pretend his daughter is a deluded beauty queen), he doesn't see that it will never happen, he doesn't see reality. Society sells us on being happy rock stars. But if you don't fit in, if your social status doesn't reach or if they don't like your looks, stop trying, those are NOT your people. He thinks that if he has the perfect family, society will accept him.

Society will never accept you, because it is an illusion.

But when you are told that the dream of your life can never be fulfilled and the illusion of your life is shattered it is like a grenade exploding inside your chest, something that not many can survive. The uncle experiences that shattering from the beginning of the movie. Dwayne experiences it when he learns that because of a problem with his vision he won't be able to be a pilot. But both emerge. Can the father, the “perfect” one, emerge when his turn comes? The only one who manages to motivate Dwayne to get out of the pit is his little sister Olive, because she is the only innocent one. If you still have innocence left, are you a loser? No, because innocence is hope. The girl wasn't a loser at all, she hadn't burned bridges like the others.

And the uncle's words of encouragement to Dwayne: Life is like fucking high school. Make the most of school because that's when you're going to suffer the most in your life, but it's the time that's going to shape you into a decent person in this life. Save some innocence. That pain, from possible bullying, will give you strength. Once you get over being a loser in school, you've got the heaven won. If you get over that, everything after that will be shit compared to that.

Then people wonder why high schools have shootings? That's the true face of the American Dream.

Bullying in school is objectively hell on Earth. It's a place where you're going to suffer every day and you can't tell anyone, because if you tell it's worse. You have to endure that pain, you have to make it to the end alive, I beg you, because it will mean a rebirth. You're better than those people. You know what Sweet Revenge is after that? Seeing on Facebook or Instagram the pictures of your ruined bullies, seeing that your bullie cut his life short by getting his girlfriend pregnant too young, and that the peak of glory in his life was when he called you a “loser” in high school, and that he will never be able to get higher than that, than being the soccer star and that his life and youth is prematurely over.

We, the losers, may even commit suicide. But even if it comes to that, we will NEVER have our peak of glory in high school. Our time in high school was a survival and we didn't think we were the kings of the jungle. Our life will go on much better than before and better than theirs. This is what Dwayne and his uncle's talk in Little Miss Sunshine refers to. They recognize reality, they know they are losers and they accept it. And Little Miss Sunshine's grandfather, another great character. He is granddaughter's coach in her beauty queen career, and didn't want to set a bar or give her an impossible goal to aspire to, like her father. He let her be and created a dance routine according to her, for her to have fun. Grandpa knows that she, despite not being a loser per se, has the curse of poverty and being in a family of “losers”. And knowing one's limitations is the right thing to do. He created a show for her. A “Super freak” show. Grandpa knew how to do terrorism: he put a bomb, which is the girl, in that beauty contest. A critique of beauty contest. The ending of Little Miss sunshine is the victory of the freaks and the losers. It is incredible, the best ending. Victory must be personal and not fit into a social system. This movie teaches us that, we as losers, our duty is to do the rebellion, is to do the terrorism at the winners' table.

Another undeniable side of the loser's world: drug addiction.

Drugs can be a great lifesaver, it abstracts you from the society that pushes you to the margins. How do you manage your chemistry when your chemistry is very worn out? Sometimes you miss feeling something in your heart too much. It's one more escape from life. But it's an escape that screws up your life. It is a very recurrent theme in depressive people, something that must be approached with less prejudice. You have to talk without taboos, because the truth will set you free.

If you are like Renton from the movie Transpotting, who is addicted to heroin, it is a very clear theme to represent, because heroin is a drug that makes you give a shit about everything, it is an opiate that destroys your life. As Renton says, heroin makes the only thing you care about in life is the next shot you're going to take. And that takes away a lot of your worries. It's an attractive thing to fall into. Opiates are for people who can't handle their reality, and it's something that very intelligent (and the most intelligent and aware) people can fall into. Being increasingly aware of the bitter reality and not being able to handle what you discover. It's not always just junkies, depression is a major factor in the descent into drugs. And drug addicts are society losers, and the most marginalized. Imagine a perfect American family, what do they do with a drug addict member? they marginalize them, they hide them. Film where a previously depressed person falls into drugs: My own private Idaho.

The drug changes the person and turns him into an addict. And society only sees that last phase of that depression. It sees only an addict. Have you asked him before you judge him why he became addicted?

Life is sometimes unbearable. Sometimes it is not possible to live another second in a vacuum.

Also don't judge the person who uses a straw and accuse him of polluting the ocean with it. When there are thousands of companies polluting the air. Look at the fucking enemy above. Stop judging the one who is just as fucked up as either us or the one who is more fucked up than you. It's a bigger problem than you think. The enemy is not your neighbor struggling to pay rent like you, the enemy is the owner of the building.

Drugs is an escape candy. The people upstairs are also bored with their perfect lives and looking for escape.

Another important pillar: losers in love.

The protagonist of the film Nowhere by director Gregg Araki. He knows that the world is absurd and the world is going to end, and he wants to find something true. Love. He wants to find someone pure with whom he wants to share experiences. He wants to experience something real, something that will save him from the daily doldrums. Director Gregg Araki, despite dealing a lot with sex, HIV and drugs in his films, is a director who focuses on the search for idealized love. The search for love in a world where you feel alone because it is a mess. Hopelessness reigns and the search for love as faith.

If we are losers in everything, we are also losers in love. And what is the most loser thing that can happen to you in love? Here we bare souls: the worst thing is that you have many tender feelings for a person and that you believe that person has the same kind of feelings, and that it fills your soul to think of that person, and suddenly you find out that you mean nothing to that person. Finding out that for her/him you are just another contact in her/his address book to call when she/he gets bored. The curse of the loser in love.

When you have been a loser and have suffered, you naturally avoid playing with other people's feelings. And you take love seriously. We are also aware that people with depression often have abandonment issues. You see everything as a blur and you are an observer. You observe everything from a distance, like the protagonist in Catcher in the Rye.

And you just want to share your observations, from love.

There's a moment in the “Daria” series where she talks to Trent, the one she likes, her best friend's older brother. The cool guy talks to the nerdy girl. She thinks they've had a very deep conversation. And they have had it. But then another girl shows up, attractive, the one Trent likes, and he leaves with her. And Daria's like “what I thought happened was a lie?” It's heartbreaking. But it was real. It's ALWAYS real. Get it through your heads, you know what happens? He probably did like you. But the fucking system scares popular people, the people at the top, the system scares them because of the possibility of falling down. There was curiosity and connection. But to be with the nerd is to fall down. But they always end up going back to the losers, because the losers are real people. They are the real ones. The ones who truly have the street.

Enough of using people like they're your fucking toys and enough of this absurd competition of “if I fuck more people, I win. If you fuck less, you're a loser.” Some people are smart. WTF. Sexual freedom is fine. What we support is you using people to fill gaps, to gain external validation and to fill her with false fantasies. We don't support using her for her body and expecting her (to listen to your conversations and care about you) if you can't give the same. It's wrong to believe that love is like that in modernity, and if you believe it you're a shit. Freedom is one thing, debauchery is another. Sex addiction gives cringe. If you're not in a repressive country, don't think you're cool for fucking more and more people. Sexual liberation should involve not pressuring anyone, not even yourself.

Doing it for the sake of doing it to fill gaps, because I'm sad... it's cringe. It's not organic, it doesn't flow that way.

The system imposes having sex. It wants to convince you that not having sex is a shame that you should get rid of as soon as possible. And it shouldn't be that way. And you end up copying what you see in porn and not feeling anything.

Being losers, being an outsider is good, because it gives you freedom. You live life more or less as you want, with those you want, with those you consciously choose, (if you know other losers, you can create your own little sect of losers) and you live more comfortably, without the pressure of perfection before society.

Having a perfect relationship is not the only way to find love. “Only fools have good relationships” Seymour, Ghost World, 2001.

When society sets a very high goal (business models, seduction courses, beauty standards), the powerful know that the majority will never get there, even if you pull out your fingernails you will never get there. This is the basis of advertising and pyramid scams. The system just throws you a bone to bite on. But not everything that oppresses you is real.

There is one thing that fills my soul, and that is: terminal illness. No matter how much money you have, you eat cancer and I eat it. And there we are all the same.

If capitalism were to fall, everyone would be scared to death and looking for a team. When the seeds of the false society fall, the liberation you feel is to realize that in reality there are more possibilities, the truth is what you find with your intelligence. When a seed falls, you feel a relief. If you have done things right, if you have been observant, empathetic and attentive, you can see your learning process. That's where you see who survives. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Movies about losers: Submarine. Little Miss Sunshine. Ghost World. Transpotting. Nowhere. Wellcome to the dollhouse. My own private Idaho. Daria (series). Gummo. The idiots, by Lars Von Trier. Trash humpers. Kids. Manolito gafotas.

And the manga Koe no katachi, personal recommendation about bullyng ins school.

This text in not mine, is my almost completely accurate transcription of a podcast in Spanish from the youtube channel “Soy una pringada”. Podcast titled “Club de fans de Shrek #15: Perdedores”.

#loser #paul dano #little miss sunshine #soy una pringada #esty #esty quesada #club de fans de shrek #suicide #depressing shit #depression #gregg araki #daria mtv #harmony korine #todd solodz

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