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mirkwoodmunson · 9 months

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insomnia

eddie munson/f!reader

sfw

If it weren’t for Eddie sleeping peacefully by your side, you’d be crying in frustration right about now. The aching pull of sleep behind your eyes was a constant reminder that if you could just relax, you’d be out cold. But whether it be your heart or your mind, your body betrays you; so, despite your exhaustion, you lie awake in Eddie’s bed at four o’ clock in the morning.

Your legs are tingling with restlessness and it starts to reach your arms, you dare yourself to stay still, wallowing in discomfort to save Eddie the ordeal of waking up just to help you fall sleep. As many times as he’d tried humming to you, rubbing your back, tried talking you to sleep, the stress of wanting to give him that satisfaction of lulling you into slumber kept you awake despite his best efforts. More-so on your part you’d decided it best not to indulge in that frustration just to have him awake with you. He needed rest, too, and you’d either fall asleep, or you wouldn’t. Mornings when he could tell you hadn’t rested were a blessing within your curse, anyway — he’d coo and sweet-talk you, rub your back apologetically and bring you a cup of coffee in bed, tending to your enervation.

When the dark night begins to give way to the earliest of the sun’s light, it’s a bit too much to bear, and you rub your eyes with a soft sigh of irritation before carefully climbing out of his bed. You grab one of his discarded sweatshirts off the floor and pull it over your head, arms wrapped tight around yourself as you leave his bedroom, gently closing the door behind you.

Wayne is still working the night shift, leaving the rest of the empty trailer to your devices. For a little while you watch some TV, curled up on the couch with your arms around your knees — early morning reruns of Batman, infomercials pleading you to buy K-Tel albums and Ginsu Knives.

You could pass for a zombie right now.

TV does nothing but worsen the ache in your eyes, still restless, so you switch it off in favor of staring out the window. You might as well be the last person alive on planet Earth. The trailer park is silent, still, hardly even a breeze shuffling the flora. You brush away an intrusive thought that encourages you to go outside and scream as loud as you can. Satisfying as it might be, it likely won’t help you sleep. You’re not even sure sleep is what you’re after anymore, what good would it do you now? Either way at this point, you’d still be exhausted in the morning.

Hell, it practically is morning.

You take to pacing to wear out your restlessness, down the hall to Eddie’s closed door and back to the living room - repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. You close your eyes on the sixth rotation, you’re a ghost haunting the Munson household at this point, you know every angle of this trailer like the back of your hand.

What you don’t expect is to collide with something, someone — which you do, walking straight into a pillar of warmth and soft chuckles. The run-in elicits from your lungs a shriek, silenced midway by Eddie clamping a hand over your mouth, your eyes snapping open to find him grinning down at you as he laughs softly.

“Christ, you scream like a banshee.”

You smack his hand away half-heartedly and heave a sigh, “you scared me!”

“I’m not the one practicing my zombie shamble in the dark — I nearly grabbed the bat! Have you been bitten?”

He playfully tugs at your arms, pulling up the sleeves of his sweatshirt you wear, swiping calloused fingers against you, checking over your skin in a mock assessment. Everywhere he checks, he plants a warm little kiss, making you blush and squirm away from him.

A nightlight plugged into an outlet in the kitchen casts him in a warm glow, and you can see how sleepy he is, likely waking up for a quick piss only to find you meandering the short and narrow hallway like you were sleepwalking. His hair hangs in a tangled ruffle, wearing a ratty and bleach-stained band tee where only a few letters of the name are visible — if not worn — the rest faded away from years of washing and wearing and washing again; sleeves ripped off to promote his shoulders and biceps. The shorn hem ends just at his navel, showing off a bit of his soft belly and the trail of hair leading down into boxers that hang low on his hips.

After all this time he still makes you soft, and you for him.

In the silence of your admiration he ceases his playful ministrations to look at you, brown eyes cast to black in the near-dark — you could fall into them forever for all you cared. But he rests a curled finger against the underside of your chin to capture your full attention, or at least as much of it as he can have in your sorry and depleted state.

“Can’t sleep, huh?”

“No, actually, I just really like pacing back and forth at five a.m.”

He snorts and lightly shoves your shoulder, before pulling you back and into his arms, his splayed hand rubbing your back as he rests his face in the crook of your neck and breathes you in.

“M’sorry.”

“Not your fault,” you mumble, giving in to his comfort with a soft sigh as your eyes fall closed, winding your arms around his middle and tucking yourself against him.

“Can I do anything?”

“No, baby, it’s okay. I don’t wanna keep you up — I think sleep is a lost cause for me at this point.”

“Nuh-uh,” he shakes his head, lifting it from your neck to pout at you. “Lemme help. Let me try, even just an hour or two would do you good. Just let me try. Please? I really don’t mind.”

How can you refuse this giant puppy? You groan softly in resignation and firmly plant your face square in his chest, rubbing into his shirt as he laughs softly and continues to stroke your back.

“Fine,” your voice comes muffled. “Misery loves company.”

Eddie laughs again and kisses into your hair before ruffling it, “misery is fucking cute when she’s tired. Go on, go lie down, I’ll be right there — I gotta take a piss.”

“Eeewwww,” you bemoan teasingly.

Eddie snorts and retorts with a lighthearted swat to your ass to which you squeak, sending you on your way.

As he heads into the bathroom, you trudge back into his bedroom, collapsing into the bed with a weary groan, burying yourself in the messed sheets, waiting for his return. He joins you again a few minutes later, sliding into the bed beside you and greedily pulling you into his arms, squeezing you in a warm hug before you relax together in your entanglement.

Eddie pulls all the moves he can think of as he lies on his back with you pulled up against him, your head resting on his chest so you can feel the steady rise-and-fall movement of his breathing, the thud of his heart just below your ear. The fingers of one hand comb into your hair, gently grazing the nape of your scalp in a tender massage, while his other hand once again lies flat on your back, rubbing wide and slow circles into you.

You don’t know why you initially deny his comfort when you’re struggling to relax, as when you receive it, you feel muscles ease up that you didn’t even realize were tense in the first place. You let go of a deep sigh, melting into him as you close your eyes, and this time it’s not a struggle to keep them shut. Maybe you’ve finally worn yourself out.

“Relaxed?” Eddie murmurs.

“Mhm…”

“Comfy?”

“…mhm…”

“Love me?”

You giggle softly and nuzzle yourself into him as you nod, “love you.”

Eddie nestles his face into your hair, hiding his smile there, shifting you into him further as he exhales a slow and soft breath. You’re cocooned in his warmth, his comfort, arms pulled up between you as you clutch yourself to him with loose fists twisted into his shirt, anchoring yourself to his refuge. Eddie is your safe place, his arms a home, eager to welcome you into the sanctuary of his grasp.

#was i gonna make this longer? ya #do i have the mental capacity to make this longer? na #n e way <3 #*slithers back into oblivion*#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x f!y/n #eddie munson x f!reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson comfort #eddie munson drabble #eddie munson fic #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson one shot #mine

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theguyinthemathexamples · 1 year

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Hihi!

the name's CakesInOil, aka theguyinthemathproblems, and i'm that one person in your fyp that takes nothing seriously and also the one that you'd realized has the mental capacity of a squirrel and a very very messed up, and an essentially non-existent sleep schedule the longer you get to know me :))

though, in all seriousness, i'm an ongoing genshin writer and yes, lowercase is intended whenever i write, excluding brainrots, drabbles, and possible future fanfics :DD

if you want to request anything, then go ahead :D

(more utc :]])

just note, tho, that the things I won't be doing are:

nsfw (which, yes, does include suggestive themes)

heavy themes of violence (angst ain't just my cup of coffee tbh, but i will try and experiment with it in the coming future),

anything,, yk, disgusting, which i won't be listing as i'm sure you know what i mean by what i said,

and overall ships that just spell "..why on god did he even allow people like you to exist here on earth??" and "i wonder how god hasn't smite you yet" for your entire mindset and existence.

and if you have any questions regarding my "do not request" limits, just dm me or send an ask. don't worry, i won't bite :))

if you don't want to send a request or an ask and just want to send something random, then go ahead, i won't mind :DD

A few things about me!

i may curse here and there but i'll try my best to tone it down a lot ^^""

i like to do little faces like :D, :), >:(, and etc. so that people can somewhat guess the sentence's context/intentions a little better :>

i'll wake up in the middle of the night and write random stuff that i would have no memory of doing (and tumblr will now have to hear every single end of it :))

i considered drabbles as brainrots bc i didn't know what it was called before

i'm under your bed :) /j

i use any type of pronouns (excluding neopronouns) but mostly use they/them to address myself :D

Custom tags :D

# collective reigning recipes ° : cake's everyday quotes (use them if u want lmao)

# fool's flour ° : cake talks/rambles about things that are mostly irl experiences

# sparkling wheat ♪ : cake talks/rambles about things that are related to fandoms, mostly containing content about genshin and hsr

# perilous eggs ° : cake answers asks/reqs/talks from anons or readers/viewers :>

# moonlit hens ♪ : cake answers asks/reqs/talks from their beloved moots :D

# obsidian-hard sugar ° : cake draws stuff :D

# "titan's wrath" frosting ° : cake... vents about stuff. *silently opens and closes vent on the floor*

# spoiled milk ° : cake spoils stuff, mostly about genshin and hsr

# sunlit cows ♪ : cake makes shitposts whether random or fandom related :)

Fic types :DD

# cherry waterfall * : cake makes a fic series

# scaled vanilla extracts ° : x reader fics

# suspiciously shiny mint chocolate ♪ : character x character fics maybe?

# gold coated cocoa powder ♪ : drabbles/short fics, might turn into cherry waterfalls if motivated enough

# silver lined strawberries ♪ : posts about/fics explaining aus, mostly from genshin and hsr

# stellar-borne cookies and cream ♪ : brainrots/headcannons that are more or less gonna turn into gold coated cocoa powder if braincells go boom boom big and loud enough

# sun-kissed sprinkles ♪ : cake reposts about stuff hehe >:]]

———————————

if i missed anything, don't hesitate to tell me about it :D

btw, yes, i will post very very very slowly, like even more slowly than a snail or tutrle bc i've unfortunately been very very busy as of late :((

"no no no no no BB by be in the na na na na BB I'll buy by by by" - my goofy ahh autocorrect, nov 15, 2022

#how do i tag lmao #send help #sagau #genshin writer #new writer here :)#watch me do a flip /hj #watch me post smth a few minutes/hours later after this lmao #genshin sagau #introducing myself #it is 3am #this is fine #intro post #made this just so i could reply to an ask 💞💞

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mousieta · 1 year

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2022 Drama Rankings: Dropped Shows

Bulgasal

Year: 2022 Country: Korea Platform: Netflix Episodes watched: 2/16 I so wanted to like this one, I was quite excited for the cast as I enjoy Lee Jin Wook, Kwon Na Ra and Lee Joon quite a bit in other shows. The premise, also, felt very Guardian-esq in a good way. I enjoy a good immortal series and Korean fantasy with a dark gritty edge? Yes, sign me up.

Unfortunately I could never get past the first two episodes. It fell victim to the trap that immediately kills my desire to continue watching a show: I started rewriting the whole thing *as* I was watching it (at least with Love in the Air the rewriting didn’t start for me until I’d seen the whole thing). But once my writer brain kicks in to redo it all, the show is done for me, its no longer fun, it is work and frustration.

I just didn’t care for the writerly choices as they felt poor and led to the overall tone of those first two episodes being very flat, emotionally. I just didn’t care about any character enough to make the flaws worth it.

Business Proposal

Year: 2022 Country: Korea Platform: Netflix Episodes Watched: 2/12 This was sharp and slick, and very cute. I made it, again, through about two episodes before I realized I just didn’t care enough to keep going. The cute felt a little too much, as though the show were depending on that and its bag of tropes rather than believable characterizations and moving plots.

The writing of what I saw seemed fine, the acting was fine, the directing was a little to into itself but it was fine. Fine, fine, fine, and in a lineup of much more compelling shows, I just didn’t feel like spending my time with fine.

F4 Boys over Flowers

Year: 2022 Country: Korea Platform: Netflix Episodes Watched: 3/16 I think I may just be Boys Over Flowersed out, y’all. Again, like Business Proposal, it was cute and fine. I made it through three episodes and just kept forgetting to watch more. I guess I don’t love BrightWin enough to watch heterosexual shenanigans.

The casting seemed spot on and I love that Thailand now has their own version which seemed to do well. I have the Korean version which was my first and the Chinese version which is my favorite and I think that’s enough F4 for me.

The Wind Blows from Longxi

Year: 2022 Country: China Platform: Viki Episodes Watched: 9/24 Of all the shows on this list - and maybe any other on my Dropped list this one and the next make me the saddest. I got quite far as well, nearly halfway. On paper, this has everything I need. The writing is good and intense with layers of conflict and constant guessing at the twists and turns of the plot. It is slick and well-directed and the acting is phenomenal. It also has a delicious staple: a tense and fraught m/m love/betrayal dynamic. This should have been catnip but for some reason I was always either too mentally tired to engage, or would get distracted watching other things. Dropping this was definitely an ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing. Hopefully, someday I’ll have the capacity for it because I think it would be an excellent and captivating binge watch.

Heroes

Year: 2022 Country: China Platform: YouTube Episodes Watched: 19/38 This is another one that dropping made me sad. It was delightful and has Baron Chen!! An OT3 Romance! Delightful DMBJ connections!! All I can say is what did it in for me was likely the platform. I don’t have the fancy YouTube so watching commercials made it impossible for my ADHD brain to keep focused on an episode, I kept getting lost in the plot (which isn’t why I was bothering to watch but would have been nice to follow) Now that it is on Viki I might give it another go when I’m in the right mood.

Strangers from Hell

Year: 2019 Country: Korea Platform: Netflix Episodes Watched: 5/10 This was so, so good. Amazing. Gripping. Twisted. Lee Dong Wook was terrifying and compelling, Im Si Wan was as good as he ever is. Everything about this was good. I am just a great big old scaredy-pants who cannot tolerate anything suspensful or scary (I never have been able to).

I did my best: I only watched on brightly lit weekends in the middle of the day, and only one episode at a time. With those restrictions I managed to make it to episode 5 before I just couldn’t take it anymore. Highly recommend if psychological horror is your jam, you will be very pleased with it, I think. I just…can’t watch anymore. Dong Wook I still love you though! I just love sleeping through the night more.

2022 Drama Reviews Masterlist

#2022 drama reviews

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projectarkquel · 8 days

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For my Tumbler Tuesday

Some things I learned from all the mistakes and bad decisions I made in my life.

1. You can’t change what you tolerate. If you let people disrespect you then they don’t have any reason to respect you at all and it applies to ALL.

2. Love yourself always. Unahin lagi ang sarili even if you tend to give 100% to everyone, always make sure to leave something for yourself so if ever the time comes that no one is willing to stay on your side you still have yourself.

3. Even superheroes has their own weaknesses. Hindi laging strong tayo. Its okay to be weak at times. Its not every time you can bear the pain, rejection and disappointment. If you can no longer carry the cross rest for a while, cry if you must-life must go on.

4. Let go of toxic people. Unfriend, block ang delete. It will bring you peace of mind.

5. Move forward and never look back. One of hardest lesson actually that even today I am having a hard time to do. Often times, its one step forward and two steps backward. Whenever I fail, I start all over again.

6. Do things that make you happy. No one can buy you happiness. Take the risk so you wont regret the things that you didn’t do. Ang hirap nung laging may “kasi ikaw eh!”, “sana talaga”, “dapat kasi” etc. Masakit to sa heart kapag laging may ganitong eksena.

7. Cherish every moment. Treat each moment as if this is your last. Do not be afraid to let your emotions be felt. Be honest with your feelings.

8. Avoid “okay lang ako” moment. Nope! Hindi ka okay and its okay to tell that. Be open about it and discuss it. Mental health is important. Don’t let sadness rule your emotions. Don’t let someone invalidate your feelings. We have our own capacity to carry our own cross, no one should ever question that.

9. Its not about the length of relationship. If someone doesn’t see you as someone they will spend their life with, they will drop you anytime- without explanation, without any guilt on their part. Yung mga gagong paasa naman utang na loob have some decency to let the other person know. Don’t keep them wondering what went wrong. They deserve to know, they deserve to sleep peacefully at night without questioning God’s intention. The pain is unbearable (maniwala kayo putang ina sa sakit ‘to).

10. Silent Time/Reflection Time. Hindi laging masaya guys! May mga pag kakataon na you will question your worth (based on personal experience ‘to), you will doubt your capacity as a person, praning moments, over thinking and having doubts. I would always tell these words “whenever I am in doubt, I just need to trust you a lil bit more”. Always remember that things may not go as what we have planned but God will never give us what we can’t bear. Iyak mo lang tapos inom ka ng vodka. Pray and ask guidance. I have survived so many heartaches sana wala na ngayon.

11. Kahit na gaano ka unfair ang mundo sayo, don’t make that as an excuse to be a bad person. Continue to live a good life, let’s believe that God will reward all our pain and sacrifices.

12. Do not assume, do not conclude. I am still on the process of mastering this. I know I will get through with this with flying colors.

13. Viu and Netflix were created for person like me. Laking tulong nito during my dark times. Binge watch if you must. One way or another it will teach you that no matter how hard life can be, there still a reason to enjoy movie and tv shows. Okay na yung ma fall in love ka sa mga characters wag lang sa maling tao.

14. Forgive yourself always. Because you are not perfect. You make bad decision, you choose the wrong people and that’s okay. Sabi nga nila charge to experience na lang. Forgive and move forward because time will come that everything will fall into place.

15. Live the life is you always wanted. During my dark times, when everything seems so wrong with myself, I realized how important my decisions are. So, after being betrayed for a couple of times, got disappointed with a lot of people, hurt by a lot of friends- I decided to cut out those people in life. Just recently, I took the courage to delete all the remaining photos and messages which bring me back to those hurtful moments. Signed up for a new social media account and added those people who just really matters. Those i miss you’s and i love you’s s does not matter anymore , those “tara labas tayo”, “tawag ako”, “punta ko dyan”, “wait mo ko” will be a just a part of the person who no longer exist. It was a good fight. With all that has been said and done, I am taking the risk to give myself the freedom to live the life I always wanted, to focus on myself and to someone I know who will bring peace and sanity to my life. ILYSB.

16. Things happen for a reason. A lot of us experience failures in life. Madalas, I always ask God bakit ako? Ang dami namang masamang tao dyan pero bakit ako. Why do I have to go through a lot of hard times na feeling ko I don’t want to live na sana isang araw matapos na kasi sobrang painful na. And then, maiisip ko na lang if those things didn’t happen, ano na kaya ako, ano na kaya tayo. Ganito pa rin ba ko ka strong, ganito pa rin ba ang personlaity. So, I have accepted that it was all in God’s plan. Those heartaches kept me from being humble and strong despite struggling emotionally, mentally and physically. I choose to live on the present. Kung may mga pag kakataon man na maiisip ko na sana ganito, sana ganyan- yun yung regrets na sana noon pa lang nag risk na ko.

17. Be careful with the people you trust because chances are they will hurt you more than anyone else.

That being said, I would still keep on praying for the things I wanted to happen and one day I will be able to say “this is what I prayed for”

Project Arkquel

#nothingbeats #self preservation #personal #1sangbagsakan #thatbeingsaid #prodigy #rockstarGF #1forthebooks

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shatterthefragments · 3 years

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Questions Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me @catholicnicky!

Hmm I'm supposed to tag 20 but I'll tag:

@kiaya, @caffeinatedbraincell, @randofando-spoonie, @cowgaykermit, @boutiquetraveltravelboutique @rhubarbdreams

If you want to play :)

1. Name/Nickname: Shatters <3

2. Gender: *shrugs noncommitedly*/nonbinary fits best

3. Star sign: okay so I took a thing and I'm going to assume that "Sun in Pisces" is this? bc i have no clue any time i look at that :eek:

4. Height: it is to my delight that I can definitely say 5'3" and not actually 5'2"! Bc I'm only a couple inches shorter than a friend and that would mean I'm taller than 5'2"!

5. Time: at the time of this Q: 12:20... ah I should get ready for bed soon... (longer by the time I post this at a little past 1 am)

6. Birthday: Feb. 26

7. Favourite Band: Currently? Maybe Polyphia? Most played currently at least. I've been vibing with Nothing But Thieves, Daughtry (again), 3OH!3 (i know), Florence + The Machine (though I have yet to do a discography playthrough yet), (ok so I'm scrolling through my saved artists for this one), The Neighbourhood, some local bands, and The Pretty Reckless lately.

8. Favourite solo artist: oh dear god. Um. Loving and/or getting back into: Rina Sawayama, Toby Fox, Ichika Nito, Tim Henson, Lil Nas X, King Princess, Hayley Kiyoko? idk it could be a lot more. But for Reasons it currently has to be Lil Nas X <3

9. song stuck in my head: because I caved and got TikTok (derogatory) because of the Chocolate Potato Cake (from 1912!) [and if you didn't just hear that in Dylan's voice you should find it on Youtube it's great] it's Maneskin's Beggin. When that's not recently heard, it varies between many other songs. If I whistle, it's usually a simple march we played in band. Maybe Soda. Maybe the hook from The Worst. Who knows~ not me!

10. last movie: either Waves or Wolf it's been so long since I've watched something. But soon hopefully Hartenstraat!

11. last show: Leverage! When I rewatched it last year or something!

12. when I created this blog: perhaps 2012 or 2013? I deleted most of my blog and started over though at around 15k posts so it may have been before that? But I don't think it was much before 2012 if so.

13. what I post: please tell me fuck if i know aaaaah whatever I see when I pop on when I have the capacity to actually reblog or queue it i guess? mostly related to whatver i'm fixated on <3 (speaking of - draining my queue for the tumblr post+ strike so that'll suck to get filled again afterwards :P)

14. last thing I googled: "Sugar and spice makes everything nice quote"

15. other blogs: theoldguardinshatters is my tog sideblog! I have some other... rather inactive blogs... not really sure I want to share them. Some are straight up empty.

16. do i get asks? not often

17. why I chose my URL: I'm a poet! jk jk (or am I?) but I wrote a poem back in middle school... actually a few versions based off the same premise/line (i was going to see if I could find it but looking back That Far in my blog is like "yeah, there's no way I'm faking my mental illness even when I fear I might be" so I'm just. not. going there. like holy shit maybe i should purge my old posts again...) But if I remember maybe I'll put what I can remember under a cut?

18. following: after swearing I'd never follow more than 100: 304. But many aren't active anymore :( (also literally me 5 yrs ago: 'oh god I follow more than 30 people I'm freaking out, it's too many!')

19. followers: 234, but who knows how many are porn bots I never really kept up back in the day

20. average hours of sleep: ...that is a good question... idk. maybe 5ish when I work and maybe 9ish when I am just me on my own?

21. lucky number: culturally: 8, personally, also: 3,7,13,17,19,23

22. instruments: formerly flute and tenor sax. I haven't exactly kept up oops >.< (so i guess rn I just whistle or hum or sometimes sing)

23. what am I wearing: shorts and a t-shirt

24. dream job: bookbinder, or some other creative pursuit that allows me to work with my hands - cake decorator? other arts? idk. maybe secretary? maybe fancy ass barista/pastry decorator? editor? illustrator? i have no clue please send suggestions <3

25. dream trip: with friends. Not having to drive the entire time. Longer than what I'm currently able to do... maybe a couple months... maybe in europe or asia? maybe just road tripping across canada. idk. It sure would be nice to see them again <3 hopefully camping with one (maybe two?) mid august-ish though! :D

26. favourite food: dim sum (bc I really miss going out with family!), sushi, desserts, pies, quiche, eggs benny, Popcorn, I'm not sure. those are also safe foods texturally usually too though.

27. nationality: canadian, half chinese.

28. favourite song: *shrugs* right now perhaps Soda or The Worst

29. last book I read: ...i don't know... maybe a reread I did of What They Always Tell Us or Martin Wilson's other book We Now Return To Regular Life last year?

30. top 3 fictional universes I would like to live in: ...fuck. I don't know. Most of the fantasy universes I read are fanfic... Maybe.... Waves Cinematic Universe - now that Gabriele has a boat, we could boat! Some universe with wings! A universe with UBI *sideeyes gvmt* Stardew Valley universe! :D

from what I can remember maybe (again - Several Versions of this were written... back in middle school...)

Shatter the fragments to see what's left Release the weight That's on your chest

There's nothing left For you to see Nothing left But apathy

#tag game #tag games #this was fun but hard!#poem snippet under the cut #long post #kinda yeah

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lettersfromthecatcave · 3 years

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"It wasn’t burnout — we still had energy. It wasn’t depression — we didn’t feel hopeless. We just felt somewhat joyless and aimless. It turns out there’s a name for that: languishing.

Languishing is the neglected middle child of mental health. It’s the void between depression and flourishing — the absence of well-being. You don’t have symptoms of mental illness, but you’re not the picture of mental health either. You’re not functioning at full capacity. Languishing dulls your motivation, disrupts your ability to focus, and triples the odds that you’ll cut back on work. It appears to be more common than major depression — and in some ways it may be a bigger risk factor for mental illness."

I guess this is what I've been feeling. For someone who has anxiety and feeling in a constant state of needing to survive day by day, the pandemic multiplied it ten-fold. Then, I was able to overcome it by being busy with work, putting up a business, discovering freelance... or so I thought. Now, I can't even fucking make a clear plan for the future because as much as we want to deny it, A LOT OF IT FALLS AS TO HOW LIFE WOULD PROGRESS.

Where should we settle? With the government, it might not be good to start a family here. Do I push for my loft home by the sea or do I move to a better country like NZ or Aus?

Should I push for non-corporate or should I stay where I am at? My major thing is maintaining HMO not for myself but for my parents. Ever since, whenever I review and weigh job offers, I always go for the better health coverage and insurance. I already have one for myself, but I can't spend 2 separate more for my parents, so I need to stay at my current company for the HMO, given the pandemic even more so. But, I am scared of the instability of everything and I don't want to be found more lost if I continue on this path not knowing if I should take on roles I don't like for career progression or choose stagnancy so I can finally study law as planned before.

Is it safe to have a kid now? I am not completely repulsed to the idea of a kid now. But, I feel it will drag on longer on the "backlogs" unless we figure out where to really settle. Ideally, again, I want to stay here in the Philippines, move to the beach but again that means needing a career that does not demand me to be at the office. Though I work from home now, for how long can this set-up stay?

Where should I invest? Tangina super big deal to at nawalan na ako ng pag-asa na makahanap ng maayos na investment. Business is not a direct investment since there's risk loss. Some of my money are on Forex, but I am not touching on any movement for that. I want to save up to invest capital on maybe a new business or a land... pero paano nga sa ganap sa bansa? I don't want to invest in something that requires my time too, like our current milk tea business kasi tangina baka mamatay na talaga ako sa ratrat na to-do list everyday.

Grabe.... analysis by paralysis na ako. Ang hirap. Kelan ba matatapos tong pandemic na to?

#mental health #thecatmeows #thoughts

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dzeikobb · 3 years

Text

20.01.2021

Leo Bersani - Homos

Monique Witting

Judith Butler

Michael Warner

Andre Gide, Jean Genet, Proust

desire for the same and desire for the lack

anticommunitarian impulses they discover in homosexual desire

The Immoralist, Sodome et Gomorrhe, Funeral Rites

how desire for the same can free us from oppresive psychology of desire as lack (a psychology that grounds sociality in trauma and castration)

a salutary devalorizing of difference

difference not as a trauma to overcome (it nourishes antagonistic relations between the sexes), but rather as a nonthreatening supplement to sameness

"Once we agreed to be seen, we also agreed to be policed"

a traditional sanctification of state authority

The Archaeology of Late Antique 'Paganism' edited by Luke Lavan, Michael Mulryan

Constructing Postmodernism By Brian McHale

reading modernistically - paranoiacally

New Criticism, New Critical institutionalization of modernism

paranoid reading is assumed to be the appropriate norm of reading

then postmodernist texts appear which assume and anticipate paranoid reading-habits

they incorporate representations of (fictional) paranoid interpretations (conspiracy theories) or paranoid reading practices, or they thematise paranoia itself, reflecting, anticipating, perhaps pre-empting actual readers' paranoid readings.

La Jalousie, Pale Fire, The Crying of Lot 49, De Lillo Running Dog/The Names/Libra, The Name of the Rose and Foucault's Pendulum

"the idea is not to discover the secret, but to construct it"

no longer an epistemological quest, but an enterprise unconstrained by criteria of truth and evidence (world-building?)

an experiment in self-conscious world-making, a cosmological matter (novel-writing enterprise is one as well)

one projects (calls into being) an entity, anticipating a response

Masons, Illuminati, Rosicrucians, Gender-LGBT

"he declares that the league exists so that people will then create it"

St Anselm ontological proof of God's existence

confusing existence in thought with existence in reality

but: they project into reality the non-existent entities

inventing nonsenses, but the public will want to pursue them if they hear of them

"we've shown the necessity of the impossible"

"we invented a non-existent Plan, and they not only believed it was real but convicted themselves that they had been part of it for ages, or rather they identified fragments of their muddled mythology as moments of our Plan"

ontological side effects of world-making: the projected world has begun to contaminate the real world

there might come a time when the projected world will supplant the real world

Frederick Jameson: Postmodernism, or The Cultural Logic of Late Capitalism

symptomatic works and diagnostic works

reflections or expressions of late-capitalist social and economic relations

diagnostic works aspire to produce some image/figure/representation of the unrepresentably complex multinational world-system in which we live

Kevin Andrew Lynch was an American urban planner and author. He is known for his work on the perceptual form of urban environments and was an early proponent of mental mapping.

cognitive mapping

Conspiracy paranoia is a recurrent cultural phenomenon especially in American political life, with successive waves of anti-Masonism, anti-Catholicism, anti-Communism etc

Hypothesis: Whenever the complexity of the social-economic system outstrips our capacity to represent it to ourselves, conspiracy theory arises to fill the gap as the "poor person's cognitive mapping"

The recurrence of crises of cognitive mapping

responses to successive crises of society's self-imagining

"fossilized" attempts at the cognitive mapping (reminds me of Deleuze and geology - paranoic geology of the psyche?)

late-capitalist high-tech versions of conspiracy and the postmodernist resurgence of traditional conspiracy theories

Constructivism's basic epistemological principle is that all our cognitive operations, including (or especially) perception itself, are theory-dependent. This means, first of all, that data do not exist independently of a theory that constitutes them as data.

Granted the theory-dependency of "facts", it follows that faithfulness to objective "truth" cannot be a criterion for evaluating versions of reality (since the truth will have been produced by the version that is being evaluated by its faithfulness to the truth, and so on, circularly). The appropriate criteria for evaluation now are, for instance, the explicitness of the version, its intersubjective accessibility, its "empirical-mindedness", i.e. its aspiration to be as empirical as possible, where empiricism is not a method but a horizon to be approached only asymptotically; and above all, the adequacy of the version to its intended purpose. In other words, constructions, or what I have been calling versions of reality, are strategic in nature, that is, designed with particular purposes in view.

cities constructed, not given or found

or are they?

Parisian structuralist narratology - Barthes, Bremond, Genette, Greimas, Todorov

21.20.2020

I have been watching protest of the Women's Strike. On my phone, at my desk, at home, later from bed. I have been unable to attend due to my deteriorating mental health condition. How to describe the feeling and the atmosphere of this protest? I will juxtapose the following:

Hierarchy - Presence - Genital - Narrative - Metaphysics - Determinacy - Construction of a world-model - Ontological certainty [modernism]

Anarchy - Absence - Polymorphous - Anti-narrative - Irony - Indeterminacy - Deconstruction of a world-model - Ontological uncertainty [postmodernism]

What I saw leads me to believe that I should associate my perception of protests with the latter column.

A plot: events arranged in temporal sequence, a causal motivation for the sequence

modernism and postmodernism not as period styles, one of them current and the other outdated, more like alternative stylistic options between which contemporary writers are free to choose without that choice necessarily identifying them as either avant-garde or arriere-garde.

The dissolution of the library and the world

And then collecting the fragments (relics) of the burned library

What if the library does not burn, but is flooded?

What if it dissolves into a flood of meaningless text

An overflow of meanings leading to the ultimate loss of all meaning

An overabundance of points and places in the map causing the map to become illegible

Alain Robbe-Grillet: Instead of having to deal with a series of scenes which are connected by causal links, one has the impression that the same scene is constantly repeating itself, but with variations"

"narrative as a systematic application of the logical fallacy denounced by scholasticism under the formula post hoc, ergo propter hoc"

"a complex web of responses to and repetitions of earlier works, visual and textual, creative and critical" (isn't any text/work such a web?)

Gradiva - Novel by Wilhelm Jensen

Topologie d'un cite phantome Robber-Grillet

"a narrative which has abandoned any sense of progress and explores the past as a set of variations on a split and dispersed present"

Vigo-Atlantis on the connecting point of three continents-islands

it is inundated in never-stopping rain

Ruins of Warsaw after World War 2 turned into a closed-off monument and after the fall of communism, into a "tragedy-amusement park", somewhat like Westerplatte

a participant of the Warsaw Uprising and a young Jew-Robinson (a descendant of other Robinsons) who survived hiding in ruins until present time both emerge and react differently: the insurgent tries to kill tourists thinking they are Germans and is killed by security himself and the Robinson goes back to hiding, understanding that the world has experienced an apocalypse and a new world has emerged, in which there is no place for him.

22.01.2020

Właśnie przechodzę przez kolejny nawrót depresji, nie stać mnie na terapię, nie jestem w stanie z kimkolwiek rozmawiać, nienawidzę stanu, w którym jest moja skóra i ciało, za bardzo się wstydzę, by naprzykrzać się komukolwiek opowiadaniem o moich problemach, mam za mało pieniędzy, prawie nie mam pracy, nie mam dokąd uciec, nie mogę nawet wyjechać za granicę, rzuciłem studia po raz piąty w życiu i ignoruję te kilka osób, którym jeszcze choć trochę na mnie zależy.

#2021 #dzeikobb #postmodernism #modernism

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uhselena · 5 years

Text

Les’ talk about it:

The anonworld thrived during an era where Tumblr itself was thriving. 2012 to 2015 (possibly even late 2011, making it like any other institution of four years). Who were we? Adolescences at best. Ranging from high school to higher education. So let’s say the average anon was 16 to 26 years old. This formating worked because we were all confused millennials with out-of-the ordinary mental disorders that lead us to the gateway of having the ability to give advice to those that were going through a difficult time. Wow, we actually had a job? Statistically proven, it is easier to share your problems with a stranger whether it is unbiased feedback, or it is someone who doesn’t have the capacity to judge you at full length. We took up a face of a celebrity to stay anonymous so people feel more free to express their distress from their personal lives. Were we professional psychiatrists? Hell no. But we sure as hell acted like it. Finding a common interest between us formed a society, and sadly more often than not that common ground was our personalized instability. Of course in every society comes a hierarchy.

We had the elites. The anons that everyone knew by their username as well as their actual first names. Talk about fimilarity. These were usually anons that created themes, and helped format the anonworld to become its best version it could have been. Then the second in command that were known because of their association to the elites. If you were in with them, you were in with majority of the anonworld. Hello yeah, I was one of them. I was controversial as hell, but the way I gave advice to those that asked for it was grade A, and that’s what helped me rise to popularity. During this time, a lot of the anons forgot why we started this community in the first place. They did their bit to post hotlines (suicide prevention, sexual abuse, emotional distress, etc.) on their blogs, but that’s as far as they commited. Only little of us stayed up throughout the night to calm a person down because they were contemplating to self harm or to end it all. Little of us actually published our expertise on what to do when you think a significant other is cheating on you, your parental figures not knowing your sexual orientation, the failing grade, the losing of your virginity, social constructs that bind us to ideologies that we never wanted to be bound to. This was a 911 operator job, or so it was.

And while we, for some reason got exhausted by the fake messages we recieved to get help (usually trolls), or figured that there was no reason to post advice because about 105+ other anons did it for us, we found comfort in ourselves to start relationships between us. Talk about Catfish central. Tinder? Hell na, it was ALL about Anonworld. I remember I got catfished once by another popular anon, and it was crazy. It wasn’t your Thanksgiving family dinner on here, it was Thanksgiving, Christmas and an Easter family reunion. But I also formed the best friendships on here that to this day I still keep in contact with. But we never talk about the anonworld. Yeah we mention it from time to time but it’s sort of a taboo now. A stigma surrounded by our cringy angst teenage years. So, why’d it all crash and burn?

Maturity at best? As we grew, we realized mental disabilities were too serious for us to even phantom an explanation of why someone feels a certain way. For ourselves, we no longer had the option to hide online as we became adults, and needed to find help and a supportive system in the real world. We grew up. Needed to get jobs, start a family (Like holy shit, I’m married!!!!), continue our education. Things were changing on Tumblr too, like any social media it goes through fluctuations of audience. But, why did the generation after us not succeed to rebuild what we worked so hard on?

No guidance? How do you rebuild something that was destroyed after the greatest succession? That’s like asking to rebuild the Ottoman Empire with a teaspoon. But every revision has another edition. The new generation failed because they believed following in our footsteps of just recreating emotionless relationships and fake friendships through gifs of celebrities were enough to keep the movement going. The new generation tried to revive the dead horse that’s been kicked too many times instead of investing it’s time on a new “horse”. This community was so broad, with so many possibilites. But creating new possibilites takes extreme effort, effort that sometimes we ourselves have never experienced. And nobody really wants to take that responsibility because there’s always the risk of failing.

Is this the end? Like the end END? I encourage you guys to push your limits to try something new. I come back on this tag every so often, and all I see is “I’m bored, someone talk to me!” Why? Why are you so important to form a conversation with? “Is there anyone even on here?” Make a reason for us to come back. And if not the OG cast, make a reason for new people to join the community.

Thank you guys for taking the time to read this. I still have a slither of hope in my heart that this isn’t the end. But I’ve been holding out for a long time. Rest in power Adam Evan, and everyone that has lost their lives through this community or were once a part of it. You’re always with us. 💝

#anonworld #anonshit #anontalk #anonfuck #anonymousworld #anonlove #anonhate #anonask #anonymousask

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raymookie · 7 years

Text

Living abroad.

...it’s the worst decision I’ve ever made and now I’m stuck, haha. Kidding. That would be an awful way to begin. I’ve received a few messages from people asking me about living abroad, how I’m doing it, what’s it like, etc. I wrote this to answer as many of those questions as possible. I hope it’s helpful and entertaining.

Why do it?

Living outside of the United States has given my life new meaning and a better understanding of the world around me on a macro and micro level. Equally as important as understanding the world around me - the people, politics, relationships and their inter-relatedness - I understand myself a lot more. The most empowered, self-assured, and knowledgeable individuals I have ever met have spent some time abroad which is why I am so adamant that people spend some time abroad. I’m still figuring life out, don’t get me wrong, but because I’ve had so many different life experiences I’m more confident and aware of my capacity as a leader. I’m also more certain of my abilities because they have been demonstrated in domestic and international contexts under varying circumstances. Whenever I have an interview my experience abroad is always brought up, and it serves as the perfect canvas on which to paint the story of my life. So if you want to read people’s minds, make them want you, or find out what makes them tick, book the next one-way ticket to Venezuela and never look back. Traveling will change yo life son!

baby pineapples & mangoes. treat yo body right. food market in vedado, havana.

Connect with the locals

The first time I traveled out of the United States it was to study abroad for a year in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I had never even been to Mexico and it’s right next door! Some people will say that it’s crazy to venture somewhere you’ve never been, especially for a whole year! “But what if you don’t like it?” they say. “I heard it’s dangerous there!” Those same people live in the same place their entire lives, taking their biennial cruise to Ensenada, and staying in a hotel full of Americans each time. That, I don’t understand. I’m not saying you have to dipset to the Congo and live in a hut with the pygmies but get out of your comfort zone. If you’re going to Mexico, hang out with the Mexicans who live there! If you’re going to the Bahamas make a day trip with a Bahamian! Spend time with people from other countries and have experiences that you can’t have at home. There is nothing like spending time with people in their homeland to make you realize how silly our fears and prejudices are. We all have them but it is a choice whether we choose to live with them or educate ourselves. We are all the same in this crazy world! That is my biggest takeaway from living abroad: that we are all essentially the same. You’ve probably heard me say this before but I repeat it because it’s true! We all want to be safe, happy, and have fun but most importantly, we want to be loved. The connections I make with people across the globe continually remind me of this and give me fresh perspectives on the world, so I encourage you to take a risk and travel somewhere new. You won’t regret it!

my friends do it right. ballwall with some cubanos!

because I talk to everyone...rooftop bar on el prado.

A little bit about ya boiii

I graduated from Pepperdine University in 2015 with a BA in International Studies and a minor in Spanish. I speak English, Spanish, Portuguese and I’m currently studying Japanese. I just moved to Kawakami, Nagano in Japan and I am working for the JET Program. Technically I am employed by Japan’s Board of Education but I applied through the JET Program.

International Timeline

2012, September - 2013, April - Studied abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina

2015, April - Graduated from Pepperdine

2015, May - June - Studied abroad in Madrid, Spain

2015, June - September - Went backpacking through Europe

2016, February - December - Taught English in Campinas, Brazil through the Fulbright Program

2016, June - Cuba for two weeks

2017, June - Present - Teaching English in Kawakami, Nagano, Japan

Pepperdine University has several satellite campuses around the world which made studying abroad for me easy. I filled out the simplest application and sent it to the Office of International Relations at my university, and...voilà! OK it wasn’t that simple but it was very easy. I had to write a personal essay and the rest was filling in data about myself, very similar to the Fulbright ETA Program. With that being said, I am not the best resource for study abroad programs but I know of a few post-grad grants and scholarships for teaching or doing research abroad.

me and my woes somewhere in cuba.

pretend that I’m Adam and that plate is a cheap flight. I know you want it.

Is living abroad difficult?

Yes, this shit is hard. A lot of articles you find online will sugarcoat this part but it needs to be discussed more. Depression is commonplace when living abroad for months or years at a time. If you or someone you know decides to move abroad for an extended period of time they are most likely going to become depressed at some point, but there are ways to combat it and even prevent it from happening.

From my experience, there are several reasons why people get depressed abroad.

When a person moves to a new country there is a period of time spent practically in isolation. It is not always physical isolation, however. Even when you’re with people, you’re still kind of...well, by yourself. You’re the new guy/girl and people are fascinated by you. You’re unable to effectively communicate who you are to the people around you who’ve already begun to assign attributes to you. You’re almost like a mermaid - you’ve just rode into shore on this big, crystal wave and everyone is obsessed with you, but no one really believes that you’re real. People just want to look at you, poke you in the belly, listen to your funny accent. You will meet your fans though, the ones who have been dreaming of this day their entire lives. “I LOVE AMERICAAA”, they’ll scream. They might even connect you with their other mermaid friends - the teacher from Canada or the photographer from New Zealand. This can be good because sometimes the transition is too much to bear alone and you need to speaka da English with other gringos. Let it out! But don’t lose sight of the goal: you are there to become fluent in another culture.

You spend a lot of time at home alone in the beginning while you struggle to make sense of the new world around you. You’ll get exhausted from the smallest of tasks, but rest assured, this is normal. Your brain is working in overtime! But get off your ass and get moving. Get involved in something. It doesn’t matter what it is, but sign up and attend, especially if you’re not naturally a social person. The longer you put off getting involved in something, the harder it will be later on. Being active is also very important to your mental health. Running has saved me from the pits of despair on several occasions which is why I always encourage people to join a sports team or fitness group to keep you accountable. You need to release those endorphins! Explore the area you’re living in and don’t be afraid to spark up conversation with the locals. You’d be surprised how many people get excited at the opportunity to practice English. This is also an easy way to make friends and cure your loneliness, even if for a day. Also, just say yes! If someone invites you somewhere, say yes! Even it’s to the grocery store. I’ve been on so many unnecessary grocery store trips abroad just because I needed to get out of the house and be with people. It sounds silly but believe me, any little bit helps and it often leads to another adventure.

las cervezas nunca acaban. still at the rooftop bar

these boys will walk you up the stairway to travel heaven <3

But baby it’s worth it (na na nanana na naaa)

Living abroad, like anything of value in this world, requires hard work and sacrifice. Most importantly, endurance. It’s like I work overtime every day because I am putting in extra work to learn a new language and become culturally competent. I could live like an American while I was away - only speak English, ignore the customs of my host country, act entitled to everything - but I am driven by a desire to understand and unite people. Perhaps this is American...I don’t know, but the reward you get from just trying is priceless. I don’t want to say my life is more fun than yours but it really is...truly (Joannethescammer voice). The lows are low but the highs are really, really high. You have to risk it to get the biscuit! I want this for you, cookie! It seems crazy the first time but once you realize how easy it is you’ll be hooked. My decision to study abroad in Buenos Aires was very spontaneous, especially considering my major was English at the time, but it was the decision that changed the entire trajectory of my life. I’ll be catchin flights ‘til the day I die.

when people ask if I’m cultured...lol. this is before the thunderstorm shut us in! dope place to wait for a storm to pass. museo de arte experimental in old town, havana.

Raymookie Banzo,

over & out

#travel #nomad #nomadlife #study abroad #zoom #canon #canonphotography #cuba #havana #international #blacktravelfeed #afropunk #afro #art #beer #jetset #about me

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thememorandumblog · 6 years

Text

Things I want to tell the person who I miss a lot and I wish all the best

This thing isn’t going to be proofread, so please forgive all the grammar and syntax errors :p

Also I know you deadass said NO REPLYING back to your letter, but like, I feel like I deserve to share my side of my story and the updates in my life. But also this is a great way to relief stress and actually confront what i’ve been feeling and thinking about for a long long long time.

Also I just wanted to use to time to talk to you, because I miss that a lot.

And I know that this might trigger you, so I’m gonna give you every opportunity to not read this by filling up space with the lyrics of iconic songs.

So if you need to preserve yourself, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT.

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ME!

Don’t scroll down if it’s only going to hurt you.

But I hope you are doing okay! I’ll be fine, but life is life, ya know?

I just feel like you deserve a response for the better.

Also, like you trust me, don’t share this with anyone else

"Deepthroat"

Hump me, fuck me

Daddy better make me choke (you better)

Hump me, fuck me

My tunnel loves a deep throat (it do)

Lick, lick, lick, lick (I lick)

I want to eat your dick (I do)

But I can't fuck up my nails (I can't)

So I'mma pick it up with chopsticks

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Mouth wide open like I was at the dentist

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Put it so deep, I can't speak a sentence

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Mouth wide open like I was at the dentist

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence

My fingers in it, gentle (yeah)

Explore this nigga mental

I'mma write my name on his dick (his dick)

Don't need a pen or a pencil (no I don't)

All I need is my body (my body)

My pussy pink just like salami (ooh!)

Don't need no drink to get naughty (no)

'Cause bitch I'm not Bill Cosby (I'm not)

My pussy mean, and it's clean (It is)

I'm not a squirter, I cream (squirt squirt!)

Keep it smelling like baby wipes

I never smell like sardines (ew!)

This will never fucking end (It won't)

Ballerina that dick when I spin (I spin)

I fucked this nigga so good

I ain't swallow one kid, I think I swallowed twins

Hump me, fuck me

Daddy better make me choke (you better)

Hump me, fuck me

My tunnel loves to deep throat (it do)

Lick, lick, lick, lick (I lick)

I want to eat your dick (I do)

But I can't fuck up my nails (I can't)

So I'mma pick it up with chopsticks

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Mouth wide open like I was at the dentist

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Put it so deep, I can't speak a sentence

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Mouth wide open like I was at the dentist

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open

Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence

Just come put it down my butt (my butt)

Let's shoot a movie, no cuts

Ride the dick, get my nipples licked

That's breastfeeding while we fuck (thirsty)

Finna get the dick wet and firm (firm)

You better sweat me out of my perm (my perm)

Can't wait 'til it's my turn

I wanna blow bubbles with sperm (right now)

Wanna hit it from the back

Let me arch my back

Once I arch my back

That mean attack this pussy

Don't need a porn star 'cause I'm the moderin (no)

I'mma spit on his dick sound like I'm gargling

Make him bust three nuts, is the task

My panties stuck in my ass

So I pulled them down to show him the pearl

Made his pubic hairs curl fast

Fuck this pussy

Come fuck this pussy

Fuck this pussy

Come fuck this pussy

Nuneul ttel suga eopseo

Neowa naui Eclipse

Nae nuneman boideon neo

Sondael su eopsi wiheom haessdeon

Woo boy

Nae mamdo

Neoege jakku deo kkeullyeo

Sarangi mwoga mwonji

A to Z ajikdo molla

Geunyang neoege ppajyeoissgo sipeo

Neoreul hyanghae manyang joreugo sipeun mam

Niga joha nan Cool

Il bun il cho nae saenggageun jeonbu

Neoro gadeuk Baby I'm Full

Jeomjeom tteugeopgo

Jeomjeom mot mallyeo

Jeomjeom dagaga

Simjangi ttwieo Cool

Eotteokhae na Cool

Ireon nae mam

Woo

Meonjeo gobaekhallae

Oh boy maeil nun tteun sunganbuteo

Baro saenggaknan neoran saram My boy

Neon eonjebuteo nae mam soge deureowassni Uh

Hey you

Chagawossdeon naega deowojyeo Wow

Sarangi mwoga mwonji

[Lyrics from: https:/lyrics.az/odd-eye-circle/mix-match/girl-front.html]

A to Z nado jal molla

Jakkuman nae mam neoegeman kkeullyeo

Neoreul hyanghae banjjak biccnago sipeun mam

Niga joha nan Cool

Il bun il cho nae saenggageun jeonbu

Neoro gadeuk Baby I'm Full

Jeomjeom tteugeopgo

Jeomjeom mot mallyeo

Jeomjeom dagaga

Simjangi ttwieo Cool

Eotteokhae na Cool

Ireon nae mam

Woo

Meonjeo gobaekhallae

Kkeuti eopsneun gose nama

Ojik neowa danduri

Heuryeojiji anhneun gieok

Oh kkaegi silheun eoje bamcheoreom

All Night

Ireon nae mami Cool

Geujeo geujeo nae mami ganeun gos

Niga issneun nan geogie

Jeomjeom gakkai

Jeomjeom nae gyeote

Jeomjeom dagaga

Simjangi ttwieo Cool

Sikhyeojullae Cool

Naega meonjeo

Woo

Saranghanda malhae

Okay those are the only two songs lmao

But like me take up more space

[OKAY THIS IS THE PART WHERE I TELL ALL, SO PLEASE READ ONLY WHEN YOU’RE READY]

Okay hey sister lol

Thanks for the letter via Tumblr. I really appreciate it. I miss talking to you so much, because you are one of the few people that just gets it. Though you are a Scorpio, and I am a Sagittarius, I feel like we are one in the same. It’s like Gay PEMDAS right? The quadratic equation, but for emotional expression? The law of conversation of energy and mass, but like for gays who don’t know how to act?? No shade obviously because i am @ing myself.

But to quickly get to your question about whether or not I am alright, the answer is complicated.

Like I know I will be okay. I know it deep in my heart. But the constant battle with depression and anxiety clouds my vision so much. I’ve always experienced a sense of emptiness in my life. Like not deep sorrow, although I have definitely felt that, but like an absence of any emotion to the point that everything is numb and i dissociate into a void. Sometimes I feel like I only exist physically, but my mind is elsewhere. Locked away. Okay that was dramatic, but I am such a dramatic gay. It’s funny how other gay-PIAS have called me “mysterious” or “artsy” or some shit like that. In reality, I’m just depressed. But like none of this was because of my social interactions in college. It’s brain chemistry and shit, which sucks. And yes, to get all public health, I do realize there are a lot of ~*social determinants of health*~ that play into it. We stan. But that’s neither here or there for this conversation.

This semester has been a lot for me for a variety of reasons. I have been having troubling coping with it all or even internalizing what’s going on around me. This semester is tough, and I don’t feel quite like myself. Are the planets misaligned or something? Things are just different for no reason, and that’s frustrating as fuck. Could that possibly be the growing pains of senior year at a university that I didn’t really want to go to? IDK but like I’m still having tons of fun regardless (take that depression and anxiety!) Life is a lot of ups and downs, and I’m just trying to roll with it one day at a time. That’s what my sister told me in times where I was so unsure about myself. And it helps out a lot.

And yeah, I dropped UAAO co-chair lmao

It was just too fucking much in the sense that I can no longer be an advocate for the community because I do not have the emotional or mental capacity to do that. Also I felt like I was expected to take on that role, and that pressure mislead me to run. I’m really glad my board is empathic and understands why I chose to step down. I’m just really tired of it all, and I know it’s for the best. I still love hanging out with the people I’ve made close friends with tho! There is a lot going on to why I dropped, but maybe if we hang out in person, I can tell you more. Otherwise, this letter would be super fucking long.

Also one of the reasons why I seem to be not alright is because our public health classes kinda suck this year lmao Like what are we learning, and like, is it over?

I remember one time in Vic’s class when we were talking about mental health, we went over the concept of social support. And then A** proceeded to have a self-indulged circle jerk of one yet again. Like we get it! You vote! Trump sucks! What else is new??!??!!? The United States is a colonial, imperialistic entity! We knew!!

Anyway, the point is that I really miss talking to you. I totally agree that we connect on a level that is different than anyone else here at UMich. Like besides the fact we both are extremely and utterly homosexual, our minds… I miss that I can make super specific pop culture references, and you immediately get it and vice versa. I really just want to watch rupaul’s drag race in the fishbowl on full volume because it’s that’s what we call justice for gay rights.

But beyond the connections with all the pop culture shit we consume on the day-to-day, our friendship meant so much to me. Tbh, my immediate first impression of you in the Markley dorm was that I wanted to be friends with you. And I’m glad I was. And hopefully, we can be friends again, because I would really really really like that.

I appreciate the fact that it just made perfect sense that we were good friends. We kinda just got each other. And honestly, our friendship helped me come out to myself and become the gay I knew I always was. The other day Colin, called me a top-tier gay, and that made me smile because I think you and I are highkey top-tier gays in the A/PIA world. No one can tell me otherwise, or that’s kinda homophobic :/ I’ve always felt honored that you thought so highly of me. And honestly, I feel like the only opinion I care about in terms of UAAO leadership is yours (and my ex-chair Kathie lmao oh and Lloyd because obviously Lloydsey.)

Our friendship made me feel unstoppable honestly. Like no matter what happens, I know that you always had my back and would actually fight. And I still sort of feel that even if we aren’t as close as we used to be. And tbh, that feeling of invincibility is super rare for me. Because opposite to you, I’m afraid of a lot of things. I overthink a lot of things because of that.

Khang, I’m deeply sorry for what happened between us. Maybe I should have been more up-front or maybe I should have said something or maybe I should have realized. I don’t know. I wish none of this or that ever happened. And I’m sorry I didn’t feel the same although you told me at the FASA party that I have no reason to feel sorry. I still do. That’s just me. I will always feel guilty for hurting someone so close to me. But also don’t feel sorry for me either that I feel sorry if that makes sense. Which I don’t know if anything I am saying right now makes sense.

And I’m glad you are doing a lot better! It’s what you deserve. When I think about you, I can only think about the good in your heart... That and all the gay porn you posted on your finsta.

I don’t want our friendship to be a memory. It would be so great to make new memories and repeat some of the great ones. Screaming the lyrics to Deepthroat. Talking shit. Sadako lunch! Mason hall classrooms. How SPH undergrad kinda blows but that’s okay lol. And there is so much I want to talk to you about. I want to talk about boys with you. I want to talk about career aspirations and shit. And like just exist as friends.

Also, my break-up with that one person has been a motherfucking nightmare, I feel like you would have some good insight on what I should do, because girl… *Laganja voice* THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH.

However, what I want most of all is to know that you are okay and thriving. And if that means there is going to have to be some space between us, then I completely understand. Although it kinda makes me sad that you sometimes have to ignore me in real life, I completely understand. I want nothing more than your happiness and well-being. I can wait as long as humanly possible. And even if that means we ultimately won’t be friends, then that’s fine. At least I know that you are doing well in life! I want you to pursue your mission to be fully present and not to worry about the uncertain future.

I feel like I’ll be fine. Who can never be sure? JK I know I will hopefully akdjlfaslfjasklfjaslkfdjklasjflaksjfdas;kfdjasl;fjaslk;fjd

If what you said in your letter is still a thing--the part about me needing a friend, then I would love to take you up on that offer. Because I could always use a friend like you in any way you feel is best for you. I mean, I fucking miss when you send me videos, memes, and things that would never fail to make me laugh.

I’ll always be rooting for you! And I feel like you will always root for me too. And that makes me glad we’ve crossed paths.

xxxxxxx

P.S. Sorry if any of this does not make sense. I’m just so random xD

P.S.S. Also please don’t share any of this to anyone. WE HAVE AN UNOFFICIAL DEAL BECAUSE WE BOTH OF WRITING TUMBLRS

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journalingthisjourney · 6 years

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How to Truly Outsmart Your Addiction to Drugs

Here is how to truly outsmart your alcoholism or your addiction to drugs or anything else:

Go ask for help.

That’s it. That is how you outsmart the addiction. Go ask another human being to help you with it. Period.

Any other answer to this question is going to be wrong. Anything else means that you are still trying to figure out how to overcome your own denial, which doesn’t even make sense. Any other answer means that you are trying to use your own mind to conquer your diseased thinking.

Addiction is a disease of the brain. Addiction tells is that we are unique, that we are different, that we are not wired like all of these other addicts and alcoholics are. We are special because we are the one person on the planet that truly loves drugs and alcohol as much as we do. All of these recovering addicts and alcoholics must not really love the buzz as much as we do, otherwise they would still be self medicating like we are, right? We are the one true addict in this world. Everyone else is just faking it.

That is how our mind works when it is trying to reason through our addiction and make sense of it.

Or we create limits for ourselves in order to try to control our intake. We switch from liquor to beer and think that is a solution to our problem of blacking out and losing control on a regular basis. To an addict or alcoholic, switching from one drug to another–or from one form of a drug to another–is a viable solution. This is madness.

You cannot outsmart your addiction using your own thinking. That doesn’t even make sense. The broken thinking is the addiction. That’s the whole problem. Our thought process is screwed up and it is wired for destruction. You cannot heal your life by using an addictive mind to fix it.

So the way to outsmart your addiction is completely counter-intuitive. Instead of thinking harder and harder about how to beat it, you have to take a step back and remove yourself from the problem in a way. This is what they mean when they say “give yourself a break” and surrender.

Because up until this point you have been carrying the whole burden of figuring out how to navigate your life, your sanity, and your drug intake. It has all been on your shoulders and you have been responsible for all of it.

Think of your brain power in two categories: You have the part that figures out the plan, and then you have this other part that executes the plan.

You have the problem solving part of your brain, and then you have the part that executes. The thinker and the doer.

One part can come up with a solution, and then the other part can execute a solution.

It just so happens that the problem of alcoholism or drug addiction is so big and so complicated and so difficult that one human brain, no matter how smart and powerful that brain may be, cannot fully do both things. It cannot find a solution and also execute that solution.

The truth is that your brain has the capacity to do one of these two things. Every alcoholic or drug addict can, in fact, devise a solution that would keep them clean and sober. However, after using that brain power to get to that conclusion, they have nothing left to execute their plan with. All of the willpower that existed with which to execute a plan had to be used up in order to create it in the first place.

Now you might be wondering: Is this really true? Are we limited in willpower after we use up our brain to create a solution for ourselves?

I would answer that with: Look around the world and draw your own conclusion. Look at successful people in addiction recovery and ask them this question: “Did you have any help, or did you just figure out recovery all by yourself?”

If you ask a dozen people that question I believe you will get at the real truth: No one can both figure out recovery and also execute on it. It is too much.

Therefore, to get back to the point, the only way to truly outsmart your addiction is to completely outsource the part where you figure out what to do in order to beat it.

Why? Because if you don’t have to worry about the plan for recovery, then you can dedicate 100 percent of your energy into executing a plan.

It is just that simple. Don’t waste any mental energy or time on figuring out how to recover. It’s not necessary. Others have already figured out recovery and they can guide you through it quite easily. All you have to do is to show up and do what they tell you to do.

Who is “they,” you ask? The people at inpatient treatment, the therapist, the sponsor in AA or NA, and the peers in recovery.

Here it is in a nutshell: Stop taking your own advice, and listen only to those who can guide you in your recovery.

In other words: Get out of your own way. Stop making decisions entirely.

Furthermore, I would argue that you should make a firm commitment to yourself, that you will not make any real decisions within the first year of your sobriety. Period.

You make an agreement with yourself that you no longer get to decide anything of significance at all! Period. Just remove yourself from the responsibility of decision making. Hang your life over to AA, to rehab, to sponsors, to therapists, to your peers in recovery.

That’s it. That is how you outsmart addiction.

I know that this is the solution because I did this exactly as described here over 16 years ago. I made this agreement with myself that I would not make any of my own decisions for the first year, that I would outsource all of my decisions to the people I trusted, and I would see where that got me.

And before that first year was over I was amazed. It was like I had discovered a magic trick that actually worked! My life just kept getting better and better.

This is the real secret of recovery.

Hand your life over those you trust, hand your decisions over to therapists and sponsors and people with significant clean time, and watch as your life begins to get better and better and better. It truly is amazing.

But in order to do this, you have to let go and you have to trust. You have make that leap of faith that says “I don’t know if these people really have my happiness in mind, I don’t know if they have my best interest in mind, but I am going to trust them anyway because when I make my own decisions I just screw things up and become miserable.” And then you let go and you actually start taking advice, and your life gets better and better every day.

Try it!

The post How to Truly Outsmart Your Addiction to Drugs appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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bobbiejwray · 6 years