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The Contract :: CS Omegaverse :: Ch 7

Title: The Contract Rating: E Summary: Emma had never wanted much in her life, despite being married to one of the richest men in the world. For ten years she has felt like a prisoner in her own marriage, denied the one thing she wants the most, but her husband cannot help but bargain her want like a cheap business deal. Enter Killian Jones, the Alpha her husband has hired to make sure she gets what she wants. And then some.

AO3 - Ko-Fi (100% of coffee’s bought go towards buying @adognamedkillian toys and treats!)

A/N: Chapter 7!!! It comes with some trigger warnings i’m afraid, because I am just that kind of writer *evil grin* TW: domestic abuse. I don’t know what else to call it without giving anything away, which i do not want to do. As always, if in doubt, message me. This chapter has the answers everyone has been waiting for, and some other good news! Ch 8 is already done!

Fantastic artwork by @kmomof4 so give her some love and beta’d by the lovely @hollyethecurious And as ever, thank you to all the ladies in Discord! Thanks ladies!

This is an Omegaverse fic featuring A/B/O dynamics. Whilst this varies from fandom to fandom, for the purposes of my fic, there will be no mpreg. Just so you know. There will however be knotting, breeding, heats and other delicious things that come along with A/B/O. If you do not know what A/B/O is, feel free to message me :) Many thanks to @hollyethecurious @shardminds @kmomof4 @darkcolinodonorgasm @resident-of-storybrooke and @ineffablecolors for letting me bounce my complicated ideas of you lol

If you wish to stay away from this fic, blacklist the A/B/O tag.

Taglist: I’ll be honest, i have lost my taglist for this fic, so if you want a tag, please message me here on on discord (Salem #5158/ [email protected]) and I’ll add you! I’ve tagged the following people i KNOW want to read this, but i don’t want to accidentally tag you if you do not like ABO.

@hollyethecurious @shardminds @kmomof4 @resident-of-storybrooke @darkcolinodonorgasm @thisonesatellite @xemmaloveskillianx @hookedonapirate @teamhook @winterbaby89 @carpedzem @courtorderedcake @profdanglaisstuff @itsfabianadocarmo @donteattheappleshook @ultraluckycatnd @jennjenn615

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A week was going to be far too long. It was only seven days but in the grand scheme of things, Emma worried that it might feel like forever without the Alpha she was now sure she was in love with. Of course, she hadn’t told him that. Like an idiot, once he had declared his feelings, she had pretended she was asleep and let him pull her harder into his embrace where she had spent the rest of the night. Morning had come and he was gone but she didn’t blame him. After all, she was well aware that Graham was having the apartment watched, making sure that neither of them broke the terms of his precious contract.

Maybe this was a blessing. Maybe they had been spending too much time together. As much as Emma wanted her bastard husband to be wrong, maybe he was right. For the next seven days she was to accompany Ruby to a very exclusive spa where they would get some much needed rest and relaxation, or so Graham had told her. In truth, he had been angry at how much time she was spending with Killian, his loyal henchmen having told on them and their extra meetings. She should have known. Graham was far too connected to not find out, and Emma had only agreed to go with Ruby because she was afraid of confirming the reality of his paranoia.

Emma did have feelings for Killian. They were more than she had ever felt before, powerful and robust and she was sure that not even seven days apart would change them. The time would be perfect for her to process her own feelings, and how to let Killian know that she felt the same. Emotions had ever been her strongest point, and to play along with his little game, Emma had told Graham that she would be glad to get away from all the men in her life, which also meant, however, that she had to be careful of what she told Ruby. Best friend or not, she was still a spy for Graham and she had no doubt that Ruby would sing like a songbird given half the opportunity.

All Emma had to do now was tell Killian.

It would crush him to see her gone. Emma knew what it meant for an Alpha to declare their love for another. Most of the time they never did until they were sure they had found that perfect someone, but she had never known a single Alpha to pair with a Beta as their mate. Ever. That was half of the confusion currently swirling around inside Emma’s head. She was a Beta, and a broken one at that, illness rife within her body, and she was damn sure she wasn’t worth the love of any Alpha, let alone one so perfect.

She paced up and down the apartment, stopping briefly to draw the curtains. The metal rings scraped across the metal rail, but the sound was quickly drowned out when a car sped passed outside. Emma pulled one curtain back a little in case it had been Killian, but the bright red tail lights at the end of the street dashed her hopes in a second. With a sigh, she shut the curtain again and resumed her steady pacing around the apartment.

She had never been a worrier before, but suddenly she felt herself apprehensive for Killian’s arrival. Years of mental control at the hands of a so-called husband would do that to anyone, but rationally Emma knew that whatever she had to say, Killian would be okay with. In a way, she kind of agreed with Graham, not because she thought they needed to be apart, but because they had been spending so much time together even she was starting to realise that she only smiled when she heard Killian’s voice. Graham was a lot of things, but he was not blind.

Emma only wanted to tell Killian one thing; that she felt the same way and she would be back with the same feelings in her heart.

Her attachment to Killian had become so much lately that she didn’t even recognize herself anymore. She had become someone else, someone liberated and where she had previously been quick to argue, she was now willing to accept whatever pleasure or punishment was dealt out to her. Killian had awakened that inside of her, and she was not ready to let it go. She knew Graham would never give her a divorce, but over the last few hours she had found herself trying to fabricate ways of getting rid of him for good.

A soft knock on the door woke her from her murderous daydream and she was up and racing towards the door before she had even looked in that direction. She knew it was Killian. She could smell him, even through the door, cedarwood and sea salt with a dash of darkness that only she had been privy to. She grabbed the door handle and pulled hard, the wooden panel jumping from the frame without a single sound. She gasped, because somewhere between drawing the curtains and plotting her husband’s death, it had rained, obvious by the fact that Killian now stood in her doorway dripping wet.

He was out of breath having raced from his car, but had been unable to avoid the downpour. His clothes were soaked, clinging to every definition of muscle that Emma could see, his dark blue t-shirt moving with every heave of his chest. Her eyes moved down, over the outline of his bulge now defined by the dampness of his pants and she felt herself suddenly become short of her own breath. When she looked back up to his face, hair dishevelled and clinging to his forehead, she noticed a drip as it fell from the tip of his nose and his eyes were wide with worry, the blue much brighter than she remembered as he searched her face for an answer.

“Emma,” he whispered, like it was the only word he could say. It held so much meaning, a question he needed to know the answer too, but as he searched her face for what he sought, Emma burst into tears.

Killian was over the threshold in a heartbeat, slamming the door behind him just before clutching her face in his hands and dipping his head down to attract her gaze again. Watery eyes tried to focus on his features but Emma couldn’t speak. All she could do was shake her head to tell him something was wrong, and Emma grabbed his hands, holding them to her face in an attempt to keep his warmth on her skin. Even after standing in the rain he was hot, a true Alpha trait, and Emma felt herself immediately calmed by his touch.

“Shh, my love,” Killian said calmly, stroking his thumbs over her cheeks to wipe away her tears, but his words caused a new wave to burst from her eyelids. “Oh, Emma,” Killian soothed, placing one hand on the back of her head and pulling her to his chest.

Her arms wrapped around him immediately, fingers interlocking behind his back and holding him tightly. Killian let her cry, let her expel all of her wails into the fabric of his t-shirt as he stroked her hair, his own tears burning the rims of his eyes. He pinched them closed in an attempt to halt the sob in his chest at how much she was hurting, and a single tear rolled down his still wet face and fell onto the fabric of Emma’s oversized shirt.

After rubbing her back for a good few minutes, and letting her cry until her energy was almost gone, Killian smoothed his hands over her shoulders and pulled her from his body. Her eyes were red, as was the rims of her nostrils, and she quickly wiped at her nose with the extra long sleeve of the white shirt. “Is this one of mine?” Killian asked her with a small smile and Emma coughed out a watery laugh at his attempt to distract her.

“Maybe,” she shrugged weakly.

“It looks good on you,” he said with a smirk, arching an eyebrow playfully.

“It smells like you,” Emma sobbed, a fresh set of tears causing her vision to blur again.

“Hey, now, don’t start that again,” Killian pleaded, rubbing her arms lovingly. “What’s got you all upset, love?”

Emma’s bottom lip quivered and she was unable to stop it. She opened her mouth to speak but the lump in her throat stopped any of the words from coming out.

“Is it something I’ve done?” Killian asked her urgently, the tips of his ears blushing with pink. Emma shook her head and real panic rose up from within him about their last encounter. “Something I’ve said?”

“It’s…It’s…,” Emma stammered, unable to find the words she needed.

“Is it me?” Killian forced himself to ask, his jaw clenching straight after the words left his mouth in nothing but a whisper. He hated himself for being so selfish but Emma instantly reassured him.

“Never,” she breathed, placing her hands on his face. “You’re everything to me.”

Killian heaved a sigh of relief. Emma’s words were exactly what he needed to hear, even if they were not the ones he wanted to hear. He hastily gave his face a wipe, another stray tear having fallen in joyous comfort.

“Then please, love, tell me.” His hands slipped down to hers, clutching her fingers in his and giving them a little shake.

Emma gave him a small nervous smile and a nod of assurance before giving his arm a gentle tug and leading him to the couch. Killian followed, letting his hand slip from hers just long enough for him to slip off his jacket and hang it over a stool as they passed by the kitchenette. Emma was already settling against the arm of the couch when he got to her and reached out to take her proffered hand.

“I have to go away,” Emma said softly.

“Away?” Killian repeated, his stomach falling away from him as he sat down and made sure there was no gap between them.

“To a spa,” Emma said, hanging her head. “With my best friend who is also Graham’s mistress.”

Killian let out the breath he had been holding and a nervous laugh. “Is that all?”

“For a week.” Emma looked over to him and he was still smiling.

“Love, that’s nothing. I’ll be here when you get back,” he promised, rubbing a hand over her knee.

“Graham says we are getting too close. He’s been watching us.” Emma’s confession had Killian narrowing his eyes and an envious rage boiled inside of him.

“How?” Killian licked his lips and shook his head. He didn’t need to know the answer really, because he had seen the same car parked outside with the same distinctive henchman behind the poorly blacked out windows as she had. “Are you safe?”

“I think so, but I don’t want to go and have Ruby fish around for information I know Graham has told her to obtain. It’s going to be so fake,” Emma pouted. “I don’t have a lot of people in my life I can trust anymore.”

“You have me,” Killian told her. “You’ll always have me.”

Emma was suddenly overcome with a warmth pooling inside her that she never thought could be felt at a time like this. Killian’s concern meant more than she could say, more than she could describe, and all she could do was launch herself across the sofa and into his awaiting arms. Killian fell backwards onto the cushions and Emma fell onto him, her mouth seeking his for a passionate kiss. He let her fall onto him, nestling her against his chest as she scrambled for his touch, clinging to his wet t-shirt and holding on for dear life, forgetting all of her troubles in an instant.

Emma kissed him hard, like he was going to be gone the second she opened her eyes, and Killian let her, his lips parting ever so slightly and tracing the seam of her lips. Emma obliged, her tongue slipping passed her teeth and into his mouth where it duelled with his in impetuous passion. Her hands clawed at the hem of his shirt, desperate to rid him of the fabric as quickly as possible, but her weight pinned it to his body because she was reluctant to let even a slither of light pass between their bodies.

Killian grew hard despite his intention to not become aroused and he could smell that Emma was too. She was coating his senses in a cloak of visceral need, the animal within him roaring to life at the mere scent of her, and before he could rationalise any thought, his fingers were fumbling with the buttons of the shirt she was wearing, desperate to get to the skin beneath. Emma shifted her position until her knees were on either side of his legs and tore her lips from his, pushing herself into a sit and helping him divest herself of the shirt.

“Are you alright, love,?” Killian breathed, his words a whisper.

“I am now,” Emma sighed. She was in such a haste to rid herself of the shirt that she tore the bottom two buttons off before wrenching it off her shoulders. She was naked underneath, expectantly or not Killian wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t help but watch the sway of her breasts as she wobbled atop his groin while her hands went to work on his pants.

“No, Emma, stop,” Killian ground out, hating his rational brain and grabbing her hands, halting her advances. It pained him to his very soul to stop her, and the look in her eyes, one of pure hurt, sliced right through him.

“Don’t you want me?” Emma whimpered.

“Aye, of course I bloody want you,” Killian assured her with a sure nod. He still found it absolutely baffling how someone as beautiful as Emma had such a low self esteem, but as usual, the answers to his many questions led right back to her sorry excuse of a husband. He sat up, a huge flat palm spreading out over the middle of her back to make sure she didn’t topple backward, and gave her a loving smile. “I know you’re scared he is going to stop this,” he began, skimming his other hand down the length of her arm and massaging her fingers. “Only the gods can express how unbelievably frightened I am of the same thing.” Confident she was well balanced now, Killian slid his hand up her back and buried it in her hair, cradling her head and holding her face to his. Their noses were pressed together side by side and he felt his breath hitch before he pressed his lips to hers for a quick, chaste kiss. “I meant it when I said I loved you, Emma, and I don’t think I know how to stop.”

Emma pulled her head back and Killian’s hand moved to comb her golden tresses through his fingers, eager as ever to reassure her that whatever worry she was feeling would be over with soon. She blinked, swallowing hard. Emma had never told anyone she had loved them, not even Graham. Sure she had told him, but it had always been after he had said it first, as fleeting as those times were, and she wasn’t exactly sure what it meant to love somebody as openly as Killian clearly loved her.

“I can’t-,” she began shyly, but Killian cut her off.

“You don’t have to say it,” Killian added softly, recognizing the turmoil in her features and giving her a boyish smile that melted her heart. He reached behind her for his shirt she had discarded and pulled it up over her back to cover her once more. “I just want you to know that you are loved, Emma, and despite what you might think, you are not worthless.”

Emma’s lips curved into an unsure smile, little ticks of the corners that were accompanied by a rosy blush across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose that told Killian she was not used to such compliments, something he thought of a as grievous crime against the beauty of both her body and soul. She deserved more than she had ever received and if Killian could offer her just a small piece of his heart, he would wait forever for her to fill the void it had left with the gift of a piece of her own.

“Not to me,” Killian added, reiterating his feelings with a smile. “And I do love you.” He stroked the back of his knuckles over the apple of her cheek and his heart warmed with how deep red her cheeks grew. “But we shouldn’t do this, not here, not if the place is being watched.”

Emma nodded in agreement. “You’re right,” she pouted.

“I’m always right, love,” Killian winked. “And when you return I promise to show you just much I want you.” There was a darkness to the tone of his voice that had a shiver running down Emma’s spine but as quickly as it had appeared, it disappeared in his next words. “And luckily for you, I’m soft.”

“Soft?” Emma asked, confused.

“Soft,” he repeated with a nod and a grin. When Emma’s brow furrowed he chuckled and took pity on her, sliding her from his lap and wrapping one big strong arm around her. “It means I like cuddling too, even without sex.”

Emma snuggled into his side, stretching an arm across his still soggy midriff and hugging him tighter with a content purr. “Me too,” she said softly, a smile breaking out across her face as wide as a mile when Killian turned his head and kissed her on her forehead. “I mean, the sex is great, but,” she teased and Killian’s chest rumbled with laughter.

“But?” Killian prompted her to continue with a little nudge.

“But this is nice too.” Emma had never really had much physical affection like Killian had given her, little touches here and there and now a full blown snuggle on the couch as if they were a real couple. It made her feel special, more than she ever had done, and somehow she was okay with tonight being a different kind of intimate.

–

Angry didn’t even begin to cover what Emma was feeling right now. Thank the Lord for small favours and her chauffeur being on call, because when she had insisted on her driver staying at the resort too, and Graham had obliged, more than likely because the tall, skinny man with small round glasses and a hat Emma was pretty sure was glued to his fake hair piece underneath was actually one of Graham’s many little birds whose favourite song was the Killian and Emma show, she’d had no idea that after just two lunches with Ruby, she would need him to drive her home.

Even thinking about that invasion of marital privacy had her blood bubbling with fury, let alone what she had been stewing on during the drive home after less than half the week at the spa. Was nothing sacred to the man? Emma had been trying so, so hard to fight her growing feelings for Killian, despite everything thrown at her, if not for Graham than for the sake of her reputation as a lady of elite society, a reputation that had helped her fashion out a little niche existence of her own. It wasn’t about being rich, or being able to rub shoulders with these people, but instead about her identity as an individual without Graham, and she still had friends in high places, and many endeavours that would not look favourably at an affair, but did Graham care?

Fuck no.

Clearly not, because if the truth bomb Ruby had just dropped in the lap was anything to go by, Graham didn’t give a flying fuck about her or the meager life she had tried to build for herself in his shadow. Ruby was pregnant and her ever doting husband was the father, apparently something he was thrilled about. However, perhaps the most telling indication of who he was as a person, was when, after telling Ruby how delighted he was for an heir, he told her that Emma would raise the baby with him, as if they had sired the next CEO of the Humbert empire together, totally disregarding the feelings of a mother who would have her tot ripped from her bosom quicker than he could wish he was an Alpha.

The only reason Ruby had told Emma was because she was leaving town to get an abortion and regardless of what had happened between Graham and herself, she still thought of Emma as her best friend, and the whole thing with Graham had been fun and games until she had missed a period. She would tell Graham the baby was dead and knew he wouldn’t waste resources following her to check. Emma understood completely. Ruby was one of her most valued real friends, someone who had been there for her through so much already, and she couldn’t imagine taking the woman’s child and trying to raise it as her own. She just couldn’t. And if Graham knew either of them, he would have realised how insane the idea even was in the first place.

The ride home hadn’t abated Emma’s vehemence towards her husband one bit. It wasn’t about her, and it wasn’t about Ruby, or the life inside of her, but it was about how he had, for so long, managed to breeze through life treating people like property. Emma was sick of it. She was sick of how he had treated every single person and events around him with such frivolity, like his life was a game and his actions had no real consequence. Maybe she was taking it a bit far, storming out of a spa and wellness resort in the middle of the afternoon with nothing but the clothes on her back, but Emma just had to give him a piece of her mind whilst her temper charged storm of emotions swirling inside of her still fuelled her every being. If not for any other reason than he deserved it.

The time it had taken Jeeves - Emma knew that wasn’t his name, but Graham had never let her know his real one for fear they had, ironically, begun an affair - to get her home, Emma’s rage hadn’t fizzled out one iota. She launched herself from the car quicker than it took Jeeves to put it into park, and raced across the expansive gravel driveway in the fading light of afternoon. The sun was heading down for the evening but Emma was wide awake knowing that Graham would be home at this time too, and with any luck, she would be interrupting something he deemed of the utmost importance.

As usual, when the door was opened for her, the lobby of their mansion was empty, cold and uninviting despite the rays of sunshines currently warming their mark into the stone floor. Absentmindedly Emma wondered if they had owned a dog, would it be sunning itself in the beams the way dogs often did, desperate to catch the last warmth of the day. Equally as unnecessary in her thought process, Emma wistfully wished for the carefree life of a pet, free to do whatever she wanted all day without being constantly reminded of how she was nothing but a dissatisfaction wearing an expensive wedding ring.

Boy, was Graham in for some kind of shit storm.

Eventually she found him in his study, after a few pointed directions from staff who thought better than to get in her way, and didn’t even try to hide her ire as she strode across the expansive Persian rug between them and, just as he turned to look at her in shock of her actually being there, slapped him across the face with an audible smack. Hard. Graham’s previously relaxed stance stiffened up in an instant, his eyes fluttering closed as he rearranged his jaw from one side to the other before clenching it closed. Emma was seething, positively vibrating with wrath, the tips of her fingers tingling from the impact that had left a rather telling mark across Graham’s cheek.

“Hello wife,” Graham spat, peeling his eyes open to give her a cold, dead stare. “Back so soon?”

“Don’t ‘wife’ me, you bastard,” Emma yelled, jabbing Graham in the shoulder with the heel of her hand.

“I take it Ruby opened her fat mouth,” Graham mumbled to himself, sighing dramatically. “I guess you know the rest, judging by the pain in my shoulder,” Graham sneered.

“Why the fuck would you think I would raise someone else’s child with you?” Emma shouted, eyes wide with her words.

“It’s not someone else child, Emma, it’s mine,” Graham growled, his voice low and his words ground out through his clenched teeth.

“Oh, that makes it all better!” Emma laughed.

“What are you so angry about?” Graham shrugged. “It’s not like you aren’t getting what you want out of this arrangement.”

He meant Killian and Emma knew it, swallowing the spiteful words that threatened to fall out of mouth back down where they could fester in her stomach some more. “And what about Ruby, huh? You think she is just going to give up her child?”

Graham turned and Emma was taken back by his calm demeanour. “The child is a Humbert. It will live with me and you are my wife, and as such you will be expected to raise it accordingly.”

“Accordingly?” Emma shook her head. “What the fuck, Graham? You really have no idea how your actions affect everyone around you, do you?”

They stared at each other, Emma shaking with exasperation and Graham as cool as ice, still and motionless. Emma watched the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed, slowly and deliberately like he even had control over his body’s most basic instincts.

“The child will be raised a Humbert,” Graham repeated slowly, pushing his hands into his pockets and taking a few menacing steps towards her. Emma didn’t back down, squaring her shoulders and met his gaze with the same intensity he was giving her. “You will raise it as a Humbert.”

“I’m not some fucking wet nurse for your bastard, Graham!” Emma sniggered. “I will not raise someone else’s kid, and I will not let you manipulate this situation in your favour like you always do. This is a life, a human being, Graham, surely you realise that!” Emma waved her hands, trying to find any empathy behind the blue eyes staring back at her, but all she saw was a wall of stone.

“You are my wife,” Graham ground out. “You will obey me.”

Emma laughed, loud and heartily, her entire body moving with the deep, belly rumbling hilarity of Graham’s statement. “I won’t, and there is nothing you can do about it. What are you going to do? Divorce me?” Graham’s furrowed brow meant she had struck a nerve.

“Pity,” he huffed, looking down at his feet. He knew there was no way Emma wouldn’t do as he wanted. She might want to be with the Alpha more than him, but he was pretty confident that if it came down to it, she wouldn’t leave a defenceless babe to fend for itself. Graham would simply take the baby form Ruby and leave it with Emma, sure nature would take its course and she would be unable to not help, and over time they would become one big semi agreeable family. He smirked to himself, and Emma scoffed a laugh as if she could read his mind.

“I’m so sorry I’m such a fucking disappointment!” Emma spat at him and with her words, Graham snapped, his biceps bulging under his sleeve caps as he clenched his fists in his pockets.

“Disappointment?” He snapped. “What do you know about disappointment, huh? Maybe if you’d been the wife I was promised-,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Emma cried, moving towards him and grabbing his arm as he attempted to turn away.

“Nothing, forget I said anything.” Graham shook her off and made for his desk, the decanter of whiskey already halfway to the bottom.

“No, no, go on,” Emma insisted sarcastically. She followed after him, giving him a little shove that spilled the whiskey right out of the glass in his hand. “I’d love to hear about how yet another one of your problems in life is caused by me.”

“Not this one you wouldn’t,” Graham cautioned. He lifted the cut glass tumbler to his lips and took a sip of the burning liquid, exciting all of his taste buds at once.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Emma screeched, running her hands through her hair. “Ten years of marriage and you won’t even be honest with me?”

“You wouldn’t want honesty, Emma, trust me.” Graham finished the whiskey, pouring the last of the honey coloured drink into his mouth and swallowing the lot in one gulp. He pinched his eyes closed until the burn at the back of his sinuses passed but when he opened them, Emma was still as disgruntled as before.

“Trust you?” she said spitefully. “Graham Humbert, the almighty, the all powerful, the good for nothing burnt out Beta who wishes he was an Alpha so badly? Where has that ever got me before?”

Graham spun around and advanced on her, making Emma jump back for a second. His hands were on her face, clamping her jaw in his grip and silencing her long enough to stare into her eyes and cause real fear to spark behind the green hues. “I can tell you where it will get you if you don’t stop with this Ruby bullshit.”

“Well it won’t be a divorce, you’ve made that abundantly clear.” Her words were compressed through her lips but they made her point. Humbert men didn’t get divorced, or so Graham had pounded into her brain from the second she had married him.

He pushed her head aside and released her jaw and Emma immediately rubbed at the soreness there. He walked by her as if she wasn’t even there, like she was nothing, like he hadn’t put his hands on her and hurt her. “Oh there are worse things to do to you, Emma. Don’t push me.”

“Don’t push you? Oh, honey, I haven’t even begun!” Emma ground her teeth, stalking after him with heavy footsteps that echoed off the vast ceiling above them. “You’re a bully, Graham, plain and simple,” she shouted. “You use other people to get what you want and you always will, and I don’t know if this is some kind of bullshit Alpha complex run amok, but I’m sick of it!” Emma caught up with him and dipped sideways, reappearing in front of him and halting his escape attempt. “I’m sick of the lies, the cheating, the galas and fake smiles, pandering to all your important friends, and most of all, I’m sick of you!” Emma took a breath, balling her fists at her side. “You’ll never be an Alpha as long as you live so-”

Her words were cut short by an overwhelming thud and the instant Emma’s eyes filled with the stinging sensation of tears, she knew he had hit her. The moment was in slow motion, like an out of body experience, and Emma felt the point of Graham’s knuckles hit her under the eye in a back hand punch. It shook her, physically and emotionally, and her body flushed with white hot prickles of adrenaline that blinded her so much she didn’t see the next blow coming.

“Shut up!” Graham shouted, his words hidden behind the slap sound. “Shut your dirty whore mouth!” Graham roared, spittle dripping from his lower lip in his rage. He raised his hand again but paused when Emma cowered away. “You want some truth? Here, how about this for a truth. The only reason we took you in was because you were an Omega and I was supposed to be Alpha, that’s the only reason I married you.”

“What do you mean I’m Omega?” Emma snapped, the pain in her cheek radiating through her entire jaw as she gently pawed at the underside of her eye socket where the skin felt like it had split open.

“Come on, Emma, don’t be dense,” Graham sneered. “Have you ever wondered why you couldn’t remember seeing a doctor for your ‘illness’? Ever wondered why my family were so insistent on your medication? It’s a supressant, you dumb bitch!”

Emma’s entire life flashed before her eyes. It all made sense. Everything was much clearer. She was Omega, a completely different gender class that she had always believed, and the entire Humbert family knew about it, but had suppressed her nature with drugs. For a second Emma imagined what her life might have been if she had never had the misfortune of crossing paths with the Humbert family. Would she have married an Alpha? Would she have pups of her own? Her mind swirled with scenario after scenario, all of which had been ripped from her grasp by Graham and his family.

“All this time,” Emma whimpered angrily, shaking her head. “You knew and let me think I was sick.” Her rage boiled up inside of her and she felt her fists ball at her sides again, her feet carrying her closer to the man in front of her.

“And you would have never have found out if it wasn’t for that fucking Alpha,” Graham rasped, his nose wrinkling at the thought of Killian being more than he had ever developed into.

His misplaced rage was evident and Emma was quick to interrupt his fury with a balled fist pounding on his shoulder. “Leave him out of this. He doesn’t know anything.”

“Aww, did I hit a sore spot there, darling?” Graham leered, cocking his head to one side in mock sympathy. “I’m not a fool Emma. I know you two have been fucking without my prior consent!”

“Your prior consent?” Emma yelled. “Listen to you, trying to control my life, what I do and who I see.” She laughed, scrubbing her hands over her face with a sigh. “Well, newsflash Humbert, I’m not your property.”

“Newsflash, Emma, I’ll be suing the fuck out of Killian Jones to recover all of the money he took whilst still fucking my wife, and then, when he has nothing else left, I’ll take his brother’s bar. I know people who could get that place shut down like that!” To emphasize the power he had to do as he had threatened, Graham clicked his fingers right in her face, and Emma blinked in an attempt to fight her flight response.

“Why are you like this?” Emma asked, her voice turning softer, more sympathetic. She had been fond of Graham once, and they were friends for so long before they got married, so the man in front of her right now, the man who had dared to lay hands on her, was not the man she had once known. “What happened to that sweet, charming guy I married, huh? Look what you’ve become, Graham. Spoiled, hateful and with so much anger-,”

Another blow took Emma by surprise and she had no time to brace herself. Graham’s clenched fist hit her again in the same place and Emma was sure that that blow had split the skin under her eye now. She tumbled backwards, falling flat onto her butt and only narrowly avoiding hitting her head on the marble fireplace surrounding behind her.

“Because of you!” Graham bellowed, looming over her, the vein in his forehead bulging.

“It’s not my fault you didn’t become an Alpha!” Emma slapped the floor beside her to highlight her point. “That’s not on me!” Emma snapped.

“They said an Omega presence would draw it out of me, make me into the most powerful Alpha my family had ever seen, but no!” Graham yelled, shaking with anger. “We paid good money for you!” He accused, pointing at her. “You ruined me, you poor, good for nothing ungrateful Omega whore!” Graham raised his hand again, intent on making sure Emma felt this one, but she scrambled backwards across the floor, pushing herself to her feet when her back hit the solid door frame. “Now do me a favour and get the fuck out!”

When Emma pulled open the door, the cold air from the hall hit the welt under her eye and halted the throbbing pain when she blinked. Graham was hot on her heels, shoes pounding the stone floor and sending echoes into the hall. One of the staff was barged out of the way by Emma and stumbled into Graham’s path, slowing him temporarily and Emma took the opportunity to race for the front door. She yanked it open and couldn’t stop the tears from falling any longer. One of her shoes came loose and she kicked the other one off, ignoring the searing pain shooting up her legs as she tore across the gravel driveway.

“And don’t come back!” Graham yelled after her, the door knocker clattering as he slammed the door and cast her out into the night.

#cs fic #the contract #A/B/O #a/b/o dynamics #cs fanfic #alpha!killian #emma swan #tw: domestic abuse

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eulaties · 4 years

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final thoughts about unlucky mansion !!! <3

spoilers under the cut! read at your own risk :)

DSJKGHDFSKJG THAT WAS LITERALLY SO GOOD I LOVE UNLUCKY MANSION SO FUCKING MUCH!!! i loved the open-ended ending that was basically “life will go on, and we’ll be happy as long as we’re together” and i just 💘💖💗💓💝💞 im so happy that eun joo and woo jin esp can finally move onto the next chapter in their lives, together, with each other at their sides :)

let me touch on a few topics:

1. chae min going to australia and finding her own happiness after having sung woo help her realize how to do that :) man i just love her character and she literally deserves this. also lmao the fact that she got a crush on sung woo and said alright i am going 2 leave to an entirely different country now peace out

now that i’m rereading unlucky mansion (ik i just finished it but it cant be helped) i realize just how cynical and self-destructive chae min used to be. im really happy for her and her decision to finally let herself be happy :)

“it looks like happiness is a really heavy thing to you, noona. but happiness is just when you eat good food, when you see a movie you like for the third time...or maybe when you’re walking down the street and get excited by a song that you can hear from a nearby store. it’s not something that heavy. happiness is becoming happy when you want to. if you’re ready to receive it, you can become happy at any time.” -sung woo, ch. 68

2. NO THOUGHTS ONLY EUN JOO AND WOO JIN...LOVE THEM BOTH THEY’RE SO LUCKY TO HAVE EACH OTHER I AHDSJFHDGH <333

“it’s not winning against despair and fear, but rather sitting down together and sharing like you’re at a meal. once you share, hope will emerge and the problem will be solved...well, what i’m trying to say is don’t keep everything in and suffer by yourself.” -eun joo, ch. 20

“you portrayed forgetting your family and living as a bad thing in there, but to be honest, we’re not a hero like odysseus—we’re just normal people. as normal people get close and obsessed with each other, they’ll suffer. even if you became a bit of a bad person...it’s more important for you to forget the sad memories and become happy from further away. you have to be happy.” -eun joo, ch. 70

“even though we love words that dash for the conclusion like electrons, because we can’t properly see the ending for our story...because we continued to wander and seek out our own paths to get here—we could understand each other’s scars, and have no choice but to love each other.” -woo jin, ch. 70

3. EUN JOO BEING SUCCESSFUL! i love that for her! especially bc i also wanna be a (potential!) fashion designer one day it was just so fucking cool to see her at work and in her element. man im just so happy for her and she’s come a long way, especially from the beginning of the story. also her personality and style is just kickass

4. WOO JIN RECONCILING WITH HIS BROTHER AND MOVING ON!! loved this. everything was executed perfectly. it was super emotional at points, and i really felt the despair :( but in the end, his brother’s surgery went well, and woo jin learned how to live his own life without feeling any unnecessary guilt over things he had no control over and i just :) also that acceptance speech was just so badass!!! what a king !! also love his hello kitty collection it’s very admirable

5. kwon hi and kwon joon <3 my favorite orange twins hehe. i feel sad that kwon joon broke up with his girlfriend and he failed his singing audition, but ig it’s just life i suppose T_T wishing him more success in the future! and i also just love their sibling dynamic in general :)

6. i really love the art. it’s just so fitting for the story, and the way panels are drawn, and the color palettes used, it’s just *chefs kiss* so beautiful!! so much art appreciation <3

7. the writing, plot, and story were phenomenal. i love how it turned a basic, typical trope (living together with roommates) and turned it into something compelling, complex, and interesting to read about. all of the character dynamics and interactions were just so fun to read about, and literally everyone had chemistry w each other in unlucky mansion (by which i mostly mean platonic chemistry, except for woo jin and eun joo they had hella romantic chemistry lmfao). the author also touched on some deep topics that really resonated with me, and the conflicts that the characters faced were super relatable and things i could empathize with. plus, the humor and expressions the characters made were top notch! the emotional scenes were so heart wrenching too haha ;; overall, there was a great mix of emotional and comical scenes and the writing of the relationship & character developments were super organic and...human.

8. i wish we saw a eun joo and woo jin wedding but it’s okay the last panel of them together is good enough T_T

i can rest easy now...im so glad that i finally got to read season 3 of unlucky mansion!! (even though i had to read raws and the english translation on mystic’s tumblr at the same time - which, by the way, was an Experience and honestly kinda fun. it spiced things up)

i know im going to be rereading this manhwa for years to come, and im honestly surprised that i havent read this sooner - but im glad i read it now and the memories that came with reading it will be happy and heartfelt.

(i literally feel so much serotonin rn im smiling so much)

alright, peace out! that’s all for today, folks 😊

- sonia 🌸

#unlucky mansion #my thoughts #final review #eulaties #eulaties writing & reviews

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theorangedeath · 5 years

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Some webcomic recs

Webcomics are as underrated as they are varied. I mostly read printed comics now, but there’s no way I’d have gotten there had I not found webcomics before - believe me, I tried, but this damn hobby is super inaccessible to a beginner, not to mention expensive. Webcomics are like fanfics in that regard - hell, some of them are fan comics - in that there’s something for everyone, all within your reach, but in order to find something you like you have to either 1. Get very, VERY lucky, 2. Be prepared to read a lot of bad stuff in order to get to the good stuff, or 3. Hear about them from people you trust.

I was a 2 - i would read anything, back in the day - and while i’m not as unconditionally enthusiastic as i was, there are still some gems I wish got the same appreciation as some talents in the industry. I’ll spare you the rest of the article (dm me for comic rants though), let’s get to it!

note: all the comics are numbered as “1″ because tumblr messed up the google docs formatting

Comics i still follow as they update because either tumblr starts posting about them right away or they’re on tapas

Check Please!

https://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/

I’m probably not the one introducing you to Check Please, as it’s one of the most popular webcomics out there, thank god. The parts of the fandom i’m familiar with are cool and wholesome, just like the work itself. It’s about a southern gay kid, Eric Bittle, who joins the hockey team in his college. It’s impossible not to love every single character there, the sports drama elements are great, and the format is like solidarity put into panels. The Samwell Men’s Hockey team’s motto is “we’ve got each other’s backs”, and there isn’t a single part of the comic that doesn’t 100% incorporate that.

Heartstopper

https://tapas.io/series/Heartstopper

The 2000s so far have been a rough contest for the title of “sweetest ya romance” but guys, we found it, we can stop now. Nick and Charlie are in highschool, Charlie is gay and out (not by will), Nick plays rugby because apparently that’s what british jocks do. Can i make it any more obvious? It took me a while to fall in love with the artstyle but when i did i fell HARD - the creator is re-drawing some of the older chapters, though, so your experience might be different. The story’s captivating right away, and you want everyone there to be happy from pretty much page 1. The creator also writes ya prose, and some of her books are about other characters from the same school. I love all of them, but Radio Silence is my personal favorite. She also has two novellas about Nick and Charlie themselves, available as e-books.

Charity Case

https://tapas.io/series/Charity-Case

I rarely start new webcomics anymore, but boy, this one got me FAST. and that was even before I realized it’s a polyam love story, which i love but is surprisingly rare in webcomics - at least the ones i know. Julien, an irresponsible young musician, resorts to sharing an apartment with two roomates who are a couple. I fell for the unique, gorgeous artstyle first, and by the time i realized i’m also super invested in the story and characters, it’s already become one of my favorites. Plus, Julien’s hair looks so soft!

The Property of Hate

http://thepropertyofhate.com/TPoH/

THIS is what comics should be. There’s so much passion here, not just for the story but for the storytelling as well - and the two aren’t as separated as you might think. A young girl is recruited by a TV man to be a hero. The world they enter seems nonsensical and arbitrary at first, but as they travel she discovers its logic, stories and secrets. She will also, as her title suggests, need to save it. There’s so much i love about this comic that i don’t know where to start, so i’ll just say this: it’s absolutely inspiring, in every sense of the word. Also, read the creator’s duck comics, they’ll make you feel things.

Webcomics i occasionally remember to catch up on, get blown away all over again by how good they are, vow to check them regularly for updates then forget. And repeat

Wilde Life

https://wildelifecomic.com/

I think this is the first ever webcomic i read that had a plot? I got on the wagon at around chapter 1 or 2 and it’s hard to believe it but it only gets better with time, even though it already starts at 100%. Oscar moves to a new town and immediately makes friends with a ghost and a grumpy teen werewolf. It has both monster-of-the-week type problems and overarching plots, and reading it feels nostalgic and brand new at the same time. The fantasy world has this special feel to it, that makes me miss growing up in the american wilderness even though i, well, didn’t. Plus, the creator is cool as hell. I knit her a hat in high school in exchange for a commission.

Sfeer Theory

https://sfeertheory.com/

This comic got me through a hard time and i’ll forever be grateful for that. Also, it’s really, really good. This is another case of a comic where you fall in love with the art right away and before long you find yourself caring very much about the characters and the story. You might also find yourself growing out your hair to style it like Luca’s. If you’re me it’ll be a lost cause, so, uh, keep that in mind. Luca works as a technician at the prestigious Uitspan university. A mysterious, powerful man is looking to change that. While the comic’s biggest strength is probably the gorgeous, fascinating worldbuilding - and Luca’s hair - the characters are also ridiculously easy to relate to, even if we don’t know anything about them. Even the most meaningless extras are somehow compelling thanks to the dynamic, rich art style. And did i mention the hair? If you like it, you won’t be disappointed by everything else Little Foolery makes.

How To Be a Werewolf

http://www.howtobeawerewolf.com/

I almost didn’t read this one! My brain has decided i don’t like werewolves and i don’t know how to reverse that. But then i saw Elias’ body language and it was extremely fun and friendly, and so was the rest of the comic, and the rest is history. Malaya knows she’s a werewolf, but seeing as she doesn’t know any other werewolves, dealing with that is hard. That is until Elias discovers her and decides to help, along with the rest of his pack. It’s filled with family and solidarity feelings, some dark mysteries and themes, and the art is beautiful and expressive.

Monsterkind

http://monsterkind.enenkay.com/

Another case of read-everything-this-creator-makes-it’s-all-amazing! Wallace, a social worker, moves - or rather, is moved - to District C, which is mostly populated by monsters. His heart’s in the right place, and apparently so is his apartment, because his neighbors are cool as heck and agree, some of them reluctantly, to help him get his bearings. There’s a mystery to uncover, some monsters to help and a dashing tea octopus to woo - for Kip to woo, anyway - and it’s all a delight to read. Every single character brings their own lovable-ness to the table, and even with the darker parts, reading this comic kinda feels like being hugged.

Comics that no longer update

The Less Than Epic Adventures of TJ and Amal - finished

http://tjandamal.com/

Guys. guys! I’m pretty sure this is my all time favorite comic, web OR printed. I have the printed version, i still read it online occasionally, a lot of the songs mentioned in it are now saved on my spotify, i had it as my phone background for a good couple of years, the whole package. Amal comes out to his family and it ends with him having to drive to his sister’s graduation in Providence. There’s a guy in his kitchen who just so happens to need a lift there, and he’s willing to pay, and Amal’s too hungover to argue. What follows is the best roadtrip story ever. I’m seriously considering getting my license just to recreate that route. I just really love this story, okay? Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, the creator’s music taste is GOOD.

Prague Race - to be continued in text

https://www.praguerace.com/

The fantasy aesthetic to end all fantasy aesthetics. And the characters are good and interesting. And the world is well built and leaves you wanting more. AND there’s a cat. And it looks so good! Leona is irresponsible and spontaneous and gets her friends in some weird shit that leaves them trapped in a strange world, dealing with several curses, trying to survive and make sense of it all. I could spend a lifetime looking at the art and die happy.

Shoot around - finished

https://www.webtoons.com/en/drama/shoot-around/list?title_no=399&page=1

A girl’s basketball team and its coach, Jeff, deal with a zombie apocalypse. They make the most of the post apocalyptic world. There’s drama, friendship, found family, love and hope - it’s basically everything a zombie apocalypse narrative should be. And i love how the creator plays with the colors from chapter to chapter!

Rock and Riot - finished

https://tapas.io/series/Rock-and-Riot

It’s cute! It’s fun! It’s a 1950’s queer ensamble cast high school drama! It’s what Grease would’ve been like in a better timeline, except we still got it in this timeline. The artstyle fits perfectly with the story and characters, but if you want to see what’s the creator capable of now, read their newest comic, Project Nought. It’s a cool sci fi story and just like in Rock and Riot, it’s super easy to connect to every character there.

Alright there’s a lot more but i somehow wrote 4 google docs pages of webcomic recs in one sitting (this is what i’m able to focus on? Really, brain?) and i think that’s enough for now. Like i said, please dm me if you want to talk about anything here, rec some of your own, listen to my rants or tell me i’m a nerd. Or all of the above. I might make a similar post with print comic, but right now i have some dogs to pet. Keep being cool!

#webcomics #webcomic recs #check please #heartstopper #charity case #tpoh #wilde life #sfeer theory #how to be a werewolf #monsterkind #tj and amal #prague race #shoot around #rock and riot #i have a tendency to rant #i just!! have a lot to say ok #many opinions

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jlf23tumble · 4 years

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Hi! I have a request for a fic rec... I'll try to put it as plainly as possible: harry realises he's gay bc he's hot for louis. A bit of an identity crisis ensues, followed by self-acceptance and happily ever afters. Any f/f fics along these lines would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Hello! I did a quick search and found some; why do I think I’m missing a lot more??????? Grrrrrrr, time is ticking down for my 2019 goals of better rankings/tagging on my bookmarks, but I’ll get there! Note: these recs are all louis/harry, I’ll mark if they’re f/f or m/m...let’s jump under the cut!

Tell Me This Is Paradise, by QuickedWeen, f/f, 8.7k words, E. Harry Styles has been lucky in love but unlucky in the bedroom with all of her previous boyfriends. When her best friend Niall finds out that she's never had an orgasm, she knows just what Harry needs: Louis Tomlinson. Niall sets Harry up to get sorted out. (this is part of an incredible collection, 1D Dick Prints & Grey Sweatpants, but it’s A+ in its own right)

make you never wanna leave, by fairytalelights, o/o, 9k words, E. Harry is an omega teen who has trouble getting wet even when he's turned on, Louis is his omega best friend who helps him experiment. In a completely platonic way, of course. (listen, EVERYTHING in the gaybo fest is top notch precisely because it turns a/b/o’s core straight dynamic into not-straight, so that “realizing you’re gay” means you don’t fit the alpha/omega hierarchy)

Only One at the Finish Line, by objectlesson, a/a, 9.3k words, E. “I want to be another alpha’s omega,” is what he says, and it comes out like something reckless, something wild. Like he doesn't care anymore if Louis hates him or not, if Louis understands, he just needs to speak his truth aloud to darkness, to the slender pines that surround them like a jury panel. (the master!! gaybo’s creator, and definitely on this list more than once, lmao)

Even Your Honeydew, by objectlesson, o/o, 9.5k words, E. It probably says something about Harry that he’s so obsessed with another omega’s arse. (the notes on this one are great, too, if you want to feel more of that dynamic)

the way that you’re thrilling me, by hereforlou, o/o, 12k words, E. Sometimes he wondered if everyone was pretending. Alphas were smelly and cocky and mostly arseholes, in Harry’s experience. Or at least they were at school. He didn’t understand how his friends—lovely, soft-skinned, sweet-smelling omegas—could actually want to touch them, or be touched by them. (gaybo!!!)

Saw It In Your Eyes, by taggiecb, m/m, 15k words, E. Harry Styles counts himself extremely lucky that he has landed such a great roommate. It doesn’t bother him at all that his new roommate is gay. In fact, they get along so well that they have formed an extremely close friendship that takes up pretty much all his free time. When Louis starts bringing a new guy home with him, Harry is surprised by how much it bothers him. Is he not as okay as he thought he was with Louis’ sexuality? (I haven’t read this one in forever, but I think it fits the bill you’re looking for??)

And Touch Me Like You Never, by runaway_train, m/m, 36k words, E. The one where Harry and Louis agree to be each other's New Year's kiss and it ends up being a lot more than they bargained for. (another one I haven’t read in a while, so it might be Louis’s realization, but could be mutual!)

I Must Confess (I Still Believe), by objectlesson, f/f, 44k words, E. Harry is the new girl at an all girl Catholic Girl's School, and Louis is the unattainable, dashing senior who changes her forever. (god BLESS, this is such a great story on every level, even if it broke the author’s back :( ...the notes, I cry)

Them Butterflies, by momentofclarity, m/m, 68k words, E. To sum it all up - Louis is beautiful. Breathtakingly so. And Harry can’t find it in himself to even question the fact that he thinks so. Louis is mesmerising, nearly magnetic with all the energy bouncing off of him. Harry doesn’t know what to make of it, but he knows he doesn’t want this night to end. (i feel like this is EXACTLY the one you’re looking for)

I’m SURE there are more girl direction ones that feature this trope/angle, so here are Phoenix’s recs, and here are mine. Enjoy!

#fic rec #i think these fit the bill?#honestly i don't have this categorized so i guessed and went with some tags lmao

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taww · 4 years

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First Take Review: Valvet Soulshine Preamplifier & A4 Mk.II Amplifier

I stumbled upon the Valvet brand fairly randomly. Looking back at my original email to Alfred Kainz of highend-electronics, Valvet’s US distributor, it appears I caught wind of the niche German marque via a review of their E2 amplifier ($2,990) on 10audio.com. In it, Jerry Siegel compared it with some very well-respected solid state and tube competition - Pass, First Watt, Cary - and came away smitten with the musicality of the little 20-watter. I perused the rest of the Valvet line and was immediately drawn to how it blended sleek, unassuming styling with a focus on tried and true design approaches. Tube preamps with solid state amps (no Class D in sight), super quality passive parts, minimalist Class A and single-ended topologies, all in urban-lifestyle friendly packaging... Valvet was speaking my language. The relative obscurity of the brand (at least here in the States) and lack of online reviews only added to the intrigue. A review was clearly in order, and Alfred was kind enough to oblige us with the Soulshine tube preamp ($5,890 in the configuration we received) and A4 Mk.II monoblock amplifier ($7,890).

Alfred provided this description of the company:

Valvet is located in Bargteheide, in the north of Germany, near Hamburg. What we have here is a very consistent vision by designer Knut Cornils in design and execution. Knut founded the company in 1991 and has been building Class-A amps since 1982. Knut has evolved a distinctive architecture of Class-A modules using high-quality components in minimal designs, featuring valve pre-amplifiers with separate power supply and solid-state mono-block power amplifiers.

Valvet Soulshine Tube Preamp ($5,890)

The Soulshine is Valvet’s top preamplifier line and comes in a number of configurations. The model we received is a line stage and includes a compact external power supply and stepped attenuator with remote control. Recently, two further upgrades became available: the Soulshine IIz ($8,890) featuring a dual-mono external supply, and the Soulshine Trio ($10,990) with built-in phono stage and quad supplies. @mgd-taww has the full review of our base configuration coming out imminently, but I'll share some observations from my time with the unit.

I really dug the sleek look of the Soulshine - super slender, with a minimalist front panel sporting two polished chrome knobs, a 2-digit volume display and the Valvet "V" softly glowing in blue. There's zero panel markings, which makes input selection a bit of a guessing game, and slightly odd is the fact that the free-spinning volume knob (it's a rotary encoder for the electronically-controlled attenuator) has a dimple to indicate position, despite it being completely uncorrelated with the actual volume setting. The attenuator itself works extremely well - volume control is a bit on the coarser side, definitely not 1dB across the range, but adjustments are quick, smooth and noiseless other than the gentle clicking of the internal relays. Best of all, the outputs are quickly muted to eliminate any possibility of transients on power-up or turn-off which can be a real hazard with tube designs. The back-panel features 4 inputs - 2 balanced XLR, 2 unbalanced RCA - and both RCA and XLR outputs. The power supply is external, connected with a light, flexible and detachable umbilical cord. Under the hood, the circuit is simple and the parts are high quality, with relatively neat hand-soldered point-to-point wiring (Teflon-sleeved silver in our model). Like any tube component, it'll need some room to breath, but it generates a fairly moderate amount of heat and will fit in shelves with less clearance than typical tube pre's with tall chassis and upright tubes.

Tonally I found the Valvet to be fairly nondescript, and I mean that in the best possible way. There is just a hint of extra juice in the mid-bass, and the low end isn't as extended and tightly-controlled as the solid-state Bryston BP-17 Cubed ($4,500), but otherwise things felt quite neutral and in order - another example of the convergence of tube and solid state tonality over time. The top end had clarity and extension and there was neither the upper-midrange forwardness nor the rolled-off treble that one sometimes gets with tubes.

What it did have was a uniquely singing tone in the midrange that made it particularly expressive with soft melodic passages. E.g. on a performance of the Rachmaninoff Romance by cellist Alicia Weilerstein [Tidal], a passionate rendition of the theme is followed by a pianissimo echo. Through the Soulshine, the delicate passage sounded wonderfully quiet and intimate, yet still expressive; on the Bryston it came across a bit threadbare and pale. Every once in a while this could also come across as a bit of thickening, like just a dash too much cornstarch in the sauce - e.g. with Magdalena Kozena's Mozart arias, the ethereal floatiness of her voice came across slightly more opaque than I heard with the Pass Labs XP10. Tradeoffs, tradeoffs...

Bryston BP-17 Cubed, Valvet Soulshine and Pass Labs XP10 locked in battle

I (or more accurately, my wife and I) heard a bit more editorializing going on with harmonics and timbre. One late evening I was playing some tunes on the Soulshine, Beethoven Symphony No. 2 to be precise, and my wife commented that the orchestra sounded rather sharp (pitch-wise) and nasal. Normally this is how American woodwind players describe European ensembles (who do indeed tune their A's higher and use totally different technique, reeds and often instruments). But in this case, it was a Montreal Symphony performance which she never previously commented on sounding particularly European. Switching back to one of the solid state pre's (the Bryston or Pass XP10) restored the expected timbre - her ears are particularly sensitive, and I can only surmise she was picking up on harmonic distortion being introduced by the tubed Soulshine. I could hear it as well, but to me it was pretty mild, and probably 99% of people won't notice it to the same degree.

The other area where THD may be coming into play is soundstaging. The Valvet has a healthy dose of that holographic tube feel, suspending instruments across a deep, airy and three-dimensional space... so much so that my wife actually felt the sound to be “too 3D,” something I doubt you’ll ever hear an audiophile say. Nelson Pass under his First Watt enterprise shared a design for a very simple 2nd-order harmonic distortion generator, called the H2, as a fun way to add some color to sound. He made this interesting observation about the phase of such distortion:

So why is the phase important? Well, it's a subtle thing. I don't suppose everyone can hear it, and fewer particularly care, but from listening tests we learn that there is a tendency to interpret negative phase 2nd as giving a deeper soundstage and improved localization than otherwise. Positive phase seems to put the instruments and vocals closer and a little more in-your-face with enhanced detail.

My sense was that the Soulshine adds more of the “negative phase” second harmonic - it has that deep holographic stage, without sounding up front and “technicolor” as some tube designs are wont to. Again, to my wife’s ears this effect sounded a little phasey and unrealistic, but I’m guessing many audiophiles will eat it up.

Some other notable and positive aspects of the Soulshine... it's extremely quiet, with nice black backgrounds. In fact, I found it to be nearly dead silent even when cranked to max volume, and considerably quieter than the Bryston which always had some level of audible hiss. Dynamics were strong, the Bryston capturing big hits in the bottom end with more slam and edge, the Valvet otherwise having more verve and nuance - piano in particular had great weight and presence on crescendi. There was a sense of ease, with plenty of headroom even on the loudest, most cacophonous orchestral passages, though I did find dynamics varied a bit with the volume setting, a likely consequence of placing the attenuator after the tube gain stages thus creating variable output impedance. Separation of instruments was excellent - whether listening to a small chamber ensemble or symphony orchestra, tonally-adjacent voices like viola vs. second violin came through with clarity and color. And while lesser preamps can blur the region below middle C (262Hz) into a bit of a soupy blend, the Soulshine clearly distinguished the lower registers of the cello from the left hand of piano accompaniment on sonatas.

All in all, the Soulshine struck me as a lovely and enjoyable preamp. Musically expressive and pure, it was significantly more engaging than the Bryston BP-17 Cubed, and made for an interesting counterpoint to the Pass Labs XP10 ($5,250 before being replaced by the XP12). I didn’t mention the Pass so far as @mgd-taww also uses the XP10 as his reference preamp, so I’ll let him do the honors of an in-depth comparison in his coming review.

Valvet A4 Mk.II Class A Monoblock amplifier ($7,890)

The A4 represents the 2nd generation of Valvet’s original Class A monoblock design, the A3.5. This latest “Mk.II” iteration includes 33% larger power transformers (400W), more filtering (132,000µF each!) and upgraded parts throughout including audiophile-brand resistors and cotton-insulated silver wiring. Allegedly this brings the performance of the Mk.II closer to Valvet's flagship A4e ($9,890), a souped-up 4-chassis model with larger external power supplies and a bit more power. Despite the Class A design, the A4 is downright petite, each monoblock measuring just 230 x 110 x 310 mm (9 x 4.4 x 12.2 inches) but feeling hefty and solid - I don’t have the weight on me, but you’ll definitely want to firmly grasp each one with two hands. Power is rated at 55 watts/8Ω, 90 watts/4Ω in full Class A operation. In what seems to be a new craze (Pass Labs XA25 and models from GamuT come to mind), the output stage uses a single pair of high-power transistors per channel, and the signal path is direct-coupled with no global negative feedback.

My first night with the A4 ended in disaster. I still don't know what happened - my best guess is a wire got crossed in the hookup to my REL T-9 subwoofer - but upon powering up one of the monoblocks, sparks, a small flame and smoke ensued. Clearly something shorted out somewhere, and the A4 being a true minimalist design with zero protection circuitry means any mishap can end in catastrophe. Fortunately no human, animal or other device was harmed, but after weeks of anticipation to hear the amps, I was heartbroken. In my desperation, I listened a bit to one speaker through the other functioning amp, just to get a taste... and even from that crippled mono reproduction, I could already tell there was something very sweet and special about the A4, which made my misfortune even more agonizing.

Alfred Kainz was extremely understanding and had the amps shipped back to Knut @ Valvet for repair. A while later I got them back, and this time I completely steered clear of the REL hookup, instead feeding the subwoofer from my preamp just to be safe. The amps have worked absolutely flawlessly since so the only lesson here is to be extremely careful setting them up, which the manual also states very clearly...

With that out of the way... I think these are some very special amps. While I've heard Class A amps plenty of times in other systems, it's my first time having one in my own, and it was easy to hear from the first notes what all the fuss is about. There's a purity and density of tone, a freedom from electronic haze and grain, a fluidity of expression that's subtle in absolute terms but significant in visceral ones. Great Class A amps have given me the feeling of emancipating music from the chains of typical solid-state limitations, making Class AB (and certainly Class D) designs sound synthetic and mechanical by comparison. The Valvet is delightfully expressive, sweet and pure, with an honest and unforced way of capturing the warmth and beauty of a performance. The Bryston 4B Cubed, a 300W Class AB powerhouse, impressed me with how it carried some of these lovely qualities to a surprising degree, but the Valvet communicates with a higher level of musical connection and tactile presence.

At times, I've heard Class A amps come off a bit dark and slow vs. a very transparent Class AB design. I hear no such issues with the Valvet - in fact, it has all the speed of the Bryston 4B3, with even more dynamic alacrity and nuance. Twists and turns of a phrase are conveyed with uninhibited momentum. Its highs are as sweet and refined as I’ve heard in my system, but with no sacrifice of brilliance. Vocals have richness and complexity, and the variegated harmonics of the violin and oboe have startling trueness. And while it doesn't have the big Bryston's bass slam and depth, it still packs plenty enough wallop to be satisfying with rock and electronic fare. The Mk.II upgrades included a significant stiffening of the power supply, seemingly to good effect - close your eyes, and you would never guess you were listening to an amp rated at just 55 watts. It's by no means a current monster so I would stick with at least moderately-efficient speakers that don’t dip too low in impedance, but I’ve heard 150-watt amps that don’t have this level of control and explosiveness. Certainly compared to a 60-watt integrated like the Ayre AX7e or Bryston B60, the Valvet sounds like a powerhouse.

I'll have much more to say about this wonderful amplifier in the coming months. One of the things I'll need to work on is getting some good comparisons on hand (the Pass XA25 and XA30.8 come to mind). And I have a much larger, 3.5-way reference speaker on order which will stress the Valvet's drive and current capability far more than my current 2-way monitors. In the meantime, if you value beautiful, engaging yet truthful reproduction, I strongly recommend an audition of the Valvet A4 Mk.II - it's captivated me enough to earn a long-term home in my system.

#review #audiophile #valvet #hifi #tubes #preamp #amplifier #class a #monoblock

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killianmesmalls · 5 years

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FINALLY!!! My con recap is... long. And I’m wordy. And it’s long. BUT IT’S HERE! Below the cut for anyone who is crazy enough to read it all.

Friday:

By the time the weekend really got started, I had already had the chance to meet up with @lillpon Wednesday evening for a last-day-at-work happy hour and then again when she, @justmilah, and @fraddit came over to my place to hang out, watch Once, and put the totally last minute touches on my Tilly cosplay. (Also, BTW, yes I am using nicknames because 1) I figure it’s easier for people to follow along and 2) I don’t know how much some people want their real names to be attached to fellow crazies and sent into the ether.) We ended up venturing down to pick up the car from my father-in-law, and on the way found a meeting place for @queen-mabs-revenge to gather with us. Now, we couldn’t find her, kept checking to see where she might be, when LO, HERE COMETH A TINY ITALIAN IN A BIG MCFRIGGIN HAT. Yes, she was indeed sauntering down 8th Avenue in her Lt. Jones hat, which was probably the 18th weird thing most passing New Yorkers had seen in the two hours since they had woken up.

We then all tackle each other and me, @fraddit, @justmilah, and @queen-mabs-revenge continue on to meet my FIL for the car, where Mabs was super on board with helping him trek stuff from the trunk back to his apartment after seconds of meeting him. Such a polite. Without much ado, we make our way to the middle of friggin nowhere New Jersey, aided by the very comforting fact that Mabs navigates the way I need to be navigated to. Much thanks. Many appreciate. Wow.

Our first stop once we go around in circles a few times since driving in Whippany itself is a damn adventure was to meet up with @thesschesthair. While Mabs is confusing the front desk dude with her hat, Chesty over there gives us a call and I sneak out, lock eyes across the dingy parking lot of the Red Carpet Inn, by its derelict diner, and leap into her arms. She then comes over to attack Milah and Fraddit before properly grabbing Mabs so hard they were close to osmosis.

I’m not going to lie, it’s at this point through to Monday evening where things sort of blur. Mabs and Chesty requested rooms beside each other and GUESS WHAT. Yep, you guessed it, they had rooms that actually were connected by a door that was hidden behind Mabs’s oversized fridge. Oh! And there was a random toilet just hanging out outside their rooms. Because, why not? When Puh Pah has to go, he has to go. Also, it’s here that Mabs gives us all Alice-themed totes from Poundland (YES, LAUGH, IT’S GREAT) and then we do roundabouts again to get to the Marriott where the rest of us are staying.

Registration was a breeze, and then we collapse into the lounge area where we meet up with @theonceoverthinker and an already-registered Chesty, where she and I are off to the side making inappropriate jokes and then deciding it’s time to wine o’clock this con. Guys? The pub in the Marriott got some play by the Pirate Crew (thank you, @freifraufischer for dubbing us all as pirates), we tried their Poisoned Apple sangria, shot the shit, and then went about checking in and getting ourselves settled while at various points meeting up with @captregina, @lillpon, and @freifraufischer.

At some point (again because all is a blur) we went to Chris’s Q&A where I asked him a couple of questions and honestly blanked on most of the experience because OMFGITALKEDTOSMEE. Then Jared came on, was very much however you’d imagine Jared being, and I was still very much focused on Chris saying how much Smee would love Alice and knowing that Colin and Rose day was tomorrow.

Afterwards, we got autographs, where Mabs’s delightful totes came in handy and I had Gil, Chris, and Jared sign the back of the Alice tote. Gil was nice and I complimented Jared on how much him being open about anxiety meant to people, but it was Chris that, to me, was the MVP. He was incredibly personable, funny, and a total teddy bear. I asked him about the blooper he was in where it seemed like Smee was trying to convince Hook to not duel with Ahab (the one where Colin spat in his face) and Chris said he honestly forgot what was happening in that scene, but he would ask Colin. Still, the one thing he did remember was when he knelt down in front of Colin in the post-duel “Congratulations, Captain, you won!” scene, he split his pants. The camera was to his back, but his treasures were on full display in front of Colin.

I also asked Chris for a hug because, I mean, YOLO, and he obliged! Honestly, he’s a damn pumpkin and I adore him.

Now, there was karaoke night after this, but some of us were bad idea bears and decided to say “f--- this” and went into the pool with some sea salt gin Mabs had brought over. We’re super classy, guys.

...What happens at the pool, stays in the pool. :P

Saturday:

OMG COLIN AND ROSE DAY! COLIN AND ROSE DAY! COLIN AND ROSE DAY!

I was legit saying this and hopping up and down I don’t know how many times. I focused most of the morning trying to make sure I had myself together, getting my tights ripped just right, getting my hair done, venturing to @captregina’s room so I could do her hair (where I met @brave-lassie), doing her eyeliner, doing my makeup, meeting up with everyone, and trying to contain my feelings about COLIN AND ROSE DAY!!!

I missed most of the Wild Bunch Q&A in my efforts to get ready and in waiting for Rose’s photo ops. I lined up with Capt just by where the actors enter into the room they do the photo ops in and got my very first in-person look at Rose.

Guys.

GUYS.

That precious angel GLOWS. I cannot say enough how adorable and lovely she looks and is in person, but I will try my best. She’s insanely precious. Honestly, I was probably a walking hearteyes emoji. I try to keep my cool as I wait for her in line, where I’m set to get a picture with her than a shared picture with her and Capt, and the moment she sees me in my Tilly cosplay she exclaims, “NAILED IT!” Then, like a spastic idiot, I told her I couldn’t help myself since she’s my favorite, and she said, “You’re my favorite!” Bless her. She’s insanely personable and tilts her head to you, and is a personified cupcake.

After that, I brought Capt in for a shared picture with her, where we handed her my bunny mask and Rubik’s cube I had made with the help of Lill as we (plus Milah and Fraddit) had lounged on my couch Thursday night. She geeked out a bit over them, I asked her which one she wanted to hold, and she chose the Rubik’s cube, I held the mask, and Capt and I held a pillowcase she had gotten a while back that said, “We’re all mad here.”

Rapid fire they then did Colin and Chris photos followed by Colin and Rose, where all of us collectively lost our minds throughout. There are some pretty stellar ones people got with Colin and Chris, and then OMFG KNIGHTROOK.

Not going to lie, I kind of blanked on it a bit. I just remember saying “hi” to them both, taking a photo in the middle of them, and then ushering in PERFECT TACO HAT LT. JONES MCMABS in for the second photo, where I pulled a crazy face and she pulled that cheesy salute in that pic of him and Bernard.

Then was Rose’s Q&A, and as you can tell she’s still the embodiment of sunshine with a dash of silliness. I must have had a massive smile on my face the entire time in between bouts of laughter.

Before her panel ended, they called for Colin photos, which I needed to get to early because I had Rose’s meet and greet, but HELL NO WAS I MISSING ANY OF ROSE. Nope. So I stayed, then dashed out, and totally thought I’d be fine because…hey, I had already met and touched the man, how hard could this be?

BEING A NORMAL HUMAN AROUND HIM IS IMPOSSIBLE. I just hope I didn’t sound too much like an idiot when I said another hello and asked, “Do you mind if I give you a hug?”

Tired panda just opened his arms and we took a quick picture, and his face was SUPER CLOSE TO MINE and I didn’t know what to do with myself and suddenly that scruff was AGAINST MAH FACE. I think I entered a new plane of existence at some point but remembered I had feed and managed to use them to walk out and not completely venture to a new reality.

It was probably a good thing I didn’t have time to transcend to nirvana because ROSE’S MEET AND GREET WAS NEXT. It got off to a late start since Emilie was still in the room when we got up there, but I’d wait howmstever long for her.

SHE IS AN ANGEL. I mean, absolute, 100%, grade-A, undiluted angel. She makes an effort to engage with everyone and really make eye contact with you, speak to you for as much as she can, and is just naturally her sweet and funny self. She then took selfies with everyone, where I told her my name was “Carrie, like the movie” which is my default at Starbucks because then people know how to spell it. She fake scared and pretended like she was ducking her head and going to walk out, which we shared a laugh at before our picture.

I missed most of Karen David’s panel, but right afterward was COLIN!!! Tired panda did his best to wake up and be his silly, smartass self, bless his heart. I’m so glad he said he wished there were more to the KnightRook story because he feels like there’s more to explore with that and HARD AGREE, COL! Also massive, MASSIVE shoutout to Overthinker for her crazy awesome questions!!! You are indeed worthy of being his favorite!!! Also, props to @the-girl-in-the-band-tshirt for her original question about craft services. Dudes, the things we don’t think about!!! I need to try a grilled cheese with pickles now, that sounds AMAZING. OH! OH!!! AND HE DID THE WORM! AND SANG! How were we this #blessed?!?!

We then had a hot minute (or roughly 30) before KNIGHTROOK PANEL!!! Guys, those two and their dynamic will never not kill me. THOSE TWOOOOOOO!!!! HOW PERFECT ARE THEY?!?! I think their humor together is priceless and she’s like a damn coffee bean to him. It’s a good thing I like odd things because I CAN’T EVEN WITH THEM. (:smirk:) AS IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH he goes and kills us with his Millian answer and I see Mabs and Milah vibrating into the ether.

After that is almost immediately autographs, where they had us line up for Colin then head over to Rose. They tucked tired panda behind this black curtain, and Mabs, Capt, and I coordinated getting various things signed for us and others. When I told him something was for someone who had contributed to the Whitecaps charity, he replied, “Oh! Very good.” Then he got my spyglass and went all childishly curious, peeked inside the box, then raised his eyebrow and gave me a smirk.

Then it was off to see Rose, who was taking more time to talk to fans, which is understandable given the fact that Colin had a longer line and Rose also can’t seem to help herself. Chesty gave me her badge so I could get a second autograph, like a friggin champ, and I had Rose sign the spyglass and also had the title page of the manuscript I’ve written (I NEED TO FINISH EDITING IT) and told her it was a 1920s Alice in Wonderland retelling, and I thought having her sign it would be a good luck charm. She sounded super enthusiastic about it and wrote a long note for me on it, which I will for sure cherish forever!!!

OH! And on my way to get into the Rose line, I hear someone say my name and LO AND BEHOLD, IT’S @leiandcharles!!! HUZZAH!!! I probably sounded like a spaz because I was on a Colin and Rose high and was all over the place but she pretended to not be terrified of the insanity that was me… ANYWAY!

It was then time for dinner. With the pub PACKED TO THE GILLS, especially after there was a bomb scare at a nearby hotel so the people there had to come over to ours for a bit, a group of us went up to Capt’s room to hang out and get pizza. I’m probably going to blank on everyone that was in that room, but I do remember dragging Leia there, meeting @coaldustcanary, Overthinker kicking over my drink and being roasted about it by Chesty (still makes me giggle!), and generally being a nuisance with Capt, Mabs, and Milah while Fraddit, and Lill went off to introduce Chesty to Chipotle. It has since changed her life.

At some point we declare we should hang out at the pub again, and a group of us went to go shoot the shit until Mabs passed out right there in the booth (CALLIN’ YOU OUT, POPS!) and everyone was sufficiently either toasted or tired. Some of us then venture up to my room, and shenanigans ensued. THUS ENDETH COLIN AND ROSE DAY!

Sunday:

While I was sad this seemed like a less crazy day for us, I was also a bit relieved because hot DAMN was I tired after the day before. Still, we didn’t have much time to really collect ourselves because the Mills fam gold panel started at 10, so a group of us wandered down to breakfast.

We then get in to see Andrew, Lana, and Bex, where Lana and Bex were of course hysterical together, Andy looked cute, and you could feel the collective vibrating of all Regina and Zelena fans which was adorable. I mean, I love Regina, but there was some LOVE in that room from her Evil Regals. I do wish Andy had gotten a bit more attention or had been a bit more vocal, but it’s got to be hard to not just let Lana and Bex own the stage.

There was then a decent break before Bex’s panel. That woman, as you all likely know, is HYSTERICAL. She kept the room laughing through most of her panel, and you can see she has nothing but love for her fans and her costars.

After her panel, I don’t have anything I’m too fussed about until 2 (MILAH WAS ROBBED IN THAT VID CONTEST, BTW, JUST SAYING) and so some of us gather together for lunch in, you guessed it, the hotel pub! Dudes, our options were limited and it looked like a library and had loaded potato soup. What more do you want?

It’s then time to MEET LANA, where me, Mabs, and Capt try to strategically settle ourselves somewhere out of the way but close enough to the side door to get a good look at the queen as she walks in. And, DAMN, that woman is gorgeous! Me and Capt then leap into the line where she proceeds to get two very adorable photos done and then I get pulled in to get hugged by Lana (!!!!!!!!!) while Capt hugs her from the back. She was super sweet and patient the whole time with everyone, and you could really see how much she loves spending time with her fans.

We then decide some of us need shots because some of us (*cough* Capt *cough*) are about to pass out from being so near Her Majesty’s presence, and then we wander into the ballroom for Henry Squared’s panel. Andy was adorable, Jared was typical Jared. I’ll be honest, I don’t have anything from that panel that seems to stick out to me as a solid memory, though maybe that was the whiskey shot’s fault.

Then comes Lana’s panel and, once again, you can feel the energy of the Evil Regals in the room. For however silly Colin, Rose, and KnightRook panels are, HOLY DAMN Lana panels are just filled with all sorts of emotions! It was like a damn rollercoaster! I laughed, I teared up, I was generally all over the place. SO MANY FEELINGS, GUYS. It was delightful but also made me just desperately need to laugh about fart jokes with my fellow Colin heathens. WE DON’T KNOW EMOTIONS.

Sadly during the following break, it is time to say farewell to the spun sugar that is Lillpon. I console myself knowing I’ll see her again, but it’s depressingly others’ last time with her, but ONLY FOR NOW. Yes? Yes.

Next up is autos with Andrew and then Lana. Andrew was a sweetheart. I was standing next to Capt and Mabs, where we proceeded to tell him how great we thought he was in season 7 and how much that season and his performance in it meant to us and brought back some love for the show. He seemed genuinely touched and said it meant a lot to him to hear that. Bless that boy.

We then wait a bit for me, Capt, Mabs, and Milah to venture up for Lana’s autos. By the time we got to her, we had this whole strategic thing planned out where I’d bring up S7 Hooked Queen, Capt gets her Hooked Queen picture signed, and Mabs gets the word for Capt’s tattoo. Lana says she did expect when they started that she thought Hook and Regina were going to be a thing but alas. Oh! And Mabs tells her that they’ve got family from the same area of Sicily, where Lana proceeds to say they do kinda look alike, and it is now confirmed #fam.

With everything over, we head once again to, YOU GUESSED IT AGAIN, the hotel pub. Chesty and Fraddit have already settled in and eaten, and me, Mabs, Capt, Overthinker, and Milah get ourselves all ordered up where we both mourn the end of the weekend and still buzz from the high the last three days had given us. A series of more shenanigans ensues, and none of us are ready for the weekend to be over. I’m pretty sure we collectively tried to drag it out for as long as possible.

For one last hurrah, we then venture to the pool again and meet up with @reginamotherfuckingmills and @agntreginaskywalker, where we all debrief and collectively laugh about the weekend, in addition to getting all into our feels about how Swan Queen fans and Hook fans are being all chill and friendly with each other. WHO KNEW PEOPLE COULD HUMAN?!

It was a fantastic end to the weekend, and there were more days ahead that involved ridiculous conversations in the car (Thicc Lady and Pointy Boi! Is this Central Park?! etc), meeting Mabs’s ENTIRE FAMILY, hearing Chesty lose her mind several times, enjoying super Long Island experiences with them, Milah, Overthinker, and Fraddit, and so on. Some of us also went sailing on a tall boat later, where we hoisted the main sail and felt like proper pirates! Then there was just general hanging out, but I won’t bore you further with that.

Instead, I’ll bore you with shoutouts!

@lillpon DESCUSTANG!!! You’re such a damn delight. Both sharing a bed and hoisting the main sail with you was brilliant and I love you forever. YOU MET COLIN!!!

@queen-mabs-revenge What are words? I have none. And if I started I’d probably turn into a mess so FARTS BELLY PT CRUISER POINTY BOI FARTS! I’ll probably emotion at some point and send it to you in private and then go run off to watch bloopers or something to get back to some sort of state of normal.

@fraddit SEVEN?! WHAT’S IN THE BOX?! Resting judge face or no, you’re fantastic, I love you, and you’re forever welcome in my apartment! Or basically anywhere with me.

@thesschesthair You funny asshole, I don’t know what I would have done without you to be there to say jokes as foul as mine. You were such a good sport about me being an annoying shit. I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed we can celebrate your birthday with a Captain Charming shindig!!!

@justmilah You’re so sweet and so funny and just damn precious. I LOVED going to the American Girls store, traipsing around Rockefeller Center, exploring actual Central Park, getting Millian and Knightrook feels in the AMNH, and wasting time at Johnny Utah’s with you. You’re always welcome!!!

@captregina Mah darling! I’m so glad and relieved that you had a good experience! You earned it, and I’m excited to talk about it over brunch with you.

@theonceoverthinker YOU FAVORITE PHD GENIUS! Stellar questions from a stellar person. It was amazing to hang out with you and we should do it again soon!!!

@the-girl-in-the-band-tshirt You’re a precious angel and it was delightful to meet you! I’m so glad you felt welcomed into the fold. But, of course you were! You’re wonderful!

@brave-lassie From one “mom” to another, thanks! Also, you’re a sweetheart and YOU MAKE AN AMAZING RED!!!

@leiandcharles @freifraufischer @coaldustcanary @reginamotherfuckingmills and @agntreginaskywalker IT WAS LOVELY TO MEET YOU ALL! And thank you for being so patient and awesome with some of the shenanigans.

#ouat nj #long mcfriggin post #I WANTED TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING!!!#and i still probably left stuff out

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carnationbooks · 6 years

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Fandom features: Author Wendy Qualls

To kick off a series of fandom-focused posts, we’re chatting with author Wendy Qualls (aka wendymarlowe on AO3) about fanfic, Johnlock, getting published, the intersection of fanfiction and original fiction, and a little dash of DragonCon! We so enjoyed learning a bit about Wendy’s fandom experience, and are so glad to share her insight with all of you! Don’t miss the amazing rec list she wrote for us after the jump (it’s so good). Thank you so much for talking with us, Wendy!

Thanks so much for chatting with us! How can our readers find you?

I write fic as wendymarlowe (Marlowe being my middle name), but I write my original male/male romance under my real name, Wendy Qualls. (www.wendyqualls.com)

So what inspired you to start writing fic?

I write in the Sherlock fandom with brief forays into Harry Potter, but my first ever fandom was Dragon Age. I played Dragon Age: Origins and went through the love story with one of the characters and immediately thought "I want to experience exactly that again, but different" and I remembered something called fanfic my sister used to read so I looked some up. The one I found was awful, but then I found my way onto fanfiction.net and eventually onto AO3. The fics got better :-)

Now that you’re writing mostly in the Sherlock fandom, what about Johnlock is the most appealing to you?

Honestly? I love what fandom has done to the characters. The Sherlock and John on the show would both be horrible people to be in a relationship with, but the general fandom version sort of rounds the edges off a bit. Sherlock is abrasive but not cruel, John is competently BAMF without being violent and angry. The show has throwaway lines like how John “lost an entire Wednesday once” and I know Moftiss put it in there because they thought it was funny but SERIOUSLY? Drugging your flatmate is not okay! I’d much rather read (and write) about characters who are capable of healthy relationships :-)

What is your favorite thing you have written so far?

My most popular fic, and the one that was the most amazing to write, was Dear John (https://archiveofourown.org/works/2647979). Summary: "With Sherlock dead, John eventually (under duress) makes a profile on an online dating site. And falls into a long-distance relationship with an enigmatic partner who reminds him of Sherlock in all the right ways. (Hint: it turns out to be Sherlock.)"

It was inspired by a friend trying a dating website and me realizing that sense of waiting for replies and not knowing when they're coming could be replicated by AO3's subscribe feature - I posted the fic in "real time." (As in, back and forth according to when the characters would have been writing each other). It had a pretty modest following at the beginning, but by the time John and Sherlock shared their first sexting right before Christmas it kind of blew up on Tumblr and the comments section started to be longer than the chapters :-P

It was amazing to see a mini-fandom develop right there and see everyone debating what they thought John and Sherlock were up to that very minute. By the time the fic got to the big dramatic face-to-face meet, the comments/replies were coming in faster than I could read them! I'm told it's still fun to read now, all at once, but the shared waiting experience was something I wish I could replicate for another fic and I don't know that I ever could.

When I started submitting around to find a literary agent, the popularity of Dear John and my other AO3 fics was a strong point in my favor with the agent I ultimately signed with :-) There's a LOT of overlap between romance authors and fanfic authors, actually, even if not all of them are public about it.

Speaking of your work as a published author, do you have any words of wisdom for the fic authors out there who are hoping to get published one day?

Everyone—every published author ever—has a few manuscripts “under the bed” that just didn’t work. Often it’s because their writing needed to get stronger before publishing, sometimes it’s because they hit a crowded market exactly wrong or just never connected with the right editors/agents. Only around 10% of people who attempt to write their first novel make it to the end, and less than half of those get to the point they’re submitting it for professional consideration.

The thing is, though, the only way to get better at writing is to write. I don’t care how many books and blogs you read about the craft (although those help too), you’re not going to get your book out there for money if you’re not willing to write something imperfect first.

Fanfic, I believe, is an amazing way to practice writing for low stakes. You get your pick of pre-developed characters and settings to choose from, there are no deadlines, and 99% of fanfic readers are supportive. AO3 says I’ve had 11,549 comments on my works - I think I’ve had only one or two readers who were critical. The rest are positive and make me excited to write for them. There is no doubt in my mind that fanfic has made me a better writer. Anyone who dreams of being published someday, my advice is this: write a book. Then write another. Write fanfic along the way and pick up people to cheer you on. The difference between published and unpublished is mostly luck, persistence, and confidence.

Do you ever get writer’s block? What do you do to combat it?

I do absolutely get writer's block, in big part because of my depression. (Depression sucks, btw.) Writing fic has made me comfortable having multiple works in progress at once, though, so often if I'm stuck on my "real" book I can write fic instead. I can't turn out fic as fast as I could before I started actually being published and having deadlines, but it's still a totally different feel writing for no stakes versus "how are my agent and editor and readers going to judge this?" Positive comments on AO3 pretty much balance out the negative energy in bad book reviews :-P

While we discussed this interview, you mentioned you’ll be in attendance at DragonCon this weekend. What are you most excited to do at con?

The panels and the people! There are several friends I only see at DragonCon, and it’s always fun to reconnect. The panels, though, are the heart of the convention. Science vs. Movies (10 PM Sunday in the Hilton Crystal ballroom) is always a highlight - it’s a panel of real, actual science experts forced to watch terrible Hollywood scenes and then argue why the scene was actually 100% scientifically plausible :-P Sometimes they break down and cry. It’s awesome.

You’re on some panels, right? When can folks catch those?

Friday at 10 PM: "BritTrack After Dark - British Fanfic/Slashfic Panel!" in Hilton Galleria 5 and Saturday at 10 PM: "We Do the Weird Stuff!: NC17 Fanfic" in Marriott M301

And finally, do you have any fic recs to share with our followers?

(Ed. Note: Y’ALL! Wendy wrote us an amazing rec list which is under the cut - Click for some Sherlock-y goodness!)

Favorite crack-premise-but-serious-fic: The Midas Touch (E) by flawedregina (https://archiveofourown.org/works/2479868) John Watson has a medical condition that means everyone he sleeps with is instantly healed of all illness and injury. This causes complications when Sherlock breaks his arm, and even more complications when Sherlock falls in love with him. Yes, this is a story where John has a literal magic healing cock. It's a lot less cracky than you're probably imagining. I love this for the "literal magical healing cock" premise, but it's also a beautiful look at ethics, personality, and the dynamics of sex. John is caught between feeling like he ethically HAS to use his rare gift because it saves people's lives and feeling the very human need for privacy and having control over his own life. Sherlock is a brat because he's always a brat but he GETS it and supports John and seriously, it's wonderful. 32K.

Favorite crack-premise-but-serious-fic without all the smut: A Magnificent Instrument (T) by mycapeisplaid (https://archiveofourown.org/works/7452193) A series of vignettes set in an AU in which Sherlock plays the tuba instead of the violin. This does have some brilliant takes on the idea (my favorite is Sherlock playing "oompah oompah" elephant steps in time with Mycroft leaving the flat) but it's also got an amazing connection between Sherlock and John. 6K.

Favorite fantasy AU: Here There Be Dragons (E) by Leloi (https://archiveofourown.org/works/786378) When Lord John of the Umberland Watsons volunteered to his lord father to deal with a dragon, this was not what he had in mind. Instead of using his sword and shield to deal a deadly blow he found himself trussed up like a festival goose sans armor and small clothes, naked as his birth day. This is sweet and hot at the same time and thanks to a certain Tolkien movie, we don't have to imagine very hard to envision Sherlock as a dragon :-D 8K.

Favorite short, kinky smut: Performance Art (E) by thisprettywren (https://archiveofourown.org/works/208374) “I have to say, John, I really just. Well. I can’t see the appeal.” That wasn’t precisely true, of course. At the moment, the appeal lay in the way John was blushing and licking his lip, avoiding Sherlock’s gaze, thoroughly discomfited. This one is so sexy and so Sherlock in how he thinks and gah, just read it! 6K. Favorite AU: The Bang and the Clatter (M) by earlgreytea68 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/744242) Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. I learned a ton about baseball from this fic - it's very educational :-P It's also clear that earlgreytea is an AMAZING writer and a true baseball fan. 137K.

Favorite D/s verse: Shames and Praises (E) by s0mmerspr0ssen (https://archiveofourown.org/works/573019) Unable but desperate to find a dom who will put up with him, Sherlock swallows his pride and turns to Mycroft for help. Shortly after, John Watson steps into Sherlock's life. Kinky as hell with a wonderful caring top!John. D/s done right. 52K.

Favorite Mystrade: The DI and the Spy (T) by chasingriver (https://archiveofourown.org/works/558609) Greg is an early-morning runner. Mycroft is an early riser who happens to live on Greg's running route. Hilarity ensues. Written for MystradeDoodles' prompt: "Greg is a runner. Rom-com." Exactly what it says on the package - a sweet rom-com story about how Mycroft and Lestrade get a crush on each other before even knowing who the other is. 44K.

#wendymarlowe #Wendy qualls #fandom feature #sherlock #johnlock #fic writers #fanfiction #author interview #dragoncon #fic recs #rec lists #writing advice #fandom #fandom life #original fiction #gay fiction #m/m romance #m/m books

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dipulb3 · 3 years

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2021 Audi RS Q8 provides supercar thrills for the whole family

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/2021-audi-rs-q8-provides-supercar-thrills-for-the-whole-family/

2021 Audi RS Q8 provides supercar thrills for the whole family

High-performance SUVs with coupe-like rooflines are definitely a fully fledged class of their own, with the BMW X6 M Competition, Mercedes-AMG GLE63 and Porsche Cayenne Turbo available today. All boast a dash of additional style over traditionally shaped SUVs, not to mention heaps of power and punched-up handling capabilities. The newcomer in this class is the Audi RS Q8, a performance CUV so well-honed it now holds the production SUV lap record of 7 minutes and 42.2 seconds around Germany’s Nürburgring.

Big performance and daily comfort

Sleek looks inside and out

Excellent cabin tech

Don’t Like

Lacks drama

Light steering

Can get real pricey fast

Lower-key performer

What does the Audi’s Nürburgring lap record mean? To car dorks it means bragging rights. For everyone else, not much. But this basic tale of the tape is something people of all automotive knowledge bases will likely understand. The heart and soul of this achievement is the RS Q8’s engine: a 4.0-liter twin-turbocharged V8 shoving out 591 horsepower and 590 pound-feet of torque with the latter having your back from 2,200 to 4,500 rpm.

Channeling power to all of the RS Q8’s wheels is an eight-speed automatic transmission, allowing this SUV to reach 60 mph in just 3.7 seconds, on its way to a top speed of 190 mph. (Note: This top speed is only unlocked if you spring for the upgraded carbon ceramic brakes.) All things considered, those are bonkers stats. But you know what? The BMW, Mercedes and Porsche all replicate that 0-to-60-mph time.

2021 Audi RS Q8 review: Fast, fashionable and practical

See all photos

In the real world, the Audi’s drivetrain surprisingly doesn’t behave like an angry, hyperactive brute. From a dig, the RS Q8 doesn’t launch with crazy gusto. Instead, it smoothly gets out of the hole, pulls strong to the engine’s 6,750-rpm redline and rattles off seamless, well-timed gear changes. If you aren’t paying close attention, it’s easy to get well past posted speed limits on surface streets, thanks to the progressive throttle tuning and low gurgle from the exhaust. You get civilized aggression from the powertrain. The RS Q8 is never loud, shouty or harsh when going about its business, though I wish it were a bit more raw and loud in Dynamic mode.

Continuing the smooth theme, technological bits like a 48-volt mild-hybrid system and cylinder deactivation go unnoticed. There’s no wonkiness in the brake pedal and you’d be hard pressed to tell when the V8 is running on some or all of its cylinders. Those efforts contribute to EPA-estimated 13 mpg city and 19 mpg highway ratings, putting the RS Q8 on par with the rest of its competitive set. I observed 13.1 mpg during a week of testing.

Dialed-up dynamics

From a performance standpoint, the RS Q8’s handling chops are its most impressive attribute. To help this 5,490-pounder hustler harder it’s got a rear-biased all-wheel-drive system, torque-vectoring rear differential, air suspension, all-wheel steering, active anti-roll bars and upgraded 23-inch Y-spoke wheels with 295/35 series tires (22-inchers come standard).

A higher handling IQ comes courtesy in part from some massive 23-inch Continental tires.

Jon Wong/Roadshow

Put the Audi Drive Select system into its Dynamic setting and the RS Q8 hunkers down and hangs on tight around cloverleaf on-ramps. Credit the tires’ big ol’ contact patches and all the performance features’ technological wizardry for all the grip and composure this crossover exhibits when driven hard. Getting the RS Q8 sloppy on the street requires caning it way harder than you responsibly should.

Instilling even more confidence behind the wheel are the aforementioned carbon ceramic brakes. The $9,000 option means there are 10-piston calipers clamping down on monstrous 17.3-inch rotors up front and still-darn-big 14.6-inch rotors with single-piston calipers around back. Like everything else, pressing down on the left pedal doesn’t yield crazy initial bite, allowing for smooth brake applications. A little more pressure unlocks the big stopping muscle when you want to go deeper into brake zones or perform panic stops.

In normal Audi fashion, lightly weighted steering is a sticking point in Dynamic. I prefer having a touch more heft in the wheel, but I have no complaints about the steering’s responses. That’s not to say there aren’t times when the light steering is beneficial — when you put the car in Comfort mode for normal commuting, for example. Speaking of commuting, the RS Q8 does fine here, with the adaptive dampers taking the edge off all but the biggest roadway hazards. In addition to the great grip they provide, the big Continental tires deserve kudos for their lack of noise rolling down the road.

Weightier steering feel for the RS Q8 is on the wish list.

Jon Wong/Roadshow

RS style and tech

This RS Q8 painted Daytona Grey Pearl with its extra optional styling goodies is certainly a looker. The changes to the RS over standard Q8 models aren’t super drastic, with more aggressive bumpers, honeycomb grille inserts, oval exhaust tips and slicker wheels. Add in a generous carbon fiber diet on the front lip, grille surround, mirror caps, tailgate trim and rear bumper valance, and blacked-out details sprinkled about give the RS Q8 a low-key, but still sinister vibe.

Head inside the RS Q8 and the design is simplistic with lots of straight lines. The front seats offer lots of support to hold riders in place with RS honeycomb accent stitching on the inserts. These chairs offer a massage function with seven different kneading patterns that I love.

Build quality in this Audi is first-rate with lots of high-end materials placed throughout the cabin, like Alcantara on the headliner and door panels, matte carbon fiber dash trim and leather-wrapped and stitched surfaces for most of the big panels. If you’re worried about the faster roofline cutting into second-row headroom, don’t be, because there’s still sufficient space for normal adults. Cargo room also isn’t too shabby with a healthy 30.5 cubic feet on offer that grows to 60.7 cubic feet with the back seats folded.

A simple design and fantastic build quality highlight the RS Q8’s interior.

Jon Wong/Roadshow

Taking care of infotainment in the RS Q8 is Audi’s MMI Touch Response system that is simply stellar. The dual-touchscreen setup has an 8.6-inch display on the bottom for climate function controls and a 10.1-inch display up top for things like the rockin’ 17-speaker Bang & Olufsen audio setup, navigation with Google Maps imagery, phone functions and a Wi-Fi hotspot. It’s all intuitive to work through, offering quick responses to inputs and haptic feedback to let you know a command has been entered. The clean center console layout is void of many hard controls, but it does retain a traditional volume knob, which is a very good thing.

On the driver-assist technology front, all RS Q8s get standard forward-collision warning with automatic emergency braking, blind-spot monitoring, rear-cross traffic alert, a 360-degree camera and auto high beams. A $1,750 Driver Assistance Package adds a few more tricks to this Audi’s arsenal like a great adaptive cruise control system, lane-keep assist, traffic sign recognition and a head-up display.

The MMI Touch Response system is a Roadshow favorite.

Jon Wong/Roadshow

How I’d spec it

This test car is a well-kitted-out RS Q8. It’s got the aforementioned $9,000 carbon ceramic brakes, $4,500 carbon fiber exterior bits, $2,950 black outside trim and bigger wheels, $1,750 Driver Assistance Package, $595 paint job and $4,800 worth of interior extras. On top of all that, it also has a $750 Towing Package enabling it to pull 7,700 pounds. Add in a $1,095 destination charge and you get the not-so-unsubstantial $140,590 as-tested price of this car.

For my ideal spec, I’d spring for the $595 Daytona Gray paint job and the $3,250 Black Optic Package. On the inside I need the massaging seats that are part of the $3,150 Luxury package that also requires you to equip the $2,000 Executive Package that gets me soft-close doors, the head-up display and acoustic glass. This pushes my Audi to a cool $124,590, which is expensive, but certainly more palatable.

The 2021 Audi RS Q8 starts at $115,595, including $1,095 for destination.

Jon Wong/Roadshow

Radical family wagon

Of the swoopy midsize performance SUVs available today, the Audi RS Q8 is a standout in several categories. I think exterior styling trumps the BMW X6 M, Mercedes-AMG GLE63 Coupe and the Porsche Cayenne Coupe. The Audi also gets my vote for cabin design and technology over the BMW, Mercedes and Porsche. It isn’t, however, my winner in the performance column; the Cayenne Turbo Coupe is a bit more involving from behind the wheel.

In the end, though, the RS Q8 my top pick. It’s a head-turner with a great cabin, best-in-class tech and offers all the space and comfort a family should reasonably need. That’s enough to outweigh the less emotional drive experience, considering this car’s main goal is to be daily-driven. But really, none of these performance SUV-coupes are bad, all offering sub-4-second 0-to-60-mph times and physics-defying handling. Pick the one you like best, and if it isn’t the Audi, I’ll be here to remind you that yours doesn’t hold the Nürburgring record.

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years

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bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes three and four: WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Oh, god, I’m back.

You’re probably wondering, “Hey, Amanda, can’t you count? There wasn’t a *Bachelor In Paradise: Victim-Blaming Island Episodes one and two recap!” Hunty, I know. But did you see those episodes? I literally had to leave midway through the first one and get more alcohol to handle it. You know who should never be asked to hold a panel on sexual assault and racism? Chris Harrison. Literally. I would rather have a panel on torture wherein which I am the one being tortured by Carrot Top. I would rather be taken over by a Trump-supporting demon1 that gets carted around Fox News as their Token Pretty Black Girl.

Oh my god, I literally just said I would prefer to be Stacey Dash, what have I done?!

So no, I won’t be recapping what I consider to be the Men’s Rights Activist Textbook For Discussing Sexual Assault and Racism. Nah man, nah.

What that does mean, though, is that I must do my rankings swiftly, and on a different scale this season, as we don’t have Queen Jubilee to be our barometer of Perfection, and rather we have Robb(ie), a hot mixture of saliva, hair gel, sweat, and low self-esteem. I dislike them all, pretty much. I must rate them in terms of things I hate in my own life. Alas, I present:

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability:

Raven: People playing music in public without headphones

Jasmine: mosquito

Robb(ie): Ross Geller

Lacey: Running out of one expensive product and then as soon as I replace that one, running out of ANOTHER expensive face product

Diggy: When the commercial is louder than the show I was watching

Matt: Forgetting one thing when I go shopping

Taylor: Walking into a cold pond and touching seaweed

Kristina: Pills on sweaters (I dislike her the least)

Amanda Never-Shoulders: a recurring cold for 2+ months that is just a tickle in the back of your throat and a constant throat clearing and a sniffle

JACKSTONE: Running out of all of my expensive face products at the same damn time

Dean: Waking up from a nap and being not 100% sure of what time it is (I dislike him the least of all of them too)

Alexis: 30 second ads before 30 second videos

Ben: Wet socks

Danielle: A straw with a crack in it

Nick B: Entering a room and forgetting what you meant to do in there

Iggy: When people comment on other people’s food

Vinny: Standing on the left side of the escalator

Alex: The Hobbit and any movie that expects me to want to spend 2+ hours in the god damn woods2

DeMario: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s marriage

Corinne: Missing a button on your shirt and discovering after someone points it out

We’re back after the shutdown and we haven't even gotten to the rose ceremony yet, but everyone’s back and still DTF. The opening is as awkward as ever, and I zoned out. Back at the villas, the girls are crying because love is not in the air, and the guys are oblivious. I mean, this is a group of very attractive people who all have never had to work this hard to get other people’s attention or get them to want to be with them. Ugh, it’s so hard to go to an island for two weeks and get drunk and flirt with people.

I WOULD BE QUEEN OF THIS ISLAND.

But really, the dudes are having bro-time and the ladies are not having it, and they need a new dude to come in.

So here comes Adam.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Adam: People with no clue of how they’re occupying space

Adam was on Rachel’s season and we all forgot about him and I still forgot about him. The show reminds me that he was the guy with the French mannequin and everything makes horrific sense. I would rather fall in love with that French mannequin than have a talk about the sexualization of black male bodies by white people. But the guys are PUMPED that they have another guy to play video games with and talk about sports wi - I mean, that Adam’s there and he has a true chance at love. All the girls are thirsting over Adam, primarily because he has a date card. Basically the guys admit to Adam that none of the guys have made a single move except Derek, who’s been holed up with Taylor pretty much since before the shutdown.

Adam says he’s interested in Raven3 and Kristina, and takes his time getting to know both of them. Raven wants to be like Evan And Carly Who Got Engaged in Paradise And Are Getting Married There Too, Remember, After Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Earlier The Year Before, Remember Them, and Adam wants someone he can lift up. I’m sure he means emotionally but I definitely had the mental image of Adam constantly carrying his girlfriends around.

The next day, it’s FINALLY the rose ceremony, and pretty much every rose is up in the air except for Taylor’s. Robb(ie) and Ben Z both want Raven’s rose, but neither of them want her to go on a date with Adam.

So of course Adam gives Raven his date card because everything is hilarious.

Meanwhile, Dean’s isolating himself from… everyone, but especially Kristina, and Kristina’s frustrated by that. She sits down with Diggy to discuss how she’s feeling and I realize that the time that this group spent together during the shutdown is going to play out in the dynamics of this season. Kristina and Dean bonded during the shutdown, but back on Fuck Island, things aren’t as smooth. He literally says he can’t talk to her until after his shower and all but bolts away from her.

Kristina: Dean just might not be into you anymore. And that’s okay.

Ben Z is in a tizzy that Raven and Adam are going on a date because basically he has a dog and Raven has a dog so they’re Meant To Be. Raven and Adam’s date cost all of $30 (including tip) because they basically sat at a table and drank margaritas and then did some terrible salsa dancing.

They play out how ominous the rose ceremony is going to be because there’s a tsunami coming in and it's pouring rain out. Literally no one wants this to happen. TAKE THE HINT. None of the guys are confident because they spent the last few days dicking around with each other and forgot that it’s not in their hands anymore. Iggy’s desperate and pretty much tries to go around to every girl and try to get a rose because he wants them Instagram followers. He bastardizes a Jewish prayer for Lacey. I literally forgot Alex was even there. Alexis forces JackStone to compliment her over and over again and this show should be much more of that and less of Adam making out with Raven in an a desperate attempt to get her rose.

Then again, there hasn’t been enough gross making out this season. It’s the alcohol consumption control and also these guys are terrible.

There’s an amazing scene where Robb(ie) tries to kiss Amanda Never-Shoulders and she swerves him so hard I cackled. She puts her hand on his shoulders and it ls like, “I want it to be special! You’re sweaty!” I would like this show to be 100x more cutting men down to size.

Dean takes Kristina aside and basically tells her it would be best to “slow down” a little bit, which is the fuckboy way of saying “I wanna bang other people, AND I wanna still bang you.” He all but tells her she has no obligation to give him her rose. Dean’s got terrible communication skills.

The Rose Ceremony starts and you would think these people have just seen water for the first time after being in a desert.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Jasmine gives her rose to Matt.

Raven gives her rose to… Adam, and Ben Z doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

Alexis gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Lacey gives her rose to Diggy because one couple has to be there just to stay for mutual agreement.

Danielle M. gives her rose to Ben Z out of sympathy AND HE DESERVES A REAL ROSE HAVE Y’ALL SEEN HIS FACE

Kristina gives her rose to Dean. Why.

Amanda Never-Shoulders gives her rose to Robb(ie) and I do not understand how she has such terrible taste in men.

Alex, Nick, Vinny, and Iggy all go home. All the men except Iggy get exit speeches4 and Vinny struggles with his seatbelt.

The next day, the tables have turned, and the guys are in charge now. Danielle L shows up, and all the guys are salivating over her. I refuse to call her DLo.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Danielle L: the idea of a dolphin eating a squeaky toy

She has a date card, 20 pounds of makeup and boob tape on at like, 9 AM. The guys are alight because there’s finally someone they’re into there. Danielle is interested in Ben and Dean, and Ben takes his time with Danielle to talk about how Dean and Kristina are in a rough spot, which leads Danielle straight to Dean instead. It makes no sense.

Danielle offers Dean her date card, and Kristina is krushed5. She was hoping for a fun bonding day with Dean and he’s off on another date with a girl who just go there. Dean tries to explain himself away and keep Kristina on the hook by being like, “Well, she knows about you, so…” Dean and Danielle go on a date driving a single ATV6 and Kristina sits at home, crying and drinking and watching a sunset. Danielle and Dean’s date ends with them making out. Barf. I know Kristina and Dean spent a week road tripping across Kentucky during the shutdown but it just feels extra harsh that Dean’s doing this now.

Dean seems really desperate to be The Good Guy in every single way and thus makes himself look like The Bad Guy because he’s emotionally unintelligent. He goes up to the girls’ room awkwardly and waits until they’re like, “Sooo… do… you want to talk to Kristina?”; and then when they’re talking, he downplays the kiss he had with Danielle as just a “peck” and tells Kristina missed her. They share a pinky promise that they’ll be together forever and ever and ever because these are two emotionally mature adults.

Pinky promises ain’t shit, and Dean ain’t shit.

It gets worse when they’re having a bonfire and Dean and Kristina are with the rest of the group at a bonfire, and then jumps up and gets a slice of watermelon with whipped cream on it for Danielle’s half-birthday. I fuckin’ love my birthday and I would never celebrate my half-birthday like this, especially with that not-cake insult of a cake. Dean flat out disrespected Kristina in front of everyone.

Dean can’t have his not-cake and eat it too. I don’t feel bad for Kristina, either, because she can do and deserves better, but this was a public humiliation.

Oooh, Dean’s not the internet’s boyfriend anymore, is he?

End Act One. Enter Act Two.

There’s some horrible wordplay with “Dean’s Dilemma with D-Lo” nd I hate everyone. Chris Harrison, BYEEEEE.

Also, I refuse to give commentary on the DeMario interview. Y’all can go visit Ali Barthwell at Vulture for that.

The next day, shit’s still tense on the Dean/Danielle/Kristina front. Kristina pretty much can’t stop crying because she hates being vulnerable7 and she’s shutting down. No one knows who’s going to give Kristina a rose if Dean doesn’t.

I haven’t talked about My Ex-Boyfriend Wells being the Jorge replacement this season. I am not okay with it whatsoever. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is slowly becoming the Nick Viall of this franchise and imma need him to disappear right quick. I don’t want to date a guy whose main life goal is Bachelor Nation Personality, that sounds fucking terrible.

Raven’s excited about pursuing Adam because Raven is Hot Shit and Knows Every Guy Wants Her8 but she’s afraid another girl will come in and ruin what they have going.

Enter Sarah!

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Sarah: Resting your hand on the hot spot where your flat iron was

Sarah, who is basically a walking wand curler, and Raven’s terrified because during the shutdown, Raven caught Adam and Sarah having a snuggle. Soooo, Raven’s on the “Protect Ya Dick” path and basically tells Sarah “If you want Adam, get Adam, but we’re all still getting to know Adam since he just got here, and we already know Ben, so we’d love for you to take Ben instead!” AKA “GO ON A DATE WITH BEN”.

Why do they have to sell Ben to anyone? He’s so hot. Then again, his entire personality is being a good dad to his dog. Ben.

Ben.

Why do you do this. JUST BE QUIET AND LET US SALIVATE OVER YOUR BODY.

Sarah gets the most generic date card which is perfect for her personality, and she chooses Adam despite all of Raven’s dreams and desires. I like seeing Raven getting cut off at the knees so getcha man, Sarah. We get an amazing scene of Adam saying he’s happy to be on an one-on-one with Rachel because they literally could have copy-and-pasted that from Rachel’s season and I wouldn’t have known. Adam and Sarah go on the thirstiest date of all time. Adam literally says he jumps into relationships too quickly and Sarah’s like I’M ALL IN PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. Sarah loses me when she says that Paradise is a Nicholas Sparks book in real life and I barf.

Back at the resort, Danielle’s losing hope because she’s not feeling it with anyone there. Danielle sees My Ex-Boyfriend Wells as dateable - just not in Paradise - but they agree to a My Best Friend’s Wedding type deal where Danielle M is a much less likeable Julia Roberts and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells WISHES he could be Dermot Mulroney. He’s barely even Rupert Grint, let alone Rupert Everett. Pfft.

Meanwhile, Lacey’s been put on ice by pretty much everyone in Paradise. I can’t tell it’s because it’s 2017 and she’s still lining her entire eye with black eyeliner like she’s Avril Lavigne in 2002 or because she’s a whiner. I’m thinking it’s the former, but more likely it’s the latter. She never had a one-on-one in her time on The Bachelor and she just wants her GREAT RELATIONSHIP. Perfect timing, because Lacey gets a date card.

They need to give Jorge’s Tour-ges some publicity, so Lacey’s card is from Jorge. Lacey asks Ben first, but pretty much no one is DTF Lacey. Raven even says “I think the guys want to go on a date… but not necessarily with Lacey.”

Raven is such an underground bitch sometimes and I much prefer her that way. Jasmine says she would choke Lacey if she took Matt on a date. Lacey’s pretty much asking all the guys if she took them on her date would it be as friends or as something possibly more. But Lucky Lacey, because Diggy agrees to go on a date with her! And Jorge!

Lacey calls a Bachelor one-on-one the Holy Grail of dating and I’m just… what? WHY. They meet with Jorge, who’s with some horses! Jorge-ses. They ride horses to get to know each other and Lacey’s like, “I probably never would have met you without Paradise.” I know she didn’t mean it that way, but it feels like she’s saying “I’ve never dated a black dude before!” Jorge brought Lacey and Diggy to the place where Jorge was conceived, and I love it.

BRING BACK JORGE. CAN I START A CHANGE.ORG PETITION.

Lacey and Diggy make out next to the ocean and I just noticed that Lacey’s hair is basically pulled back with a Chip Clip.

Meanwhile, Danielle M. and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells are discussing each other with different people. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with her by pursuing something more, and Danielle M. isn’t feeling it with anyone there and is going to leave. She gave up a great opportunity to come and try to find love in Paradise and that’s not happening, so.

Diggy and Lacey return from their date and Lacey’s over the moon, so of course the producers decide to shit all over that party by sending in Dominique, and Diggy’s THRILLED. I have no memory of Dominique but she was on Nick’s season and is rockin the twists. Lacey’s afraid that because Taylor doesn’t like Lacey and Taylor loves Dom, that Taylor’s gonna meddle.

And meddle Taylor does. Lacey’s already nervous because she knows Diggy wants to go out with Dominique and vice versa. Taylor basically tells Dominique that Diggy’s actually excited about her, which she hasn’t seen in him with anyone else. I’m cackling. Taylor is such a menace and I love it.

Dominique asks Diggy on the date, and Lacey’s pissed and takes it out on Taylor, of course. Taylor goes to Lacey and tries to explain herself - it wasn’t done maliciously, she just thinks they’re a better fit. Lacey just wants everyone to stop playing matchmaker and that her great date was ruined less than 15 minutes after she returned. Taylor feels bad but also, that’s how the game works, girl. I love that Taylor’s like, “Come on. Lacey would have done the same damn thing if the tables were turned.”

‘Cause it’s true.

Diggy feeds Dom some strawberries and they kiss and their date seems to be a non-factor. I’m bored. I’m more intrigued by the Lacey shit.

Danielle’s at home packing up all of her stuff because she’s officially left Paradise. Everyone’s sad to see her go and she says all of the blanket platitudes. She’s going to miss My Ex-Boyfriend Wells the most, though. She’s sad nothing developed between the two of them during Paradise, but if they’d had more time, maybe something could have come out of it. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells walks her out to her Van of Doom and then THEY KISS.

Good for you, Danielle.

Fuck off, My Ex-Boyfriend Wells.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Derek and Taylor look gorgeous together.

“Please sit down. So you’re Jewish,” made me cackle. Iggy’s the worst.

Does Lacey look like an Olsen to anyone else?

OMG Alexis saying that Nick was the worst Bachelor in history and all the Nick shade in general in this episode.

Fuck Jasmine for saying Taylor wasn’t well liked on her season, gross.

I keep forgetting Amanda is even there. This is for the best.

These girls seem cliquey as hell. I felt bad for Lacey at points.

And if you know anything about me, while I’m not a “spiritual” person, spirits and demons freak me the fuck out. I hated This Is The End. ↩︎

I’m talking about The Revenant, and the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has an Oscar for grunting and not for Django Unchained, like he SHOULD HAVE. ↩︎

Raven is the #1 Girl on that island apparently. ↩︎

God bless Lacey for not picking Iggy because I would like to never see him on my television ever again. ↩︎

I couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

Someone must have had a Groupon. ↩︎

Did I hear an unedited “shit” come out of Kristina?!?! ABC, living on the edge. ↩︎

I literally think that’s why I hate her so much, she’s got this level of arrogance that isn’t blatant but she disguises it behind a Southern accent. ↩︎

#bachelor in paradise #why does this show still exist

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