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incorrectvtuberquotes · 2 months

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"The One Thing You Can't Replace" - Ex-Niji Version

AKA the closest I'll ever get to discourse-posting. But if you have quotes for Mint, Doki and the rest, by all means send them in!

Maid Mint: Another story I heard about myself... This one happened in Nijisanji. We had this boss, Mr. Tazumi, and I had a kouhai who went to our agency, Rosemi Lovelock. She was in Obsydia and I was in LazuLight, so she was a gen behind me.

Mint: So Mr. Tazumi was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his yacht decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're an asshole. And Rosemi decided to throw a party at the HQ - hooray! So everyone around Niji heard about it, and we all got up individually and said:

Quinn Benet: Okay. Let's go over there and destroy the place.

Mint: I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world! We were drinking like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like dogs without horses - we were running wild.

Mint: I walked down... I walked down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement.

[Cut to Michi Mochievee, jumping onto the pool table]

Mint: One kid took a running start and threw her body onto the pool table and broke it in half.

[Cut to Kuro, plotting mischief]

Mint: Another kid found out which office was Tazumi's and went upstairs and took a shit on his computer.

Mint: So the party was going great.

[Chat cheers]

Mint: I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup - you've seen movies - and I'm standing there, and I'm starting to black out. And I guess someone said, like...

Sayu: Something, something, managers.

Mint: And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled:

Mint/Pomu: FUCK THE MANAGERS! FUCK THE MANAGERS!

Mint: And everyone else joined in! Three dozen drunk EN children yelling "Fuck. Da. Managers." with the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore - you know, that "I served my nickel! You come and take me!" confidence. But EN children.

Mint: The reason someone had said "something something managers" was because the managers were there. So an Anycolor manager walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement, and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "Fuck the managers!" in his face! And he was almost impressed! He was like, "Wooooowww..." And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "Get the paddywagon!"

Mint: And my friend Matara - who is now a mother, this woman has babies - she grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled:

Matara: SCATTER!!!

Mint: And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Rat-tat-touille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways - we all ran in different directions.

Mint: I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on a washing machine, and I crawled out through a window into the back alley, and now I'm running through the back alley and there was this big chain link fence. And I thought:

Mint/Pomu: I have never climbed a fence that high before!

Mint: And then I woke up at home.

[Chat laughs uproariously]

Mint: On Monday, I went to work, because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the collab, and who do I see but Rosemi Lovelock. And she says to me:

Rosemi: Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?

Mint: And I said no. You know, like a liar. And she said:

Rosemi: Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a dump on Tazumi-san's computer. But the worst thing is, someone stole these old antique photos of Tazumi's grandmother. And our bosses are freaking out about it.

Mint: And I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have: "Did I do that?"

[She pauses as chat reacts]

Mint: I figured no, I wouldn't have done that. But I was never sure - until, a year later... Relax!

Mint: I'm playing video games with this kid named Dokibird, that we also went to Nijisanji with. A year later, we've graduated by now. We're playing video games for a couple hours. And then Doki says to me:

Doki: Hey, come here, I wanna show you something.

Mint: And she takes me into her bedroom, and then she takes me into a side room off of her bedroom - never a good thing to have.

Mint: And she shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from Nijisanji parties over the years. And I said: "Why? Why do you do this?"

Mint: And Doki said:

Doki: Because it's the one thing Tazumi can't replace.

[Chat erupts into laughter and cheers]

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cock-holliday · 5 months

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One of the most irritating momentum-killing faux-concerns from people when it comes to conflict is the hand-wringing about “if we (you) ___ then people will be hurt/die/etc” as a reason to not engage in meaningful resistance use violence as a tool.

‘If there is a revolution people will die’, ‘if we riot people will get hurt,’ ‘if you resist you will get hurt’ ‘if you fight back, people will die.’

People are already dying, people are already being hurt. I understand the fear of injury in the face of chaos but I need you to understand the horror of brutality carried out calmly.

‘Everything Was Peaceful Until The Uprising’ is a wild disconnect from reality.

Evictions are violence. Arrests are violent. Cops brutalizing people is violence. Poverty is violence. Nazi speeches are violent. Apartheid is violence. Worker abuse is violence. Medical debt is violence.

Oppression is violence.

Little revolutionary acts are resistance too, but pitting pious symbolic gestures or communal aid as being opposite violent response to oppression is disingenuous.

Slave revolts were not the beginning of the violence, Stonewall was not the beginning of the violence, the Haitian Revolution was not the beginning of the violence. The Al-Aqsa Flood was not the beginning of the violence.

Acts of solidarity are survival. Acts of solidarity are coalition building. In some ways it can be liberating. But it is not total liberation.

I will help my immediate circle, I will expand my circle, I will build solidarity with those around me and those far from me, but without a fight, we do not see freedom.

“If you form a blockade so that paddywagon can’t leave, the cops will beat you.”

If I move, the cops will drive away.

There is always risk! If one person blocks a wagon it may be fruitless but symbolic. If a few block the wagon it may buy time for an escape from the back or just be a gesture of solidarity. If many people block the wagon, it can’t fucking leave.

If no one blocks it, business continues as usual, and “order” is restored, and the gears of incarceration grind on unhindered.

How peaceful.

#LJsm #there is undoubtedly a need for risk assessment #and harm reduction #but these convos ring so similarly to abuse situations #the fear ‘if you leave your husband he will kill you’#needs met with ‘so we need to work to get you to leave as safely as possible’#which will take time and require building safety nets #but it is ABSOLUTELY NOT NOT NOT #not ‘time to make peace with being here and just make my situation as nice as I can’#people who stay under abuse are not cowards #people trying to protect you who question your assesement of risk also aren’t cowards #but people on the sideline watching you make a move alerting everyone so they can publicly shame your attempt to escape sure are

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onlyfangz · 3 months

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a lot of policing around what words trans people choose to describe themselves and their experiences lately and its honestly concerning.

apologies, officer. i didnt mean to offend. do you want to check to make sure my gender is the same one in my bio? maybe get me to strip and count how many articles of clothing that im wearing match my gender? no, you're right, why bother? let's just bring the paddywagon round just to be safe.

#charlie.txt #and for those who cant read subtext: some of you are indistinguishable from the stonewall cops

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incarnateirony · 11 months

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Damn yall, jumping right to the archives, are we? Finally bothering to read all the shit you stuck your head in the sand and screamed against impulsively?

Yall blease someone get the paddywagon for these ladies, they are so obsessed they're trying to figure out how to avoid me routing them to a rickroll every time they show up, but only them. VPNs didn't work. Relays didn't work. Coming in bare assed thinking I wouldn't notice wouldn't work. They got hit with Gabriel NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UUUUUUUUUUUP three times in the last hour. (over a dozen times in the last day or two, but 3 around when they were digging.)

All while having burned upwards of 2 years on convincing themselves me ignoring them was a sign they won or tricked me, because the retards think they're the center of the universe and were bragging about shit that had nothing to do with their shitty rigs. And now they've been eating dirt off of my outright automation of STILL mostly ignoring them, for THREE DAYS, and they're just. They're still trying to find a way. And they still think they're in any way looking powerful. Or remotely sane.

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zwoelffarben · 1 year

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Y'all not ready for this dream.

So my brother and I (I do not have a brother) go time travelling because reasons and wind up in I think it's hawaii, but in an alternate universe wher the islands are bigger.

Our time machine crashes so we're stuck until we can get the parts to fix it, and with no ideas we head down the road towards town were we see a roving pack of feral gangster hogs harassing a local business man, so we steal their car.

Only problem is neither of us can drive stick so we crash it a few miles down when it fails to shift gears. This is the start of the police search for us. But, we see another shake down happening and intervene. This leads us through a recidential district to a 'historically significant' Black man's house, and he's like "Ah hell nah, I can smell the trouble on ya." but the his wife is like, "Let em in." So we go in, there a bit about how curtains aren't considered the same here as they are elsewhere.

Turns out the historically significant Black man was a dentist. so we're in his office when the pigs but down the door looking through ever 'troublemakers' house for us without a warrent. We surrender ourselves and are now in the back of a paddywagon with the rest of a blues brothers gang worth of troublemakers.

As we're passing by a concert hall, we slip our cuffs and get out. The musicians go do the blues brothers thing, and here the dream splits into two different scenarios. A. we take a turn into some secret catecombs under the concert venue which was the reason we timetravelled. or B. we take a radio show covering the concert hostage and explain the events of the dream live on the air, before saying a secret code word that our contact at the time traveling agency'll hear and be like "shit: I guess I need to get off my ass and extract them."

Also, I was a deer the entire time.

And then I woke up.

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absentmoon · 2 years

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"Of all the jobs that it would be hard to find out your friend does, I think like them banging on your door and arresting you, that’s really rough. But I think the worst one, would be if you found out your friend was Jigsaw."

Justin: [Imitating Jigsaw - J] “Pick up the bandsaw you find at your fe–”

“I bought you this?”

Griffin: “I bought you this bandsaw”

Justin: “I bought you this for your birthday.”

Griffin: “Hey no, this is my fucking bandsaw, I let you borrow it.”

Justin: “Yeah wait a minute... this is mi-!”

[J] “You can have it back afterwards.”

Travis: [J] “You’ll have to find the key.”

“You gave me your spare keys.”

[J] “Oh.”

Griffin: [J] “Oh shit, that’s right. Anyway, fill up this bucket with your own butt meat.”

“No!”

[J] “It’ll raise the port-.”

“I don’t wanna raise the portcullis.”

[Laughter]

Travis: “Is this your den?”

[J] “It is”

“I love what you’ve done.”

Justin: [J] “Am I still going to see you for a barbeque on Thurs-”

Griffin: “Yes!”

Justin: “Yes, fine wait until we’ve come. We said we’d be there.”

[J] “Guess what we’re having”

“I don’t wanna guess what we’re having.”

Travis: [J] “Pork butt”

Justin: “I’ll stick to potato salad. I’ll stick to potato salad and pre-packaged Kroger Cookies.”

Griffin: [J] “Guess what we’re gonna be having?”

“Are you gonna grill and cook my... butt meat that I put in the bucket to counterweight the pork cullus?”

[J] “No, we got Kosher franks.”

Travis: [J] “Don’t be a dick”

Griffin: [J] “Don’t be a dick about this. The butt meat– I can’t believe I have to explain this to you. The butt meat portcullis maze trap. It’s suppose to teach you about the value of your life and stuff.”

Travis: [J] “I love you.”

Griffin: [J] “I love you.”

Travis: [J] ”You’ve just seemed really down lately and I wanna make you appreciate the things that you have and the butt that you’re left with.”

Justin: [as another victim] “Uh so can I go or are you two gonna?”

Travis: “Hey. Do you mind? We’re working some shit out.”

Griffin: [Sounds of pain] “Okay I filled the bucket with my butt meat to open the portcullis, can I go?”

[J] “One moment. You’re also under arrest. That’s right.”

Travis: [J] “Officer Jigsaw.”

Justin: [Laughs loudly] [J] “Reporting for duty.”

Travis: [J] “I’m also a doctor, and a lawyer. I have a lot of free time.”

Griffin: [J] “Get in my paddy-wagon.”

“Can I stand up in the paddy-wagon? Do I have to sit down? Cause I have a situation back here now.”

[J] “I love you a lot.”

“I know we’re good friends.”

Travis: [J] “I love you so much”

Griffin: “We’re really good friends.”

[J] “You introduced me to my wife”

“Yeah I did. That’s right.”

Justin: [J] “Greg sit up front. You don’t need to ride in the back of the paddywagon with that other weiner.”

Travis: “Can I change the music?”

Griffin: “Put a towel down.”

Travis: [J] “We’ll listen to the new Adele album.”

Justin: “I bought you that new–”

[J] “Thank you, you really know my tastes”

Griffin: [J] “It was a gift for my adult Bar Mitzvah. I’m the most interesting character the Mcelroy brothers have ever conceived.”

Travis: [J] “They’ve been sitting on me for a while. Which is ironic because you won’t be sitting on anything.”

#THE ENTIRE FREAKIGN. JIGSAW BIT ITS LONGGGGG #—MBMBaM 358: Detective Jigsaw My Very Best Friend #daisy.txt

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realasslesbian · 2 years

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Anyway, I’m just annoyed this evening bc a man physically assaulted me today (i.e. deliberately did a burn out on his dirtbike as I was getting out my car, right in front of me, I have a black eye and a broken windshield from the rocks). But dw bout me, I beat the shit out his ass, and trashed his shitty fucking bike. I didn’t leave there in an ambulance, I left in the paddywagon, bc the cops wanted to question me, I beat his ass that bad. They saw the dashcam footage tho (and had a bit of a laff) so they’re not pursuing it in any case. But I’m still annoyed and I swear to god I see his ass walking on the street when I’m in town tomorrow imma wail on him again.

#also #why yes it is my thirtieth birthday today #I did end up in a police station after all #amazing #I'm like a fortune teller #but only for my own bullshit #lmao #additionally #before this incident #my fridge broke #I lost a couple hundred dollars of meats #then my car battery failed #and I got it working via by frankensteining a solar panel to charge it #bc no one would jump start me #but the minute I got it working I drove over a screw and got a flat tyre #so it's actually pretty incredible I got far enough to get dirtbiked #universe fuckery achievement unlocked I'd say

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straye · 2 years

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"trust me, you do not wanna carpool with me." psycho-pass >:)

GTA V SENTENTENCE PROMPTS (18+). — accepting!

“Or what, you’re going to send this whole thing crashing?”

Kogami never lets anyone’s prickliness get to him, and he learns to completely wave it off when it’s Thana’s greeting to him on their first mission together that doesn’t call for the paddywagon.

While Inspector Ginoza might have taken Thana up on that threat and switched cars entirely, Kogami and Inspector Tsunemori were far less inclined, the latter of whom took a gentle approach to tell Thana that this won’t be so bad after all, but the former lights a cigarette as he settles into the driver’s seat, tapping at the navigation system to get them en route.

And you know what, just for that?

“Buckle up,” Kogami says as his first and final warning; though in possession of three different drivers licenses, he pulls out of the parking space like a bat out of hell, lays his foot heavy on the gas as they zoom out of the garage lot.

They pass Ginoza’s car, to which he receives a message in his mail shortly after doing so, but in the rearview mirror, he can see Kagari’s waving hand shrink from the backseat as Kogami gains speed and distance.

Every merge sends the bodies in the car sliding against the (thankfully locked) doors, and every red light has them launching forward.

“Kogami-san!” Inspector Tsunemori chastises him herself, but Kogami looks to the rearview mirror at Thana, who promised them hell on this ride.

I’m not stuck in this car with you. You’re stuck in this car with me.

#vtriol #by this，and this only，we have existed. ∶ ( ic. )#i myself become the wounded person. ∶ ( v. enforcer )#till human voices wake us，and we drown. ∶ ( answered. )#Gino: I’d rather die than be passenger to an enforcer bye // Ko vc: watch this

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arathergrimreaper · 2 years

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You know, I hate that Pride is in June because it's way too hot for me to really want to do anything for it. Then again, maybe the heat is part of Stonewall happening at all (despite the planet being much cooler back then than it is now). I can see myself getting riled up enough to start a fucking riot in 70° weather after being beaten and groped and driven into a paddywagon too.

#anya says shit #isaac was so right about the heat #he is the only legit person and he is fictional

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oqal · 2 years

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Once May hits the toddler phase, she sits mostly under the meeting table as the adults work because theres no daycare, and she's usually content, til she manages to sneak away and is just scaling up the wall like a mountain goat, to be noticed once she's 10 ft in the air by Andre, Why is she scaling it you may ask? She say a spider and wanted to catch it

andre: uhhh…. may’s on the ceiling.

reagan: wh- (looks up at may hanging off a pipe like a monkey bar) GOD DAMMIT BRETT GET THE PADDYWAGON

may: (screams)

#asks #breagan family

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beast-feast · 3 years

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I FOUND THE GIRLS SIMPING FOR TAKOYAMA TAKE THEM AWAY!!!!!

#GET THE PADDYWAGON #jk jk but PLEASE don't call him hot 😩 he is NOT #not art #parappa the rapper #hairdresser octopus #ptr takoyama #takoyama

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mikaze-discord · 3 years

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#utapri #utanoprincesama #uta no prince sama #reiji kotobuki #kotobuki reiji #ai mikaze #mikaze ai #ranmaru kurosaki #kurosaki ranmaru #GET THE PADDYWAGON

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siegesquirrel42 · 3 years

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FE3H Idea: John Mulaney's "The One Thing You Can't Replace" - Black Eagles Fancast

John Mulaney: Dorothea. (Petra would also suffice.)

Jake MacNamara: Bernadetta. (Although you could get away with having it be Flayn, seeing as Seteth is a clear Mr. MacNamara.)

The kid who sh*ts on the computer: Caspar, of course.

The kid who breaks the pool table: Ferdinand. (He shouts "I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR" before he leaps, too.)

The kid who noticed the police were there: Either Linhardt or Petra.

The police: The Knights, of course. (I can just picture Shamir saying "get the paddywagon.")

John's friend John: Edelgard. (You look at this girl and tell me she wouldn't throw a 40 on the ground and yell "SCATTER!!")

Alex, the kid who stole the photos: Hubert. 100% Hubert.

#fe3h #fire emblem three houses #fire emblem #fe #memes #john mulaney #edelgard von hresvelg #hubert von vestra #ferdinand von aegir #bernadetta von varley #dorothea arnault #petra macneary #caspar von bergliez #linhardt von hevring #black eagles #shamir nevrand #flayn #seteth #the one thing

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allthecanadianpolitics · 3 years

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was at the protest in halifax today and can confirm that a child was maced in front of my eyes. my friend ran down the street to where most of the paramedics were located to try and get help but was told by cops that medics wouldn’t be going up to the area where most of the people who got sprayed were and they would have to bring the kid to them instead. cops also used police bicycles to push protesters away from blocking the paddywagon carrying the man who had been occupying the top of the shelter who had been arrested. a protester in front of me was knocked to the ground w a bike and hit her head on the pavement or the curb (not sure). police wouldn’t let other protesters help her up and continued pushing them back so it took a minute or two to get her to her feet. the police van had begun moving at this point and came dangerously close to running her over. saw tons of other people get knocked over and dragged off the street. a lot of the cops had either removed or covered their name badges as well. i’m literally so disgusted by hrp and the city of halifax they do not give a shit about the safety of any of us

~~~~

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365days365movies · 3 years

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April 9, 2021: Some Like it Hot (1959) (Recap: Part One)

If there was ever a movie more hyped than this one...

Ever heard of the American Film Institute? Well, according to them in 2000 (recent, I know), this is the funniest comedy...period. At the time, anyway. That beats Tootsie (getting there), Dr. Strangelove (love it), Annie Hall (also loved it), Duck Soup (classic), Blazing Saddles (classic, topical, and fantastic), M*A*S*H (maybe later this year), It Happened One Night (maybe next year), The Graduate (later this WEEK), and...THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN Airplane! IS NUMBER 10? You CANNOT be seri...yeah, OK, you know where I’m going.

Anyway. Yeah, so, maybe AFI has Oscar syndrome, because that’s a little bullshit. So, uh...how about the BBC? In 2017, they asked 253 film critics ACROSS THE GLOBE what the best comedy of all time was, and number ONE was Some Like it Hot. Other than beating Airplane! again, it also beat Groundhog Day, Monty Python’s Life of Brian and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, This is Spinal Tap, The Big Lebowski, and His Girl Friday, and...well, every comedy you can think of. This movie CANNOT be that funny.

...Can it?

But there’s more to this film than that. Apparently, it was made without the approval of the MPPDA, which means that it wasn’t Hays Code adherent! Damn! In fact, this film was partially responsible for its collapse about 6 years later! But what is the Hays Code? Well, briefly covered, it was a set of standards laid out by Will Hays and his Motion Picture Produces and Distributors of America, or the MPPDA. It was enforced in the mid 1930s, and stood firmly in place until 1968, when it basically disappeared.

So, what are these standards? Well, there are a lot, but in a nutshell:

No cursing or taking the Lord’s name in vain in any way.

No nudity, real or suggested. And sex is kind of OK, if consensual and between a man and a woman ONLY. But, they can’t be in bed together, and they can only kiss one time, IF one of them isn’t a villain.

No weddings, no wedding nights, and barely any reference to marriage.

No prostitution, or what was called “white slavery”. Yes. Really.

Oh, also, no weird race-mixing stuff. What’s a “civil rights”?

Buuuuuuut...don’t insult any races either. Of course, considering the time period, “insult” or “offense” is probably subjective, so...fuck that, I guess.

PRIESTS ARE HOLY AND CANNOT BE MOCKED

No guns, fire, American flags, murder, smuggling, drugs, hanging, electrocution, or...law enforcement?

No childbirth, seen or inferred, and no naked kids. I mean...that’s common sense, to be completely fair.

NO RACE-MIXI-oh. Oh, I said that already, didn’t I? Well, OK, I’ll pare it down a little. They can’t have sex, but I guess...looking at each other is OK? Yeah, yeah, we’ll go with that. I’m progressive!

That about covers it. And this movie wasn’t adherent to it? Oh...well, I am excited! Let’s jump right in! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

The whole thing starts with a bang; literally. It's Chicago in 1929, smack dab in the middle of the Prohibition Era, and a group of gangsters are smuggling some alcohol inside of a coffin, while riding in a hearse. The cops aren't fooled, ad a shootout takes place between the gangsters and the cops, but they eventually drop off as the group takes the coffin into a funeral home. At the funeral home, a man named “Toothpick” Charlie (George E. Stone) meets with Mulligan (Pat O’Brien) a detective who’s got Charlie as his informant. With his help, he makes his way into the funeral home, actually a speakeasy in disguise.

Said speakeasy is run by “Spats” Colombo (George Raft), and within the speakeasy is a massive party, which the partygoers call a funeral. Spats arrives there shortly afterwards, and Mulligan watches all the while. Also at this party is a group of dancers accompanied by a band, which contains two partners, ladies’ man and sax player Joe (Tony Curtis) and anxious double bassist Jerry (Jack Lemmon).

The two talk about what they’re going to do with their upcoming paycheck, with Joe planning on using it for gambling on dog races. Jerry is understandably worried about this, as they owe rent, but Joe rattles off other things that he might was well worry about.

Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn! Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Fun fact, though: the stock market’s about to crash in a year, Pickford and Fairbanks divorce in 1936, and the Dodgers left Brooklyn in 1957, famously. Lake Michigan has not overflowed...YET. It’s actually at record high water levels, and could cause flooding around it in the next few years. So, although those middle three were DEFINITELY part of the joke...that last one wasn’t at the time. Of course, it’s actually there as a line to set Jerry up with a way to tell him that the streets are “about to flood”, as he spots Mulligan and makes him. He tells Joe, and they both quietly pack up their instruments and leave, BEFORE the ruckus is about to begin.

And begin it does, and the cops raid the place almost immediately afterwards. As the party’s broken up and people are loaded into the paddywagon (Spats included), Joe and Jerry take their chance to escape behind the cops’ backs. However, this also means that the two musicians aren’t getting paid after all. Joe’s still set on betting money on the dog the next day, and get the money for the bet by selling their coats. However, while they do sell their coats, they instead end up looking for jobs at a local music agency, run by Sig Poliakoff (Billy Gray).

The agency is recruited by band owner Sweet Sue (Joan Shawlee) and her nebbish band manager Bienstock (Dave Barry), as they need a bass and a sax player to replace two of their own, in their band in Florida. On hearing this from Poliakoff’s secretary Nellie (Barbara Drew), the two barge into the office. However, much to their dismay, the only ones they’re looking for are women. While Jerry tries to weasel their way in, it doesn’t quite work, and they instead take a job up north for a Valentine’s Day dance. The two go to a garage to borrow a car from Nellie in order to get to the job. There, playing cards, is Toothpick Charlie with a group of men. But then...somebody else arrives.

Spats and his men arrive at the garage, and tell all of the men to stand with their hands on the wall. Joe and Jerry, however, manage to hide in the garage. And if you know anything about Valentine’s Day during Prohibition Era Chicago...then you know exactly what’s about to happen to Toothpick and the guys.

After the massacre (based upon the real St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, Jerry makes a noise and alerts the gang to their presence. This is a problem, because Spats isn’t keen on the idea of witnesses, and immediately orders the musicians killed.With a distraction caused by the still-alive-but-dying Charlie, the two manage to escape Spats’ wrath. Now needing a fast way out of town, Joe figures out a plan. See, that job, the one from Sweet Sue, is in Florida, which is far enough away that they should be able to escape. But, uh...the band is only looking for women. And so...

This is the second most famous thing about the film. Meet Josephine and Daphne, the female aliases of Joe and Jerry respectively. As Jerry realizes the difficulties of the female wardrobe (namely skirts and heels), the two walk up to the band of women, known as “Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators.” But they aren’t the only arrivals, and the other is the MOST famous thing about this movie...

This is Sugar “Kane” Kowalczyk, the lead singer, ukelele player, and...OK, look, it’s Marilyn Monroe, and I think I need to acknowledge this now. Marilyn Monroe is an underrated talent today, but she had a hell of a lot of potential as an actress and as an individual. She had a lot of troubles, and her early death by suicide is an absolute tragedy, no matter how you slice it. She’s a talented actress and singer, and she deserves recognition for that.

SHE IS ALSO INSANELY HOT I’M SORRY I’M WEAK

Look...it’s Marilyn fucking Monroe, OK? I know, I’m a straight cissexual man, but I wanted to make a point to acknowledge the fact that Marilyn Monroe is a talent far outside of her beauty and physicality. She (and all women) deserve that much, and deserve not to be objectified by the male gaze. I genuinely agree with this, and I do understand that concept. I’ll never personally understand the female experience, but it’s my responsibility and duty as an individual to understand experiences foreign to my own, including this one.

But DEAR LORD, her physicality is not easy to ignore, now and then! I mean COME ON! The woman’s considered a standard of classic beauty to this day by many (not by all, and not by herself), and it’s unfortunately her most famous feature to nearly everybody. But, of course, Monroe got a lot of grief for her looks as well (which is bullshit), and the stress of her life sadly led to her terrible suicide. But that doesn’t mean that her beauty inside and out shouldn’t be appreciated for what it is: beauty.

ALSO SHE IS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS I’M WEAK I KNOW

See, the train agrees with me! Oh...OH RIGHT, THE MOVIE! OK, where was I. Well, Joe and Jerry agree with me about Sugar Kane, but it is the 1950′s when the film is made, so of course they do. They watch her get on, and they follow suit, meeting the women of the band, and Sugar Kane. Sugar, see, has a teensy bit of an alcohol problem. That’s not necessarily to say she’s an alcoholic, but she is admonished for it by Sweet Sue and Bienstock, also being a repeat offender of drinking during working hours. That (and men) is something that Sweet Sue doesn’t tolerate.

She’s almost in trouble that night, when her flask falls from her stocking during a performance. However, Jerry covers for her, much to her appreciation. As they settle in for the night, all of the girls (including Joe and Jerry) sleep in the same cabin, much to the, uh, frustration of Jerry, despite Josephine’s urgings to keep it together. As Jerry continually reminds himself that he’s posing as a girl, he’s surprised that night with the appearance of Sugar, who comes to thank her for her help that night. Sugar tells “Daphne” that she owes her one, and also climbs into the cot with him to hide from Sweet Sue. Jerry...that poor mother fucker.

Well, Jerry tries to ease the tension by offering some of Joe’s whisky. But more of the girls overhear this, and eventually, a massive party erupts, with all the girls mixing drinks and sharing the single space of Jerry’s bed. Joe wakes up from all of this, and tries to help end the party, only for Sugar to climb out of it, and ask Joe for help with a block of ice for the drinks.

It’s here that she reveals that she used to work with men’s bands, but joined this band to get away from men. This is especially to get away from her weakness: tenor sax players. This intrigues Joe, the tenor sax player. However, she’s essentially sworn off of tenor sax players because of multiple bad relationships, and is instead hoping to find a millionaire in Florida, preferably one with a yacht. Meanwhile, Jerry’s bed is getting a little too full, and the girls are getting a little TOO familiar. They start to tickle him, and to prevent his cover being blown, Jerry pulls the train’s emergency brake. All of the girls scatter as the train stops, and they manage to get away with the party as Sweet Sue and Bienstock wake up only then.

The train gets to Florida, and the girls make their way into a hotel. As they check in, Jerry (as Daphne) is spotted by Osgood Fielding III (Joe E. Brown), a millionaire, and a man with eclectic tastes in women. And those tastes apparently include Daphne, as he unsubtly (and unwantedly) hits on her. And Jerry’s having none of it. After Osgood pinches him in the elevator, he gets off after slapping him. Unfortunately, that makes Osgood only want Daphne THAT MUCH MORE. This man...this man may just be the legendary alpha simp of which the stories tell.

Meanwhile, Joe manages to get ahold of Beinstock’s luggage and glasses. He steals his clothes (after fending off an overeager bellboy), and uses them to dress as a millionaire. Why? Why, to seduce Sugar, of course!

This is right at the halfway point, so we’ll pick this up in Part Two! See you there!

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