#he never broke their rules

[ghostreblogging]

Danny and Damian are twins au again

Ok so what if like Danny and Damian were twins. But like Danny was the stickler for rules . Like never wore anything but the league outfits. Just never even joked .

And they meet years later.

When the villain said they'll bring the souls of the people they killed to fight them. He was expecting the people he killed to be in the thoudands. Damian was arleady a little nervous.

And Damian didn't get nervous but how could he not be? His family is going to meet his twin brother. His father is going to meet his son he never got to meet.

The villain seemed to notice his apprehension and laughed. People he killed drove out in large numbers. And there he saw his brother. It was unmistakable. But his brother wore a weird outfit.

He never strayed far from simple and respectable clothes. Always a stickler for rules. And had on multiple occasions scolded him for not wearing his equipment properly.

But now he was wearing multiple unnecessary belts and was wearing a platform boots with spikes soles.

My doodle for this Danny.

#danny phantom #dp x dc #danny fenton #danny phantom au #is this done yet? #dc x dp #danny phantom crossover #dp x dc prompt #You can make it so it's just what he wears or sam #ember and kitty made him. It just seems hilarious #that damian when taliing about danny was like #he never strayed far from rules #he was a killing machine #he always wore league garb #he was ruthless when it came to people who broke rules #he once killed one of his attendants because he dared to talk out of tirn #people said he didnt have a soul. #then they finally meet like summoned or something aand hes like #slayyy #wearing super high platforms that he can tower over jason but hes a short King

[siyuri]

These perfectly symmetrical beings with unique colours, smooth and perfect, better than many beads, they were just food to him? For humans or fish? © Underline the Blue by amazing  @not-poignant

#new #well I broke my promise to myself to never draw oc not from behind #so I am really sorry if he looks nothing like the real one should look and it somehow offends or upsets you :/ #I love him tho #really really much #his poetic colourful mind is the favourite pov I have rn to read #I was in love with his poetry in FFS and always wanted more and now it is a whole story of his magical thoughts so thank you #and apparently I can't draw Princes without any blue #blue and black #it's a rule actually in my head now #and I wanted to draw your clouds #because they are amazing #and even if they look different - yours are the inspiration #and I learned a new word - lanky :D

[sprucewoodmpreg]

i know grian wants 2 make it so every new season of the lifesmp has a new gimmick but part of me also wishes he would consider doing the 3rd life rules again. just 2 see how differently people would approach playing with those guidelines for the second time

#like. they have much more experience now so. hm #it'd never happen because. he's clearly gunning for the gimmick thing. and 3l only worked bc ppl broke a lot of rules LOL #i can still think abt it though ^_^

[bisexualelphie]

julie e os fantasmas (original julie and the phantoms) was so wild. like, what do you mean the boys were crushed to death by a truck? what do you mean julie has committed more than one crime? what do you mean the main triangle consists of a rockstar with a closet dnd player vs a my chemical romance revenge era rejected song? what do you mean the ghost love interest was a menace to society in life and public enemy number 1 in death? what do you mean he was tortured more than once? what do you mean there was a dude trying to enslave ghosts and this plotline only lasted two episodes????

#julie e os fantasmas #julie and the phantoms #julie and the phantoms og #this show shaped my entire personality #it was my childhood #i didn't realize how wild it was until i watched it as an adult #the one with the creepy teacher is particularly crazy #he actually breaks into julie's house and finds a way to physically torture GHOSTS #i love the remake but the original shaped me y'all don't understand #and i love luke but daniel is just so iconic #i wasn't lying about him being a menace #the dude broke into a hotel (by pushing the lobby guy and running) and caused chaos just to get his idol to listen to his band's music #and somehow got a hamburger out of it #and not only is he (all three of them are #but demetrius targets daniel specifically) being chased by the chief of the ghost police #he also completely throws 500 years of ghost laws out the window by causing a rebellion with just one story #“i never followed the rules when i was alive i'm not gonna follow them now that i'm dead” he took that seriously #also julie thinks cheating at school is wrong but she has no problem with breaking into places or potentially injuring thalita #her pettiness knows no boundaries lmfao #they truly are meant for each other 🤩 #too bad he's dead #daniel every two episodes: i could make her worse #while he doesn't know that most of the crimes julie commits are of her own volition #i love my angsty little criminals #juliel #julie x daniel

[maegalkarven]

I understand what you’re saying about the Chosen of the dead 3, but I think Orin and Gortash are in the same boat. She wasn’t part of the plan at all, she killed or tried to kill her sibling to actively be part of the plan. She wasn’t even Bhaal’s chosen, she forced into that position herself. And if her abuse is grounds for understanding, then I’d say Gortash’s abuse is too. Sold to a devil as a child and tortured for years until he escapes and he grasps at anything to be in control so no one can control / hurt him again. I think he’s a shit person that did shit things, but I do like the character. And I don’t think Orin’s abuse outweighs that of Gortash. Someone/something messed them both up really bad. Bhaal uses Orin’s bloodlust and trauma to get her to do what he wants, Bane uses Gortash’s fear and need for control to get him to do what he wants. Gortash isn’t more/less redeemable because he’s the smart one that put the plan together. Also being Bane’s chosen means if he fails, he’s tortured for eternity. After being tortured for years, I’d imagine he’d do quite literally anything to not end up there again. Either they’re both redeemable or they’re both not in my eyes at least. Ketheric is the most redeemable for sure, he started out with a decent reason at least.

Gortash is my absolute fav actually because of all the layers. He's a fucking onion.

"Trapped in narrative- escaping the narrative"wise Gortash is the only one who actively walks into His.

He could do anything he wanted after escaping Hells. He wasn't exactly chained up or forced to climb the ladder to world domination.

Back then he still had a choice, even if his mind, twisted and turned by being Raphael's captive, didn't want that choice. Because fear is a strong thing, fear can control person in the worst possible ways. I believe Gortash chose "be the worst ever so no one can hurt him again" road and narrative himself.

But he CHOSE it. (The same way, some might argue, Ketheric chose not letting Isobel go, but I think Ketheric simply wasn't able to let her go)

Orin is different because she didn't exactly force herself into the narrative; she had always been in the narrative. She was born into the narrative.

No Bhaalspawn is ever free and no Bhaalspawn is ever not Bhaal's tool. She would inevitably be put on Durge's path because Bhaal loves putting his children against each other and because only One Bhaalspawn can remain. She even tried to play by the rules and challenged Durge, who didn't take her seriously and refused.

Both Orin and Gortash are more tragic than Ketheric because they're broken children who can never let it go.

Gortash is willingly not letting it go while Orin is literally trapped in it (her family, her cult, Father Bhaal in her head).

Ketheric is someone who, if convinced he can actually redeem himself (and if Isobel is alive), would try it.

Orin can only be redeemed if you forcibly take her out of her cult and cut off Bhaal's influence getting DIRECTLY INTO HER MIND. (Bhaal doesn't really have children, only victims)

Orin could easily be on Durge's place, tadpoled and amnesiac. Tbh I feel like her losing memory is the only way she could ever break free because for her where was nothing but Cult and Bhaal. She wasn't allowed anything else. Confronted with the truth about her upbringing, she's horrified; she also had been punished by Bhaal before for disobedience, Bhaal commands her what to do and Bhaal literally strips her of her own will and body because this is what Bhaal does. But if we can claw her out of it, knock her memories away and cut Bhaal off? Then she has a chance.

That's pretty much the only way she can have it (there's a reason Jaheira calls her lost soul).

But Gortash would not want redemption because he was not forced into the path of tyranny. He chose it. He quite likes it up on the top. He's comfortable over there being the worst and selling people and giving explosives to children. The only thing better would be if he had someone to share his kingdom with, someone who gets his genius.

If put on the ground, he will try to climb right back again. He doesn't care about freeing himself because in his mind only on the very top is where he is free. This narrative not his cage, it's his castle, he build it and he's not giving it up.

That's why any attempt to actually "redeem" him would fail because he is Not Interested in That. He is interested in Power and Being the Biggest and Strongest. Also so ppl would love him, idk how he plans to balance it out with his tyranny, but he pretty much requires the gaping audience. Admire him, everyone.

I have several plots of dragging him off his high horse bc the other alternative is his death, but all these plots require things to be the way where he's actively stripped of power in some way or another bc only his own survival will make him somewhat cooperate on an equal level (one particular ally, durge or tav, but more often durge aside). He is not a team player. He pretends he is.

There are, sure, some AU salvations for him, but no redemption because He Genuinely Does Not Regret a Thing, nor will he.

Neither is Orin, but Orin is a broken doll with a god of murder in her head. She lost herself so long time ago no one even recalls it.

Gortash has himself because no one ever had him. He will do anything for his survival and this is why he does not want or require redeeming. Not dying from Netherbrain, that's another story. But he inevitably always serves his own interests first.

Orin fights for the awful love and approval of a cruel god, Ketheric's love for his daughter transcends her death.

Orin and Ketheric's narratives are two sides of the same coin.

"A child craving affection of a cruel parent" VS "parent doing unimaginable horrors bc of the love for their child."

Gortash is out of that particular narrative, his narrative is "There's No One But Me. Only I Matter. No one loved me so I will love me in excess. No one loved me so no one deserves my love".

It is an echo and awful influence of his tragic past, but it's something he actively chooses. He loves that narrative of his, even if it doesn't exactly fulfill him 100% (because it's lonely on the top. Because somewhere deep inside Enver Flymm still lives. Because he can't let Enver Flymm go no matter now pathetic that past self of his is).

His tragedy is of being lonely af and not admitting it/not having anyone to match him in his genius, but not his Tyrant Path. This one he chose for himself.

The thing is, of course gods use their Chosen ones. I think Gortash knows that, and I think he also actively uses Bane. He wears the coat protecting him from the fear and is a chosen of a Dread Lord. That's telling. He doesn't actually serve Bane, he serves himself and aligns himself with Bane for as long as it works for him.

#lord enver gortash #enver gortash #ketheric thorm #orin the red #it's about the choice and the illusion of it #orin never had the illusion of choice #you don't have that being raised as a child of bhaal in a temple of bhaal #ketheric could not live with the choices he was given and so he broke the rules #gortash had choices but his vision was impaired by his life's experiences #he has a tunnel vision #someone once said gortash would def try to otherthrow bane if the control over the absolute was gained and i totes agree with it #and in the whole 'hubris' way too #There's nothing too high for him to climb #no heights he would not try to reach #no head he would not step on to climb #is it a tragedy of his messed up childhood? yeah. is he content with it? Yeah #me forcibly dragging enver from the top bc I love him: No. No power for you. get tadpoled. get abandoned by bane. #idk get a child what will lock you into a prison of caring for someone else. You will get Better No Matter How Much You Struggle #Enver Gortash is such a good example of Doing The Worst Choices for His Own Well Being #And actively destroying everything by that #like he can't outrun being human he can't outrun having feeling and needing others and being lonely #But gods does he try does this stupid fucker try

[piedoesnotequalpi]

Despite my best efforts, I have to name another character

#oh katherine's mother needs a name since she's appearing in the next chapter. #what was the name of the actual historical katherine pulitzer's mother? #i am terrible at naming characters so i usually just take the names of various people i know #especially if they're just being mentioned in passing #anyway the reason this is relevant today is that i was like #turns out it's also katherine/kate #because joseph pulitzer hid the fact that he was jewish from kate until after they were married and was not very observant to my knowledge #and so he broke the number one ashkenazi jewish naming rule: don't name your kid after the living #but in the bachelorette au katherine explicitly mentions being raised jewish which makes her mother also being named katherine very unlikel #so now i have to figure out a name for an obnoxious suburbanite! whoo! #anyway hope you enjoyed today's fun history facts with isabel! tune in never for no more fun history facts! #bachelorette au #isabel.tex #katherine plumber

[chirpsythismorning]

📝 💐 🛼 💔⏪️💭🧊🌄❤️‍🩹

More Than Words by Extreme

previous ⏪︎ now playing ⏩ next back to playlist

#bizarre love triangle playlist #stranger things #el hopper #el's pov #okay so basically this song sort of captures el's series long realization coming to a head #which is that she never needed to hear mike say i love you for it to be real #she needed to feel it based on his actions #i don't necessarily think she was going to break up with mike here #because arguably she already dumped his ass with that from el letter #HOWEVER i do think she was prepared to solidify her concerns and how she feels now #maybe her hope was to rid mike of his misery and try to meet him on his level and put all of this fake nonsense to rest #with them both coming to the decision mutually that it would be better for them to focus on being friends #bc she will always want that even if mike is too much of a peabrain to realize that it's even an option for them (yet) #he's giving her all these signals up to this point that he does not have romantic feelings for her #it was never about him not being able to say i love you (tho it contributed in that he avoided it) #it was the fact that she needed to hear it at all to believe it that cemented their permanent romantic fallout #a consistent parallel between the endgame couples is that none of them ever say i love you out loud #bc they show it! and the other person knows as a result! #which follows the whole 'show dont tell' rule #el basically broke up with mike in vol 1 and was prepared to not see him for a long time or ever again #but then they were reuniting and she was so relieved that didn't have to be the case #and yet mike isn't kissing her #he's not saying he loves her #he's stalling #but i think el takes it as him respecting her decision to finally call it quits via her from el letter and that maybe he's matured since s3 #but then he's rambling and dancing around his words #and you can literally see the pity start to be written all over her face #it's as if she's realizing he's going to try to mend their romantic relationship AGAIN even tho she can tell his heart isn't in it #she looks confused and almost disappointed #then abruplty romeo is interrupted

[halfyearsqueen]

thinking about her and her two eldest sons

#like the juxtaposition behind how she broke so wholly when told about luke and how Jaces death ‘ hardened her. Burned away the rest of her #fears and she resolved to tear aegon down from the throne or die trying ‘ #jace was her heir her strength and consolation 😭 he was the only worthy heir to the throne #and he died so suddenly and so brutally and like ? #and after he died she just ? she lost it 😭 she well and truly did #it wasn’t even about her sitting the throne it was about making sure aegon didn’t #if the realm wouldn’t truly accept a queen she would’ve sooner abdicated to him then bend the knee to her brother a la Matilda #but they very much were going to accept her #and did. And so she kept fighting no matter how tired she was and how badly she did want to stop to be able to take a minute and process #because he was gonna rule after her #and like she’s spent half her life raising these children #and preparing them to take over these positions and she loses them #‘ brave they were and dead they are ‘ is such a simple yet painfully telling way of describing how she feels #because they are just children - and she never sent them to war but even ? that isn’t enough to keep them safe

[anotherpapercut]

my best advice to anyone who's still in middle/high school is to make your teachers think you are the nicest sweetest purest little goody two shoes on the planet so that you can get away with breaking rules fairly openly bc your teachers either won't believe it or will view it as a very minor issue since you're the perfect student

#this is how i broke a kids leg and physically injured a teacher twice with 0 repercussions #also make best friends with the snarky english teachers theyll protect you if you can match their repartee #literally just be like im such a perfect sweet little angel who is so so interested in history class #i would NEVER play cards in the empty orchestra room during class with some other kids. never would i break a rule its preposterous #if you have at least one teacher who views you like this theyll go to bat for you if you ever actually get caught :) #also just be autistic as fuck your classmates will hate you but ur teachers will infantilize you into non agency #i almost got suspended for wearing a hat all the time after being told not to then i told one of my favorite teachers #and she told the teacher who kept getting on to me to leave me alone #another year i feel asleep almost every day in biology and my astronomy teacher told him i was having a really hard time (i was) #so he ended up printing out the slides for me every day and asking my table mate to give me his notes when i fell asleep #which was so so sweet of both of them and i really needed that kindness and ill never forget it #but i think a more disruptive kid may not have received the same level of kindness

[littlelostmaybelots]

Crowley, Aziraphale, and Yoko Ono

"It was love. You can't tell me that the man who wrote Help! didn't need love. It had Help in the title! Help, I need someone! He was literally asking for it!" 

"That's your problem, Angel. The man who wrote that song already had it. Cynthia and Julian?? You remember we went and visited – ”

“– yes he really was the sweetest baby–”

“– good job on getting Paul involved there, by the way–” 

“–yes well, but like I was saying just because he was a terrible father doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve–”  

“--he was a terrible man! You saw Cynthia’s face!” 

“...well. Yes. But I thought. Perhaps with the right person.”

“Angel there is no way you thought you made Yoko happen.” 

“My miracle was that the biggest songwriter in the world, who was making every single lover in the world feel the love pouring out and pouring into them, heaven was OVERJOYED with him in the early days, by the way, well, I just wished that he would find someone who he deserved. Who deserved him. We all deserved that.” 

“...”

“What did you do?”

“Same thing, actually.” 

“No, really?? But. Huh. Do you think –”

“–yeaah, we might have come on a bit strong if we both–”

“It broke up the BAND we could have just had them have a bit of a tiff–”

“– did you know, Happiness is a Warm Gun had a real moment downstairs, I got an award–”

“Crowley! CROWLEY. Crowley.” “Come on now Angel, it all worked out. You did love While My Guitar Gently Weeps–”

“--Harrison.” 

“Oh. Here Comes the Sun, you had that on all April–”

“ALSO HARRISON.” 

“...well I mean there had to have been–” “I COULDN'T STEP OUT WITHOUT HAVING WHY DON’T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD ON BLAST–”

“-- I did like that one. Mmm. You know, Angel…”

“...what. Why are you looking at me like that. Stop it at once. Why are you coming here. I’m mad at you. ” 

“You remember Come Together?” 

“I am furious. I do NOT remember Come Together. Put your hand away at once. I’ve never heard the song in my life. Leave my buttons alone! Not Sexy Sadie either. Crowley if you must just let me shut the door at – oh you just miracled – is that even – anyway you mustn’t forget that I’m – god right there–”

“You know, it’s worth even more when an angel takes her name in vain.” “If you don’t stop talking and kiss me right now I’m going to make the Kardashians talk about communism and it will all have been in vain.”

#aziraphale and crowley #good omens season 2 #good omens 2 #GO2 #GO2 spoilers #GO2 fanart #crowley is a soft touch really #He only said come together cuz he needed an excuse #his actual favourite song was let it be #followed by don't let me down #in his head that was a close shave really bc john put his feelussy on the line and begging and it could really have gone either way #thankfully he had faith #in yoko being what he deserved #besides which isn't a little longing always a thing of beauty #aziraphale will never admit it but he loves sexy sadie actually #she broke all the rules! she made a fool of everyone! #Who does he think of every time he hears it #when the bentley played it for him he just tutted and told crowley not to be so smug #the bentley was very amused #Good Omens #Aziraphale #Crowley

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

me, listening to a podcast about a guy in prison based entirely on a coerced confession: what do you mean the members of the jury still think hes guilty now that they know about coerced confessions??? did you not hear four police officers interrogating and shouting at a 19-year-old while hes sobbing through a story inconsistent with the actual evidence???? there was no other evidence, how do you still think hes guilty???

me, ten minutes later: ...oh, right. if they say hes not guilty, that means they sent an innocent kid to prison. yeah, now that uh makes sense.

#kai rambles #i finally listened to bear brook season 2 #and i spent pretty much the entirety of it internally screaming #because this guy has spent over three decades in prison because this ''hotshot detective with the best solved case record'' had a hunch #and then bullied his way into ''proving it'' whilst leveraging criminal charges over people and interrogating people for over 10 hours and #not fucking solving anything considering he got two confessions that were both a) recanted b) inconsistent with the evidence of the case and #c) inconsistent with each other. and then his main suspect who did not confess had to be released without charge because the other two #wouldnt testify to his supposed involvement and that was the entirety of the evidence and then one of the other suspects #a kid in his early 20s got acquitted partly because that detective broke courthouse rules so he and his partner could get their stories #correct and just told the prosecutor he was doing that as if the prosecutor wouldnt tell the judge like its his job on the line too #and then the guy STILL IN PRISON today was convicted because ''why would someone confess to a murder they didnt commit?'' #and i get ''oh it was a different time'' but god the privellege of those jury members to have never been in a situation where you would say #ANYTHING to get someone to stop yelling at you or interrogating you or just hurting you in anyway. hes 19 years old and crying sylvia #also like if a detective has a very high success record #someone should check that because while maybe it is genuinely someone finding the people responsible but thats a blue moon situation #also also the guy in prison jason carroll's attorney recently found the original evidence from the case including fingernail clippings #with the blood of her presumed murdered on them and obviously the attorney cynthia wants them dna tested so she petitioned the coury #*court #and the prosecution objected saying ''there is no result from dna evidence that could exonerate jason carroll'' which is obviously a lie #because they want to keep their conviction record nice and shiny but god fuck that team so much #there was literally a serial killer who lived nearby around that time like if its his blood are you gonna argue jason was still involved?? #im very angry about it #can you tell? #i was angry crying earlier. i put the season on while i played sims expecting it to be more like the first season but nope #i was in for an angry ride instead

[gui1lermodelacruz]

(Poor Derek though. He might not be legendary, but he is a nice cute guy.)

#episode commentary #derek is so normal #i hope he never changes and they dont involve him in their cheating drama #although it's funny cause he broke yet another rule you can't be killed for #and he had no idea

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

I'm begging every character on TV to stop hanging out with their exes when they're with someone else and not telling their s/o about it. Nothing good can come from it, idiot!! Watch a movie!!

#personally I never want to see my ex boyfriend again that'd be awkward as fuck. I'm definitely not gonna go get a cup of coffee or invite #him into my house wtf #and I broke up with him very gently like it was fine he still wanted to be friends afterwards. and still! zero interest in seeing him #I'm soooooooooo sick of the jealous s/o being like what were you doing with him and the other being like 'it was totally innocent!' and the #s/o (rightfully) is like 'then why didn't you tell me about it?' and it's a whole thing and it's like was it worth it dumbass? huh? fuck #em rambles #tropes #my parents would never cheat on each other but they also have a rule that my dad doesn't like go for coffee or a meal with a woman alone #the same with my mom but with a man alone to avoid putting themselves in a situation where something might happen #the other person getting the wrong idea or it looking like something illicit to someone else when it's not etc. #which I've always thought was a good rule especially after all the dumbass fuckery I've seen on tv and in movies. just don't even risk it #don't set yourself up for temptation. just don't do it

[tillman]

Generally fascinated by depictions of trauma in media I guess.

#everyone look away the gay man is talking about leo whitefang the man DESIGNED to look like his taste in men #but shutup I dont even care hes almost boringly designed I NEED TO TALK ABOUT HIS WAR TRAUMA NOW. #HELLFIRE IS SUCH AN INSANE PIEXE OF LEOS CHARACTER THEY JUST NEVER TOUCH ON. #violet said something earlier id have to go get it #about how he starts listing off rules wheover beat him broke to win. #because in the crusades he Was the one to break the rules #he broke them. and he had to watch the consequences of his actions when everyone he was in charge of died in front of him to the gears. #and I have not stopped thinking about him since. #txt

[velvet4510]

To anyone who believes fairy tale romances never happen in real life, may I remind you that JRR and Edith Tolkien met and experienced a forbidden love in their youth, and then were separated for five whole years because of his guardian’s rules that he could not date till he was 21, and she got engaged to someone else only because she assumed he’d forgotten her and lost hope that she could ever be with him, but then on his 21st birthday, he wrote her a letter saying he still loved her and wanted to marry her, she responded basically saying ‘if I’d known you hadn’t left me on the shelf, I would never have said yes to anyone else,’ then a week later she greeted him at the train station and then immediately dumped her fiancé, and they got married and she converted to his religion and danced for him in a flowering field far away from the trenches into which he was drafted, which left such an impression that he crafted an entire story about the most beautiful maiden in the world who danced in the woods and made enormous sacrifices to be with the man she loved, and they had four kids and remained faithful to each other and blissfully grew old together and their gravestones are now marked with the names of that same fictional couple that he created, who broke every rule and overcame every possible obstacle to be together and get a happy ending, who only did all that because he based it all on their own real love story.

#jrr tolkien #edith tolkien #beren and luthien #luthien tinuviel #beren erchamion

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

#ramblies #ffs foibles #sex shop #retail #story #funny story #storytime #writing