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runnning-outof-time · 1 year

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Birmingham | Tommy Shelby x Reader (Part 20)

Previous Part

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x reader

Summary: Plans of taking over the tracks get thwarted quickly for the Shelbys as trouble makes its way into Birmingham. Tommy tells (Y/N) to stay away, but of course she can't for too long. Everything gets laid out on the table after a scary experience shakes the both of them.

Warnings: drinking, series typical violence, canon death, injury, blood

Word Count: 4426

A/N: here it is everyone…the final chapter of Birmimgham! Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck with this story…through the break and the drawn out postings. I finished it for you. I’d love to know what you think of how it ended (since I went with the winner of the poll; which was giving a ending that felt finished). Enjoy! :)

A/N 2: the italicized dialogue is taken from the show. I’d also like to give a special thanks to @alicent-targaryen for making the amazing gifsets that helped me write this chapter so quickly — they gave me so much inspiration! :) also if you’d ever like to know what the original ending for this was…feel free to reach out to me…if I get enough interest, I may just write it as a short.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

The story is finished! — I hope you enjoyed!

"Is Tommy here, or has he left already?" (Y/N) asked Polly after she entered the Watery Lane home. She found the older woman working on cleaning the mantle in the living room, and she couldn't stop herself from blurting the question out.

"He should still be upstairs," Polly answered, not even bothering to turn and properly greet (Y/N). It seemed as though she was deep into working on something.

"Can I go up?" (Y/N) asked hesitantly, not wanting to cross any lines.

Her question made Polly turn and look at her. The older woman quirked an eyebrow, probably wondering why the question was even being asked. "If you wish to. His door is at the end of the hall," she answered (Y/N)'s question. (Y/N) nodded, saying a quick thank you before she made her way to the stairs of the home.

She walked down the hall, stopping at the last door and taking a pause before she knocked on it. "Come," his voice came from inside the room, making her twist the knob and open the door. She saw him standing at the dresser, finishing up shaving.

"Hi, Tommy," she said softly, making him stop what he was doing and turn to face her.

"It's early, (Y/N)," he commented, surprised by her presence.

"I know, but I was unable to stay away...ever since you told me today would be the day; my mind won't stop," she explained her reason for being there. She'd been worried about everything that would happen today and couldn't stop herself from going to see Tommy before he left for the races.

Tommy finished up what he was doing, grabbing a rag so that he could wipe his face off before he then gave his attention to (Y/N). He could see the slight bit of worry behind her eyes, and he hated that it was there. For a moment he felt bad that he'd been the one to create it, but worry or not, he knew that she understood what had to be done.

"When will you go?" she asked him, breaking the silence that had fallen in the room.

"In a few hours," he gave a vague estimation, "I need to touch base with my brothers. There'll be a family meeting at half ten; there we'll discuss what will be done. I'd say that we'll be leaving shortly after that," he explained what had been on his list to accomplish. "You can come to the meeting, if you'd like," he then extended an invitation.

"I'll come," (Y/N) nodded, making her decision rather quickly. She figured that hearing his plan in full might serve to give her some solace.

"Good," Tommy nodded, a ghost of a smile teetering on his lips, "we'll be set after this, (Y/N)," he said to her then, his words riddled with confidence. (Y/N) smiled upon hearing it. She loved how self-assured he was; it was almost contagious.

"I'm worried," she said then, retreating back to her own way of thinking. She was itching to reach out and take hold of him from the second she'd walked in, but she didn't know if that would be received well or not. The last thing she wanted was him upset with her as he embarked on this big scheme.

"You shouldn't be," he assured her, "we've got the Lees on our side thanks to John and Esme, and Kimber will think that we're going to fight that family instead of taking to the pitches. He won't expect what'll actually happen," he gave her the rundown of his plan, still holding a great deal of confidence in it. Things were going to go his way today; he could already feel it.

"Ok," (Y/N) nodded along, trying to switch her thinking for his, "and I'll stay here...with Pol to make sure everything runs well on this end," she addressed her part in the plan.

"Good," Tommy nodded. He paused then, pulling his timepiece out so that he could check it. "Love, I should go now," he said as he slipped the watch back into its pocket.

"Ok," she repeated what she'd just said, "I just wanted to see you before you left."

"Come to the meeting," he said to her, a slight smile on his face.

"I will," she assured him, smiling also as she nodded her head.

"Come on," he said then, moving forward and placing his hand to the small of her back as he led her out of the bedroom and over to the stairs. She descended them first with him following behind. "I'll see you at half ten," he told her, walking to the door as she decided she'd stay back and see if Polly needed any help before then. It wouldn't be long until the time for the meeting came anyway; she might as well stick around.

Polly did in fact need help with minor things, and the women quickly got busy with them, passing the time between the meeting like (Y/N) hoped they would. It wasn't long until everyone was gathered in the empty betting shop; all eyes focused on Tommy as he explained the plan (Y/N) had got a preview of in full detail.

"Any other questions?" Tommy asked once he was finished explaining the plans. He looked around the room, waiting for anyone to speak up.

"Yes," it was Polly who answered as she made her way to the door that separated the betting floor from the home, "does anyone object if I bring a newcomer to the meeting?" she asked, looking around the room. Silence came in response, making her move over to the door so that she could open it slightly and whisper "come on," to whoever it was on the other side. She then opened the door wider to show Ada, who had Karl in her arms. "I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Shelby clan," she announced, a smile on her face.

(Y/N)'s cheeks were hurting from the wideness of her smile as her friend took a step further into the room. It was so good to see her back with her family again. Arthur was the one to start the clapping, and soon the room was filled with applause as Ada walked into the room. She stopped where (Y/N) was standing and gave her a smile, to which (Y/N) sent one of her own back.

"Welcome home, Ada," Tommy said to his sister, a smile forming on his lips. It warmed (Y/N)'s heart to see the progress being made.

She then explained the baby's name, earning some laughs from the group that was gathered around her. Arthur then went over to see the baby, taking him from Ada's arms and placing his peaked cap on top of his head. (Y/N) laughed along with the rest of the group as John poked fun at his older brother. Ada sent (Y/N) a smile before Tommy addressed her, asking if he was forgiven. (Y/N) stayed behind and watched Ada move over to him, telling him he was. She felt her heart swell as they shared a hug.

"It's so good to see you back with your family," (Y/N) said to Ada once she'd come back to her side. Tommy and the other men had gotten together to talk finer details of what would be going down. (Y/N) decided to stay with the women instead of learning more of the plan, feeling more comfortable watching Esme make exaggerated faces at the baby than hearing about how they were going to take over the races.

—

After things were finished at the shop, Tommy and the men decided to go to the Garrison to have a drink before they hit the road for the races. (Y/N) offered to join and help out, knowing that things would go smoother if there was another set of hands - hands that knew what they were doing - behind the bar pouring drinks.

Things were going well. (Y/N) was pouring with Tommy and the two had slipped into a comfortable routine. She wasn't going to lie, she quite enjoyed working in these close quarters with him. All was well...until it wasn't.

Arthur entered the Garrison with Jeremiah trailing close behind him. Both men were walking like they were on a mission. "Tommy," Arthur called for his brother, his gruff voice making just about all of the celebrations stop. "I need to talk to you," he said, his seriousness holding as he nodded his head to the stockroom that was behind the bar. Tommy glanced at (Y/N), who was becoming more confused by the second, before he followed his brother and friend into the room.

They were only gone for a matter of seconds before coming back out. "(Y/N)..." he started, coming right over to her, a sense of urgency in his movements and vocal tone. "(Y/N), I need you to leave now, ok?" he said to her, his eyes wide as he spoke; a tell-tale sign that he was now under pressure and needed things to be done timely and in a certain way.

"Wha...why?" she asked, her brows furrowed in confusion.

"Billy Kimber and his men are coming this way," he told her, "I need you to stay clear of here, you understand me?" he searched her eyes then, his hands blindly searching for hers. It didn't take much to find them, and when he did, he squeezed them for added effect, "stay away from here," he told her again.

"Ok. Ok, I will," she nodded her head, sensing his urgency and falling in line with it, "I'll go and be with Pol and Ada, and I'll wait there for you," she then told him where he could find her.

"Good," Tommy nodded lightly, feeling relieved that she wasn't going to be mixed up in the middle of this developing plan. He was going to need to fight Kimber on his own turf now. It was something he could do, but he wanted to make sure that the people he cared for the most were out of harm's way. "Go on," he said then, dropping her hands so that he could let her leave.

(Y/N)'s heart dropped slightly at the abrupt loss of warmth his hands were giving her, but she didn't have much time to dwell on it as she was following his orders, exiting the Garrison at a hasty speed so that she could get to Watery Lane before all hell broke loose.

Tommy watched her as she went, keeping his eyes on her until she was out of his sight before he focused on the men that had gathered in front of him, waiting for their leader to give them direction.

—

(Y/N) was out of breath when she finally got to Watery Lane. She entered the house promptly, hoping that either one, or both, of the women that she was looking for would be present. To her relief, they both were sitting in the living room.

"Where have you run from?" Polly questioned her, a look of confusion forming on her face.

"I...I just came...Tommy told me to..." she stammered out, resting her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath, hoping that doing so would allow her to get out a complete sentence.

"Come, sit down, love," Polly coaxed her over to the open chair and (Y/N) listened, moving over to sit and take a few more calming breaths. "Tell us when you're ready," she said to the younger woman, both her and Ada waiting intently for the news it seemed she had.

"I ran from the Garrison. The plans have changed...Billy Kimber's on his way here to make a stand. Tommy told me to stay away from the tavern. He thinks that it's going to happen there," (Y/N) explained once her breathing was normal again.

"Bloody hell," Polly hissed, exhaling a sigh as she heard the news, "they're going to get themselves killed."

"I don't know any of the finer details...I just know that they're going to fight them here now," (Y/N) stated, trying to push down the worry that was bubbling up inside of her.

"I've got to go," Ada finally spoke in the midst of her rushing to stand from the couch.

(Y/N)'s brows furrowed as she watched her friend move around the room, grabbing the carriage she'd brought with her so that she could transfer a sleeping Karl into it. "Ada, wait...what are you doing?" she asked, confusion present in her tone.

"I'm going to go make these bloody men see sense," Ada spoke through gritted teeth, making it apparent that anger and frustration were coursing through her. She moved over to the archway that led to the door before stopping and looking at the women, "because I know the finer details of the day, and I refuse to stand by and let this happen," she didn't wait for a response to her pointed statement after uttering it, instead turning and walking through the archway and out the door.

"What does she mean?" (Y/N) asked Polly as soon as the door shut. She was so confused right now. Polly just looked defeated.

"Freddie was to be broken out of his transport earlier today...he was going to come home and help with the effort at the races, and this was all to be done in accordance to Tommy's plan," Polly filled (Y/N) in on what Ada was getting at.

(Y/N) sighed as she heard what the older woman had to say. "She's going to go and confront them, isn't she?" she asked in a blank tone.

"She very well may," Polly didn't give a straightforward answer. Ada was a Shelby after all...Shelbys did what they wanted and rarely cared about the dangers that stood in their way.

(Y/N) knew this all too well. Ada was going to go and confront these two gangs of men. She stood from the chair with an exasperated sigh. Tommy's voice echoed in her mind as she stood; warning her not to go anywhere near the Garrison. She pushed it back, knowing that that was exactly where her friend was going. "I'm going to go and try to stop her, Pol," she informed the other woman as she walked towards the archway.

"Be careful, (Y/N)," Polly offered some words of advice, making (Y/N) nod before she walked through the archway and out of the Watery Lane home.

—

"I want you all to look at me!" (Y/N) heard Ada's voice echo through the empty streets as she ran as fast as she could to the Garrison. Upon turning the corner, she saw two lines of men, the groups facing each other. Ada was smack-dab in the middle, addressing both lines as they had their guns pointed at each other. She's going to get herself killed! (Y/N) thought to herself as she picked up her pace. "Who will be wearing black for you? Think about them. Think about them right now...and fight if you want to, but that baby ain't moving anywhere, and neither am I," she continued, her voice raw and full of emotion.

"Ada!" (Y/N) called to her friend as she made her way through the line of men whom she recognized to be the Peaky Blinders. "Ada, you can't be doing this!" she exclaimed, her eyes frantic as she rushed out into the middle of the standoff in hopes to get her friend to see some sense. "This isn't your war to get into the middle of. This isn't the place for you, or for your baby," she insisted, her eyes locked onto the other woman's as she tried to get her out of the middle of it all.

"I won't move, (Y/N)," Ada stayed persistent.

"If not for your own safety, do it for Karl," (Y/N) didn't back down, "this isn't your war to try to stop," she repeated her previous statement, trying to keep her voice steady as adrenaline started to fill her. She tried so hard not to think of what was standing on either side of her at the moment, putting her sole focus on her friend. "Come on...move for Karl," she said again, her voice softer now as she nodded to the carriage that was off to the side. They held each other's gaze before Ada just barely nodded her head. (Y/N) saw it though, and she moved Ada off to the side, hyper-aware of all of the eyes following her.

"She's right you know..." Billy Kimber was the first to speak up once the women were off to the side, "why should all you men die?" he asked the men surrounding him before looking forward, "it should just be them who've caused it," he accentuated his statement by brandishing his weapon and firing it twice.

(Y/N) squeezed her eyes shut and spun to shield both Ada and the carriage as best she could as pandemonium broke out in the street. Several men were screaming and Karl's cries had intensified before there was one more gunshot.

Tommy was the next person to speak. "Enough!" he yelled, causing everything to halt at once. (Y/N), even though her eyes were still closed, felt relieved that he was still speaking, because that meant he was still alive. "Kimber and me fought this battle one on one. It's over. Go home to your families!" he addressed the men standing across from him.

Nothing else was said as the sound of footsteps rang out, signaling to (Y/N) that people were walking away. She heard Tommy mumble something to someone, and more footsteps were heard then. She stayed by Ada and Karl, unable to really move as she took some steadying breaths.

"Ada..." a man's voice came from the women's left.

"Freddie," Ada breathed, moving from the carriage to go to the man who had approached them.

"Don't scare us like that," he said to her, allowing her to fall into his arms and cling to him. He closed his eyes and rested his chin on the top of her head as he held her tight against him.

(Y/N) smiled softly as she watched them reunite, feeling the emotion radiating off of them. She finally looked back at the street then, seeing that everyone else had cleared off of it. Worried about the rest of the men - especially one in particular - she left the couple's side and hurried to the doors of the Garrison.

She was met with agonizing screams as she opened the doors, and immediately realized that they were coming from Tommy. Hearing them made her heart drop to her stomach. Had he been shot? she wondered, worry immediately filling her body.

Arthur was the one to notice her presence amidst trying to help get the bullet out of his brother's shoulder, "go and wait in the stockroom, love, you don't want to be seein' this," he told her and she nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat and not asking any questions before she made a b-line to the stockroom behind the bar.

She waited there as time passed painstakingly slowly. Hearing Tommy scream out in pain was breaking her heart. She wished there was something, anything, she could do to help.

Then everything became quiet again. She heard some talking, but it was muffled by the door that she'd closed. She decided to stay in the room even though it seemed that the worst of it was over. A few more minutes passed before the door opened to reveal Tommy.

(Y/N) didn't wait for another second. She was walking over to him the second she saw him, her hands raising so that she could take his cheeks into them and bring his lips to hers. She kissed him passionately and with everything she had in her. Tommy's hands found the sides of her waist so that he could hold her against him, prolonging the kiss...as if she was going to pull away anyway.

"What was that for?" he breathed out once they'd pulled away.

"For scaring me," she answered him, an involuntary shudder coursing through her as she let her eyes drop to the bloody shirt that he was wearing. He's ok...he's standing in front of you, she told herself, her eyes finding his again.

Tommy chuckled at her statement, squeezing her waist slightly before he leaned in and kissed her again. (Y/N) happily accepted it, slipping her hands from his cheeks to the back of his neck as she reveled in the feeling of their lips moving together seamlessly. Nothing ever felt this good.

"And that was for?" she asked once she pulled away, breathless this time. She couldn't stop the smile from forming on her face as she looked at him again.

"An apology for scaring you," he told her, his words making her tip her head back slightly as she let out a laugh.

His eyes were still on her when she looked at him again. His gaze made butterflies dance around in her stomach, and she couldn't help but encircle her arms around his neck so that she could hug him; her head resting against the uninjured side of his chest as she did so. She brought one of her hands down from the back of his neck to gently lift his jacket where the blood was present on his shirt. She couldn't see much, but she still had to ask: "you're ok, are you?" Her voice was much softer now, worry creeping back after the excitement of the kisses faded.

"I'm fine, love," he answered her, his voice coming out in a similar tone. "Come on...have a drink with me," he said then, loosening his hold on her waist. She got the message, dropping her hands from his neck so that he could step away and lead her out of the stockroom and back into the bar area. "Under the bar should be a bottle of champagne..." he started off as he walked around to the opposite side of the bar so that he could stand across from her.

"Going for fancy today, are we?" (Y/N) couldn't help but grin as she grabbed the unopened bottle from one of the lower shelves.

"Figured we should...since we're celebrating," Tommy grinned right back at her, watching as she set the bottle on the bartop before going to grab two glasses. As she did that, he turned and rested his back against the bar, taking some of the weight off of his feet. He let out a sigh as he tipped his head back, reveling in a moment of peace after so much chaos.

"Is everything ok?" (Y/N) asked after she turned around and found him.

"Yeah," he breathed, pushing himself off of the bar and turning around to stand straight and face her again, nodding his head then for extra effect. (Y/N) nodded back at him before she uncorked the bottle and worked on pouring it into both of the cups. She tried her best not to mess up under his gaze. She smiled at him once she was finished, handing him a glass before she picked her own up and took a sip from it. "How is it?" he asked, his eyes not leaving hers.

"It's good," (Y/N) answered with a nod and a soft smile.

"You know..." he began then, pausing a moment before continuing, "someone I trust once told me, and I believe they told me here; in this very spot...that people fall for people that they know; people that they've been around and feel comfortable with..." he trailed off, and (Y/N) felt her throat go dry. Those words sounded all too familiar...like the words that she'd told him when he was grappling with Ada being with Freddie. He took a deep breath before continuing, "I want you to help me, (Y/N). With the business, the family, with the whole fucking thing. I want you, no, I need you in my life."

"Tommy this is, wow..." she couldn't finish her sentence, taken back by what he'd just proclaimed. All of the dancing around her feelings for him had led to this...the moment she'd been secretly hoping for for so long. But now that it was here, she was fumbling. "I'm not sure of what to say..." she blubbered out, her nervousness shining clear in her words. She'd never wanted something more in her life...why had she chosen this moment to be awkward?!

"Yes would be a good thing to say," he said, cracking a grin as he noticed her trying to fight back her nervousness, "it'd be a great thing to say, actually."

"Then yes," she breathed, a smile breaking onto her face.

"Then yes," he repeated what she'd said, smiling also as he leaned across the bar to kiss her. She caught his chin, holding him there and making the kiss longer than he intended...not that he was complaining.

"I think we'd ought to leave," (Y/N) said after they'd pulled away from each other, "we've had enough excitement for one day...you should get home," she suggested.

"And what will you do?" he asked her, wondering if they'd now be parting ways after all that just happened. He really didn't want that to be the case.

"I thought that maybe I'd come with you...someone's got to make sure that you keep clean bandages on your shoulder," she answered him, unable to stop the smile from creeping onto her lips.

Tommy caught that, knowing what else she could be thinking that would make such a smile form on her face. "I like the sound of that," he said to her, also grinning before she walked around the bar to come to his side.

The day had truly been won. Not only had Tommy defeated Billy Kimber, but he'd finally let (Y/N) know how he felt about her...and to his relief, she'd felt the same about him.

And for (Y/N)...she had a feeling that she wasn't leaving Birmingham any time soon. That was something she was perfectly ok with.

Tagged: @mgcldydrms @the-anxious-youth @cloudofdisney @look-at-the-soul @elenavampire21 @mrsalwayswrite @julkaamazing @evita-shelby @lilyrachelcassidy @notyour-valentine @shelbydelrey @december16-1991 @onlydeadcells @peakyswritings @just-a-blackhole @watercolorskyy @strayrockette @peakyduchesss @alexxavicry @captivatedbycillianmurphy @yummycastiel @dark-academia-slut @tommystargirl @stevie75 @lyarr24 @signorellisantichrist @zablife @anotherblinder @midnightmagpiemama @cillmequick @l1-l4 @chlorrox @lostgirl219 @woofgocows @bdudette @mrkdvidal1989 @stephhevring @fictional-hooman @httyd-marauders @nataliewalker93 @rangerelik @thecraziestcrayon @cilliansangel @shaddixlife @tracysnook

SERIES MASTERLIST

#tommy shelby #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x y/n #tommy shelby series #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby fanfic #tommy shelby fanfiction #peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders x y/n #peaky blinders series #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic

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tachineko · 7 months

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what are some of the best bl's you think released this year?

hi!! so far i think this year has been good with bl's but i think these few are the ones that i think stand out the most.

currently airing

my personal weatherman

this one came as a shock to me. i haven't been keeping up well with mbs' bls, given that "eternal yesterday" scarred me for life. but knowing the original source, i saw the announcement of them doing this and thought, you know what, maybe it won't be so bad. it won't. and i got shocked at how much i love the actors, the setting, and the characters. i loved this series so much that my tiktok fyp page was filled with one of the actor's cute tiktok dances, and i guess that's just the algorithm for me.

kiseki: dear to me

you can already tell from the amount of gifsets i make that i love this bl. initially, i only watched because i know that my favorite bl scriptwriter, lin pei yu, who i've been a fan of since her first bl, was in charge of the series. but as it went on, i was begging for more because of how much the actors, the plot, the characters, and the setting draw me in. it will honestly become one of my most favorites after it finishes airing. the whole thing just gives off that history-trapped vibe that i've been yearning for in taiwanese bl for so long.

i feel you linger in the air

having read the original novel (go buy and read it. it's amazing), i was expecting this one to be just fine. now that a few episodes have been aired, i'm aware that they did some cutting from the novel to fit the lakorn-style series. still, the quality, acting, and chemistry are so good. i wasn't confident at first since it was directed by tee, but then again, you can't always judge a director from their other few series. especially since this one deals with heavy themes of identity, culture-bound issues, and history. so far so good. i think this might be a standout bl for this quarter.

completed

our dating sim

one of the hit bl's that i personally wasn't a fan of at first, but then i saw how good their chemistry was and how well thought out the plot was. i was also shocked that even the actors themselves didn't expect this series to blow up because it was great from start to finish. one of my favorite scenes this year is that one scene where kitae had an emotional breakdown in front of wan.

sing my crush

this one surprised me the most. having released all their episodes in one day, i was shocked at how long they've kept this from us. it was filmed during the start of the pandemic, and it was only given to us this year. such an amazing drama series.

though one of the reasons why i found this amazing was watching it when i was sick, so i guess that contributed to it.

unintentional love story

what i loved about this series is the length and character progression. it just goes to show that k-bl's have the potential to become full-length in the future.

moonlight chicken

another masterpiece made with love. i think there's not much i can say about this series other than it's one of those classic bl's. i recently recommended this to a friend for their first bl, and they loved it and became a fan instantly.

jun & jun

a bit controversial, but i think my own perception of this series was different than everyone else's. what i love about the series is its outstanding chemistry, easy-to-consume plot, and actors' visuals.

to me, this bl feels like thailand's first step in making korean bl. let me explain. one of the reasons why this series has some hint of thai production in it is because of the presence of high heat among the main characters.

now, a lot of people complain about the quality, but to me, it's fine. it's fine because it's not a series that's meant to be taken seriously, and it's also nonsensical for the sake of easy consumption among viewers. though i gotta say that the actors have great potential to be in other bl's as well.

#lee.asks #asianlgbtqdramas #userbilllkin #usernuria #mjtag #userlotad #tuserfaiza #lextag #asianlgbtqdrama #asiandramasource #usertaeminie #usergooseras #tesstag #boyslovesource #tonanons #userpuentalay #uservid

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fandomfluffandfuck · 10 months

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sliding into your asks once again to bring you this gifset and the thoughts i had as a result:

i'm thinking ransom drysdale x reader where the reader pegs the shit out of him. like, he’s just whining and whimpering and drooling. he cums so hard bc the strap is so big and he 'can’t take it' but he wants ‘more, please’ and ends up going limp in her arms bc of how good it feels. he might even pass out a little and later wakes up to her stroking his dick with her warm hands.

and he’s like ‘oh my god, i cant cum anymore, stop’ and she just sits on his dick with a smile and starts using his cock like a toy, saying ‘you’re not being a very good boy right now, hugh’ and shoves her fingers in his mouth. 'you can't tell me to stop. have you forgotten who's in charge here?'

she says ‘if you let me use your cock i’ll let you cum’ and ransom, thinking with his dick which is throbbing quite painfully inside her, shakes his head vehemently.

‘oh? so you don’t want to cum?” he says no bc at the time he's feeling really sensitive and so fucking naked and like he's a live wire - so she simply tells him, ‘okay.’ and takes her fingers out of his mouth so she can lean down to lick the drool from his parted lips and jaw.

‘but if you cum without my permission im locking your dick in a cage and you won’t be able to so much as get hard until i decide you can. is that clear, baby?”

ransom shakes his head again, ‘fuck- no! I want to cum, i don't think i can hold it, it was hurting but now it hurts good! Please, please don't put the cage on me, please keep fucking me it feels amazing-’

‘ah, ah- weren’t you the one who said you didn't want to come?’ and she keeps fucking him and her hips move in a way he’s utterly obsessed with and she cums on his dick without even looking at him, using him for his cock only, taking her pleasure and leaving ransom to sob and beg and whine and cry under her because it hurts so bad - ‘please, you’re so beautiful, please let me cum, please, i need it so bad, you cant- you cant, i’ve been so good!’ - but she ignores him, letting her orgasm wash through her and made more intense by the way ransom twitches desperately inside her as her pussy grows wet with cum.

The sounds are obscene but they’re done now, and the reader curls up on top of ransoms chest, feeling it heave underneath her and the way he tenses up as her pussy drags against his cock and tightens up. She’s got him on the edge and she doesn’t even know, too caught up in how good and sated she feels from her orgasm. ‘You were so good, baby’ she says, and kisses his mouth filthily whilst rolling her hips subconsciously, ‘such a good boy’ as her lips trail down his neck because he’s so pretty, down to his flushed chest and biting at his nipples. A flood of something warm spreads inside her and she realises, with a wicked gleam in her eye, that ransom just came.

‘did you just cum?’ she asks, and he blinks hard, grunting underneath her and nodding desperately. ‘i'm sorry, i'm sorry, please don’t put the cage on me - i didn’t mean to! I swear, you just- you were kissing me like that and moving your hips and it just felt so good, i couldn’t help it!’

she’s not one to go back on her word, though, and after a few minutes of shushing and letting her boy calm down, she’s getting up and cleaning them up with some wipes and a cloth, pulling on a big shirt and kneeling beside ransoms quivering body.

‘here we go…’ she puts on the cage and locks it, putting the key in its box and tossing it on the floor next to the bed. ‘Sleep well, baby’ she says, tucking ransom close to her chest and spooning him until they fall asleep.

if i had time i'd make this a full fledged fic but i do not :(, so i decided to share my thoughts with you and your blog instead so you can tell me what you think! 🫶

Uhhhhhh

No thoughts.

Congrats, you've scrambled my brain 😮‍💨😮‍💨🥴

I am imagining the fucking mess that Ransom would be vividly and you--

Just

You added ✨️women✨️ which means that these thoughts are too much. No processing. Only an italicized oh.

The pure filth that is Ransom crying and begging for her to stop because her cock is too big inside him, stretching him so much that it aches, yet... at the same time, Ransom absolutely doesn't want it to stop.

There's no way in hell he's going to use his safeword.

No, he wants more. He's rich, spoiled, and greedy. He needs this. He needs more. He's a fucking size queen. He will cry and squirm and moan until he's unraveling and need more. He will beg for mercy without meaning it. Well, he does want mercy, she might murder him like this, if she keeps going, but he wouldn't dream of stopping.

"Mor', mmm, ah, mmngh! M-more. Please! More!" I can hear his pathetic moaning from here.

The fact that he cums again from kissing and that little bit of praise is spot 👏🏻 fucking 👏🏻 on 👏🏻 . And you know she was kissing him. He's wrecked. There is not a single thought bouncing around in his melted brain. So, there's no way in hell he's putting himself together enough to kiss back.

No.

He's getting off on the way that her tight, unbearably wet pussy is clenching around him, claiming his cock for herself, and the way she's claiming his mouth. She's kissing him, bruisingly so. Grabbing his chin and keeping them mouth to mouth, even as Ransom pants and gasps and moans into her mouth. Even when she stops possessively taking his mouth and instead slowly draaaggs her hand down his flushed throat toward his hard, peaked nipples. He's fucking getting off on it. On her staking her claim. Him. Staking her claim on him.

Just a flick of his hard nipple, and Ransom is jolting with a choked, "a-ah!"

It's over for him the second her lush mouth is on his skin. Grazing his nipple with her teeth and chasing the sweet flare of pain with pure pleasure, her tongue hot and wet and good against his tits.

Oh, God.

How's he not supposed to cum? Especially when she, under her breath, almost to herself, murmurs, her voice all husky and sensual, "there's my good boy. Pretty boy. Look at you."

Ransom throbs.

He cries.

He cums.

JesusfuckingChrist.

It's so good he feels it in his teeth.

But, yeah, the moment it's over--she doesn't even have to ruin his orgasm--he's upset. He didn't mean to! He's just--

He didn't--

He didn't think! He couldn't think! He just, just had to! He's sorry! He's wailing a little, he knows he is, but he's upset. And he can't help himself. She can, though, she can calm him down and get him comfortable enough to accept that, yeah, he needs this. He needs his punishment. It centers him. It's what makes this work. Get the cage.

In conclusion:

Yes.

I fucking love this idea. Thank you for sharing! I will be coming back to this later and picturing Ransom being tamed by a domme again. Soon.

#asks #whiteglovemanor #ransome drysdale #ransom x reader #ransom x fem!reader #x reader #anon provided writing #(you're not on anon but thats the tag i have going lol)#sub ransom drysdale #bottom ransom drysdale

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safetycar-restart · 1 year

Note

Yes to more watersports!!! Although I don't know much about Marcus, otherwise I would fulfill your wishes :(( but that Max gifset made me think a lot...

We know that Max spends a lot of his free time in the sim, or at least playing something (it seems to be his hyper fixation) and it makes him very happy! But you know that Max tends to focus too much during sessions and forgets to take care of himself

Max loves it when you come over every once in a while and ask him if he's okay, if he wants to go to the bathroom or if he's thirsty, then hand him a drink with a straw and stroke his hair while he drinks. It's the perfect way to spend a lazy Saturday (well, aside from sex), because he knows you can take care of him and he doesn't have to worry

But Max is also stubborn, and often he will tell you that he doesn't need to go just to continue in the sim, but he doesn't refuse the drinks you give him. Most of the time you realize and then remind him he has to pee. But sometimes you have to get close and put your hand firmly on his bladder, reminding Mac that he has to be a good boy and go to the bathroom. Works like a charm

There are times when you're not in the room with him, probably busy working, and when Max feels like he's about to burst he runs to you and just begs you, he can't even explain what he wants, but you just see him squirming in the door and know what he wants

You quickly take him to the bathroom, and he is shaking so much and trying to press his legs together so you have to help him out of his pants (by unbuttoning his jeans or pulling down his sweatpants/shorts) because Maxy is too desperate, and it's a matter of time!! ! You have to hold his dick in your hand because the poor boy can't, he needs you to take control. As soon as you touch him you have to aim correctly, because Max starts to leak when he feels your hand, but you also have to give him permission to let go !!! Max just wants to obey even when he is this desperate

-🌻

OH MY GOD YES!!! Have we ever even talked about watersports with max? If we have, then it was definitely a while ago. Anyway, this is amazing and I love it.

Firstly, nothing makes max feel as loved as when you come in and look after him like that? He’s had so many partners who try to limit his time on the sim, making him feel terrible and accusing him of not caring about them because of how much time he spends on the sim.

And make no mistake, you make it clear that you don’t think max should be spending an unhealthy amount of time on the sim. He needs to take breaks and look after himself and spend time with the people he cares about, but you’d never suggest he doesn’t care about you or doesn’t want to be with you.

And you’ve discovered that the best way is to support max while he’s on the sim. He won’t get off the sim to grab water, so you’ll bring him some water to drink and some snacks, asking him if he’s stretched, if he needs anything.

Sometimes he honestly just wants company? You sit on an chair next to him and just chat while he races.

Anyway, watersports!!!

He drinks much more water on the sim with you there than he’s never done before, because you’re always refilling his drink. There’s nothing that makes him feel loved more than when you hold the glass to his lips, your other hand on his hair as he drinks it all and then listening to your praise after he finishes it.

All of this means that obviously his bladder will fill quicker than before, but he’s not willing to take more bathroom breaks than usual.

The first time you tell him to go to the bathroom, he goes without asking you anything. Just instantly putting the sim off and going, like you had somehow given him permission to go. He doesn’t second guess you, knows you wouldn’t tell him to go if it wasn’t important. He puts his own needs aside and just listens to you.

But sometimes you don’t always tell him in time, because you have your own things to do.

You used to feel bad when you realise he’s desperate, but now you know he loves it. He loves struggling to hold it as he races, loves having to push through a race simulation before he can go to the bathroom.

But he realises he doesn’t like it as much without your permission, which is how he ends up standing besides your office, holding himself trying not to spill all over the floor, begging for help.

You take him to the bathroom quickly, and he can’t get his hands to stop shaking. You don’t even think about it, just undo his sweats and take his cock out for him.

He tells you later that it was the best part, that he loved relaxing into your arms and letting go without worrying at all, that he’d like you to do that more.

Sim racing actually becomes submission soon? When he gets on the sim, he does nothing but race. You control everything else, when he eats, when he drinks, when he uses the bathroom, when he stretches, everything and you do it all for him. You hold the glass to his lips, walk him to the bathroom and hold his cock while he pees, bring the fork to his mouth, etc.

He loves it. So much.

Sometimes you wait till he’s desperate, until there’s a wet patch on his sweats while other times you’ll take him twice in one hour. He loves the fact that he has no idea when you’ll do it, when you’ll be back.

#sub!max #mv #nsfw.#gn!reader #💧💧#🌻

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thegeminisage · 2 months

Text

it IS tng update time. saturday we watched "relics" and "schisms" and last night* we did "true q" and "rascals."

*times altered bc as usual im typing this up late at night

relics:

oh boy. ohhh my god

so like, i'd like to preface this with: i am not a scotty stan or anything. don't get me wrong i love the guy and i'm fascinated by the way he tricked me into thinking he had all ten fingers. like he's v fun and all. but im not like Extremely Emotionally Invested In Scotty. all right. that said

I CRIED. LIKE A BABY. no one was more shocked than i was. actually i'm sure catherine was not shocked at all

i didn't cry when he first showed up which is what i suaully do when i see spock. no, no, no, no. it was when he went to the holodeck and created the fucking BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE. and they played the main theme!!! the sound effects were even the same!!!!!!! and like all his friends are dead now except spock and bones and bones frankly has one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO UPSET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

chronologically, this is also the last time we'll ever see a tos cast member coming back to reprise their role except for aos spock and um. an appearance which i do not wish to discuss now or ever. anyway it's definitely the last time in tng proper. and like yeah we have aos and snw and everything but those guys arent the OGs. AUGH.

also wah him saying the doctors are prettier on this enterprise. thats SO MEAN TO BONES………………….i miss him so bad and he's WAY prettier than beverly sorry beverly

i definitely wanted to kill geordi for yelling at scotty when he tried to tell his old man stories. im glad they hung out for the rest of the episode and that geordi treated him really niceys but it still felt a teensy bit patronizing of him at first like he was just doing it because picard told him to make scotty feel useful

THAT SAID. for once, i am pro picard, because picard is a giant nerd and he wanted to listen to scotty's old man stories as much as i did. not that i got to enjoy them while being blinded by tears. i'm actually genuinely tearing up right now while typing this just thinking about it. i think it was genuinely compassionate for picard to want to give scotty something he could genuinely help with in a way that WASN'T patronizing. like old people are just regular people you know. we all get old one day if we're lucky

spotted scotty's missing finger twice, which is two more times than i spotted it in my original watch of tos.

he remembered how to hide the missing finger (mostly) but forgot how to do his fake scottish accent. in his defense it's been ages and he was old but it was still funny

synthehol is wack. it's just another way in which there's no work-life boundary in tng. you're always on call, so you can never get drunk. you will NEVER have personal time aboard this ship. they can call you in your son's parent-teacher meeting. they can call you during birthday parties. you cannot raise your children here. but they do. anyway.

IT'S GREEN!!! i remember seeing a gifset of data floating around saying that to somebody, and then later i saw a gifset of scotty saying it in tos, but i didn't realize data was talking TO SOCTTY i thought it was just a reference!!!!!!! there were actually sooo many tos references in this episode, i was so pleased to hav caught them all <3

looooooved the dyson sphere. that was genuinely so fucking fascinating and it was the b plot!!!!! why can't it be the a plot!!!! it was so cool looking

i thot for a sec they were gonna kill scotty at the end and got REALLY worried but they didn't and he decided not to retire after all and good for him <3

anyway. that cry felt like a full-body workout. horrific.

schisms:

OFF GOES RIKER TO THE COFFEE SHOP

i waited so long to see the episode that gifset is from and it did NOT disappoint

my one sour note re: this ep was the beginning with data's poetry. can we please be nice to him and not loudly fall asleep in the front row. i know the circumstances are highly extenuating. i of all people understand sleep deprivation, which i am currently experiencing even as i type. but that was just rude!!! could he not have simply explained he was unwell and unable to attend!!!!!!! the crowd being restless was terrible. if you simply tell him that he has to have a limit on his poems he would understand. i'm glad geordi was an honest critic when data asked later but i would have liked to see data's results after incorporating his feedback. ok anyway

firstly, i loved when a little guy is sleep deprived. it was great when sam winchester did it and also great when riker does it

SECONDLY, that whole sequence with the table was fucking insane. everything getting darker and darker both literally and metaphorically and deanna starting to look uneasy near the end and riker's eyes being ABSOLUTELY HAUNTED and that table was basically like a chair, anyway

when they were like "yeah the aliens cut off your arm and reattached it" READER I HOLLERED. you can't just put a guy on a chair and tear his arm off and then make him forget stuff. please. it's been nearly 10 years.

when he's like theyre gonna take me again whether i want them to or not. yeah man they sure are. this isn't quite riker roulette but it is definitely adjacent

i think the best cure for insomnia is to be absolutely terrified of going to bed because you're still in uniform and have a tracking device on you because you are about to get abducted by fucking aliens. who could resist sleep after that.

i did wonder why he laid on the table so long before attempting his escape when time was precious but i doubt i could have done any better in his shoes. i sure did love the way that knife thing hung right above his neck though. i'm pretty sure we spent that entire scene hollering DISMEMBER HIM. TRAUMATIZE HIM!! and then they didn't <3 but i'm not even mad about it

anyway. 10/10 episode they need more space horror in star trek bc it's always fun. i remember reading that tos was originally meant to be space horror-y, but i found the pacing of those earliest episodes waaaay too slow. i want a star trek show with more dismemberment though.

true q:

mistakenly thot this episode was named qpid (got it mixed up) and was hoping for more of q wanting to fuck picard to so bad it makes him look stupid but all we got was one little arm around his shoulder. which was REALLLY funny because picard instantly made a face like he'd eaten sour lemon but we deserved more. to reiterate i do NOT want them to fuck i think the dynamic of q wanting to fuck and picard preferring to die first is the funniest possible set of circumstances

instead, q constantly displays predatory body language towards this EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. he leans really close to her and whispers in her ear and all that stuff and i did Not like it

i kept waiting for this girl to secretly be his child, or for her parents to have once been friends with him, but they literally were just randos to each other. disappointing, especially after he vanished while she was having her emotional moment on seeing their faces

where do the puppies go when she vanishes them? do they cease to exist?? did she just kill 12 puppies on screen???? too horrible to contemplate. i wish i could make kittens out of thin air though. actually that would be a terrible power the world is overpopulated with kittens as it is but STILL.

i want to know more about the weather altering net. we could have an entire episode about that alone. you just...got rid of tornadoes? and forest fires? did you fix climate change??

riker almost being killed by an empty barrel sent me into fits. they didn't strap them down after what happened to worf? this spaceship gets jostled horrifically EVERY EPISODE. what are they thinking!!!!!!!!!

RIKER ROULETTE STRIKES AGAIN. her bringing him to the alternate dimension and trying to lay on the moves was bad enough but using her powers to MAKE HIM START KISSING HER? HELLO???? i'm still mad they wrote an episode about rape and just used it for deanna fetish fuel instead of actually discussing what this poor guy goes through. why is it somehow ok/not noteworthy when it's men. come on now

it was kind of silly to have this girl go "no way im a human forever" and then immediately solve climate change on this other planet because her lil crush (/VICTIM???) was down there. like that was so rushed and weird

ultimately not a very good episode. i only like one thing about q and they did NOT deliver. he was also a misogynist to beverly once...like, die

rascals:

this got a 1 on letswatchstartrek.com and i simply disagree. i would have given it a 2 or mmmaybe 3. well no probably a 2 but STILL. first of all, tng's children are ALWAYS charming, and these guys were no exception, save possibly the kid who was playing picard, who was fine until the tantrum scene/riker's son bit, at which point i wanted to die

i never want to hear riker say daddy again.

i HAAAATE the ferengi theyre racist theyre misogynist i HATE THEM.

i felt like there was a missed opportunity with obrien and keiko to have him be cool about it, instead of awkward like everyone else. like i obviously dont think they should be canoodling or anything, gross, but there's nothing wrong with a little platonic compassion. he got there in the end ig but idk it would've made a nice contrast

how old is their fucking baby??? i just looked it up and she was born at the beginning of season 5...her ass is NOT old enough to be talking yet let alone full complete clear sentences??????

anyway speaking of compassion............GUINAN AND RO

i actually unironically loved ro's little arc here. anyone who had a shitty childhood will tell you they'd cut off their arm before going back, but she had to go back anyway, and guinan neither pitied her nor minimized anything she'd gone through. instead she got to occupy that space in a totally harmless way and receive a little closure. while the rest of this episode was okay-ish to maybe less than okayish (i NEVER want to hear riker say daddy EVER again) ro's little bit was so so so good.

re: ro...i love that we don't constantly bring her past and situation up as if it's the only thing about her but nor do we shy away from it and how it's shaped her and the narrative has never once suggested she's too harsh or too angry or whatever. of course with a season and a half left there's still time to ruin it but so far her whole thing has been one of the very few instances where tng is doing everything wonderfully.

NEXT TIME: "a fistful of datas" (noooo it's a holodeck episode) and "the quality of life."

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #i hope im not at work when this posts but u never know.

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athousandbyeol · 4 months

Text

✨2023: A Summary✨

Post your most popular and/or favorite edit/gifset for each month (it’s okay to skip months!)

tagged by @daymork thanks, jessi :) this was really fun.

january

most popular — are you afraid of me? [palmnueng]

favourite(s) — can't i have you him now? [palmnueng]

february

most popular — i can't live without you. i want you to be with me forever. [palmnueng]

favourite(s) — i like your eyes. you... like... my eyes? [heartliming] // you make me feel normal. [heartliming]

march

most popular — (n.) boyfriends — heart and li ming. [heartliming]

favourite (s) — [same as above]

april

most popular — cher. you know what, boss? ever since i knew you, my life has been a big mess. it’s freaking exhausting, you know? i shouldn’t have known you. why did we have to meet? i’m freaking exhausted! cher. please don’t say that. my life has been so messed up. can you just let me go? i shouldn’t have known you! cher, don’t say that. can you just walk out of my life?! please don’t say that. [guncher]

favourite (s) — tun hasn’t told me his real name. you know his name, don’t you? of course. what’s his name? i think… he was trying to tell you. [puentalay] // i’m so happy that i’m scared this happiness will be gone. if your happiness is me, it won’t be gone. right. it won’t be gone. [guncher]

may

most popular — cher, promise me. yes, i promise. promise what? i promise, no matter how tough it is, no matter how hard i try, i will do anything to get back to you, boss. i love you, cher. [guncher]

favourite(s) — i’ll be your latest kiss then. people count their latest kiss too? i mean, your latest kiss and every kiss from now until forever. i’m the only one allowed to kiss you. [guncher] // whether you’re sleeping, awake, eating, or whatever you’re doing, you’ll always see me when you turn this way. how can you be so cute? oh. except when i’m using the bathroom. that’s my personal time. cher, you’re just— [guncher]

june

most popular — you already know it. so? [patpran]

favourite(s) — i didn't create much this month, but the patpran photoset was a favourite of mine :)

july

most popular — even when i knew what to do, i couldn’t do it in time. in the end, i still lost him. [pisaengkawi]

favourite(s) — a photoset inspired by hozier's cherry wine [guncher] // it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. [akktheo]

august

most popular — what are you laughing at, mew? i’m laughing at you. you’re going off-key. are you saying i’m toned deaf? no. you’re cute. why would i care if i’m toned deaf? i’m blinded by the love for you anyway. who would have thought a rich man could come up with this cheesy line? [topmew]

favourite(s) — are you sure? [pisaengkawi] // why do i have to learn about this shit on the day i already love you and gave you everything? [topmew]

september

most popular — if mew doesn’t get back together with me in the end, that’s okay. i just don’t want mew to screw up his life because of me. [topmew]

favourite(s) — that means i’m officially your boyfriend now? that’s not enough to consider it official yet? hey, thank you so much. stop feeling bad about it, my good boy. [kanghansailom] // i love you so much. then, why does the word love from top hurts me so damn much? [topmew]

october

most popular — topmew | hands. [topmew]

favourite(s) — but still, i want to live. will the lingering darkness still within me hurt you again? can i protect our love when i have no power left? [enhypen/kpop]

november

most popular — this is a love story witnessed by the last twilight sky. [morkday]

favourite(s) — people keep saying they understand. but in the end, you will never get how it feels, to look in the mirror and can’t see your old self. [morkday]

december

most popular — do you want it? i’ll buy it for you. it’s okay. even if you do, i can’t see it. let it be with someone with good vision. it should be happier. [morkday]

favourite(s) — same as the above // a ray of sunlight from the next day recreated mee’s shadow. in that split second, mee realised that the only way to break the curse was to keep chasing after the sunlight. [morkday]

tagging @hoppipolla and @forcebookish :) it's ok if you don't do it, though. no pressure hehe.

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il-predestinato · 5 months

Note

hi!! i'd like to ask for your advice. i'd really like to have some mutuals (not sure if the term is correct) or like people here on tumblr or on twitter i can talk with about f1 and lestappen. the problem is that i usually don't interact with posts (apart from liking them) on any social media platform becasue i'm really anxious and insecure about stuff like this so that makes it a bit hard. i've been thinking about dming people but idk what to write because i'm worried it will come off as weird or lame. (((i just hope this message won't be like that))) my question is how do you start a this kinda conversation? do i just ask them if they want to talk or like.. ? i'm really sorry if this sounds stupid or something but i have absolutely zero skills in online interactions and you seem really nice and i hope it's okay that i reached out🫶🫶

Of course, it's always okay to reach out in my inbox!

I think lestappies are generally an inclusive and welcoming bunch of people, and many of us totally identify with the same insecurity with online interactions! I know I certainly do - as many times I see a post or tag and just want to ramble my love or my thoughts at that person but was too shy to put myself out there.

There is a lestappen discord community that you can join. I'm not sure how active it is (I haven't been on there too much; I just find it easier to talk to 1-4 people at a time! 😅), but it might be a good place to chat and make friends.

One awesome thing about tumblr is you can reblog and use tags without 'forcing' any interaction back. I've literally made friends on the basis of their reblog tag wall of thoughts on my posts, or my reblog tags on their posts. And yes, I can guarantee you that every. SINGLE. OP. loves reading the reblog tags. 🤣

I also think DMing (or Inbox Asking) people is totally fine! To be honest, I wish people did that more! I actually LOVE hearing from people who love the same things I do. I can't speak for everyone, but I think it's far from weird or lame. It's more like "omg someone wants to chat with me about lestappen?! that's amazing!"

As for starting a conversation, my go-to used to be "I just read your fic and it's fucking amazing...." I entered the lestappen fandom as a fic writer a few years ago (yes, shocking I know, *hides my current google doc folder with >100 pages of unfinished lestappen wips shamelessly*), so I know how much that means to writers, and even if I've left kudos and a comment already, sometimes I just want to reach out and tell them how much their story blew me away, made me zone out on the drive home, etc. And really it can be anything that is common ground - "saw your tags on that lestappen post - max is down SOOOO bad, right?!" "your gifset of the press conference was beautiful!" etc, etc.

I hope you enjoy your time and experience on lestappenblr! 😉

#lestappen #also please consider this my apology to the 1000+ inbox messages i've not had a chance to reply to #i swear i read every single one and i love reading them but i am the WORST at remembering to answer #and then it's been 6 months and i feel awkward answering at that point 😅#elle.ask #anon

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heyninja · 2 years

Text

Episode 5: The Scream-ening

This show continues to take some genre staples and just flip the bitch. I thought from the morning conversation with Porsche and Kinn that Porsche didn't remember anything (which, unfortunately, can be a side-effect of GHB) and I thought OH NO, not this again.

But no. Porsche remembers. He just doesn't know what do do with it. Kinn is treating him like before, maybe worse than before. Porsche is being punished by the bodyguards he's supposed to be in charge of. Kinn flaunts having a different lover right in front of Porsche, and flippantly makes clear to Porsche that whatever it is Porsche is doing with his time, it is of less than any concern to Kinn.

The only marks that Porsche bears from his time with Kinn are the marks of punishment, and his entire bearing, his entire demeanor, shows that he is struggling to find his footing in this space and failing.

Gone is the animated, over-exuberant man who flings himself around and happily inhabits the life of the party. His actions are tempered, small. His face is a mask, his eyes are downcast. When he interacts with Kinn he tends to hunch, to turn aside, to turn the volume down from 10 to barely heard. Even when directly confronting Kinn it's worn down.

Even then, from Kinn's perspective, it's clear that Porsche takes up all the air in the room. When Porsche tells him if Kinn can do whatever he wants, then do it, Kinn physically sways into Porsche like he can't help it. Now, whether Kinn is not allowing himself to name what he feels for Porsche because a) whatever in the past that happened throws a pall over it or b) he literally is just not allowing himself for personal reasons, it's still the same outcome - Kinn will not let himself admit that Porsche is different to him. Despite how his actions are screaming out those differences.

I think, when he got the advice from Pete on how to talk to Porsche, Kinn was honestly just thinking "how to get through to my most dumbass body guard, excellent" and nothing more. And he's clearly super, super bad at the execution. Though it does give Mile the opportunity to show off how he normally handles himself vocally (soft but assured and pointed) versus how Porsche ends up twisting him up (frustrated, snappish, verging on loud).

Also, I mentioned this in one of my gifset tag explosions but: the tryptich scene, where they showed both Porsche and Kinn attempting a casual hookup while BOTH of them were thinking of the episode 4 hookup, and thus neither one of them could get very far because it did not live up to the memory of their time together: chef's kiss. I was screaming into my hands about that.

Anyway, I love the range here of both characters. Porsche withdrawing, trying to find some way to connect to Kinn, and withdrawing even further when those efforts are rebuffed. Kinn trying to find his equilibrium by falling into business as usual and trying to keep his father's good opinion, and still finding no solace, and finding himself in the position of trying to connect with someone on their terms instead of his. Just a REALLY great character study here, especially when neither of them is admitting to their true turmoil out loud.

Mile and Apo just buried everyone with how well they did with these complex emotional interplays and how well acted they were. I am just over the moon about how well they complement each other.

ALSO ALSO. That chase/fight scene. Glad the budget was there for this one, it was so good. I love me some drift compatible battle couples. Seriously my first post on tumblr after I decided to start using it in 2012 was a battle couple post don't @ me.

I believe in the power of being handcuffed together to force people to face their feelings.

(Plus I am waiting for Porchay to wreck Kim's everything by being the sunshiniest cinnamon roll ever and giving him all the feelings. I'll wait.)

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche meta #kinn #porsche #mile phakphum #apo nattawin #i know there was so much emotional turmoil in this #the whump came for us all #but it was so well done #and now the Handcuffs of Emotional Honesty have entered the chat #porsche is my babygirl and i'm not taking any questions #kinn girlboss of my heart #i don't want to talk about vegas right now #i don't know enough about him yet and he's creeping me out so far

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khaotunq · 11 months

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GGWM - Get Giffy With Me

I am not professing to be anything even remotely resembling good at giffing, but I got a little message from @thisautistic (hope you don't mind the @, bb! I'll remove if you prefer) asking about how I did my Jay Does Corporate Pride bold gays Ayan set. We quickly realised I can't do anything concisely, and so was born this idea.

All my secrets laid bare. Not that I consider anything here a secret. Go ahead and steal my methods. Steal them. Run with them. They're yours now.

Specifically, I'm going to talk about background isolation and boosting, here, but I'm gonna start a new gif from scratch and show the steps to getting there.

So, I have Photoshop 2020. Or 21. I don't really know. That's the only tool I'll be using, other than the empty cereal box I call a brain.

We're going from this to this. (These are very, very quick and dirty, but they're for demonstrative purposes.)

And this to this.

Annoyingly, I think I prefer the "bad" example, but anyway.

Fair warning: this post is exactly as chaotic as you'd expect it to be, considering it's me writing it and I wrote it in an hour... which includes the time spent making the gifs.

Are there easier ways? Probably.

Let's go!

1. CAP SELECTION.

I have the entirety of The Eclipse capped already, but you'll want to cap your scenes if you haven't already. I prefer working with caps rather than video clips - they both have pros and cons, and I can talk about that some other time if anyone wants me to.

I'm doing two gifs for this little tutorial-turned-dissertation - one that's easy peasy to colour for the purposes of Corporate Pride, and one that makes me want to consume my own elbows. For comparison, or something.

First thing to consider, is if the background is a feature, you want your subject to stay fucking still Kanaphan I swear to god.

You also want to pick something with fairly good contrast. I hate black/white and otherwise relatively neutral backgrounds because they're so difficult to make look natural, but something already predominantly coloured? Lemon squeezy, baby.

2. IDENTIFY COLOURS.

I've taken the easy route and picked green, which is almost always going to contrast nicely with skin tones and makes my life easier, and purple which I have many many issues with, but also contrasts.

Also, this step isn't massively important, it just helps. For example, I didn't know I was going to use green for the First gif until I boosted a bunch of colours and realised how green that rock face behind him is.

I tend to use my beloveds Selective Colour and Colour Balance rather than curves. I don't understand curves. I only use it if I have to lighten something.

3. QUICK AND DIRTY BASIC GIF TUTORIAL ft. my boy Pawin:

Timeline> Video Timeline> Add Media> put in your frames, change your frame delay. Boom, basic gif. Or, to get particularly meta... gif gif tutorial!

What a babe. 🥰

And no, I can't explain why he's here. I have two perfectly fucked up gifs to fuck up, but I chose to spend 60 seconds of my life making a Pawin gif just for this.

4. COLOURING!!!

Go nuts. But here's my process for the Akk gif in specific.

This tells you precisely nothing, but it was fun to make.

I have no idea how to share the specific settings other than to give you the .psd. So as soon as I figure that out, you can have it. I don't recommend using the psd for any and all gifs, because my approach to colouring is interpretive at best, but I really don't care all that much so. Do what you like. S'what I do.

Not included in this: cropping/resizing, my sharpening action, swearing about First, apologising to First, laughing at the fact I changed his shirt colour entirely, swearing at First some more, shrugging and saying, "That'll do."

5. COLOUR FILL / BRUSH / OVERLAY

So, all of this is for this one step.

Here I will demonstrate why white/neutral backgrounds can suck unless you're looking for that particular effect.

For something like the gifset I made, I wanted to punch people in the face with colour, so I had to use scenes with backgrounds I could lean on. In the Akk gif, I noticed the green after fucking around with the colour balance (I tend to boost shadows blue or red, then highlights cyans, but I've been known to go wacky. I leave mid tones alone... for the most part.) so that's what I decided to lean into. When I started this little ramble 500 years ago, I was originally planning on orange. How fickle fate is.

Anyway! I prefer using brushes rather than a full colour-fill layer, because I feel like it gives me greater control. I also prefer adding colour gradually rather than starting with a block. So, I use either a large soft brush at 50% opacity, or a watercolour brush at 100% because it's semi transparent anyway.

I'll use broad strokes - I ain't here for detail work. Set it to Overlay or Soft Light, whichever floats ya boat. And then rather than erase anything, I'll create a layer mask and, using the same brush, splodge it around til nobody's face is green.

And then on the off chance things are eye-burningly saturated by the time I finish other colouring things, I'll just go kill the opacity on the overall colour layer. Like seu~

You have no idea the strength it's taking to not go back and redo this entire tutorial because I've taken too much yellow out of his skin and it's bugging the shit out of me.

This is a fake tutorial, Jay. Breathe.

TO KHAOTUNG!

I am man enough to admit I stole my own damn .psd for the other gif. I literally used the same settings other than futzing about with the neutral balance to try and get some kind of colour undertone.

This is the second gif with just the colouring, no additional fill or overlay:

Isn't he pretty? Don't we love him? I love him. He's so asjdkfhg. Ugh.

Anyway. I figured there was sort of a blue/purple tone. Knowing what I do, I know it's gonna be way too pale for what I want, and he also moves quite far across the frame, so it's gonna be a pain in the arse if I want to go SUPER saturated with any colour background,but this is a demonstration and nothing more.

I could use Linear Burn instead of Overlay but I always get annoyed at it. Because I am a deeply rational person.

Anyway, the point of the above is to kind of show that sometimes u just gotta leave a massive puddle of colourlessness around someone's head if they're moving a lot. I've gotten away with it in this case because it's pale, but if I tried to put any further boost to the saturation, it'd look insane:

I HOPE THIS HELPS

I apologise for my incoherence. It makes sense to me. Which should worry us all.

Anyway, final gifs:

Rejects of my War On Purple, because I promised those. Notice how they're all white, black or neutral (dark brown/red) backgrounds? Rage.

#i had far too much fun making this #it's entirely possible i'm slightly manic #i have no idea how to tag this #my gifs #i guess? i'm going to hate coming across this later but lmao #trust the process #even if the process is screaming and sliding sliders around til someone looks human again #adventures in gifmaking

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the-force-awakens · 8 months

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Thank you for the recommendation!! It's hard finding Poe centric blogs on here.

I was gonna dm you a question about your gifs but tumblr is telling me I can't because we're not mutuals (rude tumblr) so I'll ask you here. Would you be okay with me using one of your gifts for my header? /nf. I promise I'd give you credits if you were comfortable with it, but it's totally fine if you're not.

I also just posted my first bit of writing for Poe and I'm kinda nervous.

I feel like I just keep rambling on in your inbox about whatever thought lands in my head (pls lmk if it gets annoying)

- @happybeepshere

It is, it's very hard! It kind of baffles me when he's one of the main characters of the saga, but you just....can't seem to ever find anything focused on him (or solely him, I'm all for ships but it's definitely hard to find nonromantic creations for him). That said, here's some blogs that love on him (they're all multifandom tho! so keep it in mind): @leiakenobi, @nowritingonthewall, @cal-kestis, @wildfirewildflower, @aimmyarrowshigh, @ladybokatankryze, @karmas, and i'd be remiss not to mention @hermitmoss who is also my qp partner, they don't often post about the sequels (mostly swtor and pt) but they've made me some lovely poe graphics & fics in the past <3 And these blogs aren't active anymore but I occasionally peruse @dailypoedameron (which i actually used to mod way back when i was a teenager, good fucking god I've been down bad for this man for so much of my life) and @dailydameron. You'll mostly find tfa-era stuff and a trickle of immediately pre-release tlj stuff on those <3

I'm sure there's plenty more blogs out there but I'm uh. a hermit.

Yes, I'd be fine with that! It always makes me happy to see people using my gifs for their headers! My only caveat is I do request that gifs made specifically for someone else (i.e gifsets made for birthdays! it'll say in the caption) not be used, but everything else? up for grabs. I appreciate you asking for permission!

Oh no, definitely not annoying. I've had tumbleweeds going on in my askbox for literally ages, I've missed having people rambling away in my inbox! Especially, you know, when it happens to be about the literal light of my life.

#ask box #happybeepshere

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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year

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Finally got myself to start 2009 :D

Warning: long-winded ramble about gifing under the cut

Preface: this is one of those rambles that I have to myself in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep and I just keep repeating it to myself over and over and going over it like it's a monologue and then fall asleep unexpectedly

God I can already tell that gifing anything 2009 and beyond is gonna be an absolute nightmare for me 😭 I mean *positive* nightmare, but nightmare none the less. Basically this is because the more recent the race is, the better the production and camerawork is. Which is good for watching but bad when you're trying to condense all of the post-race into one gifset. Speaking of that, does anyone know exactly when the production improved btwn 2005 and 2009? I watched one 2008 race, I really can't remember how good the production/camerawork was. Also I hope you guys get what I mean by that LOL and it's not just me being overly specific

If you've seen any of my 2023 posts so far, you'll notice I'm able to make a pretty fulfilling set focusing on just one driver, and that driver isn't even the winner of the race. Trying to make a gifset of anyone but the winner in 2005 would be borderline impossible because the camera mainly only focuses on the winner, only really showing the p2 and p3 drivers when they accept their trophies. I mean from a viewers perspective, I obviously enjoy the enhanced production because it's really nice to see more of the drivers other than the winner. But how am I supposed to condense it into only 10 gifs AAAAHHHHHH!!! And like to worsen this, even if 2005 had the same production quality as 2023, I think it'd still be easier for me because there's fewer drivers I really like from that era.

But 2009-2013 is the era in which all of my favs are there and in the forefront, so it's impossible for me to take a 2023 approach to it in which I focus on one driver. Like bruh how am I meant to condense it when it's a Seb, Jenson & Mark podium, my folder for the race is gonna have like...30+ gifs. I have enough issues condensing 2023, one driver focused, to ten, and I had issues with 2005 sometimes, so AHHHHHHHH. It's like that meme of the woman getting fed too many cakes. I gifed a tiny bit of China 2009 if you remember, and even though I was only focusing on a relatively tiny section...I swear to god I made like 10 or some other inane amount.

Speaking of 2023 I gotta say, I'm so fucked when inevitably Fernando doesn't end up being on the podium. How am I supposed to make a gifpost when my number one boy isn't there :(( I'm not sure who else I'd end up focusing on? There's not as many drivers I absolutely love in 2023 compared to, for example, the V8 era. It's not like atp I'm predicting Oscar to get a podium so :,) I guess I'll probably end up just making a more general kind of post, focusing on everyone instead of just one driver?

#ive got my peach red bull ready to try !!#i keep accidentally getting spoiled abt 2009 race results so #im annoyed at myself cause i completely forgot i wanted to remain at leadt partially unaware of the results #the other day i opened the 2009 wiki page to look at the results and then quickly looked away like i burned my eyes when i remembered #i mean yeah i generally know a good amnt of the results bcs ive researched it a bit before and also through fic #but i want to at least give myself the illusion that i dont know who wins what and whos on the podium and what the standings are like #sry that long rant has been on my mind for a while #it was one of the things keeping me away from starting 2009 actually lol #also hope you guys dont mind a 2009 post right before the baku wknd starts? should be fine right?#catie.rambling.txt

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apparently-artless · 1 year

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i loved reading your comments on koushuu and the kousawa battery in the gifset you made on how nice it is to see eijun have someone so dedicated to him! i totally agree! i really liked miyuki for a long time while watching the anime, until the yips arc and the scene where he ignores eijun in favor of catching for furuya, eventually leading to koushuu catching for eijun for the first time. in both scenes miyuki's treatment of eijun really broke my heart and made it difficult for me to like him. seeing how attentive, sincere, kind, and present koushuu is with eijun is so so refreshing and eye-opening. miyuki and eijun undeniably have a lot of chemistry and are clearly favored by tj, but miyuki can just be so... unkind to him, and treats him like a pest. even when it's done jokingly, it breaks my heart because eijun so clearly admires and desires miyuki's approval- and miyuki is aware of this, and still treats him like that. seeing a catcher treat him like a human, a friend, an equal, the way koushuu does is such a breath of fresh air. theres no power imbalance, theres no chasing, theres no fighting for an ounce of acknowledgement. it's just two people seeing and understanding and supporting each other.

i know you didn't ask for this so im sorry this got so long dsfkdfkjh! its just unusual to see people who share similar recognition for the not so great parts in the misawa dynamic (as a battery and relationship). i hope you are doin good! :)

hey, anon! thanks for sharing your thoughts too! i do agree with what you said and I'm glad someone shares the same sentiments. i love miyuki as sawamura's battery, but adding okumura to the story is refreshing because he's experiencing something he rarely gets to experience with miyuki. if you've finished reading act ii, there was even a time (while sawamura was already the ace) when he mentioned wanting to go pro to furuya. let me repeat, he said his honest feelings to furuya and not to sawamura while sawamura was accidentally hearing this in the background. for me, it was frustrating and sawamura felt the same. sometimes, i do get frustrated with TJ. can't even say that he did a good wrap-up on that part.

but then, if you're going to think about it, this is just one of miyuki's flaws as a character. he's just so bad when it comes to emotional department that if i had to rate him from 0-10, i'd say he's a negative one. during yakushi's match, he admitted that it was his fault but didn't apologize sincerely to sawamura. during yips arc, he admitted that he noticed something's off about the pitcher but kept pushing him and pestering him about his control. even during the match with inajutsu, clearly, sawamura was already getting too pressured and too agitated but he failed to notice. and at that time they were trying to watch sawamura's pitching when they already found out about his condition, instead of saying something positive, he simply told sawamura not to think too much about it because he's an 'idiot'. he rarely praises sawamura because "he's always getting ahead of himself" as he keeps on saying. to make the long story short, miyuki is just emotionally constipated and he himself is aware of it. and while it is one of his character flaws, it made the readers/watchers love him even more. no one wants a perfect character right?

so rather than changing this side of miyuki, i'm glad that there is another catcher who has the same potential as miyuki that was added to the story. okumura is fulfilling the roles that miyuki cannot do as a character, in my opinion, and i am so happy to see this battery. did you ever see miyuki pester sawamura to catch his pitches? nope. okumura does. did you ever see miyuki praise the pitcher for his pitches? rarely. mostly, he would praise sawamura in front of other people or when he's having his monologue but not tell it straight to his face. okumura, however, can do that. if he thinks sawamura did a good job, he would honestly tell the pitcher. did you ever see miyuki stick to sawamura so he can look after him and made sure that he won't overwork himself? nope. although this is quite understandable because of miyuki's position so i am really glad that okumura is there.

if you haven't read beyond what's included in the anime, i suggest you try reading act ii manga. okumura is still fulfilling the role of a good catcher looking after sawamura. because in case some readers/watchers forgot. sawamura is still the MC of the story. he always accompanies sawamura even after the games. when the first years noticed that sawamura was acting strange because of what he heard between miyuki and furuya, okumura was the one who talked to miyuki to speak to sawamura. during the summer tournament games, he always checks sawamura's condition. he always tries to observe the pitcher and tries to know more about him. he's always concerned about sawamura and that really made me happy. with Chris gone, it's like there's another catcher who can dedicate his time to him and it's just so heartwarming. their conversations are also funny and it's really cute that okumura is always beside him.

okay. i think i made my point. now, it's my time to apologize for the long reply. nyahaha! (⁀ᗢ⁀)

and please, anon. let me know who you are. send me a DM so we can talk about this some more. <(￣︶￣)>

btw, in case you are also reading fanfics, you may want to read one of my fanfics that features the mura-mura battery (i kinda prefer to call their battery like this because it's kinda funny). yes, anon. i am shamelessly promoting one of my fanfics. please forgive my audacity. ( ◡‿◡ *)

#daiya no ace #okumura koushuu #sawamura eijun #anon ask #anon reply #art answers #dna rants #forgive me for the long post #i would just like to make it clear that i also love miyuki kazuya #i hate him sometimes but i still love him as a character anyway #artless

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sirenofthegreenbanks · 1 year

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hello hello hope u are having a good timezone! as u might have noticed re: my tags on that shl gifset lmao i'm interested on yr thoughts on this as a wenzhou poem.. cannot stop thinking about the come hope too much. come with all your ghosts. come clown around when the timing's bad. come promise me the world. come trust me to do my best even when i don't. come ask me to give you everything i have. anyway. !!! <3

honestly, i dont know how to present my thoughts without wanting to cry. there is something so raw about this poem that hits me where it hurts. i think this visceral need, of hope, is so essential to tyk, and at the same time, the novel is making a study of hopelessness.

i mean. the main character starts out killing himself; and it is hard not to understand this wish if the very world he lives in is so bleak and devoid of warmth. and after that very important decision, zhou zishu rejoices in every single mundane thing life has to offer; and he can do that, like, he has given himself the allowance to it because he paid for it with his death.

Death was not frightening. It had not been easy for him to survive over the past twenty years; all of the methods he used to pressure Zhang Chengling were ones he had endured in his childhood, but even harsher, and despite him not having the kid's innate talent for withstanding that harshness completely unharmed. (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations) "Why wouldn't i? My junior used to be taught by my hand." .. "Then what did you do if our junior couldn't recite the mantras, or couldn't practice some move?" .. "I made him copy the introductory breath-regulation mantra three hundred times. If he couldn't even practice slowly, then he wouldn't need to eat, nor… need to sleep. In the middle of the night, I would get someone to lock his bedroom up so that he would go into the snowdrifts and come to a comprehension on his own." (Ch. 33, tl. chichilations) He had experienced enough to fear no one and nothing in the world. If he lived in no fear, what was so scary about death? (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations)

and i feel like... like!! he has spent his entire life trying to carve out a place for himself: he perfected four seasons manor’s martial arts into an, uh, art, he dabbled a little in game of thrones politics entirely uncalled for, he discovered he has basically no bottom line, he sold his sect to the empire and built a new organization by himself, he became the most powerful person of the nation second only to the son of heaven. he has, like, done lots of things, and made mostly only bad choices.

but this struggle has always been about living his own life, and it has always been in a transactional way, and now that he has all but killed himself, he is doing it all over again.

However, what was making him uncomfortable was that he had to count the days down until his death. / Having endured so much, his heart's will was stalwart, and never had he had a will for death. Wasn't it ironic that his most free, most unworried, and most cheerful days would be the ones where he was waiting to die? / This was most likely yet another stupid thing that was his own doing. (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations)

and wen kexing is kind of the opposite. wen kexing has never really lived a life for himself, and over his time in the valley, he must have become accustomed to the thought of never having a life of his own ever. he is entirely unashamed of being seen as well, at least regarding the things that are socially unacceptable, like homosexuality and murder, or his general unhinged self; unashamed in a way that speaks of a trial by fire. but he once says that,

"For all my life, whenever I want to happily play around, I can't be happy. When I grew up a little, I wanted to learn arts both martial and literary with my parents, but no one was around to teach me. Tell me… isn't that some very poor timing?" (Ch. 29, tl. chichilations)

in short, he is always slightly out of tune. when he meets zhou zishu, he is slightly out of tune as well. zhou zishu is going to die (at this point, it is all but set in stone), and wen kexing has this plan that ends with a bang, with him going up in flames while he burns all of his past grievances and the devils and demons of jianghu, and that includes himself, away.

"This is the human world," he continued, "and the human world should not have ghosts and demons. The … prestigious Hero Ghao Chong is ridding the world of calamities for the common folk. If we don't lend a hand, would your many years of reading sagely texts not be in vain? I heard that only many years of cultivation can then give you a fulfilled life, but if you don't do anything notable, wouldn't those decades have been for nothing?" / Zhou Zishu didn't answer, but Wen Kexing still turned to ask after him. "Wouldn't you agree, Ah-Xu?" (Ch. 16, tl. chichilations) When cold rain falls, autumn makes itself known; the wutong tree ages and dies. Thin robes offer no protection from a night of bitter winter, years and lives wasting, whiling away... nothing more than this: resentment, that we met so late. (Ch. 29, tl. hunxi-after-hours)

but oh. while they meet, in that space between them, they carve out a place for them that fits just right; a space where they can explore and discover, play and fuck around, and be human. something neither really knows how to. ("and I started feeling myself open, / started feeling my yes coming back / and it was the sweetest thing I had ever known / the reverse of being haunted, / like taking a deep breath / and pulling the fog of the glass.")

and it also reminds me of this:

(excerpt from 'baked goods' by aimee nezhukumatathil, found here)

seriously, the lines youre quoting in your ask, like (grabs wenzhou and shakes them around) thats them!!! its them!!! but the poem has no single line that isnt a banger, almost no line that doesnt fit them. how it starts is absolutely devastating, it reminds me of wen kexing and the valley and his general attitude re: his lack of autonomy. ("I wanted the yes to last forever so badly later on I told myself: / We’re built like drums. We couldn't make songs / if we had never been hit. It was a desperate theory.") it reminds me of zhou zishu's journey (gestures at qi ye at large) and his unceasing downwards spiral, that ends with him (figuratively but also not) in his own grave. ("And that’s how I lived. I mean, that’s how I’d been living. / Decades of no no no no no no / And that’s okay, an accordion could not make a song / if it never closed.") like, zhou zishu is a survivor. the fact that he decides to kill himself has been a long way coming emotionally, but only really comes to pass in the physical world when liang jiuxiao's death kicks him off over edge, and half a decade later, he still remembers him with that misunderstanding in mind; otherwise, im fairly sure, he would have never done so, despite being unhappy and miserable.

"Who?" Zhou Zishu laughed dourly. "You mean the girl at the restaurant? I'll handle her. Liang Jiuxiao … he… he said murderers pay with their lives. Told me to pay with my life." (Qi Ye, Ch. 62, tl. chichilations) Murdering someone should be paid with one's life? Why should it be? In this world, there was a way to make living worse than dying. (TYK, Ch. 20, tl. chichilations)

but wen kexing, even despite being highly aware that he has never really lived, tries to find light in the darkness even in his last days on earth. ruth @specialability said the other day when i was rambling about wen kexing's general attitude re: his own impending death in my tags, "I do think that Wen Kexing is sort of removed from his reality in a dissociative way but he doesn't want to be. He is trying to have life experiences that are not so shitty and I do think there are times when he is very 'present', especially with Chengling," and i agree. they are both in their last days on this earth, and they are desperately making the most of it, because in all honesty, neither really wants to die. this shift from "not wanting to die" to "living", in tyk, happens incredibly slow and not all at once, i think. its a gradual process, a lot must be chosen and decided upon, and before all, wenzhou must allow themselves to believe in hope again.

thats what rattles me so about 'good light', its about how there hasnt always been hopelessness, but now, it is hard to remember how it used to be; having faith. believing in the good. this ardous, sometimes agonizing process of starting to believe in it again, of opening yourself to possibilities again. in the chapter when wu xi and jing qi return to examine zhou zishu again, after they already pronounced him incurable once before, and savable only if he paid a price that turns out to be his bottom line, zhou zishu says, in his pov:

Even though the time he had spent alive could not be considered ‘long’, Zhou Zishu felt that it was sufficient for him to understand this lesson--that there was no such thing as a free lunch. Even if these two people before him could be considered ‘friends’ if he were hard-pressed to, even if he was familiar with how the Great Shaman operated, he still dared not believe it so easily. / Because… it could hurt, this thing called hope. (Ch. 64, tl. wenbuxing)

but oh, it can be so sweet as well, cant it? when youve opened yourself to it, when youve begun to discover life, the world, yourself and who you might be; a second chance, at life, at being a person. like, wenzhou are so weird, but they are also trying out this thing called courtship, called friendship, called mundane life. and its so funny because they dont know how, and the novel absolutely drags them for it and they drag each other constantly and themselves too, no thing is left untouched. but also it is funny, it is hilarious, in this tragic sort of way that makes me want to cry, and also in the funny way because these two guys are just so perfect at being clowns.

but it is also sweet and lovely and raw, and thats who they are, and thats what they allow themselves to be, allow each other to be when they are together. they have, somehow, carved out this safe space with each other, where they can be fragile and human.

(quote above from 'i will' by mistki, found here)

#ruth! i hope its fine i keep quoting and atting u!#i know youre chronically tired u dont have to pay this silly little post any mind! i just really liked what u said there #the mutual tag #hi ros!!! hi!! hello hi!!!#sorry this took so long.#i saw this ask and i saw this poem and i was devastated all over the floor for WEEKS.#i have like 100000 drafts inspired by it thank u but no thank u #please add ur thoughts if u have any i love reading them and i would love to keep screaming about this topic especially #hope ure doing good!!! and thank u for the ask! (its the first of its kind in my inbox <3 it was very exciting and anxiety inducing höhö)#ros #ruth #inbox #tian ya ke

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