#i could write a whole ass essay about why hes autistic

[huntedspy]

in a perfect world there would be more autistic4autistic sniperspy fics

#i say “more” because i feel like theyre out there. but i either dont know of them or ive forgotten about them #i love autistic sniper its one of the reasons i came to grip with myself being autistic but please..... #spy is autistic too PLEASE.... #i could write a whole ass essay about why hes autistic #tf2 #spy tf2 #sniper tf2 #sniperspy #bloody suit #i would be so powerful if i had the motivation to write.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

1. No, it’s not. But I recommend stopping at the S14 finale, which is where everything stops making sense.

Spoilers for S14 Finale

(I’m honestly shocked if you’ve managed to avoid them):

Even aside from the nonsense that is shoving Jeid down our throats after 14 years of nothing, it’s obvious as hell the showrunner changed her mind (she admitted so herself). When both of your actors avoid talking about the scene, you know you’ve made a mistake.

It completely ruined Rossi’s wedding and made everything until 15x02 so fucking uncomfortable I actually left the room. But more than anything, the unsub made no sense. I get it, cases are hard. But why the FUCK would he care if JJ liked Spencer? He didn’t know she was married, much less not married to him? He didn’t know anything about them? Why did they randomly throw in a line about Spencer being in prison just for the guy to discount it?

None of it made any sense. It was super bad.

2. Everything.

Season 15 Spoilers

From the jump, JJ’s stupid ass decision to pick up the gun? Why would she do that? Seriously, why? Like... Spencer was right there. Why wouldn’t she just stand there and radio for him? They weren’t gonna get the gun, how the fuck would they do that?

Essentially, S15 turns all of the characters into fucking idiots. Starting at the S14 finale, they cheapen Spencer and JJ’s friendship AND JJ’s marriage. It turned it all into boy and girl can’t be friends, and I’ll never forgive them for it. It would have made eons more sense if it was a Jemily confession.

But beyond that, the only other episodes I’ve seen so far are Saturday and Date Night - two of the worst written episodes I’ve ever seen in this show. We ignore it because everyone loves Cat Adams, but that’s actually why I hate them. Also...

Max is a raging Mary Sue. 

She is a self-insert garbage character that I’m convinced was never supposed to exist. She was thrown in to make Spencer “normal” instead of just letting him be autistic. She’s rude to him and he doesn’t care because... they need him to not care about it. Her storyline makes no sense. She’s just meant to “fix” Spencer’s autism bc that’s the only way he could be happy and in love, right? If he’s “normal?”

You’re telling me that Spencer Reid, seasoned profiler and almost murderer who was imprisoned, REALLY thinks that his Mary Sue girlfriend is capable of murder? Look me in my eyes and tell me that. That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life.

Even further, you’re telling me ACTUAL murderer, prolific hitwoman, and genius Cat Adams believes this random girl saying she murdered someone? The same girl who called Spencer on every bluff except the one about her father? ARE YOU JOKING?

Then the whole making Spencer super hot for Cat thing. She tried to murder his mother. She also either ordered someone to r*pe him, or at least made him believe it happened. Come on, man. I get it, it’s hot, whatever, but it really shouldn’t have been canon. It was just some horny writer being weird. Not to mention, it canonically made Spencer a cheater. 

I will never get over that scene - let’s walk through this from an unbiased perspective please:

Girlfriend witnesses boyfriend making out with murderer who tried to murder his mother and your family. Girlfriend says, “Hey, you seemed real into that kiss?”

Boyfriend laughs and goes “Haha, yep! Sure was.”

Girlfriend laughs and goes “Haha, you like the bad girls.”

Boyfriend who has never once shown a single interest in anyone even remotely resembling a bad girl ever in 15 seasons, “Yeah, usually. But I like you, good girl I just cheated on!”

Girlfriend is happy. “Let’s kiss!”

What the fuck. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

GIRL. L E  A V E H I M.

This isn’t even to mention that Spencer in 15x02 goes “I can’t imagine a life where I’m not waiting for JJ” to “I’m ready to move on with Max” in Saturday to “I’m hot for Cat” in Date Night to “Maeve is the only woman I’ve ever loved.” 

Pick a fucking lane, bro.

There’s a lot more I’ve heard but haven’t seen yet that is a disaster (including the continuity error where “Rossi knows the jet better than anyone” when he literally didn’t know it existed before he returned to the BAU - JJ and Spencer know it better than him). But I haven’t watched it yet so, guess we’ll find out then.

3-4. Hahah this made me laugh because my immediate answer was... 2008. I actually used to have a MGG/Spencer Reid blog in 2011. Let that sink in.

I think my rewatch started Dec 2019? I don’t remember. We took a lot of breaks, including a couple months between S12-13 since we bought them. I watched S13-14 in a week, lmao. We’ll probably finish S15 this week.

5. Awwwwe ewok baby! Clearly from how much I just typed in this massive rant, my arm is feeling somewhat better. I hope it is fully healed in a couple days, but until then I’m mostly just writing bar prep essays.

#answer #answered #s14 #s15 #spoilers #cm spoilers #s14 spoilers #s15 spoilers

[unsureofreligionname]

This was meant to be me venting, but accidentally became a history of my relationship with religion instead.

Alright. So.

Came here to talk about religion because I have no outlet. If you don't want to hear it, just block me. I'm not trying to convert anyone, I'm just explaining things to see if anyone has a feckin name for my damn belief system, because I really want to avoid accidentally starting a religion or something and pissing everyone off more.

People who got pissy last time got on my ass about how I probably wasn't even ethnically jewish, so here's the whole story.

I was raised by a mother who was raised by a non-practicing jewish mother, both of whom converted to christianity in the late nineties, shortly before I was born. They're ethnically jewish, or so I'm told.

Not super related, but, in case it comes up later, I was raised with the belief that my mother's family is a long line of very careful psychics, which roughly means "a lot of the family is sensitive to spirit shit but avoids it like the plague because it's scary."

I was raised by a father who is, as far as I know, not ethnically jewish. He's of mixed asian heritage, so i guess maybe, but I'm going to assume he's not. His parents, however, were both religiously Jewish; my grandmother was adopted and raised Jewish, and my grandfather converted sometime between meeting and marrying my grandmother. They are reform. My father wasn't the most religious guy in the world, but, if you asked, he'd probably either make a joke about ohio state football or say that he was jewish.

I was raised by my father and mother together until I was seven. We didn't always consistently go to church in early childhood, but my mother did take me to two or three for months or years at a time during the 2-5 period. We celebrated christmas and easter, and i had an illustrated children's bible that, if I remember right, was split into two parts: the first was marketed to christian and jewish kids, and the latter- new testament- to christian kids. Guessing the marketing from the publishing organizations. I think I had a few other religious books and videotapes directed towards kids, both jewish and christian. I specifically remember one that illustrated mana as vanilla wafers for some reason. At seven, my parents divorced, and I primarily lived with my dad.

My dad didn't take me anywhere on the regular, but when I visited his parents for the full weekend, they'd take me to the synagogue. This was every couple of weeks. We celebrated major jewish holidays, but smaller festivals only really got a mention. When I was ten, my dad and stepmother married. She wasn't really religious, but her parents were christian, so christmas was back on our roster then, too.

I started going to hebrew school in 6th grade, but I didn't actually have a bar mitzvah because I ended up getting kicked out at around the time I turned 13 due to a whole thing about me going trick or treating when I was "too old" or whatever, shitty parents, so I ended up having to go live with my mom after that.

At this point, my mom was studying to become a youth pastor, and enrolled me into a local christian school with about a hundred students. Unfortunately, this ended up being a weird fundamentalist cult with its own textbooks and teachings, including that bacteria was not real, AIDS was a summoned by The Gays™ to kill all the christians, evolution was a conspiracy meant to dissuade people from religion, et cetera. It was fucking bizarre, at one point they called several of us posessed for being autistic and otherwise neurodivergent, and they categorized us students into the groups wise, fools, simple, and scorners. (I was a fool, by the way.) It was really not ideal, and the weird punishments were pretty traumatic. There was some weird brainwashy type word repetition involved with lookatthepersonsayokayanddothetask over and over and over, and it sucked.

So, I was at that school for about 18 months before they kicked me out for refusing to stand on one foot for an extended period of time after tapping my foot in class which caused a student who disliked me to complain.

At the same time, my mother was working at a small church out of town that wasn't exactly a cult, but I think the pastor kind of wanted it to be? It was like he wanted the cult aesthetic™ and devoted followers and shit, but only had the skill to make a really sketchy and toxic small town church with a lot of people sitting on blankets on the floor instead. That church honestly wasn't a big part of my life the way the fucked cult was, I just sort of went most weeks. I went to a confirmation class there- I'm pretty sure it was a methodist church- and got confirmed into it shortly before my mother left because the administration was weird in like an asshole way, and that was the last I knew of it.

I was homeschooled for a while during the end of this period due to all of the school stuff. Religiously, by this point in my life, I'd developed some of my own beliefs. I believed in most of the new testament and most of the torah, but I didn't have much exposure to the talmud or much of a comprehensive education in any religion. I think I read a bible cover to cover at least once as a kid, including some shitty commentary (it was a preteen bible) that gave me some internalized homophobia issues for actual years. I was also super curious about the paranormal but terrified of possession- remember the cult?- and I was curious about the idea of some people being reincarnated if they were needed on earth again. Not sure where exactly that idea came from, but it was there. People told me from a lot of sides that those with the wrong religion would go to hell, and the cult tried to teach us all to convert people at any opportunity, but, after leaving, the whole situation just made me massively uncomfortable. I did continue to practice the jewish traditions I knew how to do on my own- like hannukah and a weird private sort of passover- and my mother would support this by getting me what I needed for it, even though she didn't participate and I didn't go to any place of worship during holidays.

After getting kicked out of school not that long after adjusting to not seeing my dad or siblings on his side, we moved. My dad lost custody at some point and we no longer had to live close, so we moved and tried to find a better school. It was a Catholic grade school this time, and I was there for about six months, if I had to guess. It was actually a pretty good school, but I had some issues at the time, so I didn't enjoy it much. I was scared of teachers and administration by then, and I had trouble going the entire school day without panicking or not being able to work. There was a period of a week or two in which I didn't speak at school at all. We ended up settling on half days, and, after that, I did well.

The religion class was awkward. The other kids seemed to know more than me even though I'd thought I had a good grasp on religion at that point, and the little information we shared I'd been taught from a very different perspective. Everyone was very nice to me, but I definitely stood out as the kid who wasn't catholic at that point.

Chapel was even weirder. We had to go every wednesday during school, and catholic churches had so many traditions I didn't know about, and the stuff I knew about from either my jewish grandparents or protestant churches had a different name for some reason.

I'm looking at you, sacraments.

Anyway.

I don't think I got much out of the chapel, but religion classes were kind of cool. I liked learning about stuff I hadn't heard before, and the things that were the same were a comfort.

Soon, though, I was graduating eighth grade. I ended up going to a catholic high school. I was still out of place, but I at least had a basic idea of what to do during the mass this school had monthly.

I liked the religion classes here more, how they were an open discussion of everyone's opinions and experiences, and I liked that both of the most recent schools I'd gone to had actual textbooks with facts and studies in them. There were more kids there who weren't catholic, and I felt more comfortable to actually explore religious topics with people. I had a better understanding of catholic beliefs, a decent idea of their traditions, and could recognize at least a few of their holidays I couldn't have before.

I spent my last year of high school at a public career center to start working towards a medical career.

Now, my current beliefs. If you don't want to read it, then just don't.

I haven't been to any place of worship since my school required it, but I do have strong beliefs. I believe in one God (which I generally write all the way out after a billion essays for religion class) who created everything and watches over humans, which he made in his image, etc etc etc. I believe the old stories from the tanakh/old testament/don't care what you call it and the new- yes, including the key messiah bit- though I do think it wasn't all translated perfectly and that it was written by humans who made mistakes and poor decisions sometimes in their writing. I believe people's salvation comes through their intention, not through a piece of knowledge or a creed or good deeds or a tradition, and I believe different people worshipping in different ways is how it should be, because different people NEED different styles of worship. I believe that if someone is genuinely mistaken and incorrect in who or what they believe in, it doesn't MATTER because it's the intention to strive to do good and not harm fellow people that counts. I'm a little guarded about sharing my own beliefs, hence why I made an anonymous tumblr account, but I'm generally very curious to hear about what other people believe. I find that, for me, celebrating Jewish holidays and traditions helps me get closer to God, and I'd like to find a place of worship one day, but churches fucking terrify me now. I worship best by sitting and discussing beliefs, but I have no place to do it now that I've graduated school. I also developed some of my less related beliefs now: I believe in a lot of old stories that have popped up around the world, like fairies of various places, different creatures and entities and things that have become the subject of curiosity or worship, spirits and things, etc. I think many of these creatures exist, just that they may be different from us in the nature of how they interact with the world and matter and that, and I don't think they're deities or anything. I believe in ghosts of humans in some cases, too, though I believe sometimes other things mimic them. I don't find the idea of God having someone reincarnated if he wants the same soul to play many parts in the world unlikely at all, though that's really just me speculating. I still believe in demons, and I still don't want anything to do with them.

A lot of my understanding of things comes from Jewish, Catholic, and Protestant teaching in a strange mishmosh of culture and religion.

I relate to a lot of things directed at Jewish people, and I understand what's directed at Catholic people. Things directed at Protestant people are both understood and, unfortunately, make me instinctively wary due to weird cult trauma (that in no way reflects on actual protestant people, i love you guys some people just suck and twist religion) so are hard to interact with.

In a lot of ways, I'd consider myself Jewish. Culturally, at least, if my religious beliefs aren't "validly jewish" or whatever.

I have literally zero actual connections to any Catholic church, but I almost feel like a weird half-catholic. That's not a thing, but it's how it feels. I believe a lot of it, and I'm interested in all of it, even if I have my disagreements, plus I understand the environments and culture of it, even if I'm a bit of an outsider.

A year- or maybe two years, idk- ago, I mentioned some upcoming holiday or smth in a post and tagged it messianic. That's the closest name I could find for my experience, but apparently some organizations who use the term suck or something. I ended up getting a bunch of asks calling me a predatory fake jew or a fundamentalist christian trying to appropriate judaism or other weird shit that I'm NOT DOING. Because of my experiences in the past, those comments still weigh so damn heavy on my that I broke my resolve and made this stupid account to complain about it.

I don't have a name for what I am. I don't know where to go to talk about my beliefs with people, or what environment I could find to actually practice whatever weird faith I've dreamt up with other people in a way that isn't just picking part of what I believe and leaving the rest to rot. I feel closer to God and more spiritually fulfilled practicing the festivals that call back to what the Jewish people of old went through, but I also believe in the messiah of the new testament, and I like to read the pope's opinion on things, even though I think no human is perfect or infallible. I want to talk about old writings with people and discuss what they mean, from my religion or others, and I don't want to give any of what's right for me spiritually up.

I don't know what this post is for.

Maybe I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this is a thing or if I'm the only one with this belief system. I'm sick of getting shit for the actions of people who I'm not affiliated with, so apparently calling myself messianic doesn't cut it. I can't call myself "spiritual but not religious" either, because I'm very religious, it's just very personal and not something I shove at people, and "christian" doesn't describe a solid half of what I believe. Off and on again I've considered converting to Catholicism, but I think that's kind of grasping at the closest thing that won't piss off tumblr anons as much. (And yeah, the larger Catholic church can suck, but I honestly think I'm gonna get that with any religion with a large following)

Rambling aside:

I want to find a short description that hits the major points of what I believe in order to help me find a place or group of worship that actually matches my spiritual needs without compromising the cultures that I grew up with and making me feel like shit.

(Also don't try to change my beliefs thanks)

I'll be tagging this with anything I've mentioned or vaguely heard of that might be related so relax ok

#dont get pissy with me ok #jewish #judaism #christian #christianity #catholic #catholiscism #wow that was hard to spell #messianic #messianic judaism #hebrew roots #i think thats what thats called? #makuya #??? #half of these are off of wikipedia #religious #religious discussion #religious discourse #please respond someone im dying give me information #just dont be a dick

[autistic-paul]

You Cut Through All the Noise - Chapter 1

Summary: 

Alice's parents are fighting a lot, and she's struggling. The whole situation isn't ideal for Bill, either. At least they aren't alone.

I have a lot of feelings about Bill and Paul being best friends, about Bill trying to be a good dad, and about the fact that Paul babysat Alice. She canonically thinks he's cool. So I wrote about it!

Tags: Bill & Alice, Alice & Paul, Bill & Paul, Divorce, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Autistic Paul, Assume he’s autistic in everything I write, though it’s much less explicit in this one, Paul is everyone’s emotional support, Alice is wonderful and trying her best

Chapter 2 is here!

AO3, or under the cut! 1454 words.

Alice was smarter than anyone gave her credit for. Sure, her grades in school were good. She’d always been a decent student. Teachers liked her. Why wouldn’t they? She was a good student, handing in her work on time, raising her hand when no one else did. There was nothing quite like seeing a little gold star on her test, or her mother’s grin when she made honor roll. Her dad took every opportunity to boast that his little girl was going places, Yale, probably. He was so proud. It made Alice uncomfortable sometimes, but it was better than the alternative. She wanted him to be proud of her, so she blushed and accepted his overenthusiastic praise. Sometimes she wished that he’d notice other things, the arbitrary numbers that labeled her intelligent in the class came so easily to her. She didn’t feel like she deserved the attention for something that she didn’t work particularly hard for.

When Alice was fourteen, her grades began to slip. Homework stopped being handed in as often as it should be. It wasn’t through lack of effort, Alice never stopped trying her very best. It was sleepless nights. It was shaking hands in the school bathroom, water splashed on her face to try to regain composure. It was Alice staring at a blank screen in the middle of the night, the cursor blinking over and over and over.

It was yelling just outside her door, fights that never went anywhere, just in circles closing tighter and tighter, closing around Alice’s throat until it was all she could think about. It was chilly silences at the dinner table, and no acknowledgments or praise when Alice managed to scramble together a B. It was so much harder than it used to be. Trying to write an essay with tears making the screen blurry wasn’t easy, as it turned out.  Did her parents even notice? Did they care? They were too busy being determined to not care about each other to notice her.

Alice’s teachers noticed, though. They called her back after class and gave the same tired spiel about her not living up to her potential. Alice was convinced they all followed some sort of script. Occasionally they’d ask if everything was okay back home. Usually, they didn’t. It made no difference to Alice, she wasn’t going to break down in an empty classroom to an adult she didn’t know, open up about the fears keeping her up at night. This tension, the fighting, it had to be temporary. There was no other alternative.

Alice knew she needed to talk to someone. Her fears were hardening, crystallizing, and she didn’t want to know what would happen if they shattered. She didn’t need to explode in front of her parents, they were struggling enough. How long had they been like this and she simply hadn’t noticed? Did they hide it for her sake, until it was too large to hide behind polite smiles and empty gestures of affection?

Was it her fault?

Alice dreaded coming home, but she didn’t know where else to go. The few friends she had, acquaintances, really, had gotten irritated by the dark cloud following her wherever she went. They’d stopped inviting her over. Alice didn’t blame them, she didn’t want to be around herself either.

Alice had been walking home from school one day, and the anxiety tightening in her chest was crushing. The idea of going back, seeing her mother greet her with a strained smile as if nothing had changed was unbearable. Alice didn’t need to check the time, she could count down the minutes until her father came through the door from the building tension radiating off her mother.

No, she couldn’t go back. Not yet, at least. Alice didn’t really think about where she was going as she took a turn, one that didn’t lead home. She didn’t think about where she was going until she made her way to an apartment building. It was silly, Alice thought as she knocked tentatively. He probably wasn’t home. He’d be at work, with her dad. She hadn’t seen him in ages, and it wasn’t like her to just visit alone. Too late to turn back, though, and she stood awkwardly, fully expecting the door to never open, force her to abandon this plan and go home. She was so certain that it was all for nothing that she jumped when the door swung open.

Paul’s eyes widened, but he smiled when he saw her. A genuine smile. It warmed Alice’s heart a little, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen anyone so happy to see her. Her doubts washed away as he welcomed her inside without question.

The nice thing about Paul was that he was blunt. Not harsh, just honest. He wasn’t one to beat around the bush. The second Alice saw him, the sympathy in his eyes, she knew he was all too aware of what was going on with her dad. There were dark circles around his eyes, and she realized with a jab to her heart that he must be struggling too. Her dad was his best friend. As hard as it was to see her parents’ relationship falling apart… At least she didn’t sit next to him all day, watching his misery grow like Paul did. Alice wondered for a moment if this was a good idea. Paul’s hand was at his side, tapping his thumb against his fingers repeatedly, one after the other. Alice chewed her lip. He was nervous; Alice assumed he didn’t know what to say to her. This wasn’t normal, it wasn’t like her to drop by alone with no warning for some emotional support. She shouldn’t have come, it wasn’t fair to him. She was about to apologize and turn around when he gestured to the couch and spoke. “Do you want to talk about it? I just got the new Mario Kart, that’s an option too.”

Simple and direct, she should have guessed he’d know just what to say. Paul had known her practically her whole life, Alice had clear memories of Paul picking her up from school and taking her to get ice cream, grinning at her and telling her not to tell her dad. She didn’t have anyone else to go to, and she needed someone who understood how she was feeling. Alice had spent so long pointedly not talking about what things were like with her parents, and she suddenly realized that she didn’t know how to start. She wasn’t ready. He’d given her a choice, and Alice decided that she could talk about it another time, when she felt less fragile. Alice smiled softly and sat down on the couch, grabbing a Joy-Con. “Toadette will kick your ass.”

Paul dropped onto the cushion next to her, bumping his shoulder against hers. “Language!” He chastised. Alice stuck out her tongue, he’d been cursing around her before she even knew what the words meant.

She didn’t even realize that she’d never told her parents where she was until Paul paused the game to answer his phone. Alice took the chance to check hers, and winced when she saw her notifications. Missed call after missed call. Whoops. She’d get an earful when she got home. That’s what she got for forgetting to turn off silent mode after her test. The anxiety that’d briefly faded moved to the forefront again, and her thoughts blurred. She was so stupid, she must have worried them so much.

“Bill, don’t worry, Alice is with me.” Paul spoke softly into his phone, drawing Alice back to reality. A pause. Alice could hear her father’s frantic tone, but not his words. “She’s fine! We’re just playing Mario Kart.” Paul listened, closing his eyes. “Okay. I’ll get her home, don’t worry.” Alice tensed. It hadn’t been that long. Alice nudged him and he turned to her. She shook her head a little, hoping he’d get it. “There’s still a few tracks we haven’t tried, I was going to order pizza.” Paul spoke casually. Alice held her breath. She listened to the response on the other end of the phone, catching only a few words. Homework was the only one that stood out. Paul cut him off. “I need to go, bye!” Alice almost choked out a laugh. Paul was many things, diplomatic was not one of them.

Paul hung up and unceremoniously unpaused their game, making Alice scramble to keep up as he took a little head start. Alice finally relaxed. They could talk about everything that had been going on, the thoughts and terrors keeping her up at night. Paul would be there when she was ready.

#tgwdlm #starkid #tgwdlm fic #the guy who didn't like musicals #paul matthews #mine #fic

[witchofthemidlands]

WHY POWER RANGERS 2017 DESERVED A SEQUEL. In This Essay I Will...

A lot of people are gonna disagree with me on this, but in my opinion, Power Rangers 2017 is a goddam masterpiece. It’s probs my second favourite film of all time. It’s beautiful, it’s funny, I felt that soundtrack in my soul and it has an amazing cast. I adore it, alright? Have done since I brought the dvd, because I couldn’t see it in cinemas at the time, because of those stupid ass exams... Anyway, I’m in a shitty headspace, I kinda want to yeet myself out of a window, I’ve had a drink, so, like the piece of actual garage I am, I am going to yeet myself into the trash can of Power Rangers 2017 & explain, why I believe that this film deserved a sequel.

First off THE CHARACTERS. Honestly, one the best things about this entire film is just these five wonderful characters. I could’ve watched these characters do random shit for a whole twenty four hours & not get bored istg, they’re great & they all deserved the world.

Jason Scott: Red Ranger, leader of the squad. Jason is probably my favourite out of the squad if I had to pick one & that’s not just because he’s played by the absolute legend, Dacre Montgomery. Jason won me over from the minute he said ‘tHat’S nOt aN uDDeR dUDe!’ (how tf did the cow get out of the gym to be in the field when Jason’s driving away though) Jason was completely different from everything I was expecting him to be. I thought he was just gonna be another one of those dumbass jock characters, who would slowly start to get on my nerves, but nope. Unlike what I was expecting, this character showed a great range of emotions. He was loyal, brave, hugged his best mate twice and cared so much about his family & friends. I mean the guy went so goddam HARD for Billy Cranston after only knowing him for five minutes. I stan that level of immense friendship.

Kimberly Hart: Pink Ranger. I adored her, honestly, I loved everything about her. She was played by the gorgeous Naomi Scott & was a really interesting character, because she was a character that had done a really shitty thing, but was trying to do better. What I liked about all these characters, was that they were all flawed in some way & were not perfect like all these kinds of films try to portray their characters, which was honestly, why Power Rangers was such a breath of fresh air, because it actually showed decent characters, that were not perfect and were working to try and become the best versions of themselves, but knew that they had a long way to go before they could do that. Kimberly was a part of a cyber bullying incident & it was great to see that they never tried to excuse the shit she did, but got her to accept that she did do it and that she couldn’t change what she did. When I first watched this film, I immediately expected Kim to be a major bitch, but she wasn’t. Seriously, these characters were so well written istg. Also, I know the kiss scene was deleted & I both agree & disagree about them deleting it (I shipped Jason & Kim, guys. Then again, I pretty much shipped them all at random times. Jason & Kim, Jason & Billy, Kim & Trini, all the Rangers in one big beautiful poly relationship etc) Yet, what I did like about it was how forward Kim was, most these teen based films, it’s always the guy who makes the first move, gives the first kiss etc, but ma girl, Kim WENT for it. I mean, she full on went for it & topped Jason. I have never stanned harder. You go, Kim! Again, I adored her. Enough said.

Billy Cranston: Blue Ranger, honestly the purest of them all. I loved this guy from the second he appeared (screw that asshole who broke his pencils in his first scene I’d have done more than just slapped that bitch istg), he cared so much about his mates, he gave everything into becoming a Ranger, like the guy was so pumped about becoming a superhero. Too pure for this world, I swear & was such a cheerful character, I mean, the poor dude literally died & he was still probs the happiest of them all. His friendship with Jason was literally one of the best friendships I’ve seen in a film between two dudes, they loved each other & were pretty much joined at the hip throughout the film, honestly legends. Again, these writers really wrote some bloody good characters, because they wrote Billy to be an autistic character & it’s rare to see representation of autistic characters, especially ones that are main characters, which is another reason why the character of Billy Cranston was greatly appreciated, because they handled it well. I will always love that scene where Billy is trying to explain his autism to Jason & he’s just like ‘you don’t have to explain it to me.’ Because Jason accepted him for who he is right away. This friendship was beautiful & the fact that we were robbed of seeing more of it in a sequel is a crime against nature.

Zack Taylor: Black Ranger, was honestly my dude. This guy was so much fun, but honestly, the stand out thing about his character was how much he loved his mother! I appreciate how realistically written these characters are, I really do. It was great to finally see a teenage character who was shown to be a care provider for a relative. It broke my soul when Zack said that his greatest fear was coming home & finding his mother dead, as someone who helps care for a relative, that is a very real fear & I appreciated how they wrote Zack’s explanation about his mother. Another thing I liked about him, was that even though he was a tease & flirted with Trini throughout most of the film, he totally cooled it down when she admitted that she was questioning her sexuality. Honestly, a character to stan here.

Trini: Yellow Ranger, an absolute mood. Oof, what a character. I honestly didn’t know that Becky G could act, but she honestly blew me away in Power Rangers. Trini was definitely one of the best characters in the film, she came across as tough as nails, but she slowly started to find a family in the Ranger Squad. Her & Kim were awesome (I pretty much ship all these characters in various ships, but I gotta admit, I got some hella gay vibes during that doughnut scene). She evidently had helicopter parents, but got on well with her siblings, even if one did say that he thought the Yellow Ranger was a dude, honestly iconic. There was an interesting part where she was talking questioning her sexuality & her parents want to use labels, again, these writers really gave it their all with these characters, because that is incredibly realistic & I really felt for her.

Seriously, this is an incredibly talented cast (Dacre Montgomery deserves whatever awards they can throw at him for Stranger Things) & is one of the more diverse casts I’ve seen in a film & the fact that they want to reboot it again without this cast is just wrong. Yeah, the story was a bit patchy in places, it wasn’t a groundbreaking film, but to me it was a masterpiece, because it made me feel things, it made me laugh, it gave me something I could escape to when I needed it. It had fantastically written characters that you could actually relate to and it was just a whole lot of fun. There’s so much shite out there these days that gets sequels green lit that isn’t nearly as half as good as Power Rangers 2017 was. They also didn’t give us a complete ending, what with the post credit scene, where it seemed like they were introducing their proposed version of Tommy Oliver. I wanted to see who they’d want as Tommy, how they’d write the character & how they’d change the character. I heard somewhere (don’t quote me on this I saw it on tumblr) that Tommy could’ve been a woman in this version, that would’ve been epic. They had so much potential there & they just gave up & decided to reboot because of what? Was it because the film did that badly, did the cast not want to do a second film? I totally respect them for that if they didn’t, but it totally sucks ass that they’re rebooting it again, because they had the perfect set up there, they had a banging soundtrack, the best cast known to man & god & PLEASE can someone create an actual Alpha Five? I need a motivational robot like that in my life.

Power Rangers 2017 deserved sequels.

However, if it must be rebooted, my fan cast for the reboot would be.

Dacre Montgomery - Jason Scott

Naomi Scott - Kimberly Hart

RJ Cyler - Billy Cranston

Becky G - Trini

Ludi Lin - Zack Taylor

Bill Hader - Alpha Five

Whoever they want for the rest of the cast.

POWER RANGERS 2017 DESERVED BETTER FOLKS.

✌️

#power rangers 2017

[sugarcanestock]

classroom 5

I can’t stand Takoda, every time he speaks, no matter how kind the words may be, all I can think is how much better off we would be without him. It wasn’t always this way though, I suppose at first I rather liked him, but that was then and this is now, and now he’s infuriating. He could simply breath, and I'm ready to slit his throat.   Oak grove isn’t a normal school, it’s a special school for equally special people. Everyone there is either retarded, autistic, suicidal, or some criminal. I’m no exception, I am so dead inside you can smell the rotting rom a mile away. The staff here are usually just as special as the students, although a very few of them are normal, never the good kind of normal.   The staff at the oak grove have the patience of absolute saints, at least the good ones. I’ve seen some staff watch a kid running around breaking things and causing a ruckus, but his staff didn’t so much as flinch. She just asked him if he wanted a break, he said yes and that was that. Its not uncommon to hear screaming and someone banging on the walls, usually we just lock the door and continue the lesson. The teachers must be some other kind of being, despite the horrible way some of the students treat them, they continue with a smile.I have asked them why they stay, being so under payed, and mistreated, they usually say how they want to help us and describe the joy it brings them when we get better.   But some of these staff are so far up your ass you can’t even share something with your friends without it being confiscated. Mrs. Janine everyone hates her, until she brings some snack into class, even then the love doesn’t last long. She is the one I call ‘rule hitler’ you can take what you will with that. Mrs. Star isn’t so bad, but she is certainly too religious, same with Janine, I feel like I’m suffocating in all that stupid Christian mumbo jumbo. Mrs. Star was in the music industry and she just must talk about it constantly and tell you how she ‘sang for this person’ and ‘wrote for this person’ and’ blah blah blah’. She’s got an ok singing voice, but she’s very energetic, too much for me. she is trying to write a tv show script, but her writing works better for an 80’s game show. If she could just stop sucking jesus’s dick for one second, maybe I could stand her better. Mrs. Janine likes to butt her way into our conversations about how we hate god, trying to fill us with the lies she eats every Sunday.

  Not a Satan worshiper, don’t even believe in Satan, certainly don’t worship him. But I have nothing against him, he seems like a chill dude, way better than that god prick.Since god created everything right? And he makes no mistakes? Then he created Satan and wanted him to be evil. Also if satan punishes us for being bad, doesn’t that make him good?     My class is small, smaller than my old school. My old school had over 30,000 students. This one, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even have 100. Everyone knows each other, and there is no way of getting out of all the drama. That’s one of the many things I hate about this school, I don’t give a hairless rats ass about who insulted who.   In my class there is Marissa, the school thot. But she’s cool I don’t mind her. She recently had a girlfriend, I thought they were rather cute together. Though I think it was Marissa's longest relationship, all good things must come to an end, and just before their two-month anniversary it did. I'm glad though, I am friends with her ex, and I didn’t want her to be cheated on, Marissa certainly isn't above that.     Then there is Maria, she’s not my favorite, I think she is a little too conceded for my taste. But she cute, but way too focused on how she looks, and her nails. I think if she spent just a little less time on her looks, and worked on her education, she really could do great things.     There is also sorelle I’ve known her for awhile. She once said she wanted to be referred to as a guy and called Grayson, but I’m not sure if she still wants to since she doesn’t respond to it, and no one calls her that. Her and Maria are friends with Marissa, but they are jealous of each other, they always spread rumors about each other. Marissa is rather daft, and usually doesn’t know who to side with, so she picks both, each one on a different day.     Then we’ve got the fat ass of the class, not that I think being fat is an issue, it’s just being that fat isn’t healthy. He’s extremely annoying, and he gets pissed off with the simples little jokes. He also loves to infuriate me, and he’s far too big to fight. His name is Andrew, he’s a sports fan, I hate sports they're so boring and pointless, unless you play them, but only freaks watch sports.   There’s the two love birds of our class, scratch that the two love birds of the whole school. Sean and Catherine. I greatly prefer Catherine’s company, since she isn’t as intense. She is rather timid and usually keeps to herself, but Sean helps her come out of her shell. She listens to bands like pierce the veil, and stuff like that. I too am emo, well I guess I’m more goth, but I prefer Rusty cage, and my chemical romance. They both are giant weebs, and are constantly playing Pokémon on their ds’s, I mean they are dorm so there’s not much else to do. Dorm of course means, they live here at the school, but its less like a collage and more like a residential everything is restricted, you cant even have paper.   Alex who I like the best, he’s very quiet and his stomach is a black hole. I swear I’ve never seen him turn down food, he has a part in the school Christmas play, as a hungry elf, just constantly eating. He is polite and has never caused me any issues, so I try to treat him the same.   Allie who is new to the dorms. A sweet soul with a bit of a mischievous glint. Marissa and sorelle don’t like her cause she takes things without asking, she thinks she’s being cute but she really is just being rude. I don’t particularly mind her though, I think she just needs some lessons in manners, and someone needs to teach her to stop making up stories. She tried to tell me she was some animal whisperer, I acted as if I believed her but I saw right through her bs, she does that a lot, make up stories about herself to look cool, I think it’s a bit childish.   I suppose now I Must once again talk about Takoda, oh how just his very name makes my blood boil, so stupid, the retarted Dakoda. I once said one of his middle names (yes he has more than one) was dumb and he started crying, then gave me an essay about what all his names meant, of course I told him I didn’t care and he loudly exclaimed.

“Fuck you!” with tears running down his face, and a shaking voice. It makes me laugh to this day, what a little bitch.

At first he seemed charming and funny, but that was before I knew what a good joke was. And the creep was caught masturbating in the girls bathroom, that’s why he’s here. What a freak. He tries to tell people he was caught fucking a trans person, as if any trans person would like a total joke like him. he has no fashion sense, he wears cargo shorts and t-shirts everyday. And if you think there's nothing wrong with that, and or you do that, there is something wrong with you. He laughs at and tells the dumbest jokes, he genuinely still finds cat memes hilarious, you know the ones.

“can I haz cheeseburger.” he even keeps a book of them, he tried to say he babysat, but I saw him looking through it and laughing, what a loser.

. He also makes racist jokes, then we call him out for it, and he can’t take it he’ll get all pissy. One time we made him cry, just for calling him out for being a racist, what a loser. He said that a black guy on the tv looked like the only black student we have in our class, they looked nothing alike other that the fact that they were both black. And he has the audacity, to say that I of all people can’t take a joke, when I give him shit. Anyway, what a prick, right?

But then who am I? just some judgmental bitch, right? Well that may be true there surprisingly more to me than that. I’m mute so that should already tell you how weird I must be. But it gets better, I’m punk/goth it depends on the day. And I’m hella suicidal, and depressed. I am schizophrenic and always paranoid, but it affects me less now that I want to die. There’s nothing else really interesting with me other than the fact that I have large breasts, so I’m a big titty goth bitch.

The day starts off completely normal, if you asked me, I would say it’s too normal. I swear I haven't even heard a single person screaming. Mr. Higgans our bubbly, sweet teacher. What a saint, he began our math lesson.

“alright, so you each have your notebooks, right?” no one in the class verbally responded, but a few of us nodded, including me. I flip to a random page and start writing out the equasions on a blank page.

“alright, Evlyn do you know what page you’re doing?” I nodded and promptly began working, it was simple enough, just regular find the slope of a line. Something seemed off, the hall was quiet, I have been at this school for long enough to know that prolonged silence is not good. I swiftly get out of my seat, Mrs.. Janine as nosey as ever, is out of hers just as fast. When I reach for the door handle she quickly interjects.

“where are you going?” I tell her to piss off, by flailing my hand in a dismissive motion. She needs to learn to mind her own damn business. Grabbing the door handle, I get a horrible sense of dread, but I push past it anyway.

Pushing the door open, all I see is a yellow gloved hand and a dirty, green rag. Without a second to process, I am being held against a tall, strong body, I can hear screaming, and I watch as other masked figures flood in. the second I realize what is happening, I am struggling, kicking, punching, and fighting to hold my breath. But it’s only a matter of time before I must breath in.

#writing #creepypasta #new

[honeylikewords]

what are your favourite marvel villains and why?

That’s a really interesting question, and thank you for asking!

For me, I’m not that into villains. I don’t actually like the whole “grey-moral ‘is he good is he bad’?” schtick. I mean, sometimes it works, but more often than not, it doesn’t. I don’t need to write a whole essay about why I think villain-woobifying can get really gross and not actually develop a deep character but rather just play at the idea of “median zones of morality”, so instead, I’ll just give the best answer I can.

Marvel movies, on the whole, suffer from really objectively one dimensional or illogical villains. For example, Thanos, the super hyped UltraBaddie, is really just… very bland. His reasoning for universal-level genocide isn’t even that well thought out.

Just googling “marvel villain problem” yields nearly ten million results in just 0.49 seconds! Read some of the articles here, if you want! Marvel really has struggled with trying to dimensionalize characters (whether heroes or villains), and sometimes, the efforts just fall flat.

But, of the roster of villains we do have, here are ones that I liked, presented in two categories: objectively interesting and compelling villains, and just rowdy guys who are fun to watch.

Compelling Villains:

1. Erik Killmonger, Black Panther. There’s a LOT to say about Erik Killmonger. Erik is widely regarded as the first (and possibly only) breakout, deep, and complex villain of the MCU. But he still suffers within the narrative form because, in the end, they just… kill him. It just ends abruptly. But the themes he introduced, the concepts, the practical reality of what a person pushed this far by societal hatred and personal suffering can do? It was amazing to watch. 

Obviously, Erik isn’t a good guy. The story didn’t set him up to be redeemable: the writers were conscious of making him aggressively anti-female and violent in a realistic, frightening way. But they also set him up to be sympathetic. One could see how a man brought low by the world would start to think the way he did. 

Erik broke the mold for Marvel, and while I have a lot of feelings (complex and counterintuitive ones) about his arc, he’s far and away the best the MCU has produced in terms of legitimate, fascinating, deeply human villains.

2. Wilson Fisk, specifically in DD s1. Technically, Wilson Fisk is part of the extended television/Netflix MCU, but he still counts, in my opinion. Fisk was the first time I ever found myself actually rooting for the bad guy and wondering “wait… is he… not evil?”

I cried for Wilson Fisk. I ached for his sadness. I wanted him to be happy and to be with Vanessa. I felt awful that he lost Wesley. I felt for him and it confused and scared me, and that’s awesome work on the part of the writers. I’m a firm believer in doing good and being heroic no matter the cost, so I rarely sympathize with villains, but, wow, Fisk caught me off guard.

Seeing the little boy he was and the trauma he went through, the way he actually was just a boy trying to help, save, and protect his mother and, in his later life, the city that raised him, was heartbreaking. Watching him go through the immense tragedy of his life stirred deep sympathy in me.

He was intimately human and so strangely sweet, so honest, so vulnerable, that it became hard for me to see him as a bad man. I wanted him to change, to turn around, to pull out before it was all too late. And that’s what makes him such a hugely fascinating villain.

Maybe it’s because Vincent D’Onofrio, himself, is autistic, and he intentionally played Fisk as also being on the spectrum. Maybe that rang true to me and I felt that connection and tenderness and love and the overwhelming sensation of a world so vicious that you just want to make it quiet and calm by whatever means necessary. But whatever it was, and however the writers accomplished it, that feeling, that intense emotional level of “please, please don’t, I don’t want to see you go astray like this” stays with me long after that season ended.

(Here is a good article talking about the representation of Fisk and why it can be dicey and unsafe to make villains disabled, but why it worked in this situation and why it matters.)

And, now, RowdyBoy Villains Who Are Pretty Fun But Not All That Deep, Really:

1. Ego, The Living Planet, Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Ugh, what a weirdo! But super funny. Ego’s big fight with Peter is both a combination hilarious, pitiful, weird, and legitimately sad. Ego is such a strange bird and seeing Kurt Russell play this freakazoid was a fun, quirky ride. Ego may have been an ass, but he was at least fun to watch being an ass. Plus, my dad likes his beard. Great job, Ego! I guess?

2. Grandmaster, Thor: Ragnarok. Oh my GOD, I unironically love Grandmaster. Everything about Grandmaster is great. Everything. He’s just such a sore thumb and such a wonderful addition to the MCU. Jeff Goldblum in swishy gold pleather with a melting stick, improvising half his lines and just being like that all the time? God, I love Grandmaster. I’d die for Grandmaster. I want more Grandmaster and I want it NOW. Out of all of these, he’s my actual favorite and someone I actually like. Like, oh my god, he’s just such a perfect character. Praise be to Grandmaster.

3. Loki, Thor: Ragnarok. Sorry, gotta say it, but I hated Loki up until Ragnarok. Every single other iteration of Loki skeeves the hell out of me and is just gross to me. The first time we meet Loki in Avengers, he’s a direct N*zi/F*scist parallel. No way, no how, not a chance am I gonna give that kind of creep a shot. I’m sorry, but no, get away from me. Plus, his enormous fanbase of fangirls cooing over him and woobifying him and making him out to be some sorry angel when he was a greasy genocidal maniac was just revolting.

But then came Ragnarok, and, finally, Marvel got Loki right. Or, well, more aptly, Taika Waititi got Loki right. Thank you, Taika, for redeeming the entire MCU by your damn self.

Loki is a trickster god, not a god of death or violence or war. Loki was, in the original myths, just a tricky person who liked to change their gender/sex, their shape, their dang species, all just to have a romp of a time. Loki wasn’t some N*zi affiliate god of bloodthirst. He was just an asshole who played pranks and got pregnant a lot. You heard me. Read all about it right here. And here. And here, too, for good measure.

So when Ragnarok rolled into theatres and presented us with a funny, human, sympathetic (and likely queer-coded) and genuinely appreciable Loki who just was kind of the epitome of “useless Slytherin; desperate to get their way but shite at getting it sneakily”, I finally learned to like the guy.

I don’t love him, don’t get me wrong, and he’s certainly no one I admire, respect, or am attracted to, but at least now I can stand him. I can appreciate him somewhat. I can see good in him that simply wasn’t present before. 

Plus, he’s just actually funny. Like, Tom Hiddleston has really solid comedic timing and great expressions, and once all that ridiculous melodrama was cast aside from the earlier Thor movies and replaced by an attitude of genuine humor, Loki’s snarky, selfish, stupid-ass side finally got the spotlight and I actually enjoyed watching him do his stuff.

Sorry there aren’t many legit villains on here: again, I tend to despise villains and I don’t see much value in pretending they’re “deep” for being monstrous. Sometimes a bad thing is just bad, and we don’t need to pretend it’s more than that. 

Thank you for asking, and I hope this answers your question, or at least gives you more insight into what I like to consume in my media!

#messages #about k #AKA: I HAVE OPINIONS A LOT #Anonymous

[luckjustkissedyouhello]

No joke, I often wonder what my life would’ve looked like if I wasn’t born in 82. If I wouldn’t be struggling to find a diagnosis at thirty-fucking-eight to explain why my brain, my life is like this.

long post is long

All through elementary school I had 1 friend, the other outcast. This happened in two separate elementary schools in the district. Two separate groups of kids decided there was something ‘wrong’ about me that they didn’t like, and that was that. In my first school, I was put in group therapy (and didn’t even fucking realize it, I was the kind of kid that just went with what they were told - always desperate to please). I don’t remember much about it other than the leader - the school psych split between 4 elm schools who would come in once a year to say ‘hey I’m here if you need me’ - and a kid talking about being hit in the face with a waffle maker (I remember being fascinated by his black eye, it was so black and puffy and it took sooo many meetings to heal properly). That’s all I remember. That’s all the school ‘did’ to help me.

One time my mom was giving me a bath, and she was like ‘why are you covered in bruises?’ (Ironic b/c she was a hitter) and I just said ‘oh the kids on the playground’ like it was normal for me to get my ass beat. She went to the principal. This was probably like 90/91. He had me write an essay about the other things I could do to stay away from the mean kids - I think he’d been told I followed the bullies around. Idk, man. I didn’t get social cues, I thought we were playing, etc. (for the record, my mom did tell me to leave the office and then told the principal she wouldn’t contradict him to me, but she thought that was an awful way to handle me getting bullied - again it was the 90s, I don’t fault my parents much for not realizing something was *seriously* different about me. That’s the point. Autistic was just for nonverbal kids. ADHD was for those so active they couldn’t sit in the classroom. Neuro-typical or Neuro-Divergent were not terms anyone know about. They didn’t discuss or know much about the spectrum of neurodiversity. They sure as fuck didn’t see it in AFAB kids like myself. I was just ‘weird’ and I have the mental scars to prove it (typing about elem school right now? Making me sweaty and nauseated- that’s how I feel when I look back at most of my childhood in school. Actually. My eyes are sweating too)

I struggled academically. When I tell people now that I was in the lowest reading groups from K-6th grade, people are surprised: I’m a librarian. But there is some kind of diagnosed learning disability in me that made it impossible for me to pass a spelling test - and I still fucking can’t - and since school tied writing with reading, they decided I needed the lowest group. They knew something was up because my compression was good but I failed the spelling tests. They tested me for dyslexia in 15 minutes one day in third grade. I sat at a machine, looked in, and pointed my finger in the direction the letters were facing. I remember it clearly. From that test, they were like ‘nope you just slow’ and put me in the remedial reading groups. Now, a large difference between comprehension and spelling would be a flag that would’ve been investigated. I know this because 2 of my sisters kids have dysgraphia. Something that wasn’t tested for in the 90s, or if it was not in a school nurse’s office.

Do you know what my grades looked like, even in college? Cs in most everything but my major classes. Grad school, I got a 3.7 - almost as if, and this is a shocker to you neurodiverse folks, I know, almost as if I could only really excel in the things my brain was interested in...wow. Shock.

I often say you couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. But then I wonder. What if I was a student now. Would they have found out about the probable ADHD/Autisim? (I’m not sure which I am but I do know I’m not neurotypical!) Would I have been given resources to help fit into the world I still clearly struggle with? Would I have so much trouble in my carrier as I have now, because people make assumptions about me being lazy or weird or not ‘right’ and dislike my mannerisms and speak and dissect everything I say? Like, no joke, I forgot how to explain the summer reading club in front of an audience once, and the librarian that went with me told the director I was awful. Shit, would that have happened if I was properly medicated? If I knew how to handle my brain forgetting shit, or how distracted the crowd of kids made me (funny thing, I can do standup just fine if the stage lights blinding me from looking out, but the second I see the crowd I get distracted and start mumbling things at people rather than the prepared jokes).

There are positives. I see *everything* happening in my story time. So i see when I’m losing the kids, I see when a sibling is beating the crap out of another. I see those kids in the audience when I talk about the summer reading club that are harassing another student, etc. I think I keep my library safer because I see every-fucking-thing going on.

But I think I’d do so much better in life if I was helped younger. I know I’d feel better about myself. I’m working through my shit self esteem but the truth is I’ve hated myself for not making it work, for not fitting in, my whole life. And the people that say ‘embrace your differences’ don’t know what it’s like for your stomach to drop out when the teacher says ‘find a partner’ because you know nobody will be yours (once, my teacher called my mom in tears because we were planning for a zoo trip and everyone else had a group, and when she asked who would take me, two groups raised their hands and she said ‘I’ve never seen her face light up like that’ - this was the exception to the norm)

Soooo.. yeah. I’m crying now. I’m not sure why I even wrote all this. This is tumblr. Nobody reads and responds much. I guess that might be why. I just...everyone neurotypical is born with a manual I just never had. And I can’t reconcile that with the idea that if I was born 20/30 years later, maybe I would’ve been at least allowed to glimpse the manual from time to time.

ETA: Talking about being undiagnosed with a learning disability and spell ‘because’ wrong every single time....i didn’t do that on purpose.

#moon life #sorry about the rambling #it’s sad hours here today i guess #neutrodivergent #i didn’t get a manual #I’m old #i need to be tested #tw bullying #tw child abuse

[lilnasxvevo]

I wrote an essay once when it was really late and I was really frustrated

I am not going to send it to my literary journal and I did not even hand it in for the class I wrote it for (the next essay I wrote was passable enough to submit) but I think it is kind of funny so I am going to share it with you

Zoom Zoom

           Draft number four of this FUCKING essay because I can’t FUCKING write. I just through out the last three because they sucked and excuse my language but I’m so frustrated at myself and I typed the wrong homophone in the last sentence and I went back and changed it but then I changed it back so you understand where I’m at right now because I NEVER!! MAKE!! SPELLING MISTAKES!! I was on the editorial staff of my high school newspaper for two years and that shit was flawless! I was editor in chief and that shit was free of god damn error! I do not make! Spelling mistakes!

           I’m so frustrated because part of me just wants to write about a motherfucking TV show and the rest of me is like, “No, Thomas, that’s so fucking stupid, write about something that’s serious, something people can take seriously, something people can respect, but NOT something boring” and I’m like OK!! WELL!! THAT’S A TALL ORDER YOU’VE GIVEN YOURSELF TOMMY BOY!!

           I’ve been trying to copy the style of the essays we’ve been reading in the last three drafts I just started and abandoned. I wrote…lets see…(I will be keeping all future grammar and spelling errors that I make) over 1300 words that way so far today. Fuck it!! I am going to be writing like ME and what I write like is a protagonist from a really sub-par young adult novel. I read a lot of those! But I was already like that before I read all those books. Actually most of the ones I read are pretty great. Holly Black, David Levithan, uh those Girl, 15, Charming but Insane books I forget who writes them but if I look it up I have to stop my timer and that is just not happening—check em out, they’re great. Oh, Eoin Colfer, too. I have his autograph! I actually also have David’s.

           I made a list of all the things I could write this essay about. I didn’t want to write about being queer again because I don’t want you people to pigeonhole me. There’s like 50 items on that list. I’ll spare you. The list sucks. I texted my best friend “What should I write this essay about” and she said “Roman Catholicism” and I was like “Maybe” and she was like “Vampires” and I was like “LMFAO you will never believe what I wrote last time spoiler it was vampires.”

           I have ADHD. Sometimes this surprises people! Sometimes it does not! Usually it doesn’t surprise other people who have ADHD because we go based on our lived experiences instead of stereotypes unlike SOME people. I was diagnosed when I was 17 which is super super late but they literally, and you can look this up, base most criteria off of the symptoms of little white cisgender boys, who are usually hyperactive, and I was inattentive type. My third grade teacher used to slap my desk with a ruler when I spaced out. She never brought up my attention issues to anyone else. I hated her. I still hate her. Curse you, Cathy Sellers!!

           I have chilled out on the caps lock because maybe that was kind of a gimmick. Ok. Well. The ADHD. I actually don’t remember why I brought up ADHD, which is classic ADHD. Oh. I think it was to say that maybe you will be surprised that the inside of my head is this giant mess. Not to be all “welcome to my twisted mind” or that edgy shit. Maybe I’m trying to make an embarrassing essay on purpose. The point is some people think I’m very composed and stuff and the inside of my head has never once been composed. Well, maybe a few times. I miss standardized testing because they don’t really matter and they were fun to focus on and it was fun to fill the bubbles in and they made me feel smart. I am smart. I promise I’m smart. Sometimes people think I’m dumb because I’m a trans man which I don’t understand but I promise I’m smart.

           I just slapped my face to try to get myself to wake up a little bit. I am wiped. That cold that’s been going around is kicking my ass, though not as bad as it’s kicking the ass of other students in this class who I have maybe potentially had to drive to the pharmacy this week.

           I am so obsessed with this show on BBC America right now called Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. In ADHD circles this is sometimes called a hyperfixation—it’s kind of like the special interests autistic people have, surprise surprise ADHD and autism are both developmental disorders and they have a lot in common. Dirk Gently is all I can think about. It’s a really great show and I loved it last season because it has the actor Samuel Barnett as the lead actor and I swore my fealty to him in like 2014 and then he got a lead on a TV show which is crazy because he never gets big roles like that so I was like NICE!!! Yeah, so last season was sci-fi, and the show is really great and it has this big diverse cast and all the characters are really interesting and the show never leans on stereotype instead of fleshing out a character as a unique person and there were electric crossbows last season that were designed by that Adam Savage dude from Mythbusters. So but this season, THIS SEASON, is SO good because apparently the show is planning on “switching genres” every season but with the same main cast so now they’ve been running around trying to find each other after everyone got separated at the end of last season (spoiler) and now they’re all in Montana and instead of sci-fi it’s FANTASY which is my FAVORITE. There’s another dimension that’s this great high-fantasy nation called Wendimoor and there’s a door between the valley of Inglenook and this one town in Montana for reasons that I refuse to explain, just watch the show. Ok and in Inglenook, there’s—it’s kind of sketchy how it works but there’s this guy named Panto Trost who has pink hair (his whole family has pink hair and it’s unclear if it’s genetic or if they dye it as a tribal marker or something, and when I first saw it I was like, HOLY SHIT, WHY DID I NEVER THINK OF THAT), and he’s the prince of Inglenook, and there’s this guy named Silas Dengdamor, who’s some kind of minor prince in Inglenook somehow, and THEY. ARE. A GAY INTERRACIAL HIGH FANTASY COUPLE. THEY ARE IN LOVE.

           And the guy who plays Silas, Lee Majdoub, he’s really active on Twitter and Tumblr, which is crazy because almost no one is active on Tumblr under their real name and it’s mostly just depressed young adults like me, but Lee fields questions about the show all the time and talks about how it was an honor to play a gay prince and he has so much love for Silas and he put so much work into this character which you can tell because he has an answer ready for everything. Has he ridden that train we saw? Is he gay or bi or what? What are his hobbies? If he lived in our world what would his favorite movie be? His five favorite songs? Does he agree with his family’s stance on the feud? (Oh my god I forgot to MENTION that the Trosts and the Dengdamors are TWO FAMILIES AT WAR, which makes Silas and Panto basically gay Romeo and Juliet, but hopefully they won’t die but Dirk Gently is a “don’t get attached” kind of show.)

           And did I mention he’s respectful??? My favorite answer he’s ever given is when someone asked him what it was like to kiss Chris Russell (the other actor), which is a question every fucking presumed-straight actor gets when they play a gay role, and since there is a 4 inch height difference between them, Lee answered something like, “It was a little weird because Chris is very tall, so I felt a little like Natalie Portman in Thor. Natalie Portman and I both have dark hair so we’re practically twins.” Also he is very handsome. It is important that Lee Majdoub is very handsome. Okay, it’s important to me.

           Wow, glad I got that off my chest. It’s kind of all I ever want to talk about. Two weeks ago, before I could do my actual writing assignment for the day, I had to freewrite about Kevin Spacey for like AN HOUR. What I wrote ended up being kind of unusable for this class thus far, I just haven’t been pleased enough with the way it handled a very sensitive topic to hand it in, but it was about Kevin Spacey and Jeffrey Dahmer and OUT magazine and news media and Anthony Rapp and me.

           I wanted to write about a historical figure for this paper but all the ones I could think of that I have a strong connection to were gay. While I was typing that sentence, I thought of Dorothy Parker. Well, shit. Another day, then.

           This paper is what we call a RISK!!! pleasedontfailme

           Here are some excerpts from the other three papers I tried to write today:

·         Sometimes I sing and dance in front of them. Sometimes I scream. One time, I stood on a desk.

·         The last time I told her I was proud of her I could only do it because she had consumed an obscene amount of wine and called me to talk about one of Shakespeare’s history plays

·         I am afraid that I am a husk a husk a HUSK a husK a husk a husk a husk of Corn-ell because

I promise these essays were not good. These were the only good parts. I wanted to include them because I wanted you to understand that I covered a lot of fucking ground before settling on whatever the fuck this is. I am sorry if you feel you would rather be reading one of those other essays, but I did not want to write them.

           I just scrolled back up to the top because I remembered abruptly that this essay doesn’t have a name. It’s called Zoom Zoom now. When my sister is bored while she drives, she says, “Zoom zoom! We’re zooming!” She is 24 and has a master’s degree. This particular catchphrase of hers always comes to mind when I try to describe how my brain works—childish, too fast, bored. Her boyfriend says “Brroom brroom” when he drives. I think he picked it up from her. He calls me Thomathy. Because Thomas can be Tom for short and Tom is like Tim and Tim is short for Timothy. Get it? He says “Thomathy” sounds like a disease. I think he likes me anyway. Even though one time during a heated game of Monopoly I told him I would eat chips at his funeral.

           I have three cats. One is ten years old, the other two are one. I have a rabbit. He’s a jerk. That’s all you need to know about me. Oh, I’m from Wisconsin. My favorite color is orange.

           Yeah so thanks for coming to my TED talk. Please buy a t-shirt on my way out, they’re $20. I know TED talks don’t usually have t-shirts but I want your money. Yes. Now scram.

  Are they gone?

Jesus, I’m so fucking tired.

[chxrimoya]

ok i guess i’ll finally get around to typing this whole journal post i meant to for the past damn week lmao.

so it’s tuesday night and i’ve ditched class last wed, this past mon and figure drawing today. i just ain’t up for it. for some reason my sleep quality is so poor, even with a full night’s sleep, i can’t stop myself from napping for 3-4 hours. it’s getting in the way of me doing stuff honestly? i get home and want to clean up my room, play some persona, or draw or SOMETHING but sleep is obviously a priority. it sucks but i gotta do it, lacking sleep just makes it so much easier for me to get into a depressive episode. maybe it’s the irregularity of my sleep? for a long time i didn’t sleep past 2am but i slept at like 4am couple of times in the last two weeks or so.  

this past week or two i’ve slowly progressed from one thing bothering me to another and now i can’t even place my discontent. general malaise, as i’ve been telling other people. hopefully writing this helps me find some fkn way to articulate myself? lmao. honestly i don’t know why, talking to other people helps me cope but hasn’t helped me confront the feelings. they’re still there, bothering me, and i would like them to go away? but they won’t anytime soon i’m sure. and i, as usual, am invalidating myself and how i feel so megakek

so i’ll talk to my journal like i’m talking to someone. 

so recently, i introduced my friend, let’s call her Nu, to my regular group of friends who i usually play games with. i invited her to a bbq at J’s house, and it’s all good and stuff, day passes. I tell her before anything, these lot of men aren’t good at all as dating options but i wouldn’t judge her otherwise, because you can’t rly help who you pick. the only two dudes that day available were J and H and both are kinda shitty, but H is way more shitty than J is; J just got his issues to work out. but fast forward, H messages me about wanting to pursue Nu, and was convinced on trying to be a better person, bc one night on discord we were talking about art and things in general, and i just flat out said i don’t think he’s a good person and he has a lot to work on? so after he says to me on FB, hey thanks i needed someone to say that to me and seemed genuine, so my kind ass heart is like ok sure i’ll help you. he asks me genuinely if it’s ok for him to ask me for help so i say yeah, ofc. he realizes hes being selfish pursing this girl because he’s never had a gf, and that J was also interested but he values himself over J. this was mean of me, but i said frankly to H that i agreed, J is in no place to have a relationship because his life is a fucking mess at home; no school, no work, car’s not passing smog and his dad and mom are still shitty as always (his dad can die for all i care). later tho J agreed with me bc i brought it up with him. anyway, couple days later me and H talk and this guy, he’s probably the shittiest offender i know, because he says autistic, retarded, faggot, gook, all in jest and i HATE him for it. i’m not gonna pick a fight because his dumb conservative ass can choke now, for all i care. i have depression and triggers that send me into episodes, so he keeps using “triggered” all casually and it bothers me. it’s disrespectful. so i ask him if he could avoid using it around me, and i see the typing bubbles for like 4 minutes and this guy is typing an essay about how i’m wrong. deletes it, sends “Lol alright” but goes onto his stupid shpiel anyway even though i wanted to drop it. accuses me of “artificially killing the word” even though i just THINK it’s disrespectful, talking to me in a know-it-all fashion because fucking men always do this. so i remember, this entire time, why i didn’t like him, so i decide this bitch is on his fucking own. but me, being the soft-hearted individual i am, didn’t get mad till couple days later and indignant about the whole ordeal. before my anger, Nu and H and me went to eat and shop a little so fucc everything seemed fine and dandy!! and even now i still help this disrespectful child because i care for Nu, even though I don’t know her well enough to be super comfortable with her. I’m naturally an open person, but the comfort i’m talking about comes with time and i just haven’t known her that long. but Nu, she’s had a bad history that ended only recently, and i honestly would kill for her bc she deserves to be happy. not being pushed around by men who vy for her attention? she deserves someone who cares and validates her, but can still set her straight bc she’s a stubborn girl. the men in her life haven’t been good to her, and she hardly had friends before i met her at work? so i want to be someone she can rely on and talk to but i don’t want her withdrawing into the comfort of a man that can’t even comfort and face his own issues without his toxic pride getting in the way. because that what H is to me. 

he calls me saturday before mothers day, 9amish and tells me he accidentally stood Nu up. he obviously feels guilty. but maybe he’s only guilty because he’ll lose his chance with this girl if he fucks up. i’m tired, i comfort him telling him it’s not his fault, because apparently he overslept his alarm and didn’t wake up until Nu called him. Nu also told me that she had been waiting for an hour for him, showed up 30 minutes early to look nice and surprise him, but when she called 30 minutes after the meetup time, she just wanted to go home. she had limited time that day so she wanted to do breakfast at 8. he wants to make it up to her with a gift, but she doesn’t want a gift, so i tell him to draw something for her bc it’s more sentimental. after the call i talk to Nu about it and she seems pretty upset actually, and after everything, she just tells me she feels “jaded” but she’ll get over it.

i don’t approve. i really don’t. i hate this guy but i can’t really be consumed to even be marginally mean to him because Nu is interested, but even she acknowledges maybe she’s been starved of proper affection that she’s just reveling in it. if this guy can’t be bothered to do me a favor, when im trying to be his wingman and get him on good footing with this girl, i’ll fucking light the bridge on fire. but it’s not my choice to make, Nu’s happiness is what matters more. but it exhausts me? i’ve been there, done that with toxic guys and it’s so exhausting. i have issues i still carry and struggle with to this day because i was manipulated and did manipulate other people, for the sake of a guy. and it’s really not worth it. as i talked to her, the friday before, we hung out and spent a whole day with each other... she has a lot of baggage. stuff she doesn’t wanna bring into a relationship. and we shared a lot of similarities with the people we’ve dealt with. i tell her, friends are here to help you carry that baggage. she doesn’t have to carry it on her own. relationships should be always mutually beneficial to both parties. why invest yourself in something you’ll never get shit out of? you end up empty and pining, and anything will satisfy you. it’s not a good cycle to enter. ive been there!! and fuck man, im still recovering. my value is in myself, not in others. and i love to help people because... simply i wish people would have helped me when i needed it. so i help others because they need it. but i wont help people at the expense of myself, at the expense of people i care about. 

but also, i just... dunno if i feel right, being some sort of arbiter for their relationship. i don’t feel like i should have this power to judge, i keep telling myself i don’t know either of them that well so i really shouldn’t be doing the things that i’m doing now? like who am i to get in the way of their happiness, judge that someone isn’t good, and say yes or no to them entering a relationship? for all i know, it could turn out well. i doubt it, because H has never had a gf and i feel his selfishness extends beyond ignoring J, and more of “finally i can get a gf and not be lonely anymore” bc i want someone to value Nu for who she is. 

maybe i’ll write more when i get to to it but this is way too long already lolol

#yu.txt