#i do that too only i really like tagging stuff bc ill often wanna go back to something later so i always check ops blog to see who tf it is

[sodrippy]

so funny to me whenever people rb kpop men from me and tag it some version of ‘#idk this guy but-’ king you DO know this guy bc i tagged his name, you CAN know this guy i promise its okay, just say hello dude its fine<3

#hello cherished mewchuals if youve done this MWAH i love u so much grdfhcnx #its just like genuinely funny in a fond way to see is all but i totally get the sentiment #i do that too only i really like tagging stuff bc ill often wanna go back to something later so i always check ops blog to see who tf it is #me in the tags like 'idk who the fuck you are bro but-' '[the mans name]' #all the kpop men on my blog: come closer i am just a regular guy in clothes you want

[mostlymaudlin]

writer tag game wooooo

thanks @palimpsessed and @captain-aralias for the tags!!

a few tags.. @urban-sith @snowybank @tea-brigade @seducing-a-vampire @xivz @facewithoutheart @unseelieseelie @motherscarf @stillmadaboutpetra but as always i love reading these so lie and say i tagged u if u wanna do it!!

How many works do you have on AO3? 17, 15 of which are for simon snow series What’s your total AO3 word count? 97,953 How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? ive published for three! simon snow, check please, and one direction. ive also written some steve/bucky that never went anywhere. What are your top five fics by kudos? In black ink my love may still shine bright Want to mark you up (e-rated part two to "In black ink.."!) Nothing Equals the Splendor a bully and a snob and a complete arsehole Light Me Up

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to but if too many come in at a time i get overwhelmed haha. that's only happened a few times tho, toward the end of my multi-chap when people were subscribed and ready. i love replying to comments bc i write a lot more than i post — if something makes it to ao3, that means i really like the story! and if people want to talk to me about it, that's like.. the best thing ever.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

i was gonna be like "oh i always give them a happy ending" but then ao3 told me — that's not true! Yellow was a lil deleted scene thing i did abt simon buying his yellow breakup stationery, so obviously the ending is big owie. and my humdrum fic, Hunger of the Shadow... i mean its a humdrum fic lol. idk which is angstier, its different types i guess.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

i got a comment that bothered me once that was like sort of judgmental abt a bit of my plot, and they were like "you should have done __ instead." and i was like ummmmmm... but not HATE i suppose.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i wrote smut on my own once (Want to mark you up). i mostly wrote this one to capitalize on the horny momentum of In black ink my love may still shine bright, in which simon and baz go out to a bar, etc. also i wanted to make a joke about lamb hahahah.

then i did a few smut pieces with some pals via Frantic Fanfic. One of them, A for Effort, is actually technically my second most-kudos-ed fic, but it didn't feel right to claim it because Kay (xivz) did the heavy lifting on that one!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Just the Frantic Fanfic stuff!

What’s your all time favorite ship?

i wanna say snowbaz because im elbow-deep in it right now, but i don't know! i've definitely written most for snowbaz, but i think that's just because i'm more confident of a writer now than i was in my other fandoms. i think ill always be a slut for a certain 1d ship that really embarrasses me but i like..... can't get over it lmfao. also steve/bucky comes back to haunt me quite often

What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

i have a lot of wips that im determined to do, but it might be a while. i have one wip that is heavily rooted in a new england summer setting that i recently moved to my Graveyard folder on google drive because i was like... i don't think i can write this as well now that summer's over. the first sentence in that doc (which is entirely scrambled outline) is "this fic should smell like sunscreen." i will probably revisit next summer if im still around because im super invested in it. it's a childhood friends>rivals>friends>lovers with copious new englandisms, ghost hunting, simpard, explorations of guilt that are like super catholic (again: hello new england), queer identity stuff. i think shepard is a trans dude in that one too which was fun. idk!! this answer got long. it makes me more certain i will return to it lol.

What are your writing strengths?

hmmm probably like - earnest descriptions of emotion? like, if the character is going through something, im going to take you through allll the stages. i personally think im funny, which is what matters to me as my own reader lmfao. and i think i like to break them out of the usual settings and plotlines! i really like setting as a literary tool, thinking abt the obstacles that come wherever your characters are. im in the ideas stage of a road trip fic and i think that's going to be a really good way for me to flex there.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes dialogue, sometimes not. Elaborate plots that can't be tied to character development. I've said this before, but I find my writing to be quite plain in terms of syntax/word choice/etc... this is usually fine but sometimes my writing can get very like "action, thought, action, though, action, dialogue." idk. i dont know that i have a word for this, am open to suggestions.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic?

i can only write in english!

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

one direction lol

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

pshhhhh....... i like really love everything ive published for the simon snow series so idk. im most emotionally invested in my multichap, Nothing Equals the Splendor. But also i had the most fun writing both Jump Up, Chosen One! (where they get stuck in a mario game lmfao) and Light Me Up (my stoner fic). theyre all my favorites for different reasons lmfao.

if you read this whole thing i love u. i put the read more cut in at the top and then i was like 'i can wax on as long as i want now" hahaha. i love talking abt writing and idc if it makes me self-absorbed i love my fics 😂

#my writing

[sqwood-tentl]

15 question game

@srirachafilledbees ty i love these

nickname: anoosoo, a knee sa, patrick

zodiac: aquarious 

height: gnome (4′11)

last thing I googled: "parse int char java”  for comp sci hw 

song stuck in my head: Kocci Muite Baby - Ryo/ Supercell/ Miku

number of followers: 285? fairly certain 98% of them are bots lol

hours of sleep: idrg what this is asking. on avg i probably sleep abt 6 hrs. But ive noticed if i dont have an alarm i will sleep p much until the clock is the same number lol. example: when i go to bed at 2 am i wake up at 2 pm, if i go to bed at 4 am ill probably wake up abt 3:30pm. and then i get tired all day it sucks >:0

lucky number: 2 bc my birthday is 2/2/2002 

favorite song: too many/changes too often. Rn its probably Kocci Muite Baby or Stuff That I Like - Bomb the Music Industry  

favorite instrument: i play flute so ofc that is my #1 (for rn). But i also love the sound of violin and other bowed strings. And i rlly like deeeeep sounding things where u can almost feel it, so also bass and cello. And drums are in a category of their own. listening to drums isnt even like listening to music its an experience. i wanna learn how to play drums.

dream job:  i have many interests, and hobbies, and interests i want to turn into hobbies but am too broke for. I feel like if i became skilled enough in any one of them to make a living from it, while also being able to maintain a good work-life-balance, id be cool w that. The bar is set so low but somehow still seems impossible. fuck capitalism.

aesthetic:   i was very into the ocean/nautical aesthetic until abt 2015, then i was SUPER into forest/cottage in the woods aesthetic (and still am), i guess today would fall under “cottage core” but i have some arguments about that. [I could probably write an entire essay on this but this is the extremely cut down version: From what i perceive from the main apps i use, instagram, youtube and tiktok, it seems like there was a huge rise in popularity in cottage core aesthetic starting about Dec 2019. My main problem is, my own definition of what cottage core matched with what i saw online up until this big boom of cottagecore, and now it seems like what i think is *not* cottagecore is being called cottage core. But with something as conceptual and subjective as an aesthetic, it is really defined person to person, based on everyones own opinions and experiences and way of categorizing things. Plus language is defined by its speakers, so technically, the general definition of cottage core will always be whatever the majority of people define it as, at the time of definition. What i think happened is, when it got really popular, the range of what “fits” into cottage core widened alot, so while my aesthetic still falls under cottage core, it may fit better in a subcategory (a recent necessity) or entirely differently named aesthetic. Either that, or it was never cottagecore in the first place. again this is based on the content i see from the couple apps i primarily use, which is really only a sliver of all the cottagecore content there is]. My other aesthetic is dirty feral subway rat eating pizza under an incoming train and chainlink fence at 5pm in october No i will not elaborate.

favorite author: i cannot remember the last time i read a book that didnt eventually cause me too much stress to remember anything positive about it or the author

favorite animal noise: my husky when he go OOWWWWRRROOOOOOOO

random: I have synesthesia and alot of ppl with synesthesia say its helpful but i think mine hurts more than it helps lol. also, unrelated, i used to want to be a sniper. 

(idk who to tag. anyone can do it but if u do, tag me in it i like reading these :)

[rouge-the-bat]

OOPS I HAD STARTED THIS THEN SAVED AS A DRAFT TO FINISH LATER BUT THEN FORGOT SO ITS. BEEN A BIT SINCE I WAS ACTUALLY TAGGED FOR THIS LMAO

ANYWAYS i was tagged by @skayforrest :'33

Rules: Please make your own text post when answering these to avoid long posts. Highlight/bold what applies to you!

for me to make it easier for me to read im going for:

bold: definitely me :3

italics: kinda me!

strikethrough: not me at All

(subscript parenthesis): my comments! (bc im very rambly lol)

also changing // between different phrases to ♡♡ to make it easier for me to distinguish between phrases too owo

♡  Appearance ♡

I am over 5’5 ♡♡ I wear glasses/contacts ♡♡ I have blonde hair ♡♡ I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing ♡♡ I have one or more piercings (my ears!) ♡♡ I have at least one tattoo (i want to get one of a drawing ive made soon tho!) ♡♡ I have blue eyes ♡♡ I have dyed or highlighted my hair (its p much back to normal now tho- and i want to dye it pink someday) ♡♡ I have gotten plastic surgery ♡♡ I have or had braces ♡♡ I sunburn easily ♡♡ I have freckles ♡♡ I paint my nails (not super often but i have fun doing it occasionally owo!) ♡♡ I typically wear makeup (i rarely do and usually its just lispstick, with maybe eyshadow and/or eyeliner) ♡♡ I don’t often smile (i can be really smiley sometimes but i dont interact with others much (esp irl) so i tend to not emote a whole lot) ♡♡ I am pleased with how I look (im cute round n chubby!!) ♡♡ I prefer nike to adidas (i literally dont care) ♡♡ I wear baseball caps backwards

♡ Hobbies & Interests ♡

I play a sport (i play... wii sports and real life bowling sometimes at most :'3) ♡♡ I can play an instrument (its been a really long time but i learned clarinet from school band) ♡♡ I am artistic ♡♡ I know more than one language (id like to learn some tho, like japanese, french, and/or korean maybe?) ♡♡ I have won a trophy in some sort of competition (never a Literal trophy :O) ♡♡ I can cook or bake without a recipe ♡♡ I know how to swim ♡♡ I enjoy writing (i like to but school has made me anxious anytime i try now ;w;) ♡♡ I can do origami ♡♡ I prefer movies to tv shows ♡♡ I can execute a perfect somersault ♡♡ I enjoy singing (exclusively for singing along, i dont really ever sing on my own lol) ♡♡ I could survive in the wild on my own ♡♡ I have read a new book series this year ♡♡ I enjoy spending time with my friends (who wouldnt!! esp with my friends, theyre amazing :'3) ♡♡ I travel during school or work breaks (id like to travel more..) ♡♡ I can do a handstand

♡ Relationships ♡

I am in a relationship (my girlfriend is so wonderful 🥰) ♡♡ I have been single for over a year (been dating my gf for almost 2 full years now!) ♡♡ I have a crush (fictional crushes count right? bc i have a million of those lol) ♡♡ I have a best friend I have known for ten years ♡♡ My parents are together ♡♡ I have hooked up with my best friend (thats meaning sexual right? bc im sex repulsed and so is my gf whos my best friend so, absolutely not lol) ♡♡ I am adopted ♡♡ My crush has confessed to me (im p much always the first to confess lol) ♡♡ I have had a long-distance relationship (hopefully someday tho it wont be long distance :'3) ♡♡ I am an only child (dear god no i have. 1 full brother, 3 half brothers, 1 half sister, and 2 or 3 step brothers gjkxjfk) ♡♡ I give advice to my friends (im not the best with advice but i try when i can!!) ♡♡ I have made an online friend (all of my current friends are online!) ♡♡ I met up with someone I have met online (GOD I WISH)

♡ Aesthetics ♡

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell ♡♡ I have watched the sunrise (many times, after being awake all night bc im p mych nocturnal lol) ♡♡ I enjoy rainy days (god i love rain so much) ♡♡ I have slept under the stars (iirc im p sure ive slept in a tent for going camping before ??? but my memory sucks so im not sure if that happened or i just always wanted to gjkdjg) ♡♡ I meditate outside (maybe i should try that sometime..) ♡♡ The sound of chirping calms me ♡♡ I enjoy the smell of the beach (ive been to a beach just a couple times.. i dont remember what it smelled like) ♡♡ I know what snow tastes like (i eat snow EVERY time it snows here, esp to make snow cream) ♡♡ I listen to music to fall asleep (on occasion! always instrumental stuff, sometimes meant for relaxing or sometimes just a comfort song from a game i love) ♡♡ I enjoy thunderstorms ♡♡ I enjoy cloud watching ♡♡ I have attended a bonfire ♡♡ I pay close attention to colors (ofc ! i love colors and graphic design is my passion- but like Actually, im not quoting the meme lol) ♡♡ I find mystery in the ocean ♡♡ I enjoy hiking on nature paths (would REALLY need to be in the mood for it) ♡♡ Autumn is my favourite season (close ! i love the chilly air and aesthetic of autumn as well, but winter is my ultimate comfort season <3)

♡ Miscellaneous ♡

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles ♡♡ I am the mom friend (mom friend mode can activate on Occasion, but usually im silly bastard friend) ♡♡ I am involved in extracurricular activities (im not in school) ♡♡ I enjoy mexican food ♡♡ I can drive a stick-shift (i still havent learned how to drive yet owo;;) ♡♡ I believe in true love (probably not in a typical sense?) ♡♡ I make up scenarios to fall asleep (oh no, i make up scenarios constantly in my head throughout the day, i get way too invested in them so they usually keep me up if i think about them when trying to sleep) ♡♡ I sing in the shower ♡♡ I wish I lived in a superhero movie (i def wanna live in some fictional worlds, but superhero movies arent things im usually into) ♡♡ I have a canopy above my bed ♡♡ I am multiracial (im not super familiar with my ancestry rn, so idk. would like to know sometime tho) ♡♡ I am a redhead ♡♡ I own at least 3 dogs/cats (rn i have 2 dogs and 3 cats!)

and uhhh ill tag @spiiderbiites @miphelda @kipokin @queerplyke @ameila if yall wanna do it :3? (if yalld like i can go thru n supply a version of this without all of my font edits and comments!) AH WHOOPS I GOT A URL MESSED UP BUT XENOLEAF U CAN DO TOO IF U WANT

#starry asks #uh not exactly an ask but ill use that tag for tag games like this #ive been tagged in a few of these kinda posts so im trying to catch up rn !!

[irl-dogboy]

ok gonna. vent and stuff under the cut. im very sorry ive been doing these vent posts so often recently i have just not been having a good time u_u lmk if u read through and need anything tagged. i might make a whole new tag for ppl to block bc ngl i dont think anybody wants to read these lol

iiiiiiiiiiiiiii grew up too fast and i wish that the adults in my life were responsible!!!! yup thats what today’s problem is!!!!!!

i hate that i have to play parent to my parents and aunts and uncles when they get drunk. and ill admit that they dont get drunk often!!! but. when they do its so annoying. and i feel like a dick for saying that (which is a whole other problem) but i can hear uncle harassing my fucking dog right now, shes trying to sleep bcause today has been really stressful for her. but shes being woken up by his annoying aggressive dog and his yelling and annoying shit. and i want to go get my dog and bring her in and make sure shes ok but i cant because im literally terrified of him.

but like i know that my parents have been irresponsible fucks since the very fucking beginning!!!!! i was watching family guy at age 4!!!!!! i was allowed to do whatever the fuck i wanted online when i was like 8!!!!!!!! EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!!!! I MADE A DEVIANTART ACCOUNT IN 2012!!!!! I WAS FUCKING EIGHT OR NINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY DIDNT CARE!!!!!!!!! i dont do it anymore but i used to do nsfw roleplays when i was 11 fucking years old!!!!! i found pony porn when i was 10!!!!!! they did not fucking care!!! not once did they check, or ask me about what i was doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they dont know to this day!!!!! and i dont know if i can call that any kind of traumatic but its certainly given me a shit ton of problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive been being the bigger person, the responsible one, since i was 11 years old. im so fucking sick of it. its not like hurried child syndrome, but. i just. hello????? and ive been brainwashed or something to feel bad for thinking that theyre assholes!!! its never their fault, its always “you know we’re shit parents” LIKE SELF AWARENESS FIXES ANYTHING!!!!! good job buddy you acknowledged something ive known for 5 or 6 years. gonna do anything to change? no? rad!!! and its like??? i cant even complain to them because theyve done good things too!!! i have a nintendo switch. i have a 3ds. i have a laptop, and a tablet, and a little portable speaker, so theyve made me think that im spoiled for wanting an ounce of responsibility!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

and the thing that gets me the most, more than anything that theyve ever done to me, is my parents have been putting off taking my dog to the vet. which is fucking insane. because she has a giant fucking tumor and its getting worse and shes acting different and shes old and i want her to live as long and as happily as possible but she cant even curl up into a lil donut to sleep because of the tumor she has. and it just makes me so fucking MAD because ive been begging them to take her to the vet for months in case its something bad and we dont wanna be too late to save her they just keep!!!! putting it off!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its like? am i the only one that fucking cares about her???? im the only one that feeds her and fills up her water and checks on her when shes stressed and i want her to be okay because shes basically the only thing im fucking living for and i want her to be ok. so. fucking. badly

and like. obviously this is some real intense wishful thinking but i wish that like a teacher or a distant relative would appear and just. take me away. idk. i just wish my parents werent my parents and my family wasnt my family LOL

#if u need anything tagged lmk #christmas brings up a lot of shitty memories for me #if u cant tell #lol #i started crying writing about my dog #i started crying just THINKING about my dog #oh well #goatmanetc

[getallemeralds]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

[loriinae]

post got a little lengthy so im putting a cut! nothing serious just talking abt things i wanna do

im out of school for the semester on dec 7, and ive got a little over a month off. i really wanna make more art! i want to do some traditional stuff and i want to actually finish some projects and maybe take a few commissions...

i guess im inspired by one of my coworkers, she does pet portraits (acrylic paint on small ish canvasses) .. idk how she does it with work and school, but tbf one portrait only takes her an hour or two. shes taken art classes, so its unrealistic for me to think i could work at her pace... but i wish i could

i also have a couple cosplays i wanna do for ala in january, i have a lot of my materials already... actually for all art-related things ive gotten a lot of materials that i havent used/started on yet x_x some of my projects have been "in the works" for... mm.. 5 years (i have all the things to make satyr legs, started collecting materials in high school and never started to actually make em)

another thing i gotta do is organize my room and set up the spare room to be like a workshop area. i havent cleaned my room in forever and i really need to. theres just piles of trash in there honestly. it also makes it feel cramped and stuffy, and its hard to get around some furniture. not good for the psyche. the spare room is my sisters old room turned guest room turned hopefully workshop room. theres good natural lighting (unlike mine lol) and a lot of space. i think itd be good to try and confine my hobbies to that room, cus usually when i work on projects i take over the living room/kitchen lol

and i want to pick up the oboe again, im really afraid that ive forgotten how to play cus its been like 3 yrs. i really do like to play instruments but.... im really bad abt actually doing it. its kind of like school, i like reading and learning new things,but i have terrible self discipline so i rarely do it unless someones making me. (ie, class times/appointments)

theres also online stuff.. i wanna clean up my blog and rewrite some pages and go through and tag/untag things (if youve been following me you can probably tell im very meticulous w tagging. everythings gotta be filed in some category . i tag some content warning stuff but...its mostly for me.) i have side blogs that are sitting around that i wanna set up, or i wanna revamp other side blogs that ive been starting to use again. or i need to update the info. im on mobile most of the time, so im thinking when i get a new laptop ill be on there more often.

thats another thing too... getting a new laptop i need to transfer all my info and set up and install and make sure things are compatible ... its gonna be a whole ordeal bc i dont have anything backed up on my computer /: i also gotta find new install links for winrar and painttool sai, otherwise ill have to find new programs. then i have to buy a new tablet cus mines 8 yrs old and really worn out and kind of falling apart

ooohhhjghghgh... so many things to do and not enough time. i still have work! and school planning (even if im not in classes)! and theres stuff i gotta figure out sooner than later - health things and also getting my goddamn drivers license . i wanna get that before i go back to norcal at the very latest.

theres also. things happening this/next week. since the semesters ending, i have one more test (online, due tonight at midnight) and a couple writing assignments, then for finals i have 2 tests and 3 papers (3 pg, 6 pg, and 7pg) to write. SO!! i gotta work on those!! starting tomorrow if you catch me on here bust my ass! i get easily distracted and id greatly appreciate ur help by keeping me accountable

if you have me on discord/messenger/snapchat even lol (or dont yet but do want my contact info, pm me) i would love if you keep me accountable, make sure im Working... cus god knows. i WILL get distracted. doesnt help that i bought a switch aghgjgnfkhnjfjfg. so. i would really appreciate it 💗

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 06

Ummmm stuff I’ve ignored and let build up ;-; MM hairlines, a pic of me, default replacement hairs, donation stuff, using my hair conversion meshes, a male hair wip, recolor requests, and other stuff UwU

Anonymous said: face reveal?        

lmao this is from October but I never take pics of myself besides snapchat so UwU

@wildfire607​ said: I love your content for the game! I have my notifications on for you. Much love from Texas. ♥️

omggg thank you!!!! literally I don’t feel like people would have notifications on for me ;n; again, thank you so much <3

@standardheld said: Hey there! I know you don’t take requests so take it as an idea. Maybe you’ll like it. Otherwise, please don’t feel forced to do anything! So here’s the idea: I haven’t fount an adult’s version of you YeoJin hairs with big pigtails. Remember Cassandra Goth from The Sims 2? It think it would look beautiful and I know you’ve got the necessary talent. If you like the idea, please let me know :)        

Hello!!! Lmao I am kinda swamped rn to start ‘new’ things BUTBUTBUT I don’t mind if somebody uses my conversion meshes like YeoJin Hair since all it is is a conversion. So if u wanna do it or wanna ask some other people, feel free!! <3   

@pxelsquid​ said: The WIP hair in your play list post is so beautiful! I can’t wait for it!

Thanks! Planning to get it out in the next week or so

Anonymous said: What do you use donations for?

(answer in bold) lmao I actually don’t get many, at least not enough for them to go towards anything. But I do get a few dollars every couple of months (and that still makes me super happy to see ty to anyone who has donated ever UwU) lmao so I don’t really know what the donations go towards though I guess packs?? which rn I prob wouldn’t buy a pack w/donation money bc irl stufffff but I would think donations on a sims account should go to more sims stuff if you don’t need to money for personal life situations :)

Anonymous said: Hello! Would you ever consider some of your hairs for male sims?

You should be able to disable to masculine filter and see them?? If not go in S4S and edit the tags to let it be seen

Anonymous said: about your last hair: NOPE. 

all night all night all niiiiiiiight ✨

Anonymous said: I’m so happy you made the Jennie Hair without headband! I really like it so far. Good job!

Yay!! I’m glad you like it. Thank you so much <3

Anonymous said: When will you be releasing the braids on your post /post/168877609911/ ?

Yeah!! They’ve been done a while, hopefully they should get posted soon. Here is a link if u want early accessssssssssssss UwU

Anonymous said: why did u and yoshi break up?

Richard ( @cas-fulleditmode ) shares the same fetish as me (M*** P**f) lmao im kiddingggggg UwU me and @ayoshi​ are married in Korea still

Anonymous said: BOOOOOI! HAVE YOU HEARD “BLACK DRESS” BY CLC? IT. IS. LIT

i dont think u get…. my k-pop obsession ;-; lmao I literally keep up with like every girl group and watch the album teasers/everything UwU I still prefer Where Are You? to Black Dress though.

Anonymous said: Are you friends with grimcookies?

to an extend I think so, yes. We have only messaged a few times in the past week or so bc of memessssss

Anonymous said: Can you please post some eyes or tell me where I can download cc eyes? I hate the eyelashes that sims has.

My resource page has the eyes I use and the no EA eyelashes mod link :)

@saurussims​ said: Pass the happy! 💛 When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications!

My birthday is this month so I’m happy about that lmao

Loona

my pug UwU

my friendssss

getting new clothing

Anonymous said: aghhhh your sim style is so nice! Have a nice day!

Thank you so much!!

Anonymous said: Hello! ^_^ I just dropped by to tell you how much I appreciate your hard work in making hairs. I don’t know how much time it takes you to make such wonderful creations, but they definitely made my sims better-looking for your CCs are amazing and they are of matching lengths and styles that really made planning my sims’ hairstyles easier <3 Sorry I’m too broke to donate, and all I can do is THANK YOU :( But please know that you deserve all the praises you get. More power to you and your blog! <3

omggg this is so sweet ;-; thank you!!! I really really really appreciate stuff like this. <3

Anonymous said: Would you consider making more hairs (preferably a long, casual style and maybe a ponytail?) with the Candie/Maja bangs? They’re soooo cute!

I have made another hair with those bangs. Hopefully it gets posted soon :)

Anonymous said: Can you please make the laundry day hairstyles base game compatible?

I actually didn’t buy laundry stuff lmao college/senior payments are taking all my money rn so I prob won’t get any packs anytime soon :P

Anonymous said: all i want in life is curly maxis match boy hairs ahhh :((((((((

aweeee I am really bad at male hairs or I would try :( this is a male hair I did the other day and it is super super basic but like I’m surprised it wasn’t super fucked up ;-;

@jacazul​ said: ✨💛 This is the Amazing Person Award! Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the ask of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you’re amazing inside and out 💛✨ <3333

Thank you!!! <3

Anonymous said: how do you get all your sims to look so cute??? every time i think i’ve made a super cute sim i see one of your sims on my dash and i’m like WHOA NEVERMIND THEN. seriously tho what are your secrets

ummmm I use all my sims and then just do ‘make twin/sibling’ and then I get a clone to mold like clay wedgfhv

Anonymous said: which recolor palettes do you recommend for hairs? I like the EA colors but I would like to try some others.. especially after seeing the hair color you put on your sim with the jennie hair in your latest post

Obvi I like the anathema palette bc I put my hairs in that, but the saccharine (?) is really really good and there are tons of hairs in that. and the WMS palette is so so so good there are just too many swatches for me to do that palette tbh

Anonymous said: Are you going to make more hairs that are ombre accessory compatible?

Maybe! I am not sure tbh, it depends on the mesh I use and abunch of other factors :)

Anonymous said: Question, I love your Jisoo hair, it’s well done, but the ombre part, what’s the file name and how do you download it? I’m a noob when it comes to this. Sorry to bother you.

file name -> JisooHairOmbreNaturals[AH00B].package

just put it in your mods folder like you would normal CC. It is in accessories :)

Anonymous said: I’m legit falling in love with you and all these cc’s ❤❤❤

<3333 Thanksssssss UwU

Anonymous said: not to rush you but are any male sims coming out soon :0

My male sim has been in my drafts with all the CC links and everything the past MONTH but I haven’t had the motivation to export his download file omggg. He is on my gallery @ spotharris if u really really want him right now

@bob10112006

​ said:

I love you and thank you for your cc and can you make not so berry cc?thanks!

People have made recolors of my cc in not so berry colors :) check my sideblog @aharris00britneyrecolors​

Anonymous said: Hi! Are you planning to make the Go Won hairs into a bob? the same hair and all but shorter. I just think it will look really nice as a bob.

Maybe?? no plans as of right now though

Anonymous said: please upload your red-ish haired sim! :) x

Already did, check my sim download page

Anonymous said: damn, those new hair really sucks. sorry… but. yeah.

well maybe if you stanned LOONA then you would like them UwU

Anonymous said: I checked out your sim page, they’re so gorgeous! I remember at some point last year you mentioned maybe sharing Briella after you stopped using her, and I haven’t seen her in a while in your posts. Have you considered sharing her or is she just officially retired? She was a very cute sim and is iconic!

Briella wasn’t actually my sim! Her original download post is here

@ayoshi​ said: Are you gonna tell your followers why you didn’t give me a valentine gift or…???

Me and @cas-fulleditmode​ were too busy to take a stop in korea sorry UwU

Anonymous said: heey :) could you maybe put the hairlines your were talking about in the latest post for download? i use hairlines myself and i really like your hairs in tge palette you are using and i can’t find any hairlines in it soo? could you do that? :)            

the hairlines I made are actually in the saccharine palette bc so many clayified hairs come in that palette lmao. They are kinda messy rn but if I eve use them on a sim download ill link them there :)

Anonymous said: Could you please recolour some of wild-pixel’s hairs in the palette?

Anonymous said: can we give you recolor requests?

Idk if I will do recolors that often but when I do I kinda just do what hairs I find myself using at that time :P

Anonymous said: Will u ever upload girl from “tell me why, why i’m so lonely” post?? Please consider it, she is soooo cute 😍😍😍

I didnt save her :(

@investedwheat40 said: Would you ever consider uploading your joy hair as a default replacement for that one hair Zoe Patel wears?

Prob not since it uses different textures/shadows and stuff, it would be the same size and stuff as the normal Joy hair

Anonymous said: Is there any way to download you models? Because I live how they looks and really want to use them.

I got this before I made my sim download page, but lmao here is a link to my sim download page :P

#asks

[httpsaw]

— 85 questions 💌

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag more people

i was tagged by @1esbiana thank u for tagging me angel!!

- LAST

1. drink - Raspberry & Blackberry water

2. phone call - My friend Emily

3. text message - my other friend Courtney

4. song you listened to - See you again by Tyler the creator

5. time you cried - Monday

- EVER

6. dated someone twice? - No

7. kissed someone and regretted it - the only 2 ppl ive kissed were guys so yes

8. been cheated on - No

9. lost someone special - Yeah

10. been depressed - Yes dsdfsjksdf still am b!

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - i havent thrown up i know my limits

- FAVE COLORS

12. Red

13. White

14. Green

- IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. made new friends - yeah and lost them but it be like that

16. fallen out of love - yes :(

17. laughed until you cried - yes omg i rlly be thinking i peed bc how hard i laughed

18. found out someone was talking about you - uhh yeah:/

19. met someone who changed you - no tbh its just me changing 

20. found out who your friends are - yeah:/

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

- GENERAL

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all except 1

23. do you have any pets - a cat who i love legit i could go on for hours

24. do you want to change your name - i kinda wanna legally change my name to Rosa but thats tew much work

25. what did you do for your last birthday - no omg my birthdays r so depressing lets not talk abt this

26. what time did you wake up today - midday bc its not hot so i can rest

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - litchrally sleeping bc again its not hot so i dont have to suffer

28. what is something you can’t wait for - not being mentally ill & looking back at who i was in 10 years and how far i got or havent got

30. what are you listening to right now - Flower boy by Tyler the creator

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yeah in primary school but i never saw him after that and i dont even remember anything abt him except his name

32. something that gets on your nerves - people talkin over me it makes me so mad, ppl who dont listen/just ignore u like bitch okay then.

33. most visited website - uh tumblr or pinterest i love that bitch

34. hair color - dark brown i dont dye my hair bc im worried abt burning my head

35. long or short hair - its slowly making its way to shoulder length cant wait to cut it again i love cutting my own hair omg

36. do you have a crush on someone - no idk like this half year ive just been thinking abt myself and how i can better myself, plus everyone i know/met im not attracted to so

37. what do you like about yourself - uh my eyes, my ability to empathise, how i can stand up for myself sometimes, my creativeness

38. want any piercings? - no sometimes i want to get my ears pierced for hoop earings but i have hearing aids and ive been self consious of them since i was a kid i dont wear them when i should n i dont want to draw attention BUT im trying to accept it n be confident like im struggling w my voice but im kinda accepting it and liking it so i gotta accept my deafness bc i pierce my ears thats so dumb sjkdjkks

39. blood type - idk i feel like this is so ppl can steal my kidneys go away (or at least pay me)

40. nicknames - litchrally just Rosa or “that sad bitch”

41. relationship status - single also ive been thinking abt this like obv im 19 n v shy/isolated but im worried ill never fall in love w someone bc ive had ppl love me but like i just dont feel like i will ever truly love someone and not be over it in a week

42. zodiac - Leo sun/Sag Moon/Taurus Rising

43. pronouns - He/Him or They/Them i dont mind

44. fave tv shows - Breaking Bad, Pretty Little Liars, idk most of them suck n i get bored of them

45. tattoos - i have 2 n i want more but im poor :’(

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery - yeah ive had like 7 i was supposed to have had my 8th but uhhhhhhh yeah the phsycologist didnt think it was the right time

48. piercings - no go away

49. sport - do i look like i do sports??? (this was in the voice of that vine sjkdjkdsfjk)

50. vacation - im always on a vacation in my mind when i close my eyes

51. trainers - i wear one pair of shoes n theyre white nikes i love them i only like the white shoes bc i hate the black pair i have bc they look weird n i dont buy shoes often i may buy boots soon tho

- MORE GENERAL

52. eating - go away

53. drinking - i answered this before?

54. i’m about to watch - myself pin some stuff to my pinterest boards

55. waiting for - myself to finish this and then do my skincare routine

56. want - time to stand still so i cant breathe

57. get married - i said it before idk if ill ever love someone i probably will right like so many people do? but idk if i want to get married, i like the idea of a wedding n dressing up all nice but idk if its for me

58. career - uhhh writer fml or florist like idk if i need a degree for that but like lemme plant flowers ok damn

- THIS OR THAT

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes bc some ppl dont moisturize their damn lips

61. shorter or taller - taller bc im short but if my future gf was shorter then like ok? sflkkl like what am i supposed to do get her really high boots to wear?

62. older or younger - older i guess? i only have dated ppl my age but as long as its not a big age gap yk like i dont want to date a 30 year old rn sdfkksfdk

63. nice arms or stomach - arms bc i wanna be held

64. hookup or relationship - neither bc id have a panic attacksdjfsfjjkfsdjk too real

65. troublemaker or hesitant - uhh? idk ? what does this mean? im hesitant like i wanna make sure shit aint gonna ruin me or go awful and if it does i have a plan/vague idea on how to fix it

- HAVE YOU EVER

66. kissed a stranger - no id rather choke

67. drank hard liquor - yes but name a drink that doesnt taste like death

68. lost glasses - i dont have glasses but i probably would

69. turned someone down - yea haha i laugh bc im uncomfortable bc it ruined a rlly close friendship i had oh well!

70. sex on first date - no id rather DIE

71. broken someone’s heart - yes :(

72. had your heart broken - yes im a sensitive bich!

73. been arrested - no i know ppl that have been but thats as close as i ever wanna get

74. cried when someone died - i cried when allison argent & lexa died but noone irl

75. fallen for a friend - yeah but it was online n we dont talk anymore but i do miss her

- DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - yes im a legend (im in a good mood so yes i do)

77. miracles - uhhh i dunno?

78. love at first sight - yes im not even gonna play

79. santa claus - no but if ppl do thats cute n who am i to tell them not to

80. kiss on a first date - id let u know if i ever go on one!

81. angels - dunno? i guess i believe in god but angels? not really? like i wouldnt say they definetly DONT exist but i also wouldnt put my faith in them

- OTHER

82. best friend’s name - uh thats my cat Zulu

83. eye color - brown

84. fave movie - 13 going on 30 i bought it on discount from morrisons thinking i wouldnt like it but itd be something to watch but biiiiiiiitch i feel in love w that movie!!!

85. fave actor - crystal reed but only bc she played allison argent n i still would die for her

-Tag others: @matd @01chuu @lunesgf @nbwlw n anyone else who wants to 

#alcohol // #death mention // #abt me #sorry lmk if yall dont wanna b tagged but ye

[mandysxmuses]

go off about DDLC

//Okayokayokay gonna put all this under a cut bc I’m gonna totally spill everything out just – just everything I can on the fly (and I’m also not gonna tag it under the game’s tag bc I am a scared muffin who fears someone will disagree with my thoughts and I don’t want to be labeled as a mental-illness-is-automatically-horror douchebag ;;;;; )

GREAT GAME GREAT GAME LET’S JUST GET THAT OUTTA THE WAY I LOVE IT (and again if you don’t that is fine your opinion is valid and I’m not tryna change anyone’s mind, I just have a different view of one of the main criticisms and I’m not trying to change your mind on that either)

I should state that I love anything cute that turns creepy. That’s just… it’s my shit. Cute stuff that goes off the wire and turns totally horrific is absolutely my thing

Or even otherwise innocent stuff slowly going horror (Unlimited Footage of a Bear - a anti-depressant booster commercial going haywire, Too Many Cooks - an 80′s.. no, parody of pretty much every show type ever going haywire, Tea Time - tea time with a granny going haywire )

So uh when I heard from my friendos that I should play this game called Doki Doki Literature Club

And it was already sounding like my thing my thing because I love anime waifus n shit

When I saw the first tag being “psychological horror” I was both like “Why?” and [Bluebeard Voice] “SHIT YES”

I was one of the ones who got to play it before there were let’s plays all over Youtube and even if there would’ve been at the time I didn’t look that shit up because I wanted the full TAKE MY BODY AND SHAKE IT experience

And I saw the anxiety and depression warning at the beginning and was like “Oh. I have both of those. … Eh” and played anyway

MY BIGGEST BUT ALSO MOST AWESOME MISTAKE (besides that fucking soda spill last night omg I don’t even think I told you guys the whole story but oh my god Sayo-nara might as well have been playing during that shit)

I, uh;; haha, disliked Sayori toward the beginning of the game. Not that i found her annoying or anything, it’s just the “ditsy childhood friend” trope was always one of my least favorite tropes so I kinda just found her meh. She was cute though (hahahahahaHAHAHA and you know what I’m pissed that this sweetheart who went through such a deep-ass development in such a short time has basically been reduced to nothing but a hanging joke

Like we get it. She hung herself and we joke about to deal with the pain bUT THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE TO SAYORI THAN THAT PLS STOP REDUCING HER TO THAT ONE POINT IN THE GAME C’MOOOON)

And perhaps this was a spoiler but I did not recognize it as one but one of said friends who recommended it to me told me to wait for Sayori to start acting off.

… My initial assumption with this game was that it was going to be one of those generic “ALL THE GIRLS WANNA MURDER EACH OTHER AND THEN YOU” things bc that shit happens all the time in anime but that’s not to say I wouldn’t love it anyway. Generic doesn’t mean bad ANYWHO I’ll stop getting off topic

Met Yuri. I liked her, but did not and do not think she was best girl, I just felt her personality was most like mine. Because I am shy af when I first meet people and feel like I have to walk on eggshells even around people I’m comfortable with (cough cough my fam) to make sure I don’t “fuck up” when really most of my fuck-ups consist of accidentally not hearing something or just putting on a song I like on the radio and then everyone else hates it and I’m like “oh.. I suck”

and then I get “Quit it with that pity-partying bullshit” (PSA: Don’t say that to someone like Yuri especially, that will not help her, in fact don’t say that to anyone unless they’re really tough and can handle that kind of .. uh.. advice??? )

Met Natsuki.

… LOVE HER lOVE HER SO MUCH I WOULD DIE FOR NATSUKI I WOULD DIE

because I love tsunderes. That’s.. that’s literally it. The moment I saw her saying she didn’t make the cupcakes for me or anything, I knew true love was meant to be between us. She would be my route, and if that route ended with her trapping me in a basement and forcefeeding me poisonous cupcakes until I died and a graphic image of my internal organs exploding showed, that would be just fine. Love is an open door with a tsundere behind it, bitches.

Met Monika. Liked her. … That’s it, I just found her nice. Before the poem game, I had already decided Natsuki was the one true best girl and I was not doing Monika’s route until another playthrough (I assumed maybe her route was special and it unlocked after you beat the game once at the time). Hahahahahaha HELP

… aND THEN THE POEM GAME CAME.

And I immediately noticed Monika wasn’t even there to be “seduced” by my sexy words. I asked why this was, and I just got “that’s the question you should be asking”

…………………………………..

immediate suspicion of Monika, slight fear of the other girls as well.

The rest of the game goes by pretty smoothly for me though. I keep gradually finding Natsuki adorable as fuckin’ shit. The more I see her, the more I picture her in a bridal costume with me skipping down the aisle – well, her more grumpily walking and saying it’s not like she WANTED to be there marrying me or anything.

And then Sayori got sad.

… Really sad.

Like, suffering from depression.

I didn’t even have to wait for her confession or anything, I could tell by the way this was going that it wasn’t sadness, it was depression.

And I was like “oh, fuck.”

And then our dumbass protagonist WAITS A WHOLE DAY to visit her and she finally explains to her that she has depression and the way she describes it? To me? Is the most fucking heartbreaking thing in the whole game, especially coming from someone who has depression herself. Everything she said was, to me at least, 10000000% accurate and it hurt. It hurt in a very personal way. I’m not afraid to say I cried.

… I’m not afraid to say I still cry when that confession part comes up in other people’s playthroughs. It’s that poignant and truthful and painful to me.

And I was like “OH FUCK. I CAME HERE TO BE TORTURED WITH FEAR, NOT SADNESS. THIS IS GETTING REAL RIGHT HERE. THIS ISN’T RANDOMLY MURDEROUS FEMALES WANTING MY ASS LIKE I EXPECTED”

Also I baked with Natsuki, which was cute as shit, but I was also pissed as shit that the protagonist, who just realized his friend is suffering from an agonizingly painful mental illness, JUST CASUALLY THREW THAT SHIT UNDER THE RUG BECAUSE HEY. NATSUKI’S AT MY HOUSE DOKI DOKI DESU~~~~~

“Is it really okay for me to stop thinking about Sayori when she might need me?” NO. EVEN IF YOU DO THIS WITH NATSUKI, YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT SAYORI AT LEAST IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IMPORTANT, YOU LUSTFUL JACKASS.

ahem

And then me and Natsuki were about to kiss and Bluebeard throws me another SHIT YES for support

And then SURPRISE SAYORI and Bluebeard goes SHIT NO and stays there while Natsuki runs away

And Sayori goes on more about her emotions because not only does she have depression, but she likes MC for whatever asinine reason and fears that she might feel something different for him than he does for her

Which, again, is a very real fear any person can have that can be greatly intensified by things like depression or anxiety

And the game gave me two options:

“You’ll always be my dearest friend.”

“I love you.”

… Meanwhile, Bluebeard is nudging the dumbass MC’s leg and saying, “Help her seek help and find a therapist. Say you know it’s hard, Can-Opener, but – is that really not going to be an option? Is this bastard that dumb? … Can I bite?”

That said, I chose “You’ll always be my dearest friend” because, imo, saying you experience romantic and sexual feelings toward a person when you honestly don’t just because they’re depressed will only hurt them even more when they inevitably find out the truth and your relationship flops.

Turns out either option would have ended in the same thing – which, also in my opinion, is fine. When you’re a person like MC (not asininely stupid, but you just don’t know about depression), you might not know what to say or how to help and these things can end in the worst. It happens all the time.

That’s why, the way I see it, Sayori’s suicide scene was one of the most poignant, well-executed, horrific, and upsetting things I have ever seen in a horror game.

I know people say it was just for shock value, but I – I honestly have to disagree. When you’re depressed, and I don’t care how clumsy you are, hanging might be the option you go with when you become crisis-level suicidal. And knowing that Sayori has struggled with this her entire life – knowing the context of the situation – I can’t say it was just for shock. You’re damn right it WAS shocking, but it wasn’t just for shock value. 

And the whole “mental illness is horror” thing – I think this is one of the most well executed examples of it. Because whether people like it or not, mental illness can be horrific because it drives innocent people like Sayori to hate themselves completely and to do these things to themselves. It’s taking something very real, something that could potentially happen and has happened – and throwing it right in your face. The trope isn’t bad if the illness itself is treated with respect, and I think this is one of the instances where it was. It didn’t just scream “MENTAL HOSPITAL!! PATIENT!! TRIES TO KILL YOU!!!! BECAUSE THEY’RE A MENTAL HOSPITAL PATIENT!!!! ZOMG!!ONE2!!” It didn’t have Sayori hang herself straight from the get-go and leave you wondering “… why the fuck?”

Mental illness as horror can be done right. Because it can be a horrific thing. I think one of the many ways it can go wrong is that often times (unfortunately) mental illness as horror is treated in such a way that the person themselves is horrific. Not the illness they’re suffering from. They’re horrific because they’re mentally ill. That’s a no-no. But that’s not something I got from Sayori.

With Yuri in the 2nd act, on the other hand, I can kind of agree. The way she began ogling over the player way more than before, THOSE EYES, the.. the scent on the last Yuri poem – I feel that was a bit overdone, and also framing her to be a monster.

However, while this was intentional, someone in the game screwing with the actual game’s fabric of reality was behind it – and it was acknowledged as wrong because Monika herself was behind it and making Yuri act that way – which again, was acknowledged as wrong. Sorry I keep repeating that. Even if it came off a little “ehhh…”, something acknowledging that as wrong is 10000x better than just – once again – “THEY’RE MENTALLY ILL SO THEY’RE SCAAARY. AND THAT’S NOT A WRONG, STIGMATIZING, MAKING-MENTALLY-ILL-PEOPLE-LOOK-LIKE-MONSTERS PORTRAYAL OF SHIT. WE’RE NOT APOLOGIZING FOR SHIT. DEAL WITH IT. IT’S SCARY.”

Monika as the antagonist was very well-done. I had no clue about it from the beginning, even though I felt something was off after the first poem game, and I didn’t reeeeally start suspecting her of shit until Sayori said the “Monika was right, I should just–” line

Holy shit

That’s an antagonist right there, and a fucked up one

So uh yeah. Doki Doki Literature Club.

9/10.

Not enough Natsuki.

#ooc #randathecartoonpanda #tw suicide

[jadelyn]

No one is entitled to anyone else's success story

A lot of the "tumblr is anti-recovery" panic and moralizing is based around the idea that it's "dangerous" to younger people with MIs/chronic illness to see all us Bitter Old Crazies making jokes about NT Advice(tm) and acting like we're never gonna get better. And tbh it strikes me as similar to the recent moral panic about adult or triggering content in fandom spaces. Think of The Children! they cry. You're Being a Bad Influence!

But here's the thing. Nobody is entitled to someone else's success story. Kids with MIs do not have some kind of right to see adults with MIs successfully coping, and in the inverse, it's not our responsibility to hide our unsuccessful coping away from where impressionable kiddos might see it and be discouraged by it.

First of all, not everyone has a success story. Not everyone gets better. People might be able to improve, or they might not. And by classifying people who acknowledge their circumstances as being the best they're likely to get as "anti-recovery", you're literally trying to silence mentally ill people from talking about their own lives and experiences, just because you don't like to hear about it.

But even for those of us who do have success stories - like, I'm one of those. I dropped out of college and spent the first 10 years of my adult life living with partners and family, relying on others, driving a 20-year-old clunker of a car which I literally had to duct-tape pieces back onto sometimes, trying to work retail and temp jobs to get by when I could, but I never could hold anything down very long. About 5 years ago, I finally got treatment - meds, specifically, bc I'd had on and off therapy that only helped a little bit - for my depression. As of this year, I have graduated college with a 4-year degree, bought a newish car (10 yrs old sports car in good condition), held down a single job in my desired career field for almost 4 years, and I bought a house with my partner earlier this year. You couldn't ask for a more solid recovery story than that.

But, and this is key: I don't owe anyone the inspiration of my story. Existing in public as an adult who's turned my life around despite severe chronic mental illness doesn't obligate me to serve as a good example or role model to others with MIs. I often choose to take on that role, but it's a choice, and if I chose instead to keep it to myself, or to publicly vent my bitterness over the decade of life I've lost because of my illness, or vent my frustration with the useless NT advice I tried to follow and use to "fix" myself (to no avail) before finally getting proper treatment, then that's my right. This is my blog, my space, I'll tag things appropriately but I refuse to censor myself from talking about the reality of my mental illness, and if you don't wanna hear my negativity you know where to find the unfollow button.

And in fact, the responsibility in this situation lies not with the people talking, but with the people listening.

When I was in college and for a bit thereafter, I was part of a depression and mental illness forum. I don't remember the name of it anymore, but I spent time on it then like I spend time on Tumblr now. Talking with people, posting and replying. And a lot of it, as one might expect for a gathering of people with depression of varying degrees of severity and treatment resistance, was really negative.

And that was a space that helped and supported me for a good number of years. I could open up about my suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm. I could receive caring and understanding from people who were like me, who never made me roll my eyes with Pollyanna-ish platitudes or offered empty sentiment to inspire "hope". If I felt hopeless, I could just fucking say that, could act like it. I didn't have to perform positivity for anyone or hide my struggles.

But there came a time, eventually, when I began to find the level of negativity to be harmful for me rather than helpful. I had changed, and I needed something different.

So you know what I did?

I didn't go around the forum and start telling people they were being too negative.

I didn't try to force people to perform hopefulness and positivity because it would be more beneficial for me personally.

I didn't scold people or accuse them of hindering my recovery.

I

Fucking

Left.

I left that forum. I said goodbye to my friends, gave people my offsite contact information, and I stopped visiting that forum altogether. Because I had reached a point in my recovery where that environment had gone from helpful to harmful, for me personally. So I took responsibility for my own recovery and my own progress, and I made the decision to move on and find the kind of environment that would be good for me at that point.

It's not quite so neat and discrete here on Tumblr, since so many people have personal blogs and reblog a variety of types of content, sometimes adding their contribution, sometimes not. Unless you strictly and only follow topic-specific blogs, you'll be exposed sometimes to things you didn't quite sign up for.

But even here, you're still responsible for you user experience. You have tools you can use. Blacklist certain tags or phrases or topics. Unfollow or block specific individuals. Do what you need to do, in order to create an environment on your dash that is healthy for you and meets your needs.

And that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yours. Not mine, not anyone else's. We are not responsible for creating an environment that meets your mental health needs. We are individuals who are allowed to talk shit and piss and moan about our lives on our own goddamn blogs if we want to. Which includes making morbid jokes, mocking shitty advice that we've received from NT people that was anywhere from useless to actively harmful, talking openly about our limitations, being honest about our hopes for recovery or lack thereof, and complaining about the relentless positivity that demands we continue to aspire to a NT model of Recovery(tm) even when we know damn well that's not a possibility for us.

You're not entitled to anyone else's success story for inspiration. If you want to hear success stories and positivity, find people who post that stuff and leave us Bitter Old Crazies the fuck alone.

#Depression #mental illness #recovery #Anti-recovery discourse

[dojaeism-archived]

henlo this is me forgetting that I DIDN'T reply to your responses and just answered everything in my head sjsjsjsjsjs I'm so sorry (￣ ▽ ￣ *) ゞ but! How have you been? College starts for me tomorrow so maybe that's half the reason why my mind's been all over the place + I was a little under the weather the past 3 days but I recover quick so all's good now - ❄️

I think there's nothing wrong with solo stanning as long as the person doesn't bring other stans/members down or anything so i'm pretty sure you're okay and ig it's also easier to give love to 1 person from a few groups than infinite ones haha your heart would jump from one's hands to another's less often ^^* honestly everyone's music is good but I will admit that I find a sense of comfort in theirs that isn't present with majority of groups I listen to ;-; and thank you! - ❄️

akshfsjdhg assigned victim sounds chaotic but I couldn't find any other name I'd use instead... I'm enjoying making yours too (minus the amounts of times I've scrapped each draft because it looked 'off' for the lack of a better word hehe) but it's nice trying to deliver a hopefully good thing because 1. you're such a fun and nice person and I wanna not disappoint and 2. you're also someone I admired from afar when I was a cc for nctzenblr??? You always left such nice tags on everything :( - ❄️

Ah, same going on right now... I have so much I wanna make or gif but I feel like I might introduce a semi-hiatus because I need to know how busy I might be with college, and preparing my siblings for their exams + moving and I also have my French exam on Tuesday (VERY informal but I wanna be fully prepared 'cause I don't wanna disappoint my friend/teacher T^T) - ❄️

It is a concept that's well overdone but I still love seeing everyone's creations with it! I dunno much about the game but if he was a character from it, who do you think it'd be? No problem, do let me know what you think when you get the time to listen! You too have a lovely day ahead; make sure to rest well, stay hydrated + warm and lots more back at you ♡ ＼ (￣ ▽ ￣) ／ ♡ - ❄️

hii omg im so sorry this is so late but i hope college has been treating you well so far! and i hope you’ve been well too and not falling sick :( especially since im sure its getting colder now so please make sure you’re keeping warm ☹️

ahh you just reminded me that ive not touched my gift since i last spoke to you omg 😭 i’ve just been very busy lately but the weekend is coming up so hopefully i can get on that for a bitkjfdnfgk but noooo im sure whatever you’re making will turn out wonderful!!!!! im so excited to see it heheh but omg you won’t disappoint! im super grateful to be receiving anything at all and i know ill love it no matter what it is because its from you and you’re such a lovely person!!! butkjfnkg u were a cc for nctzenblr too :0 thats amazing omg now i am REALLY curious to find out who you are 😭😭😭

im a little late but i hope your french exam went well! i know what you mean, ive been mia on this blog lately too, only coming on every few days to rb stuff and then disappearing again but its just that this time in the term is always super busy big sigh... christmas break is coming up soon though and im excited for that, have you got a break coming up soon too?

hmmm i think... chanyeol reminds me of kaeya the most? maybe?? haha omg im not sure bc im bad at paying attention to the actual characters lmfao but kaeya is super tall and fun, and he’s very cheeky as well so i think they’re quite similar!!

have a wonderful week, take care and stay safe 💗

#❄️ anon #exolsecretsanta #anonymous #replies

[eeveedel]

Annual Writing Self Evaluation

My lovely friends @nightwideopen @hrrytomlinson and @mediawhorefics all tagged me in this so, get ready for a long, rambly mess 

1. List of works published this year:

pray for some sweet simplicity (last half)

oh we’re in love aren’t we 

lightning before the thunder

Ever Fixed 

cage me like an animal (first part)

You and Me

Baby Honey

Trouvaille 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

probably finishing pfsss, because that was my longest fic ever and my baby. I’m also proud of how Ever Fixed turn out bc I wrote it on a tight deadline and it still turned out alright. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I’m really not happy with the lack of attention I gave to cage me like an animal. I’m still limping to finish it and I just wish it could’ve been better. 

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

from pray for some sweet simplicity: 

“This is the first time I’ve seen you at an event without your racer’s jacket.”

Louis snorted softly, pushing back against the desk until only his fingertips were pressed into the carved edges.

“Is that all you have to say to me?” he asked. His words weren’t cutting, or teasing, even, just soft. A reach, to see if Harry bothered to say anything back.

Harry dipped his head, examining a point on the floor Louis couldn’t see in the mirror, and then lifted his gaze back up.

“It’s all I can think of right now,” the other man admitted, and Louis shook his head. His hand smoothed over the book in front of him, the pages crinkling under his fingertips.

“You’re lying,” Louis said softly, bringing his eyes back up to the mirror as he said it, “You have a lot more you’d like to say,”

“Maybe,”

Louis leaned forward into the desk, his waist digging into the front of the table.

“Well then, say one of the things you maybe want to say to me.”

Harry didn’t speak for a long time, and Louis was suddenly very aware that he might never speak to him again. He could walk out, disappear into the night, and he could spend the next several months with a silent ghost watching him from the sidelines.  

But instead, Harry looked back up, and this time, he steadily held Louis’s gaze.

“I think you look very nice tonight,” he said, “Without your jacket.”

“Very nice,” Louis repeated, licking his lips. He meant to say it drily but there was no air in his chest, “Thought a writer would come up with something better than that.”

Harry’s eyes flickered, like he wanted to drop his gaze, but he kept his eyes steady, his voice soft and smooth when he spoke again.

“You look beautiful, Louis.”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

on Ever Fixed:

“Oh my goodness, first of all the love story in this is beautiful and heartwarming and that plot twist made me gasp during class hahah but mainly I’m just so floored by how you wrote grief. At the start of this year I had to go through weeks of sitting at the bedside of someone I loved in a hospital and watching them slowly die and it fucking hurts, reading this was helpful and heartbreaking all in one so thank you so much for sharing it.” 

Finding out you can help someone in a moment like that....yeah it’s a raw and incredible feeling 

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Any time during the school year, it’s just hard to find the time. But I always struggle with my mental illness during school breaks so right now and over the summer was really tough to get through because mental illness bumps always come with mad writer’s block. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Anything I wrote with Private Alex James Styles, the love of my life who I did not expect to adore this much. 

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I definitely was more fearless and put out far more fics than I did last year. I actually followed through with ideas and didn’t care as much about how they’d be received, I just wrote because I loved the idea. I can’t always stay in that mindset, unfortunately, but I’m working on it, because it feels very freeing. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

Force myself to actually have structured writing time, because too often it gets pushed to the side when I’m doing schoolwork and my job and errands. And as always, just keep improving and being a stronger storyteller with each story I put out. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

So many people. One, @bottomlouiswriter for being a saint and putting up with my shit, and @hrrytomlinson @mediawhorefics @erosau @tommostummie @twoghostsacoustic @hogwartzlou​ for being lovely friends and lovely cheerleaders and just....lovely 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

oh we’re in love aren’t we is largely based off my college experiences so far so yes, for sure. and there are also lil anecdotes and stuff from my life that pop up in my writing one way or another. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Just have fun, fuck everyone else. Maybe find someone who can shame you into finally learning how to punctuate correctly. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Sooo many! My big bang fic, finishing my werewolf au, writing more Alex/Louis and maybe thinking up so old wips I abandoned, among other things

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

Lots of people already got tagged, but I still wanna pick @smrwine and her beautiful, brilliant brain (oh, and I forgot my sweet bub @erosau !!!) 

#sorry for any errors! #tagged in #long post

[santiagostyle]

U kno what plot twist ill only ask u for all the even numbers this time!!! Unless any of the odd ones involve music bc i know those are the ones u rly wanna answer so

MARK THE DAY KIDS JO IS BEING NICE TO ME

anyway this is a hella long post lmao s o r r y

2. name your favourite books; why are they your favourite books and do they affect your writing?

my all time favourite is To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee which like,, I feel like it doesn’t really affect my writing but it definitely reignited my love for literature which I guess consequently led to me getting back into writing??

also the A to Z of You and Me by James Hannah literally ripped out my heart and stomped on it and I’m seriously pretty sure I finished it within a few hours of starting it. That one probably does affect my writing because it’s very angsty but also in terms of style it’s pretty fragmented which is kinda the direction I tend to go in so!!!

I’m yet to make it past the first chapter but the style of Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy is,,, everything 

not technically a book but I’m a theatre major so ofc i’m gonna include a play!!! 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane ripped my heart out, tore it to pieces, threw it on the ground and stomped on it (also side note it took me a solid week and a half to recover from watching it performed live). the style is so abstract and disjointed and strange and fragmented but it’s so so perfect and absolutely heartbreaking (also big ass trigger warning if you’re thinking about looking it up)

ALSO i got about halfway through before life got in the way so I didn’t get the chance to finish it but I absolutely adore the style of Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury and like,,, fun fact I’m actually related to him so ???? i guess writing runs in the family ????? and yeah there are some small parts of that book that I read and thought ‘this sounds like something i would write’ just because i feel like we have pretty similar styles4. why do you like writing? what inspired you to put paper to pen?

I guess I haven’t ever really been happy just living one life or doing one thing at a time so,,,, I write 6. tag any writers that you want to collab with!

hoooooo boy um ?? literally ?? everyone??? but specifically @elsaclack @startofamoment @kasuchi @peraltiagoisland and my girl @johnnydora but for real i wanna write with EVERYONE 8. how many wip do you currently have? which one is your favourite as of the moment?

HA HA HA HA HA for real I literally have like,,, 4 Big Major Fics in the works and then like 11-12 little drabble things also in progress (and by in progress I mean I’ve thought about them and done absolutely nothing else)10. describe your writing in five sentences or less.

sentences suck imma do dot points

- I can’t write chronologically and the beginning of a story is usually the last thing I do

- I have a tendency to write ‘moments’ as opposed to actual full fledged stories if that makes sense? like I find it so much easier to write little ‘scenes’ or slices of life so i often use quite a few time jumps because i find it so difficult to write the stuff that occurs in between big moments

- i always spend so much time and so many words describing the littlest details because those are what i think are most important 

- literally everything i write has a song associated with it and i can’t write without music 

- i either use really long super flowery descriptive sentences, or sentences with like 3 words in them. there is no in between 

12. what do you associate with each of your stories? with your writing in general?

I mean I’ve only published two (2) things on here/ao3 so far but like I mentioned before the music thing so I suppose i associate particular songs with each of my stories?

but also like in general all of my writing comes from a really intense emotional place and like, even if I’m unsure of how my?? mental state?? is doing at a particular time, it comes through in my writing. so if i suddenly only wanna write fluff i know i’m doing okay, whereas i kinda have to be sad to write something angsty like the hellfic14. write a personal history/mini autobiography/author description that you don’t mind sharing.

smol anxious tina fey wannabe spends too much time crying in her room thinking about so many stories while putting off actually writing 16. three pieces of other’s writing that people need to read to understand your inspirations and you?

alright i know like everyone and their dog has already read it but foR REAL @elsaclack‘s sleepwalking changed my goddamn life alright it was literally everything i had ever wanted in a fic and i am still Shooktd to this day okay frick

Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho is also a book that is very important to me and I think everyone should read it 

Neighbourhood Watch by Lally Katz is the first play that actually made me cry just by reading it (like, I didn’t see it live, I cried reading the actual text) because god there’s so much emotion and so many issues that it deals with that are very close to my heart and it reminded me a lot of some people I’m very close to so!!!!18. make a playlist for people to listen to if they want to understand you.

AIGHT I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO AN ACTUAL PLAYLIST RN BUT I’M GONNA EDIT THIS LATER AND ADD A LINK BUT FOR NOW HERE ARE SOME OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE SONGS:

America - XYLØ

Young Blood - The Naked and Famous

Go Bang - PNAU

Sucker - Peaches

Raspberry Beret - Prince

Salvation - The Cranberries

Hero - Regina Spektor

Caught - Florence + The Machine

Time (Video Version) - Stray Dogg & Devendra Banhart

Leaving the City - Joanna Newsom

September 22nd - Brock Berrigan

Havana - Camila Cabello

Queen of Peace - Florence + The Machine

Regular Touch - Vera Blue

Here I Lie - Marika Hackman

Maneater - Nelly Furtado 

Kiwi - Harry Styles

Shut Up and Dance - WALK THE MOON

Baby I Call Hell - Deap Vally

Motel - Meg Myers20. describe your writing life in one sentence. 

I have been writing since I could hold a pen, and telling stories since before then22. your favourite characters to write and why.

oBVIOUSLY JAKE AND AMY but like I think I find Jake just a tiiiiiny bit easier to write because I’m always talking about Amy, like, externally??24. name one fact about yourself that you want your readers to know about you.

for real i’ve literally been writing since i could hold a pen. my mum still has ‘books’ i wrote when i was 3 about the adventures of my teddy bear lmfao26. what are your writing goals for the week? for the month? for the year? how many words/poems do you write per week?

HAHAHAHH WELLLLLL i was meant to be doing nanowrimo this month but then some Things happened so it hasn’t really gotten done. my biggest writing goal at the moment is to make some soliddddd progress on the hellfic (it’s all planned and a lot of the next chapter is written i just,,, can’t make the words work atm) so!!!

also i pretty much write when i have ideas?? which is,,, not often unfortunately

[dreamboydongmyeong]

50 questions (?) tag

ya girl cant read

tagged by @parkseonghwa luv u joo

yknow anyone i tag has probs already been tagged so MOOTS IF U SEE THIS AND WANNA DO IT DO IT

1. What takes up too much of your time?

school....

2. What makes your day better?

hmmm..it depends on the day! we have these little food delivery robots on campus and ordering from them is really cute (they say hi!) so that brightens my day lately! but lots of little things like ateez and friends and flowers!

3. What’s the best thing that happened you today?

i drew a lot and im proud of it kinda (’:

4. What fictional place would you like to go?

right now im super reobsessed with Lord of the rings so ill say the Shire!

5. Are you good at giving advice?

only for very oddly specific things..

6. Do you have any mental illness?

not that i know of!

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

nope but some freaky stuff has happened while im like half asleep

8. What musician inspired you the most?

billie joe armstrong! hes been my dad my inspiration sinc like...2010? ish?

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

oh yes

10. What’s your dream date?

something outdoorsy! even if its like walking by a lake or something i like exploring and it gives you an excuse to talk!

11. What do others notice about you?

that im weird when i get stressed i mess with my eyebrow so part of it is often missing and people notice that a lot

12. What is the annoying habit you have?

i TALK TOO MUCHHHH

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

we comment on each other’s tweets sometimes

14. How many ex’s do you have?

officially 3 but more like...6...lol

15. How many songs are on your playlist?

my current main playlist has 149 babey

16. What instruments can you play?

get this: i can make instrument songs with my mouth sometimes

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

myself tbh IM THE WORST but like me n my friends

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

JAPAN!! IVE ALWAYS WNATED TO GO TO JAPAN

19. What is your zodiac?

scorpio babeyyy

20. Do you relate to it?

HELL YEAH I DO

21. What is happiness to you?

this is gonna sound real cringey but like...happiness is temporary so honestly true happiness for me is being in a place in life where i find it easy to make my own happiness, and that happiness can be in the little things (like having coffee cake) or the big things

22. Are you going through anything right now?

yeah its this uh thing called life its short but also terribly and insufferably long (thank u jenna marbles for the wonderful quote)

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

kinda basing my life around  a person who couldn’t give less of a shit /: but im NOT ANYMORE YAY

24. What’s your favorite store?

rOSS i love ross

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

im for it dude

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

theres one or two big things ive said i wanna do in life but honestly whatever sounds cool and fun :D

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment?

billie eilish’s ‘when we all fall asleep where do we go?”

28. What do you want for your birthday?

money ive got big expenses in my future beeches

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you?

people think im quiet?? and honestly i think thats it...OH they think im a bitch usually too bc i have the worst resting bitch face

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

physically? like 16/17. mentally? like 23

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

on the nightstand woo woo

32. What word do you say the most?

“i” i like tot alk about myself a  lot its a problem i guess

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

i really dont think much older than 22 bc i ahd a 23 year old briefly and it was just...too much of a gap

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

18 i guess but even then the maturity differences /: so 19

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

something smart like doctor but honestly i think accounting is a pretty good fit

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

pOp

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be?

japan :3

38. What is your current favorite song?

okay im back on the billie bullshit but liek... bury a friend snaps

39. How long have you had this blog for?

when did ateez debut? 5 months?

40. What are you excited for?

the warm weather! and for classes to be done for summer (but i dont wanna leave this apartment S:)

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

im great at talking but it doesnt mean people agree lmao

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

i made dinner does that count NO I PUT AWAY LAUNDRY THATS IT

43. What do you want for Christmas?

again, and i cannot stress this enough: money (and snacks)

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

ZUMBA LMAOOO

45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

5 i guess? like it could be worse but it could be better

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

what makes you think i can count that high (probably have a family and work from home babey)

47. When did you get your first heart break?

my first reallly strong one was freshman year

48. At what age do you want to get married?

whatever age im at when i meet the right person and get to know them for a while (as a kid i always said 26...lol)

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

a geologist! i liked pretty rocks

50. What do you crave now?

the warm weather and a break from life

#tagged #wow im dramatic #we love that

[pinnkblooded-blog]

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog.

REPOST. Don’t reblog.

What’s your OTP for your Muse?:  Carmine and Alvis, no doubt. Their stories are so entertwined and they are such a duo. Are they also the worst: yes but that makes it better. Honestly my OTP is Car x equally complex person who doesn’t deal with her shit 

What are you willing to RP when it comes to shipping?:  Anything honestly as long as it’s not beastiality or just no chemistry. Car and Al maybe endgame but Car is a lowkey romantic and gosh i love shipping her with others just for the dynamics and how it affects her character.

How large does the age gap have to be to make it uncomfortable?: I can’t imagine Car dating some one drastically younger than her but she’s got a thing for older, mature folks. She’s 10/10 into ppl her age with less maturity but you’ve got her giving you heart eyes no doubt if you fit the mature not good for your mental health role. 

Are you selective when shipping?: Yeah because I base things on active participation in a ship (like if you wanna ship but then act like it’s just a cool tag to play with, then nah fam) and if i can forsee Car still being Car with that muse. Like I’m very adamant that no matter what Car stays a bad guy and Car stays mentally ill because love isn’t gonna just cure that. If I have concerns about out of characterness then it’s gonna be a no from me. However i’m open to dialouge about this thing so don’t be scared to hit me up about my own concerns ya know.

How far do steamy moments have to go before they’re considered NSFW?: Car is a gold star member of Kinky Hut Jr’s and as her mun I gotta give the child full NSFW reign. I’m 100% for smut and will only go as far as the other mun wishes. 

Who are other muses you ship your muse with?: Tulip is the only other muse Car is currently shipped with tbh! I get unrequited mostly flirtatious vibes from Nikki in the teslaverse, maybe a casual relationship with Harley, and those are the only ones I can name rn! 

Does one have to ask to ship with you?: I really like this thing called communicating so I would appericate a mun to mun convo first! I do my best to be transparent and I ask over and over again to make sure everyone is having a good time. However I’m also very shy and tend to internalize things so if I don’t reach out I’m most likely in my head and too nervous to ask! Has nothing to do with the other mun tho! 

How often do you like to ship?: A L O T. I want to ship a hella lot more in the future tbh. Car is fun in all relationships; with men, women, platonic, romantic, sexual, etc.

Are you multiship?: Yep 

Are you ship obsessed or ship more-or-less?: I’m a bit in the middle, i ship when it’s comfy, it’s a disservice to myself to throw myself into a ship im not really into just for the sake of shipping.  

What is your favorite ship in your current fandom?: Harley x Joker because I like complexity and as much as I adore Harlivy, the hardcore shippers deter me from making it #1. don’t@me.

Finally, how does one ship with you?:

TAGGED BY: mi amor and the reason I watch any televison at all: @gxnsandtxlips

TAGGING:  @pb82 and I’m blanking on whoever else didn’t so ALL OF Y’ALL (tag me bc I’m a trash who love to read stuff like this)

#not today lay! #info hub #this was fun ty for the tagging!!