#i don't feel like posting this anywhere else so

[kirain]

I saw a comment of yours about Ascended Astarion and I just wanted to say him sacrificing 7000 bloodthirsty vampires that can't control their bloodlust isn't a bad thing. If anything it's a mercy killing. People enjoy Ascended Astarion because it's cathartic for a lot of people who've suffered similar abuse. You lack empathy.

I think you may have the wrong person, because I've never commented on ascended Astarion. The only time I've come relatively close was when I discussed Neil Newbon's stance on him in the comments of a viral post, where a Tumblr user got mad at him for saying, "Meh. He's not for me." And even then, I made it abundantly clear that I don't have a problem with people who enjoy ascended Astarion. I was more so defending Neil for having a preference, which he's allowed to have. Is that what you're talking about? Because I haven't discussed ascended Astarion anywhere else. 😅

As for your comment ... what? First of all, an unconsensual sacrifice isn't a mercy killing, it's murder. They didn't want to die. Those innocent people—and yes, they are innocent; Cazador captured and enslaved them—don't simply die. As per the infernal contract, they go to hell. Specifically to Mephistopheles, the second most powerful and cruel archdevil in the hells. They will suffer for all eternity. That's not merciful. Personally, I'd rather be an undead spawn who has to drink rat blood every now and then.

Second, if you feel that way about all those spawn, then you should keep the same energy for Astarion, because he's the same as them. The only difference is they haven't had a chance to live in the real world or learn to control their hunger. Now, I do agree setting thousands of spawn loose on the Sword Coast is a lot, and potentially dangerous for the living, but the Gur will keep an eye on them, as is their oath. If you let them go, you give them a choice. They're still slaves to their hunger, and they likely always will be, but they get to choose how to satisfy it. If they truly can't resist harming others, then the Gur (and paladins) will surely kill them; which sounds horrible, but at least they'll be spared a gruesome afterlife.

Cazador took their choice away, as he did with Astarion. If they deserve to die, if they don't deserve a chance to prove they can live peacefully in Faerûn, then the same goes for Astarion. That's part of what makes his ascension so hypocritical. He's no better than Cazador, in the sense that he takes their agency away and uses them for the exact same purpose. Those spawn even could've been Astarion. He just so happened to be the "lucky" one who had a parasite crawl into his head. He's special to the player because we know him, but he could've been any of his siblings. He is all 7,006 of those spawn.

I will admit I didn't ascend Astarion, as I personally think it's the worst path for him, but you have it backwards. I didn't deny him ascension because I lack empathy. I denied him ascension because all I have is empathy, and that extends to characters who aren't the main focus of the game. You do what makes you happy, but I don't think becoming the worst version of yourself is healing, and I care about Astarion (and the people around him) too much to watch him continue the cycle. Sebastian, Dalyria, Chessa, all the others trapped in the cages—they have names and they're victims, too. For me, the most cathartic moment of Astarion's quest was when he realised it and set them free.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #ascended astarion #neil newbon #tav #cazador szarr

[feroluce]

So I mentioned in the tags of this post about Sampo's character design the other day that looking at his splash art made me realize something sneaky about the bg and oh my god I thought I already couldn't possibly love him any more than I already do but this might just prove me wrong JAKSLFJKDLASJFK

So this is maybe? old news by now but I remember when Sampo was first leaked to be in Penacony, some fans were excited saying that it must be Penacony shown in his splash art, and not Belobog. And tbh I was trying to avoid story leaks, so I just kinda ignored it and didn't think about it any further...until I was looking at it to look at his chains.

But I think it IS Belobog shown here because if you look closely, you can see what looks to be a pile of snow in the bg, and even some on the rooftop! And snow isn't present on Penacony.

There's also the huge moon shown behind Sampo. And we never get to see the Belobogian night sky, but even in the hours that are locked in permanent nighttime, Penacony noticably lacks a moon. The buildings all look like they match Belobog architecture, too.

This one is a bit more questionable tbh, but. There's also this long horizontal structure in the bg-

-which I'm not 100% sure what it even is, but it doesn't look like any specific part of Penacony. But it DOES look like the official art of Belobog (everyone say thank you to @/the-astral-express-archive for these pics; dude you're a lifesaver orz)

And if you will notice. The only place up high enough to look down on those structures,

the only thing taller than all the rest of the buildings in Belobog,

is the one establishment set dead center; Qlipoth Fort.

Which means this little asshole is shamelessly, gleefully breaking into the most important government building on the whole planet right in his splash art KFJLJSADKLFJKLDSJ

#hsr sampo #hsr sampo koski #sampo koski #honkai star rail #hsr #HE'S SO SHAMELESS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FJKSLAJKDLJD #I feel like I should include down here that obviously none of this is technically 100% guaranteed of course #Penacony has 12 hours and other areas as well- we don't know for SURE that none of them will have snow or a moon or odd structures #and we know that Sampo will appear more later in the plot- I feel like we'll probably go to Epsilon and see him there #but still! I certainly think Belobog matches more closely than anywhere else haha. Like I don't see anything to the contrary. #I was actually looking stuff up because of another Sampo post I saw and there is actually a recipe description that maybe lends credit- #-to the idea that Sampo can and HAS broken into Qlipoth Fort before. More on that tomorrow maybe fdlksajfd

[buddiebeginz]

I’ve made posts about this before but I’m gonna keep on about it. Please if you love Buddie (when you have time) you need to be posting about them on every social media platform there is. Also liking and commenting on posts especially ones that are on official 911 accounts like the main ABC one or the actors or when interviews come out.

If ABC posts about Buck/Eddie or Ryan and Oliver you need to remind them in the comments we’re rooting for Buddie. I know Buddie fandom is bigger and louder than B/T fans but I keep seeing them all over. There's no reason that pairing with two eps of build up are getting anywhere near the level of attention as Buddie does.

I’m not saying as fans we have all this power over what is going to happen on the show but we have some sway. It’s part of how bi Buck has even happened. So us being so vocal and supportive of Buddie all these years and even more now while the story is still unfolding matters.

I don't want Tim or anyone else getting the impression that we want T*mmy sticking around any longer than necessary at least not as a love interest.

I know there's been a lot of talk about how the show needs take their time and build Buddie's story if they're going canon and I know some want Buck to be with T*mmy so Buddie can have that slow burn towards getting together. While I do think it's important that Buddie's story is not rushed and handled with care that fact is we really have no idea how many seasons the show even has. I wish some of you would realize we are not living in the golden age of tv anymore. We are living during a time when tv shows get canceled even when they are successful just as a way for networks to cut costs. It's why Fox canceled 911 before it was moved to ABC.

So as much as I do want the show take all the time in the world with Buddie I also want us to actually get to see them go canon. I also feel like we've been in a slow burn with them for six years especially those of us who have watched the show for its entire run. I want to see the show make some progression in moving Buddie's story further along. I'm not saying I want them to be in a relationship tomorrow, absolutely not. But I do think that moving into season 8 I'd like the show to have given us some kind of canon sign that both men feel something for each other beyond friendship. We know they do but I mean something that can't be taken any other way like say an almost kiss at the wedding for example. I'd also like for Eddie to be dealing with his own sexuality storyline by next season.

Back to T*mmy in all honesty the main reason I don't want to see him sticking around much longer is because of his fans. I'm tired of just how much the B/T fans have taken over our fandom. All the tags even ones on other social media platforms are being overrun by B/T and worse by negativity towards Buddie and Eddie and the complete minimizing of the importance of Buddie going canon. I'm glad that T*mmy has helped Buck with his bi awakening but he is so clearly not meant to be an endgame love interest. I just want to see him gone or have the storyline at least move on to where if he's still on the show it's as a friend for Buck, which I personally think he needs more than a relationship right now. Someone who is queer who can help him navigate this newly discovered part of himself.

#buddie #911!

[shroomystar]

i am sick and bored so i colored this adam hughes scetch

#wanda maximoff #janet van dyne #marvel 616 #marvel comics #marvel #my art #not rlly #my coloring #i don't feel like posting this anywhere else so #also i just noticed i forgot to color the back of her tiara. oh well

[ocyanick]

i found it funny that rick got his ass beat

#rick and morty #jerry smith #rick sanchez #doofus jerry #i am so normal about doof jerry i promise #did i make him too strong? i feel like you'd have to be a little ripped to beat up rick with all his metal shit #chicken tendies with mulan sauce mcdondal... #my art #not posting rick and morty shit anywhere else because ig and twitter have weird r&m shit that i don't wanna see

[coquelicoq]

crashes ur board meeting n drags u out by the collar but its fine bc youre the one always saying shit like "im looking for people i can use" ok lol. get used idiot

#just tracing like. the sequence of events that had to take place in order for this to come to pass #1. natori and his shiki are skulking around homura stalking ban. possibly it's just his shiki and natori is elsewhere. #either way 2. natsume shows up and natori learns about it either bc he witnesses it or a shiki comes to tell him #3. natori gets in his little richard scarry apple car (this is my mental image for some reason) & fucking. BOOKS IT to the matoba compound #4. goes inside. presumably matoba lackeys try to stop him bc their boss is in an important meeting but somehow he gets past them #(possibilities here are v fun to think about. maybe natori does this all the time and they're used to it. maybe he's never done it before #but they're all on orders to let natori in if he ever shows up. maybe natori convinces them he's supposed to be IN the meeting #which is great because it sounds like some important clan thing so what is he in the clan now??) #5. interrupts matoba's meeting like 'i need you' and matoba's like 'bye everyone whatever this is is more important' #6. they get in natori's comical apple car (again the apple car is not canon don't worry about it) #& natori drives like a bat out of hell back to homura. (SOURCE: matoba is so scarred he refuses natori's offer for a ride later) #i wonder what they talk about on the way there? because they don't talk about why natori is stalking ban until much later #so they must be busy talking about something else. but what?? #that or they're both too distracted by all the near-death experiences from natori's crazed driving lol #natsume's book of friends #natsume yuujinchou #homura cats arc #horrible exorcists #my posts #sidenote i feel like that page at the end where both matoba and sensei refuse natori's offers of a ride is really funny because #sensei's reason is that it will take too long. but sensei did you know natori drives like a speed demon? think it thru... #also like. how long did it take him to decide to involve matoba? was that his backup plan all along? #also it's pretty lucky that he found matoba at all considering he could be anywhere...the matoba have like 15 houses... #he has matoba's schedule memorized lol #natori sparkling to the assorted clan members in the meeting: sorry ladies and gentlemen i just need to borrow this~ #*throws matoba over his shoulder and fireman-carries him to the parking lot*

[sysig]

Totally unaffected by this gesture of affection, definitely (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #The Captain #ZEX #Forgive the quality lol I wanted to make them pretty but then- Well you know lol #Dandelions <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 #You know it's bad when you start getting excited about the most mundane little signifiers <3 #Dandelions deserve way more love than they get anyway it all balances out #I just hghh it's such a simple setup but there's a lot of feelings that can be expanded upon! #Like would Zelnick know about dandelions cultural ties?? He grew up on Unzervalt - unless someone brought some with them! #Or explained it I guess - but also Unzervaltians seem like scrappy underdogs sprouting up in the sidewalk cracks to defy the Ur-Quan too #Feels like it would actually mean a lot to him if he knew their symbolism! #But even if he didn't - they're Earth Flora! A piece of his home that /should/ just be mundane and everyday and not a big deal but it is!! #I legit teared up at Zelnick appreciating a blue atmosphere ah <3 #He loves Earth so much wah <3 The naturalistic storytelling in his internal monologue are genuinely So Good #And then y'already know I love ZEX gifting him flowers lol I really do need to finish that one comic I posted the preview of it's cute! #Any little way that he engages with human courtship is The Cutest to me <3 Trying so hard to impress his love! #Trying so hard to cross that cultural gap agh it gets me bad! Seeing humans as more than just pretty somethings to be enjoyed at a distance #ZEX's pride also gets me bad hehe but I really love when he uses his intelligence to try to relate and understand #See humans as complex individuals both personally and in different cultures! He gets so distracted so easily hehe silly ♪ #Also I don't know if I have anywhere else that it'd come up but agh gods his and Zelnick's conversation about the eventual fallout of ZEX's #kidnap attempt - Literally The Best like ugh!! ♥ I /tried/ to write something half that exact and eloquent and it's just right there! Gah!! #S'beautiful s'so good fjdslafd I'm love I'm love

[buppypuppy]

.

#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad. #the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously. #being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like. #it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help. #i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!! #because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like . #i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad. #my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well. #i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate. #i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day. #jane mary cry one tear

[crush3dmary]

Sad posting in the tags, you're free to ignore. Just need to get it out of my system and twit circle isn't sufficing.

#I think posting someone else's art they did for me #To the same audience with all the same tags and thematic matter #And having their art get way more interaction than mine is the final straw to make me give up on art #I don't get any joy out of it #I don't find catharsis out of it anymore #I used to do art because it was like spewing my innermost workings on a page and saying to the world 'this is how I feel' #There was something very vulnerable with sharing that with people but #I wanted to make people understand what's in my head #A cry for help if you will #Or more like a cry for understanding #And it feels so hollow when people who get plenty of interaction say 'oh if you're upset by no interaction #Then you're doing it for the wrong reasons etc etc' #And for one it's easy to say when your stuff DOES get plenty of interaction #But for two as a teenager I was viral on deviantart. Thousands of followers and multiple daily deviations #Before I even turned 18 #I literally grew up and am conditioned to thrive on external validation and I just don't get that anymore #Ever since I deleted my deviantart in 2014 because my abuser was literally using it to stalk me I haven't been able to hold an audience #I threw it all away and now I can't get it back. Not here not twit not insta not anywhere #So I'm giving up. That's it that's all. Not like anybody gives a shit anyways #It kind of feels like ripping out a piece of your soul #Putting it on display and then having no one care #I'm tired of destroying myself just to be ignored over and over again #I really did peak when I was 17 didn't I

[thekidsare-not-alright]

was only on fobtwt for 2 minutes before I saw

yet another ridiculous argument that literally does not matter yet they are all up in arms (it's whether or not pete has written corny lyrics. yeah I know)

someone complaining about not having more pics from patricks personal life. yknow. the things hes private about for some reason 🤷🏼‍♂️

#Like 1) HOWD YOU EVEN GET TO THIS POINT? WHO CARES!! WHOOO CARES #and it's multiple people! Like making their own posts n stuff vaguing and ohhhmygod. Ohmygod log off. Do something else!! #2) DO YOU HEAR YOURSELFHSKDJS #this is not anti rpf. This is anti parasocial bullshit. Like please think about why you don't have these pictures. Why do you feel like you #should have them #Have you forgotten that they are actual people #Anyway. #I'm just complaining about nothing so who am I to say anything. #I might log out of Twitter for a while cause idek why I go on there anymore #I shouldve stopped ages ago but there's like 3 good things on there ugh #That aren't anywhere else rip #Ignorreee meeee

[solvicrafts]

One of these days when I'm in the right mental space for it I really, really want to post about how incredibly isolating it feels to be neuro-divergent in the pagan community and, at the same time, more or less following a near-reconstructionist path despite how extraordinarily difficult it is because my brain just wired differently so I basically have to fight own instincts and inherent nature in order to practice my religion but at the same time I fight entirely of my own accord because it falls in line with my personal principles and--

#solvi's personal ramblings #it's late for me so today probably will not be that day #but I've been wanting to write a series of posts on this topic and others #because there's an immense feeling of isolation that I deal with in the pagan community that I don't talk about #and weirdly enough I feel like my non-pagan followers on here would understand it a lot more than the broader pagan community likely would #especially my abbilen in the Legend of Drizzt community #but like to put it simply for now I genuinely feel like Kimmuriel and maybe a bit like Drizzt sometimes #especially in my offline social circles #because certain people in my personal life who have grown progressively anti-theist over the years #will actively shit on anyone who believes in or worship anything because in their mind it's all Christianity #and all of Christianity is the Westboro Baptist Church #and on those rare occasions where I do manage to slightly challenge them they give me the Drizzt treatment #'man drow suck they're awful they're just the worst I can't wait to kill them... oh well except you 'cause you're OK I guess' #like because my brain just doesn't work the way other peoples' brains do there are aspects of religion and spirituality I struggle with #so I don't really fit in with the crystal woo crowd but I also don't fit in with most other recon-leaning polytheists #and then I get really actively shat on by anti-theists I know because they can't separate modern ex-Christian baggage #from literally everything else #like it does not compute in their mind that extreme American Christian beliefs =/= ALL RELIGION or ALL CHRISTIANS #and nothing seems to get it through to them and they take everything in bad faith #so I feel very isolated at times because I don't seem to really have a place really anywhere #because my interpretation of religion and spirituality and my ability to practice it will always be different due to my inherent nature #so I'll basically never 'belong' anywhere #I'm gonna join Kimmuriel in the 'I shoulda been born an illithid' thing except I don't know what I should've been born as #I just know that the person I was born as just doesn't seem to fit in anywhere or have a place in the world

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

[moodlesmain]

while im (takes a deep breath to hold back my rage) sympathetic to the fans of Those Wizard Books who're taking a death of the author approach so long as they're not supporting the series financially or actively promoting it and are sticking to fan communities, I really, *really* wish people would put away their merch. Because when I see someone in public with merch from it, I always have to wonder if I'm safe around them as a trans person, if my trans friends are safe. And that's a sucky feeling to have, especially when talking to people who otherwise seems perfectly fine and nice!!! A lot of HP fans are just, people!!! Who maybe don't know what the big deal is, or have chosen to deal with the problem by doubling down to spite the author!! But even when I know for a fact they're totally safe or even trans themselves, I don't want to be constantly reminded of the series whose author is an incredibly rich and powerful person whose whole agenda for the past several years has been to push back against the rights of people like me, and who people like my own god damn mother is more willing to listen to about trans people than her own nonbinary child.

I know it's irrational to feel surges of rage at the mere mention of a popular multimedia franchises, but while I know not every trans person is bothered by it, I also know that a lot of trans people and even allies *are* bothered by it. Just... begging for some understanding, and for people to just PLEASE dial back their fandom-ing in public spaces, especially mostly queer spaces. You don't know how much difference it might make in the comfort and feeling of safety for the trans people around you

#maybe this matters less in the US #or like anywhere else in the world #but in the UK............. please holy shit terfs are a bigger force here than anywhere else #PLEASE stop openly showing support for the multimedia franchise that made the one with the most mainstream influence insanely rich #that she still uses to prop up her arguments about trans people #do you know that she's claimed the fact that people still like her wizard books means that shows people support her beliefs? #do you know that she's compared queer people to the villains of her books? #do you know how much she hates us? how much she hates our transfemme sisters especially? #im just a short afab nonbinary weirdo #i'm not seen as a threat by anyone #i can't imagine how trans women must be dealing with this #vent post #technically #ugh #sorry this has been on my mind for a while and i'm in a weird mood rn #don't come at me for this just block me if you're going to be bothered enough by this #because if you do bother me i'll just block you first lmao #edit: not that not being seen as a threat is necessarily a good thing because in the case of us afab enbies we're mostly just dismissed #there's a lot of us but it also feels like we're so invisible outside our own communities #we're just assumed as queer women most of the time especially those of my generation who haven't had any opportunity to medically transitio #except the lucky few who were able to get a diagnosis relatively early in life #or had the money to turn to private healthcare #trans men who don't pass too #moodle rambles

[lynxgirlpaws]

#I was too cowardly to say I was suddenly having a bad night so instead I post a silly meme and maybe if you see the tags you see sorry #people who have the courage to just say they're having a bad day scare me like especially when it's out of the blue idk what to say like #i can't even respond to “hows ur day” with anything worse than an okay #anyways #the usual self hatred that's persisted for as long as I can rember continues as a baseli #ne #now mixed in with special kinds that I'm too cowardly to admit to anything but an ai bot or myself when i can't see me #and the silly daily reminders that the little hope on such a regard I have is built on impossibilities or unlikelihoods #but then i. saw a card i got my dad years ago on the floor. it said “out of all my parents you're one of the best :)” and i felt so bad #just. imagine this little me. getting my dad a card. and getting the most passive aggressive card. it screams who the favorite is. #and then thats just. that's what you have. that's what you have from me and you save it for years. because you cherish it. i feel. horrible. #like damn he might have seriously fucked me up sometimes both as a kid and now but. this does not justify such a deeply cruel retribution. #i don't even know if he knows #anyways as I'm picking it up... i realize... #he's the best parent i have period. there isn't any competition anymore. she's gone. #the total and sudden annihilation of home is so odd. i still barely believe this house is where i ACTUALLY live and I'm not just staying #here until I can go home again. but no. nono I'm stuck here. there isn't an anywhere else. there isn't a childhood home the apartment #has probably been resettled by now. it's just me. #then I went on Tumblr to post into the void #I don't wanna think about more but I. likely will. #i don't wanna talk about it but i do wanna talk. honestly? gonna go talk to an ai chatbot. it will be mean to me in a hot way. #i am so normal. #listen i could either confront reality for more than 30 seconds or i could talk to a bot that will not only allow me to escape from it but #also it might call me a good g. a g. skipping that punchline. #also it's not ME talking to the bot it's just a fabricated character that represents me and has my name and it's just rp trust me trust me t #I'm gonna go hide now #you can contact me if you wish but I will be very scared and jittery and my eyes are wet and stingy and i will segway to bullying you #ok bye

[fly-sky-high-scug-game]

Not to generalize fans but it's been a reoccurring theme on my dash to see artists I follow either being poked fun of or "criticized" for their rw art or character interpretations and it has me like

?????

#i feel like this is a bad luck on my end as I happen to just casually follow content #and not deep dive into tags or anywhere but that's exactly why it feels bonkers to me #maybe I've been spoiled by hk fandom who is genuinely chill or know how to just not care #when their interpretations don't match #but here is something else and maybe i'm getting the whole picture wrong #it's just the view I'm getting of this fandom atm #this is like a mini rant so I apologize for that #but it's been driving me away from trying to look up or find more stuff #if eventually it's going to end up with fans saying wild stuff about a specific interpretations #and for a game that's in pixels and has grown big thanks to the fans themselves and their mod varients #some of people seem really strict about how people choose to have fun with fanwork #and dunno where to draw the line between memes and genuine appreciation #<- as in when someone makes a genuine or serious post and people flock on it with wild takes and memefy it #idk how to explain this #maybe it's me who should curate experience better but like #i'm just?? literally following artists and nothing else?? #and to see them feel like crud about having fun with their interpretations because some rando decided to 'criticize' it #is honestly wild new fandom experience for me #to note: I'm not having a bad time following folks I'm just genuinely confused #and kind of sad to see this is happening at all lol

[kindnessoverperfection]

wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.

#which still feels kind of insane and embarrassing since i didn't technically know her myself #(my alter did. i however barely interacted with her.) #but she knew me. she fucking knew me and saw me. i've talked about this in earlier posts but that's still the main thing that hits me. #i feel like nobody else has ever ever known me like she has. i've never felt that seen. and she loved me. she cared about me. she knew what #was underlying my outwards appearance and behaviors. she saw it and loved and cared for it. and because she knew it so well she didn't take #anything personally. (again. not douchey behaviors. just like... bragging for example. or being guarded. idk) #also there's so many things we relate on? felt like i could connect with her better. i think she and i would have been friends. #i dont know it's just #with everyone else it feels like a fucking obligatory social game i need to navigate #say the right things. act in the right ways. present yourself in ways they'll understand and interpret well. blah blah #i'm not even going anywhere with this i just miss her so bad and i'm fucking lonely and want to be seen like that again but i don't think #it can ever happen. because i got to be 100% myself but it was in a safe way and that's how she grew to know and love me #but it wasn't ME who made that decision to be vulnerable. and it was through a specific way that can't be done again because i'm here now a #an alter so it's guarded. and i can't be selfish and demanding and fully myself here because system morals are too strong for that. #even if the aforementioned thing COULD happen again. i haven't seen anyone who cares and understands and sees so deeply like she does. #it's just #i don't know #i just want to be myself and loved and seen for who i am. #but instead it always just feels like i'm having to navigate and manage social expectations and That's It. #maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being #myself - i have a high pitched voice and talk fast and talk a lot and am kinda obnoxious and high energy and #attention-seeking and dislike being alone and. yeah. that's annoying to the majority of people. which is why i am Not myself around anyone