#i don't recognize myself anymore...

[nklsdttr]

*

#* ... / out . #i just want to feel okay again #i hate this I really do i was doing so well for a really long time and now #i don't recognize myself anymore... #negativity / #mental illness mention /

[clonerightsagenda]

Ok I swear I will go to bed after this and I have made basically this same post before but while people talk a lot about Vimes' possession by a spirit of vengeance, I love the storyline of Tiffany getting possessed by an entity of desperate desire. She spends the whole book out of her element, struggling to fit in socially, wanting something to hide behind, and the hiver feels the same way. It's formless and helpless without a body to wear, and all it wants is to accumulate whatever will keep itself safe. It doesn't realize what that does to everyone around it. It's our id. It gives us what we want, even when it's not what we need.

And Tiffany gets her body taken over and watches herself threaten and steal and kill, forced to acknowledge that these actions stem from what the hiver sees in her, and when she gets free she pities it. She understands what it means to be scared and alone and ruled by your worst impulses. She gives it a name. She takes its metaphorical hand and helps it through the door. (And then accidentally gets stuck in the land of the dead and has to get dragged back, man Tiff what is it with you and underworlds). God I love her.

#the image of like.... showing the worst parts of yourself mercy and understanding #naming it. looking it full on #like looking at an old coping mechanism or anxiety or what have you #and going you did your job. you got me through the danger #you're maladaptive now and I don't need you anymore #but I will recognize you as a part of me. I will hold your hand as we walk through the door #I'll die a death and then I'll turn around and go back to life #discworld #perpetual perpetual ladies night #i have work tomorrow I need to peel myself off this laptop and stop tiffanyposting

[broodsys]

was watching a show and realized I have more chest hair than some cis men

and like... it's not a competition ofc, that's silly, and masculinity is not defined in any one way, also silly, but it's interesting af to me how changeable bodies rly are

#i don't even talk about my transition anymore bc i am and have been at the point where I'm just perfectly comfortable with myself #i don't even rly think about it in a good way #altho it is nice to recognize how content i am :')

[theguiltinessisyours]

I usually avoid writing anything personal on this blog bc it isn't meant for that but I want to rant a little/write my thoughts.

I suspect I might have ADHD. For almost my entire life I never thought I'd be worried about that, since I wasn't really that hyperactive and did relatively well in school. I had this false image of what someone with ADHD looks like (which is a boy who never ever stops moving and screams all the time). Now as I got older, some symptoms that could be possible indicators of ADHD got more and more extreme and are actually piling up to impact literally every day in my life: procrastination but not in an "everybody does this" kind of way but in a "this actually had serious consequences for me" kind of way. (Finances and stuff. yikes) I wrote my assignment (which we had FOUR MONTHS for) in the span of two days without sleeping and then thought I'd failed 😃 I regularly ghost everyone I know and love and I myself don't even know why. I constantly feel stressed bc I want to do stuff, even things that brings me joy and then I just. don't. It's horrible.

Well, I it kind of escalated and I got to a counselor, who literally 15 minutes in my first session asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with ADHD. I now have to call an actual psychiatrist if I wanted a diagnosis (which ha of course I'm avoiding atm). Idk if that would accomplish anything or not but I feel like I would feel better if I saw it on paper.

But. There still is that fucking part of me that's like. You're overreacting. I guess it kinda stems from the stigma and from everyone screaming about "everyone has ADHD" today but what if I don't have it. Like. I feel like I'm going crazy but what if it's really just lazyness? Again, I know this is irracional but I can't help it. Augh. If anyone sees this and maybe is diagnosed with ADHD, if you'd like you can tell me how you went about it <3

#it sucks so much I don't know anymore #like I feel if I'm trying to find an excuse but at the same time I recognize myself in soo many symptoms #adhd #executive dysfunction

[dearanpo]

Lady moon sends you a little card with an invitation❣️ she wrote it with an ink pen (that she believes might've broken down already because it got a bit uncomfortable to write with it in the middle) And so forgive the messiness, she did her best

first of all good evening to my dear lady moon 💗 i wish to ask her if she is still holding the tea party from yesterday because i would love to join her anytime. Can you please tell her from me that her handwriting is fascinating and her ink pen is really cool (when it doesn't spit ink on her paper and makes it hard for her!), and that i wouldn't change a single thing about this, even the messiness?

about her invitation oh lord i Accept and i would accept in every world because she can take me anywhere she likes, and i would still adore it in fact.. i could really give my soul for some of her magical cookies and THE TEA FROM HERBS!! i want to have all of this with her and our catdeer friend 🩷 tell her i could really use a small eternity right now so i can spend it with her in the rotunda. just seeing her charming calligraphic letters with the spirals and the extra designs in the edges like her favorite spiral brush makes me twirl my hair and kick the air and do spinnies around the room, no matter the circumstance!!!!!

take care always ☀️

- your traveller

#tag 1 #tag 2 #tag 3 #there's definitely only tags here #my lady moon. #can you tell her i am very blessed to be her traveller and that i want us to talk until my eyes are aching for sleep and my only vision #is her like a dream. like i don't know if i'm sleeping or awake anymore and my mind skips everything else but her #and my heart wants to adorn hers with the little beauty my existence still possesses before i blend in with the mist of oblivion #can you tell her i am helplessly enchanted by her #and that i would do so much to see her happy that i wouldn't even recognize myself in my braveness #tag 4 #tag 5

[master-k0hga]

| T A M I R A |

[ Category: The Promised Land ]

| This is Tamira, or Tammy for short before I actually gave her a full on name lmao- She's the partner of the chieftain of the Frostclaw Traders tribe, Takeshi. Tammy runs a Pharmacy with Andy as her assistant (a previous boy I introduced like a while ago); She is very good when it comes to medical diagnostics and even making her own healing and medicinal remedies too! Which are a very recommended source of keeping yourself safe from sickness and injuries in the harshest bone chilling winter of the Glacier Mountains Resort (and just in the cold mountains in general, it can get really ruthless out there!)

... Hoping I'll ever be able to actually draw the landscapes of this land someday cuz poorly putting it into words does it no justice and writing and describing environments is definitely NOT my strong suit whatsoever.. I draw for a fcking reason, words don't bode well for my struggling brain

... Fun fact, she is my second trans female OC that I have.... I'mean it's not rly a fun fact since nobody gives a damn but I love her very much and I really enjoy her design quite a lot here! Ofc like all my other OCs who are part of the Frostclaw, she was also a Yiga roughly during the time BotW first came out.. Still was trans then as she is now but just part of a personal project for me now-

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

INFO

Name: Tamira Species: Ice Elf General Personality: Shy, timid, supportive, easy going, hardworking, friendly, empathetic Height: 7ft "2" Relationship Status: In a relationship

Extra Info:

Works and is in charge of the Pharmacy along with anything relating to medical and hospitality within the small town; And her staff mainly consist of not only average healthy lifestyles, but also those who have had history or a rough past of health complications or addictions

She's also a part time therapist and assistant for the leader of the town, who is also her partner; Takeshi. She files and deals with important phone calls and paperwork whilst he is better and more vocal with meetings with other outside leaders and such

She loves to sew in her free time, it soothes her and definitely helps with her stresses of life and her job, which is the burden of carrying everyone's problems and health; Which she believes she has to deal with herself, to which she really doesn't and has been told several times by her protective boyfriend. It's also thanks to Tammy for the productive and comfortable design and advantage the clothing that the Frostclaw wear

Her mother died from an illness when she was young and her father had eventually succumbed to his dementia when he got older, she never got the chance to tell her parents of her coming out as trans years ago. Not caring whether they would've accepted her or not since she would have Takeshi to support her, she personally believes there is now unfinished business with her parents

Enjoys hot baths, however needs to bathe by herself as she is still self conscious about her body

Has gotten angry, like full on angry on a couple of occasions; One time getting mad at her assistant at the Pharmacy she runs (Andy) for being rather discriminatory about one of her then clients at the time, safe to say he kept his mouth shut about judging others and overtime started being influenced by Tammy's empathic nature.. Even though he's still a dick

Is a vegetarian, she used to eat meat from time to time as a kid however became very off put by it one day when she was in her teens after accidentally witnessing someone from the outside walls disrespectfully mutilate a lamb. She has not eaten meat since and has gone for more animal free alternatives to most products like butter, milk and cheese

Her grandparents owned a farm just outside the town that she sometimes manages along with a couple other volunteers; She has at least two of some animals likes pigs, cows, sheep, chickens and goats along with a few other critters that are not known nor exist in our worlds. Her grandparents passed the rights to the farm to her in their will before they died.

Despite not doing it directly to hurt something or someone but in case she is in need of defending herself; She's actually rather skilled with a bow, even going so far as to shoot three arrows at a time. Only times she's ever "used" it however was to ward off potential trespassers or poachers trying to get close to her grandparent's farm; Especially as said farm is now under the protection of the Golden Palace

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

I think that's all I have for her right now, I didn't really have all that much for Tammy when I started re-purposing my former Yiga OCs back on DA, I was pretty much starting out on trying to figure out what I wanted to do for them at the time so... Pretty much this is her new purpose now, I think it kinda fits for someone such as her... She's free, but she also has morals that more people definitely need in this world..

Now I just need to finish off her boyfriend Takeshi since his re-design sketch has been sitting collecting dust in my files for literal months.. I think I made him before Tammy as well so like?? Weird tbh??

But he's just his stoic and kinda scary, while also being a very kind self so... Yeah Idk..

. Tamira, Art © Me . DON’T RE-POST .

#MASTER-K0HGA #Ary / Kohga Chronicles #Ary / Kohga OCs and Works #Tammy #Tamira #OC #transfemale #trans #Ice Elf #Frosclaw #Frostclaw Traders #The Promised Land #Original Character #My OC #My Character #My Art #Fandomless #Just realized I don't rly need to use the re-post tags anymore cuz now I'm actually getting to new stuff now or new versions of my OC #drawings that I'm posting on this blog here.. So from here on out even if you recognize an OC of mine somewhat... I'm most likely re-drawin #them anyways cuz some old designs are kinda not good.... Like at all in my opinion so Idk... oh well don't matter #I feel like I'm actually almost close to done when it specifically comes to the Frostclaw tribe #Cuz as I said all of them were Yiga OCs one time before I decided to re-purpose them officially and stuff back on DA.. #But I believe I just have the odd few to get on with then they'll be all done for now til I've completely finish off all my OC refs and stu #Then I can get on with proper like world building. lore and all that sorts afterwards! #Which I'm kinda looking forward to but also dreading at the same time cuz I am not rly good with stuff other than OCs and #Humanoid like designs and characters.... And tbh I'm doing this all by myself. I have no one helping me here so I know it's gonna be like.. #Wonky... In some areas and whatnot... But anyways that's enough from me for tonight- I'm already tired and I just got on my laptop today #.... Not like this won't already be over a week or a month since the last art spam anyways.. And nobody looked at any of it last time...! #So... Yeah... Whatever... Not like I have anybody to speak to anyways so whatever who cares...-

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

i love posting fob with a sense of detachment as if they weren't like my top artist on spotify wrapped 2021 i listen to a Staggering amount of fob for someone that doesn't really consider themselves a fan <3

#typical of someone that grew up on their first four albums and literally doesn't recognize what they became after the hiatus #i'm not hating on you if ur a post hiatus fob enjoyer like you do you but that's not my experience LMAO #and part of why i don't rly consider myself a Fan anymore

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

If there is at least one thing I can credit FE for doing better than Tales in localization, it's not trying to actively go out of their way for an entire game to avoid subtext or direct text between two men that is romantic or implied romantic. Funny when it's so present that the attempt doesn't even work; infuriating that it was attempted to begin with.

So as much as I often have issues with some of FE's localizations, at least they have a leg up on loc Tales for that.

#DCB Comments #imagine changing entire sentences and vocal tones just to try to avoid it #if anything I'd say at least in FE the locs just... keep what's there like #they could've toned Soren and Houses Yuri down and they didn't. they just kept their lines or in some cases #especially with Houses Yuri I'd say leaned into them #have to specify bc Houses Yuri got to keep his bi agenda. Vesperia Yuri had the unfortunate issue of #the loc not wanting to keep his gay and trying reeeeally hard to avoid it #including altering entire sentences to avoid any woe is them misunderstandings about men having feelings for each other #meanwhile Houses Yuri is free to call men cute and lo and behold everyone loved that for him #they removed and altered a LOT of Vesperia Yuri's personality traits #(including any ability to express real sadness or fear bc woe is them if he's not a cool edgy man) #but they also really changed his tone toward Flynn PLUS some of what they say to each other #and twisted it to make it sound like Yuri was either angry or wasn't actually emotional abt him #forget the way they brought Grant George in for the DE release and made him sound just completely DEAD with zero personality #like. I can tolerate playing Houses dubbed despite my gripes with it (story based stuff) #it didn't feel like they were trying to alter LBGT+ aspects and they even for some rly leaned into it #basically if you haven't played Vesperia Yuri is... really gay coded. the loc pretended not to notice #in fact he's queer + gay coded bc and doesn't fit male gender norms and the gacha games LOVE that with his hair/outfits #Rays mind you is JP only bc it was shut down very quickly in the west and Vesp Yuri's story in Rays is uh #basically it centers around Flynn he loses his shit to protect Flynn and they do the usual like #don't-admit-it's-gay-outright in fictional media by using the ''Yuri's important person'' shtick #but he activates a special power in the middle of utterly raging to get Flynn back from their enemies #funny thing? that game never made it to that arc. I was told in about five months the western ver would've gotten that #but in some way I'm glad it didn't bc who knows how they would've tried to spin that #It's BAFFLING to me how you can get characters in Tales like JAY but the locs shake in their boots at the idea of queer gays #but given how allergic fictional media is to admitting a male character is gay -gestures to Ike and Vesp Yuri- #I'm not surprised I'm just actually angry that the locs try to censor homosexual relationships as much as possible even when they barely ca #if anyone does know Vesp Yuri and is confused on why I'm calling him gay coded despite what the dub did with Judith feel free to ask #bc I do ship them a little bit myself! but I just recognize that canon wise I really can't see him as anything but gay-demiromantic #but again at least FE locs don't shake in their boots anymore abt same sex pairs including men (side eyes Lucius/Raven)

[cure-papaya]

I think part of the whole minori thing i have going on is kind of odd cause she's not really that much like me now. Sure there are some superficial similarities to how i currently behave but there's also a large gap. (one of my current friends said i reminded them of erika for reference)

but she was me at 14, and this is reason she isn't me now because i've been forced to (for better or for worse) change myself and become someone who doesn't recognize who they are when compared to my past self.

She's me before i lost myself to masking before the majority of my worst years which left me scared and irrevocably a different person. Frozen in amber she's the piece of me i feel like isn't there anymore and want to one day find again. The authentically autistic and weird girl

And tropical rouge as it is gets me so emotional because throughout the whole series it's reinforced through laura and co that there's nothing wrong with how she is.

minori isn't me, but maybe one day I'll find that part again

#not art #delete later #feel free to ignore this i've just been realizing things lately #like how i don't recognize myself anymore and am trying to regain the person once was

[imwritesometimes]

starting smoking was the easiest and worst thing I ever did for myself. But quitting smoking was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself.

#idk man having thoughts. #I kinda feel like I don't give myself enough credit for this lmao like #I smoked for 15 years #I loved cigarettes. a lot. so much. I used to joke I should be able to joint file taxes w/cigarettes. they were my longest relationship. #there was NOTHING better than going out on the back patio in the summer #drinking a bottle of chianti. smoking half a pack of smokes. late at night. my brother used to call it my #'italian summer' routine lmao #I loved cigarettes more than some ppl love their family #and I don't do that anymore! I had to actively work to rewire my OWN brain like #finished a meal. guess what we're NOT doing now. finished putting on makeup. guess what we're NOT doing now #finished dishes. laundry. vacuuming. just got home from ANYTHING. gotta get ready for bed. and on and on and on #I did that! no nicorette. no hypnotism. no other weird shit. just me. recognizing patterns and actively working to rewrite them. #sometimes it pays to do the hard thing

[kashmirichaiwithmehr]

.

#found vids of myself playing guitar from a few years ago (early covid) #and tell me why I'm so emotional #1. i miss playing guitar like that #2. i looked sooooo different #3. i was in a deep depression #4. i thought i sounded bad when i sang along with the guitar -> #(im not a singer by any means but i write songs as a hobby) #and my voice has changed soooo much in that i was singing at a higher range than i should've been #and omg the songs i wrote and played 😭😭😭😭😭 #why am i listening to them and crying over the emotions the music is making me feel and watching/listening to myself #this is so personal i need to document this feeling #i don't recognize that girl anymore #maybe that's a good thing #but i still miss her #mehrtalks

[chattahoochiecoochie]

y’all i did something bad

#i wrote x reader 😭 #I'm sorry I'm so sorry i don't recognize myself anymore

[notsosecretlyalesbian]

6 am and I've already made the bed and showered... what have I become??

#it's like i don't even recognize myself anymore #this comes from someone who'd sleep in jeans in high school just to get that 5 extra minutes of sleep

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

instinct to be mystical and ungovernable, to deal in the occult, believe a little in every conceivable deity, and make bold claims of being myth myself vs genuine faith in and love for Hashem, King of the universe and my One G-d, and desire to be Jewish and follow Halakha to the best of my abilities, fight

#sfw #personal #ok to reblog #Maws & Judaism #It feels strange because I've been so deep in that tumblr culture and built my identity in that but I genuinely want this above the old #And I recognize now that a lot of what I was interacting with was specifically a rebellion against xianity #Which among other things becomes a rejection of monotheism and it was a beautiful agnostic mess of endless possibilities #And I believe it's anyone's right to thrive in that if that is what they want (and even Jewish people can do it) #But I don't think I want to keep it & it feels so weird because I existed so long in a context where it was the only thing that made sense #and it became part of my identity and I thought it always would be. But there's not much inherently me about it. #It was me because I existed in a context where that was the popular way to be weird and creepy and it appealed to me for that reason. #But upon entering a more Jewish context it feels wrong. Because now I'm in the context of a monotheistic religion *I like*. #And all those things rejecting monotheism or religion just don't make sense anymore. #But they're almost instinct now. So it's like. A whole thing and I need to remind myself like oh yeah that no longer makes sense to say. #tw religion

[maplesyrizzup]

I would love to know what I look liked relaxed. Awake, I don't think I've ever fully relaxed since I was a teen. There's always tension in my shoulders, I'm constantly on alert. I just wanna know what I look like truly relaxed.

#maybe then id recognize myself in the mirror #I couldn't describe my face to you. to anyone. I don't really know what I'm supposed to look like anymore #aprils rambles

[potato-elf]

.

#we won't offer you anymore therapy unless we test you for autism/personality disorders #personal #vent post #I think I've fucked up #I don't think I'll be able to finish writing my thesis this year (again) #I've been having such A Time(TM) mental health-wise this year #relationship of 5 years ended #finally admitted to myself I was pretty fucking depressed #tried to get back into therapy for it #but got hit with the #fell for one of my best friends and have a complicated (non-exclusive) relationship with him even when he told me he's not in love with me #which I don't want to stop but also recognize probably isn't healthy for me in the long run #my psychiatrist accidentally ghosted me for a while while I ran out of both antidepressants and adhd meds #I've been picking up my social life again while also trying and often failing at keeping my living space clean and tidy #because my ex used to have that under control way better than I ever did and took much of that on him #but now I've fallen so far behind on my thesis that I just get too overwhelmed whenever I even think about it #I'm over a month behind by now #and I have less than a month left before I need to hand in my first version #my adhd has not been managed in the slightest lately either #I'm just stuck in a perpetual state of either paralysis or avoidance #and I'm not sure how to cope with this stuff #I've been studying for 6 years by now #this is the second time I've tried to write my thesis #this time around with no other courses to follow beside it #and I still can't do it #I'm starting to feel so fucking miserable about this stuff #I wish I had a fucking functional brain for once in my life #not even the adhd meds help me most days and I feel like my antidepressants might not work as well as they should anymore #but I'm so done with changing up my meds all the time as well. they've often been disastrous for me and I'm afraid of changing them again #I don't know what I want in life either