#i dont mean to hurt anyones feelings

[raisinushigher]

am i just so far gone with these two that i can barely correctly comprehend anything they do toward eachother as normal casual interaction anymore or was this actually topher being worried about abe

#bc like…….. in my mind #topher is SUPER like way overprotective of abe. both in the way that he doesn’t want him to get hurt #and he also doesnt like anyone else getting really close to him but he’s calmed down with that one a little #and to me this is one of those moments where topher would 1000% just drop everything #if he thinks abe is in actual danger #dont talk about it much bc i hate them yada yada but seriously i love just… thinking about the most mushiest take on them as possible #like topher is legit in love with abe ya know hes never felt the way he does with abe around in his life ya know #that’s just what they are to me. and that’s what this moment here makes me feel and i have not gotten over it at all #probably won’t until s4 comes out. this is my new favourite crumb #and another thing #i can not lie. i did. get unreasonably excited and happy when abe said he’d come with joan to where topher is #and then later when he said he’d stay behind with topher and the bleacher creatures #im not Even gona reach and pretend it means anything cuz it doesn’t i just love them being together at all #clone high #tophabe #clone high spoilers #mine

[mishapen-dear]

thinking about the elections tonight... bad, cellbit, baghera, and forever are four candidates who are devoted to the island- more specifically, to the residents of the island. They care for the eggs, and they care for each other, and the way they exhibit that care through their primary presidential strategies is fucking fascinating.

Bad is who I watch the most, so I know him best. He's a classic mother hen. He doesn't like to take risks with the eggs, and he likes to prepare. If there's any sort of variable that could hurt an egg then he wants to control it. They have a stable relationship with the federation right now- it's not great, but they know the parameters. Don't trust cucurucho. don't follow cucurucho. send the eggs to NINHO every time there's a threat. the time of day changing means you need to run. Other than that they're p okay and roughly safe. But adding a president could potentially change everything. What if the president makes a rule that makes it easier to kill the eggs? And what about the way a president could cause tensions between the players to rise even higher? The dynamics of the island could change drastically. It's safer to neutralize that threat before it ever becomes a threat. It's easier to stop a war before it can start.

Baghera's primary concern is the way the election is designed to pit the residents against each other. All of them know that the Federation is a threat and she, like Bad, is focused on not letting them hurt more people. But, unlike Bad, she's less resistant to change. If the power is spread to multiple players rather than just one, it will be harder for the Federation to corrupt any one of them. Each time before the Federation has gotten to someone it's done so by isolating them. Felps, Cellbit, Jaiden- they've all spent a lot of alone time with Cucurucho. A council isn't just to consolidate the ideals of the island; a council would protect the players themselves. Sure, there might be disagreements and arguments, but they've had those before (and they're having them now!) and there's no reason to think they wouldn't be able to get through them again.

I hit a bit of a wall with Forever and Cellbit's pov here. Everything I know about their plans are from the debates and paraphrased discussions that have been translated here on tumblr, I'm going to talk less about their explicit plan and more about what the result will entail- a single president who takes responsibility for the island. It seems to me like they've recognized the presidential seat as the powerful opportunity that it is, and they want to take advantage of it. Here's some extra personal speculation but, adding rules, adding or removing mods, proposing public works, enforcing laws- those are just the abilities that are listed. Those are incredible opportunities to make the Federation take action, which is more than they've had before. We've seen before that the Federation isn't perfect; the Federation makes mistakes.

By working with the Federation, by making them take action (in a semi-controlled, semi-predictable way) you open them up to more opportunities for them to fuck up (while benefiting you). And, maybe, one of those fuck ups will be the key to taking them down. Maybe they could reopen ender chests. Maybe they could open the nether. Maybe they could learn why the Federation is holding an election in the first place. It's possible to do all these things with Baghera's plan, sure, but that's not a guarantee and, if someone like Bad is on the council, there's absolutely no way to be sure it would get done. And, if there's a council, then that opens up everyone on the council to the Federation's wiles. If there's just one president, then that's where the Federation's focus will be. By using a single person to build a relationship with the Federation, they only risk that single person. By electing ministers instead of a council, they can ensure that the island residents' needs are being heard while placing the federation's focus on that one person. A point can be made that they've done that before- with varying results. like kidnapping. selling your soul. etc. But! overall, I think they've gained more than they've lost by singling out one person. Because of them, we know that Cucurucho can't be trusted. We know that the Federation has a series of tunnels underneath the island. We know that the Federation not only has some sort of cryo technology, but had some unknown reason to use it. We know that there was another person working with Cellbit to take care of Felps (theorized to be ElQuackity), so we know there's at least one more Fed that isn't Cucurucho + blank-faced workers. There's been risk, but there's absolutely been rewards. This is just a very long meandering way to say that their plan to sacrifice Forever to the presidential seat reminds me very much of Cellbit's plan to sacrifice himself to the federation. They're saving their friends by potentially damning themselves and I, for one, think that is cool as hell.

they all care about each other so much. bad's plan means taking on no more risk. baghera's plan means spreading that risk evenly to stand strong together. and cellbit and forever's plan means taking the risk onto themselves so they can reap the rewards for others. am i reading too much into things? no this is tumblr and this smp is about LOVE and i really genuinely think that their election plans are a fantastic example of just how much they love each other

#qsmp elections #qsmp #qsmp analysis #again i haven't been following cellbit and forever's exact plan too closely but i've gotten the sense that their pushing of public works is #just to get people to vote for them and the true reason they want forever to be president is to infiltrate the federation #if that's not it tho feel free to let me know i'd love to know these cubitos reasonings #but with my interpretation i like the silly little extra headcanon of mr cell “sold his soul to the cops” bit #subconsciously sacrificing forever to the feds and pushing him into corruption #which ALSO makes the forever-killing-cellbit-to-kick-him-out-of-the-running plan Even More Tasty #'what if i let you kill me. what if destroying me destroyed yourself. what if i have already destroyed you on purpose and you forgave me #now what if i dont mean it when i do it again' #if anyone wants to examine the other candidates (or these same ones) and figure out how their election strategy is an example of their love #please do #i don't know enoguh about the others #but i know that gegg is love-turned-grief burn-the-world-down #and foolish is love for Item. love for cloud. love for being a silly #i don't know etoiles' plan for if he gets elected but i know he also deeply loves the island and the residents #him and his security <3 and the care packages for new players <3 and the way he Craves Violence but absolutely refuses to hurt anyone who #doesn't deserve it. most guy of all time #personally i want foolish to win because i think it would be really fun #but i think that any of them (even the candidates i don't know) would be a Fantastic president #we're going to get some good roleplay any way it goes so ill be happy :3 #the only mechanic thing i want is for them to open the nether but that feels like a given for anyone so im not worried about it tbh #ty for coming to my tedtalk #hello if you're reading this tag. i see youre just as un-normal about these characters as i am. or you just like to read. respect either wa

[isabelguerra]

i didn't appreciate these isabel expressions as much as I should have when they aired. Look at how dilated her pupils get compared to the first picture. That's her excitement at ending this game by mercilessly slamming RJ and johnny with dodgeballs. in their faces.

#paranatural #i love her. oh my god i love her. shes so fucking weird. #isabel guerra #her little line under her eye in pic 2 really pushes the expression from good to great. that and the slight eyebrow wobble #really gets across the twitchy eagerness. absolutely unmatched #violence cursive shirt you really did mean that. thats how she feels. #okay as much as i enjoy isabels depression arc and everything can we please get a glimpse of her freak ass habit #of jumping to whatever solution causes the most pain again. i miss that so much. it was so funny. isabel i know you dont want to hurt anyon #but can you a little. please

[good-beanswrites]

Just wanted to plant an idea if you wanted a bit of fuel: Mahiru asking Yuno to come to her cell before everything goes down.

Edit: I forgot the ask didn't say it but this is part of Kyanako's incredible Order Of Attack AU!

Didn't mean for this to become a mini Mappi study but here we are ✨ Thank you for the request! I fully intended to write them hanging out, but it's more right before they hang out lol. Went a bit on-the-nose with foreshadowing, but isn't that the fun part? It has become Emotional Over Mahiru Hour...

I kept things vague, but TW for mentioning her boyfriend's state of potential self-harm

Mahiru tried not to act superstitious, she really did. As much as she loved the idea of little luck charms, or avoided easy signs of misfortune, it was easier to keep quiet about such ridiculous things.

Maybe catching a bride’s bouquet meant no guarantees; maybe there was no real harm in stepping underneath ladders, maybe a coin tossed into a fountain had no real magic to its wish. However, the one thing she knew for sure held power was a lucky presence. Being in the right place at the right time could alter everything. And today was the right time for something. There was this waiting in the air. The prison had been holding its breath. Mahiru knew it was time to release it all.

“You must be so lonely, why don’t you let big sis Mahiru keep you company?” She beamed at Amane.

She often recalled the good fortune that she and a certain young man had crossed paths on the university terrace. She used to laugh with him about the wonderful coincidence of bumping into each other outside of the bakery, then the convenience store. 

Though she’d never spoken about it to him, she was also grateful for many occasions where she walked in on him at the precise moment to talk him out of something reckless. She always told him that they’d do everything together. He didn’t need to be alone anymore. 

“I wish to be alone. I need peace of mind to think.” Amane turned away from the cell door.

It was a good thing, too. Mahiru’s smile wasn’t as convincing as she said, “o-oh. Of course.”

She made her way around the panopticon, hearing Fuuta pace his cell in anticipation. He must have felt it too, this holding of breath. 

Or perhaps not. He turned down her offer for a bit of company, including a few more colorful words than Amane had. Mahiru just apologized for bothering him and headed back to her cell. She wasn’t sure where Mikoto was at this hour, but she didn’t feel like smiling through a third rejection.

She shook her head back and forth. She wished the motion could rattle the voices inside, she wished she could shake them all away. With her arms secured in place she could no longer cover her ears. She used to hum to keep them at bay, but lately they’d been too loud to stifle. They just kept on talking.

Their words told her the two were right. Nobody needed her company. No – nobody wanted it. Being together hadn’t helped her boyfriend. In fact, being together had been the very thing that got him killed. No wonder Amane and Fuuta wanted to avoid her. 

So then, this was for the best. She would rather deal with the brief sting of refusal than stumble in one day to find them hurt… or worse. As much as she tried to avoid the superstition of it all, the voices reminded her that her very presence could mean life or death. 

“Mappi, are you alright?” Mahiru hadn’t realized a tear had slipped down her cheek until she hurried to swipe it away in front of Yuno. 

“Hah, I’m fine! Just fine.” It was impossible to fool her, Mahiru had learned, but that never stopped her from trying. 

At least she always spoke tactfully. “Rough morning?”

Mahiru shifted her arms in her uniform, making a small sound of agreement.

“Can I do anything to help? What if I stay with you for a bit? I can do your hair, and…”

The voices were right. Amane and Fuuta knew it, too. Presences did hold power, and Mahiru’s was cursed.

But she would sound foolish admitting such a fear to Yuno. She'd heard plenty from the voices about how stupid and airheaded she was, there was no use in getting the same lecture from someone as grounded as her.

Mahiru managed a weak protest, unable to explain her real reasoning. Yuno was insistent. She didn’t give much of a choice. Could she feel the strangeness of the prison, as well? 

At last, Mahiru allowed her shoulders to sag. Yuno was lucky. And kind. Having her nearby would do her good. Amane and Fuuta would be alright. Mahiru had tried spending more time with them after verdicts were announced. Now, she made a mental note to pull back. If her love couldn’t save anyone, at least she could spare them from her curse. They would be safe. 

“Yes. Please stay. The truth is... I don't want to be alone.”

#milgram #mahiru shiina #yuno kashiki #amane and fuuta mentioned #i dont know how well this all fits in with your vision of the au but i had a ton of fun with this lmao sorry 😂 #oh hey if anyone knows any japanese superstitions like those in the beginning lmk #i was trying to research them but i kept getting lucky symbols/words - not necessarily actions like that #anyway thank you so much for this!! it was a really interesting moment to capture >:0 #drabbles that take me way too long to combine my three brain cells but im really pleased with the end result #i had a lot of Mahiru Thoughts but it took a bit of fiddling to make them fit together #the superstitiousness - the focus on one's presence - the parallels with his bf - what she's dealing with from the voices #im glad it came together semi-smoothly in the end asdfsd #i didnt mean for mahiru t break the fourth wall or anything -- #i always saw her as a master at picking up on social changes/cues so she can tell when things are most tense/kotoko is fully prepared #but she doesnt consciously know it -- she just knows that things feel Off #not only do the attacks confirm mahirus fear that shes cursed - but yunos involvement confirms her belief that shes extra lucky #i wonder if shed still end up spending all her time with yuno now that she thought she was such a protective person... #i couldnt articulate it right since the end was wrapping up so nicely - but mahiru starts to wonder if most people are fine being left alon #and *shes* the odd one out for craving company #then she feels isolated because by getting what she wants shes dooming someone else #i mean... if everyone you try to get close to starts getting hurt... wouldnt you worry about the same...? #AHAHAHAHA hope you enjoyed 🙃 #*posts this then retreats back into the void for a bit* #drabbles

[fortunatelyenchantingtaco]

I know Geto is like a big sore spote in the whole fandom and i might be a bit insane, but i do love his story specifically because i dont think there is a way to fix it

We are being shown that well, he got really depressed and went into self isolation. In most cases, the best course of action would be to remove him from distress and have time to heal. The issue is that Geto couldnt just leave — he believes he needs to kill curses, and to become stronger he needs to eat them which distresses him further, and if he leaves people will die, and he cant ignore that just to keep himself sane. For a man like him if he head a specific goal to become strong for, i dont think the eating process would have been such a big issue, but we have to have a big distinction that jujutsu sorcerer is, at the end of the day, a profession. You’re not a chosen superhero to save the world. Those growing up in clans may have a worse childhood, but growing up with understanding that yes curses exist its part of nature does make it easier to bear. Which is one of reason why Gojo, even while having all the trauma, didnt have such gripes with reasons or goals — this is a life he was born into.

Thinking of sorcery as more than a job makes you perceive yourself as more of a hero, and heroes are good and just and get recognition. Non sorcerers dont know about them. Geto fell into a trap of doing something for others and despairing. Its easier not to think about that shit when you’re naturally good at it, and you have fun — which is why Amanai situation and Gojo becoming stronger was so bad. Now he went on missions alone, which meant no company to distract him, and now it was no longer all fun shits and giggles, its a job full of tragedies. Considering Gojo was targeted since birth, we can assume he killed people before Toji, death is, unfortunately, familiar to him. Not for Geto — not seeing someone you care about die right before you, and certainly not being that close to death himself. He’s not longer the best at it, and its no longer fun, and he gets no recognition. Tobe precise, those are not bad thinks to want — we all want them. But if you dont get them here he would have been better to ya know. Find another job probably

Like the worst part about this whole thing is that some shit like that would have happened eventually one way or another, they’re not invincible. Childhood would eventually end, and in a way Geto spiraling is inevitable. The system is inherently flawed, and the issue they deal with is cruel. Some jobs are much more dangerous and have a detrimental effect on your mental health — its just that no one thought to give jujustu sorcerers some help, which is another problem. Adding the fact that he’s neither a saviour being thanked by everyone, or a strongest, yeah, he can’t figure out how to do this shit.

In AUs, I do think there are ways he could have handled it. Like if Gojo wasn’tin school, maybe he took his whole education with the clan? Or my au where he’s in a prison realm for centuries? Like yeah, sure, if Geto was the strongest, the only person here, i do think he would have probably felt invaluable. Youre great for your profession, you were born for it, why would you leave?

This may be projecting, but i do think his way of thinking about it is inherently flawed, a very slippery slope. People need a goal, a meaning, but looking for it outward is a sure way to get yourself into a slump, I went through this shit in a nasty manner when everything i did revolved around other people. Basing your decisions on what others would think is an easy way to pretend like its not your responsibility. This is why Gojo tells Megumi to be selfish and this is why during the entrance exams Yaga says that others wont appreciate your actions and you cant base your motivations off others.

Thats the ultimate tragedy, the fact that thinking like Geto did is ridiculously easy. You go into uni on the same course as your friend just to be with them and when something goes wrong your first thought would be that you did that for them, even thought its your life choices and decision. Yeah.

I have no conclusions for you, just some ramblings. I like my Geto mean and fucked up and insecure, makes him so real and relatable as a person.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #geto suguru #jjk analysis #yeah #i dont think gojo could have fixed it #or anyone #or even absence of toji and happy ending for amanai #i think this would have happened one way or another #i know many would say im probably too hard on geto #im projecting i agree #but also its so fucking easy to think others owe you shit for your actions #so then when you get nothing its hurts worse #in a way #geto solved thst problem with his genocide #gave himself meaning #good for mental health #bad for everything else #tbf #life is fucked up and horrible and his way of survival is just one of them #but personally i judge #just because i was there and it makes me feel too mych

[wouldve-couldve-shouidve]

why is it that every time i get close to someone it dies out after like a month i can't do this anymore

#luc posts #like they still TALK to me but it just feels awkward ugh #they never completely leave and id almost prefer if the did? like obviously i dont want them to leave but I'd rather they left than stay+ #and pretend to care like no?? #this isn't abt anyone on here btw #i mean similar things happen here but it hurts worse irl #lmao maybe im the problem

[pet-cemetery-emotes]

unrealted but what does endo mean? /genq

Short hand for endogenic! Which usually means anyone who is plural for non trauma reasons! or who doesn't relate their plurality to trauma. if you don't know what plural means, there are a lot of definitions! I'd recommend googling around or talking to plural people, because i dont have good words today. plurality is often associated with DID, but that's not the only source or cause :) another common one is MADD (maladaptive daydreaming disorder) or immersive daydreaming!

take this with a grain of salt, though - people will often change their personal definitions of what it means to be plural or endo to exclude others. perhaps because of their own internalized ableism, or exerting control over their online spaces is the only control they readily get, or because picking on a subculture of a subculture means that their targets often won't be defended and they can get away with using them as stress toys. Similarly to queer infighting, and aphobia. Thumbs up emoji

#not emojis #it is often debated by people with DID in particular whether or not endos even exist #and i think. whether or not they do. anti-endos are pretty mean about it! their posts on it remind me of transmeds or aphobes. #i'd rather support people who later change their IDs or are wrong about themselves then people who bully them #been told both sides suck. i dont go into discourse. wouldnt know. but there are loud and mean people everywhere. #and the fact that people call it 'sides' when it's experiences... telling... #i prolly wont answer questions like this in the future #because i usually get hate mail afterwards! which is stressful or annoying depending on my mental state #i was not open about being plural for a long time because if you do it the “wrong way” or have unfinished or clumsy opinions #or ways of wording them... people wanna hurt you over it. #but anyone can ask me anything. <3 and i want to help. #so. risking it today. feeling brave/stupid i guess!

[storytellering]

the moment I see someone unironically make a "deadweight" nero joke or seriously refer to him as "deadweight" i know i can't trust them

#its the like king of the unfunny dmc dudebro jokes #like I hate to be the 'UMMMM ACTUALLY' guy but tell me you were playing with your eyes closed without telling me #the POINT is that he was never a deadweight not even to Dante #he just took it to heart because he was so desperate for Dante to acknowledge him and to feel up to task and his own inferiority complex #but the POINT was that dante blurted out something he didn't mean in the heat of the moment just to get nero out of there and #as words you dont think about in the heat of the moment often do #it stuck and cut him deeply #do you ever hear anyone refer to him as a dead weight besides the one dante line? #no!!! #the word is said exactly four times in game and three of those are nero talking back at dante since the one time hurt that badly #anyway yada yada i know its a funny haha #but it always communicates such a lack of care and respect for the source material and nero as a character to me #you can make deprecating jokes about the characters you like! #hell i insult vergil all the time #(he deserves it) #but its one thing to make actually funny and accurate insult-jokes about a character out of fondness #and another to just blindly parrot back a line that meant something completely else in context clearly without understanding what it meant #lol sorry rant over this got a bit longwinded #but the type of fan to unironically do that just bothers me #lo and behold its always the gen nonship and anti people wonder why /s

[silenthillbunni]

being in pain is so isolating nd alienating lol >.<

#bc the thing is nobody cares abt your pain. like that's simply human psychology #so even if that's how the human mind is built nd it's understandable. it still sucks to receive so little sympathy nd understanding #like i mean ppl get sick nd tired of u when u talk abt the pain nd just want u to stop complaining nd be positive #nd they're rlly unsympathetic nd just want u to shut up nd do the things you're supposed to do without whining #so yes idk having to shut up abt it makes me feel like im stuck all alone inside this miserable bubble #either way im getting better nd better at not talking abt it!!!!! even on here i dont say like 80% of what i wanna vent abt sksksks #ppl always treat me as if im exaggarating or just anxious nd worried nd that i need to relax nd that everythings fine #so i've gotten way better at keeping it inside nd not bothering anyone w it!!! thats good #i mean it hurts nd makes me feel isolated buuut it's better than being a burden nd a bother nd making ppl roll their eyes nd sigh at me #but it's also so hard for me to seek medical attention for anything bc i feel like im just being dramatic nd annoying #idk... anyway so many things i wanna complain abt rn pain wise but im doing so good at shutting up abt them i need a gold star ⭐️ #hand in hand w this im getting better at just shutting up nd doing what ppl want me to do nd think im supposed to do even if im in pain

[enden-k]

im sorry to hear people are stomping all over your boundaries, big props to you for sticking up for yourself and putting your foot down. I hope you're doing ok (/gen)

on another, hopefully happier note, i noticed your info post mentions that you self ship! I'd love to hear about your favourite self ships if you're comfortable talking about them some time?

i actually never did or had interest in this but then haitham waltzed in so hes the first and only one (this whole thing flusters me so its smth i indulge in for myself in private by reading or daydreaming or sometimes i babble and ramble about him very in depth)

(most hkvthm things i draw is just me going 'wish that was me' and drawing it LMFAO)

ohh also same w kaveh but in a slightly different way than haitham (theyre both the only ones) i want them to hold hands. i want them to hold my hands. there

#i dont feel attraction to ppl irl mostly bc im just not comfortable around ppl #and the ones i am are my friends and theres obv no romantic attraction #so when i saw haitham and learned more and mroe of him and how he and i share so many traits and ideas and things it was #instant comfort and the feeling of being understood #that its like #if he was real i would seek out his warmth and presence instead of getting away frm it like with my ex partners when it was too much for me #knowing that he would understand me therefore knowing how to handle me without making me uncomfortable or upset #uhh so basically. he made me realize all i want is just someone who perfetly understands me and knows how to treat me #when to come close and when to give me space #perfectly knowing me and reading me #i cant speak and in the rare moments i am able to im often struggling to form my thoughts into sentences that make sense #so he would still understand and put together that garbled mess and know exactly what i mean #not misunderstanding and acusing me of things or tones i never said or used #ppl and things messed me up quite a bit in the past that im having trouble w lots of things unless im alone #only when im alone i feel truly comfortable and safe bc nothing can hurt or upset me but even then you kinda realize in some moments that #you actually want someone with you but it has to be smn you trust and who knows you inside out and all that #i dont have anyone like that and idk if i ever will but rn this character is jsut rotating in my head giving me these things i crave and #thats enough #sorry that was a lot of gay rambling there but yea idk if it sounds stupid or nah but my #mental health issues got way better and balanced ever since haitham so he really #grounds me and gives me strength and comfort to deal with things i would have be unable to do in the past year #bc even if i dont have smn who truly knows and understands me #inside me there is someone #reply #tags tbd #in case i get embarrassed LMFAO

[serpulalacrymans]

Well, yeah, it's husband, but I find it a little funny to say man wife. Anyhow. You're very pretty. I love your eyes. Mine sadly aren't green like yours. Mine are more of a Mossy kind. Sorry, I'm rambling. How was your day, Mason? Also, can you do me a massive favor and let Lawrence know that he's okay and that we all care about him? <33

Law already knows you lot care. I let him read! Not allowed tpost, afraid he might spill too much bout my private life, but I let him talk with his friends every now and again and let him read the sweet things yall leave for him. Makes him happy!

#//again i am really really sorry #//i hate doing this and ik im such a buzzkill and i complain abt it a lot #//i dont MEAN to be a stick in the mud i rly love the attention and care you guys put into interacting with me !!! #//but my eyes are super weak and hurt real bad when it comes to sharp/bold/staticy fonts #//AND IM NOT TRYING TO POLICE ANYONE OR TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE USING IT ITS YOUR BLOG ITS YOUR ASK #//but it makes it really hard to get through these asks for me #//AGAIN I DONT WANNA BE A WHINER OR SOUND LIKE IM MAKING YOU DO ANYTHING #//it would just be a big help

[gingeredmink]

even when it's free designs it's so hard to justify sharing art when your mind is trying its best to convince you that you're just subjecting people to it and negatively effecting everyone.

probs gonna log off for a while, not handling how physically painful this is too well

Thank you to everyone that's tried to reach out.

I'm so sorry for being like this and making people worry.

#not art #rayns rambling again #negative #ask to tag #the amount of time thats just spent curled up in bed is laughable #hate how people are nothing but kind to me but it still ends like this #it feels like im taking advantage of people or dont care about others efforts #i genuinely appreciate how much people try to help and it truly means a lot #but im awful with words so it feels like any way i show that comes off as a lie or im faking #even better is feeling like i just emotionally manipulated people into feeling bad for me due to being selfish or something #the fact that id rather hurt myself than bother others in the slightest probs says a lot heh #feeling like you honestly dont deserve to be happy for a second is its own special kind of hell heh #wouldnt wish this shit on anyone

[krispyykrab]

there is really something cruel and strange and fucked up about switching between thinking youre the center of the universe and thinking youre completely invisible 50 fuckin times a day. like do you have a god complex or an inferiority complex make up your mind

#the mental illness strikes again #yeah its that and like this crippling lonliness that has had me in a chokehold #pov you open the same 3 apps over and over again on repeat all day trying to see if anyone has messaged you or interacted with you at all #then you realize oh wait yeah. they all have lives and you dont. yeah that explains it #then you self loathe and pity for a bit and repeat the cycle #mad pathetic #and on top of that youre too fuckin sensitive so you take it all personal #even stupid jokes. yeah that stupid joke it hurt my feelings and for no reason at all #im not even really sad right now its just. so painfully frustrating that this has to be the normal for me #no matter how many times i seek help for it i get blown off #not to mention im *still* fucked up over not being able to go to the one person i relied on to help me when i was mentally unwell #though ive tried #but bringing up being mentally unwell gets me a sad face emoticon at best #and bringing up being physically unwell and that ive had to go to multiple doctors over the past few months is just. completely ignored #oh well #i am completely over that person but that doesnt mean getting ignored doesnt fucking hurt #anyways

[thediktatortot]

Don't mind me, I'm just fucking depressed

#life feels meaningless again and i don't know how to make it go away #i have friends but i cant find the energy or the mental ability to be around them #i cant even get myself out of my house let alone see people #ive got no car again which means you habe 0 autonomy #the VA has zero empathy for anyone and im left stranded for help #ive got my parents winter depression to deal with on top of my own #I'm basically the primary bread winner in my house because of my disability being more than my dads SSI #everything is breaking and i have no money to replace it #my country hates me in multiple ways #my avenues of enjoyment are being priced out or gotten rid of #there's no third spaces #no places to hang out #my grocery bill is 2x the price now #my body hurts my brain hurts my heart hurts my teeth hurt everything fucking hurts #i cant even use Tumblr anymore because the account ive been using for the last few years wont get un shadowbanned #i dont even get the reprieve of dreams when i sleep

[bittsandpieces]

Would you ever want to make friends with someone from tumblr? I realize that's a hella vague premise, but I'm mostly just curious. I think you're relatively close, actually?

I've never made irl friends with someone I met on tumblr, but I've made a couple long distance friends over the years! I'll be honest with you though, I'm not the easiest person to make friends with. I'm bad at responding to messages and I get bored with people easily (I don't want to be, it just happens), I cancel plans a LOT and I kinda only make friends with people I'm attracted to (even if it never goes anywhere). Idk dude you're welcome to try but I'll warn you that the odds aren't in your favor

#bitts answers #im picky and kinda distant and if i decide i dont like you ill simply stop talking to you #i dont mean to hurt anyones feelings but i accidentally do bc its hard for me to predict what will and wont make someone sad #in short: im autistic and unless i really like you it is basically impossible to make friends with me

[eirian]

I KEEP LOOKING AT MY 2018 ART AND JUST BEING LIKE "WHY DID IT LOOK LIKE THAAAAAAT 😭"

#I APPRECIATE EVERYONE WHO LOVED MY ART BACK THEN OR EVEN STILL THINK IT LOOKS GOOD !!! #i respect ur opinion even if i wholly disagree with it <3 #i dont mean to make anyone feel bad if they think that art is still really good. i dont mean to if thats the case #but god it hurts me to look at. LOL. because like #not only did it just. not look good #but i THOUGHT IT WAS MY PEAK YEAR?????? #AT THE TIME I HONEST TO GOD THOUGHT I HAD REACHED MY PEAK ART AND STYLE #JUST KNOWING THAT HURTS LIKE. GIRL? FR? YOU THOUGHT /THAT/ WAS IT? #good lord. it just baffles me how far ive come but im also SO thankful lol