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enderspawn · 2 years

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still thinking about... a prime defenders power swap based one-off/case fic thing. probably set vaguely early/mid s1 era*, probably caused somehow by le frog like every other oneshot. the practicality of swapping their powers is handwaved, its just some sci-fi magic bullshit

dakota gets william's ghost powers, vyncent gets dakota's super strength and speed, and william gets vyncent's class powers and the greats.

dakota gets so excited, bc williams powers are so cool! he probably immediately starts abusing the wisp form and giving william a heart attack about it. vyncent accidentally rips a door off the hinges trying to open it. william has a second heart attack when he hears a voice telling him to go to bed at 2 am when hes "alone".

but also like... the Key here is that the power swap does a freaky friday type thing where they also learn something abt one another-- both from lived experience and the entire thing causing them to have to sit down and talk to one another abt their powers.

william has to learn to give up control with vyncent's powers, since he literally Can Not Be In Control when one of the greats takes over- its kinda a Big Deal for him. not only that, but allows him to get to know the greats outside of vyncent as a whole. if you want a ghostknife angle, maybe theres some light shovel talk bc its funny. when they inevitable switch back, it helps him feel more safe w the wisp form-- or at least that ppl will be by his side if worst comes to worst. it also helps him better understand vyncent and the greats and Their relationship (much like how the 10 month gap did, but More So)

vyncent has to deal with everything being so much More due to the enhanced senses. (which is also then neat foreshadowing to dakota's sensory overload mechanic in s2, since that only occured after dakota spent a while in Not-A-City and vyncent grew up in a fantasy medieval setting). i want him to go to dakota to ask how to handle it, bc the fan in william's room is keeping him up at night and he's already broken 4 doors. dakota kinda shrugs and tries to counsel vyncent, giving him advice that dakota learned on his own. in that overly casual dakota way, he'd drop his Tragic Backstory(tm) too which throws vyncent bc he always thinks of dakota as so immature and out of touch, someone who hasnt Gone Thru shit and needs to grow up. so realizing just how much dakota has gone thru and Goes thru each day to deal with his own powers kinda changes his perspective (bc that scene of vyncent yelling at dakota.... yeah </3)

dakota is having a Whole Ball abt it, and despite how uncontrollable william's s1 powers can be he seemingly even has it under better control. but that doesnt stop william from asking him to tone it down or Stop, which dakota ignores until he realizes william is serious. he asks why and william gives him the whole tightrope explanation, that he's scared something is going to happen to him yeah but hes terrified somethings gonna happen to dakota. dakota makes a comment abt how even if it did, it would be okay! bc he wouldve been saving someone else, so its worth it. william blows up at him, asking what they would do-- what would happen to william's powers, what would we be without you? etc. it kinda bashes into dakota's head that he has something in his life to be around for, ppl who care about him. not only that, but it also makes some of william's fears Click for him. He still may think its worth the risk in certain scenarios still, but he understands why william is so hesitant-- bc he wouldnt want to lose william, and apparently there are ppl who wouldnt want to lose him either.

in short, they all get a bit of a different Thing out of it, like a different lesson/revelation-- william's is power based, vyncent's is relationship based, and dakota's a bit of both.

after they've all had long enough to learn their various Lessons and hijinx, some hand-wavey, also-probably-le-frog-caused thing happens to switch them back. BOOM, case fic/oneshot done.

*set in this time for simplicity? for one, no s1 finale means william's relationship w the wisp form is simpler to explore bc theres no additional trauma. post s1 is possible, im just lazy FJKFJFDSF. for two, i... did not work ashe into this while brainstorming </3 both for power swapping and for just Interacting w the crew, he would add another layer of possible development and convos. for three, i dont know how the s2 ep11 break thing will impact their power sets yet so.... excluded from the power swap </3

i also just think its something where it would cause a lot of convos they DO have in canon way earlier to achieve the outcome i want, which doesnt rlly work if they've already had those conversations (primarily looking at you, s1 finale convo).

#jrwi #og post #vyncent sol #dakota cole #william wisp #i vaguely talked abt this in an old deleted one off post but. yeah <3 #yeah idk how they swap either.#remember that time they implied williams powers are only bc hes not a human? and not just The Event?#yeah idk how that would be transfered either <333 #(jeb bush voice) please clap

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jihyocentric · 1 year

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hi lumi so this is just an ask but i wanted to hear ur thoughts on jichaeng?? i hardly see them together but theyre actually my top 2 biases in twice and i just love when i get fed crumbs lskdfjslkd

but yeah!! sfw, nsfw, whatever u want, just curious abt what u think!!

-🐶

pup anon now that you're talking about it, i don't get any chaeyoung, dahyun or tzuyu (except for jitzu) asks/requests at all.. this is just sad 😭 i think there's not many smc stans that follow me, this must be why!

okay now it's jichaeng time! when i think about jichaeng the first thing that comes to my mind is this video. i just had to share it bc i love the way jihyo looks at chaeyoung... tender and apologetic. her eyes are so pretty too!

sfw wise what i like the most about them is that chaeyoung loves to compliment people. she's loving and warm and i think jihyo appreciates it, like when chaeyoung talked about how pretty jihyo's shoulders are or when she touches jihyo randomly and gives her a compliment!

i think that other than nayeon, sana and jeongyeon (surprisingly), chaeyoung might be the one that compliments jihyo the most. i don't even need to say anything about how much jihyo needs them, right?! and chaeyoung is such a softie... she has such thoughtful things to say about jihyo 🥺

but also the rich milf x younger girl who's a broke ass college student or even a dropout is what i usually see for them, i'm sorry 😭 they're really different and these kinds of tropes is what i relate them to the most

but it's not like the sugarmommy!hyo (jitzu au) dynamic because in my mind jihyo wanted tzuyu first and then they got together. i think chaeyoung would have a hard time trying to pull jihyo. i just love the idea of little gay girl chaeyoung chasing around milfs (like nayeon, sana, mina... but it's jichaeng time so let's talk about jichaeng!!)

i like to think about jihyo accepting to get laid with chaeyoung sometimes to blow off some steam but at the same time not really treating chaeyoung like an actual potential partner. kind of angsty, but i think it would really go this way, until jihyo realizes she might have feelings towards chaeyoung... but that would take a while. and it could cost a broken heart if she takes too long.

as idols, i feel like it would go the same way, except for the angsty part! nsfw wise, chaeyoung is a service top for jihyo. there's no other way i can picture it really... i'm so convinced chaeyoung would love to serve her. it's kind of the same way i see jihyo being a service top for nayeon.

i totally see chaeyoung sleeping around in jihyo's dorm sometimes just because she wants to touch her or if she needs some cuddles. they're not the pda type of couple, so when they do have time for themselves i bet chaeyoung loves spending them between jihyo's thighs or just spooning her really (and ofc jihyo is the big spoon. chaeyoung is her baby, no matter how many times she came on her fingers!)

i bet chaeyoung would spend hours talking about the things she likes or new things she learned and jihyo would listen attentively because she loves it when chaeyoung gets excited about something. that's the best part about them being different. they can talk about a lot of different stuff because they don't share the same taste in most things! it's good to hear chaeyoung talking because her voice is sweet and jihyo can sleep easily when she hears it, especially when she has insomnia :(

overall any ships involving chaeyoung to me are soft because she IS soft! i love the fact that her love language is giving presents, praising the ones she loves and touching them. she's the babiest in twice and no one can change my mind on that 🥹

#🐶 anon #asks #jichaeng #chaeyu are the babiest actually!

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pathologising · 1 year

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out of curiosity, and you dont need to answer if you dont want to. for you, what does it mean to recover from bdsm? what aspects did you have to step away from, and what does the recovery look like? im asking because ive got a friend whos concerningly into cnc seemingly out of nowhere with a history of abuse, and while i understand the self-destructive need to it I am also worried about lasting repercussions in the long run

anyway, the mean anons can get bent. It's stupid to argue to INTENTIONALLY do the retraumatizing thing, with intention, as in, knowingly, as in, on perpose, as in, that is self harm you don't advocate cutters continue cutting because logically you know thats damaging but when its sex related suddenly its dont kink shame me

I was thinking abt how to answer this bc it is a ewally good question. For context I was in an extreme bdsm relationship prior to my current bf and also after that relationship I was in this kinda downward spiral of hooking up with people and participating in extreme bdsm with them as either sex work or casual sex. I was also dealing with my drug addiction at the time and to me sex was always violent or was always transactional due to my history of abuse.

For a good while I was in denial that anything was wrong and that what I was doing was fine and not retraumatising. When in reality the things I put myself through to feel some sort of affection was really only further warping my views on sex and relationships. Like I genuinely believed that sex was supposed to be violent because if I consented then it was fine and not detrimental to myself.

I think what really helped me realise that participating in extreme bdsm stuff was really unhealthy for me was a) my therapist and b) my current partner. I'm very lucky to have met my current partner because he refuses to do anything that might hurt me or warp how I view myself. Being with him has shown me how sex doesn't need to be violent or degrading and my therapist has helped me work through why I felt the need for sex to be destructive and violent.

Through them, I had to have moments where I was very introspective: "Why do I want this to happen to me? Why do I feel the need to be degraded and hurt during sex?" These are a few questions I had to ask myself among many others that helped me step away from the extreme bdsm lifestyle.

Also realizing that sex can be fun and exciting without being violent or retraumatising. Learning to find satisfaction in "mundane" sex with my partner has been a process but i honestly feel that it has helped how I see myself and changed my self worth.

It's a really hard thing to step away from especially if you are so used to sex being violent or whatnot. It really does take a lot of self introspection to see how re traumatizing that shit can be and how easy it is to live in self denial doesn't help.

I hope this makes sense to u lol I feel like im rambling but basically my therapist and my partner have helped me in stopping self destructive sex stuff. Also learning and remembering sex doesn't have to be violent to be fun. Also treating sex as a completely natural and neutral act of bonding has really helped. It's just a long process but it's definitely one that has helped me feel a lot better about myself and my body and sex in general.

#i hopeeee this makes sense #like it was a very long process to realising #2hat i was puttibg nyaelf through was really unhealthy #but i think im at a pretty good place (still unlearning a lot of harmful kinks but again its a process)#so abyway yeah the sex i have now is very swag and not retraumatising

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komod0 · 1 year

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I found you cause I found this post about the coven heads somehow ending up in the human realm instead of the kids? And honestly I'd like to see more of that? Like is Eda there too with missing arm and all?

Is Luzs mom and Vee the ones to find them and Vee flips out and is terrified. The heads realizing they have no magic and freaking out a bit? Camilla despite thinking it's a horrible idea takes them in to help them out and teaches them to behave like people in authority should behave?

Like just imagine Terra mentioning poisoning some kids who annoys her and Camila whacks her with la chancla and scolds her how as an adult she should not be poisoning kids or threatening kids. Hettie says something twisted and Camila whacks her and then sits her down to talk about why she said that and why she thinks it's a good idea to say that and acts almost like a therapist for her?

Give me Raine playing his music on the streets to help make money, Darius helping keep the house clean cause they are guests, the other coven heads freaking out over Camila getting Eberwolf to speak English, Vitimir turning out to be a damn good cook cause potions is like cooking. Mason getting a part time job as a construction worker or demolishing things. Eda getting a new prosthetic arm and throwing herself into getting a way back to the demon realm cause damnit her kids are still there. Terra working on a garden and everyone being surprised a bit she could do it without magic, and then having to talk her down from murder once she learns about how much land and how many plants were destroyed by greedy humans.

One of the adults asking why Camila seemed to slip into another language and she gives them a lesson on Spanish and it turns into like an Earth knowledge lesson and all of them are blown away by just how big and populated the earth really is and how damn smart humans can be.

Give me Camila changing and helping the coven heads for the better even if it's just a little bit and the coven heads pretty much all agreeing that she would have been a much better leader than Belos.

Imagine the Demon Realms reactions when they finally get a portal open and the coven heads are back and they're dragging this human woman with them and demanding she be the new empress and all of the realms confused and baffled by the changes in the coven heads.

...sorry for how long this is but I just really like the idea of the coven heads and possibly Eda being stuck in the human world and get almost forced redeemed and most likely some therapy.

Oh my gosh hiii!! Wow that’s a lotbabshhsjahehehw

But yeah!! I called the au ‘9 more problems’ :]]. It’s only the coven heads. Imagine Luz in edas place with the whole taking kings hand, except when king does the sound roar eda steps out of the way, while raine and Darius (the only ones who hadn’t ran into the portal) don’t and get thrown in

I talk abt this a lot on the coven head enjoyers discord, but not really here actually!! I need to post more on itttt

I’m making a fic too!!! Very excited to get that done :D and I LOVE your ideas on how things could play out in this au, especially the ones that mean Camila whacking someone with a la chancla djsbjshsjwbsbd

#9moreproblemsau #the owl house #eberwolf #adrian graye #darius toh #toh terra #hettie cutburn #vitimir #mason toh #toh osran #raine toh #raine whispers #camila #camila toh #Vee #Vee toh

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bunnie-bits · 8 months

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I've had a rly nice time getting to know myself this year (❁´◡`❁)

i had been on hormones already for like 5months but didn't get to explore myself any further bc the relationship i was in didn't rly leave any room for it 😓

but i started to explore myself a bit more in november n we broke up in december so january i was alone but Free 4 the first time in 6yrs (⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠;⁠) it was p rough ngl (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) and the first half of the year kicked my ass emotionally bc i was struggling to make some good friends, but things rly turned around 4 me in the second half of the yr and I'm a lot better at being a social bunnie n making friends and i even have a good friend now I'm always excited 2 see (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠) I've been wanting 2 know someone i clicked with ever since i moved here but it hadn't happened yet ╮⁠(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠╭

this has actually been the longest I've gone without being in a relationship before :3c i usually have been in LTRs or had a few consistent fwb i was p sweet to n would have over a lot, but as thirsty as i am on here i haven't actually been trying to get with anyone (☝️😌 yet!) for a while lol.

but it's given me a lot of time to learn about myself n my thots n feelings and desires :3 and i am learning new things all the time (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠) and i can make a fwend when i want to! ₍ ᐢ. ̫ .ᐢ ₎ ᶦ ʷᶦˢʰ ᶦ ʷᵃⁿᵗᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵒᶠᵗᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵒ.

and then old ladies have been so nicey to me, and i always am feeling prettier n happier w myself (❁´◡`❁) not that i change that fast but i just rly love myself a lot more bc i Know myself a lot more n im rly comfies w who i am. it's been rly lovely settling into this next phase of Me and im happy 2 have my kitty n my friends n all the hobbies i never had time for, and my friends on here have been So sweet n supportive the entire time 🥺💕 i would've been so lost if i wasn't on tumblr thru all that omg (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) i didn't even have time to second guess myself or be self conscious bc everyone was so nicey 2 me and hyped me up immediately and always!!

being trans just feels v cozy as an experience 👉👈 mm, hm. yeah i realized i was enby in my 6yr relationship then became an enby trans gal during the later half of it too but i didn't rly get to find out What That Means until i left yk? (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) i was just happy that i finally did something besides be upset abt my body (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) but i didn't get to hang n talk w other trans ppl regularly, i barely got to see the friends i Did have (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠) it was v isolating and getting to finally visibly Be trans and interact with the world that way is like i just got absorbed into a very big loving community and I've also grown 2 love myself n b comfies w myself sm more (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠) i rly feel like Me rn and I'm glad I've grown into this other important side of me. everyone is always so supportive ｡⁠:ﾟ⁠(⁠;⁠´⁠∩⁠`⁠;⁠)ﾟ⁠:⁠｡

omg like getting she/her'd at work all the time when i use she/they (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) ppl also rly did learn n don't misgender me anymore. aaaakkskdks i have so many feelings i want 2 share them all but it's midnight and i have to eat™™™ (⁠ ⁠･ั⁠﹏⁠･ั⁠) n e ways, hi everybunny how r we? rly happy 2 night (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)🐇💕 i could talk forever 😈

#sleepover talk

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beesmygod · 1 year

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The hive works thing makes sense as it seems every comic artist affiliated with them has either become openly miserable and burnt out or pivoted towards ig style content creation ideology. Since they used to be so respected it’s sad but expected almost

Excited for your self publishing adventures though!

thank you for the well wishes! to be honest i am not sure what other peoples experience with the company is as it is difficult ask around for that sort of thing and to be honest i was not close or grew close enough to any new artists to be able to ask them that. i think your experience varies greatly based on your comic's performance.

ofc its going to be hard to talk about much of this without sounding like a little sour grapes bitch, but i think thats the price of trying to talk abt it at all. as far as im aware the operations of hive are pretty obfuscated to nearly everyone not immediately involved, so a little light on why it didnt work for me can at least shed a little insight from an uncommon source. but remember: i can only speculate to a reasonable degree based on my own experiences and because i have a uhhhh caustic writing style, i want to be sure to try to reign in my impulse for hyperbole. reader beware!!! you're in for boring dry answers.

well. sort of. one of the last things that blew me away was being told that laughing at the dork ass losers who use auto-tracing techniques on free clip studio assets caused them to pull some of their pitches from consideration. okay? how the fuck was i supposed to feel about this info?? some people who cant draw by admission and refuse to learn on purpose did you a favor by removing themselves from consideration. the mere idea of even being considered equitable to that gaggle of morons is too much lol. my newly and grossly inflated self-image cannot take this. thats too far lol. deeply insulting shit. that combined with the years and years of repeatedly being put on the backburner and having to nag myself hoarse to get anything done made it clear that respect, if it was ever involved in the first place, had narrowed to a one way street

a close friend of mine gave me some advice when i was asking around, but admitted they were having a hard time staying objective bc they were embittered by the change in hiveworks from what they perceived as an artist collective to a Brand(c). i hadnt even considered this view and was even more shocked to hear that multiple long time webcomic readers found out about hive through me. my perception of it from the inside was very odd and warped, i had a hard time coming to terms with realizing i was not getting what i was hoping for from the experience (comradery, support).

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eurydicees · 1 year

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13, 14, 15, & 23 for the fanfic end of the year asks? :D

some questions !! under the cut bc this got long :)

13. favorite writing song/artist/album of this year

hmmm just based on the fact that i wrote a whole fic inspired by it (read: i listened to it on repeat while writing), i’m gonna have to say heat waves by glass animals. the fic itself isn’t really inspired by the song, but i went insane abt it a little bit. it was my no. 1 song of 2022 lmfao. anyways go read fever dreams; or, love in the time of heat waves for some real brain rot

14. a fic you didn’t expect to write

oooh interesting. i’m gonna say just let me kiss you once because i’d never really pictured myself writing atsuiwa before! i’m pretty iwaoi ride or die, not gonna lie to you, so it was waaaay out of my comfort zone to write one of them with someone else! i’m fairly satisfied with how it came out though, and i looove the atsuiwa dynamic already so it was exciting to try something new out.

15. something you learned this year

oh so so so much tbh. it was a year of growth not gonna lie to you. regarding writing, though, i think i really learned that i. don’t actually want to publish original fiction professionally. like it used to be a really big dream, like The Dream, the ultimate goal in my life, to publish a real novel or some kind of writing. it was kinda my whole goal in life, to become a published author. but idk, i think i’ve realized that i don’t really want that anymore. i’m happy to keep writing on the side and just do my silly little fanfic for fun! i’m really satisfied with the little thing i’ve got going on here, where i write for fun and just publish what i feel like, instead of making it, like, a career. becoming an actual established author is no longer a life dream of mine tbh and i think i realized that i just wanna write for fun instead of work. it was kinda a huge wake up call that i’m not happy with the life path i’d been pursuing for literally my entire life. it’s funny how things change.

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

oh man. there are SO many. i keep all of my drafts in one doc rather than starting sixteen thousand new docs every time i have an idea, so i can with say i have more than 80k words worth of drafts of fics i wanted to finish but never got around to. here are some of the main ones, though:

a longform kyoya-centric fic! it was a study into the hosts’ relationships post-canon and their development as adults, as well as kyoya being dumb and gay. the tagline was “So: Kyoya graduated from Ouran Academy, got on a plane to Boston Logan Airport, and conveniently forgot to give anyone his international phone number.”

the sakuatsu fake dating fic!!

and while we’re on the subject, the matsuhana fake dating fic

the iwaoisuga fic we’ve been talking about :P

oh and ofc all the requests i said i would get to and then . never actually wrote lol. i’ll get to them eventually, really, i swear….

#ask #ty for asking !!

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x-rds · 9 months

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ur fun friends from phos.net here 2 tell u that not knowin shit is half the fun. u get to discover urself all over again. how neat is that /hj

but in all srsness thats just part of life. sometimes u realize u didnt kno as much as u thought u did and thats ok. not even singlets kno every single little thing abt themselves, and self discovery is a life long journey or wtevr. but it is fun 2 discover new things abt urself; or at least, thats how we cope with new things :p

[Lio] Heya. I appreciate your message! I think it’s really nice of you to send it, and it’s a good sentiment to keep in mind.

Admittedly my frustration is less the unknown and the uncertainty - we’ll figure it out, and like you said, it can be fun! It’s rewarding to realize things about each other and figure out how it all fits together. Especially as the guy who is often the facilitator of others in here learning about themselves, it’s exciting to discover these things.

My frustration lies more in that our current situation is making this difficult. Most new members appear in a place we can interact with or begin connecting to them, and even in the past when someone has come in with hard barriers we usually can see them even if they can’t see us yet, and we can work on finding ways to open up communication.

But ever since things changed in here about a year ago that’s been harder, and while I’m hoping this newer development is maybe an ultimately good change, it’s also an incredibly difficult one to deal with. Amnesia barriers are a lot stronger between us and these new people, and we don’t know where they are in headspace, we don’t know any area resembling what they’ve described in their messages to our friend, and one of them appears to have a significant amount of distress attached to them... so it’s hard. It’s frustrating for me - having to fill out “info” on these people because we know they’re there but we don’t know anything about them, and I’m not sure we will until we find them and connect with them.

...and I’m kind of nervous about what an entire unknown part of headspace might mean or what’s in there. Hopefully nothing that’ll cause us too much trouble! But I’m still nervous.

But I digress. We do appreciate the message and the sentiment. Hopefully we can contact them and help them understand themselves and us! Until then unfortunately I am feeling like that picture, lol. (Ben Affleck ? I think it’s some celebrity. It’s a mood though.)

#liolog #replies

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troglobite · 1 year

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laskdjflaskdjf

retroactively caveating this: if we're mostly/p much only internet friends, the dynamic is so entirely different that none of this really applies. i'm talking ppl i've known almost my whole life, and/or ppl i know irl and would be meeting w in person if not for ongoing covid.

------

sitting here thinking

realizing some things

previously it felt like the tiny number of friends i had/have were only ever interested in using me for their needs and purposes

previous friend group was always talking about everyone else's problems--for hours, days, weeks on end. nothing ever changing.

when i brought my stuff up it halted the entire conversation

i would complain and get nothing in response.

someone else in the group would, out of the blue, make a big request or set a big boundary and it was no problem

but my small requests, discomforts, and boundaries were always treated as Too Much.

and previously i've always thought--it's partly my fault, partly the fault of all friends i've had, that friends always relied on me and sought my advice and instruction and wanted me to do things for them, but didn't ever want to do things for me.

but i'm also realizing now--

well i mean i sort of have always known as well, but in general people. don't take an interest in the things i'm interested in. they don't want to hear about it or listen to me talk abt it.

my mom is the only person who puts up with my infodumping, and she does her Mom's Best. most of the time i don't feel awful. when i try to stop talking bc i feel annoying sometimes she'll ask a question to keep me talking.

haha okay i'm just crying now??? idk.

anyway. it's nice. i still feel deeply annoying. and it's not bc she treats me that way in those moments, it's bc i know she's not truly interested, and also bc at other times, when she's angry or hurt or triggered by something, her resentment towards me comes out. and so when she's being nice abt my special interests and infodumping, i guess part of me is like. she's being nice, but she's just being nice. bc she loves me and cares abt me. but it is. a kind of emotional chore.

so anyway there's that detour.

point being all those posts online "i love when people infodump at me i love seeing how happy and excited they are i love learning new things"

WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?! I'VE NEVER MET ONE OF YOU. EVER. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

okay another detour over, sorry.

i'm just now thinking. about friends and friendship again.

i get mad when i can help someone and they don't tell me or ask me. or they don't even give me a chance.

i get MAD. i get so panicked and hurt and upset and confused. idk how to describe the feeling. it's. Big.

it's just Big and Loud and Intense.

when i can help someone and they don't let me know they need help, or they refuse my help when i offer, or they don't ask and i have to come in media res to help out after they've already hurt themselves or overextended themselves, when i could be there for someone and they don't reach out.

i get. That Really Big Feeling. and it's bad and i don't like it.

and i'm frustrated and thinking bc like. part of me is someone who can't handle not being able to help people.

i am disabled and poor and my various abilities are very limited. i cannot do a lot of things that would help a lot of people.

it crushes me. i don't like that feeling. nobody does.

and i care so so so deeply abt the ppl i love.

and--

and we're back to this bit where i don't allow myself to get invested in friends and relationships bc again, i've always been Too Much for ppl.

if i msg too often, ask too many things, open up too much, want to hang out too often, want to share everything w them and be close and. it's Too Much.

and being a queer kid, i couldn't be clingy and huggy w my friends bc it was seen as creepy and gay.

i just. didn't get to hug anyone v much. i had to hide and suppress a lot of my affection. both bc i'm queer and autistic, so it always read as Too Much and Weird.

and it's just very weird to go through life most of the time feeling next to nothing abt other people. bc i've shut that off. and if i turned it on and allowed myself to feel i'd just be a mess, constantly, all the time.

bc if i feel those things then it makes it even harder to deal with what got me Thinking in the first place--

that i'm not a priority in any of my friends' lives.

and it's weird and shitty this time bc now, for several months, i am not even the person that any of them turn to first for help.

so my ONE way to be in contact w friends & feel helpful? is not available to me bc i am not a priority--and i'm not in their list of first responders.

i am not number one. i am not anywhere in the top five.

i'm someone they occasionally think about. or only think about in a certain capacity.

mainly, rn, their DM. or the person who offers compliments. or the person who spams the discord like an annoying bastard w stupid things that no one gives a single solitary FUCK about, and so they ignore.

so it's the double whammy

i don't even get to FEEL something about them ~only using me for advice and support~ and never engaging w my interests or offering to support me

bc they're not even asking me for advice or support

and i'm just realizing how little i matter

and how many other people they have who are more immediate, more important, closer to them--who they just plain like more

and i have no way of finding any other friends

and i'm sort of spiraling

i thought i had. The Friend Group. like i was set. i was so excited and--looking back. ha.

part of what began to drive the stake between us was my Too Muchness.

apart from some red flags i was ignoring, it seemed like we were all in for each other. there were so many things we wanted to do! plans we were making!

we went on a vacation together, which was HUGE for me, w my overwhelming fear of road trips (hard to explain, not what immediately comes to mind), general anxiety abt being away from home, and lack of Comfort around ppl other than my mom. and i thought it went really well! it seemed like it!

but then i went to grad school and they thought i was an elitist traitor or something? that i thought i was better than them? i literally don't know bc they never told me or admitted to any of their actions or feelings so i've been left to guesswork to fill in the blanks.

but the other part of it was--

i so wanted. to do all those things with them. they were a top priority for me. they were involved in the way i was planning literally the future, years out ahead in my life. that's how i was thinking abt my future. with them in it.

and i just remember one time we went out to eat (which they forced me to do even though i fucking hated it and just wanted to hang out with them and not spend money or be around other loud people) and at that time they revealed that they had plans to move in together (three of them) and they hadn't told me but they'd told the friend in virginia.

they talked abt being concerned abt that friend in virginia--but not me, off in minnesota.

and they mentioned a summer vacation. and i said oh wow that sounds awesome, i love that place. do you think we could do another trip like last time? would that be possible? or maybe just one like it some other time?

and i was so excited and enthused abt it. ME! EXCITED ABT VACATIONING W PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY FAMILY!

and looking back i can see how offput they were (mainly one of them) w that suggestion. they found it distasteful and were humoring me.

of course, covid hit and everything fell apart, so it never happened. lucky them. they went on many trips together after that. i know bc i haven't unfollowed or blocked all of them on social media. they're not often on it so it doesn't matter too much.

but they've posted abt their other trips together.

including one BEFORE i had "left the group" that they just. didn't tell or ask me about.

but i was Too Much for them.

despite everything--despite putting up with their treatment of me and not even noticing it was wrong or bad--i was so excited to just spend more time w them and build my future plans involving and around them.

and even though THEY were the ones that started it...

me doing it was Too Much.

and now i have this group

and the group has splintered bc three of them roomed together and it went Very Weird

and now there's literal hatred and animosity btwn a couple of them

which has meant that for the first few miss frizzle games, all i got hanging w the ones i'm closer to afterwards was just an endless stream of angry complaints abt the other players--

even when i thought everything was fine and had gone well.

yes, even i get frustrated w those two players sometimes. but this last session went really well and the story's picking up and i'm excited for it. and i just--the things that have made me frustrated. i've gotten over. or i've said something in a funny way to make the complaint/dislike clear so we can laugh abt it and move on and it won't get repeated. and it's worked.

but i'm just.

it used to be that we could all chat in the discord sometimes

then that group fell apart

and then 3 of them were like "hey let's make our own server and hang out there"

and it was good for a while

and now it's radio silent, same as before

a few memes or tiktoks

but i'm the one in there most of the time

trying to start conversations and share things

and getting no response

and they're all going through shit, i know

but only loosely

because none of them fucking talk to me

i was called a best friend by one of them and now i'm not even on the list of ppl to inform abt her life. to complain to. to chat w. for months now.

and honestly i'm just so sad and tired and lonely over never having any responses to anything i put in the discord that i just--

i know they're all tired and overwhelmed. i know.

so i don't reach out asking abt that stuff.

if they wanted to complain to me or get my support, they would ask.

and i know that bc that's how it's been in the past.

but they're all in their own spaces and places w their own ppl who are. more enmeshed in their lives. more important. more everything.

and i'm just the annoying shithead who's like 5-6 years older than them just posting stupid shit in the discord for them to ignore.

and one of them bailed 15 mins before our miss frizzle game this past sunday, after having told me they could come and play. i also had set the expectation that ppl tell me if they can't make it w a few days' heads up, bc i need to be able to prepare. we could survive a couple ppl missing a class/game session here or there, it would be okay. and obviously shit happens last minute, so that's fine.

and i absolutely understand that they're going through the Pits of Depression Hell, rn.

but i only get it vaguely bc they don't talk to me. i am not an important or close friend.

i'm not saying that to insult them or myself. it's just true. i am not an important or close friend, for them.

but i asked them--on the off chance--if they might want to sit in on the session, since this "class" was going to be two gaming sessions, and if they could make it to the next one, i'd want them to know what was going on or lemme know any choices they made.

and i said either way, we'd just retcon that their character was there, no problem.

their response sounded. so fucking mad at me. "god i'm fucking sorry i went back to sleep. he's [the PC] basically plant life it's fine"

i didn't say

"hey fuck you for not showing up"

i asked if they'd wanna sit in the group and observe

partly bc sometimes sleeping curled up in a depression pit makes things worse, and partly just so it was easier for them to rejoin in the next session.

bc like. reading an entire game session summary is also a lot. and these players. have a hard time reading ANYTHING i send them. they do it. they manage it. just enough. oddly, the players i anticipated having the most trouble w that are the ones doing the best--my expectations have been flipped.

but i figured sitting in the zoom room might be vaguely entertaining background noise (w camera & mic off!) and they could pick up next session easier, and maybe being around ppl they generally like would be a little bit of a pickmeup.

but instead my question/offer was seen as. angry? needling? judgmental? idfk.

my response was me pretending nothing was wrong bc they had voiced nothing to indicate that anything WAS wrong, and i'm having to work on not interpreting things from ppl when they haven't communicated anything to me. if someone is upset w me or if i hurt them, they HAVE TO TELL ME or i cannot do anything abt it. it's not fair to either of us to expect me to psychically divine every time something is wrong.

and they responded in kind.

but i'm just like.

what the fuck?

you don't talk to me. you don't respond to anything i say. you said, before this campaign ever began, that you "just want a campaign that actually happens"

and then 15 mins before the game you bail--when i have to calculate and balance encounters for a certain number of players AHEAD OF TIME. when i have to spent a lot of time preparing roleplay scenes and information to give your character.

so i'm kind of scrambling, yeah, and hoping that maybe you'll sit in on the session--NOT PLAY! NOT TALK! NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PARTICIPATING AT ALL SOCIALLY OR IN THE GAME!--so that it's easier for BOTH OF US to prepare for the next session

because now i have to type up a whole game summary to fill them in on what they missed

assuming, of course, that they don't bail on the next game 15 mins beforehand

i just. i understand that things happened.

but i quite literally went into the discord w just the 3 of them who were like "let's all be friends in here!" and then proceeded to fucking ignore me

and i said basically--

'hey what's the vibe? how are y'all feeling abt the campaign and playing in it, rn? bc i'd be fine hitting pause until y'all felt more ready to participate. we could do oneshots and jackbox game sessions, instead, for a few weeks or a couple months, and then jump right back in. bc i have this campaign literally outlined through to the end, so we WILL complete it. we're NOT bailing on it. lol but we could hit pause if need be. bc this game is a lot of work, and i want y'all to be there in such a way that you can enjoy it. i don't want y'all to miss out or not be present mind-wise. so if we need to hit pause, let's do that.'

and to be clear, no one had communicated ANYTHING to me.

but that was sort of the point.

radio silence.

how am i supposed to interpret that? what am i supposed to do with that, except infer that i should ask them how things are going?

they won't talk to me about their lives, maybe they'll fucking talk to me about this game that THEY wanted to happen. that THEY are invested in. that THEY requested have a large, overarching story and lots of roleplay.

no one directly engaged w anything i said. they both responded abt the upcoming game, and that was it. said they'd check in by friday.

i had to remind them and ask explicitly to get a response friday at like 5 fucking pm

and if that doesn't say it all abt where their priorities are right now

which--

WOULD BE FUCKING FINE

IF THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME

but they don't and won't.

and here i sit capable of only feeling so many emotions.

if they're (the one who responded as such above) mad at me for being too "businesslike" abt the game, despite me not being a dick abt it and saying it was fine either way, then i'm sorry

but maybe try actually fucking talking to me AT ALL abt ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE GAME so that way it actually feels like maybe we're friends

instead of me being an unpaid DM doing a LOT of fucking work for a group of people who don't particularly care abt me or my wellbeing or the work i'm putting in

and who have lives and friends and family and other shit that's infinitely more important than me

and to circle back around, part of the reason i was so. baffled and confused--and i didn't even have the space or capacity to process and feel that at first--by the angry response to my offer/question

is because

if it's that bad

why are you isolating away from me?

i can't DO anything for you if you don't talk to me! if you don't fucking say anything!

i'm trying to reach out these stupid little branches for fun little moments of conversation and goofiness and what have you

and just. no takers. no response. no nothing.

and idk what their life is like bc they don't talk to me.

none of the three really talk to me.

and forget the other three players, i NEVER talk to them. i am just someone who DMs for them.

they don't ask abt my life or anything. we don't talk abt it.

i don't have a friend group.

i have a group of people, half of whom claim that i am their friend and do nothing to demonstrate it, that i DM for and work my ass of for, and i get nothing in return.

i just wanted them to have fun.

and this last session went so well

but that's it. that's all the time i have to talk to these ppl.

my requests that we hang out more--forgotten for weeks, so i don't bring it up again. bc i have ALWAYS been the one asking.

only to find out, every time throughout my life, that they were all hanging out without me anyway. that i'm just annoying.

i'm Too Much. they don't like me. they don't want me.

and when they do, it's just for advice or support or to use me for something, like DMing.

that's it.

and when we talk abt the game i get excited bc i work so hard on it and i care abt it so much and this is my FIRST TIME EVER DMing for a longform campaign

i have so many hundreds of pages written, so many maps made, so many characters and plots and stories to keep track of

because they asked me to

an option for this campaign was for it to be a monster of the week type thing. no overarching plot. no outer worlds. just a new class each week, everything's fine, then the class ends, end of campaign.

but they wanted an overarching story. and i made it. really big. and, i hope, really cool. really interesting and exciting to try and figure out. something that they'll have fun pulling apart, that will be compelling when it's revealed--all of its itinerant pieces revealed and explained, one by one, over the course of the campaign.

and i just.

want friends.

period.

but also, friends with whom i can get really excited abt this campaign.

and i offered to pause the campaign so everyone could rejoin properly.

and so far the one who bailed 15 mins before--btw, going through diff med changes which are ALWAYS difficult, and didn't fucking think to tell me until i'd had to explicitly ask abt attendance and scheduling like a fucking pain in the ass HR manager or teacher scolding them--has said nothing abt it.

bc they just don't fucking talk to me.

but clearly they need the time as well

and what, they think that despite the fact that i have the entire campaign outlined, that i'll bail on it?

meanwhile the three i was worried abt bailing on the game are fully in, and the three who claimed to be completely in and want this most are not able to be in it, right now. and won't communicate that to me.

i mean to be fair it's really only two of them at the moment.

but now i'm just going down this whole again where i get worked up about the campaign.

but i'm just. realizing. that part of the anger and frustration--which i have to emphasize is not AT any of them--is bc.

they don't need/want me as a friend.

i am not important outside of the game.

and now the game is not even in their top 5 priorities--and i understand why.

but now it's like

they don't ask me for help or support

they don't care abt the things i say

they don't want to have fun conversations or times with me

and they can't be there for this game that i am working so fucking hard on for them

i am making this game for them.

it's really, REALLY hard for my brain to do this. i can't judge if i'm saying too much or not enough. if i'm making something disappointing and boring. i can't tell if they're actually enjoying it, or if the few of them who say "that was fun, thanks, beck!" are humoring me or if they really mean it.

i can't tell if this is exciting and cool. if they like the NPCs. if they like the other PCs and the roleplaying. if they see the mystery. if they're invested.

i can't tell.

and i get little hints that, maybe they are?

and so i worry i'm just in my head abt this, that i'm making this game for me.

i want to have fun, too.

but all of the things i'm doing--i'm doing bc they asked me to.

i offered a miss frizzle game.

i decided i needed to make the world for it.

i asked them what they wanted from the game

and after a lot of fucking pestering they FINALLY told me what they wanted (bc it took them forever to fill out a 4 question survey where the answer could be "nope i'm good!" to basically all the fucking questions, takes 5 mins at most)

and i took that to heart

and i built a world and a plan and a campaign around that

i worked to find ways to connect everything to each of their characters

i've put so much into this

and i'm just

feeling really confused and conflicted

bc no one wants me.

they maybe want me as a DM. maybe.

and that requires. so much work on my part.

and i don't get. any actual friendship from them.

i don't even get to help them with their problems or talk to them abt stuff. i don't even get that anymore.

i feel annoying trying to talk abt the game between sessions. like i'm annoying all of them.

and i just--

this is part of why i resent being told to reach out and be interested in other people

they find me annoying and creepy and Too Much

bc i love other people

as much as i say i hate them

i hate them bc they hate me

i wanted to just read my book and go to fucking sleep early tonight and instead i've been sitting here for an hour crying and typing this up.

and for what?

it changes nothing.

and then fuck me, too, for the times when i'm too tired to want to be engage in a full conversation.

or i'm wary of replying too quickly to something bc what if i'm being annoying or overwhelming?

worrying with every message i send that i've done something wrong. bc isn't that always the case?

and so i want to respond when i feel good enough to respond w the right tone and it's not forced or fake.

bc i guess i'm still trying to perform the interesting agreeable cool funny friend

even talking abt problems i don't talk abt anything that someone can't relate to at all.

and things in my life are so nebulous and weird anyway.

no one could "offer support", right, so why do i even want or miss it?

it's just stupid. i'm tired of being 28 fucking years old and still having to deal with shit like this.

and all those "life gets better in your 30s"

do you SEE the world?

i'll be lucky if i even make it to 40.

not even by my own hand. just everything else.

"there's always time to start what you wanna do"

that's a nice sentiment. it's even true a lot of the time.

when there's not a pandemic. when you have money. and friends. and opportunities and options in front of you. and no disabilities.

i'm just being stupid and shitty and negative now.

but i sort of resent anything that makes me feel fulfilled or alive rn bc then the crash back to earth hurts even worse.

the absence of everything else the majority of the time feels even worse.

and i'm not going to talk to ANY of them abt this bc what would be the point?

they're not in a place to handle a conversation like that w any grace. i'm not even MAD at them! they haven't deliberately done anything wrong, they're just struggling! a lot!

and last time i tried to have a conversation abt things that i was worried abt or hurt by or just wanted to clear up, everything imploded around me and i ended up ghosted and abandoned and blamed for everything.

shit's already empty and absent enough without me throwing dynamite at it and making it worse.

it's just that normally the effort i put into a friendship is immaterial.

but now i'm DMing this game and the effort is very material.

and now i'm feeling it more accutely.

and i can't do anything abt it.

i just.

hanging out w friends makes me feel better. and i KNOW that's the case for most people.

and here i am, trying to make that happen in a low stakes way just talking in discord.

and still nothing.

just.

nothing.

i'm a bad person for trying. for asking. for wanting.

i can't help if i don't know, if they don't tell me.

but they don't want me to ask. bc they don't respond to anything i say, at this point.

enough to know they're alive. and that's abt it.

0 notes

culminada · 2 months

Text

If I don't have the spoons to do something, I don't do it.

Or, if it's not worth spending the spoons, I don't spend them. I COULD exert myself and spend extra spoons on a given thing; the question is, is it worth that many spoons?

And a lot of the time it's not. For neurotypicals, brushing your teeth or taking a shower everyday is the most sensible use of time and energy for how much benefit it brings. For me, it's not, because it takes that many more spoons.

The trick is in manipulating how I FEEL about my decision after I've made it. On the one hand, I have to trust myself and my assessment. I gotta be okay chillaxing, marking it up as a loss, and moving on. I'm very good at this. I also have fewer pressures from a neurotypical society because I have a good relationship with my parents and was homeschooled; I haven't learned to feel bad about not matching some ideal. (My mom also is at least ADHD if not also autistic, and for much of my childhood didn't have the spoons to make me brush my teeth every night.)

At base, though, it's simply knowing yourself, being able to trust yourself, and having good enough boundaries to not care what people who don't matter might think of you. If you don't have the spoons to go to that event, don't go. Sure, it's not fun to have to miss an event you were excited for, but if you don't have the spoons then you don't have the spoons; or if it takes more spoons than you were expecting, or you're lower on spoons today than you were expecting, you have to make that call.

You're the only one who can. Everything in life, really, comes down to the question: is it worth it? Is it worth it to care, to act, to express? If not, then don't - and don't sweat it.

I see a lot of neurodivergent memes along the lines of, "worrying bc I'm not being productive -> worry keeps me from being productive-> worry bc I'm not being productive -> repeat cycle," and I don't relate to this because I don't worry abt not being productive.

If I do worry? Then I think what I can do to fix it and ask if that's worth it. If not, I say, too bad so sad, no need to be upset. I made this decision and it's the only sensible decision, now I'll enjoy what I can. The rest for example. Or my special interest. Or sleep.

If I CANT do the thing - e.g., trapped in executive dysfunction - then if I've genuinely tried, and spent as many spoons as I'm willing to on trying, then I can safely give up. I did my best, and so what if I got nothing done? Don't be so hard on myself. I did my best.

If I 1) have made a decision (e.g. I'm not going to the event) and feel bad enough about not going (bc I really did want to go), then I may re-evaluate. Since I've realized I want to go to this thing more than I thought I wanted it, does that mean it's worth spending more spoons? How many more? Is it enough to actually go? Do I want to go bad enough to spend all the spoons I need to?

If so, I go! Yay! I usually enjoy myself. Sometimes there's consequences (e.g. no spoons for something else). I try to consider those when making my decision though. If I decide its not worth the spoons, I don't go. I chillax. I don't sweat it.

Sweating it takes spoons, don't you know. I've got those in short supply. I gotta save them for important things that I DO care enough to spend spoons on.

Sometimes, a given thing takes spoons to let go of. Change is hard for the autistic brain. Sometimes it deals -10hp to spoon storage and that can't be helped. Sometimes, it can be helped with logic and autonomy. I get to make the final decision if I do the thing or not. That's autonomy.

I'll say this: I rarely face a situation where I dont HAVE spoons at all in the first place. Couldn't do it even if I was willing to spend 100 spoons because I don't have them. Maybe this is because I'm good at managing my spoons, have an understanding family, environment, and my culture doesn't expect outrageous things of me (*cough cough* graduation *cough cough* college *cough cough* a job), or maybe I just have the autism 'milder.'

Regardless, for neurodivergents and neurotypicals alike, knowing how to manage your anxiety, spoons, and autonomy is important.

The few times I've simply not had the spoons, it's been awful. Autonomy is one of the big huge things that helps me manage my life and feel okay about myself. One morning a few weeks ago I couldn't work (executive dysfunction because I wasn't dressed in the right clothes) and I couldn't get dressed (too many spoons, also would take way too long). And I sat and cried because I'd been trying all week to get to work. (I work for my father btw.) I'd been tweaking my sleep schedule, trying to get off Tumblr the Executive Function Destroyer, etc. For a week and I finally was at a place where I was 1) awake, 2) not getting bogged down with things all morning, 3) capable of working, and... I wasn't actually capable of working. For something wholly outside my control.

I WANT to work. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the people I'm with. I want to impress the people I'm with. I DON'T want to disappoint them. We have a vision and I'm enthusiastic about it. Our project is amazing and I want to help. AND I COULDN'T.

Thats awful. I don't know how people deal with it regularly.

Having to stress about things, I think, takes a huge toll on spoons. If you can't do a thing, then don't, and don't sweat it. Maybe it helps to have a higher power to trust in, because I know it does for me - but please. Don't stress it. You're only hurting yourself. Make the decision once, maybe twice, and let it rest.

#actually autistic #autistic adult #autism

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ezdotjpg · 2 years

Note

what dose mask think of the rest of the bonus links?

sorry this took so long lol i have a lot to say tho

mage: he thinks mage is Very Cool and mage is the only link he has never snapped at. he's very excited to learn more magic from him. however I think he also has no idea how to have a conversation with him lol. he's probably the link he respects the most, but isn't necessarily the one he trusts most

War: mask says he absolutely doesn't trust him, but actually implicitly trusts him a lot more than he realizes. I think i've said it before, but war is the first person mask looks to instinctively in a crisis. he'll make it known how much he dislikes war as a person, but he also still kind of sees him as an authority figure. I think he willfully refuses to see any of the ways war has changed since he last saw him, or at least any of the ways he's changed for the better.

wolf: he likes wolf but also does not understand why wolf has such a soft spot for him. he's caught somewhere between enjoying it and finding it smothering. he thinks wolf is funny tho and respects the way he'll stand up to war when he disagrees with him (and also the fact that he clowns war lmao). He thinks wolf often looks sad

slate: he's extremely confused by slate lmao there's so many things abt him that are frighteningly familiar and yet not quite right, and slate doesn't seem to know anything about it. He deals with his confusion mostly by deciding he dislikes slate even tho slate is friendly to him. He's also jealous of slate's fairy companions.

mini: LITTLE BROTHER!! mini is technically only a year younger than him but bc of time travel shenanigans mask just kind of sees himself as older than that (technically he is? u know what. whatever). they don't talk much but they vibe. mask think he's clever and strange

wake: the link that mask trusts the most and probably the one he views most like an older brother. he's the only one who can really get mask to talk abt anything that's happened to him outside of the bare minimum details they need for their quest. wake gets him to have more fun instead of being sulky

loft: mask has complicated feelings abt loft lol he's irritated with loft's belief in the goodness of the goddess and the master sword, and angry with him as the original object of demise's curse. he goes out of his way to antagonize him. but he also trusts loft. he knows in his heart that loft is kind and that none of this is his fault

mirror: hmmm he thinks mirror is dramatic and kind of annoying, but he doesn't Really have a problem with him. he's jealous of mirror's ability to be charming and begrudgingly respects his confidence lol

spirit: he has a soft spot for spirit, who is probably the second most trusted out of all of them. He would be the first, except for this fact that this version of spirit isn't really the one he knows since he hasn't been through the war of ages yet. he feels weirdly protective of this younger spirit, even if he's still technically older than mask.

#askdotjpg #bonus mask #bonus links #bonus lore #bonuslinks #bonuslinksdotjpg

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infernalrevenge · 3 years

Note

HCs abt an S/O of Lady D's who's struggling to get her daughters' approval? It's rarely addressed in fanfics, but y'all.. becoming a stepparent is a hard and frustrating journey, especially when mama and kids have such tight bonds. Makes small wins feel so rewarding, tho! What are your thoughts on that? How would D react, how would she help? (or make it harder, in true possessive Mother Hen™ fashion..) Which flybaby would warm up to S/O first? How would S/O try to win each of them over, etc..?

Oooh this is a really cool thought! Not that I have a lot of experience with stepparents but yeah, changes and adjustments in family dynamics like that can't be easy. I think I'm gonna have some fun with this.

When the Dimitrescu sisters found out you were the human dating their mother, at first they were mostly indifferent. Not like it's their business as to who Alcina gets it on with anyway (and they could also be thinking you would quickly turn to lunch if you fuck up badly enough, in which case they would gladly join her in the feast.)

They might quip with you sometimes, but for the most part, you're left alone.

But when they realized you were here to stay and might become a parental figure in their life... oh boy.

You're telling them they have to answer to you now? A mere mortal? On what grounds? Just because you have sex with their mom? They think the fuck not.

Hell, they're individually old enough to be your parent, so truly... what the fuck?

(Part of that fear of you joining the family may come from thinking that Alcina now has someone else to preoccupy herself with, so there's less time for them. Perhaps even less love for them. They can't have that. That can't happen.)

As for your partner's reaction? She's kind of torn. On one hand, she understands how her daughters feel about having a new family member suddenly join the dynamic -- someone they barely know relative to each other. You could have been around for a few years, but they've been all together for more than half a century, and they're doing just fine.

On the other, she wants to see you all getting along. She loves you and wants you to be a part of her life, and of course she also loves her daughters with all her heart.

She's not really sure what to do, so she kind of... ends up not doing anything.

But she is curious as to what you'll do about the situation though, since the sisters would hardly make it a secret that your presence is an annoyance at best, completely unwanted and unwelcome at worst.

Bela, surprisingly, might be the hardest to win over. You would think that, as the eldest, she should be the one to lead by example and be the mature one. Plus, she's always looking for her mother's approval, so approving of you may get her on her good side (and yours.)

But she's very opposed to change, especially one that affects her life this much when it's not her choice.

She lets Cassandra and Daniela get away with pulling harmless pranks on you to get under your skin, or make Alcina mad at you. She pretends to not have a direct hand in them and would passive-aggressively remark on whatever they did.

Oh, your clothes were misplaced and looking for new ones made you late to a date with the Lady? "None of them were very nice anyway. This is doing you a favor."

You found dog poop under your bed and now you reek? "I don't smell that much of a difference."

Getting doused in sticky honey and molasses somehow? "At least Mother has a reason to think you're sweet now."

They would never do anything to hurt you, not unless they want to incur their mother's wrath or sadness, just... little things (hopefully enough to get you to leave.)

But luckily, if you're a patient and persistent person, they (ever so) slowly warm up to you in different ways.

The most important thing to remember is that they're different people despite having a lot of things in common, so your manner of approaching them will have to vary for each sister.

Daniela might be the easiest to win over, such a sociable little fly. She might try to be standoffish at first, but if you bring up a book series that she enjoys reading as a topic for conversation, she can and will keep you there for hours talking about the characters, dissecting certain themes, and explaining her theories of the inner machinations of the plot.

If you actually start reading it upon her recommendation, she becomes ecstatic. Finally, someone other than her sisters she can explain these theories to! And someone who can actually relate and add on to them!

Eventually, she'll come to realize that having you around won't mean the end of their family. It just means they're getting more out of it -- a new member to love, and one who loves them.

Cassandra might be a little territorial about her current interests, so you'll have to take on a different approach.

Maybe try introducing her to something that peripherally matches what she likes now. She seems to really like hunting and torture to take her aggression out on, so uh... maybe try martial arts?

It would be more fun if it was something the both of you were new at, so you could bond over attempting to do things together. Nothing says "I want to get to know my stepdaughter better" like letting her throw you to the mat and laugh in excitement when she gets the technique right.

She is still very stubborn though, so she may take a while to fully convince. Even when it seems like you're on her good side, there's a tiny bit of denial. But she'll come around, no matter how reluctant.

Finally, as for Bela, she just needs to see that, though most of her family now genuinely likes you, that it doesn't have to change a thing about how they feel about her either. They're not going to abandon her or anything that drastic just because someone new has entered their lives.

Seeing her sisters approve of you can be jarring, no matter how long or gradual the process may have been. Like, weren't they switching out your shampoos and putting snakes in your closet last year? Why is everyone buddy buddy now? (Why are they leaving her behind?)

She'll start to act bitter toward everyone, feeling like she's been betrayed and shut herself away. She doesn't even want to see her own mother anymore.

But eventually, you have to talk to Alcina to do something too -- she could see you were making an effort, but she's not making it clear to her daughters what exactly was happening. She should be the first to approach Bela regarding the subject, along with her sisters.

You may need some time alone with her as well to drive the point home too. Having more people in the family doesn't mean less love, but in fact it means more, because now you're there to care for her too.

And she has to admit that seeing her mother care for you, having her sisters like you, it didn't really feel like they were any different towards her. They were more insistent in getting her to spend time with you, sure, but other than that... things were mostly the same.

The acceptance may be begrudging at first, but when she actually gets used to this new norm, she'll come around.

If you want to bond with her, you can teach her something. She likes learning new things, and she'll start to warm up to you more if she has reason to keep going to you to get this new information.

It can be anything -- music, arts, sports, cooking, you name it. Even introducing her to new technology will help get on her good side. You'd be surprised at how quickly she gets into it that you start to wonder why it was so hard to get her to like you in the first place.

Also, just talk to her. As a person, as your new daughter, whatever. Just acknowledge her and be honest. She appreciates the little things.

All in all, it's going to be tough. The journey will have its ups and downs, and not everything is going to be smooth sailing. Communication is key, though, as with any sort of relationship. Let the girls know you care for them just as much as you love and care for their mother. In a way, that's all they really want.

But they're not calling you "mom/dad/parental unit". First name basis with a stepparent (affectionate) all the way.

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oniongarlic · 2 years

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Any advice for writers block but for visual art?

Ok, im gonna approach this from the position of a hobbyist, because professional art is a beast of a different colour [i can talk abt that some other time if anyone wants to hear it] also i realize i got a bit long winded about this, but bear with me. Also I’m going to say drawing a lot, but this can apply to whatever medium or technique.

So lets say i played a bit of tennis before in school and i really liked it and want to get back into it. I go out and buy a racket and some balls, and i show up on the local court brimming with excitement. I am going to be the Serena Williams of this tennis court, everyone will see my secret well of innate talent overflow like a geyser, nobody will be able to believe their eyes when they see my perfect first try spin serve. I launch the ball as high into the air as i can muster, i feel my secret innate talent balloon inside of me and the ball descends. I strike my racket at it with the full amount of raw force i can physically produce. The ball bounces at my feet. I missed my first shot. Completely whiffed it. The balloon of secret innate talent explodes and deep shame and embarrassment washes over me. I’m not Serena Williams. I’ll never be an amateur tennis player. I suck at tennis and I’m a failure. I go home and hide the balls and racket in the back of my closet and try very hard never to think about them.

So that sounds like a bit of an exaggeration, but that is how i’ve seen so many people approach art. There is this mythology around art that “You either have it, or you dont” and that the people who are really good were born with those skills. The mythology of “innate talent” is a huge toxic lie, for two reasons:

It makes beginners think that they cannot do it. People run into the first bit of technical difficulty and take that to mean that they are a failure, instead of recognizing that difficulty and multiple failed artworks is a natural and essential part of the process of learning an art medium. You will fail a lot. It’s part of the experience.

It discredits and erases the extreme amount of work that higher level artists have put into their practice. They have almost always spent years, decades, developing their skill.

While “innate talent” is not real, I’ll tell you what IS real. These steps listed below.

1. Commit to a regular schedule of practice

The first bad habit any artist has to demolish is waiting to be inspired to start practicing their medium. If you only draw when you have a great idea, by the time you start on your magnum opus your drawing skills are likely to have atrophied in the time you spent lying on your chaise longue searching your blank mind for an idea and the drawing will not be successful. Make time on a weekly basis to physically partake in drawing, even if you have no particular inspiration yet. In drawing ideas come from the hand, not the brain, and you’ll find yourself having FAR more ideas when your hand is moving on the paper than when you are sitting still, not engaging the hand and eye.

2. Set attainable goals

The best thing about art is the challenge of gradually building a skill, and it helps to create specific and attainable goals along your journey. This could be anything from increasing your stamina to draw for longer periods to achieving finer shading, to learning to draw faster. It depends on what you want to achieve, but always set yourself a goal that can be achieved in 10 works or less.

3. Change mediums OR stick with it

If you’re wrestling with your tools, now is the time to decide whether you want to use something else or not. If the end products you make at the best of your ability just don’t please you and the art that others have made in that medium don’t inspire you, try a different medium. What paintings/drawings do you like? Find out how those were made and maybe try making a picture that way. On the other hand, if you really love the end products made by other artists using the same medium as you but you’re just not there yet on the skill level, its time to dig deep. You will get through this difficult period and you will succeed if you work hard.

Special note for digital artists: try and also learn a traditional medium. Digital art is informed by traditional art, so it would help to be familiar with a traditional medium that is comparable to your digital style.

4. Draw something intentionally bad

If u are REALLY stuck, draw the ugliest drawing u can. I want to see like the shittiest picture of sonic the hedgehog and bart simpson riding scooters with pizza. Draw the “cool S” a few times. Just get some marks down on your page

5. Draw something from life

I don’t care if you have a cartoon style, you WILL benefit from drawing something realistically. It trains the eye, hand, and mind to work together like nothing else, AND the criteria is straightforward. Does your drawing look like whatever you have in front of you? Is the only question you have to ask. This is a good thing to practice when you dont have anything in particular that you want to draw, because by the time the idea occurs to you, your eye, hand, and mind have already been working together and will be ready for the task. Choose something simple to draw, an apple or something. It’s just hand training.

Special note for cartoon people: cartoons are distilled from realistic visual impressions of the world. You wont lose your style by practicing drawing something realistically. It will improve your cartoon style, because now you will know in greater detail what it is you are distilling.

6. Youtube

You can learn anything on youtube. Search up “how to paint/draw [what u want to draw] with [your medium]” and i can almost guarantee there is an artist on youtube with a video detailing exactly how they did what you are trying to do. Watch what other artists do and copy their techniques. A lot of us are learning art all alone now, as opposed to earlier periods in art where artists would all be in a big room together, watching their teacher and each other. This leads to some real artistic anemia because people are missing out on a huge visual component of learning art, which is watching a master do it. Watch youtube videos of what you want to do and mimic what you see.

7. Longterm goals

Time for my second section on goal making, this time those big juicy goals that take a long time to achieve. Make yourself a folder or collage of art from artists who make the kind of art you want to make. These should be like your top tier best of the best in ten years from now artistic inspirations. These works will inform what you need to practice in the meantime to grind your skill into a sharp point.

A final note about style copying:

Contemporary artists can be touchy about style copying, “stylejacking” as its sometimes called, so while you can and should learn techniques from other artists, it is best not to try to perfectly inhabit the style of a working artist. If your main inspirations are all currently alive, try to blend inspirations and techniques from ten or more of them. If the artist you are copying has been dead for 50+ years you can pretty much go ham. Within reason.

#long post #art block #they wre all labeled step 1 for some reason #fixed that

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