#i got that they literally find out nothing 😴

[riksaes]

Hii I'm not sure if you've written this but could you do the perks of dating enhypen? Like what type of boyfriend they are, cute things they etc!!

enhypen as your boyfriend ₊˚⊹ᡣ𐭩

fluff , soft : idol au : clingy bf

rq for any kpop groups 🤍

masterlist

a/n: this is so cute!! I love this sm thank you for requesting!! hopefully this is up to your standards 🐈 sorry if there’s mistakes im just tired 😴

heeseung | 희승

as a boyfriend he would be putting you first 100% of the time. always caring for you when times are bad which is literally likewise for you to him. he’s open to pda but if you don’t feel comfortable he’s totally okay with it. due to both of you being an idol, you had to hide the relationship for quite a while. how your relationship got rumoured was after seeing him appear in your group’s documentary on netflix. which his agency came out saying you guys were dating and for quite a while blah blah blah. he’s so happy he gets to post photos of you on his main account on insta now and would totally flex you. during your period he’s the type of man to go “what’s size is your pad?”. he’s definitely cute and loving throughout the relationship

read more under the cut!

jay | 제이

jay is the type of boyfriend to make songs about you and release them anonymously on twitter. everyone finds out after one of them blowing up and realising it was jay. but also because he played the tune during a weverse live. I feel like if you guys were out in disguise he would hold the belt loop on your jeans when standing next you. definitely cooks for you when the members are out of the dorm. would definitely refer riki as his kid half the time which made him your adopted kid and just went with it. he’s the type of guy to known your coffee order off by heart. “yeah can I get a caramel grappucino and a _______”. LIKE AHHHH!! he loves to hug you out of nowhere and kiss your forehead during this process sometimes, this could last for a good ten minutes.

jake | 심재윤

jake is a golden retriever boyfriend like there’s no complaints or anything. he’s such a happy boyfie and literally your number one cheerleader with everything you do. because he’s australian he teaches you all the slangs so when he takes you, you’ll know everything. I bet he takes you to karaoke and sings a solo but at the start says “THIS ONE IS FOR YOU BABY”. this man is up for anything like you want to bake a cake he’s helping you out, you wanna build lego he’s already ready sitting at the table. because you both are in the kpop industry that means you both have to go by the rules (you don’t) to not get caught. that doesn’t end up well because you both were found in a connivence store eating together and lots of pda. he LOVES pda and showing you off so expect a lot but if it is a lot he’ll tone it down (he won’t it’ll only last a day). the reason you guys came out as a couple was because jake was going to send a selfie of him onto weverse but instead it was a photo of both you and him. he realised and quickly deleted then posting the right one then trying to gaslight fans with “no you guys must of been dreaming” if they asked what was going on with the first picture. eventually it gets posted that you both are happy with each other

sunghoon | 박성훈

sunghoon is literally a pinterest boyfriend you would find if you looked up boyfriend. definitely is a bit scandalous with the paparazzi with you but definitely makes sure nothing goes out for your safety and well-being. teaches how to ice skate so you both can hang out a lot at the ice rink. I feel the reason why you guys were rumoured at first was because of koreaboo for no reason. it was a couple that looked like you but wasn’t due to you both being on tour in a WHOLE different country. which caused a lot of confusion for fans and the agencies involved. but then they came out saying you both were in a relationship and happy which caused you both being the top # for the week. he’s the type of boyfriend to spoil you to do your nails and you end up showing on weverse. “guys look I got my nails done bc of my boyfie spoiling me :3” LIKE CUTE CUTE CUTE!! I feel like there would be a anonymous account on youtube that arises from the first video which is just a camera vlog of you both randomly. he’s the type of guy to hold the your back in crowded places or just randomly kiss your shoulder when hugging the back of you in public. but he loves u heaps and would literally die for u

sunoo | 선우

sunoo and you were definitely were alike; soft, cute and lazy. I feel like you both were already friends from your group being in eno-clock videos but then got closer without anyone knowing. I feel like both groups would find out easily because of both of you. After a tiktok challenge both of you did to sponsor each others comeback albums people would point out on how sunoo would look at you differently at the end of the dance or during it compared to others he’s done with. I have a feeling sunoo would just post a photo of you both then leave the public eye for weeks. which obviously everyone realised you both were in a relationship. definitely the boyfriend to call you every night and talk for hours to the point it was like 3am. definitely hypes your group up during award shows which everyone calls the relationship cute and definitely wholesome. he’s the type to buy something you recommend and then ends up recommending it to engenes. “oh I would definitely recommend this because y/nie told me to get it and it’s really good!! 10/10 would get!” like how cuteeee!!!

jungwon | 정원

because jungwon was the leader of enhypen he wasn’t allowed to get in heaps of scandals. but the cute cat he is you guys definitely get in a relationship all because you said on weverse live that your type was boys were who remind you of cats. this is because you own a brown cat called sizzle. the reason why you guys got caught dating was definitely after you guys were found at a cat cafe near your agency. it was obvious it was a date but a lot of people defended you guys saying it was a enhypen vlog episode which eventually had to come out earlier due to the rumours. jungwon loves to hype you up in anyway which was caught on camera as well. I feel like you guys got caught a lot and people brushed it off because you both were close friends but I think there would be a statement coming from both agencies on a random day saying you both are dating. this blows up on tiktok, twitter, weverse and literally every platform. he loves to give big sloppy kisses on the cheek to annoy you but I feel like he would also be the type of person to stop and take a photo of a stray cat and send it to you. “baby look I saw a cat that looks like sizzle in ___!!” he such a cutie patootie : (

ni-ki | 니키

if both cat and a dog (TXT MENTION RAHHHH) were in the same room that’s literally the definition of both of you. ni-ki being the quiet cat and you the golden retriever. you both were known for being the youngest of your group but also the best dancer. you both were friends from training together back years ago but both lost contact during your way to the kpop industry. ni-ki even states that he was friends with a female idol who’s a year younger but lost contact which he wished didn’t happen because of how close you both were. after he said this everyone would try and figure it out until they realised it was you. a year younger, from the same training industry, same style, best dancer of your group but different personalities. this gets taken to koreaboo stating why it was you and different things. you both get caught out shopping in shops looking for certain items. I think as time passes by you both get together and just saying it both on a weverse live or at least one of you popping in one of them. it was obvious but cute in a way because of the backlash ni-ki gets for no reason with other girl idols which can come to a stop. he’s the type of boyfriend to let you play with his hair and choose the type of earrings he wears daily. he also definitely facetimes you every night just to do a face and say goodnight. “night ig.. 😛” LOL but deeply adores you in a way and gives a certain look whenever your up on stage for the new comeback.

#enhypen x reader #enhypen #x reader #kpop #enhypen riki #niki x reader #riki nishimura x reader #kpop x reader #enhypen niki #enha sunoo #enhypen sunoo #sunoo x reader #sunoo #heeseung enha #heeseung enhypen #lee heeseung enhypen #lee heeseung #sunghoon enha #sunghoon x y/n #sunghoon enhypen #sunghoon x reader #sunghoon #jay enha #jay enhypen #jay x reader #jake enha #jake x reader #jungwon enha #jungwon x y/n #₊˚⊹ᡣ𐭩 avas works

[imrllytootiredforthis]

cy i have so many ideas its crazy 😭😭

when i was in high school i hated my chemistry classes 💀💀but now when i think about it... yk in some classrooms especially where biology and chemistry classes are held there is a small room attached to them like a storeroom? where they have all the equipment and supplies ? lmao this is already so long but i just needed to describe it, it gets better i promise

so like yesterday i randomly remembered one of my chemistry classes and suddenly i thought abt soob in those glasses like you know, the black ones ..him in a doctor's coat and..the other students are in class totally unaware of what two new teachers are doing in the storeroom😋😋damn just,, making out w him all while having ur knee between his crotch?? ordering him to be quiet or else everyone will find out what a slut their new chem teacher is (he'd secretly love it, we all know the boy is a slut for degradation and humiliation)😔he'd whimper soso much he wants more and he needs more, he's so riled up,, practically drooling but the fact that he can't have u fuck the brains out of him now makes him practically cry and beg to stop,, the pleasure is too much to handle☹️☹️(u could literally swear at him😭😭i bet he'd let out a couple of moans at that😴)

PLS THIS IS SO LONG,,,i couldn't stop myself cause begging soob>> idk whats gotten into me lately but ig i have a tiny thing for exhibitionism?😩😩no but fr its so hot?

p.s. im glaad ur here for the weekend 😭😭i'll patiently wait for ur official comeback ❣️

i saw this right when i woke up...and jesus, i love you so, so much because😵‍💫😵‍💫

are you, by chance talking abt this soob?...

him in a white lab coat😵‍💫😵‍💫

okay, okay

class started 10 minutes ago. the students are confused, checking the time, emailing their two new teachers to the class, some are even straight-up leaving, muttering about a waste of time

most stay, wondering if they just forgot or got stuff in traffic or something else

completely unaware to the fact that in the little storage closet off to the side of the room...

their pretty professor is shoved up against the wall, pinned with his arms beside his head, lip tugged between his teeth, panting and whining as he grinds down on your knee.

god, he's so needy, trying to quietly beg for more, gasping at the feeling of your teeth grazing his neck

"y'know, this isn't very professional professor choi," you start, pulling away, too composed when all he can do is let out the neediest little mewl, trying to reach his high while tears form in his eyes.

"d-don't care!" he tries to pull his hands away, cup himself and get the stimulation you're just barely giving him but your grip is iron strong, smile all too teasing and all too mean. "just m-make me feel good! please, wan', wan' you to fuck me!"

you press your thigh up against him hard. "right when all of our students are just outside, huh? want them to know that their professor is in here getting fucked like a slut?"

the moan he lets out is nothing less than completely ruined and very, very loud, reverberating through the small room in a way that would've been so hot if not where you were

his hand is free suddenly, as you slap a hand over his mouth, his eyes going wide. "shut up, you slut," you hiss,

the tears fall and you can feel drool building up behind your hand, he can't help himself, his head going on overdrive, his free hand gripping the bottom of your leg, fucking himself desperately against it.

"please, please, please," he whimpers, words garbled against your hand. "more, need more!"

#inbox💌 #soobin smut #sub soobin #sub!soobin #txt smut #sub txt #sub!txt #hard thoughts #txt hard thoughts #dom reader #dom!reader #d7dream<3 #ideas👀

[yourlocallyneysimp]

Genshin Impact x Makima!Reader

Characters: Scaramouche, Columbina, Lyney, Hu Tao, Gorou, Kazuha, Childe

A/N: This is rlly short- I also just finished watching Chainsaw Man because my friend forced me to. I still don't know much about Makima's character since I haven't read the manga, so I'm just going by the information in the anime. 😴

Warnings: Reader is manipulative, Makima's power is mentioned, blood in Scaramouche's part, hint of yandere themes

Scaramouche-

You make him anxious, a lot. He won't ever admit it of course, but he always goes out of his way to avoid you. It's just the way you always have the most normal expressions while talking about disturbing topics. He also feels like you could see right through him, through all his lies and secrets. It makes him uncomfortable just thinking about it.

He didn't think you were unusual at first since you looked pretty weak, but when the Tsaritsa partnered him up with you, he finally understood the reason why he always had this uneasy feeling around you. While having no luck finding the rest of the criminals the Tsaritsa tasked you both to find, you decided to use the ones you already caught to "end" the rest. As you were blindfolding them, you asked if Scara could cover his eyes too. He honestly thought this was all pretty stupid, but did it anyway since your gaze made him feel uncomfortable. After you were finished with business, Scara took the blindfold off and went on with his day as if nothing had happend. He wasn't going to waste his time with your silly games so he went to go look for the criminals himself. After he while, he found them. But....they were already dead..? At least he could see that one of them was the criminal since his head literally was twisted in the wrong direction. He couldn't tell from the others though aince they literally had no remains left except for blood. Wait.. This wasn't your doing..right? After putting the puzzle pieces together, he concluded that this was caused by you. He finally understood that you weren't human, but you were nothing like him. You were something that even he couldn't describe. A monster. That's what he came up with. Now he avoids you at all costs, not wanting to ever upset you fearing for what you would do.

Columbina-

What an odd, but interesting combination. You two would get along quite well. Columbina sees right through your lies and sweet talks and you could see right through her sarcasm. The Fatui could never tell if you both are serious or not since you both like teasing each other with interesting remarks and poking fun at the other harbingers. Columbina also loves your power. She personally enjoys seeing you crush your enemies with only the use of your hands, it's honestly a funny thing to look at. Columbina is sick and everyone around her knows that. She is the 3rd Fatui harbinger after all.

Lyney-

This combination fits really well. Two manipulative people finally meet each other. Your interactions would look normal to the people on the outside, but if they knew better, they would be able to tell that you both are in a constant state of conflict. Lyney likes teasing you while you enjoy acting as if his attempts of getting a different reaction out of you are not that obvious. You two also work well together when it comes to manipulating your co-workers. It's honestly a hobby that you both enjoy, seeing the determination on your workers faces as they try to amuse you.

Hu Tao-

Hu Tao likes you. She finds you fun and interesting to be around and loves that you don't treat her different like everyone else. She also tries to pull pranks on you, but never gets the reaction she always wants. It usually dissapoints her, but that quickly turns into happiness when you start giggling at her small attempts to scare you. Honestly, she doesn't even try to scare you anymore, she just want to hear you giggle again. It's a melody that she will never get sick of.

Gorou-

You got this man wrapped around your finger. Poor Gorou, he knows that you're not a good person, but he can't help but following you everywhere and all of your orders. He can't help but wanting to be your favorite dog. He also wants to be a loyal soldier to Watatsumi Island, but the way you treat him is strangely refreshing. You spoil him and reward him when he does something good. You would pet him on the ears praising him for his accomplishments. He would find many ways to impress you just so he could get praised again.

Kazuha-

Kazuha knew from the moment he saw you that you weren't the person you were claiming to be. He could tell that your act was clearly fake and that you weren't a good person. So, why did he become so interested in you? That's a question he could never solve. It's odd, he should be avoiding you since you were so overbearing to be around, but he finds himself always coming back to you. The way you make him feel, it's something he never felt before, even with the traveler! He was so addicted to this feeling, the feeling of being adored and loved. He knew you really didn't love him, that you were just using him for your own gain, but he still finds himself staying by your side craving for your love and affection.

Childe-

Childe knows better, he really does. He flirts with you a lot, but it's only because he wants to know more about you and your fake persona. He knows that you have many secrets, many that even the Tsaritsa probably doesn't even know about so he finds himself even more curious to uncover that information. Little does he know he fell right into your trap. Poor Childe, now he is wrapped right around your finger, unable to escape. Honestly, who knew that the 11th Fatui harbinger could be so careless? Well, he is the weakest after all.

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin impact x reader #Chainsaw Man #Makima #Scaramouche #Scaramouche x reader #Columbina #Columbina x reader #lyney #lyney x reader #reader #Hu Tao #Hu Tao x reader #Gorou #Gorou x reader #Kazuha #Kazuha x reader #Childe x reader

[suchagallabitch]

🫵weekly wednesday tag 🫵

omg I (simple old me?) have been bestowed upon the honour of coming up with these questions??? i would like to thank the academy for this most sacred honour 😋

1. if you could switch bodies with anybody for only one hour who would it be and what would you do? I think I gotta say taylor swift OBVI. first off im gonna dropping ME! acoustic version. Then I’m gonna hope lover deluxe is already recorded, drop that. If not i will make sure to text Jack and tell him that we need to record it so that i get it either way 😼. Then I would find out the definite truth of what happened between her and Karlie Kloss. I’d wire myself (as in me- me) a few million dollars, pet the cats and then post something really random on her instagram story. Literally want to make the public go absolutely bananas trying to figure out why taylor posted a random twitter meme. I have a lot of faith to believe this could all happen in an hour but I would try. SO hard.

2. whats your most trivial / dumbest hot take?I don’t think we should still be discovering animals. like what do you mean in the year of our lord 2023 we are STILL finding animals?? no they should all be discovered and if they havent been then i think they should stay undiscovered.

3. if you had to teach a college course what would it be in? I feel like we’re all expecting me to say something Taylor related but honestly I could teach a masterclass on the psychology of Ryan Murphy. I hate that man and i have so much to say about him and his productions

4. season 12 of shameless is suddenly happen and youve been put in charge! what plot point(s) are you gonna make happen? I cant think of anything substantial to actually contribute but i want Carl Gallagher to have a fruity little vape. I also want to see him quit the force and flourish in a new job!

5. who would be your godly parent? (can be any mythology). I’m gonna go with greeks as a Percy Jackson stan. I asked my bsf who is an expert in greek mythology. She said: “you’re a Aphrodite child cuz you’re a hopeless romantic and you appreciate beauty. You’re very particular in how you’re viewed and how everything you produce is viewed (what you write, how your feed looks like, etc.)” - I’m gonna have to agree with her on Aphrodite

6. what’s something you love about yourself? I think i’m so very very funny

7. describe your day in 5 emojis: 😴👁️👩‍💻✈️☕️

8. what shameless character do you think you could beat in a fight? Realistically i think the ONLY person i could beat in a fight is Liam and honest to god im not even sure i could.

9. tell us 2 truths and a lie, we’ll try to guess the lie!

- I’m double jointed

- I sleep on the left side of the bed

- I’ve never had pumpkin pie

10. do you have a pet(s). if so how did they get their name? I do! my son (cat) is named Chidi after the good place!

11. show us a meme (or picture) that captures your essence

self explanatory.

12. whats your typical coffee / tea / beverage order? see i gotta have a special lil drinky drink everyday and i mean my little drinky drinks are free so i am likw 80% gingerbread chai at any given time. Alternatively, an iced chestnut praline latte w/ praline cold foam.

13. use a song to describe the last 5 years of your life?

2019- its nice to have a friend- taylor swift

2020- ribs - lorde

2021- nothing new - taylor swift

2022- first love / late spring- mitski OR orlando- leith ross

2023- true blue - boygenuis OR now that we don’t talk - taylor swift.

Thank you friends thats all i got :)

I Tag: @deedala @darlingian @michellemisfit @mybrainismelted @too-schoolforcool @gallawitchxx @gardenerian @sam-loves-seb @thisdivorce @xninetiestrendx @scarcrosseduntouched @juliakayyy @y0itsbri @grumble-fish @grumpymickmilk @transmickey @surviving-maybe @metalheadmickey @heymrspatel @auds-and-evens @deathclassic @flamingbluepanda @crossmydna @sleepyfacetoughguy @vintagelacerosette @depressedstressedlemonzest @thepupperino @squidyyy23 @energievie 🫶🫶

#im on a plane rn #zoom zoom in the sky #elle does tags

[cuteconsortboys]

If the Naruto boys were allowed to have as many children as they wanted, how would they rank?

MOST

Kiba - 6 - I mean, there’s almost no chance he’s allowed to have six unless he’s part of a very small harem, but if he were left to his own devices, this is what would happen. I mean, he has access to nannies and a whole support network of his brother husbands. Why not have another one? Might as well! 

Itachi - 4 - He knows it’s impractical, but he’s always sort of imagined getting to have four. He has four girls names and four boys names picked out in his journal from when he was 16.

Gaara - 4 - He is so fascinated by children. There is nothing that brings him as much joy as watching a child learn about the world for the first time. He also delights in filling his children’s childhoods with the things he wasn’t allowed to do. He originally says he only wants two, but when his youngest has already learnt to walk, talk and read, he realises that he will never teach another child those things and he freaks out a little and asks for another one. And how can you deny a face like that??

Naruto - 3 - I put him at three, but I mean three pregnancies. So, sure that might mean three babies, but let’s be honest, he’s probably going to have at least one set of twins. If he has triplets on the first pregnancy, he’s still going to try for another one because he enjoys the experience of being pregnant and he wants to stagger his fatherhood experience over many years.

Iruka - 3 - He wants two children, which is plenty for him, especially considering the very active role he has in helping raise the other children of the harem, but when a raid on an enemy castle reveals a young orphan who’d been locked up in the dungeons for ‘crimes’ his parents had committed... Well, let’s just say when you decided to bring him into the harem with your biological children, Iruka was the first to volunteer to take on the role of father.

Haku - 3 - Three is the perfect number for Haku. He gets dreamy even thinking about it. It’s the perfect dynamic, and they’ll be able to support each other in a way he never got. Also, three is perfect for cuddling because you have the two eldest on each side and the youngest on top. Perfect. 

Neji - 2 - He definitely gets baby fever for a while even after he’s had two, but he refrains because he’s worried he won’t be able to give his current two as much attention as they need. He’s incredibly hands on and he constantly fights for them and protects them. If he has three, will they all get less from him? It’s not worth the risk. 

Shino - 1-2 - Shino likes to only have one very needy child at any one time. Much like Neji, he feels he can only give his best when he has one. However, if he had his first one very young, and they were already older than 12 when he was still fertile and if the empress agreed, he’d probably have another. So it depends on his timeframe for being able to have his first baby. 

Shikamaru - 1 - His ideal situation is his child is not important in the harem (which probably happens naturally because he’s too skilled to put on pregnancy leave too early in your reign lol), so that they can be trained to go back to his family in a leadership role. His family is a little more equal than most because of the incredibly high number of male babies born, so he knows they will be looked after there, male or female. He relies on the nannies and the other husbands a lot though! The daily monotony of child rearing isn’t his favourite thing. 

Sasuke - 0 - He’s just not interested. He’d rather be training or travelling or... literally anything else. He sometimes has moments of weakness where he’s like... should I? But all it takes is five minutes in the nursery/play room and he’s like no. 

Kakashi - 0 - He’s also not interested. He finds children funny sometimes as long as he can throw them back to their actual father at the end of it all. 

LEAST

(I definitely forgot people, but my brain is tired.... 😴😴😴)

#naruto #fem reader #fem!reader #reader insert #consort au #empress au #hcs #headcanons

[kmp78]

You are literally making zero sense K.

*ding dong* 🔔

The doorbell rang loudly and startled JL from his slumber. 😴

"Who the fuck is this now," he yawned on his way to the door. Poor bastard had just fallen asleep as is customary for gentlemen of a certain age as it was almost 8pm already. 🥱🚪

He grabbed the door handle annoyed.

"Don't you fucking know what time it i-..." 😳

In front of him stood SL wearing nothing but skimpy lacy undies and pink tassles hanging from each nipple. 🔞

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to wake you... I'll go now..."

"Don't you fucking dare!", JL gasped and grabbed SL's hand.

"Get in here before the neighbors see you! Gina's already collecting names around the block to have me evicted!"

SL quickly stepped in and turned to face JL.

"Well, I was just so lonely at home and I was wondering if..."

"Wondering what?"

SL fidgeted with the tassles, making JL feel all twitchy inside. 😵‍💫

"Wondering what?", JL grew impatient.

"I was wondering if we could have a do-over from last night... I mean... uhm... it all ended so abrup-"

"STOP I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT", JL yelped and pushed SL aside from the corridor.

"But honey it's no big deal! It happens to all guys!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!", JL screeched as he practically ran into the nearest bathroom and locked himself in. 🚽

SL stood outside the door, gently tapping on the door. 🚪

"Babe... babe come on talk to me..."

"NO!" 😡

"It's really not a big deal... I mean... when men reach the age of fift-"

"I'M ACTUALLY FORTY THE PRESS HAS BEEN REPORTING IT INCORRECTLY!" 😡

SL tried to stiffle a giggle.

"Yes sorry I got confused I meant to say that at FORTY our bodies start to change and certain... things... can happen. Or... not happen, as the case may be, but anyway it's nothing to be ashamed of, really".

There was no sound from the other side of the door. 🚪

"Honey?", SL whispered.

Nothing but crickets. 🦗🦗🦗

"Honeeeeeeey...?", SL tried again.

On the other side of the door JL was sitting on the toilet, fidgeting and fiddling with a roll of toilet paper, shredding it onto the floor. 🧻

He was finding it oddly soothing for his angst but also creating more angst because gosh darn those things cost a pretty penny these days and now one of the interns is gonna have to tape this pile of shred back together tomorrow cos he ain't about to waste as many as 7 dollars! 🤨

Suddenly he saw something pink being pushed under the door.

He reached and picked it up.

A tassle. 🤔

And then suddenly another one appeared. 🤔

"Wait..."

JL dropped the rest of the toilet paper shreds and focused on fiddling with the tassles.

"If I'm holding these things here... then that must mean..."

Indeeeeeeeeeeed.

It meant that SL was standing on the other side of the door with no tassles. 😈

JL smirked as he felt his little FORTY year old 🐛 tingling with signs of life.

"Did you get my present?", SL asked through the door.

"Yeeeeah..."

"Do you know what that means?"

"Yeeeeah..."

"Do you wanna come out and fuck me against this door?"

"Yeeeeah..."

JL opened the door and saw SL standing in the corridor, sans tassles.

And also sans undies. 😮

"Well?", SL asked. "The door is ready."

JL grabbed SL and they kissed passionately as SL started tearing JL's nightie off. 👅

Within second they were both standing there completely naked, as JL broke away from their kiss and pushed SL facing the bathroom door.

"I hope your... "door"... is ready." 🍑

(And OF COURSE the SL in that story was Samantha Lachlan but did you know it while reading it? 🤔)

#fanfiktion #you asked for it #enjoy the confusion #by all means lets use initials willy nilly #such fun! 🙌

[punkscowardschampions]

Una & Django

Una: 📰📢📺📢📻📢

Una: wake up! I’ve got news!

Django: What news could warrant getting me out of my bed

Una: not jumping on it, am I? what more could you want?

Django: Yeah, is it even preferable to the kid, like

Django: you’re a lot heavier 😵

Una: I’m about to be loads lighter if you’d listen

Django: me eyes are open, I’m listening

Django: tell me about your morning 💩 weirdo

Una: my fetishes are another convo

Django: stick to the one we’re on then 📢📢📢

Una: are you after good or bad to start?

Django: are you not after finding another bit of good first? 💩🥪

Django: We may as well skip to the bad bit

Una: I’ve had my breakfast, like

Una: but, here goes, now you’ve made your decision, fucking finally

Una: 👎 news is the 👍 won’t come true for ages yet

Django: ‘cos it’s all me being vague and baiting

Django: am I still 😴 or just thick?

Una: ask me the good news, thicko

Django: Tell me what you want to tell me, drama queen

Una: 🥁

Una: you’ll be rid of me soon

Django: Are you being serious? 🤡

Una: deadly, literally 💀👻

Django: You said you had your breakfast, never that you brought it straight back up

Una: cos I never did, feel free if you’d fancy your go, I’ll wait

Una: not like I’m short on time or anything ⏳

Django: I’m not the one that’s sick, I’m good

Django: when do you start the chemo and everything?

Una: you’re good? 

Una: rub it in why don’t you, boy 😜

Django: you know what I mean, well as avoiding the question

Una: yeah, avoidance tactics 101

Django: for dummies is right 

Django: Now you’ve dropped the news, you don’t wanna talk about it? Alright

Una: 💣 this is my biblical end times, it’s fucking nigh, alright? RIP me

Django: You got better last time, you’ll do it again

Una: nobody’s fannying about this time, they’ve said I’ll not

Django: yeah but, doctors, what do they know

Una: they know it’ll be months instead of years

Una: no 18th 🥳🎂

Django: 16th?

Una: yours or mine?

Django: Fuck

Django: have mine this year then

Una: you’ll have enough to cry about without me resorting to dirty tactics such as birthday theft

Django: It’s a swap and I’m surely doing the better for it, if you reckon you’ve got none left in you

Una: you’re only trying to be off school for it for once 👀

Django: ☀️🌊🤙

Django: D’ya want a sweet 16 or not, girl

Una: do I fuck? what sort of girl are you taking me for? 🤘

Una: punk rock princess already been a 🥳🎂 theme, remember? 👋 bye bye cancer numero uno

Django: There’s not time to be a cliche before you go?

Django: I like any excuse to dress up, remember

Una: the cliche’s dying cancer girl, dunno how we’re dressing that up, a 🤡 wig?

Una: nah, minnie mouse ears, it’s where they all go before they go 🏰

Django: We’ve all got to do it, suppose you can’t get more tired than that, true enough

Django: You get a plus one? Never getting there myself, lack of a wish

Una: probably ma or our Liam, but if you can’t push your luck when its run out, when else can you? might as well come with

Django: You can admit how badly you wanna get every princess’s signature, I won’t bring it up at the wake

Una: 🖕 I’m not the sort of terminal where I go about doing kindnesses for everyone I’ve ever met 💔 as your littlest sis will be to hear it, she can have my [whatever makeup idk] in my will, that’s her lot

Django: you wouldn’t be, as in life and all that 😘

Django: You’re perhaps a couple shades out but beggars can’t be choosers, not put her work in for the 🏰 trip

Una: her wannabe shade, but okay, okay, nothing in the foundation or concealer section of my makeup bag

Django: Does this mean you get to stop coming to school?

Una: least I’m owed

Django: so it’s one long summer

Django: an Irish one, can only give you so much

Una: keep an 🧅 close to hand and you can be my plus one for it too

Django: sure, you don’t wanna be every cunt’s sick note

Django: You’ve gotta fill your days somehow, you’ll need a hand

Una: you’ll spend it with me then? online school’s there for the bullied kids, you won’t need to redo the year or whatever once I’m off

Django: s’the last thing you need to concern yourself with, I’ll handle it

Una: steady on, big man, I’ll pass out from all that talk

Django: 😏 yeah, yeah

Django: that’s big talk from someone who reckons they’re 👻💀

Una: life in her yet

Una: so what’s going to happen tonight?

Django: well, isn’t a list the cliche, got to set aside the time to at least scribble that down so you don’t miss something important

Una: I’ll grab myself an old 💄 Gracie won’t be after having, if we’re behaving as a cliche, best be all in

Django: Not on your mirror, your mammy will have all your hopes and dreams off with a damp cloth

Una: love the metaphor, wiped away easy as that

Django: how is she

Una: beside herself

Django: yeah

Django: so keep your lipstick-smudged list of depravity private, we’ll let her see the bits that make her 🙂 not 😭

Una: I’d rather be dead than in this house bearing witness to more of her 😭

Una: get dressed

Django: Are you bringing Liam?

Una: he’d rather I was dead than dragging him ‘round behind me ‘til I am

Una: where’s Edie? I’ll chuck him at her

Django: More what I meant anyway, come here and leave him, we’ll be off

Una: won’t be having no driving lessons neither, you best call your first car my fucking ugly name

Django: first on the list, more like

Django: Lasses will just think I really love my dead nan, won’t get in the way

Una: I’ll haunt the back seat, have to do everything yourself if you want it done proper anyway

Django: You can’t be moaning about shit names when I’m lumbered with one no one can say

Una: yours suits you, and I like it, my opinion being the only which matters now

Django: now, is it 🤔

Una: true, it’s been that way since always, but especially now

Django: Fair enough, I reckon

Django: so change yours

Una: to what?

Django: what do you want to be called?

Una: there’s a list worth writing, bear with

Django: got clothes to put on, breakfast to have ⏳⏳ take it

Una: [start your list with the inevitable famous or fictional people you like but that I won’t commit to because you’re not gonna go for one of them, crossing them out like no]

Django: Not a Disney princess in sight, fake fan

Una: you don’t shh I’ll suggest we swap names as well as birthdays, see how much it gets in your way, Casanova 

Django: I’ll make it work 😉

Una: [add to your list with girls names from songs you like, also a very teenage girl vibe]

Django: [say which songs you also like]

Una: [finally some place names, including some hilariously bad ones because it’s just places you wanna go like Memphis but you’re not gonna name yourself that lol, put a ✔️ next to your final one which you wanna pick which is Laurel for Laurel Canyon like my boo suggested because very her vibe and not somewhere you’re gonna get to visit or would wanna now probably given that none of the bad bitches live there still]

Django: You’re sold on Laurel, then, not [the most ridiculous one]?

Una: be serious for a sec, do you like it?

Django: S’perfect, you wouldn’t have picked it otherwise

Una: don’t go telling my mammy it’d put her in her grave

Django: I won’t go erasing your real one from my memory, I happen to like your mammy

Una: you can’t be erasing nothing, it’s the closest thing to living longer I’ve got, dying when you do 👴 in your bed

Django: those are my instructions, I suppose?

Una: unless I accidentally kill us during our illegal driving lessons

Django: always time for an accident

Una: tattoo me when I get there, we’ll call it an accident when ma sees

Una: [lyrics from one of the songs he said he liked obvs]

Django: I know how to do that safe as well as drive, you’re not dying yet, okay

Django: but, there’s plenty of places your mammy won’t see it 

Una: my blood’s already more poisoned than you could manage with a little needle, just don’t swap it with me, case cancer’s catching how the conspiracy theorists would have us believe everything is

Django: I’m as scared as you are

Una: I know

Django: You deserve longer

Una: she’s got the desperate prayers covered, can take the woman out of Northern Ireland but not the previously lapsed catholic out of her, like 

Django: least you’re not dying in [wherever exactly her mum is from], count your lucky stars

Una: there’s time, still

Una: should’ve renamed myself Lourdes

Django: by way of Paris, make it a tour

Una: you’d have to come, being single in Paris must be a hanging offence 

Django: cool it off in time for the nuns, got it

Una: bucket list ✔️ seducing a nun’s gayer than I intended on going but as I’m off to hell already 🏳️‍🌈

Django: shut up

Django: lapsed is right, you’ll be off to purgatory which is much more boring and you’ll need all the memories you can grab

Una: fine, [some irrelevant boy she had a cringey crush on when she was younger, for the absolute pisstake cos she obvs doesn’t still fancy him] then

Django: Oh yeah, warm as the 🔥 of hell, he’ll have you 

Una: sicker than chemo, more like it

Una: romance is dead too 💀👻

Django: nah, just set your sights higher

Una: [one of the celebs she listed as liking, whoever is the most hilarious off the list] ✔️ 

Django: how could they refuse 😇🙏

Una: and how could you when I set you as my backup option? 😇🙏

Django: good thing you don’t need to charm me

Una: I’ll bring flowers and chocolates if that’s what you want, sweetheart

Django: what do you want, the hospital not fancying either?

Una: I don’t get what I want, not dying ‘til I’m at least boring and middle aged, if not proper old and grey, isn’t on the cards

Django: Something I can at least steal

Django: I thought maybe my mam’s years were mine to give out but it don’t look like it

Una: I’ll pass whatever message you’ve got for her on when we meet, especially if it’s a fuck you, but it don’t need to be limited to one

Django: have that on me

Django: never knew her, she’s younger than you’ll be

Una: there’s nothing you feel up for telling her?

Una: or asking? I could ask about your da and send a message back to you

Django: How are you telling me any better than she hasn’t bothered to?

Una: I’d find a way, do I not always?

Django: True

Una: never met an eejit I couldn’t wrap ‘round my little finger, be the same in purgatory

Django: as one of those eejits

Una: you’ve dressed up for me, no doubt

Django: Depending on your definition

Una: I’m accepting no less than full disney princess, think on if that’s not what you’ve done

Django: I’ll dig out the tiara 🙄🤪

Una: yay! 

Django: You and your kinks

Una: you’re not ready for that convo yet, babe

Django: Can’t have you fainting

Una: unless it’s a kink of yours, me passed out

Django: because I’m that much of a wrongen

Una: people like all sorts, don’t mean you’re about to be off on a crime spree 🚨

Django: Hmm

Django: in poor taste when you’re about to be permanently passed out though

Una: if you’ve a boner for dead bodies I don’t need to worry about you moving on quick when I am one, in poorer taste for you to when I’ve chucked you my virginity

Django: No one is going to forget you

Una: it’s inevitable, and basic maths ➕➖➗✖️

Una: you’ll all have longer without me than you had with, a whole fucking life where I’m not there cos mine’s cut short

Django: people don’t forget, trust me

Django: you think about the people that are gone more than anyone thinks about the people still here

Una: swear on your long life you’ll keep thinking about me, years from right now

Django: swear on everything

Una: I’ll stay as long as I can, to do everything

Django: I know you will

Una: starting when I get to yours, which is more like if, cos you live too far away from fucking everything

Django: Have to stop girls like you banging down my door every second of somehow, don’t we 😜

Una: you dunno no other girls like me

Django: thank god…

Django: so when’s your man [the celeb she said she fancies] likely to be in town then?

Una: [let’s say it’s a musician so she can drop gig dates at him so we can have them go in the future if we want to or we can be mean and say when it comes around she’s too sick to go]

Django: it’s a date, he just don’t know it yet

Una: eulogy’ll write itself, stand there and do a retell all of the night 📢

Django: Does he not write his own?

Django: that’s immortalised, ain’t it

Una: ooh probably, there’s your slot bumped and you out of a job, nice one

Django: slacking is what I do best

Una: 🌴🍹😎

Django: best stick to your end of the bargain and die or he’ll feel well awkward for noncing on you, like

Una: just needs reminding how many of the greats did it, if it’s good enough for Elvis and Bowie to name but 2

Django: sure, dream big, lad

Una: and dying needs more +s, he’s the only so far

Django: you’ve got a licence to take the piss, you just have to think how you wanna

Una: I already had, being a girl who don’t look like a creature from nobody’s nightmares, but point taken

Django: taking the mick out the little cancer girl wouldn’t have been a good look, even for [the nastiest gals you can think of in your year]

Una: that too, but I was avoiding saying it for the nerve it touches now I’m the cancer girl again ⚡️

Django: will your hair come out this time?

Una: ma’s trying to insist on another go through all that shite, but there’s nobody much except god on her side about it, let them 🥊 it out, her, the drs and my 2 dads, like

Django: Shame, I thought it was a good look

Una: you’re not being stopped from shaving yours, for cash or solidarity 🥚✨ 

Django: if I’m skint, I might 

Una: I might do a bit, to buy us time, I dunno

Django: Not going to be another person telling you what to do

Una: cos you dunno either

Django: I don’t know what it’s like to be the one going through it

Una: take a guess, but it’s not to be a picnic with or without, unless it serves fuck all but 💩🥪 I’m still dying, least the symptoms of chemo are meant to have a ⏳ point

Django: If I was your ma, I’d want you to do it too

Una: which is a roundabout way of saying you want me to

Django: I don’t want you to die

Django: dunno if those are the same thing

Una: comes down to not wanting me to die yet or not ever, cos those are well different things, and only one of them is something I might be able to give you

Django: surely you want as long as you can get, for yourself?

Una: yeah, but I do know what it’s like

Una: and if I get twice as long but half of it’s taken up by feeling how I remember, or worse, then it’s not really twice as long

Django: okay, I see your point

Una: to go through it and die anyway takes the piss, but it’ll take the piss how soon they’ve said I’ll die if I don’t

Django: it’s all shit, basically

Una: you’re catching on

Django: 🥴🔨 eventually

Una: mercy killing like I’m some old 🐶

Django: was talking about my thick skull, honestly

Django: the shotgun emoji doesn’t exist anyway

Una: be a waste of a dying wish, but alright, see what I can do

Una: school shooters and eejits about to be forced into less than happy marriages can thank me in their prayers

Django: what a fan club to have 😭💔 for ya

Una: I bet you’ll have a lovely skull, by the way

Django: You’re such a nutter 

Django: you couldn’t just have cancer in one place so I could heroically offer you a kidney or whatever, no

Una: sorry, no chance to be a hero here, I’ve shat that bed for you

Django: I’ll have to get over it

Una: you could move yourself closer to civilisation if you’re after doing something useful

Django: s’a big ask

Una: I’ve a licence for it, so says you

Django: true but I really, really like my freedom

Una: fine, don’t shave your head, take the money, and use it to buy a van you park in my ma’s drive 24/7

Django: big ✌️ hippie vibes or big 👀 stalker vibes?

Una: whichever dress up takes your fancy the most, bell bottoms or a balaclava

Django: why not both, eh

Una: more is more, that’s the spirit, matey boy

Django: maybe we’ll live above the shops again, always a possibility

Una: you loved it there

Django: yeah, that place is easier to rent out though, there’s always a family friend willing to housesit

Django: this place needs commitment, like

Una: I’ll ask my da to rent it for us

Django: That’d be top

Una: what’s it go per month? we’ll not have need for many unless the drs are gaslighting me

Django: I’d have to ask 

Django: also who’s actually in there, Ali won’t want a rep as a landlord that chucks people out on the streets

Una: extenuating circumstances, give them the sob story and they’ll be off, same as my da’ll open his wallet when I remind him of the birthdays he won’t be forking out for, no wedding, graduation, or grandkids ever to pay for

Django: I’ll still get myself a van, just ‘cos

Django: can stalk other people

Una: should be on the lookout for an old 🚑 for the craic, steal one if there’s none for sale

Django: challenge accepted

Django: sure they must be knocking about somewhere… what do they do with them once they’re knackered 🤔

Una: might be a retirement scrapheap somewhere

Django: take out all the good bits

Una: better than killing all your happy memories living over the shops before when I die

Django: nah, you ain’t that special, don’t worry about it, like

Una: what a kind but barefaced lie to tell either of us

Django: not taking your ego any time soon, this cancer

Una: special is what it makes you, or so goes the lie they tell you on the children’s ward, despite how full of other kids in the same fucking boat it is

Django: adults hate having to tell the truth, most of them, especially to kids

Una: but friends don’t let friends die in 🌈 rooms when they’re not 4 no more, swear to me you won’t

Django: swear

Django: you’ll let some poor kid have it and be out the way with all the morphine they’ll give you

Una: I’ll show appreciation by sharing all my hard drugs

Django: 😂 tah, I’ll deffo stick around then

Una: you and [the rockstar from earlier]

Una: easy to ✔️ 3some off the list, like

Django: oh, easy, is it?

Una: get a bit of an ego too and don’t sell yourself short, he’d be lucky to have you

Django: Ha ha 😏

Una: when you’re dying you can pick the other person

Django: It’s not about him

Django: you’ve never heard of, idk, softening the blow

Django: 📰📢📺📢📻📢 after 📰📢📺📢📻📢 with you

Una: I don’t have time for softly, softly

Una: and I’m not in the mood for it neither

Django: alright

Django: what else is on your ✔️

Una: if in doubt, ask yourself, what would [the most shameless celeb of their era or any era she can think of] do?

Django: I figured that much

Una: as much as we can ‘til you go on without me and make me proud to watch as well as never bored, no pressure 👀☁️🔭☁️

Django: You make a far more convincing stalker 

Una: it’s no to an itchy balaclava though, wig’s bad enough

Django: be all ⛓⛓⛓⛓ for your sins, you’ll love it

Una: we’re finally talking fetishes, are we?

Django: You complaining how long the journey over is

Una: it is, I’ll probably drop dead mid

Django: nah, you’ve always been lazy

Una: the hero you wanna be would offer to meet us halfway

Django: so you have to walk? 

Una: here’s an opportunity for my first driving lesson

Django: no time like the present… hang on then, halfway

Una: I took a literal approach to storming out of home, with no thought to how knackering it’d be

Django: And who’s the eejit?

Django: bloody hell

Una: I had a point to prove!

Django: yeah I’m well aware you’d drop down dead to do it

Una: making our Liam carry me defeats it, and he’d rather die

Django: he’s lanky enough

Una: yeah, but so am I, unfair to him ‘til I’m proper skin and bone

Django: I’m on my way

Una: don’t get yourself pulled over, no use to nobody

Django: not an amateur, girl

Una: you can have that one as yours to prove

Django: like I ain’t all these years?

Django: psh, okay

Una: there’s an ego there, knew it

Django: never claimed to be 🥺😳🤓

Una: can’t decide if it’s 👍 or 👎 news

Django: you clearly like egos, [this rockstar because they always do lol]

Una: but I can’t knock 🥺😳 before I’ve tried it, might like that too

Django: [list boys in your year who are clearly the shyest of sweet nerds]?

Una: really ready to palm me off 💔

Django: I just told you I’m not, am I faking it for you now?

Una: just tell me roleplay isn’t your thing

Django: Pisstake 

Una: years of practice 

Django: 💐💐

Una: stealing them from scenes of accidents on your way’d be extreme poor taste and could be bad luck, I dunno 🥀

Django: you’ll have to pick your own 🥺😳 girl, there’s enough at ours

Una: there’ll be enough at my funeral, I’m banning them before

Django: in that case, please leave them alone and don’t go mental with some shears, like

Una: how much I can bruise and bleed I’m 100% banned from picking up fuck all unless it’s harmless and fit for the children’s ward 🧸

Django: 💉 still on the cards though, happy days

Una: technically you’re holding the tattoo gun and what ma don’t know won’t hurt her

Django: if you try to bleed to death, I’ll have to kill you just for being a dick

Una: I’ll stick to my nose and gums how it’s been up to now 🤞

Django: swear?

Una: I can’t, like, I’ll be a dick if I break it seconds and letters into [whatever the first word of this tattoo is]

Django: at least you’re not bullshitting

Django: I’ll do it faint, some poetic nonsense, right

Una: I don’t want it to be faint

Django: I know

Una: compromises have already fucking started

Django: okay, okay just tell me what to do if you turn my room into the shining

Una: 🚨🚑🚨

Django: That serious

Django: 👍 no pressure

Una: it’s all that serious now

Una: could be after getting an infection if somebody so much as 👀 at me wrong 🙄🥳

Django: So your mammy really will murder me if she sees this

Django: going to have to keep your clothes on at all times

Una: I’ll keep it to myself if you give me chlamydia, be for the best 

Django: Don’t sound like you plan on keeping anything to yourself

Una: I said, there’s no time and it’s not the mood I’m in

Django: [the scandalous celeb inspo] I remember

Una: most of my clothes can stay on if you want

Django: what sort of person would I be if I exploited your rush for myself

Una: you’re trying so hard to make this sound like it’s against my will

Django: I’m just trying to separate what you actually want from what you think you have to fit in before you go

Una: racing the clock, I’d be doing it instead of having this convo, wouldn’t I? if nothing else bothered me and my singular motivation was ✔️

Django: It hasn’t come up before, that’s all

Una: I wasn’t taking the risk of fucking up us as friends before

Django: It wouldn’t

Django: it won’t

Una: you dunno it wouldn’t, when there wasn’t this 💣 doing it instead, nor did I

Django: I know, ‘cos it’s us and we’re the ones who’d get to decide

Una: yeah, okay, but I couldn’t just turn ‘round one day and ask if you wanted to sleep with me, out the blue

Django: If anyone would, it’s you

Una: my ego isn’t the size of your house

Django: I’d call you cute if I didn’t think you’d need a lie down after trying to fight me

Una: Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I hate you at the minute, boy

Django: Wanting to sleep with us lasting all of five minutes then 

Una: if only, I’d swing for you and be over it, but it’s been ages, is what I’m saying to you

Django: You’re still wanting 🥺😳 I get it

Una: I wanna be honest, messing’s for people who get to live to be old and go on about their regrets in the pub, the one who got away or whatever

Django: I’m not messing and you can say whatever you like, I’ll not make you feel bad for it

Una: say something back

Django: you know I’m bad with words

Una: I feel I’ve backed you into a corner with all of mine

Django: I could say no, it’s not impossible

Una: you could say yes for the wrong reasons and I’d have to kill myself before cancer gets chance

Django: no, I won’t, I promise

Una: okay then

Django: it feels fucked for me to be thinking about, you know, considering

Una: I’m still here, alive, and the same person

Django: yeah, okay, well, I want to too

Una: cos we’re us, no pity, no ticking ⏱💣⏲

Django: That would be more fucked than just doing it for my own selfish gain, Jesus, no

Una: I’d have to kill you, which would be proper selfish, stealing my thunder

Django: Now you’ve got a monopoly on death

Una: can’t I have that much?

Django: 🏠💶🎩🐕🚗🚢🥾💶🏨

Una: get out of jail free ✔️ second prize in a beauty contest ✔️ it’s my birthday ✔️ 

Una: drs and hospital fees ❌ speeding fine ❌

Django: Where is your dad living now?

Una: [drop the location because I feel like he’s not in Dublin but he’s close enough you can still see him on weekends and shit when you want, but he’s also probably the kind of bitch who moves around more than your average bear, especially if that’s where you got your cool girl vibe from]

Django: the flat is a better location, like

Una: I’ll get in his ear about it 📢

Django: If there’s 1 thing you’re good at 🔊

Una: you flirt 

Django: 😏 shut up

Una: time’s running out to start a screamo band, best sleep with me as I’ve no other talents, like

Django: Well, have you thought about where, if we’re being serious about it, like

Una: our Liam’ll be in the car with us so that’s out 

Una: there’s no privacy at yours and ma’s playing warden at mine 

Una: ask to view the flat? show Ali we’re serious about it too, she might leave us alone there for a bit?

Una: all else’s ❌ we go for my da’s place 🚊

Django: Oh, so you have thought about it then, loads

Django: she’d let us view it, that should work

Una: I thought of it then, when you asked me

Django: Uhuh 😚

Una: process of elimination, is all

Django: I’m not going to do it just anywhere, tah

Una: nor am I, as the one who’s at risk of ☣️🤒⚠️😷☢️

Django: Are there like

Django: extra precautions to take

Una: no balaclavas for this either, I’m putting my foot down

Django: Not going to be practical if you overheat and end up 🤒 that way

Una: and unless you’re gonna pay me, I’m not planning on a no kissing rule, have to take our chances 🦠🧫

Django: I don’t think I’ve got any germs, more than you

Una: romance really is dead if I anti-bac you from head to foot before

Una: I trust you not to actively try and kill me 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Django: I don’t mind

Django: I mean, is it a weird request, sure but at least you’ve a valid reason I’m not left wondering over

Una: I mind, it’s not what I had in my head when thinking freak in the sheets

Django: I’d sort of mind if I killed you

Django: but okay, I’ll be thorough in the shower, think about it all you want

Una: I don’t want it memorable for that sort of reason

Una: but you’re on a better track with 🚿💭

Django: You’re not dropping down dead today

Django: if you want some time to plan it, so it can be all you want it to 💭

Una: we don’t need to plan, chemo’s the greatest contraceptive going

Django: is that how they sell it to people who are on the fence, like

Una: should be

Django: your ma would be thrilled

Una: I’m not about to tell her for the praise, you’ll have to give it me instead

Django: might take me a minute to not automatically take the piss but

Una: it’s okay, I’ve the identical urge whenever you open your mouth

Django: shame, that one works better the other way around

Una: are you after some time?

Django: 😏 I’ll be grand, tah

Una: alright, well, are you ever gonna get yourself here to me?

Django: as I can’t take full credit for your impatience, I’ll step on it

Una: you can take most of it, rest’s our Liam whinging on

Django: bit rude he’s not after hanging out

Una: does make us wonder what it’d take 😏

Django: if anyone knows what shite company you are, it’s me but you know, time and a place for face ache 

Una: oh, nice, being ganged up on now as well as

Django: I’ll be nice to you when we’ve dropped him off at home

Una: believe it when I feel it

Django: you will

Una: I’ve it in writing, you best not let me down

Django: how many other lads do you plan on doing this with

Django: ‘cos I might have a few pointers on not piling on the pressure, lead to better results

Una: I wasn’t planning to write that ✔️❌ list

Una: let it go straight to your ego ➕ or the pressure get to you ➖

Django: oh

Django: 😁 proper special, like

Una: no comment

Django: I’ll start acting more worth that plan

Una: don’t start acting different, for the love of god

Django: don’t you want you know

Django: 💐🍫 romance

Una: the cancer isn’t in my brain, or caused a personality changing stroke like my nana had

Django: your Liam wishes

Una: by the sounds so do you

Django: only as a joke

Django: you know how it really is

Una: 🤡

Django: being serious about this would be a heavy place to start, wouldn’t it

Una: I know, but I’m not having the biggest laugh with this being how it came out I fancy you, it wasn’t how I wanted to do it

Django: what were your plan, out of interest

Una: it don’t matter, I can’t have another go, it’s out there now

Django: fine, I’ll tell you when I first noticed you like that, then you won’t be moody about it no more, deal?

Una: fine

Django: a little more enthusiasm, thank you

Una: FINE!!!

Django: You know in [whatever year you would feasibly have your first big growth spurt, idk] and [some dickhead lad] started everyone calling you [a lanky related nickname]?

Una: yeah, the memory comes back whenever I can’t sleep

Django: it’s mutual

Una: it all happened ages ago, why didn’t you say something?

Django: Probably because you were busy raging at [this boy]

Una: when I eventually calmed down then?

Django: Why is that what you’re taking away from it?

Una: why do you reckon? we could’ve had time together before it was running out

Django: we did still have that time together

Una: you know what I mean

Django: like you said, there’s nothing to fuck up now, that was ages ago

Django: it could’ve just been a fleeting thing

Una: I’m under pressure too, I’m gonna look and feel disgusting soon

Una: might give you new nightmares and reasons why you can’t sleep

Django: it’s hardly the only reason, if it was then maybe I’d get to be that shallow twat

Una: can you not give me a lad response and try and understand what I’m saying?

Django: right, sorry, try again

Una: if I wasn’t dying we’d both get to be shallow about it, it wouldn’t be a banned word

Django: okay, so, if you start looking disgusting, I’ll stop sleeping with you

Django: no bullshit

Una: I’m after no special treatment, stop anytime you want to, it don’t matter the reason, you’re not my hostage I’ve chained to the radiator 

Django: I just promised I would

Una: double promise, it’s fucking important

Django: I promise I promise, alright

Django: but you have to believe me and not be a psycho thinking you know what I think when it’s really you

Una: okay, I promise not to overthink what you’re thinking

Django: Deal done then

Una: 💧🤝🩸

Una: but be warned if you ever call me a psycho again, I’ll show you one

Django: I’m familiar

Una: I’ve come a long way since [that dickhead boy at school]

Django: 😱😱😱 girl

Django: not surrounded by psycho girls or nothing

Una: says more about you than it does me

Django: oi, I can’t help being outnumbered in my own home

Django: not everyone gets it right with their first 2 go’s like your mam did

Una: I’ll pass it along when we’re back on speaking terms

Django: Soon as you’re dropped back then

Una: you’re not dropping me nowhere I’ve not okayed first

Django: not a cabbie

Una: and I’m not [the kind of parcel your mum would receive, I don’t know her life lol] you can’t be leaving me on her doorstep, I won’t get out your 🚕!

Django: Come on, you’ve gotta be nice to her

Una: I set foot in there I’ll never come out, she’d have me chained to a radiator on sight

Django: I doubt that’s doctor recommended 

Una: I’ve got too much else to do to wrap myself in blankets and pray like she wants

Django: I didn’t say we were immediately headed in that direction

Una: what you said is you weren’t gonna tell me what to do

Django: I can’t feel sorry for her as well, no?

Una: by all means feel sorry for her instead of me, cos I’d rather die right here and right now than have you even imply you are

Django: I meant as well as not telling you what to do anyway

Django: her kid is dying

Una: yeah, I am

Django: you’ll be gone, you’ll not mind, she’s the one living with it, of course I feel bad for her

Una: I’m not gone yet, and I fucking mind she’s trying to control how the rest of my life’s spent

Django: I know

Una: you’re being too calm and rational, I need you to be furious with me

Django: I’m trying to be the person who keeps it together

Django: I’m not your mammy, your da, I don’t get to lose it

Una: it’s the time you get to lose it, you’re losing me

Django: you’ve not given me a second to fucking breathe never mind anything else

Una: take it, you’ve got the luxury, wasn’t you getting ambushed by drs this morning

Django: Jesus

Una: [not replying because giving him a second and being petty because teenage girl but that after a beat because teenage girl and can’t shut up]

Una: I haven’t energy to hold ma’s hand through this, same goes for yours, or any fucker else’s, call it callous or whatever

Una: I did the 😁 little miss sunshine craic last time I was sick, and where did it get us?

Django: I’m not asking you to

Una: you and her and everybody else will have time to get your head ‘round it when I’m dead, all I’ve got’s now and I’m already trying to pack years into months, knowing there’s still loads I won’t be able to do

Django: You know what you have to do, I’m not stopping you

Una: you’re guilt tripping me, as if I’m unaware how shite this is for my mammy off my own back 

Django: I’m saying I’m not going to be a cunt to your mother about this, I’ve no right, you’ve every right to be entirely selfish about it, it’s the least you’re owed

Una: I’m not letting her stop me, that’s all there is to it

Django: Okay, I’ve heard you

Una: permission granted to turn your car ‘round and piss off if you fancy that more than coming this way

Django: Why?

Una: you’ve every reason

Django: I’m sorry I said that about your mum, I didn’t mean to guilt trip you

Una: believe me, there’s nothing I’d love more than to be wrapped up in her fantasy like it’s the warmest blanket going and get to be nice to her

Django: I’m sorry you’re dying

Django: I don’t know how else to say that

Una: there’s probably not loads of different ways to say it, in fairness

Django: It’s not fair, to anyone but most to you

Una: nah, it’s not, I dunno how else to say that either

Django: Ali knows a lot more about protests than me

Django: and dying, you should ask her

Una: she’s not my type, I’m sorry

Django: 😒 great craic

Una: I want you, and you said I’ve the green light on being selfish

Django: yeah, dunno why that means you’ve gotta have a shite sense of humour all of a sudden but

Una: I’m sorry, I’m having a day of it here, like

Django: better, that one was topical, like

Una: don’t turn your car ‘round or I’ll have to be all 🥺 about it and neither of us wants that, right?

Django: under the circumstances, I shan’t waste your time having you beg for it

Una: you can have me grateful for that

Django: I weren’t turning ‘round, by the way

Una: if I’ve any hope left I’m keeping it for that you don’t, even as a metaphor when it gets worse than this

Django: Oons

Una: forgetting my name isn’t doing much for the hope

Django: Laurel, sorry

Una: I know I’m not supposed to say anything close to don’t leave me before we’re even together but fucking do not, please

Django: I won’t, never

Una: there’s a million scenes from what feels like a million shite dying girl films playing over and over in my head and that’s nothing like how bad it’ll be, is it?

Django: okay I’ll tell you what to do by banning any rewatches of them, just this one thing

Una: our Liam’ll be after making his own, wait and see 📹

Una: can ✔️ fame off the list at least

Django: sound less 😁 at the prospect

Una: leading man’ll have you 😁 too

Django: see, knew you wanted Mr Darcy really

Una: I told you who I want

Django: I do wish I’d known sooner too

Una: I was gonna say something on your birthday, to avoid the not knowing what to get you pisstake which happens every year, since you asked what my original plan was

Django: Such a lass move

Django: I’d never get away with that, however many compliments I showered you in

Una: how would you have done better? go on, impress me with your what if scenario

Django: than wrapping myself in a bow? Easy

Django: I’d take you to [whoever are her faves]’s gig and then you’d be so 😍 I’d be well in

Una: I didn’t say I’d 🎀 you flirt

Una: a lad move, but it would’ve worked

Django: You better, keep telling you I’m not easy, like

Una: there’s still time for me to buy up all the ribbon in town

Django: s’not my birthday now

Una: I don’t care, every day can be your birthday now

Django: it’s not going to be bad, even sick girl movie cliche bad

Django: you’ll be 😁 whether you like it or not

Una: 😁🩸

Django: That’s what you get if you want me to stay, alright

Una: what do I get if I’m after 1 cliche and it’s you bringing 🍦?

Django: well, a longer wait whilst I figure out where between me and you has 🍦 but consider it done

Una: play the 🎶 as you drive up or I’ll send you off to try again

Django: I should get an ice cream van, you’re right

Una: everybody will reckon you’re selling gear

Django: I can just tell the disappointed smackheads you’re taking it all

Una: oh, nice, set the angry smackheads on me

Django: they’re hardly a threat, half comatose

Una: I’m not really fighting fit myself, boy

Django: the morphine will have you feeling it

Una: well, sure, but maybe we’ll aim for slightly more romance than me fighting off smackheads while you watch?

Django: I think I can manage that

Una: 🤞🤞 no pressure though

Django: I’m not totally incapable, I’d have to be actively disgusted by you to do that badly

Una: this is where I’d throw you a compliment if it was something I was used to

Django: yeah

Django: I can go without but if that’s what you wanna hear, I’ll 🔊

Una: fuck that, you’re not going without anything

Django: we’ll get used to it together then, I guess

Una: yeah

Django: you don’t have to speedrun the shit you don’t really feel or want to say though

Una: you think I’m selfish, and probably, but not enough to lie straight to your face

Django: not that you’d lie, don’t think you have to give me that though, just to play little miss sunshine one more time, okay?

Una: okay

Django: not going to start crying and you have to leave another room you can’t stand to be in

Una: she’s surely an uglier crier than you, how’s that for a compliment?

Django: I’m blushing

Una: believe it when I see it

Django: get ready then

Una: but you said you’d be ages! 

Django: gotta have some chances to surprise you

Una: gonna melt my 🍦 being that hot about it, I’m not ready 

Django: let your kid brother out the car before you lose it, yeah

Una: long as you mean randomly by the side of the road, then yeah

Django: so harsh 🤣

Una: did you bring him 🍦 as well?

Django: don’t take the piss, it’d be well rude if I didn’t

Una: am I not special to you? who’s taking the piss?

Django: I’ll show you that you are when you’re done with your 🍦 and we’re alone

Una: fucking hell, you can’t say that and not expect me to force our Liam to walk

Django: yes I can, a little anticipation won’t kill you

Una: it might, but I really hope it don’t

Django: Trust me

Una: fine, I’ll let him stay in the car under protest

Django: It won’t take long to drop him back, it’ll only feel it

Una: already feels it

Django: how does it feel?

Una: the lack of 🍦 is killing me

Una: where are you?

Django: [pull up]

[kmp78]

WELL THAT WAS... a movie. 🤷🏼‍♀️

First some non-spoilery bits:

Fair game: it wasn't as bad as expected.

Childish as fucking hell (those flying scenes... c'mon now... 🙄) but it was watchable.

ONCE!

Nooooooo way am I ever sitting through that again! ✋️🙄

Performances: sorry echeboos but your boy SUCKED AAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS. 🤦🏼‍♀️

No life in him whatsoever (pun intended!). 😴

He was at least a tad bit less catatonic than in TO, but that's not much of a compliment! He once again busted out that Barry White baritone which he uses to show how ssssssserious he is about what he's doing. 🙄

Matt Smith by comparison was 🔥. He really out-acted JL in every scene he appeared in - and his performance actually only highlighted how lackluster JL was. 🤦🏼‍♀️

MS's acting grade: A- because he gave his all even tho the material was 🙄.

JL's acting grade: C because he gave TOO MUCH without actually giving anything! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just don't get it! Maybe it's because I know too much of his bs to ever be able to be objective about him on screen but holy fuck once again he seemed to be operating on a whole different frequency from everyone else! 🤷🏼‍♀️

And as far as Not-Eiza goes...

Pfffft. Useless character and zero chemistry with JL. 👎

Also useless: Tyrese. Literally ANYONE could have played that role, and his police partner was actually a lot better and funnier! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have no opinion on the much-hated CGI because I don't watch CGI movies. I have no idea if they were good or not.

I would however love to see footage of JL growling and contorting his face while filming this thing BEFORE they added the CGI fangs and makeup and whatnot! I bet that footage would be better than this finished product! 😂

So yeah. It was watchable, but even I with 0 comic book movie knowledge can understand why diehards were not pleased. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Overall I'd give this a 6/10. It would have been a 5 but 1 special scene deserves its own merit (read on to find out! 😛).

AND NOW!!!!!!!! 👇

DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU WANT TO WATCH IT WITHOUT KNOWING DEETS!!!! 🤨

My very first deeeeeep sighs came within the first 5 mins... 🙄

I mean... GREECE...???

Why?! Why were they in Greece?! That had nothing to do with anything?! 🤨

Completely pointless side plot - AND EVERYONE IN GREECE SUDDENLY SPEAKS ENGLISH??? 😑

Pet peeve #1 right there. 🙄

Also that "cripple act" got old reeeeeeeal fast... 😴

I seriously got annoyed seeing him hobbling around to the point where I just wanted to scream "GO GET A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR!!!" 🙄👨‍🦽

I mean I'm sorry I know that's insensitive but COME THE FUCK ON! 🙄

Driving home this handicap thing sssssoooo haaaaarrrdddd was just super annoying! 🙄

Altho I will say that the obvious Keyser Soze reference when Milo left the jail made me chuckle... 🤭😉

Another annoyance: THE CAT LITTER THING!!!!!!

Whose cat comes running when you shake HIS/HER LITTER BOX?????????????

Shaking a plate with kibble I get, but...

LITTER BOX????? 😳

Has the screenwriter ever met a cat? 🤔🐈‍⬛

And speaking of screenwriting errors: anyone else find it strange that towards the end when MM and MB were in the lab, they embrace and he said "You need to go...", but then HE WAS THE ONE WHO LEFT. 😂

I found that hilarious... 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

But wtf were those extra scenes in the credits?! I thought I was having a stroke cos suddenly there was Batman being whisked away by cops (why the f was Keaton even dragged out for this?!) and then Morblo speeding in the desert and meeting some alien robot thing...???

Saying that was weird is an extreme understatement... 😳🤔

My Top 3 fave scenes were:

#3: The scene where adult MM goes to see adult Milo for the first time and he's getting treated by the doc and they had a discussion smthg along the lines of:

Milo: "Where have you been?"

MM: "I'm trying this new thing called work, I'm sure you've never heard of it..."

Milo: "No I don't believe I have."

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Somehow I can imagine JL having that same convo with... someone else. 😏

#2: Getting to hear JL utter the word "COSMO"!!! 😂

TWICE!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I had my reasons to giggle. 🤭

Aaaaaaaaaaaand of course the #1 HANDS DOWN BEST SCENE AND THE REASON THIS WENT FROM 5 TO 6...

IF YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE AND YOU'RE A REGULAR HERE...

YOU KNOW WHAT SCENE I'M TALKING ABOUT. 😂

The greatest easter egg of all time. 😂

That cafe scene with MM and MB.

Them sitting in the booth, him apologizing and her asking "How do you feel?"

And he goes...

"I FEEL... INCREDIBLE".

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

You best believe I laughed out loud. 😂

No one else did... 🙈

He def needs a screenwriter credit for that because I KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT HE ADDED THAT THING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!! 🤓

That really made the whole experience a somewhat enjoyable one for me. 🙃

So yeah indeed. That's how I experienced this thing.

It was... a movie. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#morbius review