#i had hoped that my potential bf would be the one to heal me better but now i know i have to do this myself

[estoysugoi]

Since this account is “dead” im vomiting some spicy brain stuff here (deleting later):

I feel fucking boarderline fucking devastated i havent seen my friends in WEEKS, im afraid to reach out bc i feel like i did smth wrong or im not being a good friend but if i ask if that’s the case i risk making things awkward and/or upsetting them somehow and i dont want that and my brain is being spicy with bad thoughts and im constantly digging my finger into myself for not meeting my expectations as an artist AND a full grown ass adult there’s so many things i need but i feel overwhelmed about what to do and asking people i know for help feels like im burdening them and taking valuable time out of their busy schedules and they may not even be able to help me in the first place, which is one of the reasons why i barely ask my dad for help since he’s always busy and the rest of my immediate family either have their plates full or can’t actually help me for whatever reasonable reason so i need to learn how to do things myself i just dont know where to start or what resources to refer to. We live in an age where information is act ur fingertips and I STILL cant push myself to look for a simple tutorial i dont know whats wrong with me my brain is fucked up and im worried that i have some kind of executive dysfunction i dont know how to go about it outside of just setting good habits, like how we develop hygienic rituals everyday, i just need to put in the effort to build some kind of well planned schedule or something maybe then i can get a fucking grip at improving my life let alone my skills as an artist i keep taking so fucking long to do what feels like mediocre work and i want to improve so bad but for some reason i do all this thinking and imagining and planning ideas out but my body can never move something’s wrong with me and i dont know what to do i sometimes get scared if im not bottleing up anger towards myself as i just sit there and vegetate im just so tired of being tired and not doing anything worthwhile with my life i just want to be better i want to feel better and i just need to do better i dont know i just dont know how else to go about it aside from vomiting words like this there needs to be some kind of outlet for all this noise its almost like gossip through old walls with peeling wallpaper and i hate it i hate that i keep imagining the worst situations like im trying to prepare to feel ready and making plans for what i could do in hypothetical stressful situations. I think that’s just a by-product mechanism i developed after losing my mom suddenly, i kept thinking that she would be ok and come back from the hospital but things just got worse and more machines and tubes and wires filled her hospital bed until she couldnt take it anymore one day. There have been days where i could even feel what she experienced while being trapped like that its terrifying and im scared to think about it even if it comes from a habit of trying to understand others by placing myself in their feet and dont get me started what i imagined what my dad went through and my brother and my mom’s sisters and brothers and her mother i dont know how things didnt get worse than they did. Ok maybe things still turned sour but i guess thinking it could’ve been worse is just me excusing the circumstances that a part of me feel did me wrong like some kind of injustice i didnt deserve to go through all that and neither did my family. But i think whats worse was the divide that formed im part to blame for that but i dont know how to connect with people that are like 40 years older than me i dont know their past that well and they dont want to burden me with their pasts so im just left to pick up hints and pieces. But how can i find the help i need when im still overcome with an old desire im trying to let die finding a romantic happily ever after was never in the cards for me to begin with im not conventionally attractive enough for my type to be attracted to me nor am i in a good place to be dating or risking my heart to get broken again i just dont think i can bear that pain of loss in another form i fear it woul break me so now im-

#-trying to learn to be ok with dying without ever finding romantic companionship #i dont know who he is or who he could be but i always imagined he’d be really nice #always making me laugh reassuring me and giving me so much love #from this I realized i needed a sense of love and i shouldnt limit it to romance #i think im just scared of doing anything that would risk losing things i cared about #maybe that’s why i always pick the Healer in RPGs #it feels nice to be needed AND helpful AND useful #at least youre thought of often when ur in pain #its easier to heal an arm or leg than a broken heart #im still trying to mend mine #i had hoped that my potential bf would be the one to heal me better but now i know i have to do this myself #maybe for the rest of my life #i hope it gets easier #i really hope it does #i hope i live long maybe even be immortal #maybe that’ll give me enough time to heal #thinking about the truth of death scares me to the point of a panic attack #i try not to think about it #i hope this gets easier #i want this to get easier to manage i dont want to burden other with these thoughts #i can feel that those around me can help with finding a solution #i can only find temporary self-soothing things to calm me down #im sorry to anyone i made worry over me i cant promise it wont happen again #i cant bring myself to being a burden i feel like i need to do this myself #its my body my mind my emotions so my responsibility

[skzfairyyydreamz]

Gentle Love w/ Bf!Channie❣️

(listening to save you by rum.gold on repeat while reading this is highly recommended for ambience purposes). Masterlists

Genre: Comfort, Fluff, Friends to lovers

pairing: Bestfriend/Bf!Chan x Fem!Reader

a/n: This seasonal depression got ya gurl heavily craving some form of comfort so this one was a bit self indulgent. i’ve never wrote a headcanon before but i really enjoyed making this so i hope you enjoy it too! (please give me your feedback) reblogs are super appreciated. taglist is open so lmk if you would like to be taglisted!! Lastly Thank you sm for being here; sending lots of love and big hugs to everyone who needs it right now. 🫶🏼🫂

© Skzfairyyydreamz - Plagiarism is a crime. Do not repost, alter, translate or copy without my consent.

Bestfriend!Channie who settled with his unrequited love for you bc there was nobody else who could ever compare to you & nobody else he had eyes for.

Bestfriend!Channie who always had to love you from a distance bc he just didn’t have it in him to confess and potentially ruin something that was so special to him.

Bestfriend!Channie who had to sit back and watch you love shitty men who didn’t deserve you.

Bestfriend!Channie Who watched you cry over men who didn’t even deserve to be in your presence in the slightest. 

Bestfriend!Channie who helped you through each heartbreak bc there was never a time that he wasn’t there when you needed him. 

Bestfriend!Channie who knew in his heart that there was absolutely nobody that could ever love you better than he, bc he knew you better than anyone else in the world.

Bestfriend!Channie who finally worked up the courage to tell you how madly in love with you he was and always has been (with the help of your mother ofc; she saw the way he looked at you with the whole galaxy in his eyes and had always wanted you two to be together. Mama always knows best!) 

Bf!Channie who loves you with every bone in his body and every fiber of his being.

Bf!Channie who just wants to save you. Save you from all your past love traumas and mend your heart. 

Bf!Channie who helps you on your healing journey. 

Bf!Channie who shows you all the gentle, soft love in the world, bc its what you’ve always deserved.

Bf!Channie who makes it his business to give you the best of everything and stands on that. 

Bf!Channie who always puts you first. Before anything and anyone. 

Bf!Channie who does his best to learn and indulge you in ALL of your love languages. 

Bf!Channie who never fails to treat you like a princess, a queen, a goddess and more. 

Bf!Channie who will tie your shoes for you and slap your hand when you try to open doors on your own. “Don’t you ever reach for a doorknob in my presence, thank you very much!” as he rolls his eyes and shakes his head in a playful disbelief. 

Bf!Channie who will take off a week of work if you’re sick just to nurse you back to health regardless of your protesting. 

Bf!Channie who is always showing you off, rolling out the red carpet no matter who’s around. 

Bf!Channie who refuses to let either of you go to sleep upset at each other. bc he just cherishes you and prioritizes the importance of communication in your relationship that much. (he’s honestly such a king) 

Bf!Channie who is always calm and gentle with you; attentive to your feelings even mid argument.

Bf!Channie who takes interest in/ learns about all your hobbies and things that you are passionate about bc seeing you happy, makes him even happier. 

Bf!Channie who is so fond of your family and siblings. he has great relationships with all your family members and will never miss a single family gathering regardless to his busy schedule and idol life. 

Bf!Channie who hates to see you hurting or in pain. With teary eyes he wouldn’t hesitate to tell you “Princess You know i’d take this pain for you in a heartbeat if i could!” whether it be a broken bone, killer period cramps or even something as simple as a paper cut or a headache. His chest is heavy knowing there isn’t much he can do to comfort you and stop you from feeling any physical pain or discomfort. (i’m literally on the verge of sobbing, not me making myself emotional half way through writing this some one please send help 😭) 

Bf!Channie who is such an amazing listener. whether you are ranting about a horrible day at work or having a transparent moment about the current state of your mental health. He listens super attentively, giving you his undivided attention. Never breaking eye contact, He’ll hold both your hands in his occasionally leaving gentle reassuring kisses to your knuckles as you sit on your bed cross legged in front of each other. (this is so so so boyfie channie coded nobody talk to me im sobbing 😭) 

Bf!Channie who loves to take you on romantic night walks through the city. it has been your thing for years even before you two started dating. 

Bf!Channie who always invites you to join him on his late nights at the studio bc he just wants you to be near him. Even tho you are quite literally just there to sit in a reclining chair eating snacks while you rest your legs in this lap. You both are so content and cozy. He claims to work better with you around him and you absolutely adore watching your sexy producer man boyfie in his element. even if you are only staring at the side of his face for hours on end you will never turn down his offers.  

Bf!Channie who takes the sidewalk rule super seriously. there will never be a time where he will let you walk on the outside of him, always keeping you safe from any passing cars with his right arm around your shoulder, your waist or holding your hand while you walk together. 

Bf!Channie who is super protective and can be slightly possessive over the love of his life. always wanting to know your whereabouts and who you’re with; Sometimes even hiring a bodyguard for you when you are solo traveling for work or going to big modeling events when he isn’t able to attend with you. especially since you’re now well known in the public eye for being the significant other of one of 4th gens greatest! you now need to be protected and taken care of at all times (at least in his mind you do!) But You don’t blame him or ever complain bc you’ve been in pretty dangerous and traumatic situations before and thank god channie has always been there protecting you. He really has always been your knight in shining armor (shining armor being a black beanie and hoodie in his case 😂) 

Bf!Channie who loves your natural body just the way it is. Always reassuring you that he loves all your curves and the things that make you, you. Regardless to your insecurities he always has his hands on you some type of way whether he’s playing with your hair, resting his hands on you, absentmindedly massaging your legs while you two watch a movie together or coping a full feel as he walks past you in the kitchen; squeezing a whole hand full of booty cheek 😂 his hands are always on you. It’s so obvious how attracted and madly in love with you he is. 

Bf!Channie who loves your goofiness and all the silly ways you show your affection towards him. He loves it when you’re completely yourself. absolutely adoring whenever you’re in a playful mood and you just walk up to him to give him a quick bite on the shoulder and walk away with a smile on your face. he loves it even more when you’re really hyper and you do something unhinged like asking to give him a forehead kiss but instead licking his face and running away from him in a fit of giggles before he can catch you. (which he easily does a few seconds later) 

Bf!Channie who loves your pretty brown eyes. easily zoning out sometimes getting lost in your deep eyes mid conversation which always ends up with his ears and cheeks turning a bright red color at you snapping your fingers in front of his face and the sound of your voice bringing him back from a daydream.. “Hello!?? earth to loverboy!? are you with me?? ”

Bf!Channie who loves how soft you are with him. Always touching his hands or softly grabbing one of his pinky fingers when you want to get his attention to show or tell him something. He melts into a puddle seeing how soft your eyes are for him and how your voice is always just barely above a whisper when you speak to him in the warm comfort of your home. you walking up to him while he’s relaxing or doing random things around the house, pushing a few strands of his hair out of his face or softly grabbing his chin and turning his face towards you to simply ask him if he’d like you to make him a quick snack or bring him a cold drink. it unleashes a swarm of butterflies in his tummy and makes his knees buckle every time without fail. (he never understands how something so soft and gentle drives him so crazy, he’s clearly weak in the knees for a soft dom!mommy 🥴) 

Bf!Channie who is so enchanted by your comfortable silence. You two have created such a cozy and calming atmosphere in your home. Always finding each other at random areas of the house at any random hour of the day and enjoying each other’s presence without saying a word. Bringing comfort to one another simply by just.. being. You could be catching up on a new kdrama as chan would come and lay his head in your lap for a nap, intertwining your fingers and placing your hand on his chest. And without a word you’d grab the throw blanket off the back of the sofa and put it over him so that he could sleep comfortably. the feeling of his heartbeat underneath the palm of your hand instantly bringing you a unexplainable warm fuzzy feeling. this was just something that always seemed to happen naturally for you two. this part of your relationship was like a tacit agreement. The way you would climb into channies lap and rest your head in the crook of his neck after finishing up a few house chores as he just scrolled on his phone. it was something so soothing that you both thoroughly enjoyed but never spoke on bc you simply just didn’t need to. this atmosphere you created in your home was even felt by others around you. Family and friends always telling you guys how they felt utterly safe and comfortable every time they were at your house. And that was your favorite compliment to receive as a couple. You two were made for one another.. everything just seemed to work. Truly the best of soulmates. 

Taglist: ??? @hanniemylovelyquokka @goblinracha <;3

buy me a coffee?

#Spotify #skzfairyyy #skzfairyyydreamz #skz scenarios #stray kids #skz #skz reactions #skz headcanons #stray kids headcanons #headcanon #kpop headcanons #skz bang chan #stray kids bang chan #skz chan fluff #skz channie #stray kids fluff #friends to lovers #skz fanfic #stray kids fanfic #skz imagines #stray kids scenarios #skz x reader #skz x you #skz x female reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #stray kids x female reader #tooth rotting fluff #skz comfort #stray kids comfort

[chestharrington]

Honestly, my biggest fear for s5 is that stancy is happening without any growth from Nancy's part. In general, I'm scared most of Steve's plot will be about that instead of giving him stuff to work with. Like handling Dustin's loss or anything with Max. The fact that he already got reduced to Nancy's potential new bf in s4 was nauseating. He deserves a plot for himself interacting with other characters. Like he only cares about his love life, it's crazy given the show he is in.

You're right it's crazy that the Duffers reversed s2 like that, but still, Nancy never really faces any consequences. Maybe the fandom views her as bad, but within the show, she's still the perfect angel princess. Everyone loves her. Nobody really challenges her to be better, which makes her such an annoying character. When she got challenged in s3 by Jonathan, the narrative let's her off the hook immediately. They gave her a pep talk that said actually she was right, she gave a nonpology to her boyfriend abd everything was forgiven because she was right in the end and they better "never doubt her again" (a quote from herself in s3 after saying sorry to Jonathan) I wouldn't have such problems with her character if the show would let people be mad at her and give her opportunities to be better.

So when Steve gave her the okay and said he going to be available at the end, technically, she could just accept his offer without doing anything for it. It's again an easy way out. It really ircs me how some stancy supporters are just fine with it. They hate jancy/Jonathan (fair, he's not the best dude, but yeah), so they always list all the great stuff about Steve. How he will help her heal and grow, he is her hope, etc. They never see him as a character who got lied to by this person, who has a wrong picture in his mind, who idolizes her to a point he can't move on after almost two years. And even if the show magically gives Nancy the opportunity to make things right and be honest. Them getting together would then still be bad because it makes Steve just roll over after learning his perfect girlfriend cheated (a very sensitive issue, the only info we have about his family), but it's whatever. But I doubt tho the show would ever admit it to begin with. The actors and duffers had to clarify it after s2 aired to squash down any cheating rumors (bc it was super murky) because they wanted jancy to be better than stancy. It just seems like they never thought Steve would become more beloved than Jonathan, and now they want miss perfect to be with the better guy.

(Sorry this was long lmao. I'm gonna shut up now)

No you’re so valid I’m eating this up!! The thing about this show is that it could be so much better but they’re so flat and boring w their characters. Like everyone is so one dimensional

[archmage--khadgar]

(To explain some things! I’ve gotten a few messages of love in response to the most recent shenanigans. And also, of course, past messages of you guys throwing kindness at me and I internally 404 like woah. I rarely say nice things about myself. Partially because even though I’m heckin’ chatty once I get going. I feel really guilty and vain or like I’m oversharing or something, I dunno.  The reasons why have kind of been danced around and ffwwuhhhh I might delete this post later or something who knows. A lot of this is stuff I haven’t shared at all or with most people. But I also don’t really like repeating myself too much with certain things so I’m just. Gonna do this. It’s 2:30 in the morning and I just woke up and can’t get back to sleep SO. Yeah. More under the cut.  About why the “I love yous” and other nice things pretty much send me running. And make me really uncomfortable.)

I’m not looking for a pity party, just augh. I feel like it isn’t fair to keep hiding under blankets while calling myself trash and stuff without y’all knowing WHY. A lot of things are still going to be left out, either cause they’re hella buried or I still can’t talk about them yet. But uh. YEAH. Where to begin? The easiest thing to explain, I suppose, is to touch upon how I grew up in a single-parent household. Mom never said “I love you”, but she did yell, screech, and throw things at me and didn’t hold back on telling me how much I pissed her off, whenever she was home. I remember being locked and left alone in a hot car during the middle of summer when I was about 5, thankfully someone saw me crying and TO THIS DAY she’s still angry that I had cried. I’m 31. If I bring it up she immediately gets angry as if it had just happened and starts yelling how terrible I was for crying. As for my Dad, my earliest memory of him is of him telling me goodbye before walking out the door. He eventually came back Uhhhh...Sometime around 2nd grade. Did he and my mom get along at all? Nope! There’s a lot to unpack with that stuff that I won’t touch here. But I will say that it was the first case of me learning that people will say “I love you!” in hopes of swaying you to their side.  My Grandparents loved me! And they showed it - shame my mom moved me away from them and OOPH I’m not going to get into that cause I’ll just start crying. :x Trying to talk while fighting off PTSD is a CHALLENGE but I am HERE FOR IT. Anywhoot. That ties heavily into the basis of why hearing someone say “I love you!” Sends me running. It sets off every red flag.  “What do they want? Why are they saying that? They’re trying to get something from me. What are they trying to get from me?” I can think of how despite all the BS, I still tried to be nice even though I was really fucking weird and the poor kid at school in a time where living with a single parent meant something was wrong with you and all that shit. (Fuuuuuck the 90′s!) GOSH there really is a lot, it’s hard to pick and choose the right things to say. (For amusement: as a kid, I had a teacher who said that I was “cool as cucumber” and if that isn’t some fucking foreshadowing I don’t know what is.  I also liked to collect rocks. And I read The Raven when I was like. 6 or 7 and memorized the fucking thing.  Coincidence? I think NOT- yeah prolly just a coincidence.) It’s really hard to describe the bullying because it wasn’t all pulled hair and getting gum in it and I never got shoved into a locker.  Others would lie, however, in order to get me in trouble.  My clothes also would get pulled off.  Belongings got stolen.  Mom tried to spread a rumor that I fooling around with a new guy every week. Her excuse was.....”Well, you never tell me who you have a crush on or if you’re dating anyone at school, so what else am I supposed to think?”   You know that scene in middle school/high school shows where the main kid gets tricked into thinking their crush was interested in them, and the crush was in on the joke? Yeah. Yeah. That fucking happened.  I guess one of the best examples of “shit that happened that really fucked me up for life” Is.... Had a couple of, what I thought, were really good friends. Despite everything else that was bad I at least had them. We were a trio. It was amazing.  I.... Was wrong. I got a message, on AIM one day from one of them. She said that the other one, my best friend, had committed suicide. And that her family didn’t want to talk to me. Don’t call them, never speak to them again, don’t go to the funeral..... I was crying. And called another friend of mine because I 100% didn’t know what to do. Was it real? Was it a joke that I somehow was misinterpreting?  She told me to keep her updated; and that if I wanted to join her and her family at the mall I was more than welcome to. Mom comes home, sees that I’m crying. I tell her very quickly to keep her from getting angry. She thought I was lying at first for attention or some stupid shit until I showed her the chat log. She calls up the mom of my best friend and not only was it not true..... They were hanging out with each other at the other girl’s house. To this day, I have NO fucking clue if my best friend (at the time) was in on it or if it was done without her knowing. Either way, ANGRY MOM’S ALL AROUND, and my mom still questioned why I thought it was real cause hurr hurr I’m supposed to be smart. But also, I had already attempted suicide twice so OF. FUCKING. COURSE. I didn’t question the possibility.  Anyways. I learned a big lesson about my worth that day, from people whom I was closest with. The people who would shout “WE LOVE YOU~!” From the bus window. They remained friends with each other. But not with me. The girl never spoke to me again and my BF quickly made it apparent that I was, and always had been an annoyance in her life. I was weird, stupid, whiney, 14-year-old acting like a 10-year-old, the list goes on.  Could I have been a better friend? In some ways, yeah, maybe? Who knows. I don’t know.  And then Highschool massively tanked after that.  I failed assignments more than I passed them if it wasn’t for the creative projects and extra credit I would have completely flunked out.  POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING for the next few lines paragraphs, I’m not going into too much detail but I just want to give a fair warning. Three male friends: Two online and one I knew in person cause he was a friend of a friend.  All three of them were older, I was a minor and theeey...were not. One had just turned 18, one was 20, and I honestly don’t know how old the other guy was. O_o which is weird because I ended up being friends with him for years and I uh. Somehow never got his age. PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. :T The two online guys roped me into erp, knowing my age. Their reasoning? One of them told me I needed to learn to grow up, and how to be an adult. And that, also, as an artist, I needed to start drawing porn because otherwise, I’d never be good. He’d frequently send me NSFW art and shit and try to get me to find out what I liked, and yeah we all know what else he was doing. The other one? I don’t remember much but what I can remember strikes me as more subtle grooming than just rolling in with “WELL YER IN HIGH SCHOOL TIME TO GROW UP EVERYONE’S DOING THIS.” I HAD to deliver otherwise I was a shitty person, a disappointment.  And then the guy I knew in person would frequently make sexual comments about me, either to my face or to our mutual friend (Which pissed her off cause she had a crush on him, she was only a year older than me). All of this was done under the guise of... We’re friends! We love and care about you! We’re doing/saying this because we want you to be happy! You’re such a nice person! You’re so pretty when you smile! “I’m just trying to get you out of your shell.” “It’s better to find out what you like now with a friend who cares.” So on, and so forth.  Trigger warning over...ish?” There’s obviously a lot, and I mean a LOT of stuff I’m not saying. And before you yell THERAPY. Yeah, I’ve been. Yeeeeaaaah therapists never wanted to talk about any of this. I’d bring it up and they’d shut it down as “Unimportant” They’d open up trauma I’d forgotten about, realized they didn’t get paid enough to deal with my bullshit, and focus on other really random shit. BUT WHAT. I’m getting at is. Despite all this, I never got into drugs, or drinking, didn’t become a teenage parent, haven’t been arrested. It’s something I’m still processing and accepting. But like.  Looking back on everything as a whole, for the most part, I just. Everything that I went through SHOULD have turned me into an awful person, I mean. A lot of people would say that I am and I wouldn’t argue it BUT. Like. The damage is there, the damage is done. Some of this might never heal or might take several more years to heal I honestly don’t know.  I don’t understand how I am not. An awful person. Self-deprecating trash jokes aside.  I was only good when I kept quiet. I was only good when I followed their directions. I was only loved when they needed something.  I was only a good person with their approval, and I’d do anything to get it.  I’d sacrifice my belongings, my food, my time, my energy, I’d run to the defense of shitty friends and to the people who’d physically and emotionally hurt me. I feel guilty for outing them even though they’re not here, will never see this, and I didn’t even name names or give details that would give me away.  This stuff isn’t resigned to highschool, I’ve been through a LOT of shit since then but that’s a post for a different day.  There was a time where I had started to feel proud that despite everything I didn’t fall into a hole of drug and alcohol addiction and who knows what else. And I got shot down. I got shot down SO HARD.  I was a bully for being proud of that. I was a terrible person for recognizing my own strength. I was told I was actually weak, a coward, that I don’t know what true suffering is.  And I am still frequently told that I need to start doing MJ or other drugs to “Finally loosen up and be cool.” hnngph. THERE’S STILL A lot more to unpack but I don’t really feel like it right now. But I can’t process being a good person. I can’t hear “I love you!” and not get scared that everything is going to happen again and that I won’t be strong enough, that I’ll prove to all my classmates and family once and for all that I’m the horrible, shitty monster they’re all waiting and expecting me to be.   People say I’m a good person, and then I also frequently get lectured on how I need to toughen up and stop whining or get over myself or whatever.  So I’m not...good..I can’t be good? I’m too selfish, weak and vain to be a good person.  I should have known better, I should have been stronger, and I shouldn’t have given in to wanting to be validated, and loved.  AND SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT worse than me I have no business thinking I’m a good person or strong or whatever. Absolutely none. I feel so manipulative for even saying any of this. Hnnpgh.

#ooc #long post #mun ramblings #FUCK this got long again I'm sorry

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1. I am an INTP 5w6 female and I want to know how to meet new people, it didn't bother me before but I had a boyfriend.of 1.5years and I now miss having someone in my life, don't remember exactly what I wrote but I thought I had made a good choice and was really hopeful about that relationship and I tried hard to make it work but I couldn't deal with his bs anymore, I did for a while cause I thought he was worth it, I've been trying to build deeper relationships but didn't care before so imbehnd

2. My ex wasn't extremely manipulative but he lied and hid things from me and got angry when I complained when his stories made no sense, I left We knew each other for so long and I couldn't deal with him not apologizing for his bs and blaming me for what he was doing, I just couldn't justify the relationship even if I still loved him This lead me to believe my strategy was wrong since I thought I knew him and that he was more mature than that, no matter how high the filter this could happen..

3. It's just so disappointing, you know? That people can be such assholes after managing to present themselves as the opposite of that for so long I've never really had close friendships except for my ex, and a few friends (I guess?) I didn't care much for this before since I'm alright on my own, but I found that I really liked having someone, so I'm trying to meet new people now that I'm more or less healing, but idk how to do it, acquaintances used to fall in my lap before but not anymore

4. I'm 23 yo, about to get my degree. I do have a crush on a classmate but when I try to picture us going out it feels awkward and weird since I don't know him very well, I need to know people well before considering dating... I'm just very lost and I feel kind of behind from everyone else since I'm super inexperienced (only that one bf, and it was long distance...) and idk how to correct that at this point. I've been dressing better so people treat me better (haven't noticed, makes sense tho)

5. People do seem to like me well enough but I guess everyone already has their group of friends and is too busy to invite me places often enough that I become part of the core group, but I'm getting there, a bit (I think) I've been going everywhere I've been invited with my classmates lately but they don't really bring anyone new, I've managed to be a step up from acquaintance with a girl friend, which is nice, with older friends the same thing happens, even if we come across their friends...

6. I've always had a hard time fitting in very well, romantically I'd love to have someone at a similar experience level because I feel like I missed out on being a crucial relationship for the other person, but my ex had several gfs before and I didn't care too much then but now I do because afterwards certain things made me feel bad, but I guess I could manage anyway.I also get paranoid when I read what other bs some people manage to do like marrying someone but loving their bestfriend instead

7. I apologize for making it so long but I thought it'd be necessary to give a bit of info on myself and my thoughts, my age, what I've been trying etc I just wanna meet good people at this point in my life and want some tips on how to do that without taking extremely long only for them to be assholes anyways... I think I've managed to make some more acquaintances but I've only clicked with two girls I talk to outside of the classroom when we're not hanging out, gonna focus on them rn-----------------------

(very long response ahead)

I know this is not what you asked nor is it necessarily going to be helpful or relevant but: I would strongly rethink your type. Ti-doms and 5s are both vanishingly unlikely to drop seven asks worth of highly personal and emotionally open information in the inboxes of total strangers.

With regards to the actual question, this is really not an MBTI question (more on this at the end) and not entirely something I’d consider myself an expert on. I very much hope I am not the only person you can go to on this because I personally wouldn’t want me to be my only source of advice on this. With those caveats, see below.

I think Tumblr (and to be fair some forms of media) portray friendships and relationships as an attraction at first sight/immediate connection.

This is fucking stupid.

Because I tie everything back to my personal soapbox causes: this is why I have such disdain for the anti-small talk crowd, or people who think they’re special because they crave a deep, below-the-surface human connection. Nearly everyone wants deep connection. It’s normal and healthy. It’s also an ongoing process that nearly always involves some period of time during which you and the other potential friend are awkward acquaintances who don’t entirely understand each other and have to talk about surface-level things. You can’t speedrun intimacy.

This is particularly true in adulthood. Children do make friends more quickly, but also children are weird and fickle and a friendship can be based on little more than sharing crayons (not to knock that, plenty of great friendships started that way) while adults have a much better sense of who they are and also typically a much more narrow definition of who they want as a friend and all kinds of emotional baggage to boot.

Essentially, if you want a friendship that matches the depth of a relationship of 1.5 years it’s probably going to take close to 1.5 years to get there, and from what you said you’d known each other even longer before the romantic relationship, so add that time too. Which might not be what you want to hear, but it’s important to manage the expectation. Basically all relationships (and by this I mean romantic or platonic) start out with little connection, and you become friends through building that connection, and you can’t really rush it.

I believe in “clicking” in the sense of there being an immediate mutual interest in getting to know each other better, but speaking practically, regardless of the initial chemistry you are still basically intrigued strangers at that point. All clicking does is provide additional motivation for that process of getting to know each other. And speaking from experience, deep friendships in the long term don’t always have an initial “click”. I’ve had relationships that were initially quite intense fade away, and others slowly grow from acquaintanceship into lasting intimate friendship even if we didn’t expect it on first meeting. The myth of clicking is confirmation bias - unless there was a serious fallout, you’ll probably forget the people who you thought you clicked with if it didn’t just work out, and conversely it’s not hard to look back through the lenses of memory and nostalgia and find a single moment when a friendship or love crystalized, even though the reality is that it was merely the tipping point after considerable energy had already been invested on both sides.

In terms of practical advice, finishing up a degree is a uniquely awkward time, especially if all your classmates are in the same boat, because there’s often a mentality of “we’re all going to leave soon, let’s stick with the friendships we have.” Others in your class may not have that motivation to make a close connection, and it sucks but it’s temporary. The good news is that the larger world doesn’t feel that way. It is a bit more difficult to make friends as an adult, just because you’re not spending time with people naturally the same way as you do in school, but meetups and clubs and social organizations all exist for this reason and are explicitly there for people who want to make friends. And again, it’s going to be a slow process. I respect that it’s frustrating having to start from what feels like square one, but it’s unavoidable.

As for dating, you don’t need to do apps if you don’t want to! But you’re right. It’s going to be comparatively inefficient. Particularly if you prefer to date people you already know socially, you’ll have to put in a lot of effort going to social things and building those acquaintanceships over time and you might need to ask someone out face to face. Inexperience is fine. Everyone has to start somewhere. The tradeoff is more that you can’t screen people as well if you’re on apps, and they can be kind of impersonal but you do get to interact with many people quickly on your own terms without having to go outside and with the luxury of being able to think up witty comebacks instead of having to chat in real time.

(I do want to counter the idea that people who use apps are any less deep or anything like that. Some people are comfortable with casual hookups and some aren’t, but many people use apps to set up a date first and see if they have enough of an interest to keep things going. As with all of the above, everything has to start somewhere and if you think of the app as a way to facilitate meeting people, rather than “I must make a romantic connection with this person tonight”, and steer towards dating vs. hookup apps/make it clear you’re looking for long-term relationships, you might have more luck. The point of the first date for most people isn’t to find a partner, though sometimes that happens; it’s to find someone you enjoy enough to go on a second date with and slowly get to know).

One final thought: all this advice applies universally but I actually think considering it in the context of MBTI is more harmful than helpful, or at best misleading. For example, you say that being a 5 you take too long to check if people are safe, which whether or not you actually are a 5 also has absolutely nothing to do with being a 5, and even if you are a 5 and this is a 5 thing, you’re aware of this behavior! You can stop doing that then! MBTI is not destiny!

Regardless of type, no one automatically knows what to say in every situation, no one can read minds, and no one has discovered the secret to always being liked and never being rejected. Type can convey talent or inclination but skill requires time. Extroverts are often better with people because they have to be - they aren’t as okay with just being alone, especially when younger, so they go out and deal with people and through that process learn to make friends. But they weren’t born with it. Sites that favor introverts and/or intuitives are terrible for a lot of reasons but I find they perpetuate the ideas I disagreed with above, that friendships for introverts and intuitives must always be with people who Click and Already Get It. This is wrong and it’s limiting. Obviously don’t pursue a friendship or relationship if you don’t like the person, but don’t write someone off just because you didn’t feel a magical spark right away. That’s not being deep and sensitive - that’s being closed off to new experiences. Anything worth doing involves real-world effort and some amount of risk, and usually it involves patience and time and awkwardness and uncertainty as well.

#mbti #enneagram #long post #aegeanfractal #answered asks

[someobscurereference]

oh ok so fun fact! u totally have multiple fe anons now! XD theres def at least 2 of us, maybe more tho. im NOT the anon from the last ask, but dragons gate idea! holy shit. this is the Dream Scenario, tell me more. like i think the trio would be way more comfy staying knowing they could visit home whenever they wanted. how do encounters with the other future kids go? i imagine that tho they bicker they actually care about one another quite a bit? do the royal sibs get shovel talked?

Multiple!!! Anons!! I guess I’ve been suspecting that for a bit now but it’s finally been #confirmed and I’m still as surprised as if it were day one, lol. I’ve been addressing some asks as though they’re all from the same anon when they’re probably not. Whoops! At least I can be more careful from here on out ;)

Dragon’s Gate Scenario (where the timelines between Nohr and Ylisse actually match up) is best scenario because allowing the Trio to visit their family and and friends without leaving Nohr behind makes my heart warm and happy. I agree that they’d be wayyyy more comfy with this ability.  (Also buckle up bc we’re about to talk about some timeline stuff right here)

I’m pretty convinced most the fe13 crew thinks the Awakening Trio is dead by now, tbh. Which makes me so sad!!! And I don’t want it to be true!! But from what it seems, Anankos showed up right when all the future kids were gonna split ways and was like “please save my kingdom” and threw a paper with where to meet (probably wraped around a brick or something and it nearly hits Inigo, lmao) and then he left. So Owain, Inigo, and Severa go off to check it out, but?? They probably didn’t except to be gone for literal years? Because it’s definitely been years. 

I think Selena makes some comment that implies she remembers Corrin as a young child but that feels a little too long for me/they still look pretty young in-game, so to me, the Trio has probably been in Nohr for like five (5) years or so? That’s just personal opinion. That number can change, but it’s for sure been years.

When they meet, Anankos is pretty explicit about the fact if they’re going to help him, they have to leave Right Now. No time to send a letter or say goodbye or anything. Instant decision. And the Trio makes the mythical heroic one, the sacrificial one, but at what cost?

It takes a month to travel from Yllise to the meeting place, so all the parents were probably expecting to hear back from their future kids after like a month. And then they… didn’t. 

Some of them probably keep hope. Lissa insists that she’d know if her son were gone, she’d feel it, and most believe that she thinks so but Maribelle knows she worries. And with how close Maribelle and Lissa are, Owain and Brady probably grew up together, practically brothers, and Brady’s doubts eat at him like a black hole and he cries practically every time he thinks about it, about the letters he’s never gotten, about the travels they didn’t get to have together now that the war was over, and Owain’s dead, probably, because of something stupid or heroic or both and Brady wasn’t even there to heal him, couldn’t even do that, so useless and—

Sometimes Cynthia sits with him and doesn’t try to cheer him up when he blubbers and at least once she mentions that they aren’t her kinds of heroes, but Owain always liked the type that showed up at the very last second. She’s kinda hoping he’ll still jump out at some point. Who knew being a lone hero was so lonely? She doesn’t say anything after that, and then Brady’s all out of tears. 

Olivia practices dances that require two people and waits for her grown son to come home, knowing he probably won’t. Her baby isn’t big enough to dance yet, and that’s amazing and she loves this little bundle of joy and the future she’s going to have with him that another version of her didn’t reach, but she still misses Inigo. Gerome wanted to live a life of solitude with Minerva and the other wyverns and he got it. He sees the other kids the least out of anyone and he knows better than to expect anything good out of the world even with the cruelest future averted, but even he sometimes catches himself staring at his open palm, trying to remember how Inigo’s hand felt in his own when the fool was trying to convince Gerome to come back in time, please, and then when Gerome relented, in the new world Inigo was always pawing at him anyway to come visit these women or that event and— 

Gerome has been stuck in the past long enough. He has to look ahead. His hand aches. 

Noire was friends with Inigo and Sevena both, and maybe she had a crush on both of them, maybe. Or at least the potential for a crush. Or something adjacent to one. She loved them both so fiercely, the way only dying things loved (because they were all doomed from the start up until they weren’t), and at some point it didn’t matter if she teetered on the edge of romance or not, she loved them. Inigo always flirted with every girl under the sun but her, but it never mattered because in the end she always worried over him anyway. He never learned. And she misses the way Severa would fuss over her too. Sometimes she still wakes up in the night and wishes Severa were there to guide her, even though she’s long since past any need for hand-holding or fussing. She still wants it. 

(Sometimes she makes a cake and wonders what Owain would have named it. The sugar always tastes sour those days.)

Cordelia knows better than anyone how greedy war can be, what it can take within seconds. The problem with that is that the war is supposed to be over, but she seems to have lost her daughter anyway. She’s broken her promise never to leave her daughter alone again. Maybe it’s fate; maybe Cordelia is always meant to be the lone survivor. She wishes a lot of things. 

Kjelle hasn’t touched makeup since the time Severa tried to teach it to her and she forgot more important things, like how to hold a shield. Sometimes she catches herself staring at the lines of kohl on other girl’s faces and wondering what Severa would have thought, though. Usually that leads to chopping wood and practicing stances for hours on end until she can’t feel her fingers anymore. Kjelle’s never been much for words or contemplation outside the material—what would this move do against that one, is her armor the proper weight still—but she catches herself wondering what Severa would say about trinkets in the store windows more often than she would like. Laurent and Severa have always been opposits, but it worked, somehow, for them, even if it led to bickering more often than not. She forced him out of his comfort zone, and he tempered her, or so he thought. Perhaps Severa would have matured naturally with age. Laurent can come up with a thousand hypotheses now, but he’s never going to know the truth. Not anymore.

And it’s not just them, it’s everyone. It’s Nah missing chasing Inigo around when she got mad at him, though she didn’t really mean it. It’s Yarne missing Severa’s perseverance, her constant push at him to do better. It’s Lucina missing her cousin, who she always admired with the imagination she didn’t quite have and the bravery she shared with him. It’s everyone. They all miss each other in a hundred different ways, and the Trio misses them and home like a drowning man whose adapted to the ocean but can still taste the salt. 

—

Uhhhh, that got sad, but anyway!! You’d bet everyone would be ECSTATIC  to find Owain/Severa/Inigo alive and well. There would be many a tear. Kjelle would probably punch something. Brady would try to yell at them but he’d be sobbing too hard to actually say anything. Nah would roar with all the power of the dragon she is, and everyone’s parents would hold them hard and not want to let go. Lucina would beam and Gerome would let go of the little string of tension that had been wrapped around his heart for the past few years and Laurent would have to compose himself and Cynthia would be doing flips, and you know there’d be so much yelling. So much. The story would have to come out in bits and pieces because they’d constantly be interrupting one another, on both sides. 

I’ve definitely been focusing on the sadder parts of this idea and not the happier ones, so while this answer is getting long, let me try to fix that real fast. 

There’s guaranteed to be a lot of fussing over the Trio, who are now like 5 years older than when they last left and maybe? possibly? still disguised with Anankos’ magic? Maybe also that vanishes when they step through the Gate. Unknown. What is also guaranteed, however, is how much fussing the Nohrians get when visiting officially as a mixed group of royals and the Trio’s BFs/GFs.

Xander charms the pants of Olivia, hands down. He’s genuine and kind and charming, and when his back is turned, Olivia looks at her son and blushes because hot damn. Inigo picked a catch.  Inigo sees her look and wants to sink into the floor, but she’s not wrong. Also he feels 12 all over again. Olivia offers to dance for him and Inigo wants to join in and he also wants to watch and he’s also too shy to want to dance in front of anybody, even just Xander and his mom, and it makes for an interesting visit for sure. 

Leo passes Aunt/Other Mother Maribelle’s Scrutiny Test, but Niles, for all the effort he’s putting in to make a good impression, probably doesn’t. Owain insists Niles isn’t really that bad, he’s loyal like nothing else, and that’s at least a benefit in Maribelle’s book. She’s still suspicious of his seemingly shady character and all the effort he’s putting into looking good for her (because the fact he has to put in effort at all is suspicious to her, and it would have been suspicious if he were a prince or a farmer or anything other than a thief turned royal retainer. The only reason she can’t pin anything on Leo is because he keeps pulling out obscure knowledge to answer all her probing questions and has only the utmost manners. She’s waiting for him to make a cultural faux pas), but Owain is grown now. He can make his own decisions.  Besides, if Lissa isn’t complaining, she can’t either. Lissa loves Niles and Leo both. Lissa maybe catches them unawares with the old “bucket of frogs over the doorway” trick, though. She hasn’t changed. 

Cordelia’s happy to meet whoever her daughter loves, so long as they give Severa the love she deserves and pretty obviously craves. Not that Cordelia can talk, since she’s been absent from Severa’s life long enough too. She just worries like any normal mother. That Beruka girl is a little stony, but Camilla seems to have enough love for the both of them combined, even if she is a little intimidating too. Cordelia is mostly satisfied. She tries to keep her back straight when they’re looking at her, though. She’s never been one to be intimidated, but she wonders how Severa’s been faring in the seemingly dark land of Nohr. Well, if Severa has people she cares about there, she figures her daughter must be doing pretty well. 

(P.S. I can do more specific reactions if there was something you had in mind! I’m not sure anyone would give a Shovel Talk because I’m not too much a fan of that trope? I feel like it disregards the agency of whoever the Talker is trying to “protect”. I’d say Kjelle might give one, but she might just end up admiring Camilla’s muscles instead. Henry might (for whoever you picture him the father of), albeit unintentionally. I think it’s canon Henry would do Literally Anything asked of him for those he loves, so I can see that fact slipping pretty easily into conversation, even accidentally.

The one most likely to intentionally pull a Shovel Talk move is Noire, probably. Against Xander, even though she likes Xander. Because Inigo never really did learn in the army, and she doesn’t know if Laslow’s learned anything yet. Probably not.)

tl;dr the Kids all Love each other So Much. They grew up together in a destroyed world and at the end of the day, they all know they always have each other, and the Trio being missing is like a hole in their hearts even when the rest of the fe13 kid cast are all on their separate travels

#my text #asks #fe13 #fe14 #long post #character death mention #this was longer and sadder than i expected but i promise i always write happy ends in the end

[pleasantame]

I need some advise, my bf knows im very self conscious about my weight, im not overweight but with all the celebs in the media its hard not to feel bad. He doesnt make me feel better about it he makes me feel worse. He said he would prefer it if i had a celebrity figure but tried to console it by saying "everyone in the world would prefer that though so dont think about it" idk what to do it hurt me a lot

Sadly we are all guilty of looking for validation in others. And I remember what it's like to witness my significant other praise body types that I'll never have. I have some ideas of what you can do, but I still struggle with comparing myself as well. So don't expect me to have the answers. Forget what he said. You live in your body, he does not. No one has any say over what you should think of yourself. This is important. If he were truly unhappy with you, he can leave. I'd tell him that. It's scary to be that upfront, but you deserve so much better. I'm hoping it's a blip in the relationship, because my first instinct would be to just leave him. But I don't know your history, or the good sides of him. It's obvious that you cherish him in your life, otherwise you wouldn't be messaging me. This is potentially a reflection of something inside him that he isn't satisfied with. It's not your obligation to change for him. The attitude "take it or leave it" would be very empowering in this case. Never apologize for being YOU.Some tips to deal with the aftermath of a confrontation like this with him, or even yourself may be this: When I obsess over the tiny details, such as my annoying love handles, butt dimples, or chicken legs, I'm letting myself spiral. It's my choice to obsess. To reverse this mindset, I practice self love by looking in the mirror and focusing on the things I LOVE about me. I will always live in this body, and I can't change that. I may as well appreciate it. I could work out and tone my body, but it's not necessary. (unless you want to practice a healthy lifestyle.. but that's kind of irrelevant honestly. People confuse health and beauty ALL THE TIME.)This whole self love thing can also be practiced with meditation or positive affirmations. After a confrontation that makes me feel gross and sick to be in my own skin, I let myself feel it. Analyze it. And then I move on to comforting myself as if I'm my own child, or something nurturing of the sort. "You are fine. Don't worry about it. Things don't change instantly. You are healthy and you will be okay. This is temporary pain. You won't feel this way soon." Even if I don't believe myself, it's a nice way of tuning out the voice that spews self doubt. That voice isn't productive, and it doesn't contribute to my happiness. Honestly, this is something that makes me appreciate myself a lot. A whole day of self care. Face mask, hair mask, moisturising my entire body, putting on some lingerie, and play music I enjoy dancing to. Basically, make yourself feel sexy as hell and shut your mind up when it starts saying, "This is ridiculous." No, you've been TAUGHT to think it's ridiculous. We expect other people to pamper us all the time, but we aren't allowed to do it on our own time when no one is looking? LMAO right.. anyway, I tend to feel very sexy and in tune with my body when I'm paying attention to it sexually. People may say that's unhealthy, but... I don't see how that correlates honestly. If you're a sexual being, I recommend paying attention to your body in a way that someone who is EXTREMELY attracted to you would. If you practice self love, your boyfriend's words will become gibberish. It only bothers you because you believe him. This is a journey you must take alone. He will only fill a void and it's up to you to heal it. Sorry if this is all preachy? I don't know if this is what you want to hear, either. To this day, I still wish to be what my ex was attracted to. It's annoying, but this voice will quiet more and more when you remind yourself that there is no RIGHT WAY to look. That is something society created. You're just flesh.

[cosmichealing]

Hey I’ve been following u for a while since we r both harry fans lol and Ive come across your posts about your anxiety and some depressive episodes while still being in a great relationship.. which is awesome 💜 just wondering any advice for a girl who deals with the same issues and is bad with dating 🤧

I could honestly write for hours about this because I’ve learned so much from being in a relationship for the first time. So hopefully this isn’t too long rip. I remember googling stuff like this and just ending up feeling even more hopeless so if I can help in anyway it would be so awesome.

+ The most obvious (and arguably most important) thing that I’m sure you already know is that having a significant other doesn’t automatically make you happier or make you whole. No one else has the ability to heal your pain and putting all that on someone else is unhealthy for everyone involved. The good thing is that when you find the right person, they’ll understand that they can’t fix you, but they can make the healing much more bearable and a lot less lonely.

+ When it comes to actually dating with anxiety, I found it helpful to relieve some pressure from the situation. For example, instead of having the goal of the date being to find The One or having the other person fall in love with you asap, lower the stakes a bit. I remember before some dates thinking about how in the very least I could make a new friend. I just focused my energy into getting to know the other person as best as I could. I was a nervous wreck each time because dating is already stressful, but adding anxiety to it makes it even worse. The bright side: the dread before the date is really the worst of it. Once you’re in it you’ll know pretty quickly if you’re clicking with the person. If you do awesome, if you don’t, you gave it a try and had a fun night out (***do a fun activity you’d enjoy with friends so you’re at ease!!!bowling, ice skating, etc., something where you’re doing something else relieves a lot of pressure!!don’t do like dinner and a movie for the first few dates blegh!!!)

+ I only started going on dates like 2 years ago because of my anxiety and also because I was subconsciously sabotaging any opportunity I had, not only for romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I hoped a relationship would just happen to me so that I wouldn’t have to put myself out there but……….that’s not how it works *JVN voice* can you believe??!? At some point I was like fuck it I’ve hurt myself more than anyone else ever will and I’m done keeping myself from potential joy for fear of being hurt. Making a conscious decision to be open to others is a good step to take if you haven’t already. I’m not saying lay it all out there because it’s important to be cautious, but be ready and willing to be vulnerable for someone you think is worth it.

+ Having respect for yourself and your needs is the best way to weed out any assholes. Know the kind of person you want to be with and what you absolutely won’t stand for, stick to that and don’t settle for any less. I’m 23 and again, I’m in my first relationship ever. Growing up I always got told I was too picky and that my expectations were too high and that’s why I was always single, I eventually believed it. Because of that, I made a lot of mistakes and started to settle for the bare minimum. But guess what?!? Everyone was WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I eventually found exactly what I was looking for in my bf and I’m really glad I wasn’t in any relationships while in that mindset, but also very angry that anyone ever made me believe I didn’t deserve exactly what i wanted. Don’t scour for it and don’t force it, but know it and don’t compromise.

+ Being in a relationship takes a lot of effort and can be very challenging, but if it’s worth it and it’s working, the challenges are rewarding. For example, I’m really bad at talking about my feelings, but my bf is really good at it and is much more comfortable with being vulnerable than I am, which is something I love and admire so much about him. So whenever I find myself filtering anything or stopping myself from saying something (whether it’s voicing a concern or some dumbass cheesy thought) I push myself to say it anyway. Some times are easier than others, but it’s helped me be a much better communicator and it’s very fullfilling because I can feel our bond deepen (🤢🤮it’s tru tho😫😫😫)whenever we have longs talks about our ~~~feelings~~~~~🤤🤢 lmfao

+ Last thing! The right person is going to be someone you want to be like. Someone you admire and can look up to. This person will accept every single part of you and love you because and despite of all the “bad” parts.

I’m not an expert by any means and everyone is different, but I think these things are general enough to be helpful. I hope this helped even a little bit!!!! Sorry it was so long I have a lot to say about this 🤮🤧I wish you the very best!!!

#i lov harries #we're all Angels

[xeezhiah]

I have accepted my fate, why can't you guys do the same?

Sometimes, too much joke can be offensive.

I am writing this not because I want to rant. I am doing so because I am so sick and tired of hearing the same joke over and over again. One day everyone is silent then the next, given the chance and the situation, there it goes again, people around me would keep on telling me the same joke that I have been hearing the past 6 fucking years. Maybe I have heard enough that I felt I needed to put things into writing in the hope that finally, no one would be so insensitive to pressure me.

First of all, doing that online is a form of cyberbullying - that makes all of those who laughs at me in that specific joke a bunch of cyberbullies. Hindi naman masama magbiro pero kapag paulit ulit na, nakakasawa. Hindi na masaya. For the record, I see nothing wrong with being single, really. It doesn't mean you are unattractive, it doesn't mean you are unloved. But when you try to laugh at someone, on a PUBLIC SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP, then there must be something wrong somewhere. Tipong parang binenta nyo na rin ako sa mga potential manyak na nagkalat sa social media for making fun of me. I have tried to defend myself in a funny manner but I still got triggered.

The hell, ikakamatay nyo ba kung single ako? Hindi naman di ba?

You all don't know the story. I have tried to date. Pero it just won't work out. May mali sa akin that drives people away and I can't change that for the sake of having someone stay with me. I am not yet at the desperada level to do that and I will not allow to be at that point. I WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE FOR SOMEONE. If no one can accept me and my flaws as it is, SO BE IT.

Just because I have been single this long doesn't mean also that I have not moved on from the last relationship I have had. True enough, masyadong masakit yun, I spent 4 years of my life with that person malamang masasaktan ako ng sobra dahil we have to prematurely end our relationship. The pain was just too real, too real that I almost lost my sanity. It changed my point of view about love and relationships, I have developed trust issues because I felt everyone is going to betray me, everyone is telling a lie to the point that I can't even trust my own self. To most of you who kept laughing at me at that "HANGGANG NGAYON SINGLE KA PA RIN" joke, I will bet on my life that you know nothing about my struggle just to get back to my comfortable self. Choosing to stay single after that relationship was a form of HEALING dahil nga sobrang sakit. Hindi naman dahil sobra akong nasaktan, ibig sabihin nun mahal ko pa yung taong yun or hinihintay ko pa sya. Masaya na sya sa choice nya, don't insist na hinihintay or mahal ko pa sya dahil WALA NA AKONG NARARAMDAMAN para sa kanya. If I choose not to be friends with the guy, it is because each time I see him even in social media fotos, it is comparable to opening a stitched wound and adding salt on it for it to bleed again. Ganun yung feels. I choose to stay away because it is better that way, it is peaceful that way. Wag na ihalo sa kwento ng current situation ko yung kung anong klaseng roller coaster ride yung pinagdaanan namin together dahil walang kinalaman yun.

It is also the same with the person whom I have loved the most. I am not waiting for his comeback either. Yes, he might be ghe greatest love BUT we leave it at that. WALA AKONG HINIHINTAY SA MGA EX BF KO dahil hindi naman dapat. Napagod na din akong hintayin si crushie na hindi naman ako crush so bakit ko pa ipipilit? KUNG AYAW SA AKIN, DI WAG! Plain and simple. Hindi naman ganun kadali na maghanap and hindi rin naman talaga ako naghahanap kasi comfotable ako kung ano ako.

Now if you guys are not, then kayo ang may problem. Hindi ako. Ayusin nyo sarili nyo, look at your own flaws and do something about it. Don't mind my flaws because I love every bit of it.

I still don't understand the reason why mas pinoproblema nyong lahat yung pagiging single ko, thank you for the concern but hey, I have accepted my fate the moment the recent potential relationship became a failure. I am praying you all do the same. There is more to my life other than stressing myself finding that one person na wala din namang certainty kung magtatagal ba sa akin o hindi. Truth be told, I am happy living my life but when you guys are going beyond the line, ang kill joy nyo lahat.

I know I am old, I'm 32 and proud of it but it doesn't worry me that at my age, I am still unattached. I honestly prefer it that way because I know no one is meant to stay. People come and go - and I am already tired of keeping up with knowing new people, getting comfortable with them and then in just a week or so, mawawala. I am so tired of that cycle. It won't make me less of a person if I always fail to follow the society's "norm" of having someone to "complete" me even so I feel very much complete.

It doesn't worry me that most of my friends are getting married and having babies while I am just focused on work and running. I won't live my life in a way you guys want, I will choose to live beyond what the society calls for. Mapagod na sana kayong lahat sa pag pressure sa akin kasi ako pagod na sa inyo. Six years of making fun of the single me is enough so let us put an end to it. Please just accept my fate the way I have done and respect my choice the way I deserve it.

It won't hurt all of you to do so.

❤

[likeabear]

anon reply

first of all, no ur not crazy or stupid. this is a new experience for you and all your emotions and feelings are all valid, honest and real so dont take this whole entire situation and let it hinder you from moving on or whatever you choose to do. remember this is one guy and one situation and its something to take and to learn and grow from. i think that its important to recognize that much.

secondly, and again this is my opinion and my take on this, what im seeing and understanding is that maybe he did get comfortable but more so, that he got afraid - that hes afraid of commitments and all that because of his past (BUT please dont let this stop you from doing you).

“He canceled both last minute. He started getting angry at me for being disappointed in him canceling. Saying this is why he doesnt date. He only hooks up because he doesnt need the drama. In the three weeks we lived a mile apart from each other we only saw each other twice.He kept telling me during this time how much I meant to him so I kept talking to him.”

when you said that, this is what bothers me and mind you, im no expert and i dont know this guy but like why is he blaming YOU for HIM cancelling. i dont think theres anything wrong with you being a bit disappointed when both plans were cancelled last minute and then furthermore, why is he jumping off a cliff saying this is why he doesnt date, because of the drama. like both of you guys mutually agreed to these plans... like if anything, HE’S the one whos being dramatic. like if both of you guys are clearly expressing your feelings for one another, which yall were, then like i think its fair for you to keep on wanting to talk to him because its not like its a one-sided relationship, both of you were putting in time and effort UNTIL he stopped. am i making sense? idk like to me saying, “ He only hooks up because he doesnt need the drama” just sounds like hes making excuses or just trying to find any reason to stop because hes afraid - which he should have been open to you about because then it would have prevented the next thing from happening .... [below]

in regards to the whole jealousy thing and him saying “ there was no other girl he just let his emotions get ahead of him and he doesnt deserve me” .. PERSONALLY, i see jealousy as an insecurity and like if ur bf gets jealous of u hanging out with any of ur guy friends alone even tho theres nothing between you two, then like he (the bf) has issues that he needs to sort out. its just something that bothers me, idk if i have any real opinion aside from him needing to grow up.

“He said he hated himself for hurting me” ok so if he hated it why did he think it was the right thing to do in the first place. like if he actually care (NOT saying that he never did but towards the end) then he would like oh ok lets be smart and lets do this and maybe talk about it and do x y z and do proactive things to better BOTH our lives. why did he think that was ok doing and saying what he did - like what did he think was gonna happen??????????? i understand for some people its hard talking about things because they dont want to bring up past memories but you guys agreed to take it slow then he should be able to talk to you about it. if you guys were able to talk/facetime for x amount of hours and if you guys could talk about literally anything and everything then why couldnt he be open to you about his fears or potential fears. idk man jealousy is a hard thing to try to understand and justify.

“I cant help but think he lost interest in me once he had me, because why wouldnt he want to spend every moment with his “favorite person”?"

i understand that jealousy can make people do some crazy ass things without a good/valid reason but again, dont blame urself. that was his choice to end things the way he did - not the best way but like if he hasnt fully healed from his ex cheating on him thus having this jealousy thing going, then like he’s not ready. or if he is, then maybe hes not the right one for you. i know you invested a lot of time and emotion into him and thats never gonna go away for you, but you do have to understand that maybe he actually wasnt ready. maybe he got scared and didnt want his past to repeat so hes just gonna throw stuff away whether they are good or bad for him. i dont think he lost interest in you, i just think that he was afraid, was insecure and just honestly didnt want a commitment because he “doesnt want the drama”.

i hope that made some sense and sorry if it was a super long response but this was MY opinion and i always ramble on and on and on and on and .... but again to answer your opening statement “ I need to know I am not stupid” - no. no you werent and from what i read, i dont think you ever were.

#asks #thanks for the ask still ... this was something that needed time to think about so sorry it took a while to respond to