#i hate everything about myself and i just. don't want to exist

[cosmiicfairy]

🗑

#the way that this wedding has made me feel so absolutely awful about myself today lol #i spent 8 hours in a chair getting my hair cut and colored yesterday and all i see when i look at myself #is makeup on a fat pig. #i hate myself so much for what I've let happen to my body. i was doing so good exercising and eating right and now I've gained 30 pounds #back from the 50 i lost and i just #no dresses will fit me. none have arrived despite the 3 separate ones I've ordered #and i feel so dysphoric #all i want to do is take a knife to all the fat and rup it all off. like slicing meat #i want to cut off every part of myself and melt it down into a different body #i hate everything about myself and i just. don't want to exist #self harm // #vent // #self mutilation //

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately. #i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones' #who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry) #and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'( #like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

[singsweetmelodies]

Shipping real people is so gross TF get a life

sending anon hate is so gross TF get a life

#anon #listen babes i have to wake up at 6am on mondays and i am NOT a morning person #so you decided to fuck with exactly the wrong person today #could i just delete this? oh yes and in fact i almost did #i have no need or desire to justify myself to you 🤷‍♂️ #but like i mentioned... i am NOT a morning person. in fact i hate everyone and everything in the mornings #and you've just given me the chance to take it out on you xx #so here goes #the thing about rpf is that it gets a really bad rep but in all honesty it's not *that* different to any other fandom culture #i say this because rpf = real person FICTION. it is inspired by the versions of public figures that we get to see on our screens #(exactly like other fanfic/shipping is about fictional characters portrayed by actors) #in neither case do the characters we are 'shipping' actually exist - and most people are perfectly aware of that #(YOU anon are probably not! but let me tell you this: the versions of celebrities *we* get to see are their public selves and #almost certainly not the same versions as who they are behind closed doors and with no cameras. AND THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT) #it's still a character of sorts who people are taking inspiration from. and as long as it's never brought to the attention of the real #real person in question; then there is absolutely NO harm to it #let people find joy and inspiration wherever they want; anon! #but you probably don't understand either concept ('joy' or 'inspiration') #because your idea of 'fun' is coming into other people's private fandom spaces and attempting to bring them down #like the worst kind of high school bully except that you are even more fucking cowardly because you don't even have the grace to #say anything directly to our faces. nooooo you have to hide behind the anon function because you KNOW what you're doing is wrong #dickhead. #that is all i have to say to you! #hope you have a properly awful Monday anon - as joyless and inspirationless as you evidently are xx

[non-un-topo]

Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.

#my period ended so it ain't that. #maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced- #-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad. #maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'. #like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me- #-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women #or gnc women. #why am i so irritable jfc. #every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.' #and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it. #wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people. #so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes. #how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself #because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world. #how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay. #i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that... #irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............ #no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me. #why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness #or of gender-expansiveness... #i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years. #need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm so desperately bored rn. can't do anything. because all I want to do is think about Dan or Jenkins. but I don't want to let myself do that because then I'll lie down and fall asleep and the day will be over and it'll feel like I didn't do anything.

can't even watch anything. nothing feels right. I'm. so bored. I tried drawing but. nope. head empty.

#.. except for him #which is NOT helping #I hate this feeling #someone stab me please #wanted to paint. it's been a few days. but can't. #baaad bad brain feelings #wish I could just stay in my stupid daydreams forever. it feels so much better there. #which is why I can't let myself go there right now. I can already feel myself going back to just. lying in bed daydreaming all day #like. I just. can't stop it. it's all I care about #i just want to be there #I want to be with them and I can't so everything feels pointless #how do you get over that #it keeps happening again and again even when everything's fine #idk I just feel so lost #existence is pointless #maybe I should become one of those horrible people who don't watch/read/interact with anything fictional #but then what would be left #of me I mean. #not much #ugh I'm insufferable right now #personal

[criscura]

.

#i wish i could have the self confidence to like..... enjoy oc/ships and self insert and shit like that #even dating sims i have to imagine it's someone else entirely #it's not me being snide i just literally could not imagine anyone interesting enough to have a series made about them choosing me #like i just...... can't stand myself so much that having characters like that show interest in me completely shatters the illusion #and when people i know have read things i make and know intimately why i wrote it like that #i don't like it anymore because they can see me in it so I can't see anything else #i think relationships might even be really hard because i cannot explain the extent to which i fucking HATE #*****HATE***** #all past versions of myself #and the idea that other people have seen them and watched me grow...... #just the idea of that of people watching me grow often physically hurts #I'm okay being undone in my own presence #but i think there's a huge part of me that would rather not exist at all if people have to see me half-finished #and you're never finished so like. I'm basically always just opening the door a crack and reaching out. #the idea of a single person knowing everything about me makes me want to #it's so awful i can't conceive it that's miserable that's worse than anything #that's worse than being alone i think #as bad as that hurts i think having one other person know me in and out would be like getting put in DIP from who framed Roger rabbit #if i can't hide i can never ever ever EVER feel safe #man i wish i had even a little bit of self confidence fuck #it's totally gone. there's so much i want to do and then i realize I'm the one who's doing it and i lose interest #i wish i could do anything that I'm fully she completely proud of and not have that be shattered the moment i try to share it #and not have to wait years sometimes to forget the shame and just appreciate the thing..... #i wish i could fully enjoy something without getting hung up on the fact that it was me who made it #and be mortified at the idea that i ever thought it was truly great #gosh this makes no sense I'm just. i haven't had any self esteem for years and it's just not coming back and it's getting to the point #where it's crippling me. like i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want to wake up to start the cycle of disappointing myself again #i try SO FUCKING HARD every single DAY and i always let myself down #and it's been this way for minimum six months but i think closer to a year #i just want to think i can achieve anything anymore

[godshideouscreation]

I'm in so much pain I just want to cry. The few times I had to get up were absolutely agonizing.

#I usually don't cry even when I'm in a lot of pain because I generally always have pain but like #This is a new level of I have fucked something up #It's just really exhausting to feel like I'm never going to get better and I'm always going to be in pain from everything I do #And there's pretty much nothing I can do about it #Even if I go to the hospital I can't take any of the medication they're going to prescribe me (prescription ibuprofen) #I don't even know that I'm going to be able to drive myself to my chiropractor or physical therapy this week #I just want to cry and scream and not exist #thanks i hate it

[daz4i]

i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore

#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth #it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression #hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13 #which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place #at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since #i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it #even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway #i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly #there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt #i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone #and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry #i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig. #nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating #i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could #wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over #nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop #vent #suicide // #negative // #ask to tag #i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that #(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse) #tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐 #sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche

[semercury]

.

#stuff sarah says #everything is so complicated and i dont want to be alive #i dont want to die. i just dont want to be alive. theres a difference #like im fine. i wont do anything about it. just the heavy weight in my chest of wow i wish i didnt exist so bad rn #i hate people looking at me and drawing their own conclusions #and like. nothings happened. but people could start to hate me. they could. out of nowhere #and a lot of them would have a 'good' reason to. bc i dont know the answers #i dont know anything!!! i don't know what the right answer is but things feel off and wrong and i dont like it!!! #leave me alone dont look at me dont ask me my opinion dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me #im gonna go to my dr appt on monday and deal with the stupid mental health quiz and not know the answers #bc like yes i imagine what if i was dead a lot. im fine tho. its a normal thing for me #everybody just wishes they didnt exist. ive yet to meet someone who hasnt #have i lost interest in the things i used to enjoy or am i afraid something bad will happen if i do them? who's to say??? #and unfortunately i cant do the 'can we skip this im in therapy im fine' thing anymore bc im not in therapy anymore #and i get to say no im not finding a new one. you think im gonna open myself up like that to a stranger? #but yeah. i think id be better off if i ran away into the wilderness #ill keep a journal and when i inevitably die to the elements it can be published like that one guy #im so scared of everyone all the time. i dont want people seeing me anymore

[phlyaros]

im gonna be real anon I don't care about label shit ship discourse I care about if real people are getting hurt and ONE reblog from someone being jokingly aggressive on the subject isn't enough to convince me that people are getting hurt when there's more evidence to the contrary. you've put me in a shitty situation here and I don't want to engage with it. please just ask people what they actually think next time before you go throwing your assumptions at other people.

#i trust enough that most of my mutuals understand the nuance needed of media depiction of unsavory subjects. #if i'm wrong then I'm wrong. okay. thank you. #i hate the dichotomy i hate the lack of nuance in this discussion I want people to actually talk to each other #I want people to realize that you can respect people with different opinions than you if they aren't actually hurting anyone #I'm literally. someone who was alone with me a lot as a kid is in prison for CP/solicitation. I think if anyone can say that media- #depiction of fucked up shit that really happens is more nuanced than 'x is bad so it shouldnt exist' #you cant do that in real life. you cant make something not exist. just because something fictional contains it doesnt mean it condones it. #im so tired. im so tired. why wasnt this a dm. i dont really want to have this discussion publicly. #i can think things are gross but understand that there's nuance to depiction and just because I don't like it doesn't mean those people- #-don't deserve to have something that understands them. #not everyone is good at actually. being mature enough to handle that nuance. when they try. people can be wrong #and if people ARE weird I can just not engage with them. there's. I can decide for myself! #and now I'M stuck in my brain is insane and. as if! as if people always reblog things they 100% agree with! #im so tired. im so tired. im in pain and people are messaging me about a singular reblog from six months ago on someone else's blog. #i understand being cautious i really do but thats like insane behavior. why are you putting this on me. why didn't you just talk to me. #fucked up things happen and people deserve to be understood. okay. even if i don't like it. there is no right answer. there is no world- #where all pain can be avoided. saving private ryan made vet suicides skyrocket. did you know that #but it also understood those people. yknow. and there's more people living that it understood too. #there's just so much nuance that's thrown out when you cover everything you don't like with a blanket. okay #it's more complicated. it's more complicated. please. #in my mind it's far stranger to assume everyone is out there giggling and twiddling their fingers thinking about in/cest #than it is to just assume they don't until proven otherwise. #im so tired. just block me if you don't understand where I'm coming from. I don't care about ship disco/urse and i dont want to live- #constantly worried about what other people think about shit that has no right answer. #everyone is innocent until proven guilty and one reblog of a joking aggressive post isnt enough for me. sorry. #phlyaros' nonsense #euurgh. #welcome to the internet where we judge people based on one reblogged joke and nothing else even if it contradicts us #what a perfect encapsulation of what I don't like about dichotomy argument #tw suicide

[feralattentionwhore]

Anyway the world has like a month to fix all my problems before my brain decides to off itself

#i don't know if this is funny #but having to leave them hurts so bad and uts not even getting better #cant exist without thinking about what it was like ehen they were here #and now im alone and it was such an insane shock to go from feeling so happy and safe to remembering that one mistake fucks me up here #and my future is the opposite of safe here #and all i want to do is just say fuck it and move to be with them but i cant and its just killing me #because i should its the only way ill ever get to be with them but im too selfish to do that and i don't think ive hated myself more #but i have all my animals that i cant legally bring over because some arent really mine and others arent traditional pets and it would #make them so so stressed with the trip and all my plants cant come and ive had some for over a decade now and i cant replace them #not to mention all my clothes and sentimental things that i wouldn't be able to bring over #my meds would cost so much over there and i absolutely hate the actual lifestyle in America and all the people #all the laws are fucked and getting worse so its likely id get fucked over one way or another and id probably #lose my citizenship to obe of my countries if i tried to move there #the food sucks and so much of my favourite stuff isnt sold there abd i cant import ut in #and noje of my plants or animals can survive in the climate anyway #so id have to give up absolutely everything #and i cant do it but i hate myself for not being able to #and i miss everything here when im with them and i miss them when im here #and ill resent whatever i side i don't pick and resent myself more #because both options suck and i don't know if i can do this #even going away now means i miss out on the last bits of my animals lives but i cant even cherish it #all i want is them but i cant have it #i don't know how to fix it #i don't think i can #even just the time difference kills me now #cant see them when they wake up cant see them when they get back from work #can't enjoy it when im always leaving something behind #make a shitty choice either way and hope i don't hate myself enough to kill me for it

[neopolitan-noir]

.

#i fucking hate myself tonight #i keep trying to not beat myself up about like...having feelings #but what happened sucks #being alone sucks #and my brain isnfighting me every second I try and just exist #i keep thinking im not WORTH being in anyones life #and i know i have people who care about me my brain is just fucking broken and it doesnt want to believe them #i don't want to feel sick to my stomach anymore when instaty having feelings #I'm so scared #i want to give up i really do #i can finally pick up my new meds today so maybe sleep and those working into my system will help #i need them to so fucking bad #i keep trying to fix myself and i keep getting reminded that its not been enough no matter how much i improve #I'd give almost anything to be normal so that maybe someone could love me without the looming BPD shaped sword of damocles hanging overhead #i feel fucking stupid for even being upset about this #but whatever #sleep then breakfast then meds then just take everything minute to minute one day at a time #i can do this #i can fucking do this

[cheekblush]

need a lobotomy asap <3

#i have a horrible migraine once again #but i know it's self inflicted bc i spent the whole day in bed on my phone... #when i was supposed to be studying 😐 #i hate myself so much #i have a test on tuesday and an exam on thursday and i only have this weekend to properly study and i've just wasted the whole saturday.. #.. just rotting in bed giving myself a migraine #and i know i won't manage to revise everything tomorrow bc it's soooo much... #why do i always do this to myself i truthfully hate myself so much like i have no discipline #but i also just want to rest on the weekend bc the school/work week is already exhausting enough #i feel so stupid complaining about this bc i know people who get so much more done than me + manage to have a social life #and here i am with absolutely no social life and i don't even manage my tasks and chores i'm constantly overwhelmed #simply existing takes up so much of my energy like i am tired all the time idk how other people do this i'm just not made for all this #i have absolutely no energy!!! and i know it's the untreated depression but i just feel like such a lacking person in general #this makes me think of that kafka quote.. #'i could've built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling to life and reason' yeah... that's how i feel all the time #the other day on my commute to school i saw this beautiful sunrise & all i could think about was su*cide like i almost bursted out in tears #like... i am just not meant for this world for this life... i am not well.... #☁️

[supercantaloupe]

i'll be honest i'm looking back on last year and i'm having a very hard time saying it was like. A Good Year or whatever

i feel like anything i did that was really An Accomplishment was either really cringe or too small to be worth anything tbh. and none of my failures were very big either sure but they add up a whole lot more don't they

#lost a great internship lost a concerto competition lost a teacher lost interests lost friends #spent 10 days in [redacted] with 30 people who wanted nothing to do with me #spent a week on a mountain with 60 other oboists and couldn't convince two fucking people to play a trio with me. #what HAVE i done this year. besides buy an instrument. #learned and performed a second role in a show within a week of performance. #i guess that's something but it was a budgetless amateur operetta performed in a church rec room... #if there's any accomplishment in that it really goes to the girl who wrote the thing not me #what else. i mean i guess i did fine as a club treasurer again. but who cares #i got into opera. which. yaay. i guess. i made a couple of new mutuals through that #but i just feel myself drifting further and further away from my existing social circle bc i don't have any normal interests #and i'm losing everything i have in common with them and i try to reach out but it doesn't work out and people hardly reach out to me and #i'm just so tired of being alone and mediocre. #and i fucking hate that i need near-constant reassurance that my existence is worth Anything to Anyone but unfortunately i do. #but i don't get it #i wanna talk about me

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

thinkin about that one kpop tweet that was like "when jaehyun gets a gf i'm not gonna act fake like the rest of y'all and say "i want her 😍" i'm going to kill myself" because they are the most genuine person i've ever heard from on the topic tbh. ik for a fact ppl just act fake when shit like that happens esp when they were super big "i wanna fuck him" fans before that lmao

#or the 'omg they're so cute!!' ppl. being happy for the person i get but don't lie to yourself and everyone else lmao #i say that but maybe they are being genuine and i don't get it because i am never genuine in that situation #in fact the only time i was happy for someone i wanted to fuck who got a gf was hyuna and dawn bc they're perfect for e/o #but i won't lie when i was obsessed w him before the truth got leaked i was really upset about the possibility of them dating 🙄 #simply because i am a dipshit who needs everything to be mine and mine alone and if i express attraction in someone w a gf i get angry #at myself. this i think stems back to my best friend deciding to date my 2 year long crush because she was mad at me and he liked her #and she didn't even like him like that but she would go 'you should be happy for us if you like both of us! why are you so angry?' #even tho she was legit just doing it to MAKE ME ANGRY and then she dumped him a week later after i stopped being mad at her #and tried to be 'genuinely' happy for them #so idk. that was probably the worst thing she could've done to me because i don't think i'll ever get over it and it happened when we were #like. 10 #anyways my point is that i may be a delusional freak but at least i don't lie to myself and everyone else abt it 🤷‍♀️ #unless it was like almost a yr ago when i found out abt jrmas gf and i lied and said i was happy for him LMAO but i had to say that to move #on w/ my life and it didn't even end up working bc here i am writing more text posts about how i haven't moved on and i hate his gf for #existing. welllllll i'm a mean and volatile person and i overindulge myself in other people's business if i become obsessed so i was never #a good person but that's the long and short of it i guess. #i really wish i wasn't so stupid and didn't have to proclivity towards people who will never know who i am and never like me if they did #but i have genuinely only been this way and if u read my life like a book u would be disgusted and perturbed by what u saw #but tou would be drawing parallels about this back to the first fuckin chapter i can tell ya that much #idk ig i was right when i said that this would be the last time and that it's him or nobody for me because i just don't care anymore #i can't believe i've ever been stupid enough to think that i'd end up with someone just bc i was a fan of them #and yet she ended up with him as a fan so. just makes me see red but it's whatever LMAO #if u read all that i implore u to block me if you have any bad vibes bc this is just the kind of person i am and i'm sorry i weird u out #and if ya do. thank u for ur concern and i'm sorry i couldn't have been a kinder or more well adjusted person who was worth talking to... #in the end i guess i am just the obsessive weirdo that i have been since i was 6 #it all just comes down to me not thinking she deserves him. i think if he stayed w kim i would've been fine and gotten over him normally #but he just had to fuck a fan huh #anyways i'll be fine no worries i just need to do hard drugs and die probably

[mntcoronet]

declaring myself the only person who is normal about this one anime (closely followed by the two irl friends who made me watch it, and my mum who watches it with me, but they are not subjected to nearly as much Online stuff as I am so they are inherently more normal about things anyway)

#maggles ramblings #i don't know what ppl on here are like about it and i don't think i want to. i think it will remain one of those things i enjoy by myself #bc like the story is about this one big and fucked up family. but apparently it's only 'family' in the loose sense; #as in; i haven't gotten to any clarification in the anime itself yet but the wiki says it's more a structure of power than actual family #which makes some things in it... Much more tolerable to say the least. but i do not trust literally any fans on here to care about that #i have a very strong inkling that not many ppl would care enough about that distinction anyway and get too into shipping regardless #despite how much ELSE there is to look at; including things i haven't really seen other stuff cover before in this particular way #and like yea ik there's shit in it anyway; not all bad but some is just rather sensitive yknow. but my point IS #that i simply do not trust the wider internet on here with the themes and situations i find so interestingly portrayed in this thing. #my brain kind of conked out near the end and i lost my original point #ahh idk it's tough to explain. i get it though in my head i am so correct about everything #like. it has some Really interesting parts!! two main characters who hate each other bc they think the other has everything they want! #when Actually both are suffering uniquely!! #an older sibling trying to deal with guilt over not protecting the younger one from abuse when they had the chance to - #and the younger one accepting their desire to reconnect; without being forced to forgive them! #characters dealing with not being Wanted; with not being able to help; with feeling like they're causing problems just by existing! #but then you have shit like 'haha this guy says weird things abt the teen characters as a joke lol' #and 'this character is trans? noo you're mistaken they simply dress feminine bc they're too cowardly to present as a guy' #and more. but yea it's. so tough. there are parts i like but i do not want it to be assumed that i also agree with all the weird shit #but i KNOW on here i can't just assume everyone else cares as much abt the shit as i do. #so i think i will just be happier having fun with it with those two irl friends of mine.