#i have a book on bpd as well. i dont think i have bpd myself but some of the interpersonal issues ppl w bpd have are similar to those-

[toastsnaffler]

fun sunday afternoon plans my dbt workbook arrived + I have a lecture on adhd + seasonal affective disorder to watch that I signed up for a while ago. maybe either of those will tell me how to survive this winter without killing myself 👍

#its the same dbt book ive used before but i only had a pdf before.. its much easier to navigate/use a physical copy #some of the techniques did help me to reduce bad coping mechanisms significantly last yr. so worth giving it another shot #i dont rly respond well to therapy unless its self administered bc i cant talk to ppl abt my problems + dont trust what they say anyway #its just easier independently in a written format. theyre my issues i got myself into this shit so i can get myself out of it. or not #wish i could at least exercise today but i think it is a chest infection im coming down with. so im not sure i physically can #its painful enough breathing as is. making some lemon honey ginger tea tho so hopefully thatll help #man. the fucking Misery. i hope i make it through this one. sooner rather than later preferably 👍 #.vent #.diaries #i have a book on bpd as well. i dont think i have bpd myself but some of the interpersonal issues ppl w bpd have are similar to those- #i experience so just curious whether itll have any useful advice for managing emotional instability/insecurity in relationships

[hebimoonlightwrites]

hello there dear! i’m new to tumblr, and i never knew there were such sweet people like you writing wonderful scenarios w/ hypnosis mic characters for everyone! as i was reading through your content, i could tell through your writing that you are very passionate about writing, and you seem like a very kind individual!

i really liked the kind of request that neru-anon requested, i hope its ok if i try this as well! ill try to keep everything brief, as im not a super interesting person to begin with- Σ੧(❛□❛✿)

my name is ryusei, which contains the kanji for flow, 流 and star, 星. i go by she/they (whichever is fine!) and i’m currently 20, and studying music and psychology! im a rather quiet person, but i’ll always be willing to lend an ear if anyone wants to chat/vent! i’m very overprotective in a way thats not too conspicuous, and very loyal to anyone who calls me their friend. in contrast to that, i can hold myself well in a fight, and i’m surprisingly physically strong, but just get tired super quickly… (my stamina is… well… not good) i like smiling, but it’s difficult to express my facial emotions well, so i usually wear a mask in public. i’m an adaptable person, but i get overwhelmed easily, especially when there are too many numbers… i have asd, bpd, and ocd, and there was a point in my teenage years where that severely impacted my social life and academics, so i always like to keep my guard up, but i like to talk a lot so i end up saying too much sometimes-! i have a couple friends, but i’m not a “people person” i guess.

i enjoy listening to a wide range of music and i really love artists like Atarashii Gakko!, 周深 (his voice is so soothing!), (G)I-DLE, Ichiko Aoba, vocaloid, and Hypmic music! you can check them out if you’d like, they’re all very talented musicians/singers!

i’d rather not go into my family affairs too much, as my parents don’t have a healthy relationship with each other which affected my brother and i, so we don’t talk much now. but my younger brother (as chaotic as he may be) is important to me.

i won’t go into my panic attacks too much as i know this topic may be triggering for some people, but they’re usually hard to spot, and people other than me usually can’t tell because of my quietness.

i really like cats! i’d like to own one myself in the future, maybe when i can take care of myself better ヽ(；▽；)ノ i visit cat cafes when i visit japan sometimes, although im not as fluent as a local, its enough for me to book time slots for cat cafes at least!

when i’m in a bad mood, i lash out and break down easily at people, so i have a tendency to self isolate sometimes.

i like… a lot of foods! i don’t like fruit, insects (both in food and in general),and extravagant stuff though… i like coffee with loads of sugar… haha… i dont get drunk easily but im not too fond of alcohol… maybe cocktails but not super bitter stuff. i can withstand smoke but i don’t smoke myself.

i don’t care too much about clothing, but i want to look presentable at least. i do like cute clothes, but i usually go with super minimalistic/vintage clothes.

i like kind people! i strive to be kind myself! i want to be able to mutually help each other with our problems! i have the power to be able to help others, and honestly helping other people is easier than figuring out what to do with my own problems. unconditional love is important to me. i have problems with self confidence, and i’m also pretty hard to read, so someone who could really understand that would be nice. my love language is… physical contact i think? i like hugging and jumping around and stuff, but i dont do that much cause im paranoid about bothering people. i like affection a lot!! i didn’t have a super affectionate family, but i like people who show they care through their actions (and sometimes maybe words?) i would honestly offer everything i have for someone who would genuinely love me, but i doubt even someone in the hypmic cast would be interested… (´；Д；`)

thank you for reading all this stuff hebi! please take care! its a bit late where i am, so i’m going to head to sleep. goodnight hebi! (_ _).｡o○

(sorry for any spelling errors TT)

Writer's corner: Hey, sweetheart! Thank you for requesting for this kind of request! I honestly really like playing Cupid's role, haha!♥ Of course the following is only mu thoughts and headcanons, so don't feel forced to think just like I do, okee~? Also, I don't know who are your favourite characters or if there's any you dislike qwq In case i chose one you don't like, please, text me so I can change him to the "second" or the "third" choice at the bottom of this post, okee? Plus, sweetheart, please let me know if there's any mistake♥ Enjoy~♥

Warnings: nothing~ safe here~

⭐𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐘𝐏𝐌𝐈𝐂 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬/𝐨⭐

⭐Hey, sweetheart! I'm thankful for all the sweet words you told me.. qwq♥ I'm so glad that you do enjoy my writings, as I always try to do my best. My main mission is to bring a smile to people's faces, so I do hope this will bring a smile to yours as well!♥

⭐First of all I wanted to tell you that you seem a nice and amazing person, so there's not really need to be that unconfident, especially when it comes to physical affection! It's true that there are people who are introverted and maybe against PDA (like me, oof..), but as an introverted I can tell that people like you- who likes affection, hugging, smiling- are very appreciated. You can literally cheer people around you up and this is so powerful!♥ As I read your description, I don't hide the fact that I immediately thought about Matenrou and Fling Posse bois; On one hand things about you like studying psychology, being kind of unconfident, dreaming about getting some physical affection, getting easily overwhelmed and getting silent panic attacks really made me think about Matenrou and, in particular, about Doppo somehow..♥ On the other hand things like wearing minimalistic/vintage cute clothes, enjoying music, liking affection and jumping around, being a good listener, liking cats and being actually a trustful and loyal friend made me think about Fling Posse and their friendship, but especially to Gentaro and Ramuda, somehow♥ The fact that you do care a lot about your brother, the fact that you prefer helping others and try your best to be a good person, and especially, though, the fact that you are unconfident or maybe simply do not realize how nice you truly are.. well.. These things really bring me to think that you could kin Doppo- along with Gentaro and Ramuda-, somehow! BUT, we are here to find your other-half, and this isn't surely Doppo, since I do believe he is not that type of man pro to PDA and gets easily flustered.. (but.. who knows? He could get a crush on you~). Plus he's 29, so... ugh.. I know age isn't important in a couple and that love can be for everyone, but we need someone more...! We need someone who would be there for you, who would easily understand you- since you specifically said that you're "hard to be read"- and who's going to love you unconditionally. Someone who would show his affection towards you without any hesitation and problem! Someone who has interests similar to yours maybe.. who does enjoy music a lot, who enjoy food and who's protective of the ones he holds dear! Someone who can understad you fully and maybe even being that good of a partner who'd be able to get the moment when you're silently having a panic attack..

⭐..Okay.. I got my results~

⭐So.. (unless you don't like gambling..).. I feel like Dice would be a perfect first choice! We're literally talking about someone who seems dumb as f##, but it's canon that he has some serious and deep thinking moments, especially when he's alone. He looks dumb, but he's not at all. Just like you, Dice does enjoy music, as he tries to create some using "instruments" like grass or empty cans- even if it's said that he can play piano and violin, oof. Just like you, he does care a lot about his friends and he's even protective of the ones he holds dear. Dice loves his friends unconditionally- even if some could think that he's Gentaro's friend because he owes him money, Dice does actually care about him too. Plus, if he gamble, that means that he has a "not-toxic" relationship with numbers! (jk, Ryusei♥ *hugs*)

⭐So I'm sure that through his energetic and dumb-apparent look, he would be the best of a partner for you! You with your stable-life and him with his risky-life would be the perfect yin and yang. I can already imagine him randomly hugging you or simply poking your face as he notices that your mind is overthinking.. he would get that maybe you're starting to panic silently and would whisper: "Hey... u okay?", with a reassuring smile. After meeting your eyes he would simply open his arms to hug you, especially if he's certain that you need affection. Dice would try his best to cheer you up, especially when he feels like you're having a "no"-day. I can even imagine you both petting stray cats or him visiting you and holding one of your school books like: "Daaaaamn.. how can you even understand all of this?!.. It feels like blabbering!", playing the fool part only to make you chuckle. Even so, he would show how proud he is of you and how much he does really admire you. "How can you be so smart to understand that blabbering?!", Dice would exclaim only to hear your chuckle again. "I.. I like your chuckle, y'know? It's.. cute.."

⭐About the others Fling Posse's and Matenrou's members, well.. ⭐Jakurai: He could be a kind uncle/father to you. Since he's a doctor he could really take care of your "no"-moments, even also hugging you, why not? Plus I'm 100% sure he would be so proud of you for studying psychology! You're going to be one of his work colleague, one of the most amazing one, actually!♥ ⭐Hifumi: Except for those times his fear for women would be evident, he would show his support to you just as much as he does with Doppo! Hifumi is a kind-hearted man so he'd be energetic enough to drive you to be the same and you both would be great friends for sure! After some time, though, I think he would start to learn to "read" you, because he already did it with Doppo~♥ ⭐Doppo: I feel like you could kin him, as I said before. Doppo is the one who paradoxically would tell you stuff like "W-what?! But.. you're amazing, Ryusei! Don't you ever think otherwise. You cannot understand how great you are?!".. I mean.. bruh, you're just like her! But I feel like he would even usually vent in your presence or inviting you to get some coffee together, why not?♥ ⭐Ramuda: Oh... ohhh. Ramuda would be the best at showing his affection towards you, especially now that you're officially a posse~! He would jump around and hug you randomly, but I feel like you would also be there noticing his "no"-moments too♥ ⭐Gentaro: You would have a calm but intellectual relationship with him. Both of you would go to the café, wearing vintage clothes and I feel like Gentaro would appreciate your company, as your dressing style seems similar to his one. He's also a good listener, just like you, so I feel like you could even take a chance to talk to him. He would give you his "honest" advices... oof♥

Top three results:

⭐1- Dice

⭐2- Ramuda

⭐3-Doppo

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

#who would be your s/o #hypnosis microphone #hypnosis mic #hypmic #hypnosis microphone fling posse #hypmic fling posse #hypnosis mic fling posse #hypnosis microphone matenro #hypmic matenro #hypmic matenrou #hypnosis mic matenrou #fling posse #matenrou #doppo kannonzaka #hifumi izanami #jinguji jakurai #ramuda amemura #dice arisugawa #gentaro yumeno

[thecringefailintherye]

pinned post

abt me

hi im charley

any pronouns really

bisexual

genderfluid, i have phases of diff genders irl but on here i really dont mind whatever you call me. she/he/they/anything else. i do not care

my bday is nov 10th!

cymro cymraeg

blog is 13+, if under that then discretion is advised!

im an autistic fat spoonie w bpd

sometimes rb mild nsfw, which i tag

i tag nsfw as already said, common triggers, my own triggers, rpf, and i’ll tag anything you want, just drop an ask!

eventually i'll make a carrd

other blogs

@sapphicsforslightly is a blog for my biggest hyperfix, peter and wendy, as well as general jm barrie

@train-dodge is a blog i made when i was hyperfixating on stephen kings the body, i rarely post there, but its not inactive

@mistarurdd, @seren-a-sbarc, and @cwtceridwen are blogs for a roleplay my friend and i do

biggest hyperfixations (in order)

1910s/20s fashion and culture

les miserables (i have an expansive collection of lm stuff) (special interest)

jm barrie and his books (my other special interest)

the british kids show, rainbow (i think this is a lesser special interest)

the wombles

general puppetry

oliver twist

inside no. 9

mozart especially die zauberflote

the league of gentlemen

the ‘summer of like’ theories

fall out boy

t.A.T.u.

i also have a lot of scattered interests including various britcoms, books, musicals, operas, and a whole ton of puppets and cartoons

dni

basic dni criteria (homo/transphobic, racist, map)

proshippers. but rpf and selfshippers are welcome!

if you know me irl and havent asked to interact

brendon urie supporters, go choke! this goes double for ‘ryden’ shippers. fuck you.

msi fans. i USED to be an msi blog. i despise james euringer

fatphobic pro//ana, ive been used as fatspo so i dont rlly like this community. pro recovery/non fatspo at least ana blogs r free to interact though !! i am fat myself so if thats a trigger for you just filter out any #my face tags

kink blog

have a fun time :)))

#dont rb #pinned post #about me

[marshmallowprotection]

hellohello!!! i would like a matchup, if possible :) i'm aromantic demisexual, so i'd like a queerplatonic or soft romo one if possible!! i get skittish and anxious about overtly romantic gestures and expectations, but stuff like dates and affection/intimacy is fine to mention as a sidenote :3 (just pls dont match me with yoosung! i dont like him)

i'm 22yo, exactly 5'3", have short wavy brown hair and blue eyes. i'm pretty pale because i don't get out much - i have social anxiety and agoraphobia. i ALSO have bpd and ptsd, which i've been recently unpacking. i didn't realize my trauma was as bad as it is until the past few months, unfortunately.

PERSONALITY STUFF! First off, i have terrible issues with knowing what I'm like! Self image issues and all that. I don't think I'm terrible, but I do have somewhat low self esteem and struggle to figure out what to call myself unless someone else calls me a certain trait or whatever. I tend to mirror back whatever energy people throw at me, unless you're my fp, in which case I'm a ride or die who is very stubborn about it. I'm an Aquarius, ESFP (which surprised me because I act a lot more like an introvert! but cognitive functions don't really lie), 2w3 sx/sp. some traits that have been used to describe me by either myself or others: kind, selfless, moody, sensitive, emotional, holds grudges, passionate, curious, casually flirty (with friends), loyal, honest (i'm a terrible liar), infinitely patient, mom friend. my love languages are physical touch and receiving gifts. i like joking that i have the strongest fawn response to man, and am just now really allowing myself to be angry and hurt over my trauma. there's times where i have to lay down and listen to angry music just to vent it all out.

which leads into hobbies! listening to music is one of my primary coping mechanisms and also a hobby, though i tend to stick mostly to bands i know. my fav genres are indie, pop, rock, and sometimes for spice i like breakcore, industrial, emo, punk, country. i also got into lace tatting recently, though i use it more to stim than make anything concrete. i've gotten back into reading and writing recently, though. i actually finished a four book series recently, and i'm very proud of myself :) i haven't actually finished a book in years

regarding partners, i look for someone who is honest and communicative. i want someone that can understand me, or at least who seeks to try to! i took a uquiz a while back that tells you what form your love takes, and i got 'love as being known', and that REALLY is just... absolutely true. i want someone to look at me, REALLY look at me, see all of my darkest sides, and then look me in the eyes afterwards and still love me. (can you tell that i really relate to saeran yet skdhfksjf) OH! i think a note i want to mention is like. the love song i relate closest to my having feelings fr anyone in general is despair by leo :) bodybag by chloe moriondo also fits really well, for a different mood. those two songs blended together prob exemplify my reaction to having feelings for anyone period. i tend to be really cheerful, and just feel A LOT about any partner i have, so i tend to act in a cheerful, passionate, affectionate way in my relationships. i'm still learning proper boundaries, but i try to reign myself in as best i can when it's inappropriate or overstepping, and communicate when needed (even if it takes me a long while to figure out how to word it sometimes bc i'm a massive overthinker)! i know how to cope with my bpd, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the symptoms and such.

a note about relating to saeran actually, my fav of all of the forms he's taken is actually suit saeran! idk, i relate to him way too much ^^; i'm also a very angry person who holds strong grudges and can be vindictive, i just hide it really well since i don't want to get into any trouble (i'm kind even when i really don't want to be! it can get annoying sometimes because i don't LIKE being a people-pleaser, but man do i hate people being angry at me even more). i can also relate to ray, but i like ignoring that even though i also adore him to bits! it feels a bit too vulnerable sometimes, to do that. which somehow makes me sound even more like suit skdjfhskjdh

ANYWAYS I'M DONE TRAUMADUMPING IN HERE /J all of this came out way more moody(???? idk what word to use here) than i meant but well. shrug emoji. it's been the mood as of late. thank you for reading all of this and for whatever answer you give btw!!!

I match you with...

Jumin!

Would you believe that people who found comfort in communication and understanding often skew the more toward Jumin and Saeran in their character rankings? Well, my friend, you value honesty in a way that one those who seek to talk deep into the night with others can see.

You're a do-er, a giver, someone who wants to make sure that a lot of people are taken care of, but sometimes you go overboard and forget to tell yourself that what matters the most is taking care of your needs first, and everyone else comes after that. You need to be comfortable to take care of others! That's how it goes, and you need someone who not only balances you with their personality but their wish to bloom.

It goes without saying that you bring out the best in him and he brings out the best in you. He stops trying to hold himself back and he starts thinking about how to have fun without thinking about how it may appear to other people. He can laugh, and finally be himself, and isn't that the most beautiful thing in the world?

You make people feel so comfortable that they finally have the opportunity to shine. Jumin's eyes sparkle when you humor him every step of the way when he talks for hours about magic! It's the same for him when he gets to see you laugh for the first time, gushing about something that makes you feel good in a way that nobody's ever seen before. It might seem strange to have a bond with him such as this when he seems like a man who is dominated by desire, but more than anything, he wants someone in his life who understands him deeply, and you fit that bill.

#ask #anon #mod kait #matchup

[magicalslug]

Vent, do not read.

It's not fair i was perfectly happy prior to all This and now i am in my room having a manic episode that wants me to say out loud "I'LL KILL MYSELF I'LL KILL MYSELF I'LL KILL MYSELF" when i know DAMN RIGHT that's an empty threat AND a sign something is causing me emotional pain!!! But it won't get solved by saying out loud such a horrible thing i don't mean!!!!

I hate you bpd!!! I hate you!!!! Why do you always make me feel lonely and empty!!!!!! Lonely and empty!!!! It's not my fault i get anxiety constantly, thinking of the ways i am not loved!!! Fuck off!!!!!!

It shouldn't be a big deal, why are YOU making it a big deal?!?!?!

...i know im like this because my birthday is coming up and i know. I know it won't be special.

It'll be special to me of course, i am glad to have one more year under my belt, im glad to be alive.

But i don't want anyone else to acknowledge that. Because i know they dont care.

I mean, they do in a casual way of "oh hey congrats!" But they dont really care im alive one more year, not enough to celebrate with me.

Ugh what i just wrote makes no sense, let me try and put my real problem with it like this:

My birthday is of course, special to me.

But. I don't trust anyone else to find it special as well, and it doesn't sit well with me when other people try and congratulate me or celebrate it for me.

That type of thing feels false. I know you don't mean it, i know you're not really happy for me, so please don't bring it up.

There's only like 3-5 friends that i trust at least mean it, they will truly be happy for me.

But the rest i know are Casual Friends who will celebrate or acknowledge it out of an obligation and i don't want that.

I'm terrified of that, it makes me feel gross.

If you don't like me say it to my face. Be true with me, say you don't care for me and let's end it there.

God.

But see that's the problem.

I'm...

I'm far too paranoid for my own good. Normal people don't have a complex about their birthday.

Normal people have a family to celebrate it with. Friends. Lovers. Family mostly.

I don't have any of that (liar!! You have friends!!)

I don't. I don't have friends that can and want to celebrate it with me. Those that do are far away/busy that day so when the next bday comes i will be trapped on my job and on my own.

That's fine.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Last birthday was nice. Friends celebrated with me in the office. I got a book as a gift. We had cake. It was nice.

It's a nice memory.

But this time i want to be on my own like a sad animal that's been wounded and wants to hide to lick their wounds.

My bday this year made me sad because even though I'm happy to be alive, it makes me incredibly sad that i don't have someone to celebrate it with. Someone that cares. Someone that cares about me.

It's childish. I'm so childish.

Yesterday i started rereading that johnmerle fic and i had to stop after the first chapter because it hit too close to my life. It always did, but now that i am a working man it felt even more real. And it broke my heart.

Because love is real! Love is real and it will always be real regardless of if i experience it or not!!!! But.

Well i yearn. And i can't help pining for a life that's shared with someone that cares about me, but most importantly, someone I care about.

In any case, lately I've been crying a lot because i feel so alone and i know for a fact it's a BPD THING (literally a symptom!! This is not news!!! It's in fact one of the only ways i get to confirm for myself IT IS BPD!!!) But i am still hurt.

I have friends!!!!! I love my friends!!!!!

Why do i still feel so fucking lonely!!!!!!!!!!

Why do i feel like no one cares!!!!!

Why can't i help but imagine a world where I'm gone and nothing changes!! (Augh, because it's true! Remember! You're not the protagonist of the world! Just of your own life!)

Sigh, that's true.

So calm down. Don't cry over that.

Remember that the universe is uncaring, but there's people that care.

(Where are they?)

Well they're your friends. They would help you if they could, right?

...

You don't know.

I don't know.

The problem is that i inherently believe no one could possibly care about me because i am Me.

Forever trapped in a glass box no one cares to pry open.

It's a bpd thing, feeling that way.

I know. Doesn't make it easier to deal with.

I can't help it. I don't even know what i want.

Of course i do. I want someone who loves me just as much as i love them.

I want to be hugged. I want to be listened to. I want someone i can share my art with.

I want someone that sees me. I want someone that wants to know me.

I want someone that just wants more of me.

I want someone that doesn't make me afraid or ashamed.

Doesn't everyone want that?

To be loved? Cared for? Yearned for?

It's a bpd thing, to never be satisfied. To have this black hole in your chest. All consuming, never ending.

No matter how much love you get, it'll never be enough.

And to that i say: that's not fair! Because I've never been loved in a way I've wanted. Romantically! I've had boyfriends but they weren't a good relationship, or a stable one.

I want a lover! A beloved! And i want them to be perfect for me, not necessarily a perfect person!

Is that so much to ask?

...

...i know the answer is yes, but that's what's so cruel.

I will never find someone. I will never find someone. And i should make peace with that.

But it hurts me each time i realize how fucking unlovable i am by modern standards.

I'm poor and boring and """ugly""" so what do i have left?

Nothing. I have nothing to offer the world.

So why am i here?

Why am i here?

...

...

I just want to go home to my cats.

But i can never go home, there's not a home to go back to.

I want to go home.

I want a home, a place i can call my own and have it be my safe heaven.

Ah... ah so much yearning in just one body.

Love is real, i know this, so why can't I feel love around me?

It's ridiculous. I KNOW IT'S BECAUSE OF THE BPD IT LITERALLY IS AND I KNOW THIS and it still hurts. So much.

I love my friends, so much. But from my perspective it'll always feel like I'm nothing to them.

And it's because i was born with a black hole in my chest. I'm sorry.

I never asked to be so fundamentally broken in invisible ways that only become obvious when i start to inconvenience others.

A delight to have in class.

Silent and dutiful.

What a delightful child i was.

Too quiet for my own good.

You do know love is real right?

I know.

Just be patient.

Not all days will be good days.

Today wasn't a good day, but tomorrow will be better!

What makes you feel so sure?

Well, we've been here before haven't we?

I guess. We've had manic and sad moments like this many times.

And we always come out of them, and we always push onwards, and we always feel better afterwards.

Life is good, you know this.

I guess.

It's just the heartache which makes it difficult to think properly. It's emotional pain that's physical!! That's why it feels so bad!! But we'll get through this together, alright my love?

We have many things to look forward to! So many things! We have travels to make now that we'll soon be free to do so!

As soon as we get that sweet visa, we'll visit friends!! We'll go to greece!! You want to visit greece so badly, isn't it?

I wanna see those clear blue waters. I want to feel the sun on my skin. I want to dance on the beach. I want to feel like i can experience true love there.

Good!! Good! These are the travels that matter!!!

You matter! Ok? So don't cry anymore. Oh my beloved, you've always had such a fragile heart.

It's okay, i won't judge. I don't judge because i love you. I love you so much.

I'm tired, can we have a nap?

Of course we can. Anything you want, I'll make it happen.

I love you.

I love you, my dearly beloved. So much.

[xdamngina]

its hard being with me. thats not something new. Claudia helped alot. She calls me out on my shit. “i think you need therapy because i believe you have BPD. You get mad really fast and then 5 minutes later you are not mad anymore” 

I took a test for BPD and I was 97.6% Positive. ya girl has Borderline personality disorder. Now i have to see a therapist because at my age, its no longer curable, just manageable. 

But trying to live day by day, where I attempt not to kill myself or everyone around me is so stressful. Or basically flipping the switch on claudia Because shes so patient and kind. I broke up with claudia more times than i can count and she stayed though it all. Shes just like "its not you, youre just mad, its in your head. You have a chemical unbalance in your brain" and well just trying things that make me feel better. Like reading books, nature walks, sleeping with bella and ezra. Happy shit. And then i lose the car keys and all hell breaks loose. im about to burn this whole house down. i hate it here!. lol jk. i try. Im trying. Cheers to therapy 2023.

Also i got 97% because i dont hate myself or think im ugly basically. Which is true. I think im cute 98% of the time.

[sw4tch]

Journaling time

Today i had a bad day. Let's call it what it is.

Basically, i realized once more that my roomates don't really like me. As a friend.

Maybe i deserve it for being this kind of weird freak that is. Too out of touch with society i guess. Dunno how to explain. I'm just closed off i guess, even if i try to be as friendly as i can.

Anyway. I realized that my newer group of office friends do not like me either. As a friend.

I am. But a mere obstacle in their way of weird romantic triangles i hadn't even noticed like 2 months in. For some reason this bummed me out so much.

Like. I guess being an annoyance to every single group of friends is my greatest fear so, u can see how this affected me, realizing that all of my irl friends in the office don't really Like me as a person or a friend.

And i wanted to cry so much.

Bcus of the BPD of course, because genuinely the problem is so small.

People exclude me from their fun gossip, and i shouldn't care but i do. And it makes me realize people must consider me a bore and an annoying shit for them to exclude me.

And it hurt me.

It hurt me.

I went to buy boba after work. I thought it would make me a little happier. I bought a book, the metamorphosis by kafta, bcus for some reason i think only he could understand my deep sadness.

These were impulse purchases.

I think everyone hates me.

And i hate it.

I have no one to share this anguish with because i made sure to cultivate zero friendships that would allow me to vent.

Caught u in a lie. Our friend, we have our friend, which we have vented to several times.

But she doesn't count right now. We were supposed to have a call today but she cancelled on me and now. Well ngl it's not her fault, but it made me feel even more abandoned today. Unfortunate timing i guess.

Anyway. I want to cry but that makes me so angry.

I hate MY BPD!!!!! I DONT WANT THESE BIG EMOTIONS ANYMORE!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT THEM!!!!!! I SHOULD BE NORMAL!!!! I SHOULD BE MORE NORMAL!!!!!!

I can't reach out to anyone now. I made sure to cultivate that kind of friendships. Were i believe I'm a nuisance and never share these kind of things, so now if i were to bring it up, they'd think im a pathetic weirdo.

And also. I don't want to be hated even more. At least if i make myself as palatable as possible, then. Then people might still like this sweet version of me that is trying hard not to rip itself to shreds.

But I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Of feeling like my friends hate me. Of treating me like a nuisance. Even though I've tried to be nice and happy and encouraging, in the end none of that mattered because they still ended up finding me like a stupid annoyance they all wanted to exclude.

Why even talk to snaily when they're a boring fuck.

I'm crying now!!!!! Congrats dumb fuck!!!!! You talked to yourself with such mean intent that you cried!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck.

I was doing better. I was doing better. I was being nicer.

If the world hates me so what.

So what.

So what. I don't need anyone else.

I don't need anyone, I've made sure of that. I am alone in the world and that's how it'll always be.

I'm crying.

I hate my bpd.

I hate these emotions i can't fucking control.

Is that so bad? To want to be included? To want love and attention and people to worship me?

It's bad.

Why would you want people to worship you.

Because at least I'd know they care for me in some way.

The dating isn't going well either.

The cute girl I'm supposed to go out with this weekend hates me too.

She doesn't ask how my day goes. She just talks about herself all the time. Even though I'm always trying to coax conversation out of her, she never actually asks me about me. She doesn't care. Why would she? She doesn't know me. I'm a nuisance. I hate myself.

I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely.

I wish i could just. Vent. To people.

I realized that's what i want. To vent to a person and have them console me in real time.

But u know what? If i allowed that to happen, then I'd just vent all the time.

All the time.

I'd unpack my misery onto people. I would force them to console me all the time. Because I've been starved of comfort for so long, I'd become addicted to the attention.

I know.

It would happen.

Because history repeats itself for a dumbfuck with bpd that is so love starved both then and now.

But that would destroy any healthy relationships I've cultivated.

I can't let that happen. Not again. That's why I've closed myself.

I am too much.

I'll always be too much for anyone.

Because i have bpd. And im broken and starved. So starved.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You're aware of the problem. That's good.

It's okay. It's okay okay. You just had a bad day.

It happens. It happens. Being cruel will only hurt us. You.

Nothing fills the void. Nothing.

I know. I know. It hurts. I'm sorry about that. But we can manage this. We always find a way to manage this, yes?

I read this and i cry even more.

Then don't read back what you already wrote.

Just. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

This is the part where you're sweet to me.

That's right.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm the one that loves you the most in the world. You're my most special beloved in this whole entire universe. Why do you think I'm so obsessed with you?

Because i adore everything you do, my darling, my dearest, my sweetest little bee.

Pfft. That sounds so stupid.

It made you smile, did it not?

Dummy. Dummy. Dummy.

Breathe. It's okay, breathe.

I'm still sad, you know? Yes, yes. It's understandable. Today was a lot. A lot happening.

Breathe.

I'll walk you through this okay?

You'll go to the bathroom, then wash your face, then come back. Clear mind okay? Okay. Okay.

I forgot to wash my face. I was thinking too much.

It's okay, it happens. Do you feel a little better at least?

A little, just a little.

Enough for me.

Okay, the next step is watch something. Turn off your brain for the day. I know u wanted to work on that animatic, and u might still have time for that later, but, pls rest.

Watch a series, not just a yt video. A series will force u to put attention.

Also sorry, it can't be moon knight. It's not time yet.

Watch something that makes you laugh! A comedy so you can forget your sadness of the day! That's what the doctor ordered!

Okay?

Okay. Sounds like a plan at least. I'm a bit sleepy though.

You can watch while in bed. Maybe treat yourself to something more lemony if you want, I'm not the boss of you.

I'd like the comedy more though. To turn off my brain and pass out. Pass out.

I hope i dream about oscar isaac again. But this time, hopefully, i get to talk to him more.

Dream bigger!!!! You can do anything in a dream!!!

Yeah!!!!!! Fuck my shyness that prevails even in dreams!!!!! I'm gonna fuck that old man!!!!!!!!!!

Hell yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG DREAMS BABEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE U SNAILY!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU MY BELOVED, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! I'M GLAD I COULD MAKE U SMILE A LITTLE!!!!!!!!! I LOVE UR SMILE!!!!!!!!!

It means the world to me!!!!!!

I love you!!! My dearest!!! My beloved!!!! My darling!!!! The Prettiest Boy in the world!!!!!! My silliest little kitty!!!!!!!!!

Pfft!!!! Dummy!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!

#snaily blabber

[queerautism]

(before reading i would like to say i accidentally talked too much and it accidentally became possibly a vent??? no matter what u get a cookie for 0 reason but bc i said so. if u want to u can just delete the ask and not even look at it or whatever. i would prefer if you didnt post this ask itself and if u respond to it do it in a separate post. Edit later: I was going to ask a question relating to all this but I forgot it and honestly im not going to just delete all of this which is a lot. my stance on the “dont post this” has changed and it would be ok just add any tags u think are needed??)

sorry about this really long message /gen i just never talk to anyone about this and got a little too deep into talking about it all.

no clue if this can be answered but i have NO clue who to talk about this to (if you know anyone who could answer this better please direct me to them!!). back when i was younger, i had an emotional attachment to my (not legally back then) adopted siblings. they were related to me by blood, as cousins and their mom had just given them to us randomly and we decided to take them in. i loved them so much. and she took them away from us, just to put them up in another home and another and eventually they ended up in the foster care system and she went to jail.

now, i was in an awful state during this time where they weren’t with me. before then, my mental health had been pretty good, no meltdowns/tantrums/etc and anger issues weren’t a problem. but when they were taken, i got worse and worse pretty fast. Everything started going downhill and I would always be getting in trouble at school, at least one problem every week if not more. This was around maybe second or third grade? Not sure.

Started getting attached to books and minecraft youtubers to try and help this all out, but all that happened was just an obsession for the rest of my life and nothing else. All my anxiety & stress and whatever else were a cause of this experience but I never even think about this anymore and it doesn’t make me feel much looking back (besides misery and wanting to cry about something that isnt even a problem anymore), i just wish i could tell my past self they would come back.

They’re back with us and have been legally adopted for maybe 2 years now? I don’t remember. My anger issues are getting easier to handle, but I still snap at people sometimes and some people have assumed I have BPD, which I’m pretty sure I don’t have. Even my cousin thinks I have BPD.

During this time, I had been in a girl scouts group that my mom made and everyone in the group had left us because I was (and i quote, paraphrased but i remember this well) “weird and different” and because of my anger issues. Which back then, I had no diagnosis’s for anything and now looking back it’s an even worse memory since turns out I’m ND. Oh and I also sleep deprived myself when my siblings were gone and now i have insomniiiaaa

again sorry for the really long ask, have a good day and I dont know how to end this since I accidentally just vented to someone who doesnt even know me sorry :(

It's really okay. There's nothing weird about you. You were in a shitty situation where you had no control, and changes like this during formative years can have a big effect. It can absolutely be traumatic.

I'd say it might be a good idea to look into emotional regulation issues, and maybe CPTSD, which has a lot of traits in common with BPD. You might want to look at DBT therapy, there's workbooks you can do yourself and I've found them really helpful

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

[kururuyakku]

little update on myself

hey guys, i never thought id post this here ever again but. hey. i want to give an update on myself since once in a while i get DMs asking what happened and ive updated on my twitter but not here. its under a read more because theres... few triggers.

first if you have question here’s a rundown

so, shit happened. thats the simple way to add it. on what happened on tumblr i wont go into it again because it was honestly so fucking stupid, but here’s the rundown: no, i dont ship pedophilia. i was AGAINST the ship, but someone cropped a comment where someone was wrongly explaining the ship to me, and people jumped at my throat from it. i never shipped it and spoke against the ship. no im not a terf for not wanting to have sex with someone, and sending me rape threats about it and shaming me for it is just rape culture, and it was disgusting of those who did it. shame on you. i’m not white, and all those racist ass anons y’all sent won’t change it. yes, I have black alters, i have alters of different races, and when I provided MANY legit sources yall just said ‘’im not reading that’’, as well as completely ignoring other people with DID who tried to explain. so that was straight up ableism. again, shame on you. (also this post from my friend that explains well too)

now, outside of these things, more shit still happened which im not proud of. but these things won’t be any more public than it has already been, because honestly, it’s nobody’s business but those involved and I already made a mistake by publicly attacking the person involved. so it’s all i’ll say on the matter because again, nobody’s business but those involved and i don’t want to turn my life into a reality TV more than it already became.

my friends and i, now for years, have been accused of pedophilia, grooming, and being predators. Now, yes, some of us/my friends have done wrong things, and we’ve/they’ve apologized for it, but pedophilia and grooming was not part of it. They have NO PROOF PROVIDED, their story never follow each others, and some claimed to be victims despite never having been in direct contact with my friends at all. we have a whole document that we spent weeks making in our defense with visual proof and statements from witnesses.

my abusive, compulsive liar, two-faced, cheating asshole of an ex is now spreading this mess and calling me a predator, and a danger to minor, and completely ruined my dream of wanting to write a children’s book, all because I defended people wrongly accused of pedophilia. I got trauma from the whole thing, even developed two new alters, went back into therapy, because I was harassed so badly from it, got many death threats every day, rape threats, said im a danger to my niece and my nephew, and was stalked and harassed on every platforms. i couldn’t hide, they would find them. we couldn’t block, they would message us on other accounts and tell us to die.

enough is enough. we went through self-harm and suicide attempts because of this shit. went to the hospital. brought to the cops and we’re heavily talking of a lawsuit, but we’re waiting until our friend is mentally stable enough and recovers properly. i truly, genuinely cannot do this shit anymore. im tired of being followed everywhere and having everything i do being watched, tired of crying when i think of my sister’s children, tired of my life being ruined over false accusations.

i know im not the best person in the world. i know ive done some mistake, but im owning up to them. im trying to be better every single day and im just trying to survive another night. but these days, internet culture is just too toxic for me as i battle through the revival of my BPD and crippling depression. 

so, please, leave me alone. leave us alone. we’re tired, and i cant bear seeing my friends go through another suicide attempt or, god fucking forbids, make it work. we’re tired. we just want to draw and have fun. stop with the goddamn harassments, stop calling us predators, stop the witchhunting that goes through social medias. leave us alone. im so fucking tired of fighting back.

ive suffered through rape threats, death threats and massive stalking that gave me massive trauma and caused two new alters. im terrified just posting this but i need to. im scared just commenting on my mom’s post on facebook because what if someone finds me there. im shaking when i hit ‘post’ when i try to be brave just a little and post my art to try and get back out there despite my name being dragged through the mud. im scared whenever i have a notification somewhere. i want to be okay again. 

if youve read this, thank you. if youre a friend of mine, and youve stuck with me through this entire mess, thank you even more. maybe one day i’ll be okay enough to be out there again without being terrified for my life.

[lifeasabpdmum-blog]

Borderline Personality Disorder, Is commonly the most misunderstood illness. 

I think, If you asked my friends what BPD was, they probably would not have a damn clue.  As I am writing this right now, I am Manic. Which i dont often encounter, well I get happy but, Manic? not as often. When i am Manic, I am unstoppable. Something that comes with having borderline Personality Disorder is attachment. We become attached so heavily to people, that we can spend all day thinking about this person, We want to be around them all the time, Attachment is very hard, Usually we become attached to figures that look after us, a care giving, or a position of authority. example Teachers, Doctors, Therapists. Your days can revolve around them,  And you can wait all day to speak to them, And if they have the slightest change in tone, It can ruin your whole day, Because you feel like they hate you. 

I’ll use when I was in the psych ward for example, I got so attached to one of the woman in the ward with me, I called her my psych unit mum, We got so close and would spend hours chatting and just spending time together, Before I got the privilege to have the rights to go outside for a cigarette, When she would go outside for a cigarette, I would become absolutely distraught, I just could not cope, without her while she as outside. 

a few days later I was granted the rights to go outside and have a smoke with her, I was over the moon. The day after I was able to go outside and smoke with her, The hospital released her, I was an absolute wreck I locked myself in my bedroom, And refused to come out for hours I just lied in my bed and cried, I have not seen her since she left, And even though I thought I could just die without her, by the next day I had calmed down and was okay again, Yes, sure I missed her, but I didn't feel like I would die without her anymore. 

Often having BPD is like watching someone else destroy your life! 

Okay so let me start this off by how I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.. 

I was in a little psych unit called the Mother Baby Unit, Which is a unit where you go when you have Post Natal Depression, I was there for 2 or 3 weeks, and progressively got worse over my stay there, by the end I was threatening to run out in front of a truck, It was an unlocked ward so potentially i could have done that, But the nurses would not let me leave. So because they would not let me leave I locked myself in the bathroom I did not really know what I was going to do, But I knew I wanted to die, I said to them that if they would not let me go home, the only way I would be leaving was in a pine box, They took all my belongings and hid them, They monitored me for a few hours, But it felt like forever. 

They got the Head of the Psych unit and a security guard, to escort me to the adult psych ward, where for the first night I had a nurse by my side every second because I was on suicide watch. Once I saw the Therapist and he said changed me from involuntary to voluntary, I was taken off suicide watch, However, I still was not allowed to go for a cigarette. Anyway I was in there for 3 weeks, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And put on Seroquel. 

So many people hate this drug, But It saved my life. I took it and by that week I went from extremely depressed to the most Manic I have ever been. 

But in saying that Since I started taking it I dont know, Whats me or whats the drug.  

I feel like sometimes It is so hard to parent because My son, doesn't understand why my emotions are so excessive  and they change quickly, Sometimes he thinks hes a bad child because my illness gets the better of me, Which is untrue, he is an amazing kid, Having this illness I think has ruined me being a great mother. Because of my emotions. 

I feel like most days are hard because I feel to overwhelmed with life that, I can’t take my son to the park, Because out doors are scary. So we sit inside all day watching kids shows or movies.  And although watching kids movies is fun, thats no way to live daily.

Days get hard. And I’m trying to take my son out and go for play dates. And push through my anxieties. So I guess parenting with borderline personality disorder would be the hardest thing I ever have done in my life. I wouldn’t change it for the life of me though. Because yes it’s hard, yes it’s a struggle, but I am who I am because of it!

“Borderline personality disorder is a type of personality disorder. Symptoms of BPD include not having a sense of who you are, worrying about abandonment, quick mood changes and feeling very intense emotions.”

“Borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a serious mental illness that causes the inability to manage emotions effectively.

The disorder makes a person experience very intense emotions, and can affect relationships.”

I can’t cope with a lot of things that I want to be able to cope with.

As he is quite little it’s hard to explain whats happening in ways he can understand. When I started this blog, I was extremely manic, as I write this part now I’m extremely low and suicidal.

I want to be a good parent, i want to go seek medical help, increase my meds or something, are there such things as BPD parenting classes? Because I feel like I need a lesson in parenting. I thought writing this blog post would be easy, but it hasn’t been, because parenting with BPD is hard and I don’t know how to put it into words. I really hope my son knows that behind mummy’s “scary” that I’m trying to do absolutely everything to be as normal I can be for him.

I have a few triggers. That probably would make things easier if I learnt to stay away from. Which I’m trying to do, I’m scared to leave the house, when I try to do that, I get so scared and want to hide. I don’t want to teach my son that outside is a scary place. I have ordered a book online that goes through worksheets to do for people with borderline personality disorder. Which I hope will help.

If anyone has any tips on how to parent please add some tips cause this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.. and I’m scared

#bpd problems #bpd feels #actually bpd

[flying-elliska]

hi ellie! first of all, you're amazing. i mean seriously, i love your breathtaking writing, i love your essays about just ANYTHING, i love the way you're thinking and see things, it often makes me reconsider something or think about some things i havent thought about before. i love learning something important that way, i guess. honestly, thank you 3000 for that. yeah, i dont know you but there's something telling me i somehow can FEEL you and your incredible personality (1)

you’re also so open about mi and your struggles, I think I learn from you not only about general things but also about myself and understand myself better. im almost 100% sure I have an undiagnosed adhd and decided to go to therapist, I think it’s skamfr s3 in general, eliott character, your fic (and the way you portray eliott and his bpd struggles) and you personally helped me with that a lot, now im looking for my options (2)

and you know, you kinda inspired me to learn dutch (haha I just have a soft spot for germanic languages I think), so would you please recommend me some dutch stuff? I mean it can be anything, tv shows, movies, some music, anything you like? sorry for the rambling, just wanted to let you know that I love you, you’re incredible! 

thank you anon, that’s adorable !  you’re so sweet ! I’m so happy to hear that, that’s such encouraging feedback. it’s pretty recent for me to be open about this stuff as well, and yeah, skamfr and eliott were such an inspiration. i love that it’s having so many ripples. and it’s telling me that being open is worth it, because it’s not always easy. 

about the adhd : i’m glad to hear that you’re taking those steps for yourself. It’s often complicated to figure that shit out esp when you’re not a young boy, because that’s the stereotype. Adhd is actually hella underdiagnosed in everyone else, esp adult women (i don’t know where you fall but I assume you’re not a 7-yr old boy lmao). it’s also really badly named, because it’s about much more than having trouble focusing, it affects your emotional regulation, your self esteem, your social life, your sensory experiences, your ability to just do things.  It’s a pain but it also has lot of cool aspects : being creative, compassionate, passionate, innovative, etc. You just have to find a way to tap into it. And honestly it’s one of these things where therapy/medications can really, really change your life in a radical way. It’s one of the diagnoses with the highest rates of positive change. My advice tho would be to make your own opinion as well and to look for a therapist that has experience with dealing with adhd because more ‘general’ therapists might not know what they’re doing and kind of give you pointers that are not going to work for you. and be ready to do your homework, because in the end you will be finding the solutions that work for you. personally I profited a lot from going on #adhdtwitter, there’s a lot of cool folks talking about their challenges and how they solve them. Also on youtube, the “How to ADHD” channel helped me a lot. 

for the dutch thing, the typical dutch answer would be “why would you do that to yourself” lol BUT i am not and I think it’s a super nice language and i think it’s amazing if you want to learn more. Now, disclaimer, I am not super plugged in into Dutch culture. OF COURSE i would start by recommending that you watch Skam NL. If you haven’t already. Now maybe you’re tired of watching s1 again, but to me, it’s the best one yet, and I’m including OG in that. The girl squad is so soft, Isa is amazing, and it gives me this feeling that they really get female friendships more than any other so far. It’s just very warm and fuzzy and the aesthetics are on point. (and they need more views to be renewed so we can get Lucas VDH’s season, he is such a cool Isak, stylish and even more snakey, it’s what he deserves). Then in terms of books, I’m going to recommend those I personally used to develop my Dutch when I was a teen growing up in France and not having a lot of occasions to practice - there are a lot of actually really fun teen/kids/young adult writers who write spooky stories. My favorite has to be the Griezelbus series by Paul van Loon. Now it sounds silly, but that series was so formative in my development as a writer. It starts with kids going on an event tour with a writer on a bus who tells them scary stories, but each story gives them a clue that something deeper is going on. And the scary stories are just so raw and visceral and deep and sometimes horrible and sometimes kind of poetic ? i remember that one about the principal of a school having a chair that eats kids, but ends up eating him ? or that one about a teddy bear doctor that puts real hearts in the teddies ? damn that shit was hardcore lol. It’s a bit dated, but the level of language is pretty accessible. It’s a bit like the Goosebump series, but more meaningful. Dutch movies/tv are sadly not very good lol. And I don’t really know any books. Sigh. I was planning to work on that actually ahahahahah. Might come back to you about that later lol. 

anyway good luck with everything, and thanks for reaching out

#adhd #advice #anon asks #dutch

[k-s-m-o-blog]

30 Day Cleanse

So with me starting DPT I am fully retraining my mind to think positive thoughts, contemplate uplifting behaviors, and making healthy coping skill changes because the ones I have dont seem to be working in my favor. I thought i had no coping skills and told my therapist so. She corrected me quickly saying "no you have coping skills chelcie. They are just horribly negative ones."

So as my cleanse will go on i will do daily things to learn new coping skills, life skills, and I will eventually make these changes into daily habits. 30 days is just the start. Ive decided to keep off social media such as Facebook and Twitter because reading things online can effect my day. Say someone bashes addiction and I get mad about it. That effects me. Say someone is struggling and posts something that triggers me and I go into obsessive thinking mode. That effects me. It could be as simple as one of my friends who i havent spoken to in a while comments on someone else's post but doesnt return my messages. My mind goes to " i must not be 'cool' enough to be their friend anymore." Or i could see someone post a general post about thinking someone is annoying or an asshole and my mind thinks " im so special and important they MUST be talking about me!" Which im just not that important not everyone is posting or thinking about me. Or even say they were talking about someone else and I know who they are talking about. That persons opinion on whoever they are posting about taints my perspective of that person even if I dont know them. I end up thinking someone i know nothing about is a bitch or a hoe because of what someone else thinks of them and im learning not to judge people on other peoples account of them.

Im also going to stay in my own lane and stop trying to save everyone else because it only hurts me. Im such a care taker of others i forget to tend to my own needs. I also allow what i think someone else is doing corrupt how I feel when i have no actual idea of that persons intent. My BPD seems to take over in a lot of ways like this.

My routine is simple. Ill start my AA program over with a new sponsor, a new big book, and a new perspective of what id like my life to be and stop thinking about what i want in life and simply go get it instead.

Taking on each day with daily affirmations to myself, attending one aa meeting on the same day every week, going to church every weekend, writing and keeping notes of my daily life, listening to aa speakers online as well as Joel Osteen, and self help books on audiable.

On the physical side i will be doing a 30 day workout plan and dieting healthy to bring more self confidence to myself. I also have a therapist and 2 counselors (one for psych the other for substance abuse) come to my house to meet with me. I have 6 meetings a month between all of them together not including AA.

Along the way i am cutting out people i find I dont need around at this point in my life and keeping up with my family more. I will do more outings with my children. Hopefully can manage with money more to go to story land and the aquarium. And also i will be away from my relationship strains as William works on himself in an inpatient program for court. I will wake up each morning and end each night without the person i depend on the most for companionship... And i should hope to learn independence and to have faith in God that i will never truly be alone for i have God and my beautiful children.

Ive chosen only to use Tumblr for journaling my journey and for no use of entertainment. I won't be posting or searching for things. My focus is on myself and my pessimistic way of life being turned around for the better.

I start with a new sober date for my own reasoning. Not of drug use but of negative lifestyle. October will hold a whole new meaning next year for me as we have decided to have our wedding on my fathers birthday in the year of 2020. The year he would make 53 and 12 days shy of him being taken from this world for 6 whole years. I am incredibly excited as I know that I am finally willing to let go of my old life, past grudges, and move forward with my life.

More later.

Xoxo,

Chels

[endlesslychanging101]

Rachel,

Reading your book has helped me so much, I guess not in a "helped me want to keep living way", but in a "helped me not feel so fucked up way". I thought my "thoughts" were all my own, but reading your book(Get me out of here) has shown me otherwise. Living with BPD, that kind of messes with you. It honestly helped in some areas, and at the same time makes me feel like I am only my disorder. Like my disorder is the reason I think half of the things I think. So am I really real? Who am I? For the longest time, months even I wouldn’t read the ending. I don’t think a happy ending is something I will achieve. I don’t think those exist for people like us. So I wouldn’t read the ending because I was scared that you would get a happy ending and I wouldn’t and it would put a false sense of trust in my head something I already lack so much of. Instead as always you delivered the raw truth of things. You never got your happy ending but things got easier and you found ways to cope and do something as simple as just be with yourself. Something I’m scared I can never do. I wanted so desperately to read the part where you tell me everything will be okay and you lived out a happy life regardless of this bullshit. But things I felt most weren’t in the end But when I'm sitting there with you in that therapy room. So many things you've done, I’ve done as well. I've learned things, painful truths that were hard to read through. I wish people could grasp them as we do. I wish people could feel what we feel, or be as patient as your therapist is with you.

In a way I guess I dont blame them, who could possibly just want me. Who could possibly look at me, and want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. No one. I disgust myself, but they disgust me when they lie. How could I not get angry? How could I not, not trust people, when all they do is seek to destroy me? I have no one. I have lost absolutely everyone. I have no family members, except my father. But even he most of the time could live happier without the burden of his only child. He used to mock, and belittle me growing up for all my intense mood swings, and behaviors. He still can not comprehend any of it, as the years went on he just became more depressed secretly wishing he never made the choice to have a child. Im sure he wants to leave this world as much as I do. My mother left us a couple years ago, that was the hardest I don’t talk about it much. She still comes to visit acts like everything’s fine like we’re still a family and for a moment it’s like she never left. One time I came out to see them sitting on the couch watching a football game the windows were open the sun was shinning in they were laughing cheering there was a homemade lasagna cooking in the oven everything was perfect, so much so that I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The way they can act like everything was ok. No everything was not ok, my dadis heartbroken I had watched him cry himself to sleep for months and now he’s sitting there while she gives him false hope. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like my dad, but I felt for him and I stood for him. Because I know that pain all to well. When my mom told me she was leaving I was still in a group home. She told me she was going to go live with an old college friend that her and my dads relationship wasn’t working out and she needed time. I respected that, I respected my mom for wanting to take care of herself. I needed my mom I was scared and Alone and I was in this place with these girls and I just wanted my mom. I just wanted to know that she was there for me. And she asked me time after time do u need me say u need me and I won’t go. But I knew living with my dad was hard and the last thing I wanted to be was a bigger burden so I pushed her away so she wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving me when I needed her. She would leave and be gone for months after that about a year later I found out the nasty family secret from my aunt (my moms sister) they had gotten in a huge fight and Kathy wanted to hurt my mom so she wanted to ruin me and my moms relationship. It worked. My aunt had told me about my moms affair that she had been having since I was 9. And that she was there right now with another man and not with her college friend. I lost my mind all trust, all love, all hope, everything I had felt for her before had disintegrated into thin air, and was replaced with an immense anger that burned through my entire core. There I was being nice thinking of her when she was lying through her fucking teeth. I hated my mother, I still do sometimes. I have no one but me, and at times that is the worst possible thing for me. I have become completely enveloped in despair and disease. I truly believe I am losing it. I only have moments of regularity before I am going off the deep end again. I've been in therapy for over half my life now, and been through numerous medications. When does life become clear? When does the want to live come? When do I stop disappointing and frightening people? I love everyone so much that it tears me apart, but they dont even see that. They focus on the angry boughts, and self destructive mannerisms, they choose to only see the bad in me. That shit hurts.

I'm at constant war with myself, telling myself to give up and telling myself to keep going, telling myself to lose everyone around me, and to message them back. I'm in constant pain, I walk around with a weight in my chest, but at the same time feel so god damn empty. How is that possible? I'm fucking exhausted, Rachel. I dont want to fucking be here anymore. I cant imagine how you made it to thirty, considering I cant even think about making it to the end of this month. Everything just hurts, and all i can do is fucking feel it.

I have so much trauma in my life, I can't imagine how long my therapy journey will take before I get to say my "goodbye" to my therapist. What therapist I’ve been through handfuls and they all give up on me the one therapist who could help me I got fired, due to an infatuation with another staff member I had she tried to get me out of it and ended up getting fired . How dysfunctional can I get? I used to be able to block all of this out, you know? I used to be different. Even a year ago, I was so different then who I am now. How does that happen? How does all the trauma break out of you like this? How fucking sickening. When I sit and think about it, I honestly start to suffocate. Are we actually the biggest liars in our life? How we spent our whole lives hiding everything that hurt, masking it all with fake smiles and laughs. We shoved it all away, if not for us then everyone around us. Yet were the monsters now? How could we not be? Were fucking filled to the brim with decades of ache because we put our own pain last to everyone, because all we wanted was for them to be okay, and now look, were alone, and they aren’t, and we’re hurting and they’re not.

It’s evil, sick, and revolting. I was born to be a doormat, staircase, a filler, a helping hand for everyone else. Now I look in the mirror and im nothing but bruises and scars. How could I not self-destruct? It's all I've known, ripped and tore myself for everyone, even me. God I'm so mad at everything, I cant breathe. If someone doesnt make my coffee right, it's like they're out to personally spite me. I think on all my friendships, old and new, and regret all of them. I dont trust anyone, literally. I do t even find pleasure in things I used to love, what's happening to me?

[darthputa]

2, 19. 25 for that gay ask thingie

2. whats your type?i dont really have one set type per say. I like alot of things… Ive had crushes on dudes when I was in grade school but i dont think that was really attraction as much as it was everyone else likes a guy so i should too? Does that make sense? Im attracted to dudes irl physically but ive only ever been attracted to them physically/emotionally/romantically when they are fictional ™ ( which is making me wonder if im mayhaps a lesbian but idk) Theres never been a guy ive met irl that i wanted to be with.

I like thicc/chubby/fat gorls. Thin girls are beautiful too but im not typically into them bc 1. typically annoying 2. body issues to the max (im afraid id crush them ) I like pretty hair… long hair short hair curly hair thick hair… well kept hair is so… HHNNNNG!!! I like brown eyes and Im a boob person ™ Personality wise im deffo into people who know what they want ™. Im a very indecisive person so being assertive and shit is hot ™. Umm someone who is funny and or can make me laugh, someone who isnt afraid to open up to me and be emotionally vulnerable ™. they dont have to be that way for everyone just for me 👀

I guess tropey wise.. the bad guy that goes good… my favorite type ™. Also the cocky bastard with a pure heart type, and the i dont smile for anyone but you type.

Idk ive never really thought about this bc I dont think about myself and relationships cause ew, its more like i see something/someone i like and i go yea i like that but i don’t necessarily know that off the bat..ya know…

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?🤔🤔🤔 all 3… but i dont read as much as i used too…hmm… Movie?? Viddya Game?? Both… I have bpd what is identity ™

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone?

Honestly i have no fuckin clue im currently tryna figure this out so if anyone knows the answer blease share and help a nigga out ™

Im thinking its like what things exactly do you or would you miss if you werent together, and if its specific things of their person like I would miss how excited they get over their special interests and how we would talk for hours about it vs I miss sending nudes or them doing this thing for me, that lets you know you miss the person vs missing what you get from a relationship??

Idk!!

#ask

[no-besity]

Taking a break.

Woke up depressed and suicidal again. Fighting it but it's hard. Anyways... as much as I would like to magically fix myself and hammer out a bunch of great nutrition and fitness and weightloss... my brain needs attention more than my body does right now. I'm going to delete Tumblr off of this phone so I'm probably not going to be posting as much. I just need to refocus on mental health, at least for a week or so. I've been taking my meds every day - I only missed one day this week. It's not the medication that's making me suicidal, it's something else, and I need to do some serious self-consultation to figure out what it is and how I can fix it. I have some theories. All this free time in the Summer is really hurting me. I also need to set a goal or two completely unrelated to weight loss. My mental health was great when I was in school because I had something, multiple things, to work towards. Right now... my only focus and goal has been losing weight. My only value is weightloss, my only sense of accomplishment comes from weighf loss. So when I fuck up, or I don't lose, not only am I failing at achieving one goal I've set - but I'm failing at everything in life. That's my only focus. So instead of it feeling like I'm fucking up on one small aspect of my life, it just feels like I'm failing at everything everything everything, I'm failing at being human, I'm going to die. I can see how this isn't logical thinking but at this point I can't fully step out of it. I need to remember the other things that make me have worth as a human being. I'm intelligent. I'm talented. I'm empathetic. I'll try to make a list. This is the first time I've felt this desperately hopeless and depressed and borderline suicidal since before I finished therapy. I think that's one of the things that is scaring me. I've never come out of this on my own. I've never done this without a supportive mental health professional by my side, reminding me of reality and encouraging me to set goals. I have supportive friends and family members, but no one who really understands the intricacies of Borderline Personality Disorder - let alone the intricacies of *MY* BPD. Despite having a diagnosis I still have family members ask me if I think I was actually mentally ill, or if I was just a dumb teenager like everyone else. I was and AM and will always be mentally ill. I need to accept that I cannot be "fixed" - there is nothing to "fix" - I just have thought patterns that I need to pay attention to because they arent always based in reality. So today I'm going to start journalling again. Art journalling offline. I'm bringing my DBT books to work and re-reading them, I'm going to familiarize myself with the skills I need again. I think I'm even going to print off or recreate some DBT diary cards to track my mood and track the skills I'm using each day. Most important right now are the PLEASE ABC skills - assessing Physical Ills, Eating, mood-Altering substances, Sleep, and Exercise. ABC is an acronym for, well, I don't remember exactly but happiness-inducing activities, building mastery (achieving or working towards goals), and... I think C is coping skills but I'll have to look again? Anyways, yeah, that's my plan. I'm trying to be nice to myself by acknowledging I'm not just lazy and stupid - I have a verifiable mental illness that many people struggle with, but I also have the skills to succeed through it. I am trying to remind myself that the obesity crisis doesn't exist because people are lazy and stupid - it exists because shitty food, particularly sugar, is literally chemically addictive. These habits are not easy to break. I am not failing because I am struggling. My weight loss/gain/loss/gain history is totally normal. The struggle is motherfucking real lol, and if I was just being a lazy dumb fuck then I'd be the only obese person around - I wouldn't be part of an unhealthy majority. Anyways, those are my thoughts for today. I need to get dressed now. Btw thanks for the positive messages etc. I'm sorry I dont take them seriously but I do appreciate em.

#personal