#i just didnt think things would be this fucked up or id still be this lost at this point in my life and its disgusting im disgusting

[ganondoodle]

I probably still wouldn’t have been a big fan of the game, but I don’t think I would have been NEARLY as upset about TotK if BotW didn’t seem like it was so obviously setting up plot points for a sequel. Like, you’re very clearly MEANT to wonder what malice is, and how Ganon became the Calamity instead of just the Demon King. Fi is awake again, where are they going either that? What’s the deal with the Triforce-shaped symbol on Zelda’s hand? There were a LOT of other things like that, and many of them had to do with overarching lore for the series.

I get it if they want to reboot the series, but “BotW 2” was the single worst game you could have done that with. It could have been an amazing conclusion to the original continuity.

EXACTLY, you, you get it

botw felt like the introduction to a vast world with secrets and hints to things that were planned to become a bigger thing- a big giant game as a big giant set up, and then ... like totk likes to do alot, it lacks a pay off, and that is something it even does within itself, cosntantly, set up and no pay off, or set up and the most boring and uninspired pay off you can really not even call that, from the bigger things like the whole dragon thing being hammered into your head as irreversible and then it IS reversible.. out of nowhere without you having to do fuck all, the whole thing with the ancient hero beign a big mystery with lots of interesting ideas attached and then its some weird ass dog creature that doesnt resemble any other race with, of course, sonau armor, bc there nothing that isnt sonau in that game, even finding the old treasure maps you can find that then lead to amiibo stuff from botw id call that

botw wasnt that great with rewards either but exploring the world and wondering about those, surely intentionally, placed mysterious and intriguing designs and places did alot for making it so interesting to think about, totk fumbles it all and even the new stuff doesnt even come close to that environmental storytelling botw was so great at, sonau ruins? ha they look entirely different than in botw actually, bc those were built by hylians you see, the actual sonau stuff is in prime condition considering the time thats passed and its all the same blank blocky blocks that serve no purpose but to be a place for you to find a thing or exchange some currency- the most you can think about it is ... that the sonau hollowed out the entire underground of hyrule, every inch of the map, ... which is WEIRD and doesnt exactly make them look that good but ... thats all there is

at least with the shiekah it made somewaht more sense and it felt much less .. invasive? and you didnt have anyone from that time to talk to, other than dead monks whos only purpose is to give you their last piece of their own spirit, but in totk ... raurus ghost and mineru too are both just there to talk to but DONT tell you shit but vague hints that were already clear, the sky islands used to be on the ground? oh you dont say, you see them there in the stupid memories! and dont get to know how they got up there and theres nothing that can clue you in to that, its just sonau magic yet again i guess

dont even get me started on the whole malice/miasma thing, it made so much SENSE that there was a source of it, someone that has keep kept in a horrible place just between life and death for thousands of years trying to break free by their hate and anger manifesting to such a degree its literally spilling out and building creppy eyeballs, mouths and ribcage like structures like they are trying to rebuild themsleves outside of their awful prison no one knows about is so damn compelling, but no, actually, the guy trapped there was the msot evilest evar, was sealed bc him evil and no other motive, and the previously mentioned stuff is pretty much utterly unceonnected, and his magic beign miasma with red instead of pink and no creepy body parts was the true version of it, that pink one was its own thing heehooo SHUT UP argh

it doesnt help that really, i dont feel like the sonau were set up either, they were a tiny part in botw, really only serving to make the world seem more ancient and more full of history, having ruins from a past civilization there you know nothing about and cant find out more is so good, its compelling and sad and makes the world feel more real, just shoving them into everything, being the center of attention all of thes udden and not even the architecure fitting feels so ... forced, i really truly believe the og sonau werent meant to be more than that, but in their fear of the game being too similarly looking like botw they took the sonau to replace the shiekah with them- imo the shiekah were the ones set up to be deeper explored in botw, with their whole misstreatment by the royal family in the past, monk miz kyoshia reacting the same way a yiga commander would was deliberate and brings up even more interesting ideas, the comments about where the mysterious energy the ancient shiekah used to power everything being concentrated in certain regions?? thats a big ass set up, the fact that the center of what is signaling everything to reactivate being below hyrule castle? the fact the whole arena thing was BUILT INTO THE CASTLE or it on top of it is so??? cool??? and sso damn intriguing, we are scratching the surface of their history- but then no, actually, the sonau are the cool new shit those other ones just uh ... disappear, also the sonau did everythign the shiekah did but even better wayy before them haha

its like they didnt want to tackle the more complicated stuff with the shiekah, their relationship to the royal family and how the yiga ... have a point and a good reason- so they replaced them with entirely new purely goodest good guys that did the same stuff before them with none of the history attached :))

this is why im so insistent on it not really being a sequel, thers no follow up on anything that was set up, NOTHING, and no, a couple having a kid now or whatever isnt a follow up on an interesting set up, how hard is it to understand that-

.... listen to me rambling, you probably know all that already nhjdfkbnkd

(i know i always bring up the shiekah but ... they were so central in botw, while also not taking up every single corner- unlike some other ones >_____>, with so much interesting stuff to connect and think about, i cared about them so much i felt kicked down the stairs by their treatment in totk)

#ganondoodles answers #ganondoodles rants #zelda #totk #totk critical #maybe its jsut me that feels so strongly about the unanswered stuff around the shiekah #but im #biting wood and clawing up the walls in my head

[fictionfixations]

masquerade malleus vignette

(spoilers for glorious masquerade)

aww

i refuse to believe lilia is oblivious enough not to notice that they dont like his cooking

..although solomon (from obey me) doesnt notice either iirc, but i mean..

..sebek. in a vignette, you literally got his help in cleaning a stain from malleus' labcoat???

...i never thought id hear azul say those words.... what?????

i dont know how it didnt hit me until now but the only reason rollo's plan in glorious masquerade failed was because he was so insistent on having malleus there and taking away all his power and shit?? like. cause. none of us had enough magic to actually overpower the fire lotuses(? i cant remember what they were called), although yuu would be able to make it through with no magic how could we even fight rollo at the end??

and at the point it reaches malleus and he could do something about it, it'd be too late?? because i REALLY doubt he has enough to reach all of those flowers and with enough to completely fry them out. and i doubt the bell would reach it by then.

silver...

is azul even human?? im like pretty sure-ish he's not human. not even half human. just entirely sea creature with a human-like body to probably be treated more normally and not hunted for sport/food through evolution shit idfk (like. idk im pretty sure its a thing where pets look so much cuter to cause us to take them in and shit.)

anyway im just imagining sebek talking azul's ear off about how great malleus is because he finally has a buddy who understands and therefore would be willing to listen to him talk for hours straight about malleus's greatness. AND APPRECIATE IT. HAUIHDSUIhd and azuls just like ………………….. floyd and jade laughing at him from a distance azul sets sebek on them like 'i think those two should come to learn about malleus's brilliance, don't you think? after all, as my colleagues, it is such a shame that they don't share my admiration for malleus, and i am unsure how to put it into words, as malleus himself is so magnificent that even words fail to describe him properly. so sebek, my fellow appreciator, would you lend me your aid in helping them grow to appreciate his brilliance?' okay i ran out of words and started repeating them because ic ant be bothered to look up for synonyms, im not THAT into it okay

ahhh so it is a fleur city song i wasnt sure. ive read in fics that it was, but it was also those fics where songs either have power, or yuu knows a bunch of disney songs that are considered 'forbidden/forgotten songs' or something like that and i cant remember which it was

actually if they put in all that work beforehand i think i get why they were so insistent on waiting for rollo to either confess or not AFTER the social ball and after they left and everything LMFAO

they suddenly changed into their school uniforms (still in diasomnia)

i honestly wouldnt know if id trust lilia that much but sure (i hope it doesnt turn to perfectionism levels tho)

first time we encounter italicized text i think. huh.

lmfao

oh my god (no but why choose idia at that point?? is it cuz his voice meshes well with them??)

ayoo its playing the make a wish (i think thats what the song is called) instrumental in the bg ive heard it way too many times not to recognize it (and sung along. its so fucking cool)

damn

my hands are actually protesting now ah geez (i took a break)

I GOT SO DISTRACTED BY DEUCE (i was re-experiencing enjoying looking at everyones costumes again) I AM AN IDIOT (its lower in opacity to show you that you're on it in the editor)

ooh

i didnt notice the insert paragraph im sorry lMFAO but id forget if i didnt SS it then

ooh some malleus riddle bonding

AH ITS A YUU JUMPSCARE

that seriously startled me like suddenly i just hear footsteps and then BOOM OPTIONS

ayooo malleus and yuu dancing

(alsoo yuu and deuce dancing :D)

WOOO

okay. now.

i feel like. im doing really good progress tackling all the vignettes (currently in EN. after that's GloMas, & Book 6 and 7. ive been avoiding it because not all of the Backgrounds exist, and GloMas has options with completely different dialogue which I can't see them all. i have three different videos of GloMas gameplay but they dont show all options...). all thats remaining is azul's tsumsitter (i have a vid of his vignette. ..i just dont like doing the tsum ones because i never know how to describe the tsum moving) vil birthday bloom (i FOUND A VIDEO finally oh my god. i love doing birthday vignettes) malleus dorm uniform (I have a vid) sebek new year (i have a vid) grim labcoat (i have a vid)

and then the rabbit costume ones which all of them have vignettes iirc and i have videos for all of them (i actually just found them as i was writing this. thank you god. they have no views tho geez. wonder if that means vil birthday bloom exists in a video but just wont appear. this is future me. ...i have been blessed with vil birthday bloom.)

#malleus draconia #twisted wonderland #twst wonderland #twst vignettes #twst events #twst spoilers #glorious masquerade #twst #thoughts

[cosmocove]

vote for sol in the @doomed-bythe-narrative showdown

#bonk.txt #id in alt text #exocolonist spoilers #i was a teenage exocolonist #iwatex #iwatec #exocolonist #what if u were a boy n what if you were a girl n what if u were neither n both n everything n nothing all at once #n u were suddenly in a timeloop n u were always in a timeloop n u did this to urself n u could never escape but actually u didnt n u could #but to do so would basically be the same as choosing to die n even if u hated it so much that u were willing to do that u still cant leave #cause at some time anywhere you want this you've always wanted this you never wanted this #you're scared to die (despite how many times you already have) u love ur family n friends too much n want a little more time with them #you just think you could do some things a little better this time u absolutely fucked up n need to make amends for people who u havent hurt #just ugh... UGH!! character of all time!!!!!!! #drew sol's teen design just cause its my fav of their regular outfits even though i prefer drawing sol with long hair #which u cant have until theyre 17-19 #bonk.png

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

washing some of my crocheted stuff for the first time and im Incredibly Nervous about it. what if they come undone. what if i lose my beloved soup coaster...

#id make a new one but it wouldnt be The Same #and i dont exactly have the uh #wrappers? LABELS! #the labels to see if theyre machine washable. i think they are? #i hope i didnt just fuck up the colors of that whole load! #well even if i did im sure i can find a way to make it work #but still im more worried that my coasters will unravel #i wove in the ends verrryyyyy securely but the Fear is still there #i dread the day i wash my arm sleeve things #they took so long to make.... many hours and much hand/wrist pain #worth it tho! gonna go to michaels soon to find softer yarn & make a new pair #i hope they have some good pinks! #absolutely unprompted #hyperaware of the sound of the washing machine rn #im imagining that the coasters are having a good time in there but like. if it kills them... #at least theyd die having fun #and id have extra long scrap yarn to work with #it would join its friends in the Lemon Bag

[the-trans-dragon]

Y'know it was REALLY goddamn evil and nefarious that the oil fields gave my mom (a single mom working 3 jobs to raise 2 kids) a single $5,000 check in exchange for her signing a nondisclosure to never complain about them.

Of course we fucking took the money. Even with her working 1 full-time job and 2 part-time jobs, she barely made over $1,000 a month. Of course she took the money. We though about moving but we still couldn't afford it. She was so frugal with it, though. It did give us a sliver of financial security for years.

But goddamn. $5,000 is table scraps to them, and they bought her silence with it because she couldn't refuse the chance to slightly lessen the weight of poverty on her family.

#sorenhoots #i remember i was like 11 or something. she didnt know if she should sign it. and its not like we had or knew any lawyers. she had ME read it #over and even i was like “this is a nondisclosure and it means you cant ever talk about anything they do even if they do something terrible” #i recall being very proud of myself for knowing what a NDA was. lord knows where my middle-school self learned that from. she did eventually #have a lawyer of some sort look over it and they said the same thing but.... $5000 #it wasnt an option for her. that was more money than wed ever had or saved. she had two kids who would need cars bc we lived so far in the #country. she knew i wanted to go to college. i dont think i ever saw her buy herself clothes before then either. it was money for emergencys #and necessities and birthday presents and road trips and... i often wondered about the person who offered us that. i wondered where they #lived and wondered how much their clothes costed and wondered if their kids got to have art or piano lessons. i wondered if their home was #over 80 degrees in the summer and under 60 in the winter and if they lived in a house that wasnt filled with dangerous spiders (we had nice #spiders too but we did also have Very Dangerous Spiders) and id picture him in his office in a button up and slacks and it would break my #heart that my mom couldnt have all of that. we just had a $5000 check and a vow to not complain. #she still feels earthquakes from it. less nowdays but still. and sometimee it still smells like a jar of hot petroleum jelly. and the attic #smell is worse than ever and the tap water smells like sulfur and wet mold #goddamn what the fuck? jesus christ. she should move.

[pcktknife]

Back on that damn zoroark wiki page

#sigh. anways #h!zoros are said to have come back to life after death from a harsh environment which for some👏🏾reason👏🏾 i didnt register as a #u!zoro dying and coming back different (probably bc time n history why would the ancestor derive from the descendant) but its not an #ancestor its just a zoroark thats fucked up bc the region its in #additionally i didnt understand why it hated people AND pokemon (and still didnt rlly understand the ppl thing fully) but its cause they #were banished to the icelands by ppl and the pokemon there did not make it any easier so they died and came back from being so fucking Mad #and thats fucked up bc they are chill dogs!!!! so i get it id b mad too displaced by ppl u actively try to avoid and then u die in the only #place ur kinda allowed to be Plus the animals there are being jerks also ?? baneful fox is right #i feel like zoros still have a stigma abt them so i bet under the right conditions a modern zoro w the typing and nature of a hisuian one #is possible and i also wonder where the hisuian ones went cause i assume that ghost types dont die 2x and something w so much anger towards #everything its given the title of spiteful and baneful wouldnt just....go away that is a restless spirit lmao i cant imagine theyd just #move on so i like to think they r maybe just fuckin around in the mountains mostly unseen away from everything and maybe they r killin #things as just an unseen force idk i dont live in the sinnohan mountains #exhale Thats All!!!! known/common knowledge and assumed information but idc cause i wanted to talk anyways!!! #kae.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#love that when ur stressed and having a bad time it makes ur menstrual pain worse so you feel even more awful #like. yes. id love to get things done but unfortunately i need to go home immediately at 2pm bc i feel physically ill. vibes wretched. #im considering sleep here at 6pm but 2 b fair i think i only slept 4hrs last night. woof. tomorrow is gonna b interesting #i think the allergic reacting is abt over now tho. like im not really itchy anymore. the rash is still visible but i think its just dry now #bc of the cold. so was i ever reacting to the tatto0? or was it all the medication? im so interesting in what happened #would i not have had a reaction if i hadn't got a bunch of holes poked in my skin? or was it just a coincidence #that the rash started on that arm? ugh. so frustrating. and i think the psychiatrist forgot to actually book my appointment from when we #last talked so idk. maybe if i watch t4skmaster over and over it will heal my soul #ay. its all very frustrating. and i still dont have fucking autoclave access. fuck off. just give me the fucking key code #i just wanna pour plates 🫗 lol that actually looks a lot like pouring solid media. i dont wanna have to steal someone else's card to open #the door. who even locks up an autoclave??? they didnt at my old school and u could wheel a body into that thing. im pretty sure it was #bigger than this one. also there's another unlocked on on campus. why?! i ask ppl and fucking no one knows. that's just how it is #ugh. i should go to sleep. my tummy hurt #unrelated

[themyscirah]

Philippus? Wym philippus this is a wholeass other woman?????? She's white?????? Guys come on now

ALSO cursed white Euboea in this same sequence.... homeboy she's Asian please stop

Joe Phillips I'm sorry but this is some shitty ass guest pencilling how can you not know anything abt what these people look like thats literally your job... you also just needed to read the issue before this to know?

Editors should have caught this one these are major Amazon characters

#also i did a quick wiki check for one thing and basically confirmed that i was right about this entire arc so i win i guess 💪💪💪💪 #like “the amazons are starting some crazy murder shit!” are they really now. which amazons may i ask? are you sure its not the bana- #oh yep its the baba mighdall. well then. TOTALLY didnt see this coming (said w love) #i mean its like maybe im being perceptive but they literally showed two of them in their armor and had one say phthia aka one of the #founders of the bana. like okay i had to do a wiki to check that and obvi id know slightly more than a pérez run reader abt them #(but not much honestly ive read the same stuff they wouldve just plus some fandom osmosis/knowing who artemis is) but i digress. do think he #maybe could have put showing them off but i understand the motive of not wanting readers to go months thinking the amazons were chopping #ppls heads off. but they could have teased the mind control red herring (probably? think it was a red herring although it could pop back up #the arc is still ongoing) a little bit more considering weve had dr psycho starting shit for the past 4 (at LEAST) issues but well whatever #anyways the pencilling on this one needed help like its not even a coloring issue at the core of it its legit this guest guy drawing #totally different people... very lame #anyways maybe im too quick to blame it all on the bana i am only halfway through the arc #like i do think it is the bana. i think thats the answer. but again dr psycho IS causing problems and theres been hints of the cheetah being #involved (“animal attack” killings + a shot of her in arkham) AND circe was namedropped (although now we know it was dr psycho) but im still #slightly suspicious bc there seems to be possesed animals... like they are v much laying different hints and pathways here #but i think its the bana. i think its psycho fucking around and also the bana and MAYBE a psycho controlled cheetah or the bana mimicing her #patterns. or are the bana even there if psychos involved??? he could just be fucking around then- okay you know what. maybe im less sure of #this than i thought and should just read more. wait but how would psycho even know about the bana to have ppl hallucinate hed just use the #themyscirans-- okay i need to read more im getting distracted. the bana are definitely involved though im calling it. its them and maybe #psycho. and maybe cheetah. and maybe circe but likely not bc we already established that was a false lead. unless that was also a trick. and #WHAT ABT ARES ALL THE STOLEN ARTIFACTS HAD TO DO WITH WAR-- #.... guys im losing it. fuck it im saying its all giganta and calling it a day i cant do this #no but i love how this mystery is set up its like they just dropped clues for every single ww villain onto it and said “here. good luck.” #this is before the big ww crossover too so it could actually be all of them im losing my mind here. WHO IS IT #ive twisted myself in a circle here i dont know anything now. only that i did call it if it was the bana. or if theres mind control or smth #sus about heracles cup. i also called that although its seeming less and less likely now that the bana and psycho are likely involved. and #maybe cheetah. and circe. and ares. guys im falling apart here #what was the point of this post then? oh shitty guest pencilling and editor flops. the editor flop part i can understand im sure they were #busy even if this is a big thing to miss imo. the penciller though is just silly come on now. someone should have caught that. anyways-- #swishy liveblogs

[arowrath]

how the fuck do u wash a weighted blanket

#text #am i gonna have to call a laundromat pathetic style and be like 'hey can ur washing machines handle my 15lb blanket' #i might make my mother call #ive never been 2 a laundromat we have a washer and dryer in the basement + when it breaks we just handwash stuff #which sucks btw. especially in winter cuz u cant even air dry stuff outside #we have like ........ i dont know how to explain this room. we ghave a room in the basement that has counters (?? for some fucking reason) #and a shitty old freezer from the 90s (unsure how it is still functional) and it has stuff piled on like every single surface and its #fucking tiny right. well my parents put up hooks n shit and strung yarn btwn them to dry stuff when our dryer broke once and like #it WORKED i GUESS. but yarn is not good at holding many items. and we didnt have clothespins so stuff would slide to the middle of it #tldr IT WAS ANNOYING and ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HANDLE A 15LB BLANKET #we have a. curtainrod functioning as a closet rod thing but not in a closet . in my twin brother's old room. that maybeee could handle it #but then the blanket would drip water everywhere and also we;d have to get it UP there. do u know how fucking HEAVY a wet weighted blanket #would be. answer is VERY #id LIKE to dry it AT the laundromat but the tag said to air dry only #so i might just ask them if i go or if my mom calls #ive been thinking abt this literally all week as u can see #my fucking duvet as well i gotta wash that too #i have so much bed related laundry to do

[artemisbarnowl]

Having a totally normal one* after waking from a dream where I just relive life with my ex. It was so normal and fine and we did things such as lay around in bed and make plans for the day, go to the Korean supermarket on the corner, go to a friend's house together.

#*if it were in the evening i would be drinking enough to finally drink dial and just fucking ASK all the questions i am making up answers to #what did you want? what do you want now?? honestly could you find it in your heart to hate me and never wanna see me again? #because me saying 'i don't think we should talk for a while' and you saying 'id really like to be friends' are obviously Not It #omg im going to spend my birthday alone for the first time....nearly ever and im just going to go to work and be miserable #i havent been able to stop chewing on the idea of me visiting when i head down to see the fam for christmases #i want him to want me back sooooo bad!!!! #i still think about that dream where i made him pasta #would i take him back? depends on what he said #as much as im pathetic im not an idiot and id need clear evidence to show that he 1. knows what he wants (involving me) and #2. is going to ask for it #because i don't think i ever heard him say a single thing about what he wanted for our future #never said 'hey i want to see you when are you free for me to come up?' #is probably fucking dating now anyway and doesnt WANT me to remember him on new years (our best guess anniversary) #or ask to call because i want to ask questions that will be hard to answer #when all ive ever wanted is the TRUTH #not the strategic answer just the gods honest truth #and i suspect that is 'i dont want to date you i havent for a while i didnt know how to stop or what i wanted instead' #and then i could go home break every object in ny house and move on #try a dating app ot something else to attempt to look forward instead of back #so as you can see -totally normal one

[nomaishuttle]

its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting

#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that #to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk. #i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money #any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and #he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just #he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me #and now i. know why he did that lol #but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back #or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me #and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship #genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and #pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i #realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically #and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot #with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would #hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he #was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically. #like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential. #and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week #on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick

[mifunebooty]

Really funny this white dude in my speech class group i remember he kept making eye contact with me and i was like does he like me um and turns out he did that with everybody white people weird

#cherry says #anyways fun inside GOD THAT SEMESTER WAS STICKY my mom could not take unemployment well #me i got used to the cycle of looking for jobs getting nothing then stop looking bc my mom said dont worry about it ill pay the bills #i did that over and over and with film jobs id just look at texas film commission sometimes just to look #but i myself got used to the job hunting so i felt zoned out from it yet #that area felt as much a daydream as my wanting to go make a movie i didnt think i wanted to tell myself that #especially because i still was doing acting looking for acting #but yeah there was times my mom would make violent fits she would wonder what was happening #i think those times revealed a lot of the weird complexity of our relationship after high school #i didnt pity her but i did feel like i owed her something i believed so many things she told me #i feel like she wanted me to see her work as a sacrifice so i must do this and that but it was way deeper #parental love became a fucking duty to show it that was just it i did what she said #to at the same time comfort myself when i had no job and maybe even to comfort myself for being scared #i think tbh i need to face that past action that i was scared i was scared of reality even if it was a reality she talked of #i was scared of growing up and didnt wanna think about it i was scared of the future in 2 months when class ended #so maybe my mom with no job suddenly presented the risks we were all taking #maybe it made me more scared of what was to be on the outside #somebody who put fear in my head who said dont worry u study i work and that was gone #perhaps i shouldve taken that opportunity to realize NOTHING LASTS. #YOUR MOTHER WHO ALWAYS MADE IT SOUND LIKE THE WORLD WAS CONTROLLED AND PREDICTED BY HER IS AS VULNERABLE AS YOU NOTHING LASTS #but i didnt i instead became the punching bag again the quiet good girl and kept on thats a lot to swallow even more

[h3rmitsunited]

I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.

But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back

And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.

And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit

#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss.... #the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough #just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface #i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into #dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand #or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever #i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up #maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row #but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago #but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because #i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine #but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later #so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings #which is not fun #i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management #i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing #basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that #i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens #im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still #come on clarissa do a good job

[pizzapizzadickz]

I often times find myself wondering when interacting with people "am I doing this right?'"

It used to be even more often, I probably was really anxious about it back then. Now... not so much? I still find myself worrying a bit. And especially trying to find the correct "answer" or action to say or do. But. It's not really by any fault of my own. It's just what's expected of me in social situations doesn't always come naturally. So I'm awkward. But idk. While I'll always probably try to find the right answer for things, I'm a bit less worried than I used to be. And I suppose that's something good in a way.

#normal #oh. i dont have to be like this. i can do something different #who the fuck am i really. #diary #personal #i honeslty didnt even think this would turn out to be positive. like. i thought its be a bit more down. #but idk. despite knowing im probably doing a lot of things wrong. im still a bit happier this way. #its been a long while since ive just done things that are more true to myself and now worried about the consequences. so its kinda nice #idk. obviously in places like work i mask much more. but at a coffee shop. or talking with friends. or even alone in my bedroom - #i do it much less. i used to be so self-conscious. i wouldn't even dance alone in my room. its strange to think thats - #just how much pressure society exibits. its impressive really. id try not to do things incase it wasnt #i think in a way the internet really saved me from a lot of that. yeah it probably exasperated some of my problems but it also helps too? #i can find communities and learn about things i love even if i dont participate. #i suppose its nice just knowing #and thats opened up a lot of avenues for me. like. knowing i dont need to be in a relationship. that i can collect stuffed toys. #that i can be obsessed with something stupid. just. a lot of small things like that? it sorta takes off that huge pressure to conform. #idk. i used to be so fixated on conforming and participating. and my mom quite litterally taught me to. #she always used to tell me about how when she had to move around she had to make consessions like that. #or how she didnt like it either just talking with the girls or whatever. so i sorta just thought of it all as normal. #so i just tried more and more and more to press myself into a mold without ever really caring what i liked. or thought #like. i knew what i wanted. but that wasnt right. so i id just. cut off bits n peices of myself. #i remember being oh so frustrated thinking and its so odd to think of now. #because now i just am. and even when im sad im happy. its peaceful really. #really though. being able to label things. and figure out stuff about myself and psychology and everything was amazing #im really glad ive both changed so much - yet really not at all at the same time #i still like the same things i did when i was 6. im still exactly the same at my core tbh. #but im much different from who i was in my teens. to me it really feels like just accepting who i always was. #and like. letting myself be who i was and am. i am me and thats sorta that? #idk. im just philosophizing myself yet again. but i also really enoys doing that XD

[apathyfairy]

my whole life ive been thinking im an old soul bc everyone would tell me i was bc i was “serious” and quiet and shy as a kid and riddled with social anxiety so i was like ok. i must be then. and now im realizing im not lmao like honestly as stupid as it sounds i think that was putting pressure on me to know how to live my life and what to do all the time but now im like oh im new no wonder im afraid of absolutely everything and i cant function and everything disappoints me it’s bc i dont know whats going on. im new in town. and im incorporating that into my belief system now

#yeah im going insane clearly but anyways #in friends when joey is like what was my past life and phoebe was like oh sweetie youre brand new like lmao me #but did anyone else get called serious as a kid and did anyone else take it as an insult like i did like. #i hated absolutely nothing more than people being like oh youre so serious and quiet like i am but also i dont want to be here talking #to you so i have nothing to say. like sorry i wasnt saying every thought i had out loud like every other kid so that made me 'mature' #for my age like honestly that fucked my life up more than anything else was being called mature for my age. it put way too much pressure on #me and i didnt even get to be a kid because everyone expected me to be older than i always was and now that im #so old and approaching death it's just all regret man i have nothing but regret for how ive lived my life #and im so old and i have absolutely nothing figured out i just dont know what the fuck to do #i just didnt think things would be this fucked up or id still be this lost at this point in my life and its disgusting im disgusting #everything is just so fucked up and i hate it like absolutely nothing is right in my life right now i am truly at rock bottom #like i genuinely cannot imagine ever being at a lower point than im at right now and no that's not inspiring like 'oh it cant get any worse' #'if youre at your lowest point it can only get better :)' no thats not how it works #it can get worse i just cant possibly imagine how and nothing is ever going to get better bc i dont know how to get myself out of this #literally im spongebob in rockbottom but the bus is literally never coming like the bus station shut down that's where im at

[thecherrygod]

i am. making a mistake

#my posts #im. very depressed. in a bad state. and also ill and unsure if im actually becoming feverish. and its midnight #i. am struggling emotionally and with a class and with motivation and i guess im also underwhelmed #like i have. shit to do. and things id rather be doing. im doing none im just sitting there feeling useless #i. just told a classmate i didnt start my assignment at all yet not even read the material #and he said it makes sense you were a bit sick im sure youll feel better and be able to do it #and i told him that hes wrong bc i would have been able to at least read the material before getting sick #and that if i was doing okay i would still be in the same situation #i. i dont. think i should be having this conversation with him #i dont. know why im doing this. i want to kms #i mean he has talked to me once when he was struggling he broke the mental illness barrier but i dont think i should be passing it either #i feel like i should stop saying whatever the fuck i am saying idk why i started idk if its too late for that #editing my tags to ad more bc i dont want to make another postabout this #yes i made a mistake. idk how to reply without going further into the conversation #'you could do what you told me and do the text to speech thing you sometimes do when you struggle to focus' my guy. my man. i cant #idk what to tell him that isnt an 'i cant even start that i can only open the documents i cant do more than that' i made a mistake #idk how to lie my way out of this idk how to just say 'yeah i should do that' or something and thats it #i mean i guess i do want to have someone to tell them how im actually doing but i dont. think its the right thing to do #also i want to throw up and cry and die and if i knew where our thermometers were id check my temperature #yeah my brain is barely working so since i feel my options are actually answer or ask him to forget i asked #i am asking him to forget i asked #i do feel awful and stupid but i dont think actually replying is good and i dont have another way to do so