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blxetsi · 3 years

Text

modern levi ackerman dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

levi ackerman x gn!reader

- firstly, lets get love language out of the way

- i think his love language would be acts of service

- so like, he'll brew your coffee for you and set out your favourite mug when he goes to the kitchen to make his tea (bc we all know he'd wake up earlier than you 🙄)

- or he'll pick up a muffin from your favourite bakery on his way home

- or if you ask him to remind you to do something later, he's immediately writing it out on a sticky note and sticking it somewhere youd notice

- he notices youre getting low on your favourite moisturizer ? or lipbalm ? he's taking a picture of the packaging and getting it the next time he drives past walmart or smth

- he just does little things that help make your day better

- now i feel like a lot of people say this already, but he is NOT very comfortable with public displays of affection

- its not that he doesnt like it when you touch him, or hold his hand, or kiss his cheek, he just gets flustered and feels like everyone is watching you two

- but one thing he does allow is looping your arms together while you walk, especially in crowded streets

- it doesnt mean he doesnt like being close with you, he just hates doing it public. when youre alone ? hes ALL OVER YOU.

- "will you play with my hair ?"

- "levi im working."

- "okay can you multitask ?" motherfucker 😐

- doesnt matter if hes the big spoon or little spoon, just being close to you is enough.

- also would try and get used to your love language

- if your love language is physical touch hes genuinely surprised by how many times you put his hands on him each day (NOT in a sexual way) like even his mother never touched him as much and he's a momma's boy 😳

- when you wake up your coming out to the kitchen to fill your coffee, but not before kissing the top of his head as you walk past

- then youre guzzling down your coffee like its water before putting it in the sink and walking back, petting his head in the process

- you'll hug him while hes cooking, or brushing his teeth. youre giving him kisses before he leaves and when he comes home, just little small acts of love, but it happens so frequently that levi cant help but notice it

- your love language is verbal affirmations ? youre getting your coffee while saying "goodmorning beautiful"

- "i love yous" are thrown at him a lot, they never fail to make him feel better

- youll compliment this man and he short circuits for a second, quickly gets used to it as time goes on

- also too i think he'd be taller in a modern au, but not very very tall like erwin, im talking 5'7" to 5'9"

- and he's fine with his height, it doesn't bother him that much, he's the average height of a man so what's the big deal ?

- also he really doesnt care about height either. youre shorter than him ? cool, that means he can bend down to give you little forehead kisses. around the same height as him ? awesome, that makes it easier for him to give you a peck on the lips. taller than him ? mf he'll climb you like a tree if he has to. really doesn't care.

- also doesn't have a preferences for body type or anything. he thinks that character is way more important than looks 100% and he'll always find different things about you beautiful. your laugh is weird ? k now he's making you two watch a john mulaney special to so youll laugh. hate your belly and wanna lose weight, he's holding you and telling you to only lose weight if you genuinely want to be "healthier" and not so you get skinny. your acne scars bother you ? he's kissing your cheeks a lot more than usual, but you can't complain. literally Loves Every Part of You

- also i think his family would absolutely ADORE YOU and his friends for that matter

- miss kuchel is pulling you into a hug the first time she sees you, and is so accomodating and sweet. shes genuinely interested in your interests and what you do for a living, and will NOT hesitate to get levi's baby pictures out if you ask.

- his uncle ? he probably wont be there for the family dinner, but then kuchel's gonna call him up like "levi's s/o ?? absolutely spectacular !!" and then hes like "huh maybe i gotta come visit to see the runt and his lover"

- also i think in a modern au, kuchel wouldve gotten really sick when levi is a boy, so kenny would have came home to take care of his sister and try and take care of levi. in the end she got better, and he went back to his own home, but now she requests that he come for at least one family holidy so they can all spend it together

- BUT back to mr. ackerman

- idk what he'd do in modern times, i used to think he'd be a good english professor for a university, but then i saw a headcanon that he'd go into law school and become a lawyer, and honestly ?? it makes sense

- after a long day at work he just wants to come home to you, he'll find you on the couch reading or doing some of your own work, so he'll just slip off his coat and blazer and undo his tie while slipping off his shoes by the door. before plopping his head in your lap and requesting you to play with his hair.

- if you don't live with him hes taking a shower and then immediately calling you asking to come over. if you can ?? great he'll be in bed waiting to be spooned. if not, thats fine, but levi would like to facetime and rant.

- also has the absolute WORST road rage

- "that little prick cut me off !"

- "levi he's taking his driver's test !"

- "so ? i hope that instructor doesn't give the idiot a pass 🙄" and then will immediately honk his horn at the poor kid.

- also wouldnt be a clean freak like in canonverse. his whole "everything has to be spotless" stuff stems from trauma, specifically being left in an apartment with his decaying mother for weeks on end, but since kuchel is alive that never happens

- were things a little hectic during the time she was sick ? sure ! but kenny always tried to tidy up a bit when he saw it was getting to levi.

- levi just likes things to be neat and tidy, he doesnt do a deep clean of his apartment every two weeks, but always makes sure to clean up his messes as soon as they happen

- also doesnt like to fight

- his mom raised him with the idea that communication is key, and always encouraged him to "explain why hes upset" so they could work together to come up with a solution

- its something hes taken with him to adulthood, and even though sometimes he sounds like hes talking to a child when hes trying to get you to "use your words" he really doesnt mean to

- if youre yelling at him he'll stand there like 😐 and wait until youre out of breath so he can say "okay lets talk about this"

- is also very handy

- have a hole in your wall ? hes coming over to fix it

- need a lightbulb changed ? hes got u dont worry

- you need to assemble a piece of furniture ? he glances at the step by step guide once before hes putting it together

- hes so great at that stuff, and you only have kenny to thank

- literally when kenny first came to stay with levi and kuchel when she was sick, the kitchen light went out and he asked levi to screw another lightbulb in, the poor kid stood there like 🤨 and when kenny said "what ? you don't know how to change a fucking lightbulb ?" levi shook his head and said "uncle kenny im seven 😐"

- kenny was APPALLED. and immediately made it his mission to make levi as handy as himself.

- also, dates with him are rlly lowkey.

- he likes being in your company, so staying home and ordering take out is AWESOME in his opinion. sometimes he'll dress up and make a fancy meal with you.

- if you like going to carnivals and stuff, he's reluctant but eventually caves. wins you a lot of the prizes.

- "fuck. this shit is rigged y/n"

- "sorry levi, lets go do something else !"

- "what ? no. give me another dollar im getting you that fucking turtle"

- hange always wants to see you. levi makes it his life mission to keep you away from them as much as possible. not because he doesnt want you to get along with his friends, just because he knows that hange will spill some embarassing secrets from his college days.

- erwin ? hes okay but hes on thin fucking ice.

- also is very gentlemanly. will not only hold the door for you but for everyone. hes waiting in line for his order and someone comes up behind him and asks him to scootch so they can get some napkins ? mf its grabbing a handful himself and handing it to the person, wishing them a nice day with a small smile. hes just like,, a genuinely good person

- his singing voice ? immaculate. will he sing for you ? no.

- he also loves playing board games with you. like chess or checkers. you love playing board games with him and his friends, specifically monopoly. hange makes moblit form an alliance with them. mike is a lone wolf, and erwin and levi are always helping each other out until erwin betrays him. lots of trust is ruined between these game nights, but you literally cant bring yourself to care because its so fun to watch it unfold

this is my first headcanon thingy !! im v excited !! hope u all enjoyed 🤩✨ should i do more headcanons like these ???

- all in all, levi is a cool guy, and a cool bf.

#attack on titan #attack on titan fanfiction #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman #attack on titan x reader #armin arlert #mikasa ackerman #eren yeager #eren jaeger

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kikosaurscave · 3 years

Text

The Cheater and The Bear Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

10/6/21: PLSSSSS THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT ON THIS FIC BUT I HATE IT. I love the plot but i hate how i brought on the story towards the end, its boring, quick and sloppy as well, sorry for that. Ill touch it up...later🦖🦕

A/N: Kinktober, I dont know when Ill be encouraged/inspired enough to finish it, besides its obviously already overdue. This was written in a little under 5 hours and I think its pretty good.

The Angst isnt too bad, a bit of a weak ending but its alright.

F/F= Fav Food F/A=Fav Animal F/C=Fav Colour F/D=Fav Drink

Fandom: Boku No Hero Acadamia (My Hero Acadamia

Genre: Angst

Warnings/Contains: Angst. Slight/mentions of; Insomnia, Cheating, Abuse and Death(Reader), Sicknesses(Unspecified) and Suicude(Not directly)

Word Count: 1,934

Angst Level: 2-3

—

Bakugou and Y/n have been dating since they graduated college, they live together and Bakugou has been coming home late because “his boss is asking him to do extra hours” y/n being a good girlfriend, stays up and waits for him to get home so she can help him calm down from the foul attitude he’d usually have.

—

Trying not to fall asleep most the time, she would rarely get some sleep just to make sure he’s alright.

What he really does while his GIRLFRIEND is slowly falling ill for his sake is gradually getting closer to his coworker, spending the late nights with her and not his own girlfriend.

—

Slowly, week after week he starts recognising the late hours he’d yell at y/n for ‘Not minding her own business’ when she asks ‘Where he was’ or ‘How he was’, he’d notice his coworker being nothing like y/n, for example; when y/n would hug him, he’d feel warm inside, not with her.

When y/n would compliment him, he could tell she meant it, but she didnt even bother to. When y/n would wait for him and care for him, though she didnt? It just wasnt the same at all, it felt useless, he felt weird, sad in fact, he didnt know how he felt but he knew that if he looked into the e/c eyes of the person he loved; he would practically fall apart.

—

Checking the mail when he arrived home to see a letter from their local doctor to his y/n and opening it to see that his girlfriend had a bad condition with no possible ‘cure’ or ‘last resort’ to help with her condition caused by stress and insomnia he was scared, he rushed inside the house, stressfully slamming the door shut and walking into the living room to find his what looked like a now fully alert girlfriend with dark bags under her widened eyes with her hair a little messy, she tried to keep it tamed, but the first thing she still asked him was if he was alright, then she checked his forehead for a temperature while he stared speechless at her, mouth ajared and eyes wide with regret, sadness, anything in remorse “Youre sick and you didnt tell me?” He managed to mutter out after grabbing a soft hold onto her hands, something he hadnt done in a while because all his touches to her were violent and dangerous, the way he just spoke to her was the calmest in weeks, months even because he had been noticing the raggedness in his throat whenever he left to work.

She looked down, sadly, “I tried telling you but you told me I was just lying and being selfish..” his breath hitched realising that she wouldn’t live because of him.

Sure she told him she was fine and he didnt need to worry or that it wasnt his fault but that only made him realise how selfless she was, how much she really loved him and how idiotic he was, he finally realised what an idiot he was, a dirty unloyal cheater is what he called himself, undeserving of the very person he vaguely remembered promising to himself that he would give his life and propose to, because, because? He didnt remember because his mind was poisened with the thoughts of the nights he spent with someone else.

He knew that the memories would rush into his mind either after she died or while he tried his best to care for her during her last few days, when he couldve been doing this for until they grew old together.

He didnt remember why he did what he did but he knew that would be the greatest regret of his life; destined to burn into his mind while he recited her very words about moving on and living his life as strong as he always did or at least now could-though she didnt say that last part herself, he knew its what he knows wont stay out of his mind.

—

And so the days went by, he had stayed home from work to comfort her while in denial about the inevitable death ((Unus Annus👀)) coming to her.

—

He gave as much love to her that he could, made her the food she desperately needed, made her feel as needed as she was to him, bathed her himself and made her feel comfortable.

Even when she knew he was cheating on her she never stopped loving him, making sure HE was alright even when her very own health was slowly dropping as the weeks passed.

She knew what he did and she still didnt stop caring for him and his health, not her own. She shuffled and shivered in his embrace, causing him to adjust the blanket on her while smiling softly, the other rested on her back hugging her closer to him.

When her breathing evened once again he continued thinking, ‘Was it worth it?’ He would sometimes think to himself while brushing her hair.

He remembered the time he asked her if he was that worth it that she would sacrifice her health for;

‘Was I that worth it?’ He asked her while he adjusted the f/a bag on her back, to which she sadly looked down and said ‘You werent supposed to find out, When that letter arrived I was supposed to leave after seeing how bad my condition is,’ he stared down at her in shock as she continued,

“If I had gotten to the letter before you and left it would all be a little better..you wouldve forgotten me and moved on, I know you wouldve. I didnt want to bother you anymore, so I figured it’d be better if I left and probably went and lived with Hanta or Jirou instead of dying and leaving my body for you to find..I didnt want to cause so much trouble for you..’ His eyed watered and so did hers when she looked up at him..

—

Driving her to what she knew would be her last festival and what he denied it to be, he held her hand as if it would be the last time he would ever get the chance to.

—

She pulled him weakly by the hand, taking him from ride to ride—while he complained about how it might not be safe enough for her to ride, she didnt listen though, she still dragged him on, the cycle kept on going with y/n taking him on rides wether he worried about her safety or not, she took him to get some food and candy from time to time, she even asked him to win the f/c bear for and he nodded.

—

They watched the fireworks with her arms wrapped around her new bear and her bag and his wrapped around her, he watched as she looked up at the bright lights in the sky, he noticed how they reflected in them.

—

When they got home, she didnt tell him that she felt more unwell than usual, she just told him that ‘I had a great night, ‘Suki. I really love you, you know?’ She hugged him while he wondered where this came from but didnt take much mind as he listened with a smile on his own, she then continued ‘When Im gone, I dont want you to be sad,’ she whispered, ‘Dont say that.’ He shook his head, arms wrapping atound her and hugging her close ‘Youll be fine, you told me youll be fine..’ ‘I know..I just want you to know that, I love you and I want you to be happy and smile, dont dwell on the past, I forgive you, you know that right?’

He nodded, picking her up and taking her to their room, undressing her and putting her pyjamas on then the same with himself while she climbed under the cover and continued, ‘I mean it okay? So dont think it was your fault’ ‘But it was’ he muttered, sadly. ‘It wasnt.’ He didnt argue, he just stayed quiet, contemplating and dwelling on how he knew it was. ‘Are you hungry? Ill go make you some f/f..’ he left the room, not waiting for an answer, leaving you to look down disappointedly.

He didnt want to listen because he knew what you were going to say. Weakly closing your eyes, your hands wrapping around your torso, you opened your eyes a few minutes later, you felt awful, you felt your time closing in you, you swallowed some saliva or at least tried to, you heard Bakugou walk back in and the smell of f/f invaded your senses, you looked up and he walked over with two trays, both holding f/f and f/d, you smiled a small smile that weakly faltered when he put the trays down on the bed and grabbed the remote to the tv in your shared room.

—

That night when he held you in his arms and ran his finger through your hair and you slowly faded away, youre heart beat faltering, to which only the bear you held—between you two chest to chest—could hear.

‘Suki?’

‘Hm?’

‘I love you so much you know that right?’

‘I know..I love you too y/n’

You smiled, hearing him as he spoke genuinely, he really did love you, he just didnt remember or realise that he did so much until he woke up the next morning, your time had come and gone, your heart—

—‘Y/n? Baby wake up, its time to get up’ he shook you softly, you still clung to both him and the bear between you both—faltered that night, it had finally given up and you had lost your last game—

—‘Y/n wake up!’ He checked your breathing, your pulse, anything he could think of to try and give himself some hope that you weren—

You didnt want to die unhappy but you didnt want to stress him or frustrate him when or if he found your body had you stayed and he didnt read the letter.

—t dead, to try and give himself some hope that you werent dead, but the large lack or little to none of heartbeat and the fact that you werent breathing only made the tears fall from his eyes faster—

Its not the time to dwell on the past anymore, you just had to focus on not being scared of what was to come next, so instead you took in as much of Bakugou as you could, you latched closer onto him and took in his warmth and tried to focus on the bear, the calm bear that basically had no idea what was happening around it.

—‘Please wake up, Please wake up’ he repeated while dialling Emergency Services—

At least Suki would have it to take care of him while you were gone. You closed your eyes, and let out one last breath, feeling his grip tighten on you, a tear ran down your cheek as death took you with a gentle touch.

—

—‘I love you’ Bakugou whispered to your grave, tears running down his face as he hugged the bear the won you at the festival the night you died in his arms..when the found his body and a note saying,

‘Bury me with the bear next to her -Katsuki Bakugou’

It turned out he really did love you?

#katsukibakugouxreader #bnha #mha #fanfic #xreader #angst #simpcave #original #kindabadending?#bakugoukatsukixreader

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undertaker1827 · 4 years

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JWJWNAKAAN PROMT 1 AND 4 WITH GRELL AND HER S/O ANS HER S/O JUST WATCHED GRELL REAP THEIR BEST FRIENDS SOUL AND GRELL SEES THEM WATCHING AND IS LIKE SHIT FORGOT TO SAY IM A REAPER!!1!1!1 I LOVE UR WRITING AND I KNOW YOULL DO GOOD WITH IT 💕💕 HOPE UR STAYING SAFE AND DRINKING PLENTY OF WATER

I am drinking plenty of water, I hope you are too! Thank you and I’m glad you enjoy my writing, and I’m so sorry this took me so long, I hope you didn’t think I’d forgotten you!!

Hope you all enjoy and have a look at my masterlist?

Today was going to be a good day. You had woken up early with the intent to get up and get out. It was summer, it was a rare occasion in which the sun was beaming down over London and it was overall the perfect day for your plans. More accurately the plans for you and you best friend. Today had been in the works for a long time, keeping you both sustained through cold days and times where the day had not been exactly right. You were going to meet each other at London Liverpool Street station, then grab the tube to the centre of the city. Breakfast was going to be somewhere along the banks of the Thames, probably sandwiches and a good, strong cup of coffee each. Then the day would truly begin. You were going to hit all of the major tourist destinations, despite having already been to many of them previously. You planned to visit some of the on location shoots of your favourite show, purely for the sake of taking pictures and being able to prove you had in fact been there. You were going Asian for lunch, though where more specifically you had not yet decided, and all out fancy for dinner. And if you didn’t get home until the early hours of the next morning, who was going to stop you? Especially given that your friend hadn’t been feeling so well recently. This was bound to list their spirits.

It was still early when you ran though droves of commuters at Liverpool Street, waving your travel coffee cup in greeting. Your friend lifted a hand in return, though even from a distance you could see they looked a bit pale.

“Hey, you alright?” you asked, a little breathless from having moved so quickly. They explained they had felt quite ill for the last few days, but absolutely rebutted your attempts at going home and postponing the day out. You had been planning it for too long, they said, and really, you were excited enough to agree. You were making your way along the South side of London’s great river, a quitter spot and certainly not on the average tourist information sheet, but it was very close to an on location shooting site. It was really just a case of finding the exact place…

“There!” You called out suddenly, briefly glancing over your shoulder to beckon your friend and then running full pelt, thrilled at your discovery. In your excitement, you failed to see your friend starting to lean heavily on a black fence, nor did you see them collapse to their knees and finally fall to the ground. Location confirmed, you turned to speak to your friend, only to find they were not there. Calling their name apparently did nothing either. Becoming increasingly concerned, you quickly retraced your steps, only to hear an achingly familiar voice speaking clearly from around the corner. A voice belonging to someone who claimed she was too busy with work to go out with you the Friday just passed. Your steps carried you forwards until you could see crimson flooding the now grey, drab street. So focused were you on the explosion of colour that you didn’t see what she was standing over.

“…August 1995, died July 18th, 2019 aged 24 years. Heart attack. No notes of interest.” With that you watched as your lover, your crimson Grell yanked a chainsaw out of the lifeless body of your best friend, having placed a stamp in a book and returned both to the pockets of her coat. “Apologies darling, you truly were so young. But there such is life, yes? Now I have to-“

“Grell?!” The scream ripped through your throat before you had time to second guess it. “What the hell have you done?!” Grell flew around to face you, coat flaring out to frame her body and hair whipping around her head, the bloody chainsaw held out to the side with a strength you hadn’t know she possessed. You were knelt on the ground by your best friend in seconds, holding their hand and whispering to them, illogically trying to get a response, any response. Focused as you were on their body, you hadn’t seen Grell’s eyes widen at the sound of your voice, nor had you noticed the shock passing over her features or the realisation adorning it not a moment later.

“I never told you...” Grell breathed, amazed by her own carelessness regarding someone she cared so much about.

“Never told me what?” You choked out, looking up through the mist coating you vision. “Never told me what?!” Grell’s typically concerned look faded to something much softer, uncharacteristic of her outside of home. A quiet, sad air passed over her.

“That I’m a reaper.” You felt sick. You felt so sick.

“You just murdered my best friend and now you’re trying to play games with my mind? What the hell!”

“Y/N...” Gasping for air that didn’t want to come, you tried to push back your nausea, tears running down your cheeks and shaking your head. “Please, I know it was careless of me I just never thought - look it’s a lot to take in, I understand. But please listen to me. Look! My To-Die list, dispatch give me a new one every day. Y/N look!” She was desperate, you could see that. But even as you took the leather bound note book and glanced over your friend’s entry, you absolutely refused. This was utter madness. You trusted Grell, you were supposed to be able to trust her!

You threw the book back at her, uncaring as to whether she caught it or not. But when you turned back to the body laying next to you, your fractured heart broke to see someone already moving them. Eyes widening, you shook your head frantically and stumbled to your feet clumsily following after a man dressed all in black. He had a hearse pulled over in a tiny backstreet opposite to where they had been killed and he appeared to be taking them to it. He had already laid them inside by the time you got there.

“W-wait, please,” you whispered, emotion overwhelming your voice as you all but pushed past the stranger. “That’s my friend. That’s-”

You had almost reached their shoulder as a hand closed around your wrist, gentle but firm and strikingly cold.

“Come away, now,” the man murmured quietly, sliver bangs covering most of his face but his mere presence somehow calming.

“Undertaker,” Grell warned from over your shoulder, grip on her weapon tightening. ‘Undertaker’ raised a placating hand, carefully extracting yours from his hearse and starting to lead you back to Grell. When you realised this, you dug your heels in almost immediately.

“No. Don’t, she’s a murderer, she killed them!” You pointed behind you, trying to get this man to understand what had happened. Only he saw Grell’s face fall into despair.

“She’s not.” You paused in your protestations, raising the wrist he was still holding between you. What? “What she told you is true, she’s a grim reaper. They harvest the souls of the dead, they do not actively kill them. I can only assume it never occurred to her that she should tell you.” You turned, looking from Grell to Undertaker and back again.

“Y/N it’s true, I swear it,” she murmured, expression pained.

“Did you never notice her eyes?” Grell frowned, and you both moved to face Undertaker. “You must have, surely.” You moved to run a hand through your hair.

“Of course I noticed, I just... I thought the thing about chartreuse phosphorescent eyes was just a legend. I never realised, I never knew it was real!” Undertaker nodded.

“Understandable. I will have to go now, though. A fresh stiff always attracts too much attention.” His hand raised to silence your words before you had a chance to say them. “You’ll be able to see them again, just not right away. I’ve got my own job to think about.”

You and Grell stood in silence as the hearse drove away. It took you a while, but you eventually mustered up the courage to turn around, grabbing her elbow to make her walk with you and then quickly dropping it again.

“Will you explain? Please?”

“Of course,” she whispered. “As both myself and Undertaker already said, I’m a reaper. I only collect people’s souls when they die, I don’t kill them. It was her time.” Hands stuffed into your pockets, you glanced over to the river you were now walking besides.

“Could I have done anything?” Grell gave a small, sad shake of her head. You nodded in return. After another 10 minutes of silence, she spoke again.

“Can I do something? What do you need?” You inhaled deeply.

“I want to go home,” you started. “I don’t want to be alone,” was added more quietly on to the end.

“Hold onto my arm?” You glanced up at Grell, weighing up your options for a moment before deciding what the hell and then doing just that. The next thing you knew you were standing back in your apartment. Your incredulity was met by the reaper explaining a form of portalling was also something they could do. She looked at you calmly, silently asking what else you needed.

“Please just hold me?”

Grell nodded, dropping the chainsaw - which she had explained was actually a death scyth - and walking towards you, proceeding to sweep her arm beneath your legs then carry you to an armchair, sitting comfortably with you curled into her. Head resting on her shoulder and eyes slightly glazed, she drew gentle patterns along your back.

“Thank you.” It came out as a hushed whisper. Grell shook her head, squeezing you tightly to her.

“I’m so sorry.” You just nodded, squeezing your eyes tightly shut and trying to make sense of everything. You thought it would take a while.

#black butler #black butler grell #black butler grell x reader #black butler grell sutcliff #grell #grell sutcliff #grell sutcliff x reader #grell x reader #female grell #black butker x reader #black butler reader inserts #kuroshitsuji #kuroshitsuji x reader

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will-i-everape-my-despair · 3 years

Text

my life

okay where to begin when i was young or when i wasnt?

alright ill start from the beggining

it wasnt a great life

well not ideal anyways

when i was born i almost died, my mother was diagnosed with post natal depression in spain, yeah i was born there ....when having to move to australia because spain isnt good with that sorta support .......my dad said he would come

he lied

he cheated on my mother and decided to marry someone else, meanwhile my mother braught her one and only daughter with her, me

i loved my mother because everyone else didnt like me , or atleast because of my mental contition they thaught i wasnt worth anything , i became dependent , and knew a world where you wernt huged nor kissed often, you had to grow up fast or youll be left behind .....mum helped of course but .....idk i wasnt an easy child to take care of , i didnt understand most things like love, respect ect i.....i dint understand emotions , she had to teach me to emote and to sleep, at least thats what she said

when i first moved it was an expierience but , from then on my scheduales got stricter and my mother would get violent for no reason i thaught , i didnt uunderstand why she got so mad , i wasnt the best child but i never knew why

she hit me pulled my hair blackmailed me berated me ABUSED me

and yet

i still loved her , because when all you are taught was despair .......how can you see it as bad?,

expecialy when the world was against you

======

i moved schools , into a new area it was fun....i was scared at first ....and it was also my first taste of hope i prefferred school over home why? well....my family aint the best i was often the scapegoat for my cousins actions , which just made the family hate us more ......except my grandparents i was either sheltered , or mum just didnt have time to teach me idk but my aunties not my mother would take care of me....when i was very very sick .....mum had to work

from here it gets fuzzy

i only remember a few things , when i was sick being forced to go to school, we never celebrated halloween like ever , i didnt do my homework because i would weasel out of it , and for the longest time i felt well.....sick .....inside or outside no idea i thaught is was depression, mum asked me why i feel like that and said then i dont have it

====

we moved again

more like we got kicked out

and then

from there

mum only got

WORSE

we moved into someone named tonys house .....he was....to put it simply, a piece of shit , how mum fell in love is BEYOND me he....liked to make mum mad....and sick her on me by running out of the house from here ........i developed insomnia , my pillow was more full of tears than dreams , and tbh i had horrible nightmares , when i told mum she didnt look concerned.....well her eyes never showed it not that i knew ......i was .....always medicated but .......this was new i felt

lost broken void emotionless empty expecialy after my cousin made me his little prostitute

still i was expected to work, my hair that used to shine like gold in the sun....lost all of it and my hair started turning white , i have more grey hairs than the average teen my sparkle was long gone....and i hid myself in the world of my mind and technology, eye baggs were visible and i dint do anything heh kinda like now.....i went to tutoring....i avoided work like the plauge around this time however mum told me about her old faith....Jehovas Witness i was sure why not i at first ....it seemed so lovely and i actively participated at this point i was in high school ... the family was in conflict...and school wasnt much better then came....the dreaded ......scrunchie incident did i mention i was never left alone at home? because i was in highschool and still going to day care well i made friends in this little toddlers day care and well...i was invited to a party.....i just had a shower and lost the scrunchie i always wore and still do wear mum became enraged pulling my ears my hair making me hyperventilate ...i might of died no idea thank god abuello saved me after a while of tonys bs, and becoming completely dead inside i....we moved again i was still a JW but then......i became less trustfull of anything and anyone ....i looked at it .....and saw how condtradictory it was i saw how bad the school system really was .....the more i searched on the net the more i learnt .....and the more i learnt the more i knew...

something was WRONG

then last year in yr 10 maths......is the devil...expecaily the advanced stuff ....lets just say school wasnt safe anymore and math class made me pass out due to stress mum would hit me over homework, or throw my books in fits of rage then told me its YOUR FAULT i do this , YOUR FAULT that im breaking jehovas laws! and i actualy faught back after she nearly bashed my head in ..........i .....the iron my grandma died two years ago

english class wasnt too bad, but this one asssignment mum re wrote the whole thing ..........because “it didnt make sense “ i told her to shove it and not to be infolved in my work anymore

i hate school the***pists ......i was overwhelmed......and at the end of the year i ......broke.....BAD....i told all my fellow classmates everything i had experienced........................to come home.....get called by my mother......and get yelled at .....over the phone.....for telling the truth......not because she was scared for me.....but because of her reputation.....she yelled at me and berated me.....i was still breaking and in a flash a thaught one single thing “would anyone care if i died?” “if i died would mum be happy and free from me” “maybe i should go im a waste”

i grabbed a knife held it to my chest and couldnt do it i thaught of my family, my friends and how they might feel

only to get berating texts and yelled at by my auntie

then......yr 11 poped up and the acedemic sprang into place ....mum and i ......dont ....arent.....we arent compatible i found out after this it was online work....my ADHD ass couldnt DO that....and what was worse my alters made themselves KNOWN ha ha hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA killer kit my mother with a bottle and she whined of how i could of killed her....i distrusted him after that i cried in the kitchen...laughing like a phycho ... .................. ............................ and they were very distracting towards my work....which is what CAUSED that in the first place term 2 well i found a friend group on line they are angles really they are

tbh before yr 11 i was a bit better but now i had well ALOT of appointments that i dint want that didnt help and the kids ......liked making me scared term three is now my grandpa died i finnaly cut myself off the JW i told mum how i felt , the truth like she WANTED she told me im spinning things that im abusive that shes a servant i know i dont do much.....but my boddy is broken....i dont have motivation and this place keeps me sane and alive one more year in the chambers of despair and when that year is up the frail angel that lost her wings will be given the power to soar to hope once again

#idk #look this is a depressing blog #tw abuse #tw suicide #tw death #tw despair #will i ever excape?#or am i forever destined to live in despair

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andystanberg · 7 years

Text

~ still not gay ~

Word Count: 2 800

Genre: chat fic, coming out, coming to terms with sexuality, humour

Pairing(s): phan, tiny mention of kickthestickz

Warnings: swearing, so many spelling/grammar mistakes (all on purpose as it’s a chat fic), mentioned homophobia, sexual humour (not a lot)

Summary:

crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat. PJ: what? dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay

A/N Shout out to the (formerly) ~ still not gay ~ chat, thanks for not believing I was straight. (Loosely based off my own unconventional coming out.)

AUGUST 12TH

dan is gay

crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat.

PJ: what?

dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay

PJ: you are.

crabstickzzz: SUCK IT HOWELL

LouiseP: Chris, Dan clearly isn’t ready for blowjobs yet.

dannyboy: IM NOT GAY

PJ: sure.

crabstickzzz: wat about ur crush on phil

AmazingPhil: His what now

dannyboy: i dont have a crush on phil

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: im straight guys cmon

PJ has changed the chat name to dan is in denial and gay.

dannyboy: oh for fucks sake

dannyboy: seriously guys im 100% sure im straight

PJ: sure.

AUGUST 15TH

dan is in denial and gay

AmazingPhil: Why is the name always about Dan

LouiseP: This group chat is dedicated to whether or not Dan is gay. And memes.

crabstickzzz: thats all we talk about so theres no point in creating another

PJ: i’ve been in this group chat for two days and it’s true.

dannyboy: why does it matter what i am

crabstickzzz: bc u wont admit ur gay! we r teaching u to love and accept urself 4 who u r!!!

dannyboy: bullshit

AmazingPhil: Maybe we should lay off Dan a bit

dannyboy: thank you filip

AmazingPhil: Never mind please continue

dannyboy changed the chat name to i hate you all

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil.

AmazingPhil: You’re not mad, are you?

dannyboy: no

AmazingPhil: Sure?

dannyboy: its fine. theyre joking and having fun. i just dont get why they care so much about my sexuality though

AmazingPhil: Maybe Crabstickzzz and PJ have a crush on you and Louise is trying to wingman both???

dannyboy: yeah right. can you imagine?

AmazingPhil: You never know

dannyboy: for starters, nobody has, or ever had, or ever will have a crush on me, and secondly, crabstickzzz and pj are dating

AmazingPhil: WHAT? WHEN? HOW?

dannyboy: well i dont know for sure but cmon

AmazingPhil: Oh good. I thought I had missed their big reveal

AmazingPhil: Also don’t be so sure about the crush thing

dannyboy: what? who has a crush on me?!

dannyboy: PHIL LESTER ANSWER ME

NOVEMBER 20TH

i hate you all

dannyboy: GUYS OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THE PIC ZAC EFRON JUST POSTED

LouiseP: Who’s Zack?

PJ: oh boy.

dannyboy: HOW DARE YOU! ZAC**** IS THE ACTOR OF TROY BOLTON AKA MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

AmazingPhil: I JUST SAW IT TOO HE LOOKS SO GOOD

dannyboy: I KNOW RIGHT?????

LouiseP: daNIEL

PJ: HAH KNEW IT.

dannyboy: what

crabstickzzz: ur not good at being straight, my friend

dannyboy: oh come on! i may be straight but im not BLIND!

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: phil back me up!

AmazingPhil: Dan has a point.

crabstickzzz: spoil sport

crabstickzzz has kicked AmazingPhil from the chat.

dannyboy: OI

LouiseP: Chris, add him back in.

crabstickzzz: fineeee only cause ur scary

crabstickzzz has added AmazingPhil to the chat.

dannyboy has changed the chat name to welcome back fil.

AmazingPhil has changed the chat name to chris sucks.

dannyboy: i second that

crabstickzzz: wat did i do???

PJ: you’re really asking yourself that?

NOVEMBER 25TH

chris sucks

LouiseP: It’s been five days are you all dea?

crabstickzzz: yep im so dea

LouiseP: Oh shut up, like you can talk.

PJ: he never stops talking. don’t encourage him, for my sake.

crabstickzzz: do not

AmazingPhil: Do too

PJ: do too.

dannyboy: do too

crabstickzzz: alright i get it

LouiseP: Do too.

LouiseP: Whoops.

crabstickzzz: watevr

crabstickzzz: so dan have u figured out that ur gay yet

dannyboy: for the last time, im like 99% sure im straight

PJ: that’s 1% less than last time.

crabstickzzz: progress!!!

dannyboy: no its just that if evan peters wanted to fuck me, i wouldnt say no

LouiseP: Hardly anyone would.

dannyboy: see? it doesnt prove anything

AmazingPhil: well…

dannyboy: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE

PJ: welcome to the dark side.

AmazingPhil: I just go for whatever side is winning! Can’t blame a man for surviving

dannyboy: thats not the saying

AmazingPhil: It is now!

dannyboy: weve been over this! you cant steal sayings and try to change them

AmazingPhil: I just did

dannyboy: why am i friends with you

crabstickzzz: bc u like him

dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ still not gay ~.

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: You say that a lot.

PJ: it’s because it’s needed. if dan didn’t deny the blatantly obvious, i wouldn’t have to be sarcastic all the time.

crabstickzzz: dont lie to urself

NOVEMBER 27TH

~ still not gay~

dannyboy: oh my god oh m y god

AmazingPhil: What?!

dannyboy: fcukin evan peters in ahs

AmazingPhil: ARE YOU WATCHING WITHOUT ME

dannyboy: maybe…

AmazingPhil: BETRAYAL

crabstickzzz: gayyyyyy

dannyboy: fuck off let me have this chris

PJ: yeah chris, fuck off.

dannyboy: thanks pj

PJ: it’s okay. also...

dannyboy: what

PJ: gayyyyy.

AmazingPhil: Okay but Dan has a point

LouiseP: True!

dannyboy: phil and louise are my only friends

crabstickzzz: danyul they both like guys doesnt that say something

dannyboy: psh whatever

DECEMBER 25TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: ugh im stuck with sucky wifi away from home :(

AmazingPhil: Aw! Does that mean no skype tonight?

dannyboy: im using my data rn and its so slow, skype would be a nightmare. sorry phil

AmazingPhil: I’ll see you when you get back, then.

dannyboy: yeah :)

crabstickzzz: ugh stop flirting

PJ: yeah, get your own chat.

LouiseP: I think it’s cute.

dannyboy: yeah okay im leaving

PJ: he didn’t deny the flirting part though.

JANUARY 1ST

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: new years and no one to kiss wow what a surprise

AmazingPhil: My offer still stands ;)

LouiseP: WAIT, WHAT OFFER?!

crabstickzzz: yeah wat offer

PJ: is no one gonna..?

PJ: okay fine I guess I’ll have to do it.

PJ: gayyyyyyy

AmazingPhil: I wish

dannyboy: keep dreaming philly ;)

LouiseP: I ship it.

PJ: join the club.

dannyboy: can anybody read what the title of this chat is

crabstickzzz: we can we just dont care

PJ: the only reason no one has changed it is because of its irony.

JANUARY 12TH

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil

dannyboy: ahH EVAN PETERS

AmazingPhil: Dan are you sure you’re not gay

dannyboy: well i mean i have liked girls before so even if i did like guys i wouldnt be gay

AmazingPhil: Bi?

dannyboy: maybe idk

dannyboy: but anyway EVAN PETERS

JANUARY 16TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: this chat is so quiet

AmazingPhil: For the first time in forever

dannyboy: did you literally just reference Frozen

LouiseP: What’s wrong with Frozen?!

AmazingPhil: Yeah Dan what’s wrong with Frozen

PJ: he probably thinks its gay lmao.

crabstickzzz: dans literally the epitome of no homo

dannyboy: wow what a big word you used there chris

dannyboy: do you even know what it means

dannyboy: also i’ll have you know i have proudly never said no homo

AmazingPhil: I’ve tested that ;)

PJ: WOAH WHAT DID PHIL JUST MAKE A DIRTY JOKE?

LouiseP: PHIL, I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU TO BE A GOOD CHILD.

crabstickzzz: DAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM

dannyboy: wouldnt you like to know

crabstickzzz: wht te h fcuk

PJ: … GAYYYYYYY.

LouiseP: I second that.

AmazingPhil: I hope that

dannyboy: that doesnt make sense

PJ: okay, straight boy, he meant ‘fil hopes you’re gay, as in attracted to boys, no “no homo”’.

dannyboy: im not an idiot

crabstickzzz: debateble

dannyboy: debatable* dumbass

JANUARY 30TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL MY BEST FRIEND

LouiseP: Happy birthday! Wow, January went by quickly.

dannyboy: yeah can you believe that Phil Lester created January and the world was so hyped for his birthday it sped up time

PJ: oh my god, guys, holy shit.

crabstickzzz: what

PJ: DAN DIDN’T TALK ABOUT HOW BIRTHDAYS ARE A STEP CLOSER TO DEATH. AM I ALIVE?

crabstickzzz: hoLY FUCK UR RIGHT

LouiseP: Dan, you feeling okay?

dannyboy: jeez sorry for wishing my friend a happy birthday

AmazingPhil: I thought it was sweet

crabstickzzz: yeah we get it u love each other

PJ: they’re so cute but so gross.

dannyboy: i dont like phil cmon guys

AmazingPhil: I thought we had something :( you even forgot to talk about the inevitability of death for me :((((

PJ: hey, at least he didn’t say he doesn’t like guys or reference the chat name.

FEBRUARY 3RD

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: ugh people suck

AmazingPhil: What happened?

dannyboy: nothing

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: You can tell us, Dan.

crabstickzzz: as long as its not blackmail worthy bc in that case dont be so sure

LouiseP: Chris.

crabstickzzz: i was joking, ofc he can tell us

dannyboy: nvm, i said it was nothing

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil

AmazingPhil: Seriously what happened

dannyboy: one of my old friends from uni keeps asking me when im getting a girlfriend or making jokes about my lack of love life every time he sees me and im sick of it

AmazingPhil: You’ve complained about him before and it you never seemed too bothered

dannyboy: yeah well…

AmazingPhil: ?

dannyboy: i know it shouldnt bother me but this time when i tried to ignore all of his questions about getting a girlfriend or whatever he said “you’re gonna turn gay and be alone”

dannyboy: like i know gay isnt an insult but at the same time it bugs me? is that wrong?

AmazingPhil: I don’t think so. Maybe it was just that he said something like that in the first place

dannyboy: maybe… or like some internalised homophobia idk i feel shitty

dannyboy: im just so tired of everyone asking me when im gonna get a relationship

dannyboy: my mum has been making hints at it lately

AmazingPhil: I love your mum but everyone should back off

dannyboy: this is cheesy but you’re the best

AmazingPhil: No problem <3

dannyboy: <3

FEBRUARY 4TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: youll all be happy to know that i almost accidentally kissed a guy today

crabstickzzz: o H YM GOD DANYUL WELCOME TO THE GAY SIDE

dannyboy: a l m o s t + a c c i d e n t a l l y

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: i thought you had stopped with the sarcastic sures

PJ: keep dreaming, howell.

crabstickzzz: shut up time for the important qs

crabstickzzz: was it fil

LouiseP: Please for the love of god let it be Phil.

AmazingPhil: Let what be me

dannyboy: they’re freaking out over the almost kiss

AmazingPhil: Oh! Sorry guys, it wasn’t me

crabstickzzz: NOOOOOOOOO

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: Liesssssssssssssss.

dannyboy: it was this cute guy who ive been friends with for a while and we were messing around and whispering in each others ears to waste time during some meeting that was probably important and i turned just as he was whispering something and our lips almost touched

dannyboy: we jumped back just in time

PJ: there was so much gay in that that I can’t even form a coherent reason as to why it was gay.

AmazingPhil: Can you believe that Dan cheated on me :(((((()(09()

crabstickzzz: CUTE GUY? WHISPERING IN EARS? HOWL U R GAY OK

PJ: good news, chris just said my reasons for me.

LouiseP: Who’s the lucky guy?

dannyboy: first of all, weve been over this. i know when someone is cute, guy or girl. second of all, we were whispering creepy stuff like “mayonnaise” to try and freak each other out and third of all, not telling because id know you guys would stalk him

AmazingPhil: I know who it is ;)

PJ: i bet it’s phil.

dannyboy: nope. i said CUTE guy

AmazingPhil: HEY!

dannyboy: kidding. but no, it wasnt phil

FEBRUARY 8TH

~ still not gay ~

LouiseP: Alright, for today we put a halt on the usual Dan is gay discourse.

dannyboy: thank you friend

PJ: why? did someone die?

crabstickzzz: BREAKING TRADITION IS NOT ALLWD!!!

LouiseP: Shush, let me talk about a cute guy I saw today.

LouiseP: Anyway how do I ask him out?

AmazingPhil: Wait until Valentines and anonymously get him a rose.

dannyboy: ask him out or let your feelings pile up and watch him inevitably move on because you’re too scared to make a move

PJ: talk to him on the internet until you become best friends and be gay oops i meant straight for each other.

crabstickzzz: love poems via mysterious skype calls no one gets to know the contents of

LouiseP: The last two are unrealistic. Who talks to a stranger on the internet??? Stanger danger!1!!1!

dannyboy: fil i think theyre picking on us

AmazingPhil: Fair enough

dannyboy: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

FEBRUARY 11TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: i cant wait to get nothing on valentines

LouiseP: Same.

AmazingPhil: Same

PJ: same.

crabstickzzz: sam

crabstickzzz: samr*

crabstickzzz: SAME****

dannyboy: this chat is so depressing

dannyboy: also learn how to spell

crabstickzzz: np

crabstickzzz: no*

FEBRUARY 13TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ not gay, but bi ~

crabstickzzz: I KNEW IR

dannyboy: shush

crabstickzzz: I FCUKIGN KNEWS IT

dannyboy: you saw nothing

crabstickzzz: YOURE BI

dannyboy: i was right about not being gay though

crabstickzzz: BUT I KNEW YOU WERENT STRAIGHT

PJ: WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT’S HAPPENIGN OH MT FGDPL.

LouiseP: PJ ISN’T USING FULL STOPS!!! HE’S BROKEN!

LouiseP: DAN, YOU’VE BROKEN ALL OF US!!!

dannyboy: I SAID I WAS 99% SURE I WAS STRAIGHT

crabstickzzz: I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG

dannyboy: NO YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY

dannyboy: WE WERE ALL WRONG

PJ: S T I L L.

AmazingPhil: This is so amusing

LouiseP: WHY ISN’T PHIL JOINING OUR FREAKING OUT?!

dannyboy: … might have came out already yesterday maybe haha dont kill me

PJ: WHAT?

crabstickzzz: FUK U FIL AND DANYUL

LouiseP: AND YOU’RE ONLY TELLING US NOW??????

dannyboy: yeah well coming out to phil was the first time ive ever done it so it was a little emotionally exhausted and i shook so much that i needed to recharge

AmazingPhil: He was so nervous but I’m proud of him

PJ: yeah, same.

LouiseP: I second that!

crabstickzzz: I FUCKING NKEW TOU WERE GAY

AmazingPhil: I thought we had gotten past this bit

dannyboy: chris, read the new name. im still not gay, just extremely bi

crabstickzzz: sry but i cant believe ur finally coming out

LouiseP: If you don’t mind me asking, what made you realise you were bi?

dannyboy: it all started with this one guy in high school who was so fucking hot and i had like a teensy bit of a crush on him and omg he was so pretty and one time i saw him literally leaning against a wall with his hair messed up and i died

dannyboy: i thought it was a one-time thing and i wasnt really sure if it counted considering ive only ever been attracted to girls before that, but recently ive just come to terms with that and the other thing

crabstickzzz: WHICH IS

dannyboy: nnnnnnnothing

PJ: sure.

AmazingPhil: Ha you guys aren’t on best friend level, so of course you don’t know

crabstickzzz: r00d

dannyboy: dont worry he doesnt know either, hes just being a little shit

AmazingPhil: Love you too

LouiseP: Can you imagine how much we would’ve freaked out over Phil’s message in August?

PJ: seasons change and people do too, apparently.

FEBRUARY 14TH

~ not gay, but bi ~

dannyboy: [image attached] someone sent me this chocolate rose with a note saying “- Voldemort” i wonder who that could be??!?!?

PJ: yeah, can anyone think of a super pale nerd who likes Harry Potter almost as much as Dan does and knows where he lives??? I’m coming up blank!!!1!!

LouiseP: Awwww, that’s so sweet!

crabstickzzz: barf

AmazingPhil: Thanks Louise I spent 2 whole pounds on it

dannyboy: spending so much for his boyfriend ew sap stop wasting money

PJ: bOYFRIEND?

crabstickzzz: WAIT I THOUGHT U 2 WERE JUST BEING WEIRD AND PLATONIC COUPLEY LIKE U ALWAYS R AND UR TELLING ME UR DATING

AmazingPhil: It turns out that the “other thing” Dan mentioned was him liking me

dannyboy: and also staring at his lips whenever he talks to me and thinkingaboutkissingthemmaybehah

LouiseP: CONGRATS, GUYS!

PJ: this is like my OTP.

crabstickzzz: *teenage girl voice* OH MY GOD MY OTP

dannyboy: lets leave before they start being weird

AmazingPhil: They’re our friends, don’t worry so much

crabstickzzz: so like did your first kiss involve tongue or

AmazingPhil: Yeah, bye.

crabstickzzz: he didnt say no

LouiseP: cHRIS.

dannyboy: if you must know, it involved NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

dannyboy has left the chat.

AmazingPhil has left the chat.

PJ: …there was definitely tongue.

LouiseP: Agreed.

#phanfiction #phandom #phanfic #phan #came out last monday (13th feb)#to the still not gay chat #came out to the very inactive class chat this sunday (19th feb)#(only like four people saw hah)#and am planning to maybe come out to my immediate group of friends tomorrow????#who knows #now time for the tags to promote my stuff #chat fic #coming out #humour #kickthestickz #homophobia mention

220 notes · View notes

kathryncalls · 7 years

Text

springboarding out of the friend zone

Yes, terrible title I know, but theres something I need to type out, something I need to air. Now I write this, it’s so horrendously typical but I’m still typing so lets see whether I can answer my own questions by writing it out. I feel like everyone else on the internet writes stuff that no one ever reads and it helps, so now its my turn.

I am so confused but so happy but so worried about getting my hopes up. Earlier I said that I’m so excited that I’m almost scared, and I know it’s because it’s too good to be true! You’re you and I still don’t know what that means. But you’ve been this ideal thing that I’ve always pushed aside in my mind, wanted to text because I just love speaking to you but have forced myself not to because we’re too good friends. Never in my life have I suppressed feelings because I genuinely couldn’t lose someone. If this weekend would never have happened then I don’t think I would’ve ever said anything. I know I’ve said 100 times that I don’t like her, but at the end of the day, if she was making you happy then I’m ok with that. It made me happy to hear you say that you were cutting the strings with her, I feel like you really do want me, which is so cool, honestly, it’s so surreal, and it’s stupid to say it’s surreal because surely surreal is going into freaking space, I don’t know it feels stupid to call it that either way. You told me how attractive you found me last night, which was adorable, I like that side of you, and I want to see more of it, but I’m still finding it weird. I want you be with you so much, and its something that Ive known would make me happy for a long time but it’s truly something that I’ve suppressed for years which feels weird to say, but I think that’s why I’m finding it weird to call you something less personal and stuff like that, and also to tell you how attractive I find you and what exactly I love about you. Ok, another thing, this is weird because at this point, we should be finding out about each other and getting to know one another, not telling you what I love about you, but because I’ve classed you as my friend for at least 18 months, I feel like we’ve jumped ahead 3 months… Its weird, I want you to take me on a date, but I don’t because its you, its us, but our first date would be so funny, so much fun, you make me laugh, you bring out the worst in me and your bring out the best, you make me happy to be me which is quite something. With him I felt like I was being someone that I was telling myself I wanted to be a little bit. He didn’t treat me like I wanted to be, but I held on and Im not sure why to be honest. I like to be treated like a princess, lets not lie, but I don’t like to be pandered too, I like to be strong in myself, I don’t want to be a house wife (that wasn’t a proposal, hypothetically) but at the same time, I want to cook you a nice meal for when you finish work, or iron your uniform whilst youre in the shower so you don’t have too. Im not a chocolates and flowers girl, Im a leave a note somewhere kind of girl, send me something that reminds me of us. I like to be a real unit with whoever I dedicate myself too, and I really do, when I dedicate myself to someone, now I know that you don’t do clingy, and I might end up coming across that way, its linked to the whole, me sounding pessimistic thing. I’m really really not feeling negative about any of this. I just do not want to screw it up, I can’t, for so many reasons! I can’t lose you as a friend regardless of what happens romantically between so I need to be careful how I tread here because I’m not prepared to lose you. See as I write that and think about it, maybe this is a bad idea because youre not as worried about our friendship as I am, you don’t seem to have these worries which could be such a bad sign, but at the same time, maybe its because you know exactly what you want? Another thing, you’ve told me multiple times that you’ve cheated before, never anything too serious but still, I cant cope with anyone doing that to me, let alone you, how am I supposed to maintain a friendship post breakup if you do that to me, I almost don’t want to give you the chance too…

Another thing. Distance. Realistically, we’ve both done long distance, and you say that the reason you cheated on her was because she wasn’t right, but you didn’t know that to start with, but now youre so sure, which is amazing, and I love that you think I’m right and that this is right, I agree so much, but again, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. ah shit I hate this feeling. And I keep having this argument with myself about whether its perfect or awful timing so here, pros and cons.

Great timing: You’re about to come home from spending 18 months in Spain, you’re not gonna be living at home, you’re probably going to be in London, you’ve got a job, you’re basically set

Awful timing: youre about to start your career, I’m about to move away from London, I’m about to go back into training, you might be miles away from London, our timetables might not match up

If you haven’t already got the jist, I am not letting this end sourly.

ah shit.

Anyway, finally, why I think you’re great: very intelligent, mature but immature, sociable, lovable, loved by mother, confident, amazing sense of humour, understands my love for the arts, cheeky, emotional, genuine, incredible gentleman and so so sexy, I don’t care how cringe it is, no ones gonna read this

we’re apart for valentines day too, which is weird because thatd be a great first date for us.. so do I send a card as a cute little joke, a serious card, or do I not even mention it? You know how much I want you to make all the first moves, I want to be asked out on date, I wanted to be kissed first, I want to be told I’m loved first ( a long way down the line)

Basically I just want to be excited about this and not have a million reasons why we cant do this cross my mind

we can do this,

no one is stopping us

theres no one to look over our shoulders when its just us, we live in the same town so visiting family together and Christmas wouldn’t be an issue

ahh stop taking everything so seriously, I try and run before I can walk, I think that’s where all the making the first move thing comes from, I don’t know

right now the best thing I could think to be doing is just isolating ourselves, running off to a city somewhere and submerging ourselves, without people watching, like you said, without people wondering why we look so happy, why I laugh at everything you say, why we lock eyes and pause for a little too long, (that’s another thing, when we went for lunch that time at Christmas, we kept locking eyes for just a few seconds too long, and please, I put a fucking dress on for you, you wore a suit, could’ve been taken as signs but I genuinely think we both, well I know for me this is the case, but I reckon we’ve deeply suppressed stuff for so long)

Ok ok, you wanna know when it really hit me that I wanted you for real… when you told me about A. Honestly. You’ve always been the one I’ve thought about when I felt shit in a relationship or when I’m alone, I mean please, ask K, he was sick of hearing about you no doubt, but I did love being with K before things got really hard, but that night when you told me about A in the pub, you know me so well, that ive no idea how you didn’t literally hear my heart sink. but again, supressed to and opted for ‘tell me more’.

I wish I could talk to you about all this, but its been a week since we kissed, that’s all, and 2 weeks ago you wanted to be single for a few years and now you want to be with me, easy for you to say when youre alone in a room in spain, homesick, will you say that when you move in with the boys and meet all the air hostesses, why the fuck do I think I can trust you? do I really think I can change you? like really? I want to think that youll dedicate yourself to me but I CANT LOSE YOU, I hope you understand how much this is paining me

you really don’t know this side of me, ive kept it from you on purpose

if I lose you I have no one

look who I turned too when I split up with H, and again with J and with K. you.

Who do I turn to when its you I split up with? Also, a huge part of my just wants a nice house out of the city where we can live together, with a puppy just us, but that's in the future...

Just come home Ben

(if anyone is still reading this, please, do share your thoughts - a very confused 20yo)

#confused #friendzone #inorout #dilemma #overthinking

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flauntpage · 5 years

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Big Plays in Big Moments – Observations from Sixers 117, Nuggets 110

On a night when Joel Embiid was dealing with illness, having had recent trouble holding food down, according to Brett Brown, JJ Redick did the heavy lifting for the Sixers.

Redick poured in a season-high 34 points, carrying the new-look Sixers into the fourth quarter, where the entire starting unit made contributions to close out the second best team in the west, a Denver squad playing without the services of Gary Harris and Paul Millsap.

With the Sixers holding a four-point lead at the 1:52 mark, two huge sequences won the game:

A bread-and-butter ’12’ pick and roll that resulted in a dunk and free throw for Ben Simmons

A massive Embiid block on Malik Beasley, with Tobias Harris keeping the loose ball alive. The Sixers came down the floor, Embiid hit another jumper, and the game was essentially over.

Big plays at the biggest moments. That’s how you win against top teams like the Denver Nuggets, especially when you’re trying to incorporate four new players who were just acquired this week and haven’t even had a chance to practice yet.

Play #1, which I mentioned above, is the same exact play they beat San Antonio with, the same blown defensive sequence, only this time Simmons was the guy given the space instead of Redick:

Simmons Stop, Go, Smosh pic.twitter.com/wkVeSkYjYW

— BBALLBREAKDOWN (@bballbreakdown) February 9, 2019

Instead of a blown switch, Denver blew the non-switch and Simmons took it himself.

I asked both Ben and JJ about the play.

Ben:

That’s the first time we’ve run that in a while, so I was kind of excited to get that back. As soon as I saw an opening, I took it to the rim. But there are so many different things we can get into and we’ve got to continue to build with the chemistry we’ve got here, Tobias and I, Boban, everybody we’ve got now, things are gonna keep going and we’re gonna get better.

JJ:

It’s just one of our finishing plays. That’s the same play where I got the four-point play to beat San Antonio. It’s just about putting the defense in a position to make difficult choices. They opted not to switch. I can listen to what my guy is calling. Sometimes he calls ‘switch,’ in which case I’m going to slip. If he’s calling ‘slip,’ then I know I can set a screen and Ben can make the decision. Sometimes that’s kind of hesitation and a late drive, sometimes it’s hesitation where the defense has a screw up and I’m able to slip for a late three.

At that point, Jimmy Butler jumped in and said, “there’s a lot of ambiguity to that play,” to which Redick replied, “I taught Jimmy that word the other day.”

As for the Embiid block and bucket, here you go:

Great defense from all five guys on the floor, and Joel is there to meet Beasley when Redick is beat off the drive. Harris keeps the ball in play, they move it up the floor, and I like the mental acumen there to slow it down and get the ball in Joel’s hands for the dagger. Embiid did all of that while being really damn sick last night. Before the game, he had a band aid over his left arm where the Sixers staff had hooked him up to an IV for fluids.

Gutsy performance from Joel last night at much less than 100%, a solid win, and great atmosphere at the Wells Fargo Center.

More observations:

Tobias Harris

They ran him through a horns set on the first play of a game, but couldn’t get a tough bucket near the rim. Still, it was the same way they incorporated Jimmy Butler, by getting him at least one call on the play sheet for his Sixers debut.

Harris hit his first shot on a transition three coming from a cross-court Simmons pass, then backed down Will Barton on the next possession to get a five-footer to fall. His next play was an assist on a Redick three, forcing a Denver timeout at 14-6.

It’s great to see your 6’9″ power forward identify a mismatch, back his guy down with relative ease, and get a shot to fall:

In the second quarter, he had another nice dribble-drive against a mismatch and then threw a cross-court pass to James Ennis for three ball on the next sequence. His ability to put the ball on the floor is excellent, night and day compared to watching Dario Saric try to do the same thing last year.

Harris finished with 14 and 8 on 6-12 shooting last night while hitting 2-3 from deep. He had some good things to say after the game about the crowd, the feeling of appreciation, and how every guy in the starting unit made plays down the stretch.

Harris on the starting five:

Especially coming out in the fourth quarter, I think that’s the big thing about our game today, you can play all types of ways, but when the fourth quarter comes its like well who’s going to get the looks, who’s going to get the shots for the team? What I really liked about the fourth quarter is just kind of like, ‘OK, it’s your turn, no it’s your turn, no it’s your turn, no it’s your turn,’ and we were all able to make plays and live with those plays, so I thought that was awesome to see in the fourth quarter to have the ball continue to move and hit the right hands and make the right shots, so that was big for us.

A story:

After the game somebody texted me and had a video of me smiling after a play. They said, ‘this is literally the first time I’ve seen you actually smile in a game,’ and I was like, ‘you ain’t lying.’ So it was cool to see that. I really had a lot of fun tonight. Just the team, the potential of us, the reaction from the fans. It feels good to be appreciated. I really felt that tonight and it was big for me.

Welcome aboard.

Boban Marjanovic

First big off the bench last night, and it made sense since Denver has been playing rather large through both Jokic and Plumlee. On other nights, Boban is not going to be the best matchup against smaller units.

He scored his first bucket as a roll man on a Butler PNR:

He’s a pretty good roller, isn’t it?

His first shift was about four minutes, then he back in around the seven minute mark of the second quarter and put together a couple of decent defensive possessions against Nikola Jokic.

But you see he’s pretty slow and fairly limited. He’s not gonna close out anyone on the perimeter, and I think he got whistled for a defensive three second call last night. Brett played him 14 minutes or so, and I think that’s probably on the higher end of what you’re going to get from him this year. If they can keep him in the 10-14 minute range and use him to spell Embiid and keep him fresh heading into the playoffs, that’s probably the best course of action with a massive guy who is a great rim protector but historically has had problems when people are able to move him around a bit.

James Ennis

He came off the bench with Boban in a swap for Joel Embiid and JJ Redick.

I thought he quietly had a really nice game, hitting a pair of open corner three pointers and grabbing three rebounds in 14 minutes of play. Both three pointers were chucked from the weakside corner on plays where Tobias Harris and Jimmy Butler sucked in the defense off the dribble-drive:

You’ll take that all day long from a veteran wing coming off the bench.

Ennis’ pick and roll and perimeter defense was very good on the evening and he got the admiration of the crowd with a nice second quarter hustle play and third quarter steal. He’s been around for a while, and if Ennis does what he did last night, that’s exactly the kind of bench production the Sixers have been lacking for some time now.

Mike Scott

The last of the new guys to come on, he was later put into a lineup looking like this:

T.J. McConnell

J.J. Redick

Furkan Korkmaz

Mike Scott

Joel Embiid

Those Korkmaz minutes will likely go to Jonathon Simmons moving forward. I think Simmons will make his debut on Sunday against Los Angeles.

Quiet night for Scott, who only shot 1-4, but he gives you some grit and some defense off the bench, and if he shoots anywhere remotely close to the 39% he’s averaged from three over the last three years, then it’s an upgrade over Mike Muscala and/or Wilson Chandler coming off the pine.

Other notes:

There was a portion of the third quarter where Brown ran out Butler with four bench guys (Scott, Ennis, McConnell, Boban). Not sure I’d put out any lineup without two starters on the floor, especially on a night like this one where you’re trying to work in a couple of new guys. Kyle Neubeck asked about it after the game and Brett Brown was a little bit flippant in his response, joking about how “you guys love to point that out,” or something along those lines. Funny, sure, but when you’ve got four stars in your rotation, shouldn’t two of them always be on the floor at the same time? I dunno, it’s the first game with a new group, so he’ll figure out the rotation moving forward.

Allen Iverson was REALLY into last nights game. On a late Tobias Harris three-pointer, he got out of his seat, walked 10 feet down the floor and said “mother fucker.”

Some dude in the lower bowl was being an insufferable prick, yelling at the dunk squad and telling them to sit down, yelling at the crew bringing in the Moses Malone halftime ceremony equipment, and yelling grade school level insults at the Denver bench. At some point, the guy sitting next to him (might have been his dad), caught a loose ball and rifled it back at the security guard before mouthing a cuss word at him. Both guys were total clowns.

Embiid shot 4-17 from the floor, but finished with 15 and 12 on the strength of 7-8 free throw shooting.

The Sixers were excellent from the foul line overall, hitting 29 of their 32 looks. That’s good for 90.6% and fifth best free-throw shooting night this season.

Korkmaz and McConnell didn’t miss last night, going 4-4 from the floor in limited minutes. Furkan had a nice put-back dunk to end the first quarter.

Butler took the fewest shots of the starting group, just 9, but went 14-14 from the free-throw line, which is ridiculous. He was again somewhat deferential shooting the ball, but contributed 22 points to finish behind only Redick last night.

I’d like to wish a happy weekend to everybody except that one guy in the comments section.

The post Big Plays in Big Moments – Observations from Sixers 117, Nuggets 110 appeared first on Crossing Broad.

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huggpheonix · 7 years

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Oc rae adventures

Ive never had a problem with casting my screwball brother out of my sight. Its no big secret he wSnt very popular with anyone except his friends. My brothers name was jeroge, and he was 13. 13 and very odd. Very.. Violent, Not violent in a way that endangered everyone. But in a very rugged way. He was very skinny and had styled his hair to be messy and multicolored. All he wore were band t shirts noo ne had ever heard of or maybe even liked. Im talking about him in a past tense because hes gone missing, we cannot find him. And.. Im running out of all the hope i can carry. As if i started with a huge armful, and now its just this twiggy tree. Ive decided to tell you this because anonymity is what makes mysteries great. You share your story and some people couldnt care leas, but others.. Others, they make sure to scrape every little detail they can get their hands on. Im Vincent, Im 20 years old. Its been 3 years since my rother went missing. And i miss his nerdy embrace. I miss him. It used to be that i searched for him everynigjt. I mean, every single night. I just couldnt fall asleep without going and looking for him. My mom... She.. Shes.. Not taking it too well.. Ever since Kevin came over with another woman and gave my mom cheap vodka and whiskey. Shes been laying around trying to avoid my gaze. I must remind her too much of Jeorge. We looked just alike. I make sure i got rid of the vodka and whiskey. And i put a balnket ariund my mom. I kiss her head lightly and fill up a glass with water. "Mom.. You.. You.. You need to take your pill.." She sits up and again looks down, I wait till she says nothing and slink away. Kevin.. Kevin really was a sick joke. I havent seen dad in all my life. That kind of makes me sad. I remember once him being there when Jeroge had almost died. Hed been fooling around with the medication in moms cabinet. The doctors had to pump his stomach and then he had to have surgery on his kidney. The chances were slim but jeroge had made it. He spent weeks after that recovering. I cant remeber his name. I look to my left and glance at the tree house next to me, Rae wiped the sweat furiously off of her forehead and upper lip and glared at Marasada. "Im not getting any better!" She growled. "In never garanteed youd get better, i said i would help you with your skills.. Obviously your skills arent any good, at all." "It fucking helps if you have metal plates protecting you, the only raid ive been on, i didnt pick up anything worth shit." She said angrily. "You watch your tone with me." Marasada warned steppping her boundaries further into RAe's space. Rae narrowed her eyes at the tall dark beautiful girl. "Or what." She demanded. Marasada only folded her arms. "Yeah, because wether you like me or not, you NEED this help. You need extra group members because your last raid, was a fail." She said without hesitation. Marasada only pushed Rae up against the tree. "Listen, your ego must be bigger and better than your skills, you havent hauled your weight at all.. Its your fucking job to get your own armor. I dont need ANYTHING from you. Youre a replacement, a faulty. Im just being polite. Maybe the reason youre not getting better is because, you refuse to let go of that fake image in your mind." Marasada finished flipping her hair over her shoulder. Rae pushed her forward. "I hate you." She said and then tip toed to kiss her roughly. Marasada pulled away and pinched her cheeks together. "I hate you more," she growled. She met her lips in a lust filled kiss and bit her lips. Rae groaned and gripped her forearms angrily. Leaving nail marks. Marasada left her lip bleeding. "Follow me. We will talk after." She demanded. She didnt give Rae any time to protest or to wipe the blood from her lips. She was honestly feeling helpless. How had that escalated so quickly? Was she weak? Marasada basically threw Rae into her tent and Rae hit the ground with force. She felt it in her hip, the one with her missing leg. She moaned. "You like it rough?" Marasada asked. "Not... Particularly..." Rae said apologetically. "Me neither." She said jokingly. She leaned over Rae and they made out for a couple minutes before Marasada slipped Rae's shorts off. Rae's breath hitched in her throat and all she heard was a shhh... Rae furrowed her eyebrows at the immediate intense feeling. She let out a whimper and the leader just giggled. Rae had never felt like this ever... She was enjoying this.. "Release all your tension.. Okay? It will make it feel better.." She suggested. "How?" Rae stammered out. Marasada stopped for a moment, just sort of teasing her. Playing with her. "Well... Rough play can really help somebody out. If you use proper safe words its alright. Its using your body's senses to gain pleasure. We can continue to spar after this, youll see improvement." She said matter of factly. Rae groaned falling onto her back. Marasada went back to her work. Afterwards Rae was outside. After that incredible time she had had, the leader had wanted her outside. In all honesty, she liked being bossed around by her. She liked her determination. "Okay, come at me with all you have." She whispered. Rae didnt need to be told twice. She sprinted forwards and went in for a kick to the stomach. Marasada dodged it and made a hit for Rae's exposed back. She landed squarely in her shoulder blade leaving a sharp pain. Rae winced and backed up hastily. "Dont leave your back exposed, ever." She warned. Rae nodded frantically. She rolled her shoulders and ran in again. Marasada managed to dodge and counter all Rae's hits. Meanwhile talking through it. It made rae mad. "Dont just come in and hit blindly, aim your hits, look at your opponents weaknesses, use it against them. Analyze their character. One cant win if the other is left to the full advantage." Rae was hit in the leg and she was down on the ground in a second. She grunted in pain and looked up at marasada, for any apology. "Like that." She said. She turned her back and began to walk away. Rae was up before she could even turn around. Marasada caught both of her fists. She kissed Rae, biting her lips and drawing blood. Rae tore away. "Take that as a warning. It is disgraceful to attack an unarmed opponent. Especially when their backs are turned." Rae's eyes sparkled with tears. "You look tired little wolf... Want a break?" She asked. Rae smeared the blood on her cheeks. "Fuck you," she spat. "Bad language is encouraged." Marasada teased engaging in her defensive stance. Rae rushed her with all her force and slammed the metal plated hand. Rae was holding her twisted wrist. "Fuck.." She groaned. "Thats a real shame.. Go see the healer. Come to me, when youre ready to listen and learn." She finished. Rae had limped her way, in quiet and mournful shame. She had just lost another battle! To the same infuriating girl... The know it all... Rae had managed her way through the tent doors and to her dismay, angekis came to her aid. "Rae! W-what happened?" She asked, concerned. Rae gave a small pained chuckled and with her help sat down on the stool. "I was training... In the outskirts of the fields.." She lied. Angekis furrowed her eyebrows. "You know, the fields are very dangerous, right? You need to go with a squad. Next time, you just give ME the word, and Ill go with you." She said carefully taking off Rae's shirt. Rae sat there letting Angekis's eyes roam her body for marks. She gasped. "These are brutal.. What attacked you?" She asked while she grabbed a bucket and filled it with water. Rae considered the question greatly. "A joklis, not terribly challenging.. Makes for a hell of a fight, though." She said weakly. Angekis gently and gingerly cleansed the wounds and bruises. Rae brought her hand to her lips and bit down on her hand. After she had finished, she felt a soothing tide wash over her. She closed her eyes. In her minds eyes she saw angekis trying to devoid any emotion at all, failing only slightly. Sparkling grey and green washed around the wounds. As she finished Rae sat up. When she stood she wobbled. Great. Her leg was fucked up. Angekis held her hands behind her back. "Rae, please.. Tell me anything.. Im here, always." She said. Rae nodded solemnly. She smiled. "Thank you.. For everything, Angekis." Rae limped out of there and sighed, thanks to marasada she now had only two hours of rest before their next raid. Knowing how she ran things, they would be leaving people for dead... And for some odd reason... Somewhere deep inside her, she didnt want that to happen. She limped all the way to the nearest shop and rapped with her knuckles. Eyes peeked out from the crevice between the boards and then the door creaked open. "Sorry to disturb your rest.. But my leg is messed up.. Can you help me?" She whispered and then the candles were lit. They revealed a dark skinned beauty with jade green eyes and blood red lips. She looked rae over once and then turned her back. Rae gulped. "I will help you.. On one condition.." She said circling her table and then placing her hand down on it. Rae pulled at her ragged shirt collar. "You tell me your name." She suggested thoughtfully, all intensity melting away as if she was a lifelong friend. Her eyes lit up and were now a bright green, her luscious red lips turning into a quirky grin. She wore a form fitting purple shirt which ended just below the ribs and showed her tattoes. The tattoos connected to a banner that hung around her hips, underneath was a skirt and fishnet tights. She again smiled awkwardly... All the girls here were beautiful. "R-Rae.." She managed to scrape out. The girl nodded and then motioned for her to sit on the table. Rae stepped carefully over and onto the table. The girl's radiant eyes scanned her leg in quick succession, before she pulled away. "What caused damage like this?" She inquired. Making light conversation while she moved around gathering tools. Rae watched her intently, finally sort of relaxing. This girl did not mean her harm.. "A joklis.. A wild joklis.. Not a very skilled one, but, im a rookie." She said scratching at her small scar beside her eyebrow. The girl returned with a saw, nails, and a hammer, and just gave her a knowing look. Before her eyes flicked back to what she was doing. Rae's on the otherhand were widening. The girl giggled and took out the saw first. "Relax.. It will be fine. Ive done this lots." She reassured before closing in. She was inches away from Rae's leg and rae was wondering why she didnt just forcefully do shit. It was like she was actually respectful to her boundaries. She searched Rae's dark pools before rae gave a tiny nod. The girl gingerly unclasped the leg and said a spell in quick tongue before removing it. Rae glanced away and all over the room. "This is your place?" She asked as she moved her head to get a good look in. The floor was all hardwood and was covered by a huge old fashioned rug, similar to that of the girl's banner. The table she sat on was placed on the corner right beside the opening to a darkened kitchen. A desk was in the middle of the room and on it were candles and maps and tools and the works. It was definitely homey, and had that feel to it. "The one and only, yes." She said and sighed a little, her eyes sad. For some reason Rae was sorry for the girl in front of her, and as she turned back, she was wondering why the girl wasnt making a clanging noise as she brought down the hammer again and again. Rae raised her eyebrows. The girl wiped her sweat away, and looked up again. "Ah... Its a silencing spell. It lets me work on all my projects without messing up, or waking anyone." She informed Rae. Rae nodded and brought her hands to her lap. She snuck a glance at her amputated leg and then turned away in disgust, how had she managed to get a leg cut off? Why was she the weak link.. The girl in front of her only gave her a sympathetic smile and put the hammer down. "Hey... Having an injury, it does not mean you are not strong... It merely means, that you tried your hardest and needed someone to help you. Youre that new person right?" She said all at once. Before returning her gaze to the leg in her hands. "Y-y w-well, i guess so... I dont remember much about my ending up here, but i know that i must have been attacked.. By something strong." She muttered. "Yes. It managed to get your whole leg! Im glad it didnt hit an artery." She said and then stopped her sawing. "You know, i was the one that made your leg. I tried to make it as efficient as one could, but.. I guess its maybe not the best.." "Are you kidding? It feels just like my old leg." She said and then softened her eyes. The girl blushed a little before continuing the straightening of the leg. "Well in any case... Im glad to have you here with us.. There. All done." She said as she gave it a once over and then clasped it back onto her thigh. Rae stood up with the help of the girl and then took a few steps to test it. In her first try she collapsed and the girl caught her. She helped her on the second try and soon Rae could walk normally. She turned to the girl and stuck out her hand awkwardly. The girls gaze softened and they shook hands. "Thank you.. For everything... But i didnt get your name." She said as they held that firm grip. "Astrin. Astrin Lekinley." She said and Rae nodded. At the door she waved to Astrin. And Astrin whispered to visit again sometime. Rae held her bleeding nose and swiped at her bleeding lip clumsily. She was shuffling quietly as she could back to the healing tent and she prayed that angekis not find her again, because she wasnt sure she could come up with a good answer. To her relief Angekis has left early and another healer patched her up, making light convo. He said to take care and she waved back to him. Astrin sat on the stone and beckoned her over. She was perched with a bucket of potatoes, just peeling them. When rae hit her with a puzzled look she just giggled. "These are for the fancy dinner we will all be enjoying tomorrow, in all the rookies honor, we do it for everyone. And its a good time to socialize." She explained. Rae smiled and sat down beside her. "Oh my god... What happened?" She asked concern in her voice as she dropped her knife and potato into the bucket. At the same time Rae thought she would drop the knife and she reached over clumsily so they both ended up with their hands on each other. Astrin's were on Rae's face and Rae's were on her hands. They both blushed and Rae flinched and took their hands away hurriedly. Rae smiled a lot at the little incident, and Astrin picked up the bucket again, She cleared her throat. "Im so sorry... I shouldntve... Really... That was so uncool.." She said. Rae shook her head furiously. "Astrin. Its okay." She said. Astrin smiled when she said her name. "Youve.. You got a piece of equipment, i see. Some shoulder pads, beads and... Oh! A piece of metal? I can work on a breastplate for you." She said happily. Rae looked at the poorly formed metal around her stomach and then agreed. "Would you?" "Metal is a specialty of mine, you know." She teased lightly and smiled softly. Rae's eyes lidded a little and they talked. About everything, their lives before the group.. Although they sometimes skipped over some parts. Rae didnt mention her dad and Astrin never mentioned parents. Rae helped Astrin peel potatoes until the sun came up. Astrin spotted it and then clasped a hand to her mouth. "We have been speaking since night.. We need to go to bed and then be on time for dinner.." She said worriedly. Rae only shrugged and picked up the bucket. "I can take that Rae.. Its no trouble, youre hurt..." She said gasping a little more when the light brought new bruises and cuts into focus."what happened..?" She asked taking the bucket against Rae's protests. "You need rest.. Im serious... Come to my place. You can crash there, i bet your tent is all cold." Astrin said warmly and gestering her to come. Rae followed Astrin and they both lay down on the floor, with Astrin having found blankets and pillows. They awoke later on to the rapping of knuckles on Astrin's door. Astrin groggily stood and walked to the door. She opened it and in stepped Marasada. She wore a cold look on her face at the sight of Rae. "I expected youd be in your tent. But i assumed wrong. Have you forgotten? We have a raid and a hunt today," she said and with that tossed Rae's fisher helmet at her. Rae caught it clumsily and put it down while she clasped her leg on. She was dressed from last night and then threw on her helmet. "I didnt forget. Why would i?" She asked as she walked out swiftly behind Marasada with a last look at Astrin. The girl only smiled warmly. Marasada spun around when she knew astrin was t there anymore. "What were you doing in there, huh?" "What is it to you? We arent together. Did it occur to you that i might have a sleepover here? No." She said satisfied. "Look. I like Astrin. Shes cool. But you stay away from her from now on. You made a commitment to me." Marasada spat out bitterly. Rae bit her lip angrily and crossed her arms. "Good." Marasada said shakily. They walked to the armorey and got Rae some handmedowns and a small metal dagger. (Rae wears white shorts, white tank top, bandages around her arms and leg, a metal leg from the thigh down and has a small dagger for safety at first. She is handed a fisher helmet to cover her for the meantime. Next she will recover metal sheets, clay beads and shoulder pads. Then she will gain meatl strips, better shoulder pads and a nice shirt. Then a jacket and pants, and gold bracelets. Finally she'll gain a purple head bandanna from Astrin.) Rae wiped sweat away from her forehead and bit her lip with anxiety. They were overhead a small lost group of refugees, who looked very sick and hurt. They wouldnt put up much of a fight. Rae hated this. She detested this with all her heart. It made her sick. Marasada made a bird call to her fellow raiders, there were five in total, and they descended upon them. Marasada jumped onto a helpless man and knocked him out. The baby in the small group let out a frightened wail as one of their gang members tied him up. Rae stood there frozen while all of them grabbed some of their meager supplies. Marasada tossed some shoulder pads, a shirt off the rack and a metal strip. She then raised her knife ready to kill when Rae tackled her. "What th fuck are you doing?!" Marasada screamed at her and struck her with all her force, leaving Rae with a bruised cheek that was split. She rolled off her. "Dont kill him! Please! Let him live... Please..!" She sobbed bringing a hand to her cheek and staunching the bleeding. Marasada's eyes and nose flared. She spat at the ground where Rae lay and stood wobbly. Drenays an older woman, furrowed her eyebrows. "Why did you striker her with so much force? We should spare these people, as she says. Shes a rookie. Marasada. A fucking rookie," she said forcifully. Marasada looked with disdain onto Drenays and then took a shuddering breath. "Youre right." She grumbled. Drenays look with satisfaction and then knocked the baby boy out. Rae winced and her cheek hurt even more. Derynises helped Rae to her feet and Marasada pushed past her, too mad to speak. "You all right? Took quite a hit there. You know, its not best to be on her bad side..." And with that her sleeve rolled up and revealed deep scars. Rae gulped and then tried for sarcasm. "So ive heard.." But it came out shaky and hurt. Derynises patted Rae's shoulder and helped her attach the shoulder pads and the nice shirt. "You dont have to feel bad for these refugees... It may seem harsh.. But.. Well. Im not sure i could help your conscience. Dont listen to me. Theres a feast in your guys's honour. All the rookies." She said tying up the shoulder pads tightly. Rae nodded grimly and bit her lip. "Derynises, Rae. We need to leave." A girl named kyndley, called following the already ahead group. "Come." She said warmly, and they walked. When they got back Marasada marched off to tell people what to do and Sile'a trailed along with her. Derynises advised Rae to see the healers and then ran off to her friends. Kyndley nodded at Rae and then left as well. Rae smeared some blood on her lips and neck to make it look less bad and then trudged off into the healer tent where an anxious and worried Angekis tended to her. "Rae! Oh my wood... What did this to you?" She asked dipping a wet cloth in some orange liquid. "A hubriy, we ran into one on our hunt... We caught quite a bit." She said dejectedly staring at the ground. "Rae... That looks an awful lot like a nail mark.." She said but didnt continue. Angekis finished healing her up and then patted her knee. "Tell me anything.." She pleaded. "Sure thing." Rae said with gritted teeth. She needed Astrin. "What the fuck happened?! Rae!!" She said and then examined the wound. "Hubriy..." She mumbled half heartedly. Astrin furrowed her eyebrows and her beautiful eyes swarmed with passion. "I.. I dont want to pressure you, Rae... but feel free to talk to me anytime.. Please?" She said. Rae nodded and they both sat in silence. Finally, Astrin took a deep breath and said something about Rae's new equipment. "Youve got new shoulder pads.. And a shirt.. And oh! A metal sheet. Come and follow me." She said and they both left towards Astrin's cozy home. When they got there she began to slave over the metal as they both talked. They talked about everything. "Thank you so much, Astrin. I couldnt have done any of this without you.." She said looking down at her shoes. "Rae... Im merely a metal worker. It is what i do. Have i told you my welding apprenticeship story?" "No, but i would like to hear--" "What are you doing here?! I thought i told you to get working? For Blists sake, Rae, youre just as bad as my other recruits. Go! Come with me!" She yelled hoisting Rae up by her bad arm. She let out a cry of pain and the arm seemed to bruise a little more "Agh! Im sorry! Im Sorry! Please! I didnt hear you, when you said that.." Marasada glared at Astrin and Astrin stood up. "Why are you grabbing her with such force? Huh? She will come! Let her go!" She said and Marasada seemed to realise her forceful hands. She let go and spat at the floor. "You come to me. You hear? Astrin, isnt going to defend your bad behaviour anymore." She said and with that she stalked out. Rae collapsed onto the floor in a heap of shuddering sobs and shaking shoulders. She covered her mouth and held her arm. Astrin kneeled gently beside Rae and Rae hugged her furiously. "Its... Its going to be alright... Rae... I will come and help you prepare yourself for the dinner tonight." Rae stopped shaking a little and calmed herself. "What about your.. Y-your helping times." "It will be alright. I think." She said and helped Rae stand and helped her to the healer tent. "Rae! Again? Blists.. Come and sit.." She said and they both helped her into her seat. Angekis considered Astrin for a moment and gave her a hug. Astrin responded with a friendly pat on the shoulders and Angekis began working on Rae. "I.. Im not going to ask... Im just going.. Just going to address your bruises." "Thanks, to both of you." "No need to thank me. It is a duty of mine, and you are a friend." Said Angekis. Rae closed her eyes. That night Marasada beat a whole world into Rae. She slapped her and kicked her hips and shoulders. She showed almost no mercy. Rae managed to block only a few of them and even broke through her defence once.. But Marasada finally kicked out Rae's leg and Rae collapsed. Her nose bleeding profusely she was about to give in. Marasada kicked Rae's stomach and Rae pleaded for her to stop. She was done. Marasada wiped sweat away and skulked off. Rae's vision was fuzzy and hazed, she saw things double. She lay in a ball for a couple hours just passed out. Her leg was out again and her nose was still bleeding. A dozen bruises and cuts were embedded in her shoulders, arms and leg. Her face was swesty and dirty and gross and she needed a healer and a bath... But.. She was so tired. Finally she awoke to a small humming and she was laying on a bed. She sat up so quickly she knocked heads with Astrin. Rae tensed up on herself and immediately broke into apologies. "Shhh... " she chuckled softly, but it was strained. Rae saw the worry in her eyes and she just lay back down, ashamed. It twisted in her gut, the shame. Astrin only wiped the cuts and bruises gently and bandaged some up. Afterwards Rae lay fully covered and helped out. Astrin was working on her leg and making sure it was properly aligned. Rae attempted tos it up so as not to ashame herself further. "Rae... I know... I know who... I know who it is.. Now." She spoke rough and faintly, like the words were hard to hear. Rae squeezed her eyes shut and then winced, as her cheek was still badly cut open. "P-p-pleSe... As--astrin.. Ple-please dont .. Say it..." She rasped. She had finally managed to sit up but wobbled a lot. Astrin stood up quickly and held Rae gently, tenderly, gingerly. Rae looked up her eyes filled with tears. She kissed Astrin very slowly. Astrin pulled away quickly. "I.. I.. You.. Youre not even... Youre not fully aware of what youre doing. Im sorry.." She said softly. "Astr--astrin.. Please.. I-im sorry.. I shouldnt have..." Astrin only smiled sadly and took a seat next to Rae's cot. "I havent told you my welding story, have i?" Astrin said. "No.. No.. Y-y-yo-you... Di-didnt.." She said grateful, to astrin, that they werent treading on bad memories. "I was very young, when i was born into the clan of innovators and builders. So you can imagine, the effect it had on me, an impressionable child. I decided naively that i wanted to be a welder, or forgist, as my mother had been. Now, my mother was a very hardworking woman, but she was in her own world, you know? She didnt have time for her daughter.. Ill get back to that.." She said and got up to make tea for both of them. "Now, the forgist clan was a tight knit group of refugees who had banded together, sort of like this one... Like the gogruel gang... They took to the dessert sands and set up a plathora of tents.." She said and her eyes got misty and faraway. "Working in the dead sun and baked sands was unlike any other experience ive ever had... My family was the refugees.. So it didnt matter that my mother never paid attention to me.. At least i know that now. As i was little i worked my self to my limits to get through my school apprenticeship, unbeknownst to myself, i was actually trying to get my mothers attention." She sniffed a little. "Anyways.." She shook her head. "I had my friends and my mentor, whom i loved dearly.. Sahianna, Mahour, kafalla, gengifer, and helenkis." "Helenkis, worked with me tirelessly to make sure my dream of becoming a welder came true. I wanted to make my ideas come true, and i viewed this as the only way to do so. It was when i was 10 that my mother took her profession to new lengths and heights. She soon decided to relocate us... She woke me up and told me to pack my things.. But i wouldnt budge. My family was where i had grown up." "She scoffed and left. I never saw her again, to this day.. I dont know where she went.. And it eats me alive.. I need to know.. Did she accomplish herself?" Tears flowed down her face and Rae took her hand from the cot. Astrin scrunched her eyes up and cried into Raes stomach. "I loved my family.. I loved my mother.. It was like two separate worlds.. I couldnt be apart of either... On one hand i had people who really loved me, you know?.." She couldnt continue for a moemnt. "But you loved your mother too. And you couldnt let her go." Astrin gulped and nodded. She wiped her tears away and continued. "Noticeably helenkis and my friends noticed my unusual quietness.. Helenkis and i saw each other for the last time that night. I had to trail my mother. I had to follow my dreams. I had to do something.. Had to find out if she loved me.. Welder.." "I remember so distinctly.. She kissed my forehead.. I touched her shoulder.. Then i turned away. She had a family to be there for. My friends came with me. They came with me.. They came with me.." "I found a shop in a small village and worked on becoming a welder." She said and stopped. "What about your friends?" "Dead and gone.. As far as i know.. We were separated.. In a town raid.." She said with anguish, covering her mouth. "I could.. I coild.. I could never do it.. I couldnt weld after that.. I just.. I just fucking couldnt.. The lady who had originally taken me in, let me go. She pitied me.. I had to find another way.. I wondered for many miles before, coming along this death trap. Ive been here ever since." Rae hugged Astrin for a long time after that. Astrin pulled away a little and looked Rae full in the eyes. They both moved further in and kissed tentatviely. Testing the waters... Rae then began to go a little deeper and moved her hands. Astrin pulled away again and looked down. "Are you sure about this?... You... You.. Need so much more.." She whispered. Rae only went in for more kissing. It turned into a whole lot more than that. The next morning Rae woke up to the sweet smell of sage and perhaps sweetgrass coming in through the window. The sun shone through in beams through the plywood and paper. Astrin was hugged up against Rae and Rae grinned. They were both undressed and they were both a mess, but they were more together now then they had ever been. It brought a fuzzy warm feeling flooding through Rae. But she shuddered... She would have to go again today.. With Marasada.. Who couldnt control her upsurges of anger. She sat up groggily and winced. Her whole body ached and also buzzed. Astrin lay fast asleep. Rae smirked and made to stand. Well at least astrin's floor was clean. "Rae? Are you..." She said sitting up. She giggled and got up to help her up. "Morning, beautiful." Rae gushed kissing Astrin. Astrin pushed lightly on Rae and she sat down. "Come on, youve got to get out before Marasada marches in here." Astrin said not smiling anymore. Rae grimaced and slipped on her regular white shirt and slid on her clay beads. She clasped the gold bracelets and Astrin reattached her metal leg. Rae stood wobbily at first and then slid on her new pants. Astrin pulled Rae close. "My rae of sun." She mumbled and kissed her. Understand keys and krates Gaang sitting down and eating as teenagers sort of Assassins creed conner and achilles sitting down for lunch

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