#i know i could really use some rn

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[ruporas]

only human

[ID: Two page comic in color of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The first page has a black background and the upper half, behind the panels, is splattered with stylized red blood, scattered bullets, and lifeless hands. In the first panel, it focuses on Vash's boots, showing him stepping through the panel and into the bloody scene. The second panel shows his bloody footprints and the third panel shows his face, his down-turned eyes looking downwards. It's a neutral, vague expression with confliction. At the bottom of the page, the back of Wolfwood's head and shoulder is seen, blood dirtying the white color of his shirt and side of his face. Vash's hand reaches out to him from the right side of the page.

The second page shows the entire scene in full, half the page in light and the other in solid black. At the center, Vash leans down onto his knees as he wraps his arms around Wolfwood's shoulders into a hug. Wolfwood's back is turned away from the viewer, his left arm holds onto his bloodied punisher and his right hand sits on his lap. Light casts from the left side of the page, showing the bloodied surrounding, but the held up punisher casts a shadow on the both of them, shielding them from the light. END ID]

#vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #tw blood #<-- should i add that to the original post... if it's effective? #anyway this was a direct sequel to the previous post... i had a lot of thoughts when i drew it but my brain is failing me rn #something something about being granted that bit of mundanity and then running into some situation that whiplashes u back into the identity #u were built and trained to be. that at the end of the day its not possible to just be without dirtying your hands again #he's used to it but ww will forever be someone too kind too tender hearted to really be eased out of the cold lifestyle he's forced to live #and i personally dont think trimax vash could look at wolfwood with disdain or disappointment when catching him after the fact #he knows where wolfwood's heart lies he's seen the way wolfwood killed to protect and he thanked him for it too. i think him understanding #ww deeper in that way would just make his heart wretch so all he can offer is a comfort and arms to return to. #to reassure that he can still be loved even with the blood on his hands #i also think i drew an illustration when i first got into trigun depicting this same ish message.... #i'm just very particular about this Subject. i need ww to be loved i need him to be reassured even if he'll still refuse to believe he's #worthy of it like AUGHHH. ok. #ruporas art

[non-un-topo]

All it takes is a wee little nightmare to make you too scared to step foot outside for fear of Bad Things happening, like it’s an omen lol

#also it is p o u r i n g outside and it takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to commute to campus #i'm a good little student but sometimes i just can't be assed #esp with all the crazy stuff that's been happening on public transit and on my campus for that matter #i'm just getting a bad vibe today [insert empath meme here] #warning for me complaining about a graphic nightmare!!!!: #had a few stress dreams(?) last night but one particularly violent one in which a woman got run over by a streetcar-- #--and the paramedics were moving people along but i accidentally got a really good look at her and it fucked me up #she looked like she was just sleeping peacefully but i could only really make out the top half of her body #probably because the bottom half was... yeah. #i think i also had another dream that i was being hunted by a sniper?? and they had called my cell and were threatening me + my folks? #and another one where i had to hide some children from... i don't really know what. some dangerous person who wanted to kill all of us #but the kids wouldn't leave me even though i begged them to. #yeah just a normal collection of dreams for me. literally ugh. #i don't even think i'm stressed in my life rn?? #not any more than normal lol

[puppyeared]

Tell me about a song you like right now, maybe an animation you just watched that made you think thoughts and feel things

Only Acting by Kero Kero Bonito!! I want to make an animatic for Macaque using this song and some parts of Shadow Play and the s4 special.. although im still mapping it and deciding whether I want to use the radio edit or not lol

#its like really really rough and mostly in my head rn bc i havent drawn lmk in a while so im a little rusty. probably need to rewatch some #eps if i want to get a good idea of what i wanna include. im also debating if i should wait until we get more context on his and wukongs #past before i do anything bc the last thing i wanna do is butcher it @_@... i was thinking of paralleling the song with the pilgrims #but because i dont actually know what HAPPENED or why mac even thinks wukong killed him thats probably gonna be important to know #but its like really cool in my head.. if u listen to the song sarahs voice uses an audio filter and there are some random glitch effects #which could be good visually for macs smoke monster and him fucking with MK in general.. spooky stuff!!! #the lyrics also speak from the pov of a performer which is what reminded me of mac in the first place so it would be fun to animate to #its in my shower playlist so when i listen to it i get really intense visualizing for what scenes i wanna do. hitting 2 birds with 1 stone #actually thats smth i do when i wanna storyboard smth.. i add it to my shower playlist bc thats where i come up with my ideas lol #but yea!!! if i ever get around to doing it id be really excited to share what i have.. i have another in mind with pigsy and MK #which is way shorter and i could probably get it done during my break... ;o) #my art #myart #ask #answered #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk macaque #six eared macaque #liu er mihou #doodles #yapping

[derpinette]

SPERG YOUR HEART OUT

#EVERYONE #NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #& FOREVER #i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them. #i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz) #still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^ #I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving #literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things #for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW #so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing #so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head #ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan #OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG #& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted #to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO. #next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it #i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN #like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...

[altschmerzes]

it's just that sometimes you're so... impossibly happy and full of so much incredible joy that you gotta post about it on the internet otherwise you may get on the roof with a bullhorn yknow.

#gav gab #FEELING VERY GOOD ABOUT MANY THINGS RN....... #I LOVE MY WIFE. MY WIFE LOVES ME. WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS AND IT BELONGS TO US. #other option is like... dropping the lonely island 'i just had sex' song into my friends' dms lsdkjfs #and they don't need me to be doing that LMAOOOO #it's not just the sex itself that's not even really the point #(though it's. very very good. and i have now learned some ALARMING stats about straight women in relationships) #(ladies if your husband/bf/partner won't take direction that is a failure on his part frankly) #it's like... idk #intimacy. trust. fun. security. safety. etc. all these things i already had with this wonderful person in my life #and being able to decide together what we want to do and what we want it to mean #building something that's just ours. a life a home a relationship etc. #for all that there's no like. blueprint for marrying someone In A Friend Way #and that can be anxiety inducing #(i felt like my heart was gonna pound out of my chest the first time i brought up maybe kissing my fiancee lskdjfs) #it also means we get to make all the rules #we get to make all of our decisions together in whatever way we want to make them and it means what we want it to #and i think that's one of the really wonderful things about like. qprs and committed platonic relationships etc #and it's something romantic relationships could benefit from too tbh #sex ment in tags

[stardust-vi]

Dumb ramble but I hate that you can't critique The Thing you love within a fandom space without some dude breathing down your neck like "Well actually that means you hate The Author and The Thing! And what about all the times The Author did this Good Thing? Checkmate, liberal." as if you can't be critical of something because you love it and want it to be better.

#just. i'm in a rush rn so i'm probably not articulating myself well and i could go more in-depth with my thoughts #at the risk of someone spinning my words into “cringe blue hair pronoun wants to cancel araki!” which... will happen inevitably #even though i don't know how many times i can repeat “i do not hate araki #this is specifcally about jjba btw because like. #look i love it and araki has done some good things (or at least had good intentions in most cases) #but i'm so over the fact he constantly has to reach for some form of traumatizing women in his writing #and I already hear “well it shows they're a villain!” #but does he HAVE to use assault? why does he have to use that instead of demonstrating their villainy in other ways #that don't need to use it as a crutch #i'm not even saying you can't ever write about assault #that's not my argument either. #I'm not even accusing him of being a bad writer or person but just. Can we please retire the overusage of assault for shock value? #i obviously don't hate people who enjoy the series regardless #i'd be a massive fucking hypocrite #i mean i've literally been in this damn fandom for 6 years and just now decided to post my art. #but i'm tired of any time someone brings up legit criticisms of the misogyny in his writing #it's met with “but araki did this-” like it changes anything. #i'm glad he did somewhat improve writing women over time compared to the earlier parts #that said. that doesn't cancel out the blunders he did make or will make in the future #even if he has good intent. #or really any criticism of the writing being hit with “but its not supposed to make sense #anyways rant over. probably going to delete later bc im tired. #tw assault #assault tw

[hawkinslibrary]

the cast for the play has been announced ! you've probably seen the main players on twitter/instagram, but the rest of the cast and crew has been credited on the st on stage website

the list of characters is as follows: chief hopper, sue anderson (sinclair), lonnie byers, bob newby, charles sinclair, ted wheeler, karen childress (wheeler), allen munson, victor creel, james hopper, jr., henry creel, joyce maldonado (byers), father newby, walter henderson, claudia henderson, dr. brenner, virginia creel, and patty newby, as well as a number of ensemble cast members

#so. hopper's dad/lucas and erica's parents/bob/lonnie/ted and karen/eddie's father/victor/hopper/henry/joyce/bob's father/dustin's uncle? #dustin's mother/brenner/virginia/bob's sister #interesting #the first shadow #the first shadow spoilers #spoilers #not really ? but #twitter #lex talks #i still don't know how canon this will be #like i know they've said it could hold the key to the end or whatever but #they're obviously going to be taking some liberties #i don't know how much it's all going to fit with the version of the show that we have now #and also if it isn't available to every person that watches the show i don't think it should be considered fully canon anyway tbh #like i have zero doubts that there are fans of this show out there rn that still don't even know this is a thing #which sidenote is why all the overanalyzing and speculating doesn't usually pan out #bc everything is 100% geared more toward/written for the general audience #than people like us who spend a certain amount of time daily thinking about this show #you know #anyway

[overtake]

content for a very small audience but i was experiencing major deja vu when daniel posted this

#i need my laptop back so badly i am going crazy without it #apple needs to get it back to me FAST #i could be gifing but instead i’m comparing ashton irwin and his brother to daniel and his nephew #something about the photos was just SO SIMILAR #but seriously i will die without my laptop #i use it for everything it is my best friend #i use it for tumblr and discord and twitter and reddit and obviously i am literally just always working on some kinda gifset or project #i have 80 million tabs open #i watch all my youtube and tv on my laptop #i miss her so much #i had to write a full essay on my ipad today #do u know how annoying it is to do mcgill guide footnotes on ipad microsoft word #my cat will suffer for what she did (be given endless love appreciation and kisses and experience zero consequeces) #i’m also very sick rn so i’m really just stream of consciousness-ing here #my grip on reality is quite loose #i need to eat some soup and go to bed

[fruitybashir]

two quick teasers for ch3, coming on sunday 😗✌🏼💖

#tbr with you im not suuuper happy with the chapter overall BUTTTT theres a few scenes in there that i REALLY like and #that i know you guys will also really like hehehehe so i cant wait to see everyones reactions to this one >:) ♡ #joker out #bokris #also if anyone wants to do some quick last minute beta reading hmu i could use the extra input rn so badddd #holidate spoilers

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man

#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting #i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man #but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything #but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn #and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her #and i like she/her but it hurts rn #bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing #but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose #and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her #when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is #but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her #thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her #and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it #anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body #or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over #… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great #back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs) #and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience #but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is #anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes #for 2 years ago #sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol #gn y’all

[shima-draws]

I finished watching RTTE and I am. Emotional

#GAHFHHH…I don’t know what to do with myself rn. #I’ll probably rewatch some of my fave episodes bc I don’t think I’m ready to be done with it yet 🤧 #I WILL say tho the ending was uhhh #Pretty rushed. Lol #They had maybe 2-3 minutes to wrap it up #When instead they probably could have used an entire episode #Dedicated to various things. #i.e. The Dragon Riders coming to terms with saying goodbye to the Edge. #Mala and Dagur’s wedding. #Stoick regaining consciousness and his reunion with Hiccup. #VALKA’S CAMEO?? HELLO??? #Yeah they could have easily stretched out all of that into one epilogue episode for sure #Also I’m. I’m kinda bummed they dropped Fishlegs/Heather bc they were SO cute #AND SNOTLOUT/MINDEN #He literally shouted ‘THAT’S MY GIRL!!’ when she showed up in the final fight 😭 #But yeah I’ve never really been a fan of Fishlegs/Ruffnut? Not that I don’t understand the appeal but like #It’s just hard for me to imagine Ruffnut in a relationship with anybody. Except maybe Throk bc they made it WORK #Seeing her and Fishlegs all cuddly and cute in Homecoming feels SO OOC to me #But I digress. #Fishlegs/Heather had good chemistry 🥺 #Astrid/Heather even MORE so. GOD I love those girlfriends #Shima speaks #HTTYD #How To Train Your Dragon #Anyway ghfhh. Now that I’m done with the series maybe my brain can hyperfixate on smth new #That’ll actually give me motivation to draw again. Sighs

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

I don't not mean this offensively at all but is blows my mind that you are a lawyer but also writing jjk fics bc I work at a law firm and cannot for the life of me imagine any of the lawyers that work there writing fanfiction LOL kudos to u seriously I know how busy schedues can get due to court dates haha

im working in like. big city criminal law stuff right now and have been told by people in my office that i come off as a very deadpan and straight-laced legal nerd so i don't think the people who know me from my attorney life are imagining me writing jjk fanfic in my free time either

#I've got a friend who's clerking for a federal judge rn who's also a big fandom person tho she doesn't write #the legal sphere in general really does try to consume your entire life and i sort of hate that part of the business #like i like being a lawyer but i don't like how aggressively it tries to occupy your whole life #it makes offices very cultish #i like having boundaries in life and i have plenty of friends in my office but like. i have a life outside of it too that i want to keep. #and lawyers are so up their own ass about professional reputation that fandom shit is almost never discussed in a legal environment #you could not waterboard it out of me that I write fanfic for fun at work oh my god #it's not that i'm ashamed of it to be clear i'm proud of my stories i just don't know any of them well enough to trust them yet #lawyers are assholes so often holy shit #like not all of us. some of the nicest people i have ever met are lawyers. but the culture breeds a lot of very big and fragile egos #probably more lawyers than you'd think are into fandom stuff but they absolutely do not bring that shit up #i'd like to think i'll be doing fanfic and fandom stuff for years. it's just a great community and i really really love doing it. #i'm also a kick ass lawyer tho so i'm probably gonna be doing some pretty serious shit at work and just also being a fanfic writer. #but yeah court is exhausting and chaotic and i've been in it every day for like two weeks now so feel free to shoot me

[secretlythatsme]

also i feel like "adoption bait" jokes are like,, only funny maybe once, and the reality of bruce is actually trying to Not bring in more kids but everyone after jason forced themselves into the family is Way more interesting for dpxdc fics. especially in bad fenton parents aus?

the thing is, bruce has a lot of hesitance with bringing new people in, especially kids because 1. they will not be safe even if they don't become vigilantes 2. they can't be trusted 3. it's a lot harder for everyone to hide who they are if they bring a civilian in and 4. bruce now feels responsible for the life of Another kid. like,, i get why people make the adoption jokes, but i think the angst potential is so much more interesting than "bruce and co immediately want to adopt danny".

like can you imagine an au with bad fenton parents and danny is still a teen and he's heard about how bruce/batman brings in sad cases. maybe, just maybe this guy could actually help him? give him a safe home? or maybe danny doesn't want to be adopted right away but slowly bonds with the family and eventually wants to be included. the heartache knowing that bruce doesn't want that to happen. like?? hello!!!

there's sooo much you could do with bruce not wanting more kids in the family!!! so much!!!

#again ik there's some tension rn with canon vs fanon but i really do think canon is more interesting #sorry alhdgla #like fanon tropes are really only fun if its like. a small percentage of fics imo #but when everyone is doing it and kind of toting it as The Truth it just makes things boring #and it makes it harder to talk about the actual canon dynamics #like bruce and the other members desperately not wanting more people to join is so interesting!! #and its not like a 'you cant sit with us' kind of attitude! its a 'this life is dangerous and people die all the time and adding more #makes us all feel guilty when we know they couldve had a normal clown free life without us' situation #thats actually a big reason why some of the bat.fam arent actually In the fam #like steph obviously has her whole thing with tim so that adds to it but also bruce straight up didnt want her there!!! #she had to prove herself!! #so did duke so did damian so did tim #like! #i just feel like the angsty bat.fam adopts danny aus could be so much more angsty if people knew about this #like the comedic ones are fine they can keep making adoption bait jokes #but the angsty ones? the serious ones? the ones where im supposed to believe the bat.fam are genuinely adding him in? #make him suffer!!!!! #SUFFER WHITE BOY SUFFER #aldgdlhga #i love how so much of this fandom is just Make Danny Suffer #real fun vibes #dcxdp

[seraphlin]

Thought abt taking a break from 🍏 bc the fandom is exhausting me to the core that whenever I see him in fanart, I feel tense and uncomfortable more than anything

But the moment I thought abt sitting him down to tell him I needed some space, having a panicked expression as his reaction and suddenly asking me questions in the calmest way that he can on what was I wrong, something in me breaks and I just. Can't

#I just. can't #I can't do that to him. I can never do that to him. not when it's things have gotten this far #I could never drop him but I feel like something in me dies a little whenver I see him these days /slightly neg #it sucks. it hurts. and it probably hurts him just as much to see me hurting #that hurts too #I know he's fictional but listen to me- I use these characters to cope with a lot of stuff #unrelated but I've always been immersed in my own fantasy world as a child and that has been the only actual place I've felt safe in #it's the reason Caelum (my imaginary world) exists. it's why Jayce still exists #it's why I treat these characters like they're real because in my head they technically are #maybe I sound crazy but I'll be honest now that some parts of the world has failed younger me in more ways than one #and these characters make up for those failures #that got off track real quick so back to the main topic already #🍏.... I feel like my feelings rn are just going dormant rn #I know I still love him. but sometimes things get so complicated #fortunately for him really- my feelings are rlly strong enough to keep him on the list #my sentiments on him are so deep that it's gonna take everything to get me to drop him #you're gonna have to pry him from my cold dead hands. #unlike a certain red hoodied gun loving someone else that I used to f/o #but anyway. that's all #the clouds cry too (vent)

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

Somehow got through the worst of the crisis. Didn't tell S for the first time. Told her when we saw her and she asked why we didn't reach out and we said we know she's already overwhelmed and if we were to come out the other side we needed her to still be there, we needed to protect our relationship. She got it. It sucks the situation we are both in because of complete lack of support from everywhere else. She is being our care co, advocate, therapist, attachment figure, everything at once because *no one else is* but ofc it is too much. Hence ending therapy. Because the best way she can help is to fight the system for us and get us the right support, while also staying around so we don't have another broken attachment. I know it's her doing everything she can to help us the best she can. It's just hard to not view it through the lens of so many triggers and abandonment. When the reality is she is doing ALL this, soon for free, out of care. It is just not all focused on the care littles want (cuddles lol) and more of what we need. Which is what someone who truly cares for you does.

I value her seeing the situation and knowing our therapy and relationship will be damaged if we continued the same and therefore ending therapy before the damage was too big. Like others should have done. But it still sucks that it means we have to start again with someone else AND get used to seeing her less. It sucks because she doesn't even want to see her less but her life is just so that if we don't see her at work it will be less. I know how much she is doing for us behind the scenes to fight the system and yet child parts just want the time with her. Even if logically her doing that work is what will help most. I value her so much doing this for us. It's just the fear of seeing her less is so fucking huge. From outside it may seem ridiculous because we're so lucky to have an attachment figure who wants to see us anytime she can, and the least it'll be is maybe a couple weeks.. that's kind of a lot, it's more than anyone in her personal life gets besides those she lives with, even family! We'd be fine seeing anyone else every couple weeks!! Yet going from 2 or 3 times a week to knowing she'll struggle for even once a week feels like actual death. Like, we laugh when we see the facts. But for child parts it is like literal death it feels. And I just hope it actually feels okay. We'll get used to it. We'll speak inbetween. We will be adding more support and it won't feel long at all- the isolation does add to the attachment pain, its not ALL about her. Its also about what it triggers, and about being lonely in general. We have to trust that will change. And trust we will feel connected. (Mostly I secretly hope her work thing settles so she has more time lol). Remember there is the possibility for a lot more in the future when we are better, she wants us to be involved in an amazing work thing if we get well enough. WHEN we get well enough. She WANTS us in her life. We are wanted. That is beautiful. That is everything. The rest is just noise and life in the way.

It sucks how when we are connected we feel okay but then we loss it and drown in dread. When we are together we think we can handle ending therapy, these changes, the unknown, all of it. We can feel how much she cares, we know it, we see it. She gave us the most beautiful birthday gift and held us and we talked about the fears and we both are just having to face the unknown as both our lives change. And we just have to trust. Trust that even though her life is changing, even though we have to end therapy, even though xyz, she will find time to see us. She'll still be there even if its different. Trust that this is very different to previous ex therapists (who her supervisors now want us to report and are basically blacklisting already..), because yes we are close but we are doing it healthily and slowly and boundaried. She is not being our mum, she is not promising things she cant deliver like they did. She says the hard things when needed, she knows limits. Trust that that doesn't mean she cares less. Trust she'll still fight to get us the right support. And we have to trust that the right support will actually happen, despite the huge obstacles. And we have to trust we can hold on until it comes. We have to trust so many things we can't see yet.

And when we are with her, we do trust. But when we are apart, it's just overwhelming. We can't take another broken attachment. And I do trust her not to do what others did but I also know the whole situation is so stressful and she is one human trying to do her best. And so are we. I do kind of think it may be okay with her.. she won't go. I feel less sure about getting specialised therapy funded. And I know all our stuff and needs can't fall on our relationship or it will suffer. So we need the other support to work out. And I am scared what happens in the meantime. I've never experienced either thing- enough support or an attachment figure staying in a safe and healthy way. So even if factually it looks like she's staying and it'll be okay, we still need to experience it.

Honestly I have no idea how we'll feel with this transition. I have a feeling either we'll feel like we are drowning, while S is abroad and when back will see her less even if she's doing more for us behind the scenes, and no therapy..... OR, we may feel better. Maybe we dont need our attachment wounds constantly poked at. Maybe space to breathe will help. We've done SO much work internally attachment wise. We've gone from wanting child parts dead to calling them (pet names) lovingly like B did and S now does. And we've had some experiences of them being loved and wanted outside too, even if chaotic and abusive at times. I don't even really know the next step even if I was being offered it. I don't think I ever want such a deep attachment in therapy again. Some kind of attachment sure but our main one? It just feels never endingly painful. I think we do better when it's outside of therapy. And inside of it to an extent too. Just not the main and only. So maybe getting used to S outside of therapy will somehow help us see what is needed moving forward. I so wish K was safe for us..... then we'd have two attachment figures outside of therapy, and the attachment in therapy would feel less brutal and poking with its stupid hour or so a week. But she just isn't. Maybe she never will be. There's no way to know. Right now she isn't. There's S. But she can't be *everything*. And I want more outside of therapy. It's just... we don't really ever attach that way outside. Child parts never do. So I guess we just try and build the attachments and connections outside of therapy. Settle in to what S can be. And maybe we'll see therapy differently going forward.

I honestly have no fucking idea. But I do know what we've been doing isn't sustainable. I do know I don't want my main attachment figure to be my therapist. And I don't know what that means. And it's not like you have a fucking choice in who you attach to anyway lollll who am I kidding. We don't even know what we will be offered yet. Or when. In a few weeks. Years. Its so hard to keep walking forward not knowing how anything looks. And just trusting. And trusting that S won't give up fighting for us or let go of our hand. Trust ourselves that we choose to trust her for good reason and not purely attachment. Trust ourselves to feel her hand is still there even when physically apart. Trust we can keep ourselves safe when we need to. Trust that having to do so doesn't mean we don't deserve others. Child parts deserve to be rescued and protected and kept safe. And we have to trust we can do that, and that others want to, even if they can't always. Trust ourselves that we can grieve the gap between what others can do and what we deserve/d.

#a lot of trust #sometime it feels like itll be okay #sometimes it feels like the doom cloud of the end of our life is chasing us #and theres no hope #i really dont know what is on the other side of this #i really hope its the start of some freedom AND better support #i really do #and really hope our body can heal more because being so disabled really makes it all so much harder to cope with #i could be at pride rn instead of laying in bed and that would help lol #and it really sucks that we have so many friends who would want to be there but it doesnt help as they only know a few parts #its child parts and tbose holding trauma who need the connection #otherwise jt feels empty snd mskes them feel worse not better #but we cant just magic up an ability for them to attach to people #its incredible they try trust anyone at all after everything #i wish it was easier to form close attachments #s