#i love how my brain also went from trans reading to autism reading

[sherlock-is-ace]

I made this post before about the trans episode of The Good Doctor but that was on season 1, I'm on season 4 now and there's another one! Like last time, I loved the ep, and I will give you context:

The episode 4x09, "Irresponsible Salad Bar Practices" (title unrelated to the patient btw) includes the case of Rio, a trans man with a brain tumor. He is an adult (unlike the trans character of the last ep), has been on T for a while and has had top surgery (the actor, a trans man himself has lovely top surgery scars, but i digress). He's also in a relationship with a cis gay man, that's important to know.

The episode starts with him doing a check up, where Dr. Reznik asks him for his gender and pronouns to update the hospital records cause "Software clearly needs a trans update." Ok, the important bit is that Rio need surgery to remove the tumor. The tumor has grown rapidly, they think because of high levels of hormones... Rio is pregnant.

This all is handled nicely and respectufl, not once he is missgendered, not once they assume any of the patients decisions because of his gender or his pregnancy. Except fo Shaun (surprise!). As always, because he's a stereotype of an autistic man, he asks very inappropriate and offensive questions that are none of his business and are not medically relevant. Just because he wants to understand.

This annoys me, but I can't really complain cause it's also what I like the most in these types of episodes. Shaun genuinely wants to learn and be better.

Anyways, he asks Rio's boyfriend, Eli, if he "considers himself gay" even though he "has vaginal intercourse". Eli answers with some restraint (I would have punched him, who the fuck cares, Eli isn't even your patient. But anyways...).

Later on in the episode, Shaun says the following line when talking to Eli (which saves the entire thing imo). "I read that cisgender people often reduce transgender people to their genitalie, and that that is offensive. Did I do that to you and Rio? I'm sorry."

EDIT: Sorry, I forgot to add the rest of my favorite line! Shaun says he's confused about Rio because he has gone through hormone replacement therapy, he has had top surgery but now "he's choosing the most female act" and Eli, very calmly responds "it's not female if Rio is doing it" which is exactly what I said to my mom one time when there was an interview on tv about a pregnant trans man. I love that line. Pregnancy is only a female act, when females do it. Anyways, Shaun looks taken a back for a second and just answers "yes" and then continues to talk about how Rio must have dealt with prejudice, and he relates to that.

This proves once again that Shaun wnats to learn, cares about learning, and he can do it on his own. He didn't harrass his trans patient with questions (at least after realizing he didn't like that). He went and did research on his own, realized his mistake and apologized. That's so important to me! Because none of his offensive remarks, on this episode or back to the one in season 1, none of those comments where from a place of hate. And I do want to bring up this point again, that his ignorance about trans issues has nothing to do with his autism. His bluntness and need of logical understanding have (because, again, he's a stereotypical cookie cutter autistic writen by allistic people). His ignorance has a lot to do with the fact that this man was homeless for a while, didn't have a supportive enviroment, i don't really know what his school life was like, but he lived in a small town, his "mentor" was his younger brother, who died when they were kids. It's not like he had many oportunities to open his mind to the wonders of the trans community you know?

Once again, not defending transphobia or justifying anything. Just sharing my humble opinion about the lowest rating episode of the whole show so far, according to IMDb (although that has everything to do with the reviews being like "this woke series, why do you talk about trans issues and racism? this is supposed ot be ESCAPISM not a documentary" as if that was a valid review lol).

The episode also included a case to do with racism, which I also really enjoyed and think it was handled nicely. But alas, I don't think my opinion is too important as a white dude who doesn't know much about racism and the shit that black people go through, specially when seeking medical attention. I can give my opinion on trans issues all I want, but that's as far as my experience goes.

Btw, Rio had his surgery, is perfectly fine and soon to be a dad with his lovely soon to be husband Eli :')

#that went on too long sorry #also sorry for any typos and mistakes i'm not rereading all that lol #angel watches the good doctor #the good doctor #angel talks #personal #long post #ish

[mintyvoid]

so i bought and have now recived my anti planner, and while i imagine a bunch of the tools wont do anything- im hoping something helps. And ill try to speak up if anything does.

For some context i suppose if you dont regularly read my depressed rants, i was diagnosised autistic in 2020 but had been in therapy on and off since 2010 for anxiety and depression. I found a majority of resources not helpful or treading over ground ive already done years into- when I started researching 'okay so im autistic what the fuck do i do now, how do i get better'.

(I just keep ranting how shit doesnt seem to want to work for me below)

Most likely cause of all the years ive done work on myself, i am very self aware and quite good at communicating how im feeling. But found that none of the tools I learned helped long term or even enough to better my quality of life(now knowing this was because all those tools help people without a neuro disability, they simply were never going to work).

I've also found that a lot of the resources out there, include this book, are catered towards those with adhd, which while having a lot of simularities to autism- they are not the same. And though I had previously thought i was adhd, im like pretty sure this isnt the case(like in terms of a duo adhd n autism diag). So a lot of the stuff i end up finding /also/ doesn't work.

Though i cant reaally tell if its due to the autism or depression. A good example is the 'trick your brain' angle i see abundantly. To do things like 'set a timer to create a deadline or force panic' or similar time constrainted things simply dont work. I can feel incredible stress to complete something from a deadline or disappointed friend or angry manager and it do little to nothing to motivate me to do the actual thing. If i dont want to do something(or even if i want to do something but my brain for whatever reason doesnt let me), it doesnt happen- concequnce be damned.

I can break tasks into smaller chunks for days, but if i cant get up or move my arm to start said small task then it doesnt really matter does it? The one thing i can do is organize lol, but its the one thing that i see the most as advice- which is totally understandable as its not something taught so a majority would lack the skill. I was really lucky to seek help when i did and to then get actually good advice. It's probs been the only moment where help and support did actually help my quality of life.

Most likely I wont see any improvement in my life till I either go back therapy(actually find someone who can help someone like me, probs needs to be on meds again too) or can afford to create an environment thats supportive of my needs...or more than likely a combo of the two lol. Neither of which i see happening as both need money and i cant work nor get much from my disability program and cant work enough on online stuff to make that my income.

As an aside, i do know that many if not most, have it worse than i do. And i often feel that i simply cant complain about my own situation because im have a loving family that supports me as much as they can, im no where near homelessness, im not bipoc or a trans person, i could technically work but i would only be able to just work(aka id have to give up doing what i ant for a living and went to school for and actually am passionate about, and honestly typical work stresses and sucks so much energy out of me ugh id probs just burn out again n quit). I dont feel i can ask for money or support when there are others i feel need it way more than i do.

And i absolutely hate that what i have isnt enough, and that fact is also why i feel i cant vent. Srry this kinda went off the deep end.

#minty rambles #autism #vent #rant #srry this kinda escaped from me a bit

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

#autism #actuallyautistic #trans #nonbinary #xenogenders #neopronouns #lgbtq #adhd #nuerodivergent #gender identity

[poisonbat]

#Fezzy talking #i really appreciate whoever will listen and support me through this

[fatal-blow]

Hey, I'm new to following you so I don't really know any of your OC's, would it be to much of a hassle to give a quick rundown of em?

I have a lot of OCs, so I’ll go over the ones from my superhero story, Defenders of Earth, which is the WIP I’m working on atm.  I’ll link to their tags on my blog too!  (Btw the Alphas are older generation, and the Betas are the younger gen, with the older gen being their biological parents)

Under the cut cus this got long why is the DOE so biG

Alphas

Fergus Demir - The leader of a (formerly retired, now active again) superhero team known as the Defenders of Earth, and is actually the youngest of the team!  He has empathic abilities and he’s downright prodigious with them.  Personality wise, he’s nice enough?  He knows how to be civil but he has a hair trigger temper (it actually used to be worse) and the ability to hold grudges forever.  He’s a huge softie overall though and live entirely off of spite and coffee.

Jean Savano - Fergus’s second in command!  She has the ability to throw/shoot with perfect accuracy and from very far distances.  Can also make them explode on impact!  Personality wise she’s very upbeat and down to earth, and really balances Fergus out by keeping him grounded and stopping emotions from getting to him.  She’s very outdoorsy, so hiking, hunting, fishing, that’s her shit.  Also one of the only Defenders who stayed in shape as the team was disbanded.

James Newhouse - James is Fergus’s best friend and one of the team’s powerhouses.  He’s got electrokinesis.  Personality wise he’s...a character.  Wildly excitable and highly eccentric, my co-author and I have lovingly dubbed him Chaotic Gentleman.  He’s very British and a hugely successful business, far too charming for his own good.  Also, super overprotective of Fergus, even though Fergus is quite capable of taking care of himself.

Valerie Ridgewell - Valerie was the team’s tech and bomb expert.  She’s a technomancer, and has a brain that works quite like a computer.  After a mission that went wrong, though, she was injured and stopped working with the team.  She’s doing better these days, loves reading fanfiction, writing meta, and getting into flame wars over the internet.  She’s Fergus’s girlfriend and best friends with Jean.

Oann Stanislav - The team’s reconnaissance, he has the ability to create complex illusions that make it seem like he can shapeshift.  He’s genderfluid, but mostly presents as a man (and sometimes as a wolf).  He’s a man of few words, very gruff, and very stereotypically Canadian, right down to the beer in hand, bushy beard, and flannel.  He’s Jean’s spouse.

Kane Lightwood - Formerly a member of the team, now a traitor.  He has a few abilities, including clairvoyance, enhanced senses, and precognition.  He was one of the team’s best fighters.  He’s pretty gruff and quiet, coming across as kinda cold and distant?  He had a huge falling out with Fergus in the past so they haven’t been on good terms, even before Kane betrayed the team.

Betas

Skylar Demir - Same powers as Fergus and his son, for all intents and purposes, but Skylar was raised by Kane, who saved him as a toddler when he was kidnapped.  He’s super shy and really friendly, lots of bad habits though and super insecure.

Tado Hitoshiba - Same powers as Valerie, Tado was kidnapped from his adopted family by a science facility that experimented on him, then, once they were done, kept him drugged and sedated in order to prevent him from being a “danger to society.”  He’s highly cautious, quiet, awkward, and on the autism spectrum (his special interest? birds!).

Blaine Jokinen - Same powers as Kane.  Blaine was raised by his single adopted mother, who had schizophrenia, and because of his powers actually thought he had it too.  He’s trans, loves photography, and has a huge crush on Skylar.

Arin Savano - Same powers as Jean.  Arin’s the oldest of the Betas, and becomes the sort of de factor leader of them as well.  She’s fiercely independent, head strong, and has a strong sense of justice.  Absolutely incapable of sitting still.

Lizz Newhouse - Same powers as James.  Like father like daughter, Lizz is a lot like James.  On top of that, though, she’s even louder than he is, uncooperative, crude, and kinda mean.  Somewhat of a prodigy with her abilities.

Ying Cheng - Power to see how people will die.  Ying is fairly calm and collected, a little somber.  She’s very interested in studying magic, art, writing, and loves reading poetry and fanfiction.  Her and Lizz end up dating for a little while.

Other

Jacob Smith - A bit of a newer addition.  Jacob is technically a member of the opposing team, but only because he’s a little lost at the moment and doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere.  He’s very flamboyant and out there.  Dresses like a fucking hipster.

#defenders of earth #hh not gonna tag them all #there they are tho! #nilla-waffer

[haunthearted]

I wanted to recommend a very good website, especially to my trans, dysphoric or dissociative followers.

Gender Analysis is a very well researched, well-sourced website about the trans experience. I take whatever opportunities I can to write polite, good-faith, educational replies to people on Reddit who don't "get" trans things, and I always rely heavily on GA because whatever the topic, there will be an article filled with the original scientific papers rebutting transphobic viewpoints. It can also be useful for supporting conversations with parents/friends, because it has the primary research right there. For example, today I learnt that all the concept of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria ("my kid got a tumblr and now she says shes transgender because of peer pressure!") originated on three anti-trans websites, and despite its official-sounding name, has no research behind it. I knew that intellectually, but it's powerful to have the evidence clearly there for you.

Zinna Jones is one of the key writers there, and you may know her other work as she's been a prominent internet trans human for many years (how she has the courage and spoons for that, I will never know). One of her key experiences of gender dysphoria was depersonalisation: a weird, fuzzy, not-quite-thereness. On beginning hormones, it cleared up immediately: she had an "I didn't know what wrong felt like until I started feeling right" experience, as well you might if feeling oddly absent is your normal day-to-day experience. Because it wasn't a focus of how dysphoria was written about while she was coming up, she's done a lot of writing and research on it at Gender Analysis: describing what it felt like, researching comparable experiences in other trans narratives, and most recently trialing an anti-dissociative drug to see how it affected her.

Many of us come to ghosthood due to experiencing similar things to Jones - a not-quite-thereness, an oddness, a sense of timelessness and dislocation. Some of us very clearly associate it with trauma, a mental illness, or gender dysphoria; for others, it's just part of the fabric of life. I would like to recommend reading her posts on this particular topic to anyone who experiences something similar.

Now, if you relate to what she writes it doesn't mean you're transgender - don't panic - as varieties of depersonalisation can be a symptom of all sorts of other things - especially trauma and trauma-related conditions like BPD/CPTSD. But you might still find her descriptions useful.

On the other hand, if you are identifying as transgender and wondering if hormones are for you, you might find it validating or helpful.

(and because the world is horrible, there's no small chance that trans people are also traumatised. There's a great pair of posts that I'm sure you've already read, "That was dysphoria?" - but also her follow up, in which she re-experiences some of those symptoms as a depression.)

Finally, a recent post series explored an anti-depersonalisation drug, which you might be interested in exploring as an option for yourself. I had no idea there was such a thing!

In short, I was re-reading the archives this morning, and it occurred to me that a great many followers here might appreciate or find these posts useful. Make of them what you will, and best wishes to you all x

A tonne more thoughts after the cut:

This isn't meant to be "a trans blog", so I'm not going to focus on this too often. But certainly for me, Jones' posts really spoke to me and my experiences. I think there's a real danger in underselling how weird gender dysphoria feels. One sort of expects or assumes gender dysphoria is "I hate my breasts because I am a man"; there isn't so much written about how it can be "I'm tired, I don't really care, everything seems hollow and false, but I can't imagine life being any different because it's what I've always known, and it's not clearly anything to do with gender". That's been my experience - and it's incredibly hard to spot. I've been through six diagnoses since I was a teen (OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, ADHD, autism), because while I've always been clearly unwell, it's hard to pinpoint gender dysphoria when it just manifests as brainweird, especially when that brainweird is you normal, as it was for Jones.   For example, I've never really recognised my own face in the mirror. Weird, but whatever. When I was considering hormones last year, I decided to take up weightlifting as part of my experimentation process. It would allow me to see how I felt about developing a more masculine body, in a controlled way, and as someone who *hates* exercise, it would also be a useful test of commitment: was I dysphoric enough to motivate me to go to the gym? Because if not, I probably was not dysphoric enough to transition either. Well, I went three times a week and followed the correct food recommendations for building muscle until I could no longer afford either; and then it happened. I looked in the mirror and it was like a visceral, immediate shock of recognition. And now I can't unsee it. Every time I look in the mirror, my brain immediately pings back "nice Robert Plant vibe you got there man", which is ridiculous; no one else on the planet would see me and think that. But that very small amount of muscle, and slightly-more-masculine-shoulder/arm-profile, was enough to make my brain recognise itself for the first time.

Sometimes you don't understand what "wrong" feels like until you have "right" to compare it to.

(I think those of us with early experience of abuse might also relate to that; the way that being loved and respected by a good person later in life can be both shocking, and bring on a period of processing and heavy reflection because it illustrates how very wrongly you were treated before. Even if you know it intellectually,  just the experience can be profound. Certainly, I've got a few experiences of not-being-taken-advantage-of which were absolutely shattering, like I was being taught how to love myself for the first time.)

And as you might expect, I'm also feeling very reluctant to pursue transition. This sort of nebulous dysphoria is, well - . I envy very much the "I knew I was trans from the moment I hit puberty because I hated the gender I was living in" people, who clearly see gender as their problem. It's very hard to contemplate something as life-changing as transition when its motivated by an increasing certainty that the only cure for my incurable mental ill is a different hormone balance, and as many days I have where I ask myself why I didn't transition 5 years ago already, I have others where I know I'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming through the process as my last resort.

Like, a few years ago I was at a "Even if I am transgender, I think I'd rather live as a woman [for reasons]" point; and now I'm at a "I would still rather live as a woman, but I am desperate to have enough disposable income to buy a really nice set of towels and maybe transition would make me well enough to not only work, but have a real career, and maybe I could buy a car, and go on holiday, and start buying tailored clothes instead of charity shop, and maybe redecorate my house in faux-Victorian style, and I really don't care if everybody hates me and I no longer have a coherently cisgender body, I would do anything to be able to afford unusual cheeses and teas rather than subsisting on stew" point. It sounds so shallow, but there it is; because so many of the problems I have don't feel dysphoria-related, because I'm only understanding them as dysphoria-related because nothing else has made an impact, my focus is increasingly on the little things in life I want to achieve, and maybe could achieve if my brainweird was fixed. I'm now fairly sure that if/when I do transition physically, I'll continue to recognise myself more, and realise how much of an impact physical dysphoria was having.

But it's what I know. And like Hamlet says, easier to bear the struggles we know than fly to others that we know not of.

Sidenote:

Intermittently, you'll see approaches which try to set up trans or mentally ill people as enemies to otherkin people, like the two experiences cannot co-exist, or like otherkin people ought to take the fall for the way transphobic use them as an anti-trans "gotcha". I personally find this very frustrating: I prefer approaches which are open, rather than closed off. Many/most of my followers here are either trans, mentally ill, have trauma, experience dysphoria or some other unspecified bodyweird/brainweird. In real life, I have four otherkin/therian/furry friends - and they too all meet that description. {There are also many otherkin who see their history as spiritual or religious, who aren't trans/mentally ill/traumatised, or who don't really know the source of their experiences - all of which is also OK!}.

I would always prefer to take a holistic and compassionate approach to the way experiences can overlap, rather than a combatative/competitive/polarised one; any hostile or fightin' talk messages/replies will be ignored, blocked or deleted as appropriate, because that's not a value I have for my online space. Although I'm open to discussing or exploring it, so please don't hold back if you want to talk about your experiences in good faith.

In short, there is a fairly significant overlap between people who come to identify as transgender/dysphoric/mentally ill, and those who come to identify as otherkin, or who might temporarily identify with one of those experiences while figuring things out  - and this post is for them. Politics makes things sound so simple and clean-cut, but people are messy and complex, and I'd much rather help individuals navigate and explore their experiences - even if they are contradictory, or don't support my political goals. Trying to figure out brainweird and bodyweird is challenging enough, without making people tread on eggshells during the process.

#ghostly self care #queer spectrality #ghostkin

[lilnasxvevo]

I wrote an essay once when it was really late and I was really frustrated

I am not going to send it to my literary journal and I did not even hand it in for the class I wrote it for (the next essay I wrote was passable enough to submit) but I think it is kind of funny so I am going to share it with you

Zoom Zoom

           Draft number four of this FUCKING essay because I can’t FUCKING write. I just through out the last three because they sucked and excuse my language but I’m so frustrated at myself and I typed the wrong homophone in the last sentence and I went back and changed it but then I changed it back so you understand where I’m at right now because I NEVER!! MAKE!! SPELLING MISTAKES!! I was on the editorial staff of my high school newspaper for two years and that shit was flawless! I was editor in chief and that shit was free of god damn error! I do not make! Spelling mistakes!

           I’m so frustrated because part of me just wants to write about a motherfucking TV show and the rest of me is like, “No, Thomas, that’s so fucking stupid, write about something that’s serious, something people can take seriously, something people can respect, but NOT something boring” and I’m like OK!! WELL!! THAT’S A TALL ORDER YOU’VE GIVEN YOURSELF TOMMY BOY!!

           I’ve been trying to copy the style of the essays we’ve been reading in the last three drafts I just started and abandoned. I wrote…lets see…(I will be keeping all future grammar and spelling errors that I make) over 1300 words that way so far today. Fuck it!! I am going to be writing like ME and what I write like is a protagonist from a really sub-par young adult novel. I read a lot of those! But I was already like that before I read all those books. Actually most of the ones I read are pretty great. Holly Black, David Levithan, uh those Girl, 15, Charming but Insane books I forget who writes them but if I look it up I have to stop my timer and that is just not happening—check em out, they’re great. Oh, Eoin Colfer, too. I have his autograph! I actually also have David’s.

           I made a list of all the things I could write this essay about. I didn’t want to write about being queer again because I don’t want you people to pigeonhole me. There’s like 50 items on that list. I’ll spare you. The list sucks. I texted my best friend “What should I write this essay about” and she said “Roman Catholicism” and I was like “Maybe” and she was like “Vampires” and I was like “LMFAO you will never believe what I wrote last time spoiler it was vampires.”

           I have ADHD. Sometimes this surprises people! Sometimes it does not! Usually it doesn’t surprise other people who have ADHD because we go based on our lived experiences instead of stereotypes unlike SOME people. I was diagnosed when I was 17 which is super super late but they literally, and you can look this up, base most criteria off of the symptoms of little white cisgender boys, who are usually hyperactive, and I was inattentive type. My third grade teacher used to slap my desk with a ruler when I spaced out. She never brought up my attention issues to anyone else. I hated her. I still hate her. Curse you, Cathy Sellers!!

           I have chilled out on the caps lock because maybe that was kind of a gimmick. Ok. Well. The ADHD. I actually don’t remember why I brought up ADHD, which is classic ADHD. Oh. I think it was to say that maybe you will be surprised that the inside of my head is this giant mess. Not to be all “welcome to my twisted mind” or that edgy shit. Maybe I’m trying to make an embarrassing essay on purpose. The point is some people think I’m very composed and stuff and the inside of my head has never once been composed. Well, maybe a few times. I miss standardized testing because they don’t really matter and they were fun to focus on and it was fun to fill the bubbles in and they made me feel smart. I am smart. I promise I’m smart. Sometimes people think I’m dumb because I’m a trans man which I don’t understand but I promise I’m smart.

           I just slapped my face to try to get myself to wake up a little bit. I am wiped. That cold that’s been going around is kicking my ass, though not as bad as it’s kicking the ass of other students in this class who I have maybe potentially had to drive to the pharmacy this week.

           I am so obsessed with this show on BBC America right now called Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. In ADHD circles this is sometimes called a hyperfixation—it’s kind of like the special interests autistic people have, surprise surprise ADHD and autism are both developmental disorders and they have a lot in common. Dirk Gently is all I can think about. It’s a really great show and I loved it last season because it has the actor Samuel Barnett as the lead actor and I swore my fealty to him in like 2014 and then he got a lead on a TV show which is crazy because he never gets big roles like that so I was like NICE!!! Yeah, so last season was sci-fi, and the show is really great and it has this big diverse cast and all the characters are really interesting and the show never leans on stereotype instead of fleshing out a character as a unique person and there were electric crossbows last season that were designed by that Adam Savage dude from Mythbusters. So but this season, THIS SEASON, is SO good because apparently the show is planning on “switching genres” every season but with the same main cast so now they’ve been running around trying to find each other after everyone got separated at the end of last season (spoiler) and now they’re all in Montana and instead of sci-fi it’s FANTASY which is my FAVORITE. There’s another dimension that’s this great high-fantasy nation called Wendimoor and there’s a door between the valley of Inglenook and this one town in Montana for reasons that I refuse to explain, just watch the show. Ok and in Inglenook, there’s—it’s kind of sketchy how it works but there’s this guy named Panto Trost who has pink hair (his whole family has pink hair and it’s unclear if it’s genetic or if they dye it as a tribal marker or something, and when I first saw it I was like, HOLY SHIT, WHY DID I NEVER THINK OF THAT), and he’s the prince of Inglenook, and there’s this guy named Silas Dengdamor, who’s some kind of minor prince in Inglenook somehow, and THEY. ARE. A GAY INTERRACIAL HIGH FANTASY COUPLE. THEY ARE IN LOVE.

           And the guy who plays Silas, Lee Majdoub, he’s really active on Twitter and Tumblr, which is crazy because almost no one is active on Tumblr under their real name and it’s mostly just depressed young adults like me, but Lee fields questions about the show all the time and talks about how it was an honor to play a gay prince and he has so much love for Silas and he put so much work into this character which you can tell because he has an answer ready for everything. Has he ridden that train we saw? Is he gay or bi or what? What are his hobbies? If he lived in our world what would his favorite movie be? His five favorite songs? Does he agree with his family’s stance on the feud? (Oh my god I forgot to MENTION that the Trosts and the Dengdamors are TWO FAMILIES AT WAR, which makes Silas and Panto basically gay Romeo and Juliet, but hopefully they won’t die but Dirk Gently is a “don’t get attached” kind of show.)

           And did I mention he’s respectful??? My favorite answer he’s ever given is when someone asked him what it was like to kiss Chris Russell (the other actor), which is a question every fucking presumed-straight actor gets when they play a gay role, and since there is a 4 inch height difference between them, Lee answered something like, “It was a little weird because Chris is very tall, so I felt a little like Natalie Portman in Thor. Natalie Portman and I both have dark hair so we’re practically twins.” Also he is very handsome. It is important that Lee Majdoub is very handsome. Okay, it’s important to me.

           Wow, glad I got that off my chest. It’s kind of all I ever want to talk about. Two weeks ago, before I could do my actual writing assignment for the day, I had to freewrite about Kevin Spacey for like AN HOUR. What I wrote ended up being kind of unusable for this class thus far, I just haven’t been pleased enough with the way it handled a very sensitive topic to hand it in, but it was about Kevin Spacey and Jeffrey Dahmer and OUT magazine and news media and Anthony Rapp and me.

           I wanted to write about a historical figure for this paper but all the ones I could think of that I have a strong connection to were gay. While I was typing that sentence, I thought of Dorothy Parker. Well, shit. Another day, then.

           This paper is what we call a RISK!!! pleasedontfailme

           Here are some excerpts from the other three papers I tried to write today:

·         Sometimes I sing and dance in front of them. Sometimes I scream. One time, I stood on a desk.

·         The last time I told her I was proud of her I could only do it because she had consumed an obscene amount of wine and called me to talk about one of Shakespeare’s history plays

·         I am afraid that I am a husk a husk a HUSK a husK a husk a husk a husk of Corn-ell because

I promise these essays were not good. These were the only good parts. I wanted to include them because I wanted you to understand that I covered a lot of fucking ground before settling on whatever the fuck this is. I am sorry if you feel you would rather be reading one of those other essays, but I did not want to write them.

           I just scrolled back up to the top because I remembered abruptly that this essay doesn’t have a name. It’s called Zoom Zoom now. When my sister is bored while she drives, she says, “Zoom zoom! We’re zooming!” She is 24 and has a master’s degree. This particular catchphrase of hers always comes to mind when I try to describe how my brain works—childish, too fast, bored. Her boyfriend says “Brroom brroom” when he drives. I think he picked it up from her. He calls me Thomathy. Because Thomas can be Tom for short and Tom is like Tim and Tim is short for Timothy. Get it? He says “Thomathy” sounds like a disease. I think he likes me anyway. Even though one time during a heated game of Monopoly I told him I would eat chips at his funeral.

           I have three cats. One is ten years old, the other two are one. I have a rabbit. He’s a jerk. That’s all you need to know about me. Oh, I’m from Wisconsin. My favorite color is orange.

           Yeah so thanks for coming to my TED talk. Please buy a t-shirt on my way out, they’re $20. I know TED talks don’t usually have t-shirts but I want your money. Yes. Now scram.

  Are they gone?

Jesus, I’m so fucking tired.

[echoesofcanons]

So the end of the year is here. I wanted to do two things before the end of this year, and I did one of them. I finished my book. I am still in editing, but the book is done and I should be finished with editing sometime next year. I’ve been working on this novel for more than two years.

Joining a martial arts program didn’t happen. I’ll have to try for that next year, and be better about taking care of my physical health in general as well. Physical therapy, walks, all that.

A bunch of stuff happened that I didn’t expect, though, and that’s been amazing. I’m dating a bunch of different people, all of them amazing in their own way. I’m getting back in touch with my body and my desire. I’ve gotten comfortable with topping/domming again, which was a part of me I thought was lost for good. I had a short story published, and met one of my personal heroes in the process. I healed a few breaches in my family and friends group. I went to my first convention. 

I also realized some limits. I’m going to be changing from supporting Trans Lifeline through taking calls to donating, because I’m not far enough away from my trauma yet not to be affected badly by taking calls. I’m going to accept that I’m ignorant on a lot of subjects and try to learn more about home maintenance, car care, and sewing.

Despite realizing some limits, overall, 2017 was good for me on a personal level.  It’s why I’m so afraid going into next year. There’s so much more to lose when you’re happy. 

It’s weird, but I think fear of being vulnerable was a big part of not leaving abusive situations in my past. If everyone around me treated me like crap and I was miserable, I didn’t have to be afraid of death or loss. After all, it would just be shades of miserable.

I’m happy now, though. Not always, of course, I’m human and I’ve still got the alphabet soup of conditions thing going on. I still have occasional symptoms and challenges from my PTSD/depression/anxiety/EDNOS/autism/ADHD cocktail. I always will.

The difference is that now those symptoms are parts of my life, not all of it. I’m happy, and that’s terrifying, because while I was having a pretty decent 2017, I watched the world descend into fascism around me. I heard Trump’s speeches, watched Erdogan’s crushing of democracy and journalism, saw Duterte’s horrifying encouragement of an explosion of violence, and wondered what was coming next.

I keep having panic attacks around concentration camps and reeducation facilities. I wonder if my browsing history is being compiled for an eventual purge. I fear what sort of world this will be in five years.

And here I am, happy and with everything to lose. Loved partners, friends and family, dreams I’m chasing, and a life worth living. My brain can’t help but feel it’s a cosmic setup. I know some of that is my history with being abused. Good times always feel like the calm before the storm, like my dad’s going to suddenly hit me, or my ex wife is going to start screaming at and threatening me. 

The problem is this; what if I’m not wrong this time? What if those old PTSD warning triggers are giving me the heads up that this is a societal level abuse situation that I need to get out of? What if I’ll be looking back at this moment in five years, wondering how I didn’t trust my fears of genocide as valid?

Sure, I can say “resist” and talk about change, but the reality is that I do not have that much power over the world’s direction. No one does. We all exist at the mercy of the ebbs and flows of the world and civilizations around us. No matter what I do, I might be doomed. 

I’ve been stuck for a while on this. I’ve worked on it in therapy. I think what I need to do, once I’m done with this novel, is write about it. So that’s what I’m going to do.

While my editors and friends go over my self-finalized draft, I’m going to work on a novella dealing with my fears around the potential direction of the US. I’m going to work out some of my ‘rounded up and shot’ fears in writing. If nothing else, it will ensure something at least comes out of my terror.

I’m worried about writing it. I’m not sure what sort of effect something that immediate to my own life will have on me as I write it. I still think it’s probably the best way to handle it.

So, here’s me, hoping things turn out in the next few years. I’d like to believe this is a temporary regression before progress. If I’m wrong, I hope at least whatever I write out of this fear is worth reading. Creating art isn’t a perfect solution to the horrors that life can conjure, but it’s the best one I know of.

[arthropoda-artistry]

it’s weird, being autistic, because i only found out two years ago (or maybe three? idk i was def fourteen though) but i’ve known my brother was my entire life, and so some part of me will always either be distancing myself from it, or distancing him from it.

 so for the first fourteen years my parents basically burned it into my mind that i was the normal one, because i could read and i thought in ways  that aligned more like neurotypicals and i was smart. that was me as a child, the smart one. i was never called beautiful because i, quite honestly, wasn’t. i was an ugly lil fucker. anyway, autism to me was always repeating words and loud voices and not ever taking no for an answer and hands where they shouldn’t be and and and- and my brother likes movies, so i’d only get to see them when i was with him. he didn’t live with us, he moved out when i was four, so his visits were always only about him. he lived in the berkshires, a six hour drive (3 there, 3 back). and when he was around, i got called a baby by him, and got told to cross my eyes, and then i was ignored as he asked my parents the same questions over and over again.

and i idealized him in a way. i loved him when he lived at home, the first four years of my life, and i continued loving him even when i was six and his tendency to never accept a no turned from my parents to me, from not accepting the response of “no, you cannot stay at home for an entire week” to “no, don’t touch me there.” i didn’t like what he would do, and i fought the way i had been taught by the girl who i called my best friend- nails and biting and then my parents would be back and i’d get in trouble.ididn’t talk, but my parents noticed eventually, taught him the word inappropriate and never let  him sit next to me in the car. but they never talked to me about what he did, and i thought it was what older brothers did- that it was a normal thing from a not-very-normal-at-all brother, like teasing me. 

and my brother moved schools and houses and things to obsess over, and i still loved him, but he annoyed me as i grew older. and my parents let me know in no uncertain terms that when they died, i would be his guardian. my brother would grow older and taller-so much taller- but he would never grow up, not in the college and living on your own type of growing up that i was expected to do - am expected to do

 (he’s fucking 6 foot 2 and i’m 4 foot 8.* thanks, god *)

and then i was fourteen and getting tested psychologically, which had been happening for years and was another i thought was normal, and then the word popped up in relation to me. i had autism. i - somehow - had something in common with the lumbering tower of brother that i shared a last name with but not a life with. i found communities on the internet, and embraced this new thing, even though at fourteen i had lost the hero-worship i once had. i didn’t think about it as something that was my brother’s anymore. i thought of autism as mine. but it was around that time that i found out that not only was my brother autistic; he was also brain damaged.

and then the summer of 2016 came, and the psychological testing was for depression and a lot of my life went to hell until i got on the right shit. but between the hospital stay and the asthma attacks and the election coverage,(goddamn that summer is up there with the summer before seventh grade in the rank of Worst Summer of my Life), i was having nightmares - and memories. and the memories were of a completely different sexual assault, one that happened when i was thirteen, but those symptoms of ptsd followed me into the schoolyear. and that, i soon realized, was not my only trauma. getting beaten up by your best friend for seven years and then having her try to kill you twice is also a thing that can, and did, psychologically mess a boy (this boy, me) up. and then, because my brain is a lil dick that likes to drag out all the trauma at once, the memories of my brother trying, and sometimes succeeding, to stick his hands down my pants came back. and i, surreptitiously, tried to figure out if it was indeed a normal sibling thing. it aint.

and i didn’t know if i could hold my brother responsible because of his autism affecting him- but then i remembered i have autism. so either he can’t be held responsible because of his brain damage, or he was completely aware that i didn’t want him to do what he did. i still don’t know which. i want there to be an answer that i can know, because because because i have this thing in common with him. because if i can hold him responsible, maybe it will help me heal? because if he wasn’t responsible, then if i have to take care of him upon my parents’ death, maybe believing that will make it easier? i don’t know.

i just know that autism is something we have in common. when i relearned how to stim after years of repressing myself, i could see in myself some of the ways he stims. when i look in the mirror, sometimes i see him looking back at me. and maybe that’s an incest thing or a trans thing, i don’t know. i just know i can’t love him the way i did before i knew what he did was wrong. and i can’t love my parents the same way either, because they had taught us both that our natural ways of expressing ourselves (stimming and talking to ourselves and avoiding clothes that felt wrong) they taught us those were things we needed to hide. they tried to make my brother neurotypical until they realized they were fighting a losing battle - and then they set their sights on me. and i’m not neurotypical. and i’m not unharmed by what my brother did and i didn’t forget it the way they clearly wanted me to and my trauma and executive dysfunction annoys them because i was supposed to be the success story. but i’m not - i’m just a kid. i’m just the damage left from what people have done to me

#actuallyautistic #tw incest #trauma #felix is ranting about his parents #ableism #my brother the movie lover #long post #tw hospital