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honey-dewey · 3 years

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Random Dewey Finn headcanons (?) I came up with while eating my breakfast

Before Dewey wanted to be a big rock star, he wanted to be an astronaut.

His aunt gave him his first guitar for his 10th birthday, thus sparking his love of rock music.

One of the major reasons he never quit music was because of that aunt. She passed away early, and was constantly the only member of his family that truly believed in him.

Dewey’s mum was kind of absent, so he was raised primarily by his dad.

Dewey and Ned met on the first day of high school, and were inseparable for all four years.

Despite both of them liking both, Dewey likes Star Wars more, while New prefers Star Trek. They have debates of epic proportion over which of these preferences is better. Dewey somehow always wins.

One of the reasons Ned let Dewey live with him is because Dewey is an amazing cook. He never eats what he makes though.

His specialty is breakfast foods

While he may be an amazing home cook, he’s an even better baker.

Dewey is highly sensitive to textures, especially food and fabrics.

Because of this, he rarely tries new foods, sticking to a decently firm schedule. (He really likes hard boiled eggs)

It’s also why he likes sweater vests. The actual sweater doesn’t touch his skin, but he can rub his hands up and down the knit when he gets overwhelmed.

He’s also sensitive to criticism. Along with that, he cries easily.

After the whole School of Rock incident, Dewey did some quick online classes on teaching. When a music teacher position at Horace Green opened up, he was the first one contacted to fill it.

During SoR shows, Dewey has a tendency to get very hyped, and this eventually leads to a collapse, usually on the bus ride home. It happened once on stage, where he just went still and quiet all of a sudden and then began to panic.

All of his kids know exactly what to do during his collapses.

They made him (yes made him) a stress doll. It weighs about twenty pounds and looks like a panda. They lay it across Dewey’s chest and let him lie down on a blanket. The kids then surround him to make a protective barrier. It’s a very effective method.

It took almost thirty years for Dewey to get diagnosed with mild autism, anxiety, ADD, and seasonal depression. His mother was a firm believer that mental illness was a hoax.

He did try and take medication for it, right when he started teaching full-time. It made him nauseous and tired and so unlike himself that he quit after three months, a decision that was fully backed by his students.

He eventually did go back and get a new prescription for his ADD. It works surprisingly well and doesn’t make him act any less like himself.

This isn’t even a Headcanon. It’s straight up actual canon from the Broadway.com Stick it to the Man video! Dewey stims! He knocks his wrists together and does the raptor hands! (I don’t think his hands were truly by his side at any point during the entire show) He taps his feet and shakes his hands! His facial expressions are always on 10 and he scronches his face when he’s excited! His head go bop! He’s a stimming Boi!

Also have you ever seen a neurotypical person dress like that? Ever? Nope. Sweater vests and jeans and sneakers (that look like heelys) is not a neurotypical outfit.

Dewey doesn’t like rainy weather, nor does he like the cold bite of winter. He has a heater and a happy light in his classroom for rainy and/or cold days.

His favorite season is fall. He really really likes to step on leaves and hear that satisfying crunch.

Dewey also has a weakened immune system, and is pretty vigilant about his health. He takes vitamins and vitamin D supplements, and yet always ends up with some kind of illness in winter. Despite this, he refuses to get any kind of flu shot.

Dewey’s list of phobias includes: needles, heights, clowns, and the dark.

He’s dead terrified of the dentist. Ned has to practically drag him every time. It’s not even that he has poor dental hygiene or has actual odontophobia, he just hates the experience. The combination of strong smells and uncomfortable touches and horrible noises overwhelms him so much.

For much of the same reasons as his hatred of the dentist, Dewey dreads getting his hair cut. Social interaction mixed with weird feelings on his surprisingly sensitive head and the constant background noise and the hair spray-y smell make it an experience Dewey’s hated since childhood. Now, Ned usually cuts Dewey’s hair because he’s really not picky about how it looks, and Ned knows exactly how to go about the job without causing Dewey to hyperventilate and cry.

He uses a night light! It’s the fun kind that projects stars on the ceiling.

Dewey is the king of field trips. He’s always just as eager as the kids to go, and he loves to learn niche facts. His favorite field trip location is the aquarium.

Dewey quit drinking after his 23rd birthday, when he blacked out and woke up in some random girl’s bed. She promised they didn’t do it, but ever since then, he’s terrified it’ll happen again.

Speaking of which, Dewey’s a virgin.

Once, one of Dewey’s female students came to him and said an older man was following her to and from school every day. Dewey was later suspended from work for a week for punching a man and putting him in the hospital. Once they knew why, the school board unanimously decided not to punish him.

Dewey absolutely insists all of his kids call him Dewey and not Mr. Finn.

He’s the most supportive teacher in the entire school. He’s got name tags on every desk with each kid’s preferred name and pronouns. When Billy comes out as non-binary, he makes the pronoun switch immediately and puts a beautiful stained glass-esque progress pride flag in one of his windows.

Someone hatefully vandalized said pride art project and Dewey actually cried. His kids all banded together to make a new one.

Sometimes, the kids purposefully ask Dewey to sing certain things because his voice gets so damn tender and beautiful, as opposed to the usual bombastic singing they’re used to. (Think like. Some of the 35MM songs)

Dewey has a routine with his drinks throughout the day. Two cups of coffee in the morning, one at home and one at work. One water bottle before lunch and one after lunch. A Gatorade or some other fitness drink after school, usually during band practice to make up for how sweaty he gets. And one cup of lavender citrus tea with extra honey after dinner.

He broke his only water bottle about four months into teaching full-time and started to use a plastic one every day. Ned decided that wouldn’t do, and got him a Mandalorian water bottle. Dewey loves it to bits.

Dewey doesn’t celebrate any one version of a holiday. He’s equal opportunity for any and all holidays, but he grew up Jewish. That doesn’t stop him from helping Ned put up his Christmas tree every year. Nor does it stop him from celebrating Yule with his online friends.

Despite being Jewish and mainly celebrating their holidays, Dewey loves Christmas music and starts playing it as soon as he can. The kids dare him to hit those ridiculous Mariah Carey high notes in All I Want For Christmas. He does it.

He also once sang ‘Little Drummer Boy’ to his kids the day before holiday break. He only played his guitar softly and by the time he was done, each and every kid was fast asleep. (He played Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer as well)

Dewey absolutely collects soft blankets. He has four halloween ones, two Tim Burton ones (a Beetlejuice and a Corpse Bride), eight winter holiday blankets, and three miscellaneous. He brought them all into class once and built a blanket fort to teach his kids about ancient civilization.

Speaking of which, his teaching methods are unorthodox at best, and at worst downright crazy. But he always teaches and he always makes it memorable. His class has the highest test scores in the school.

Dewey usually teaches using music or hands on activities. He plays soft background music during every class no matter the circumstances, and said screw the building’s lights and uses primarily lamps and strings of Christmas lights.

He also kind of forgets that he teaches essentially middle school, and he swears every so often when he’s super passionate. Like when he taught the kids about the US Presidents and called Andrew Jackson a racist bitch and Richard Nixon a lying bastard.

After getting bullied throughout all of high school, Dewey came to terms with what his body looked like, and now he really doesn’t care. (He did have a lot of fun smashing the scale his mother got him for his birthday once)

Dewey was supposed to teach his kids about mental illness for a suicide prevention thing the school did, but got about halfway through before he had a breakdown and the kids declared the rest of the day a bust. They watched cute animated movies instead of learning for the rest of the school day.

Speaking of animated movies, Dewey really loves Studio Ghibli.

The first time one of his kids called him ‘Dad’ he cried. Then they kept doing it and now he’s had to accept that he’s basically a father to about 30 11-year-olds.

If you ask any kid in the school who their favorite teacher is, they will not hesitate to answer ‘Mr. Finn.’ Even if they aren’t in his class, he’s their favorite.

Dewey’s classroom is always open for lunch. It’s quiet and calm, usually with a movie going in the background.

He also stays after school for about an hour every day, helping kids with homework. He hates math with a passion but that didn’t stop him from trying to figure out Katie’s math homework with her.

Even at home, Dewey cannot stand the quiet. He either has his headphones on or the radio going. Silence just isn’t an option.

Dewey once got pneumonia and tried to come in to work anyway. The kids made him go home. He didn’t really put up much of a fight.

The first instrument Dewey ever learned to play was the piano. He started to learn when he was super young, and that was how he learned how to read music. His kids didn’t even know he knew how to play until they walked in on him practicing one day.

Dewey says ‘fuck gender roles’ and wears the girl’s skirts to a few SoR concerts. He likes the way it makes his legs look.

Some jerk parents constantly tried to get Dewey in trouble for months because they didn’t like him and thought he wasn’t ‘high class’ enough for their kid’s education. Dewey was so stunned when they showed up during one of his classes that he couldn’t speak and just started to cry. Said student stood up and called their parents out. Two days later, those parents were off the school board.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, Dewey found out a new kid he’d received was being abused at home because they weren’t getting high enough grades and he yelled at the kid’s parents in front of all the other staff members.

Essentially, Dewey can’t defend himself at all, but will not hesitate to protect his kids.

Dewey has said multiple times he would die for his kids. He’s always 100% serious, especially during lockdown drills.

Once, the school had a lockdown that wasn’t a drill, and Dewey managed to keep his entire class silent and calm while mentally preparing himself to lay his life down for his kids. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that.

Dewey’s also said he’d seriously consider adopting any of the kids if their at-home situation was that bad.

When he finally could, Dewey moved out of Ned’s house and into his own cramped loft apartment. He’s in love with the apartment, even though it’s tiny and kinda smells.

Dewey has almost no concept of volume control. He’s slightly deaf from constantly doing very loud shows and sometimes shouts because he thinks that’s a normal speaking volume.

As one of, if not the actual, youngest teachers at the school, Dewey is universally adored by the rest of the staff. It took a while for all of them to get on board with him, but now they all really like him.

Dewey’s favorite fruit is pomegranate. There’s just something super cathartic about cutting into a pomegranate and slowly de-seeding it. Plus, it tastes super good. But he only likes them if he can de-seed them himself.

One of the ways Dewey grounds himself is by pressing things to his mouth. He usually just puts his hand up on his face or the end of a pen in his mouth, but whenever he has a blanket, one corner is up against his lips. The same goes for stuffed animals. They’re always against his face. Most of the time, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.

#school of rock #dewey finn #school of rock the musical #alex brightman #my headcanons

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cbcdiversity · 5 years

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Rafi Mittlefehldt guest post

Hypable

Hi Rafi.

It’s Monday, November 27, 2000. You just got off the phone with Dad and a weight has lifted. He told you he didn’t like how Saturday’s conversation ended because he never explicitly said that nothing’s changed; he didn’t say, “I love you.” He wanted to make sure you knew.

You did, but hearing it makes all the difference. That creeping first regret at coming out evaporates. It’s done. Everyone at college knows; now your parents know too and it’s cool. You’re done.

You’re not. It will be years before you even realize you hide this fact of you in small ways from anyone you meet. You try to act straighter than you are. You take comfort in your own natural masculinity, thinking you’re one of the lucky ones, not understanding how destructive that mindset is. You’ll avoid Pride, telling yourself it’s not your scene. You will actually think having pride in your own self is a scene.

This is the misery of internalized homophobia: Each tiny step is a battle you don’t even know you’re fighting until it’s behind you. You’re never really sure whether it’s over or another invisible battle is just gearing up.

You’ll get there, but, kiddo, it will be years. Part of that will be through your writing. Writing helps you learn so much about yourself that is there, right in front of you, but obscured behind decades of wall-building. This is how your first book will come to be.

And then, when you’ve finally, truly gotten to a point of fearlessness with one part of your identity, you’ll find you’ve been discounting another.

Remember in high school, those two kids who got in the habit of using “jewed” as a verb? They would turn to you afterwards and sheepishly apologize, every time. You would tell them you didn’t care. The worst part: you didn’t.

At an Italian restaurant, you told your friends two awful jokes. Later, the manager handed you a napkin. The family seated next to you had overheard and written you a note. They didn’t know you were Jewish too, but did that matter? You still think about their kids. They looked like they were maybe eight or ten. Do they still think about it, twenty years later?

You will.

How Jewish have you ever felt? You’ve always held that identity at arm’s length. You will continue to do that for years and years.

Then there will be an election you aren’t prepared for.

Suddenly, Jews will become more explicitly targeted than you – you, personally – have lived through. Hate crimes will increase exponentially. People carrying swastika flags will march down the street and you will think, Where did they come from?, not yet getting that they were always there.

On a Friday evening in October, a man will storm into a Pittsburgh synagogue during Shabbat services. As he shoots eleven people to death, he will shout, “All Jews must die!”

On Saturday, everyone will start adding a frame to their profile photos. Six interlocking arms forming the Star of David, with the words: “Together Against Antisemitism.” Something will finally click.

You’ll know what that frame is. You’ll know you’re supposed to feel comforted seeing so many non-Jews tell us we aren’t alone in our horror. That you’re supposed to look at those frames and see empathy, support, kinship, allyship.

You will hate those frames. They’re better than nothing, but only just. What you see instead of allyship is a way for people to provide cover for themselves. How many of the people who set their temporary profile photos engage in casual antisemitism regularly?

You will come to understand the architecture of liberal antisemitism. That it exists because too many liberals don’t view Jews as a legitimate marginalized people. They see the power dynamic within Israel, between Israelis and Palestinians, and extrapolate that to the Jewish diaspora in America.

They will say Israel should cease to exist. They will say the Star of David should be banned. They will make sly references to the power Jews hold, furtive allusions to money or loyalty or globalism. You will think a lot about how enduring anti-Jewish tropes are, even for people who pride themselves in their enlightenment.

You will call out casual antisemitism when you see it, and immediately be labeled a Netanyahu apologist. You will never again feel comfortable criticizing fellow progressives without first making clear your positions on racist Israeli policy. This will baffle you. It shouldn’t. You are an Israeli Jew, so what’s the point of nuance?

When they finally understand your beliefs are aligned with theirs, they will tell you you’re too sensitive. They, white non-Jews, will explain to you what antisemitism is. It’s Pittsburgh you should be focused on. It’s Trump. They will define thresholds that allow them to see their remarks, perversely, as a tool of social justice. They will use euphemisms – “confrontational language” and “justified criticism” – to make their antisemitism more palatable to their own consciences. You will learn what fraudulent progressivism looks like.

You will realize one day that white right-wing anti-Semites kill Jews, but only because white liberal anti-Semites give them cover to believe our lives are worth less.

You’ll write a second book. It will, to your great shame, need prodding from other people to become as Jewish as it obviously should have been. But a round of editing will take you from hating this book to loving it. It will end up meaning so much more to you than you ever expected. It will become a reflection of things you felt but couldn’t yet name.

It won’t be near enough. You’ll read the final version and be… content. It will stick to capturing right-wing antisemitism. Because that’s more violent, because it’s more urgent and orders of magnitude more deadly.

But there will be so much more you want to say. Words you left between the lines, for those who care to find them. But between the lines is a poor substitute for black and white.

You’ll get there. You’re not there yet, but you will be. There will be more books. You’ll use them both to learn more about yourself and to tell others what can be.

Rafi Mittlefehldt is a writer who has worked as a newspaper reporter, freelance theater critic, and children’s author. His debut novel was It Looks Like This. Rafi Mittlefehldt lives with his husband in Philadelphia.

#cbcdiversity #rafi mittlefehldt #what makes us #candlewick #Candlewick Press #diverse childrens books #fiction #boys and men #alternative family #dating and sex

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benisasoftboi · 5 years

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A Very Serious Pokemon Theory

A while ago I wrote a 2,406 word essay about Pokémon Live! that I thought no one would read. And then, apparently, a few people actually did read it. I found this incredibly flattering - and have also taken it as a challenge to write something even more niche and completely unnecessary.

I will therefore be attempting to convince you of my theory that Pokemon Live! (the Pokemon live-action stage musical) and the Pokemon Christmas Bash music album actually take place in the same universe - one that is more similar to our own than any other in the franchise. My explanation will include reference to the American military, Jesus, politics, infinite multiverses, and the Broadway musical The Book of Mormon. I feel that I should warn for very frequent reference to homophobia, as well as a brief reference to something that could be seen as anti-Semitic. Also, someone will get a Tony Award at the end.

If any of that intrigues, please read on.

The Works In Question

I’m going to briefly explain what Pokemon Live! and Pokemon Christmas Bash are - the initiated can feel free to skip down to the next section if they want.

Pokemon Live! was a live action Pokemon musical that toured in the US from September 2000 to January 2001. It is best known among Pokemon fans for including a subplot that revealed that Ash’s mother and Giovanni dated, possibly implying that Giovanni is Ash’s father - leading to an incredible showdown between Ash and Giovanni where Giovanni, no joke, taunts Ash (a child) by implying that he slept with Ash’s mother, and then follows that up by telling him that nice guys finish last.

Outside of Pokemon fandom, it is mostly known because the character of James was played by a young Andrew Rannells. Rannells would go on to be a very successful Broadway and television actor. One of the things he’s best known for is originating the role of Elder Price in the musical The Book of Mormon. He has, as of writing, been personally nominated for two Tonys, but won neither. This will be relevant later.

Pokemon Live! can be watched for free on YouTube, albeit in very poor quality. It follows Ash trying to win a ‘Diamond Badge’, which is actually a ruse by Giovanni to train his (~mechanical marrrrrvel~) Mecha Mewtwo. It’s a really fun, bizarre ride, because there’s something weirdly earnest about it - like the creators were genuinely, sincerely trying to make a good musical. They did not succeed. It’s a dumpster fire. But a glorious one.

Pokemon Christmas Bash is an album released at Christmas 2001. It features 10 Pokemon themed Christmas songs, some of which are covers of existing songs, and others which are entirely original. The singers are all members of the 4Kids anime cast. Most of the songs are hilarious, and it’s obvious that everyone was having fun with the whole thing (contrasting Pokemon Live!, which was apparently absolute hell to work on).

Fun fact, at least one of the songs was written by Eric Stuart, James’s original English voice actor (unless you want to get anal about it, in which case I’m talking about James’s second voice actor, following Ted Lewis, who did all of seven episodes versus Stuart’s hundreds). All in all, there’s not a lot else to say about it (for now). It can all be listened to online, but a physical copy will set you back a hundred dollars or so.

Both Pokemon Live! and Pokemon Christmas Bash are American-made entries into the franchise, and are therefore considered non-canon by most fans. I find this attitude very boring, especially since the Generation 6 games established Pokemon to exist in an infinite multiverse rather than just one fictional universe with one canon. There’s no reason these two can’t exist in their own bizarro canon universe, far away from the rest of the franchise - and I am now going to begin presenting my theory.

The Weirdest Line In Pokemon Live!

Pokemon Live! is filled with strange moments. Mewtwo Ex Machina. Team Rocket on scooters. Brock stopping the entire plot to sing and dance about his polyamorous inclinations towards much older women.

But the strangest (to me) is when James references Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. By name. Seriously, here’s the quote:

Well yeah, but where does [Mecha Mewtwo] stand on campaign finance reform, social security, and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, for the unfamiliar, was America’s policy regarding gay and bisexual individuals serving in the military, instituted in 1994, and repealed in 2011. The policy basically meant that if you wanted to serve, you had to stay in the closet - but also no one could harass or try to out you. In other words - ‘it’s okay that you’re having gay thoughts, so long as you never act upon them’. (Was that an inappropriate time to make a reference? Can’t be more inappropriate than referencing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in a Pokemon musical, surely...)

I talked about the meta-level homophobic implications of this line last time, but here, we’re looking at this from an in-universe perspective. It raises important questions.

This must mean Pokemon Live! takes place in Pokemon America, as opposed to the Pokemon Very-Loosely-Japan that we see in the anime and games. So if there is a Pokemon American military, what other American staples are there Pokemon versions of?

So why is there homophobia in this version of the Pokemon universe? No other Pokemon universe has homophobia (sidenote, is it not a little bit darkly funny that the most homophobic piece of Pokemon media is the musical?). In fact, most other Pokemon universes are kind of progressive, if anything - very equal opportunity regardless of race, gender, nation regionality.

Pokemon Christmas Bash has us covered.

Nobody Don’t Like Christmas

Everything we need to know comes from the fourth song on this album - ‘Nobody Don’t Like Christmas’.

This song is sung entirely by Meowth, and well. Look. Maddie Blaustein was a very talented voice actress. Perhaps she was also a good singer when not doing the Meowth voice, I don’t know.

But Meowth should not sing. Singing and Meowth do not go together. No one should have heard that voice and thought ‘let’s give that character a song’. It happened in the anime as well, and it’s the worst part of an otherwise great episode.

If you can look past the grating vocals, though, this song is incredible. The whole thing is a three minute diss track for every non-Christmas holiday, going everywhere from shaming the dateless on Valentine’s Day, to pointing out that Thanksgiving isn’t all that fun for the turkeys, to just straight up declaring St. Patrick’s Day to be dull.

But there are three important lines here to consider.

The first is my personal favourite line in the whole song.

The Fourth of July / Can be a real drag / If you can’t get no one to salute your flag

Firstly, I love that Meowth is offering the warning that patriotism can only go so far and that eventually citizens’ blind loyalty to country will evaporate if given sufficient reason, leaving celebration of said country hollow and meaningless. A bold choice for Christmas 2001. Not to mention a necessary message for today.

More importantly though, this suggests that these songs might be being sung by specifically American versions of the main cast. The Fourth of July is a holiday only an American would reference in a song like this, as no other country celebrates it - it definitely wouldn’t come up if they were, say, British, for example (in that case, would probably mention Guy Fawkes Night instead). Even more unlikely if they’re Japanese.

However - it’s worth remembering that Meowth is actually canonically American (he is from Hollywood), meaning it isn’t unreasonable for him to make this reference. This is where line number two comes into play.

Memorial Day is a day to forget!

That’s right, everyone.

Meowth hates the troops.

It’s true. Why else would he dismiss this holiday?

But why does Meowth hate the troops?

We return to Pokemon Live! for answers.

Pokemon and the American Military

Interestingly enough, these are not the only franchise entries that mention the American military. Gym Leader Lt. Surge was explicitly described to be an American soldier in the early games (also fun but not really relevant fact, his anime counterpart shares his English voice actress with Meowth - if him having a voice actress seems odd, the explanation is that Blaustein was a trans woman, and so mostly played male roles as they suited her voice better).

Real world locations have been gradually phased out as the franchise has continued, and later games implied that he is now from Unova, the region based on America.

Meowth never seemed to have a problem with Surge in the anime, suggesting that in that version, he does not hate the troops. So what’s different in Christmas Bash?

There’s only one explanation.

Remember, Pokemon Live! establishes the existence of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Also remember - James and Meowth are good friends. And James is gay.

What? That’s always been ambiguous, you say?

Go watch Pokemon Live! and tell me that version of James isn’t gay. Watch one scene with him in it. Go watch it and then tell me that man is straight. Go and do it. You can’t. Pokemon Live! James is gay as Christmas.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a policy that discriminates against gay people. James may not be a soldier, but it still does reflect social attitudes towards discrimination, and so is something he would likely oppose on general principle. And as James’s friend, Meowth would likely do the same.

Meowth hates the troops because he is an ally.

And so we have our definitive connection. This also confirms that we are in America in both entries.

Probably Blasphemy

So what’s the third important line then?

Who wants to go through all that Yom Kippuren?

A reference to Yom Kippur. This is a Jewish holiday that I do not feel equipped to explain, due to my definitely not being Jewish, but I understand it to be extremely important in the Jewish faith.

Essentially saying that it’s too tedious in a song about how great Christmas is doesn’t seem like a great look, 4Kids, just saying. I doubt it was done maliciously but like... still.

However, this confirmation of the existence of Judaism confirms something much bigger - the existence of religion. Another American staple!

Up until now, this has been ambiguous. Sure, we’ve been referencing Christmas all this time, but there have been no references to Christ, so we could assume that Christmas is a secular holiday with a weird name. It’s already somewhat secular in the real world - my family couldn’t get less religious and we celebrate it. But if there is Judaism, it is totally reasonable to assume there is Christianity. And that opens a whole floodgate.

So firstly, this finally gives us an explanation for where Pokemon Don’t Ask Don’t Tell probably came from! After all, which religion is most associated with homophobia in real-world America? (No hate towards non-homophobic Christians, just for the record, but like... this is a problem, to put it mildly). So this further solidifies the connection, putting them in the same universe.

Plus, the song ends with Meowth stating that he actually hates Christmas! So Meowth is again being an ally - he’s just, like, the kind that takes it really, really far and maybe needs to chill just a little?

Secondly, this makes a certain line from another song on Pokemon Christmas Bash even funnier, where Brock replaces the beginning of the hymn Joy To The World with:

Nurse Joy is a girl / She sure is fun / But I like Jenny too!

Because this means that covering that song with those lyrics isn’t just kind of inappropriate out-of-universe, it’s also inappropriate in-universe!

But what’s really messing with me is the hundreds of new questions Pokemon Christianity raises. How do they reconcile Arceus with God? Is God in this universe a metal goat, or do they coexist? Was there Pokemon Jesus? I’m not sure I’m okay with Pokemon Jesus. If there is Pokemon Jesus, did Pokemon help with the crucifixion (the Timburr line seem like they’d have been helpful)? Or was Jesus like, a baby Arceus, and therefore probably quite difficult to crucify? Is there Pokemon Heaven? Is there Pokemon Hell? How do the Pokemon Christians feel about Mr. Mime, who is clearly an insult to God? What is a Pokemon church service like? Are there different sects of Pokemon Christianity? Were there Pokemon religious wars? Are there Pokemon Catholics? Pokemon Protestants? Pokemormons???

I don’t like this.

And here’s another question.

Remember how I mentioned how Andrew Rannells played James? And how he also originated Elder Price in Book of Mormon?

Well. Here’s the thing.

Pokemormons are a very real possibility. If there is Christianity, and also America, then it wouldn’t be unlikely for them to exist in this universe.

However, we have determined that this is one universe, and therefore, James and Andrew Rannells cannot coexist. Only James exists in this universe.

So who first played Elder Price in The Book of Pokemormon?

Okay, So, Full Disclosure, This Is Basically Just My Fanfiction Now, But the Sunk Cost Fallacy Says You’ll Probably Stick Around Since You’ve Already Read Over 2,000 Words Of This Nonsense By This Point, and I’m Going to Take Advantage of That

I think it was James.

I think James went on to start a Broadway career. I think he was in an unlicensed Karate Kid musical, and was Tall in Jersey Boys, and then wound up as Elder Price. I think he did a great job. I think he got nominated for a Tony when award season came round, along with lots of other people involved with The Book of Pokemormon.

But he didn’t win it. Norbert Leo Butz won it for Catch Me If You Can (I had to look that up, was planning on changing it to a Pokemon-joke title - but what do you know, it already has one. Serendipity!).

James no longer has a Broadway career. But he does have a Tony.

He stole it.

Because here’s the thing - Team Rocket are actually pretty good at crime when Ash and Co. aren’t around. Remember that one time they stole an entire stadium?

They could have literally stolen the whole show, but instead they just stole one thing - that Tony Award. And so James now has an award for Best Actor in a Musical, as well as the unofficial award for Most Extra Thing Ever Done At The Tonys.

James disappears, but his legacy remains. In this universe, all Elder Prices have lavender hair - fans reject any Price who tries to avoid this.

Meanwhile, Jessie, James and Meowth sail off into the sunset in their balloon. James is happy. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will be repealed soon. He will have a chat with Meowth about overzealous allyship, though he appreciates it all the same. He smiles at his friend Jessie and takes her hand. Christmas is a long way off, but he can’t help but be excited all of a sudden. He’ll spend it with his family - Jessie, Meowth, and now, his stolen Tony Award.

In the meantime, they’ll do what they love best.

Be gay and do crime.

What Have We Learnt?

This is the most homophobic Pokemon universe we know of

It’s also a universe where everything is set in America

Meowth is surprisingly politically aware

Meowth hates the troops

There was a Pokemon Jesus

4Kids maybe should have hired some sensitivity readers

James from Pokemon possesses more Tony Awards than Andrew Rannells

I have way too much free time

Anyway, this was 2,698 words long and a terrible use of literally everyone’s time. It is rambly and extremely self-indulgent and goes off on countless tangents and you could probably poke like ten holes in it without trying. Please don’t take any of this seriously. It’s now 4 AM. Thank you and goodnight.

#pokemon #pokemon live #pokemon christmas bash #james pokemon #meowth #meowth pokemon #pokemon theory #pokemon anime #bom #andrew rannells #long post #long essays about niche topics #please don't hate me

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gartdavis-blog · 6 years

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Cologne, December 2017

I hit all my connections and get to a Starbucks across from the cathedral at Cologne. This was a regional jet to Orlando, a 747 redeye to Frankfurt, and then an ICE intercity from the Frankfurt airport to Cologne. Note: I had an assigned seat on a full train... I didn't wait at the right spot on the platform and had to commute to my seat -inside- the train for the first 10 minutes of the journey. Not my first misadventure on a European train.

I connect with a colleague, cab to the hotel, go to a meet and walk around after.

Impressions of Cologne:

Joni Mitchell in the Starbucks - why do I have to fly all the way to Germany to hear Joni in a starbucks? I'm reminded that the most popular song by German musicians is 'Wind of change' by the 80's hair metal band Scorpions. Not that Dylan wrote anything like that. Woodstock sentiments are way more popular here than in Woodstock's home country.

The Cathedral is every bit as dark and brooding as I remember. It is covered with industrial sooty blackness. Not obsidian... more like if rust were black, kinda like a cold, eyeless version of Barad-dûr to be honest. The sameness of skyscrapers pretty much makes their enormity impersonal. Not so the Dom. If it was designed to make humans feel small and temporary, the design works.

On Saturday I experience two things that later made the news. First is an enormous street demonstration by the ethnic Kurds of Germany protesting NATO member Turkey's attack on their home country. Its big, loud, and traverses the street under my hotel room window. Riot police everywhere, though no rioting that I saw. As it turns out, the protest was later broken up by these same police, thankfully without reports of violence.

My walk to the train station takes me down to the Rhine. It is very very high. The river is above the normal esplanade and is swirling down the riverside park. The anchored river tour boats and their floating docks ride above the now underwater ticketing booths. The weather is warm and lots of town-folk are out staring at the spectacle of the swirling waters in the grey December light.

I cross to the train through thousands of protesters wearing the distinctive flag of Kurdistan, and train back to Frankfurt on my way to the next stop in Lancaster UK.

En route to Lancaster I spent a night in Frankfurt at the Rocco Forte Villa Kennedy. This place is a miracle of cultural appropriation. For starters, it is a German hotel named for an American President owned by a British hotel company that itself has an Italian name.

Then the building: Villa Kennedy started life as Villa Speyer. It was designed, as was common at the time, an appropriation of Gothic and Renaissance architectures, as a statement of wealth and status for a Jewish banking family in late 19th century German Society. It was stolen by the Nazis in the 1930s and was owned by the city thereafter until it was bought & converted to hotel in 2000 by the Brits. The original Villa has been restored to its 19th century statement, with a bolt-on addition of 163 hotel rooms 'meticulously designed with original façade material that presents itself as a closed ensemble' of historyishness.

Reception is in the Villa, which I'd say is the most authentic appropriation... it actually has a bit of the feel of the Medici. You pass through it quickly into a hallway where things progress... the nod to the Villa namesake takes three forms: 1) big canvases, first of presidential Jack, then Jack and Bobby, then Jackie, and as we approach the JFK bar Marilyn Monroe and Jack, and finally over the entrance to the bar, a radically photoshopped Jack Kennedy driving a 50s James Dean Porsche Sportster wearing David Lee Roth mirrored aviators. 2) A bar menu with page after page of themed cocktails. A whole page for Jackie (glamorous!), Marilyn (sexy!) and so on. I passed on the art and the cocktails, but I lingered for the music of 3) a heroic African-American pianist (from Detroit!) singing 'On Broadway' and 'Mrs. Jones'.

So to sum up: A jewish banker borrowed from Renaissance and Gothic architects, the nazis then stole it. The Italianish Brits bought it, stretched it, and then further borrowed some sizzle from the Kennedys (with a little MM, James Dean, Van Halen, and Porsche) while throwing in some Interwar Ellington & Armstrong channeled through 70s George Benson.

Kennedy himself actually gave a speech in Frankfurt, overshadowed by 'Eich bin ein Berliner' a day later in Berlin but still quite well received and remembered. In it he dwelt on the exodus from Frankfurt to the USA in 1848, and quoted Goethe, the most famous son of the city... Authentic touches that this hotel does nothing to resonate with. People certainly have no control over how they will be known, but I wonder how Kennedy would reflect on his villa.

On Sunday I hopped from Frankfurt to Manchester. Manchester airport is like RDU with a train station, short walks, short lines, ideal transport hub. Went from plane through passport and customs to the train in 10 minutes.

I made my connection at the airport and we caught the Transpennine express from Manchester to Lancaster. It was completely full and we hadn't figured that reserved seats were extra, so we ended up standing for the 1.5 hour journey. Not my first misadventure on a European train.

I'm going to have a meeting at a company that has been producing textiles since the 1920s. They have a facility which is a noteworthy scale from the satellite view on google maps. The factory actually dates from the 19th century and has a clock tower.

My second meeting is about a 20 minute drive into the country outside a lovely village Kirkby-Lonsdale. This is a small village on the edge of the lakes district that looks to be the perfect place to stay for a walking holiday.

The next stop is Tel Aviv, and then a wintry Berlin with short days, wind, snow, bare trees, lots of candles. And then home.

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